1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,160 - Hi everybody, I'm Terry and I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:03,400 - Hi Terry. 3 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:05,320 - Thank you so much Abraham and the group 4 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:06,960 for asking me to come out tonight. 5 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,840 Karen, thank you for that great talk. 6 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:12,440 I mean, really, she just told my story. 7 00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:13,760 Big part of it, yeah. 8 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:16,520 I wanna welcome anybody that's new or coming back 9 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,040 and we're glad you're here. 10 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:22,420 You know, I believe that if you are here, 11 00:00:22,420 --> 00:00:26,660 you know, your miracle is in motion. 12 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,920 You may not feel like that right now, 13 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:33,920 but looking back when I was new in Alcoholics Anonymous, 14 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:36,540 it was a miracle right from the gate. 15 00:00:36,540 --> 00:00:38,920 And I was really desperate 16 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:42,160 and this may not make any sense or sound. 17 00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:44,360 I don't mean to be offensive, but I hope you're desperate 18 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:47,100 and I hope you're really ready to do what we do here. 19 00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:49,600 You don't have to go back out and live the way 20 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,240 you were living or feel the way you were feeling 21 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:52,540 if you don't want to. 22 00:00:52,540 --> 00:00:54,960 You know, I remember the first time I heard this 23 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:59,400 and my talks are not canned talk, so I don't always share 24 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,280 the same stuff, but this has come up a couple of times 25 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,340 in conversation with people that I'm either working with 26 00:01:05,340 --> 00:01:08,020 or, you know, I heard it at the podium not all that long ago, 27 00:01:08,020 --> 00:01:09,700 but you know, they say Alcoholics Anonymous 28 00:01:09,700 --> 00:01:11,960 is not just for people that need it. 29 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,800 Alcoholics Anonymous is not just for people that want it. 30 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,320 The difference is gonna be, you know, 31 00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:17,960 are you gonna be the person that does it? 32 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,280 You know, because I've seen a lot of people 33 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,280 come into Alcoholics Anonymous that really, really needed 34 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:26,080 to be here, you know, and my younger brother 35 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:30,640 who was my Eskimo into these rooms back in 1987, 36 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:34,120 who went out at 15 years and I can still, 37 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,160 he could never really quite get back into Alcoholics 38 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:40,400 Anonymous at the level he was those first 15 years. 39 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,320 He had a great program, great sponsorship, 40 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:44,920 sponsored a lot of guys. 41 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,640 His life had come together beautifully 42 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,400 because of Alcoholics Anonymous and he knew it. 43 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,160 But he went out at 15 years, you know, 44 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,560 he got a little too wrapped up in, you know, 45 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,640 really it was money, property and prestige. 46 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,320 That's what he had found. 47 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,680 And he got away from the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. 48 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:05,680 And two weeks before he OD'd, I had a conversation with him 49 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:10,000 and he said, Terry, you know, I can't, if I use again, 50 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,240 I'm gonna die, you know. 51 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,800 He knew it, you know, and yet he left the rehab 52 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,920 and he went back out and they found him in his car overdosed. 53 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:20,080 That was August 28th, 2022. 54 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:23,120 Like Karen said, you know, this is, we find really amazing 55 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:26,120 lives here, but it doesn't mean that life on life's terms 56 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:27,920 is always gonna be easy, you know, 57 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,480 and sometimes it can be tragic, but we're promised 58 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,640 the ability to match, you know, tragedy with serenity. 59 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:37,040 And, you know, well, let me back up a little bit. 60 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:38,520 I'll give you the stats. 61 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,800 My sobriety date is April 19th, 1987. 62 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,800 It's the only sobriety date I've ever had. 63 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:45,640 My sponsor's name is Pat Y. 64 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:48,200 I have home group meetings and Wednesday night Pacific group 65 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,040 is my Wednesday night meeting. 66 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,760 Tuesday morning, I have a Zoom meeting 67 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:54,840 that I am currently the secretary of, 68 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:55,800 another home meeting. 69 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,320 Thursday night Rose City speakers meeting in Pasadena. 70 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:00,680 I live out in Sierra Madre home group meeting 71 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,880 and Sunday morning Sherman Oaks. 72 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,960 I sponsor women. 73 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,560 I have commitments at all of my meetings. 74 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:11,760 These steps are not a one and done deal for me. 75 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:16,000 These are things that I live in on a daily basis 76 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,600 as well as the traditions. 77 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:21,000 I love the traditions, you know, they changed my life. 78 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:25,200 You know, I got to you guys, April 19th, 1987. 79 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,080 I'd been running the show for a long time. 80 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:29,080 I too grew up in an alcoholic home. 81 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:32,360 My parents divorced when I was three. 82 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,240 They were both admitted alcoholics. 83 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:35,520 I'm not labeling them. 84 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:37,880 There was a lot of, you know, kind of insane stuff. 85 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,320 They were good people and they loved me, my little brother, 86 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,560 but alcoholism is the rapacious creditor. 87 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,440 It's referenced in the book and it'll take everything 88 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,480 from you that means anything. 89 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,280 And if you think there's anything out there 90 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,280 that it's not going to take, it'll take it 91 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,320 and then it'll take you. 92 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:57,120 And I also lost my dad to alcoholism six months 93 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:58,640 before I got sober. 94 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:00,920 You know, I also came in to alcoholics anonymous 95 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,240 with so many secrets. 96 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,280 You were never gonna, you were never gonna knew this stuff 97 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:07,440 the way that I had lived and the things that I'd done 98 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:10,520 and the people I'd hurt and the promises that I had broken 99 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,480 and the hearts that I had broken, you know, and yeah. 100 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,760 And we get free here, you know, we get free here. 101 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,680 You know, I don't have any secrets today. 