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 he's not as much of a hugger as I am so I kind of force him into it I'm Ethan

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 Whitaker and I'm an alcoholic my sobriety dates April 24th 2014 I'm sponsored by

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 a guy named Tim Krueger from Pacific Group my home group is the USR men's

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 group on Thursday nights at Men's Stag and it's awesome and I've been asked to

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 not have any profanity and we're working on and and I'm in a suit and I had my

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 easy clip-on tie and I love Alcoholics Anonymous and I actually last night I

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 went to a meeting at Santa Clarita and they were talking the topic of the night

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 was the ninth step and I was thinking about some of the amends I've gotten to

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 make and I have 11 years now and when I got a year and I like almost started

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 like breaking down and crying in the middle of this meeting just because I

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 had this thought and this memory when I got a year my dad he's a he's an awesome

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 guy and he's he got me this card sometimes he just does like he's pretty

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 I'm pretty goofy he's he's pretty goofy aloof very funny you know but sometimes

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 he just does the most like sentimental touching like heartfelt things and he

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 got me this card and it's like this black-and-white image of this little boy

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 like this you know maybe a three-year-old trying to lift up like a

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 barbell off the ground probably has like you know 200 pounds on it it's like this

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 black-and-white Cephia old photo of this kid trying to lift this weight and you

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 know it's impossible you know and then inside hero I think so think think of

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 all the things you couldn't do that now you can you know yeah I'm like you know

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 cuz my dad knows the extent of what I went through you know and he knows the

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 extent of like how rough it was and and that you know I've been sober ever since

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 I showed up here and and you know the relationship I have with my parents now

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 compared to what it was like and the person the man I've been able to become

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 as a result of you know one thing amazing with the steps to there's a

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 principle behind each one so when you're out there living in pure self obsession

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 always manipulating the world around you to suit your needs so much so you don't

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 even realize you know we're like half the time that I was helping people I was

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 helping people because I'm uncomfortable with them being uncomfortable you know

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 I'm gonna assert my will into their life because I think I know how the world's

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 supposed to be that's definitely not you being upset right now because that's a

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 buzzkill you know so screw your emotional process I'm gonna intervene

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 all the time I didn't realize how like how much I control and I didn't realize

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 that the the the the theme of me controlling is actually me you know when

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 I control things I'm convinced I know what's right you know yeah and it's

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 really just a manifestation of my ego all the time it's cuz I'm afraid I'm so

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 desperate for control because I'm so afraid all the time that I'm always

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 gonna be trying to like hyperactively make the world be in the image I think

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 it should be and living like that let's just go and what it was like and and I

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 got some time to talk about it okay so I'm from the Midwest I'm from the Kansas

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 City area parents are still together they've been together like 55 or 56

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 years at this point they're awesome they had their defects as well and three

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 older sisters you know like from the outside everything looked pretty good

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 you know but when I was six years old my my family specifically my parents fell

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 into a really bad gambling addiction so where my sisters had a little bit more

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 of like conventional life of like you know sports things like that they were

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 in the musical theater things like that when I was like six from the time I was

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 six to thirteen I'm in a casino like three to five nights a week you know and

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 I think about it it's like because I know how much my mom gave me and money

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 to go away every night it's like my mom probably gave me like $50,000 a year just

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 to play in an arcade you know so it's kind of like so because of that when

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 you're six years you're six years old like first memory my mom I'm trying to

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 find her you know and she like won't break eye contact with a slot machine so

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 it's like it's like things like that you know in my life you know and I think

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 about it's like I'm eight years old like we would go to Vegas we lived in Kansas

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 City we'd go to Vegas like 10 to 15 times a year you know most of our like

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 it's like nothing was real it was like all everything was comps everything was

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 free you know like every single year like Caesars or Harrah's would give us

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 like ten thousand dollars to go like you know come out for Christmas and the

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 family gets to spend ten grand at the shops or whatever you know it's like it

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 was just this really weird life and like especially for me because my parents

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 were so sucked in that addiction that it was just like kind of it was just a

