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 Hey everybody Meredith Alcoholic, I want to thank Abraham for asking me to come speak

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 here tonight and Alex for his share, we're about the same age but that's certainly not

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 my sobriety date, I wish it was.

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 My sobriety date is September 5th, 2017 so I have a little over eight years and gosh

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 it's funny, I was like oh there's not that many people here and during chapter five they

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 literally doubled fast.

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 Let's see, yeah, so full disclosure, I'm also 37 weeks pregnant and I have a horrible

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 sigh in my eye and a potty trained toddler at home and just like woolsing in and out

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 burger before I got here so if anyone else is feeling a little uncomfortable I feel you,

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 I also am.

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 Let's see, so I'll just tell you a little bit about what it was like, what happened,

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 what it's like now.

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 I grew up in Pasadena, beautiful home, beautiful family, nothing I could want for really but

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 it was impossible to see that when I was younger.

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 You know I mentioned being uncomfortable and like that's really sort of the root of where

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 my alcoholism starts, it starts with being uncomfortable and being just kind of generally

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 dissatisfied with life.

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 That's my first memory is just being really dissatisfied with what I had and as I mentioned

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 I had a lot and looking back on it, you know, it's definitely, you know, none of these amazing

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 things are why I'm an alcoholic, in fact, I think they're why I'm not dead but it was

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 all my earliest memories just of being very dissatisfied with life.

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 I wanted more, that's my disease, I want more and I want and I think my alcoholism tells

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 me that if I just have that one more thing, that one more person, that one more drink,

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 that one more drug that I'm going to be okay and I'm going to be comfortable and like I

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 will do anything to feel comfortable.

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 So when I was younger I started kind of performing at a very young age, acting was my favorite

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 thing and it was because I never had to be myself because I thought being myself was

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 boring and underwhelming and I didn't want that.

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 So I started performing and I got to be other people and that was kind of my drug of choice

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 for a really long time and then I was kind of thinking about it earlier and I realized

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 that I sort of started my first geographic before my alcoholism ever really before my

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 alcohol and drug use ever really got out of control because I had the opportunity to go

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 to a really good acting program at UC Irvine but instead I was so anxious to just get away

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 from where I was, from my family, from the school I'd gone to for nine years from I just

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 it was this was the problem was where I was from where I lived and so I went all the way

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 across the country to Boston to a school where I got where I didn't get into the theater

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 program but I thought oh it's fine I'll just deal with that later like what I need to do

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 right now is get away.

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 Oh and thank you Brianna for welcoming me.

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 So I got over there and I pretty I fell into drinking and using with that same you know

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 crowd that Alex talked about pretty quickly because all of a sudden my solution I didn't

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 have it anymore and I felt extremely inadequate being I didn't have a purpose and all of a

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 sudden I was away from what had been my higher power up until that point was just my parents.

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 So yeah things for for two years I learned how to do all the drinking and drugging I got

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 you know written up a bunch I got alcohol poisoning I got you know I it was just it

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 was really bad ice and because I had had such a I'd had a really good education so I got

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 to college and I just kind of like was able to do okay without really paying attention

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 and just continuing to feel worse and worse about who I was because I wasn't doing the

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 thing that I thought made me who I was which was performing.

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 So I made the decision after two years to come home and stop wasting my parents money

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 well I thought was what I was thinking I was like this is so smart of me and so kind and

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 I'm the best daughter.

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 So I came back I came back and I wound up I did I got into an acting school in Hollywood

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 and it was like okay this is great now I'm moving to Hollywood I'm gonna what could possibly

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 go wrong you know I'm 21 years old I'm moving to Hollywood to go to acting school and it

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 was wonderful and I loved it but it was like I found all this the right people I found

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 all the same people I started doing all the same stuff drinking and using and I did pretty

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 well and I wound up you know I got a manager and I got an agent and but what I discovered

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 is that I was so full of something I was so uncomfortable all the time that I kept prioritizing

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 my drinking and using over my career like I would always it would always be like I could

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 never you know I can never smoke because pot is a big part of my story I was like oh I

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 should never you know smoke before auditioning or anything like that and I always would because

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 I was just so I just couldn't not be altered you know that's how I did life and that's

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 how I felt comfortable or how I thought I felt comfortable.

