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 Hi everyone, Sonia Alcoholics.

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 I absolutely love AA but this is the only thing that terrifies me.

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 But I understand its purpose because I have heard phenomenal speakers and then you get

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 to hear your story and you're like, you know, she told my story.

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 So my sobriety date is 6/4/17 and I just I turned 52 last month and thank you.

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 And I have a daughter who's 30 and a boy who's 33.

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 I did not raise my boy, but I did raise my little girl as much as I could.

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 So I and I say that because there's a reason.

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 I was out there for 28 years of my life.

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 My childhood was not good and I was raised by a Mexican mother and a Chinese father.

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 I am not Chinese, but he raised me as his own.

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 And one side was, you know, Catholic and I did my, you know, my all the things that Catholics

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 do growing up and then there's the Asian part where there's a Buddha and incense and he

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 was very, very strict, very mean and my mom was very workaholic.

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 She had work and then she had other things that she would sell and it was go, go, go,

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 never stop.

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 And being the oldest, I was primarily the caretaker of my little sister and so went

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 through a lot of traumatic events when I was a child and I got pregnant at a very young

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 age.

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 That's when I had my son and I tried to keep my son for seven months and I would go to

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 work and I would have to come home and pay the babysitters and those were my moms and

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 my aunt.

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 And I said, my paycheck is not going to cut it.

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 I'm never going to, you know, raise this little boy.

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 And I decided to give him up for adoption after having him for seven months.

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 And that was the hardest thing I had to do.

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 I was 17, I didn't know what I was doing.

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 And the minute that I put him in the backseat and I remember that day, like my last drunk,

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 that's how vivid I remember that day.

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 I remember him crying and then just hoping that I picked the right, you know, the right

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 parents.

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 And I left my home that day too.

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 I grabbed all my stuff and I went and stuck myself in a room and now mom can't tell me

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 what to do.

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 Dad can't, you know, yell at me all the time, you know, never good enough, never, never

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 enough for anyone, you know, there was no love.

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 There was no praise.

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 There was nothing in that household and I didn't want to stay there.

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 So I left in the nineties, you could do that, right?

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 And I did that and I did the best that I could.

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 I was scared all the time.

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 And by being scared, you basically, I just hung out with the people that I hung out with

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 and it was fun until I went home by myself and I would cry because I would miss my son.

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 And this went on for years because, you know, I didn't know where he was.

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 So it was, it was very hard for me growing up doing that.

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 Time went by and, you know, I latched onto people.

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 That's what I did.

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 I latch onto people I use and abuse and until they can't make me happy anymore, I go on

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 to the next and to the next.

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 And with that, you know, I thought having another daughter was going to fix me and it

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 didn't.

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 The minute I had my daughter, I was like, okay, see you later, bye, you know, and off

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 to work.

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 I went, you know, that's the only really thing that I knew how to do is hold down a job somehow.

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 Thank goodness.

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 So I went back to work and, you know, I was always miserable.

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 I was always unhappy.

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 I was always wondering, how is he doing?

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 It was like I had a hole and I didn't know how to fill it.

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 And I thought that by doing all these things, it was going to somehow go away and it never

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 did, you know?

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 So I had my daughter and it was beautiful, she's still beautiful.

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 And I tried the best that I could to be a mother.

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 And when I, when, since I was broken inside, I didn't know how to be a mother.

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 And the only person that I saw be a mother was not what I wanted to be.

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 So I tried my best not to be that person.

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 And I did give some love to my daughter.

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 But with the chaotic mind that I had, I also had anxiety.

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 My head was always louder than, than anything else.

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 And I didn't know why.

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 And I knew something was wrong with me, you know, throughout my lifetime, you know, because

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 once I had my daughter, and I was out there doing what I wanted to do and never really

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 cared about anybody else, not even her, because now I've, I've found other substances that

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 were stronger, you know, that took me down quick within the five years, I lost my job,

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 I lost whatever I had, I, I went away from my family, I was always almost gonna lose

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 my daughter, I lost my teeth, um, I lost everything.