102 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,960 What a gift that is, you know, you know, my life, 103 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,920 not only for the last 38 years and 10 months, 104 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,760 obviously here in alcoholics anonymous is an open book. 105 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,680 You know, my job is to stay sober and share that, you know, 106 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,560 share what it was like, what happened 107 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,960 and what it's like today, but all that stuff that I did 108 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,960 when I was out there prior to coming in, you know, 109 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:39,520 they talk about that being possibly my greatest asset 110 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,040 to anybody that's new to let you know, you know, 111 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:43,480 I looked pretty good. 112 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:46,080 I mean, I looked better than some when I came in 113 00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:49,160 'cause I'd been working hard to keep it together. 114 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,320 I'm also that girl woman who, you know, 115 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:56,240 if I can get it going on the outside, looking good, 116 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:59,120 you know, like chapter three more about alcoholism 117 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:03,120 talks about things we do to try to maintain the drinking 118 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,000 or revive our lives or, you know, 119 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:10,320 I taking on more physical exercise the last few years 120 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:14,480 of my life, my first life as a drunk, that part of my life, 121 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,080 I became a runner, you know, 122 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,920 and then it talks about reading inspirational books. 123 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,440 You know, I was reading a book called "Fit for Life" 124 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:24,160 'cause I'm running and this is a food combining book 125 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,880 'cause I believe if I look good on the outside, 126 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:31,880 somehow I'm gonna feel better about that hideous malady 127 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:35,920 of spirit that I had built drinking for 19 years, you know, 128 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,280 and quite frankly, even before I started drinking, 129 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,720 you know, I'm kind of one of these people 130 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:41,360 that believes kind of out of the chute 131 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:42,960 that there was something wrong with me, you know, 132 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:46,280 because I cannot remember ever really being comfortable 133 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,160 in my own skin. 134 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,000 I started working on the outside stuff, you know, 135 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,640 as soon as I could, you know, 136 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:55,520 and I wanted people to like me and, 137 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:58,960 but I was deeply self-consumed, 138 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:02,760 like I had this intense relationship with myself 139 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:06,800 and it was really so much of that victim, like, you know, 140 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,800 I mean, I was working on resentments 141 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,680 'cause people didn't treat me right 142 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,240 from about the age of seven. 143 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:15,560 You know, I'm still surprised that I went as long as I did 144 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,920 before I took that first drink, which was 11, 145 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,400 'cause I needed one at seven, 146 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,320 but it was 11 when I got that first drink 147 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:24,160 and I too had, you know, it was a supervised drink. 148 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,520 It was a couple I babysat for 149 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:29,400 and she brought her really cute 14-year-old brother 150 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,840 and her little girl that I babysat, her and her husband 151 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,600 and we went to the beach and we had a fire and a barbecue 152 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,360 and they gave us one glass of a mixed drink 153 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,600 and I drank it down and I tell you, I can still remember it. 154 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,400 I can still remember what it felt like 155 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,880 burning down my throat and intuitively being the great, 156 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:49,240 you know, budding, developing alcoholic I already was. 157 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:50,080 You know, I was, 158 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:53,880 my ism was really getting down early in my head. 159 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,080 I knew that burnt meant something good 160 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:59,800 and that night I did not black out or take my clothes off 161 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:02,560 or, you know, cuss anybody out or get in a fight. 162 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,720 That stuff would come later. 163 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:06,520 I just had a really good time 164 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,120 and when that cute 14-year-old boy was flirting with me 165 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,240 for the first time, I just felt so relaxed 166 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,240 and I could flirt back and we had a great time. 167 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,880 Now, I didn't start drinking every day. 168 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:15,920 I was going into middle school. 169 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:17,640 I'd been a good kid up to that point. 170 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,240 You know, I was an athlete. 171 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:20,980 I did, you know, performing arts. 172 00:07:20,980 --> 00:07:22,200 I got all good grades. 173 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,440 I did what I was told to do 174 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,840 but things kind of started to instantly kind of go awry 175 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,720 as I went into those middle school years 176 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,280 and I made it through. 177 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,560 You know, I think back on my life 178 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,360 and I think about the people in my life 179 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:37,200 that some of them were really kind of like angelic types, 180 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,720 like my first counselor in middle school, you know, 181 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:42,500 and I was being thrown out of one more class, you know, 182 00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:44,480 because, you know, I just got wild 183 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:45,680 after I took that first drink. 184 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:47,280 Like all of a sudden it was like, you know, 185 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:48,480 that person that was, you know, 186 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:52,760 just kind of trying to settle things and do the right things. 187 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,400 I just didn't care so much anymore 188 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,360 and where I wanted to go was I wanted to get loaded 189 00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:58,680 and I wanted to chase boys 190 00:07:58,680 --> 00:07:59,880 and, you know, all of a sudden, 191 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,440 sports didn't mean anything to me, performing arts, 192 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,720 no time for that, you know, and I got a little wild 193 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,380 and I have a funny story, you know, 194 00:08:07,380 --> 00:08:09,320 I got married after I got sober 195 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:11,320 and I was gonna have a pretty big wedding 196 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:14,400 and I got this dress and the place that I bought it from 197 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,540 in Pasadena used a seamstress 198 00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:19,520 and she was out in Woodland Hills 199 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,760 and I was living in Monrovia at the time 200 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,660 and I go out there one day, a Saturday afternoon 201 00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:26,520 and I'm getting pinned up on my dress 202 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,160 and I was chit-chattin' with this lady 203 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:34,160 and it turns out that I was sitting in this sewing room 204 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,240 in this big house in Woodland Hills 205 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:39,680 and I'm talking to my middle school counselor's wife, 206 00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:40,960 Mr. Hubert's wife. 207 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,560 Mr. Hubert was my middle school counselor. 