1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,120 - Hi everybody, my name's Grapinder, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:02,960 You guys see me okay? 3 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:04,000 Are they seeing me okay on camera? 4 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,200 I feel like my head's cut off, but that's okay. 5 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:10,080 I don't have any hair, so it hides my balding head. 6 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,000 Hi everybody, I'm Grapinder, I'm an alcoholic. 7 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:15,120 My sobriety date is February 15th, 2013. 8 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:17,160 I just turned 13 years clean and sober. 9 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,680 I'm really happy to be here. 10 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,520 I'm really grateful to be sober. 11 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:22,840 It's nice to meet all of you guys. 12 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,360 There's a couple of familiar faces here. 13 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:26,380 I've got some good friends with me as well. 14 00:00:26,380 --> 00:00:29,160 Abraham, thank you so much for calling on me to come out 15 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:31,120 and share my experience, strength, and hope with you guys. 16 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:33,060 It's an honor to be here. 17 00:00:33,060 --> 00:00:36,000 It's always such a butterfly feeling in my gut 18 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,400 when someone asks you to come and share at a meeting. 19 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,080 For whatever reason, maybe they heard you share 20 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:41,480 or something like that at another meeting 21 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:42,680 and they want you to come out 22 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:45,080 and share a little bit of that vibe with them. 23 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:47,480 I love being in this AA living room. 24 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:48,880 This is super awesome. 25 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,720 This reminds you of being at my aunt's house or something. 26 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:55,320 And there's a full on AA meeting going on 27 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,200 in the middle of the living room 28 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,760 with carpet and sofas and coffee 29 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,200 and everybody just kind of hanging out. 30 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:02,760 And that's just what really Alcoholics Anonymous 31 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,600 really is at the end of the day. 32 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:06,200 It's one alcoholic talking to another. 33 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,160 And Maria, thank you so much for your lead. 34 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,320 It was really, really good to hear you. 35 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:13,320 I think that I can relate so much to your story. 36 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,680 I was probably very similar to you 37 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:18,000 and where I was at nine months of recovery. 38 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:21,120 So yeah, it's been a journey. 39 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:21,960 It's been a trip. 40 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,360 It's been extraordinary. 41 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,380 It took a lot for me to get here. 42 00:01:25,380 --> 00:01:28,960 And when I say here, I mean like on the other side 43 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:31,400 which is a place that I never thought I was ever gonna be. 44 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,360 I never thought it was something 45 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:33,300 that I was gonna be able to do. 46 00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:36,040 While I was going in and out of rehab and treatment centers 47 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:37,820 and they would take us in the druggy buggy 48 00:01:37,820 --> 00:01:39,440 and they would take us off to meetings and stuff. 49 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,500 And I would experience Alcoholics Anonymous, 50 00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:43,580 Narcotics Anonymous and all the different AA meetings, 51 00:01:43,580 --> 00:01:44,600 12 step meetings. 52 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:47,760 I didn't know really that I would ever be able 53 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:50,080 to have long-term sobriety. 54 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:52,200 I was at that point really just used to having 55 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:56,580 30, 60, 90 days, 30, 60, 90 days, 30, 60, 90 days. 56 00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:57,780 That was just kind of like my vibe. 57 00:01:57,780 --> 00:01:59,360 That was just kind of a thing that was going on. 58 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,440 And I think in looking back now I realize 59 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,640 that I didn't really understand what the program was. 60 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:05,960 I didn't have faith in the loving God 61 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,440 and I didn't understand what the 12 steps 62 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:08,660 of Alcoholics Anonymous was. 63 00:02:08,660 --> 00:02:11,280 I didn't understand what it meant to be sober. 64 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:14,760 I didn't know what it meant to have quality of life again. 65 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,720 And so I didn't have a good, I'm gonna say it again. 66 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,680 I didn't have a good quality of life until I got sober. 67 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,740 It didn't happen until I got clean and sober. 68 00:02:21,740 --> 00:02:25,000 Regardless of all the fantasies and whatever was real 69 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,880 or imagined while I was out there drinking and using, 70 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,520 like none of it was quality anything. 71 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,160 There was no substance to really anything 72 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,320 that was going on in my life before I got sober 73 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,840 and before I put it down all the way 74 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:38,080 and before I sat down, you know what I'm saying? 75 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:41,120 And some people will say took my wig off, you know? 76 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:43,120 Like it wasn't until that happened 77 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,260 that my life changed extraordinarily, you know? 78 00:02:45,260 --> 00:02:46,900 And it took what it took. 79 00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:48,920 I'm so grateful to be sober. 80 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:51,120 I'm so grateful to be clean and sober. 81 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:54,240 And I say that because drugs are also a part of my story, 82 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:55,920 and I will share a little bit about that. 83 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:58,520 I'll be very light about it because I believe that 84 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:00,000 I can share about it in a general way 85 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,680 because I think it's the easier, softer way 86 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,180 and I don't wanna trigger anybody 87 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:05,940 or get anything going for anyone else either. 88 00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:08,420 It sounds and looks like I got a long talk ahead of me, 89 00:03:08,420 --> 00:03:10,800 so I'm gonna probably get into it now. 90 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,360 So okay, I'm 48 years old. 91 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,000 I'm gonna be 49 this year, which is a freaking miracle 92 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,800 'cause I didn't think I was gonna live past 30 years old. 93 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,160 I never thought that I would make it that far, honestly, 94 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,320 'cause I was like a hope to die drug addict alcoholic. 95 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,200 Like it was just, I was going out with a bang. 96 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,400 That was just going to be a part of my story. 97 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,720 And so I grew up in England. 98 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:33,640 My parents moved to England in the late '60s, 99 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,380 and they had me and my sisters. 100 00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:36,460 My dad was a mechanic. 101 00:03:36,460 --> 00:03:38,960 He worked for Jaguar, or Jaguar, okay? 102 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,080 He worked for Jaguar. 103 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,440 And my mother was a school teacher, 104 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,380 but before she became a school teacher, 105 00:03:43,380 --> 00:03:45,540 she was at home and she sold, while my dad would work, 106 00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:48,500 she sold Avon, and she also sold Tupperware. 