1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:10,520 I got my phone up here because I don't want that five minute green light to go off and 2 00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:15,680 not be sober again because that's real easy for me to do. 3 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:16,680 Okay. 4 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:20,080 Thank you, Abraham, for asking me to do this. 5 00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:24,520 Not something I do very often and get real nervous about it. 6 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:25,520 Yeah. 7 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:26,520 Okay. 8 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:31,840 When you said you needed somebody for tonight, but if I couldn't January, my first thought 9 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:32,840 was yes, January. 10 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,760 Then I thought, no, I'll get it over with. 11 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:37,760 So thank you. 12 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:38,760 Thank you. 13 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:39,760 It really is. 14 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:44,000 It's an honor and it's a privilege to do this and thank you, Mariana, for your share. 15 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:48,280 That was really beautiful and I related to a lot of it. 16 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:53,060 The very first thing was I came in here judging, you know, I did. 17 00:00:53,060 --> 00:00:54,060 That's all I did. 18 00:00:54,060 --> 00:00:59,560 I looked and I looked for the differences all the time and when I did my fifth step, 19 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:05,440 I read my very first resentment to my sponsor and when it got to that fourth column, what's 20 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:06,440 my part? 21 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:07,440 She goes, judgmental. 22 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:14,140 Put down judgmental and I thought I was a little offended and I'm not a judgmental person 23 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:17,320 and boy do we learn a lot when we come here. 24 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:18,780 So okay. 25 00:01:18,780 --> 00:01:23,520 So my sobriety date is April the 9th, 2018 and I have a sponsor. 26 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:28,240 Her name is Terry B. and I have three meetings that I consider home groups. 27 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:35,600 One is the Rose City speaker meeting in Sierra, well, it's Pasadena, the Sunday morning speaker 28 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:41,560 meeting at War Memorial Building in South Pasadena and a participation meeting Monday 29 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:47,920 morning participation in El Sereno meeting and I have commitments at all those meetings 30 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:49,640 and I love them all. 31 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:51,980 I love them all today. 32 00:01:51,980 --> 00:01:53,920 So what do I want to do here? 33 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:54,920 Okay. 34 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:59,400 I guess just stick to what I was like, what happened and what I'm like now that's, you 35 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:03,580 know, if I do that, tell the truth, I can't go wrong, right? 36 00:02:03,580 --> 00:02:08,200 So I grew up in a very loving, stable home, not here. 37 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:15,200 It was in Indiana, which I was, couldn't wait to get away from and there was no alcohol 38 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,720 use in my home. 39 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,000 I knew that I was loved and taken care of. 40 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,720 I had no reason to be an alcoholic. 41 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:27,000 If you're looking for reasons, I didn't have any reasons. 42 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:31,880 I always thought there wasn't any alcohol in my home because my parents do the religious 43 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:32,880 beliefs. 44 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:40,080 But at some point along the line, I started learning about uncle George and uncle Edmund 45 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:46,400 and realized that I think my father growing up had experienced alcoholism in his family 46 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:52,560 growing up and he took the approach of, well, if I don't drink, I won't be an alcoholic. 47 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:57,720 But I think he still had some ism there, you know, and he dealt with it by working. 48 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:00,620 He just was a total workaholic. 49 00:03:00,620 --> 00:03:04,460 So I didn't have any alcohol, but I had food and I loved food. 50 00:03:04,460 --> 00:03:08,040 It was the first thing that I turned to food and books. 51 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:13,700 I escaped in books and I ate and I got fat. 52 00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:19,400 And I remember as a little kid thinking eating a candy bar and thinking the best thing that 53 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:24,360 in life that I could get would be a candy bar that I could eat and keep eating. 54 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:25,360 And it never ended. 55 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:28,480 That's the way I just wanted to keep going. 56 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:32,740 And my mother's reaction to that was to send me to Weight Watchers. 57 00:03:32,740 --> 00:03:39,160 So as a young teen, I was in Weight Watchers and trying to stuff or fill. 58 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:41,740 I don't know what I was trying to do. 59 00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:47,120 Later on in sobriety, I heard women say in meetings, oh, yeah, my mom gave me speed. 60 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:52,240 And I thought, I wish my mother had done that to me. 61 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:57,480 She sends me to Weight Watchers and I could have had like these little pills. 62 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:03,000 So then I went to college and then I found alcohol and I found keggers and I loved it. 63 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,240 I just from the get go, I love the effect. 64 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,960 I just and I always wanted more. 65 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:13,120 And I I kind of started off with a bang. 66 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,040 I was a freshman in college. 