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 Hi, my name is Ryan Paulie, I'm an alcoholic.

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 I'm Ryan.

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 This Friday date is 1-2-2-1-1.

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 I have a sponsor who has a sponsor, a sponsor, I got a sponsee, and he made it!

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 All right?

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 Oh, man.

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 I gotta be honest with you guys, I was digging for the bottom of the barrel here, I've been

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 very active in Alcoholics Anonymous in a number of years, so I'm gonna do my best to try to

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 share my experience, strength, and hope on what it was like, what happened, what happened,

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 and what it's like now.

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 I was born in... my old sponsor used to say, "Don't say it, don't start like that."

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 I was born in Washington in 1984.

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 I lived in probably 27 houses in my childhood, it was, I guess we're nomads, so to speak.

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 Mama was running from something, not exactly sure what it was, but eventually we landed

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 in LA County, Willing Hills area, and I had arrived.

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 I found my home, the place that I wanted to be.

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 I always felt a little bit weird growing up because I'd look around and I'd see all these

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 happy families and people, homes that were put together, and there was always chaos at

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 night.

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 There was chaos.

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 Mom always had another guy coming around and there was drinking and whatever else was going

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 on inside the house.

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 So it was funny, I was thinking about it just the other day.

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 My actual first drink, I remember husband two or three, or was it two into three, anyways.

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 Yeah, mom was married a couple of times, but I remember being here in LA and it was 4th

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 of July and they were drinking and they thought it would be cute to give kids a little shot.

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 So they gave us a shot of root beer schnapps.

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 And I'll never forget this.

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 I remember taking a shot of root beer schnapps.

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 I hadn't been like, I don't know, and something like that.

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 And the first thing that came out of my mouth after I guzzled that down was I can have more,

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 right?

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 Can have more.

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 And that's kind of how my drinking went.

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 Can I have more?

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 I identify as an alcoholic because alcohol brought me to my knees, right?

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 That's what brought me to my knees.

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 I do like the smell of health side issues and I like to see colors so I can definitely

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 identify.

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 But yeah, I remember when I was first in my first sober living walking down the street,

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 not trying to understand like, what is going on here?

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 What's happening?

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 And one of the roommates looked at me and he's like, because I was going to CAA, I was

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 going to NA, I was going to AA, I was just trying to figure out what you guys were doing,

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 what was all about, and he looked at me and he's like, Brian, every time you're doing

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 cocaine or, you know, tripping on acid or eating mushrooms or doing whatever you were

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 doing, what were you thinking about?

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 What were you thinking about the entire time you were doing other things?

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 And I started to think, I'm like, uh, he's like, I'll tell you what you're thinking about.

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 You're thinking about drinking, weren't you?

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 And I was like, no, you're right, you're right, you're right.

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 Whatever I was doing was trying to lengthen the amount of time that I could stay awake

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 and continue to drink, right?

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 That's how I got down.

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 You know, I was an atheist punk that just didn't care.

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 I had a real good time.

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 And you know, there was nothing you could do to get me to believe in anything other

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 than, you know, anarchy, right?

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 That was it.

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 Anarchy.

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 That's all I knew.

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 And, you know, growing up, it was, we had a good time and high school was a wonderful,

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 wonderful place to find anything you want, believe it or not, right?

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 Anything you wanted and I indulged, right?

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 So fast forward, you know, it got to a point where got a couple of DUIs accidentally, right?

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 You know, I tried to try to not drive or get a license because all of my friends had license

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 and they could drive and I could proceed to do whatever I wanted and not have to be responsible,

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 right?

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 I have to be responsible for my actions or activities.

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 So I got to just be a lay down drunk or whatever, right?

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 All the time.

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 And then once, as soon as I, the funniest thing, right?

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 As soon as I got a license, I just happened to get a DUI, right?

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 You know, the curb, you know, crept up on me and crashed my car and the police found

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 me and gave me a DUI.

