1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,000
 - Thank you Steve.

2
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,340
 - I'm Lynn and I'm an alcoholic.

3
00:00:02,340 --> 00:00:03,460
 - Hi Lynn. - Hi Lynn.

4
00:00:03,460 --> 00:00:05,320
 - I am really honored to be here.

5
00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:09,240
 I wanna thank Nancy for giving my number to Abraham,

6
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,680
 who reminded me about coming here.

7
00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:16,480
 It's always an honor to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous.

8
00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,520
 And I'll tell you a little bit of what it was like,

9
00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:20,240
 what happened and what it's like now.

10
00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:22,920
 And I didn't see who raised their hand of the new person,

11
00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:25,280
 but welcome home, whoever you are, welcome home.

12
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:26,620
 If you're anything like me,

13
00:00:26,620 --> 00:00:28,520
 this is exactly where you're supposed to be.

14
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:31,240
 I would not have thought that when I first got here.

15
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,520
 As a matter of fact, I did everything in my power

16
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:35,560
 to make sure that didn't happen.

17
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:37,600
 Yesterday was my actual AA birthday

18
00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:41,680
 and I started my morning today at 7.30 in an AA meeting.

19
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:45,040
 And it's only fitting that I end my evening tonight

20
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,640
 in a 7.30 meeting.

21
00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:49,760
 And I say that because I couldn't have planned that.

22
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:53,720
 Those are the kind of things that I have just accept

23
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,060
 in my life today.

24
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:58,760
 What it was like, it was awful.

25
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:02,560
 And I'm trying to be respectful of the meeting in that case.

26
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:04,780
 I am the middle of three girls.

27
00:01:04,780 --> 00:01:06,720
 I'm originally from Washington.

28
00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,900
 My parents were professional people.

29
00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:10,800
 By everything on the outside,

30
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,760
 you would think we had everything going for us.

31
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,480
 I went to all the right schools,

32
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:16,360
 participated in all the right events,

33
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:17,720
 on and on and on and on.

34
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:21,000
 I didn't know that once I started drinking,

35
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,000
 I could not stop.

36
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,100
 And my mother, when I was growing up,

37
00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:25,720
 was a nurse, a registered nurse.

38
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,440
 If anybody could have saved me, it would have been my mom.

39
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:29,940
 Not only because I was her daughter,

40
00:01:29,940 --> 00:01:32,160
 but my mother cared about what you thought

41
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,960
 about her being a mother.

42
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,400
 And the idea that her daughter is out

43
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,400
 doing the stuff I was doing was just too much for my mom.

44
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,560
 Now that she didn't love me,

45
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,720
 but she would have done everything to make sure that people,

46
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:45,620
 you know, she looked at my behavior

47
00:01:45,620 --> 00:01:47,880
 as a criticism of her parenting.

48
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,680
 She didn't realize my drinking was my drinking.

49
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,060
 It had nothing to do with her.

50
00:01:52,060 --> 00:01:55,160
 But I look back now and I know that's how she saw it.

51
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,600
 And I can only say that because today,

52
00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:01,120
 when my kids were growing up, our youngest is 40.

53
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,480
 I kind of thought the same thing.

54
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,960
 You know, I kind of identified my parenting

55
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,900
 on how my children were behaving and what they were doing.

56
00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:10,920
 So I understood what my mom was saying

57
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,640
 or how she was feeling.

58
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:15,260
 But I didn't know that once I drank, I couldn't stop.

59
00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:18,320
 And I have two sisters, you know, one older, one younger.

60
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,600
 All of us got the same message, all of us.

61
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:23,420
 But for some reason, I heard something different.

62
00:02:23,420 --> 00:02:24,960
 I was raised in a church.

63
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,640
 You can't get closer to God than Southern Black Baptist.

64
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:31,940
 I knew the Lord's prayer before I knew my ABCs.

65
00:02:31,940 --> 00:02:34,240
 You know, I could recite every book of the Bible,

66
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,200
 Old and New Testament, in front of hundreds of people.

67
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,040
 When I was a little girl,

68
00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:42,240
 all of those things were just a part of my growing up.

69
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,480
 None of that stopped me from drinking, none of it.

70
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,180
 And I don't knock religion.

71
00:02:46,180 --> 00:02:48,540
 I'm just saying I had to find my religion

72
00:02:48,540 --> 00:02:51,960
 with a bunch of low bottom drugs in 9604.

73
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,460
 That's where I had to find religion.

74
00:02:53,460 --> 00:02:57,040
 But for me, you know, originally I'm from Washington.

75
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,580
 And again, you know, I drank initially

76
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:03,020
 just to kind of hang out, be cool, and just be a part of.

77
00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:06,060
 Never did I ever think I'd be here with you, never.

78
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:07,680
 This was not part of my agenda.

79
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,680
 I was just trying to, you know, have fun

80
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,840
 and hang out with all the cool people.

81
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,480
 When I was in high school, the school that I went to,

82
00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,360
 you, it didn't matter how many credits you have.

83
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,440
 'Cause I also have a mother who was like, no joke.

84
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,320
 And again, she told me the same message.

85
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:22,760
 She told my other two sisters,

86
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,840
 you're not gonna sit around my house and do nothing.

87
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,920
 You're gonna go to school or you're gonna get a job

88
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:28,280
 once you get out of high school,

89
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,160
 but you're not just sitting around here doing anything.

90
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:32,560
 And I had a Dean of Women.

91
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,740
 I'll never forget her, Dr. Consuelo Shaw.

92
00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:36,800
 She was this big, robust black woman.

93
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,240
 She must've been six, four, six, five.