67 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,040 I had a friend who was a senior. 68 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:22,000 So he was, you know, had the idea he could get all the alcohol and we were out partying 69 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:28,560 one weekend, driving home, little podunk town in Indiana, one stoplight, three in the morning. 70 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,680 We'd been out all night and he's speeding through town. 71 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:37,580 And I turned and I looked in the alley and I see a sheriff's car parked in the alley 72 00:04:37,580 --> 00:04:40,520 and I say, oh, he's coming after us. 73 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:44,000 And what I didn't know was that my friend already had two DUIs. 74 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,580 He did not want a third one. 75 00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:50,400 So he just lorded and and we didn't get very far. 76 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:55,020 We didn't get my big police pursuit only lasted about a mile and a half. 77 00:04:55,020 --> 00:05:01,420 And it ended with three sheriff cars in front of us and two sheriff cars behind us. 78 00:05:01,420 --> 00:05:05,680 And they opened the car doors and they've got their guns pointed at us and they're yelling, 79 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,480 get out of the car with your hands up. 80 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:12,480 And I'm like, I think I was I was a chicken, I think I was on the floor of the passenger 81 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:17,280 seat and my friend gets out and I think, oh, thank goodness, it's over. 82 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:19,760 And they keep saying, get out with your hands up. 83 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,700 I think, oh, they mean me. 84 00:05:21,700 --> 00:05:27,160 And so so I get out of the car and my friend, it could have ended so badly. 85 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:33,680 My friend had just put on a play for he was a drama student major and in the play there 86 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:37,680 was a gun scene and a starter pistol. 87 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:42,660 In the play, the gun didn't go off the starter pistol and the stage manager was behind stage 88 00:05:42,660 --> 00:05:44,180 yelling bang bang. 89 00:05:44,180 --> 00:05:48,800 So he took this starter pistol with him all night long because it was the big joke of 90 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,920 the evening and they're patting him down. 91 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,020 He's got a gun, check her. 92 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:56,840 And fortunately, we both came out of that alive. 93 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:59,760 The police officer was a sheriff. 94 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:06,720 He put me he must have thought oh, 18 years old cute little girl harmless and he opened 95 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:12,800 up the front door of his of the patrol car and let me sit in the front seat of the patrol 96 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:18,220 car and I go to sit down and his cap was on the seat his police his sheriff's hat and 97 00:06:18,220 --> 00:06:20,060 I didn't want to sit on it. 98 00:06:20,060 --> 00:06:25,880 So I picked it up and I put it on my head and let me suggest to you to never do that. 99 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:31,640 They don't like that because it's like the door gets opened, I get jerked out in handcuffs 100 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:33,240 and thrown in the backseat. 101 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:37,480 So that was my one and only big, you know, fun event. 102 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:44,400 From then on, it was and I would have thought at that point that maybe I had a problem you 103 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,120 know, because none of my other friends were getting arrested. 104 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:48,480 They weren't going to jail. 105 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:51,600 They weren't in sheriff's cars. 106 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:57,040 But to me and when I when I went to treatment, they asked me in the intake, you know, have 107 00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:03,720 you ever had a police or have you ever had an arrest an alcohol related arrest? 108 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:04,940 And I said no. 109 00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:09,280 And I from the bottom of my heart, if you've given me put me on a lie detector test, I 110 00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:13,920 would have passed it because I felt like I was telling the truth because it wasn't my 111 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:14,920 fault. 112 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,280 It was his fault for playing the police. 113 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:22,640 It was a stupid law that an 18 year old can't drink alcohol. 114 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,680 I didn't feel like I had an alcohol problem, right. 115 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:30,040 So that's crazy how our brains work. 116 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:31,920 Just crazy. 117 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:35,280 So I left Indiana as soon as I could. 118 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:42,400 I came to California, went to school at Cal State Northridge, yay Northridge. 119 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:48,360 And when I got here, it was like 114 degrees and I was in this apartment with three other 120 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:51,560 women and three cats and no air conditioning. 121 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:56,200 And I just thought, what have I done, but it got better. 122 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,800 So let me fast forward a little bit. 123 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:06,940 I finished school, I got a job, I met a woman who I would eventually get married to. 124 00:08:06,940 --> 00:08:09,920 We bought a house. 125 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:15,080 We adopted two children and I was doing all the things that I wanted to do in life. 126 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:20,960 I had a job that paid me well, I was able to buy a house, I had a family, but I was 127 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:24,260 just not happy. 128 00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:26,000 Nothing made me happy. 