107 00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:50,440 So all the ladies used to come over to our house 108 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:53,280 with all their little kids and they would all kiki, right? 109 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,760 They would all kiki and sell like whatever it was. 110 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,000 And my mother was like selling stuff. 111 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,720 And there was always like snacks and treats 112 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:00,460 and cookies and chips and cakes 113 00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:02,540 and all different kinds of cute little things going on. 114 00:04:02,540 --> 00:04:04,620 And I like made friends with the neighborhood kids. 115 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,060 And I grew up in a town in England, 116 00:04:06,060 --> 00:04:08,420 which is about two and a half miles away, 117 00:04:08,420 --> 00:04:11,400 two and a half hours drive from London North 118 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,780 into the very center of Midlands, which is not, 119 00:04:13,780 --> 00:04:15,440 at that time, there were not a lot of Indian people 120 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:16,880 in that neighborhood. 121 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:19,800 So yeah, I'm Indian if you were wondering what it was. 122 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,040 There's a huge East Indian community in England. 123 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,600 And so my parents were kind of like about 124 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,560 of that whole dysphoria that had come over there. 125 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:31,400 And so, yeah, my parents spoke several languages. 126 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,760 They spoke English fluently with a British accent. 127 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:36,960 They, you know, they spoke our native tongue, 128 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,240 which is an Indian language. 129 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,000 They spoke several Indian languages, 130 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,400 but they were both born and raised in East Africa, Kenya. 131 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,120 So they actually spoke Swahili as well. 132 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:46,000 So in my house, when I was growing up, 133 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,340 there were several languages being spoken all the time. 134 00:04:48,340 --> 00:04:50,560 In fact, when my mother would refer to her broom, 135 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:51,960 she would probably use a Swahili word. 136 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,120 If she referred to the sofa, 137 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:54,600 she'd probably use an Indian word. 138 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:55,740 If she referred to a banana, 139 00:04:55,740 --> 00:04:57,280 she'd probably use a Swahili word. 140 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:58,440 And if she referred to the door, 141 00:04:58,440 --> 00:04:59,720 she'd probably use an Indian word. 142 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,600 So there was a mishmosh of everything. 143 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,160 And in my house growing up, believe it or not, 144 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,400 my first language was not English, it was Punjabi. 145 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,960 And I wasn't allowed to speak English at home 146 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,680 in the very kind of like formative years of my life. 147 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,040 'Cause I went to a British school 148 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,480 and I spoke English all day long, 149 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:14,960 learned how to read and write in English. 150 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,200 But when we came home, we had to speak the language 151 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:18,240 and we had to eat the food. 152 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:20,040 And it got really, really annoying. 153 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,760 I remember just being so ungrateful as a little kid. 154 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:24,680 My mother would make okra and eggplant 155 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,840 and all these weird and exotic vegetables. 156 00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:29,160 And I was just like, what is this life? 157 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:30,400 I mean, it was literally torture. 158 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,400 I felt like they were doing it on purpose 159 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,460 and that they were all coming for me 160 00:05:33,460 --> 00:05:35,000 from the very beginning. 161 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,160 I didn't understand why it was that they would make us eat. 162 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:38,240 And my mother was really strict. 163 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,520 And so she would make us sit there 164 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,120 and finish everything that was on our plate. 165 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,200 Like I wasn't allowed to leave 166 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:44,840 until I finished what they had put on the plate. 167 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:47,240 Because don't you know, dad was really hardworking. 168 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:50,500 And I never really felt like I ever had a struggle. 169 00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:51,800 I never needed anything. 170 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,820 I never missed anything in my childhood. 171 00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:55,400 Everything was always provided for. 172 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,720 In fact, when we were growing up, my sisters, 173 00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,120 I had three sisters and that was me, 174 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,840 and all of their clothes were basically made by my mother. 175 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:03,680 My mother made clothes. 176 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,800 She was able to sew and she was very hands-on, 177 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:06,720 very constructive. 178 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,200 She learned how to sew as a young kid. 179 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,960 She made a lot of the things for my sisters. 180 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,080 And for me, I got a lot of things ordered out of a catalog 181 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,120 for whatever reason, 'cause I was a boy. 182 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,460 So from the very get-go, 183 00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:19,080 I was kind of already treated differently. 184 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:22,920 Yet in my head, I didn't think that for myself at all. 185 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,280 It was from the very get-go. 186 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:25,120 It was all of that stuff. 187 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:26,620 My dad was really not around very much, 188 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,000 but he was very loving, very caring, very sweet. 189 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,400 Basically my point to tell you 190 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:32,840 is that my parents were super fricking awesome. 191 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:33,960 They were so kind. 192 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,320 They were very cuddly. 193 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,020 They were very affectionate with us. 194 00:06:38,020 --> 00:06:39,200 They taught us about the world. 195 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,400 They taught us about food 196 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,960 and they taught us about different countries. 197 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,120 And they taught us about different nationalities. 198 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:47,000 And they explained how everybody's equal 199 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,000 and we should always respect other people, 200 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,000 especially our elders. 201 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,480 I mean, I grew up with so much of this 202 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,400 and so much culture and Indian richness and religion 203 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:55,720 and all those different sorts of things. 204 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:59,400 And so it was really, really a fantastic childhood actually. 205 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:02,780 And then, long story short, 206 00:07:02,780 --> 00:07:05,200 it was really, really good for a really long time. 207 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,340 And then when I turned nine years old, 208 00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:08,800 my mother was killed in a car accident. 