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 weird way to grow up and I'm like eight years old with a charge card going to

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 Spago by myself for lunch you know so it's like not bad you know it's not the

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 worst thing that could happen right you know but uh it's just I was relatively

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 alone and isolated and I was kind of in this world of like escapism and debauchery

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 and you know you work to escape and that's like everything I was learning

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 and you know my parents issues with their problems look I am I'm an

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 alcoholic I was the kid in preschool where everyone else would get a juice

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 box and for some reason I'm done with mine in about half a second and then I'm

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 looking around like you know like I'm already out of the pleasure I need that

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 I need 50 juice boxes to be okay you know like every single thing that has

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 given me pleasure has given me more pleasure than what everyone else is

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 getting and I like need it I've always needed it more I'm a complete

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 hedonist I obsess over everything still to this day it's a problem I get excited

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 the second I like things my wife gets worried about you know like oh you can

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 like something this is gonna become a problem and and so that's that's just

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 what it was like I would fixate on things and but fast forward to when I

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 was 11 I was already having some issues you know but my parents both went to

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 jail for what looked like embezzling money from a client account they were

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 developers in the Midwest and like you know both my parents went to jail for a

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 period of time you know and like all of a sudden like because I can't rely on

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 you for anything I'm even more alone can't depend on you for anything and the

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 whole idea of this family being okay was kind of shattered and that was the same

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 year that like I remember I was 11 and I'm taking this test to have ADHD and I

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 just remember desperately trying to pass this test because I'm desperately trying

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 to have an excuse that there's something wrong with me I'm trying to be able to

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 absolve responsibility of life it's like oh there's something wrong with me oh

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 that's why that's why I feel this way that's why I don't connect you know and

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 and you know and then they get they prescribe me Adderall and then uh so I

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 had already drank at this point my parents would throw parties all the time

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 because they would make this bourbon slush okay every Christmas party and it

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 would like this gigantic thing it's like just the most delicious alcoholic slush

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 beverage and I'm like a fat kid you know and I'd like sneak in with like a like a

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 pitcher you know at some point of the party you know and I'd like just start

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 quick no one's watching and then I'd go hide in the closet and drink like a

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 pitcher of like secret of seven and like you know all this crap as a kid you know

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 and I know I'd be getting hammered you know as a kid so and like I was having a

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 lot of experiences like that but it wasn't doing anything for me yet okay

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 it's like it hadn't given me a spiritual experience I was still satisfied with

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 the imagination land of childhood but when I was 11 all of a sudden you're

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 starting to comprehend that you know hey she looks good what do I look like you

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 know or he's doing things I don't measure up I don't measure up you know I

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 see other people do things with ease and just everything seems impossible for me

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 to do I'm a coward and I hate it I'm not in alignment with what I think I'm

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 supposed to be in life and uh and that like cowardice those those actions not

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 taken even as a kid I wanted to escape my life you know I wanted to escape and

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 I didn't know how to be courageous I didn't know how to act with principal I

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 didn't have mentors and so then you know I get prescribed ADHD medication and

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 then you know and then someone gave me the bright idea to start snorting them

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 at 11 and and it's just from the second that anything hit my lips or hit my nose

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 or my lungs or anything like that I became absolutely obsessed with it and

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 I'm I'm not dumb I'm pretty quick I've always been a great communicator if

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 you're eight years old socializing with grown people in casinos all day you know

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 like you can learn how to talk and get get away in life and so I did you know

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 and I was the silver tongue con man I could make everyone love me I could

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 really deflect the attention away from me I could I could make people think

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 that things are okay you know and twist things into into my favor and you know

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 it just led me you know I'm I start getting arrested around like 13 14 15 I'm

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 now in the system I'm on probation I'm I'm drinking so I just I just noticed I

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 knew immediately that I just drink so much more than everyone else is it's

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 doing something so much different from me I didn't have skills I didn't know

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 how to manage life I any stress that I felt I only I conditioned myself that I

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 needed to have an outside source of something to manage society to manage

