1
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 Good evening. Hi, my name is Tricia. I'm an alcoholic and I want to start with a few PSAs

2
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 Um, I am probably not the typical speaker

3
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 They asked to speak at this meeting because my language is not always appropriate and I apologize in advance if I say something that is

4
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 Offensive. I'm told you guys will qualify every time I class. It might be a very coffee meeting. Um, also I just came from work

5
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 So my attire is also not up to par for what you guys normally like

6
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 I've shot I've been to this meeting twice to share and both times I came straight from my office and today

7
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 It was casual Saturday. So it's even more casual than normal. Um

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 There's also a lot of drugs in my story

9
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 So if that offend you I apologize might be a good excuse, you know to talk to me after the meeting and tell me how

10
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 You feel about it. I'm open to that if you if you feel like it, um, so like most of us here, obviously

11
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 I have a problem

12
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 For a long time. I thought my problem was drugs and alcohol, but it turns out my problem is me

13
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 And if I look back at my history of drinking and drugging and I get really honest with myself

14
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 It's really clear that it was me and it was me a long time before the the drugs and alcohol came into the picture

15
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 Um, I wasn't one of those people that was casually using it one time and was able to manage it and then it got bad

16
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 That's not my story

17
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 There was never a line in the sand that I crossed except for that first time from the very first time

18
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 I picked up a substance. It was on a Kraken

19
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 There's another fellowship that says one is too many in a thousands never enough. I always say the thousands just getting started

20
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 Um, I started using it a very very very young age. Most people when they say that they're talking like 12

21
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 And I'm talking like elementary school. Um, my first drug of choice was actually not alcohol

22
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 It was meth but I over the years. I really like to mix the two together

23
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 They go really well in my opinion not some real people's but um when I was too high on the meth

24
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 I would drink a lot of booze to come down and sleep and for a long time

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 That was my routine all of the things you can think of

26
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 Think of everything that you don't think you should do while getting loaded. I did that

27
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 We're not gonna give all over some details

28
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 All of the I'm never gonna be like this person. I'm never gonna do that. I would never do that

29
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 I did every single one of those by the time I quit and for most of my life

30
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 I didn't think it was a problem

31
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 I mean everybody else looking at me knew I had a problem, but I didn't think it was a problem

32
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 And I would and if you told me it was a problem, I would just push you out of my life

33
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 I really only associated with people that drank and used like I did which means I mostly hung out with myself

34
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 Because you know most people can't drink and use like I can't um

35
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 It was me and my little dog towards the end and that was it like everybody else in my world

36
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 I had pushed away. I don't I come from a really good family

37
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 none of them are drunk none of them drinker news drugs my older sister smokes a little bit of weed on occasion and when she

38
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 Got cancer. She looked a little bit more weed until it gave her a sore throat

39
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 She just stopped because it gave her a sore throat and I'm like what's wrong with you?

40
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 You still have lunch left like how are you not gonna finish that like there's still some left. What do you mean my throat hurts?

41
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 I'm gonna stop like that concept to me. Just doesn't make any sense like I don't get it

42
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 Um, but everybody else, you know, like all of us and it's just you know, whatever my dad can go to dinner

43
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 Have a half a glass of wine because it goes pairs well with steak and then he moves on about the rest of his life

44
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 So, I mean I had a really good childhood considering I started doing hard drugs at like eight years old

45
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 Um, I didn't fit in really well. It was kind of awkward and clumsy

46
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 I have red hair which didn't help any and when I was young I got headlights

47
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 So we shaped my we cut my hair off

48
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 That was my family's decision on how to get rid of it because we kept trying to get rid of it and wouldn't go away

49
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 So at school they were teasing me calling about a boy and I just didn't feel like I just never really felt like I fit in

50
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 Anywhere, um, even when I was getting loaded. I didn't really feel like I fit in let's be honest first time in my life

51
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 I really ever felt like I fit in was when I came to a 12-step program and the feeling was so good

52
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 I ate it up like coming to AA was the first time I ever just felt like oh I can breathe

53
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 It's not that bad. Look all these other people feel just like me and they're okay

54
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:55,800
 Um towards the end of my using um, I was living in Compton look like I fit in there, right?