94
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:40,920
 She was solid too.

95
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,120
 And she called me into her office

96
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:44,800
 because I always got kicked out of school

97
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:48,160
 for instigating stuff, meaning they knew I did it,

98
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:49,960
 but they couldn't prove I did it.

99
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,680
 So, you know, I was all, and I used to pride myself on that.

100
00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,600
 I used to think I could talk myself into stuff

101
00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:55,880
 and talk myself out of it.

102
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:57,640
 You know, that was like my superpower.

103
00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,600
 Little did I know how that also took me to,

104
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,100
 almost took me to the gates of insanity.

105
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:07,200
 But Dr. Shaw, when I was a senior, she told me, she said,

106
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,320
 Ms. Winston, you don't have enough hours to graduate.

107
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,380
 Now, telling my mother I wasn't gonna graduate

108
00:04:11,380 --> 00:04:13,960
 from high school, I couldn't imagine anything worse.

109
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:15,720
 And then the very next breath, she said,

110
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,300
 but we're gonna give you your diploma

111
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:18,680
 so you don't come back.

112
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:21,280
 Now, when you've got a personality like mine,

113
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:23,240
 coupled with alcohol on top of it,

114
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,120
 that's a dangerous combination.

115
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:28,200
 And again, I always wanted to do the easier, softer way.

116
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,200
 I was not gonna work,

117
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,140
 even though my mother said that you had to work.

118
00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:33,040
 I was gonna find the easier, softer way.

119
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,520
 And my idea of that was going to school,

120
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:39,240
 going to school 3,000 miles away from my family,

121
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,080
 because I figured if I just get away

122
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,740
 from people, places, and things,

123
00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:45,160
 I had that thinking long before I got to you.

124
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:46,800
 People, places, and things.

125
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,080
 And I thought if I went away to school,

126
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,200
 you know, get away from my mom and her nagging,

127
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,200
 my sisters with their perfect braids,

128
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,920
 and you know, I could kind of do my own thing.

129
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,600
 I was smart enough to know

130
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,600
 I wasn't able to survive on my own.

131
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,720
 I needed my parents' income to help me,

132
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,640
 but I knew I couldn't take care of myself.

133
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,900
 So I actually got accepted into a school.

134
00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:10,080
 The school that I got accepted into is a very good school.

135
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:11,860
 I just didn't go.

136
00:05:11,860 --> 00:05:14,560
 But in my thought, my mother never wanted me to go.

137
00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:17,040
 Never, ever, ever wanted me to go that far.

138
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,520
 She didn't mind me going to a school local,

139
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,080
 but she took, said, "Nope, nope, she's not mature enough.

140
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,420
 "She's, mm-mm, don't let her do it.

141
00:05:24,420 --> 00:05:25,860
 "It'll be a waste of money."

142
00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:27,540
 And my father thought, "It'll be great.

143
00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:28,780
 "She'll learn to grow up.

144
00:05:28,780 --> 00:05:30,840
 "She'll mature, blah, blah, blah."

145
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:32,280
 He talked her into it.

146
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:35,080
 So I went 3,000 miles away to school.

147
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,840
 And I say that because my parents paid my tuition

148
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:38,680
 to go to school.

149
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:39,500
 I didn't have a grant.

150
00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:40,340
 I didn't have a loan.

151
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,000
 You know, they worked hard to support us.

152
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,680
 And I screwed all that up.

153
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:46,560
 I know today the only person I cheated

154
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,180
 out of in education was myself.

155
00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:49,640
 But my first year there,

156
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,920
 I did exactly like I had done in high school.

157
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:53,640
 I did just enough to get by.

158
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:57,080
 I didn't know there were prerequisites in this school,

159
00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,160
 and they wanted you to go to class.

160
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,580
 It wasn't enough that I was just there.

161
00:06:01,580 --> 00:06:04,880
 You know, 'cause again, my arrogance and my hubris was,

162
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,360
 "You should just be happy I'm here,

163
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:07,800
 "and I'm paying you cash.

164
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,560
 "Leave me alone, let me do my own thing."

165
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:11,700
 'Cause I had always thought like that.

166
00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:12,760
 They didn't agree.

167
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:17,400
 So they sent my smart butt home after a year

168
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:18,840
 on academic suspension.

169
00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:21,120
 I had to go back, face my mother.

170
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,600
 I couldn't imagine anything worse facing my mother

171
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,640
 'cause she didn't want me to go on the first bus.

172
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:27,560
 And now to hear her say, "I told you so,"

173
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,200
 was just like, "Oh my gosh."

174
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,760
 By then, my mother had switched occupations.

175
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:33,840
 She had gone back to school.

176
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,040
 She finished her master's,

177
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:38,120
 and she was now in a completely different occupation.

178
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:41,100
 And she was now working for a major defense contractor.

179
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:44,920
 And during this time, she was able to hire a lot of people

180
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,680
 or make connections for people.

181
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:50,440
 But because I got sent home,

182
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,140
 she had to do something with me.

183
00:06:52,140 --> 00:06:55,600
 So my mom got me a lot of different jobs.

184
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,080
 Now, people hired me not because I could do anything.

185
00:06:58,080 --> 00:06:58,900
 I couldn't do anything.

186
00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:00,740
 They hired me because of my mother.

187
00:07:00,740 --> 00:07:03,360
 They hired me because of their relationship with her.

188
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,020
 I realized after I got sober

189
00:07:06,020 --> 00:07:08,100
 how I destroyed all those things.

190
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:10,360
 And when I was doing all of this,

191
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:12,800
 it was at a time where you could smoke at your desk,

192
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,860
 you could go at lunch and drink.