209 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,760 And I don't really like to put that out there 210 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:11,960 and say that very much anymore 211 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,540 because that used to be my big sob story 212 00:07:13,540 --> 00:07:15,400 'cause don't you know, my mother passed away. 213 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,400 Like that was a big part of one of the things 214 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,400 that kind of really fueled a lot of my alcoholism, 215 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:20,820 my drug addiction and my running. 216 00:07:20,820 --> 00:07:21,840 Okay, and I say running 217 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,840 because that's kind of what we do as alcoholics as well. 218 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:24,680 We run. 219 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,600 And like my whole thing when I first finally 220 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:27,560 was starting to come into the room, 221 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:28,880 so I had a sponsor that was telling me 222 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,480 like don't drink, don't use, don't run. 223 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:31,980 Those were, that was like my mantra. 224 00:07:31,980 --> 00:07:33,580 Don't drink, don't use, don't run. 225 00:07:33,580 --> 00:07:35,440 Those were the things that they told me. 226 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:38,840 And so, yeah, I mean, it all of a sudden overnight changed. 227 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,320 My life turned, you know, for the worst is what it felt like 228 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,920 at the time, but my dad had four small children. 229 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:44,980 There was me and my three sisters. 230 00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:45,880 We were very, very young. 231 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,400 I think my oldest sister was 13 232 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,320 and my youngest sister was five. 233 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:50,140 I was nine. 234 00:07:50,140 --> 00:07:51,160 I had another sister that was 11. 235 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,160 So it was a very, very tough time for my dad. 236 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,960 And you know, culturally, what they do is 237 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,320 they just kind of try to pick up and carry on. 238 00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,720 And so my dad was encouraged to kind of find another woman 239 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:00,760 and get married right away. 240 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,160 And so at the time, I think that he was trying 241 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,040 to halt the situation by saying, 242 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,600 why don't I let the, let me take the kids on vacation? 243 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:08,800 And we ended up coming to LA. 244 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,480 My mother's sister lived here and we came here, 245 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,160 my dad's like, I'm gonna take you guys to Disneyland. 246 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,680 We're gonna go to Universal Studios. 247 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,000 We'll go to San Diego. 248 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:16,960 We'll check out Long Beach. 249 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,360 Like there was all these cool things, you know, 250 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,520 as cool little Brit kids, you know, growing up, 251 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,040 if you can only imagine, it's freezing cold 252 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,580 and chilly and rainy most of the time, dark and dank, 253 00:08:24,580 --> 00:08:25,920 kind of like Seattle, I think. 254 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,400 And I grew up, like we had snow days. 255 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:29,280 We would get snowed in. 256 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:30,880 There would be days that we couldn't go to school. 257 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,040 There would be maybe a week or two 258 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:32,880 where we couldn't go to school 259 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:33,800 'cause there was so much snow. 260 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:34,880 And all of a sudden we come here 261 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,560 and there's palm trees and Santa Monica 262 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:41,600 and the pier and corn dogs and tacos, 263 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:42,440 which I had never seen. 264 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,080 I'd never seen any of those things in my life. 265 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:45,800 And I was like, I was like nine years, 266 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,120 10 years old the first time I came here. 267 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,400 I'd never seen any of that stuff 268 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:50,400 because just culturally it just wasn't there 269 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:51,240 where I was at. 270 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:52,200 I mean, I grew up with like fish and chips 271 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,220 and all that other stuff. 272 00:08:53,220 --> 00:08:54,720 So we came here and it was just, 273 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:58,840 it was so eye-opening and so exciting for a young kid. 274 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:01,200 And it really did take our minds off of a lot 275 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,280 of what was going on and had happened. 276 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:04,680 And so at the time, my dad, 277 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:05,840 we were hanging out with my aunt. 278 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,840 My aunt had a best friend and she and my dad 279 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:08,680 started hooking up. 280 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,460 So they started hooking up. 281 00:09:10,460 --> 00:09:12,400 And I, all of a sudden one day, 282 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,820 while we were here on our trip out of nowhere, 283 00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:17,440 my aunt, not my dad, my aunt sat us kids down 284 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,480 and said, your dad is getting married tomorrow. 285 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:21,520 And all of a sudden we were like, 286 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,600 all of a sudden I immediately was like, how dare he? 287 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,360 Right away, I mean, I had an opinion. 288 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,340 I wanted to say something about the situation. 289 00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:30,920 And I immediately, that was kind of like the beginning 290 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,360 of when I started really fighting 291 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:33,620 and going against the grain of everything 292 00:09:33,620 --> 00:09:34,720 'cause everything up to that point 293 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:36,320 I just didn't want to deal with because it was hard. 294 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:37,720 It was really, really hard to deal with all that stuff 295 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:38,540 as a kid. 296 00:09:38,540 --> 00:09:40,080 And so they ended up getting married 297 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,560 and all of a sudden we were now the Brady Bunch. 298 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,440 My stepmother had two daughters 299 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:44,560 and I already have three sisters. 300 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,400 So I now have five sisters and there's me. 301 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,300 So I'm the only boy and we ended up kind of getting along. 302 00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:52,080 We were all like this, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19. 303 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,320 Like we were all in a row. 304 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:54,160 Actually, I take that back. 305 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,720 We were like eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13. 306 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,540 And it just kept like, we just pivoted just like that. 307 00:09:59,540 --> 00:10:02,540 It's one by one by one by one, we all became 18 and so on. 308 00:10:02,540 --> 00:10:05,840 And I ended up leaving home when I was about 17. 309 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:10,000 I remember I had a really close friend of mine 310 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,160 that paid for my cap and gown for high school. 311 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,340 I had a cousin that ended up paying for my prom. 312 00:10:14,340 --> 00:10:16,140 I went to prom in 11th grade. 