1
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 - There we go.

2
00:00:01,280 --> 00:00:02,680
 - Did I get that right correctly?

3
00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:03,520
 - Yeah.

4
00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:06,000
 - The 30 minutes talk, okay, 30 minutes.

5
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 Jorge alcoholic.

6
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,000
 - Hi Jorge.

7
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,160
 - So, I guess before I start,

8
00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:14,280
 my sobriety date is August 5th, 1991,

9
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:16,620
 which puts me, I'm 34 years sober,

10
00:00:16,620 --> 00:00:19,240
 continuous sobriety since the day I first walked

11
00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:23,040
 into that meeting on Sunday night on the west side.

12
00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:24,240
 I got sober on the west side.

13
00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:28,680
 I got sober over a party bus from the armory,

14
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 the VA hospital and everything,

15
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 but the basement of this building, you know,

16
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:38,080
 and the meeting where I got sober was Ohio street.

17
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,440
 So it's a very, very holy and important place for me,

18
00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,800
 Ohio street, to get bringing back.

19
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 Picking up sugar butts back when they had smokers

20
00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,840
 and stuff like that at the meeting,

21
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:52,200
 and stuff like that, but it's a place that I really love.

22
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 So I grew up in New York City,

23
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 I'm originally born and raised in New York City,

24
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 I'm what you call a New York Rican,

25
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 Puerto Rican, I was born in New York City,

26
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 and you know, I grew up in a pretty tough neighborhood,

27
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 you know, the Bronx and Queens also, and it was,

28
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,200
 it wasn't that easy for me, you know,

29
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 I didn't want to be, I didn't want to be Puerto Rican,

30
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 I didn't want to eat rice and beans and chicken,

31
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 I didn't want to hear salsa music or play baseball.

32
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 I wanted to be American, you know,

33
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 I wanted to play basketball,

34
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 and I wanted to go out and eat hot dogs and meatloaf,

35
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 and you know, be American.

36
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 No, just rice and beans stuff, you know what I mean?

37
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 And I love to read too, I was a big, big book reader,

38
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 and I would just spend hours and hours in the library.

39
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 You know, I grew up in gang-infested territory,

40
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 and you know, it was really hard, I was fighting every day,

41
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 it wasn't easy growing up, you know,

42
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 white skin, blue eyes, and speak pretty good English,

43
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 Spanish, black and Hispanic neighborhood,

44
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 Italians would come in, there was fights everywhere,

45
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 you know, I'd fight to get on the bus,

46
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 I'd fight in the bus, and I'd fight to get off the bus,

47
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 and then as I got off the bus, they'd text me.

48
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 So that's kind of what I remember, you know,

49
00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,240
 was just basically trying to survive in that kind of fit in,

50
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:05,160
 so I didn't fit in in that part of the world, you know,

51
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 and so I'd just go to the library and I'd read a stack

52
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 of books, I'd read books, reading all kinds of books

53
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 when I was eight, nine, 10, 12 years old, you know,

54
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 and new family math was all kind of crazy,

55
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 you know, it's a typical dysfunctional family,

56
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 I didn't even, when I first heard the word dysfunctional,

57
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 I was, "Oh, I know what that means, it's my family."

58
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 So it was kind of crazy, you know,

59
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 and things didn't really fit right, you know,

60
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 and there's all this chaos and everything,

61
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 so there was really no peace, but I say that,

62
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 that's how I grew up, I'm not gonna blame anybody,

63
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 I mean, other people have more.

64
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 I'm not here to talk about horses,

65
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:43,120
 I'm here to talk about myself and to who I am

66
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 and stuff like that, you know, and I just didn't fit in,

67
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 didn't fit in with the family,

68
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 didn't fit in the neighborhood, you know what I mean,

69
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 I just wanted to, you know, I, you know,

70
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 when my parents asked me, "Do I wanna go to Puerto Rico?"

71
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 I said, "No, I wanna go to Israel and work in the woods,

72
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 "no, I wanna go to France, you know,

73
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 "I wanna study French in school."

74
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 I said, "I studied French, I didn't study Spanish,"

75
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 so it's both at home, I wanna study a little language,

76
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,480
 I wanna study the culture, I wanna be something else,

77
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 I don't wanna be here, I wanna be someplace else,

78
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 you know, you know, it's quite like the story of my life,

79
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 I don't wanna be here, I wanna be out there somewhere,

80
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 adventurous, you know, and so there I was,

81
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:19,720
 18, 19 years old, and I decided to go out of the family,

82
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:22,040
 I don't have everything, so I joined the Air Force,

83
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,760
 you know, I was just joining the Air Force,

84
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 and, you know, and they sent me to Spain,

85
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:30,800
 they didn't send me to France, they sent me to Spain,

86
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,600
 you know, so I was living in Spain,

87
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 and it was really great, I mean, I got to travel,

88
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 I was living there, I spoke the language, I loved the food,

89
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 and, you know, I'd been running in the bulls

90
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,280
 and things, I got in the bull,

91
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 so I got killed a few times, you know,

