1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,960 Well, my name is Derek. I'm an alcoholic and I'd like to thank Nate for asking me to a lead or speak tonight 2 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,520 I've been told never to turn down an AA request 3 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:13,760 But you know the difference between a requested it request from an AA is sometimes hard to discern 4 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:17,040 You know just a quick story before I get started 5 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:21,680 I got a call at about 4 in the afternoon from this guy and I go hey, how's it going? 6 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:26,920 He goes hey, you're speaking tonight, right and I go. Yeah. Yeah, but I didn't recognize the name right off and he goes 7 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,440 Yeah, thank you. Thanks for saying you'd come to the table and speak tonight at 8 8 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,480 I'm like did I double book or something like that? 9 00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:34,600 I go I don't I don't get it and he goes he 10 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:39,360 Confused me with someone else at a meeting that was at this morning on Saturday and I thought maybe they were 11 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:43,600 Franchising my speaking out because I get to speak it a lot is becoming like Gallagher where they could do it 12 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:47,020 You know with a sledge omatic and things like that, but it's the Otter God thing 13 00:00:47,020 --> 00:00:49,240 You know that always strikes me is that you know 14 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:54,340 I'm always worried about how I'm going to feel and because he told me that I was already like thrown off, you know 15 00:00:54,340 --> 00:00:58,560 And then I was like I'm supposed to be here tonight, right? I'm pretty sure you don't you get older you start to forget things 16 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:04,240 So I'm very grateful to be here Nate and then they said he couldn't be here and I am I totally understand and I think all 17 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:05,840 Of you for welcoming me 18 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:10,720 It's always an honor and a privilege to speak and lead at a meeting while called synonymous and I usually get up dressed up 19 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,560 Anyways, it was a reminder because no one ever gets offended if you overdress for AA 20 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:18,900 But I appreciate the structure like you said and thank you Scott for for leading the meeting to and welcome anybody who's new 21 00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:20,960 I don't think we did any newcomers here 22 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:25,600 But if your new arm is new once - you know, my sobriety is May 1st 2006 23 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:30,640 That puts me as something like seven thousand and forty days if you count the days like I do this like a thousand five 24 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:34,600 Saturdays in a row without a hangover, which is a big deal for me is every Saturday 25 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,400 Well, I didn't have a hangover on Saturday 26 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:40,960 That's for sure because I was drunk but on the Mondays that I would wake up from the weekends of drinking 27 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:46,960 It was terrible and you know what when I got here tonight, you know, Mariana was kind enough to introduce me 28 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:52,860 And I like that feeling of a welcomeness in alcoholics anonymous. I don't care where I go the head of alcoholics anonymous when it's out there 29 00:01:52,860 --> 00:01:58,800 it makes me feel comfortable and I never thought I would say that because I'd been to AA a long time ago from 30 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,280 DUIs when I was a kid 18 and 22 31 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:06,240 But I never thought it was an alcoholic saying because I just thought I had a problem with drinking, right? 32 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:10,520 Now I have a sponsor his name's Ken and he always asked me to pray before I come to these things 33 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,520 so I make sure to do that and 34 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:18,600 Hopefully what I have to say will help people tonight whether you be a rumor here or a zoomer on the screen there 35 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:23,420 I don't I don't care which one it is because to me it's always about recovery again 36 00:02:23,420 --> 00:02:28,400 These words like you said Scott didn't mean anything by the way, honor God my belly button birthday is September 26 37 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:33,580 So congratulations on that, you know God that never ceases to amaze me in the things that he does for me 38 00:02:33,580 --> 00:02:36,960 But I never thought of God that way when I was before I came to AA 39 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,620 God to me was a celestial butler that you know 40 00:02:39,620 --> 00:02:44,200 If I prayed really hard and did the right things he would provide for me what I needed and if I didn't do the right 41 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:48,280 Things look the other way, you know, it's always about look at me. Look at me. Don't look at me 42 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:53,500 What are you looking at? Because I was so afraid see that's really what this comes down to for me is fear 43 00:02:53,500 --> 00:02:56,680 I've always been afraid from a little kid. There's pictures of me terrified, you know 44 00:02:56,680 --> 00:03:01,820 Loud noises would make me go crazy. My daughter's at Disneyland today, you know with her boyfriend 45 00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:06,160 And when I was a kid at Disneyland, they'd have taken to the car because I couldn't take the fireworks going on loud sound 46 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:09,860 I was just always afraid it doesn't surprise me because I grew up in a very chaotic household 47 00:03:09,860 --> 00:03:13,900 My dad drank and when he drank it wasn't pretty and the thing was is everyone said I was just like my dad 48 00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:15,980 But they never said in a good way or rarely 49 00:03:15,980 --> 00:03:20,020 It wasn't like boy you show up on time for things and all this it was always why are you so angry? 