1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,420 for inviting me to come up and share. 2 00:00:02,420 --> 00:00:05,860 I know his commitment is over and he came tonight anyway. 3 00:00:05,860 --> 00:00:08,220 He probably does that for everybody, right? 4 00:00:08,220 --> 00:00:10,580 Yeah, he's one of those regulars. 5 00:00:10,580 --> 00:00:12,580 I appreciate the people in the room 6 00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:15,780 and hi to the Zoomers as well. 7 00:00:15,780 --> 00:00:19,200 And thank you, Jennifer, for accompanying me tonight. 8 00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:20,900 I appreciate that. 9 00:00:20,900 --> 00:00:22,360 It's been a long day for us. 10 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,660 We have our, I'm from the Santa Clarita area. 11 00:00:25,660 --> 00:00:29,580 And so we had our annual convention this weekend. 12 00:00:29,580 --> 00:00:33,060 And so we've been partying hard all weekend 13 00:00:33,060 --> 00:00:36,140 and it's been really good, but it's been a long day. 14 00:00:36,140 --> 00:00:40,700 And so I appreciate her coming and being here with me. 15 00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:43,260 And next week we're gonna go to Covina. 16 00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:46,220 So this is the thing about AA that I've found 17 00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:50,940 is that if my calendar's free, it belongs to AA. 18 00:00:50,940 --> 00:00:53,060 I learned that very early in sobriety 19 00:00:53,060 --> 00:00:56,140 by the examples that were in front of me, the old timers. 20 00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:59,220 They were in the meetings all the time. 21 00:00:59,220 --> 00:01:00,900 We didn't have Zoom then. 22 00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:03,140 Matter of fact, we had two meetings a day. 23 00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:07,460 We had maybe one at noon and maybe one at 8.30 at night. 24 00:01:07,460 --> 00:01:09,980 And when we were done with the 8.30 at night, 25 00:01:09,980 --> 00:01:11,740 it was an hour and a half meeting. 26 00:01:11,740 --> 00:01:14,620 We'd go to the coffee shop until one in the morning. 27 00:01:14,620 --> 00:01:17,960 You know, that's how we rolled in those days. 28 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:21,780 My sobriety date is September 23rd, 1977, 29 00:01:21,780 --> 00:01:23,740 which I'll be eternally grateful. 30 00:01:23,740 --> 00:01:27,220 And you know, the reason that I'm sober today 31 00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:30,420 is because, like Marianna said, and thank you, Marianna. 32 00:01:30,420 --> 00:01:31,980 I don't know if she's still there. 33 00:01:31,980 --> 00:01:33,420 Maybe she had those shifts. 34 00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:34,820 She's somewhere in there. 35 00:01:34,820 --> 00:01:37,480 She gave a great talk, you know, 36 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:42,220 about the passion that she has for this program. 37 00:01:42,220 --> 00:01:45,380 You know, and I think that's why I keep coming back 38 00:01:45,380 --> 00:01:47,720 because it never bores me. 39 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:49,580 I've never been to a bad meeting. 40 00:01:49,580 --> 00:01:50,960 You know, I've been to some meetings 41 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,540 where I got a lot out of it 42 00:01:53,540 --> 00:01:55,540 and I had that spiritual awakening. 43 00:01:55,540 --> 00:01:58,300 And I've had meetings where they're just maintenance meetings. 44 00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:01,500 You know, I'm there because I am treating my disease 45 00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:04,380 every day, you know, but they're all good meetings. 46 00:02:04,380 --> 00:02:07,060 And I still love Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, 47 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:10,980 like the first day I did when I came into my first meeting. 48 00:02:10,980 --> 00:02:14,940 My story is, first time I remember alcohol in my life, 49 00:02:14,940 --> 00:02:18,420 I was three years old when Dad was a United States Marine. 50 00:02:18,420 --> 00:02:20,980 And I remember his buddies would come over 51 00:02:20,980 --> 00:02:23,940 on Saturday nights and these guys had survived 52 00:02:23,940 --> 00:02:26,820 the Great Depression, World War II. 53 00:02:26,820 --> 00:02:28,340 They had been through it. 54 00:02:28,340 --> 00:02:31,260 You know, that great generation they called them, 55 00:02:31,260 --> 00:02:33,140 they had really been through it. 56 00:02:33,140 --> 00:02:35,260 And so they were just loving on each other 57 00:02:35,260 --> 00:02:37,460 and telling their war stories, you know, 58 00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:41,260 and having a can of beer, that social elixir. 59 00:02:41,260 --> 00:02:44,180 For them, it was just a social elixir. 60 00:02:44,180 --> 00:02:47,180 For me, it was an obsession at three years old 61 00:02:47,180 --> 00:02:48,940 'cause my dad would let me drink the foam 62 00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:50,820 off the can of beer, you know. 63 00:02:50,820 --> 00:02:53,860 And I would do anything I could to get in that room 64 00:02:53,860 --> 00:02:54,940 with those Marines. 65 00:02:54,940 --> 00:02:58,740 I would get in there, I would giggle, I would laugh. 66 00:02:58,740 --> 00:03:00,300 I would do anything they wanted. 67 00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:02,420 They'd blow me up in the air, you know. 68 00:03:02,420 --> 00:03:06,580 I'd do anything so I could get that foam on that can of beer. 69 00:03:06,580 --> 00:03:08,780 It was real cute until I was about five 70 00:03:08,780 --> 00:03:11,300 and then they had to pry my hand away, you know, 71 00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:13,140 'cause I was a little bit obnoxious 72 00:03:13,140 --> 00:03:14,820 'cause I was in that obsession. 73 00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:18,100 I loved everything about alcohol right from the start. 74 00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:21,460 I loved the feeling in that room especially. 75 00:03:21,460 --> 00:03:24,500 You know, that camaraderie, that excitement, 76 00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:29,500 that feeling that they were connected somehow, you know. 77 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:31,460 And I just loved it. 78 00:03:31,460 --> 00:03:33,500 I loved the taste of alcohol. 79 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:37,180 I loved everything about it right from the start. 80 00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:39,740 Time went on, we moved every two years. 81 00:03:39,740 --> 00:03:42,340 I went to 10 schools in 10 years. 82 00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:44,300 So I started gathering resentments, 83 00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:46,140 which is part of our disease, you know. 84 00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:50,300 We can't wrap our brains around reality of our situation. 85 00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:51,660 We want to change it. 86 00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:53,620 I don't care what kind of an alcoholic 87 00:03:53,620 --> 00:03:55,300 from any walk of life. 88 00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:58,700 You talk to people that, you know, are highly educated, 89 00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:00,780 some that have no education. 90 00:04:00,780 --> 00:04:02,420 We all have that in common 91 00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:05,900 that we're not comfortable in our own skin, you know, 92 00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:08,100 and we want to be someplace else. 93 00:04:08,100 --> 00:04:11,420 I think we're seeking, you know, from the very start. 94 00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:14,140 I know I was an alcoholic right from the very start. 