Hey everybody Meredith Alcoholic, I want to thank Abraham for asking me to come speak
here tonight and Alex for his share, we're about the same age but that's certainly not
my sobriety date, I wish it was.
My sobriety date is September 5th, 2017 so I have a little over eight years and gosh
it's funny, I was like oh there's not that many people here and during chapter five they
literally doubled fast.
Let's see, yeah, so full disclosure, I'm also 37 weeks pregnant and I have a horrible
sigh in my eye and a potty trained toddler at home and just like woolsing in and out
burger before I got here so if anyone else is feeling a little uncomfortable I feel you,
I also am.
Let's see, so I'll just tell you a little bit about what it was like, what happened,
what it's like now.
I grew up in Pasadena, beautiful home, beautiful family, nothing I could want for really but
it was impossible to see that when I was younger.
You know I mentioned being uncomfortable and like that's really sort of the root of where
my alcoholism starts, it starts with being uncomfortable and being just kind of generally
dissatisfied with life.
That's my first memory is just being really dissatisfied with what I had and as I mentioned
I had a lot and looking back on it, you know, it's definitely, you know, none of these amazing
things are why I'm an alcoholic, in fact, I think they're why I'm not dead but it was
all my earliest memories just of being very dissatisfied with life.
I wanted more, that's my disease, I want more and I want and I think my alcoholism tells
me that if I just have that one more thing, that one more person, that one more drink,
that one more drug that I'm going to be okay and I'm going to be comfortable and like I
will do anything to feel comfortable.
So when I was younger I started kind of performing at a very young age, acting was my favorite
thing and it was because I never had to be myself because I thought being myself was
boring and underwhelming and I didn't want that.
So I started performing and I got to be other people and that was kind of my drug of choice
for a really long time and then I was kind of thinking about it earlier and I realized
that I sort of started my first geographic before my alcoholism ever really before my
alcohol and drug use ever really got out of control because I had the opportunity to go
to a really good acting program at UC Irvine but instead I was so anxious to just get away
from where I was, from my family, from the school I'd gone to for nine years from I just
it was this was the problem was where I was from where I lived and so I went all the way
across the country to Boston to a school where I got where I didn't get into the theater
program but I thought oh it's fine I'll just deal with that later like what I need to do
right now is get away.
Oh and thank you Brianna for welcoming me.
So I got over there and I pretty I fell into drinking and using with that same you know
crowd that Alex talked about pretty quickly because all of a sudden my solution I didn't
have it anymore and I felt extremely inadequate being I didn't have a purpose and all of a
sudden I was away from what had been my higher power up until that point was just my parents.
So yeah things for for two years I learned how to do all the drinking and drugging I got
you know written up a bunch I got alcohol poisoning I got you know I it was just it
was really bad ice and because I had had such a I'd had a really good education so I got
to college and I just kind of like was able to do okay without really paying attention
and just continuing to feel worse and worse about who I was because I wasn't doing the
thing that I thought made me who I was which was performing.
So I made the decision after two years to come home and stop wasting my parents money
well I thought was what I was thinking I was like this is so smart of me and so kind and
I'm the best daughter.
So I came back I came back and I wound up I did I got into an acting school in Hollywood
and it was like okay this is great now I'm moving to Hollywood I'm gonna what could possibly
go wrong you know I'm 21 years old I'm moving to Hollywood to go to acting school and it
was wonderful and I loved it but it was like I found all this the right people I found
all the same people I started doing all the same stuff drinking and using and I did pretty
well and I wound up you know I got a manager and I got an agent and but what I discovered
is that I was so full of something I was so uncomfortable all the time that I kept prioritizing
my drinking and using over my career like I would always it would always be like I could
never you know I can never smoke because pot is a big part of my story I was like oh I
should never you know smoke before auditioning or anything like that and I always would because
I was just so I just couldn't not be altered you know that's how I did life and that's
how I felt comfortable or how I thought I felt comfortable.