50 00:03:20,020 --> 00:03:24,260 Why are you so stubborn and I didn't realize then that the anger that I was expressing if his little kid 51 00:03:24,260 --> 00:03:28,880 Was out of fear fear turned out words becomes anger fear turned in words becomes a sadness or depression 52 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:33,080 And I have this thing talk about honor God, which I have never been diagnosed with but I looked up 53 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:36,340 It's called oppositional defiance disorder ODD odd 54 00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:41,500 So if you tell me up my first response is down, you know and in my house because it was so chaotic and crazy 55 00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:46,660 I try to do control everything saying I had to be the opposite and my mom said she goes I don't get it 56 00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:49,580 You know used to be such a happy kid ago cuz you dad were so screwed up 57 00:03:49,580 --> 00:03:53,180 I had to do something to cover that, you know, and my dad eventually quit drinking 58 00:03:53,180 --> 00:03:56,360 He never went to AA but he eventually quit drinking just when I started otter God 59 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:56,700 All right 60 00:03:56,700 --> 00:04:00,340 And I started drinking around 17 and the first time I get a little for a very first beer 61 00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:04,180 I had I was like 15 and I was with my dad and he goes you're drinking out of the app 62 00:04:04,180 --> 00:04:07,140 But I'm not like you I'm not gonna drink like that, you know, cuz that's the kind of jerk 63 00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:09,220 I was you know showed my dad met you 64 00:04:09,220 --> 00:04:13,360 Well, I ever wanted really to be was him and to show him what a you know, great guy 65 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:17,180 I was so he would love me and I you know, I didn't like the taste of it. So I go see 66 00:04:17,180 --> 00:04:22,340 Right. I even tried to show off to a girlfriend. I had we were up at Victoria Station Universal Studios 67 00:04:22,340 --> 00:04:25,620 I was 17 years old. I ordered a carafe of wine to show 68 00:04:26,820 --> 00:04:31,300 And the guy goes it's a carafe, sir, and I go whatever just bring it and I didn't like it and I go see 69 00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:35,140 I'm fine until she broke up with me and I was 17 years old and my buddy and I split a 12-pack 70 00:04:35,140 --> 00:04:38,540 Cut drunk off his six beers that I go. Oh my god 71 00:04:38,540 --> 00:04:43,580 Is this what it's like to be drunk it I had this smile like the Joker on my face and he looked at me goes 72 00:04:43,580 --> 00:04:49,860 Yeah, and I'm doing this all the time. What was I thinking because immediately I felt that release that fear was gone 73 00:04:49,860 --> 00:04:54,180 I didn't have to do oppositional defiance disorder anymore because I didn't care 74 00:04:54,180 --> 00:05:01,420 I just felt like everything was okay and I chased that buzz for many many years in different ways at first not every day 75 00:05:01,420 --> 00:05:02,900 You know because I couldn't I was 17 76 00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:06,820 but I would find places that would sell me and I would get drunk at school and I almost got kicked out of school because 77 00:05:06,820 --> 00:05:09,120 I learned very early on that if you did the right things in school 78 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:13,620 They would leave you alone when I was drinking. I didn't care and I went on a field trip was down at Alvera Street 79 00:05:13,620 --> 00:05:18,620 I did this much tequila with this much orange juice and I brought it on the bus with me and I got really drunk and 80 00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:19,020 I wound up 81 00:05:19,020 --> 00:05:22,920 you know going off the top of City Hall peeing off the top of City Hall and then running into the 82 00:05:23,420 --> 00:05:29,020 Museum down where that was at and the print the teacher that was with copy and he goes what's wrong with you? 83 00:05:29,020 --> 00:05:31,580 And I go, oh, I think someone spiked my drink, you know 84 00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:36,460 I'm trying to get out of it and he goes I'm gonna have you expelled like you can't I've accepted the college next year 85 00:05:36,460 --> 00:05:40,940 I got it continue school. And so I said I promise I'll be the best student and I sat in the back of the room 86 00:05:40,940 --> 00:05:46,400 And totally behaved I still got drunk but not at school. You see that's the thing about me is I'm an alcoholic, right? 87 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,060 you know I find excuses to drink and 88 00:05:49,460 --> 00:05:54,740 Reasons not to right and the and the idea for me was that if I you know could say, okay 89 00:05:54,740 --> 00:05:57,760 I have to behave at this so I'll not drink here, but I'll drink over there 90 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:03,340 My first experience was a with a is because I got caught at school at college at UCLA when I was in the dorms 91 00:06:03,340 --> 00:06:07,420 And I ate I lit off the fire alarm because I wanted to see like the girls run out and they're not going to stuff like 92 00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:10,820 That and the guy goes you got a problem with alcohol. You've been causing a lot of problems here 93 00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:14,540 You need to go to a and I'm like, but I'm not an alcoholic. I'm only 18 94 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:20,580 So I didn't know so I go to this a a meeting and it's done at Westwood and I'm like totally in fear because I'm sober 95 00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:25,620 And the guy goes, you know, no, no, I'm just here for like research or something like that, right? 96 00:06:25,620 --> 00:06:28,940 He's like well, this is something that he said that has always stuck with me 97 00:06:28,940 --> 00:06:31,940 If you ever have a problem with alcohol, this is the place to be 98 00:06:31,940 --> 00:06:36,280 I'm never gonna have a problem with alcohol. So who cares but it's stuck with me and you know after that 99 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:37,780 I thought that this is a pretty good thing 100 00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:44,060 And and then I got a DUI in Burbank and I had to go to like six meetings and I went to this big hall 101 00:06:44,060 --> 00:06:46,120 As I guess was called Angelino. I didn't know it at the time 102 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:49,780 This is back in the 80s and you know, everyone who's been sober for a long time goes 103 00:06:49,780 --> 00:06:54,220 Oh, yeah, I know that place but I didn't I just knew that I could drop my card off there at a big meeting and leave 104 00:06:54,220 --> 00:06:56,180 It and go drink and come back and get it, right? 105 00:06:56,180 --> 00:07:00,220 So it didn't help very much that I had those six means because I got another DUI in Burbank about three years later 106 00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,060 And then I had to go to 26 meetings now 107 00:07:02,060 --> 00:07:07,380 The first DUI all I did was like throw up verbally on the cop not literally and said oh my dad's gonna kill me 108 00:07:07,380 --> 00:07:11,960 You know, he would told me not to drink and all this stuff and I didn't realize I record everything you say 109 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:15,580 So it pretty much convicted me the second time though. I was a pro right? I didn't say a word 110 00:07:15,580 --> 00:07:21,340 I knew how to do the test and everything like that. They had me on video and and and the guy even 111 00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:26,820 There's like hey nice job thumbs up on that, you know because at that point my tolerance for alcohol was so high 112 00:07:26,820 --> 00:07:30,100 It didn't really matter but they sent me to 26 meetings and I'm like, this is ridiculous 113 00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:32,340 I don't know why I have to go to a am not an alcohol 114 00:07:32,340 --> 