And I'm a cheat and I'm a thief and those are some of my better qualities.
But, um, I, um, I really liked what you had to say.
I can relate to a lot of it.
I, um, grew up in Queens in New York and, um, I grew up in the projects and I was
very ashamed of where we lived and we were poor and I didn't want anybody to know
where we lived as well, but everyone around us lived in the project, so they
were all poor too, for the most part.
And, um, so, um, my parents were divorced, uh, I remember my dad coming around, but
they pretty much, my dad wasn't coming around after I was about two years old
and we would go see him on the weekends.
Um, we played poker in my house and when I grew up, my brothers taught me how to
play poker.
So we, you know, my brothers would steal my money if they lost to me, they would
steal my money or take it back somehow.
And, um, you know, we just, we just were survivors.
We were little hustlers from jump and, um, we would, you know, steal from the kids
in the neighborhood.
The Carvel man was my best friend.
That's the ice cream truck.
And, um, he was my best friend and I, he'd come by every day.
My brothers were supposed to watch me.
Um, that was their job to take care of me and they would put me in front of the TV.
I'd watch conjunction junction, um, you know, and, and I would, uh, just sit
there and watch TV all day until my mother finally came home from work.
My mom had it really tough.
She had four kids and, um, my dad wasn't around that often.
And when she asked him to come by, you know, he had a social club in the
neighborhood and he didn't come, he rarely come by and check on us.
I remember one time I was so angry at my dad that, um, he was supposed to pick me
up from school.
It must've been about five and he pulled up.
I saw him racing to get there, but I hid from him because he was late trying to
punish him.
I guess I was so upset that he didn't show up and made me wait for so long.
So, um, you know, I grew up in this bad neighborhood.
I had, everything was about family.
I was told that, you know, family comes first, you know, you don't tell your
business to strangers, tell it to the family, bring your business home.
Don't, you know, share it on the streets and, um, you know, never make yourself
vulnerable to people.
And that wasn't, that was part of what my parents, my parents were hustlers.
I don't know why they didn't stay together.
They were two peas in a pod, but they, you know, they just didn't, my dad wanted
to live a certain lifestyle that my mom wasn't privy to as a woman.
And, um, so, you know, I lived in this neighborhood.
My mom got married a second time and she tried to get us out of the projects.
She did.
We were out of there for a year and then we, um, ended up moving back there.
So sugar was my, I couldn't see myself going to cop any blow or, you know,
getting anything to drink.
So sugar was my deal at first.
And, um, I still battle with that with sugar.
Um, so my, my, um, mom got us out of this neighborhood.
Then she got divorced and we ended up back in the neighborhood again.
And, um, we lived with my grandmother for a year until my mom got us, moved us up.
We thought we were moving on up.
We were like in section eight apartment buildings.
So we thought we were really moving up by the head of pool, you know, and they had
courts and all kinds of stuff for us to play with.
And it was, it was like awesome.
We moved to this new neighborhood and the kids that were like, you know, from
the projects moved there.
And, um, so we, um, we moved to this new neighborhood.
My, my brothers were there and they, my mom worked all the time.
She tried to take me to work with her, but she couldn't, you know, and so I'd
be stuck with my two grandmothers.
I don't come from basically an alcoholic home.
I basically come from a compulsive gambling home and compulsive eaters.
I, um, even though my dad did used to make wine, so then maybe there was some,
uh, he'd make vino a bottle of vino.
And, um, so, um, but we, um, I spent a lot of times with my cousins and my
grandmas, they would watch me and my grandma would take me to this lady's
house while she played poker and we'd walk in the bad neighborhood and I'd go
sit there and she'd smoke a palm oil with like an ash this long and play every
hand of poker that there was to play.
And you can't really win that way.
But, um, so she, um, you know, she took me there and then my other grandmother
would be their sisters all the time.
At first we'd go to church and then after church, we'd go to, um, OTB, which
is off-track betting and they, they bet on the, on the ponies, just craziness,
grew up a lot of craziness and my cousins were with us, so I spent a lot of
time with them and, um, you know, I had, I have like 40 first cousins on my
father's side, so there was a lot of us.
And, you know, on, um, on Sundays with, um, I'm Jewish and I'm Italian and on
Sundays with macaroni at two o'clock at my grandma's house and my mother's family
talked about my father and my father's family talked about my mother and they
didn't talk about them nicely.