92
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 on a motorcycle, and I really spoke holes,

93
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,760
 head in the auto motorcycle maintenance,

94
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:51,200
 so I had to buy a BMW motorcycle,

95
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 so I brought an old BMW motorcycle,

96
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 worked on it, fixed it, you know, overhauled it,

97
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 all that stuff, rode that thing from Spain,

98
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 to Spain and Europe and everything,

99
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 and I played for a little soccer team over there,

100
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 and knew that nature, and I was lonely,

101
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,200
 I was deaf, but for some reason,

102
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 even though I spoke the language and everything like that,

103
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,320
 I had this deaf break, I didn't know what it was,

104
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,200
 it was driving me inside, same thing I had

105
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:18,360
 when I was in New York City, full desperation,

106
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,400
 be somewhere, be somewhere else, kind of weird,

107
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 and, you know, I met this girl, and I fell in love with her,

108
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 and she was my first love, and I got transferred

109
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 from Spain to Germany, so I'd have a few drinks

110
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 every now and then, I'd have a drink here and there,

111
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:38,920
 you know, I wasn't, you know, the first time I had a drink,

112
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:40,680
 you know, I shipped in the bathroom,

113
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 which is typical of me, you know, sleeping in the bathroom,

114
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 in a freakin' box, you know, and so I was,

115
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 I was trying to be good for this girl,

116
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 I was trying not to be a bad person because of that nature,

117
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 and, you know, I got stationed, traveled,

118
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 went to Germany, and then tried to come back

119
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 on this temporary side, and then I got out of the search,

120
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 and went back to her, and things didn't work out for me,

121
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 and it's kind of, for me, you know,

122
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 people talk about that invisible line, you know,

123
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 I know when I crossed that invisible line,

124
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 I know exactly where I crossed it,

125
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 I was in that little town in Spain,

126
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 and I knew that that's where I had to go,

127
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 I crossed that line, so then I crossed that invisible line,

128
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 and an invisible line is like, it's like with the,

129
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 whatever the madness, whatever is that's inside of me,

130
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 just kind of came out, and I was just gonna go buck,

131
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 whatever it was, you know, I'll live that relationship,

132
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 they told me, then I'm impossible, leave me in peace,

133
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 after it, just traveled around some more, grew all my money,

134
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 and I was still in Mexico.

135
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,360
 My parents had moved to California,

136
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 so I came to California, and I came to get lost,

137
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,400
 didn't know what to do, there's all these freeways,

138
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 and all these cars, where are these people going,

139
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 I figured, well, what's going on here?

140
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 People going here, what's going on in this town,

141
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 it's completely lost, I didn't know anybody there, you know,

142
00:05:56,200 --> 00:06:00,360
 so I'd find myself, you know, I'd be in these places

143
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 with the bikers, or whatever, I'm about five feet seven,

144
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 the bikers are huge and everything,

145
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 big beers and beer, and I just, for some reason,

146
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,880
 I just needed to be somewhere that I thought

147
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 was kind of normal, and that's kind of what I was doing,

148
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,800
 these places, either, got a job, worked offshore,

149
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,720
 they couldn't fit in, so I'm working offshore,

150
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,400
 something with a great idea, being in a boat,

151
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,480
 travel somewhere, go somewhere, do something,

152
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:23,960
 and you know, if anybody's ever worked on a boat,

153
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 they'll tell you, working on a boat is like living

154
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 in a closet with 20 guys, and as soon as that boat

155
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 came to port, then, in the bar, just drinking, drinking,

156
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:36,880
 and you know, I was in places, I wasn't from Alaska,

157
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,280
 I should like that, you know, working,

158
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 and you know, these boats and everything,

159
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 and with the Eskimos, and the Aleut Indians,

160
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 and there's the fishermen up there, the crab fishermen,

161
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,920
 you know, before the big thing on TV,

162
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:51,120
 Dutch Harbor was a freaking nightmare place to be,

163
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,680
 35, 40 years ago, you know, and I was there,

164
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 I got 86 out of that stupid island,

165
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 I had Dutch heartburn, believe it or not,

166
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,960
 holding up Eskimos, boots and everything,

167
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 because I don't know what I did, lost a high pain job,

168
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,800
 got 86, got next to another, I was on an airplane,

169
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 I was out of control, you know, I was looking

170
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 for something, I wasn't there, traveled around,

171
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,480
 got lost in Central America, I'd been killed then,

172
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 going back, you know, I didn't fit in,

173
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 I was like 23, 24 years old, I did not fit in at all,

174
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 my insides were dying, you know, and like realistically,

175
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 I was drinking to fill the insides,

176
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 just kind of filled in that gap, man,

177
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 it's a huge gap, you know, it was driving me,

178
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 you know, I mean, I could not live,

179
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:34,800
 I just had a living problem,

180
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 and my answer was to drink it away,

181
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 and the worst time of the day was two o'clock in the morning

182
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,240
 when they're knocking on that thing and then go,

183
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,440
 oh, give me a double kamikaze or something else

184
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 to get ready to go, you know what I mean?