00:07:37,380 So I go to these meetings and I just decide I suppose I say about alcohol. It's being clever and funny 115 00:07:37,380 --> 00:07:40,220 You know like an excuse for everything. I know what the problem is 116 00:07:40,220 --> 00:07:42,220 I shouldn't drink and drive in Burbank 117 00:07:42,220 --> 00:07:46,140 So I won't do that anymore cuz they pull you over just for sport, but that wasn't the problem 118 00:07:46,140 --> 00:07:52,500 and so I continue to drink and I was in Burbank and I met my wife at a bar there and we got married and 119 00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:54,500 we had a great, you know wedding and we went on to 120 00:07:54,500 --> 00:08:01,900 Tahiti for our honeymoon. It was fantastic all you could drink Wow. This is perfect and she almost left me there 121 00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:05,140 You know because just married not on purpose 122 00:08:05,140 --> 00:08:05,980 but because I 123 00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:10,540 Was just so I was falling asleep in the gift shop peeing over in the corner. People were just like a nice husband 124 00:08:10,540 --> 00:08:13,580 You got there and all this kind of stuff, you know in their 20s if you're drinking like that 125 00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:17,660 You can almost get away with it. You can say I'm just young everyone drinks in their 20s, right? 126 00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:22,260 And then you know as I got older it became worse and we had a kid, you know 127 00:08:22,260 --> 00:08:26,740 My daughter was born and I was in my 30s and then my dad at that time 128 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:31,860 It was 27 years ago two days ago three days ago. He did the worst thing that could happen 129 00:08:31,860 --> 00:08:34,980 He died not because it was like anything bad that happened to me 130 00:08:34,980 --> 00:08:38,380 It's just my whole life had been fighting against being him that opposition applies 131 00:08:38,380 --> 00:08:45,060 compliance disorder and now I had nothing to fight against and I became him and from August 6 1998 to 132 00:08:45,060 --> 00:08:51,060 Pretty much 2006 when I stopped drinking. It just got worse and worse and I still didn't think I was an alcoholic 133 00:08:51,060 --> 00:08:56,460 I thought you guys were still the problem not you specifically but everyone around me because I couldn't see that the real problem was 134 00:08:56,460 --> 00:08:59,860 Looking me at the mirror every morning. In fact by the time that I was done drinking 135 00:08:59,860 --> 00:09:01,280 I couldn't look in the mirror in the morning 136 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:05,540 I'd shave like kind of sideways because all I could see is this person in the mirror and I say you're pathetic 137 00:09:05,540 --> 00:09:11,700 And I hated myself and towards the end of two or middle of 2006. It was actually before in 2005 138 00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:18,180 On my birthday that we had a big party and I was so drunk. Well not at the party 139 00:09:18,180 --> 00:09:18,940 I kind of behaved myself 140 00:09:18,940 --> 00:09:23,660 Like I said, but on my actual birthday I go to this bar and I'm just so drunk when I come home that my wife 141 00:09:23,660 --> 00:09:25,100 Takes a picture of me 142 00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:25,420 You know 143 00:09:25,420 --> 00:09:30,300 Thank God waist up with my pants down and put it next to the cake that her and my daughters I had two daughters at 144 00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:35,940 That time had made and said happy birthday. Wish you were here and I was pissed. I'm like really is this how we're gonna play now? 145 00:09:35,940 --> 00:09:36,420 Okay 146 00:09:36,420 --> 00:09:39,340 I'm gonna show you what drinking really is like I was hiding it before 147 00:09:39,340 --> 00:09:45,300 Alright, but I thought and I just was for the next six months just on the tear. I don't remember most of that time 148 00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:49,860 I remember off and on moments. I was blacking out a lot the same routine of drinking, you know 149 00:09:49,860 --> 00:09:51,780 Waking up the moonlight choking down a couple of beers 150 00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:57,260 I had this breathalyzer so I could keep my blood alcohol a certain level I blow into it and make this loud noise 151 00:09:57,260 --> 00:09:59,940 I have to go in the garage put covers over my head and you know 152 00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:04,860 my wife would catch me sometimes in the garage and she goes you go to the garage like a lot of work out there one time 153 00:10:04,860 --> 00:10:07,460 The garage door was opening and I had a beer in my hand and I said honey 154 00:10:07,460 --> 00:10:11,780 I'm not drinking because see it's not touching my lips and it's just beer so it's not really, you know 155 00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:15,180 That's the denial that I was in that I could lie to myself so 156 00:10:15,180 --> 00:10:20,060 Much that I could try and convince you and everyone knew it and as the month of April rolled around 157 00:10:20,060 --> 00:10:24,420 I stopped drinking for a month in March of 2006 and I told my wife I'm gonna stop 158 00:10:24,420 --> 00:10:27,840 I'll behave because she was just it was just getting back and then in April of 159 00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:32,100 2006 I almost made the 30 days about 28 days and my buddy turned 40 160 00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:37,540 So we went to have the wrong ghost out there where they were, you know, I just started drinking and it got bad 161 00:10:37,540 --> 00:10:40,900 We got a big fight being this guy who's like come to blows. He was so drunk 162 00:10:40,900 --> 00:10:45,580 I was so drunk we made up but it was like I just didn't care anymore and the whole month of April was pretty much 163 00:10:45,580 --> 00:10:47,580 A blackout I remember my you know 164 00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:51,980 I was married in April and I had a half a glass of champagne to show again 165 00:10:51,980 --> 00:10:56,020 Then I could stop and all I could think about was that other half a glass that I should have drank, you know 166 00:10:56,020 --> 00:10:58,660 I wish I could have drank it. I didn't realize the mental obsession 167 00:10:58,660 --> 00:11:01,940 It goes along with alcoholism see all this stuff like you say you learn in AA 168 00:11:01,940 --> 00:11:04,620 You know, that's what I love about the big book on page 30 169 00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:10,220 It talks about chapter 3 more about alcohols. We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics 170 00:11:10,220 --> 00:11:15,460 This is the first step in recovery and I had to learn that I just learned how to get away with drinking as much as I 171 00:11:15,460 --> 00:11:19,180 Can until you would let me drink again so I can get back to the way I'm not feeling in fear 172 00:11:19,180 --> 00:11:20,700 But if you're an alcoholic like me 173 00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:24,780 The worst thing happens is that the alcohol doesn't take away the fear anymore and the fear comes back 174 00:11:24,940 --> 00:11:30,020 Even more so you are at that jumping off place that it talks about the big book where I can't drink enough 175 00:11:30,020 --> 00:11:31,460 I drink myself sober now 176 00:11:31,460 --> 00:11:36,420 This is this is how terrifying it is to me and come that last week in April when I was trying