1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 - Thanks Billy, and I'll call on Jay. 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:08,120 It's great to see you all tonight. 3 00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:11,280 I appreciate you asking me, Abraham, 4 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:14,460 to come and participate in my sobriety 5 00:00:14,460 --> 00:00:17,400 and be part of this group for a night. 6 00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:22,400 It's an honor for me to walk the path of AA 7 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:26,120 with other people in my community. 8 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:33,120 Is this an all-day meeting or an alcoholics, 9 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:34,280 alcoholics anonymous? 10 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:37,960 Okay, well, I qualify for that too, 11 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:42,800 but I also, I mean, I'm a cross addicted person. 12 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,240 I won't talk about those issues tonight 13 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,240 'cause this is an alcoholics anonymous meeting, 14 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:53,920 but I definitely qualify as somebody who is powerless 15 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:57,360 over the effect of alcohol on me physically 16 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,400 and especially spiritually. 17 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:03,240 So if you don't mind, I'm gonna just take a minute 18 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,880 and invite God into the room and the way that I do it. 19 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:10,320 And that's with by saying, I'm listening, 20 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:14,800 I'm listening to that still small voice so dear. 21 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,880 I'm listening, I'm listening to my heart 22 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,800 and my soul, my ear. 23 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,320 In this quiet time of prayer, 24 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,440 we have the opportunity to relax 25 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:26,100 and open up our hearts and our minds 26 00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:27,900 to a greater awareness of God. 27 00:01:27,900 --> 00:01:31,760 And as we pause and listen to the still small voice 28 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:35,900 of spirit within, we experience peace 29 00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:38,920 and the assurance that our lives are unfolding 30 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,200 in wonderful ways. 31 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,240 So with hearts and minds now attuned to God, 32 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:46,240 we join together in praying one with you dear God, 33 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:49,160 I am united with all creation. 34 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:51,480 In this sacred moment of prayer, 35 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,400 I open up my heart in faith to you 36 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,300 and to your infinite wisdom. 37 00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:59,520 When I think of peace, I feel your peaceful presence 38 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,800 within me and outside of me. 39 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:05,780 And once again, I thank you for your abundance of feeling 40 00:02:05,780 --> 00:02:08,280 and the silent unity of this group. 41 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:12,680 So I pray all the time, sometimes hourly, 42 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:15,440 definitely at least twice a day. 43 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:19,240 I hit my knees when I pray, not to get God's attention, 44 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:24,240 but to get my attention because I'm a kind of person 45 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:29,760 who drifts and I've always been a drifter in my imagination 46 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:32,960 and in my actions for the longest time. 47 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:36,600 I wander, I drift and I drift off. 48 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,360 Now, some of that is good. 49 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,880 Some of that's been to the good. 50 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,280 I have traveled in my heart. 51 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:48,220 I've traveled in encountering other human beings, 52 00:02:48,220 --> 00:02:52,440 but I was an addict and an alcoholic 53 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:57,080 long before I ever took a drink because I've come to learn 54 00:02:57,080 --> 00:03:01,560 in my 11 good years in this program, 55 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,800 I've come to learn that alcoholism is a state, 56 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:09,800 a spiritual state and a state of being that happens to you. 57 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:15,040 And the drinking is like, what do you call it, a symptom. 58 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:20,040 So my way of fixing myself from this drift 59 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:25,040 of spiritual emptiness and fear and confusion and anger, 60 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:28,200 my way of fixing myself was to take a drink. 61 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,060 But before I took a drink, 62 00:03:30,060 --> 00:03:35,060 I let my mind take me to strange places. 63 00:03:35,060 --> 00:03:38,720 And you know, and like, again, at first, 64 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:42,720 you know, there's a certain charm to our fantasy life. 65 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,520 You know, there can be something charming 66 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:49,980 about seeing the world in a kind of a strange way, 67 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:52,760 but do you guys know who the great Houdini was, right? 68 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:57,320 So when I was a kid in the early 1960s, 69 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:01,560 there was, you know, I started reading books 70 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,780 and it was this book on the life of the great Houdini. 71 00:04:04,780 --> 00:04:07,000 And you know, it was a paperback book. 72 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,640 It costs like 25 cents and I read it 73 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,240 and I read it with like wonder. 