1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,520 - Hi, my name's Brandy and I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:03,520 - Hi Brandy. 3 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:05,260 - Welcome to Anyone That's New. 4 00:00:05,260 --> 00:00:08,600 And thank you so much for your lead before mine. 5 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:10,600 It was really good to hear your story. 6 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:15,600 My sobriety date is June 7th of 2020. 7 00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:20,280 It is not my first sobriety date. 8 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:23,940 Before that I had two years and two weeks 9 00:00:23,940 --> 00:00:27,560 and then I relapsed during the pandemic. 10 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:31,900 I drank for a day and by the grace of God 11 00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:34,920 came back into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous 12 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,000 the next day. 13 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,160 And just kind of like they say, 14 00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:41,060 it's like really hard to drink 15 00:00:41,060 --> 00:00:44,040 when you have a head full of AA. 16 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:45,560 I remember sitting in my kitchen drunk 17 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:48,660 literally like writing out the 12 steps like crying. 18 00:00:48,660 --> 00:00:51,760 Like I was like, how did I get here again, right? 19 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,080 But like, that's the illness. 20 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:56,100 Thinking that I could just take one 21 00:00:56,100 --> 00:01:00,380 and I proved to myself that I could not. 22 00:01:00,380 --> 00:01:05,380 But yeah, so, you know, like what makes me an alcoholic 23 00:01:05,380 --> 00:01:07,940 is very much so like what you talked about too, right? 24 00:01:07,940 --> 00:01:10,480 Like what's in the book, what's in the doctor's opinion 25 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:15,160 is once I take one, it develops that phenomenon of craving 26 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,320 and I cannot stop like on my own willpower, right? 27 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:21,240 And so like during that relapse, I really learned that 28 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,940 because I really thought I was just gonna have one beer 29 00:01:24,940 --> 00:01:28,720 and then it escalated to another beer and then another beer. 30 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,680 And then I was like reaching for vodka 31 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:34,360 and I just was like, how is this happening again, right? 32 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:39,120 And so anyways, also like I think everything 33 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:43,360 I'm about to share is just like my own personal experience. 34 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,320 I don't think any of it is like 35 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:48,280 what made me an alcoholic or not. 36 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,760 I think what makes me an alcoholic too is just, 37 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:54,080 I like the effects produced by alcohol period. 38 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,280 But I will share kind of like what it was like 39 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:57,640 and what it's like now. 40 00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:00,280 I was born in Santa Monica. 41 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:03,880 I drug tested positive for opiates when I was born. 42 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:07,340 I immediately got taken away from my biological mom 43 00:02:07,340 --> 00:02:08,920 and put into foster care. 44 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:12,920 I got put into foster care in Santa Clarita. 45 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:16,180 My foster parents ended up adopting me. 46 00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:18,960 Thank goodness, I didn't have to go from home to home 47 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,960 like some of my other siblings had to. 48 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,360 I grew up with an older sister and two brothers. 49 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:28,480 I was the only person in my family that was adopted. 50 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:31,560 I had everything I ever needed. 51 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,560 I grew up in a four story house 52 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:36,780 with a basketball court and a pool 53 00:02:36,780 --> 00:02:38,920 and we took family vacations 54 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:43,460 and I was very much so loved by my family. 55 00:02:43,460 --> 00:02:46,120 But again, I always felt very different. 56 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:49,500 My whole family is blonde hair and blue eyes. 57 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:50,600 They're all white. 58 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:55,600 I knew from a young age that something was kind of different 59 00:02:55,600 --> 00:03:00,120 and I noticed when I went to kindergarten, 60 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:01,780 yeah, I came home and I asked my mom, 61 00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:04,520 I'm like, how come I don't look like you 62 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,220 or anyone in this house? 63 00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:08,800 I was really confused. 64 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,260 She always was honest with me. 65 00:03:11,260 --> 00:03:14,440 She told me you didn't come from my tummy. 66 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:15,320 You were adopted. 67 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,680 I didn't know what that meant. 68 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,000 I later on learned what that meant 69 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,560 and she sat me down and told me the reason 70 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,680 why I was adopted much later in life. 71 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:28,280 I think I was in high school when we had that conversation. 72 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,440 And yeah, so I don't know. 73 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:33,880 I grew up and had a really good childhood. 