1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,520 Like I like my age, so. 2 00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:04,760 (laughing) 3 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:10,200 (speaking in foreign language) 4 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:14,280 - Hi, my name is Theresa and I am an alcoholic. 5 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:15,480 (speaking in foreign language) 6 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:20,480 Hi, Abraham, thank you for inviting me to come and speak 7 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:26,360 and I am definitely grateful to be able to be sober 8 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:31,200 and speaking in front of a group of alcoholics. 9 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,680 Maria, thank you so much for your share. 10 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:37,440 Our stories are pretty similar. 11 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:41,080 First of all, let me, I'm gonna apologize in advance 12 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:45,880 if my cat gets in the way and distracts. 13 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,680 Hopefully she'll stay asleep. 14 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:50,440 I can't lock her in another room 15 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,200 because there is no other room, this is it. 16 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:56,880 So I apologize for that in advance 17 00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:01,880 and welcome to anybody who's new or coming back to AA. 18 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:07,720 You know, I too was a chronic relapser 19 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:11,160 and each time when I would come back to AA, 20 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:14,020 I can't even really say I was a chronic relapse 21 00:01:14,020 --> 00:01:17,880 because I never acquired too much time sober, 22 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,800 but when I would come back, 23 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,960 I always felt so much guilt and shame 24 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:25,500 and I came in with those feelings, 25 00:01:25,500 --> 00:01:27,760 but through working the steps, 26 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:30,120 much of that has gotten better. 27 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:34,560 So my sobriety date is September 11th, 2002. 28 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:39,360 My home group is the Rose City Speakers Meeting 29 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:43,360 on Thursday night in Pasadena at eight o'clock. 30 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,040 I invite you guys to attend. 31 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:50,040 It is an in-person meeting, but it is a really good meeting. 32 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,960 My sober sister is here tonight. 33 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:56,880 I saw her earlier, my sponsor joined. 34 00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:01,880 So I'm always good to have people that I know 35 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,960 in, you know, where I can see them as well. 36 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,520 So I have a home group, a sponsor, and a sobriety date, 37 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:10,880 and I was told to have those things 38 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,720 and keep them when I got sober 39 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:17,280 and to stay in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. 40 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:22,120 And I have tried to do that to the best of my ability. 41 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:27,120 So let's see, I'll start with my family growing up. 42 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:31,220 I am the youngest of eight kids. 43 00:02:31,220 --> 00:02:33,760 I grew up with feelings like a lot of us do, 44 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:36,920 you know, those feelings that not feeling good enough 45 00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:39,180 or smart enough, pretty enough. 46 00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:42,880 And I often felt that I was in the way 47 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:45,240 and because I'm the youngest of eight kids, 48 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,080 I probably was in the way, you know, 49 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:51,320 I was often told, you know, Teresa, get out of the way, 50 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:52,760 Teresa, you're in the way. 51 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,400 I mean, I'm the youngest of eight. 52 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:59,720 I grew up with a good set of moral values. 53 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,480 My parents were hard workers. 54 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:06,240 There is a lot of alcoholism and drug addiction 55 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:07,200 in my family. 56 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:10,080 I am the only sober person in my family, 57 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,640 but I want to tell you that my brothers and sisters 58 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:17,640 are so happy that I am sober today. 59 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:21,560 So what happened was like when I was about 15, 60 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:25,580 and I want to tell you, I grew up with God in my life. 61 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:26,880 I was raised Catholic. 62 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,000 I'm not a recovering Catholic. 63 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,520 So the God idea wasn't a big surprise 64 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:35,740 or something to overcome growing, you know, 65 00:03:35,740 --> 00:03:37,440 when I came into AA. 66 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:40,360 What happened with this is when I was about 15, 67 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,360 I was hanging out with some friends. 68 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:43,880 Some of them were my age, 69 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:47,760 but some were like 10 to 15 years older. 70 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:52,160 And somebody handed me a paper cup full of something red, 71 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,960 and I knew it was alcohol, but I drank it anyways. 72 00:03:55,960 --> 00:04:00,960 It was probably like Boons Hill or Mad Dog 2020. 73 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:04,480 It was something real classy. 