74 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,320 It wasn't just that he was a magician. 75 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,260 It was that he was an escape artist. 76 00:04:16,260 --> 00:04:17,800 And that fascinated me. 77 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,320 I thought, this is fascinating. 78 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,000 So I read the book and then I finished it 79 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,800 and then I read it all over again. 80 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,680 And I became obsessed with the great Houdini. 81 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,960 And then one Halloween, and I was reminded of this 82 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,480 'cause you know, we just had Halloween 83 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,680 and I was just taking my grandkids out 84 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:36,320 for, you know, to go trick or treating. 85 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,760 And they asked me like a little bit about, 86 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:40,520 you know, my older grandchild. 87 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:43,080 She asked me a little bit about what was, you know, 88 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:44,880 Halloween like for me when I was a kid. 89 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:45,880 And I didn't want to tell her 90 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,040 because this is what I remember most. 91 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,680 On a Halloween party, the first boy-girl party, 92 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,000 you know, this is like 1966, all right? 93 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,900 So I'm 11 years old, 11 years old. 94 00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:59,280 So this is like first boy-girl party. 95 00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:03,120 It was a Halloween party at Patty Powderly's house. 96 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:05,160 And I was in love with Patty Powderly. 97 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,280 She was my friend down the street. 98 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:11,640 She was my, she was the most beautiful, wonderful friend. 99 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:14,720 Her father was a cop, but he was a nice cop. 100 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,160 And they had like seven kids. 101 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:20,000 And I wanted to be in her family. 102 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,920 Her mother was super nice. 103 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,260 I loved Patty. 104 00:05:23,260 --> 00:05:25,780 Her brother Chris was my brother's best friend. 105 00:05:25,780 --> 00:05:27,080 We were always over there. 106 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,760 Anyway, Patty's having this Halloween party 107 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,200 and it was my first boy-girl party. 108 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,280 And I wanted to go as, well, 109 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:39,320 everybody was going as like a fireman, a cowboy. 110 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:42,640 All my friends were like dressed up like superheroes. 111 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,000 So I walked into the party. 112 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,280 I'd gotten a rope from our garage. 113 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:50,120 And I walked into the party and I announced, 114 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:54,280 I said, I just came in like a white shirt and black pants. 115 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,120 And I said, I walked in the party and I just said, 116 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,000 I held up the rope. 117 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,480 And I said, I am the great Houdini. 118 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,200 And I challenged anyone to tie me up 119 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,560 and I will escape at this party. 120 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:07,720 Do your worst. 121 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,200 And like everybody was like. 122 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,760 And my friends were like, they hogtied. 123 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,040 Hands in front, but I mean, they were like, 124 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,120 my friends were like boy scouts, right? 125 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,320 So they did like, they hogtied me. 126 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:22,920 I was, and then I spent the entire party on the floor, 127 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:27,000 thrashing, trying to get out of my bonds. 128 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,320 People were walking over me, stepping on my shoulder, 129 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:33,080 shrinking punch, dancing to the twist. 130 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:34,840 Everybody just was like walking over me 131 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:38,600 and I was sweating bullets trying to get out of this thing. 132 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,360 'Cause I had convinced myself 133 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:44,000 that because I read the book twice of the great Houdini, 134 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,880 that I would know how to get out of my books. 135 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,800 You see what I'm trying to say here about, 136 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,520 before I ever took a drink, 137 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:55,280 I had a natural tendency to get an obsession 138 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,560 and lock myself onto this obsession 139 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:02,840 and believe it to the extent that I would do something. 140 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:05,360 I mean, it was like at the end of the party, 141 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,720 like everybody left and I'm still in there and tied up. 142 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,720 Patty Powderly comes over and she go like, 143 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,000 do you want me to get my father? 