And it hurt me every time they did it.
Essentially what they're doing is talking about me, a part of me that's no good.
And, um, so, you know, I go to my grandmother's house, my Jewish grandma,
who I'd stay with during the week for a majority of my time.
And she'd say, my father's a no good guinea bastard.
And, um, you know, it's a derogatory term.
And then I go to my, my mother's house, my grandmother's house, my father's
mother, and they would say that, um, my mom's a masa grist, which is a Christ killer.
And, um, you know, it was just terrible, you know, really bad to do it to a kid.
And, um, but, um, you know, she, my mother wasn't allowed to come in my grandma's
house is how I grew up.
And it was, you know, everyone was leaving my brothers and I to go home.
They'd all say, say hi to your mom for us.
We all tell her we love her, but it was in secret.
They couldn't let any, my grandmother know, my uncles know
that they really loved my mom.
And, um, my grandfather would take us home every weekend and he'd take us by the ice
cream shop on his way home on Sunday night and, um, you know, she'd bring us
home and he'd come up and he'd make sure that my mom was okay.
You know, he was such a good man, my grandfather, and he'd say, let it go, let
it go, literally know that I'd go to a program years later that would say, let it
go, let it go.
And, um, so he would come up and make sure my mother had some money and that she was
okay, you know, because my dad didn't.
And, um, so, you know, I grew up in this neighborhood and it was a not a good
neighborhood and then I lived with my father on the weekends and I would live
with him during the year sometimes.
And, um, he lived in Howard beach and it was predominantly Italian and, um, it was
Guy town.
And, um, so, you know, I, um, hung out with a lot of kids at the park and my
father used to say, don't let me catch you hanging out at that park.
Cause if you do, you're going to be in a lot of trouble and they would all smoke
reefer every day, we'd smoke reefer, go to the park, cut school, smoke pot.
And, um, my dad, um, one time sent my brothers over there to get me and we
were, we tried to smoke as much pot as we could so that, and keep the windows open.
So then when we opened it up, you know, the car would explode and, um, and it did
the car would explode and rolled down the windows and out there was standing my
brothers.
And they said, what do you think you're doing out here?
You know, my father said, don't let him catch you hanging out with those spot
cones for kids that have, you know, we're all tough and smoke pot.
And it was crazy.
So I was, I was pretty much a bad kid upon arrival.
I don't know why.
I don't know.
You know, I just was just a little hustler.
I would steal money as much as I could.
Um, cause they didn't have any and they wanted it and, um, I'd steal from stores
and, you know, thank God after all these years, I never, I mean, you know, I don't
steal anymore, but then I never got caught because I would have been in a lot of
trouble, the amount of stealing that I did.
So, um, I, um, started smoking pots at first.
Actually I started taking speed because my mom, I always bothered my mom because I
was overweight and I wanted her to put me on a diet.
So she sent me to a diet doctor and they would give me shot and black beauties to,
um, you know, 13 years old, which was terrible, but it made me lose weight, you
know, and, um, I don't even know if they exist anymore.
I think they were in Dora or something like that now.
But, um, so I started, you know, doing speed, doing Coke.
Um, my, um, my brothers caught me hanging out there.
I got in a lot of trouble for my father.
My father never hit me.
My mother pulled my hair a lot.
Um, cause I was a bad kid.
I just wasn't a bad kid.
I had a big mouth and, um, but I was taught what was from right and what was wrong.
My parents instilled in me some, some really good ideals and some good principles.
So I knew what was right and what was wrong.
And, um, I'd steal from my grandma, you know, when I started getting high.
And, um, you know, I just, I was just a street kid.
I was just a street kid.
And I, um, you know, I was ashamed of my behavior.
I started smoking cigarettes at like 12 years old and, um, I'd steal from my grandma.
They were horrible.
So then, but back then they'd let you buy cigarettes at a young age.
And so, you know, I, um, I don't know why, but I grew up when I didn't have any self
esteem.
I never thought I was enough and, um, I never thought I'd amount to much.
And I don't think my parents said, this is our last child.
We're going to really screw this one up.
I don't know if I'm a product of my environment, whether it's, you know,
genetic or whether it's, uh, I was born that way.