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 So eventually you know all of that kind of you know I became a bartender which is a great

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 job to have when you're an actor it's also a really good job to have when you're a drunk

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 so and I was really good at it I've had the opportunity to kind of you know if I put my

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 mind to something I'm pretty good at I think a lot of us are that way and so slowly my

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 bartending became more important than my acting and my agent went away and my manager went

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 away and and I you know I had a group of people that I was drinking and using with pretty

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 regularly and I decided like okay well I'll just move home that that's the problem Hollywood

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 is about home so I did it at a geographic move home and decided like okay well maybe

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 I'll stop trying to act because maybe it's the it's the business of acting that is making

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 it so hard for me I love to perform but I hate the business and I and I do to this day

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 I mean I will say was definitely a you know an alcoholic move but I but I do think that

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 you know people that people who are professional actors in the industry in Los Angeles there's

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 a certain amount of self-love I feel like you have to have but I feel like a lot of

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 alcohol that I as an alcoholic do not have I mean I really you know I'm so full of judgment

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 for other people when it comes to myself I just think I'm an absolute piece of you know

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 what and it's very hard to just show up in the room to play you know like slutty girl

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 number three which was one of the days I kind of hit a bottle with my auditioning career

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 you know it's it's like there has to be a lot of you know a lot of self self something

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 there that was and I was just consumed with self in such a negative you know spiraling

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 way so I decided you know I went back to school I thought I'll work in human service administration

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 and I'll try to do nonprofit work with my family that you know just any I was just trying

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 to to live up to a potential that I had somehow placed on myself because of my family and

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 my schooling and all that and and at the same time like nurture my my alcoholism because

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 that was the only thing that was making me feel safe what happened for me was a you know

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 I moved around a little bit more one of you know I bartended a few more places and consequences

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 started to sort of build up in ways I mean I was always horrifically hungover like I

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 just I would look at a tap of and be hungover I mean it was really so it's just I live my

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 life kind of half in the dark always and then you know I would I wouldn't be able to show

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 up for things I couldn't show up for my family and eventually I got pulled over I got arrested

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 for I was driving I was working in downtown living in Pasadena and I was driving my drunk

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 friend home after a night that I've been working at the bar and blew a .29 and got taken all

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 the way back I was like two exits from Pasadena too it was like it was such a tragedy you

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 know and got pulled and yeah the 110 I think the harbor freeway is very windy so like if

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 you swirly swirly sort of I mean I guess I don't accept things about it now but I got

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 taken all the way back downtown and I were kind of despite being super you know technically

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 my BAC was pretty high but I was very present for the whole thing and it was just like how

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 did a good girl like me wind up in a place like this and I kept I'd written down my friend's

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 phone number but I kept trying to call him and it wouldn't go through and and the only

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 phone numbers I know are my you know my parents so so I called them and you know they picked

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 me up and but it was the craziest thing because they were just so I think they were so in

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 shock that that had happened to their kid that they were sort of their attitude about

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 it was very much like well this could have happened to any of us like this is you know

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 like this is crazy this is this is insane but like this is just you know this this is

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 are you okay like you know what what we do and it was you know I was full of shame and

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 guilt but it was also kind of a relief that they were just like because they were still

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 basically my higher power I mean well drugs and alcohol have become my higher power but

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 my parents were still the people that I answered to even at like I was I guess 28 years old

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 when this happened so to have them kind of like support me and not be you know ready

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 to disown me I was like oh okay you know what yeah this really could have happened to any

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 of us like I really this is not a problem and it took me about 48 hours before I was

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 back at the bar drinking like it didn't do it didn't do anything even though the consequences

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 were rough you know we I they took my life I suspended my license for a month they uh

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 you know I got I had an interlock I had breathalyzer in my car they sentenced me to 10 AA meetings

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 I think and then I had to go to you know DUI class and all that stuff and it was so for

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 a while it was very challenging because I was I did not stop drinking I did not slow

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 down I had to get a handheld breathalyzer so I wouldn't set off my breathalyzer in my

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 car because I was still bartending and still drinking and I would get stuck places and

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 get like oh I can't you know now I got away from I mean the insanity now looking back

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 it's it's absurd but at the time it was like this is just this is who I am this is how

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 I live my family you know we're all we were all drinkers it was like I just couldn't possibly

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 convince myself that bartending was like this way of life for me so I could never you know

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 how could I give up alcohol when this is like this is my livelihood this is what I'm passionate

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 about and um what happened was I I met I met a guy on tinder the classic fairy tale um

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 and I had to meet me I was it was during the month when my license was suspended which

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 was awesome because I would just take the train from Pasadena to downtown and I could

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 drink as much as I wanted and then I'd take the train or an Uber call and there was like

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 no I didn't have to worry about anything it was carefree and uh and so I had to meet me

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 on Friday night at seven grand in downtown and um I ordered a chamois beer and he ordered