129 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,200 And I couldn't understand it. 130 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:32,120 I would look at my friends and other people and I would think, what do they have that 131 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,440 I don't have? 132 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:38,140 And when I got here and I heard somebody say for the first time, they felt like they didn't 133 00:08:38,140 --> 00:08:41,600 get the rule book to life or the guidebook to life. 134 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,520 I thought that was like a light bulb. 135 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:44,520 That's how I felt. 136 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:49,600 I felt like everybody else knew how to do life except for me. 137 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:56,480 And for me that I think that showed up most, it was in relationships, it was friendships. 138 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,920 I never felt like I could make that connection. 139 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:02,560 I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. 140 00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:08,240 When I left Indiana, before I was in California, I was constantly moving. 141 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:13,140 Indiana, go to Europe for a year, go back to Indiana, go to Washington DC for a year, 142 00:09:13,140 --> 00:09:17,740 back to Indiana, back to Washington, back to Indiana, California. 143 00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:22,240 And I would say, sometimes I would just say out loud, well, I have to do that because 144 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:23,580 I have to shake things up. 145 00:09:23,580 --> 00:09:25,400 I need something different in my life. 146 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:28,560 I was always looking for something. 147 00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:35,440 So I get here, life is, our social life just revolved around drinking everything. 148 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:38,280 It was, we go camping, we would drink. 149 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,600 We would go fishing, we would drink. 150 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:45,640 We would go to the bars on the weekend, then kids come along and that changes, you know, 151 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:49,000 you can't do that anymore, you can't have as many parties. 152 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:54,560 So what I started doing then was get the kids in bed, the wife would go to bed, and I would 153 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:58,720 drink and I would stay up, I would wait for everybody to go to bed and I'd drink. 154 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:02,800 And then in the morning to deal with that, lots and lots of coffee, coffee all day long. 155 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:03,960 And I never missed work. 156 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:09,360 I always showed up, I never drank at work, but as the day would go on, I would start 157 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:14,280 thinking about when I get off, well, is it time yet, I want to get home, I want to have 158 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,760 a drink, do I need to stop at the store on the way? 159 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:24,520 I was a big wine drinker in the beginning because if you drink wine, you're not an alcoholic. 160 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:29,320 And I could get wine at Bond's, so I'd go to Bond's, and then the next day I'd like, 161 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:34,480 well, I was at Bond's yesterday, I'll go get Trader Joe, and then after Trader, the next 162 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:39,040 day I would go to Pavilion because, you know, the checkers don't want to see me every day. 163 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:43,060 And then when I would go to the store to get the wine, I would have to have something else 164 00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:44,400 in that little basket, right? 165 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:51,660 I can't just go to the wine, I got to maybe, oh, we need dish soap, I can get that. 166 00:10:51,660 --> 00:10:54,320 So throw something else in there. 167 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:58,820 And then it would be even better if I would drive up, pull up to the house, and there 168 00:10:58,820 --> 00:11:03,620 would be no cars there, nobody else home, just me, because then I could start drinking 169 00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:04,620 immediately. 170 00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:07,960 If there were cars there, it's like, I know I'm going to be looked at, I know I'm going 171 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,680 to be judged, and I don't want that to happen. 172 00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:18,020 And then I started to feel sick and tired, and I knew that it was probably the alcohol, 173 00:11:18,020 --> 00:11:23,360 so I would say, okay, I'm going to stop, I'm going to stop because I want to feel better 174 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:24,360 physically. 175 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:29,000 And I would go one day without drinking, and I'd be like, oh, look at you, good job, and 176 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,000 you can do it. 177 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:33,340 And then the next day, I would feel worse. 178 00:11:33,340 --> 00:11:38,640 And I didn't understand that, how can I feel worse if alcohol is the problem, and I'm not 179 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:41,520 drinking and I feel worse, I'm going to drink. 180 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,280 And so it would last one day at the most. 181 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:50,040 And then when I heard it, the first time I heard chapter three read at a meeting and 182 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:55,640 the switching from scotch brandy, I was like, oh, my God, that was me. 183 00:11:55,640 --> 00:12:00,920 I was like, I could drink wine because I'm not an alcoholic if I drink wine, and I loved 184 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,600 red wine, but then I would get really bad headaches. 185 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:08,640 And I'd say, well, it's the sulfites in the red wine, so let me switch to white wine. 186 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,200 And then the white wine, I would get horrible hangovers and feel sick. 187 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,040 It's like, well, it's too much sugar in the white wine. 188 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:21,140 So then I would switch to scotch, but I couldn't leave scotch out on the kitchen counter. 