193
00:07:14,860 --> 00:07:16,360
 I'm gonna age myself here.

194
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:17,600
 I mean, it was very common.

195
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:18,960
 It was no big deal.

196
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,320
 My problem was when I went at lunch

197
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:23,760
 with my friends to go drink, I'd stay.

198
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,700
 They'd all go back to work.

199
00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:26,920
 Like, "This isn't working.

200
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:28,580
 "She can't come back here."

201
00:07:28,580 --> 00:07:31,380
 Each time, it was one more notch against my mom.

202
00:07:31,380 --> 00:07:33,260
 And each time, I kept telling her,

203
00:07:33,260 --> 00:07:35,200
 "I'm so sorry I'm not gonna do that again."

204
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,440
 Every time I said that, I meant it.

205
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,960
 Again, I didn't realize that what I was doing,

206
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,040
 I couldn't control.

207
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:43,180
 I really thought, "I'm gonna do better.

208
00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:44,760
 "I'm not gonna do that anymore."

209
00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:45,600
 I knew better.

210
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:48,460
 I was raised in a home that taught me those things.

211
00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:49,600
 I just couldn't stop.

212
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:52,080
 Anyway, after a year of being out of school,

213
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,700
 you could write the dean of my school.

214
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:55,840
 And if she accepted, you could come back.

215
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,800
 My father helped me write the letter.

216
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,520
 He had to talk my mother again into letting me go.

217
00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,200
 She didn't want to, but she agreed.

218
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,360
 And this time, I did stay.

219
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:04,860
 I did stay the next four years.

220
00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,640
 And this time, I did finish.

221
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:09,040
 The difference is I took classes and professors

222
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:10,320
 who liked to do what I liked to do.

223
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,100
 And again, I'm not proud of that.

224
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:14,640
 I know I cheated myself out of an education.

225
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,300
 I know my parents worked hard to send me to school.

226
00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:20,080
 And in spite of that, I'm trying to be hip-slick and cool.

227
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,360
 But while I got there, there was a guy

228
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,620
 who was being drafted that year by the NFL.

229
00:08:24,620 --> 00:08:26,960
 My father saw Super Bowl tickets in his future.

230
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:27,960
 I messed that up.

231
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:33,320
 This guy, not only was he being drafted by the NFL,

232
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:34,400
 he also sold drugs.

233
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,640
 And I'm respectful of the traditions and the program,

234
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,040
 but it is my story.

235
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:39,200
 And he sold a lot of drugs.

236
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,020
 He didn't do 'em.

237
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,020
 He didn't do drugs at all.

238
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:41,940
 He didn't smoke.

239
00:08:41,940 --> 00:08:42,780
 He didn't drink.

240
00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:45,680
 He was a vegan or vegetarian before it was even popular.

241
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,200
 I mean, his body was his temple.

242
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:49,000
 That's how he was gonna make his livelihood.

243
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,440
 But he knew this was a quick way to make some money.

244
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:54,960
 I also knew that he could be a very violent person.

245
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,400
 And he told me,

246
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,160
 'cause I started dabbling, dabbling in other things.

247
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,600
 And he said, "Lynn," 'cause we would watch all of you

248
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,440
 come and bring the baby's milk money,

249
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:06,760
 the house payment, the whatever you owe,

250
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:07,840
 you'd bring it to him.

251
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:10,400
 And he said, "Lynn, don't you ever end up like these people."

252
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,600
 I said, "Never, never end up like these people."

253
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:14,420
 Uh-uh.

254
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:16,520
 I mean, again, that arrogance and that uterus.

255
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:17,920
 And when I said it, I meant it.

256
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:21,080
 I didn't realize again that once I started anything,

257
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,180
 I could not stop.

258
00:09:22,180 --> 00:09:26,580
 And my shifting of behaviors got me in trouble.

259
00:09:26,580 --> 00:09:28,120
 And I did what I've always done.

260
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,360
 I ran home.

261
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,960
 I finished school, ran home, stealing from him,

262
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:33,880
 afraid of him.

263
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,680
 And my mom knew something was up,

264
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,000
 but she didn't know what it was.

265
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,160
 But anyway, she said, "Okay, it's time for you now

266
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,980
 to go really find a job, 'cause you have a degree

267
00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:42,520
 that says you know how to do something."

268
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,440
 I still couldn't do anything for the dentist.

269
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,040
 I had a piece of paper that said I could.

270
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:47,760
 But this time I found someone

271
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:51,240
 who I thought was gonna be my everything.

272
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:52,320
 He was a merchant seaman.

273
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,700
 He was home six months and he was gone six months.

274
00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:55,540
 I loved it.

275
00:09:55,540 --> 00:09:57,280
 I could live like a Viking six months.

276
00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,360
 In the other six months, I could play house.

277
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:02,640
 The problem was, again, when he was gone,

278
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,340
 my behavior kept going and I kept drinking.

279
00:10:05,340 --> 00:10:09,000
 And one day he came back and there was no lights,

280
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,040
 there was no gas, there was nothing.

281
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,200
 And we're living in my godparents' house.

282
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,960
 And he would ask me, "Lynn, what are you doing

283
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,760
 with the money I'm sending you to take care of the lights,

284
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:18,680
 the gas, the heat?"

285
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,520
 And I would, again, justify it.

286
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:23,240
 Aunt Betty and Uncle Homer, these are my godparents.

287
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,160
 They don't need the money.

288
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,800
 Aunt Betty has enough fur coats.

289
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,040
 Uncle Homer's got his back.

290
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,840
 I mean, the thinking was just off the hook,

291
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:35,720
 the way I just dismissed being responsible.

