1
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 And I'm a cheat and I'm a thief and those are some of my better qualities.

2
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 But, um, I, um, I really liked what you had to say.

3
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 I can relate to a lot of it.

4
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 I, um, grew up in Queens in New York and, um, I grew up in the projects and I was

5
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 very ashamed of where we lived and we were poor and I didn't want anybody to know

6
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 where we lived as well, but everyone around us lived in the project, so they

7
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 were all poor too, for the most part.

8
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 And, um, so, um, my parents were divorced, uh, I remember my dad coming around, but

9
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 they pretty much, my dad wasn't coming around after I was about two years old

10
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 and we would go see him on the weekends.

11
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 Um, we played poker in my house and when I grew up, my brothers taught me how to

12
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 play poker.

13
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 So we, you know, my brothers would steal my money if they lost to me, they would

14
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 steal my money or take it back somehow.

15
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 And, um, you know, we just, we just were survivors.

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 We were little hustlers from jump and, um, we would, you know, steal from the kids

17
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 in the neighborhood.

18
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 The Carvel man was my best friend.

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 That's the ice cream truck.

20
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 And, um, he was my best friend and I, he'd come by every day.

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 My brothers were supposed to watch me.

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 Um, that was their job to take care of me and they would put me in front of the TV.

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 I'd watch conjunction junction, um, you know, and, and I would, uh, just sit

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 there and watch TV all day until my mother finally came home from work.

25
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 My mom had it really tough.

26
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 She had four kids and, um, my dad wasn't around that often.

27
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 And when she asked him to come by, you know, he had a social club in the

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 neighborhood and he didn't come, he rarely come by and check on us.

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 I remember one time I was so angry at my dad that, um, he was supposed to pick me

30
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 up from school.

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 It must've been about five and he pulled up.

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 I saw him racing to get there, but I hid from him because he was late trying to

33
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 punish him.

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 I guess I was so upset that he didn't show up and made me wait for so long.

35
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 So, um, you know, I grew up in this bad neighborhood.

36
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 I had, everything was about family.

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 I was told that, you know, family comes first, you know, you don't tell your

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 business to strangers, tell it to the family, bring your business home.

39
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 Don't, you know, share it on the streets and, um, you know, never make yourself

40
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 vulnerable to people.

41
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 And that wasn't, that was part of what my parents, my parents were hustlers.

42
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 I don't know why they didn't stay together.

43
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 They were two peas in a pod, but they, you know, they just didn't, my dad wanted

44
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 to live a certain lifestyle that my mom wasn't privy to as a woman.

45
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 And, um, so, you know, I lived in this neighborhood.

46
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 My mom got married a second time and she tried to get us out of the projects.

47
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 She did.

48
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 We were out of there for a year and then we, um, ended up moving back there.

49
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 So sugar was my, I couldn't see myself going to cop any blow or, you know,

50
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 getting anything to drink.

51
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 So sugar was my deal at first.

52
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 And, um, I still battle with that with sugar.

53
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 Um, so my, my, um, mom got us out of this neighborhood.

54
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 Then she got divorced and we ended up back in the neighborhood again.

55
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 And, um, we lived with my grandmother for a year until my mom got us, moved us up.

56
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 We thought we were moving on up.

57
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 We were like in section eight apartment buildings.

58
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 So we thought we were really moving up by the head of pool, you know, and they had

59
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 courts and all kinds of stuff for us to play with.

60
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 And it was, it was like awesome.

61
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 We moved to this new neighborhood and the kids that were like, you know, from

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 the projects moved there.

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 And, um, so we, um, we moved to this new neighborhood.

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 My, my brothers were there and they, my mom worked all the time.

65
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 She tried to take me to work with her, but she couldn't, you know, and so I'd

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 be stuck with my two grandmothers.

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 I don't come from basically an alcoholic home.

68
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 I basically come from a compulsive gambling home and compulsive eaters.

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 I, um, even though my dad did used to make wine, so then maybe there was some,

70
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 uh, he'd make vino a bottle of vino.

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 And, um, so, um, but we, um, I spent a lot of times with my cousins and my

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 grandmas, they would watch me and my grandma would take me to this lady's

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 house while she played poker and we'd walk in the bad neighborhood and I'd go

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 sit there and she'd smoke a palm oil with like an ash this long and play every

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 hand of poker that there was to play.

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 And you can't really win that way.

