1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,320 - Thanks, man. I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:03,640 - Good evening, everybody. 3 00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:05,720 My name is Bart and I am an alcoholic. 4 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:06,800 - Hi, all. 5 00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:08,640 - Please tell me, could I talk a lot? 6 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:12,800 I just want to start off by thanking Abraham 7 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:16,280 and Kwak for having me here tonight. 8 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:19,600 I want to start off by thanking my higher power. 9 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,040 If I'm going to post about anything, 10 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:25,520 I'm going to post about what AA and God have done for me. 11 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:27,040 I don't put God first. 12 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:28,360 Well, I do now, 13 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:30,360 but I couldn't in early recovery 14 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:33,080 because I couldn't see myself having a higher power 15 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:34,480 unless I got sober. 16 00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:37,640 The most important thing that I could do today is stay sober 17 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:41,320 in order for me to have connection with another human being 18 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:43,920 with higher power, with God, Allah, the devil, 19 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:46,400 whatever it is, you know, anything spiritual. 20 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:48,480 So I'm blessed. 21 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:51,880 My sobriety day is May 27, 2010. 22 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:55,240 I have 15 years of sobriety, thank God. 23 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,560 I grew up, I was born and raised, 24 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:00,720 I was born in the old East LA hospital 25 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,080 where they fell blood in, blood out. 26 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,640 And I was raised in the Pico Union area 27 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:09,080 near MacArthur Park on 18th and Hoover. 28 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:13,560 And I was raised by two loving parents. 29 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:17,120 My dad is from Mexico. 30 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:20,480 My mom's from El Salvador, I'm first generation here. 31 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,120 So my first language was Spanish. 32 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,640 I was born in America, but there's a lot of confusion 33 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:26,920 trying to learn two languages as a kid. 34 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,400 And as a young baby, I remember at two, three years old, 35 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,000 I remember they're translating for my mom in the market, 36 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,680 you know, and I'm a kid. 37 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,160 I remember that as a three-year-old, you know, 38 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,080 and it was a trip, but you know, 39 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:42,000 my parents were the type that they drank at Hanukkah, 40 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:46,480 Chinese New Year, your birthday, someone's funeral, 41 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:49,480 you know, they drank more if it was misery, right? 42 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,560 But I didn't think, I didn't know about alcoholism, 43 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,280 but there was always alcohol at home. 44 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,880 And I just want to point something out 45 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,360 that I don't blame my parents for what happened to me. 46 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,400 Today I take responsibility for my actions, right? 47 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,640 That's what the step work allowed me to do, 48 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,080 see my side of the sidewalk. 49 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,320 And I'm grateful for that. 50 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,960 But there was alcohol and there was chaos at home. 51 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,840 And I grew up with spirituality. 52 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:14,520 My mom was a devoted Catholic and my dad's side of the family, 53 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,360 they were devoted after this Christian. 54 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:17,560 So I was drank everywhere. 55 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:20,840 Plus there was alcohol and chaos and they worked a lot. 56 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:22,120 They were trying to learn the language. 57 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,400 So they went to night school, they worked all day. 58 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:25,640 And I took advantage of that. 59 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:28,880 Imagine Nintendo just came out, Atari's out, 60 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:32,000 Jordan, football, baseball, all these little things. 61 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,560 Parents are always working or at night school 62 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:36,160 'cause they're trying to get their citizenship. 63 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:39,480 And so before my drinking, before my alcoholism, 64 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,720 I was already doing, like I was stealing from the purse. 65 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:44,320 I knew where they kept the red one. 66 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,040 I wanted the pair of shoes my classmate had. 67 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,360 And it started with those behaviors, 68 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,600 with the lying, the deceiving, the cheating, 69 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:53,880 the stealing, the manipulation. 70 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:56,960 And I knew that there was alcohol and liquor at home. 71 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,080 So my dad paid no attention. 72 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,760 So culturally, I didn't think I had cultural issues 73 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,560 till I got a sponsor. 74 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:07,880 I didn't believe that 'cause my role was this big, right? 75 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:11,040 And I didn't think I have cultural issues. 76 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:14,320 And now I believe that I have them as a kid 77 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,680 due to the fact that I couldn't see myself 78 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,160 out of the area where I grew up. 79 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,280 Our brother here mentioned that he went to college. 80 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,600 Where I grew up, we look forward to going to prison. 81 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,680 And not only what prison, it's what specific prison. 82 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,000 That was the mentality. 83 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,320 Every time growing up in the project, 84 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,040 you open the door, in the 80s, 85 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,600 there's nothing but gang bangers. 86 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,440 Some people hear the word gang bangers 87 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:37,480 and they perceive it as bad people. 88 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,880 Those people, they took care of me when I was out there. 