74 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,280 I got into seventh grade, 75 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:38,480 I think was the first time I smoked weed. 76 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:41,960 Again, just like trying to fit in with everyone, 77 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:46,200 didn't feel a part of, felt uncomfortable in my own skin. 78 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,360 Smoked weed, I drank a little bit, 79 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,080 but I didn't like the taste of alcohol. 80 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:52,880 I didn't like the taste of beer. 81 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:53,780 I thought it was gross. 82 00:03:53,780 --> 00:03:56,800 I didn't understand why people did it. 83 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,520 Fast forward, I get to high school 84 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:03,420 and again, just like trying to fit in with everyone. 85 00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:05,860 And I drank with some people 86 00:04:05,860 --> 00:04:08,160 and I got completely blacked out. 87 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,840 I drank a whole bottle of Jaeger and red wine. 88 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:13,760 It was the first time I was drunk. 89 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:18,760 I blacked out and threw up all in this guy's car. 90 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,120 It was terrible. 91 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:22,720 My friends didn't know what to do with me. 92 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:26,880 They just went and dropped me off at another friend's house. 93 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,720 They had to carry me in and my friend's mom 94 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,600 had to put me in the shower and hose me off. 95 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,900 And it was just the most embarrassing thing. 96 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,520 I got grounded right away. 97 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:40,640 I got my cell phone and everything taken away. 98 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:45,640 And I didn't touch alcohol after that for a couple of years. 99 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,160 I didn't think it was fun. 100 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,560 I didn't get it. 101 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:52,360 I was like, obviously this is not for me. 102 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,520 I didn't have that feeling that some people have 103 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:59,740 where they're like, ah, I didn't have that right away. 104 00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:03,820 And yeah, so I didn't touch alcohol for a while, 105 00:05:03,820 --> 00:05:06,960 but I did start messing around with drugs. 106 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:11,960 I started doing acid and smoking more weed and taking ecstasy 107 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,480 and going to a bunch of raves. 108 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:18,720 And that was back when EDC was still in LA. 109 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:22,400 And I just like, that I loved. 110 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:25,640 I definitely felt that ease and comfort 111 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:29,360 from taking ecstasy and doing drugs and things like that. 112 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,940 And yeah, I was off. 113 00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:34,920 I was doing it every single weekend, couldn't stop. 114 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:39,920 And then I think by the time I was 19, I was smoking meth. 115 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:44,000 It escalated very fast. 116 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:47,440 And yeah, I got too high one time. 117 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:52,440 And again, had this spiritual experience kind of. 118 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,920 I had this outer body experience. 119 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:57,900 I think I had been up for a couple of days. 120 00:05:57,900 --> 00:06:00,280 I thought I saw myself from above 121 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,520 and my friends were shaking me to come to. 122 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:06,680 And I thought I died and it was just this whole thing. 123 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:08,880 And again, it scared me so bad that I was like, 124 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,960 oh my God, not touching that again. 125 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,240 I literally just thought I died. 126 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:16,960 So there's all these signs too, right? 127 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,300 God was trying to tell me, stop. 128 00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:24,120 But again, so I stopped for a little bit 129 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:25,840 and then switched back to, 130 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,420 okay, well, let me try drinking again 131 00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:30,760 because it's been some time and let me start doing that. 132 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,080 Just all the things it talks about in the book, 133 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,200 switching and justifying and trying to make sense 134 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:38,560 of all of it, right? 135 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,400 And yeah, so I started drinking again 136 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,280 and completely fell in love with it. 137 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:47,360 Fell in love with beer, fell in love with hard alcohol, 138 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,080 you know, was just like out partying 139 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:53,080 and just was off to the races. 140 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:58,080 And during this time, my brother, 141 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:02,240 who I watched my entire life go in and out of treatment, 142 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:06,380 go to multiple rehabs, multiple seizures, 143 00:07:06,380 --> 00:07:12,240 you know, he in 2014 got into a car accident and died. 144 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:15,560 And he, you know, was one of us, 145 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:19,000 he was drinking and driving, he was leaving work. 146 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,760 He had just like lost, you know, 147 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,660 he lost like this job that he had for a really long time. 148 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:27,920 He was a chef and, you know, he lost his job. 149 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:31,020 So my parents were living in Palm Springs at the time 150 00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:34,040 and they thought it would be a good idea 151 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:38,040 to move him closer to them so they could try to watch him, 152 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,840 I guess, or help him or, 153 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,940 they didn't know what to do with him at this point. 