77
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 But, um, so she, um, you know, she took me there and then my other grandmother

78
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 would be their sisters all the time.

79
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 At first we'd go to church and then after church, we'd go to, um, OTB, which

80
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 is off-track betting and they, they bet on the, on the ponies, just craziness,

81
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 grew up a lot of craziness and my cousins were with us, so I spent a lot of

82
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 time with them and, um, you know, I had, I have like 40 first cousins on my

83
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 father's side, so there was a lot of us.

84
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 And, you know, on, um, on Sundays with, um, I'm Jewish and I'm Italian and on

85
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 Sundays with macaroni at two o'clock at my grandma's house and my mother's family

86
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 talked about my father and my father's family talked about my mother and they

87
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 didn't talk about them nicely.

88
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 And it hurt me every time they did it.

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 Essentially what they're doing is talking about me, a part of me that's no good.

90
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 And, um, so, you know, I go to my grandmother's house, my Jewish grandma,

91
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 who I'd stay with during the week for a majority of my time.

92
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 And she'd say, my father's a no good guinea bastard.

93
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 And, um, you know, it's a derogatory term.

94
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 And then I go to my, my mother's house, my grandmother's house, my father's

95
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 mother, and they would say that, um, my mom's a masa grist, which is a Christ killer.

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 And, um, you know, it was just terrible, you know, really bad to do it to a kid.

97
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 And, um, but, um, you know, she, my mother wasn't allowed to come in my grandma's

98
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 house is how I grew up.

99
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 And it was, you know, everyone was leaving my brothers and I to go home.

100
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 They'd all say, say hi to your mom for us.

101
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 We all tell her we love her, but it was in secret.

102
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 They couldn't let any, my grandmother know, my uncles know

103
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 that they really loved my mom.

104
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 And, um, my grandfather would take us home every weekend and he'd take us by the ice

105
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 cream shop on his way home on Sunday night and, um, you know, she'd bring us

106
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 home and he'd come up and he'd make sure that my mom was okay.

107
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 You know, he was such a good man, my grandfather, and he'd say, let it go, let

108
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 it go, literally know that I'd go to a program years later that would say, let it

109
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 go, let it go.

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 And, um, so he would come up and make sure my mother had some money and that she was

111
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 okay, you know, because my dad didn't.

112
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 And, um, so, you know, I grew up in this neighborhood and it was a not a good

113
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 neighborhood and then I lived with my father on the weekends and I would live

114
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 with him during the year sometimes.

115
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 And, um, he lived in Howard beach and it was predominantly Italian and, um, it was

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 Guy town.

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 And, um, so, you know, I, um, hung out with a lot of kids at the park and my

118
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 father used to say, don't let me catch you hanging out at that park.

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 Cause if you do, you're going to be in a lot of trouble and they would all smoke

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 reefer every day, we'd smoke reefer, go to the park, cut school, smoke pot.

121
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 And, um, my dad, um, one time sent my brothers over there to get me and we

122
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 were, we tried to smoke as much pot as we could so that, and keep the windows open.

123
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 So then when we opened it up, you know, the car would explode and, um, and it did

124
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 the car would explode and rolled down the windows and out there was standing my

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 brothers.

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 And they said, what do you think you're doing out here?

127
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 You know, my father said, don't let him catch you hanging out with those spot

128
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 cones for kids that have, you know, we're all tough and smoke pot.

129
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 And it was crazy.

130
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 So I was, I was pretty much a bad kid upon arrival.

131
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 I don't know why.

132
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 I don't know.

133
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 You know, I just was just a little hustler.

134
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 I would steal money as much as I could.

135
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 Um, cause they didn't have any and they wanted it and, um, I'd steal from stores

136
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 and, you know, thank God after all these years, I never, I mean, you know, I don't

137
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 steal anymore, but then I never got caught because I would have been in a lot of

138
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 trouble, the amount of stealing that I did.

139
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 So, um, I, um, started smoking pots at first.

140
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 Actually I started taking speed because my mom, I always bothered my mom because I

141
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 was overweight and I wanted her to put me on a diet.

142
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 So she sent me to a diet doctor and they would give me shot and black beauties to,

143
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 um, you know, 13 years old, which was terrible, but it made me lose weight, you

144
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 know, and, um, I don't even know if they exist anymore.

145
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 I think they were in Dora or something like that now.