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 So then went to a DUI class and I remember sitting there talking about all this stuff,

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 all these things about, you know, alcoholism.

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 They kind of talk a lot about that kind of stuff and the effect of drugs and alcohol

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 that it has on a person's, you know, not only mental, but physical.

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 And I remember this little old lady, she accidentally got a DUI.

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 I'm not certain what exactly what the circumstances were, or I didn't really pay attention, but

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 there was one thing that called out to me, she's like, and then there are those two that

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 are incapable of being honest with themselves and they have no remorse.

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 And I remember she's like, is there anyone like that in this room?

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 I remember raising my hand said, excuse me.

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 Yeah, I don't give a fuck.

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 That's it.

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 I just don't care.

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 I did what I did.

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 I drank what I drank.

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 I'm going to continue to drink even though I have this.

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 And I did.

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 And I did.

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 And then I promptly got a second DUI while I was in DUI class.

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 I had one more class left and then I go in there and go, Hey, you know, it's my last

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 class.

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 I got another DUI.

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 They're like, Oh, well, by the way, since you got another DUI, this is your last class.

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 It's not really going to count.

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 And now you're going to have to do an 18 month program.

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 I was like, Oh, well, it's a long time.

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 So that's a long time to commit to something, you know, the cool thing was about the DUI

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 class is that there was a bar right next door, right next door.

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 So I ran, my lady at the time was here in LA, she was going to school and so I split.

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 She was going to set up shop and, you know, I split.

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 So technically I was wanted by the police for, you know, I'm taking care of the UIs,

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 right?

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 I didn't do my community service.

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 I didn't clean my fines.

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 I took off.

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 And then over the next five years, I was basically walking on eggshells around, just make sure

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 I follow the rules, I didn't get caught by the police, right?

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 So I, I just kind of hid away and we proceeded to have, I don't know if it was fun, but we

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 definitely did a lot of things.

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 And it came down to a point where it got so bad that we had a knockdown drag out fight

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 me and her.

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 And I knew things weren't ever going to be the same, I'm not proud of it, it happened.

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 And she told me to leave and I had already been like four or five forties bold English

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 need.

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 And I knew she had, she had gone through some surgery or something, so she had some bottles

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 of pills.

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 So she had flex roll and old tramp and a bottle of flex roll and the bottle of old tramp and

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 which I've switched it down with the rest of my 40 and I'll never forget that, that feeling

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 of being completely comfortable with not being on this plane of existence any longer.

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 I'll never forget that it still gives me chills just thinking about the taste of those crunched

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 up pills as I was walking out that door knowing that I was going to perish and that was it.

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 I was no longer to be on this plane of existence.

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 And so the police found me face down at a bus stop with respiratory failure.

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 And if I just would have laid behind a dumpster, it would have been done.

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 But they they took me to Northridge Hospital and I woke up cognitive, I could my brain

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 was understanding what was happening, but my body because of the pills that I had taken

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 in the booze that I drank in, it wouldn't allow me to do anything, right.

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 So I took all my physical strength to write down my name and number because on my my band

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 is setting like Mr. John Dell or something like that.

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 And you know, I and then once I finally came to and I was able to write down some contact

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 information of my lady at the time, I realized there's cat catheters are not cool, by the

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 way, right.

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 Really, really uncomfortable.

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 Right.

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 Really, really uncomfortable.

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 I remember her asking the nerves of like, I got the sake out of me.

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 Oh, boy, she got it out of me.

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 All right.

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 I think I was a little obnoxious, more obnoxious than I am today, if you believe it or not.

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 So at that point, at that point, she's like, I don't know what you're gonna do, you can't

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 stay here.

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 So, um, you know, I had a ton of vintage video games, I grabbed a bunch of video games, went

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 to the GameStop, sold them first money for booze, right.

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 And then I proceeded to grab a was that thing sleeping bag and slept on next to the LA River.