208 00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:47,340 Mr. Hubert was the room that I went to every time 209 00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:50,920 I'd cuss out the science teacher and get sent to the room 210 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,960 and Mr. Hubert would say to me, 211 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,400 so this was, this is like early on, right? 212 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:56,400 I'm 12 years old. 213 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,120 Terry, what's going on, hon, how can I help you? 214 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,360 You know, and I didn't have an answer for it. 215 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:02,640 You know, I didn't have a language. 216 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:05,960 You know, all I knew is that I was uncomfortable 217 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,840 and I was already thinking I needed to get to the next joint. 218 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,320 So that's a little bit about that. 219 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,360 Now I move it forward. 220 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,820 I made it through that, got to high school, 221 00:09:15,820 --> 00:09:18,560 getting ready to get sent over to continuation school. 222 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:22,140 I was, you know, academically I was kind of average 223 00:09:22,140 --> 00:09:24,040 but street smarts, I had a lot of it. 224 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,440 You know, growing up in an alcoholic home, 225 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,820 you start to learn stuff pretty quickly on your own. 226 00:09:28,820 --> 00:09:30,960 I was the oldest, I had a younger brother. 227 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:35,020 And, you know, when I was that age going into high school, 228 00:09:35,020 --> 00:09:37,720 continuation school really had some tough kids. 229 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,740 I think now it's more about like, 230 00:09:39,740 --> 00:09:41,880 just a little out of the box, you know, 231 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,560 they don't want to show up or do their homework. 232 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:45,120 And I mean, like, it was kind of scary 233 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:46,600 and I knew I didn't want to go there. 234 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,040 And for whatever reason, you know, 235 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,440 and I was on a first name basis with the Dean of Girls, 236 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,560 Mary Evans, and not because I was academically killing it. 237 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:56,320 It's because called my mom up and brought my mom in 238 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,280 and sat me down and said, we want Terry to stay, 239 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:00,460 but if she doesn't do something differently, she's going. 240 00:10:00,460 --> 00:10:01,960 'Cause I couldn't follow the rules. 241 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,800 I don't want anybody to tell me what to do. 242 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:04,840 I want to call the shots. 243 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,660 I want things how I want them, when I want them, 244 00:10:07,660 --> 00:10:08,880 the way I want them, 245 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,680 which would be a theme for the rest of my life. 246 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:13,240 Which by the way, I got to keep an eye on, 247 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:14,680 even today in sobriety. 248 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,860 The traditions have given steps and traditions and recovery 249 00:10:17,860 --> 00:10:22,120 and continued practice and demonstration of the principles 250 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,800 that we find here in Alcoholics Anonymous 251 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,040 has kept me on the toes. 252 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,800 A daily 10 steps just to kind of keep track 253 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,860 on how I'm doing on a daily basis. 254 00:10:29,860 --> 00:10:32,280 Anyway, I didn't want to go there. 255 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:33,600 So I got through high school. 256 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:34,840 I got out of high school. 257 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:35,680 I did pretty good. 258 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:36,560 I turned it around. 259 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,000 I was feeling bad for my mom. 260 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,120 She was raising me and my younger brother 261 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,560 and we're just like, we're starting to just rip it up. 262 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,420 And so I pulled it together, you know, 263 00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:46,420 and I made it out of high school and I, you guys, 264 00:10:46,420 --> 00:10:48,320 I got out of high school and I got a really good job, 265 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,240 you know, and you know, I like outside stuff. 266 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,280 I like stuff and I wanted to make some money. 267 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:56,440 So I decided not to move on to the next level of education, 268 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,080 but to start working and back in the days, 269 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,880 you got some training in school and I became a stenographer 270 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:02,960 in Mayor Bradley's office and I got promotions 271 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,280 and promotions and promotions. 272 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,920 And for a while, I looked like I was on track, you know, 273 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,280 for a little, I had a great boyfriend. 274 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:09,880 I thought I was going to marry him. 275 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,440 You know, I look good, you know, I'm smart, 276 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,960 but by the time I was 21 years old, 277 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,920 that good stuff that I just described had left. 278 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,720 And I too, when I'm going for the next promotion, 279 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,400 I can't understand why I'm getting passed up. 280 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,720 I got two back to back promotions 281 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,160 and then I start getting passed up promotions 282 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:29,240 for these promotions 283 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,040 and it could have been a career scenario. 284 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:34,720 And I can't understand that I go out for lunch for two hours 285 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,000 and come back, you know, after, you know, 286 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,040 a few shots of tequila, no doubt smelling like it too, 287 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:44,840 you know, and I show up late for work or I don't come at all 288 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,280 and it doesn't make any sense to me. 289 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,880 And I left that job on a resentment 290 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,320 and probably if I would have stayed, 291 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,560 I would have been fired, but I, you know, 292 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,680 I look back on my life and there were times in that journey 293 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:58,320 where I was trying to just kind of stay ahead of my disease 294 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,080 a little bit or stay out of trouble just a little bit. 295 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:04,720 And yeah, so I left that job and, you know, 296 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,560 I blamed the city of Los Angeles, Mayor Bradley's office. 297 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:10,360 I had been engaged for a little while. 298 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,560 That guy was a loser. 299 00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,560 I left him, you know, people weren't treating me right. 300 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:18,280 I was getting bad breaks after bad breaks after bad breaks. 301 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,040 So, you know, I took a geographic. 302 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,880 I thought, you know, I'll go, I'll move up to central coast. 303 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,720 I'll go back to school again. 304 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,920 You know, I'm like starting to stop school 305 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,440 so many times, I can't tell you. 306 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:33,440 And went back up there and I moved in with my brother 307 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,160 and I was living on a beautiful chunk 308 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:38,440 of the central coast, Shell Beach, up near Pismo. 