292
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,000
 And he said, "Lynn, I just can't live like this anymore."

293
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,760
 He had a brother that lived here in LA

294
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:45,140
 and the brother and his wife were having their first child.

295
00:10:45,140 --> 00:10:48,000
 And he said, "Lynn, I just can't be a part of this.

296
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,120
 I don't wanna be responsible for you.

297
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:51,880
 When you drink, you change.

298
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,360
 And I don't know what to do with that.

299
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,440
 I just can't be responsible for that.

300
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:59,080
 I'm gonna go see my brother and their new child."

301
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:00,200
 And his mother was coming.

302
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,560
 And I begged him, begged him to please take me with you.

303
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,360
 Again, it's people, places, and things.

304
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,800
 It's never me, it's this.

305
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,640
 And for some reason, I guess he just felt sorry for me,

306
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,280
 but he agreed and we ended up,

307
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:16,400
 and since he could ship out anywhere in the world,

308
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:19,320
 I convinced him to let's go to Northern California,

309
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:20,620
 not Southern California,

310
00:11:20,620 --> 00:11:23,140
 because nobody's sober in Southern California.

311
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:25,300
 We have to go to Northern California

312
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:29,880
 because there, you know, I stand a chance.

313
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:30,980
 And I meant all of that.

314
00:11:30,980 --> 00:11:31,820
 I mean, I hadn't researched it.

315
00:11:31,820 --> 00:11:33,120
 I didn't know what I was talking about.

316
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,140
 I just wanted to get out of there

317
00:11:35,140 --> 00:11:38,240
 and didn't think I could make it in Southern California.

318
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:39,080
 So we did.

319
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,640
 We ended up in the Bay Area.

320
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,560
 And again, wherever I go, there I am.

321
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:46,840
 And within a matter of days, the old land showed up

322
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,120
 and I drank through all the money he had saved.

323
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:50,880
 We ended up getting kicked out of the place

324
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:51,840
 we were staying in.

325
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:53,580
 We ended up in this fleabag hotel

326
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:54,960
 in the Tenderloin district.

327
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,420
 If you don't know where that is,

328
00:11:56,420 --> 00:11:59,100
 not a scenic spot, the Bay Area,

329
00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:00,720
 but it's their version of Skid Row.

330
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,260
 And this guy ended up keeping our clothes

331
00:12:03,260 --> 00:12:05,160
 because we couldn't pay for the room

332
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:08,200
 by the hour, by the day or by the week, just nothing.

333
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,280
 'Cause I had gone through everything.

334
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:13,340
 And this guy, again, he said, I just can't do it.

335
00:12:13,340 --> 00:12:14,400
 I'm calling your mother.

336
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,880
 I'm gonna ask her to please give, you know,

337
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:18,440
 send me a ticket to send you home.

338
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,120
 I don't wanna be responsible for you.

339
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:21,840
 And I certainly don't wanna call your mother

340
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:22,960
 and tell her you're dead.

341
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,160
 I'm just not gonna do it.

342
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,640
 So he had, you know, him and my mom cooked up this thing

343
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,680
 where, you know, he was gonna ship me home to her.

344
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,500
 And again, I just pleaded with him.

345
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:34,660
 I said, please don't send me back there.

346
00:12:34,660 --> 00:12:37,200
 I knew going back was not gonna be good for me.

347
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,040
 I knew it.

348
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:39,080
 I didn't know what it was gonna be,

349
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:41,440
 but I knew it wasn't gonna be good for me going back there.

350
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,520
 And again, I hope he's at Al-Anon,

351
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,080
 but he felt sorry for me.

352
00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:47,600
 He allowed me to come to Los Angeles.

353
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,720
 And I said, allow me to come to Los Angeles

354
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,680
 because the deal was, I'll get you to LA,

355
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:53,760
 then you get home.

356
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:54,840
 You're not staying with me.

357
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:55,680
 That's the deal.

358
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:56,640
 You're gonna get home.

359
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:59,240
 And again, wherever I go, there I am.

360
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:00,960
 And I started drinking again.

361
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:05,540
 And one more time, we ended up in one of those places.

362
00:13:05,540 --> 00:13:07,880
 This time we ended up down on Fifth and San Pedro,

363
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:08,880
 down on Skid Row.

364
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,480
 And he was so disgusted with me.

365
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,600
 He said, I don't know how to help you.

366
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,320
 I don't know what to do for you, but I'm leaving.

367
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,360
 What you do and how you get home is up to you.

368
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,140
 I can't do this anymore.

369
00:13:19,140 --> 00:13:21,440
 But there is a place, Lynn, where a friend of mine

370
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,440
 who drinks like you, he went and they helped him.

371
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:25,800
 Maybe they'll help you.

372
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,080
 And I mean, he said, it was so pathetic.

373
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:31,320
 And again, I'm thinking, I don't want him to leave.

374
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:34,700
 So I'm willing again to do whatever I needed to do.

375
00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:37,520
 And I said, okay, where's this place?

376
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,280
 And he said, I don't know.

377
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,640
 I've never been there, but you can call this place

378
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,480
 and maybe they'll tell you where to go.

379
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:47,520
 I bummed a dollar from a guy selling rocks on the corner

380
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:48,780
 down on Fifth and San Pedro.

381
00:13:48,780 --> 00:13:50,840
 This is when a dollar was a dollar.

382
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:54,960
 And I actually got changed for the dollar and put it in,

383
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,680
 back then they had phone booths.

384
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,960
 For those of you who don't know what a phone booth is,

385
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:02,460
 it's a great big glass thing that Superman would come in.