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 And right before dad was going to take away now my daughter, I he said to me, get your

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 stuff together, or I'm taking your daughter away.

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 And that's the feeling that I already knew my Whoa, wait a minute, I know how that feels.

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 And I'm not going to get that taken away.

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 So I latched on to another individual.

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 And I got clean from that.

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 And it worked till it didn't work.

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 I got the job that I still have today.

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 And I basically I said to myself, you know what, I'm just gonna say bye to Sonia, because

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 I don't know how to do Sonia, and I'm just gonna try and keep this family together, which

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 is my my daughter hit now he has a son and raised these two kids.

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 They were seven or, you know, same age, I'm gonna try my best to raise these two kids

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 as a family.

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 I don't have my son, but I can raise another person's son and be good to them because thinking

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 my son is out there, I want other people to be good to my son.

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 So I latched on to this.

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 And that was eight years of eight years of numbness of really I was I felt like I was

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 in my body, but not in my in my soul.

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 I was always looking in and thinking this is not the life I'm supposed to live.

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 You know, we would drink every weekend, we would, you know, have parties and he'd bring

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 his family and I bring my family and I hated it hated everything about it.

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 It was not me.

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 I was loud.

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 I was obnoxious.

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 I thought I knew everything I drank even more.

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 There was other substances that were, you know, represented to me, which were pills

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 and I was popping those with the alcohol and I was like, yeah, I can do this and I could

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 do it.

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 And I did it.

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 I did it for like three or four years until the money ran out, right?

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 Because those things can get expensive.

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 And I knew something was wrong with me.

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 I always knew something was wrong with me.

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 I just didn't know what it was or how to come out of whatever madness I had put myself into.

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 And it was always that cycle of crazy that I call that madness that that around the clock

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 like wake up.

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 Okay, I gotta feel better.

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 Okay, you know, go to lunch and then you know, make sure having enough alcohol I had bottles

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 in my car.

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 I had bottles at work.

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 I had bottles at home when I would get too drunk.

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 My daughter would hide my alcohol on the top cabinet.

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 She knew I wouldn't be looking there when we moved from that area.

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 All my bottles were there quarter quarter quarter half all I was like, where did this

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 come from?

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 I used to hide them from me when you would be drinking and there was a lot of bottles

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 up there.

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 I never found them.

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 I would have I drank them by the way that day that I found them.

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 Yeah.

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 What do you think I was gonna go to waste?

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 I like the way it made me feel.

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 I like that first drink or you it's hot and then you go into a cold sweat and then you

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 just can't wait to you know, feel that that buzz to where I'm not thinking anymore.

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 I just don't want to think because my head was so loud filled with guilt filled with

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 hate filled with with why am I here and why can't I be happy?

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 When am I going to be happy?

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 When am I going to get peace?

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 When is this brain going to quiet down?

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 Because everything that I've done to that day, I didn't know why I wasn't able to be

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 happy.

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 So I decided to leave that man that I was with and my mom got a divorce.

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 She got a house.

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 I left him and I one day threw everything in my little black element and I moved in

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 back with mom and and now here I am now it's mom that one person that I don't get along

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 with I never had a good relationship with I had a big resentment because of my son and

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 I had to go back and live with mom.

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 This is where my alcoholism really really really resonated and I thought like this is

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 going to be my entire life.

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 I'm just going to die a drunk.

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 I'm going to live at home.

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 You know, I'm not going to pay that much rent.

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 I could do this.

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 I can hold on to this poor job that I have that, you know, I'm keeping up for now and

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 on one of my drunken days 2014, I remember the day it was probably around Christmas.

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 I decided to look for my son.

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 I said, you know what?

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 Because I would cry.

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 I would always cry and the holidays would I would be a mess and I didn't share any of

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 this pain with anybody but myself my son not my daughter.