309 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,560 And I'm back in school and it looked good 310 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,520 for all of about six or seven months. 311 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,720 And the thing that we talk about around here, you know, 312 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,840 without addressing my alcoholism 313 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,240 and by the way, there's something we talk about around here. 314 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,640 You know, what I did, I grew up in an alcoholic home. 315 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,040 There was a lot of drinking and obviously I had evidence 316 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,120 that too much drinking could be problematic. 317 00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:00,160 You know, there was a lot of violence, bills got unpaid. 318 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,600 You know, we moved a lot. 319 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:06,120 My parents were great people, musical, artistic, charming, 320 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,640 but alcoholism in their lives, you know, 321 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,200 just broke everything down. 322 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,280 But, you know, I kept thinking that this outside stuff 323 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,640 was gonna somehow fix what was broken inside, you know, 324 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,280 and I kept going for the more, the more, the more. 325 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,560 And, you know, the book talks about me 326 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:24,320 when it talks about me living in full flight from reality, 327 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,640 unable to differentiate the truth from the false. 328 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,960 The alcoholic life is the only life that we know. 329 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,880 And that really describes me in a nutshell. 330 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,280 A lot of blackout, drunk driving, you know. 331 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,080 You know, I am so grateful that I never hurt anybody 332 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:38,480 behind the wheel of a car in a blackout, you know. 333 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:43,480 And I was, I stepped out of arrest three different times. 334 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:48,700 I totaled two cars, both with cops showing up. 335 00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:50,980 You know, started a fight with a cop one night 336 00:13:50,980 --> 00:13:53,320 when they arrested my boyfriend for a DUI 337 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,600 when he was driving because I was too drunk to drive. 338 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,260 That night, you know, as I pointed at him 339 00:13:58,260 --> 00:14:00,600 and demanded for his badge number, you know, 340 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,860 they sent me home and told me to sleep it off 341 00:14:02,860 --> 00:14:04,760 and go pick my boyfriend up in the morning. 342 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,920 Or standing there after, you know, 343 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:10,120 failing the field sobriety test with handcuffs on 344 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:15,120 and, you know, them deciding Tracy was sober enough to drive 345 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,400 and they followed us home and threw us in the house. 346 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:18,600 You know, I mean, that kind of stuff 347 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,040 went on several times for me. 348 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,320 So I never went to jail behind my drinking. 349 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:23,980 But you know, as seconds and itches, 350 00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:25,520 and in and around Alcoholics Anonymous, 351 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:26,880 we have something, the yet's. 352 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:28,120 And there were plenty of things 353 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,000 that were just waiting to happen for me. 354 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,720 They were just waiting to happen, you know. 355 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:34,040 And I'm so grateful I never hurt anybody. 356 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,760 But you know, at the end of my drinking, 357 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,480 I was up there on the Central Coast. 358 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,360 Everywhere we go, there we are. 359 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:43,440 And until I had the spiritual shift 360 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,800 that takes place on the other side of steps, 361 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,320 principles, and traditions, 362 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:51,400 until I came to you guys beat up and desperate, you know, 363 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,720 nothing was gonna change permanently for me. 364 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:57,960 Book talks about sometimes there's a brief progress 365 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,320 always followed by a worse relapse. 366 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,900 That sums up what the last few years of my life was like. 367 00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:04,360 You know, time after time, 368 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,800 coming to in strange places with strange people, 369 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,300 coming out of a blackout behind the wheel of a car, 370 00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:10,520 not knowing where I was. 371 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:12,280 Coming to in the morning, waking up, 372 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,760 certainly somebody had to have dropped me off. 373 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,480 But here I am in my bed, 374 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,740 my car is kind of almost perpendicular in the carport, 375 00:15:19,740 --> 00:15:20,580 and I'm alone. 376 00:15:20,580 --> 00:15:21,520 That meant one more time, 377 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,780 I drive myself home from wherever I came from. 378 00:15:23,780 --> 00:15:26,240 You know, fights behind bars, 379 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,400 sleeping with your boyfriend or your husband, 380 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,480 you know, making out with your girlfriend. 381 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,320 I mean, you know, the list goes on and on. 382 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:35,880 And I left San Luis Obispo because, you know, 383 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,380 I couldn't hold a job up there. 384 00:15:37,380 --> 00:15:40,200 Living on the beach, one of the most beautiful chunks 385 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:41,600 of coastline in California. 386 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,640 At that point, it was like, ah, it's overrated. 387 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:44,480 It's not that great. 388 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:45,360 Things aren't working. 389 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,160 The boyfriend that I thought I was in love with 390 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,120 just couldn't follow my agenda and my rules. 391 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:53,760 You know, you can be with me if you do it my way. 392 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:57,040 You know, there's no room for debate, any other thing. 393 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,440 You know, that's the deal. 394 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,680 So I got a job offer back in LA. 395 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,560 And in January of 1987, 396 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,200 I moved back down to Los Angeles 397 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,120 for a really good paying job. 398 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,520 I thought this is gonna fix me. 399 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,560 I had been doing all the chapter three step 400 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,360 that we talk about in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. 401 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,000 Switching from Scotch to branding, 402 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,120 swearing to quit if ever drunk on the job, 403 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,800 taking a trip, not taking a trip, 404 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,940 never having it in the house, you know, 405 00:16:19,940 --> 00:16:22,120 swearing off with or without a solemn oath, 406 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,320 physical exercise, I was doing yoga 407 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,960 and running all over San Luis Obispo County. 408 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,820 You know, they were great races. 409 00:16:28,820 --> 00:16:31,440 You know, it seems like they all ended up at a winery. 