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 a coke and I thought that was so sweet because he'd come all the way from the valley to come

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 have a drink with me downtown and that's very responsible of him so not drinking drink um

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 not something that I would ever do but that is not drinking drink um and we sat there for

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 you know we sat there for 10 minutes and I got another chamois beer and he had another

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 coke and I was like all of a sudden I just had this weird thing and I was like you're

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 sober aren't you because I'd started going to DUI class in the meantime which was another

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 place where I was like this is so great for all of you guys but this is definitely not

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 gonna be for me but I love this and this workbook is really helpful and insightful and um and

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 I said you're sober aren't you and he said yeah and it was like this moment where I had

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 I had always said I was like there's no way I could ever be with anybody who was sober

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 our lives were just so incompatible but it was like it took me like 15 minutes to figure

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 out he was sober and it took me like 10 minutes to like totally follow up with him and so

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 I was like in a really in a in a bit of a bind and so I started this relationship with

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 um a sober guy in Alcoholics Anonymous and he started a relationship with me a a bartending

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 out of work actress who was two months off of a DUI in DUI class with you know with a

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 breathalyzer in my car and no intention of getting sober um we should have been sorry

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 yeah but we started we had we started you know just to see each other and and he was

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 very he was really working his program at the time he had about almost four years of

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 sobriety at the time and was very just like doing his own thing and the stuff that I put

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 him through man I mean I'd make him I he'd come out with me and my friends and he'd drive

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 me around and he helped me you know he was just he was wonderful and very much attraction

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 you know an attraction not a promotion and it took about we were it took about a year

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 of watching me go down watching myself go kind of downhill in terms of we moved in together

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 in the valley and um and I was still bartending and it was you know it was hard but I was

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 like determined to be a really good girlfriend I stopped you know I didn't I when we moved

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 out here I stopped hanging out with all those people I was drinking with and like when I

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 would hit my bong I would like hit it in the closet to try to be respectful just doing

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 my best to be a really solid girlfriend and um it finally got to the point where I was

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 so like I would kind of oscillate back and forth between drinking and you know and other

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 drugs and I was really sort of everything yeah I had a really bad drunk one night where

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 I was very sick and the next day I looked at him and he had this look on his face and

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 I'll never forget it because it was like it was like I'm gonna lose this person at some

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 point and it's not today it's not tomorrow but eventually this is gonna be this is I'm

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 gonna lose this and it was enough to realize that I didn't want to live that way anymore

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 because I had just been in because the night before I'd been in a bar with my friend who

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 had gotten blackout drunk and like called this guy a racial slur and then we were in

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 the uber and his she's passed out and his her boyfriend was like hitting on me I mean

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 it was really like a vision for you situation where I was like this is not what I wanted

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 and um we went on a vacation where I was where I was only able to drink while we were on

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 vacation with my family and I was super sick while we were there because I was withdrawing

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 from other stuff and and when we got back I thought okay I'll just like maybe just try

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 not to drink for a little while and so I took like I got like 39 days white knuckling it

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 and was really horrifically unhappy and my brain was going all over the place and all

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 this stuff and then I finally you know came around and it was Labor Day this and I was

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 like it's a holiday so really important holiday and I and I I deserve this you know that's

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 my alcoholism is all is all is all about I deserve this um and I I I used for the the

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 last time and I had this I had kind of a spiritual awakening about it because I had gotten far

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 enough away from my habitual drinking and using to not feel safe when I did it anymore

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 I felt really betrayed because all of a sudden I felt really I felt extremely uncomfortable

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 and um I'm super grateful for that moment because that was when I decided to come into

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 the program and luckily I had this great example of somebody who was still you know who was

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 working it and he started taking me within the meetings and um I got a really sort of

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 hardcore sponsor right away started working the steps and uh going to a lot of meetings

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 and you know I don't know I to this day it's like the farther I get away from that from

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 that moment of you know where the the desperation and the willingness kind of you know kind

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 of touch each other like the the more and more of a miracle it feels like because you

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 know as has already been said tonight living sober is is a lot harder than getting sober

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 unfortunately um although I will say that getting a little bit of time away from that

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 last drink is is helpful because on those days you know I've had a lot of stuff has

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 happened in the last in the last eight years you know I turned when I turned five years

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 sober my brother-in-law my sister's husband who I was very close to died of this disease

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 he was 45 and then um I left my job and had had my first baby which was wonderful and

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 joyous then my sponsor relapsed out of nowhere and then my dad died and it was just like

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 one thing after another of horrible um stuff happening and those were the times when it

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 was like when it was some of these things that I think of as like character defects