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 life and because of that I never got to learn how to navigate stress I never got

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 to learn how to be courageous I never got to learn those things as I trained

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 myself to be completely dependent on the out these outside synthetic sources and

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 you know fast forward to I have a difficult time talking about my story

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 because I'm not I'm not a I'm not a purist I definitely I I diversified my

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 portfolio of pleasure and and every single thing that I used I used it just

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 absolutely balls to the wall and I'm a big boy so like I had a high tolerance

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 everything too and like it's it's fast forward to uh and I get arrested like

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 three times when I'm 16 I started getting into like some real trouble my

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 family decides to move to Los Angeles then like Ethan do you want to move to

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 California sure you know I thought I could change I thought I could like I

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 thought I could actually have it because I knew if I was gonna stay in Kansas

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 City I'm gonna be in juvie really soon I'm drinking bleach to pass my drug

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 tests it's going downhill you know don't do that by the way but uh it works but

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 don't do it okay don't recommend it to anybody but um but uh you know because I

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 knew that if I failed one more I'm gonna do it you know it's like it's like so

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 it's like so that's what I'm doing to just that's what I'm doing at the time

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 because I can't imagine a life not having a source of power you know a

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 source of control something that could take away every fear that I had and so

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 then I moved to LA and then uh you know I start is shit a bad word shits a bad

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 word don't say that um but uh but anyways I start having my body start

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 shutting down at 16 and I start seeing blood when I use the bathroom and and I

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 really started diversifying my portfolio at that point because I wasn't ready to

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 stop and and that led me to start using alternative substances a lot of them and

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 every single one you're definitely not supposed to use and and my parents you

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 know it's like I'm they lost their firstborn son they had to pull the plug

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 on him he fell down the stairs you know and I'm their baby boy I got three

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 older sisters you know and I can only imagine what it's like when you're seeing

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 like the worst kind of paraphernalia fall out of your kids bag you know like

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 your baby boy you know and it's like and you can't do anything because he's like

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 a 270 pound like you know person you know and and it just led me to the end

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 and I'll just fast forward to the end fast forward I'm 24 now I've been

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 homeless three and a half years I'm rolling around with guys named scoochie

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 and weasel and but I think I'm better than they are because I'm only missing

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 my back teeth I'm not missing my front so you know like therefore I'm better

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 than you right I got I'm kind of going on I'm still have my front teeth it's

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 like and I finally get a I don't know it's just it's a I finally I was in the

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 projects to see I got arrested for the last time was in a holding cell for 11

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 days downtown they got out whole families they're frothy emotionally

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 appealing me at the East LA court and they you know finally some Alan on

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 started working in their life you know and they're just like Ethan you go to

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 this rehab or you get out of the car and I get out of the car and screaming I'm

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 in a I'm in a dirty wife beater they didn't give me back my laces and my

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 shoes I'm in a pea coat that I've been detoxing in for 12 days in a holding

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 tank I didn't smell very good and and then it led me to my bottom and what is

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 a bottom the bottom is when conditions in life deteriorate faster than you can

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 lower your standards okay so I had this keen intellectual alcoholic mind I had

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 this ability of lowering my standards or painting a picture that everything was

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 still okay or I have control yes and so what has to happen is you have to have

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 enough moments enough things that will drive you down into demoralization in a

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 quick period of time that'll make it so you'll finally hit a bottom where

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 conditions of life will finally deteriorate where you can't lower your

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 standards anymore or you're finally not willing to go anymore and that's what

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 happened to me I crossed a few too many lines and a very short period of time I

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 risked my health in ways that I've never done before just in that last 24 hours

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 did things that I've never done just a few of the last things that were keeping

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 me okay like I'm still okay somehow and and I did those things and then when I

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 woke up in the morning I'm in the projects of San Pedro I hate where I am

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 I hate where I am one thing that I hate about alcoholism is because you're so

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 desperate and worthless and you have no constitution about yourself you don't

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 you don't you don't have a say of where you are I'm just wherever people will

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 like allow me to be and because I can steal things and provide value in this