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 She didn't even know.

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 She didn't even know she had a brother out there.

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 I didn't tell her till I got sober and I looked and I found my son.

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 I found him on Facebook and I'm like, holy cannolis there he is.

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 He looks just like me.

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 I'm like, that's my son.

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 So I extended a few a text and sure enough that was him.

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 He answered me right away, which was very shocking and I got to meet him and I was it

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 was like a surreal out of body like God and you you're out there.

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 My God is out there someone is out there and and they're giving me some type of, you know,

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 reach like a hand right a hand that I'm gonna I'm okay.

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 You're out there.

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 Thank you.

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 And he came to see me.

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 He asked me a thousand questions and I said, okay, I'm gonna do my best to be sober.

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 I'm gonna be the best mom ever.

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 Watch.

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 We'll see.

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 Yeah, no, it took me two years, 14, 15, 16, 17, two and a half years to find AA and that

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 wall would be very high, very short.

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 I started with a month and then a week and then a month and then a day and then a week

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 and what is wrong with me?

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 Why can't I stop drinking?

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 Like this insanity just kept on going in circles and I would that's all I would think about

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 like during work after work.

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 I'm not going to the liquor store.

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 I'm going to go the other way.

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 No, the minute I would get home, I would be like like antsy and antsy and and my anxiety.

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 Oh, I was having anxiety.

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 Now it's hitting me mentally.

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 I started getting anxiety attacks at work.

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 I started, I couldn't function.

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 It was the oddest thing because how can I stop doing all these other things when my

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 young time and and there's like, I can't do this one.

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 Like what is it with alcohol that I couldn't let it go and it was driving me mad.

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 Like literally mad.

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 I was ready to just put the towel on and go, you know what?

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 I guess I need to go to the psych ward again.

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 I was in the psych ward when I was in my 20s and now I'm like thinking maybe that's where

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 I belong and I just couldn't get sober enough or long enough for my son and until my last

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 drunk right until I said I wasn't going to drink again and it was my daughter's 21st

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 birthday.

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 Now him and I are in communication.

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 He comes, he goes, he's in the army, he's doing good, good kid, good, good, good.

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 I did good with those two people and I'm trying really hard to be in his life and prove everybody

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 that, you know, I'm going to be the best mom in the world without any, you know, no one

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 helping me here.

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 Right.

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 And 21st birthday.

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 My daughter would throw her a party in the house and here we go.

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 I'm not going to drink.

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 I drank.

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 I made a fool of myself.

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 I made a disgusting mess.

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 And this is where my surrender came because I was this person.

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 When I walked into the rooms and I saw that I was like, Oh my God, that's me.

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 That's me.

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 I didn't.

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 It was, it grabbed me because that was me.

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 I was chained to that bed the last two years before coming into the rooms.

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 That was me.

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 I would go home.

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 I would be so miserable.

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 That's all I would do.

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 I wouldn't go out anymore.

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 I just was drinking handles of vodka handles.

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 And I knew I had crossed over when I had to wake up in the morning cause I would be shaking

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 and I needed it to function, to drive, to go to work cause I had to go to work.

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 That was the only thing keeping me up and going.

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 And I, and that's, that's, that was the last, the last two of my, of my years prior to coming

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 into AA.

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 So when I decided to surrender, I went to my doctors.

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 I was, I finally admitted, look, I'm drinking this much.

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 I'm taking all these, I was taking all these pills and now I'm like, I, I, I, I need them.

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 Do I need them?

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 Do I not?

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 I have anxiety.

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 Now I'm, now I've got anxiety medication on top with all this alcohol handles of vodka.

235
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:03,920
 And I'm not telling the doctor, the doctor that was prescribing my other anxiety because

236
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,360
 I'm not being honest with him.

237
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,360
 So now this other doctor comes in that was a step in with my real doctor.

238
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,560
 And I said, look, I, I, this is what I'm doing.