I have no idea.
I just know that I have a disease that's out to kill me.
And, um, I started doing, um, started drinking probably about 15.
I didn't know it was a blackout.
It was called a blackout until I got sober as well.
But I started blacking out and I puked from the beginning.
And, um, it was a definite puke.
If you drank and you smoked weed, that was a definite no-no.
And, um, so I started doing that a lot and I started, you know, we moved out
here and my brother got a TV show and my mother sent us out one by one.
And, um, so we lived with our aunt until my mom finally got here and she
moved us into an apartment.
My aunt lived in an apartment that, um, was, you know, a lot of kids and it
was really crazy and my aunt was crazy.
And my mom moved her whole family out here.
My grandma, my aunt lived across the street.
My uncle lived across the street.
My other aunt lived in my apartment building and, um, you know, just shame.
A lot of shame in my life growing up with a lot of shame.
My aunt was bipolar and she stopped taking her medicine to get high and
she would, um, come out on the parking lot.
She'd come out on the balcony and sing at five o'clock in the morning.
And, um, you know, my grandmother, you know, it was just, it was horrible.
It was embarrassing.
And, um, she told me Sinatra was in her room.
That was her boyfriend.
And, um, just craziness, just craziness.
A lot of drama, a lot of drama.
And, you know, my parents were at the club.
My, my, my mom got married again for the third time and, um, he came
with three kids and my father got married again and he had three more kids.
So I have three whole brothers, three half and two step.
So there was a lot of us and we had a good time together.
We really did.
We, we'd have singing contests and, you know, dancing contests.
And my brothers were bullies and always try and, you know, push us
around and tell us what to do.
And, um, you know, we just, but we had a great time.
We had a lot of fun times together and my brothers wouldn't let me, I would
steal their pot cause they were selling pot by this time and finally I got caught.
So I had to return my brother's pot and, um, he was very angry at me.
You know, he's like, you're not going to do this.
People would knock on his window at like two o'clock in
the morning to buy pot from him.
You know, we lived on a block that was like known for selling dogs.
It was crazy.
My poor mom, she'd sit us down and say, okay, everyone open up their wallets.
Who stole my money today?
Get handed over.
You know, poor woman had like tough kids.
She had it really, really hard and she didn't want to open up the door
because she didn't know who her kids were fighting with that day.
And, um, so started drinking.
My big thing was being, going to nightclubs.
I barely went to school.
When I went to high school, I signed my mom's name so that I
could check myself out of school.
And no one really, I just, I was stricken.
I took care of myself and, um, my brother and I moved into my two brothers.
We moved into, um, the apartment by ourselves.
My mother was in Las Vegas at the time.
And, um, we moved into this apartment building, this apartment
by ourselves, young kids, just crazy.
And, um, so I love my mother.
My mother's gone, but I stole over to this day and I wouldn't trade my life
for anything because my life and my history made me who I am today.
And, um, and I'm okay with it.
I've made peace with, with all of it.
And, uh, so I started drinking and my big thing was to be hip-slick and
cool and hang out with the pool kids.
So they were going to nightclubs.
And so that's what I did.
It was really important to be backstage and be with the who's who and the what's
what's and, you know, I lived in this apartment again, we didn't, we didn't
have a lot of cash, but I made friends with all these rich girls and I was,
couldn't believe how many, the houses they lived in, up in the
pagetas and the Shemitahs.
And I was like, wow, these kids have a lot of money.
They had all the clothes and all the stuff and they let me borrow it.
So I was, I was set and, um, or I would steal clothes.
And so I, um, started doing, uh, alcohol was starting to drink every day.
I would cut school and I would drink.
And, um, I, um, uh, I still was taking speed and I would drink and, uh, I knew
I had a problem with drugs, but, um, I didn't think I had a problem with alcohol.
I just, I really didn't.
I was in total denial.
Uh, you know, I'd go to concerts.
I remember I was walking one time and there was a bunch of Motley crew and I
was backstage and one of my heels broke and I had like, you know, those big
cockroach killer killers with the high stiletto and I'm walking on this shoe
that's broken and I'm thinking everyone's looking at me and I think I'm all that
because everyone's looking at me and I didn't realize that my shoe was broken.
I was dragging it, like barely able to walk.