to you know 177 00:11:36,420 --> 00:11:41,780 Show that I was a good dad. There was a 5k over at that see Sun not far from my house 178 00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:44,340 I was so bad. I was shaking so bad 179 00:11:44,340 --> 00:11:49,060 I had to down a couple beers to get through that race and then after the race I ran all the way home which was 180 00:11:49,060 --> 00:11:52,800 Another mile and a half just so I could beat my family there so I could drink out 181 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:56,740 So I just got to loosen up right, you know, my wife and I went out to Ventura that night 182 00:11:56,740 --> 00:12:02,700 And I just you know, I was just it was terrible when I got back that weekend or Sunday night 183 00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:06,860 I remember what someone told me if you have a problem with alcohol. This is the place now 184 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:12,340 I looked online at that time, you know, there were some meetings and they didn't have you know the video stuff yet 185 00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:17,500 So I printed out all these meetings and I tried to find one as far away from my home in Northridge as I can studio city 186 00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:21,380 Sounded pretty fault, right? So I went to this meeting at 9 in the morning on Monday 187 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:27,980 Everyone's happy and cheerful, you know, they're all laughing and everyone knows each other much like here and I'm just sweating in freezing cold weather 188 00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:32,980 I mean it was cold that day in May 1st and I'm sweating and just want to die and I'm like 189 00:12:32,980 --> 00:12:37,580 there's no way I'm gonna do this for the rest of my life and about three years prior to that it started to go to 190 00:12:37,580 --> 00:12:42,180 Therapy because I had these anger issues and she kept saying go to a a go to a a and I'm like 191 00:12:42,180 --> 00:12:44,180 Why does it want me to go to a I'm not an alcohol 192 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:49,620 I couldn't get it but she knew and and I went and so that that first meeting I couldn't handle it 193 00:12:49,620 --> 00:12:52,620 But something told me to go back. So I went back to Burbank to try and find that meaning but there wasn't 194 00:12:52,620 --> 00:12:57,860 It was just a very small meeting in a church much about the size of this room. There were six people there 195 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,780 They went around the room for everyone to share and I'd never been to a meeting like that 196 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:04,300 Cuz all the meetings I'd gone to were big so I could hide and then it came around to me 197 00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:08,420 They said would you like to share and I was just like I got nothing and I didn't realize how true that was 198 00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:09,420 I mean, I was still married 199 00:13:09,420 --> 00:13:15,580 I still had a you know house and and kids and a family and a job but inside I had nothing cuz I drank it 200 00:13:15,580 --> 00:13:20,860 All the way I had no emotions. I had no spirituality. I had nothing but yet I could hear people talk in those meetings 201 00:13:20,860 --> 00:13:26,660 And I heard some guy say how angry he wasn't that I could relate to and me too. They're taking away my drinking 202 00:13:26,660 --> 00:13:31,940 How am I going to to live without drinking and he had nine months and I thought you're supposed to be cured by nine months 203 00:13:31,940 --> 00:13:35,520 I mean, I did not know about a a right. I thought that was it 204 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:40,820 So I I liked it and I went back to my therapist and I said I think I might be an alcoholic 205 00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:46,060 She laughs and I go wait you knew didn't you she goes? Yeah, I go win and she was minute you walked in here 206 00:13:46,060 --> 00:13:48,620 I go, why didn't you say anything because you guys all lie 207 00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:52,260 So you got to figure it out for yourself and I did and I started to go to more meetings 208 00:13:52,260 --> 00:13:57,320 Started going to the Valley Club. I heard one of the first things I heard in a was look for the similarities 209 00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:58,060 Not the differences 210 00:13:58,060 --> 00:14:03,540 I heard that and I started to listen to people more about what we had in common than where I was different from them that 211 00:14:03,540 --> 00:14:06,020 Opposition defiance disorder was just I couldn't do it anymore 212 00:14:06,020 --> 00:14:11,460 I couldn't immediately react to that and I started to hear people talk about me now 213 00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:15,540 It wasn't always exactly I would go to a lot of speaker meetings in the early part of my sobriety because I wanted to hear 214 00:14:15,540 --> 00:14:19,700 People tell my story and they get to a point where it's like em. It's like in my 40s 215 00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:24,380 I stopped drinking. I mean me too and a wife and me too and then I go and then I started do heroin and I go 216 00:14:24,380 --> 00:14:29,580 Okay, well, I'm not that kind, you know, and I would still shut down trying to find every reason why I wasn't alcoholic 217 00:14:29,580 --> 00:14:34,700 But you said do the steps you said get a book which is the same book that I've had you said get a sponsor now 218 00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:38,780 Okay, I thought I would try something different and actually take direction like I was joking with Nate, you know 219 00:14:38,780 --> 00:14:42,160 I go you the only guy in a who takes, you know direction from your sponsor 220 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:46,420 because I found this guy early on and he was really good guy and he and he 221 00:14:46,420 --> 00:14:50,460 It was at the 530 meeting that I go to on a regular basis. They just started it's um, 222 00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:54,860 530 a.m. And I couldn't sleep so I go to this meeting and he was really kind 223 00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:58,740 He seemed to know something about a so I asked him be my sponsor if what he what anything was like being new 224 00:14:58,740 --> 00:15:02,740 You know, he said, you know, I really have learned to trust God clean house and serve others 225 00:15:02,740 --> 00:15:06,700 Yeah, I don't know why but I saw the steps and it just was like that's the steps right trust 226 00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:13,020 God one through three clean house four through nine serve others ten through twelve, right and I go this is easy 227 00:15:13,020 --> 00:15:17,460 I just broke this down into six things because what this guy said I didn't realize it was in the book 228 00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:21,860 In fact, there was a plaque right behind him. This is a trust God clean house serve others, you know 229 00:15:21,860 --> 00:15:27,440 But on page 98 it says trust God clean house and that's the chapters working with others and I go I think I could do 230 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:31,600 These steps in fact, I looked at the steps and said those first three are kind of I did it 231 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:35,380 I know