239
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:14,120
 He's, the first thing he told me, have you ever done AA?

240
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,520
 And I said, that doesn't work.

241
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,960
 I did an AA when I was in my twenties.

242
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:22,840
 They sent me to an all woman's rainbow house in Simi Valley and that didn't work.

243
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:25,440
 I got kicked out, you know, it was a room full of women.

244
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:26,440
 Oh, by the way, I'm gay.

245
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:31,600
 You know, I was like, it was a failure, instant failure, you know?

246
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:36,040
 So I wasn't, I knew like, no, don't stick me back into another place.

247
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,680
 I know I'm not going to last.

248
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:40,860
 And I weaned myself off at home.

249
00:13:40,860 --> 00:13:42,640
 I was okay to be at home.

250
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,120
 I had my sister and my mom helped me.

251
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:48,100
 They were feeding me, you know, glasses of alcohol.

252
00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:52,120
 It took a week, probably two by the time I could function and go to work.

253
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:55,040
 And I will never forget that last drop.

254
00:13:55,040 --> 00:14:00,160
 And I did what the doctor told me, doctor told me, go to the AA meetings where you work.

255
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,640
 So Simi Valley didn't work.

256
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:05,600
 And I went to the Valley Club, I walked in, I felt young again.

257
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:10,560
 I felt like this little ugly kid that I'm like, oh, here I go again.

258
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:11,560
 I'm going to get picked on.

259
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:12,560
 I don't know what I'm going to do.

260
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,980
 I don't know what I'm going to say.

261
00:14:13,980 --> 00:14:14,980
 Why am I here?

262
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:22,240
 I feel all this guilt and anger and stupidity and, and all these emotions that I had no

263
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:25,240
 idea what to do with and bad habits.

264
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:30,200
 And I just followed with the loudest table and I sat next to the lady, the lady said

265
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,200
 to sit down.

266
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:32,840
 I made her my sponsor.

267
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:37,980
 I did the steps and six months into doing the steps, I was like, it's quiet.

268
00:14:37,980 --> 00:14:39,080
 My head is quiet.

269
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,520
 I'm no longer craving alcohol.

270
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,420
 I was like, oh my God, this is amazing.

271
00:14:43,420 --> 00:14:44,420
 I want more.

272
00:14:44,420 --> 00:14:45,420
 I want more of this.

273
00:14:45,420 --> 00:14:46,420
 How can I get more of this?

274
00:14:46,420 --> 00:14:47,420
 Right?

275
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:48,420
 Because that's me.

276
00:14:48,420 --> 00:14:49,420
 I want more.

277
00:14:49,420 --> 00:14:55,040
 It was amazing and for the first time in my life was first time I felt gratitude and being

278
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:58,800
 grateful and something was happening that was positive in my life.

279
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:03,000
 I cried in the bathroom and I was just like, thank you.

280
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,000
 Thank you.

281
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,560
 My higher power up there.

282
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,900
 Something was carrying me all the way through to that day.

283
00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:14,000
 And I cried and I cried and I cried cause I was like, wow, this is amazing and it's working.

284
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,000
 So I stayed.

285
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,000
 I stayed.

286
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,360
 I did the steps and when I finished my steps, I said to my sponsor, I said, what am I getting

287
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:20,360
 you get to live them honey.

288
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:21,360
 That's what you get to do.

289
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,360
 I'm like, I don't get a certificate.

290
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,360
 I want a certificate.

291
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:24,360
 As I completed the 12th.

292
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:25,360
 I never got a certificate.

293
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:26,360
 I was a high school dropout.

294
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:42,040
 So it was so amazing to get the chip and she said, you can give away your chips to the

295
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,040
 newcomers.

296
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,040
 I got all my chips.

297
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,040
 I got all my medallions.

298
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:46,040
 And she's so cute.

299
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:52,920
 She thinks she did give me a little certificate saying that I completed the 12 steps.