89 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,680 When my mom and dad were working, 90 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,240 they would take care of me. 91 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,120 Kids didn't go missing where I grew up. 92 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,320 Those such gang bangers were the ones 93 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:48,960 that protected the neighborhood. 94 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,880 And they shaped and molded me. 95 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:52,440 And they knew that my parents worked. 96 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,640 And they knew that my dad and my mom kept alcohol at home. 97 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,680 So we would go hang out over there. 98 00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:01,080 Now at a young age, nine years old, I'm ditching school. 99 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:02,160 I'm ditching school. 100 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,480 I'll go watch Jerry Springer with my friends, 101 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,360 eat all the TV dinners, right? 102 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,920 And hang around with people that were older than me. 103 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,760 I wasn't even interested in the girls my age anymore. 104 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:12,600 Yeah. 105 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:13,720 And I'm like, man, my parents. 106 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,520 So you see the behaviors, right? 107 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,360 And I'm drinking now behind my parents. 108 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,640 When they drank, they allowed me to drink and sip 109 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:24,480 a little bit. 110 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,160 But now I'm doing it behind the back. 111 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,240 And my dad doesn't, he didn't keep track 112 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:29,680 of how many bottles we had. 113 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,920 There was always 30 packs of Budweiser. 114 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,400 Yeah, and they drank Budweiser, came to beers. 115 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,920 So they're not back then, you know? 116 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:40,080 Yeah, and they kept it by the caseload. 117 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,280 And I remember my dad got hired. 118 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:44,640 We went to go look at motorcycles in Lomita 119 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,120 at Harley-Davidson one day. 120 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,080 And I have to translate. 121 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,600 I remember building this resentment with my parents 122 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,720 'cause everywhere we went, I had to translate for them. 123 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:54,720 Kids are mean. 124 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,080 In the '80s, there was real bullies. 125 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,760 I had to deal with that. 126 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,720 I had to defend my mom's honor and my dad's honor. 127 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,840 I experienced racism at school because of it. 128 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:08,760 Kids were really mean, even some teachers. 129 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,160 I've experienced that as a kid. 130 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:14,120 So I started to have this outlook with like society 131 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:16,040 and life at an early young age. 132 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,560 And I started to build this anger and resentment 133 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,360 towards the outside. 134 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,360 And I remember me and my dad went to Harley-Davidson 135 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,560 that day, and they were fixing a bike. 136 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,680 And my dad went up to the garage and helped. 137 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,800 And I translated, and I got angry. 138 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,360 And I'm like, "Why am I feeling this one?" 139 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:32,640 But I didn't know what anger meant. 140 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:34,000 I didn't know what resentment meant 141 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,160 until I did the step work. 142 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,800 And my dad ended up walking out of there with a job 143 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,480 because he helped someone fix the bike. 144 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:43,320 So my dad was a mechanic in the Mexican army. 145 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,320 And he knows how to fix anything if he puts 146 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,240 any little thought or moment to it. 147 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,440 He was a really bright man. 148 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:52,240 He was like a handyman. 149 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,400 In Spanish, they call it al vanil, 150 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,360 like a person that could do anything. 151 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:58,600 And he was really handy with tools. 152 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:02,320 And so I remember he started working at Harley-Davidson. 153 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,480 We started to have, my parents started to have 154 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:06,560 a lot of issues at home. 155 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,280 Family were really concerned about their relationship, 156 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,840 and family would come and ask me. 157 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:12,960 Like we heard there's issues at home. 158 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,520 You could tell us what's going on. 159 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,160 I didn't really pay much attention. 160 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,920 I knew that they argued. 161 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:22,920 So an aunt of mine told me that if I had seen my dad 162 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:26,160 putting hands on my mom, I never experienced it. 163 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,800 But I did experience it. 164 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,160 It was one evening. 165 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,640 It was like October or November around there. 166 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:33,800 I was nine years old. 167 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,400 And my dad put hands on my mom in front of me 168 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,840 and my little sister at the dinner table. 169 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:39,800 They were in the kitchen. 170 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:43,960 And that was the last time my dad put his hands on my mom 171 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,560 because my mom cracked them with a skillet over his head. 172 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:51,320 And he was passed out and the cops took him. 173 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:54,680 And my family hit us for a couple months. 174 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:58,400 And then I think he started to fight for rights, 175 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,440 the legal issues, mediators and all that, 176 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:06,560 of them getting divorced and him fighting for rights 177 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:10,000 to see us within like months, 178 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,160 like let's say eight, nine months. 179 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,720 I got to see him again. 180 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,600 And by then he was living in Englewood. 