313 00:10:16,140 --> 00:10:19,180 I didn't get much support from my parents very much at all. 314 00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:21,800 I also was struggling with my sexuality as a kid. 315 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:25,400 I had a lot of shame behind that as a kid as well. 316 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,960 Being the only boy in a family of all girls, 317 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,460 why am I not like a straight man and all that other stuff 318 00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:31,460 and all that stuff was going on. 319 00:10:31,460 --> 00:10:35,040 And so in high school is where I started drinking and using. 320 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:36,920 Because after drama class, we would 321 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,520 have rehearsals that would go on to like 10, 11 o'clock at night 322 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,780 and someone always had a bottle and someone always had a joint. 323 00:10:41,780 --> 00:10:43,280 And I went to high school right here 324 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,480 in the Valley, at Monroe High School in the Valley 325 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:46,520 here in North Hills. 326 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,680 And it was on and cracking. 327 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:53,200 I started going to rave parties in 1992, 1991. 328 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,680 We were driving out to the desert. 329 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,540 We'd end up partying for like days on end. 330 00:10:56,540 --> 00:10:58,440 And I just didn't want the party to stop. 331 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,840 I had never really been on any kind of significant kind 332 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,440 of like academic trajectory at that point. 333 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:04,720 My life was pretty shaken up. 334 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,640 I didn't really have the stability in my life. 335 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,480 I didn't have parents kind of shoving school 336 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:09,780 down my throat anymore. 337 00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:13,140 And so I just kind of went off the rails from the very get go. 338 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,160 I was ready to go hard. 339 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,380 I started doing a lot of psychedelic drugs. 340 00:11:16,380 --> 00:11:20,560 I did a lot of LSD, a lot of mescaline, a lot of MDMA, 341 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:22,840 a lot of ecstasy, a lot of speed. 342 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:23,880 I smoked a lot of pot. 343 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:26,220 That was a regular situation for me. 344 00:11:26,220 --> 00:11:29,680 I drank every weekend, if not almost every other day. 345 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:31,640 I was hanging out with kids that were 346 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,960 my age that wanted to do the same thing that I was doing. 347 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,600 At the time in the valley, you could get your hands 348 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:36,680 on just about anything. 349 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:37,760 And there was always somewhere to go. 350 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,520 Someone always had a car to get you out of town 351 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:40,400 and get you out of a place. 352 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,440 And that's just kind of how it kicked off for me. 353 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:46,640 And long story short, I worked jobs. 354 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:47,220 I had jobs. 355 00:11:47,220 --> 00:11:48,040 I lost jobs. 356 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,160 I never stayed anywhere any too long. 357 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,440 I was probably at my longest job by the time 358 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,120 I got into my 20s, maybe for about six months to eight 359 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,120 months, six months to eight months at the jobs. 360 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:58,200 It was just like a pattern. 361 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,280 I just could not keep up because it was more important for me 362 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,640 to go out and party or deal with the hangover the next day 363 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,520 than to go to work and face a boss. 364 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,760 I was really trying hard to go back to school. 365 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,840 And the dream was that I was going to make something 366 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,400 of myself and figure it all out, and that eventually I'll 367 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:13,720 be self-supporting. 368 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,600 And it just got bad from bad to worse 369 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,660 because my drug addiction and alcoholism 370 00:12:18,660 --> 00:12:19,920 had just kind of taken a turn. 371 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,440 It was very, very progressive for me. 372 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:24,240 It happened very, very quickly, and I went really, really hard. 373 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:26,800 I can tell you that in long story short, 374 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,120 I started using and drinking when I was about 16, 375 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,880 and I got sober at 35 years old. 376 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,480 So I used and drank for a really, really long time. 377 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,480 I came out of that situation pretty unscathed, 378 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,080 but I came in with a lot of psychosis. 379 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:38,960 I came in with voices. 380 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,400 I came in with infections on my body. 381 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,520 I came in homeless. 382 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,680 I came in after going in and out of treatment centers 383 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,720 probably six or seven times. 384 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,100 I never really had done the steps. 385 00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:52,280 I never had really given myself the opportunity 386 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,400 to sit down with a sponsor and tell them my truth 387 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,780 and tell them what had happened or talk about all the secrets 388 00:12:56,780 --> 00:12:58,840 and all the things that I had endured growing up 389 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:01,440 that were affecting me as an adult that were just 390 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:02,680 playing havoc with my life. 391 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:04,360 It was just kind of like I was always 392 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,040 sitting at this table, this itty bitty shitty committee 393 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:11,180 in my head of guilt, fear, shame, not enoughness. 394 00:13:11,180 --> 00:13:12,240 You're ugly. 395 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:12,920 You're too dark. 396 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:13,880 You're too fat. 397 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:14,720 You're too black. 398 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:15,360 You're too this. 399 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:16,020 You're too that. 400 00:13:16,020 --> 00:13:17,720 There was this constant thing of me 401 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:19,480 feeling not good enough about myself 402 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:20,720 and not feeling confident. 403 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,400 I think today, if it wasn't all those things 404 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,680 that they were back then because of what was going on 405 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,800 in the world, I think today it would have been something else 406 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:28,920 just because I'm an alcoholic. 407 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:30,300 I think my brain and my committee 408 00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:32,080 would just have come up with something else 409 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,240 to be complaining about, you know what I'm saying? 410 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,880 I think that's just how alcoholism is. 411 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:39,040 I feel like at some point, alcoholism just wants me dead. 412 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:40,600 It just wants me homeless. 413 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:41,600 It just wants me sick. 414 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,200 And it wants me riddled with fear. 415 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,560 And that's where my disease wants me. 416 00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:49,720 And so I finally was sitting in the back of-- 417 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,520 I was sitting in my car that was given by my dad to me. 418 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,600 Yeah, it was a vehicle that was given to me by my dad. 419 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,440 I was parked inside an alley in West Hollywood. 