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 Hey guys, Kurt Saks, alcoholic.

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 So grateful to be clean and sober tonight and in a meeting, upright in this condition.

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 I want to thank some of my friends for coming out to hang out with me here tonight.

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 I also want to thank your secretary for asking me to come out and share a little bit about

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 my spiritual development.

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 I want to wish Nate a happy birthday, 43, huh?

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 Wow.

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 Yeah, I mean it all kind of happened for me right here, but I didn't grow up here.

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 I grew up in Northeast Philly, which is not really, it's measurably different than Reseda.

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 And I grew up to two parents that love me, you know, and I'm loathe to talk about alcoholism

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 at all without talking to you a little bit about how it was before I took a drink.

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 Because I, like Nate, really believe that my alcoholism kind of lied in wait for me.

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 I really believe that I was never really right.

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 It was just something always not right about me.

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 In fact, you know, when I started to hear the words and the language of Alcoholics Anonymous

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 years ago, you know, in that first part where it talks about, you know, our nature being

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 restless, irritable, and discontent, I understood that at a very deep level and I understood

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 it before I ever took a drink.

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 In fact, the truth is, is that I lived my life in a state of restlessness, irritability,

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 and discontent.

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 You know, from the time I can remember, I just feel like I was born that way, you know.

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 So consequently, anything that would change the way I felt was really welcome in my life.

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 You know, my parents love me, I have a sister, you know, 100% my sister and we're nothing

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 really alike.

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 I mean, we look exactly alike, but you know, we don't drink alike, you know, we don't,

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 we don't, we never, she doesn't understand me and I don't really understand her in that

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 way.

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 While my parents really loved me growing up, they really didn't love each other and my

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 memories of my childhood were not really all that good, you know, they used to fight and

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 there was no real domestic violence back then and I lived on a street which was about as

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 wide as this room and if all the houses were attached, they were brick houses, there was

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 just enough room for a car to go down and everybody knew everybody very, very well.

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 Everybody knew everybody from blocks over, it was just a very, it was just kind of a,

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 it's interesting after being in California for a few years when I went back there, everything

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 looked so small to me, you know what I mean, whereas it didn't look that small when I was

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 growing up.

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 First thing I remember was, other than my parents fighting was, you know, I was left

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 alone a lot and my mother and my sister went out and I got hold of my father's Zippo cigarette

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 lighter and I lit myself on fire accidentally and in turn lit my house on fire and I almost

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 died that day, I was three, I burned 40% of my body, I was in a hospital for a very, very

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 long time back when, you know, there was no real burn technology and I'm telling you these

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 things about my life because I think it's important that you kind of know a little bit

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 about who I was and what had happened.

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 You know, I've been in AA a long time now and I know that everybody has a reason to

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 be ashamed of themselves, I've heard enough fifth steps to know that, you know, maybe

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 you were the kid that stuttered or you were a fat chick or you were the one that went

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 to bed until you were 40, I don't know, you know, you stuttered, this one did that, everybody's

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 got a reason and for me, I carried a lot of scars, you know, on my body, I had scars on

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 my face and my arms, my chest and it was humiliating for me and I grew up in a neighborhood, not,

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 I mean, most neighborhoods were like this but kids were not kind to me and I was ridiculed

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 a lot and I was bullied a lot and I kind of thought I was a coward because I really didn't

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 kind of grow up, you know, wanting to hurt people, you know, and I just didn't really

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 understand anything, I mean, I was four years old and I remember this very, very well.

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 You know, I don't know if this has anything to do with my restless irritability or discontentedness,

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 I don't know if it has anything to do with, you know, why I became alcoholic but I do

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 know this, it had a lot to do with how I felt about myself as a human being, you know, and

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 I did not feel good about myself as a human being.

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 My mother and father got divorced at, I was probably seven and I was grateful that they

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 did because of the way that they used to fight, you know, and I should probably say this too,

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 you know, I felt a little ashamed, you know, because everybody felt guilty about what happened

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 to me as a baby so they were kind of like, they were kind of like raising me with kind

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 of kid gloves, you know, and yet my sister took every beating that I ever deserved, you

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 know, I mean, I would cry listening to my sister get beat because I grew up in a time

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 where the kids got beat, you know, I mean, it's just the way it was, you know, and I'm

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 not completely in disagreement with that either, I mean, I have five kids today and I kind

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 of know a little bit about what it takes to raise kids but I will say that I felt very,

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 very bad about that, you know, my folks got divorced, my mother was one of us and my father

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 was not, my mother had a very bad drug problem back then, Xanax used to be called Valium

