he's not as much of a hugger as I am so I kind of force him into it I'm Ethan
Whitaker and I'm an alcoholic my sobriety dates April 24th 2014 I'm sponsored by
a guy named Tim Krueger from Pacific Group my home group is the USR men's
group on Thursday nights at Men's Stag and it's awesome and I've been asked to
not have any profanity and we're working on and and I'm in a suit and I had my
easy clip-on tie and I love Alcoholics Anonymous and I actually last night I
went to a meeting at Santa Clarita and they were talking the topic of the night
was the ninth step and I was thinking about some of the amends I've gotten to
make and I have 11 years now and when I got a year and I like almost started
like breaking down and crying in the middle of this meeting just because I
had this thought and this memory when I got a year my dad he's a he's an awesome
guy and he's he got me this card sometimes he just does like he's pretty
I'm pretty goofy he's he's pretty goofy aloof very funny you know but sometimes
he just does the most like sentimental touching like heartfelt things and he
got me this card and it's like this black-and-white image of this little boy
like this you know maybe a three-year-old trying to lift up like a
barbell off the ground probably has like you know 200 pounds on it it's like this
black-and-white Cephia old photo of this kid trying to lift this weight and you
know it's impossible you know and then inside hero I think so think think of
all the things you couldn't do that now you can you know yeah I'm like you know
cuz my dad knows the extent of what I went through you know and he knows the
extent of like how rough it was and and that you know I've been sober ever since
I showed up here and and you know the relationship I have with my parents now
compared to what it was like and the person the man I've been able to become
as a result of you know one thing amazing with the steps to there's a
principle behind each one so when you're out there living in pure self obsession
always manipulating the world around you to suit your needs so much so you don't
even realize you know we're like half the time that I was helping people I was
helping people because I'm uncomfortable with them being uncomfortable you know
I'm gonna assert my will into their life because I think I know how the world's
supposed to be that's definitely not you being upset right now because that's a
buzzkill you know so screw your emotional process I'm gonna intervene
all the time I didn't realize how like how much I control and I didn't realize
that the the the the theme of me controlling is actually me you know when
I control things I'm convinced I know what's right you know yeah and it's
really just a manifestation of my ego all the time it's cuz I'm afraid I'm so
desperate for control because I'm so afraid all the time that I'm always
gonna be trying to like hyperactively make the world be in the image I think
it should be and living like that let's just go and what it was like and and I
got some time to talk about it okay so I'm from the Midwest I'm from the Kansas
City area parents are still together they've been together like 55 or 56
years at this point they're awesome they had their defects as well and three
older sisters you know like from the outside everything looked pretty good
you know but when I was six years old my my family specifically my parents fell
into a really bad gambling addiction so where my sisters had a little bit more
of like conventional life of like you know sports things like that they were
in the musical theater things like that when I was like six from the time I was
six to thirteen I'm in a casino like three to five nights a week you know and
I think about it it's like because I know how much my mom gave me and money
to go away every night it's like my mom probably gave me like $50,000 a year just
to play in an arcade you know so it's kind of like so because of that when
you're six years you're six years old like first memory my mom I'm trying to
find her you know and she like won't break eye contact with a slot machine so
it's like it's like things like that you know in my life you know and I think
about it's like I'm eight years old like we would go to Vegas we lived in Kansas
City we'd go to Vegas like 10 to 15 times a year you know most of our like
it's like nothing was real it was like all everything was comps everything was
free you know like every single year like Caesars or Harrah's would give us
like ten thousand dollars to go like you know come out for Christmas and the
family gets to spend ten grand at the shops or whatever you know it's like it
was just this really weird life and like especially for me because my parents
were so sucked in that addiction that it was just like kind of it was just a
weird way to grow up and I'm like eight years old with a charge card going to
Spago by myself for lunch you know so it's like not bad you know it's not the
worst thing that could happen right you know but uh it's just I was relatively
alone and isolated and I was kind of in this world of like escapism and debauchery
and you know you work to escape and that's like everything I was learning
and you know my parents issues with their problems look I am I'm an
alcoholic I was the kid in preschool where everyone else would get a juice
box and for some reason I'm done with mine in about half a second and then I'm
looking around like you know like I'm already out of the pleasure I need that
I need 50 juice boxes to be okay you know like every single thing that has
given me pleasure has given me more pleasure than what everyone else is