144 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:12,840 I said, yes. 145 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,080 And Officer Powderly came downstairs 146 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:18,280 'cause they were just upstairs, Mr. and Mrs. Powderly. 147 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,320 Officer Powderly came downstairs 148 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:24,000 and he was like, oh Danny, Danny Stone, Danny Stone, 149 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,160 what are we gonna do with you? 150 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,400 Should I get scissors? 151 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,360 And like, you know, he was like such a, 152 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,000 like, yeah, he's like a good guy, you know? 153 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,680 And he was like, like the pity. 154 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:35,720 He was like, what, what, I mean, you're like a nice kid, 155 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,120 but Danny, what's wrong? 156 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:38,560 Hey, cut me loose. 157 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,200 Everything went back to normal. 158 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,960 Nothing was changed, but something had shifted. 159 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,480 Something had shifted inside me. 160 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,320 I brought it, what was in there. 161 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:49,360 I, you know, I don't have to, 162 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,640 I'm not gonna psychoanalyze myself here. 163 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,160 I don't know what made me that way. 164 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,840 Any more than I can tell you what made me become 165 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,080 a flipped out alcohol, 166 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:02,760 but this person has a tendency to obsess. 167 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,080 And that was the beginning for me 168 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:09,360 of starting to see myself, my interior world 169 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,600 in relation to the world outside 170 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:15,520 as something different that I needed to vent. 171 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,200 Then there were other experiences. 172 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:19,040 I'm gonna skip ahead. 173 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,440 I'm gonna go to the end of the story 174 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,200 because I just had an interesting experience today 175 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:25,080 before I came here. 176 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,480 It relates to my grandkids who I, 177 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,880 I look after my grandkids quite a bit 178 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:30,960 'cause I'm very lucky. 179 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,080 My, I mean, my kids are great parents. 180 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:36,760 My daughter's a fantastic parent and so is her husband, 181 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:38,120 but they work a lot. 182 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:41,080 They're, you know, they're very busy and they work a lot 183 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,320 and I'm lucky and honored enough that they know 184 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:48,080 that they want me to look after my grandkids. 185 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,960 And I, I mean, you know, but both my grandkids, 186 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:55,320 okay, so my granddaughter is, she's really sick. 187 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,760 She's got like some kind of a virus 188 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:02,760 and she's like back and forth going to diarrhea, 189 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,520 throwing up and everything like that. 190 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:08,320 She's, oh, shoot, we were playing and, you know, relaxing, 191 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,240 watching TV, playing a game. 192 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,520 My grandson, she's five. 193 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,600 My grandson's a year and eight months. 194 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:19,080 And so like my granddaughter starts to, 195 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,840 we're playing at the other end of the apartment. 196 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:26,280 My granddaughter goes, "Oh, oh, oh God, I have to throw up." 197 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:27,960 And she starts to run 198 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,160 and she doesn't make it to the bathroom. 199 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:35,040 So she starts hurling on the floor before the bathroom. 200 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:39,720 My grandson, her brother, not yet two, chasing after her. 201 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,500 A panic, I don't know what he thinks is gonna help 202 00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:44,980 or whatever, he starts chasing after her. 203 00:09:44,980 --> 00:09:48,480 She throws up copious amounts of puke on the floor. 204 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:52,480 He, she, and then she starts crying, puking, crying. 205 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:53,880 He's running to help. 206 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:55,880 He slips, he's barefoot. 207 00:09:55,880 --> 00:10:00,320 He falls and slips, ass over tea kettle, slam, down, 208 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,040 falls on his head, screaming, crying. 209 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:06,760 You know, he's like, he just, he slammed his head 210 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,560 in the, he's got puke all over him. 211 00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:13,160 The granddaughter's puking and crying from the puking. 212 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:15,460 And it's just me taking care of them. 213 00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:17,280 And you know what? 214 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:20,840 It was, I'm really skipping ahead to my recovery now 215 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:24,520 because I took care of, I took care of everything. 