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 and my mother used to really, really like the Valium along with all the other downers

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 and, you know, once my father left there was not a whole lot of supervision going on and

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 I pretty much just ran around, did what I wanted to do and I got in trouble, you know,

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 I got in a lot of trouble, I got to hang out with the older kids back then and, you know,

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 the bridge that went to New Jersey was 15 minutes from my house and back when I was

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 growing up you only had to be 18 years old to get served alcohol and you could buy and

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 drink 24 hours a day in New Jersey back then, so, you know, needless to say, you know, the

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 14 and the 15 year old kids were bringing back alcohol and I started to drink at a very,

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 very early age along with taking mom's Valium and I have to say that it was magical for

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 me, I mean, the first time that I experienced what a drink were two or three would do, it

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 was a cathartic experience for me, it was one of the greatest things that really ever

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 happened to me in my life, you know, I will say this too, you know, just relating to the

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 language of the big book again, prior to ever drinking, you know, not only did I have the

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 irritability and the restlessness and the discontentedness and not only did I not feel

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 like you looked like you felt, I didn't feel like I didn't feel like I was experiencing

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 my life the way all the kids were experiencing their life, but when I read the part about

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 being bodily and mentally different from our fellows, you know, I thought about all scars

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 on my body, you know what I mean, and I thought I am different from my fellows, I've always

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 been different from my fellows, I never felt like okay in that, you know, the language,

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 you know, you know, what's really interesting is that, you know, I read these words in 1981,

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 you know, and I've always been fairly intelligent, like I can assimilate information, I know

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 how to read and I, you know, I can think and they applied to me every bit of it, but I

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 could not, I could not sober up in 1981, but I started to become the Alcoholics Anonymous

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 in 1981, I was 17 in 1981, you know, by the time I was 17, I had been in California now

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 for about five years, four years, five years and when I got to California it was like 1975,

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 I had already been in a boy's home for two years because my mother was unable to, you

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 know, she's kind of unfit to take care of me and by the time I was 14 years old, I kind

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 of felt like an adult, I mean, I honestly, I don't feel any more growing up today than

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 I did then, you know what I mean, I was able to take care of myself, you know, I was able

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 to, you know, not in a way that society thought that I should, but that didn't really matter

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 for me, you know, and I want to say that I found you guys, you know, I was always really

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 able to find you people, I was always able to find my people, you know what I mean, wherever

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 I went and when I got here I found you guys, I grew up, like I said, in Northeast Philly,

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 in the streets, there was no mountains, there was no lakes, there was no, there was a lot

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 of concrete and steel where I grew up, you know, if you ever watched the movie A Bronx

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 Tale, it's pretty indicative of where and when I grew up, you know, and I got here and

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 my father owned a bar in Canyon Country and back in 1975, I mean, Canyon Country was like

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 a lot of wide open spaces, you know what I mean, we lived in a trailer behind a bar which

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 was perfect for me because I like to drink, you know, and I went, they put me in a school

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 called Mint Canyon Elementary School and kids were like riding their horses to school.

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 This was really screwing me up very well that, you know, I have no idea about horses or any

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 of this, you know what I mean, and I'm thinking, this is like, it was like the Twilight Zone

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 for me, I didn't know what I was going to do, you know, and I didn't fit in, I didn't

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 measure up, I, you know, by the time I was 14, though, I learned one thing, I learned

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 how to fight, I learned how to fight because I got really tired at some point and just

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 lost my mind and just, you know, the bully just got the best of me and, you know, by

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 the time I was 14, you know, I could use these, you know what I mean, and I'm not really proud

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 of that, you know, but it changed a little bit of the trajectory in my life and I wasn't

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 as scared as I once was, you know, and, you know, by the time I was in California a year,

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 cocaine was the big thing and I was drinking all the time, I lived behind a bar, I learned

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 how to shoot pool with a lot of the, you know, illegal people that were here and I just,

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 I really kind of enjoyed that whole environment at 14 and, you know, I acquired a pretty big

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 debt to the cocaine dealer, I'm not a guy that believes that drugs is an outside issue

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 in Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't want to say that right now, I don't believe that it's

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 an outside issue, I believe my sexual orientation is an outside issue in Alcoholics Anonymous

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 and I believe my political preferences are an outside issue, I believe who I pray to

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 is probably an outside issue, I believe who I sleep with is an outside issue and I believe

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 what I do for a living is probably an outside issue but I don't think drugs are an outside

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 issue, so, and this is a pretty good part of my story so I'm going to share about it.