74 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,360 And I drank that one down, 75 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,540 and I kept folding my cup out for more. 76 00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:14,040 And nobody said, you know, Teresa just had one or two. 77 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:17,440 And I don't think I've ever had just one drink ever. 78 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,800 So with that, you know, I didn't. 79 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:24,520 And that's kind of how I have drank since that time. 80 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:27,680 And, you know, I didn't have like, 81 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:31,800 I didn't like pass out or throw up 82 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,800 or make a spectacle of myself that day. 83 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:39,800 But what did happen for me that day was my feelings. 84 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,500 You know, for the first time that I can remember, 85 00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:44,360 I just, I was okay. 86 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,360 Those feelings of feeling shy and insecure 87 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:49,640 and not part of just weren't there. 88 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:53,100 I didn't feel smarter, prettier or any of that, 89 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:56,560 but those feelings of being self-conscious 90 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:57,520 just weren't there. 91 00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:00,780 And that's what alcohol and drugs always did for me. 92 00:05:00,780 --> 00:05:03,300 They changed the way I felt. 93 00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:06,520 So I can say that the steps do the same thing. 94 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:09,460 They just take a lot longer, 95 00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:13,620 but the result is more permanent as well. 96 00:05:13,620 --> 00:05:18,620 So I didn't set out to go out and drink like the next week 97 00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:22,040 or the next weekend. 98 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:25,600 My thoughts were not like, I can't wait to do this again. 99 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,800 But when I did drink throughout my teens 100 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:31,920 and it wasn't real often, you know, for me, I say that, 101 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:34,680 and it might be like once a month we did that. 102 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:38,820 And for somebody who's 15, I think that's a lot, 103 00:05:38,820 --> 00:05:40,200 but that's how I drank. 104 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:44,560 And I had no knowledge of alcoholism at the time. 105 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:48,380 And anytime I drank, I drank to excess. 106 00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:51,440 And I began to suffer consequences 107 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:54,100 and I began to do those things, 108 00:05:54,100 --> 00:05:57,440 some things that a 15-year-old girl shouldn't be doing. 109 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,600 And I compromised my moral values. 110 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,360 And I had a lot of guilt and shame about that. 111 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:07,040 And I felt really bad as a person for doing those things. 112 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,920 And the big book talks about how alcoholics 113 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:13,400 lets us act extemporaneously. 114 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:16,100 And I believe that's what it did for me. 115 00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:19,480 So anytime I had a drink or smoked a joint, 116 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,600 'cause my older brothers and sisters smoked a lot of pot, 117 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:24,140 it was easy to get. 118 00:06:24,140 --> 00:06:28,460 And so I probably smoked more pot more frequently 119 00:06:28,460 --> 00:06:30,440 than I did drink. 120 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:32,000 We had alcohol at home, 121 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,280 but I never went into our liquor cabinet. 122 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:40,280 It wasn't something I actually sought after like I did, 123 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:41,620 like was pot. 124 00:06:41,620 --> 00:06:43,880 But anytime I did a drink or a drug, 125 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,620 it changed the way it felt. 126 00:06:45,620 --> 00:06:49,640 And the things that I wasn't happy about doing 127 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:52,120 suddenly didn't matter anymore. 128 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,800 I was okay 'cause it changed the way it felt. 129 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:58,560 When I was about 20, I went back to college 130 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:03,520 and I discovered I couldn't remember what I was studying. 131 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:08,480 It didn't matter if I smoked a joint before or after. 132 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,640 So I just, and pot was making me paranoid. 133 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:16,020 And I talk about drugs because at any time in my life, 134 00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:19,360 I have been able to stop the drugs when they stopped working 135 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,760 and pot wasn't working for me anymore. 136 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,080 So I just stopped it. 137 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:25,720 At that point, I wasn't drinking a whole lot, 138 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:29,520 but when I did drink, I always drank too much. 139 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:34,240 And I ended up getting pregnant at about age 23 140 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:37,200 and then we got married in that order. 141 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,680 And then we had my husband and I had our second daughter 142 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,160 two years later and we bought a house. 143 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:47,200 Occasionally on Christmas, 144 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:51,360 we might get a little bit of Coke and celebrate together, 145 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,040 but it was just a little bit. 146 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,680 And I've always wondered, 147 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,920 whatever happened to the rest of it? 148 00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:59,920 I'm sure he must have done that on the side or something. 