154 00:07:41,940 --> 00:07:44,520 And so he was leaving work 155 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:47,600 and he had someone else in the car with him 156 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:51,680 and he went over like the median 157 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,860 and then tried to like correct himself. 158 00:07:53,860 --> 00:07:58,040 And another car came and hit him and teebowed him 159 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,280 and he died on impact. 160 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,960 And the other person in the car lived. 161 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,320 Thank God, thank God the other person lived. 162 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:10,360 And yeah, they said his body was unrecognizable. 163 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:13,040 The only thing they could recognize him by 164 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:17,340 and identify him by was a tattoo that he had on his back. 165 00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:20,800 And yeah, I was 24 when that happened 166 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,740 and it was absolutely devastating. 167 00:08:23,740 --> 00:08:27,400 Like my family did not know how to handle that. 168 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,120 And I didn't know how to handle that. 169 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:34,880 And so if I wasn't already like an everyday drinker, 170 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,540 I quickly, quickly became one 171 00:08:37,540 --> 00:08:41,860 and my disease just went even higher 172 00:08:41,860 --> 00:08:43,640 than I thought it could, right? 173 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:48,960 And you would think that that situation would scare me, 174 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,600 but I didn't even like put it together 175 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,880 that like, oh, because of his drinking, 176 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:55,960 because he was under the influence, 177 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,200 like I didn't even think of that. 178 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,880 Like, oh, maybe I should slow down my drinking. 179 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:02,760 Oh, maybe I shouldn't drink and drive. 180 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,520 Oh, maybe I shouldn't be driving around with a tall can 181 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:08,240 and then having another tall can in my glove compartment. 182 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:10,880 Like that thought never occurred to me. 183 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,620 It absolutely never occurred to me. 184 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,760 And my other brother, 185 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:18,800 I remember right after my brother Trevor had passed, 186 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,460 my brother Kyle came up to me and he goes, 187 00:09:21,460 --> 00:09:22,680 you're my brother now. 188 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:24,160 And I said, okay. 189 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,560 And we partied, like me and my other brother, 190 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,840 like, and again, like not even the thought of like, 191 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,160 maybe we should slow it down or, you know, 192 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,840 we just like, we did not know how to handle this grief. 193 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:36,680 Right? 194 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,480 We did not know how to deal with life on life's terms. 195 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:42,320 Like we had to watch my parents go through this, right? 196 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,920 Like I lost a brother, but they lost a son. 197 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,740 And it was like, it was so devastating. 198 00:09:48,740 --> 00:09:51,200 And me and my brother, you know, 199 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:52,520 didn't know how to handle it. 200 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,640 And we just, we were using together. 201 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,160 We were drinking together. 202 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,120 We were, you know, 203 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:03,120 and it wasn't until the end of probably 2016 204 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:06,720 that then I was again using drugs every day, 205 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:08,120 drinking every day. 206 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:12,280 I was, you know, getting kicked out of bars, 207 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:15,200 not getting invited anymore. 208 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,100 Just all these things, you know, 209 00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,400 no one wanted to hang out with me. 210 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,160 And my brother sat me down. 211 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,320 Him and this guy I was dating at the time, 212 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:28,000 who the guy I was using with every single day, 213 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,640 him and my brother sat me down and they were like, 214 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:34,040 "Hey, if you don't get help, like we are so scared of you. 215 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:36,220 "We don't know what to do with you. 216 00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:38,540 "If you don't get help," like my brother was like, 217 00:10:38,540 --> 00:10:39,720 "I'm gonna go to mom and dad. 218 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:42,060 "Like, I don't know what to do." 219 00:10:42,060 --> 00:10:44,900 And I said, "Okay, all right." 220 00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:45,740 You know? 221 00:10:45,740 --> 00:10:50,440 And that was like one of my like first kind of rock bottoms 222 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,600 was like hearing it from my brother, you know, 223 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,800 it like kind of was like, all right, 224 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,380 I think I need to do something about this, right? 