181 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,760 And then I wasn't really getting in trouble. 182 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:21,800 My mom knew that I was ditching school at a young age, 183 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,600 that I had been drinking, experimenting with other stuff 184 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:25,960 that I'm not gonna mention here. 185 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,400 And hanging out with the fellows. 186 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:32,040 So my mom decided, hey, there's no gangs in Englewood. 187 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,080 So you're gonna move over there with your dad. 188 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:37,840 And I moved over there, but they were the same thing. 189 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,680 Gangs and my dad drank more. 190 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,040 And I found out that the issue that they has 191 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:45,320 because my dad had another family with other children 192 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,360 and my mom found out. 193 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:51,040 So I have a bunch of stepbrothers and sisters 194 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:51,880 because of that. 195 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,520 But I live with my stepmother and my dad, 196 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:55,880 getting more in trouble, 197 00:07:55,880 --> 00:08:00,480 not going in and out of the system through juvenile hall, 198 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:05,480 camps, placements, boys' homes with a juvenile system. 199 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,160 I got in trouble. 200 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,920 In school, something happened with me and a teacher. 201 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:15,640 With me, another student, and a teacher, something happened. 202 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,320 And I ended up getting arrested. 203 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:22,480 And I was in juvenile hall fighting a case for six months. 204 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,800 And at the end of the sentencing, 205 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,720 the judge sentenced me to deal with a psychiatrist 206 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,120 and be on meds for at least one year. 207 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,840 And I started my rounds of psychiatry and counseling, 208 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,640 and I would tell them what they wanted to hear. 209 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:35,800 I didn't understand. 210 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,280 I couldn't, due to the cultural stuff, 211 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,240 I wasn't allowed to talk about what went on at home. 212 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,200 Not with the alcoholism, not with the abuse, 213 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,360 not with the issues with my mom and my dad, nothing. 214 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,440 It was like, you couldn't talk about things 215 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:50,320 outside the home. 216 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:52,320 And I couldn't trust people like that. 217 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,400 I wouldn't even talk to my parents about it. 218 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:57,120 So growing up with the see no evil, hear no evil, 219 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,760 talk no evil type of mentality, 220 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:01,440 that street mentality, we had that at home. 221 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:03,760 And plus, my mom started drinking more. 222 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,440 My dad started drinking more. 223 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,120 Their alcoholism progressed. 224 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:08,920 In the beginning, they weren't alcoholics. 225 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:12,240 They did drink a lot, but I think as they separated, 226 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,440 my dad was with my stepmom, 227 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:19,320 and my mom ended up dating a new person, another alcoholic, 228 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:20,520 my stepdad, Raymond. 229 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,480 The difference between my dad and Raymond 230 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,640 is that my stepdad, Raymond, didn't beat up my mom. 231 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,440 And he really loved those, and he really tried. 232 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,680 He also died in his alcoholism in 2012. 233 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,840 But I was sober to bury him, rest in peace, Raymond. 234 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:35,680 But he tried. 235 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,680 I learned how to drive because of him. 236 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:42,000 He'll be drunk, I'll be on the motorcycle, you know? 237 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:45,360 He'll give me $20, and where we live, 238 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:46,560 in the neighborhood liquor store, 239 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:49,600 they sell you liquor and cigarettes. 240 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,400 You know, it was that type of liquor store, you know? 241 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:56,400 And even, there was this lady that sold alcohol 242 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,400 and liquor from her garage. 243 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:02,560 After like 12 p.m., no 12 a.m., so midnight, right? 244 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:05,000 So a normal bottle will cost you like $10. 245 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,760 At night, it'll cost you $25, right? 246 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,840 So here we go, my stepdad sending me over there, 247 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:13,080 and there was a jack-in-the-box by where I live. 248 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,600 He was like, "Here's some money. 249 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,480 Go buy yourself some food. 250 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:17,960 Steal a couple cigarettes. 251 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,040 Take a couple of liters from the liquor." 252 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:24,040 And my disease, it gradually worsened, you know? 253 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,000 I didn't know what alcoholism meant. 254 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,200 Heard about it. 255 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,880 I know there was an AA meeting 256 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,560 by where we lived in Inglewood. 257 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:31,960 There was a bunch of churches. 258 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,840 And by then, by the age of like 10, 11, 259 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:38,000 I knew that those places meant well, 260 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,200 but I didn't know. 261 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,320 I didn't have the motivation to go there. 262 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:44,320 Well, I didn't know anyone that had the guts to go in there. 263 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,520 And by then, I stopped going to church. 264 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,480 Fast forward, something happened. 265 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,560 My mom sent me to El Salvador. 266 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,800 She thought that I was gonna get better over there. 267 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,880 All my uncle and aunties were alcoholics over there. 268 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,760 Yeah, over there, they sell you liquor too at the store. 269 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:02,280 And my mom sent me $100 every month. 