149 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:03,360 But if we went out drinking for a special occasion, 150 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,640 I always drink too much. 151 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,480 I never thought that, oh, we're gonna go out and party 152 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,120 and I'm gonna get drunk. 153 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:12,280 Never thought of it that way. 154 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,480 He'd say, you wanna drink? 155 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,720 I'd say, sure, but it was always too many. 156 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,480 And what happened was this. 157 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,080 And then my kids are growing up 158 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,960 and I have a full-time job. 159 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,680 We have a house together, my husband and I. 160 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,840 So I'm taking care of the house, the yard. 161 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:32,520 I have full-time job and Girl Scout leader, Brownie leader 162 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:37,160 and organizing bingo and school activities 163 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:40,320 and taking care of my two aging parents. 164 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:43,240 And then one day when my husband and I 165 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,960 are cleaning out the garage 166 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:50,320 and I guess my kids are about 10 and 12 maybe at that point, 167 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,360 my neighbor comes over and he says, you want a bump? 168 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,360 And we said, yes. 169 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,160 So we did a little bump and that was meth. 170 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,720 And then we got the garage done real quick. 171 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:04,160 And then we went over to their house 172 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:07,840 for some barbecue with margaritas. 173 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:12,560 And that quickly became a weekend thing 174 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:17,560 where we were doing the meth and the margaritas. 175 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,720 But I found it harder to get up on Monday. 176 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,280 So I started buying meth on the side. 177 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:27,400 And then for the margaritas, who needs all that filler? 178 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,560 I just started drinking straight tequila. 179 00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:34,560 And the big book also talks about how women 180 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:37,760 are gone beyond recall in short amount of time. 181 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,680 And that is my story. 182 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,920 So as history likes to repeat itself, 183 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:48,800 I ended up having an affair with my next door neighbor, 184 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:49,640 drug dealer. 185 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:53,360 And within I think less than a year of the day 186 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,760 that my husband and I were cleaning out the garage that day, 187 00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:58,560 I was in my first treatment center. 188 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,520 They had done an intervention on me, my family. 189 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:05,080 And I heard things in this treatment center 190 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:10,080 about the yes, how people talked about how they got DUIs. 191 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,320 Well, that hadn't happened to me yet. 192 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:18,960 Or they ended up in jail or a mental institution, 193 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:22,400 lost families, crashed cars, lost jobs. 194 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,520 None of that had happened to me yet. 195 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,520 And they told me, 196 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,400 you need to change your playground and your playmates. 197 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,400 You need to change everything. 198 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:36,040 And when I got out of that treatment center, 199 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:39,880 I hadn't even had a parking ticket. 200 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,000 So I really couldn't relate. 201 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:45,960 And they told me that I could never have just one. 202 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:50,000 And I heard it up here, but I didn't hear it here. 203 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,560 I couldn't really grasp the concept 204 00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:56,360 of what that first drink does, 205 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,400 that it causes the train wreck. 206 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,800 And when I got out of treatment within a couple of days, 207 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,960 I was back next door and doing meth 208 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:10,680 and probably a day or two later, I was back drinking. 209 00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:15,800 And that kind of started the downward spiral 210 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:20,360 of detoxes and treatment centers. 211 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,080 The first thing of the yes to happen 212 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,800 was I got fired from my job. 213 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:26,880 I lost my job. 214 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:30,520 They frowned upon me drinking at lunch. 215 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,680 You know, can't imagine why. 216 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,440 And it was a pretty good job. 217 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,240 You know, I had for about eight years. 