146
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 But, um, so I started, you know, doing speed, doing Coke.

147
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 Um, my, um, my brothers caught me hanging out there.

148
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 I got in a lot of trouble for my father.

149
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:01,720
 My father never hit me.

150
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,200
 My mother pulled my hair a lot.

151
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,960
 Um, cause I was a bad kid.

152
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,120
 I just wasn't a bad kid.

153
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:11,160
 I had a big mouth and, um, but I was taught what was from right and what was wrong.

154
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 My parents instilled in me some, some really good ideals and some good principles.

155
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 So I knew what was right and what was wrong.

156
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 And, um, I'd steal from my grandma, you know, when I started getting high.

157
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 And, um, you know, I just, I was just a street kid.

158
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 I was just a street kid.

159
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 And I, um, you know, I was ashamed of my behavior.

160
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 I started smoking cigarettes at like 12 years old and, um, I'd steal from my grandma.

161
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 They were horrible.

162
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:38,080
 So then, but back then they'd let you buy cigarettes at a young age.

163
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 And so, you know, I, um, I don't know why, but I grew up when I didn't have any self

164
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 esteem.

165
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 I never thought I was enough and, um, I never thought I'd amount to much.

166
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 And I don't think my parents said, this is our last child.

167
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 We're going to really screw this one up.

168
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:57,520
 I don't know if I'm a product of my environment, whether it's, you know,

169
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 genetic or whether it's, uh, I was born that way.

170
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,280
 I have no idea.

171
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,840
 I just know that I have a disease that's out to kill me.

172
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:09,880
 And, um, I started doing, um, started drinking probably about 15.

173
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 I didn't know it was a blackout.

174
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,920
 It was called a blackout until I got sober as well.

175
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,600
 But I started blacking out and I puked from the beginning.

176
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,600
 And, um, it was a definite puke.

177
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:22,360
 If you drank and you smoked weed, that was a definite no-no.

178
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 And, um, so I started doing that a lot and I started, you know, we moved out

179
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 here and my brother got a TV show and my mother sent us out one by one.

180
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 And, um, so we lived with our aunt until my mom finally got here and she

181
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,600
 moved us into an apartment.

182
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:39,920
 My aunt lived in an apartment that, um, was, you know, a lot of kids and it

183
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:42,560
 was really crazy and my aunt was crazy.

184
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:45,040
 And my mom moved her whole family out here.

185
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,200
 My grandma, my aunt lived across the street.

186
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:48,760
 My uncle lived across the street.

187
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:53,600
 My other aunt lived in my apartment building and, um, you know, just shame.

188
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,120
 A lot of shame in my life growing up with a lot of shame.

189
00:09:56,120 --> 00:10:00,360
 My aunt was bipolar and she stopped taking her medicine to get high and

190
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,840
 she would, um, come out on the parking lot.

191
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:06,000
 She'd come out on the balcony and sing at five o'clock in the morning.

192
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,960
 And, um, you know, my grandmother, you know, it was just, it was horrible.

193
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:10,800
 It was embarrassing.

194
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,200
 And, um, she told me Sinatra was in her room.

195
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,280
 That was her boyfriend.

196
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,520
 And, um, just craziness, just craziness.

197
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:19,240
 A lot of drama, a lot of drama.

198
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,520
 And, you know, my parents were at the club.

199
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:26,200
 My, my, my mom got married again for the third time and, um, he came

200
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:29,720
 with three kids and my father got married again and he had three more kids.

201
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,360
 So I have three whole brothers, three half and two step.

202
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:35,160
 So there was a lot of us and we had a good time together.

203
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:36,080
 We really did.

204
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:40,080
 We, we'd have singing contests and, you know, dancing contests.

205
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:43,200
 And my brothers were bullies and always try and, you know, push us

206
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,080
 around and tell us what to do.

207
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:47,560
 And, um, you know, we just, but we had a great time.

208
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:51,920
 We had a lot of fun times together and my brothers wouldn't let me, I would

209
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:56,000
 steal their pot cause they were selling pot by this time and finally I got caught.

210
00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:00,960
 So I had to return my brother's pot and, um, he was very angry at me.

211
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,320
 You know, he's like, you're not going to do this.

212
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,120
 People would knock on his window at like two o'clock in

213
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,800
 the morning to buy pot from him.

214
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:10,720
 You know, we lived on a block that was like known for selling dogs.