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 I had a $6,000 debt to the cocaine dealer by the time I was 14 years old and by the

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 time I was 15 years old I was carrying a gun everywhere I went looking for a way to pay

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 off the drug addiction that I had, by the time I was 15 years old it would look like

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 I decided to not go to school, not get an education, it would look like I made a choice

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 to not have a girlfriend, it would look like I made a choice to not pursue sports or music

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 or any of these things that I was really pretty good at, you know, gratefully I have to say,

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 you know, I was always kind of pretty good at everything I ever was passionate about,

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 I was just never excellent at anything because I had a preoccupation and I really just really

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 loved to drink and I really loved to, you know, put drugs in my body, you know, it almost

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 took away every other choice that I had, you know, a lot of people will speak in Alcoholics

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 Anonymous about, you know, how the recovered or how, you know, I choose this or I chose

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 that and I didn't experience it that way, you know, I don't really feel like I had

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 much of a choice in any of it, it happened the way that it happened and if I could have

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 stopped drinking at 17 I would have, I should have, I was every bit the alcoholic at 17

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 and I was at 23, I just couldn't and consequently, you know, I mean, I started to go to jails,

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 I wasn't really able to hold a job, I quit high school, I never finished high school,

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 I went in the military, I got in trouble in the military, I got in trouble everywhere

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 I went because of my drinking, I got in trouble everywhere I went, nothing turned out cool,

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 I didn't have any success in my life at all on any level with relationships, with anything

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 until I came to you good people and even before I got sober, when I came to you good people,

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 it felt like a safe and good and okay place for me to be and consequently, you tolerated

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 me as a guest in your rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, you tolerated me, I come in here

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 and I would bring all of my lack of etiquette and all of my disrespect and all of my ways

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 you know, that I learned out there through my childhood which I just told you about into

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 your rooms and I would do the same thing here as I always did out there, you guys were always

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 kind enough to feed me, give me cigarettes, y'all smoked back then, you know, I could

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 borrow $20, I get high in your bathrooms, I did nothing but disrespect Alcoholics Anonymous

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 and the whole time I was doing that for the most part, you people were always really,

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 really good to them.

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 I can't say I've never been thrown out of AA because I have and I deserve it, you know,

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 but back then, they'd follow you out and they'd say, look, don't go too far, man, we really

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 want to help you, you just can't do that in our meeting and I would say something like,

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 don't worry, I'm living right there by that trash can, I'm going to be back on the very

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 interesting meeting, you know, which, you know, by the time, you know, after going to,

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 you know, countless jails and hospitals many times, Tarzana Treatment Center, you mentioned,

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 you know, I remember Tarzana Treatment Center when it was a mental hospital, you know, and

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 the whole back part of it was dirt, right and they had a big Wednesday meeting there,

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 I'm going back many, many years, you know, they used to have a state hospital called

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 Camarillo Mental State Hospital and I've been stitched up, I've done so many humiliating

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 things, you know, by the time, you know, I started to come to Alcoholics Anonymous, I

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 did things that I never thought that I would do, you know what I mean, a lot of them were

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 of a sexual nature, you know what I mean, but I did a lot of other bad things, but I

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 did a lot of things that caused me to carry a lot of shame about myself, you know, and

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 I wanted people to see this version of me that I wanted you to see, so I would project

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 that, you know, I would project the version of strength, you know, because that's what

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 I wanted you to see, I don't know how good I did that, but that's what I did, you know

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 what I mean, because a lot of this stuff I was never going to tell you about, I couldn't,

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 I didn't realize, I mean, somebody told me a long time ago that, you know, you're only

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 as sick as our secrets and my first response in my heart and head was, I'm pretty sick

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 then, you know, because I got some pretty big ones, you know, and at least I thought

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 I did, so I'm starting to come to AA in 1981, I got thrown out of the military, and I can

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 tell you a lot of funny stories if you want to laugh, but I'm a little exhausted tonight,

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 but I mean, I'll tell you one, I, you know, when I would drink, I would get stupid, I

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 don't know if this ever happened to you guys, but like, I was in the military in a unit

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 which was a combat oriented unit, and I was in the Marine Corps with Marines that were,

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 you know, getting ready to retire, they had already, you know, did, you know, combat in

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 Vietnam, I mean, this is how old I am, you know what I mean, and they're getting ready

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 to retire, and they were old, they were like 35 or 37, you know, I was older than you back

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 then, because I'm 17, and, you know, I was in, I was in the military, the sergeant's name

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 was Sergeant Carter, he's a black man from Alabama, and he had four purple hearts, he

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 had a bronze star, you know, but he was a sergeant, he was just a regular working guy,

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 you know, and he was in my unit, so we would hang out together, we would drink together,