218 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,400 That was the first thing to go. 219 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:43,400 And then the next thing is I totaled my car. 220 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:47,240 I drove drunk with my kids in the car. 221 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,600 And thank God nobody was in the car that day 222 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:51,920 and nobody was injured. 223 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,960 I was on my way to pick up my daughter from school. 224 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,440 And I totaled that car. 225 00:11:56,440 --> 00:12:01,240 And then I got a DUI and I ended up downtown 226 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:06,160 in Twin Towers to serve just a couple of days. 227 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:10,480 But I tell you, I had never even had a parking ticket 228 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,800 and then I ended up in Twin Towers. 229 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,720 And that was just awful there. 230 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:19,720 I mean, it was just, I can't tell you how to provide. 231 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,760 I was when I was in there. 232 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:27,760 And the next thing I think to go after that was the oh. 233 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,120 So, you know, I'm on this downward spiral 234 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:32,160 of going in and out of treatment centers. 235 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,360 And, you know, I have to tell you, 236 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:36,440 I have these two little girls and by this time 237 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,640 I'm probably like two years into my drinking. 238 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,320 And I've kicked my husband out of the house 239 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,240 because he's kind of in the way. 240 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:49,240 And sometimes I would go to treatment centers 241 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,720 and then come home and go to AA. 242 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,320 And then I'd start drinking again. 243 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:59,200 And I like to detox at home and take phenobarbital. 244 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:04,200 And I really had the intention of not drinking, 245 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:08,840 but given my own device left up to my own choice, 246 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:12,320 if there's alcohol or I can get alcohol, I'm gonna drink. 247 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,840 So I was doing phenobarb and drinking. 248 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:19,840 And one day I called my doctor so I could detox at home. 249 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,360 She wasn't there. 250 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,440 And the doctor that was on call said, 251 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,240 no, we're not gonna do that. 252 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,920 You need to go to the hospital to detox. 253 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:32,320 And I said, well, I can't do that. 254 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,560 I might as well just kill myself. 255 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,200 No, doctors don't take that lightly. 256 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,920 So I hung up the phone and I told my kids 257 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,960 I was gonna go to the store and get something 258 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,280 to make them for dinner. 259 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,520 And as I'm backing out of my driveway 260 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,160 and I lived on a cul-de-sac, 261 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,760 I see LAPD coming down my street. 262 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,640 And I thought, oh, that's not good. 263 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:56,640 I pull back in my driveway and I went into the house 264 00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,400 and I locked the front door and I went out the back door 265 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,480 and I hid in the dog house. 266 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:08,200 And I'm in the dog house and I'm thinking, 267 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,160 oh, this is where they're gonna look. 268 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,680 So I go back in the house and they're at the front door 269 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:17,160 and I opened the door and you don't have to do that, 270 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,640 by the way, if this ever, you don't have to do that. 271 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:24,360 And I see my neighbor, my drug dealer, 272 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,400 I'm having the affair with out front 273 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:27,880 and he's kind of watching. 274 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:31,160 And I want you to know, my kids are home at this time. 275 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:34,480 And so I invite them in because I don't want my neighbor 276 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,040 to hear what they're saying. 277 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:37,800 And after a short amount of time, 278 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:40,200 they decide that it would be better 279 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,840 if they took me into custody. 280 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,880 So they put me into handcuffs 281 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,440 and my two kids are in the front yard 282 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:50,160 and they walk me outside and they put me 283 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,680 in the back of the patrol car. 284 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,200 Originally, they were gonna call somebody 285 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,400 to come and take my kids. 286 00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,880 But I asked them to please call my husband 287 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,480 and he said he would come home and take care of them. 288 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:06,240 So I ended up in a psych ward for three days. 289 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,520 But you know, my kids saw all of this happen. 290 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:12,480 And I would think that would be enough 291 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:16,400 to have me like come to my senses, but it wasn't. 292 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,600 As soon as I got out of that psych ward, 293 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:22,640 I was back next door doing meth and continued to drink. 