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 underworld I could be here in this trap house in this gang infested horrible

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 part of town and and like you know it's like I'm in a room with like a crack

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 dealer that is a convicted rapist and I have to be there because it's the only

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 trap house I can be in right now you know and I'm just like Midwestern high

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 valued you know wholesome somewhere deep inside of me person you know living this

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 complete alternative life and and but something felt different so I walked out

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 of that trap house and I walked on one third Mesa and I looked up the street I

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 knew where the hustle was that direction I looked down the street hey I know

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 there I know that I have good credit and I can walk right back in and keep going

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 and and something happened it was the first time in my entire time drinking

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 using any substance that I hesitated but I just had a single pause I'd never

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 paused I never allowed a conscious thought or a consequence to ever get in

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 the way I was so well trained to get to the next thing all the time because I

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 just I had to it's how I lived and it was the first time in my life that I had

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 hesitated and that small little gap of hesitation like that small little gap

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 boom it was like so what your egos doing constantly is like I don't know just

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 trying to make it so you can tolerate the life that you're in you know

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 painting pictures of reality but towards the end there I remember this vivid

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 memory I'm on the blue line train and I'm heading down to San Pedro and I like

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 have this moment that I forget that I'm this monster of the night creature

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 that's been up for like two weeks straight and there's this Hispanic

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 family mom two kids playing on the train and I forget that I'm I forget that I'm

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 some creature of the night you know and I just engage in imagination land play

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 with these two kids and then this mom just pulls her kids away from me cuz

211
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 this you know geeked out you know spun out you know tweaker is like talking to

212
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 their kids and I saw the look on her face and it was those little indicators

213
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 that like hey I'm not what I think I'm not what my mind saying I am you know

214
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 like the world's starting to treat me differently and I'm starting to kind of

215
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 get these clues and in that white light moment when I'm on on the projects

216
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 that's what I saw I saw like a this this cascade of memory that I'm I'm gonna die

217
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 and I'm like lost and I'm not what I'm I'm not what my mind's telling me that I

218
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 am and yeah and I called my family you know hey where were you gonna send me

219
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 and and I'm on my way now it was like my my sister lived 45 minutes away and she

220
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 just teleported there you know her cars outside you know and now I'm in the car

221
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 and I'm on my way and I'm on my way to rehab I'm on my way to the Gooden Center

222
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 in Pasadena and I'm scared I'm terrified I'm doing something I've never done why

223
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 am I so scared because I knew what rehab was rehab is not vacation what is a

224
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 rehab okay I love how they call it rehab okay rehab is an institution okay

225
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 rehabs are institutions okay this is a mental institution a rehab is for drugs

226
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 and alcohol a rehab is a mental institution that they send people that

227
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 can't stop killing themselves with drugs and alcohol okay I knew what that was

228
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 that's why I never tried to get sober that's why I never went to rehab because

229
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 if I ever say that I'm going to go it means I'm admitting to myself that I

230
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 can't control it that I can't find that harmonious relationship of drugs and

231
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 alcohol that I wanted I thought I could find that nirvana between the right

232
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 amount of meth heroin and Jameson and like this now that I found the perfect

233
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 ratio you know like I thought that that somehow existed and it's like but now

234
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 that I admitted that I'm going that's why I started getting afraid because I've

235
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 already admitted that I'm powerless that I can't control it and I'm scared and I

236
00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:40,800
 start having this panic attack and I start thinking about all of my friends

237
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 that are dead and I'm the monster and I'm still alive and like I'm the lab

238
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 I'm like one of the last ones left you know if my whole high school group and

239
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 and I'm thinking about the thing that starts making me go crazy is like what

240
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 if this doesn't work what if this doesn't work and and I just started

241
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:59,440
 getting scared I start crying I I had this little metal Jesus and we have

242
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 trinkets you know we have little trinkets and trach keys but I had a

243
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 little metal Jesus in my pocket and I just started doing the most desperate

244
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,800
 prayer in my life and I'm just like God I can't stop killing myself like please