270 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,880 $100 for a little kid. 271 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:07,640 In the early '90s, that was about 900 colones. 272 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:12,360 So it was 872 per dollar, colon. 273 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,920 Over there, it was colon at that time. 274 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:16,280 So I would have like $900 275 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,080 'cause the dollar had like eight times the value over there. 276 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:22,720 With $100, I was tearing it up over there, right? 277 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:24,160 And I didn't have to spend on nothing. 278 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:25,160 My family loved me. 279 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:26,480 They treated me like a king. 280 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,960 So to them, I was like an alien over there 281 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,960 because I'm not born over there, 282 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,040 but I'm half Salvadorian and I'm American and half Mexican. 283 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:38,000 They couldn't understand the chemistry over there, right? 284 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,920 But they knew that I was my mom's child and they loved me 285 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,080 and I loved them back, even though I didn't know them. 286 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,920 And they drank and they allowed me to drive their vehicles. 287 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,720 And I was really like on party mode. 288 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,360 This is me, I'm on party mode. 289 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:50,920 I learned how to party with my parents, 290 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,880 partying with the homies, with my friends. 291 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,400 Now I'm partying in El Salvador. 292 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,920 And I fell in love with the culture over there. 293 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,240 And my disease got worse. 294 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,200 And no matter where I went, juvenile hall, 295 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,840 those boot camps that I've been to in the juvenile system, 296 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,880 I moved from my mom to my dad's house, 297 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,280 to another country my disease went with me. 298 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,640 But I didn't know that I had a disease, I didn't. 299 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,400 So after like two and a half years, almost three years, 300 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,120 my mom said, "Hey, you should come back." 301 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,200 I'm like, "No, how about I go to Mexico with my grandparents?" 302 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,760 And I went over there to see my grandpa. 303 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,400 And my grandfather, he's a fisherman. 304 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,280 I went over there for like less than a year, 305 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,960 learned the culture there, the foods, 306 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,840 even the way they speak, the way people speak Spanish, 307 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,960 it's completely different how they speak over there. 308 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:38,360 In El Salvador, Mexico, Central America and South America. 309 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,480 Right here, Spanish over there. 310 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:43,940 So learning the food, the culture, everything was beautiful. 311 00:12:43,940 --> 00:12:46,640 Come back, my mom thought that I was fixed. 312 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,160 Uh-uh, it was worse. 313 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:49,400 I picked up where I was at. 314 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,280 Everybody missed me and I missed them back. 315 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:54,040 I felt like I needed to make up time 316 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,520 without a homeboy, zero. 317 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,720 And here I am, I'm in high school now 318 00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,520 and I'm getting into more trouble. 319 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:04,520 And fast forward, I started my base of prison terms 320 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:09,000 and I was in prison October 13, 2009. 321 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,020 I just want to point something out before I share this, 322 00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:13,400 that I grew up with family, 323 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,760 that they were all overachievers. 324 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,360 We're cocky, I never knew what depression meant. 325 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:21,240 Anxiety, stress, we're the opposite of that. 326 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:26,160 We're egotistic, controlling, micromanaging. 327 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,680 I've always been micromanaged 328 00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,240 and I continue to micromanage, even at work now. 329 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,640 Yeah, I'm high-pitched. 330 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,460 I don't know how to slow it down. 331 00:13:33,460 --> 00:13:34,800 So growing up with a family 332 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,200 that they're always on the move, trying to achieve more, 333 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,660 wanting more and more and more, 334 00:13:38,660 --> 00:13:41,160 I always felt like I had this void in me 335 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,140 'cause I was a kid. 336 00:13:42,140 --> 00:13:44,380 Like, okay, one girlfriend's not enough. 337 00:13:44,380 --> 00:13:46,560 Bam, let me have two, let me have three. 338 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,920 One bottle of liquor is not enough. 339 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:51,960 That 30-pack, I'm worrying about that the liquor store's 340 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,880 gonna close at a certain time 341 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,680 and I need to go get two more 30-packs, you know? 342 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,440 That's how my mentality works. 343 00:13:58,440 --> 00:13:59,600 That's how I do math. 344 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,840 So this is my disease. 345 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,120 This is how I think, this is how I behave. 346 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:04,280 This is my perception. 347 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:05,100 Crazy, right? 348 00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:08,840 So I'm in prison and a pastor that used to chase me 349 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,160 around my neighborhood pulled me out. 350 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:12,660 He flew all the way over there 351 00:14:12,660 --> 00:14:16,280 and he asked permission from a warden. 352 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:20,440 I was at a prison called High Desert State Prison 353 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:25,120 and it was close to me up in Susanville. 354 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,240 I found out that my mom passed. 355 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:30,100 My mom passed away October 13, 2009 356 00:14:30,100 --> 00:14:33,720 and I wasn't out to be there for her, my family, 357 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:37,240 and I still had a few months left before I grow old. 358 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:39,320 By then I was married with a child already 359 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:42,640 and another little girl that she considered me her father, 360 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,160 I never called her my stepchild, 361 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,680 but I love her the same as my own child. 