294 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:27,080 What ended up happening is I kept going back 295 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,400 to Alcoholics Anonymous. 296 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,640 And I wanted to thank you guys all for that 297 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,520 because you have never once told me, 298 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:38,280 Teresa, you can't come here anymore if you're not sober 299 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,440 because I came many times when I was drunk. 300 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,280 And this one summer, 301 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:46,640 I had been in treatment for about six months 302 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,920 and I drank there and they kicked me out. 303 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:51,640 And I had a little bit of money 304 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,640 'cause my parents had passed away and left me some money. 305 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:59,480 So I had this little apartment and I was living all alone. 306 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:03,320 I was unemployable and I was drinking around the clock 307 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,520 from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. 308 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,760 And every day I would say to myself, 309 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,720 I'm just gonna have a half pint 310 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,080 and then tomorrow I'm not gonna drink anymore. 311 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,200 And I would drink that half pint down 312 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,160 and then I would pass out and I'd get up 313 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:18,560 and I would start all over. 314 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,360 But I had every intention of this is gonna be 315 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:25,200 my last one and I would tell myself that all day long. 316 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:29,720 And I'd go through four and five pints of tequila 317 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,560 and I would pass out and I would wake up. 318 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,800 And then around seven or eight o'clock at night, 319 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:39,040 I would take maybe four nights off and I would drink it, 320 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,880 drink it down with some tequila 321 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,680 and I'd say a little prayer like this. 322 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,760 God, please don't let me wake up tomorrow. 323 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,880 I was really okay with dying, 324 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,880 but I didn't know how to do the living thing anymore. 325 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:53,680 And that one day I was supposed to take my daughters 326 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,600 somewhere and I had been trying to get sober that summer. 327 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,800 It was the summer of 2002 and I kept going back 328 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,600 to this book study, a women's book study. 329 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,360 And they gave me the cake commitment, 330 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:07,280 even though sometimes I'd show up 331 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,320 and I had been drinking at nine o'clock in the morning. 332 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,880 But they kept telling me, just keep coming back. 333 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,400 And so I kept bringing the cake and I kept coming back. 334 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,000 And this one time I was supposed 335 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,480 to take my daughter somewhere. 336 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,920 And I got three, four, five days sober maybe. 337 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:24,680 And then I'd feel uncomfortable. 338 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,320 This one day I just, I felt uncomfortable, 339 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:30,200 that irritable, restless, discontent feeling. 340 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,520 I thought, I'm just gonna have 341 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:35,400 that one little $2 bottle and then I'll feel better 342 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,840 and just get terrible, be okay. 343 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,480 And so I had that little $2 bottle 344 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,600 and of course it ended up in a step. 345 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,760 And by the time she got there in the afternoon, 346 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,840 I couldn't take her where she needed to go. 347 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,480 And I told her she needed to take the bus home. 348 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:51,840 And she said to me, mom, 349 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,120 the bottle has always been more important to you 350 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:54,960 than we were. 351 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,920 And I said to her, and I believed this 352 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,600 with all my heart at the time. 353 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,600 I said to her, Jess, if that's not true, 354 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,400 I love you very much. 355 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:03,880 As she walked out my front door, 356 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:07,360 she slammed the door so hard that it broke the door jamb. 357 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:09,200 And when I woke up the next morning, 358 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,120 what I heard in my head was this, 359 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,320 that alcohol is my master 360 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,680 and I will never be able to have just one. 361 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,600 And that was September 11th of 2002. 