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 And it was in the middle of January.

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 So it was very cold.

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 And I just remember drinking enough to to just warm up and just bundled up and everything

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 was going to be all right until I can figure out how to get some more money the next day.

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 Right.

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 And in the middle of the night, I remember here, you know, I got my knife in my hand,

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 right.

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 And then in the morning, I woke up, it was about 10 there was a nice guy forget his name,

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 but he came up.

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 He's like, Hey, you're homeless.

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 And I'm like, Oh, yeah, I guess you could put it that way.

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 Yeah.

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 I'm here sleeping in the LA River.

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 I guess you can call me homeless and, and he goes, all right, you're around here a little

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 bit later on my we might be able to talk about whatever.

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 So I go figure out some booze money, go get some booze.

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 And then later on in the night, it was probably like five or six right about dusk and he comes

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 in, he's like, hurry up, don't say anything, hurry up, don't, you know, and so we got gathered

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 my stuff together.

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 And he showed me this nice little tent in the bushes, right.

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 And you know, it was a commune of individuals that participated in the method means so.

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 And they're very nice gentleman, they offered me into their home and, and he looks at me

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 because she's small Chris, I drink booze he's like good more for me.

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 But then it came to a point where my little sister came down with a bunch of information

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 and a recovery woman like Salvation Army.

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 The other one was like a real house and she lives in Fresno.

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 So she came down, she heard what had happened to me and where it was.

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 And she says, Ryan, what are you gonna do?

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 I'm like, I know I'm fine.

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 I got this nice place these guys I'm hanging out with and we're good.

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 And she's like, how are you gonna live like this?

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 I'm like, yeah, it's fine.

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 She gave me a box of leftover Chinese food and I remember saying, here's information

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 that I found for you maybe should I I'll take you right now, you know, my dollar.

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 She's like salvation army.

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 I'm like, is there a God there?

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 She's like, yeah, mandatory Bible studies.

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 I'm like, nope, there's no way but absolutely not.

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 And she's like, What about this cover your house in my eye and I'll think about it.

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 And then I remember going down back to the LA where my box leftover Chinese food and

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 didn't have a fork and how dare she not give me.

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 I need for don't you know, and I remember the great beautiful sunset, I'm sitting there

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 box of leftover Chinese food eating it with my face ball and just what I'm gonna do and

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 I had a moment of clarity, a moment of clarity that I cannot live this way any longer.

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 So I broke it and broke the news to the nice gentleman say, Hey, listen, I'm I'm probably

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 not going to be around anymore.

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 I'm going to go try to get sober and they're like, Oh, well, you know, I get ISS on the

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 first month come back we'll party like no problem.

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 So I decided to ditch the spot and gather my belongings and go to this cabrillo house

199
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 situation and remember there's the house cook at the time the assistant manager his name

200
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 is James.

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 He was laying out the rules and I was listening to all these rules and don't you know who

202
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 I am?

203
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 I don't have to do anything anyone has to say but I got nowhere else to go and that

204
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 carne asada smell pretty good and I'm pretty hungry.

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 So I was like, alright, whatever you say, I'll do whatever you say that I know what

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 happens right and literally have nothing else and and that's how my journey started my little

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 sister basically saved my life by providing me the information and taking the effort and

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 showing me that she cared about my well being and what my future may look like.

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 So then I started doing the deal and then part of that that responsibility was obviously

210
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 get a job pay your your part and go to meetings and get a sponsor and do the steps what an

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 order I can't go through with it right.