216 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,580 I, first of all, the first thing I did 217 00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:29,040 was get the little one. 218 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,000 I got him in my arm, in my right arm, 219 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,120 patting him on the back. 220 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:36,560 I helped Hazel, my granddaughter, to get to finish up 221 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,540 if she still had more puke to the bathroom. 222 00:10:38,540 --> 00:10:41,520 And I just took care of both of them one at a time 223 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,840 and cleaned up the puke, cleaned it off of her, 224 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,240 cleaned it off of him, cleaned it off of me. 225 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,360 And everybody stopped crying. 226 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:53,000 And it was very relaxing in the aftermath of this disaster. 227 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:57,720 And my sobriety, I could not have had that moment, 228 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,560 that intense peace. 229 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:03,240 I had this intense sense of well-being, Abraham, 230 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:09,880 from having just been sober to address this thing 231 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:13,640 because this was so important. 232 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:18,640 It was of monumentally trivial but important, 233 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:23,480 monumental importance that it just be taken care of 234 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:28,000 simply with regard to being of service to somebody, 235 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,920 somebody that I care enormously about 236 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:33,120 who can't really do anything for themselves. 237 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:33,960 I don't know. 238 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,060 I don't know what I'm saying here. 239 00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:38,020 And I know I'm jumping all over the place time-wise, 240 00:11:38,020 --> 00:11:42,180 but I think you guys, I think you're getting the point 241 00:11:42,180 --> 00:11:46,600 in terms of like my life, you know, I reflect a lot. 242 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,480 You know, I just turned 70 and I reflect a lot 243 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:55,480 on the back and forthness of time since I become sober 244 00:11:55,480 --> 00:12:00,880 and the difference in my being able to be present 245 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:05,880 and be a force for good, even if it's something small 246 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:11,100 or seemingly unimportant, I have a duty and a usefulness. 247 00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:14,560 And I don't know, I kind of went to the end of the story 248 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:18,200 for a second or third in it, but I just wanted to say that 249 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:22,640 because, you know, instead of, you know, I made a lot of, 250 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,180 I did a lot of boneheaded things. 251 00:12:25,180 --> 00:12:27,560 It took me 40 years to get 11. 252 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,080 You guys know what that means, right? 253 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,120 You know, I started going to meetings, you know, 254 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:33,840 when I was young and I went in and went out, 255 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,460 went in, went out, went in in front of my face, 256 00:12:36,460 --> 00:12:40,080 went out and got in trouble, came back in, messed up again. 257 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,760 So, you know, I really didn't come in both feet 258 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:44,200 till I was 59 years old. 259 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,840 I mean, I'm just being honest, you know, that's, you know, 260 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,320 some people might say to themselves, 261 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,840 oh, it's a little late in the day for you, Danny boy, 262 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,400 you know, and you know what? 263 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,400 And some guys did say that to me, you know, 264 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:57,280 and I don't think they meant it in a bad way, 265 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,520 but I think, you know, there were people who were saying 266 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:03,480 to me, you know, like, you know, when Iris was talking, 267 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,080 you know, and I was hearing, you know, 268 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:09,080 what I heard in your story was a real vulnerability, 269 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,680 but also real hope, you know, because, you know, 270 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,880 you got another job and you're, you know, you're back. 271 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,400 And I, you know, I salute you for being back. 272 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:20,520 And, and I really, I really got a lot out of your share. 273 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,360 And, you know, this Alcoholics Anonymous thing, 274 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:26,120 it's really been, it's been really fantastic for me, 275 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,680 just because of what I just told you guys, 276 00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,440 that it's, I've been really, really come to realize 277 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:36,440 that those, you know, big grandiose things that, you know, 278 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:40,580 were always eluding me, the brass ring, or, you know, 279 00:13:40,580 --> 00:13:42,880 being not, you know, that feeling that you, 280 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,720 I don't know if you guys relate to this, 281 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,180 but there's this feeling you get of not being enough. 282 00:13:47,180 --> 00:13:49,820 So it makes you be somebody who chases something 283 00:13:49,820 --> 00:13:53,320 all the time, or you're being chased, or you're being chased. 