362 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,640 And I haven't had a drink or a drug. 363 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:23,440 Now I had quit the meth a couple of years before 364 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:27,240 just because the only person who I knew to get it from 365 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,080 was my neighbor, my drug dealer neighbor. 366 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,280 And he wouldn't have anything to do with me anymore 367 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,440 'cause I was really, really crazy. 368 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:37,360 I mean, I'd be up on my rooftop 369 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,440 peeking in his windows at night. 370 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,200 Pretty crazy. 371 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:46,080 So I went back to that women's meeting that night 372 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,960 or to the women's book study. 373 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,760 And I said to my sponsor, I said, I think I'm done. 374 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,440 And she said, okay, here's what you're gonna do. 375 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:57,460 Now she would tell me, when she would previously tell me, 376 00:18:57,460 --> 00:18:58,640 here's what you're gonna do, 377 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,600 I would say, I know, I know, I know. 378 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,560 And she told me, Teresa, you don't know shit. 379 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,320 That's why you can't stay sober. 380 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,360 And she said, you're gonna be of service 381 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:09,840 to the women here in Alcoholics Anonymous. 382 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,040 And I said, okay. 383 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,440 And she said, you're gonna go to the meetings 384 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,360 I tell you to, and you're gonna have a commitment 385 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:17,680 at each of those meetings. 386 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,600 You're gonna do three a day during the week 387 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:21,840 and four on the weekends. 388 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,840 She said, you are unemployable, so you need to keep busy. 389 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:27,280 So I said, okay. 390 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,800 And we began to work the steps in earnest 391 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,080 to the best of my ability at the time. 392 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:35,680 And the book, it talks about how the steps, 393 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,400 how this program is designed for living. 394 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,580 And that is absolutely true. 395 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,920 And it was slow, it was so slow going. 396 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,640 That part about it in step one where we had to accept 397 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:50,960 we were alcoholic in our innermost self. 398 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:55,040 I finally got that, that I could never have just one 399 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:58,580 because when I had one, it set off the craving 400 00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:00,880 and the craving set off a compulsion 401 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,600 that I was sure to have more. 402 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:07,840 So we're reading a lot about that daily reflections 403 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:12,240 right now that I love this part of the daily reflection. 404 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,440 So we started to go through the steps, 405 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,760 but my sponsor was very active. 406 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:20,180 And so we had a lot of fellowship going on 407 00:20:20,180 --> 00:20:23,480 and the women in this program really pulled me up 408 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:27,920 by my bootstraps and held me close 'cause they kept me close. 409 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,160 You know, we went to, we had birthday parties, 410 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:34,440 we went camping, we did so much fun stuff. 411 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,960 We were busy, just busy, busy. 412 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,280 And, you know, in the days when it was hard, 413 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,400 'cause it was hard not to pick up a drink, 414 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:45,020 I just could not not drink for about five years. 415 00:20:45,020 --> 00:20:47,920 I just couldn't not drink. 416 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:51,600 And man, I'm glad I don't have to go down that path, 417 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:55,400 you know, today, what a dark, dark place that was. 418 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,800 So we started to do the steps. 419 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,680 Like, sorry, I lost my train of thought, 420 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,600 but then I was talking about the women in the program 421 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,340 and the fun stuff that we did 422 00:21:04,340 --> 00:21:07,400 because we still do fun stuff here in AA. 423 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,080 If it wasn't good, I wouldn't still be here. 424 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:14,240 When I think about having 23 years of sobriety, 425 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,480 I think, how the heck did that happen? 426 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,760 You know, and I know how it happened. 427 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:23,320 It's because of Alcoholics Anonymous and God. 428 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,320 You know, I have a God of my understanding today. 429 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,200 That's not the Santa Claus God I believed in, 430 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:32,400 but I kind of grew up with when I was a little kid. 431 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,800 I have a God of my understanding that I have a relationship 432 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:40,800 with and that I really try to develop that relationship 433 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,960 on a daily basis. 434 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:48,320 I don't do this program perfectly, far from it. 435 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,640 I make a lot of mistakes. 