189 00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:26,740 So I would put it up behind all the cleaning products right on the top shelf in the kitchen. 190 00:12:26,740 --> 00:12:31,320 And there was one day when I had to get a step stool to get up there and I got the step 191 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,280 stool out and I'm pulling the bottle down. 192 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:39,540 My daughter, who was probably 13 at the time, walked in the kitchen and sees me and she 193 00:12:39,540 --> 00:12:40,880 just rolls her eyes. 194 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:41,880 Oh, God. 195 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:46,840 And I poured myself a glass, you know, I just I kept doing it. 196 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,000 And so, yeah. 197 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:54,820 So this cycle drink coffee, drink coffee when I thought maybe maybe I've got a problem. 198 00:12:54,820 --> 00:13:00,680 So one day I my medical insurance was Kaiser and back then you could just walk into their 199 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:03,680 chemical dependency unit and they would see you. 200 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:08,840 And I walked in and and I had an appointment with the counselor and sat down with him. 201 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:13,380 He said, well, you know, my experience, the people who have the most success in recovery 202 00:13:13,380 --> 00:13:16,320 or are those who take charge of their own recovery. 203 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:21,120 And I just thought, well, if I could do that, I don't need you. 204 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,080 And I never went back. 205 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:27,040 And now I know it's like because I didn't want to stop drinking, I didn't want to take 206 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,040 charge. 207 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,040 I didn't want to stop. 208 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:35,460 And the other thing I remember hearing when I got here was once a pickle, never a cucumber 209 00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:36,460 again. 210 00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:42,120 And I think I think as I look back at my drinking there, I probably could have stopped somewhere 211 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,720 along the line and not become a pickle. 212 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,400 But if I really think about it, why would I stop? 213 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,680 I didn't want to. 214 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,840 I love the effect so much. 215 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:56,660 So I know maybe I could have stopped at one point, but at some point, I definitely know 216 00:13:56,660 --> 00:14:00,760 I crossed the line and I it was beyond my control by that point. 217 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:04,860 So what happened was two things happened. 218 00:14:04,860 --> 00:14:13,880 First was my wife got cancer and I was pretty much her caregiver and she died after like 219 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:21,000 three and a half years after her diagnosis and being caregiver, still going to work. 220 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:27,160 Two kids who are now they were both approaching 20 at that point. 221 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:30,280 They were older, but they were still living in my house. 222 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:32,960 Yeah, I remember thinking. 223 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:38,240 I remember thinking at one point, you know, when she dies, I'm going to be free. 224 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:41,880 This is the person who was my partner for 31 years. 225 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,680 And we raised two kids together. 226 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:48,320 And my thinking in the end is when she dies, I'll be free. 227 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:52,340 And what that meant to me was I'll be able to drink the way I want to drink because she 228 00:14:52,340 --> 00:14:58,520 well, while she partied with me in the beginning, we were big social drinkers, partiers at some 229 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,760 point, she stopped. 230 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:04,680 She's one of those in the big book, they talk about those heavy drinkers who if they have 231 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:06,040 a reason, they can stop. 232 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,040 And she stopped. 233 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:11,440 And she, I always felt like, oh, she's looking over my shoulder. 234 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,240 I can't drink the way I want to drink. 235 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:19,920 And I had these fantasies of I will get on Amtrak and I'll take Amtrak and go up the 236 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:25,640 coast, sit in that observation deck, have my bottle of wine, have my book, look at the 237 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:29,920 beautiful scenery and travel and life will be great. 238 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:33,520 And the reality was I traveled as far as my couch. 239 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:37,320 I had the bottle of wine, no book, the television. 240 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:43,000 And I just sat on the couch and I drank every night and I would watch, I think at that point 241 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,800 it was Game of Thrones I was watching. 242 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:50,800 And the next morning I would have to go and look and see how much alcohol was left. 243 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,980 Do I need to go to the store? 244 00:15:52,980 --> 00:15:57,480 And the next night I'd sit down, turn on Game of Thrones and I'd have to rewind and go back 245 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:01,360 to the beginning of the episode because I had no clue what happened. 246 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,960 I couldn't remember what happened in the episode. 247 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,960 And that was my big freedom. 248 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,400 And it was pretty miserable. 249 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,960 But I was still getting up and I was going to work every day. 250 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:14,840 And I was fortunate because I was pretty good at what I did. 251 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:18,160 I had a boss who liked me. 252 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:23,600 And when the day came when, yeah, and I was going to work irritable and discontent and 253 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:28,480 hung over and none of that makes you a good coworker or employee. 