I'm powerless over all called my life's unmanageable. I have a God in my life, you know 232 00:15:35,380 --> 00:15:40,060 So what do I need step two for and I guess I made that decision when I felt like that Sunday night 233 00:15:40,060 --> 00:15:41,420 I had lost a bet with God, you know 234 00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:42,900 And I told him you like my life so much 235 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:47,500 Show me something and he came to you of course when you get to step four and you say maybe searching for this one 236 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:47,820 inventory 237 00:15:47,820 --> 00:15:53,140 What does that mean? You know, I think I need a sponsor because at step five it talks about that 238 00:15:53,140 --> 00:15:57,500 They've been to God to ourselves in another human being. Oh, that's code, right? That's code for sponsor 239 00:15:57,500 --> 00:15:58,820 I get what you guys are trying to do here 240 00:15:58,820 --> 00:16:02,820 I they check your work at five and then after that you just say you did the rest of this stuff and everyone will be 241 00:16:02,820 --> 00:16:06,540 Happy with that and I can go on my merry way and I really want to get to the steps with this guy and he's 242 00:16:06,540 --> 00:16:10,940 Like what's your rush buddy? You're not getting out of here alive. I'm like what and he goes this is a lifelong thing now 243 00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:15,620 I didn't plan to be here for the rest of my life. I didn't plan here to be for more than 30 days 244 00:16:15,620 --> 00:16:19,940 I really wanted to get this thing and get out of here because I liked drinking 245 00:16:19,940 --> 00:16:26,100 I loved drinking and I say this a lot not just in you know sharing but all the time means if you don't drink you 246 00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:28,860 Don't get drunk say but for a guy like me who loved being drunk 247 00:16:28,860 --> 00:16:33,920 That was like the opposite of what I want to drink so I can get drunk. That's the whole point, right? 248 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,880 I needed something else in those days 249 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:41,000 I had a pager in 2006 and I did I had it cuz I didn't wanna give anyone my number 250 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:47,300 But people were handing me numbers, you know, and I would get their number and I would call them and they would say yeah 251 00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:49,260 Who is this? And I go you I just met you at the meeting 252 00:16:49,260 --> 00:16:53,420 You told me to call you because yeah, but nobody ever calls like I don't know the rules, you know 253 00:16:53,420 --> 00:16:56,500 I just did what you said every time I talked to a drunk. I felt better 254 00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,580 I don't know what it was and we could talk about anything 255 00:16:58,580 --> 00:17:02,040 In fact, this old guy who was at that first mean area went to a bird egg named doy 256 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:07,180 He said Derek. I don't know what it is about a a but two drunks can be talking about pig farming and something magic happens 257 00:17:07,180 --> 00:17:12,680 I found that to be true. So I liked calling people and I liked getting to know people in a a you know early on 258 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:16,420 I met a guy he was brand new. I thought we'd be sober buddies forever, you know at 30 days 259 00:17:16,420 --> 00:17:17,300 I took the chip 260 00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:21,100 He took a chip a week after me and then he was gone and I was like what's going on? 261 00:17:21,100 --> 00:17:25,460 And then I saw people leave it, you know, and it was the weirdest thing and I went up to this guy 262 00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:26,580 I go am I doing this wrong? 263 00:17:26,580 --> 00:17:30,940 You know am I supposed to relapse or something like that because it seems like because what's wrong with you? 264 00:17:30,940 --> 00:17:34,380 I don't know. I don't know what the rules are here. He goes you're doing the fight right thing 265 00:17:34,380 --> 00:17:36,940 Don't worry about whatever else anyone is doing. Do you feel better? 266 00:17:36,940 --> 00:17:40,980 Yeah, then keep doing what you're doing. I kept doing and about 60 days into it. I met this old guy 267 00:17:40,980 --> 00:17:44,220 He was coming to meetings. He was crying. I thought he was new so I went up to my go you okay? 268 00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:47,080 He was out of my dog and because I just haven't been to a meeting a long time ago 269 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:51,660 How long is that about ten years ago ten years? How long you been sober and he goes 23 I go 270 00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:54,140 It's that legal. Can you really not go to a meeting that long? 271 00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:58,060 He liked me and he started calling me every day and then I found out I said Ken 272 00:17:58,060 --> 00:18:00,620 Have you ever gone through the steps and he goes? Yeah, I got this guy 273 00:18:00,620 --> 00:18:02,260 I'm working with right now isn't going fast enough 274 00:18:02,260 --> 00:18:05,940 Do you think you can get me through these steps and he laughed and he goes why don't we do them together? 275 00:18:05,940 --> 00:18:09,880 And that changed everything because this is the first time where someone wasn't trying to tell me what to do 276 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:14,820 They wanted to do it with me and we started doing the steps together and at the 60 days, you know 277 00:18:14,820 --> 00:18:18,980 I started doing step one the poor guy, you know, cuz I'm still like fighting this thing and he goes are you an alcoholic? 278 00:18:18,980 --> 00:18:23,180 What's an alcoholic? What is an alcoholic, you know for five ten minutes? I'm going around 279 00:18:23,180 --> 00:18:26,780 Please just say you're an alcoholic. Okay. I'm an alcoholic great step two 280 00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:27,500 Let's go, you know 281 00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:31,940 And he got me to that fourth step and I started to know I had already tried the fourth step 282 00:18:31,940 --> 00:18:37,700 And a four step study place called studio 12 and I gotten so angry doing this four step. I was 30 days sober 283 00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:41,100 I didn't get what was going on because I wrote down all the resentments 284 00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:44,740 I wrote down about my dad I wrote down about my wife and all these people and I was so mad 285 00:18:44,740 --> 00:18:48,740 I had to go to another meeting and I started to raise my hand to share like a good newcomer and you know 286 00:18:48,740 --> 00:18:52,740 And they're good. Would you like to share? Yeah, I'd like to share. I'm 30 days sober. I'm doing my fourth step 287 00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:57,220 I'm more angry now than I've ever been and you guys suck and they're all like yay. Keep coming back 288 00:18:57,220 --> 00:19:00,180 Yeah, and I'm like what's going on here? You know, what's wrong with you people? 