420 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,040 And it was kind of a cruising weird alley. 421 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:02,080 It's where men would go pick up with other men or whatever. 422 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:03,800 This was very early in the morning. 423 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,680 We're talking at like 7 or 8 in the morning. 424 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:09,560 And I was just spun out in my car, windows down, 425 00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:12,240 probably smoking cigarettes, got the music on. 426 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:15,720 In my own little world, all cracked out, drunk, tweaked 427 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,760 out, skinny tight little jeans on. 428 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,360 I was skinny as a stick. 429 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,840 And I had this guy that came over and started talking to me 430 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:26,920 and asking me, he said, whose Volkswagen is that? 431 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,760 Because on the license plate, it said VW Expert. 432 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:32,400 He comes up to me and he goes, hey, whose car is that? 433 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,560 Who's the VW Expert? 434 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,120 And I said, oh, that's my dad. 435 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,040 My dad built this car. 436 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:37,200 He worked for Volkswagen. 437 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,000 When we had moved to the States, my dad 438 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,320 retired from Volkswagen a couple of years ago 439 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,400 after working for them for about 30-something years. 440 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:44,840 And he had built this car. 441 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,220 And it's kind of interesting because he 442 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,680 could have been anything and anyone at that time. 443 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,880 But he happened to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 444 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,560 And he, at the time, had probably 445 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,560 about 27 years of sobriety. 446 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,400 And he was kind of like my ultimate escrow. 447 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,280 And the interesting thing about him 448 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,120 is that he was actually from Alaska, 449 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:03,720 which was so interesting. 450 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,160 The reason he was drawn to the car 451 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:06,440 is because it was AO Volkswagen. 452 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:07,980 He had general interest in Volkswagens 453 00:15:07,980 --> 00:15:10,600 because him and his brothers grew up racing Volkswagens. 454 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,520 There's a big annual race that goes on in Anchorage. 455 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:14,960 And it's a Volkswagen race. 456 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,780 And he had three brothers that also raced Volkswagens, 457 00:15:17,780 --> 00:15:18,700 like I had mentioned. 458 00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,960 And all three of his brothers died as alcoholics 459 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,760 in car accidents in Volkswagens. 460 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,040 Not to mention, when he came closer to the car, 461 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:26,240 he realized that I was Indian. 462 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,640 So he started talking about India 463 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,040 because he was getting ready to leave for a trip to India. 464 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,040 He was Buddhist. 465 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,760 And he was going on this Buddhist retreat. 466 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,680 And so he was kind of talking to me about my culture 467 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,920 and was interested in discussing that with me and all 468 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:37,880 these different sorts of things. 469 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,320 In my head, I'm thinking something else. 470 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,560 Why is this guy interested in me and all these different sorts 471 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:41,880 of things? 472 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,000 It wasn't until much later that I kind of put all of this 473 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,520 together and realized that there was 474 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,360 significant-- there was synchronicity going on 475 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:48,680 in my life from the get-go. 476 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:50,760 Before I got sober, before I got clean, 477 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,320 there were these things that were happening around me 478 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:58,020 that were so coincidental or quintessential or just out 479 00:15:58,020 --> 00:16:00,920 of this world that they would either freak me out 480 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,960 or they would elate me and excite me, OK? 481 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,520 And the freaking out part was me going, I'm going crazy. 482 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,560 There's no way in hell that this is synchronizing 483 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:09,440 the way that this is-- 484 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:10,800 there's no way that this is going on. 485 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,160 And I can tell you, it's that kind of pull that brought me 486 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:14,280 into Alcoholics Anonymous. 487 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,280 And I told you I'd been in and out of the room, 488 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:17,640 so I knew exactly where to go. 489 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,200 He had taken me to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. 490 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,000 He was like, do you want coffee and a donut? 491 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,000 And I said, sure. 492 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:24,080 And he goes, let's go up the street. 493 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,320 And I ended up going to a meeting on Fairfax and Fountain 494 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:27,200 in West Hollywood. 495 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,000 It was my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. 496 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,880 It was on a Saturday morning. 497 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,960 And I was introduced to all these different sorts 498 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:33,440 of people there. 499 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,080 And I had men come up to me that had a lot of time. 500 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,540 They gave me their cards and asked 501 00:16:36,540 --> 00:16:39,360 if I needed a number or some information and everything. 502 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,120 And at that time, I was referred to-- 503 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,480 I'm going to be very straight with you guys. 504 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,320 I was referred to the Gay and Lesbian Center 505 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,760 because I was, A, I was homeless. 506 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:47,680 I was living in my car. 507 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:48,680 I was addicted to drugs. 508 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,880 I was drinking a lot of alcohol. 509 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,120 I didn't have a job. 510 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:53,220 I didn't know whether I was coming or going. 511 00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:55,360 I didn't know when I had eaten last. 512 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:56,880 I was pretty emaciated. 513 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,640 And I was directed to go to the Gay and Lesbian Center 514 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:02,480 because they had a drug and alcohol 515 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,600 unit going on there at the time. 516 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,180 And I was referred to this guy that all 517 00:17:06,180 --> 00:17:07,880 the guys in this meeting knew. 518 00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:09,960 And apparently, he was a part of the group as well. 519 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:13,240 But he was somebody that headed this kind of task force 520 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:17,280 because at the time, crystal meth was a serious pandemic 521 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:18,840 within the community. 522 00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:20,680 And so I was directed to go there. 