People were making fun of me.
They were, you know, looking at me and, uh, it seems like, you know, I ended up, I
ended up, um, having, um, driving through someone's house one time when I was drunk,
I drove up their lawn and crashed my car into a tree and then drove into their
kitchen and, um, it was really horrible.
It was just awful.
I didn't think I was an alcoholic, but when I was sober after six months, I
remember that incident and I knew that I was an alcoholic.
People don't drive into people's houses drunk.
They just don't.
And, um, so I continue to drink and go to parties, go to clubs.
And, uh, we, um, you know, my, I had hang out with different crowds of kids.
I hung out with the Socs, the Socs who are the popular girls.
And then I hung out with the Stoners.
I was just friends with everybody because I was a people pleaser and I needed
everything to be liked by everybody.
And, um, I needed to like my people pleasing started when I went to my Italian
grandma's house and my stepfather put a Jewish star on me and my father made me
take it off and whoever would give me money, I would, I would, you know, people
please, I do what they asked me to do.
And my dad gave me money.
So I took off to the Jewish star and, but my dad insisted that I have a communion
and a confirmation and I did do that.
And, um, you know, so I was very confused.
There was no stability and we needed my father growing up and we had the
opportunity to live with him, but he was too strict for us.
You know, he had structure.
We ate dinner at six o'clock on the dot.
The dishes were done, you know, the homework was done.
And, um, uh, you know, my mom just let us, she had no choice, but
to let us get away with murder.
She couldn't, she had to work and support these kids.
And, um, so, you know, I just thought I'd continue to drink and I drank a lot.
And, um, I did a lot of crazy things.
I ended up with places that I really had no idea how I got to.
I mean, literally I was in Acapulco and ended up in Mexico city and, um, I had
no idea how I got there and, uh, I was with people that were doing a lot of
cocaine and, uh, and I got back and I always felt like, I always felt like
there was somebody watching out after me.
I know that there was, that God was looking out after me because I was in
too many scrapes that I got out of.
And, um, you know, I just knew that there was something looking out
after me and I was very, very lucky.
And that's God's middle name, you know?
I, um, so I started doing Coke and, um, uh, first time we did it,
my friends started free basing.
There was no crack back then.
It were a meth, people would just do Coke and, um, they free based and I hated it.
So I thought that I was better than my friends because my friends would
smoke it and I would just snort it.
So I thought that I didn't have a problem and some of my
friends started shooting it.
And so I thought that they had the problem, but I just snorted it.
So I couldn't have a problem like they had and I was better than them.
You know, my whole life I was either better than you or I was less than you.
And, um, so I, um, you know, started, started doing a lot of blow and, uh,
I had a cocaine seizure and I, uh, you know, I had a really bad cocaine
seizure and I, um, continued to do Coke.
I had a boyfriend that worked for the Colombian cartel who
went away for 10 years.
And, um, he, uh, told me I had a bad batch.
That's why I had the cocaine seizure.
And I thought that was true love.
You know, you said we have to wean you back on it.
That's so, you know, that was true love.
And, um, so, you know, I started, um, doing it again.
And I was with my girlfriend one night and we would do Coke.
Like we'd go to clubs and I don't know how I always find the Coke man.
I always find the person with the blow and I'd say, I'm not doing it tonight.
And for some reason I would always end up with an envelope, you know?
And, um, my, um, so my, um, friend and I were at, we went to her house
and our friends kept coming and then they kept leaving and going to this
club and we didn't leave the house.
We were playing cards and doing Coke.
And I remember just smoking cigarettes, smoking cigarettes and thinking
myself, you know, Scott's a point where I wasn't even talking anymore.
And I ended up having a grand mal seizure.
And, um, she tried to save me from sticking my choking on my tongue
and they bit half of her finger off.
She started, she stick her finger in my mouth and, um, I bit half of it off.
And she called, she called 911.
And I also had in my house, in my purse was drugs.
I had like a few ounces of Coke from, uh, you know, the dealer, the man, my boyfriend.
And, um, so she sent me, um, she kept going down, taking the Coke
out and then bringing it upstairs.
And then she could bring the Coke back down again.
And finally she took it because I would have gone to jail.
And, um, so she, um, um, did all my Coke and she sent me to the hospital.