getting and I like need it I've always needed it more I'm a complete
hedonist I obsess over everything still to this day it's a problem I get excited
the second I like things my wife gets worried about you know like oh you can
like something this is gonna become a problem and and so that's that's just
what it was like I would fixate on things and but fast forward to when I
was 11 I was already having some issues you know but my parents both went to
jail for what looked like embezzling money from a client account they were
developers in the Midwest and like you know both my parents went to jail for a
period of time you know and like all of a sudden like because I can't rely on
you for anything I'm even more alone can't depend on you for anything and the
whole idea of this family being okay was kind of shattered and that was the same
year that like I remember I was 11 and I'm taking this test to have ADHD and I
just remember desperately trying to pass this test because I'm desperately trying
to have an excuse that there's something wrong with me I'm trying to be able to
absolve responsibility of life it's like oh there's something wrong with me oh
that's why that's why I feel this way that's why I don't connect you know and
and you know and then they get they prescribe me Adderall and then uh so I
had already drank at this point my parents would throw parties all the time
because they would make this bourbon slush okay every Christmas party and it
would like this gigantic thing it's like just the most delicious alcoholic slush
beverage and I'm like a fat kid you know and I'd like sneak in with like a like a
pitcher you know at some point of the party you know and I'd like just start
quick no one's watching and then I'd go hide in the closet and drink like a
pitcher of like secret of seven and like you know all this crap as a kid you know
and I know I'd be getting hammered you know as a kid so and like I was having a
lot of experiences like that but it wasn't doing anything for me yet okay
it's like it hadn't given me a spiritual experience I was still satisfied with
the imagination land of childhood but when I was 11 all of a sudden you're
starting to comprehend that you know hey she looks good what do I look like you
know or he's doing things I don't measure up I don't measure up you know I
see other people do things with ease and just everything seems impossible for me
to do I'm a coward and I hate it I'm not in alignment with what I think I'm
supposed to be in life and uh and that like cowardice those those actions not
taken even as a kid I wanted to escape my life you know I wanted to escape and
I didn't know how to be courageous I didn't know how to act with principal I
didn't have mentors and so then you know I get prescribed ADHD medication and
then you know and then someone gave me the bright idea to start snorting them
at 11 and and it's just from the second that anything hit my lips or hit my nose
or my lungs or anything like that I became absolutely obsessed with it and
I'm I'm not dumb I'm pretty quick I've always been a great communicator if
you're eight years old socializing with grown people in casinos all day you know
like you can learn how to talk and get get away in life and so I did you know
and I was the silver tongue con man I could make everyone love me I could
really deflect the attention away from me I could I could make people think
that things are okay you know and twist things into into my favor and you know
it just led me you know I'm I start getting arrested around like 13 14 15 I'm
now in the system I'm on probation I'm I'm drinking so I just I just noticed I
knew immediately that I just drink so much more than everyone else is it's
doing something so much different from me I didn't have skills I didn't know
how to manage life I any stress that I felt I only I conditioned myself that I
needed to have an outside source of something to manage society to manage
life and because of that I never got to learn how to navigate stress I never got
to learn how to be courageous I never got to learn those things as I trained
myself to be completely dependent on the out these outside synthetic sources and
you know fast forward to I have a difficult time talking about my story
because I'm not I'm not a I'm not a purist I definitely I I diversified my
portfolio of pleasure and and every single thing that I used I used it just
absolutely balls to the wall and I'm a big boy so like I had a high tolerance
everything too and like it's it's fast forward to uh and I get arrested like
three times when I'm 16 I started getting into like some real trouble my
family decides to move to Los Angeles then like Ethan do you want to move to
California sure you know I thought I could change I thought I could like I
thought I could actually have it because I knew if I was gonna stay in Kansas
City I'm gonna be in juvie really soon I'm drinking bleach to pass my drug
tests it's going downhill you know don't do that by the way but uh it works but
don't do it okay don't recommend it to anybody but um but uh you know because I
knew that if I failed one more I'm gonna do it you know it's like it's like so
it's like so that's what I'm doing to just that's what I'm doing at the time
because I can't imagine a life not having a source of power you know a
source of control something that could take away every fear that I had and so
then I moved to LA and then uh you know I start is shit a bad word shits a bad
word don't say that um but uh but anyways I start having my body start