95 00:04:14,140 --> 00:04:15,820 There's no doubt in my mind. 96 00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:18,460 I know some people drink pretty normally 97 00:04:18,460 --> 00:04:21,860 and eventually they cross over that invisible line. 98 00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:24,180 If I cross over an invisible line, I don't know. 99 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:27,220 I may have put it up my nose, you know. 100 00:04:27,220 --> 00:04:29,500 There was no visible line for me. 101 00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:32,300 You know, I've just always felt different, 102 00:04:32,300 --> 00:04:34,380 always felt a part of, you know, 103 00:04:34,380 --> 00:04:36,740 it was always that new kid on the block, you know, 104 00:04:36,740 --> 00:04:39,340 having to go up in the middle of the year 105 00:04:39,340 --> 00:04:41,740 and introduce myself to the class. 106 00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:44,260 And, you know, I'd go to these neighborhoods 107 00:04:44,260 --> 00:04:46,180 where there were kids there 108 00:04:46,180 --> 00:04:48,300 that they were raised in the same house. 109 00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:51,460 They had the same grandma on one side of town 110 00:04:51,460 --> 00:04:53,900 and the other grandma was on the other side of town 111 00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:56,500 and they had all their cousins and relatives 112 00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:57,660 and aunts and uncles. 113 00:04:57,660 --> 00:05:00,540 And all of mine were 3,000 miles away. 114 00:05:00,540 --> 00:05:02,580 You know, we were always transferred. 115 00:05:02,580 --> 00:05:05,300 I had a grandmother in Washington. 116 00:05:05,300 --> 00:05:07,060 I had one in Texas. 117 00:05:07,060 --> 00:05:10,460 And I saw them a few times in my life. 118 00:05:10,460 --> 00:05:13,260 And I knew that my cousins were there with my grandmas. 119 00:05:13,260 --> 00:05:15,180 And I had a resentment about that. 120 00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:18,620 And I had a loneliness deep inside, you know, 121 00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:21,620 that I think only an alcoholic can relate to. 122 00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:24,140 You know, much later on in my life, 123 00:05:24,140 --> 00:05:25,980 I married a man who was raised 124 00:05:25,980 --> 00:05:28,500 in a little village in New Mexico. 125 00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:30,660 And he told the story of being able 126 00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:32,700 to walk into anybody's house, you know, 127 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,420 and have breakfast, lunch, or dinner. 128 00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:38,140 You know, he was one of the kids in this little village. 129 00:05:38,140 --> 00:05:40,820 And he had the same grandma and grandpa. 130 00:05:40,820 --> 00:05:43,140 You know, he had everything right there 131 00:05:43,140 --> 00:05:45,100 his whole entire life. 132 00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:48,340 And he described the same inside feelings 133 00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:50,140 that I had, you know. 134 00:05:50,140 --> 00:05:53,900 So, you know, alcoholism was definitely there. 135 00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:55,740 And time went on. 136 00:05:55,740 --> 00:05:59,260 We ended up moving to sunny Southern California 137 00:05:59,260 --> 00:06:01,060 when I was 15 years old. 138 00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:02,140 And let me tell you, 139 00:06:02,140 --> 00:06:05,460 I thought I had died and gone to heaven. 140 00:06:05,460 --> 00:06:07,700 Everybody looked like a movie star. 141 00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:09,300 They had convertibles. 142 00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:12,140 They had their sunglasses and their tans. 143 00:06:12,140 --> 00:06:13,700 And they were just, you know, 144 00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:17,060 it was fabulous, the sun was out all the time. 145 00:06:17,060 --> 00:06:19,180 The palm trees were swaying. 146 00:06:19,180 --> 00:06:21,380 It was just like, wow. 147 00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:26,220 And, you know, I had lived in places like Bristol, Tennessee, 148 00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:29,300 New Orleans, Louisiana, Arlington, Virginia, 149 00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:31,020 Lubbock, Texas. 150 00:06:31,020 --> 00:06:34,300 And I lived there, you know, I was born in 1946. 151 00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:38,060 So I lived there in the '40s, '50s, and '60s. 152 00:06:38,060 --> 00:06:41,380 And let me tell you, in the South in those days, 153 00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:42,540 you saw some stuff. 154 00:06:42,540 --> 00:06:45,420 It was right in your face all the time. 155 00:06:45,420 --> 00:06:47,980 And being a little alcoholic on search, 156 00:06:47,980 --> 00:06:49,780 I couldn't wrap my brain around it. 157 00:06:49,780 --> 00:06:53,180 You know, why is it that some people are okay 158 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:54,500 and other people aren't? 159 00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:57,140 Why are some people rich and other people are poor? 160 00:06:57,140 --> 00:07:00,340 Why are some people sick and other people are healthy? 161 00:07:00,340 --> 00:07:02,380 I just couldn't understand why. 162 00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:06,340 And so, you know, I started seeking real early 163 00:07:06,340 --> 00:07:09,420 and I would have my parents drop me off at church 164 00:07:09,420 --> 00:07:10,780 because I was a seeker. 165 00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:13,180 And I believe that every alcoholic I've ever met 166 00:07:13,180 --> 00:07:14,140 is seeking. 167 00:07:14,140 --> 00:07:16,540 You know, even if you look at a bottle of alcohol, 168 00:07:16,540 --> 00:07:18,620 it says the word spirits on there. 169 00:07:18,620 --> 00:07:20,340 So I think that's what we're looking for, 170 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:21,340 you know, in the bottle. 171 00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:24,060 And we find it, we find it in the bottle. 172 00:07:24,060 --> 00:07:26,140 And so what ended up happening was 173 00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:29,020 I was sitting in those churches, they talk about God, 174 00:07:29,020 --> 00:07:31,180 but they talk about that punishing God. 175 00:07:31,180 --> 00:07:32,700 You know, if you don't do it right, 176 00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:34,460 you're going to hell, you know? 177 00:07:34,460 --> 00:07:38,100 And that just didn't seem right to me either. 178 00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:41,140 And so, you know, there I was, and like the book says, 179 00:07:41,140 --> 00:07:43,420 you know, I was so caught up in the ugliness 180 00:07:43,420 --> 00:07:44,660 of some of the trees. 181 00:07:44,660 --> 00:07:47,580 'Cause I started to see the hypocrisy with everybody. 182 00:07:47,580 --> 00:07:50,300 Like, you know, they say they're Christians 183 00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:53,420 and they love people, but they're not acting like that. 184 00:07:53,420 --> 00:07:55,500 You know, and they're not accepting me 185 00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,780 and they're not accepting my family. 186 00:07:57,780 --> 00:08:00,380 Now maybe they were, but that's how it felt. 187 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:03,460 Because see, the one thing about being an alcoholic 188 00:08:03,460 --> 00:08:05,380 is we have a perception problem. 189 00:08:05,380 --> 00:08:07,860 You know, we just think differently 190 00:08:07,860 --> 00:08:11,700 and we're paranoid, we feel less than, you know, 191 00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:12,980 we just don't fit. 192 00:08:12,980 --> 00:08:16,620 And so when I finally moved to sunny Southern California, 193 00:08:16,620 --> 00:08:18,900 I started going to Birmingham High School 194 00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:21,460 and I fell in with some crazy California kids 195 00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:23,220 who knew how to party. 196 00:08:23,220 --> 00:08:25,780 And they asked me to go to a place called Zuma Beach 197 00:08:25,780 --> 00:08:27,260 one Saturday night. 