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 right like you think of my of pride and of um you know and of and of sloth and some and

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 things that were some of the only things that were keeping me sober because it was about

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 it was you know it was having pride that I had the time that I already had and it was

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 being too too lazy to consider having to be 30 60 90 days sober again because it was a

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 lot a lot of work and um you know so I it was hard to contend with that for a little

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 while with what how do I how do I manage these things that I would consider to be character

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 defects but sometimes it's the only thing that keeps him sober um but then I remember

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 that you know character defects are what get between our usefulness to of our usefulness

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 to God and to our fellows and as long as I'm sober I know that I'm more useful to God and

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 to my fellows so it's okay it's like whatever works some days um and I will say you know

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 my sponsor going out was a big one for me because I really had her up on a pedestal

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 she really was somebody who it was like the word of God and when she went out it just

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 came out she had just she had just gotten through um breast cancer everything she just

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 graduated she just gotten some degree she had like a thousand degrees and all of a sudden

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 she was on she called me and my my my daughter was like three months old and I was on the

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 way to Pasadena to go see my dad who was dying of this horrible dementia and and she called

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 me and she was on the way to rehab and I was just like what are you talking what are you

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 talking about and um I was full of a lot of anger because well because I put her up there

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 first of all you know I put her on the pedestal and then I felt like you know but look at

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 what's going on in my life right now how could you possibly decide to relax right now like

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 I clearly need you and um you know that was a tough one and I'll say she's really struggled

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 I mean that was that was the summer of 2023 and right now tonight she is back at Betty

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 Ford she can't stay sober and um and it's been hard because there have been a couple

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 of other instances where she was supposed to show up for me and she hasn't been able

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 to and it's like it it's it's hard not to take it personally but it's a really I mean

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 no I'm not grateful that she relapsed but the way that it's all happened I can see the lesson

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 in it now right I mean I can see the I see the light I look back on you know some of

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 these horrific things like well horrific is not getting into you eyes could be much more

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 horrific than it was for me because I didn't kill anybody I didn't hurt myself um but it

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 was at the time it was the worst thing that ever happened to me and now I see it as being

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 one of the best things because it allowed me to have an open mind that allowed me to

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 meet this person who became my husband who was able to show me a different way of life

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 and now because of that I am sober and it's hard to think of blooming any other way and

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 that's a miracle and with my sponsor going out you know it's I hate I hate that she's

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 going through this but you know it helped me to understand what a sponsor's real role

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 is someone's life and it's allowed me to sponsor women now in a much less self-critical way

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 because I'm just I'm just an alcoholic and so is she and so is she and um it's also been

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 a huge lesson as I sort of intimated like it's been a huge lesson in right-sizing myself

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 because it's just you know it's not it's just not all about me and that's how I you know

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 if I if I stop working my program for even one day that's what it becomes it becomes

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 all about me and it's all you know and I'm able to because of because of the foundation

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 that she helped me build I'm able to see that you know that her alcoholism has nothing to

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 do with me she's not trying to hurt me she wishes she could show up for me and right

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 now she can hopefully she will it's also an excellent reminder because one of the reasons

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 why I wanted her to sponsor me in the beginning was because the stories that she told about

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 how she was when she was out there I wouldn't have believed them because she was such a

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 woman of grace and dignity and alcoholics anonymous and to see someone and now just

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 to witness it firsthand is really hard it's like oh damn it's like you're you're a real

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 alcoholic you know you were not um she wasn't joking about any of it when she was talking

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 to me about her fantasy and um it's all you know so just trying I try to see that all

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 for the good and um I want to talk a little bit about my relationship with my higher power

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 because that's sort of been uh an ever-evolving situation because when I showed up here I

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 was very uh anti-religious I guess I was raised by a recovering Catholic mom who never let

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 that go but that's another story and and a dad you know a father who sort of worshipped

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 at the altar of science and um so I was raised to be extremely um you know hesitant wary

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 of organized religion and to basically believe that anybody who believed in God or or prayer

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 or any of that kind of stuff was just not as smart as as we were that being said though

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 I've already told you guys that like basically I realized I've always had a higher power

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 in my life it was just people it was people places and things I mean my parents were my

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 higher power for a long time and then you know drugs and alcohol took over but I've

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 also it's been you know it's been boyfriends it's been this and that it's it was my sponsor

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 for a time like it's it's been a journey of recognizing that I've always had something

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 or someone in my life that I relied on like that and um and it was deeply disturbing when

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 I discovered that that I had made drugs and alcohol my higher power for so long because

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 it felt very like you know I felt so so smart you know so much smarter than everybody else