300
00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:54,480
 It's still, it's pretty awesome.

301
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:55,920
 And I wanted more of it.

302
00:15:55,920 --> 00:16:01,640
 You know, I, after completing the steps, you know, four to five was amazing for me because

303
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,580
 I had got it first time.

304
00:16:03,580 --> 00:16:07,560
 First it was like I had let go of so much stuff that I carried with me.

305
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:12,640
 You know, that was traumatic that had no business carrying and I was so grateful I was able

306
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:13,640
 to let it go.

307
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,440
 And then you start going into your character defects.

308
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,880
 I thought I was, I thought I was nice.

309
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,920
 I thought, you know, what is this character defect thing?

310
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,520
 You know, I am able to keep a job.

311
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,840
 I'm not mean, you know.

312
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:30,160
 But I guess my facial expressions call me out a lot.

313
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,160
 And I'm very quiet.

314
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:38,200
 You know, I'm a very quiet person, alcohol and all these other things made me loud, obnoxious.

315
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:43,480
 Not me, you know, and every year that I've stayed in this program, I have far learned

316
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:48,040
 more than I ever thought I would ever learn in my entire life.

317
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:52,560
 You know, I'm hitting what, eight year, eight, eight and a half, right, eight and a half.

318
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:58,680
 And every year I learned something absolutely new that I would never think I would ever

319
00:16:58,680 --> 00:16:59,680
 go through.

320
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,280
 Last year was hardest year of my life.

321
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:07,680
 I thought living the steps and living this program and going through and confining in

322
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:13,520
 strangers, making friends, you know, going to changing, you know, a home groups from

323
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:14,700
 one to the next.

324
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,880
 And then you have to open up to these other people.

325
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:22,820
 But when I found myself at Pacoima, like I told my sponsor then, Sandy, I said, is it

326
00:17:22,820 --> 00:17:24,480
 okay if I make Pacoima my home group?

327
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:29,160
 She's like, no, Pacoima's not your home group, but it's, it's sobriety first, it's sobriety

328
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,160
 first.

329
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,160
 I said, okay.

330
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,800
 So for a couple of years, I couldn't make it my home group.

331
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:38,880
 And then finally, I think two years into it, she saw how involved we were into Pacoima.

332
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:42,520
 And I tried to do the triangle to the best of my ability.

333
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:47,440
 And she knew how much I love that those people there and they're, they were all like my group

334
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:52,920
 of people that you, for me, what works for me is that I was able to open up and no longer

335
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:59,840
 be like quiet when instead of speaking and being myself, cause that was me, I'm quiet.

336
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:00,840
 I'm in the back.

337
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,340
 I don't want to talk to anybody.

338
00:18:02,340 --> 00:18:05,720
 So going up to somebody and telling them, yes, come and join us.

339
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:06,720
 Yeah.

340
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:07,720
 We're going to come and join us.

341
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:08,720
 Go here.

342
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:09,720
 Let's go there.

343
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:10,720
 It was strange to me.

344
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:14,800
 So switching and telling my sponsor then that, you know, I'm going to make Pacoima my home

345
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:15,800
 group.

346
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:16,800
 She was like, yeah, yeah.

347
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:17,800
 You belong there.

348
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,800
 You know, she saw that I was taking vacations with these women and we were doing things

349
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:26,840
 and, and, and, you know, doing these things, you know, supporting each other and, and all

350
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:33,600
 the, all this is you get to hear these things from other women and the elders and, and,

351
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:40,000
 and the youngsters and the babies and, and, and, and you really pray that they stay, you

352
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:44,580
 know, especially when you start sponsoring, you know, I really wish that every time I

353
00:18:44,580 --> 00:18:48,760
 sponsor someone, I always pray that they stay because from the little bit of time that I've

354
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:54,200
 been here, the amount of serenity and growth and, and, and the things that I have that

355
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:59,720
 I've done, that, that I've learned within myself has brought me to who I am today, just

356
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:00,720
 for today.