245
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:13,440
 let me know that where I'm gonna go is gonna be a solution for me I'm gonna die

246
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:17,040
 I need your help and like please let me know I'm like demanding an answer like

247
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 please let me know this is gonna work and and God's so good God's so good you

248
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 know like could and would if you were sought so there I was seeking honestly

249
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 for the first time in my life but what happens within five ten seconds of the

250
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 most desperate prayer in my life this feeling you know this absolute pure

251
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:36,920
 grace feeling and and it was God you know I asked God a question he answered

252
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 me you know he gave me a feeling within five to ten seconds so I know

253
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:46,680
 wholeheartedly that the solution was there so I'm just so happy I showed up

254
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:51,680
 with such a level of desperation with such a level of like brokenness and also

255
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:56,000
 a complete willingness to give up every single thing I didn't want any of me if

256
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,560
 any part of me is going to get in the way of me having an alternative new life

257
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:04,280
 and experience take it away I don't want any of me like I was ready to die like I

258
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,960
 want to be new so I showed up the difference between me and everyone else

259
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:11,240
 is I had this experience so I knew wholeheartedly even though our psychosis

260
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,800
 and crazy and then like scaring people because I'm rolling my tongue I'm

261
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:19,480
 talking so fast I knew wholeheartedly that solution was there so I didn't look

262
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:23,960
 at every single group as just some shitty group I had to go to I saw it as

263
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:28,280
 there is an answer here this might be the room that the answer that I've been

264
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:32,200
 looking for is in second two days later I'm finally on detox med they clear me

265
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,280
 to go to the meeting like even they allowed us to walk to this meeting like

266
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:39,400
 quarter mile away 615 went there only thing I heard in that meeting was half

267
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:43,400
 measures availed us nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing all day you know

268
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,040
 all day that's the only thing I heard the whole meeting half measures availed

269
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 us nothing and that I didn't hear anything else the whole me that was the

270
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,080
 only thing I heard that whole meeting and then I start thinking about all day

271
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:55,160
 long it's just like yeah I've been a half measured cowardly my whole life I've

272
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:59,800
 been a coward my whole life I have never followed through with anything and

273
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:03,360
 there's deep inside of me there's a value system that I'm supposed to be a

274
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:08,440
 man of integrity I'm supposed to be the hero in the story but I'm a coward okay

275
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:10,800
 and I'm thinking about every single moment in my life every single

276
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:15,120
 opportunity that I had I squandered it I never took the chance I was always too

277
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,660
 afraid and I'd always been a half measure then there I was so I had

278
00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:22,640
 literally associated in that moment that like I had been drinking and using every

279
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:26,800
 single day to cover up this immense amount of shame I felt for being this

280
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:32,640
 weak coward of a man less than in every single way and and if I ever basically

281
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:36,600
 what I formed a pact with myself if I'm ever I'm allowed to be afraid but I'm

282
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:40,640
 not allowed to be a coward ever again and I made this pact with myself

283
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:45,560
 essentially just like every single time like I have to face my fears every

284
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,880
 single one of them because if I don't it means I don't trust God it means that

285
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:52,440
 I'm going to be creating a life that I want to escape again because I want to

286
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:56,200
 escape life and I'm a coward and so that I had that moment you know and I didn't

287
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,760
 want to be a half measure anymore and I get the right sponsorship God's good he

288
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:03,240
 gives you the right people and I'm so grateful for these steps because every

289
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:07,080
 single one of them is a principle that I don't have a relationship with but when

290
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:11,680
 I do that I get a relationship with that principle I get an understanding of how

291
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,440
 I'm supposed to live now okay that's specifically like I was just so grateful

292
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:19,520
 for the sponsorship I had I fell into meditation I did not I was the person in

293
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:23,440
 rehab that if you were a class clown disrupting I was going to be standing up

294
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:27,240
 maybe even getting violent if you're gonna get in the way of me saving my

295
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:32,000
 life I'm not on vacation dude I'm going to die in the Del Taco if I don't get