523 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:22,660 And I went and I met this person. 524 00:17:22,660 --> 00:17:25,320 And he directed me and sent me off to my very first rehab. 525 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,820 And I was introduced to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. 526 00:17:27,820 --> 00:17:29,060 And that's how I found A.I. 527 00:17:29,060 --> 00:17:31,720 And I'd love to tell you that I stayed sober, but I didn't. 528 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,480 I didn't stay sober and clean at the time. 529 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,040 It took about seven more years of me 530 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,480 going in and out of treatment centers, couch commitments, 531 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,160 sober livings, and each time trying to make it, 532 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,080 trying to do it, six months, nine months, 10 months, 533 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:44,460 six months, nine months, 10 months, 534 00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:46,600 but just not being able to get over the hump. 535 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,360 It wasn't until I sat all the way down and opened 536 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,040 my ears completely. 537 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:54,320 When I was 35, I'd come back to Tarzana Treatment Center. 538 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:55,120 And they took me in. 539 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:55,820 They took me back. 540 00:17:55,820 --> 00:17:58,080 It was my third time going to Tarzana Treatment Center. 541 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,820 That was February 15, 2013. 542 00:18:00,820 --> 00:18:03,000 And I showed up there pretty beat down. 543 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,280 I was really, really skinny, really emaciated. 544 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:08,280 Like I said, I was kind of like an infection all over my body. 545 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:11,120 And there's so much in my story that happens that we never 546 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:12,720 really get to talk about from the podium. 547 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:13,800 But there was so much that happened 548 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:14,800 that it brought me to this place. 549 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,560 But ultimately, all the synchronicity around me 550 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:21,640 was so intensified that I was absolutely scared back 551 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:22,880 into the rooms. 552 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,180 There was so much going on. 553 00:18:24,180 --> 00:18:28,120 I felt like everybody knew where I'd been running and gunning. 554 00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:30,120 I felt like everybody knew what was going on. 555 00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:33,400 I was so paranoid and ashamed of my life and who I was 556 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,480 and what I had become that I was just ready to give it all up. 557 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:40,040 I was spiritually bankrupt, like totally, totally, totally 558 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:40,880 spiritually bankrupt. 559 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,440 I was an emotional mess. 560 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:45,200 And I didn't really have anywhere to seek help. 561 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:46,880 I had lost all means of anything. 562 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:47,480 I had no money. 563 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:48,060 I had no job. 564 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:49,620 I had no apparent places to go. 565 00:18:49,620 --> 00:18:51,120 I didn't even have a cell phone. 566 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:53,940 This is 2013, where smartphones were just kind of coming out. 567 00:18:53,940 --> 00:18:56,320 And I just remember thinking to myself how hopeless I was 568 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,740 because I didn't have a smartphone. 569 00:18:57,740 --> 00:19:00,240 All I had was like this cheap clicker phone 570 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,800 at some point or another until it got lost. 571 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,840 And I felt like all the people that I was seeing 572 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,000 had smartphones and that they all had one up on me 573 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,560 and that they were all better than me. 574 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,880 And don't you know, that's something that I need to have. 575 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,920 It was just something that really drove this not enoughness 576 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,960 that was going on in the committee in my head. 577 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:20,120 And anyway, I finally just kind of surrendered all of it 578 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,120 when I came back in 2013. 579 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,840 And they took me in, and I took direction. 580 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:25,520 I did everything they told me. 581 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,400 I was in a program. 582 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:30,800 So I had a very strict schedule at the program. 583 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,120 And it was just kind of like I had a couple of classes 584 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:34,000 throughout the week. 585 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,480 I had relapse prevention a couple of times a week. 586 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,820 I had sex and sobriety a couple of times a week. 587 00:19:38,820 --> 00:19:40,400 I had all these different courses. 588 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,120 If you've been in treatment, you can imagine all those 589 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:43,640 different things that they had me do. 590 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:44,940 And then in the evening, it was up to me 591 00:19:44,940 --> 00:19:45,920 to get myself to a meeting. 592 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,600 And so I went to a meeting every single night. 593 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,120 And I got a commitment at every single meeting 594 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,240 that I attended at the time. 595 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:51,880 I think I went to like six meetings a week, 596 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:52,920 five or six meetings a week. 597 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:54,400 And if I ever hung out with anybody, 598 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,460 it was because I was hanging out. 599 00:19:56,460 --> 00:19:57,560 If I ever hung out with anybody, 600 00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,200 it was only people from my treatment center. 601 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,960 Because I was so isolated from all of the people 602 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:03,800 that were in my life. 603 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,360 It wasn't until I had a couple of years sobriety 604 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,840 that I really started meshing with my family. 605 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,800 They were very, very reluctant to have me back in their life. 606 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:11,880 I remember when my sister called me, 607 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:13,200 I think I had nine months of sobriety, 608 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:14,280 and she says, "I'm getting married." 609 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:17,200 And I said, "Okay, that's amazing, congratulations." 610 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,280 And she's like, "I really want you to come to the wedding. 611 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,540 "I want you to be there, but I really need you to behave." 612 00:20:22,540 --> 00:20:24,160 She's like, "I really need you to behave." 613 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:26,440 And not only do I really need you to behave, 614 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:27,900 and I was like, "Oh, can I bring somebody?" 615 00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:29,760 She was like, "No, no, no, you can't bring anybody." 616 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:32,440 And that was interesting because at the time, 617 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,120 I had started dating somebody as well on sobriety 618 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,660 who's now my husband, which is amazing 619 00:20:37,660 --> 00:20:39,680 'cause we just celebrated eight years of marriage, 620 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,080 and we've been together for like 13 years, 12 years. 621 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,280 Anyway, long story short, 622 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:44,580 that's kind of like the stuff that was going on. 623 00:20:44,580 --> 00:20:48,300 Even today, I can tell you that I'm not the same person 624 00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:49,540 that came into these rooms at all. 625 00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:50,920 I'm not the same person that was running and gunning 626 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,020 when I was 16. 