198 00:08:27,260 --> 00:08:30,500 And we crammed a bunch of kids in our old 60s Chevy 199 00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:34,700 and we pooled our resources, our little nickels and dimes. 200 00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:37,980 And we stopped and had some adult go in to get us 201 00:08:37,980 --> 00:08:40,620 a keg of beer and some ripple wine. 202 00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:43,420 Now I don't know, there's maybe one or two people in here 203 00:08:43,420 --> 00:08:45,180 that remember ripple wine. 204 00:08:45,180 --> 00:08:48,740 Whatever the equivalent is they've been drinking right now, 205 00:08:48,740 --> 00:08:52,140 it, believe me, the only thing that's changed is the label. 206 00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:55,460 You know, the disease is exactly the same. 207 00:08:55,460 --> 00:08:59,140 Whatever you're ingesting is the same as my ripple wine. 208 00:08:59,140 --> 00:09:01,540 It's funny because I spoke at a meeting last year 209 00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:04,540 at the rafters and this newcomer came up to me 210 00:09:04,540 --> 00:09:07,780 after the meeting, he said, "You share about ripple wine." 211 00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:10,340 He says, "I Googled it while you were talking." 212 00:09:10,340 --> 00:09:12,220 He says, "I hate to tell you, but," he says, 213 00:09:12,220 --> 00:09:15,140 "they stopped making it in 1982." 214 00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:15,980 (laughing) 215 00:09:15,980 --> 00:09:20,980 To a depressive, what, there's no ripple wine out there? 216 00:09:20,980 --> 00:09:25,820 And so, you know, that was the beginning for me 217 00:09:25,820 --> 00:09:27,740 of a really good time. 218 00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:30,740 You know, Mariana said it, it was fun. 219 00:09:30,740 --> 00:09:32,460 I can't stand up here and say that. 220 00:09:32,460 --> 00:09:34,100 I didn't have any fun drinking. 221 00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:35,300 It was a lot of fun. 222 00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:38,380 It was so much fun, it damn near killed me, you know? 223 00:09:38,380 --> 00:09:40,580 Because I was willing to go to any lengths 224 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:44,060 for that alcohol, for that vibe, you know? 225 00:09:44,060 --> 00:09:45,660 It's a progressive disease. 226 00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:47,740 It started stealing from me right away. 227 00:09:47,740 --> 00:09:49,700 I couldn't sit in those rooms anymore. 228 00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:51,860 In high school, I was coming out of my skin. 229 00:09:51,860 --> 00:09:54,420 I was obsessing about that ripple wine. 230 00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:56,660 And so I quit high school, you know? 231 00:09:56,660 --> 00:09:59,820 First thing I did is stole my high school education. 232 00:09:59,820 --> 00:10:01,660 My parents didn't know what to do with me. 233 00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:04,540 My dad put me in beauty school and paid for it. 234 00:10:04,540 --> 00:10:09,180 And I did go through beauty school and I did get my license. 235 00:10:09,180 --> 00:10:11,660 You know, I got the skateboard done the first time, 236 00:10:11,660 --> 00:10:14,620 got my license, and at 18, moved out, 237 00:10:14,620 --> 00:10:17,060 got my first apartment and I started working 238 00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:18,580 and I was doing pretty good. 239 00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:19,420 I really was. 240 00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:22,380 I had a job at a shop in North Hollywood 241 00:10:22,380 --> 00:10:24,140 and, you know, things were okay. 242 00:10:24,140 --> 00:10:25,340 I was making good money. 243 00:10:25,340 --> 00:10:28,060 I was able to afford an apartment and a car. 244 00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:30,980 Of course, these days, you know, my grandson's 26. 245 00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:33,660 He lives with me because he can't afford to move out. 246 00:10:33,660 --> 00:10:36,940 You know, times are different, very different. 247 00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:39,820 But, you know, what ended up happening 248 00:10:39,820 --> 00:10:42,940 is that I took my first geographic. 249 00:10:42,940 --> 00:10:44,580 You know, I had a friend who was working 250 00:10:44,580 --> 00:10:48,540 as a topless dancer up in a place called San Francisco. 251 00:10:48,540 --> 00:10:52,300 And San Francisco's in the 60s and for the young people, 252 00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:54,340 it's everything you've heard it was. 253 00:10:54,340 --> 00:10:56,860 It's everything we see on the Discovery Channel. 254 00:10:56,860 --> 00:10:59,660 It was sex, drugs, rock and roll. 255 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,780 And we, you know, were the generation 256 00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:04,260 that turned the world upside down. 257 00:11:04,260 --> 00:11:07,820 The great generation honestly didn't know what to do with us. 258 00:11:07,820 --> 00:11:09,900 And my disease took off. 259 00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:11,420 It's a progressive disease. 260 00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:12,940 I stopped working, of course. 261 00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:16,460 I started hanging out with the petty criminals 262 00:11:16,460 --> 00:11:20,500 and the hookers and the fences and all the exciting people, 263 00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,500 you know, down on North Beach. 264 00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:24,780 And, you know, they decided to train me, 265 00:11:24,780 --> 00:11:28,100 you know, in their trades and I wasn't good at it. 266 00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:29,900 You know, I was this innocent kid 267 00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:33,780 and I didn't realize until I did my inventory years later, 268 00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:37,140 you know, that hard as nails Marine that I resented so much, 269 00:11:37,140 --> 00:11:40,300 it was at the top of every resentment list I ever had, 270 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:43,060 had really protected me, you know, from life. 271 00:11:43,060 --> 00:11:47,460 And there I was in this group of people that, you know, 272 00:11:47,460 --> 00:11:50,660 were really good people to be honest with you, 273 00:11:50,660 --> 00:11:52,860 but their priorities were all screwed up. 274 00:11:52,860 --> 00:11:55,460 You know, they had, you know, a rap sheet 275 00:11:55,460 --> 00:11:58,620 as long as their arms and they took me out there 276 00:11:58,620 --> 00:12:00,980 and tried to train this little airhead, 277 00:12:00,980 --> 00:12:02,820 you know, 18 year old. 278 00:12:02,820 --> 00:12:06,380 And I started going to those jails and institutions 279 00:12:06,380 --> 00:12:08,380 as a result of my actions. 280 00:12:08,380 --> 00:12:10,900 You know, I was getting arrested left and right. 281 00:12:10,900 --> 00:12:14,340 I know what it's like to wake up in the drunk tank 282 00:12:14,340 --> 00:12:16,460 of the San Francisco City Jail. 283 00:12:16,460 --> 00:12:18,020 I knew what it's like to drink, 284 00:12:18,020 --> 00:12:20,980 to wake up in the Oakland City Jail, 285 00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:24,380 Santa Rita Rehabilitation Center for Women. 286 00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:27,700 I know what it's like to be strapped down in a psych unit, 287 00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:31,060 hallucinating and seeing people that aren't there. 288 00:12:31,060 --> 00:12:34,220 I know what it's like to, you know, 289 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:38,940 live one day at a time looking for that fix. 290 00:12:38,940 --> 00:12:43,100 My story is my alcoholism led me to drug addiction. 291 00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:46,860 I became a heroin addict out there, not prostitution. 292 00:12:46,860 --> 00:12:49,140 You know, anything that I had to do 293 00:12:49,140 --> 00:12:52,540 to get the money to get high and institutions. 