410 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,880 Wineries were really kicking off back then 411 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,760 when I was living in San Luis Obispo. 412 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,560 And at the end, we'd be running up the hill 413 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:40,280 and there's a big winery and they have a whole bunch of wine 414 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,200 and a whole bunch of bananas and a whole bunch of cute guys. 415 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:44,420 You know, it was just heavenly. 416 00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:45,360 I was doing all that. 417 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:46,980 I was reading my inspirational books. 418 00:16:46,980 --> 00:16:49,000 The other book I had was Women Who Love Too Much. 419 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,560 It was a book written by a woman 420 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:51,960 to blame all the men in her life, 421 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,640 including her father for all the problems she had ever had. 422 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,120 I'd been doing that for a long time 423 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,520 when I got my hands on that book. 424 00:16:57,520 --> 00:16:59,220 It was like, that was my little big book 425 00:16:59,220 --> 00:17:02,060 until I came into AA and got the big, big book, you know? 426 00:17:02,060 --> 00:17:04,360 And so I get this job, you know, 427 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:05,680 and I think it's gonna be okay. 428 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:08,560 But where I ended up within two months, 429 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:11,520 I spiraled so fast from trying to manage 430 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:12,500 and control in my life. 431 00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:15,000 I'd been doing it all and it was kicking my butt. 432 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,300 And there's a part in the big book 433 00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:18,140 that describes perfectly where I was 434 00:17:18,140 --> 00:17:19,120 those last couple of months 435 00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,960 before I walked into you guys, April 19th, 1987. 436 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,920 It says, you know, we're gonna get to that place. 437 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,640 We can't live with or without alcohol. 438 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:27,800 We're gonna know loneliness like so few do. 439 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:29,560 We're gonna be at that jumping off place 440 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:30,720 and we want it all to end. 441 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,800 And honest to God, you know, every time when I came in AA 442 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,960 and I started hearing these things that you guys 443 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,800 were reading out of the book and your stories, 444 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,960 I'm like, that's me, that's me, that's me. 445 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,920 And I was never suicidal. 446 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,320 I tend to lean more into like homicidal personality, 447 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,640 but those last couple of months, it was dark. 448 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:50,840 It was about as dark as it could have possibly been for me. 449 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,000 I always struggled with depression 450 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,260 and I always struggled with loneliness, 451 00:17:55,260 --> 00:17:56,800 even in a room full of people. 452 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,760 Since coming into alcoholics anonymous, all that has changed. 453 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,320 I have been transformed. 454 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,720 The spiritual awakening has come to be the journey for me. 455 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:05,840 But then it was dark. 456 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:07,920 And I remember I called my brother one night and I said, 457 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,000 I wanna kill myself. 458 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,480 And he was sober six months. 459 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,160 And he said, you know, he was up in Northern California, 460 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,000 San Jose area. 461 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,880 He says, before you try killing yourself, 462 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,840 why don't you try meeting up alcoholics anonymous? 463 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,000 It's really working for me. 464 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,560 And that was about two weeks before this last night, 465 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,280 Saturday night, my girlfriends came down 466 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,960 from San Luis Obispo and they were spending 467 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:26,800 the weekend with me. 468 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,680 I lived in Hollywood, that's where I had landed. 469 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:32,160 And we went out, we were going for an early, early lunch. 470 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,880 And we were gonna wrap it up early at home, 471 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:34,720 watching a movie. 472 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:35,600 They had to get up early in the morning, 473 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:37,200 go back up to San Luis Obispo. 474 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,840 It was like a 15 hour run of drinking for me. 475 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:43,520 And I came to that April 19th, 1987, 476 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:44,960 it was about five o'clock in the morning 477 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,320 and there was booze oozing out of my body. 478 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:48,680 And I felt like I was dying. 479 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:50,180 I'd had, you know, that, you know, 480 00:18:50,180 --> 00:18:52,200 coming to an a strange place with a strange person 481 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:55,340 with alcohol poisoning was very common occurrence for me. 482 00:18:55,340 --> 00:18:56,440 That was not unusual. 483 00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:58,800 But the way I felt that morning was, you know, 484 00:18:58,800 --> 00:18:59,960 if you're here and you're thinking, 485 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,040 God, I wish I would have come sooner. 486 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,880 You know, why did I go back out? 487 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,120 You know, why did I have to go so long? 488 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:08,720 I absolutely am convinced that there was gonna not, 489 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:11,040 there wasn't gonna be anything that was gonna intervene 490 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,600 with what I needed to do before I crawled 491 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,120 into you guys, April 19th, 1987. 492 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,000 'Cause if I would have got here a second earlier 493 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,480 with one more good idea, I don't know if I would have stayed. 494 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,000 But when I came to that morning, 495 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,160 I apparently was done and didn't know it. 496 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:28,160 And I crawled into the bathroom and I was sweating alcohol. 497 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,040 I could smell it. 498 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,000 And I felt like my guts and my brains 499 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,000 were being ripped out of my body simultaneously. 500 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,520 I had never felt that bad. 501 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:38,120 And I had this moment in this bathroom, 502 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,700 it's my little burning bush story, 503 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:42,940 where I saw myself looking at myself in the mirror. 504 00:19:42,940 --> 00:19:45,240 And then just like that, no was a prayer, 505 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:46,600 but it was indeed a prayer. 506 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:49,580 I came from a very atheist, no religion, 507 00:19:49,580 --> 00:19:51,100 no praying going on there. 508 00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:52,840 You know, I had no God. 509 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,460 I was a seeker, but I had no relationship 510 00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:56,680 with a higher power. 511 00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:59,640 I had been that person running the show since I was seven. 512 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,360 And I said this prayer, which was, "God, please help me. 513 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,000 I can't live like this anymore." 514 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,560 As the tears rolled down my cheeks. 