55
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 I was doing things like pressure washing the sidewalk because you know

56
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 Don't you know that's what we should do and spray-painting the cement wall across the street on the freeway. I'm telling myself I was an artist

57
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 Living in a shack. Okay, I called that we were calling it an apartment, but let's be real there were no windows

58
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 There was plywood that the guy was dating had drilled on the walls where windows should go because he felt it would keep me safer

59
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 There were rats

60
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 There was just whoever was there was there. I didn't really care

61
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 As long as they had drugs and alcohol they were could hang until they you know

62
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 Started things like things like you should quit and I was like you should go. Um, there was no stovetop or

63
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 Heat I was making things like macaroni cheese with hot water out of the bathtub in a jar that was meant for you know

64
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 Storing marijuana and trying to eat it and thinking it was good

65
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 Um, but if you talk to me at the time I would tell but don't you know, I'm a functioning at it

66
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 I got it going on because I have a car and a mercedes

67
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 It didn't run and I had a little like a little beater that some little old lady that has lived nearby

68
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 Before I moved to that place had given me because she was just the sweetest thing. She actually passed a few weeks ago

69
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 I miss that lady because even my addiction that lady believed in me and she would all tell me like honey

70
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 You should do something different. You're gonna be okay. That was one of the first people in my life

71
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 It was like I believe in you and I wanted to make her proud and after I got clean

72
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 I went and visited her and I told her I said, you know, you're part of the motivation that made this possible

73
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 And when she passed a few weeks ago

74
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 I was able to go visit her before she passed and her family was like who the hell is this girl?

75
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 I was like I used to be a neighbor and they were like, oh, well, she's been asking for you for weeks

76
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 She's been asking for you

77
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 And that really made me feel special that I could be part of that and be part of that

78
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 But before I got here, I'm like I was saying sorry got track. I'm good at that

79
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 Um, I was dating this guy and he was like you need to go to rehab

80
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 I was like you need to shut the beep shut the quaff up quaff. You need to shut the quaff up, right?

81
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 You just need to zip it. What's it gonna take to shut you up?

82
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 And he's like well my friend Lindsay works at this rehab. You should start you should go there

83
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 It's like if it gets you to shut up. I will call the real and oddly enough when I look back at it now

84
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 I realize this was God doing for me what I never could have done for myself because my

85
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 Typical mo if a guy that I was dating would have said that I'd been like well, there's the door bro

86
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 You can go and for some reason I didn't say that to this guy

87
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 So I started calling this I called this chick that worked at the rehab. She worked at Tarzana treatment centers

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 TTC um and

89
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 At the time I had Orange County Medi-Cal not LA County

90
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 So they were like you got to get your Medi-Cal transferred. We can't help you

91
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 I was like, alright, so I get off phone and tell the boy the boyfriend that and he goes

92
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 Well, let's get your Medi-Cal transferred turns out that takes a long time for some reason takes like 60 days

93
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 But in the intermittent time I had a few months before that. I had gotten him strung out on drugs

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 Also, this guy was a drinker, but I had gotten him really strung out

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 like he wasn't quite shooting drugs yet, but he was quickly on his way there and he was like

96
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 I'm gonna go to rehab get yourself to rehab and figure it out or I'm gonna be gone when I get out and I was like

97
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 All right, so he would call me from rehab every morning at 9 a.m. He'd be like, did you call her?

98
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 Did you call the treatment center? So it like ate something in the morning. I had an alarm by my phone

99
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 I would call Tarzana treatment center. I'd be like, it's Trisha

100
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 Can you check my Medi-Cal again? Like I called them so many times they'd be like hi Trisha

101
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 Your Medi-Cal's still the same. I swear there was lady there first thing in the morning. That's what she would do

102
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 She would just check my Medi-Cal, be like oh it's still the same. Not that she calls. Now that I work in treatment

103
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 I realized that I could have just called her on the first and the 15th of the month because that's when they change over

104
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 But she didn't tell me that she just let me keep calling every day

105
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 Um after calling her for like 60 plus days one day she was like, you know what just come we have a bed for you

106
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 Tomorrow we're gonna put you on a on a like basically a free bed, which I work at that place now

107
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 I know that we don't do that really like that's not something we do

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 But she was like just be here tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. And I said can we make it 10?