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 you know, he wasn't, you know, he wasn't a company commander, he wasn't even the platoon

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 sergeant, he was just a guy finishing up his time so he could retire, but he was a war

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 hero, and I remember we were walking across the grinder and a second lieutenant which

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 maybe was 18 or 19 years old, you know, who never ever fought in his life, you could just

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 look at him and knew that, you know, but he had some kind of college, he made a stop,

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 walk over to him and do the whole salute thing, you know, they take that really serious in

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 the Marine Corps, they take the etiquette really serious, and kind of the way the Pacific

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 group takes wearing a suit and tie, you know, they take it very serious, you know, and I

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 went over there and saluted them, and then I was drunk and I went to the PX and I bought

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 myself a set of captain's bars, which outranks a second lieutenant, and I put them on and

200
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 I went, I was in the third battalion, seventh Marines, I went to the fifth battalion and

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 I started to make people salute me because I wanted to see how that felt, which was really

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 fun up until the time I came across my company commander who was there playing poker, and

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 I'll never forget that, oh, sass, you just want to promote yourself to a captain, you

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 know, and I went off to the brig, and now, let me tell you about the brig, I mean, I

205
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 don't know, I'm having fun here, you know, I got, I got another 15 minutes, you know,

206
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 the brig is an interesting place, it's not like jail, you know, they make, they have

207
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 you make, they have these big, big sheets of rock and you have a sledgehammer and gloves

208
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 and for 10 hours a day when you're doing hard labor, you break these big rocks into little

209
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 rocks, it's very, it's very, it's very intriguing to the mind, you know, and then you break

210
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 the little rocks into even smaller rocks and then you break the smaller rocks into sand

211
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 and then what you do is you shovel the sand in these sand bags, you know, and you do this

212
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 for 10 hours a day, seven days a week and you run out of rocks, don't worry about it

213
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 because there's a D4 that's going to break brand new rocks for you, you know what I mean,

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 and this is what you do, you know, that was, that got my attention.

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 In 1987, I had been homeless two years, I used to live in a park down the street here

216
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 at Woodley Park, I lived there, that was my residence and I welcomed being homeless, you

217
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 know, a lot of people are like, oh, my God, I'm homeless, I wanted to be homeless because

218
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 I could no longer answer for myself, you know, thank God there were no cell phones or pagers

219
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 back then, you know what I mean, but I, I couldn't think about having a job, I couldn't

220
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 answer a phone to have one more people ask me one more hard question, like, where are

221
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 you, you know, that's a tough question for an alcohol, well, I don't even know where

222
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 I'm at right now, to be honest with you, how are you doing, that's a wonderful question,

223
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 it's like, oh, my God, you know, you don't want to, you know, just things that you just

224
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 don't want to talk about, right?

225
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 When I was homeless, it was like, this is great, I can now, I can, my alcoholism can

226
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 now have the freedom that it needs to flourish, you know what I mean, like, I don't have to

227
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 answer for myself anymore, but in 1987, I went to another treatment center called the

228
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 care unit in West Hills Hospital and I got really, really sick, that's what happened

229
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 to me, I got really, really, really sick, I came down with 104 fever, my bowel movements

230
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 were white, my urine was red, my eyes were yellow, my liver swelled up to about 16 centimeters

231
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 big and I weighed about 140 pounds and a doctor in the intensive care unit, because the care

232
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 unit was in the hospital, told me that, you know, you might not make it, son, you know,

233
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 do you pray, do you believe in God, this is not a good thing when a doctor's asking you

234
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 this kind of thing and I prayed, I prayed my ass off because I was scared I was going

235
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 to die at 23 years old and I begged a God that I hardly believed in, but I certainly

236
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 didn't think love me because of a lot of the events of my life, but I begged him to maybe,

237
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 you know, save my life, like, I don't want to die yet, I didn't, you know, it's funny,

238
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 you know, I envisioned myself kind of a hard guy, but when it all came right down to it,

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 I was just scared, man, I just, I just, I was afraid to die and God answered my prayer,

240
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 you know what I mean, I laid down and I slept for like 20 hours and when I woke up, my liver

241
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 had shrunk back down and my fever had dropped significantly and I thought to myself, what

242
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 a coincidence, you know, this is great, you know what I mean, and this is the thought I'm

243
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 going to stop drinking, I want you to, I want you to know that, it wasn't, it wasn't, I've

244
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 never said in 38 years, you know, I'm never going to do that again, I'm never going to

245
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 drink again, I'm never going to do it, never going to, I've never said that, I always knew