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 But I did it right and I started hanging out with the boys and we started running around

213
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 to see an AAA all the A's and trying to figure out I was trying to figure out where I belong

214
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 because I didn't know how to identify but then what was really attractive is that I

215
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 came to I came to the realization that I wanted to stick with the winners want to stick with

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 the winners and I found a plethora of Men's Stags and I primarily went to Men's Stags

217
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 primarily went to Men's Stags because these guys had jobs they had wives they had cars

218
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 they had businesses they had answers for problems that I didn't know how to solve or have problems

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 for and I just didn't know what they were talking about but I knew that they were living

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 good lives and I wanted to be like them I wanted to hang out with the Rockstones I wanted

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 to be with the winners right because I saw probably during my tenure at the Cabrito house

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 you know 60 70 guys come and go and only six of them graduated finished the six month stay

223
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 and then stayed sober so it was like I learned real quick to like maybe it was a good thing

224
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 maybe it was a bad thing but I kept people at an arm's length I'm like you stick around

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 get a commitment start doing things around here maybe maybe we could become friends and

226
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 like I'll be friendly with you but it's like you want to ride with me we're gonna go and

227
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 do it and this is what I do come see what I'm into right so I would go to Stags to Sobriety

228
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 Frank Kelly and then I go to you know learning to live I go to USR I go to at the time my

229
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 sponsor I'll backtrack when I first picked up my sponsor I had one sponsor and then all

230
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 of a sudden he called me up and he was like hey Ryan you're gonna have to find another

231
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 sponsor I got I got like an itch in my vein or something like that so I can't be your

232
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 sponsor anymore I didn't understand at the time but you know all of a sudden later on

233
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 I found that he was in a detox facility when he gave me that call so I was like all right

234
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 maybe I understand what that itch in the vein was afterwards but that day I was like I knew

235
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 I had to get a sponsor in order to stay in the place and I didn't want to break the rules

236
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 I was the golden boy I was following the rules I was a prime example and I wanted to you

237
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 know look good you know cuz I was having a lot of fun and I was hanging out with a lot

238
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 of boys and we're playing games every now and she said I was having fun if this shit

239
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 wasn't fun I would not be here right and I was having a ton of fun I am the games master

240
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 and I remember there's one of the the guy that is still in contact with I remember him

241
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 sitting on the bed of the moon board I said what did you say no I'm bored I don't mind

242
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 don't you ever say that around me ever again I go get up get to the table let me show you

243
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 something and there's like let me smoke a cigarette I'll be waiting at the table so

244
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 I shown him critics and I proceeded to smash his face into the ground playing critic and

245
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 he was so mad that he couldn't beat me that he couldn't stop playing until he could beat

246
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 me right there's two different players that I have I either have people that never want

247
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 to play a game with me again because I'm just that good or you will not stop playing with

248
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 me until you beat me right so either way you know that that was my get down and I got all

249
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 the boys together and we did that so yeah so that Sunday night it happened to be that

250
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 this guy used to he'd only come every other week and he just happened to show up and I

251
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:29,440
 remember thinking about two different individuals it was this guy and another guy and they were

252
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 talking next to each other to different individuals and I remember this guy kind of like talking

253
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 a newcomer and then this guy was kind of listening to the newcomer and I found that attractive

254
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 so I came up to him I said I need a sponsor to be my sponsor and he was just like sitting

255
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 there on the on the side of the wall smoking a cigarette he's like well I'm trying to be

256
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 out I'm like man I got like 60 days he's like willing to go any length to stay sober I'm

257
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 like yeah I'll do that and he's like all right what do you do uh Tuesday night so I'm like

258
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 I got this uh you know I got this meeting over here he's like no you're not you're gonna

259
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 go to this meeting on Tuesday nights okay I'll go to your meeting he's like what do

260
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 you do Thursday nights I go well I got this MA commitment at this meeting um you know

261
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 but I can blow that off and go to your meeting he's like no you're not you're gonna finish

262
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 that commitment of its term and then you're allowed to come to my home group the unity

263
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 service and recovery group what I'll do that and uh he goes what do you do Friday nights

264
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 I'm like I don't I kind of go here and there he's like well you know you gotta we go to

265
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 mason lassen as a group so why don't you come to mason lassen and if you can't get there

266
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 I'll pick you up and I go he's like dress nice I'm like what suit and tie he's like