225 00:10:59,380 --> 00:11:02,040 And so I was like, I'll go to therapy. 226 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:05,120 I was like, I'll go to therapy and I'll figure out 227 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,020 like why I'm like this or what's going on 228 00:11:07,020 --> 00:11:09,020 or why I can't stop. 229 00:11:09,020 --> 00:11:15,000 And so I went to therapy and after my first therapy session, 230 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,540 she gave me a homework assignment and she said, 231 00:11:18,540 --> 00:11:21,760 "You need to go to an alcoholic synonymous meeting." 232 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,000 And she said, "And then when we meet next week, 233 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,240 "we can talk about it." 234 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:28,160 And I said, "Oh, okay." 235 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,840 And so I did, I went to my first AA meeting. 236 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,280 It was in Hollywood on Sunset. 237 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,360 It was at the Rainbow Room, which is a bar, 238 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,720 which I thought was very interesting. 239 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:43,880 And I walked upstairs and I was like, 240 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,480 I don't know if I'm in the right place. 241 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,200 And they were like, "You are." 242 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:53,200 I sat in that meeting and I don't remember too much. 243 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,880 I do remember this person shared 244 00:11:55,880 --> 00:12:00,680 and it was so sad what they had shared. 245 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,580 And I remember sitting there and being like, 246 00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:04,600 "Why am I here? 247 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,040 "This is sad. 248 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:07,920 "People are talking about sad things. 249 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:10,580 "I'm already sad and depressed. 250 00:12:10,580 --> 00:12:14,760 "I don't wanna come here about other people's problems." 251 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,960 And I remember walking out 252 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:22,120 and I don't know if someone came up to me or what, 253 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,400 but someone handed me the big book. 254 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,980 And it's the same big book that I have today. 255 00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:31,760 And I didn't read it then at all. 256 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,360 It sat on my shelf for another year. 257 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,380 But yeah, I left there crying. 258 00:12:37,380 --> 00:12:40,320 And I was like, "I'm never going back there again." 259 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:46,240 So again, I tried to do the whole therapy thing. 260 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:50,280 And I was trying to wean myself off of cocaine. 261 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,600 And so I was doing Adderall, 262 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,040 but then I was still drinking. 263 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,640 But I was like, "Oh, I'm 30 days off cocaine." 264 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,880 I was just the insanity of all of it. 265 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:04,620 And so me and the guy I was using with, 266 00:13:04,620 --> 00:13:07,160 we broke up, it didn't work out, shocker. 267 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:11,620 And I immediately got into another relationship 268 00:13:11,620 --> 00:13:13,320 like a few weeks later. 269 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:17,080 And same thing happened, right? 270 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:18,800 This guy sat me down and he said, 271 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:22,120 "Hey, you have a serious drinking problem 272 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:26,020 "and you need to stop and you need help." 273 00:13:26,020 --> 00:13:30,500 But he also said, "I think I have one too." 274 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,900 And he's like, "I'm gonna stop." 275 00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:35,520 And I was like, "Oh, okay." 276 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:38,600 And so at this point too, right? 277 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:42,020 I needed to have a little bit more experience 278 00:13:42,020 --> 00:13:45,400 'cause I did end up dating this guy 279 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,080 and I ended up in the hospital. 280 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:51,680 I had to like, I was riding one of those bird scooters 281 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:56,680 and I ran into a pole and bashed my whole face open. 282 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:59,880 And I tried to fight the paramedics. 283 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,800 They were trying to put a neck brace on me 284 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,240 and I ripped it off and threw it at them 285 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:07,560 and was screaming with blood dripping down my face. 286 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,540 And I don't know how I didn't get arrested. 287 00:14:10,540 --> 00:14:15,160 But like things like that were like happening. 288 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,460 And again, that's when he sat me down. 289 00:14:18,460 --> 00:14:23,120 And so I said, "Okay," I said, "Fine." 290 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:28,120 And his dad had passed away from cirrhosis of the liver. 291 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:34,260 And so he had seen where this illness can take us. 292 00:14:34,260 --> 00:14:37,240 And so that's why he was wanting to stop 293 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:40,080 'cause he knew he had taken it too far as well. 294 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,080 And so, you know, we tried to do it. 295 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:47,080 Like I cut like cold turkey and I got really sick 296 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:49,960 and it was really, really hard. 297 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:54,200 And again, still was not gonna go to AA, 298 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,840 but I got a gym membership 299 00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:59,480 and I was reading all these spiritual books 300 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:04,240 and we were going to the gym like every single day. 301 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,840 It was all we were doing. 