185
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:48,680
 And I was on a Sunday night, I had to go to work next day,

186
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,240
 you know, and my idea of a good time was,

187
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:52,720
 let me do the laundry, I thought I could then

188
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,520
 shoot some pool, you know, I don't play pool,

189
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,000
 but I'll go, it's a good idea, get me in there,

190
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:58,800
 two o'clock in the morning, last call,

191
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,280
 and I gotta go back to the laundry room,

192
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,400
 I love the adage, and stuff is on the floor,

193
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,400
 and I gotta go to work, wake up at six

194
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,840
 or seven in the morning to work.

195
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,480
 And I started out working, I had no job skill,

196
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,880
 I mean, you know, I mean, who wants to hire a drug dealer?

197
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,560
 Oh, I started out as a label, out there in Palmdale,

198
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,680
 driving around, big Ford truck,

199
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,720
 and you know, first five homes in Palmdale,

200
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,800
 you know, and they're building a big label,

201
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,400
 maybe I drive as a drywall guy, doing that process,

202
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,520
 and that's how I lived, you know?

203
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:29,920
 And I lived like that for quite a while,

204
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,440
 I did a lot of things, I'm ashamed of, you know,

205
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:36,840
 I left this girl pregnant and I left her with my daughter,

206
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,680
 you know, I just, I thought that was the better deal

207
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,600
 for them, the better deal is they're leaving me

208
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,960
 because I'm not a good guy, you know?

209
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,760
 So, I thought that was the way you lived,

210
00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:47,080
 it seemed okay to me, it seemed perfectly enough,

211
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:49,800
 I mean, you know, when I was in the freaking,

212
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:52,000
 they're filming the Van Nuys deal and stuff like that,

213
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,000
 and my face is on the floor, the tile floor,

214
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,160
 pick up the little tile and put the thing in there,

215
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:59,200
 you know, I thought, isn't this what you do?

216
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,880
 Isn't this what, isn't this what happens?

217
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:02,160
 Isn't that what you're supposed to do?

218
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,120
 Isn't this like a lovely thing I have to write down

219
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:05,360
 as a thing to do, you know?

220
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:08,320
 And when I was at the, like, Presbyterian Hospital,

221
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:09,960
 they're putting my nose back together again

222
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:14,360
 with no, they didn't, no Novick can or nothing,

223
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:16,000
 they just went ahead and stepped up to me and said,

224
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,520
 "I was already half gone anyway."

225
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,000
 And I was just like, isn't this what you're supposed to do?

226
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,320
 Isn't this what it is, you know what I mean?

227
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:23,680
 I know the notch on the belly.

228
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:26,840
 So, it all seemed perfectly normal to me.

229
00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:28,760
 I don't know, I don't know about you guys,

230
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:32,040
 that's living, because I could live life, you know?

231
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:35,440
 And so, I did that, I wound up living on the west side,

232
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,720
 and that's how it was going, you know,

233
00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,120
 I couldn't even really walk straight,

234
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,200
 and I'm going to a liquor store,

235
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,360
 and they didn't try to see me.

236
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:44,560
 They didn't want my credit card no more,

237
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,120
 they just didn't want me, you know what I'm saying?

238
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,160
 None of their guys would wear my guns, right?

239
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:49,320
 They didn't want to see me no more, you know?

240
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:51,640
 So, what happened was the important story.

241
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,960
 Rockwell, they were good, Rockwell.

242
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,040
 That's what happened is important.

243
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,560
 My insides is dying, and what happened was,

244
00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,000
 alcohol stopped working for me.

245
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,440
 The man had probably tried drugs.

246
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:01,800
 I couldn't feel the pain anymore.

247
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:03,280
 It was built, it's huge.

248
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,960
 And I started to build, I felt terrorized.

249
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,120
 It ain't working to me.

250
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,160
 I'd be, I'd be.

251
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,400
 I may be drunk as a skunk, but emotionally and inside,

252
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,520
 I was just cleaned, supple to the man.

253
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,880
 It was like, I could feel that stuff, couldn't put it away.

254
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:21,200
 So, one time, it was so, six months before I got sober,

255
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,720
 I was living in that basement of that building,

256
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:23,920
 you know, a little bathroom.

257
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:28,120
 I had, you know, the old little, little cell phone.

258
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:33,120
 You know, nice little, little refrigerator.

259
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:36,720
 And I woke up one night.

260
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,400
 I felt I had this terrible dream,

261
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,080
 but I was a blind man falling.

262
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:40,920
 Look at the truth.

263
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:42,960
 He's falling in this bottomless pit

264
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,160
 in his complete darkness.

265
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,440
 And I heard his voice in my dream saying,

266
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:49,360
 "The answer you're searching for is at your body.

267
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:50,920
 The faster you find your body,

268
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:52,600
 the faster you'll find your answer."

269
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,040
 That's what I said.

270
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,240
 I got out of bed in the middle of the night,

271
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,640
 and I got on my knees and I prayed,

272
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,200
 "God help me, please help me."