386
00:14:02,460 --> 00:14:04,080
 You put money in it.

387
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,160
 I have a granddaughter, she said, what's a phone booth?

388
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:07,000
 I'm like, what?

389
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,040
 Oh my God.

390
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,000
 She said, nevermind, I'll Google the image.

391
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,180
 A phone booth is this great big thing that you put money in

392
00:14:13,180 --> 00:14:15,600
 and it was either a rotary or a push button.

393
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,840
 And the guy, again, who told me where to go said,

394
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:19,920
 call this place.

395
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,040
 It was central office, never heard of it in my life.

396
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,160
 Didn't know what it was, had no idea,

397
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,840
 just didn't want him to leave me.

398
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,400
 Especially down on Fifth and San Pedro, don't leave me.

399
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:32,300
 I ended up calling that place in that phone booth.

400
00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:35,200
 I ended up calling what I now know as central office.

401
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,900
 They said, if you leave now, you can go to a place

402
00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:39,760
 where the meeting is probably still going on.

403
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,840
 You might be able to catch the end of the meeting.

404
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:45,180
 And I had changed from the dollar to get on the right bus

405
00:14:45,180 --> 00:14:49,480
 to go in the right direction, get off at the right stop.

406
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,240
 I walked into the back of this place,

407
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,060
 'cause I told the bus driver where I was trying to go.

408
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,400
 So he was guiding me.

409
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,960
 Okay, just go around there.

410
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,840
 Went into the back, I got there and there was these,

411
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,480
 I know today they were old timers.

412
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,160
 And they were doing this thing called the Lord's Prayer.

413
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:04,240
 And they were in a circle.

414
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,320
 And when I walked in there, I just stood there

415
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,720
 and I just cried, because I couldn't remember

416
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:09,560
 the Lord's Prayer.

417
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,160
 I knew the words, but I couldn't remember it.

418
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,680
 And those old timers, as only old timers can say,

419
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:14,760
 they didn't stop the prayer.

420
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:17,200
 But afterwards they said, are you having problems

421
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,040
 with your drinking?

422
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,680
 Oh, you're drinking and having problems.

423
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,800
 And I honestly didn't know, you know,

424
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,120
 because where I drank and the people I hung out with,

425
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,800
 no one called me an alcoholic.

426
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,960
 They called me an alcoholic, you know, a wino,

427
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,800
 a drunk, a bitch, all kinds of other things.

428
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:33,200
 But an alcoholic was like a step up.

429
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,220
 I didn't know if I was an alcoholic.

430
00:15:35,220 --> 00:15:36,580
 It seemed too clean.

431
00:15:36,580 --> 00:15:37,420
 I don't know.

432
00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:38,800
 And they were like, are you having problems

433
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,240
 with your drinking?

434
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:41,100
 And I said, yes.

435
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:43,240
 I was 24 years old, 24 years old.

436
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,800
 And back then people gave you your sponsor.

437
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:46,620
 Wasn't no picking.

438
00:15:46,620 --> 00:15:48,200
 And you certainly couldn't fire them.

439
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,040
 They weren't having that.

440
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:50,720
 I didn't even know what that was.

441
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:54,240
 But this old timer named Herb K came to me and said,

442
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,520
 this is going to be your sponsor.

443
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,200
 And this woman who he gave me,

444
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,040
 and I consider her an angel.

445
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,400
 Her name was Virginia T.

446
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,600
 And she looked right in my eyes.

447
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:02,760
 She said, welcome home.

448
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:03,880
 We've been waiting for you.

449
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,480
 And I just stood there and I just cried.

450
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,380
 No one had welcomed me anywhere in a long time.

451
00:16:08,380 --> 00:16:09,500
 I had no clothes.

452
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:10,680
 I had no ID.

453
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,740
 I smelled like where I was living.

454
00:16:12,740 --> 00:16:15,220
 You know, those people, instead of running away from me,

455
00:16:15,220 --> 00:16:16,200
 they ran to me.

456
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:17,840
 I was part of the herd.

457
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,000
 They just loved me in spite of myself.

458
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,600
 And I didn't know what to do.

459
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,520
 And they kept saying, you know,

460
00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,440
 you just need to show up for meetings.

461
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:26,500
 Where are you staying?

462
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:27,720
 I don't have a place to stay.

463
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,520
 'Cause the guy left me, you know, downtown.

464
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,880
 And they would get me back and forth to meetings

465
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,600
 and Skid Row, back and forth.

466
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,660
 And people in the fellowship would let me come home.

467
00:16:38,660 --> 00:16:42,280
 This one guy named Cleo, let me come to his house.

468
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:43,120
 He didn't know me.

469
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:46,120
 And his kids got up like a choir out of their bed.

470
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,640
 And they allowed me to take a shower and change.

471
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,200
 And 9604 is where I ended up.

472
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:52,040
 And at that time,

473
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:54,600
 9604 used to have rummage sales every week.

474
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:57,200
 And I got clothes out of the back of 9604.

475
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,720
 That's where my wardrobe came from.

476
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,200
 You know, and those people said,

477
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,960
 you just get your butt to a meeting.

478
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,560
 I didn't know what a meeting was.

479
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,760
 I didn't care what a meeting was.

480
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,720
 I just didn't want to feel what I was feeling.

481
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,160
 And I couldn't, I just couldn't stop.

482
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,280
 I had no, I had no more fight in me, none.

483
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,620
 And the woman who became my sponsor,

484
00:17:15,620 --> 00:17:17,880
 she immediately said, you gotta get into the book.

485
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,760
 Now again, my upbringing in the church,

486
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:20,760
 I'm thinking about the Bible.