shutting down at 16 and I start seeing blood when I use the bathroom and and I
really started diversifying my portfolio at that point because I wasn't ready to
stop and and that led me to start using alternative substances a lot of them and
every single one you're definitely not supposed to use and and my parents you
know it's like I'm they lost their firstborn son they had to pull the plug
on him he fell down the stairs you know and I'm their baby boy I got three
older sisters you know and I can only imagine what it's like when you're seeing
like the worst kind of paraphernalia fall out of your kids bag you know like
your baby boy you know and it's like and you can't do anything because he's like
a 270 pound like you know person you know and and it just led me to the end
and I'll just fast forward to the end fast forward I'm 24 now I've been
homeless three and a half years I'm rolling around with guys named scoochie
and weasel and but I think I'm better than they are because I'm only missing
my back teeth I'm not missing my front so you know like therefore I'm better
than you right I got I'm kind of going on I'm still have my front teeth it's
like and I finally get a I don't know it's just it's a I finally I was in the
projects to see I got arrested for the last time was in a holding cell for 11
days downtown they got out whole families they're frothy emotionally
appealing me at the East LA court and they you know finally some Alan on
started working in their life you know and they're just like Ethan you go to
this rehab or you get out of the car and I get out of the car and screaming I'm
in a I'm in a dirty wife beater they didn't give me back my laces and my
shoes I'm in a pea coat that I've been detoxing in for 12 days in a holding
tank I didn't smell very good and and then it led me to my bottom and what is
a bottom the bottom is when conditions in life deteriorate faster than you can
lower your standards okay so I had this keen intellectual alcoholic mind I had
this ability of lowering my standards or painting a picture that everything was
still okay or I have control yes and so what has to happen is you have to have
enough moments enough things that will drive you down into demoralization in a
quick period of time that'll make it so you'll finally hit a bottom where
conditions of life will finally deteriorate where you can't lower your
standards anymore or you're finally not willing to go anymore and that's what
happened to me I crossed a few too many lines and a very short period of time I
risked my health in ways that I've never done before just in that last 24 hours
did things that I've never done just a few of the last things that were keeping
me okay like I'm still okay somehow and and I did those things and then when I
woke up in the morning I'm in the projects of San Pedro I hate where I am
I hate where I am one thing that I hate about alcoholism is because you're so
desperate and worthless and you have no constitution about yourself you don't
you don't you don't have a say of where you are I'm just wherever people will
like allow me to be and because I can steal things and provide value in this
underworld I could be here in this trap house in this gang infested horrible
part of town and and like you know it's like I'm in a room with like a crack
dealer that is a convicted rapist and I have to be there because it's the only
trap house I can be in right now you know and I'm just like Midwestern high
valued you know wholesome somewhere deep inside of me person you know living this
complete alternative life and and but something felt different so I walked out
of that trap house and I walked on one third Mesa and I looked up the street I
knew where the hustle was that direction I looked down the street hey I know
there I know that I have good credit and I can walk right back in and keep going
and and something happened it was the first time in my entire time drinking
using any substance that I hesitated but I just had a single pause I'd never
paused I never allowed a conscious thought or a consequence to ever get in
the way I was so well trained to get to the next thing all the time because I
just I had to it's how I lived and it was the first time in my life that I had
hesitated and that small little gap of hesitation like that small little gap
boom it was like so what your egos doing constantly is like I don't know just
trying to make it so you can tolerate the life that you're in you know
painting pictures of reality but towards the end there I remember this vivid
memory I'm on the blue line train and I'm heading down to San Pedro and I like
have this moment that I forget that I'm this monster of the night creature
that's been up for like two weeks straight and there's this Hispanic
family mom two kids playing on the train and I forget that I'm I forget that I'm
some creature of the night you know and I just engage in imagination land play
with these two kids and then this mom just pulls her kids away from me cuz
this you know geeked out you know spun out you know tweaker is like talking to
their kids and I saw the look on her face and it was those little indicators
that like hey I'm not what I think I'm not what my mind saying I am you know
like the world's starting to treat me differently and I'm starting to kind of
get these clues and in that white light moment when I'm on on the projects
that's what I saw I saw like a this this cascade of memory that I'm I'm gonna die
and I'm like lost and I'm not what I'm I'm not what my mind's telling me that I
am and yeah and I called my family you know hey where were you gonna send me