273
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,920
 That was the most important prayer for me,

274
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:05,400
 is that prayer, "God help me, please help me God."

275
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:06,640
 And so, what I did was,

276
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,720
 I used to have these little rules and regulations,

277
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:10,960
 you know, like, "Hey, don't mix your drinks.

278
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,800
 Mix your heat before you drink."

279
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,520
 Stupid one, since you're probably out the door telling.

280
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:16,800
 I just said, "Well, you know what?

281
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:17,960
 I'm gonna get to that bottom."

282
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:18,800
 And I just did.

283
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:19,800
 I drank and drank.

284
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,960
 I'd wake up in the morning, had the vodka.

285
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,760
 A little orange juice for a little vitamin.

286
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,480
 And he put the vodka in there.

287
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,400
 And then he'd go, "Come back and see me."

288
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,200
 And whenever I was doing it.

289
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,040
 I was looking for anybody.

290
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,400
 I went out, I was at a bar,

291
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,880
 and I met this friend,

292
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,160
 and she reminded me of my friend.

293
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,000
 That's right.

294
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,360
 And I'm trying to talk to her,

295
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,720
 but I was my usual blimbering, stupid state.

296
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:44,080
 That was an end, a complete idiot that I was.

297
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:47,440
 I woke up the next morning feeling unbelievable.

298
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,600
 And the thing just disgusted at myself.

299
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:51,720
 And I looked in the mirror,

300
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:53,440
 and I saw this beat-up old guy.

301
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:57,280
 You know, rubby deers, and scabbing, and women.

302
00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:01,160
 In the mirror, I saw a little boy that was me playing soccer.

303
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:02,680
 I kept thinking, "What happened to that boy

304
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,920
 that wanted to be on the soccer field?"

305
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,320
 He was a doctor, an engineer.

306
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:07,920
 They had all these different people.

307
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,560
 Boy, and then I just saw my stuff, yeah.

308
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:10,960
 And I didn't like it.

309
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:14,080
 So I poured that drink down the sink.

310
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,560
 I poured that out the bottle, about to get him.

311
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:17,920
 I poured that thing down the sink.

312
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:18,760
 I didn't want it.

313
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,400
 So I called the A.

314
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,280
 I don't know why I called the A.

315
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,600
 Nobody told me about the A.

316
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,280
 I was deaf and blind by the time when I was drinking.

317
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:27,280
 For some reason, I called.

318
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,880
 I went into the book, the yellow book.

319
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:31,200
 In fact, people remember those.

320
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,040
 They had the phone book.

321
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,440
 And I called the A, and they called him.

322
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,360
 And they was asking me all these questions,

323
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:37,200
 these stupid questions.

324
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,480
 So he's reading the 20 questions to me,

325
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:39,320
 and we should do it.

326
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,080
 And I'm thinking, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."

327
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:44,160
 And I just, I finally, about halfway through the question,

328
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,600
 I said, "Look, I'm an alcoholic.

329
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:47,440
 I just told her this."

330
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:52,040
 She finally realized I didn't need no stinking questions.

331
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,560
 Oh, Clint Eastwood movie, you know.

332
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,360
 I don't need no stinking, I'm done.

333
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:56,200
 I don't care what it is.

334
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,960
 I mean, it's a bunch of old guys, you know,

335
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:02,080
 in trench coats and around a little table, little bags.

336
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,320
 Okay, if it's whatever, I'm done.

337
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:07,560
 So she gave me the address to Ohio Street.

338
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:09,600
 Ohio Street was actually five blocks away

339
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,400
 from where I live, unbelievable where it was.

340
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,400
 But I couldn't find it.

341
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,080
 I thought it was over here, over there.

342
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:15,040
 Anybody knows the west side?

343
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:17,120
 It's kind of weird, but I was driving, driving, driving.

344
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,000
 It's like, being started at 730 is like 715.

345
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:20,840
 Couldn't find a place.

346
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:21,680
 You know, I could have said,

347
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,640
 "Hey, I can't find a place, it ain't meant to be."

348
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,480
 But I just said, "It's gotta be here, it's gotta be somewhere."

349
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,040
 And I found the place, which is the way it came in.

350
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:33,000
 I went, like a good alcoholic, like a good old first timer.

351
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,680
 You know, I parked across the street far away

352
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:35,520
 from where I was.

353
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:38,280
 I couldn't walk in there in this dark night,

354
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,240
 and so it was my grubby self.

355
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,000
 And it was, there was a light,

356
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,120
 and I was drawn to the light of the door,

357
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,240
 and a lady got up and shook my hand, you know?

358
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:48,560
 And the secretary of the meeting,

359
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:51,000
 and I was the other person, and I walked in here,

360
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:51,960
 and my life changed.

361
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:52,800
 It really changed, you know?

362
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,200
 I think we used to cross the street,

363
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,000
 'cause they didn't want to see me or walk away from me.

364
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,280
 These people came to me and gave me their hands,

365
00:13:58,280 --> 00:13:59,560
 and gave me their business card,

366
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,440
 and put down their personal numbers on paper.