215
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:11,440
 It was crazy.

216
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:15,320
 My poor mom, she'd sit us down and say, okay, everyone open up their wallets.

217
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:16,480
 Who stole my money today?

218
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:17,440
 Get handed over.

219
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,960
 You know, poor woman had like tough kids.

220
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,760
 She had it really, really hard and she didn't want to open up the door

221
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,720
 because she didn't know who her kids were fighting with that day.

222
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,320
 And, um, so started drinking.

223
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,320
 My big thing was being, going to nightclubs.

224
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,800
 I barely went to school.

225
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:37,160
 When I went to high school, I signed my mom's name so that I

226
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,880
 could check myself out of school.

227
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,520
 And no one really, I just, I was stricken.

228
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:46,200
 I took care of myself and, um, my brother and I moved into my two brothers.

229
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,000
 We moved into, um, the apartment by ourselves.

230
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,080
 My mother was in Las Vegas at the time.

231
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:54,640
 And, um, we moved into this apartment building, this apartment

232
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,080
 by ourselves, young kids, just crazy.

233
00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:59,320
 And, um, so I love my mother.

234
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:03,000
 My mother's gone, but I stole over to this day and I wouldn't trade my life

235
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,760
 for anything because my life and my history made me who I am today.

236
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,480
 And, um, and I'm okay with it.

237
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,280
 I've made peace with, with all of it.

238
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:14,360
 And, uh, so I started drinking and my big thing was to be hip-slick and

239
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,280
 cool and hang out with the pool kids.

240
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:18,280
 So they were going to nightclubs.

241
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,440
 And so that's what I did.

242
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:24,120
 It was really important to be backstage and be with the who's who and the what's

243
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:28,000
 what's and, you know, I lived in this apartment again, we didn't, we didn't

244
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,200
 have a lot of cash, but I made friends with all these rich girls and I was,

245
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,600
 couldn't believe how many, the houses they lived in, up in the

246
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,200
 pagetas and the Shemitahs.

247
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,480
 And I was like, wow, these kids have a lot of money.

248
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,320
 They had all the clothes and all the stuff and they let me borrow it.

249
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:44,000
 So I was, I was set and, um, or I would steal clothes.

250
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:49,760
 And so I, um, started doing, uh, alcohol was starting to drink every day.

251
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,600
 I would cut school and I would drink.

252
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:58,480
 And, um, I, um, uh, I still was taking speed and I would drink and, uh, I knew

253
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:02,800
 I had a problem with drugs, but, um, I didn't think I had a problem with alcohol.

254
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,160
 I just, I really didn't.

255
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,400
 I was in total denial.

256
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,200
 Uh, you know, I'd go to concerts.

257
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,960
 I remember I was walking one time and there was a bunch of Motley crew and I

258
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:15,080
 was backstage and one of my heels broke and I had like, you know, those big

259
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:20,120
 cockroach killer killers with the high stiletto and I'm walking on this shoe

260
00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:23,160
 that's broken and I'm thinking everyone's looking at me and I think I'm all that

261
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:26,680
 because everyone's looking at me and I didn't realize that my shoe was broken.

262
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,400
 I was dragging it, like barely able to walk.

263
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,000
 People were making fun of me.

264
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:35,200
 They were, you know, looking at me and, uh, it seems like, you know, I ended up, I

265
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:40,200
 ended up, um, having, um, driving through someone's house one time when I was drunk,

266
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:44,160
 I drove up their lawn and crashed my car into a tree and then drove into their

267
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,880
 kitchen and, um, it was really horrible.

268
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:48,800
 It was just awful.

269
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:52,320
 I didn't think I was an alcoholic, but when I was sober after six months, I

270
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,840
 remember that incident and I knew that I was an alcoholic.

271
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,200
 People don't drive into people's houses drunk.

272
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:57,960
 They just don't.

273
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:02,360
 And, um, so I continue to drink and go to parties, go to clubs.

274
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:07,680
 And, uh, we, um, you know, my, I had hang out with different crowds of kids.

275
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:11,160
 I hung out with the Socs, the Socs who are the popular girls.

276
00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:12,960
 And then I hung out with the Stoners.

277
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,120
 I was just friends with everybody because I was a people pleaser and I needed

278
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,600
 everything to be liked by everybody.