267
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 no no just don't be a scumbag he's like oh I'm gonna see me last night um and uh and

268
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 then he just said don't lie to me I don't want to hear anything about women and this

269
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 is what you're here I want you to call me every day he's like you pick the time but

270
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 you come every day at that time and that man his name was Tony Tony Grossi and um he was

271
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 an absolute rock star stud he was everywhere he did everything he showed me exactly what

272
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 it took to to stay sober and to share this with another man to achieve sobriety so it

273
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 was it was such a wonderful experience being with him um you know we went to central office

274
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 and answered phones we would go to like the Windsor club or whenever U.S.R. was asked

275
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 to speak at a a gathering like a Al Capone or whatever and um we just ran around and

276
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 we just had a good time and he just showed me the way and you know I had nowhere to go

277
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 on Thanksgiving I'd go to his house for Thanksgiving dinner you know and he showed me how to be

278
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 uh be helpful in a in a socially awkward situation it's socially awkward for me because I don't

279
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 want to behave and he just kind of showed me how to be be a regular guy right and um

280
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 took me through the steps and he showed me how to pass it on and um now I I had commitments

281
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 at every meeting and I was doing everything that I could I was so excited about this I

282
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 mean I got to a point where I was so excited that that Tuesday night meeting there was

283
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 a couple of things that I saw that they were missing I was like man this could be the greatest

284
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 meeting in the valley however I've been going to general service and you guys ain't doing

285
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 it right this is what's going to happen I'm going to get a GSR commitment here we're going

286
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 to start donating to central office and we're going to start donating to uh to New York

287
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 and you don't have an intergroup rep and uh and we're going to start answering phones

288
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 at central office you do those things and you will be the greatest meeting in the valley

289
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 and those old timers are really all stupid but I annoyed them for so long I said look

290
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 I'll do the GSR and intergroup commitment for a year simultaneously and then we'll pass

291
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 it on see if it works out and uh and I I made a deal with the central office I'm like look

292
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 got a time slot one Sunday all I'm asking for is one Sunday show up and uh and I got

293
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 him the commitment and um at a certain point um everything was going well I found a nice

294
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 lady and um you know she was a normie she could put down a a cocktail halfway and just

295
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 leave it right it's like I don't get that once I start I can't stop and there's nothing

296
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 you can do to stop me until I'm based down in the gutter right and that's that so it

297
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:26,200
 just didn't make sense so she was real attractive to me and you know I was able to um propose

298
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 to her in a very special magical way um and uh and then we got married right then we got

299
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 married um and I advanced in my career right I was I was sorry I was a telemarketer then

300
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 I became a dispatch manager at a conditioning company and then I realized that I wanted

301
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 to do better monetarily so uh the owner didn't see it that way she's like well no you make

302
00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:57,600
 too much money you need to make less money I said well that's not really what I'm interested

303
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 in right now and I don't think that's going to happen so then I uh I cried about it my

304
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:08,760
 USR men's group hi my job these guys want to pick up this money and then there was this

305
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:14,400
 guy that said hey I'll give you a shot I'll put you out there and you know I ran and I

306
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:20,560
 gave it my best right I gave it I gave it my best and it was it was awkward and it was

307
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:27,360
 uncomfortable but it was okay then shortly thereafter I um I was presented because none

308
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:33,400
 of the the guys at the heating air conditioning companies would give me an opportunity to

309
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 to actually go out there and and learn um I was presented an opportunity to go and give

310
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 it a shot so I I politely asked uh the gentleman to allow me to move on uh as much as it broke

311
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 my heart because he gave me a shot um but I I wanted to I wanted to give it a try right

312
00:21:54,540 --> 00:22:00,160
 so I gave it a try and I was doing okay it wasn't amazing I was okay um and then I figured

313
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:07,520
 out that they couldn't pay on time I'm like well America you gotta pay on time so and