367
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,160
 They wanted me there, and I felt at home.

368
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,600
 I felt like, you know that feeling?

369
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:06,440
 I felt that.

370
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:07,800
 I really did, you know?

371
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,600
 And then I was so happy and joyful

372
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,960
 that I was with my time, my time.

373
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,160
 That's what I needed, my time.

374
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:14,440
 I didn't care, whatever.

375
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,640
 I just, my kind.

376
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:16,680
 You guys understand me.

377
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:17,640
 You know me.

378
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,520
 You, you know, I'm not playing no games.

379
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:20,360
 You know me.

380
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,520
 I don't like to hide anymore.

381
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:23,360
 Something like that.

382
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,040
 And I loved it.

383
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:26,760
 I really did, because for the first time,

384
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:28,120
 I had something I didn't have.

385
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,080
 I had something inside, you know?

386
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,440
 Feeling a whole enlightenment, whatever you want to call it,

387
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:33,280
 you know?

388
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,200
 So the, that meeting is a specific group meeting,

389
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,680
 but I became a member of the specific group meeting,

390
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:39,960
 and did the whole thing.

391
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:40,800
 The specific group, you know,

392
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,040
 played baseball at the yard.

393
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,320
 Well, they still do that, playing CZR at home,

394
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:45,920
 and made softball and baseball.

395
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,680
 Blew up my knee playing, playing unbelievable volleyball,

396
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,920
 you know, softball, going camping, going to,

397
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,240
 I did stuff, you know?

398
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,840
 And I got a sponsor, and he said,

399
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:57,240
 you know, you gotta go to,

400
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:58,560
 he said, "Did you drink every day?"

401
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,000
 I said, "Yeah, I drank every day."

402
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,400
 He said, "You don't go to a meeting every day."

403
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,800
 90 meetings in 90 days.

404
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,920
 So I did the whole thing, going to meetings every day.

405
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,080
 And after 90 meetings, I kept going to meetings.

406
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:07,920
 That's okay.

407
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,600
 It's a place for a drunk like me,

408
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,240
 because like, you know, I need to be busy.

409
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,160
 I don't smoke cigarettes.

410
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:13,480
 I was out there picking up cigarette butts.

411
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,360
 I hated smokers, but I was out there picking up

412
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:16,840
 cigarette butts for making coffee.

413
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:18,480
 They had these big things like coffee, you know.

414
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:19,800
 At the time, I really didn't drink coffee.

415
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:20,640
 I hated coffee.

416
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,160
 You get that stuff in your fingers.

417
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,400
 I'd be making a coffee, cleaning up,

418
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,240
 cleaning up, you know, at the end of the meeting,

419
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,160
 and just mapping the floors, man.

420
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:29,120
 I love that, mom.

421
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,040
 I just, it was something to do.

422
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,400
 See, that was important.

423
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,760
 I helped put the meeting together.

424
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:35,360
 I helped be part of the meeting.

425
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,760
 I was, I was somebody, even though I was still living

426
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,680
 in that stupid basement of that building.

427
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,320
 And even though I wasn't making more than 20,000 a year,

428
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,240
 I was important.

429
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:44,080
 They needed me.

430
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:45,400
 They need me.

431
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:49,720
 They need my, me to be there, and I need to be there.

432
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:53,520
 I need to give and be part of, and not be outside,

433
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:54,960
 which is what I was doing before.

434
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,720
 I got to be inside, man.

435
00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:59,080
 I got to be in with the group and do the stuff,

436
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,440
 do the deal with them, you know?

437
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,200
 So that was my up and at floor, man.

438
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,280
 And then later on, have coffee.

439
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:05,120
 I think Rich is there,

440
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,040
 and some of the other people would go have coffee afterwards,

441
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,000
 and we'd go and think about whatever.

442
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,240
 We just were sober and having fun,

443
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,880
 and listening to music, going to ball games,

444
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,320
 and watching the fights, and then get chicken wings,

445
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,200
 and be with other members of AA.

446
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:19,360
 You know, I never did.

447
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:22,440
 I was out of it, you know?

448
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,000
 I remember the football game.

449
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,760
 I never knew what the end of the score was,

450
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,680
 'cause at that, what was the end of the score?

451
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,640
 The netting head, because I was out of it.

452
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:33,000
 I watched those fights, Tyson, how I roll,

453
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,280
 okay, Tyson, things that I painted, you know?

454
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,240
 And I lived my life, you know?

455
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,120
 I just lived my life as long as I worked the program,

456
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:44,120
 and the program was to lay down in the 12 step,

457
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,440
 and go through the inventory.

458
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,520
 There's some to believe in a power greater than myself,

459
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:49,360
 you know?

460
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:51,960
 Believe in that power, and try to keep that power alive,

461
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:56,960
 get involved, and start working up, you know,

462
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,000
 the amends, and all that stuff, you know?

463
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,680
 That's inside stuff, you know?

464
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,600
 Work out what is inside.

465
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,200
 That's driving me bonkers, or this, or that,

466
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,760
 and do that inventory, you know?