296
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,360
 what I'm trying to find here you know like that's just what it is like there

297
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:38,920
 goes Ethan Whitaker died Del Taco bathroom that's what the tombstone would

298
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,680
 have said you know like I'd rather that not be the case you know so so I wasn't

299
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:45,880
 a half measure anymore I just I like I can't be a half measure ever again in my

300
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:49,280
 life I got to go all out and I got to be courageous so then I went on this

301
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:53,240
 journey of the steps and yeah and the third step specifically I just want to

302
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:57,080
 talk about it it's like I just had said I just had the perfect sponsor for me at

303
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,560
 the time and he led me through this journey of like this third step

304
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:04,000
 journaling process where I wasn't allowed to save or rescue anyone or

305
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,580
 myself for a whole month and I had a journal about every single time I failed

306
00:21:07,580 --> 00:21:10,720
 at it Fred would ask me for a cigarette I can't say hey man I can't give you a

307
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:14,520
 cigarette because I have the spiritual process I'm doing and my sponsor directed

308
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,640
 not to give you a cigarette I'm not allowed to say that because that would

309
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:20,120
 be me saving myself okay Fred would ask me for a cigarette I just say no I'm not

310
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,640
 allowed to say and then if I open the door for some I'm technically not

311
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:26,500
 supposed to so then I journal about all of the failings I'm starting to notice

312
00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:29,880
 all these little micro moments and how I'm manipulating the world around friend

313
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,460
 of mine broke all those girlfriend he's on the steps of the sober living he's

314
00:21:32,460 --> 00:21:36,720
 crying everything Indian wanted to save him right who am I saving him or am I

315
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:41,480
 interfering with his grieving process am I just am I selfishly trying to make him

316
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:45,680
 be okay so I have my friend back you know I start learning all these things

317
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,320
 and finally at the end I run up to his room because he wouldn't let me move to

318
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,340
 the fourth until I told him what the point of the third step was and I just

319
00:21:51,340 --> 00:21:55,920
 run upstairs I'm not in control you know I'm not in control and and then after

320
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,840
 that we did the third step prayer you know and the third step prayer isn't a

321
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:03,920
 prayer at all you know it does it say God at the beginning it's it's a it does

322
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:07,960
 but it's like what's the next line it's like you're offering your entire self

323
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:12,240
 you're offering your entire self just look at the third step itself if you

324
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:17,040
 actually did this if you actually made a decision okay what is decision me I

325
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:21,220
 believe that the it basically means to cut away if you break down the Latin

326
00:22:21,220 --> 00:22:24,960
 terms okay the root words it means to cut away the alternative that's what

327
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:29,040
 decision means okay if you make a decision to turn your will and your life

328
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:32,960
 over to the care of God okay if you've actually done it then you've given over

329
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,520
 to the care of God okay hopefully your God's awesome hopefully your God's

330
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:41,440
 benevolent wonderful and all-knowing like mine is badass you know and in the

331
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:45,200
 book it's like God is everything or God is nothing okay I saw that as little so

332
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,600
 if God is everything and I've done the third step and I made the offering and

333
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:52,400
 everything like I made the offering and every single moment after that time

334
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:57,360
 since I made that that offer he is building with me and doing with me what

335
00:22:57,360 --> 00:23:02,440
 he sees fit he's taking away all of my difficulties you know it's so all of a

336
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:06,800
 sudden because I know that and I fully absorbed that lesson when I have it when

337
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:10,680
 I'm losing a job I'm not losing a job when I'm losing a relationship I'm not

338
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:15,220
 losing a relationship okay I'm being upgraded I'm being advanced because God

339
00:23:15,220 --> 00:23:18,880
 is everything and every moment is perfect for me and every single time

340
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:23,760
 that I think it's not it's because my ego has fallen in love with another idea

341
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:27,080
 of how the world's supposed to be I'm supposed to have that girl because then

342
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,480
 I'll be okay I'm supposed to have that job because I get that sense of wellness

343
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:35,040
 because of it it's bull it's crap okay God's everything or God's nothing it's