362 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:49,360 I had a wife, someone had fell in love with me 363 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,460 and married me because of cultural issues. 364 00:14:51,460 --> 00:14:53,660 We got married because my family believed 365 00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:55,300 that I should get married with someone. 366 00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,920 I was forced into marriage and I went, "Wait, why?" 367 00:14:57,920 --> 00:14:59,000 'Cause I was always drinking. 368 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:00,840 I was like, "Okay, that's gonna man me up. 369 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,120 "That's gonna fix me." 370 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,480 But the reality is the job never fixed me. 371 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,000 Sex never fixed me. 372 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,560 Having children never fixed me. 373 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,960 Having good jobs, cars, apartments, good homes, nothing. 374 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,680 I couldn't maintain anything in my life. 375 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,920 I couldn't love my children the way they needed to. 376 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,940 I couldn't love my parents no more the way they needed to, 377 00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:21,240 or my siblings, or my wife, or her parents, 378 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,000 and her family that took me in. 379 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,080 'Cause the fact was I didn't love myself. 380 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:26,520 I was empty on the inside. 381 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,360 There's a story in the big book about that. 382 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:29,500 You should read it if you haven't. 383 00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:31,000 I was emotionally dead. 384 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,600 Bill Dovey talks about emotional sobriety, right? 385 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:38,600 So I get out of prison May 25th, 2010. 386 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,480 I go hang out with my stepdad for two days 387 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,120 and we got drunk for two days. 388 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,100 Oh, and I never stayed clean and sober in prison. 389 00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:48,000 There's more drugs and alcohol in prison than out here. 390 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,440 And I'm not boasting about that. 391 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,060 I'm just stating facts. 392 00:15:51,060 --> 00:15:53,600 Where I was at, people tracked me at all times. 393 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,600 So I partied with my dad for two days 394 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:58,520 with the person I consider my dad, my stepdad Raymond. 395 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:01,040 And then I go see my parole officer. 396 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:05,320 I ended up committing to treatment that day, May 27th, 2010. 397 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,380 And that's where I started my journey. 398 00:16:07,380 --> 00:16:09,120 I had a counselor named Rene. 399 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,400 He's my mentor now. 400 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,600 He's like, you should go to AA, you're an alcoholic. 401 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,360 So he asked me the 20 questions. 402 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:19,160 And out of like 20 questions, I identified to 19 of them. 403 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,080 And the last one I think I lied, you know? 404 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,320 (laughing) 405 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:27,320 So yeah, I accepted that and then I knew about AA. 406 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,480 It's just, I never attended AA meeting. 407 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,120 I had been to treatment before as a kid 408 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,120 and he was an adult, but I never stood there long enough 409 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,160 to hear the message. 410 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:38,640 I was spiritually dead. 411 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,000 I was emotionally dead. 412 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,560 And so I went to my first AA meeting, like two months, 413 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,600 two, three months in when I was in treatment, 414 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,760 just to show them, to show my parole officer, 415 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:50,440 because I'm my ego and false pride, 416 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,840 I'm gonna prove to them that I could do these 90 days. 417 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,760 And after that, we'll see what happens 418 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:56,100 just to prove them wrong. 419 00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:58,320 'Cause I'm that guy, I wanna prove everyone wrong. 420 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,440 I'm gonna show up on time, I'm gonna do my job. 421 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:02,760 I'm gonna, I'll work you, I'll thank you. 422 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:03,780 Let's see. - Thank you. 423 00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:06,040 - And so I did the three months 424 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:09,200 and then by the third month, I had met, 425 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,720 I went to my first AA meeting and the guy leading, 426 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,160 he's like, you guy, but the readers have come up and speak. 427 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,500 And I'm like, hi, everybody, my name is Art, alcoholic. 428 00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:20,980 After the meeting, like 20 people walked up to me, 429 00:17:20,980 --> 00:17:21,880 gave me their number. 430 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:25,680 One of them, the most important number, was my sponsor. 431 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:27,960 He continues to be my sponsor to this day. 432 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:32,460 Jay has helped me in many different ways. 433 00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:36,560 He was, he's always been firm with me. 434 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:39,400 We started doing, we started reading from the big book. 435 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,840 He started teaching me about Bill Dovey and Dr. Smith. 436 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,700 We've read different types of books, 437 00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:47,060 but we started doing the step work. 438 00:17:47,060 --> 00:17:51,780 And I didn't have an issue with AA, I wasn't resistant. 439 00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:54,880 I wanted something new, I was heartbroken, I still am. 440 00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,680 My mother's death shook me. 441 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,380 I started to experience depression sober 442 00:17:59,380 --> 00:18:01,280 'cause I knew the party was over. 443 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,000 I started to experience anxiety sober 444 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,560 and I still do it, like panic attacks. 445 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,520 I never experienced panic attacks 446 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,400 with all that trauma in the street, 447 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,520 but now that I'm sober or in prison or in jail 448 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,400 or another country, I started to experience depression, 449 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:20,520 anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, worthless, sober. 450 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:21,960 This is my story, sober. 