294 00:12:52,540 --> 00:12:54,460 And that's when my disease took me. 295 00:12:54,460 --> 00:12:56,740 And I'd like to tell you I was 40 years old 296 00:12:56,740 --> 00:12:58,060 when these things were happening. 297 00:12:58,060 --> 00:12:59,660 I wasn't, I was 19. 298 00:12:59,660 --> 00:13:03,900 And so by the time I was 21, almost 22, 299 00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:05,420 my parents had to step in. 300 00:13:05,420 --> 00:13:07,580 I had had hepatitis four times, 301 00:13:07,580 --> 00:13:11,700 almost many near death experiences. 302 00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:13,420 I had a near death experience. 303 00:13:13,420 --> 00:13:18,260 And my sponsor explained to me that during my fourth step, 304 00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:21,460 that I had had a spiritual experience out there. 305 00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:22,580 And I said, what do you mean? 306 00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:25,340 And I had told her the story about this man 307 00:13:25,340 --> 00:13:27,540 that was trying to strangle me to death. 308 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,540 And my head shut off. 309 00:13:29,540 --> 00:13:31,100 And the only thing that I heard 310 00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,980 was the sound of my own voice. 311 00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,820 And it said, you better get the son of a bitch out of here 312 00:13:35,820 --> 00:13:37,100 or you're gonna die. 313 00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:39,500 And I got that super human power. 314 00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:41,020 That's why I say, you know, 315 00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:42,980 and I know that there are people in this room 316 00:13:42,980 --> 00:13:46,100 and on Zoom that have had those near death experiences, 317 00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,540 whether it's car accidents or, you know, 318 00:13:48,540 --> 00:13:51,300 some other kind of tragedy. 319 00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:53,860 You know, if there was no God there, 320 00:13:53,860 --> 00:13:55,620 we wouldn't be here, you know? 321 00:13:55,620 --> 00:13:59,180 So I believe that God was with me every step of the way. 322 00:13:59,180 --> 00:14:00,740 Otherwise I wouldn't be here. 323 00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:02,860 She said, you had a spiritual experience. 324 00:14:02,860 --> 00:14:06,180 She said, you know, in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, 325 00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:10,060 it says deep down within every man, woman and child 326 00:14:10,060 --> 00:14:12,060 is that basic concept of God. 327 00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:13,780 She said, that's where God is. 328 00:14:13,780 --> 00:14:15,940 That's where we teach you in the steps 329 00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:18,900 to seek God in that 11 step. 330 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,940 You know, through prayer and meditation, 331 00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:24,180 we sought God and his will for us. 332 00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:25,740 She said, you know, 333 00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:28,300 you said that you heard the sound of your own voice. 334 00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:29,380 And I said, yeah. 335 00:14:29,380 --> 00:14:33,020 And she said, that's because God is so close to you 336 00:14:33,020 --> 00:14:35,100 that you can't be separated 337 00:14:35,100 --> 00:14:37,140 unless you take that first drink, 338 00:14:37,140 --> 00:14:39,340 the biggest pill or anything mind altering. 339 00:14:39,340 --> 00:14:41,700 Other than that, you're that close to God. 340 00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:42,860 He's deep within you. 341 00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:44,460 And that didn't make sense to me 342 00:14:44,460 --> 00:14:46,740 for a lot of years in sobriety. 343 00:14:46,740 --> 00:14:48,380 You know, I thought that was one of those things 344 00:14:48,380 --> 00:14:51,020 that old timers told you, you know, I don't know, 345 00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:53,180 to make you feel better, you know, 346 00:14:53,180 --> 00:14:55,820 to walk you in or whatever, you know. 347 00:14:55,820 --> 00:14:58,420 But I have started to experience that. 348 00:14:58,420 --> 00:15:01,780 I started to experience that pretty early in sobriety 349 00:15:01,780 --> 00:15:05,260 because I saw things happening in my life that were good 350 00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:08,020 and I couldn't have done those things by myself. 351 00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:11,100 But before I could get to sobriety, 352 00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:13,340 I ended up in a program called Synonon, 353 00:15:13,340 --> 00:15:15,980 which was a program on the beach in Santa Monica 354 00:15:15,980 --> 00:15:18,260 started by a guy who got a resentment 355 00:15:18,260 --> 00:15:21,900 in Alcoholics Anonymous and started his own program. 356 00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:25,420 And he was a very charismatic cult leader. 357 00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:27,140 You know, that's what those guys are. 358 00:15:27,140 --> 00:15:28,660 He's very convincing. 359 00:15:28,660 --> 00:15:30,780 And he put a program together. 360 00:15:30,780 --> 00:15:34,100 It was a commune and we called it a social movement. 361 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:37,260 We did a lot of very innovative things in Synonon. 362 00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:39,260 We had our own language really. 363 00:15:39,260 --> 00:15:40,980 And a lot of good things did happen. 364 00:15:40,980 --> 00:15:44,060 We helped a lot of causes out there. 365 00:15:44,060 --> 00:15:47,060 The Black Panthers would come and get food from us, 366 00:15:47,060 --> 00:15:50,180 from our pantry situation. 367 00:15:50,180 --> 00:15:53,420 We had a lot of normies who would come 368 00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:54,900 to play the Synonon game, 369 00:15:54,900 --> 00:15:58,180 which was like confrontation therapy. 370 00:15:58,180 --> 00:16:02,100 And it was a very stimulating, interesting place, 371 00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:06,820 especially for a 22 year old who was, you know, 372 00:16:06,820 --> 00:16:08,620 lost in every single way. 373 00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:11,780 When I got there in my 20s, it was a fellowship, 374 00:16:11,780 --> 00:16:14,540 just like Alcoholics Anonymous in that way. 375 00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,420 It's like being in rehab. 376 00:16:16,420 --> 00:16:18,700 You know, you make those friends 377 00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:22,820 and you're shipwrecked in the same vessel together. 378 00:16:22,820 --> 00:16:24,900 And I think that's why a lot of people have problems 379 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:28,940 when they leave rehab because they feel that closeness. 380 00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:31,860 You know, you're all on an even plane. 381 00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:33,740 Well, the same thing is true here. 382 00:16:33,740 --> 00:16:37,740 We're all on an even plane right here in these rooms. 383 00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:40,340 And so my 20s were good. 384 00:16:40,340 --> 00:16:43,060 I was there for six years playing in sober. 385 00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:45,380 I learned to trade there that I still do today 386 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:47,580 at sales of a small business owner. 387 00:16:47,580 --> 00:16:50,580 And I learned that way back then, you know, 388 00:16:50,580 --> 00:16:53,260 I had my daughter, I got married. 389 00:16:53,260 --> 00:16:54,340 Things were good. 390 00:16:54,340 --> 00:16:56,660 I would go to bed at night and put my head on the pillow 391 00:16:56,660 --> 00:16:58,980 'cause I wasn't practicing my disease. 