284 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,920 So that's, you know, I mean, you know, I can, I can, 285 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:59,920 I can tell you gory details, but really what it amounts to, 286 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:03,760 in a nutshell, is that I'm a person who acts like 287 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:07,640 he's chasing something or is being chased by something 288 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:11,920 when I'm high, and I was high almost all the time, 289 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:16,160 and, but, and, but, and, in recovery, 290 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:19,100 and I like to say recovery because it's active. 291 00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:23,740 I like recovery because it's kind of a verb for me, 292 00:14:23,740 --> 00:14:27,260 and I like verbs, I like solutions, I like actions, 293 00:14:27,260 --> 00:14:30,120 you know, 'cause if you lead me to my own devices, 294 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,280 I'll think myself into a corner, 295 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,440 and then act like a trapped animal and say it was your fault, 296 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,800 sound familiar, you know, I mean, 297 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:38,940 these are the kind of habits, 298 00:14:38,940 --> 00:14:41,000 and they're, and these are, they're habits, right? 299 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:45,760 I mean, these things that we do when we dream are habits, 300 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:50,040 and the things that I do when I don't dream 301 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:54,040 are habits that I call practices, practices. 302 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:57,040 I'm in rehearsal for being a human being again, 303 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,280 and I love rehearsing, I love practice. 304 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,920 I have all kinds of spiritual practices that I do. 305 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:06,200 I'm a practice person. 306 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,760 I'm a practice, I don't want to say fanatic 307 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,160 because that has a implication 308 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,000 of some of this obsessive stuff, 309 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,960 and I'm trying to relax about it, you know, 310 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,300 because I want to be trying to learn how to relax here, 311 00:15:17,300 --> 00:15:20,360 but I also, you know, I have a lot of energy, 312 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,800 and a lot of, you know, mental energy, 313 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,320 so I'm trying to use it in a way 314 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:29,120 that I don't turn it against myself or against you. 315 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:33,520 You know, so these practices that I do, I love to read, 316 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,560 I love to read spiritual stuff. 317 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,600 I love to talk spiritual shit with other people. 318 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,860 I love to rap with other alkies. 319 00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:46,040 I love the people that are in the program. 320 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,080 I think that Alcoholics Anonymous, 321 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:51,280 I think the whole world should be in Alcoholics Anonymous, 322 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,320 or some 12-step program. 323 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:57,120 I think that we learn how to be honorable 324 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,200 and listen and connect, 325 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,280 all those things that make you not sick. 326 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:04,240 So let's just talk about, I don't know, 327 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,440 how am I doing on time, anybody? 328 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,000 - 15 minutes. - 15, thank you. 329 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:12,320 So this is how bad it can get, and this is how the steps, 330 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:16,720 this is what, you know, this is my fun reading. 331 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,400 This is my idea of fun. 332 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,840 I love this, I really do love the 12 and 12. 333 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:22,040 I like the big book too. 334 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:25,400 Some great literature, great stories. 335 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:29,840 But the 12 and 12 gets me talking to myself 336 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,040 and talking to others. 337 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,560 I love sponsoring people, sponsoring people. 338 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:37,400 It's awesome, it's awesome, so helpful for me. 339 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:42,360 So it's the selfless act of selfishness. 340 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:48,520 I've just, there's so much release for me and surrender. 341 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:52,240 Surrender is my favorite word. 342 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,880 I surrender to win all the time. 343 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,240 I'm praying for me again, which is something, 344 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,400 and I'm not a big God guy. 345 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:05,360 I'm not a big God guy, so it might seem paradoxical 346 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:08,400 for me to talk about a God, to tell you so much 347 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,200 about praying and stuff like that. 348 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:14,520 But I'm almost, I almost qualify for the "We Agnostics" 349 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,000 section of the book, to be perfectly frank. 350 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:22,000 And yet, and yet, I pray like a person who it matters 351 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:29,120 that I pray, kind of like my survival depends on it. 352 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:31,600 So like I say, I hit the knee, I hit my knees, 353 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,960 not to get the Lord's attention, but to get my attention. 