289 00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:04,080 I'm very upset here. And so when Ken took me through these things he told me he goes, you know 290 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:09,640 You need to write these things down so you could look at your part save a page for you and I did and in that 291 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:13,660 Fourth step I saw the exact same things that I was mad at my dad for was I was mad at me 292 00:19:13,660 --> 00:19:16,240 You're not a good father. You're not around, you know 293 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:20,140 He's drinking and I was like freaking out because it's kind of magic trick and when I told Kenneth stuff 294 00:19:20,140 --> 00:19:24,220 He just said two words that changed everything as well. He said yeah, me too. He said me too 295 00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:30,400 What do you mean? He's same relationship with my dad, you know, the otter. God thing that happens is he's the same age as my dad 296 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:35,620 They're a month apart. Okay. I'm the same age as his oldest son who he didn't have a relationship with who's happens to be named 297 00:19:35,620 --> 00:19:41,460 Darren, you know these things these coincidences that occur to me all the time in a I just take him for granted now 298 00:19:41,460 --> 00:19:44,240 I just know that that's God showing me and say I get it. I get it 299 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:48,940 You know there's things happening here and that's the beautiful thing about this is as I got closer for these steps 300 00:19:48,940 --> 00:19:52,960 I got closer to God and understanding that I never really had not as God as a celestial Butler 301 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:57,020 But as a newfound friend as it talks about the book and kid told me I need to do six and seven right away 302 00:19:57,020 --> 00:19:59,620 Because I got a lot of pride and if I ever drank again 303 00:19:59,620 --> 00:20:03,500 I'd never come back and I go how can you say so like that because you're the kind of guy that wouldn't come back to 304 00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:07,380 AA but I've never tested the theory like you said, you know me first is my sobriety date 305 00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:12,380 But I did all my relapsing before I came to AA. It's like I tried a stone. It's just something happened in AA 306 00:20:12,380 --> 00:20:17,620 That made me stick and I think it was like I said the people in the fellowship and the process of the steps and of 307 00:20:17,620 --> 00:20:20,100 Course come and as I started to do the amends and I said, yeah 308 00:20:20,100 --> 00:20:23,200 I made I made an amends to my wife. You know, I told her I was sorry and he goes, yeah 309 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,660 Wasn't that enough because that's all what she said it 310 00:20:25,660 --> 00:20:29,780 I told her I was lying about all the drinking and I told her all these things and he goes whatever news 311 00:20:29,780 --> 00:20:34,500 She's really upset. She said, you know, you lied to me and I thought I said I thought you knew she's like no 312 00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:39,900 I did it and that was it, you know, and you'll see because you didn't do it the way in the book tells you 313 00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:45,160 I'm sorry. I was wrong. What can I do to make it right see that's the immense and I go but I wasn't wrong 314 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:50,100 She was you were wrong and I go how am I wrong? She was you were wrong period don't worry about your wife 315 00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:55,940 Cuz my wife says go to Al-Anon not an alcoholic she drinks, but he always told me this is your program 316 00:20:55,940 --> 00:21:01,500 You run your program and you watch what happens and amazing thing is after 19 years and three months. She's gotten so much better 317 00:21:01,700 --> 00:21:08,460 she is just fantastic, you know because of me because I've gotten better and I have not much but enough because I have to keep 318 00:21:08,460 --> 00:21:13,420 Doing this all the time as it says in step 10 continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it 319 00:21:13,420 --> 00:21:20,180 I'm married. So I'm wrong all the time, you know coming here tonight. She I know I tell her I'm gonna go speak Saturday night 320 00:21:20,180 --> 00:21:24,500 That's the only night I get you and now you're gonna go speak on Saturday night and oh, yeah, right 321 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:29,180 You know, I'm just are you keep you I'm not drinking what's wrong with you, right? 322 00:21:29,180 --> 00:21:33,940 It's because I forget I'm such a fantastic guy. She wants to be around. Hmm 323 00:21:33,940 --> 00:21:38,940 Maybe not but she knows that that's our thing. You know, we hang out on Saturday nights and my daughter's out of town 324 00:21:38,940 --> 00:21:42,420 And so we we have the night to ourselves and it's like, you know 325 00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:46,740 But I said instead of saying, you know the excuses that I make I have a reason I go 326 00:21:46,740 --> 00:21:50,820 You know, I do it because I do what I say and you know that about me. I have integrity now 327 00:21:50,820 --> 00:21:57,340 Sorry, the steps gave me that it's not about being honest anymore because like I said when she put which she saw me with that 328 00:21:57,340 --> 00:22:03,620 drink I was being honest with her as like I wasn't drinking because honestly I wasn't right but the truth is as soon as you turn your 329 00:22:03,620 --> 00:22:08,580 Your head I'm drinking and I'm gonna drink until I pass out and then I'm gonna wake up and drink some more 330 00:22:08,580 --> 00:22:09,480 That would be the truth 331 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:13,980 Honesty is not very important to me because usually it's about people tell me how they feel, you know 332 00:22:13,980 --> 00:22:19,340 People say can I be honest with you Derek? You're a jerk. You go. That's being honest. Okay, it's important to be honest with myself 333 00:22:19,340 --> 00:22:23,820 And once I'm honest with myself, I can be honest with you and then I have integrity and I do what I say 334 00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:28,080 I show up for these things you guys taught me that show up to a few minutes early 335 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:31,500 and again, like you say it goes out into the rest of the world - when I go to 336 00:22:31,500 --> 00:22:35,780 Like I take classes for continuing education. I show up I greet the teacher 337 00:22:35,780 --> 00:22:38,900 I say thank you so much and I stay afterwards and I clean up they go 338 00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:42,900 Well, you're a great guy and you get to make connections and then maybe I should get your card and let's do that 339 00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:47,260 You know and it works. It really does think it says that in the book to page 88 line 8 340 00:22:47,260 --> 00:22:50,600 So 10 step into you take personal inventory when we're wrong promptly admitted it 341 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:55,220 And so yeah, and then I have two daughters and I'm wrong all the time because I exist, you know 342 00:22:55,220 --> 00:22:58,900 When they were teenagers, it was just shut up that you know, my youngest daughter 343 00:22:58,900 --> 00:23:03,460 I tell the story a lot and I love it because when I was you know going through this she said, you know 344 00:23:03,460 --> 00:23:07,980 I'm sorry all the time and I'm like, mr. AA now my honey. You can't say you're sorry. You have to say I'm sorry 345 00:23:07,980 --> 00:23:09,980 I was wrong. What can I do to make it right? 