357
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:06,200
 Because last year I lost my sponsor after her sponsoring me for six and a half years.

358
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:11,040
 And she was, when I first heard her speak, and I always say this, it's like, uh, she

359
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:16,240
 spoke at a hole in the sky and I, I swear the sky opened up and the sunlight hit on

360
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,680
 her and I was like, oh, she's my sponsor.

361
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:19,720
 She's going to be my sponsor.

362
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:24,440
 I knew in my heart, like great things were going to happen with this woman, you know,

363
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:31,000
 she had a way of talking to me that instilled fear and, and at the same time, uh, I opened

364
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:37,120
 up myself to her and I let her in and then in, in re in return I gained her trust and

365
00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:44,080
 in return we exchanged a numerous amount of conversations, energy, time, phone calls,

366
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:48,880
 crazy, anger, or just crazy, you know, cause sometimes this just doesn't shut off.

367
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:53,360
 You know, it doesn't and whether it be a work situation, whether it be a partner situation,

368
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:57,440
 you know, newly in a relationship that God knows, I don't even know how to function sometimes,

369
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,460
 you know, God knows I don't.

370
00:19:59,460 --> 00:20:05,080
 Sometimes I'm just like, okay, you know, like it's my longest relationship ever.

371
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:09,860
 I've only, I've only, you know, been in relationships, what, six, seven months now I'm with you for

372
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,000
 five plus years.

373
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,940
 It's like, and I don't know how I'm doing it.

374
00:20:12,940 --> 00:20:18,180
 You know, all I know is that I try and, and, and carry everything that she had taught me.

375
00:20:18,180 --> 00:20:22,400
 You know, this woman that passed away, she passed away September and her name was Sandy

376
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:23,400
 and I carried her.

377
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,400
 She's right here by the way.

378
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:25,400
 We made little urns.

379
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:30,260
 Um, this past weekend I got to memorialize her in, in Cambria where she wanted to be

380
00:20:30,260 --> 00:20:36,660
 put to rest and um, it was very healing and you know, the amount of information and, and

381
00:20:36,660 --> 00:20:42,160
 the way of living that I have today, I would have never thought that I would live in such

382
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:47,040
 peace and serenity and the things that come out of my mouth, sometimes I don't even know

383
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:51,740
 how they come out, whether it be at work or with my daughter or even with my son.

384
00:20:51,740 --> 00:20:53,180
 He communicates with me.

385
00:20:53,180 --> 00:20:56,800
 He tells me all his drama, drama with his girlfriends.

386
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,440
 You know, I'm there for him.

387
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:03,900
 You know, his mother that, that I, uh, that I gave up, his mother that was adopted him

388
00:21:03,900 --> 00:21:06,900
 passed away from cancer when he was 15.

389
00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:11,380
 So he told me that when he was, uh, at that round that right before she died, cause she

390
00:21:11,380 --> 00:21:12,380
 knew she was going to die.

391
00:21:12,380 --> 00:21:15,940
 They tried looking for me, but that's when I was unfound upon.

392
00:21:15,940 --> 00:21:17,120
 They would not be able to find me.

393
00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:18,120
 I was not around.

394
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:19,960
 I was very much in my other sickness.

395
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:24,740
 So it was a relief to know that he was looking for me too, you know, and that we were going

396
00:21:24,740 --> 00:21:27,600
 to connect, you know, and we were going to be together again.

397
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:31,460
 He comes and visits me and we have a beautiful relationship, have a beautiful relationship

398
00:21:31,460 --> 00:21:34,240
 with my daughter, have a great relationship at work.

399
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:39,560
 You know, um, I used to, you know, go crazy at work and these are all things that my sponsor

400
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,740
 Sandy, you know, uh, helped me through.

401
00:21:41,740 --> 00:21:42,740
 I listened.