354 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:39,600 Because my attention, where I place my attention 355 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,520 is a matter of life and death for me. 356 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:44,760 I went to the doctor when I was in my 30s. 357 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,520 I had a hacking cough that I couldn't, 358 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,760 that just went on for like three months. 359 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,440 And I put out a cigarette, my cigarette, 360 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,600 and I went into the doctor's office. 361 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:58,600 And I said to him, you know, what's up, what is this here? 362 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,280 He listened to me, my chest. 363 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,760 He says, okay, breathe into this tube here. 364 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,200 I said, ah, that looks just like my bong. 365 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:11,040 And he said, that's not funny, right? 366 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:12,560 Dr. Rosamond, right? 367 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:13,400 Sky, right? 368 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,120 He said, that's not funny. 369 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,000 Breathe into it. 370 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:20,120 I was 35 at the time, 35 years old, 35! 371 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:23,960 Sky breathed into the thing that the object of the action 372 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:26,920 is you breathe into it and you try to get this ball 373 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,920 that's on the water, try to get it with your air. 374 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:31,200 You get it to come up. 375 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,280 And you know, somebody who has good lungs, 376 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,080 they can make the ball go like halfway, 377 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:39,960 three quarters of the way up into the bong like looking too. 378 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,600 And I'm doing my breathing and I go into my breathing. 379 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:46,280 The ball goes up like this and he looks at me. 380 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:47,360 He goes, try again. 381 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,680 Like, oh, I'm gonna take a breath. 382 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:53,520 And this time the ball went less far, less far than this. 383 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:55,160 Like it barely went out of the hole. 384 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:58,920 And Dr. Rosamond, he says, I'm gonna save your life. 385 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,040 He says, have you ever heard the word emphysema? 386 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,720 And I said, yeah, for other people. 387 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,560 He said, in three years, 388 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,280 you're not gonna be able to catch a breath. 389 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:08,600 I'll give you three years tops 390 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,240 if you keep going the way you're going. 391 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,400 If you quit smoking today, today! 392 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,040 And he said it to me like that. 393 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:16,280 I'm not exaggerating. 394 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:19,760 This guy was caring enough and no bullshit enough 395 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:24,200 to look me in the eye and say to me, if you quit today, 396 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:28,800 then maybe you won't come back here in three years 397 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,320 in the emergency room. 398 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,320 I said, is that gonna fix me? 399 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:33,480 Is that gonna fix me then? 400 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,320 Will I be better? 401 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,920 He said, you can't turn back the clock. 402 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,680 Those six words affected me so deeply. 403 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,240 And quitting smoking was the beginning for me 404 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,040 of mastering my other habits. 405 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,280 But it was the hardest thing in the world for me. 406 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,040 It was very confrontive. 407 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:55,960 I was like a white knuckle drunk 408 00:19:55,960 --> 00:20:00,960 without a program to live with, for my wife, 409 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:07,000 and not a pleasant person to work with, 410 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:12,000 and a fireable personality, an aggressive, confrontive, 411 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:19,960 know-it-all, authority, rebellious person. 412 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:24,520 And that was part of my withdrawal from nicotine. 413 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:28,360 I come from a long line of two-pack-a-day smokers. 414 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:31,800 My grandfather was a New York City cab driver 415 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:36,800 and a painter, he was an artist at night, 416 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,400 but he drove a cab six days a week. 417 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,200 And when he finally made enough money 418 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,240 and smoked two packs of Paul Malls, 419 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,420 and when he finally made enough money 420 00:20:45,420 --> 00:20:50,420 to buy his medallion in 1972, when he was 71 years old, 421 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,520 he bought his medallion, which means he owned his cab, 422 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,640 which means that he could work six days a week 423 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,160 and keep his money and not pay the man. 424 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:04,160 So Grandpa Ben worked six days a week, 14 hours a day, 425 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:07,200 raked in the money, which in those days was, 426 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,280 he must have made $500 a week 427 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,080 for the first time in his life. 428 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:12,840 And he was ecstatic. 