My whole family was in there and they were crying and they were,
my mom's asking me, do you think you need to go to rehab?
Of course I needed to go to rehab, but she did, she was asking me whether
I needed to go, making me make the decision.
And that wasn't an adult decision then.
It was, it was an adult decision, excuse me.
It wasn't a child's decision.
I was about 21 years old and, you know, it was just crazy.
And, um, then, um, I, uh, like I said, I drove through someone's house.
I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me because it was a different car out
front of his house where I usually parked.
So I thought he was cheating on me.
So I kept going around the neighborhood waiting for the car car to leave and,
or waiting to see who came out to the car.
And, um, I, uh, made a California stop sign and that's how somebody hit me.
It was pouring rain out.
And, um, I drove up, that's when I drove up into someone's lawn and into
a tree and then into the house.
And, um, ambulance was there and they asked me, have you been drinking?
And I said, no, of course not.
Half of my car was gone.
That back end of the half of my car was gone.
And I, um, and I was still surviving and working.
I was, I would do, I was a nail manicurist and I would, you
know, do celebrities and stuff.
And I was still working, you know, and, uh, able to make money and whatnot.
And I lived at home with my parents, with my mother and my stepfather.
And I lived at my boyfriend's house most of the time.
And, um, my mom would come over there to get me to see how I was
and make me come home.
And so I, um, that night I had sheets of glass through my entire
face and throughout my body.
And I, um, was bleeding everywhere and I was shameful.
And the paramedics were like, this is no time to have any shame right now.
We need to get this glass out of your body.
They took me to the hospital and the cops came and the cops, my friend,
um, my mom, I called my mom and my mom came and the cop said, I
know you've been drinking.
I have an emergency.
I'm going to leave right now.
You, you stay here.
I'll be back to get you because you're going to be in trouble.
And my mom was in a raincoat and she came in and she punched me right
in the face and she said, this is your idea of partying.
And, um, she said, get, get your clothes on and get in the car.
So she saved me from getting a five, I guess it's, what is a DUI now?
It was a 502 back then.
So she saved me from, you know, literally going to jail and having a 502.
I was really lucky.
She made me get, and she took me right home and, uh, you know, she,
they never came looking for us.
So I was just really, really lucky.
And, um, I decided I would quit Coke after that last cocaine seizure.
And, um, and I did.
And, but then I'd wonder, God, you know, I get so drunk now.
Why do I get so drunk all the time?
And that was because I was like, pop them all.
You know, I take care of the Coke over here and then the alcohol
would be pouring out of here.
And it was the ISM.
The ISM was, I was untreated.
And so I, um, my friend did all my Coke and then she checked us off into rehab
and she got sober and she said, I have a seat that I'm holding for you.
And when you're ready, I want you to come.
And, uh, it took me about a year and I went to a meeting with her and I
heard the laughter in the rooms.
But, um, you know, I thought you guys were all whack.
I thought, you know, you were cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs things.
People were like, why they're clapping?
Cause I'm getting a newcomer chip, like, and everyone was happy and there
was a lot of hope in these rooms.
And, um, I didn't come back right away.
But, um, six months later I came back to meeting with my friend and I got a
sponsor and that was night, that was, um, November 7th, 1988.
And I've been sober ever since.
And, um, so I started to go into meetings with my friend.
We went to this, you know, we'd go to this hospital and, uh, I, um, she
was like, you know, she was my, my Eskimo and she took me, she's out now,
but she took me to meetings after meetings after meetings.
And I, um, didn't think I was a drug addict.
Didn't think I was an alcoholic, like I said, but I knew I was a drug addict.
Cause I associated an alcoholic with the Skid Row bum or someone pushing a cart.
And, um, you know, alcoholics come from all, all walks of life.
We come from Yale and we come from jail, you know, it's all walks of life.
I've met people in here that make more money than the president.
Not that he makes that much money, but, um, and so I started going to meetings
and this woman told me to, um, be willing.
And the only step that I had to do by myself was the first step.
And that was step one and I had to admit to myself that I was an inner, to my
innermost self, that I was an alcoholic.
And my, uh, I got a sponsor.
She told me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, take the cotton out of my ears
and put it in my mouth, sit in the front row and wash coffee cups.
And I got sober at Bradford and Studio 12 and it was all about being of service.