627 00:20:52,020 --> 00:20:55,160 Like the big pain in the ass kid that I was to my parents, 628 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,520 I am not that person again today. 629 00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,760 I'm almost unrecognizable to them sometimes. 630 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,160 They just sometimes just wanna look at me, 631 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,060 and they talk to me, 632 00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:03,660 and the way that I communicate with them, 633 00:21:03,660 --> 00:21:05,320 and the way that I reciprocate with them, 634 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,360 the way that I respond to what they have to say, 635 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,840 the way that I'm not interjecting, I'm not disrespecting, 636 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,040 I'm not yelling at them, I'm not cussing them out, 637 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,760 I'm not shutting them down, I'm not telling them where to go 638 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,740 because I was really quick at doing any of that stuff 639 00:21:16,740 --> 00:21:18,620 'cause it didn't matter who you were, what you were, 640 00:21:18,620 --> 00:21:20,520 I was ready to let you know really quickly 641 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,680 exactly how I felt about you, you know? 642 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,400 And it didn't matter if it was my parents. 643 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:28,240 And so I was that sort of personality. 644 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,680 And so today I'm not that same person at all, you know? 645 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,880 And my parents are warming up to me now 646 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,320 at 13 years of sobriety. 647 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:36,960 You know, they call me if I haven't called them. 648 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,520 They check in with me, "Hey, how's it going? 649 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:39,360 "I haven't heard from you." 650 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:40,400 Or, "You said you were gonna come over. 651 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:41,240 "You never came over." 652 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,080 Or, "What's going on? 653 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:42,900 "How's work?" 654 00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:43,740 "They're interested. 655 00:21:43,740 --> 00:21:44,580 "How's your husband? 656 00:21:44,580 --> 00:21:45,400 "How's your family? 657 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:46,240 "What's going on?" 658 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:47,080 "Oh, how are the dogs?" 659 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:48,040 Just a straight conversation with me, you know? 660 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,460 Whereas I'm not making all the effort 661 00:21:49,460 --> 00:21:52,500 as much as I was all the time, if that makes any sense. 662 00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:54,660 It started to come around, you know? 663 00:21:54,660 --> 00:21:56,400 There's a section in the book 664 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:57,700 which is like the family afterwards. 665 00:21:57,700 --> 00:21:59,720 It's kind of like what they all have to deal with 666 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,560 because of my drinking and using, how they got through it, 667 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,600 and how they moved forward, you know? 668 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:06,900 And kind of taking responsibility for my actions 669 00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:07,820 was extraordinary. 670 00:22:07,820 --> 00:22:10,140 And so I did the steps in the program. 671 00:22:10,140 --> 00:22:11,740 I started getting into the 12 steps. 672 00:22:11,740 --> 00:22:13,020 I got a sponsor. 673 00:22:13,020 --> 00:22:14,320 I said I was going to meetings. 674 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,300 And I took commitments at all the meetings that I attended. 675 00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:20,300 So I made meetings regularly. 676 00:22:20,300 --> 00:22:22,560 I went to regular meetings regularly. 677 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:24,680 I know that sounds weird and like a tongue twister, 678 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:28,200 but I went on regular meetings on regular nights. 679 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,020 That means that I went to the same meeting every Monday. 680 00:22:30,020 --> 00:22:31,900 That means I went to the same meeting every Tuesday. 681 00:22:31,900 --> 00:22:33,740 That means I went to the same meeting every Wednesday. 682 00:22:33,740 --> 00:22:35,140 I went to the same meeting every Thursday, 683 00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:36,260 Friday, and Saturday. 684 00:22:36,260 --> 00:22:37,980 Didn't matter whether I liked the meeting or not. 685 00:22:37,980 --> 00:22:39,140 I just got a commitment. 686 00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:40,020 I just showed up. 687 00:22:40,020 --> 00:22:41,700 I didn't really have much of an opinion. 688 00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:43,140 I already knew deep down inside, 689 00:22:43,140 --> 00:22:45,860 I was in a place where I knew that my opinion didn't matter. 690 00:22:45,860 --> 00:22:48,220 I didn't feel like I was of any value when I got here, 691 00:22:48,220 --> 00:22:49,340 if that makes any sense. 692 00:22:49,340 --> 00:22:50,540 I felt like a piece of shit. 693 00:22:50,540 --> 00:22:51,840 I didn't feel like I was important. 694 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:54,140 I didn't feel like anybody loved me or cared about me. 695 00:22:54,140 --> 00:22:55,420 And it wasn't until I came into the rooms 696 00:22:55,420 --> 00:22:57,860 of Alcoholics Anonymous that I felt like, you know what? 697 00:22:57,860 --> 00:22:59,540 I have a little bit of clout. 698 00:22:59,540 --> 00:23:00,900 I got a commitment, you know? 699 00:23:00,900 --> 00:23:02,500 They need me there to make the coffee. 700 00:23:02,500 --> 00:23:03,940 You know, they need me there to do the cake. 701 00:23:03,940 --> 00:23:05,180 They need me there to greet. 702 00:23:05,180 --> 00:23:06,700 They need me there to be at the door. 703 00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:08,240 They need me there to set up. 704 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:09,300 They need me to break down. 705 00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:10,340 They need me to clean up. 706 00:23:10,340 --> 00:23:11,180 They need me... 707 00:23:11,180 --> 00:23:12,920 Like, that was kind of what was going on with me 708 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,260 because I had no self-esteem at all. 709 00:23:15,260 --> 00:23:17,020 I was learning that it took, you know, 710 00:23:17,020 --> 00:23:20,980 practicing self-esteem, like acts of service 711 00:23:20,980 --> 00:23:23,380 were going to build self-esteem for me, you know? 712 00:23:23,380 --> 00:23:25,860 And I started kind of like talking to newcomers 713 00:23:25,860 --> 00:23:27,100 as time went on. 714 00:23:27,100 --> 00:23:28,800 And I started taking numbers of people 715 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,500 that had more time than I did. 716 00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:31,740 It made me feel less crazy. 717 00:23:31,740 --> 00:23:32,580 So here's the deal. 718 00:23:32,580 --> 00:23:33,420 My sponsor said to me, 719 00:23:33,420 --> 00:23:34,860 I want you to start getting five numbers 720 00:23:34,860 --> 00:23:36,180 at every meeting that you go to. 721 00:23:36,180 --> 00:23:38,100 And all the people that you're getting numbers from 722 00:23:38,100 --> 00:23:40,340 are people that have to have more time than you. 723 00:23:40,340 --> 00:23:41,700 Because you're kicking and kicking it 724 00:23:41,700 --> 00:23:42,900 with all the people and all the kids 725 00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:45,100 in rehab and treatment centers and sober livings 726 00:23:45,100 --> 00:23:45,940 all day long. 727 00:23:45,940 --> 00:23:47,140 But what's your life going to be like 728 00:23:47,140 --> 00:23:48,980 when you leave that treatment center? 729 00:23:48,980 --> 00:23:51,460 You know, for me, it was always that transitional space 730 00:23:51,460 --> 00:23:54,820 of like when I left rehab and I went into sober living 731 00:23:54,820 --> 00:23:56,180 and then it was time for me to kind of like 732 00:23:56,180 --> 00:23:58,620 figure it all out and get off the GR 733 00:23:58,620 --> 00:24:01,100 and get off the food stamps and get into a space 734 00:24:01,100 --> 00:24:03,220 where it was time for me to start working, you know, 735 00:24:03,220 --> 00:24:05,620 and figure out how to navigate through all of that stuff. 736 00:24:05,620 --> 00:24:08,520 Like transportation, paying like a phone bill, 737 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:09,580 like, hey, just a phone bill. 738 00:24:09,580 --> 00:24:10,420 That's all it was. 739 00:24:10,420 --> 00:24:12,240 Like there was just a phone bill, you know. 740 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:15,300 But, or like a bus pass, like whatever those things were, 741 00:24:15,300 --> 00:24:16,600 all those little small things 742 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,040 that feel like they're rinky dink. 743 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,240 If I can be successful at those small little things, 744 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,780 that means that I can probably do them 745 00:24:21,780 --> 00:24:23,420 when I move on from that space. 746 00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:26,540 And it took, for me, repetitive motion 747 00:24:26,540 --> 00:24:28,300 to have to do it over and over again. 748 00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:29,700 It became sort of mindless. 