429 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:17,800 And then he kept smoking and he had a massive coronary 430 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:21,620 in the men's room of a gas station on Sutphin Boulevard 431 00:21:21,620 --> 00:21:25,680 in Queens and died in a gas station men's room. 432 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,920 And this guy would have been, 433 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:31,280 he had the constitution otherwise of a horse. 434 00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:34,840 He would have probably lived to have been 90 or could have, 435 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,280 or maybe he just would have lived five more years 436 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,700 and been able to breathe. 437 00:21:38,700 --> 00:21:43,480 Anyway, this is all to say this stuff runs in families. 438 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:48,480 Nicotine is a habit too, and it's corrosive, 439 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,920 but Dr. Roseman set me straight. 440 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,200 I quit smoking. 441 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,760 I got over my, I white knuckled my way through 442 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,980 without a program, my recovery from cigarettes. 443 00:21:58,980 --> 00:22:00,240 And then I took up drinking. 444 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,140 So I don't have to tell you what happens. 445 00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:06,480 I mean, I don't have to tell you how far down we can go. 446 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,560 You've got your horror stories. 447 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:09,380 I have mine. 448 00:22:09,380 --> 00:22:14,380 What it amounts to and why I treasure the program so much, 449 00:22:14,380 --> 00:22:19,560 what it amounts to is a loss of, 450 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,520 what's the expression in the book? 451 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,360 When you lose your will to live. 452 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,920 It's a, help me out here, it's that phrase, 453 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:31,240 that famous phrase about demoralization. 454 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:35,940 You know that when you're thoroughly demoralized, 455 00:22:35,940 --> 00:22:38,480 emotionally distraught, okay, now I'm putting 456 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:41,360 in my own words, but again, you know what I'm talking about. 457 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,200 What's your name? 458 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:43,040 - Bruce. 459 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:43,860 - Bruce, thank you. 460 00:22:43,860 --> 00:22:47,880 Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. 461 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:50,040 Let's have a nice laugh. 462 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,060 I mean, 'cause all you can do is laugh about it, right? 463 00:22:53,060 --> 00:22:54,720 Really, I mean, let's laugh, 464 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:57,440 'cause we have a little distance from it, you know? 465 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,600 But it's not funny when it's going on. 466 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,280 And that's what brings us here. 467 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:07,120 And the surrender, the surrender that's required for me 468 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:08,920 is, was the key thing. 469 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,480 And the surrender, the praying that I do, 470 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:16,960 the meetings that I go to, the dudes that I sponsor, 471 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:21,760 helping to take care of my grandkids, 472 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:26,520 being a friendly and supportive presence for my wife, 473 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:28,520 being a good dude at work, 474 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:31,000 being somebody that can take orders, 475 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,920 or have on my own ideas, 476 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:35,600 depending on what's appropriate to the situation. 477 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,860 Hey, that's some grownup shit right there, right? 478 00:23:37,860 --> 00:23:39,720 That's not that baby shit that I do. 479 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,960 It's not that baby puke that I come up with 480 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,680 when I'm in my immaturity, when I'm in my cups. 481 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:46,680 I mean, let's face it. 482 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:48,080 Who wants to be with somebody? 483 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,740 Who wants to be around somebody that can't listen? 484 00:23:50,740 --> 00:23:54,840 I wanna be the guy that people enjoy. 485 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:56,360 I saw this wonderful thing. 486 00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:57,880 You guys like dogs, right? 487 00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:00,000 Right, I mean, you gotta love dogs. 488 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:03,120 And being an alcoholic, a dog is like, 489 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:05,200 wow, they're like the teacher, right? 490 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,600 I mean, the dog's like your teacher, 491 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,840 because let's face it, what do they know? 492 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:13,920 What don't they know that I couldn't learn from? 493 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:15,460 I mean, they're in the moment. 494 00:24:15,460 --> 00:24:17,520 They're attentive to your feelings, 495 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,480 but they're about their feelings too. 496 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,620 And anyway, so I was watching this thing, 497 00:24:21,620 --> 00:24:23,100 Inside the Mind of a Dog. 498 00:24:23,100 --> 00:24:25,240 It's like a special, so. 499 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:26,600 Wonderful, so great. 