392 00:16:58,980 --> 00:17:00,940 No, it wasn't a spiritual program. 393 00:17:00,940 --> 00:17:03,300 It wasn't AA, but it was good 394 00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:05,460 because I wasn't practicing my disease. 395 00:17:05,460 --> 00:17:09,420 And I was in a fellowship of people, friends every day, 396 00:17:09,420 --> 00:17:11,380 every day in every way. 397 00:17:11,380 --> 00:17:14,300 And so when I was there six years, 398 00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:17,460 my ex-husband and I decided we could do it on our own. 399 00:17:17,460 --> 00:17:18,940 You know, we're doing so good. 400 00:17:18,940 --> 00:17:19,980 Let's go out there. 401 00:17:19,980 --> 00:17:23,180 And, you know, he immediately got into his disease. 402 00:17:23,180 --> 00:17:24,420 He was gone every night 403 00:17:24,420 --> 00:17:27,140 and here I am now at home with a three-year-old. 404 00:17:27,140 --> 00:17:29,420 You know, now I'm in a whole different category. 405 00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:31,660 I'm not free to go out there to those bars. 406 00:17:31,660 --> 00:17:33,460 Now I've got a responsibility. 407 00:17:33,460 --> 00:17:35,860 And that lasted for a little while. 408 00:17:35,860 --> 00:17:38,180 And then I took that first drink, you know. 409 00:17:38,180 --> 00:17:41,100 And once I took that first drink, you know, 410 00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:44,460 I still had that responsibility. 411 00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:48,260 But, you know, I made a decision and it went like this. 412 00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:50,020 I'm not gonna use drugs anymore 413 00:17:50,020 --> 00:17:51,660 because I've got this little girl. 414 00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:54,220 I can't go to jails and institutions anymore. 415 00:17:54,220 --> 00:17:55,860 I've gotta be responsible. 416 00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:57,660 So I'm just gonna drink alcohol. 417 00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,540 I mean, what could happen? 418 00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:02,620 You know, it's like, it's socially acceptable. 419 00:18:02,620 --> 00:18:04,020 It's legal. 420 00:18:04,020 --> 00:18:06,180 It's like a Slurpee for God's sakes. 421 00:18:06,180 --> 00:18:08,940 I mean, what could it possibly do to me? 422 00:18:08,940 --> 00:18:11,540 And I gotta tell you, that was a different stage 423 00:18:11,540 --> 00:18:12,700 of my alcoholism. 424 00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:15,140 For the next four years, me and that little girl, 425 00:18:15,140 --> 00:18:18,060 'cause the husband went this way after about six months, 426 00:18:18,060 --> 00:18:19,620 I dragged her through things 427 00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:21,700 that little girls should never see. 428 00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:26,460 And it took a long time and sobriety to get to the place 429 00:18:26,460 --> 00:18:28,900 where I started to realize, you know, 430 00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,500 when I take that first drink, 431 00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:33,340 alcohol takes me where it wants me to go. 432 00:18:33,340 --> 00:18:37,020 I'm truly powerless and my life becomes unmanageable. 433 00:18:37,020 --> 00:18:38,340 And that's what happened. 434 00:18:38,340 --> 00:18:41,100 And, you know, after four years, 435 00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:42,940 God stepped into my life again. 436 00:18:42,940 --> 00:18:46,300 Through a set of circumstances, I can only call God. 437 00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:48,620 God sent an ex-boyfriend. 438 00:18:48,620 --> 00:18:52,340 I was living up in San Jose at the terrible bottom 439 00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,940 with my little girl who is now five years old. 440 00:18:54,940 --> 00:18:57,860 And he offered me a job in LA. 441 00:18:57,860 --> 00:19:01,100 And so I moved down here and moved into an apartment 442 00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:03,780 in Van Nuys and began having an affair 443 00:19:03,780 --> 00:19:05,300 with the boss, of course. 444 00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:08,580 And, you know, I still couldn't function. 445 00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:11,540 I thought that geographic was gonna change everything. 446 00:19:11,540 --> 00:19:14,580 Sure, I'll work now and everything will be okay. 447 00:19:14,580 --> 00:19:15,420 I couldn't function. 448 00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:20,060 I was that alcoholic who, it took me all the way down. 449 00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:22,460 And, you know, we ended up in that apartment 450 00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:24,680 with an addiction notice on the door. 451 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,340 You know, I had an alcoholic car. 452 00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:28,300 You could, you know, 453 00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:31,140 you had to get in through the passenger window. 454 00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:34,620 You know, it was all, it was the true alcoholic car. 455 00:19:34,620 --> 00:19:37,980 And I'd have to put blankets on my legs 456 00:19:37,980 --> 00:19:40,700 and because the rain would come in out and, you know, 457 00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:44,460 and I got sober in 1977, the fall of 1977. 458 00:19:44,460 --> 00:19:46,880 It rained for three months, I think. 459 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:49,280 So I was always wet in that car. 460 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,620 You know, I had no skills left. 461 00:19:52,620 --> 00:19:54,860 I couldn't rub two nickels together. 462 00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:57,340 And, you know, I was scraped the bottom of my purse 463 00:19:57,340 --> 00:20:00,640 and go down to the 7-Eleven and get a can of raviolios 464 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,860 or a box of mac and cheese. 465 00:20:02,860 --> 00:20:05,180 And I remember in my inventory, 466 00:20:05,180 --> 00:20:07,440 I told my sponsor how guilty I felt 467 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,820 that I was giving her mac and cheese all the time. 468 00:20:09,820 --> 00:20:11,460 And she said, honey, she said, 469 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,300 they don't want anything but mac and cheese, you know. 470 00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,320 Kids want to eat mac and cheese. 471 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,020 And she did what sponsors do. 472 00:20:18,020 --> 00:20:21,440 She lifted some of that shame and remorse, you know, 473 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,640 that I had in my heart. 474 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:28,640 What ended up happening, thank God, in September of 1977, 475 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,860 the boyfriend said to me, Fran, 476 00:20:30,860 --> 00:20:34,740 it's not normal for someone to order four drinks at once. 477 00:20:34,740 --> 00:20:36,660 And I have to tell you, it wasn't normal for me 478 00:20:36,660 --> 00:20:38,860 'cause we were going to these big discotheques 479 00:20:38,860 --> 00:20:41,660 like the Tennessee Gin and Cotton Mill 480 00:20:41,660 --> 00:20:43,580 up on Ventura Boulevard, you know, 481 00:20:43,580 --> 00:20:47,380 with the big disco balls and Donna Summer and disco ducks. 482 00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:51,420 And, you know, it was a big place. 483 00:20:51,420 --> 00:20:53,340 And I was afraid the waitress 484 00:20:53,340 --> 00:20:55,180 wasn't gonna get back to me in time. 485 00:20:55,180 --> 00:20:57,580 So I'd say, I'll have four screwdrivers. 486 00:20:57,580 --> 00:21:00,540 And they'd all look at me like I was crazy, which I was, 487 00:21:00,540 --> 00:21:02,140 but I'd get my four screwdrivers. 488 00:21:02,140 --> 00:21:03,200 That's all I cared about. 