and and I'm on my way now it was like my my sister lived 45 minutes away and she
just teleported there you know her cars outside you know and now I'm in the car
and I'm on my way and I'm on my way to rehab I'm on my way to the Gooden Center
in Pasadena and I'm scared I'm terrified I'm doing something I've never done why
am I so scared because I knew what rehab was rehab is not vacation what is a
rehab okay I love how they call it rehab okay rehab is an institution okay
rehabs are institutions okay this is a mental institution a rehab is for drugs
and alcohol a rehab is a mental institution that they send people that
can't stop killing themselves with drugs and alcohol okay I knew what that was
that's why I never tried to get sober that's why I never went to rehab because
if I ever say that I'm going to go it means I'm admitting to myself that I
can't control it that I can't find that harmonious relationship of drugs and
alcohol that I wanted I thought I could find that nirvana between the right
amount of meth heroin and Jameson and like this now that I found the perfect
ratio you know like I thought that that somehow existed and it's like but now
that I admitted that I'm going that's why I started getting afraid because I've
already admitted that I'm powerless that I can't control it and I'm scared and I
start having this panic attack and I start thinking about all of my friends
that are dead and I'm the monster and I'm still alive and like I'm the lab
I'm like one of the last ones left you know if my whole high school group and
and I'm thinking about the thing that starts making me go crazy is like what
if this doesn't work what if this doesn't work and and I just started
getting scared I start crying I I had this little metal Jesus and we have
trinkets you know we have little trinkets and trach keys but I had a
little metal Jesus in my pocket and I just started doing the most desperate
prayer in my life and I'm just like God I can't stop killing myself like please
let me know that where I'm gonna go is gonna be a solution for me I'm gonna die
I need your help and like please let me know I'm like demanding an answer like
please let me know this is gonna work and and God's so good God's so good you
know like could and would if you were sought so there I was seeking honestly
for the first time in my life but what happens within five ten seconds of the
most desperate prayer in my life this feeling you know this absolute pure
grace feeling and and it was God you know I asked God a question he answered
me you know he gave me a feeling within five to ten seconds so I know
wholeheartedly that the solution was there so I'm just so happy I showed up
with such a level of desperation with such a level of like brokenness and also
a complete willingness to give up every single thing I didn't want any of me if
any part of me is going to get in the way of me having an alternative new life
and experience take it away I don't want any of me like I was ready to die like I
want to be new so I showed up the difference between me and everyone else
is I had this experience so I knew wholeheartedly even though our psychosis
and crazy and then like scaring people because I'm rolling my tongue I'm
talking so fast I knew wholeheartedly that solution was there so I didn't look
at every single group as just some shitty group I had to go to I saw it as
there is an answer here this might be the room that the answer that I've been
looking for is in second two days later I'm finally on detox med they clear me
to go to the meeting like even they allowed us to walk to this meeting like
quarter mile away 615 went there only thing I heard in that meeting was half
measures availed us nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing all day you know
all day that's the only thing I heard the whole meeting half measures availed
us nothing and that I didn't hear anything else the whole me that was the
only thing I heard that whole meeting and then I start thinking about all day
long it's just like yeah I've been a half measured cowardly my whole life I've
been a coward my whole life I have never followed through with anything and
there's deep inside of me there's a value system that I'm supposed to be a
man of integrity I'm supposed to be the hero in the story but I'm a coward okay
and I'm thinking about every single moment in my life every single
opportunity that I had I squandered it I never took the chance I was always too
afraid and I'd always been a half measure then there I was so I had
literally associated in that moment that like I had been drinking and using every
single day to cover up this immense amount of shame I felt for being this
weak coward of a man less than in every single way and and if I ever basically
what I formed a pact with myself if I'm ever I'm allowed to be afraid but I'm
not allowed to be a coward ever again and I made this pact with myself
essentially just like every single time like I have to face my fears every
single one of them because if I don't it means I don't trust God it means that
I'm going to be creating a life that I want to escape again because I want to
escape life and I'm a coward and so that I had that moment you know and I didn't
want to be a half measure anymore and I get the right sponsorship God's good he
gives you the right people and I'm so grateful for these steps because every
single one of them is a principle that I don't have a relationship with but when
I do that I get a relationship with that principle I get an understanding of how
I'm supposed to live now okay that's specifically like I was just so grateful