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 She and her comment to me was like obviously you're really serious about this

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 You've called me every single day even the weekends for like 60 plus days and in the back of my mind

111
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 I'm like, not really that serious don't even know if I want to go but okay sure I get off the phone

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 I was like, oh coif what if I coif myself into this. I'm working really hard on my cousin guys

113
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 Um, what did I get myself into what the heck did I just agree to because I'm not sure if I want to do this

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 don't get me wrong getting loaded had stopped working long before that probably for the last 10 plus years before that like

115
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 Drinking and drugging wasn't working anymore. Like when I first started it felt amazing. I loved it

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 I had good times like all the things, you know that we all have in our story, right?

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 But it stopped working like I wasn't drinking and drugging to get high anymore and to get drunk

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 I was drinking and drugging just to be not shaking just to be okay

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 And I really hadn't had a drink in a little while before I before I showed up at that treatment center

120
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 So I didn't get to go to detox. That's almost part of the story. Um, but I got phone that lady

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 I was like, oh shit, so I start packing some stuff up. Don't get me wrong

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 I I didn't have any money so I couldn't go get a bottle

123
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 I probably wished I could have um

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 I did a shot like a in a shot of mess and a girlfriend of mine showed up and she was like

125
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 What are you doing? And I was like packing and she goes why I said I'm gonna go to rehab and she goes

126
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 Oh my god, did you get arrested again? Never forget that saying I was like, no, I didn't get arrested again

127
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 I have a long history of arrest

128
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 I have I had police used to make fun of me that my rap sheet was taller than they are

129
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 You can double their height towards later years. Um supposed like no, I didn't get arrested again

130
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 She goes and why are you going to rehab and I looked at her?

131
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 We had this like stare off for like five minutes and I was like why not she looked at me and she goes

132
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 Well, that's actually a good reason. I'll start to shit

133
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 Um, I had already prearranged before the boyfriend had gone to rehab who was gonna watch my dog

134
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 Cuz I was gonna be Mike that would have been my go-to excuse to get out of it

135
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 I'm not gonna lie that little lady that you know

136
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 That was a neighbor lady that had always believed in me had agreed to take my little dog

137
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 And so I packed my stuff and next day I showed up at Tarzana treatment center

138
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 The last place I ever got loaded was their parking lot. You saw a big tree in the corner

139
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 They actually ripped it out recently was right there next to that tree

140
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 I showed up in a flying squirrel onesie because don't you know, that's what 40 year old ladies wear

141
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 Appropriate Joe attire flying squirrel suits. Um, and I checked myself in and I lasted there seven days

142
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 I broke all sorts of rules. I had a red flag. I stuck a cell phone in

143
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 I said something to another patient. It was so so foul. Did I ever come across that girl one day?

144
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 I owe her probably like ten years of therapy and amends also, but like just to make the amends worth it

145
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 So when they kicked me out, I had verbally assaulted this girl and at the time I was like going but I didn't hit her

146
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 Looking back on it now. I realized that hitting her might have been more kind than what I said

147
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 I'll save you the brutal details of that. But in the seven days I was there I was miserable

148
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 I was crying every day. I was in my counselor's office going like I don't want to be here. I miss my dog

149
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 I need to go home and then after like five minutes, she'd be like, okay, do you want to leave and I bled?

150
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 I put walk back out of there and they'd be like you gotta take the squirrel suit off

151
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 I'm like over the squirrel suit sure, but they kept calling it pajamas and I was like this isn't pajamas

152
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 It's a costume because that's what sane and people that have it together that are functioning at its think right?

153
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 No, that is what insanity the definition of insanity is

154
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 My life was textbook unmanageability like nothing and it was manageable

155
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 I was in full flight from reality and it was bad

156
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:11,320
 Just to say the least I I weighed 60 pounds less than I do right now, you know

157
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 and that's I just recently lost some weight I

158
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:19,260
 Wish I would have kept that picture and avatar but they didn't so you can't see it anymore

159
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 When they kicked me out the lady that walked me out. She told me it doesn't matter. You're just gonna go get loaded

160
00:11:24,620 --> 00:11:26,900
 Anyways, I was like this quaff

161
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 Show her I'm gonna show who the quaff does she think she is. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know who I am

162
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 I'm gonna show her so I call my friend to come pick me up because you know

163
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 I'm sitting on the porch. It's 9 a.m. In the morning

164
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 It's like kicking out really early with my stuff in trash bags. Like they literally just dumped my doors in there

165
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 I was like you got to go right now. I'm calling somebody to come get me. My buddy's like, yeah

166
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 I'll be there soon as I can and he lives in Lancaster and he gets loaded