467
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,720
 There's a lot of good inventory,

468
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,520
 and do it all over the band.

469
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,480
 Fix the band, and keep the good.

470
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,040
 That's kind of what my sponsor had me do, you know?

471
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:16,600
 My sponsor used to drive me crazy.

472
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:17,440
 I used to say these things,

473
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,960
 I just drove an actual mess.

474
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,960
 He used to tell me that my character defects

475
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,240
 were my greatest assets.

476
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,400
 I'd say, "Oh my God, that's really gonna kill me."

477
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,120
 My character defects are my greatest assets, you know?

478
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:28,960
 Believe it or not,

479
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,720
 one of the greatest assets I've ever had.

480
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:32,640
 What I think is my strong point,

481
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,800
 and really my weak points, I'm blinded by them,

482
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,080
 but I think I'm the weak points,

483
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:39,160
 are really the things driving me to change, you know?

484
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,440
 They're saying there's something wrong,

485
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,800
 you gotta make a change in things.

486
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,800
 Change in attitude, change in what you're doing, you know?

487
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,080
 Things that make, you know?

488
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:51,240
 So, you know, eventually, I, that's my daughter,

489
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:52,880
 which is another part of the program, by the way,

490
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:53,960
 you know, my sponsor would say,

491
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,480
 "Man, you're so active in AA, you're like a radio actor.

492
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,560
 "You wanna be playing in AA?"

493
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,600
 I was like, "Oh, it's nice to meet you."

494
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,840
 But I never see you go out on a date, you know?

495
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,120
 So, he gave me a thing to say, you know?

496
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,400
 "Oh, you're famous and everything.

497
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:07,960
 "I want you to start dating, you know?"

498
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,240
 And I was thinking, "Who wants to be a model?

499
00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:10,080
 "I'm a freakin' loser.

500
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,520
 "I'm gonna take that truck for 250,000 miles.

501
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:13,520
 "It's a drywall truck.

502
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:14,640
 "Who wants to get in?

503
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,600
 "I gotta take all my tools out of things,

504
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,520
 "and pack the things so the woman can sit in.

505
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:21,240
 "Ain't no ladies coming around hanging out with drywall.

506
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:22,080
 "You see that?

507
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,920
 "I'm not a financial advisor like that."

508
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,200
 And so, I started doing that whole deal, you know?

509
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:29,520
 And then he said, you know, I was making maybe 18 to 20,

510
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:31,320
 "That's Steve Harris hanging out with drywall.

511
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:32,160
 "I gotta do something."

512
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,440
 He said, "All right."

513
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:34,760
 It was a shock, you know?

514
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:36,880
 And so, I came up with this thing.

515
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:38,480
 And so, you know, I told him.

516
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,560
 I said, "Hey, maybe I can go back to college, school,

517
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,840
 "or something, and get a degree in something like engineering."

518
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,400
 I said, "Hey, if I go to school by the time I graduate,

519
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,240
 "I'll be like 42, 43."

520
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:48,960
 And I think it was four years down the road.

521
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,960
 He goes, "Well, how long are you gonna be four years from now?"

522
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:51,800
 I said, "I'll be 42."

523
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:52,800
 "Well, you're gonna be 42 with me.

524
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,200
 "Go to school with yourself.

525
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,120
 "Just do the deal."

526
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:57,480
 You know, he told me to walk, walk the deal.

527
00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:58,320
 Don't be afraid.

528
00:18:58,320 --> 00:18:59,320
 Just walk the walk.

529
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,520
 He said, "Don't think expectations.

530
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:02,680
 "Just do the walk."

531
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:06,240
 Face the fear, go down, regardless of what the thing is.

532
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,080
 And that's what I did.

533
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:07,920
 I went to school.

534
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:08,760
 I went to college.

535
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,000
 I went to CSUN, and you know, it was really hard.

536
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:11,840
 It wasn't easy.

537
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:13,480
 I mean, I'm going against 18-year-olds.

538
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,480
 Like 40 years old, we were in calculus.

539
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:17,720
 Calculus, becoming an engineer when I worked calculus.

540
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:18,560
 Oh my God, you know?

541
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,440
 I can't even draw from my checklist.

542
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:21,280
 I'm gonna do calculus.

543
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,360
 Three levels of calculus for 18 years in science.

544
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,520
 I'm going against 18, 18-year-old boys, you know?

545
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:26,360
 So I did that.

546
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,680
 I would get up in the morning,

547
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,280
 for those who think they can't do it.

548
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,240
 I didn't wake up in the morning.

549
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:31,920
 I didn't get up at 5.30 itself.

550
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,960
 I'd make some big coffee, and just read.

551
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,320
 I'd study in the morning, go to the big library,

552
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:37,320
 see someone I love.

553
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:38,240
 I'd get there, you know?

554
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:40,280
 Spend many nights in those bathrooms, by the way.

555
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,120
 I'd be there.

556
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,000
 I would be studying.

557
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,960
 I'm studying, studying, studying,

558
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,160
 because I ain't got the natural talent.

559
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:47,000
 I'm out of touch.