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 and uh and the truth was like I'm just another you know I'm just another alcoholic who was

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 uh yeah worshipping at the altar of of the all these substances that I thought were making

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 me you know feel comfortable feel like who I'm supposed to be so um that was a uh that

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 was kind of a rude awakening but it opened the door for me to be able to recognize that

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 today I feel like the idea of having faith in a higher power and trusting and relying

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 on something besides myself that I don't really understand is like the most courageous thing

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 you can do and um I still you know can bristle at some of the at the Lord's Prayer don't

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 get me wrong but at the end of the day like what I'm really looking for here in Alcoholics

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 Anonymous today is a is a practical way of living that's what I really need and that's

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 what I go to when I do have those moments where I think about the only thing keeping

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 me here is just not being willing to start again and you know not wanting to give up

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 my time or have to put on my hand or all that prideful stuff is just like no I need a I

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 need a a way to to live that works under difficult circumstances and um so that's what I've kind

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 of been working on with you know cultivating that higher power is just like what can I

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 you know how can I give up control because I just want to be in control of everything

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 and everyone and at the same time I don't want to have to make any decisions so um I

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 don't know if anybody could relate to that so I'm working but it's it's it's been a relief

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 to not have to worry about that part of the program so much anymore and just kind of let

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 it be I still you know I work I it's hard each day to uh you know my prayer is pretty

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 stilted and my talking to God is a little like oh hey it's a little you know like that

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 person at the grocery store that you haven't seen in a while um but you know just remembering

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 that you know that there there is something out there and that it's not me and I don't

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 have to be the higher power be my husband's higher power or my kid's higher power or anything

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 like that is a is a huge relief um let's see what time do I stop 25 yeah so let's see today

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 I um you know I do have the opportunity to sponsor a couple of women and um that's an

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 amazing it's been an amazing experience made I think better by the fact that I went through

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 this whole experience with my sponsor because like I said I do feel a lot of uh it's a lot

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 more of a you know my my program feels a lot looser sort of that loose garment kind of

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 thing that it talks about and um I'm able to you know to really listen which the other

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 day my sponsor was like you're just so good at listening and I was just like that's amazing

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 because I feel like I spend my whole life just waiting to talk always like I just want

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 to just you stop talking so I can talk but the humility that's come from being sober

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 and I want to talk about that just uncomfortability again because I still you know go out into

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 the world and feel really uncomfortable at the time but the um you know that willingness

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 to not only be uncomfortable but to just accept what is is uh has been a huge part of my sobriety

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 like acceptance of you know what's happened and not having to like it but just being willing

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 to work with the circumstances that I have it's like that permeates the difference between

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 walking into a wall and walking through a door like if I'm just willing to accept what's

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 going on right now then I I have options whereas it used to just be me it was just my head

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 in a brick wall and um that's you know acceptance is pretty much the biggest part of my program

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 these days because I don't have a lot of no control over what happens I have a toddler

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 which is a living embodiment of having no control over anything um and uh but I have

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 this big beautiful life that I never thought I would have and the best part about it not

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 all the stuff and it's not you know it's it's that like I feel for the first time in my

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 life that my insides match my outsides and now I have a place where I can come and I

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 can talk about all the uncomfortability that I feel and I can relate to people who feel

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 the same way that I do I thought I couldn't understand for the longest time why there

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 was nobody else in the world that would spiral out about some weird comment they've made

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 to their volleyball coach you know when they were 12 years old um and then I found a whole

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 bunch of people who did the same way I do so um you know I just can't imagine my life

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 without my sobriety and that being said I feel very young in sobriety still but I just

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 don't know I just I'm grateful to have a sober home my sister so my sister just celebrated

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 nine years on Thursday my uh my brother-in-law my husband's brother is also sober we've got

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 this like we've got this big beautiful sober family and um and it's like all of a sudden

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 we've stopped kind of whatever generational not alcoholism maybe but drinking like now

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 my mom's the only one that'll maybe have like a glass of wine she's like the most normal

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 normal drinker it's so annoying but then she'll just sort of take it or leave it now and you

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 know my sister we're all those of us who are still here we're sober and we're setting a

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 different kind of example for our kids and it's just for somebody who could not imagine

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 living life regardless of how up or down or how I was feeling when I was drinking it was

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 just like I have alcohol is a part you know it was always there it had a it had a seat

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 at the table and it doesn't have one anymore and it's nice because it doesn't feel like

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 there's a it doesn't feel like there's somebody missing you know so um I think that's I think

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 that's all I have thank you so much for asking me to come out of here and take care