302 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:10,520 And it worked for a little bit. 303 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:15,120 It did, it worked for about 10 months. 304 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:16,900 And I was miserable. 305 00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:19,720 I was so miserable. 306 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:23,120 And I could not remember why I stopped. 307 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,440 I was like, "Why are we doing this again?" 308 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:27,380 And, you know, but I was gonna prove to him 309 00:15:27,380 --> 00:15:29,080 that I could not drink for a year, right? 310 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:30,840 That was like my whole goal was like, 311 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:34,080 "I can do this," you know, just... 312 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,280 And so thank goodness his mom was a member of Alcoholics 313 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,600 Anonymous and had 13 years sober. 314 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,760 And I remember sitting in her kitchen, 315 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:43,720 he was from the East Coast from Boston. 316 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:47,200 And I remember sitting in the kitchen and talking to her 317 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,680 and just being like, "Yeah, like, you know, 318 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,920 I have like 10 months and, you know, 319 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,160 I think we're doing good, but like, 320 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,500 I don't remember why like I'm even doing this." 321 00:15:57,500 --> 00:16:00,640 And she was like, "You need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous." 322 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:04,040 She was like, "You have no solution." 323 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:07,440 She's like, "That's why you feel this way," you know? 324 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,480 And I think she got out her book 325 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,400 and was like reading some stuff to me. 326 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:15,080 And I just said, "Okay, yeah, you know what? 327 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:15,920 I'll go." 328 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,980 And so I was living in Santa Monica at the time. 329 00:16:17,980 --> 00:16:21,000 And I went to another meeting. 330 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,520 It was like a Monday night meeting at the Marina Center. 331 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:29,900 And I walked in and there were like people my age there. 332 00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:32,040 And there were like all these girls there. 333 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,800 And they were like all, you know, had tattoos 334 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,300 and they all worked in recovery. 335 00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:38,920 And they all had like three years of sobriety. 336 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,580 And I thought they were lying 337 00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:43,000 and I couldn't even believe it, you know? 338 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,560 Like I was like, "What?" 339 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,680 Like, "You guys just look cool." 340 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,800 Like I was like, just like, I was like, "I don't know." 341 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,120 And so, yeah, they just kind of like 342 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:56,360 took me under their wing and I sat in the meeting 343 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:58,040 and I feel like I actually listened 344 00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,840 and like heard what people were saying. 345 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:04,200 And I was like, "Wow, this whole time, you know, 346 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,800 I just thought I was like crazy 347 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,480 or like I was acting this way because I was adopted." 348 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:11,040 Or like all these things that I like made up in my head 349 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:12,320 of like, "I have trauma. 350 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:15,000 This is why I can act this way or be this way 351 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,280 or do whatever," you know? 352 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:21,560 And no, they explained it to me and, you know, 353 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:25,360 they told me like, "You need to get a sponsor like right away 354 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:26,920 and you need to work these steps." 355 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:31,920 And they invited me to go to In-N-Out with them afterwards. 356 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:37,000 And I was like, "Wow, I feel a part of something," you know? 357 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:41,920 And so I did, I got a sponsor like the next day. 358 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:46,280 My first sponsor, Haley, she's absolutely amazing. 359 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:47,780 She's not my sponsor anymore. 360 00:17:47,780 --> 00:17:49,360 She moved to Tennessee. 361 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,480 I still call her for things. 362 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,840 We still talk pretty much daily. 363 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,600 She's amazing. 364 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:59,960 She's the first woman to take me through all 12 steps. 365 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:03,560 And she gave me direction, you know? 366 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,400 And I think my first time around, 367 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:10,460 what happened was I still thought 368 00:18:10,460 --> 00:18:12,340 I was very much so in control. 