346 00:23:09,980 --> 00:23:14,020 She was okay dad I'll try and then we were going to the dentist and I press the wrong but you know 347 00:23:14,020 --> 00:23:17,600 We were running late and I was so upset. I just said the f-word out loud and she's like 348 00:23:18,620 --> 00:23:23,260 I'm so sorry and she was you're sorry and I go yeah, I said, oh, I'm sorry 349 00:23:23,260 --> 00:23:26,820 I was wrong to say that and she was and what can I do to make it right? 350 00:23:26,820 --> 00:23:29,780 She was buy me an iPad because they just come out at that time, right? 351 00:23:29,780 --> 00:23:33,500 And I go really that's the amends that I need to make it doesn't work that way 352 00:23:33,500 --> 00:23:37,820 You know and it taught me a valuable lesson about making amends to people is that you don't have to do what they say right away 353 00:23:37,820 --> 00:23:42,500 Because there's some people who might tell you why don't you just get out of my life forever go kill yourself because you were that bad 354 00:23:42,500 --> 00:23:46,940 You're not gonna do that. What I've said to myself is what I can't do that right now 355 00:23:47,020 --> 00:23:52,340 What can I do and they might just say just go away and sometimes that happens but most of the time it doesn't when I? 356 00:23:52,340 --> 00:23:54,180 Went back and made the immense to my wife the proper way 357 00:23:54,180 --> 00:23:56,640 She's just I'm glad you're sober just stay sober and I do 358 00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:02,260 And I'm very fortunate that because of that I can do step 11 and that means I get to pray and meditate all the time 359 00:24:02,260 --> 00:24:06,060 I love the 11 step prayer cuz it's always about the solution right whether it's darkness 360 00:24:06,060 --> 00:24:07,660 Let me bring light and all that good stuff 361 00:24:07,660 --> 00:24:10,820 But when I pray and meditate I ask God, why do I keep making these mistakes? 362 00:24:10,820 --> 00:24:13,060 I fall asleep, but I wake up spiritual 363 00:24:13,060 --> 00:24:18,300 I have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps and I try to carry this message try to carry this message 364 00:24:18,300 --> 00:24:22,840 To other alcoholics and to practice principles in all my affairs and that's why I'm here tonight 365 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:28,020 You know is because this message that I have is my story and the funny thing is I was about five or six years sober 366 00:24:28,020 --> 00:24:34,300 And I was speaking at a meeting and and I suddenly realized I'd been want heard what I finally want to hear the speaker who? 367 00:24:34,300 --> 00:24:37,860 Knew my story it was me and because of that now I can say, you know 368 00:24:37,860 --> 00:24:42,100 Maybe there's someone out there who will relate to you and maybe now, you know, I have no power over that 369 00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:46,740 That's up to God but the beauty part of is the more that I do this the more of it is a reminder to me 370 00:24:46,740 --> 00:24:51,040 How grateful that I am, you know that first year sobriety was really just about staying sober. I'm like, dr 371 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:55,220 Bob he says in the big book first two and a half years of sobriety first two and a half years 372 00:24:55,220 --> 00:24:59,020 I almost always thought of drinking it was just plain not drinking for him 373 00:24:59,020 --> 00:25:02,720 But he threw himself in the service and he said I had schooled myself that I had 374 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,620 You know ruined the privilege so much that didn't behoove me to go around 375 00:25:05,620 --> 00:25:10,860 Squawking about not being able to drink and he threw himself in the service and that's what I did. I got commitments 376 00:25:10,860 --> 00:25:15,300 I started the going meetings as much as I could in the first hundred in the first 90 days 377 00:25:15,300 --> 00:25:20,220 I went to 180 means cuz you told me 90 meetings in 90 days in my opposition the fine stores 378 00:25:20,220 --> 00:25:26,380 I'll show you a little 180 and it won't work, right but it did and I started to feel better and that second year 379 00:25:26,380 --> 00:25:31,720 I started to sponsor people and it worked and I started to feel better and I started like AA and I started to go to 380 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:36,460 meetings at about three and a half years sober by my it was 15 years ago this this this 381 00:25:36,460 --> 00:25:40,560 Month that my father-in-law passed away. My aunt had passed away six months 382 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:45,380 Prior from cancer. This is my dad's sister who when he died, I was drinking when she died 383 00:25:45,380 --> 00:25:47,900 I was there for her it was sort of an immense 384 00:25:47,900 --> 00:25:51,780 He didn't like her that much but for me it was and the idea was that you know 385 00:25:51,780 --> 00:25:55,100 I realized I had to stay sober that long three and a half years 386 00:25:55,100 --> 00:25:58,300 To be there for her and almost four years 387 00:25:58,300 --> 00:26:02,780 So that when my mother-in-law and my follow-up passed away my mother-in-law said I want to move in with you 388 00:26:02,780 --> 00:26:08,140 I was ready for that and you know 14 years ago this we're not 14 is it 2011? 389 00:26:08,140 --> 00:26:12,180 Yeah, 14 years ago this month. She moved in with us. We got a house five years ago this month 390 00:26:12,180 --> 00:26:15,480 August just seems to be a terrible month for me. I don't know what that is five years ago this one 391 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:18,060 She passed away wasn't from COVID was during COVID 392 00:26:18,060 --> 00:26:23,460 She had cancer and it was it was a rough time and there have been times in my life all along the way where I get 393 00:26:23,460 --> 00:26:26,780 To that point where it's almost like I forget all the stuff that I learned 394 00:26:26,780 --> 00:26:29,020 But I was five years sober my wife said, you know when you act like this 395 00:26:29,020 --> 00:26:32,140 It's like you're drinking and I got pissed. I was like really you want to see drinking? 396 00:26:32,140 --> 00:26:37,640 I'll show you drinking but you know what she said was it's just you scared me when you're like this, you know 397 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:41,020 The the thing I love about her now is she teases me a lot 398 00:26:41,020 --> 00:26:44,000 You know and makes fun of me and I go when did this start? 399 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:48,980 She was when you stop drinking because I'm not afraid of you anymore. Yeah at ten years sober about the same thing happened 400 00:26:48,980 --> 00:26:52,040 I was running around like a maniac and it was like, you know, what am I gonna do? 401 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:56,380 And and she looked at me again. She's you know when you act like this and I go I know she didn't say it 402 00:26:56,380 --> 00:26:59,700 She said it's like you don't take your own advice and that hurt even more 403 00:26:59,700 --> 00:27:02,460 Because by that time I was ten years sober and you think I would know better 404 00:27:02,460 --> 00:27:08,060 I learned you never think that hey, hey, you're never cured. In fact in the big book on page 85 it says we are not cured 405 00:27:08,060 --> 00:27:12,380 Of alcohol what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the mains of our spiritual condition 406 00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:16,500 So at about 15 years sober, I guess it was closer to 14 when this lockdown happened 407 00:27:16,500 --> 00:27:18,780 You might have heard of it. It caused this whole zoom thing and something like that 408 00:27:18,780 --> 00:27:20,780 I totally freaked out because they're taking my meetings away 409 00:27:20,780 --> 00:27:25,240 What am I gonna do and this time my wife said, you know what to do and I got to you know 410 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:30,260 I never heard of zoom in my life and someone told told me it was a way the drug addicts get together to do drugs 411 00:27:30,260 --> 00:27:34,180 like was that true, you know, and I don't know if it is or not, but it makes a great story and we started doing a 412 00:27:34,180 --> 00:27:39,220 Zoom meeting and it's still going at the 530 mean just like this is and I realized that the cool part about thank you 413 00:27:39,220 --> 00:27:43,540 The cool thing about recovery is that it can happen anywhere and it says that in the big book, right? 