167
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 So he takes him four hours to get there as you know, we're on tweaker time and drunk doubt that it's just that's how it works

168
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 So it gets takes matters to get there. He finally gets there and this other girl have been kicked out the same day

169
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 I told her well, don't worry

170
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 We'll give you a ride to Downey

171
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 So that's where she's from cuz we have to go to Orange County to pick up my dog

172
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 Anyways, cuz that was my main priority. I was like, I just want my dog back

173
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 Just want my dog back and my buddy comes and by the time he comes this girl's true wrong and only speaking Spanish

174
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 Her English was so so when she wasn't drunk, but when she's not when she's drunk

175
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 She only speak Spanish, which is really not helpful. Neither of us speak Spanish

176
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 So we get in the car and and what I realized now is also a godshot

177
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 We got like two blocks and I was like, you know what? Hey pull over

178
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 He thinks that she's gonna throw up and I was like no I'm gonna get out of the car

179
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 He goes what I said, I'm gonna be honest with you if I go right now

180
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 To pick up my car in Compton and then down to Orange County to get my dog

181
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 I'm right back where I was seven days ago. I'm right back where I was miserable as hell and stuck in this loop

182
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 I'm never gonna get up. I'm never gonna get up

183
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 This is gonna be my life till I die and when I was really young when I was younger

184
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 I had I had written that off and I was like, yeah, I'm gonna be a drug addict forever

185
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 It's not a big deal. I'm gonna be an alcoholic forever. Well, I've always called it a drunk now

186
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 I call it but I'm gonna be drunk forever. It's okay. That's my life

187
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 I had written myself off a long time ago and during those seven days in rehab

188
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 There was a panel that came in and I had a roommate that would be like hey, honey

189
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 You gotta get up now. It's time to go eat this little old lady. She was the sweetest thing ever

190
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 Hey, honey

191
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 We gotta be here now and she would like walk me around and make sure I need made it where I was supposed to go

192
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 And one of the days she was there like hey, honey, there's a panel coming in

193
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 We gotta go listen to it

194
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 and this guy that came in on the panel was talking about how he was happy and he's like it's good and he had gone

195
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:34,280
 Back to school and he got a wife and he had done all these things and he had traveled and I was like I want to

196
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:34,760
 Go back to school

197
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,040
 I want a job like that

198
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:40,400
 I can tell my parents and not be lying about because when used to call my cell phone it would be like hi which Trisha

199
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:44,960
 Was something inspections or something because my parents thought I had a job my voice was like the biggest lie ever

200
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,800
 Which is why I don't have voicemail anymore. It's just excited

201
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:52,920
 I'm not gonna lie to people about my voice and all right, but these people had hope they had it

202
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:56,240
 They had this sparkle in their eye that I hadn't seen anybody have in decades

203
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,780
 So I get out of car when he's more like two blocks away from Tarzana treatment

204
00:13:59,780 --> 00:14:00,760
 So he's like, what are you gonna do?

205
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:05,360
 And I said, you know this guy that was sharing at the panel said there's this place called the valley club

206
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:08,920
 I'm gonna walk there. I'm gonna walk there. And by the way, I've never been to the valley before this

207
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,320
 I don't know my way around my cell phones dying

208
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,680
 I'm wearing a squirrel onesie again, by the way

209
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:17,120
 I should because I put that on on the porch because it's what adults wear squirrel onesies

210
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,960
 I'm wearing the full squirrel suit and he's like, alright

211
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:23,160
 I said but you're gonna take this girl to Downey and then you're gonna drive orange County get my dog and he looks at me

212
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:26,840
 He goes really and I said yeah you owe me and I had done a lot for this guy when we were getting loaded like I'd

213
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:31,400
 Helped him out a lot. So he's like, alright, you know what? I no longer owe you anymore. I said fine go get my dog

214
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,200
 He's like, alright, I'll meet you at this valley club in a couple hours

215
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:39,280
 He shut up three days later, but he did have my daughter. Um, I went attempted to walk to the valley club

216
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,280
 It took me four and a half five hours

217
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:45,520
 I somehow found the 405 freeway before I found the valley club

218
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:50,400
 Like I totally walked the wrong way. I learned how to use the bus system for the first time ever in my life

219
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,400
 I'd never really ridden a bus before

220
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:57,600
 And every time I went into some tattoo shop and I was like, hey if I give you $20

221
00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:02,440
 Will you plug my phone in in here and they're like no and I said I just want to leave the phone on the outlet

222
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:07,040
 I said I will leave and come back and pick it up. But please like I'm lost. I don't know my way around

223
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,780
 I really need this phone to turn on. I'm super lost and the guys like yeah

224
00:15:09,780 --> 00:15:11,720
 We'll plug the phone in if you go away

225
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:15,080
 And I came back and I learned picked up and that's how I actually found the valley club eventually

226
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,320
 And the reason I really one of the other reason I really want to go to Valley Club is that boyfriend?