515 00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,800 Now I had bargained before like, 516 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,340 "Please, I don't wanna go to jail." 517 00:20:09,340 --> 00:20:11,180 Or, "Please, I don't wanna get hurt." 518 00:20:11,180 --> 00:20:13,220 Or, "Please, I don't wanna OD." 519 00:20:13,220 --> 00:20:15,840 Or, "Please, I can't lose this job." 520 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,300 But this time I believe it was a surrender. 521 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,600 I have a living problem. 522 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:20,800 You guys taught me that. 523 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,080 Drinking is not my alcoholism. 524 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,480 My living problem is. 525 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,520 My disease centers in my mind with that mental obsession, 526 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:30,580 the spiritual malady, that big gaping hole 527 00:20:30,580 --> 00:20:33,000 that I spent my whole life with in my gut 528 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,000 trying to fill with outside stuff. 529 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,440 All fleeting comes and goes. 530 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:38,960 He comes and goes, the job comes and goes, 531 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,880 the car comes and goes, the this comes and goes, 532 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:43,320 the school comes and goes. 533 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:46,680 But I said that prayer and I got picked up by my girlfriends 534 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,560 and they took, we went back to Hollywood 535 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,320 and they went up to San Luis Obispo 536 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:54,280 and that day what I remember about it was how sick I was. 537 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:56,840 But the miracle was in session. 538 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,180 It was happening. 539 00:20:58,180 --> 00:20:59,960 Because for the first time ever, 540 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,960 the idea that I just needed to have a little drink 541 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,840 is something I can't, I'm too sick to not. 542 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:07,480 It didn't even cross my mind. 543 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,360 And I was sick and I took a couple of showers. 544 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:10,920 I don't remember watching television 545 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:12,680 or listening to music or anything. 546 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:14,880 And at about 4.30 in the afternoon, 547 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:16,680 never left my apartment, I heard a voice 548 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,640 and the voice said, "Call alcoholic smells." 549 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,560 Now I don't know if I was revisiting the dialogue 550 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,640 I'd had with my brother two weeks before that. 551 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,040 I don't know, maybe I was. 552 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:26,800 I like to think it was God talking to me, 553 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,160 but I heard it clear as day. 554 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,760 And I went over to the little bar in my little kitchenette 555 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:34,260 and back in 1987, we had these big fat books 556 00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:37,040 called telephone books and I opened it up 557 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:38,460 and started to fan through it. 558 00:21:38,460 --> 00:21:42,920 And then we had these big things called landlines 559 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,680 and I called the number, no cell phones back then. 560 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,800 And I was calling Los Angeles Central Office 561 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,840 and the lady answered the phone and she says, 562 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:52,760 "Central Office, Los, Alcoholics Anonymous Central Office, 563 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:53,800 "can I help you?" 564 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,280 And I said, "I need to go to a meeting." 565 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:57,160 She said, "Honey, you called the right place." 566 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,560 She said, "There's a meeting at 6.30 at Kaiser Sunset. 567 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,360 "Would you like us to come and pick you up?" 568 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,320 And I said, "No, thank you, I have a car." 569 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:08,920 And I did, I even had insurance at the time. 570 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:11,480 There were little things, little things about me 571 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,760 that kept telling me, you're not that bad, right? 572 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,680 You got a car and insurance, right? 573 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:17,080 Although I was carrying the insurance, 574 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:20,840 it was up in Shell Beach, which cut it in half 575 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:25,560 from 90021 or wherever my Hollywood zip code was. 576 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:28,080 But anyway, I took the longest two mile drive 577 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:29,120 I'd ever taken in my life, 578 00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:32,500 sick as I had ever been down to Kaiser Sunset. 579 00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:34,080 And the miracle was in full swing 580 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:37,840 because I must have passed 15 to 20 liquor stores and bars. 581 00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,920 I only needed one little drink to get the edge off, right? 582 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:42,900 I was so sick, didn't even occur to me. 583 00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:44,200 And I got to the meeting that night 584 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:45,920 and it was around Robin Candlelight meeting. 585 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,320 And I sat down and what I remember about that meeting 586 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,280 is that when it came time to say something, 587 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:51,920 I don't know if I was just like parroting 588 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,600 what you guys were saying, it was very small. 589 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,480 I said, "My name is Terry and I'm an alcoholic." 590 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:56,880 And I started to cry really hard. 591 00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,820 And I remember thinking there's something about that 592 00:22:59,820 --> 00:23:01,000 that just sounded right. 593 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,760 And the guy sitting next to me put his hands on my shoulders 594 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,160 and he kind of tipped me next to him 595 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:06,620 and he looked me in the eyes and he said, 596 00:23:06,620 --> 00:23:08,480 "Terry, you're gonna be okay now 597 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,120 that you're an alcoholic synonymous." 598 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:12,640 And then I just started crying even harder, you know? 599 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,520 And I wish I could find that guy to tell him 600 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:17,760 that for 38 years and 10 months, 601 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,480 no matter what I've had to go through, I have been okay. 602 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:23,600 He didn't tell me everything's always gonna be okay. 603 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,800 'Cause sometimes it's not, sometimes it's just not. 604 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:27,920 You know, I had to drink over everything, you guys. 605 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,440 I had to drink when I was happy. 606 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:30,920 I had to drink when I was sad. 607 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,560 I had to drink when you didn't treat me right. 608 00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:35,940 You know, I had to drink over everything, you know? 609 00:23:35,940 --> 00:23:38,260 And since April 19th, 1987, 610 00:23:38,260 --> 00:23:41,080 I haven't found it necessary to take a drink 611 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:42,960 or any mind-altering chemicals. 612 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,160 It's not to say that there haven't been things 613 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,220 that possibly might've warranted it. 614 00:23:47,220 --> 00:23:50,220 But for me, I've never even had the thought. 615 00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:52,140 Now, it's not like that for everybody. 616 00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:55,280 And I wanna say that if the obsession is not gone 617 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:59,080 for somebody that's new in this room, you can stay sober. 618 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:00,620 There are plenty of people 619 00:24:00,620 --> 00:24:02,880 that have not had the obsession vanish. 620 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:06,300 It just so happens my story that day was I, 621 00:24:06,300 --> 00:24:08,300 that obsession had been lifted. 