254 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:32,320 And I crossed the line at work and I knew that I was in trouble. 255 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:41,360 And I was close to, at that point I was 59 and I wanted to retire at 64. 256 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:47,360 And I thought, I went home on a Friday evening and I thought, I have just asked myself, I'm 257 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:48,600 going to be out of a job. 258 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,160 I'm going to lose my pension. 259 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:51,800 I'm going to lose everything. 260 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:56,400 And I got home and I looked in the mirror and I just was, I thought, who are you? 261 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,400 What has happened? 262 00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,200 And I felt completely just dead inside. 263 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,480 And my two kids were still living with me. 264 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:07,640 I knew that my daughter was in her bedroom drinking and knew that my son was in his bedroom 265 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:08,920 smoking weed. 266 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:15,040 And here I was about to lose my job, lose my reputation, lose everything. 267 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:16,760 And I needed some help. 268 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:22,140 And I think I didn't know it at the time, but I think I did step one at that point. 269 00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:23,920 It's like, I can't do this anymore. 270 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:24,920 I give up. 271 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:25,920 I surrender. 272 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:32,500 Back up a little bit, but three months before that I had driven down to San Diego, picked 273 00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:38,400 up my daughter from her dorm room, cleaned out all of her stuff, loaded it in a car and 274 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:43,640 drove her back to South Pasadena because she had gotten in a fistfight with one of her 275 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:49,080 roommates because she was drinking, her drinking was completely out of control. 276 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,440 And I was all panicked about what am I going to do about my daughter? 277 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:56,240 And I started going to Al-Anon meetings and I would drive to the Al-Anon meeting and I'd 278 00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:03,260 be sitting in the parking lot with my Starbucks coffee cup filled with wine, drinking the 279 00:18:03,260 --> 00:18:06,240 wine just so I could go into the Al-Anon. 280 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:12,920 And it didn't take too long before I started to think, maybe I'm in the wrong meeting. 281 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,240 Maybe I should be checking out the AA meetings. 282 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:18,920 But that didn't happen until I was desperate. 283 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,320 And my job situation was part of that desperation. 284 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:26,560 And I called my boss on a Saturday and he's like looking at his phone like, why are you 285 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,060 calling me on a Saturday? 286 00:18:28,060 --> 00:18:33,640 And I told him what had happened at work and I said, I need to take a little leave. 287 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,120 And he said, okay. 288 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:42,360 And I went back to that Kaiser chemical dependency unit, this time with my doctor scheduling 289 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:43,360 it. 290 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:50,240 And I did their outpatient program and I don't remember a lot about that outpatient treatment 291 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:55,440 other than the first day I walked in and somebody who'd been there for a while, they did meetings 292 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,440 every morning. 293 00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,960 It was like an AA, well it wasn't, but it was a meeting every morning. 294 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:03,480 And this one guy looks at me and he goes, oh, sweetheart, it gets better. 295 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:04,920 And I needed to hear that. 296 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,240 I needed to know it would get better. 297 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:11,160 And because in the beginning it was really hard. 298 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,360 It was really hard. 299 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:16,280 I was counting days, counting days. 300 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:21,400 And the idea that this was forever was like, I couldn't accept that idea that I could never 301 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:22,400 drink again. 302 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:23,520 Alcohol was my best friend. 303 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,960 I could not imagine giving it up. 304 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:29,360 And I thought, okay, I'm just here to get the heat off at work. 305 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:33,160 I get things straightened out, then vacation's going to come. 306 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:35,280 I can drink, I'll retire. 307 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:41,440 I can drink and somebody said to me, well, don't think about that far ahead. 308 00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:44,080 Don't think about when you retire just for today. 309 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:45,820 Can you not take a drink today? 310 00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:47,920 And I said, yeah, that I can do. 311 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:53,880 And it was really one of those AA cliches, but it's like, it's how I had to do it one 312 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,000 day at a time. 313 00:19:55,000 --> 00:20:00,000 And I was, but I was still convinced at that point that, you know, later on I'm going to 314 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,000 drink again. 