246
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 that I would, you know, I always had in my, like, I know that if anybody can screw a miracle

247
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 up it would be me, I really believe that about myself and so God sent me to the hole in the

248
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 sky at Sherman Way in Topanga, I bet you know where I said, at Sherman Way in Topanga, there

249
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 used to be a big clubhouse there, a two-story AA thing and those people loved me, they tolerated

250
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 me and they took care of me and, you know, I read the words of the big book and unlike

251
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 a lot of you, I really thought that they didn't really apply to me, now I've been homeless

252
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 for two years, I've been locked up everywhere, you know what I mean, and my life is just

253
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 a disaster, I've never had one single success in my life but for some reason, I just didn't

254
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 think that the words meant what they say that they mean in the book, I read that book and

255
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 when it talked about I'm going to die or I'm delusional or when it talked about I have

256
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 to completely give myself to a simple program or when it, when it talks about telling me

257
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 how I have to tell somebody else my whole life story, you know, when it talked about,

258
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 you know, making a difference and making some changes, you know, changing my behavior, I

259
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 actually thought that it was a little drastic, you know, and I didn't do much of it but I

260
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 love the unity of AA, that's the thing and I kept coming to AA, I was homeless so it

261
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 was very easy to come to AA but I came to AA, I came to a lot of meetings, I came to

262
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 four or five meetings a day, you know, I loved AA, I still love AA, I still go to a meeting

263
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 every day in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, September the 10th, 1987 is my sobriety date

264
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 this time around, I want you to tell you, I need to tell you something right now, you

265
00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:17,340
 know, I'm a guy that really believes that my alcoholism preceded my drinking and I'm

266
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 a guy that really believes that just because I'm sober and I've been through the work and

267
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 I sponsor people and I pray and I try to do all the things that I know will make me feel

268
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 better that does not preclude me from being an ass occasionally.

269
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 I've realized and I have verified that I don't need alcohol to completely destroy my life

270
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 or yours, you know, I have verified that I don't need drugs to go to jail, I have verified

271
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 that, you know, I can untreated really create a lot of problems, you know, I learned at

272
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 some point in my life that my alcoholism and I want to share this, I mean, I don't think

273
00:19:49,860 --> 00:19:54,260
 we all have the same kind of alcoholism, I don't think that I experienced my alcoholism

274
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 the way that everybody experiences theirs nor do I feel like I experienced recovery

275
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 the way that everybody experiences recovery but I'm here to tell you about mine, you know,

276
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 and I just want to share, you know, that like it cuts a lot deeper than I drink too much

277
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 and I can't stop, I needed to get to that and I'll tell you how I got to that, when

278
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 I got here I prayed for everything I wanted, I wanted a car and I wanted a girl and I wanted

279
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 a home and I wanted a million dollars and I wanted so many things, I wanted for some

280
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 reason even though I read all this and even though I experienced life the way that I did,

281
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 I just thought to myself if I just had all of the stuff I would be okay, I just ran out

282
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 of money, I'd be alright, I really believe that at 23 and God gave me it all, God gave

283
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 me all of it and he gave it to me reasonably quick, by the time I had three and a half

284
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 years of sobriety, you know, I had everything that I thought that I needed or wanted to

285
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 make myself like a mensch in my religion, make myself a man, make myself like, I had

286
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 everything that I thought that I needed or that I would want, I had more money than I

287
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 was entitled to have and the only problem with that and I'm going over eating every

288
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 day, not really doing any step work because I can't tell you all these things that I've

289
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 done but he gave me all of that and he gave me all of that, I believe that my God gave

290
00:21:02,580 --> 00:21:08,020
 me all of that pretty quickly just so that I can verify that the true nature of my problem

291
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 is of a spiritual nature, just so I could get to the understanding that the problem

292
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 is on the inside.

293
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 You'd think that I would have learned that, I mean, I have to pour alcohol down my throat

294
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 or put drugs in my veins in order for me to change the way that I feel, you would think

295
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 that I would have grasped the fact that I got to fix something inside, I'm pouring something

296
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 inside to fix me, I didn't get that, you know, somebody gave me the analogy of you can put

297
00:21:29,660 --> 00:21:32,500
 all the lipstick on the pig that you want, you know what I mean, it's still a pig, you

298
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 know and that's, for me, that's what happened, you know what I mean and then I got all screwed

299
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 up, I had all these things and I realized that I want to die now and I'm not even a

300
00:21:40,860 --> 00:21:45,260
 suicidal guy but I just can't live like this anymore and I didn't know what to do but my

301
00:21:45,260 --> 00:21:49,320
 feet were trained and I raced over to the hole in the sky and I went in there in my