So eventually you know all of that kind of you know I became a bartender which is a great
job to have when you're an actor it's also a really good job to have when you're a drunk
so and I was really good at it I've had the opportunity to kind of you know if I put my
mind to something I'm pretty good at I think a lot of us are that way and so slowly my
bartending became more important than my acting and my agent went away and my manager went
away and and I you know I had a group of people that I was drinking and using with pretty
regularly and I decided like okay well I'll just move home that that's the problem Hollywood
is about home so I did it at a geographic move home and decided like okay well maybe
I'll stop trying to act because maybe it's the it's the business of acting that is making
it so hard for me I love to perform but I hate the business and I and I do to this day
I mean I will say was definitely a you know an alcoholic move but I but I do think that
you know people that people who are professional actors in the industry in Los Angeles there's
a certain amount of self-love I feel like you have to have but I feel like a lot of
alcohol that I as an alcoholic do not have I mean I really you know I'm so full of judgment
for other people when it comes to myself I just think I'm an absolute piece of you know
what and it's very hard to just show up in the room to play you know like slutty girl
number three which was one of the days I kind of hit a bottle with my auditioning career
you know it's it's like there has to be a lot of you know a lot of self self something
there that was and I was just consumed with self in such a negative you know spiraling
way so I decided you know I went back to school I thought I'll work in human service administration
and I'll try to do nonprofit work with my family that you know just any I was just trying
to to live up to a potential that I had somehow placed on myself because of my family and
my schooling and all that and and at the same time like nurture my my alcoholism because
that was the only thing that was making me feel safe what happened for me was a you know
I moved around a little bit more one of you know I bartended a few more places and consequences
started to sort of build up in ways I mean I was always horrifically hungover like I
just I would look at a tap of and be hungover I mean it was really so it's just I live my
life kind of half in the dark always and then you know I would I wouldn't be able to show
up for things I couldn't show up for my family and eventually I got pulled over I got arrested
for I was driving I was working in downtown living in Pasadena and I was driving my drunk
friend home after a night that I've been working at the bar and blew a .29 and got taken all
the way back I was like two exits from Pasadena too it was like it was such a tragedy you
know and got pulled and yeah the 110 I think the harbor freeway is very windy so like if
you swirly swirly sort of I mean I guess I don't accept things about it now but I got
taken all the way back downtown and I were kind of despite being super you know technically
my BAC was pretty high but I was very present for the whole thing and it was just like how
did a good girl like me wind up in a place like this and I kept I'd written down my friend's
phone number but I kept trying to call him and it wouldn't go through and and the only
phone numbers I know are my you know my parents so so I called them and you know they picked
me up and but it was the craziest thing because they were just so I think they were so in
shock that that had happened to their kid that they were sort of their attitude about
it was very much like well this could have happened to any of us like this is you know
like this is crazy this is this is insane but like this is just you know this this is
are you okay like you know what what we do and it was you know I was full of shame and
guilt but it was also kind of a relief that they were just like because they were still
basically my higher power I mean well drugs and alcohol have become my higher power but
my parents were still the people that I answered to even at like I was I guess 28 years old
when this happened so to have them kind of like support me and not be you know ready
to disown me I was like oh okay you know what yeah this really could have happened to any
of us like I really this is not a problem and it took me about 48 hours before I was
back at the bar drinking like it didn't do it didn't do anything even though the consequences
were rough you know we I they took my life I suspended my license for a month they uh
you know I got I had an interlock I had breathalyzer in my car they sentenced me to 10 AA meetings
I think and then I had to go to you know DUI class and all that stuff and it was so for
a while it was very challenging because I was I did not stop drinking I did not slow
down I had to get a handheld breathalyzer so I wouldn't set off my breathalyzer in my
car because I was still bartending and still drinking and I would get stuck places and
get like oh I can't you know now I got away from I mean the insanity now looking back
it's it's absurd but at the time it was like this is just this is who I am this is how
I live my family you know we're all we were all drinkers it was like I just couldn't possibly
convince myself that bartending was like this way of life for me so I could never you know
how could I give up alcohol when this is like this is my livelihood this is what I'm passionate
about and um what happened was I I met I met a guy on tinder the classic fairy tale um
and I had to meet me I was it was during the month when my license was suspended which
was awesome because I would just take the train from Pasadena to downtown and I could