344
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:38,040
 either you've offered your full self and you have absolute faith and you move

345
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:42,840
 forward with that knowing that or not and I just and I knew it so what did

346
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:47,160
 that cause in me it made it so I wholeheartedly did the rest of the steps

347
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:51,200
 you know don't in and did the extra credit and more so it's like because I

348
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:55,740
 really embodied that the type of adventure that life became was just

349
00:23:55,740 --> 00:24:00,040
 crazy because if every single thing is an opportunity then like even if it's

350
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:04,480
 not even if everyone else would be sad about what's happening I wasn't set I

351
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,440
 remember losing a job restaurant was closing that we were working at everyone

352
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:11,060
 else starts freaking out and crying I had I'd worked out that morning I saw my

353
00:24:11,060 --> 00:24:14,760
 sponsor that morning I went to a meeting that morning the second I found out that

354
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,720
 they weren't my employers I didn't even take it personally I was like oh you're

355
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:22,320
 not my boss I stopped listening entirely in the meeting I get on Facebook hey hey

356
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:26,720
 whole restaurants closing 38 people just lost their jobs on one of them if anyone

357
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:30,360
 has any any work to keep my head above water let me know and I knew that God

358
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:33,960
 was I knew wholeheartedly God was gonna provide so what happens an hour later a

359
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:37,160
 guy that I serve pizza to at the restaurant somehow became Facebook

360
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:41,280
 friends you know he hits me up he's like hey man that sucks yeah I run a law firm

361
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:45,840
 you want to start on Monday yeah you know yeah so because there's no the

362
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:50,520
 amount of time I there's no pity party time why would there be a pity party if

363
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:54,680
 God is good and God is everything right why would that be the case you know so

364
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:59,040
 it's like because I wholehearted believe that every single thing is working in my

365
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:02,880
 best interest and the only thing that wouldn't see that is my lesser self

366
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,320
 that's always trying to make a world that I think I can control or need to

367
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,720
 control okay and because of that it's like that now all of a sudden I'm

368
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:13,720
 courageous now all of a sudden I'm doing things I was too afraid to do now all of a

369
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:18,040
 sudden I get the opportunity to sing publicly um whole family's performers I

370
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:21,360
 was always too much of a cattle I couldn't showcase any skill I had I'm at

371
00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:24,360
 this open mic thing with this girl it brought me now I find out that anyone

372
00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:27,320
 could raise their hand I start convulsing because I know that if I don't

373
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:31,680
 raise my hand I'm gonna die in a Del Taco bathroom okay so I raise my hand

374
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:35,360
 because I have to it's not negotiable I can't live my life as a coward I raised

375
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:39,680
 my hand I sing Don McLean starry Vincent acapella off my phone hundred

376
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,280
 people stand up clapping evolved okay what is the fear what is the fear my

377
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:48,840
 egos creating it's the barrier it's the structure of the box my ego wants me to

378
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:53,600
 stay in is my ego can control that little box do I want the finite world or

379
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,080
 do I want the infinite that God's trying to give me I say boom hundred people

380
00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,520
 clap all the sudden I'm like hey maybe I maybe I can do stuff then I form dance

381
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,800
 then I start touring but awesome things happen because I was living that life

382
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:07,020
 playing a show in East LA hot Italian stage right she wasn't wearing a bra

383
00:26:07,020 --> 00:26:10,260
 was awesome but hot Italian stage rack turns out we have the same birthday our

384
00:26:10,260 --> 00:26:13,500
 sisters have the same birthday we wait 7-eleven we were born we grew up with

385
00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:17,100
 wiener dogs named Roxy and Rosie she's my wife now you know we have four kids

386
00:26:17,100 --> 00:26:21,360
 you know like so because I'm living in alignment with God trusting I find

387
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:24,960
 myself in these positions moments of opportunity of synchronicity okay and

388
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:29,680
 this is awesome yeah it is awesome I'm like madly in love with my wife and I'm

389
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:34,400
 madly in love with my kids you know and and she trusted me and she let me build