227
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,080
 I knew that his rehab took them to meetings there all the time

228
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:25,760
 That was the other part and I was like, I'll call him. He'll bring me some money. I'll figure something out

229
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:29,800
 It'll be okay. So I get to the valley club and I get to the three o'clock meeting, right?

230
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,800
 Which is my first real meeting ever

231
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:36,100
 and I always hear people joke the new meetings are for the unemployed the three o'clock so for the

232
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:38,920
 Unemployable and I fit right in right in there

233
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:44,600
 Um, I sat for the meeting his rehab wasn't there and then I sat for the six o'clock and then his rehab showed up at

234
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,320
 The eight o'clock like I was hoping they would I'd call them and he's like, yeah, I'll bring you a little bit of cash

235
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:51,620
 He's like, but I don't really know what else I can do for you. He's like, I'm not leaving rehab

236
00:15:51,620 --> 00:15:56,800
 I'm not screwing what I have going on for you. And I was like, alright, um, I slept outside that night for the first time ever

237
00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:01,560
 Outside of his rehab in the bushes. They actually know that now I've talked. I I

238
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:07,100
 Work at that rehab also. I have two jobs. Um, he threw a pillow a blanket out the window at me

239
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:10,280
 Next morning. I was at the Valley Club for the 5 30 a.m

240
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,280
 meeting then the

241
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:16,880
 7 and then the 9 and then the noon and I kind of just did that cycle for a couple of days

242
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,200
 While I was waiting for this guy to show up with my dog

243
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,760
 I was like and he eventually showed up with my dog

244
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:26,160
 I had my dog back and he's like, what are you gonna do? And I said, I'm gonna be honest with you, though

245
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:30,800
 I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I don't want to do that anymore. And he goes well, I talked to my girl

246
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:34,880
 He's like and she said that you know, if you want to you can come stay on her couch and he's like well

247
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:37,100
 What will quit with you? I was like, this is amazing

248
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:40,280
 This is like one of my best friends and I really dig his chick

249
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:44,160
 I was like we could all get clean together and we'd all get sober together and this is gonna be awesome

250
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:50,360
 So I truck out to Lancaster to stay on their couch, you know to try to go to meetings and just pull my life together

251
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:55,360
 Right, and they stayed sober for three days and I see it on their couch for 90 days

252
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:59,840
 Well, they went back to doing what they used to do. They kept it. They were very polite about it

253
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:00,520
 They kept it in the bedroom

254
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:04,640
 They would just get loaded in the bedroom and I'd hang out the living room with their infant and I would go to meetings

255
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:10,360
 Religiously like I was at the 9 a.m. At st. Paul's Church. I was at the noon at the open door

256
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:15,060
 I was at the three o'clock here. I was at this meeting like I lived in meeting

257
00:17:15,060 --> 00:17:19,360
 I everybody kept saying if you want what we had you got to do what we do and I was like, well, what do I do?

258
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:24,300
 What do I do? What do I do to get what you guys thought and everything was suggested I did

259
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:27,600
 They would have told me I had to stand on a basketball like one foot and balance it like this

260
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:28,900
 I would have done that luckily

261
00:17:28,900 --> 00:17:32,400
 They didn't tell me to do that because I don't know if I could have accomplished it, but I got a sponsor

262
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,640
 I worked steps

263
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:39,320
 I finished my first round of steps in my first 90 days because I was desperate to have what these people had I

264
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:45,380
 Wanted to feel good like they did and I wanted to not be lying about it because for years I had been telling people

265
00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:50,180
 Oh, I'm great. Everything's wonderful. Don't you know look at this. Look at this. I got this shiny thing

266
00:17:50,180 --> 00:17:56,560
 So everything's perfect. But on the inside I was coughing miserable. Um, I was so

267
00:17:56,560 --> 00:18:02,960
 Emotionally bankrupt. I hated myself so much. I hated me to the part where I didn't look in the mirrors