drink as much as I wanted and then I'd take the train or an Uber call and there was like
no I didn't have to worry about anything it was carefree and uh and so I had to meet me
on Friday night at seven grand in downtown and um I ordered a chamois beer and he ordered
a coke and I thought that was so sweet because he'd come all the way from the valley to come
have a drink with me downtown and that's very responsible of him so not drinking drink um
not something that I would ever do but that is not drinking drink um and we sat there for
you know we sat there for 10 minutes and I got another chamois beer and he had another
coke and I was like all of a sudden I just had this weird thing and I was like you're
sober aren't you because I'd started going to DUI class in the meantime which was another
place where I was like this is so great for all of you guys but this is definitely not
gonna be for me but I love this and this workbook is really helpful and insightful and um and
I said you're sober aren't you and he said yeah and it was like this moment where I had
I had always said I was like there's no way I could ever be with anybody who was sober
our lives were just so incompatible but it was like it took me like 15 minutes to figure
out he was sober and it took me like 10 minutes to like totally follow up with him and so
I was like in a really in a in a bit of a bind and so I started this relationship with
um a sober guy in Alcoholics Anonymous and he started a relationship with me a a bartending
out of work actress who was two months off of a DUI in DUI class with you know with a
breathalyzer in my car and no intention of getting sober um we should have been sorry
yeah but we started we had we started you know just to see each other and and he was
very he was really working his program at the time he had about almost four years of
sobriety at the time and was very just like doing his own thing and the stuff that I put
him through man I mean I'd make him I he'd come out with me and my friends and he'd drive
me around and he helped me you know he was just he was wonderful and very much attraction
you know an attraction not a promotion and it took about we were it took about a year
of watching me go down watching myself go kind of downhill in terms of we moved in together
in the valley and um and I was still bartending and it was you know it was hard but I was
like determined to be a really good girlfriend I stopped you know I didn't I when we moved
out here I stopped hanging out with all those people I was drinking with and like when I
would hit my bong I would like hit it in the closet to try to be respectful just doing
my best to be a really solid girlfriend and um it finally got to the point where I was
so like I would kind of oscillate back and forth between drinking and you know and other
drugs and I was really sort of everything yeah I had a really bad drunk one night where
I was very sick and the next day I looked at him and he had this look on his face and
I'll never forget it because it was like it was like I'm gonna lose this person at some
point and it's not today it's not tomorrow but eventually this is gonna be this is I'm
gonna lose this and it was enough to realize that I didn't want to live that way anymore
because I had just been in because the night before I'd been in a bar with my friend who
had gotten blackout drunk and like called this guy a racial slur and then we were in
the uber and his she's passed out and his her boyfriend was like hitting on me I mean
it was really like a vision for you situation where I was like this is not what I wanted
and um we went on a vacation where I was where I was only able to drink while we were on
vacation with my family and I was super sick while we were there because I was withdrawing
from other stuff and and when we got back I thought okay I'll just like maybe just try
not to drink for a little while and so I took like I got like 39 days white knuckling it
and was really horrifically unhappy and my brain was going all over the place and all
this stuff and then I finally you know came around and it was Labor Day this and I was
like it's a holiday so really important holiday and I and I I deserve this you know that's
my alcoholism is all is all is all about I deserve this um and I I I used for the the
last time and I had this I had kind of a spiritual awakening about it because I had gotten far
enough away from my habitual drinking and using to not feel safe when I did it anymore
I felt really betrayed because all of a sudden I felt really I felt extremely uncomfortable
and um I'm super grateful for that moment because that was when I decided to come into
the program and luckily I had this great example of somebody who was still you know who was
working it and he started taking me within the meetings and um I got a really sort of
hardcore sponsor right away started working the steps and uh going to a lot of meetings
and you know I don't know I to this day it's like the farther I get away from that from
that moment of you know where the the desperation and the willingness kind of you know kind
of touch each other like the the more and more of a miracle it feels like because you
know as has already been said tonight living sober is is a lot harder than getting sober
unfortunately um although I will say that getting a little bit of time away from that
last drink is is helpful because on those days you know I've had a lot of stuff has
happened in the last in the last eight years you know I turned when I turned five years
sober my brother-in-law my sister's husband who I was very close to died of this disease
he was 45 and then um I left my job and had had my first baby which was wonderful and
joyous then my sponsor relapsed out of nowhere and then my dad died and it was just like