She told me that she'd give me phone numbers to tell me to go pick up these
girls and I'd be like, what's in it for me?
Like what, you know, like, are they going to give me gas money?
Like what, what's the deal here?
So, um, I, uh, picked up girls from hospitals and institutions
and I took them to meetings.
I, um, my, my, um, the sponsor was my sponsor for a few years.
So my sobriety and she, um, she really, really helped me this woman.
She told me to put my keys on the floor.
If I don't believe in God, I can believe in her God.
And so I put my keys on the floor and get down on my knees in the morning and pray
and ask just, just to ask God to keep me sober in the morning and to, um, at night
to get on my knees and just thank him for keeping me sober.
And you know, I never knew the word gratitude.
And it was always about when, you know, when I had money, when I looked a certain
way, when I had a certain job, when I had a certain boyfriend, then life would begin.
And my life is about gratitude today.
You know, I read a gratitude list every morning and it's all about gratitude.
And I, um, you know, the first three steps are about my relationship with me and God.
The last three steps are my, about my relationship with you guys and all the
steps in between are about change and growth, and I'm still working the steps.
I never turned down an AA request.
Abraham asked me to speak and I didn't even know who he was.
And I didn't, he asked me to come here.
He gave me directions, told me what it was.
And I showed up, you know, because that's what I do today.
I suit up and I show up.
I always thought that I was really stupid and you know, a lot of
miracles have come true for me.
You know, I don't drink and I don't use no matter what.
And there's a lot of no matter what.
You know, I went through a really ugly child custody battle.
And, um, when my kid left me, she was two years old for the weekend.
I couldn't get out of bed.
And then I didn't drink, you know, I, um, gone through the loss of both of my
parents who I took care of and, um, you know, and, um, I didn't drink, um, you
know, breakups, new jobs and I, and I used to drink no matter what.
And, you know, I thought I was stupid growing up.
So when I got sober, I don't even know how I graduated high school,
to be perfectly honest with you.
I think I graduated from the slow school in the corner, the continuation.
That's where I graduated from because I was, you know, I never went.
I never suited up.
I never showed up.
And, um, you know, that school, I even had to like hustle to graduate.
Excuse me.
And so I started taking classes at Valley College and I
graduated with honors from UCLA.
And that's only because of this rooms, you know, I'm 37 years sober.
I got sober when I was 23.
And, um, like I said, I don't use no matter what.
And I help a lot of people.
It's, it's, my God has grown.
I didn't have the, I had the educational variety.
I didn't have a burning bush experience with God.
I had an educational variety and, um, my relationship with God
has slowly but surely changed.
And, you know, I didn't, I've done the best I can with everything I had.
I didn't, out of respect for the rooms before I thought I was an alcoholic.
I said, I was an alcoholic because I was told to say I was an alcoholic.
I, um, you know, I go on panels, I've had panels, I've had tons of commitments.
I still have tons of commitments and I stay in the middle of the herd because
that's where the recovery is, you know, I can, I can isolate and be lonely.
Don't, we're the only people alcoholics who isolate when they're lonely, you know?
And, um, but when I go to school, I was, I'd be really afraid when I would go
to school, when I went to UCLA and I would just, I'd suit up and show up.
Cause that's what you guys told me to do.
I'd suit up, I'd bring the body and the mind would follow.
And you know, this program is about honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.
You know, being honest with yourself, being willing to go to any lengths and,
um, you know, um, honesty, open mind, being open-minded to change.
And I've changed everything about myself and I continue to do so.
I, um, you know, still share custody.
I don't share custody of my kid anymore.
She's 21 and she's in college and she's graduating from a really good
college and a real proud of her.
And I got to be a mom.
I wasn't the greatest mom.
I did the best I could armed with the tools that I have.
But, um, I did the best I could and I put $10 away every day for just
in case she wants to go to therapy.
But, um, if you're new or if you're having a really hard time, you know, I just
got to say that everything is temporary, you know, life in and of itself is
temporary and, um, that everything passes the good times pass the bad times pass.
But, um, you know, this is the best thing that's ever happened to my life.
It's a, uh, uh, uh, a program that works under all conditions.
You know, it's a sign for living.
And I read this thing a lot and I take a lot of girls through the big book.
So thank you all for letting me do your service.