489 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:04,980 And so he said, look, he said, 490 00:21:04,980 --> 00:21:09,060 I checked out an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for you. 491 00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:11,260 It's at a place called The Hole in the Sky. 492 00:21:11,260 --> 00:21:13,060 And I'd like you to check it out. 493 00:21:13,060 --> 00:21:16,120 You need to get some kind of change in your life. 494 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:17,140 This guy didn't drink 495 00:21:17,140 --> 00:21:19,020 'cause he was highly allergic to alcohol, 496 00:21:19,020 --> 00:21:21,660 but he smoked weed from the time he woke up in the morning 497 00:21:21,660 --> 00:21:23,380 to the time he went to bed at night. 498 00:21:23,380 --> 00:21:24,660 But he could function. 499 00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:25,700 He did just fine. 500 00:21:25,700 --> 00:21:28,280 He became a big philanthropist in Beverly Hills 501 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,780 and all kinds of stuff, never stopped smoking weed. 502 00:21:30,780 --> 00:21:32,660 And I guess that's the difference 503 00:21:32,660 --> 00:21:35,480 between the heavy drinker and the alcoholic, 504 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:36,620 you know, so to speak. 505 00:21:36,620 --> 00:21:39,220 But anyway, I took his suggestion 506 00:21:39,220 --> 00:21:42,660 because I thought the relationship was over if I didn't. 507 00:21:42,660 --> 00:21:44,960 That's the only reason I went to that meeting 508 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:48,740 on that Wednesday night in September of 1977. 509 00:21:48,740 --> 00:21:50,340 And I've walked up those stairs. 510 00:21:50,340 --> 00:21:53,420 It was on Sherman Way and Topanga at that time. 511 00:21:53,420 --> 00:21:55,500 And I walked in that room 512 00:21:55,500 --> 00:22:00,300 and I felt exactly what I felt when I came here tonight. 513 00:22:00,300 --> 00:22:04,440 People out there greeting you, making you feel welcome, 514 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:06,900 walking in, smelling the coffee. 515 00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:09,500 I hadn't had a cup of coffee in years. 516 00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:12,220 You know, hadn't even thought about a cup of coffee. 517 00:22:12,220 --> 00:22:14,900 You know, I felt in that meeting that night 518 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:17,200 the hope that we hope to transmit 519 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,140 to the newcomer who comes to us. 520 00:22:19,140 --> 00:22:21,140 You know, I wanna welcome our newcomer. 521 00:22:21,140 --> 00:22:23,100 You know, I'm glad that you're here. 522 00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:26,260 And, you know, what I got that night was hope. 523 00:22:26,260 --> 00:22:29,580 And I hope I can transmit hope to somebody else. 524 00:22:29,580 --> 00:22:33,240 That's been, you know, the path that God put me on. 525 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:36,940 And I would never, ever, like Mariama said, 526 00:22:36,940 --> 00:22:40,760 I would never have dreamed the life that I was given. 527 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:44,420 I think I'd stop at 25 after, right? 528 00:22:44,420 --> 00:22:45,540 So about a few minutes. 529 00:22:45,540 --> 00:22:49,020 Okay, so let me tell you about 48 years and seven minutes. 530 00:22:49,020 --> 00:22:52,960 Here's a couple of really important things 531 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:54,700 that happened to me in my first year. 532 00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:56,960 I met my husband, so I'm not the speaker 533 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,380 that can stand up here and discourage newcomers 534 00:22:59,380 --> 00:23:00,800 from getting together. 535 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,580 The lucky thing for me was he had 13 years 536 00:23:03,580 --> 00:23:04,940 of quality sobriety. 537 00:23:04,940 --> 00:23:09,000 He loved everything about Alcoholics Anonymous. 538 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:10,420 He was second generation. 539 00:23:10,420 --> 00:23:13,320 His dad had died with 11 years of sobriety. 540 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,780 And everything that he wanted to do was attached 541 00:23:15,780 --> 00:23:18,100 to an AA meeting or a convention. 542 00:23:18,100 --> 00:23:19,540 He rode a motorcycle. 543 00:23:19,540 --> 00:23:21,620 I'd get on the back of that motorcycle. 544 00:23:21,620 --> 00:23:25,780 I was 31 years old, pretty hot, at least in my own mind. 545 00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:29,700 And we would just go off into the sunset together 546 00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:33,540 with other AAs and go to Beaver Camp Vensions 547 00:23:33,540 --> 00:23:36,980 and go to New Mexico and see his family 548 00:23:36,980 --> 00:23:41,580 and just do a lot of really wonderful, exciting things. 549 00:23:41,580 --> 00:23:46,580 Life came back in a way that I had never experienced it. 550 00:23:46,580 --> 00:23:49,740 It was just a beautiful, beautiful thing. 551 00:23:50,620 --> 00:23:53,940 I met my home group, which is the Pacoima group. 552 00:23:53,940 --> 00:23:56,620 And I met the Pacoima group 553 00:23:56,620 --> 00:23:58,320 when I was about nine months sober. 554 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,340 It's still my home group today. 555 00:24:00,340 --> 00:24:01,900 We're a very diverse group. 556 00:24:01,900 --> 00:24:05,300 We're almost 71 years old. 557 00:24:05,300 --> 00:24:09,480 A lot of people there, we've lost them the last few years. 558 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,440 A lot of old timers passed away. 559 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,720 But we still have a very solid group of people. 560 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,440 And Sunday morning at 11 is our big meeting. 561 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,380 So I'd love to invite you guys 562 00:24:19,380 --> 00:24:22,100 if it doesn't conflict with your home group schedule. 563 00:24:22,100 --> 00:24:26,820 I met my sponsor when I was about, 564 00:24:26,820 --> 00:24:30,260 oh, I had had a sponsor when I was brand new, 565 00:24:30,260 --> 00:24:34,060 but she really didn't, taking people through the steps, 566 00:24:34,060 --> 00:24:36,220 it wasn't her long suit, I'll put it that way. 567 00:24:36,220 --> 00:24:38,780 She was a circuit speaker, beautiful lady. 568 00:24:38,780 --> 00:24:40,740 But when I went into my inventory 569 00:24:40,740 --> 00:24:43,100 and I told you a little bit about my story, 570 00:24:43,100 --> 00:24:44,620 it was a real nightmare story. 571 00:24:44,620 --> 00:24:46,340 There were a lot of things in that story 572 00:24:46,340 --> 00:24:47,720 that I was ashamed of, 573 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,060 that I was gonna go to my death with. 574 00:24:50,060 --> 00:24:53,380 I was never gonna reveal those things to anybody. 575 00:24:53,380 --> 00:24:58,140 And so she had her husband walking back and forth. 576 00:24:58,140 --> 00:25:00,440 He was the maintenance man in their apartment building. 577 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,420 So he kept coming back and forth to get different tools. 578 00:25:03,420 --> 00:25:06,020 And she had the TV on the entire time. 579 00:25:06,020 --> 00:25:08,620 So, you know, I didn't tell her much. 580 00:25:08,620 --> 00:25:10,660 It wasn't a safe environment for me. 581 00:25:10,660 --> 00:25:13,480 I couldn't tell her those deep dark secrets. 582 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,740 I was inhibited in that environment. 583 00:25:15,740 --> 00:25:18,900 And so I cut her loose. 584 00:25:18,900 --> 00:25:19,740 I loved her. 585 00:25:19,740 --> 00:25:23,480 She helped me a lot in my early days with my family. 586 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,340 But, you know, as far as going through the steps, 587 00:25:26,340 --> 00:25:28,580 I knew I had to go through those steps. 588 00:25:28,580 --> 00:25:31,420 And so in my second year of sobriety, 589 00:25:31,420 --> 00:25:34,580 I asked a lady from my home group and that was Rosalie, 590 00:25:34,580 --> 00:25:36,860 if she would listen to my sister. 591 00:25:36,860 --> 00:25:38,540 And so we made an appointment. 