314
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:12,080
 uh I moved on to that last the the first company that wouldn't give me a shot they just looked

315
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:15,520
 at him I said hey I've been out here selling I've been doing this thing I've been making

316
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:20,840
 it happen um give me a shot and if you ain't gonna give me a shot someone will what do

317
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,880
 you want to do and they're like well I guess we can give you a shot I'm like and the only

318
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:30,840
 reason why I'm coming to you guys is because I know you pay on time that's it right because

319
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 I did it on time so I did it so then I started to you know learn and grow and get better

320
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 at at what I do and and then they even started doing goofy things with the money so I was

321
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:51,780
 like hey maybe I need to figure out something else so during that time um my meetings depreciated

322
00:22:51,780 --> 00:22:57,720
 uh because I was busy running around middle of summer and and uh long hours so I had to

323
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 sacrifice uh some of the meetings that I was going to and then those meetings that I was

324
00:23:04,260 --> 00:23:10,000
 going to I I had like three or four meetings um instead of like seven meetings a week it

325
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:14,840
 was three or four meetings um and I also wanted to spend time with the with the lady too because

326
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 I thought it would be fair I can't devote everything they have to devote a little bit

327
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 of time to her to make sure that she's getting what she needs um then I started getting a

328
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:32,620
 resentment um after my sponsor died uh things started started to change and it wasn't the

329
00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:38,560
 same people weren't doing the things that that was attractive to me at first and and

330
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 I was trying to promote and get uh people to do those things and collectively get together

331
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 and I wanted to to be the way that it was when I first got there and it just wasn't

332
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:56,240
 I was I was mad I was mad so um I I effectively finished all my commitments and I kind of

333
00:23:56,240 --> 00:24:00,120
 took off I didn't come back it was around covid it was around covid when it was like

334
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:04,440
 it was like a clean break I'm like okay there's no more bees I'm gonna come back right that's

335
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:09,020
 it all my commitments are done and um I didn't right what Alcoholics Anonymous taught me

336
00:24:09,020 --> 00:24:15,440
 was how to be consistent and think the tape through um I put in so much work I built up

337
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:21,640
 such an account in my spiritual bank that I thought that I was going to be okay I was

338
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:27,920
 going to be okay and for a time it was um I I went through uh a series of unfortunate

339
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:39,200
 events through the covid time where my wife broke the trust and my as much as it breaks

340
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:46,560
 my heart uh my opinions on her had changed she had developed not just a cute little drinking

341
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:52,740
 thing it was a pretty serious like hey you're doing some gnarly stuff in the house drugs

342
00:24:52,740 --> 00:25:00,040
 and alcohol right and um she broke my trust and and from not really um it never really

343
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:05,920
 was the same in there I don't know if I ever really truly forgave her um and how dare you

344
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:11,440
 I gave you everything my whole heart all of my money just and it's like I I just couldn't

345
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:16,560
 understand why you would do that to me and you know there was no physical violence no

346
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:23,840
 uh nothing nefarious on my part of I just wanted her to be happy and I don't know if

347
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:29,020
 she took advantage or she just didn't know what to do or she developed these these addictions

348
00:25:29,020 --> 00:25:36,480
 and there's there's there's nothing I could do to to make those feelings go away um and

349
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:40,760
 fast forward you know we went through marriage counseling and this and that and and I tried

350
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:48,960
 to hold on uh to my feelings as close as possible and I didn't really dissolve them um and I

351
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:55,920
 I essentially you know we would get into arguments and I would just tell her say hey if you don't

352
00:25:55,920 --> 00:26:01,480
 like it kick rocks right beat it you know I'm giving you everything that I can paying

353
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:07,400
 for everything what else do you want from me right um my part is is I probably didn't

354
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:13,640
 provide as much emotional support as I could have but um just recently she left right she

355
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:18,880
 left and um as I said it one more time you know if you don't like it kick rocks beat