one thing after another of horrible um stuff happening and those were the times when it
was like when it was some of these things that I think of as like character defects
right like you think of my of pride and of um you know and of and of sloth and some and
things that were some of the only things that were keeping me sober because it was about
it was you know it was having pride that I had the time that I already had and it was
being too too lazy to consider having to be 30 60 90 days sober again because it was a
lot a lot of work and um you know so I it was hard to contend with that for a little
while with what how do I how do I manage these things that I would consider to be character
defects but sometimes it's the only thing that keeps him sober um but then I remember
that you know character defects are what get between our usefulness to of our usefulness
to God and to our fellows and as long as I'm sober I know that I'm more useful to God and
to my fellows so it's okay it's like whatever works some days um and I will say you know
my sponsor going out was a big one for me because I really had her up on a pedestal
she really was somebody who it was like the word of God and when she went out it just
came out she had just she had just gotten through um breast cancer everything she just
graduated she just gotten some degree she had like a thousand degrees and all of a sudden
she was on she called me and my my my daughter was like three months old and I was on the
way to Pasadena to go see my dad who was dying of this horrible dementia and and she called
me and she was on the way to rehab and I was just like what are you talking what are you
talking about and um I was full of a lot of anger because well because I put her up there
first of all you know I put her on the pedestal and then I felt like you know but look at
what's going on in my life right now how could you possibly decide to relax right now like
I clearly need you and um you know that was a tough one and I'll say she's really struggled
I mean that was that was the summer of 2023 and right now tonight she is back at Betty
Ford she can't stay sober and um and it's been hard because there have been a couple
of other instances where she was supposed to show up for me and she hasn't been able
to and it's like it it's it's hard not to take it personally but it's a really I mean
no I'm not grateful that she relapsed but the way that it's all happened I can see the lesson
in it now right I mean I can see the I see the light I look back on you know some of
these horrific things like well horrific is not getting into you eyes could be much more
horrific than it was for me because I didn't kill anybody I didn't hurt myself um but it
was at the time it was the worst thing that ever happened to me and now I see it as being
one of the best things because it allowed me to have an open mind that allowed me to
meet this person who became my husband who was able to show me a different way of life
and now because of that I am sober and it's hard to think of blooming any other way and
that's a miracle and with my sponsor going out you know it's I hate I hate that she's
going through this but you know it helped me to understand what a sponsor's real role
is someone's life and it's allowed me to sponsor women now in a much less self-critical way
because I'm just I'm just an alcoholic and so is she and so is she and um it's also been
a huge lesson as I sort of intimated like it's been a huge lesson in right-sizing myself
because it's just you know it's not it's just not all about me and that's how I you know
if I if I stop working my program for even one day that's what it becomes it becomes
all about me and it's all you know and I'm able to because of because of the foundation
that she helped me build I'm able to see that you know that her alcoholism has nothing to
do with me she's not trying to hurt me she wishes she could show up for me and right
now she can hopefully she will it's also an excellent reminder because one of the reasons
why I wanted her to sponsor me in the beginning was because the stories that she told about
how she was when she was out there I wouldn't have believed them because she was such a
woman of grace and dignity and alcoholics anonymous and to see someone and now just
to witness it firsthand is really hard it's like oh damn it's like you're you're a real
alcoholic you know you were not um she wasn't joking about any of it when she was talking
to me about her fantasy and um it's all you know so just trying I try to see that all
for the good and um I want to talk a little bit about my relationship with my higher power
because that's sort of been uh an ever-evolving situation because when I showed up here I
was very uh anti-religious I guess I was raised by a recovering Catholic mom who never let
that go but that's another story and and a dad you know a father who sort of worshipped
at the altar of science and um so I was raised to be extremely um you know hesitant wary
of organized religion and to basically believe that anybody who believed in God or or prayer
or any of that kind of stuff was just not as smart as as we were that being said though
I've already told you guys that like basically I realized I've always had a higher power
in my life it was just people it was people places and things I mean my parents were my
higher power for a long time and then you know drugs and alcohol took over but I've
also it's been you know it's been boyfriends it's been this and that it's it was my sponsor
for a time like it's it's been a journey of recognizing that I've always had something
or someone in my life that I relied on like that and um and it was deeply disturbing when
I discovered that that I had made drugs and alcohol my higher power for so long because