268
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,480
 I changed my name. I was going by an alias

269
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:12,420
 I I mean me and myself were on the out so hard and we've been on the out so hard for so long

270
00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:20,660
 And working some steps and being of service has helped me build a relationship with myself that I absolutely love and adore today

271
00:18:20,660 --> 00:18:27,820
 Everything I have in my life. I owe to AA and NA because I go to both by my step show

272
00:18:27,820 --> 00:18:31,720
 I stayed out in Lancaster out there on their couch for like 90 days

273
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:37,280
 Like I said, they were getting really loaded towards the end and I I caught up Tarzan treatment center again

274
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:41,000
 Cuz I I had signed up for some outpatient out in Lancaster and they I got it

275
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,000
 I slid myself right in there before my flag hitting their system

276
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:48,600
 So they let me start I was already an outpatient and all sudden a flight appears one day and my counselor calls me rough

277
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:52,640
 She goes, um, you have a flag all of a sudden and I said, okay

278
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:56,580
 She goes what happened to residential and I told her I told her why I did and she goes wow

279
00:18:56,580 --> 00:19:00,660
 And I told her exactly what I said, which I typically don't repeat because it's so inappropriate

280
00:19:00,660 --> 00:19:04,880
 Um, and she's like whoa and I said yeah and I said but but I really want this

281
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:06,540
 I've been coming here for a couple of weeks

282
00:19:06,540 --> 00:19:09,560
 I guess the person who puts the flag from the system had been on vacation

283
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:13,440
 So when he got back my flag hit so I kind of snuck my way back in and she goes well

284
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,760
 I'm gonna tell you right now. So we're putting you on a behavior contract if anything happens

285
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:17,940
 You're out the door and I said, okay

286
00:19:17,940 --> 00:19:21,240
 And after I'd been showing up to outpatient for 90 days testing clean

287
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:27,280
 I'm attending all my groups on time every time not late not one time always appropriate always participating

288
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:32,480
 I told him I said, you know, I really want to go back out to the valley because I don't want to get

289
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,720
 Because I kept her I'm like you your living situation is horrible

290
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:39,040
 They kept telling me you need to move into sober living and I said, well, I got this dog

291
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:44,240
 You're not gonna take my dog and I'm afraid if I go to sober living in Lancaster. I'm gonna get stuck here

292
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:48,840
 I'm never gonna get out of here and I said that scares me to death because the only people other than you know

293
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:53,740
 A few meet people in meetings. We're all doing things I used to do. It was was not the environment for me

294
00:19:53,740 --> 00:19:57,400
 I decided and so she's like, yeah, you need to go sober living in your sober living

295
00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:03,340
 So not 90 days are in that boyfriend that had been in rehab was living in a sober living and his sober living was willing

296
00:20:03,340 --> 00:20:07,960
 To take a dog because you know, he was one of those really nice bougie sober livings where you know, they buy you food

297
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,140
 And they got a pool and they do

298
00:20:11,140 --> 00:20:15,840
 Meditation and they have a massage service come everyone's well because he had he had that good insurance, right?

299
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,560
 So his sober living was like we'll take the dog as long as he gets along with the house manager

300
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,160
 I was like, I'm not worried about that at all

301
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:25,120
 So he took the dog and I called her then out here in the valley and I was like, hey

302
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:30,440
 Can I get into recovery bridge housing like I need a sober living. I need recovery bridge housing and they didn't look me up

303
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,920
 And Leslie didn't look me up in the computer. She didn't notice the head that flag

304
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,840
 She's like, yeah come sign up for outpatient if you come to outpatient for a few weeks out here

305
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:42,560
 I was like you can talk to outpatient out here because she already knew that I was enrolled in outpatient out there and I'd been doing

306
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:46,920
 Well, she talked to my counselor my coach like yeah, she's been doing well never miss this group always test clean

307
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,520
 She really needs out of this bad situation. So come out here

308
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:53,760
 I show up for outpatient for the first time and she pulls me in her office and she goes oh when we talked on the

309
00:20:53,760 --> 00:21:00,220
 Phone I didn't know you had this flag and my flag said threats of racial violence and something else the threat

310
00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:04,280
 I made it was threatening. Yeah, it was threats of violence. I didn't know it was racist

311
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:09,120
 I don't think it was really racist. I still stand by that and I looked I was like, but I didn't hit the girl