315 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:05,320 So the outpatient program ends and they say, go to an AA meeting, go to meetings. 316 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:12,360 And I, so I Googled meetings near me and there was one just a mile from my house. 317 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:14,920 And then I was kind of terrified. 318 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:21,320 I kind of dreamed that night that I go to this meeting and I walk in and I see an empty 319 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:25,800 chair and I head for the chair and some woman would throw her purse on it or somebody else 320 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:26,800 would sit down. 321 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:27,800 Yeah. 322 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,920 So I get there and there was a greeter. 323 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:35,520 So if you're a greeter, like wonderful people who greeted me tonight, like, thank you. 324 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:36,520 She said, are you new? 325 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:37,520 And I said, yeah. 326 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,560 And she said, come here, you're going to sit next to me. 327 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:44,640 She took me in and she's, she had her stuff on one chair and she said, you sit here. 328 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,900 And then during the meeting, she explained things that were going to happen. 329 00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:52,600 And she said, and at that time at this meeting, they don't do it anymore, but at that time 330 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:59,400 when you're reading chapter three and it says the delusion that we can somehow someday drink 331 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,800 again, you know, it has to be smashed. 332 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,880 She said, there's going to be a loud noise in a moment. 333 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:08,160 Everybody stomped that wooden floor and it shook the room. 334 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:09,440 And I love that. 335 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:14,400 I love that because it's like I could, it was this physical connection to that, you 336 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,560 know, smashing that delusion. 337 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:22,440 And I, I still today, they don't, somebody complained, I guess, I don't know, but so 338 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:30,920 I still kind of just lightly stopped so I can feel it inside of me and then they said, 339 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:34,160 you know, if you're new, stand up and tell us your name. 340 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:38,040 And at that point, those are the kinds of things that I would never do. 341 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:43,560 I would never do, but for whatever reason I did, I stood up and I said my name and there 342 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:45,600 was this woman sitting right in front of me. 343 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:49,200 She turns around, sticks her hand out, shakes my hand, says, welcome. 344 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:52,600 And then after the meeting, she asked me, do you have a sponsor? 345 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:53,880 And I said, well, how do I get a sponsor? 346 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,040 And she said, well, I'll be your temporary sponsor. 347 00:21:56,040 --> 00:22:01,040 And then she wrote down Rose city speaker meeting Thursday, meet me at this meeting 348 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,720 at seven 30. 349 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:07,600 And that's, again, one of those things that I would like, no, I'm not going to do that. 350 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:11,240 I mean, I looked how far it was, it's like, you're going to have to drive 23 minutes to 351 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:12,240 get there. 352 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:15,920 I don't want to do that, but I think I was just struck willing. 353 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:19,680 I don't know where the willingness came from, but I'm so grateful. 354 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:20,680 It did. 355 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:26,600 And I went and she became my sponsor and she got me a big book and she said, write your 356 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,160 sobriety date on the inside of this cover. 357 00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:34,600 And you never have to have another sobriety date again, hold on to that date. 358 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:39,840 And in the beginning I started making my, my big book, I've got tally marks for every 359 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:45,840 day and kind of like, you know, when you're in prison, they never because I'm so all 360 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:48,520 because that's kind of how it felt in the beginning. 361 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:54,300 And and I, I felt kind of like a fraud, you know, they would read the traditions and that 362 00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:59,560 tradition three, the only requirement for membership is a desire to start, stop drinking. 363 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:03,480 I still wanted to drink, so I must not be doing this right. 364 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,040 Or I shouldn't be here cause I still want to drink. 365 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:07,600 And then I got reassured. 366 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,140 It's like, no, that's, that's normal. 367 00:23:10,140 --> 00:23:11,440 That's the disease. 368 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:18,440 And if there's just 51% of you that wants sobriety, that's enough, you know, you don't 369 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:24,040 have to worry about the 49% of you that still wants to drink, just keep coming back. 370 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:28,620 And there was one meeting where they, they would say, and I would keep coming back. 371 00:23:28,620 --> 00:23:32,360 And you know, I really believed it from those people at that meeting. 372 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:36,000 I didn't kind of always feel it, but at that meeting I did. 373 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,200 And I, I needed that. 374 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,660 I needed to feel like I belong somewhere. 