487
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:23,400
 She said, oh honey, no, not the Bible.

488
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:24,720
 We're not talking about the big book.

489
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,120
 I didn't know what the big book was.

490
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,640
 And I was too ashamed and too embarrassed to tell her

491
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:29,900
 I couldn't read the big book.

492
00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:31,140
 It's not that I'm unintelligent.

493
00:17:31,140 --> 00:17:35,240
 My drinking had just completely consumed my ability

494
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,180
 to comprehend anything.

495
00:17:37,180 --> 00:17:39,480
 So I'd read the same line over and over and over again.

496
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:40,520
 I didn't know what it was.

497
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:41,360
 And she said, honey,

498
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,480
 that's why we have step study and book study meetings.

499
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:44,320
 That's where you're gonna learn

500
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,000
 how to get into the big book.

501
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,920
 She said, you can't screw your way into sobriety.

502
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,120
 You gotta take the steps.

503
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,200
 And I have people around me today

504
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,520
 who still love me enough to tell me the truth.

505
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:54,720
 They didn't sugar coat anything.

506
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,200
 And I remember when it was New Year's Eve,

507
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,360
 that following, 'cause I came in in February,

508
00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:01,320
 that following year, that December,

509
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,560
 that end of the year, New Year's Eve,

510
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,720
 I was in the kitchen at 9604, crying.

511
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,320
 And Virginia said, what's wrong with you?

512
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,280
 And I said, oh, I'm so lonely.

513
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,320
 'Cause it's a dance at 9604.

514
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,280
 She said, no, you're not, you're not lonely.

515
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,600
 You're horny, you don't even know the difference.

516
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:19,560
 You don't know how to identify your feelings at all.

517
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,880
 She said, but you cannot come here

518
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:23,840
 and think somebody is gonna fix you.

519
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,280
 That's not how this works.

520
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:27,440
 And I had another girlfriend, her name was Denise.

521
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,280
 She was an old timer.

522
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,120
 She had six months when I met her.

523
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,360
 She was just as wacky as I was.

524
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:34,600
 And Virginia took both of us,

525
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:35,720
 she hates when I tell the story,

526
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,320
 but she took us to Frederick's of Hollywood

527
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:38,640
 and got us a dildo and said,

528
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,080
 this is the only thing you need.

529
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,600
 Do not plug into any of these people here.

530
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:46,400
 Stay chunky bird, and you need to get into the steps, period.

531
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,920
 And looking back now, I know what she was doing.

532
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,840
 She was trying to keep me focused.

533
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,320
 She said, if you try to get caught up in someone else,

534
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,160
 you're gonna get in trouble.

535
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,880
 And then I got, I don't know, maybe about,

536
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,400
 I might've had six or seven months

537
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,120
 and I'm pointing out different people in the program.

538
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:00,960
 And I said, what about that guy?

539
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,440
 She said, nope, how about him?

540
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,000
 Hell no, how about him?

541
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,120
 No, he's crazy.

542
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:05,960
 How about him?

543
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:06,800
 Uh-uh, what about that one?

544
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,000
 She said, well, he's okay.

545
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,640
 Six months later, we got married.

546
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:11,720
 We're still married.

547
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,760
 So with him came this precocious little girl charm.

548
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,320
 Ugh, she was four.

549
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:18,200
 And I didn't like her.

550
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,760
 She talked all the time.

551
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,200
 She was always with him.

552
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,680
 And I said, I don't like her.

553
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,840
 She said, oh, honey, she don't like you either.

554
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,080
 I'm like, what, she doesn't like me.

555
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,200
 She said, no, no, no, that's not how it works.

556
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:30,800
 If you're gonna be with a man with a child,

557
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:31,920
 the child comes too.

558
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,520
 And it's not that I don't love children, I love kids.

559
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:36,200
 But because of my drinking and using,

560
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:37,600
 I can't physically have them.

561
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,560
 So to open up myself to someone else's child,

562
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,600
 I just couldn't see myself doing it.

563
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:44,760
 I did not wanna make myself vulnerable like that.

564
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,160
 And I certainly didn't wanna tell you that.

565
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,920
 You know, I just couldn't do it.

566
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,960
 She said, the child comes with him.

567
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,680
 If you're gonna be with him, she comes too.

568
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,560
 And that little girl, and that's how I referred to her,

569
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,880
 that little girl stayed like that for a while.

570
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,000
 And my sponsor, again, had me doing a lot of writing

571
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:02,920
 and a lot of reading.

572
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:06,640
 And there was a lot of stuff that she was going through

573
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:07,680
 with her birth mother.

574
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,800
 And I couldn't understand why all this stuff was happening.

575
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,640
 And my grandmother, she explained it to me in a way

576
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,440
 that made sense to me, maybe not to anyone else.

577
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,560
 But she said, baby, you did not give birth to that child.

578
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,480
 What you're going through are your labor pains.

579
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,680
 This is how the two of you are gonna connect.

580
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:27,360
 And nothing and no one will be able to break that bond.

581
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,680
 That little girl was 44 years old.

582
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,600
 That little girl is my daughter.

583
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,240
 I absolutely adore her.

584
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,520
 I was talking to her daughter when I was driving in,

585
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,520
 asking me about, what's a phone booth?

586
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:41,160
 That's her daughter, who's at Cal State San Marcos.

587
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,160
 I'm really proud of her and them.

588
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,160
 And also, we also had,

589
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:47,800
 because we wanted to expand our family,

590
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,400
 we adopted another child.

591
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,120
 And the child that we adopted was five years old.