for the sponsorship I had I fell into meditation I did not I was the person in
rehab that if you were a class clown disrupting I was going to be standing up
maybe even getting violent if you're gonna get in the way of me saving my
life I'm not on vacation dude I'm going to die in the Del Taco if I don't get
what I'm trying to find here you know like that's just what it is like there
goes Ethan Whitaker died Del Taco bathroom that's what the tombstone would
have said you know like I'd rather that not be the case you know so so I wasn't
a half measure anymore I just I like I can't be a half measure ever again in my
life I got to go all out and I got to be courageous so then I went on this
journey of the steps and yeah and the third step specifically I just want to
talk about it it's like I just had said I just had the perfect sponsor for me at
the time and he led me through this journey of like this third step
journaling process where I wasn't allowed to save or rescue anyone or
myself for a whole month and I had a journal about every single time I failed
at it Fred would ask me for a cigarette I can't say hey man I can't give you a
cigarette because I have the spiritual process I'm doing and my sponsor directed
not to give you a cigarette I'm not allowed to say that because that would
be me saving myself okay Fred would ask me for a cigarette I just say no I'm not
allowed to say and then if I open the door for some I'm technically not
supposed to so then I journal about all of the failings I'm starting to notice
all these little micro moments and how I'm manipulating the world around friend
of mine broke all those girlfriend he's on the steps of the sober living he's
crying everything Indian wanted to save him right who am I saving him or am I
interfering with his grieving process am I just am I selfishly trying to make him
be okay so I have my friend back you know I start learning all these things
and finally at the end I run up to his room because he wouldn't let me move to
the fourth until I told him what the point of the third step was and I just
run upstairs I'm not in control you know I'm not in control and and then after
that we did the third step prayer you know and the third step prayer isn't a
prayer at all you know it does it say God at the beginning it's it's a it does
but it's like what's the next line it's like you're offering your entire self
you're offering your entire self just look at the third step itself if you
actually did this if you actually made a decision okay what is decision me I
believe that the it basically means to cut away if you break down the Latin
terms okay the root words it means to cut away the alternative that's what
decision means okay if you make a decision to turn your will and your life
over to the care of God okay if you've actually done it then you've given over
to the care of God okay hopefully your God's awesome hopefully your God's
benevolent wonderful and all-knowing like mine is badass you know and in the
book it's like God is everything or God is nothing okay I saw that as little so
if God is everything and I've done the third step and I made the offering and
everything like I made the offering and every single moment after that time
since I made that that offer he is building with me and doing with me what
he sees fit he's taking away all of my difficulties you know it's so all of a
sudden because I know that and I fully absorbed that lesson when I have it when
I'm losing a job I'm not losing a job when I'm losing a relationship I'm not
losing a relationship okay I'm being upgraded I'm being advanced because God
is everything and every moment is perfect for me and every single time
that I think it's not it's because my ego has fallen in love with another idea
of how the world's supposed to be I'm supposed to have that girl because then
I'll be okay I'm supposed to have that job because I get that sense of wellness
because of it it's bull it's crap okay God's everything or God's nothing it's
either you've offered your full self and you have absolute faith and you move
forward with that knowing that or not and I just and I knew it so what did
that cause in me it made it so I wholeheartedly did the rest of the steps
you know don't in and did the extra credit and more so it's like because I
really embodied that the type of adventure that life became was just
crazy because if every single thing is an opportunity then like even if it's
not even if everyone else would be sad about what's happening I wasn't set I
remember losing a job restaurant was closing that we were working at everyone
else starts freaking out and crying I had I'd worked out that morning I saw my
sponsor that morning I went to a meeting that morning the second I found out that
they weren't my employers I didn't even take it personally I was like oh you're
not my boss I stopped listening entirely in the meeting I get on Facebook hey hey
whole restaurants closing 38 people just lost their jobs on one of them if anyone
has any any work to keep my head above water let me know and I knew that God
was I knew wholeheartedly God was gonna provide so what happens an hour later a
guy that I serve pizza to at the restaurant somehow became Facebook
friends you know he hits me up he's like hey man that sucks yeah I run a law firm
you want to start on Monday yeah you know yeah so because there's no the
amount of time I there's no pity party time why would there be a pity party if
God is good and God is everything right why would that be the case you know so
it's like because I wholehearted believe that every single thing is working in my