451 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,340 So my sponsor's like challenging the perception, 452 00:18:24,340 --> 00:18:25,180 the behaviors. 453 00:18:25,180 --> 00:18:27,600 One other thing that I learned while doing the step work 454 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,420 was about my character defects. 455 00:18:29,420 --> 00:18:32,200 I'm impulsive, I could name you like a thousand. 456 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,320 I'm still working on it, I'm not perfect. 457 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,640 But I started to identify these behaviors. 458 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,000 My sponsor's like, "Look, Art, 459 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,920 you don't have a children abusing problem, 460 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:41,120 you have a thinking problem." 461 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,160 I was like, "Hey, man," and I did. 462 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,500 The way I perceive stuff, the way I react, 463 00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:48,400 how do I act like a child when things don't go my way? 464 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,120 I wanna have the last argument with you, 465 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:51,360 even if I'm wrong. 466 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:54,240 Yeah, that was my perception and early recovery. 467 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,440 And so my sponsor, he also works in treatment, 468 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,760 he's a psychologist, you know. 469 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,980 So I think that was a godshot. 470 00:19:00,980 --> 00:19:03,200 For me it was, it was like a higher power shot 471 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,960 where I ended up with a person that I had a lot of time. 472 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,520 He was known in the rooms. 473 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:10,960 I'm also PG from West High, from West LA, 474 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,320 and also reading hall over there in Gardena. 475 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,520 So I started doing the step work, 476 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:21,520 I started getting commitments, going to more meetings. 477 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:26,120 By the time I finished doing my step work, 478 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,560 he's like, "Art, you're gonna start sponsoring people, 479 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,720 but you're not allowed to sponsor people 480 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:31,960 that come where you come from." 481 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,680 So basically, no Latinos that gang bang, you know. 482 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:37,760 He wanted me to get out of my comfort zone, 483 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,880 sponsor people that's out of my race, 484 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,700 that come from other walks of life, 485 00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:44,520 so I could build friendship and fellowship with them. 486 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,200 So he challenged me that way. 487 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,260 I needed to be challenged that way, 488 00:19:48,260 --> 00:19:50,120 'cause I grew up, my world was this big. 489 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:52,720 And I did, and I still have a sponsor, 490 00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:55,800 I continue to sponsor people, I still have commitments, 491 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,600 and I've been going on meetings ever since. 492 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:00,040 And I'm grateful for that. 493 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,880 On my second year, I got a job as a truck driver. 494 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,720 That same pastor gave me a job 495 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:08,120 as a sober living manager my first year of sobriety. 496 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,640 He told me if I did good, 497 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,360 he'll pay for me to go to trucking school. 498 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,600 So just to prove him wrong, right, 499 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,160 he goes my ego on false pride. 500 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,880 Here I hit the second year mark, 501 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:18,320 he sends me to trucking school, 502 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:21,600 I get my trucker just to make everyone look bad, okay? 503 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:22,880 Right? 504 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,240 Yeah, that's my perception. 505 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:27,160 I become a truck driver, and then I get off parole, 506 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,760 and then my stepdad passed away, 507 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,280 and I had the opportunity to make amends to my family there, 508 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:33,720 'cause I hadn't seen a lot of 'em. 509 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,280 Also, my ego and false pride didn't allow me 510 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,880 to reach out to my family in early recovery. 511 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:42,440 And we had a dinner after we buried my stepdad that day, 512 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,360 right, and they cried, they made me cry. 513 00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:46,160 The first time I cried, in my surprise, 514 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:47,660 they're like, "Art, why you didn't call us? 515 00:20:47,660 --> 00:20:48,680 "We would've helped you. 516 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,360 "We would've went and visited you," you know? 517 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,080 And I'm like, "I needed to do this alone." 518 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:55,120 'Cause I never did nothing really bad to my family, 519 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,520 but I put 'em through a lot. 520 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,640 And behind the pain that I put my parents through, 521 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,540 it's like they're holding me accountable, 522 00:21:01,540 --> 00:21:02,520 and I don't wanna hear it. 523 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,540 And it's kinda the way I ran from it, 524 00:21:04,540 --> 00:21:06,560 but God allowed me to make my amends 525 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,200 to all of them in a room during that dinner, 526 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,080 and then in private with each one. 527 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,680 And we're on good terms with my family now. 528 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:14,880 I love my family. 529 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:16,040 They're supportive now. 530 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,060 They're not worried about where's Art at, 531 00:21:18,060 --> 00:21:20,140 what prison is he at, where's he roaming around, 532 00:21:20,140 --> 00:21:22,200 is he on the street, you know? 533 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:23,920 What couch is he sleeping on? 534 00:21:24,860 --> 00:21:27,600 I remember my sponsor told me in early recovery 535 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,640 that us alcoholics and addicts don't have relationships. 536 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:32,000 We hold people hostage. 537 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,240 I held my family hostage with my behaviors 538 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,280 and my perception and my belief system. 539 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,000 Once again, some of us, 540 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,480 yeah, I understand that we suffer from alcohol, though, 541 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,360 but it was beyond that, right? 