302
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:53,660
 brand new car and a suit and tie and a Rolex, I mean, I had everything, you know what I

303
00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:59,540
 mean, I went in there and the one guy in Alcoholics Anonymous, the last guy in the world you want

304
00:21:59,540 --> 00:22:03,260
 to come up to you and tell you that they can help you came up to me, only in AA this is

305
00:22:03,260 --> 00:22:07,900
 happening, the most screwed up guy, you know, he's got some dented old Plymouth, you know

306
00:22:07,900 --> 00:22:12,740
 what I mean, he's got messed up hair, he's got paint on every pair of pants that he has,

307
00:22:12,740 --> 00:22:17,140
 he's never in a meeting, he's always smoking cigarettes outside, he's all, he looks like

308
00:22:17,140 --> 00:22:20,980
 Ace Ventura that sniffed too much airplane glue, this is the guy that's going to help

309
00:22:20,980 --> 00:22:24,300
 and you want to know what, that's exactly how God works in my life, that is the guy

310
00:22:24,300 --> 00:22:29,420
 that saved my life, he took me to a place where I was able to do the steps of Alcoholics

311
00:22:29,420 --> 00:22:33,460
 Anonymous, the first eight very quickly, I sponsor men today and I take them through

312
00:22:33,460 --> 00:22:37,020
 the first eight steps very quickly, usually I got them sponsoring people in their first

313
00:22:37,020 --> 00:22:38,780
 six months of sobriety, why?

314
00:22:38,780 --> 00:22:43,260
 Because I almost died, you know, well that's why, because I know that the only help that

315
00:22:43,260 --> 00:22:49,020
 alcoholics has for anybody, especially somebody like me is to learn how to help other people,

316
00:22:49,020 --> 00:22:52,940
 you do the first eleven steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't notice it four years of

317
00:22:52,940 --> 00:22:58,140
 sobriety but I certainly know it at 38, you know, you do the first eleven steps of Alcoholics

318
00:22:58,140 --> 00:23:02,220
 Anonymous just so that you can do the twelfth step, because that's the only medicine we

319
00:23:02,220 --> 00:23:05,420
 have for you, how many times are you going to be in a meeting and you'll have a problem

320
00:23:05,420 --> 00:23:09,180
 with your wife or your kids and your sponsor will say well, you know, who are you helping?

321
00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:10,180
 How are your sponsors used to it?

322
00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:14,380
 But I got a problem with my IRS, I owe them $75,000, they want their money, yeah I get

323
00:23:14,380 --> 00:23:18,060
 that but how's Joey doing over there with his four months, you know, you don't understand

324
00:23:18,060 --> 00:23:22,220
 I hear what I just said to you, you know what I mean, but this is exactly the truth, only

325
00:23:22,220 --> 00:23:27,940
 answer we have for somebody like me, the only way I can buy my redemption for the shit that

326
00:23:27,940 --> 00:23:33,220
 I did in my life and that I'm capable of doing now, hopefully I don't, is by trying to give

327
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 this thing away and I don't mean look like I'm giving it away, because an alcoholic like

328
00:23:37,260 --> 00:23:41,540
 me can't survive like that, I actually have to do this, this has to become a lifestyle,

329
00:23:41,540 --> 00:23:45,680
 the same way my alcoholism became a lifestyle, you know, there was not alcoholism in anything

330
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:50,400
 else in my life, there was alcoholism, everything that I did was, you know, revolved around

331
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:56,580
 that, it became my lifestyle and Alcoholics Anonymous slowly, slowly became my very lifestyle,

332
00:23:56,580 --> 00:24:00,700
 it became the most important thing in my life, it still remains the most important thing

333
00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:05,060
 in my life and I've had to fight some battles around that, you know what I mean, I do have

334
00:24:05,060 --> 00:24:08,980
 five children, thank God they've never seen me drink or drug or anything like that and

335
00:24:08,980 --> 00:24:12,340
 their mothers have never seen me drink or drug or anything like that and since I've

336
00:24:12,340 --> 00:24:16,780
 been sober, you know, I've owned homes and I've sold homes and I've been around the world,

337
00:24:16,780 --> 00:24:20,580
 you know, I've done things that I can't even begin to tell you about, you know what I mean,

338
00:24:20,580 --> 00:24:27,440
 I've lost portions, you know, I've made them back, I was talking to a cat today in a meeting

339
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:33,920
 and he said I got my first car, I got my driver's license, it's got my name on the driver's license,

340
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:39,180
 I got insurance and I got tags, he's got to be 45 years old, I've never had this before