375 00:23:39,660 --> 00:23:42,960 And then somebody said, well, you need to get a commitment at this meeting. 376 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:50,480 And I was like, I'm just, I'm showing up, I'm showing up and you want me to volunteer. 377 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:56,720 And when, and I was like, but again, I said, yes, and I did it so contrary to my normal 378 00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,040 way of being. 379 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,880 And that was that first meeting that I had gone to. 380 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:05,480 And when I went into that meeting the first time, everybody was smiling, laughing and 381 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:10,480 hugging and talking all those things that I wanted in life, but I didn't have. 382 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:14,020 And I looked at them and I thought, oh, they've all got history. 383 00:24:14,020 --> 00:24:16,520 There's no way I do not belong here. 384 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,960 I don't stand a chance. 385 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:21,000 They're they already, they're a clique. 386 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:22,000 They know each other. 387 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,720 They've got, but what I did was I took that coffee commitment. 388 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:27,840 I had to get there an hour and a half before the meeting. 389 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:31,960 This was a big speaker meeting at that time with a break. 390 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:34,880 And so, and we made tons of coffee. 391 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:40,020 And then at the break, I had to serve the coffee and I'm telling you, it only took one 392 00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:43,380 or two weeks and I felt like I belonged in that group. 393 00:24:43,380 --> 00:24:48,640 So commitments, commitments are a good thing, you know, if you don't have one, get one. 394 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,840 I strongly recommend, okay. 395 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:59,860 So my daughter, I was maybe 40 days sober and I went home and my daughter was still 396 00:24:59,860 --> 00:25:03,280 drinking and she had a six pack of beer in the fridge. 397 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:06,640 And I said, and I'm trying to like set boundaries, right? 398 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:10,800 And so I go and I say, okay, you know what, I can't have any alcohol in my house. 399 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,080 Please get rid of the beer. 400 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,720 You get a drink, go do it someplace else. 401 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:18,880 She opens the fridge, takes out the six pack, she hands it to me and she says, you can have 402 00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:19,880 it. 403 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:20,880 I don't want it. 404 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:23,040 And I thought, you don't want this beer. 405 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,840 Why do you not want this beer? 406 00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,240 And she said, why do people not drink? 407 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:30,600 And I just thought, oh God, you're pregnant. 408 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:31,680 And she was pregnant. 409 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:39,520 She was 21, hadn't completed any college, hadn't passed any of her courses. 410 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:42,840 The father was not somebody I cared for. 411 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,320 They were not married. 412 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,180 And I was like 40 days sober. 413 00:25:47,180 --> 00:25:52,760 And so immediately my head goes to, why are you doing this to me? 414 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:57,160 And a lot of expletives, but I had heard just enough in meetings. 415 00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:01,820 I had heard restraint of pen and tongue and I kept my mouth shut. 416 00:26:01,820 --> 00:26:06,600 I kept my mouth shut and I just said, well, whatever you want to do, I'm here for you. 417 00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:10,880 Went to my bedroom, shut the door, started to cry and call my sponsor. 418 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:14,200 And my sponsor said, you're going to be okay. 419 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,200 This might not be such a bad thing. 420 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:17,200 You're going to be okay. 421 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,880 And I'm like, you don't know. 422 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,080 You don't know. 423 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:28,480 But she stopped drinking from that point on and she did not drink her whole pregnancy. 424 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,740 And it was like getting my daughter back. 425 00:26:31,740 --> 00:26:32,740 It was wonderful. 426 00:26:32,740 --> 00:26:36,480 It was like she, this was a kid who said, I'm going to be the 27 club. 427 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,440 I'm not going to live past 27. 428 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:40,080 I've got nothing to live for. 429 00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:41,520 And now she had a purpose. 430 00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:43,040 She had something to live for. 431 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:44,440 And she had this kid. 432 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:51,720 And so I got to be there sober and experience the birth of my first grandchild and having 433 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:58,520 a baby in the house and, and then about baby was about two months old. 434 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:02,800 And I noticed she was starting to pump the breast milk and save it. 435 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:08,960 And I started figuring, Oh, she's figured out she can drink pump, dump it out. 436 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:13,520 And she was, and then three months she just switched to formula because that was too much 437 00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:14,520 work. 438 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:18,640 And at four months she was drinking again in my house pretty regularly. 439 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:22,080 And so I said, you know what, this is a sober house. 