312
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:11,200
 It was always my good buddy. They never I didn't enter

313
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:14,760
 No, I hit her below the belt which is way worse and I told her she's like she's like

314
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,320
 I don't know if we can put your recovery bridge housing

315
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:20,440
 I said, well, I'm gonna be sleeping in my car then she's like, let me talk to our director and see what he says

316
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:24,060
 I was like, I got a letter from the other people in Lancaster. Please. Give me a chance

317
00:21:24,060 --> 00:21:29,840
 Like I'll do whatever you ask of me to get this chance. I really want this. I really really want this and she told me

318
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:33,600
 Okay, maybe we'll give you a chance. Maybe won't so I sleep. I'm sleeping in my car

319
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:40,040
 Now van alden park where they used to have like a noon meeting every day because that for some reason that place felt safe

320
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:41,840
 Turns out it's not the safest place

321
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:46,280
 And one day she pulled me out of this and she goes alright, we'll take you in but if anything happens

322
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:50,240
 We won't hesitate picking you up. She goes, even if somebody says you did something you didn't do it

323
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:53,140
 You're out of it. You're on your button and said I'll do whatever you want me to do

324
00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:57,860
 So I moved into sober living I stayed there four and a half months and then I moved into the apartment

325
00:21:57,860 --> 00:22:01,640
 I still have in today. I'm still with that guy. We're actually engaged now

326
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:03,920
 It's gonna be the world's longest engagement

327
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:08,840
 I want him to have his credit score higher before I marry him because not because now I have my life together

328
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:13,720
 I can be picky skin foots up. Um, I've gone back to school. I got a decent job

329
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:18,820
 I'm getting ready to to restart school a second time. I'm gonna go back to school to get an RN

330
00:22:18,820 --> 00:22:23,920
 I want to be an emergency room nurse. I all of the promises. I'm sure they're on the Walter somewhere

331
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:29,480
 Okay, all the promises we talked about around here have come true and it's for very simple things

332
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:35,320
 The reason all these promises have come true for me is because I've done what everybody before me said to do

333
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:39,040
 I did the work. I did a thorough four step and I said all those things

334
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:43,520
 I never thought I would tell anybody and then I looked at my sponsor and I told it all about told her all those things

335
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:47,440
 Right. I made amends. I remained open and teachable. I

336
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,680
 Practice a daily 10th step and when I've really messed up that day

337
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:57,000
 I try to immediately fix it but most importantly in my opinion and this is my opinion not not not book fact

338
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:01,080
 Is it when I hit step 12? I immediately start sponsoring girls and I still sponsor girls

339
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:06,700
 Um, you know, I would love to say I have this great track record of keeping girls sober in it, but it's not the case

340
00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:12,000
 I sponsored quite a few girls and I've got one girl that's still cool sober really proud worst

341
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:14,200
 She's I'm getting ready to take three years pretty soon

342
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:19,240
 But all the rest of them have come and gone but what they but what it really happened on the experience is I stayed sober and I'm

343
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:23,820
 Constantly in the work. I'm actually because I liked I trade sponsors quite a few times

344
00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:27,320
 When I moved out when I moved back out here

345
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:32,420
 I picked up an NA sponsor because I was like I'm gonna do any and I did this any steps to that step working day

346
00:23:32,420 --> 00:23:37,240
 That was an undertaking and as soon as I picked this lady cuz oh she's got tons of years

347
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,560
 It's gonna be amazing and after finishing the steps

348
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:43,800
 I immediately told her I was like, this is just not a good fit like I committed to this and I was gonna do it

349
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,520
 But I looked at her and I realized with 22 years clean and sober

350
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:53,520
 I don't want to be obsessed with looks and worried about my hair. That's not my goal. So I switched

351
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,280
 I think I see the timer. Thank you

352
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:59,800
 So I switched my sponsor again, and I switched this lady named Rose and I I love Rose

353
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,180
 And we started working steps and she told me something one day

354
00:24:03,180 --> 00:24:05,600
 I didn't want to hear and I was like, I'm gonna find me sponsor

355
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,700
 She's like hi, she's like, you know, make sure you have a sponsor before you do that

356
00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:14,440
 So I switched sponsors again and I started working steps and with this other lady and I finished him with the other lady

357
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,480
 And as soon as I was done, I was like I should have stuck with Rose fucking

358
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:21,160
 Waffle I was almost there the whole thing without doing it

359
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,880
 I absolutely adore Rose and so I went back to Rose and I said hey

360
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:28,200
 Will you take me back like I don't know why I chose to be sponsors and she goes she goes well I do

361
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:32,600
 And I said, okay, let's hear that and she goes I told you something you really didn't want to hear. Yeah, you did

362
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,600
 She goes so did you do something about the problem?