279
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:21,840
 And, um, I needed to like my people pleasing started when I went to my Italian

280
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:26,920
 grandma's house and my stepfather put a Jewish star on me and my father made me

281
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:31,240
 take it off and whoever would give me money, I would, I would, you know, people

282
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,080
 please, I do what they asked me to do.

283
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:34,880
 And my dad gave me money.

284
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:39,480
 So I took off to the Jewish star and, but my dad insisted that I have a communion

285
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,560
 and a confirmation and I did do that.

286
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:45,280
 And, um, you know, so I was very confused.

287
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:49,760
 There was no stability and we needed my father growing up and we had the

288
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,680
 opportunity to live with him, but he was too strict for us.

289
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,440
 You know, he had structure.

290
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,080
 We ate dinner at six o'clock on the dot.

291
00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:00,400
 The dishes were done, you know, the homework was done.

292
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:05,040
 And, um, uh, you know, my mom just let us, she had no choice, but

293
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:06,200
 to let us get away with murder.

294
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,600
 She couldn't, she had to work and support these kids.

295
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:12,400
 And, um, so, you know, I just thought I'd continue to drink and I drank a lot.

296
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,120
 And, um, I did a lot of crazy things.

297
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:18,600
 I ended up with places that I really had no idea how I got to.

298
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:25,320
 I mean, literally I was in Acapulco and ended up in Mexico city and, um, I had

299
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:28,960
 no idea how I got there and, uh, I was with people that were doing a lot of

300
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:33,640
 cocaine and, uh, and I got back and I always felt like, I always felt like

301
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,480
 there was somebody watching out after me.

302
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:38,880
 I know that there was, that God was looking out after me because I was in

303
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,200
 too many scrapes that I got out of.

304
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,280
 And, um, you know, I just knew that there was something looking out

305
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,120
 after me and I was very, very lucky.

306
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,760
 And that's God's middle name, you know?

307
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:52,520
 I, um, so I started doing Coke and, um, uh, first time we did it,

308
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,040
 my friends started free basing.

309
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,160
 There was no crack back then.

310
00:15:56,200 --> 00:16:01,240
 It were a meth, people would just do Coke and, um, they free based and I hated it.

311
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,800
 So I thought that I was better than my friends because my friends would

312
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,440
 smoke it and I would just snort it.

313
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:10,000
 So I thought that I didn't have a problem and some of my

314
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,200
 friends started shooting it.

315
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:14,560
 And so I thought that they had the problem, but I just snorted it.

316
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:17,760
 So I couldn't have a problem like they had and I was better than them.

317
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:21,160
 You know, my whole life I was either better than you or I was less than you.

318
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:26,640
 And, um, so I, um, you know, started, started doing a lot of blow and, uh,

319
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:31,080
 I had a cocaine seizure and I, uh, you know, I had a really bad cocaine

320
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:34,400
 seizure and I, um, continued to do Coke.

321
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:37,000
 I had a boyfriend that worked for the Colombian cartel who

322
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,280
 went away for 10 years.

323
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,880
 And, um, he, uh, told me I had a bad batch.

324
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,400
 That's why I had the cocaine seizure.

325
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,760
 And I thought that was true love.

326
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,600
 You know, you said we have to wean you back on it.

327
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:51,200
 That's so, you know, that was true love.

328
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:55,680
 And, um, so, you know, I started, um, doing it again.

329
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,280
 And I was with my girlfriend one night and we would do Coke.

330
00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:02,760
 Like we'd go to clubs and I don't know how I always find the Coke man.

331
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:06,440
 I always find the person with the blow and I'd say, I'm not doing it tonight.

332
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:10,400
 And for some reason I would always end up with an envelope, you know?

333
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:15,920
 And, um, my, um, so my, um, friend and I were at, we went to her house

334
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:19,120
 and our friends kept coming and then they kept leaving and going to this

335
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:20,640
 club and we didn't leave the house.

336
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,240
 We were playing cards and doing Coke.

337
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:25,920
 And I remember just smoking cigarettes, smoking cigarettes and thinking

338
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,680
 myself, you know, Scott's a point where I wasn't even talking anymore.

339
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,600
 And I ended up having a grand mal seizure.

340
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:36,200
 And, um, she tried to save me from sticking my choking on my tongue

341
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,080
 and they bit half of her finger off.

342
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:42,560
 She started, she stick her finger in my mouth and, um, I bit half of it off.

343
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,120
 And she called, she called 911.