390
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:39,700
 businesses you know and you know I'm not this homeless junkie anymore you know

391
00:26:39,700 --> 00:26:44,120
 you know like this morning you know I wake up and one of my employees got into

392
00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:47,700
 a car accident well I got employees that can get into car accidents not awesome

393
00:26:47,700 --> 00:26:52,360
 you know sick you know and like nothing to this was talking about serenity and

394
00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:56,640
 this is a great example of a you know he's a better active a member than me I

395
00:26:56,640 --> 00:27:01,160
 actually appreciate it you know he's so good at showing up but uh when he talked

396
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:05,540
 about serenity you know it's like God pushed me into things and I trusted him

397
00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:09,720
 so I have this business now and we got a few things but it's just so interesting

398
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:14,240
 like God has am I going to take personally when someone's trying to sue

399
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:17,600
 me for a million dollars twice in the last year you know am I gonna take it

400
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:21,160
 personally or am I going to cultivate gratitude that hey God's actually trying

401
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:25,720
 to make me good at restraint and negotiation you know maybe everything

402
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:29,680
 bad is actually good maybe everything bad actually has some sense of utility

403
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:33,240
 if you choose to see it that way you know maybe so maybe if you stop making

404
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:37,720
 taking it personally and see it as a gift as opposed to a threat maybe you

405
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:41,280
 could be infinitely evolving in life you know and it's just weird that I have

406
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:45,520
 absolute serenity it's like crazy crap will happen now and I'm just like that

407
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:49,760
 you know like it's like it's not that big of a deal you know that people are

408
00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:54,360
 trying to screw us or hurt to the business or mess with my employees or

409
00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:59,920
 whatever you know so it's it's just what a crazy alternative life and you know to

410
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:05,680
 have mentors and sponsorship you know and to have these groups of men that can

411
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:09,720
 like and women you know that that can just absolutely hold me up and in the

412
00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:13,740
 broken moments but I don't know how to handle I'm just so quick at picking up

413
00:28:13,740 --> 00:28:17,000
 the phone why would I waste struggling not knowing the answer if anything

414
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:20,440
 Alcoholics Anonymous has shown you that if you don't have the answer to the

415
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:24,200
 problem there's people that do know the answer and that lesson I've applied in

416
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:27,960
 everything you know in fact it's awesome because like the greatest mentors I have

417
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:32,440
 are men that I was just men that like I was setting up chairs with in my first

418
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:35,840
 six months of sobriety you know it's like next thing you know I'm getting

419
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,920
 sued for the first time or something or there's some big liability Labor

420
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:41,640
 Commission thing and I like just hey man I don't know if you know anything about

421
00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:44,360
 this I'm like talking to a guy in my early sobriety it's like I don't know if

422
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:46,520
 you know anything about that this is what I'm going through things oh yeah

423
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:50,200
 that sucks take a do you know anything about he's like well yeah I have 400

424
00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:53,000
 employees even you know it's like you're just like oh you're the guy that I'm

425
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:56,440
 setting up chairs with in early sobriety you know it's like you just have no clue

426
00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:59,000
 you know but if you actually put yourself out there God's gonna provide

427
00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:03,360
 and you know so I've kind of danced around what it was like you know I

428
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:07,680
 talked about what happened and just some more things and related to you know what

429
00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:11,760
 it's like now you know like I have a structured life I have a lot of

430
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:16,080
 opportunity and and I don't know really it's just uh I don't know I just still

431
00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:19,840
 have this this faith you know like my daughter my wife and I have the same

432
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:23,960
 birthday my firstborn daughter was born on my sobriety babe you know it's like

433
00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:27,680
 this weird crazy absolutely ridiculous synchronistic life has become available

434
00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:31,480
 to me and what am I supposed to do think that's gonna stop why why would it stop

435
00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:34,800
 maybe if you just stay on and just embrace what's happening then uh you

436
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:37,520
 know I don't know so anyways do a bunch of things you've never done that you

437
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:43,320
 can get a life you've never had and God is good so remember that thank you