500 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,160 And this guy who's like the head vet, 501 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,760 the veterinarian, like a research scientist, 502 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,240 but he's not like an egghead kind of a guy. 503 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:37,280 He's like a really, he's like a really Hamish dude, 504 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:40,180 you know, but he loves, but he said, you know, 505 00:24:40,180 --> 00:24:42,560 remember, you guys remember Darwin saying 506 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,440 survival of the fittest? 507 00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:46,600 They're like, shit, fucking shit. 508 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:48,500 I hate that, survival of the fittest. 509 00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:51,960 That's what basically the dog scientist said. 510 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,700 He said, how about this? 511 00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:57,040 Dogs have survived because they learned 512 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:58,920 survival of the friendliness. 513 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,720 They literally, and it's literally biologically true 514 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:04,120 because the wolves and the bears 515 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,520 were the only ones of all of the animals 516 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,720 that survived the million years purging 517 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,600 and changing of the climate and environment. 518 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:17,000 The wolves survived and the wolves evolved into dogs 519 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,260 from being in a pack and then from wanting 520 00:25:19,260 --> 00:25:21,320 to get near the people. 521 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:25,440 So they lost, they lost their feral, 522 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:29,600 opportunistic aggression and they said, 523 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,740 let me survive by being friendly. 524 00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:37,680 I take this so much to heart and it helps me to, again, 525 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:42,320 to deal with my own animalistic, feral nature 526 00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,200 and realize how much more is in it for, 527 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:50,200 this in it, is in life for me when I'm a open hearted, 528 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,720 caring and unselfish dog of a person. 529 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:57,380 My life has expanded, grown, deepened 530 00:25:57,380 --> 00:26:02,160 as my heart has softened and all this is related to, 531 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:06,960 for me, stopping using alcohol and substances. 532 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:11,000 Physical sobriety, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, 533 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:15,320 the community, our relationship to a god of my understanding. 534 00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:17,760 That's the god of my understanding 535 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:21,160 and that god of my understanding could be this group. 536 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:24,040 For me to take this to heart, this is my work. 537 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:25,640 This is my life work. 538 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:29,400 I have other jobs that I do and sometimes I'm unemployed 539 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:31,600 but when I'm unemployed, this is my job. 540 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:34,240 I have a job right now, this is my other job. 541 00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:37,600 I love my work, I live for this work. 542 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:41,000 I do it 100 different ways and like I said earlier, 543 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:46,000 I practice 100 different ways of being spiritually engaged. 544 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:51,680 I make mistakes, I revert to my wolf. 545 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:56,680 There is a wolf inside me still as there is also a dog 546 00:26:56,960 --> 00:27:01,960 but as the Ojibwe Indian says, thank you, I see that. 547 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:07,320 The Ojibwe says, the Ojibwe grandfather 548 00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:12,320 is talking to the grandson and he says to the grandson, 549 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,600 he says, "There are two wolves in me, 550 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:19,600 "the wolf that wants to tear, fight, win everything 551 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:20,760 "and then there's the other wolf, 552 00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:23,000 "the wolf that wants to love and be friendly 553 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:24,160 "and be a part of you." 554 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:26,320 And they go to war with each other, grandson. 555 00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:29,680 And the grandson says, "Grandfather, which wolf will win?" 556 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,960 And the grandfather says, "The one I feed." 557 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:35,880 I learned to feed the friendly wolf in Alcoholics Anonymous. 558 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:39,540 I have learned it from day one when I walked into a meeting 559 00:27:39,540 --> 00:27:43,780 and another man extended his hand to me and said, 560 00:27:43,780 --> 00:27:46,820 "Sit next to me, you seem like you're new. 561 00:27:46,820 --> 00:27:50,240 "You also seem like you're in trouble, sit next to me." 562 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:52,920 That has been the way people have treated me 563 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:56,480 in Alcoholics Anonymous from day one 564 00:27:56,480 --> 00:28:00,060 and that's the way I treat other people too. 565 00:28:00,060 --> 00:28:03,840 And then I try to be that way out in the world 566 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,000 as much as I can. 567 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:10,000 It's really an honor to be one among you 568 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:14,360 and it's a pleasure for me to be here with you tonight. 569 00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:15,560 Thanks for letting me share. 570 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,080 - Yeah, thanks a lot. 571 00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:18,280 Really like that prayer.