622 00:24:08,300 --> 00:24:09,520 It was impossible. 623 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:12,280 There from the first day that I drank at 11 years old 624 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:17,200 to the last time, last drink I took April 19th, 1987 at 30, 625 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:18,560 there wasn't a day that went by 626 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,600 that I wasn't drinking, using something, 627 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:23,120 or if I, for some reason, was white-knuckling it, 628 00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,680 waiting for the nanosecond I was gonna get back to it, 629 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,140 'cause there were times when I could stop, 630 00:24:27,140 --> 00:24:29,880 but I couldn't stay stopped, and it would always get worse. 631 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,260 And I know today very clear, that morning, April 19th, 632 00:24:33,260 --> 00:24:35,600 I am grateful for the desperation that I had. 633 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,940 I am grateful for everything that I had gone through 634 00:24:37,940 --> 00:24:40,000 and all the secrets that I'd accumulated, 635 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,200 which I no longer have as secrets 636 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,500 because the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous before it, 637 00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:47,420 because of that fourth step and the subsequent steps. 638 00:24:47,420 --> 00:24:49,620 It took everything it took, but I was desperate. 639 00:24:49,620 --> 00:24:51,860 And I got to you guys, the obsession was lifted, 640 00:24:51,860 --> 00:24:54,360 and I haven't had to drink or use anything since then. 641 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:55,400 I don't have very much time. 642 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,820 I went a little long on my drunk-a-lug here. 643 00:24:57,820 --> 00:24:59,300 What can I tell you? 644 00:24:59,300 --> 00:25:01,000 The second meeting, five days later, 645 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,400 I detoxed in my apartment. 646 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,080 There weren't as many rehabs and stuff. 647 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:06,080 A lot of people were just getting detoxed 648 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:06,920 in their apartment. 649 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:08,400 I was one of them, and I was sick. 650 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,280 By the way, my dad that died six months before I got sober, 651 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:15,420 he was trying to get into a rehab down in San Diego, 652 00:25:15,420 --> 00:25:17,280 a hospital, VA facility. 653 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,760 And before they got to him, he had an alcoholic seizure 654 00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:21,240 and he went into a coma. 655 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,800 And the last time I talked to my dad, 656 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,620 he and I had been at odds for a long time. 657 00:25:25,620 --> 00:25:26,460 I love my dad. 658 00:25:26,460 --> 00:25:28,520 I did not understand that alcoholism 659 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:30,320 was not a choice that he made. 660 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,560 We don't have a choice with untreated alcoholism, 661 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:33,940 and it is the rapacious creditor. 662 00:25:33,940 --> 00:25:35,760 It's gonna take everything away from you. 663 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,360 He loved his kids more than anything, 664 00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:39,960 but he could not show up for us because of his alcoholism. 665 00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:42,220 And I'd been pissed off at him for a real long time. 666 00:25:42,220 --> 00:25:43,400 I had that book, right? 667 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,720 He was like the top man on my list to resent. 668 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:48,960 And two weeks before he had that alcoholic seizure 669 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,660 and went into that coma, I had hung up on him 670 00:25:51,660 --> 00:25:53,180 and told him never to call me again. 671 00:25:53,180 --> 00:25:56,200 And that was gonna be at the top of my list for secrets. 672 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:57,920 And I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, 673 00:25:57,920 --> 00:25:59,440 try to finish this story anyway. 674 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:02,360 And right away, one of the first things I heard 675 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:06,200 was this idea that with our untreated alcoholism, 676 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:07,680 we don't have choice. 677 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,000 This disease takes us by the throat 678 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,680 and it's gonna strangle us. 679 00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:13,640 It's gonna take everything from us. 680 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,400 And I realized in that moment, very early on, 681 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,140 that my dad loved me more than anything. 682 00:26:18,140 --> 00:26:20,080 And he had told me that over and over again. 683 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:23,280 He just couldn't be there for us because of his disease. 684 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,160 But because of Alcoholics Anonymous, 685 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,840 because of the steps, because of strong sponsorship, 686 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:31,160 because of me being in the middle right from the beginning, 687 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,200 I was able to reframe that relationship with my dad 688 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:37,640 and see things that I had not been able to see about my dad 689 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:39,240 because of my own alcoholism. 690 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,380 And that relationship came to peace 691 00:26:41,380 --> 00:26:43,380 in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous 692 00:26:43,380 --> 00:26:46,580 through a lot of step work, strong sponsorship, 693 00:26:46,580 --> 00:26:47,500 working with others. 694 00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:49,480 And I have been left with this idea 695 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:53,000 that he is genuinely in my life as an angel. 696 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,060 I have felt that presence so many times 697 00:26:55,060 --> 00:26:56,400 over the last 38 years. 698 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:59,600 And I was able, obviously, first thing to forgive my dad, 699 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,080 that was easy, but I was able to forgive myself 700 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:05,160 because that was a heavy burden for me to carry for a while 701 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:08,480 about how I had hung up that morning on him 702 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:10,440 when he called to tell me he loved me. 703 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:12,480 So that was a big one for me. 704 00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,400 These last few years have been interesting. 705 00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,400 So anyway, let me tell you real quick, 706 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,020 five days after my first meeting, 707 00:27:18,020 --> 00:27:21,480 I got my first home group was WE Agnostics in Hollywood 708 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:22,800 and I got my first sponsor. 709 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:24,560 And I think this is a good story. 710 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:25,840 She shared for 10 minutes. 711 00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:27,160 I don't remember anything she said. 712 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:28,420 Then there was participation. 713 00:27:28,420 --> 00:27:30,840 And then this gal, Billianic, came over to me. 714 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:32,060 She had nine months sober. 715 00:27:32,060 --> 00:27:33,480 She had shared about pitiful 716 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,440 and incomprehensible demoralization. 717 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:38,400 She was living free because of Alcoholics Anonymous 718 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:39,600 and she was happy. 719 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,440 And I really wanted in right there. 720 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,480 She came over, she introduced herself. 721 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:45,880 She walked me over to Jan who was the leader that night. 722 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:49,200 And she said, Jan, this is Terry and Terry needs a sponsor. 723 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:50,160 Well, I hadn't said that 724 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,600 and I didn't even have any idea what that meant. 725 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:55,080 And she said, hi, Terry, nice to meet you. 726 00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:55,920 Is that true? 727 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:56,740 Do you need a sponsor? 728 00:27:56,740 --> 00:27:59,960 And I said, yes, does this mean I have? 729 00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:01,080 Oh, just one shoot. 