560
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:47,840
 I don't have anything.

561
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:48,680
 I'm not that smart.

562
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,480
 But I had to walk the deal, and damn it.

563
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:51,560
 I was gonna walk the deal.

564
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:52,400
 I got nothing else.

565
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,600
 This is the only walk I had.

566
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:54,440
 I gotta walk it.

567
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:55,800
 That's my only time to walk the deal.

568
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:56,720
 So I graduated.

569
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,440
 I graduated with honors.

570
00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,800
 I graduated, and I got a job.

571
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:00,760
 I got my degrees up.

572
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,240
 I actually got two degrees, got a master's in engineering.

573
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,080
 I got a job.

574
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:04,920
 I couldn't believe it.

575
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,400
 First time I got hired, you know?

576
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,040
 Actually, they got me as an intern.

577
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,880
 I was like the oldest intern they ever had, you know?

578
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:10,920
 Intern with benefits.

579
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,200
 And here's the weird thing, you know?

580
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:14,640
 'Cause it was like a co-op,

581
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,000
 where I still go to school, and they pay me as well.

582
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,360
 On July 4th, I was on the beach,

583
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:20,600
 and I could not stop smiling.

584
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,440
 You know why?

585
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:22,760
 Because it's July 4th.

586
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:23,800
 I'm on the beach.

587
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:24,720
 I had the day off.

588
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:25,560
 It's a holiday.

589
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:26,400
 And I'm getting paid.

590
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:27,240
 What?

591
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,240
 I couldn't believe it.

592
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:30,880
 'Cause you're not gonna strive for your work,

593
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,400
 that you don't have a holiday.

594
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,720
 You're either work, or you have work and benefits.

595
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:36,560
 I couldn't believe it.

596
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,320
 I mean, medical, dental, and all the teeth.

597
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,080
 Oh, I can go to the dentist and things like that.

598
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:42,160
 Makes you a bad teeth.

599
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,200
 Finally get an actual checkup, a real checkup.

600
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:45,800
 You know, go over to the doctor.

601
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,320
 So yeah, I got a job.

602
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:50,080
 I believe in one more drywall, and all more Mr. Fox.

603
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,920
 I became an engineer working for an aerospace company,

604
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,920
 Northrop Grumman over in Glopin Hills, you know?

605
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,080
 The relationship thing, you know?

606
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:56,760
 Just kind of wasn't really working,

607
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,560
 so I just, you know, this is the last one,

608
00:20:58,560 --> 00:20:59,400
 and then that's it.

609
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:00,880
 It's funny how the last one worked out.

610
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,600
 I married the last one for when I said,

611
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,920
 this is it, I'm just gonna be celibate.

612
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,640
 And I met this gal,

613
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,600
 and I'm just thinking a million different about her.

614
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:09,840
 And it's kind of funny,

615
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,400
 because I was the last one for her teeth.

616
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,720
 She had given up on the whole thing, you know?

617
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,200
 So we're like the last of each other's kind, I guess.

618
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:16,600
 You know, the last of a dying breed.

619
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:21,360
 And so I kind of, so long, this is the life she's fit for.

620
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,920
 And I really believed in it.

621
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:24,760
 I believe she was like a one in a million.

622
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:25,760
 She's still a one in a million.

623
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,120
 And one in maybe a hundred million for me.

624
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,680
 And so I said, this is the one in a hundred million,

625
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:33,240
 then I just gotta go for that one in a million.

626
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:34,080
 And that's what I did.

627
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:34,920
 I did that whole deal.

628
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,160
 You know, my wife is from Thailand.

629
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,720
 Went over there, multiple times throughout the year,

630
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:39,560
 and the whole thing.

631
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,720
 And then got married over there.

632
00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:44,160
 Buddhist, married, Buddhist, right?

633
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:45,480
 I'm tough, I know it's good.

634
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,240
 My niece saw her from that Buddhist ceremony,

635
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,400
 and I've been married over there, and over here.

636
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,240
 And then I said, you know, we're talking,

637
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,000
 and I said, well, you know, I was wanting kids,

638
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,240
 but I don't think I can have kids, you know?

639
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,000
 And I'm like, that, that, and there.

640
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,880
 I said, well, that's okay, I'm still gonna love you anyway.

641
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:00,960
 And then about nine months later, I turned to my daughter.

642
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,240
 And about a year and a half later,

643
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,840
 I turned to my son, whose name is Ricky,

644
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,360
 but he's upstairs being a typical teenager.

645
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:07,640
 And then I suddenly have two kids.

646
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:09,520
 And then I go, I don't know how to be a father.

647
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:10,360
 I don't know what to do, you know?

648
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:12,800
 I wanted to be like my father, that's for sure.

649
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,400
 And I try to do the very best I could,

650
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:15,840
 trying not to do certain things,

651
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:18,320
 and trying to do what I believe is the best thing, you know?

652
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,120
 And the problem is helping in that thing during it,

653
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:22,160
 because there's guys who are with kids and things,

654
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,360
 and I just think I'm a teenager, right?