341
00:24:39,180 --> 00:24:43,940
 and I brought a tear to my eye because I remember when this all happened to me, you know, this

342
00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:49,820
 is a miracle, this is more of a miracle than, you know, whether, you know, I paid $300,000

343
00:24:49,820 --> 00:24:55,100
 in taxes last year, this is a big deal, there are some really big deals in Alcoholics Anonymous

344
00:24:55,100 --> 00:24:59,100
 and that's one of them, I've had guys call me, you know, from Africa saying I got a job

345
00:24:59,100 --> 00:25:03,760
 at Xerox, I'm in Africa, I'm making a half a million dollars a year, thank you, I met

346
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:08,500
 you when I was 18 and I had alcohol poisoning and you helped me, I had a guy graduate law

347
00:25:08,500 --> 00:25:13,840
 school when he was an IB drug user forever man and a felon, you know, he got scholarships

348
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:20,100
 into some highfalutin, you know, Georgetown Law School, I've had that happen, I've had,

349
00:25:20,100 --> 00:25:24,020
 I can't even tell you, I mean, so many different things that have happened to me, you know,

350
00:25:24,020 --> 00:25:28,700
 that I got to be a part of, this is, this is like, this is what we got for you in AA,

351
00:25:28,700 --> 00:25:33,340
 you know, I have a girlfriend currently who, you know, I love her, she's perfect, she's

352
00:25:33,340 --> 00:25:37,440
 got one little problem, she likes to drink, you know, I met her with a year, so I thought

353
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:42,340
 okay, I'm not getting a newcomer, right, she's got a year, right, we were doing good man,

354
00:25:42,340 --> 00:25:45,980
 right up until the time she took that drink, so I thought okay, I'm leaving, I'm out, I'm

355
00:25:45,980 --> 00:25:49,420
 gonna dip, I gotta go, you know what I mean and of course, I didn't because, you know,

356
00:25:49,420 --> 00:25:52,940
 I'm weak and she got sober again for another year, she drank again and I tell you all of

357
00:25:52,940 --> 00:25:57,800
 this to tell you that, you know, I have to put sobriety first, I have to put alcoholics

358
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:02,780
 anonymous first, through alcoholics anonymous, I met God, I struggle with the very concept

359
00:26:02,780 --> 00:26:08,420
 of God, I always have, I'm an agnostic through and through, I question, I seek, I've always

360
00:26:08,420 --> 00:26:12,420
 seeked and I've always questioned, I'm not a guy that believes in blind faith or that

361
00:26:12,420 --> 00:26:17,180
 Santa Claus thing, I just don't but I really, really try and if I keep AA first and I continue

362
00:26:17,180 --> 00:26:22,660
 to seek God and if I try to take care of myself, my whatever physical problems I have, making

363
00:26:22,660 --> 00:26:26,180
 sure that I have enough of whatever it is that I need, if I do all those things in that

364
00:26:26,180 --> 00:26:29,980
 order, I get to live a pretty neat life, my kids were number four, they were number four

365
00:26:29,980 --> 00:26:33,300
 in my life, I love my kids, I love my kids as much as anybody but they were number four

366
00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:36,820
 in my life and maybe if they were a number four, maybe I wouldn't be here anymore, right,

367
00:26:36,820 --> 00:26:39,700
 I'm not a guy that thinks I'm going to be able to get back here if I take a trip, you

368
00:26:39,700 --> 00:26:42,780
 know, I've buried a lot of people, I've buried a lot of people that I've had close relationships

369
00:26:42,780 --> 00:26:47,180
 with, more people than are sitting in this room, you know, alcoholism kills people, I

370
00:26:47,180 --> 00:26:52,120
 joke, I play, I have a good time, I try to wear my sobriety pretty lightly but I realized

371
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:56,060
 that, you know, it wants me dead and it'll settle for me drunk, it'll settle for me drunk,

372
00:26:56,060 --> 00:27:00,060
 I got the kind of mind that will keep telling me, you know, that I don't have it, it'll

373
00:27:00,060 --> 00:27:01,060
 tell me that.