344
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:48,720
 And I also had in my house, in my purse was drugs.

345
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:53,360
 I had like a few ounces of Coke from, uh, you know, the dealer, the man, my boyfriend.

346
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:57,640
 And, um, so she sent me, um, she kept going down, taking the Coke

347
00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,640
 out and then bringing it upstairs.

348
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,360
 And then she could bring the Coke back down again.

349
00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:04,560
 And finally she took it because I would have gone to jail.

350
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:09,960
 And, um, so she, um, um, did all my Coke and she sent me to the hospital.

351
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,040
 My whole family was in there and they were crying and they were,

352
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,160
 my mom's asking me, do you think you need to go to rehab?

353
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,720
 Of course I needed to go to rehab, but she did, she was asking me whether

354
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,160
 I needed to go, making me make the decision.

355
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,240
 And that wasn't an adult decision then.

356
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,520
 It was, it was an adult decision, excuse me.

357
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:28,440
 It wasn't a child's decision.

358
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,200
 I was about 21 years old and, you know, it was just crazy.

359
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,920
 And, um, then, um, I, uh, like I said, I drove through someone's house.

360
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,560
 I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me because it was a different car out

361
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,600
 front of his house where I usually parked.

362
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:42,920
 So I thought he was cheating on me.

363
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:46,840
 So I kept going around the neighborhood waiting for the car car to leave and,

364
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,320
 or waiting to see who came out to the car.

365
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:54,200
 And, um, I, uh, made a California stop sign and that's how somebody hit me.

366
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,520
 It was pouring rain out.

367
00:18:55,520 --> 00:19:00,000
 And, um, I drove up, that's when I drove up into someone's lawn and into

368
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,600
 a tree and then into the house.

369
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,160
 And, um, ambulance was there and they asked me, have you been drinking?

370
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:06,520
 And I said, no, of course not.

371
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,040
 Half of my car was gone.

372
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,480
 That back end of the half of my car was gone.

373
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,480
 And I, um, and I was still surviving and working.

374
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:17,600
 I was, I would do, I was a nail manicurist and I would, you

375
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,120
 know, do celebrities and stuff.

376
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:24,120
 And I was still working, you know, and, uh, able to make money and whatnot.

377
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:27,480
 And I lived at home with my parents, with my mother and my stepfather.

378
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,840
 And I lived at my boyfriend's house most of the time.

379
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:32,840
 And, um, my mom would come over there to get me to see how I was

380
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:33,720
 and make me come home.

381
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:39,120
 And so I, um, that night I had sheets of glass through my entire

382
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,560
 face and throughout my body.

383
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:45,840
 And I, um, was bleeding everywhere and I was shameful.

384
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:49,640
 And the paramedics were like, this is no time to have any shame right now.

385
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,000
 We need to get this glass out of your body.

386
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:56,280
 They took me to the hospital and the cops came and the cops, my friend,

387
00:19:56,280 --> 00:20:00,720
 um, my mom, I called my mom and my mom came and the cop said, I

388
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:01,840
 know you've been drinking.

389
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:03,200
 I have an emergency.

390
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:04,720
 I'm going to leave right now.

391
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,000
 You, you stay here.

392
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,280
 I'll be back to get you because you're going to be in trouble.

393
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,240
 And my mom was in a raincoat and she came in and she punched me right

394
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,760
 in the face and she said, this is your idea of partying.

395
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:17,120
 And, um, she said, get, get your clothes on and get in the car.

396
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:21,240
 So she saved me from getting a five, I guess it's, what is a DUI now?

397
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:22,760
 It was a 502 back then.

398
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:27,120
 So she saved me from, you know, literally going to jail and having a 502.

399
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:27,920
 I was really lucky.

400
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:31,400
 She made me get, and she took me right home and, uh, you know, she,

401
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:32,840
 they never came looking for us.

402
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,120
 So I was just really, really lucky.

403
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:39,480
 And, um, I decided I would quit Coke after that last cocaine seizure.

404
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,800
 And, um, and I did.

405
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,800
 And, but then I'd wonder, God, you know, I get so drunk now.

406
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,520
 Why do I get so drunk all the time?

407
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,760
 And that was because I was like, pop them all.

408
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,720
 You know, I take care of the Coke over here and then the alcohol

409
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,360
 would be pouring out of here.

410
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:54,520
 And it was the ISM.

411
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,160
 The ISM was, I was untreated.