it felt very like you know I felt so so smart you know so much smarter than everybody else
and uh and the truth was like I'm just another you know I'm just another alcoholic who was
uh yeah worshipping at the altar of of the all these substances that I thought were making
me you know feel comfortable feel like who I'm supposed to be so um that was a uh that
was kind of a rude awakening but it opened the door for me to be able to recognize that
today I feel like the idea of having faith in a higher power and trusting and relying
on something besides myself that I don't really understand is like the most courageous thing
you can do and um I still you know can bristle at some of the at the Lord's Prayer don't
get me wrong but at the end of the day like what I'm really looking for here in Alcoholics
Anonymous today is a is a practical way of living that's what I really need and that's
what I go to when I do have those moments where I think about the only thing keeping
me here is just not being willing to start again and you know not wanting to give up
my time or have to put on my hand or all that prideful stuff is just like no I need a I
need a a way to to live that works under difficult circumstances and um so that's what I've kind
of been working on with you know cultivating that higher power is just like what can I
you know how can I give up control because I just want to be in control of everything
and everyone and at the same time I don't want to have to make any decisions so um I
don't know if anybody could relate to that so I'm working but it's it's it's been a relief
to not have to worry about that part of the program so much anymore and just kind of let
it be I still you know I work I it's hard each day to uh you know my prayer is pretty
stilted and my talking to God is a little like oh hey it's a little you know like that
person at the grocery store that you haven't seen in a while um but you know just remembering
that you know that there there is something out there and that it's not me and I don't
have to be the higher power be my husband's higher power or my kid's higher power or anything
like that is a is a huge relief um let's see what time do I stop 25 yeah so let's see today
I um you know I do have the opportunity to sponsor a couple of women and um that's an
amazing it's been an amazing experience made I think better by the fact that I went through
this whole experience with my sponsor because like I said I do feel a lot of uh it's a lot
more of a you know my my program feels a lot looser sort of that loose garment kind of
thing that it talks about and um I'm able to you know to really listen which the other
day my sponsor was like you're just so good at listening and I was just like that's amazing
because I feel like I spend my whole life just waiting to talk always like I just want
to just you stop talking so I can talk but the humility that's come from being sober
and I want to talk about that just uncomfortability again because I still you know go out into
the world and feel really uncomfortable at the time but the um you know that willingness
to not only be uncomfortable but to just accept what is is uh has been a huge part of my sobriety
like acceptance of you know what's happened and not having to like it but just being willing
to work with the circumstances that I have it's like that permeates the difference between
walking into a wall and walking through a door like if I'm just willing to accept what's
going on right now then I I have options whereas it used to just be me it was just my head
in a brick wall and um that's you know acceptance is pretty much the biggest part of my program
these days because I don't have a lot of no control over what happens I have a toddler
which is a living embodiment of having no control over anything um and uh but I have
this big beautiful life that I never thought I would have and the best part about it not
all the stuff and it's not you know it's it's that like I feel for the first time in my
life that my insides match my outsides and now I have a place where I can come and I
can talk about all the uncomfortability that I feel and I can relate to people who feel
the same way that I do I thought I couldn't understand for the longest time why there
was nobody else in the world that would spiral out about some weird comment they've made
to their volleyball coach you know when they were 12 years old um and then I found a whole
bunch of people who did the same way I do so um you know I just can't imagine my life
without my sobriety and that being said I feel very young in sobriety still but I just
don't know I just I'm grateful to have a sober home my sister so my sister just celebrated
nine years on Thursday my uh my brother-in-law my husband's brother is also sober we've got
this like we've got this big beautiful sober family and um and it's like all of a sudden
we've stopped kind of whatever generational not alcoholism maybe but drinking like now
my mom's the only one that'll maybe have like a glass of wine she's like the most normal
normal drinker it's so annoying but then she'll just sort of take it or leave it now and you
know my sister we're all those of us who are still here we're sober and we're setting a
different kind of example for our kids and it's just for somebody who could not imagine
living life regardless of how up or down or how I was feeling when I was drinking it was
just like I have alcohol is a part you know it was always there it had a it had a seat
at the table and it doesn't have one anymore and it's nice because it doesn't feel like
there's a it doesn't feel like there's somebody missing you know so um I think that's I think
that's all I have thank you so much for asking me to come out of here and take care