592 00:25:38,540 --> 00:25:39,360 She said, yes. 593 00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:40,960 She said, we're gonna make an appointment. 594 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,060 She said, I want you to have something to eat 595 00:25:43,060 --> 00:25:45,340 and gas in your car before you come 596 00:25:45,340 --> 00:25:47,960 and make sure that you're free for the entire day. 597 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:50,540 And she said, make sure that there's absolutely 598 00:25:50,540 --> 00:25:53,540 nothing else that you have on the agenda that day. 599 00:25:53,540 --> 00:25:54,900 This has to come first. 600 00:25:54,900 --> 00:25:56,920 This is a life and death errand. 601 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,260 If you don't do this fifth step, 602 00:25:59,260 --> 00:26:01,060 you can die with those secrets. 603 00:26:01,060 --> 00:26:03,980 You've got to tell one person everything. 604 00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:07,980 And so I went over there that day and, you know, 605 00:26:07,980 --> 00:26:10,880 my picture of her was that she had this big house 606 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:11,860 in Northridge. 607 00:26:11,860 --> 00:26:13,600 I always saw her with this man. 608 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:15,220 And I thought they were a couple 609 00:26:15,220 --> 00:26:16,220 and they were rich. 610 00:26:16,220 --> 00:26:18,840 And she said, here's my address. 611 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:23,840 I kept driving and it was the projects in Pacoima. 612 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:26,260 And I drove up and she opened the door 613 00:26:26,260 --> 00:26:29,040 and she lived there alone with her brother 614 00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,660 who had Down syndrome. 615 00:26:30,660 --> 00:26:32,980 She had had the house in Northridge, 616 00:26:32,980 --> 00:26:35,740 but she had to give it up because she had to qualify 617 00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:39,100 for the schooling that he needed every day. 618 00:26:39,100 --> 00:26:40,900 And she couldn't do it if she had money. 619 00:26:40,900 --> 00:26:43,580 And I remember asking her, you know, Rosalie, 620 00:26:43,580 --> 00:26:45,700 why don't you just put him on, 621 00:26:45,700 --> 00:26:47,900 there's places where you can send him, 622 00:26:47,900 --> 00:26:49,500 where they'll take care of him. 623 00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:51,780 You can go there and check on him all the time. 624 00:26:51,780 --> 00:26:53,180 And she said to me, no, 625 00:26:53,180 --> 00:26:55,340 that wouldn't be the right thing to do. 626 00:26:55,340 --> 00:26:58,240 I'm the one in the family who's available to do this. 627 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,100 And that's the right thing to do. 628 00:27:00,100 --> 00:27:02,980 She taught me about responsibility early on. 629 00:27:02,980 --> 00:27:06,340 You know, when Mariana was talking about helping, 630 00:27:06,340 --> 00:27:09,860 taking care of her dad, many years later, 631 00:27:09,860 --> 00:27:11,760 when I was sober quite a while, 632 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:15,840 my mother got Alzheimer's and I had to help my mother, 633 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:17,420 you know, and let me tell you, 634 00:27:17,420 --> 00:27:21,020 there were times when I would drive up there, 635 00:27:21,020 --> 00:27:23,700 park in the parking lot and I'd say to God, 636 00:27:23,700 --> 00:27:27,020 God, I just don't think I can do this another minute. 637 00:27:27,020 --> 00:27:28,580 It was taking a lot out of me. 638 00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:30,300 And at the same time that was going on, 639 00:27:30,300 --> 00:27:32,940 my husband that I told you about had been sick 640 00:27:32,940 --> 00:27:35,660 for about 30 years with one thing or another. 641 00:27:35,660 --> 00:27:37,820 Very mobile, we still went to meetings. 642 00:27:37,820 --> 00:27:40,480 He was super active, spoke all over the place, 643 00:27:41,380 --> 00:27:42,340 but he was sick. 644 00:27:42,340 --> 00:27:44,780 So our life was a lot of doctor's appointments. 645 00:27:44,780 --> 00:27:46,460 And so it was with my mother. 646 00:27:46,460 --> 00:27:49,240 So I had both of them at the same time 647 00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:53,020 and I was trained physically and mentally and emotionally. 648 00:27:53,020 --> 00:27:55,100 And I remember sitting in the parking lot and saying, 649 00:27:55,100 --> 00:27:57,180 God, I don't know if I can do this another minute. 650 00:27:57,180 --> 00:27:59,780 And the voice would say, you can do this. 651 00:27:59,780 --> 00:28:02,060 You can do more than you think you can do. 652 00:28:02,060 --> 00:28:03,860 Just put a smile on your face 653 00:28:03,860 --> 00:28:05,720 and go in there and be of service. 654 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:07,420 And that's what I did, you know, 655 00:28:07,420 --> 00:28:09,460 and that was for about six years. 656 00:28:09,460 --> 00:28:10,980 And I'm so grateful. 657 00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:12,620 I'm so grateful. 658 00:28:12,620 --> 00:28:14,900 I was able to do that for my mother. 659 00:28:14,900 --> 00:28:15,740 What an honor. 660 00:28:15,740 --> 00:28:19,160 What an honor it was for me to take care of my husband. 661 00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:23,340 You know, my husband had to stop working at 52 years of age. 662 00:28:23,340 --> 00:28:24,960 You know, when I met my husband, 663 00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:27,500 he worked in television for 30 years. 664 00:28:27,500 --> 00:28:28,580 He had three inmates. 665 00:28:28,580 --> 00:28:29,900 I have two in my living. 666 00:28:29,900 --> 00:28:31,500 He worked on General Hospital. 667 00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:33,540 He worked on Tom Jones show. 668 00:28:33,540 --> 00:28:35,700 He worked on all the big shows 669 00:28:35,700 --> 00:28:38,840 and he had a heart attack when he was 52. 670 00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:41,820 And so, you know, that career was over. 671 00:28:41,820 --> 00:28:43,420 And yet I have to tell you, 672 00:28:43,420 --> 00:28:48,420 for the next 25 years until he passed away six years ago, 673 00:28:48,420 --> 00:28:49,520 God took care of us. 674 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,060 Our lifestyle really didn't change much. 675 00:28:52,060 --> 00:28:54,700 He provided some way, somehow. 676 00:28:54,700 --> 00:28:56,340 And I've heard those stories, you know, 677 00:28:56,340 --> 00:28:59,440 in Alcoholics Anonymous so many times 678 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:04,040 where you think that, you know, God, you know, I'm screwed. 679 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:06,380 You know, there's, I don't have any money. 680 00:29:06,380 --> 00:29:09,080 I've been going bankrupt, whatever, you know, 681 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:10,840 you can walk through anything. 682 00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:14,540 Page 112 in the 12 and 12 talks about, you know, 683 00:29:14,540 --> 00:29:17,380 can you stay sober in spite of everything? 684 00:29:17,380 --> 00:29:20,660 You know, with bereavement and all of those things. 685 00:29:20,660 --> 00:29:25,400 And I think my story is that I have experienced many things 686 00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:27,620 in 48 years of sobriety. 687 00:29:27,620 --> 00:29:30,540 You know, I was 31 when I got here. 688 00:29:30,540 --> 00:29:32,380 I'll be 80 in April. 689 00:29:32,380 --> 00:29:33,340 And I have to tell you, 690 00:29:33,340 --> 00:29:36,360 not only have I had a fabulous life, 691 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,620 lots of excitement, lots of wonderful things. 692 00:29:39,620 --> 00:29:42,180 I've also had many challenges, you know, 693 00:29:42,180 --> 00:29:44,940 the challenge with my husband, the challenge with my mom. 694 00:29:44,940 --> 00:29:46,160 We did go bankrupt. 695 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:48,140 We lived in Vegas for five years. 696 00:29:48,140 --> 00:29:49,940 Vegas didn't make us go bankrupt. 697 00:29:49,940 --> 00:29:51,860 It was my bad judgment. 