best interest and the only thing that wouldn't see that is my lesser self
that's always trying to make a world that I think I can control or need to
control okay and because of that it's like that now all of a sudden I'm
courageous now all of a sudden I'm doing things I was too afraid to do now all of a
sudden I get the opportunity to sing publicly um whole family's performers I
was always too much of a cattle I couldn't showcase any skill I had I'm at
this open mic thing with this girl it brought me now I find out that anyone
could raise their hand I start convulsing because I know that if I don't
raise my hand I'm gonna die in a Del Taco bathroom okay so I raise my hand
because I have to it's not negotiable I can't live my life as a coward I raised
my hand I sing Don McLean starry Vincent acapella off my phone hundred
people stand up clapping evolved okay what is the fear what is the fear my
egos creating it's the barrier it's the structure of the box my ego wants me to
stay in is my ego can control that little box do I want the finite world or
do I want the infinite that God's trying to give me I say boom hundred people
clap all the sudden I'm like hey maybe I maybe I can do stuff then I form dance
then I start touring but awesome things happen because I was living that life
playing a show in East LA hot Italian stage right she wasn't wearing a bra
was awesome but hot Italian stage rack turns out we have the same birthday our
sisters have the same birthday we wait 7-eleven we were born we grew up with
wiener dogs named Roxy and Rosie she's my wife now you know we have four kids
you know like so because I'm living in alignment with God trusting I find
myself in these positions moments of opportunity of synchronicity okay and
this is awesome yeah it is awesome I'm like madly in love with my wife and I'm
madly in love with my kids you know and and she trusted me and she let me build
businesses you know and you know I'm not this homeless junkie anymore you know
you know like this morning you know I wake up and one of my employees got into
a car accident well I got employees that can get into car accidents not awesome
you know sick you know and like nothing to this was talking about serenity and
this is a great example of a you know he's a better active a member than me I
actually appreciate it you know he's so good at showing up but uh when he talked
about serenity you know it's like God pushed me into things and I trusted him
so I have this business now and we got a few things but it's just so interesting
like God has am I going to take personally when someone's trying to sue
me for a million dollars twice in the last year you know am I gonna take it
personally or am I going to cultivate gratitude that hey God's actually trying
to make me good at restraint and negotiation you know maybe everything
bad is actually good maybe everything bad actually has some sense of utility
if you choose to see it that way you know maybe so maybe if you stop making
taking it personally and see it as a gift as opposed to a threat maybe you
could be infinitely evolving in life you know and it's just weird that I have
absolute serenity it's like crazy crap will happen now and I'm just like that
you know like it's like it's not that big of a deal you know that people are
trying to screw us or hurt to the business or mess with my employees or
whatever you know so it's it's just what a crazy alternative life and you know to
have mentors and sponsorship you know and to have these groups of men that can
like and women you know that that can just absolutely hold me up and in the
broken moments but I don't know how to handle I'm just so quick at picking up
the phone why would I waste struggling not knowing the answer if anything
Alcoholics Anonymous has shown you that if you don't have the answer to the
problem there's people that do know the answer and that lesson I've applied in
everything you know in fact it's awesome because like the greatest mentors I have
are men that I was just men that like I was setting up chairs with in my first
six months of sobriety you know it's like next thing you know I'm getting
sued for the first time or something or there's some big liability Labor
Commission thing and I like just hey man I don't know if you know anything about
this I'm like talking to a guy in my early sobriety it's like I don't know if
you know anything about that this is what I'm going through things oh yeah
that sucks take a do you know anything about he's like well yeah I have 400
employees even you know it's like you're just like oh you're the guy that I'm
setting up chairs with in early sobriety you know it's like you just have no clue
you know but if you actually put yourself out there God's gonna provide
and you know so I've kind of danced around what it was like you know I
talked about what happened and just some more things and related to you know what
it's like now you know like I have a structured life I have a lot of
opportunity and and I don't know really it's just uh I don't know I just still
have this this faith you know like my daughter my wife and I have the same
birthday my firstborn daughter was born on my sobriety babe you know it's like
this weird crazy absolutely ridiculous synchronistic life has become available
to me and what am I supposed to do think that's gonna stop why why would it stop
maybe if you just stay on and just embrace what's happening then uh you
know I don't know so anyways do a bunch of things you've never done that you
can get a life you've never had and God is good so remember that thank you