436 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:54,240 The God thing and turning my life and my will over 437 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,840 to the care of God in step three. 438 00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,440 You know, that was a hard concept for me. 439 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:01,800 I didn't quite get it. 440 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,540 And then somebody said, "It's like getting out of bed 441 00:22:04,540 --> 00:22:07,400 in the morning and you know the floor is there." 442 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,140 She says, "You don't question it." 443 00:22:09,140 --> 00:22:11,080 It's the same thing with step three. 444 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,440 God is always there. 445 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:13,560 You're a higher power. 446 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,400 If you don't believe in God and you're struggling 447 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,680 with that concept, it's okay. 448 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,840 You know, just believe that there's something 449 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:23,080 more powerful out there than yourself. 450 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:27,680 And in four, when I did my inventory with my sponsor, 451 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:31,100 she, you know, she helped me see what my part and stuff was 452 00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:33,800 'cause a lot of things I could not see. 453 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,160 I just didn't get it. 454 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,360 And she showed me what those things were. 455 00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:39,800 And she said, "You never have to do this again." 456 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,420 And then she showed me my character defects. 457 00:22:42,420 --> 00:22:46,240 Now my character defects are far from being gone. 458 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,960 You know, as much as I would like them to be gone, 459 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,040 they just pop up, but they look different. 460 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:55,020 You know, a different situation, a different year, 461 00:22:55,020 --> 00:22:55,940 a different time. 462 00:22:55,940 --> 00:22:58,960 Somebody shared in a meeting that went to this morning. 463 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,600 And she said, "You know, one of my character defects 464 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:04,420 is this, this, this, and because of that." 465 00:23:04,420 --> 00:23:07,240 And I went, "Oh, I never thought of that, 466 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,220 but it made perfect sense." 467 00:23:09,220 --> 00:23:10,760 And I thought, "I do that." 468 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:14,400 You know, and that's another thing I love 469 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,160 about this program is that, you know, 470 00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,780 I never stopped learning ever. 471 00:23:18,780 --> 00:23:23,780 I never, I will never graduate from Alcoholics Anonymous. 472 00:23:23,780 --> 00:23:28,080 It's a life journey and what a gift that is. 473 00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,440 One of the things I heard when I first came in 474 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:34,880 was about my, "It's not so much about the drinking." 475 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:36,920 Well, when I, the first couple of years, 476 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:38,780 it was about the drinking for me. 477 00:23:38,780 --> 00:23:42,240 My first year was very, it was hard for me not to drink. 478 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:46,200 As much as I wanted not to, I prayed real hard not to. 479 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,800 And so when people would say, "It's not about the drinking, 480 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:51,800 it's about my thinking," I just didn't get that. 481 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:53,480 And I thought, "Well, take a drink 482 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:55,680 and then tell me it's not about the drinking." 483 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,100 But today I get it. 484 00:23:57,100 --> 00:23:59,400 It's the part in the book that says 485 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:01,840 we had to get down to causes and conditions. 486 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:06,560 It is definitely my thinking and how I react to situations. 487 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:10,040 And, you know, I want to talk about step nine and the amends. 488 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:15,120 So a couple of years ago, I've made my amends, 489 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,200 but a couple of years ago, 490 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,560 one of my brothers came down from Wyoming 491 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,840 and I hadn't seen him for about 20 years. 492 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,640 And I hadn't talked to him probably about that. 493 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:30,620 Maybe 15 to 20, because he had said something 494 00:24:30,620 --> 00:24:34,920 probably in a drunken stupor, but it frightened me. 495 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:37,120 And I just stayed away from him, 496 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:40,480 as did most of my family after that. 497 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,640 But he was coming down to stay with my brother 498 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:47,080 up on the Central Coast, and I was invited to go up, 499 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,600 and I really didn't want to go. 500 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,480 So I called my sponsor and I said, 501 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:53,720 "You know, I think I owe him an amends, 502 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,720 'cause I've never made an amends to him." 503 00:24:55,720 --> 00:25:00,400 And we talked about it and I decided to go, 504 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,800 because that's what I was taught here. 505 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:06,000 You know, you make direct amends when you can. 506 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,400 And I went up there and my nieces and, 507 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,040 some of my nieces and nephews were there. 