730 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:05,080 I said, yes, and I don't know where that came from. 731 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,160 I'm the kind of person that says, well, maybe, 732 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:08,200 but I'll get back to you. 733 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,280 I got to think that through, right? 734 00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:11,860 That would have been a bad answer. 735 00:28:11,860 --> 00:28:13,160 And I said, yes. 736 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:14,480 And she said, that would be great. 737 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:15,960 I would love to sponsor you. 738 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,960 She said, but I'm gonna tell you something. 739 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:20,520 What I'm gonna ask you to do is not gonna be negotiable 740 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:22,440 'cause I only know one way to be sober. 741 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:23,920 She was about my age now. 742 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:25,680 She was old, my age now. 743 00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:27,560 She'd been sober five and a half years. 744 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:30,260 And she'd come out off from dying on her couch 745 00:28:30,260 --> 00:28:31,280 from alcoholism. 746 00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:33,620 And she was now five and a half years right in the middle. 747 00:28:33,620 --> 00:28:35,760 And she said, I'm gonna ask you to do stuff 748 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:37,200 that's not gonna be negotiable. 749 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:38,460 Do you think you can do it? 750 00:28:38,460 --> 00:28:40,600 I had no idea what this was all about. 751 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:41,560 And I said, yes. 752 00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:42,920 She said, great, call me in the morning. 753 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:43,960 And I called her in the morning. 754 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:45,880 That was Saturday morning, that meeting was Friday night. 755 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,940 And as soon as she started telling me the things 756 00:28:48,940 --> 00:28:51,140 we were gonna be doing, I knew I'd made a mistake. 757 00:28:51,140 --> 00:28:51,980 And that's not true. 758 00:28:51,980 --> 00:28:53,840 I had the perfect sponsor. 759 00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:55,640 She said, we're gonna work these steps 760 00:28:55,640 --> 00:28:57,640 like your life depends on it 'cause it's true. 761 00:28:57,640 --> 00:28:58,480 It really does. 762 00:28:58,480 --> 00:28:59,420 You're gonna have meetings. 763 00:28:59,420 --> 00:29:02,240 You're gonna have commitments at all of your meetings. 764 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,360 That's gonna teach you how to talk to people sober. 765 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:05,560 'Cause you know, I'm great with people 766 00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:07,400 as long as I have a cocktail in my hand, right? 767 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:09,680 She said, you're gonna show up early and stay late. 768 00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:11,900 When you get asked to do step in Alcoholics Anonymous, 769 00:29:11,900 --> 00:29:13,280 you're gonna do it no matter what, 770 00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:14,540 whether you want to or not. 771 00:29:14,540 --> 00:29:16,800 You're gonna thank speakers, whether you like them or not. 772 00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:19,420 She goes, and then she goes, if you stay here 773 00:29:19,420 --> 00:29:22,260 and become a good example and do what we do here 774 00:29:22,260 --> 00:29:25,400 and live and work these steps and practice these principles, 775 00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:27,120 especially your ability and all your affairs, 776 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:29,120 you're gonna find this God consciousness 777 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:31,360 because the first 164 pages of the big book 778 00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:34,440 is designed to help us identify that higher power 779 00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:36,360 that I choose to call God also today, 780 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,080 who has presented in my life over and over again, 781 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:41,160 not always in the way that I think it should look. 782 00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:42,640 It's been assignments. 783 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:44,920 I get assignments sometimes from God 784 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:48,340 on how I can work in situations and grow from them, 785 00:29:48,340 --> 00:29:49,520 even if they're not easy. 786 00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:51,860 She says then, she goes, if you do this stuff 787 00:29:51,860 --> 00:29:53,080 and become a good example here, 788 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:54,400 you're gonna get that greatest gift, 789 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:56,240 that gift that's really gonna catapult you 790 00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,840 into that new dimension, which will be sitting down 791 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:01,520 like I'm gonna sit with you with another alcoholic, 792 00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:03,680 taking them through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous 793 00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:06,080 like we're doing, watching that light come on in their eyes 794 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,480 and watching their lives come back together 795 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:10,360 or begin for the first time. 796 00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:13,040 And then it's gonna just rock at things for you, 797 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:15,000 which is what has happened for me. 798 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:18,120 And I've been in the middle of this place ever since. 799 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:21,600 Marriage came to an end, 2020, right before the pandemic. 800 00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:24,220 A lot of anger, a lot of work, God presented. 801 00:30:24,220 --> 00:30:25,240 We're all on Zoom. 802 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:27,480 All the girls I sponsor run out of things to do, 803 00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:29,620 so they all start doing inventories. 804 00:30:29,620 --> 00:30:34,000 I'm the wonderful benefactor of tons of great fifth steps 805 00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:36,780 while I'm doing work with my sponsor on my situation. 806 00:30:36,780 --> 00:30:39,340 Today, that man and I have the best relationship ever. 807 00:30:39,340 --> 00:30:40,640 We didn't reconcile. 808 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:41,960 He's still my best friend. 809 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:44,400 Surrender, acceptance, forgiveness. 810 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:46,400 Two months later, we lost my mother-in-law. 811 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:48,320 A month later, my brother overdosed. 812 00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:50,360 One of the most tragic things I've had to witness. 813 00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:53,360 The following year, a rollover bad accident 814 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:56,520 where freedom from bondage, a story in the back of the book 815 00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:58,840 talks about the 14-day prayer and resentment. 816 00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:00,520 Resentment's the number one offender for me. 817 00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:03,120 It's gonna take more people out than anything else, right? 818 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:05,760 So instead of 14 days, I had to pray for seven months. 819 00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:08,560 And it was about a year to the date from that accident, 820 00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:11,280 and I realized I'd gotten free 'cause of the commitment. 821 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:12,540 Right when you think it's all over, 822 00:31:12,540 --> 00:31:14,160 you get a cancer diagnosis. 823 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:15,320 I'm cancer-free now, 824 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:18,440 but God put newcomers in my life extra commitments. 825 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:20,240 You know, this life is an amazing journey. 826 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:23,020 You know, I can walk with my head to help hide today. 827 00:31:23,020 --> 00:31:25,200 I'm comfortable in my own skin most of the time. 828 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:26,640 I'm sponsored actively. 829 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:29,480 I need that woman in my life to bounce stuff off of 830 00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:31,880 and once in a while readjust my attitude, 831 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,440 sponsor a lot of women, get to be with you guys. 832 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:37,440 10, 11, 12, you know, we gotta live this life. 833 00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:39,400 You know, this is not a one and done thing. 834 00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:41,000 And the gifts keep on coming 835 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:42,820 as long as I keep doing the work. 836 00:31:42,820 --> 00:31:44,520 Thank you so much for having me.