369 00:18:12,340 --> 00:18:15,620 You know, if you ever asked me to share at a meeting, 370 00:18:15,620 --> 00:18:16,880 I always said no. 371 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:20,620 If you asked me to read chapter five or anything, I said no. 372 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:25,680 You know, I was not taking direction really. 373 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:28,720 I was in the work and in the steps, 374 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:32,120 but I just like was still only like picking 375 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,200 and choosing what I wanted to do. 376 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,400 And I really was only going to like one meeting a week 377 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,000 and didn't have a commitment, you know? 378 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,680 And all these things were suggested to me. 379 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,880 Like you should raise your hand and share. 380 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,240 You should get a commitment. 381 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,760 You should probably go to like a women's meeting too. 382 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,640 Like all these things were, you know, suggested. 383 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,680 And I was like, no, I'm okay, I'm good, I'm all right. 384 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,120 You know, I got this, I'm good, you know? 385 00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:59,600 Like, and then COVID happened and everything shut down. 386 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:03,480 And like my one meeting that I went to got taken away. 387 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:04,840 And that was like where I got to hang out 388 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,960 with all my friends, you know? 389 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,840 And I refused to do Zoom meetings. 390 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:12,120 And I was still a little bit in the work, 391 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:16,080 but I just don't think I was like fully ready. 392 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:19,680 And I think it was also because somebody else 393 00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:21,440 was telling me I needed to. 394 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:26,320 And so I was still trying to prove a point, 395 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:27,800 I think, to other people. 396 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:32,520 And that like frothiness of other people's like emotions 397 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,280 of them telling me, you know, it didn't work. 398 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,360 'Cause I wasn't really fully ready to stop. 399 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,480 And I still had reservations. 400 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,000 I still kept being like, 401 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,760 oh, but once I hit this amount of time, 402 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,640 or, oh, well, once I get married, 403 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,440 or, oh, well, once I'm retired, you know? 404 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:54,440 Like I still thought that I could manage and control it 405 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,800 maybe one day. 406 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,920 And I think I was probably at like step six or seven 407 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,840 when I relapsed. 408 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:06,840 And yeah, again, like I remembered it was when 409 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:10,360 like all those riots and everything were going on 410 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:13,720 in Santa Monica and I was like super scared. 411 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:17,840 And I remember I had gotten into a big fight 412 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,800 with my boyfriend and I was like, you know, 413 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,120 drove back out to Santa Clarita because I knew 414 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:26,240 that there was alcohol at my parents' place. 415 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:29,120 And so I drove all the way from Santa Monica 416 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,400 to my parents' house in Santa Clarita 417 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:32,840 because I knew there was alcohol there 418 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,560 and I knew I could hide it 'cause nobody was there. 419 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,840 And I, instead of calling my sponsor, 420 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:42,840 I called my one friend who she might be one of us. 421 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:47,720 And I called another friend who he might be one of us too. 422 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,960 And I told them, "I think I'm gonna drink." 423 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,500 And they both 100% validated and said, 424 00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:54,360 "Yeah, I think you could just have one." 425 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:57,000 And I said, "Yep, that's the answer I'm looking for." 426 00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:01,720 And so again, that's what I did and I drank, yeah. 427 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:02,720 And guess what? 428 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,760 I couldn't, I couldn't just have one. 429 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,540 And like I said, you know, in the beginning, 430 00:21:06,540 --> 00:21:10,260 I was reaching for the bottle of vodka 431 00:21:10,260 --> 00:21:12,520 when then my boyfriend I was dating at the time 432 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,240 then walked in on me. 433 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,840 And that's the only reason I didn't touch it 434 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:20,080 was because he grabbed it out of my hand and set it down. 435 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,200 But I was going for it, you know? 436 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,180 And I knew like if I drank that, 437 00:21:25,180 --> 00:21:27,320 I probably then was gonna pick up, you know? 438 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:31,440 And like fentanyl wasn't as big of a thing as it is now, 439 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:32,900 you know, back when I was using. 440 00:21:32,900 --> 00:21:37,360 So who knew what could have happened, right? 