414 00:27:43,540 --> 00:27:48,380 It says that on the end of chapter 4 modem to modem or face to face alcoholics and honest, but more importantly 415 00:27:48,380 --> 00:27:51,420 I think it's the end beginning of chapter or the forward of chapter 3 416 00:27:51,420 --> 00:27:56,700 It says each day if recovery begins when one alcoholic talks to another it doesn't say you go through the steps 417 00:27:56,700 --> 00:28:02,300 It doesn't say you have a sponsor go through the big book. Those are important but ground level a to me is talking to another 418 00:28:02,300 --> 00:28:04,740 Alcoholic, how are you doing? Is everything okay? 419 00:28:04,740 --> 00:28:10,220 What's going on in your life and you get to know people you get to care and because of that caring it allows me for my 420 00:28:10,220 --> 00:28:14,860 Sharing to open up my life in a way that before I didn't want you to know these things again. Look at me 421 00:28:14,860 --> 00:28:20,020 Don't look at me. I didn't want you to see the shameful things. I don't have to live in guilt or shame anymore 422 00:28:20,020 --> 00:28:24,260 I don't have to live in fear. I still get fear. I was afraid like I said today 423 00:28:24,260 --> 00:28:29,180 I did I double booked the meeting am I gonna I'm always afraid of how I'm gonna feel - am I gonna be too tired? 424 00:28:29,180 --> 00:28:30,540 It's Saturday night. It's late 425 00:28:30,540 --> 00:28:36,180 You know this God help me God help me and he does and like I said my sponsor told me to pray and so I went 426 00:28:36,180 --> 00:28:37,500 In the bathroom just said a quick prayer 427 00:28:37,500 --> 00:28:43,420 So if I said something tonight that you know helped you or did where the side I said something like you didn't like when God 428 00:28:43,420 --> 00:28:48,260 Cuz I prayed but if I say something like that help you playing God because I did it's always like to close with this part 429 00:28:48,260 --> 00:28:53,580 Of the big book that helps me a lot because if when I was new it's how I felt on page 152 430 00:28:53,580 --> 00:28:55,660 It's it talks about in the vision for you 431 00:28:55,660 --> 00:29:00,660 And I love the way the book set up because the first chapter is Bill's story and it talks about identify 432 00:29:00,660 --> 00:29:04,180 You know how to identify with him and there's a solution is about step one 433 00:29:04,180 --> 00:29:08,780 Chapter two step through chapter threes is really about the incentive proceeds the fourth fourth week 434 00:29:08,780 --> 00:29:12,000 Which is step two believe that I could be restored to sanity step 435 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:16,220 step two is in chapter four chapter five talks about the 436 00:29:16,220 --> 00:29:21,220 Step three and into step four and then the I'm sorry 437 00:29:21,220 --> 00:29:23,660 I have to turn the line because my eyesight is just not working tonight 438 00:29:23,660 --> 00:29:29,260 There we go. And then chapter five is into action. No chapter five is how it works chapter six is into action 439 00:29:29,260 --> 00:29:32,020 That's five through eleven then the whole chapter about working with others chapters 440 00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:36,840 that's chapter seven is all step twelve and then you've got two wives family afterward and 441 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:42,380 Two employers, which is the second part of the twelve step. They made this book perfectly to follow the steps 442 00:29:42,380 --> 00:29:44,100 Right, then you get to a vision for you 443 00:29:44,100 --> 00:29:48,380 Which is if you've done all the steps then you build a fellowship now why they only have eleven chapters in this book when they? 444 00:29:48,380 --> 00:29:52,760 Have twelve of everything else, right? I don't know but when they do the fifth edition, which will be releasing soon 445 00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:53,820 I'm sure they'll have chapter 12 446 00:29:53,820 --> 00:29:59,540 It'll be as Derek sees it and it'll be it'll be one page that will say whatever but this page in a vision for you 447 00:29:59,540 --> 00:30:04,320 Tells me something that I need to know always he meaning the alcoholic cannot picture life without alcohol someday 448 00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:07,200 He will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it them 449 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:11,100 He will know loneliness such as you do who will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end 450 00:30:11,100 --> 00:30:13,660 We have shown you how he got out from under you say yes 451 00:30:13,660 --> 00:30:18,020 I'm willing but am I to be consigned to a life where I should be stupid boring and glum like some righteous people I see 452 00:30:18,020 --> 00:30:23,020 I know I must get along without liquor. But how can I have you a sufficient substitute? Yes 453 00:30:23,020 --> 00:30:27,180 There is a substitute is vastly more than that is a fellowship and alcoholics anonymous there 454 00:30:27,180 --> 00:30:30,680 You will find release from care boredom and worry your imagination will be fired 455 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:36,880 Life will mean something at last the most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship and solely you 456 00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:38,180 Thank you. You know, that's a promise 457 00:30:38,180 --> 00:30:41,500 There are many promises in the big book not just on page 83 and 84 458 00:30:41,500 --> 00:30:46,880 That promise to me means that no matter where I'm at sobriety the best years of my existence lie ahead of me and I have 459 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:50,800 To hold on to that now because after being sober for 19 years, it kind of gets, you know routine 460 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:55,160 You just start to take it for granted and I can't every day that I wake up and I pray and I thank God that I'm 461 00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:59,860 Sober, it's a reminder every time I come to a meeting and I say I'm Derek. I'm an alcoholic. It's a reminder 462 00:30:59,860 --> 00:31:02,260 It's not just to tell you guys what I am but to say Derek 463 00:31:02,260 --> 00:31:06,180 This is what you are and you must do these things to keep it in check again 464 00:31:06,180 --> 00:31:08,180 We are not cured of alcoholism 465 00:31:08,180 --> 00:31:13,140 What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the main source spiritual condition and because of this meeting and all of you 466 00:31:13,140 --> 00:31:17,180 You've helped maintain my spiritual condition and I can't thank you enough. Thank you for letting me share