440 00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:25,800 If you are going to stay here, and I probably would do this. 441 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:31,240 I don't know if I do the same anymore, but I said if you want to stay here, you have 442 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:32,720 to go to meetings with me. 443 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:33,880 And she laughed. 444 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:36,900 She laughed in my face and she said, I'm not going to do that. 445 00:27:36,900 --> 00:27:42,240 And she packed up the baby, packed up the boyfriend, packed up her car and drove away. 446 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:45,200 And for three days I didn't know where she was. 447 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:49,400 And I was really terrified for this, mostly for the baby. 448 00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:51,440 I was really terrified. 449 00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:57,160 And it was a Tuesday night, three days, I'm on the couch and I want to drink. 450 00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:00,640 Not because I want to drink, but I want to obliterate. 451 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:06,320 And I thought it's Tuesday night, I've got the cookie commitment, a day at a time meeting, 452 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:07,920 I have to go to my meeting. 453 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:12,240 And I got up off the couch and I stopped at the store and I bought the cookies and I went 454 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:13,240 to the meeting. 455 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:17,520 And by the time I got home from the meeting, I didn't feel like obliterating anymore. 456 00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:18,520 I didn't. 457 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:24,280 And, and I went to bed and around midnight, I hear the front door open and she came home. 458 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:28,680 And if I had chosen to drink that night, I would have ruined everything. 459 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:35,080 I mean, one, my sobriety and two, she would have come home to that old familiar scene 460 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:39,120 of me passed out on the couch with bottles all around. 461 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:42,840 And, but she didn't, she didn't come home to that scene. 462 00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:46,740 And in the morning she came and she said, I'm sorry, where are those meetings you want 463 00:28:46,740 --> 00:28:47,740 me to go to? 464 00:28:47,740 --> 00:28:53,080 And, I wish I could say that those meetings stuck, they did not stick. 465 00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:56,200 She went to probably half a dozen. 466 00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:59,920 But she's, she's not sober today. 467 00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:06,080 And I worry a lot, but, you know, she knows, she knows where to come if she wants, if she 468 00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:08,280 wants to stop, she knows where to come. 469 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:13,560 So what I learned from that was, number one, commitments can save lives. 470 00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:19,920 And number two is when you get in those feelings, when I get in that feeling of just overwhelming 471 00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:23,240 life sucks, it's never going to get any better. 472 00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:24,240 It passes. 473 00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,040 It, the feeling passed. 474 00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,240 All I had to do was wait it out. 475 00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:31,160 So commitments and meetings. 476 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:33,400 What else do I want to say? 477 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:38,140 So for me, when I came in, yeah, see, I went on too long. 478 00:29:38,140 --> 00:29:42,560 And then I'm not looking at these lights, so you might just have to pull me off because 479 00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:45,080 I will probably miss the lights completely. 480 00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:50,700 But I just want to say that I think these steps are miraculous. 481 00:29:50,700 --> 00:29:53,640 It's crazy to me how they work. 482 00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:54,640 One minute. 483 00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:55,640 Okay. 484 00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:58,400 Now I see a light. 485 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:00,160 Steps for me are not one and done. 486 00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:04,360 The steps I have to do daily, I have to do this whole thing daily. 487 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:10,200 One of the things that my sponsor tells me all the time is read pages 84 to 88 in the 488 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:11,200 big book. 489 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,800 She would tell me that in the beginning and she would ask me, did you read it today? 490 00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:15,200 And I go, not yet. 491 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:16,200 Did you read it today? 492 00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:17,200 Not yet. 493 00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:22,000 But those pages have offered me the most guidance and the most help. 494 00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:23,320 And I don't start at 86. 495 00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:28,400 I started at 84 because it's got that little part in there about we're not cured. 496 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:30,360 We just have a daily reprieve. 497 00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:34,640 And it's a contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. 498 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:36,940 And that's something I have to work on every day. 499 00:30:36,940 --> 00:30:37,940 I've got to pray. 500 00:30:37,940 --> 00:30:38,940 I've got to meditate. 501 00:30:38,940 --> 00:30:40,680 I've got to do the readings. 502 00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:42,200 I don't do it perfectly. 503 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:48,340 I will open up my daily reflection and I'll see, oh, the date was two days ago. 504 00:30:48,340 --> 00:30:53,760 No wonder I'm feeling irritable and discontent, but when I get back into it, I'm okay. 505 00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:58,340 So it's not okay for me to coast because if I coast, I backslide. 506 00:30:58,340 --> 00:31:00,320 So thank you for listening me. 507 00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:02,660 Thank you for having me.