698 00:29:51,860 --> 00:29:55,620 We had three houses and we had two in California 699 00:29:55,620 --> 00:29:57,660 and the earthquake happened in '94. 700 00:29:57,660 --> 00:29:59,980 We had already bought the house in Vegas. 701 00:29:59,980 --> 00:30:03,120 And when we moved there, we had A1 credit 702 00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,260 and I didn't want to screw up my credit. 703 00:30:05,260 --> 00:30:09,340 So I kept borrowing from one credit line to pay another 704 00:30:09,340 --> 00:30:11,340 so that I could pay three mortgages. 705 00:30:11,340 --> 00:30:14,200 That's not really good financial sense, you know. 706 00:30:14,200 --> 00:30:15,860 We should have walked away from them. 707 00:30:15,860 --> 00:30:18,520 We came back to California and we went bankrupt. 708 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:21,520 And I remember walking in the bank report 709 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:24,620 and feeling lower than you know what. 710 00:30:24,620 --> 00:30:28,220 And I remember looking around at the other people there 711 00:30:28,220 --> 00:30:29,060 and I thought, you know, 712 00:30:29,060 --> 00:30:30,980 they're all here for the same reason. 713 00:30:30,980 --> 00:30:34,020 They made bad decisions or something happened. 714 00:30:34,020 --> 00:30:37,740 And I remember the clerk saying to us when we were done, 715 00:30:37,740 --> 00:30:41,500 she said, "Mr. and Mrs. Summers, good luck to you." 716 00:30:41,500 --> 00:30:43,340 And I thought, wow, you know, 717 00:30:43,340 --> 00:30:46,280 she just made me feel so much better. 718 00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:48,260 And from there, I had a few lessons 719 00:30:48,260 --> 00:30:49,860 to learn about finances. 720 00:30:49,860 --> 00:30:53,460 I went to DA, Debtors Anonymous, to get some tools. 721 00:30:53,460 --> 00:30:56,300 They said the first thing you do is cut up the credit cards. 722 00:30:56,300 --> 00:30:59,020 Like, oh God, you know, let it work, you know. 723 00:30:59,020 --> 00:31:00,180 And I learned to do that. 724 00:31:00,180 --> 00:31:03,660 I learned how to live within my needs. 725 00:31:03,660 --> 00:31:07,460 And I've always been taken care of, you know. 726 00:31:07,460 --> 00:31:09,940 When I came in, I told you I had a daughter 727 00:31:09,940 --> 00:31:12,400 when she was six when I got sober 728 00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:16,060 and she was bouncing off walls due to my alcoholism. 729 00:31:16,060 --> 00:31:17,780 And I had a lot of shame and remorse 730 00:31:17,780 --> 00:31:21,300 and things to make up with her. 731 00:31:21,300 --> 00:31:23,180 My husband had two kids. 732 00:31:23,180 --> 00:31:26,620 And when I did that night step with my sponsor, 733 00:31:26,620 --> 00:31:29,100 she said, listen, she said there were a few kids 734 00:31:29,100 --> 00:31:30,520 that you had in your inventory 735 00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:33,100 that were the result of other relationships. 736 00:31:33,100 --> 00:31:35,180 And you said you weren't that nice to them. 737 00:31:35,180 --> 00:31:36,300 I wasn't horrible. 738 00:31:36,300 --> 00:31:39,100 I wasn't mean to them, but I was aloof. 739 00:31:39,100 --> 00:31:40,460 I was unavailable. 740 00:31:40,460 --> 00:31:41,980 I wasn't present. 741 00:31:41,980 --> 00:31:43,380 And they were little kids. 742 00:31:43,380 --> 00:31:45,500 And so she said, you have an opportunity 743 00:31:45,500 --> 00:31:48,740 with your stepkids to make amends to those children. 744 00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:50,500 And so I began to do that. 745 00:31:50,500 --> 00:31:52,880 She said, you know, they didn't ask for you. 746 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:56,980 She said, you know, they have their mom and dad 747 00:31:56,980 --> 00:32:00,180 and you're just like somebody that appeared in their lives. 748 00:32:00,180 --> 00:32:02,660 And so she said, they don't owe you anything. 749 00:32:02,660 --> 00:32:04,940 She said, you owe them something. 750 00:32:04,940 --> 00:32:08,860 So she said, you be the one to be friends with those kids. 751 00:32:08,860 --> 00:32:11,900 And that's the way that I have always treated them. 752 00:32:11,900 --> 00:32:15,700 And today they're in their 50s and 60s and we're friends, 753 00:32:15,700 --> 00:32:18,900 you know, and there's no wreckage, none whatsoever. 754 00:32:18,900 --> 00:32:20,140 My daughter is different. 755 00:32:20,140 --> 00:32:22,220 She's always gonna be right at the top 756 00:32:22,220 --> 00:32:25,220 of that eight step list, always at the top. 757 00:32:25,220 --> 00:32:27,620 She's the one that went into the cave with me. 758 00:32:27,620 --> 00:32:30,020 And so, you know, there are challenges 759 00:32:30,020 --> 00:32:31,780 that we have in our relationship. 760 00:32:31,780 --> 00:32:35,360 I definitely see the result of my alcoholism 761 00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:39,100 and some of her attitudes and actions. 762 00:32:39,100 --> 00:32:41,420 And yet she's an amazing person. 763 00:32:41,420 --> 00:32:44,000 You know, she functions just great. 764 00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:48,540 She loves to smoke her weed and that's none of my business. 765 00:32:48,540 --> 00:32:50,380 You know, that is none of my business. 766 00:32:50,380 --> 00:32:53,340 I don't particularly like being with her when she's stoned 767 00:32:53,340 --> 00:32:54,900 because she's not there. 768 00:32:54,900 --> 00:32:56,420 You know, she thinks she's there. 769 00:32:56,420 --> 00:32:58,500 She thinks she's just fine. 770 00:32:58,500 --> 00:33:01,500 But you know, I kind of time it just right, you know, 771 00:33:01,500 --> 00:33:03,660 and I just act like her mom. 772 00:33:03,660 --> 00:33:06,740 And I'm so grateful, you know, for the last 48 years, 773 00:33:06,740 --> 00:33:09,260 she has always been able to count on me. 774 00:33:09,260 --> 00:33:12,660 You know, if you're new and you look ahead and you say, 775 00:33:12,660 --> 00:33:15,420 oh my God, you know, I'll never get there. 776 00:33:15,420 --> 00:33:17,300 My family will never come back. 777 00:33:17,300 --> 00:33:19,420 They won't ever trust me again. 778 00:33:19,420 --> 00:33:20,740 It's just not true. 779 00:33:20,740 --> 00:33:21,940 It's just not true. 780 00:33:21,940 --> 00:33:24,140 Some families don't come back, 781 00:33:24,140 --> 00:33:26,640 but you make a new family here, you know. 782 00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:29,700 And most families after a while, it takes, you know, 783 00:33:29,700 --> 00:33:32,340 that it says in the big book, you know, 20 years of drinking 784 00:33:32,340 --> 00:33:34,460 will make a skeptic out of anybody. 785 00:33:34,460 --> 00:33:35,340 Well, it's true. 786 00:33:35,340 --> 00:33:39,040 We got a lot to prove and we do it a day at a time 787 00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:40,540 and a vent at a time, 788 00:33:40,540 --> 00:33:43,240 but we can get those relationships in order. 789 00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:46,460 I am so grateful to this program. 790 00:33:46,460 --> 00:33:49,460 I think I have one, oh no, I have, yeah, one minute. 791 00:33:49,460 --> 00:33:51,140 I like the light system up here. 792 00:33:51,140 --> 00:33:54,140 I want to thank the quality of life. 793 00:33:54,140 --> 00:33:55,940 - Wow. - Thank you. 794 00:33:55,940 --> 00:33:58,900 I know that was missing in my pitch. 795 00:33:58,900 --> 00:34:01,260 I meant to do it earlier. 796 00:34:01,260 --> 00:34:03,260 I love the court tradition. 797 00:34:03,260 --> 00:34:06,380 We state that each group is autonomous. 798 00:34:06,380 --> 00:34:09,040 And as long as whatever you're doing 799 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:12,160 doesn't affect Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole, 800 00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:14,980 as long as you're not inviting somebody from the outside 801 00:34:14,980 --> 00:34:17,220 to ruin your meeting, you're good. 802 00:34:17,220 --> 00:34:22,220 So the qua thing with quality of life is just fine with me. 803 00:34:22,220 --> 00:34:25,180 Thanks so much for inviting us. 804 00:34:25,180 --> 00:34:26,420 I really appreciate it. 805 00:34:26,420 --> 00:34:27,360 I love you guys. 806 00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:28,380 Keep coming back. 807 00:34:28,380 --> 00:34:31,500 does work. Thank you.