402
00:21:42,740 --> 00:21:44,720
 I carried her words, you know?

403
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:48,220
 And I think that's what a sponsor is supposed to, you know, there don't, she never told

404
00:21:48,220 --> 00:21:53,600
 me what to do unless I was going crazy and you know, I had to be told what to do.

405
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:58,860
 And in that matter, I didn't mind, you know, um, I didn't mind, I didn't mind it at all.

406
00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:04,400
 Um, I always took it, you know, that she loved me and she gave me so much love, you know,

407
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:10,800
 so much love that for me, that's the hardest part in my sobriety is to have that love is

408
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:15,840
 to try and, and, and, and give it because I don't know how to receive it and giving

409
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:21,380
 it sometimes it is easier for my partner or for my friends, but like other family members,

410
00:22:21,380 --> 00:22:22,380
 maybe not.

411
00:22:22,380 --> 00:22:24,360
 So, you know, and those are things that I'm working through.

412
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:30,820
 I think this year is going to be my year to learn, um, love and, uh, tolerance, empathy,

413
00:22:30,820 --> 00:22:35,900
 and the difference between empathy and sympathy, you know, that's a big one with my new sponsor,

414
00:22:35,900 --> 00:22:41,920
 you know, having a new sponsor, my new sponsor was my, is not, was my sober sister, so it

415
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:46,000
 just made sense to make her my sponsor and, uh, it's, it's different.

416
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:51,440
 It's different when you switch, when you switch sponsors because not because you want it to,

417
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,360
 but because you know, I had to, and I was scared.

418
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,320
 I felt myself scared again after my sponsor died.

419
00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,400
 I was like, Oh my God, what am I going to do?

420
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,280
 Um, and I was like wondering who should I ask?

421
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,200
 And then she was like right in front of me.

422
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:08,800
 And I think that's my higher, my higher power always speaks to me in ways that sometimes

423
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:13,320
 I might not, I might not verbally see, but I could definitely see, right.

424
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:16,280
 I could see it and I'm aware of it.

425
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,600
 The awareness that I have today is so beautiful.

426
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:24,520
 The openness that I have today is, you know, nothing like I would have had before.

427
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:28,080
 You know, today I wake up, I have my ritual that I do.

428
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:33,480
 If I don't do those little things, my day could, you know, get off kilter and you know,

429
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,520
 I know this now because I've not done it perfect.

430
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:37,520
 Right.

431
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:38,520
 I've done, I've been lazy.

432
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:39,520
 I liked it.

433
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,000
 I like to say, I like to be in my dirty diaper sometimes.

434
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,720
 I don't want to do anything, but I know misery, right?

435
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:45,720
 I know misery.

436
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:46,720
 I know what it feels like.

437
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:47,720
 I want to isolate.

438
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:51,760
 I don't want to talk to anybody and it's nice and cozy in here.

439
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,440
 I like the dirty diaper, man.

440
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:54,440
 I don't know.

441
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:58,400
 And, but then when I, I got to, I get rid of it quick cause then, you know, I want to

442
00:23:58,400 --> 00:23:59,400
 be stinky.

443
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:00,400
 Okay.

444
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:05,440
 And, and you know, and with that, I want to thank everybody that came out to see me.

445
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:06,440
 I never do that.

446
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:10,600
 I always forget cause I get so nervous up here and I dedicate this to Sandy.

447
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,320
 I miss her and I love her every day.

448
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:18,120
 I think about her every day and, and thank you, Abraham, for inviting me and, and having

449
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:19,120
 me here.

450
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,080
 I really appreciate how it caught on me.

451
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:26,580
 I actually spoke here when I was three years sober and Sandy came to see me for the first

452
00:24:26,580 --> 00:24:31,800
 time and that was, that's when I had first asked her to be my sponsor and she sat right

453
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,920
 there but in the other building and I was so nervous too.

454
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:38,520
 So how far we've come, so thank you everybody.