441 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:40,280 And so I called my sponsor the next day 442 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:42,460 and you know, told her that I had relapsed 443 00:21:42,460 --> 00:21:44,960 and she was like, "Yeah, I get it." 444 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,480 You know, she's like, "Well, you missed something. 445 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:48,860 So let's go back." 446 00:21:48,860 --> 00:21:50,060 I said, "Okay." 447 00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:51,920 I was so embarrassed. 448 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,080 And she was like, "Girl, I've been to rehab 13 times. 449 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:54,920 You're good." 450 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,860 Like, that's like, she literally was like, 451 00:21:57,860 --> 00:21:59,640 "This is like your experience." 452 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:00,820 Like this is, you know? 453 00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,340 And I was like, "All right." 454 00:22:02,340 --> 00:22:05,560 And so we got right back into the steps. 455 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:10,560 We got into the work and I really did absolutely everything 456 00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:14,080 that she suggested this time. 457 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,480 I sat in all these new meetings. 458 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,840 I messaged people for their numbers. 459 00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:20,520 I called people. 460 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,860 I did all of the stuff, right? 461 00:22:22,860 --> 00:22:25,100 I worked these steps. 462 00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:30,880 And I would say it was when I got to about step nine 463 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:34,280 and I made my first amends and I was like, 464 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,200 "I think this is what everyone is talking about." 465 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:40,680 I was like, "I think this is like the spiritual experience." 466 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:44,120 And I think like this awakening is like starting 467 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:45,680 to happen to me. 468 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:49,040 And it really opened my eyes, right? 469 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:54,120 And then, you know, things started opening back up. 470 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:57,560 I moved back out to Santa Clarita. 471 00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:01,180 And again, I just got super, super involved. 472 00:23:01,180 --> 00:23:04,520 I joined, you know, young people's committees. 473 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,560 I secretaried meetings. 474 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:11,060 And again, like in this past like five and a half years, 475 00:23:11,060 --> 00:23:12,900 I've did everything opposite. 476 00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:16,040 I did those first two years, you know, 477 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:19,600 like my life depends on it because it does. 478 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:20,800 It absolutely does. 479 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,720 Like this is a very serious thing. 480 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:28,500 And, you know, I continued to work with others, 481 00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:32,840 like throughout this entire sobriety, you know, 482 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:36,400 and I always say yes to helping others, 483 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:39,880 to speaking at meetings, you know. 484 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:42,860 I've constantly had a commitment in this sobriety. 485 00:23:42,860 --> 00:23:46,580 I've had multiple commitments, you know, at a time. 486 00:23:46,580 --> 00:23:50,360 And again, I'm like not trying to say all this 487 00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,440 to be like on this like spiritual high top 488 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:54,000 or anything like that, you know, 489 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,560 where it's just like, this is just again, 490 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,500 what has been suggested to me. 491 00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:02,120 And so it's just like, I've done all of it, you know. 492 00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:05,520 And I don't know like which part's working more 493 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,560 or which part's working less or, you know. 494 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:10,480 So I'm just going to continue to do all of it 495 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:14,120 because I'm too scared to like stop one over here, 496 00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,880 do this or pull back, you know. 497 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,440 And again, I don't do this perfectly at all. 498 00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:22,600 Like there's been times where I've been a little bit dry, 499 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,160 you know, where I've been like, 500 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,160 I don't need to go to the meeting 501 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:29,160 or I don't need to pick up the phone 502 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,840 or I don't need to drive all the way to Malibu 503 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,840 to meet a newcomer to read, you know, 504 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:36,840 like there's times where I'm like, do I still have to do this 505 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,860 you know, but I do. 506 00:24:39,860 --> 00:24:44,860 I absolutely need to because I am selfish 507 00:24:44,860 --> 00:24:48,340 and I am self-centered to my core. 508 00:24:48,340 --> 00:24:50,360 Like those are my default settings 509 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:52,580 and what's been suggested to me 510 00:24:52,580 --> 00:24:57,040 and the best way to get out of self is to help others, right. 