412
00:20:56,160 --> 00:21:01,440
 And so I, um, my friend did all my Coke and then she checked us off into rehab

413
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:04,840
 and she got sober and she said, I have a seat that I'm holding for you.

414
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,640
 And when you're ready, I want you to come.

415
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:10,320
 And, uh, it took me about a year and I went to a meeting with her and I

416
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:11,760
 heard the laughter in the rooms.

417
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,360
 But, um, you know, I thought you guys were all whack.

418
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,880
 I thought, you know, you were cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs things.

419
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,680
 People were like, why they're clapping?

420
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:22,320
 Cause I'm getting a newcomer chip, like, and everyone was happy and there

421
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:23,880
 was a lot of hope in these rooms.

422
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,400
 And, um, I didn't come back right away.

423
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:30,360
 But, um, six months later I came back to meeting with my friend and I got a

424
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:36,320
 sponsor and that was night, that was, um, November 7th, 1988.

425
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,880
 And I've been sober ever since.

426
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:41,120
 And, um, so I started to go into meetings with my friend.

427
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:46,040
 We went to this, you know, we'd go to this hospital and, uh, I, um, she

428
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:50,880
 was like, you know, she was my, my Eskimo and she took me, she's out now,

429
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:54,600
 but she took me to meetings after meetings after meetings.

430
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:56,880
 And I, um, didn't think I was a drug addict.

431
00:21:56,880 --> 00:22:00,080
 Didn't think I was an alcoholic, like I said, but I knew I was a drug addict.

432
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:05,480
 Cause I associated an alcoholic with the Skid Row bum or someone pushing a cart.

433
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:10,440
 And, um, you know, alcoholics come from all, all walks of life.

434
00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:13,800
 We come from Yale and we come from jail, you know, it's all walks of life.

435
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,480
 I've met people in here that make more money than the president.

436
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:21,720
 Not that he makes that much money, but, um, and so I started going to meetings

437
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:25,000
 and this woman told me to, um, be willing.

438
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,800
 And the only step that I had to do by myself was the first step.

439
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,360
 And that was step one and I had to admit to myself that I was an inner, to my

440
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:33,120
 innermost self, that I was an alcoholic.

441
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,040
 And my, uh, I got a sponsor.

442
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:39,760
 She told me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, take the cotton out of my ears

443
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:43,680
 and put it in my mouth, sit in the front row and wash coffee cups.

444
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:49,480
 And I got sober at Bradford and Studio 12 and it was all about being of service.

445
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,680
 She told me that she'd give me phone numbers to tell me to go pick up these

446
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,520
 girls and I'd be like, what's in it for me?

447
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,240
 Like what, you know, like, are they going to give me gas money?

448
00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:58,720
 Like what, what's the deal here?

449
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:03,400
 So, um, I, uh, picked up girls from hospitals and institutions

450
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:04,560
 and I took them to meetings.

451
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:09,520
 I, um, my, my, um, the sponsor was my sponsor for a few years.

452
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:13,040
 So my sobriety and she, um, she really, really helped me this woman.

453
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:14,640
 She told me to put my keys on the floor.

454
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,120
 If I don't believe in God, I can believe in her God.

455
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:20,720
 And so I put my keys on the floor and get down on my knees in the morning and pray

456
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:25,440
 and ask just, just to ask God to keep me sober in the morning and to, um, at night

457
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,840
 to get on my knees and just thank him for keeping me sober.

458
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,960
 And you know, I never knew the word gratitude.

459
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:33,760
 And it was always about when, you know, when I had money, when I looked a certain

460
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,800
 way, when I had a certain job, when I had a certain boyfriend, then life would begin.

461
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,240
 And my life is about gratitude today.

462
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:44,240
 You know, I read a gratitude list every morning and it's all about gratitude.

463
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:49,560
 And I, um, you know, the first three steps are about my relationship with me and God.

464
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:53,720
 The last three steps are my, about my relationship with you guys and all the

465
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:58,280
 steps in between are about change and growth, and I'm still working the steps.

466
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,320
 I never turned down an AA request.

467
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:03,920
 Abraham asked me to speak and I didn't even know who he was.

468
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,560
 And I didn't, he asked me to come here.

469
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,480
 He gave me directions, told me what it was.

470
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,640
 And I showed up, you know, because that's what I do today.

471
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:11,920
 I suit up and I show up.