356
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:24,200
 it fuck you and it's not the right thing to do you know and I've been I've been back probably

357
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:30,560
 about 14 days I mean 14 meetings in 14 days um day number three this nice gentleman came

358
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:35,900
 up and asked me if he texted me texting me if I show him what this whole big book thing

359
00:26:35,900 --> 00:26:41,040
 was all about all right I'm like all right well I haven't talked to my sponsor in like

360
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:46,640
 eight years so I probably should talk to my sponsor and then I was talking to a gentleman

361
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:53,580
 before the meeting on that Thursday before I belted out my all of my sorrows um and uh

362
00:26:53,580 --> 00:26:58,360
 after talk to him like face to face and personally there was a lot of similarities of the things

363
00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:03,320
 that I was going through currently right now um and I I just asked him I was like hey look

364
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:08,080
 I I can't sponsor someone if I don't have a sponsor that is not a good example right

365
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:13,360
 I have a sponsor I haven't talked to him but now my old sponsor is my my grand sponsor

366
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:18,640
 right so now I got a sponsor who has a sponsor who has a spot grand sponsor and a great grand

367
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:23,800
 sponsor right so and that's the way I like it right there is a lineage associated um

368
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:30,800
 right now it's I'm going through it it's tough I wake up in absolute pain and despair it's

369
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:37,400
 absolutely devastating I want things to work out so badly I want things to work out so

370
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:42,760
 badly and I don't know if it's gonna get better I just don't know but I have my finances in

371
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:48,240
 order I I make reasonable enough money to accommodate for my needs but the most important

372
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:53,320
 thing is that two weeks ago when I was sitting there with that decision of like well what

373
00:27:53,320 --> 00:28:00,680
 am I gonna do to to resolve my financial situation um I have the pistol in my hand and then I

374
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:05,440
 realized that there's no bullets and I have to put in effort to go bible is to actually

375
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:10,720
 do the thing I'm like well that's a pain in the ass and um then I'm sitting there thinking

376
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:15,120
 I'm like well you know she wants a drinking partner it'd probably be a good idea to just

377
00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:19,820
 start drinking then she'll have someone she could party with right all a good time and

378
00:28:19,820 --> 00:28:24,720
 and then as soon as that thought crossed my mind like Ryan you stupid son of a bitch just

379
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:34,840
 get up go to the Valley Club and and just go but it doesn't matter so I am I don't see

380
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:40,040
 anything to anyone and then I quickly realized that I had more time than everyone combined

381
00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:45,200
 in that room and I was like you guys don't have what I have I know what I need to do

382
00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:51,960
 so I started making phone calls I have a lot of of contacts and and guys that I've worked

383
00:28:51,960 --> 00:29:00,040
 with in the past and my life got so full so fast in this two weeks where have I been and

384
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:05,840
 why did I let it go I am such a fool I am such a fool I didn't have to go through this

385
00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:12,720
 pain I could have done a lot of things um now I'm here tonight speaking to all you wonderful

386
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:17,240
 people my buddy Ari he told me he's like make sure you take a picture of everyone so I can

387
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:23,320
 make sure that I know who is there all right to support you yeah I'll tell him all right

388
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:28,800
 in spirit of anonymity I want to do that all right but um my time is just about up probably

389
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:34,560
 a little bit over up but the one thing that I can say is you know find a god of your own

390
00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:40,800
 understanding that will solve your problems it started off as a group of drunks god the

391
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:45,760
 thing that I hung on to was the gift of desperation I'm so desperate not to go back to the way

392
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:50,840
 I used to live that I would do whatever you guys did you know and I was following the

393
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:56,280
 guys around and I learned how to be consistent show up and do what I say I'm gonna do and

394
00:29:56,280 --> 00:30:01,080
 and today the best thing that I have today is I I'm I'm one of the rats in the rat race

395
00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:05,360
 ra double t double s regular asshole trying to stay sober thanks guys