542 00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:45,560 I needed to learn about my behaviors, my perception, 543 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,680 and me being spiritually sick. 544 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:51,320 So, you know, dealing with a sponsor that I have, 545 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,420 he taught me about Bill W. and his walk, you know? 546 00:21:54,420 --> 00:21:58,020 Something that attracted me was that book, "Pass It On." 547 00:21:58,020 --> 00:21:59,600 I don't know if some of you guys have read it. 548 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:03,100 It teaches you about Bill's passage 549 00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:05,360 and how AA was formulated, right? 550 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,500 I think Bill went to Akron. 551 00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:09,680 I think he had like six months of sobriety, 552 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:11,000 and he felt like drinking. 553 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,600 And then he got on the phone, 554 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:16,400 and somehow he got connected to Dr. Bob Smith, right? 555 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,000 Dr. Smith, and he's like, 556 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:20,880 "Look, Art, that's what you're supposed to do. 557 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,560 "Bill W. demonstrated what we're supposed to do. 558 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:24,920 "So when we're feeling a certain way, 559 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,580 "you need to pick up that phone." 560 00:22:26,580 --> 00:22:27,640 And I've been doing that. 561 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:28,500 I've been doing that. 562 00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:30,640 Today, I wasn't expecting no one's call. 563 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:31,640 I wanted to relax. 564 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,120 My fiance had gone out, 565 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:34,720 and I'm playing video games at home. 566 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:38,240 All I knew that I was gonna iron this friend-wife shirt 567 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:39,080 to come to Quad. 568 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,080 That's all I knew, right? 569 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:42,120 And I was waiting for her. 570 00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:44,320 So I'm playing video games, watching movies, 571 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:46,520 and then a buddy of mine calls me, 572 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,920 and we talk for like two hours, person in recovery. 573 00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:50,760 You could tell who cares about you. 574 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:54,300 I talk to more people in the rooms than my own family, 575 00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:57,320 and that's what God has gifted me with, 576 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:00,240 with a support system, a fellowship, another family. 577 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:03,520 I'm around you guys more than I am my own real family, 578 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,240 and I'm blessed for that. 579 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:06,920 I moved here four years ago. 580 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,840 I live with my fiance now. 581 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:12,520 I work as a counselor, a licensed counselor 582 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:15,760 at a treatment center not that far from here. 583 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:19,360 My plans are to go for my master's in psychology, 584 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,400 do something out of the realm, 585 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,720 but I'm not gonna do it just to fool people around. 586 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:26,480 But see, the thing is, even though I'm a perfectionist, 587 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:28,800 my mind tells me, can I do it, right? 588 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,120 I create this stuff. 589 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:32,000 That's how that disease works too, right? 590 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:33,160 And I really do it. 591 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,720 They're all young and fresh college students, 592 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:36,760 and you're old already. 593 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,000 You and your 40s are. 594 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,680 This is the disease, 15 years of sobriety. 595 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,240 And here I have my fiance telling me, 596 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,400 "You can't, or you already work in treatment." 597 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:45,920 I've been working in treatment for years, 598 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:49,720 and I believe that it's God's, or my higher power's, 599 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:52,160 purpose for me to continue to help people, 600 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,640 not only in treatment, but outside of treatment, 601 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:58,920 in the rooms, and outside the rooms as well. 602 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,720 I think it's God's purpose for me to maintain my sobriety 603 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,280 and practice these principles. 604 00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:06,000 That's what I've been doing, and I'm blessed. 605 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,440 The issues that I used to have 15 years ago, 606 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:09,400 I no longer have. 607 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,520 But I need to be swept by my toes 608 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:13,360 and continue to maintain my sobriety. 609 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:14,960 There's three things that I do on a date. 610 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,680 It's I trust God, clean house, and help others. 611 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:18,840 Listen, I do that. 612 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:21,520 And I moved here four years ago. 613 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,320 I have my own place with my lady. 614 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:30,120 I'm part of USR, Unity Service Recovery Meeting Hall. 615 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:34,320 They have the Tuesday Big Book Study Meeting 616 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,920 and the Men's Stag on Thursday. 617 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,600 I'm also part of the Caprulo House, Jensen Hall, 618 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:42,000 Men's Stag Meeting there on Mondays. 619 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,080 Also, I'm a part of the Valley Club, 620 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,440 and recently, two months ago, 621 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,240 I was invited to be a board member at a solar living, 622 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:50,400 and I don't get paid for it. 623 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:51,240 I just do it. 624 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:52,560 And I just want to point out 625 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,160 that if I'm supposed to post about anything today, 626 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:56,840 I'm supposed to post about what God and AA 627 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,080 has allowed me to do. 628 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,240 The same prisons and juvenile halls 629 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,960 that I used to visit as a kid or as an adult 630 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:05,440 are the same places where I go talk about AA, 631 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:06,400 and I don't fear it. 632 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:07,960 People tell me, "How can you do that?" 633 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:11,160 I'm like, "I wasn't fearless in my alcoholism. 