363
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:38,360
 I told you do something about my son. I'm actually working on that right now on because I've traded

364
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:42,160
 alcoholism and drug addiction for workaholism

365
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:47,040
 And Rose was always on me about like you're not prioritizing your program anymore

366
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:50,080
 Like I know that you've got you know, some years behind your belt now

367
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:54,480
 But you know years aren't gonna keep you clean sober meetings and service will keep you sober

368
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,560
 So I was like, well, I got seven service commitment

369
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,800
 She's like, but how many meetings did you go to this month?

370
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:05,080
 Not as many as I should because most of my service commitments are at like the area or regional level or on subcommittees

371
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:08,080
 Um, so I started back working with Rose. I'm in the middle of a four step

372
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,080
 It's my favorite place to be not

373
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:14,560
 And due to our schedules it has been really hard to meet up with her to do that fifth step

374
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:20,440
 But we are doing it next Friday. No matter what no matter what happens. We are doing that because I'm sick of sitting on this thing

375
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:27,720
 Um, I just picked up a new sponsor last week and God put this girl in my life for a reason like in the last week

376
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:32,960
 I've gone to six meetings with her like not getting this one an in-person meetings because I was like well

377
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:34,440
 I'm doing zoom and you know

378
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:39,760
 I'll come up with every excuse to be lazy and sit on my couch because one of my biggest character defects is laziness

379
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:45,080
 I'm also a perfectionist which doesn't really go well together. Um, and when this forced up recently

380
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:46,760
 I've realized that one of my biggest fears

381
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:48,560
 I know you're about to flip that timer

382
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:52,920
 Um is financial insecurity and I had to really take a good hard look at it

383
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:56,900
 Like since I've gotten sober I have stressed about money to the max

384
00:25:56,900 --> 00:26:00,560
 I took looked at it the other day and I was like, I've got $8,000 in my checking account

385
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:05,660
 I got a savings account with $5,000 in it and I've got an eight hundred and two credit score

386
00:26:05,660 --> 00:26:10,920
 What am I worried about never in my life? Did I have more than a thousand dollars to my name?

387
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:15,200
 I mean unless I had just done a big lick, um, and never did I have a credit score like yeah

388
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:18,320
 I got a little outstanding debt. I just took a loan out on a Harley

389
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:22,740
 I co-signed for my husband's Harley because or my fiancee would are same thing

390
00:26:22,740 --> 00:26:27,180
 Because I want him to build his credit and that was the best way I could think of to build his credit and not was

391
00:26:27,180 --> 00:26:32,600
 A lot cheaper than signing for a car, but all the gifts all the material things that credit score

392
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:35,540
 All of those things are like fluff

393
00:26:35,540 --> 00:26:41,180
 They're like the icing on the cake for me because the real the real gift that I've gotten here is not the credit score

394
00:26:41,180 --> 00:26:44,720
 It's not the man. It's not the car. It's not the apartment

395
00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:48,360
 It's the cake part of the cake not the icing part and the cake part of the cake

396
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:53,480
 Is that today when I look in the mirror that girl looking back? I'm like, yeah, I can I can talk with you

397
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:59,400
 I can I can fuck with you. Like I'm cool with you. Like I don't look at that girl and be like, oh that bitch

398
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:03,160
 Oh, I did again. I was gonna really make it through this thoughts causing guys

399
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:07,160
 I look at that girl today and I've done so much inside work that I love her

400
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:12,080
 Um, I know I have one minute. I'm gonna say one last thing on Christmas this year this last Christmas

401
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,740
 I went to my father's house and I was invited inside

402
00:27:14,740 --> 00:27:19,080
 I spent time with my stepmother who had basically told me she never wanted to talk to me again ever again

403
00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:24,280
 We spent two and a half hours every morning going for a long walk and talking and at the end of my trip there

404
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:28,800
 She gave me a hug and she said I'm just so grateful to have my other daughter back and that's something I never thought would

405
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:33,440
 Happen and that is a direct result of this program. Thank you for letting me share. Sorry for going over