592
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:52,940
 We didn't want a baby

593
00:20:52,940 --> 00:20:54,760
 'cause we wanted them pretty close in age.

594
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,400
 And he came from the Department of Children's Services.

595
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,240
 And do you know they still have orphanages?

596
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:00,720
 Beautiful, beautiful.

597
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,120
 He was in an orphanage in Pasadena.

598
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,960
 Absolutely gorgeous, horses, hills, oh my gosh.

599
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,640
 But when we went to go get him,

600
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:09,800
 they had all of his little things in a garbage bag.

601
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:10,960
 And my husband said, "What is that?"

602
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,400
 And they said, "Those are his things."

603
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,080
 He said, "I'm not taking him out of here like that.

604
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:15,880
 "I'm not in a garbage bag."

605
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:16,960
 And there was this store,

606
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,760
 half of you won't remember what it was called,

607
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:22,800
 but it was called Sears, Sears in Pasadena.

608
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,960
 And my husband went and got a little piece of luggage.

609
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,020
 We still have that luggage in our garage today.

610
00:21:27,020 --> 00:21:30,600
 And put my son's items in that luggage.

611
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:31,540
 He said, "He's not garbage.

612
00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:33,880
 "I'm not putting his things in that garbage bag."

613
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,920
 That same son is now 40 years old.

614
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,080
 I believe he has what I have.

615
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:41,740
 My son struggles with the disease of alcoholism

616
00:21:41,740 --> 00:21:42,680
 and other things.

617
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,860
 And as a result, he has been in and out of prison,

618
00:21:45,860 --> 00:21:48,080
 literally since he was 19 years old.

619
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:51,020
 It breaks my heart that all the people I work with,

620
00:21:51,020 --> 00:21:52,120
 all the time I've been here,

621
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:54,020
 everything that I've done, and my husband,

622
00:21:54,020 --> 00:21:55,480
 it doesn't work like that.

623
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:58,440
 One thing I know, this is a program for people that want it,

624
00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,920
 not those that need it.

625
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,560
 If anybody could do anything, it would certainly save my son.

626
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,980
 And right now, I have no idea where he is.

627
00:22:05,980 --> 00:22:08,920
 He was released from prison a few months ago,

628
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:10,880
 and he was kind of all over the place,

629
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:12,800
 and in and out of trouble again.

630
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,920
 And I'm at a place now where I almost wish

631
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,780
 he'd get picked back up and put in jail.

632
00:22:16,780 --> 00:22:19,040
 Because at least that way, I would know where he's at.

633
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,640
 I know he's sick, because my son scares,

634
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,540
 not scares me physically, but my son is 6'2".

635
00:22:24,540 --> 00:22:27,360
 He's 180 pounds, he's ball-headed and tatted up.

636
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:30,360
 I know that if someone sees him, he could scare them.

637
00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:32,920
 And before you know it, he will be a statistic.

638
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,040
 He will be shot dead.

639
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:36,960
 I know he won't do anything, but no one else knows that.

640
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,960
 And if he's locked up, I know he's safe.

641
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,120
 And again, I don't wish that on anyone,

642
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:42,280
 but I wish that on him,

643
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,560
 only because I just want him to be safe.

644
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:46,500
 And I know people in the fellowship,

645
00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:48,720
 I mean, people in prison, have gotten sober.

646
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,960
 I know it, 'cause they come to meetings and they tell me.

647
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,120
 And I'm hoping that something is read or said

648
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:54,320
 that'll get his attention.

649
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,880
 It was five years ago last week

650
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:58,920
 when we lost our oldest grandson.

651
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:02,080
 He just didn't wake up, and no one could have prepared me

652
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:04,960
 for having to bury our eldest grandson.

653
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,860
 And our oldest son, 'cause my husband has three kids

654
00:23:07,860 --> 00:23:09,760
 before we adopted my son.

655
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:12,360
 Our oldest son just really just kind of,

656
00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:14,000
 it was his only child, you know,

657
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:18,960
 and it's just left, it's just a gaping hole in him.

658
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,580
 But, you know, we're there to support him

659
00:23:20,580 --> 00:23:23,560
 and do whatever we can, but you can't be prepared for that.

660
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:26,120
 But I will say that I've had more springs

661
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,200
 and more summers than I've had winters.

662
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:29,320
 I really have, you know.

663
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,140
 That grandmother who said, "Those are your labor pains,"

664
00:23:32,140 --> 00:23:35,020
 I was able to be of service when she transitioned.

665
00:23:35,020 --> 00:23:36,920
 My family allowed me to be there.

666
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,040
 When my mother died, I was able to be there

667
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:40,320
 and be of service.

668
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:44,080
 When my dad died, he left me the executor, me, the executor,

669
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:46,020
 and said, "Your mother's not gonna be worth a damn.

670
00:23:46,020 --> 00:23:47,280
 "You're gonna have to help her."

671
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:48,920
 And I feel honored for that.

672
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:51,400
 None of that would have happened without you, none of it.

673
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:52,680
 I don't take credit for anything.

674
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:55,640
 All I've done is suit it up and I've shown up, that's it.

675
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:59,100
 You know, and I've done, even when I didn't want to,

676
00:23:59,100 --> 00:24:00,480
 a lot of things here.

677
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,840
 You know, I've stayed busy.

678
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:04,400
 I still go to a lot of meetings.

679
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:05,860
 I still work with women.

680
00:24:05,860 --> 00:24:07,600
 I still try to be of service.

681
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,280
 One of the things that I was doing pre-pandemic

682
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,860
 that I wanna get back into now, especially with my son,

683
00:24:12,860 --> 00:24:15,800
 is H&I, you know, because I want to start working

684
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,640
 in that particular facility.