634 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,520 I'm not fearless now." 635 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:14,320 So it's been amazing. 636 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:15,600 Sometimes it's hard. 637 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:18,160 Sometimes when everything's going good, 638 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:21,320 the disease attacks me in different ways. 639 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:25,040 I think it was like six, seven months ago, 640 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:26,880 me and her are on our way. 641 00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:30,800 Me and my fiance are, we're on the 118 on the 170. 642 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:32,160 We're on our way to a meeting 643 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,200 'cause I was gonna speak there too 644 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,880 in North Hollywood at Union A, 645 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:38,800 and I started getting a panic attack while I was driving. 646 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,680 Keep in mind, I started experiencing panic attacks 647 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,520 when I sobered up, not before. 648 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,800 It's like the disease don't want me to go to the moon. 649 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,360 That's the way I interpreted it. 650 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:49,240 So we're stopping at gas stations 651 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,960 to get aspirin or something, right? 652 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:54,320 Taking deep breathing exercises, and she talks to me. 653 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,720 So it's just different methods on how I deal 654 00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,200 with my anxieties, with my depression today, 655 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,880 and I don't have to drink over them. 656 00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:03,560 I don't have to put any substances in my body. 657 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,120 There's different things that you could do. 658 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:07,280 Sometimes there's a meeting calling a brother 659 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:08,520 and sister in a fellowship. 660 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,120 I'm not trying to preach about therapy or psychiatry, 661 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:12,640 but if you need that, do it. 662 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:13,480 Why not? 663 00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:14,680 I did therapy in early recovery. 664 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:15,520 It helped me. 665 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:18,080 Now I understand a lot of things about myself. 666 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,920 There's a lot of things that AA couldn't help me with too. 667 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:21,920 I want to point that out. 668 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,080 Like the deep emotional and mental issues. 669 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,240 I was able to work on those things with therapy, 670 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:27,400 but I'm very grateful. 671 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,800 And if it wasn't for AA and the fellowship, 672 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,000 then he'd be in snowboard. 673 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:32,800 I probably would have never had the opportunity 674 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,880 to address the emotional, mental, and physical realm. 675 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:38,360 So the most important thing that I could do today 676 00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:40,560 is being TMI's bride, right? 677 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:44,080 I have a long story and sometimes I plan it a certain way 678 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:45,720 and try to pitch it a certain way, 679 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:47,520 but it never goes that way. 680 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:51,400 I remember in earning my first two years, 681 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:52,840 oh, when I became a truck driver, 682 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,800 my sponsor was worried about me going to meetings 683 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:57,880 outside of like LA. 684 00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:01,480 I think it was the first week that we stopped 685 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,560 at Amarillo, Texas, and I just got out of the shower 686 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,960 and I was drying up and I was about to shave 687 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,240 and a guy walked up to me. 688 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:09,400 He's like, "What's up, man?" 689 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:11,440 I'm like, "Hey, my name's Richard something was, 690 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:12,280 "something was in your name." 691 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:14,160 And I'm like, "All right, I'm from LA." 692 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:15,000 He's like, "Yeah." 693 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:16,520 They're like, "Hey man, there's an AA meeting 694 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,480 "running in 10 minutes, come and join us." 695 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:20,720 And that, in Amarillo, Texas, 696 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:23,680 that became my first home group outside of LA. 697 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:27,480 Second home group, I ran into another AA trucker 698 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:28,720 in Knoxville, Tennessee. 699 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:32,480 Then my third meeting hall was in Portland, Maine. 700 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,520 So I had a dedicated route from LA 701 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,640 all the way to the Northeast. 702 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:39,320 And God had a purpose for me to meet people. 703 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:42,040 I still text and talk to a lot of those people 704 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:45,080 that I've known in the rooms for a very long time. 705 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,640 I just got back from Hawaii. 706 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,760 My disease has taken me to prisons and jails 707 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:52,200 and I've even mental hospitals, right? 708 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,600 Places that I never been, wanted to go to, right? 709 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:59,040 But because of my sobriety and my higher power, 710 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:00,480 I just got back from Hawaii. 711 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:04,040 I had never been to Hawaii and I thank God for that. 712 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,600 I'm able to do that. 713 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,720 I'm able to have benefits at a job 714 00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:09,440 because I show up on time. 715 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,600 Since I've been sober, I haven't lost a job. 716 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:13,720 I haven't lost a girlfriend, you know? 717 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:16,080 And I didn't think for a while either. 718 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:18,440 I just want to end this by telling you guys 719 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,840 that I'm very grateful for today. 720 00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:23,360 I want to thank Kwa for having me. 721 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:26,600 And for everyone online, God bless you guys. 722 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:29,960 Stay focused, trust God, clean house and help others. 723 00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:30,800 Thank you.