655
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:27,160
 And also, it helps me calm down and relax

656
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:28,880
 and find the thing I need to do,

657
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,200
 is where am I at in my family life?

658
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,560
 The ability to some kind of peace of mind

659
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,000
 and peace inside, you know?

660
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,880
 The whole grudges, you know, trying to work things out.

661
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,240
 You know, work the program in all of my affairs,

662
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:43,160
 not just in the meeting, but also at home, you know?

663
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:44,800
 And also at work, you know?

664
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,760
 Be a member amongst everybody else,

665
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:48,880
 not just at the meeting.

666
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:52,080
 And that's what I try to do as best as I can,

667
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,640
 you know, not every time.

668
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,400
 Don't think I'm the guru on that one there.

669
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:59,040
 But I just step back and I do that self-technical thing.

670
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,080
 No, this isn't the way it should be.

671
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:03,200
 I work in the process, you know?

672
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:04,800
 And about six years ago,

673
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,240
 I had an opportunity to come up to Oregon.

674
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,880
 I mean, offered a position up here, took this position,

675
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:10,720
 came up here.

676
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:11,560
 So now I'm living in Oregon,

677
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,240
 no longer living in the valley.

678
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,000
 I don't think there's a thing called living in the valley,

679
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,560
 but yeah, I've lived in the valley for a long time.

680
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:18,000
 So I live up here in Oregon, you know,

681
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:20,200
 and my typical day is, you know,

682
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,440
 I'm meeting in the morning for a meeting.

683
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:23,720
 I go Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays.

684
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:27,560
 I also have a men's stag, I go in person on Sunday night.

685
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:28,960
 It's a really good men's stag.

686
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,800
 We go a lot of guys in from the recovery halls

687
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:31,640
 and everything.

688
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:32,880
 It's always nice to get them in there.

689
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:34,280
 They come in shaking and things like that.

690
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:35,120
 And I love them.

691
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:35,960
 They come in shaking.

692
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:37,400
 Oh, I love them really, really good, you know?

693
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:38,440
 Because I know them.

694
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:40,200
 You see, they're my brothers, you know?

695
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:41,960
 I'm not scared of them.

696
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:42,800
 Some of these guys are big.

697
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:43,640
 They've been in good.

698
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,400
 They got freaking harmed about this building.

699
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:46,440
 I ain't scared of them, you know?

700
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:47,880
 I'm not, they got tattoos.

701
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,040
 I don't really care.

702
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:49,880
 They're my brothers.

703
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,800
 I know exactly where they're coming from, you know?

704
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,880
 They've come from the last, you know, whatever they did.

705
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,480
 I know what it's like to have something.

706
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:58,640
 Why don't you call it Spanish?

707
00:23:58,640 --> 00:23:59,480
 They come in.

708
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:00,480
 It's a bad word, but it's in Spanish,

709
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:01,480
 but it doesn't count in English.

710
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:02,320
 So they come in.

711
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,880
 They come in and try to get a date.

712
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:06,760
 I mean, I love them guys.

713
00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:08,440
 Those are my, those are people

714
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,280
 I really, really close to my heart, you know what I mean?

715
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:14,760
 So I do that meeting, and I occasionally call people,

716
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:16,040
 and I occasionally, you know,

717
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:17,800
 chat with other AA brothers.

718
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:21,000
 I have a chat one way that I do nowadays, mostly chat.

719
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,640
 But, you know, my life has changed, you know?

720
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:25,640
 And it's only through,

721
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,000
 it's only through the grace of God, my heart of God,

722
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,960
 when I call it God, when I call it where I call it,

723
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,160
 when you want to believe in God, that's right.

724
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:36,840
 It's my, it's my, it's my acceptance of the solution,

725
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,120
 just to walk the path, you know?

726
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:41,680
 It has allowed me to, to make it work,

727
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:43,400
 'cause I'm still the same crazy guy,

728
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:44,840
 but I'm making it work, you know what I mean?

729
00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:45,960
 There's guidelines now.

730
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,360
 You gotta follow your order, you know?

731
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,840
 It was a call, the steps, the 12 steps, you know?

732
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:51,600
 And no one would be on my high horse

733
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:53,400
 if I'm some big miracle guy.

734
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,840
 But I'm just stating that I truly believe

735
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:58,480
 that this is only possible through the big book,

736
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,880
 and the 12 and 12 are my favorite books.

737
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:02,040
 I've got the 12 and 12 over there,

738
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,120
 all highlighted, read it, and everything like that.

739
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:05,440
 There's always something new to people.

740
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:06,840
 I can read that 12 and 12,

741
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,760
 and it's something different than me about them.

742
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:10,600
 The words have a different meaning, you know?

743
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,200
 But, you know, so my life has changed,

744
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:14,040
 and I'm blessed.

745
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:15,360
 I think that's about it for my talk,

746
00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:16,680
 because I think I've run out of steam,

747
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:17,880
 so hopefully I haven't run over.

748
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:18,840
 Thanks for leaving me here.

749
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:22,160
 (indistinct chattering)