508 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,200 My brothers and sisters were there, 509 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,520 'cause we hadn't seen this one brother, Mike, 510 00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,720 I would say his name, for quite some time. 511 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:24,720 And, you know, the opportunity to make an amends just, 512 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:27,080 it wasn't the appropriate time. 513 00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:29,560 And, but I was willing to do it. 514 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:32,920 And just in that willingness to do it came 515 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:37,000 a lot of forgiveness and a lot of healing. 516 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,000 And I think there was healing on both of our parts. 517 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:45,000 And we hosted this at my brother Gerald's place. 518 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:49,040 And he, you know, this year has been a little difficult. 519 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,640 We, my brother Gerald passed away this year, 520 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:55,760 and it was very hard on my family. 521 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:59,400 He passed away from treatment, the treatment of cancer, 522 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,160 not the cancer, but the treatment. 523 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,120 But thank goodness for that treatment, 524 00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:07,720 because it gave him 20 more years of a really good life. 525 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,800 And I had a chance to make, you know, 526 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,400 to bond with him and to be closer to him. 527 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,680 And after he passed away, you know, I called my sponsor 528 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,320 and I said, you know, I can't remember 529 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,000 if I made amends to him. 530 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,840 But that was the first thing I thought about is, 531 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:24,880 oh my gosh, did, am I good? 532 00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:27,840 Did we leave on good terms? 533 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,280 And I got to be there close with him 534 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:32,160 when he was unconscious. 535 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:36,120 And I called, a couple of my sisters couldn't be there. 536 00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:40,040 So I called them from his hospital bed and he's unconscious. 537 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:43,200 And I said, hey, you want to talk to Gerald? 538 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:46,000 And they were so grateful for that little opportunity 539 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:47,560 to be able to talk to him. 540 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,960 And whether he heard them or not is not the point, 541 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,000 but they got to say goodbye, you know, 542 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:55,080 because I had gone up there, 543 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,560 made the day trip up there to be with him. 544 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,480 And, you know, all of that 545 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:01,840 is because of Alcoholics Anonymous. 546 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:06,160 Yeah, and the end result of that conversation 547 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:09,360 was my sponsor came to the conclusion, 548 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:10,720 yes, I made amends. 549 00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,840 You know, I thought, oh yeah, no, I did. 550 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:13,760 We were good. 551 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:17,240 You know, this program, like I said, 552 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:19,200 I don't do it perfectly. 553 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,840 I make so many of the same mistakes over and over. 554 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:25,640 I feel like that little Duracell battery guy 555 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,400 that runs into the wall and just, 556 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,280 I'm like, when am I gonna learn, you know? 557 00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,120 But I don't do it intentionally, 558 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,680 but it just seems like a good idea at the time. 559 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:37,040 And there I go again. 560 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:40,040 But thank goodness for Alcoholics Anonymous 561 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,880 that it doesn't say I have to do the same perfectly. 562 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,440 Otherwise I couldn't be here anymore. 563 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,480 It just says it's progress, you know, 564 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:49,240 progress, not perfection. 565 00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:52,920 And so I get up and I try again to do it better. 566 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:54,960 Maria, you said it perfectly. 567 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:58,160 You know, we get up and we do it, keep it simple. 568 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,160 We just try to do it good today. 569 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:03,000 You know, try to do the next right good thing today. 570 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:06,360 So Abraham, thank you for letting me share. 571 00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,640 I wanna thank all of you for being here 572 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:13,480 and for being present in Alcoholics Anonymous. 573 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:15,400 You guys have saved my life. 574 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:18,640 You know, I, and I have gotten, 575 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,800 I wouldn't like to say beyond my wildest dreams, 576 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:25,040 but a life I didn't know I wanted or needed. 577 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:28,880 And I've gotten that through AA, so thank you. 578 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:31,800 (muffled speaking) 579 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:35,720 - Oh look, I'm right there. 580 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:36,720 Welcome to the Quality of Life, 581 00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:39,360 Saturday speaker meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.