511 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,120 And, you know, I got this new sponsor 512 00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:00,360 that I've been working with 513 00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:04,480 and I heard her speak at a meeting this past summer 514 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:07,840 and she just carried this message of like depth and weight 515 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:12,200 and she talked about doing the steps very quickly, 516 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:15,560 very quickly, immediately putting someone on a third step 517 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,480 and immediately putting them the second week on a fourth step 518 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,480 and she's very big into pages 60 to 63 519 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,800 and had me reading those every single morning 520 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:28,560 and she really like has been going through this book with me 521 00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:33,240 line by line, multiple third step book studies, you know, 522 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:34,820 has me call her every day. 523 00:25:34,820 --> 00:25:37,360 How are you helpful towards others, right? 524 00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:39,020 Did you read your pages? 525 00:25:39,020 --> 00:25:41,120 And if I'm like, oh no, I haven't read the pages yet 526 00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:42,480 but she hangs up on me. 527 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:47,960 I'm like, oh, she's like, call me when you read them. 528 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:51,560 Like, okay, I read them every day, I just didn't yet. 529 00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:53,360 And she's like, cool, don't care. 530 00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:57,520 Call me once you've read them, you know, like, 531 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:01,680 and she's hard on me and she's like nothing personal, right? 532 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:04,960 Like she's just like, this is life or death. 533 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:09,320 And it is, it's a very serious thing, you know, 534 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,100 and I needed that, like I needed that. 535 00:26:12,100 --> 00:26:14,520 Like, you know, I've had a couple of sponsors 536 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:18,320 throughout this sobriety and she's just kind of like 537 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,020 what I need right now. 538 00:26:20,020 --> 00:26:26,280 And it's been like a really good experience, you know, 539 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:30,000 and again, like I think what has helped again, 540 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:34,580 like this whole time is always just reading 541 00:26:34,580 --> 00:26:37,680 with someone like that is the best way to get out of self. 542 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:43,480 And it's just such like a spiritual experience, right? 543 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:46,640 Like sitting down and reading the book with someone 544 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:47,800 and you're like, I don't understand 545 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:49,720 how this is gonna help me, right? 546 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,860 But then you're like in the first three chapters 547 00:26:51,860 --> 00:26:53,880 and you're explaining this illness to them 548 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:55,800 and how it centers in our mind 549 00:26:55,800 --> 00:27:00,080 and you're having them like go through the steps 550 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:03,520 and do the readings and sharing your experience. 551 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:07,200 And like, you know, it's like the whole point 552 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:08,480 of this thing, right? 553 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:12,960 The whole goal is like I want to have that obsession removed 554 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:14,600 'cause why else would I do this 555 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,720 if I didn't want that, right? 556 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:20,140 I don't wanna be like sitting in a meeting, you know, 557 00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:23,320 still thinking about drinking and using with time. 558 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:24,920 That's crazy. 559 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:29,240 And so, you know, like I've had that obsession be removed. 560 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:32,540 I can go places that normal people can go, right? 561 00:27:32,540 --> 00:27:36,440 And I don't even ever think about it, you know? 562 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:40,280 And again, it's because I'm constantly in the book, 563 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,160 constantly being of service, like, 564 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:46,240 and just like always relying on my higher power, 565 00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:50,000 like always like knowing that there's God in everything, 566 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,120 you know, like even coming to speak here tonight, 567 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,020 like my sponsor was like, you go. 568 00:27:55,020 --> 00:27:59,040 And I'm like, yeah, of course, whatever, you know, 569 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:00,780 like whatever you need. 570 00:28:00,780 --> 00:28:02,200 And so, yeah, I don't know. 571 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:05,720 I'm just like super grateful for, you know, 572 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:07,640 everything I've gotten in sobriety. 573 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,920 Like again, my life isn't perfect, but you know, 574 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:14,040 I left my nine to five job to follow my passion 575 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:15,480 as a hairdresser. 576 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:19,400 I am running the LA marathon with BitShuva 577 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,480 and get to fundraise money for them 578 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:23,680 and they're, you know, amazing recovery group 579 00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:24,760 on the west side. 580 00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:28,240 And, you know, I just got my Pilates certification 581 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,120 and like, I just like things I would have never 582 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:32,540 dreamt about, right? 583 00:28:32,540 --> 00:28:35,280 Like things I didn't even know I wanted to be goals, 584 00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:38,520 like are things that I'm doing now. 585 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:42,680 And it's just, yes, it's just, it's a blessing. 586 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,360 And I'm just so grateful for my sobriety 587 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:46,520 and my life today. 588 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:49,080 So thanks, that's how I got it.