374
00:27:01,060 --> 00:27:03,380
 There used to be a guy who would count how many times I cursed when I would get up to

375
00:27:03,380 --> 00:27:06,940
 the electrons because I didn't know how to speak, all I could do was curse, he was a

376
00:27:06,940 --> 00:27:11,260
 pharmaceutical salesman, his name was Jim Fish, maybe somebody, maybe somebody remembers

377
00:27:11,260 --> 00:27:15,240
 him, he probably had 30 years, 30 years ago, he's dead, I'm sure he's dead but he'd say

378
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:20,200
 I gotta be ever vigilant because my disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and it's

379
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:24,100
 patient and it keeps telling me that I don't have it and that's a problem because I wake

380
00:27:24,100 --> 00:27:27,220
 up in the morning and I got it, you know, I'm not a guy that wakes up happy, I actually

381
00:27:27,220 --> 00:27:31,180
 got to treat myself to get myself settled, you know, because it's been working on me

382
00:27:31,180 --> 00:27:34,260
 for six hours while I've been asleep, you know, that's what I have and there used to

383
00:27:34,260 --> 00:27:38,420
 be a guy named Ted Lewis that used to come around AA a lot, he was a big book enthusiast,

384
00:27:38,420 --> 00:27:42,300
 I love this guy, used to say look man, alcoholism, you know, you're not dealing with your mother-in-law

385
00:27:42,300 --> 00:27:46,420
 here, this is a very serious problem, you know, and he would joke but that was the truth

386
00:27:46,420 --> 00:27:49,540
 like, you know, this because he knew I hated my mother-in-law, you know what I mean, so

387
00:27:49,540 --> 00:27:53,580
 if you got alcoholism, get some help, we live to help you, if you're doing it right and

388
00:27:53,580 --> 00:27:56,980
 I'm sure in this group, you guys probably are and we live to try to help you, you know,

389
00:27:56,980 --> 00:28:00,460
 you want to go through the steps again, if my sponsor came to me and said look, I want

390
00:28:00,460 --> 00:28:03,140
 to go through the steps again, I'd say you're out of your mind, we're not going through

391
00:28:03,140 --> 00:28:06,460
 our steps again, you're going to take somebody else through the steps because that's the

392
00:28:06,460 --> 00:28:09,220
 going through the steps again and then you're going to do it again and then you're going

393
00:28:09,220 --> 00:28:11,860
 to do it again and you're going to do it until you get good at it and then you're going to

394
00:28:11,860 --> 00:28:15,180
 do it until you get great at it because that's your job in AA, if you're sitting around in

395
00:28:15,180 --> 00:28:18,860
 AA, you got 3, 4, 5, 7, 10 years and you're not doing that, I don't know what you're doing

396
00:28:18,860 --> 00:28:21,780
 in AA, I mean that's really what we're supposed to be doing, people don't like when I say

397
00:28:21,780 --> 00:28:25,180
 that but I got 38 years, I don't really care what they like, I've been doing it a lot,

398
00:28:25,180 --> 00:28:27,460
 you know what I mean, I got a little experience.

399
00:28:27,460 --> 00:28:30,980
 If you're new, I wish you a lot of luck and I hope you have a happy holiday season, I

400
00:28:30,980 --> 00:28:35,820
 hope you, I hope your dreams come true, I really do, one thing I could tell you though,

401
00:28:35,820 --> 00:28:40,580
 if you're new, you could get a brand new life that you've never even dreamed of right here

402
00:28:40,580 --> 00:28:42,040
 at Alcoholics Anonymous.

403
00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,080
 One time my kid walked in on me and I was doing a book study which I've done pretty

404
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:50,700
 much my entire life since I've been sober, my son, my other son, I got, my oldest son

405
00:28:50,700 --> 00:28:54,140
 is right there but my middle son, he's 18 and he brought a bunch of his friends home

406
00:28:54,140 --> 00:28:57,620
 for whatever reason and I got like 7 people around the table, you know what I mean, we're

407
00:28:57,620 --> 00:29:01,780
 drinking coffee and we're reading this book and the one kid's enterprise still, I don't

408
00:29:01,780 --> 00:29:05,220
 know, 18, the one kid says to the other kid, what is he doing, what is he doing, he goes

409
00:29:05,220 --> 00:29:09,300
 well he's an alcoholic, he just helps people and the one kid says to my son, he goes why

410
00:29:09,300 --> 00:29:13,520
 and my son Samuel looks at me and he goes, because that's what he does, I like the fact

411
00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:16,660
 that my kids look at me like that because they can look at me a lot of different ways,

412
00:29:16,660 --> 00:29:20,060
 I mean they don't even know half the shit that I've done, you know what I mean, but

413
00:29:20,060 --> 00:29:23,660
 they know the other half of the shit and they can say a lot of things bad about me but that's

414
00:29:23,660 --> 00:29:24,660
 how they look at me.

415
00:29:24,660 --> 00:29:28,020
 If that's the only thing I ever got from Alcoholics Anonymous, I'll settle for that, thank you

416
00:29:28,020 --> 00:29:31,020
 very much.