685
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:19,960
 By the way, I work with people just like me.

686
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:22,540
 I work with people down on Skid Row.

687
00:24:22,540 --> 00:24:25,620
 I don't, but we have therapists and psychiatrists,

688
00:24:25,620 --> 00:24:28,320
 the agency that I work for, do that.

689
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:32,080
 And it's a constant reminder of just how grateful I am

690
00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:34,340
 because I know it could all be gone like that.

691
00:24:34,340 --> 00:24:35,280
 It could be gone like that.

692
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:37,520
 I don't take this thing for granted at all.

693
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:39,240
 You know, I don't play with my sobriety.

694
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:41,300
 I don't play with anything like that

695
00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:43,240
 because I know I'm living on borrowed time.

696
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:44,560
 There's not a doubt in my mind.

697
00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:46,520
 You know, I have been more than blessed.

698
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:49,240
 And that woman who was my sponsor,

699
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,520
 she moved to Florida, thank you.

700
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:53,960
 And there was a time right after the pandemic,

701
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:57,200
 a lot of those old timers who were in that semicircle

702
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,540
 saying the Lord's Prayer were all transitioning.

703
00:24:59,540 --> 00:25:00,380
 They were all dying.

704
00:25:00,380 --> 00:25:04,660
 I mean, all of my rocks, you know, and I called her.

705
00:25:04,660 --> 00:25:06,240
 She had moved to Florida.

706
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:09,280
 And I said, Virginia, you know, the last one was Leon.

707
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,400
 And when I called her, she was completely inaudible.

708
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,240
 My sponsor has never done that to me, ever.

709
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:18,360
 In the years she and I had been working together,

710
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:19,640
 she always made me feel like I was

711
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,900
 the most important person in the room, always.

712
00:25:21,900 --> 00:25:25,140
 And she would always stop whatever she was doing to help me.

713
00:25:25,140 --> 00:25:25,980
 It didn't matter.

714
00:25:25,980 --> 00:25:28,800
 This time, I didn't understand what she was saying.

715
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:29,640
 And she hung up.

716
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,240
 Her daughter called back and she said,

717
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:32,960
 I'm so sorry, mom's upset.

718
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,760
 Lee, her husband, had just died.

719
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,640
 I was 37 years sober.

720
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:41,040
 It not once crossed my mind to ask her how she was doing.

721
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:42,360
 It just didn't cross my mind.

722
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:45,080
 And I felt horrible because I'm there again,

723
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:46,460
 dumping all this stuff on her.

724
00:25:46,460 --> 00:25:48,680
 Not even thinking once that something,

725
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,060
 maybe she's going through something.

726
00:25:50,060 --> 00:25:52,480
 And she called me back as only an old timer can do.

727
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:54,760
 And she said, baby girl, what else you want from us?

728
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,160
 We've shown you how to live.

729
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:57,600
 Now we're showing you how to die.

730
00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:01,200
 With grace, with dignity, and above all, sobriety.

731
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,280
 You know, you say you love this program.

732
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,280
 Then you need to walk the way you talk.

733
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:07,360
 When you go to a meeting, you need to look sober,

734
00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:08,840
 talk sober, act sober.

735
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,880
 You might be the only big book a newcomer ever sees.

736
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:15,160
 I don't care how much you tell me you love this program.

737
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:16,320
 I want to see it now.

738
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:17,840
 Faith without works is dead.

739
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:20,520
 I have never forgotten those things.

740
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:21,940
 And I can never pay you back.

741
00:26:21,940 --> 00:26:23,660
 'Cause I remember asking her, I said,

742
00:26:23,660 --> 00:26:26,100
 how do I pay you back for everything you've done for me?

743
00:26:26,100 --> 00:26:27,520
 I mean, my family met her when we had

744
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:29,240
 the Royal Convention in Seattle.

745
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:32,000
 My family was just so in awe of AA.

746
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,920
 They just could not get over these drunks up there,

747
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:38,600
 not drinking, and you know, acting like they had some sense.

748
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:40,960
 Oh, they were just like, could not believe it.

749
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:43,160
 And she said, honey, you can't pay us back.

750
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:44,320
 That's not how this works.

751
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:46,680
 You do it for the next drunk that comes behind you.

752
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:48,060
 You pass it on that way.

753
00:26:48,060 --> 00:26:51,080
 You know, so again, I am so honored to be here.

754
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:51,960
 Thank you so much.

755
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,440
 It is my pleasure.

756
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,280
 I just can't say enough about Alcoholics Anonymous.

757
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,480
 And I hope, you know, that I live the way that I talk.

758
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:01,320
 You know, and they always tell me, follow people home.

759
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:02,960
 They said, I don't care what you say at the podium.

760
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:03,800
 Follow them home.

761
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:05,060
 Don't follow me on the 405.

762
00:27:05,060 --> 00:27:09,320
 But if I come home, I'll be a whole 'nother person.

763
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,320
 Follow me home.

764
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,180
 You know, see if I walk the way I talk.

765
00:27:13,180 --> 00:27:14,020
 'Cause it's not easy.

766
00:27:14,020 --> 00:27:15,840
 It's easy to stand here and say that.

767
00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:18,400
 It's another thing to go out there and do this.

768
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:20,320
 So if you're new, stay close.

769
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:22,160
 Again, thank you so much, Nancy.

770
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:25,720
 It was just an honor when I saw her at the Valley Club.

771
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,600
 And she said, well, thank you again.

772
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:28,440
 It's my honor.

773
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:29,280
 Thank you so much.