472
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:15,320
 I always thought that I was really stupid and you know, a lot of

473
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:16,720
 miracles have come true for me.

474
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,960
 You know, I don't drink and I don't use no matter what.

475
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:21,040
 And there's a lot of no matter what.

476
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:24,560
 You know, I went through a really ugly child custody battle.

477
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:28,320
 And, um, when my kid left me, she was two years old for the weekend.

478
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:29,320
 I couldn't get out of bed.

479
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:33,960
 And then I didn't drink, you know, I, um, gone through the loss of both of my

480
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:39,440
 parents who I took care of and, um, you know, and, um, I didn't drink, um, you

481
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:43,800
 know, breakups, new jobs and I, and I used to drink no matter what.

482
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,040
 And, you know, I thought I was stupid growing up.

483
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,680
 So when I got sober, I don't even know how I graduated high school,

484
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,000
 to be perfectly honest with you.

485
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,560
 I think I graduated from the slow school in the corner, the continuation.

486
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:57,080
 That's where I graduated from because I was, you know, I never went.

487
00:24:57,080 --> 00:24:57,920
 I never suited up.

488
00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:58,720
 I never showed up.

489
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:02,920
 And, um, you know, that school, I even had to like hustle to graduate.

490
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:03,400
 Excuse me.

491
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,520
 And so I started taking classes at Valley College and I

492
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:08,880
 graduated with honors from UCLA.

493
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:12,800
 And that's only because of this rooms, you know, I'm 37 years sober.

494
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:14,520
 I got sober when I was 23.

495
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:17,760
 And, um, like I said, I don't use no matter what.

496
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:19,120
 And I help a lot of people.

497
00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:21,440
 It's, it's, my God has grown.

498
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,600
 I didn't have the, I had the educational variety.

499
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,920
 I didn't have a burning bush experience with God.

500
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:31,080
 I had an educational variety and, um, my relationship with God

501
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:33,720
 has slowly but surely changed.

502
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:37,160
 And, you know, I didn't, I've done the best I can with everything I had.

503
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:40,680
 I didn't, out of respect for the rooms before I thought I was an alcoholic.

504
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:43,960
 I said, I was an alcoholic because I was told to say I was an alcoholic.

505
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:48,960
 I, um, you know, I go on panels, I've had panels, I've had tons of commitments.

506
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,520
 I still have tons of commitments and I stay in the middle of the herd because

507
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:57,000
 that's where the recovery is, you know, I can, I can isolate and be lonely.

508
00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:00,880
 Don't, we're the only people alcoholics who isolate when they're lonely, you know?

509
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:06,720
 And, um, but when I go to school, I was, I'd be really afraid when I would go

510
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:10,240
 to school, when I went to UCLA and I would just, I'd suit up and show up.

511
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:11,840
 Cause that's what you guys told me to do.

512
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,600
 I'd suit up, I'd bring the body and the mind would follow.

513
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:18,920
 And you know, this program is about honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.

514
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:23,200
 You know, being honest with yourself, being willing to go to any lengths and,

515
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:27,600
 um, you know, um, honesty, open mind, being open-minded to change.

516
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:31,200
 And I've changed everything about myself and I continue to do so.

517
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,440
 I, um, you know, still share custody.

518
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,160
 I don't share custody of my kid anymore.

519
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:39,240
 She's 21 and she's in college and she's graduating from a really good

520
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:42,000
 college and a real proud of her.

521
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:42,920
 And I got to be a mom.

522
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:44,240
 I wasn't the greatest mom.

523
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:47,120
 I did the best I could armed with the tools that I have.

524
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:52,360
 But, um, I did the best I could and I put $10 away every day for just

525
00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:53,600
 in case she wants to go to therapy.

526
00:26:53,600 --> 00:27:00,160
 But, um, if you're new or if you're having a really hard time, you know, I just

527
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:03,400
 got to say that everything is temporary, you know, life in and of itself is

528
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:08,040
 temporary and, um, that everything passes the good times pass the bad times pass.

529
00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:11,080
 But, um, you know, this is the best thing that's ever happened to my life.

530
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:15,360
 It's a, uh, uh, uh, a program that works under all conditions.

531
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:16,760
 You know, it's a sign for living.

532
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:20,400
 And I read this thing a lot and I take a lot of girls through the big book.

533
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,840
 So thank you all for letting me do your service.