749 00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:31,980 It became like hurtful sometimes. 750 00:24:31,980 --> 00:24:33,400 Like, oh my God, I can't believe, 751 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:34,740 yeah, that was me getting into a space 752 00:24:34,740 --> 00:24:36,500 of like not feeling grateful, you know. 753 00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:38,640 It was when I kind of got into the space of gratitude 754 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,660 that all of that stuff just kind of like went over. 755 00:24:40,660 --> 00:24:42,700 I didn't have to think about what I needed to do. 756 00:24:42,700 --> 00:24:45,060 My schedule and my structure and my sobriety 757 00:24:45,060 --> 00:24:46,080 was already built up. 758 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:50,240 And so structure is something that I thrive in in sobriety. 759 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:51,680 That's something that I thrive in. 760 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,660 No time schedule, no needing to be anywhere where, 761 00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:56,940 for any particular reason, running around, 762 00:24:56,940 --> 00:24:58,020 doing whatever, blah, blah, blah, 763 00:24:58,020 --> 00:25:00,380 not having to get up at a certain time every single day, 764 00:25:00,380 --> 00:25:01,780 not having to call my sponsor 765 00:25:01,780 --> 00:25:02,940 at the same time every single day, 766 00:25:02,940 --> 00:25:04,740 like that's all life that I'm used to doing. 767 00:25:04,740 --> 00:25:06,380 That's like the old way for me. 768 00:25:06,380 --> 00:25:08,740 The new way for me is like taking sponsor direction. 769 00:25:08,740 --> 00:25:10,020 My sponsor today is this. 770 00:25:10,020 --> 00:25:11,520 Kapinder, I need you to call me, 771 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:13,580 like I need you, you know, 13 years sober. 772 00:25:13,580 --> 00:25:15,340 I don't have to call my sponsor every day anymore. 773 00:25:15,340 --> 00:25:16,180 But my sponsor is like, 774 00:25:16,180 --> 00:25:17,220 I need you to call me twice a week. 775 00:25:17,220 --> 00:25:18,940 I need to see you at two meetings every week. 776 00:25:18,940 --> 00:25:20,420 And I need you to be at my baby meeting, 777 00:25:20,420 --> 00:25:21,700 my book meeting, okay? 778 00:25:21,700 --> 00:25:23,060 And I need you to take some commitments 779 00:25:23,060 --> 00:25:24,300 at all the meetings that you're attending. 780 00:25:24,300 --> 00:25:25,140 And so guess what? 781 00:25:25,140 --> 00:25:26,340 I go to four meetings a week. 782 00:25:26,340 --> 00:25:28,380 I have commitments at all those meetings, except for one. 783 00:25:28,380 --> 00:25:29,780 I call my sponsor twice a week. 784 00:25:29,780 --> 00:25:32,140 Like, listen, like I have created a life 785 00:25:32,140 --> 00:25:34,120 in Alcoholics Anonymous that is beyond 786 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:35,540 like what I thought it was going to be. 787 00:25:35,540 --> 00:25:38,620 With the help of God, I have just done the footwork, okay? 788 00:25:38,620 --> 00:25:39,820 I have just done the footwork. 789 00:25:39,820 --> 00:25:42,220 I did it enough to where I created a space 790 00:25:42,220 --> 00:25:44,300 where God was able to come in and do his handiwork. 791 00:25:44,300 --> 00:25:48,040 Like literally come in, reach into my life and transform, 792 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:51,380 not only my life, but me, like cell by cell, 793 00:25:51,380 --> 00:25:54,220 spirit by spirit, soul by soul, inch by inch, 794 00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:56,260 like literally came in and like transformed me. 795 00:25:56,260 --> 00:25:57,860 It was almost like I was born again. 796 00:25:57,860 --> 00:26:00,340 It was a very, very interesting and extraordinary experience. 797 00:26:00,340 --> 00:26:02,460 It's hard for me to fully relate to anybody 798 00:26:02,460 --> 00:26:05,220 or try to express kind of what has happened in my life 799 00:26:05,220 --> 00:26:06,780 because it's been alarming. 800 00:26:06,780 --> 00:26:09,420 And so you hear people all the time at Alcoholics Anonymous 801 00:26:09,420 --> 00:26:10,820 say, "Oh my God, my life is so amazing. 802 00:26:10,820 --> 00:26:11,960 "My life is so fantastic. 803 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,500 "And don't you know this, that, or the other. 804 00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:14,600 "And it's absolutely bubble." 805 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:15,440 You know what? 806 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:16,740 I'll be very straight with you guys again 807 00:26:16,740 --> 00:26:18,900 about kind of what's been going on with me nowadays 808 00:26:18,900 --> 00:26:20,660 is that I'm sober, I'm staying sober. 809 00:26:20,660 --> 00:26:21,780 I feel good about my sobriety. 810 00:26:21,780 --> 00:26:22,800 I feel really grateful. 811 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:24,820 I sponsor people and I'm super happy. 812 00:26:24,820 --> 00:26:27,020 The trajectory of my life is still going on. 813 00:26:27,020 --> 00:26:29,160 I look out into the periphery of my life 814 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:30,980 and sometimes everything could be going to shit, 815 00:26:30,980 --> 00:26:33,460 but I look out on the horizon, I still have this light 816 00:26:33,460 --> 00:26:35,300 and I still see that somewhere out there, 817 00:26:35,300 --> 00:26:36,420 something's gonna be okay. 818 00:26:36,420 --> 00:26:38,180 I didn't have that before I got sober. 819 00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:39,940 I didn't have that, that part. 820 00:26:39,940 --> 00:26:42,180 That part is what keeps me going here. 821 00:26:42,180 --> 00:26:44,100 That's the part that's really compelling 822 00:26:44,100 --> 00:26:46,300 about sobriety and Alcoholics Anonymous 823 00:26:46,300 --> 00:26:49,140 is that the scenery has always changed in my life 824 00:26:49,140 --> 00:26:51,380 because I have always shed something. 825 00:26:51,380 --> 00:26:55,300 I've always let go of stuff to create space for new stuff. 826 00:26:55,300 --> 00:26:58,060 I've always done footwork to allow God to come in 827 00:26:58,060 --> 00:27:00,060 and do his handiwork in my life. 828 00:27:00,060 --> 00:27:02,140 That is me getting out of the way 829 00:27:02,140 --> 00:27:04,420 and trying to be out of the outcome of something. 830 00:27:04,420 --> 00:27:05,940 And it's been extraordinary. 831 00:27:05,940 --> 00:27:07,660 It's been really, really extraordinary. 832 00:27:07,660 --> 00:27:09,980 And so I'm a working professional today. 833 00:27:09,980 --> 00:27:11,700 I'm married. 834 00:27:11,700 --> 00:27:13,100 I've got my family in my life. 835 00:27:13,100 --> 00:27:15,020 I sponsor guys, like I said. 836 00:27:15,020 --> 00:27:16,780 I go to meetings on regular nights. 837 00:27:16,780 --> 00:27:18,460 Something I like to say because it's kind of like, 838 00:27:18,460 --> 00:27:19,940 like I said, the structural stuff, 839 00:27:19,940 --> 00:27:21,780 'cause I have sponsors and I have people in my life 840 00:27:21,780 --> 00:27:23,980 that I talk to on the regular basis 841 00:27:23,980 --> 00:27:25,980 and they don't go to regular meetings all the time. 842 00:27:25,980 --> 00:27:28,060 They don't go to the same meetings regularly. 843 00:27:28,060 --> 00:27:28,900 And then what that tells me 844 00:27:28,900 --> 00:27:31,380 is that they don't have any commitments either. 845 00:27:31,380 --> 00:27:32,980 Alcoholics Anonymous is the only thing 846 00:27:32,980 --> 00:27:35,380 that has been safe, a safe place for me. 847 00:27:35,380 --> 00:27:37,700 It's been the only thing that has helped save my life 848 00:27:37,700 --> 00:27:40,220 that's tried adamantly to save my life. 849 00:27:40,220 --> 00:27:41,260 Like as an energy, 850 00:27:41,260 --> 00:27:43,380 people within the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous 851 00:27:43,380 --> 00:27:44,860 have said, "Hey, who are you? 852 00:27:44,860 --> 00:27:46,540 "We need to help you, you're dying." 853 00:27:46,540 --> 00:27:48,700 Like I've had that in my life. 854 00:27:48,700 --> 00:27:49,620 I've had that in my life. 855 00:27:49,620 --> 00:27:51,860 Why would I not come to a place 856 00:27:51,860 --> 00:27:54,580 and be of service to that space that has done that? 857 00:27:54,580 --> 00:27:57,500 Like nothing else, the drug addicts that I was running with, 858 00:27:57,500 --> 00:27:59,180 the hookers and things that I was scheming with, 859 00:27:59,180 --> 00:28:01,180 all the things that I was doing while I was out there, 860 00:28:01,180 --> 00:28:02,460 none of that was there. 861 00:28:02,460 --> 00:28:05,140 That space, that safe space was not there in my life. 862 00:28:05,140 --> 00:28:06,340 Here in Alcoholics Anonymous 863 00:28:06,340 --> 00:28:07,620 is the only place that that's been. 864 00:28:07,620 --> 00:28:08,460 And guess what? 865 00:28:08,460 --> 00:28:09,940 I live in a sober house today. 866 00:28:09,940 --> 00:28:12,220 I live in a sober home and it feels peaceful. 867 00:28:12,220 --> 00:28:13,900 It feels good, it feels safe. 868 00:28:13,900 --> 00:28:16,540 I come from a broken situation emotionally 869 00:28:16,540 --> 00:28:17,460 growing up as a kid. 870 00:28:17,460 --> 00:28:19,940 And so I've created a home for myself. 871 00:28:19,940 --> 00:28:21,140 With my loving partner, 872 00:28:21,140 --> 00:28:22,820 it's been kind of an extraordinary thing. 873 00:28:22,820 --> 00:28:25,300 And it sounds probably really unique to some people, 874 00:28:25,300 --> 00:28:26,580 but that's okay, it doesn't matter. 875 00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:27,660 I don't need your approval. 876 00:28:27,660 --> 00:28:29,660 But the thing is is that I just wanna share 877 00:28:29,660 --> 00:28:32,180 is that it's me feeling comfortable in my skin, 878 00:28:32,180 --> 00:28:34,580 me feeling safe in my space, right? 879 00:28:34,580 --> 00:28:36,220 So that I can be full and be of service 880 00:28:36,220 --> 00:28:37,940 to the people that are in my life today, right? 881 00:28:37,940 --> 00:28:39,260 Because if I'm not okay, 882 00:28:39,260 --> 00:28:41,420 then I don't really have much to give anybody else. 883 00:28:41,420 --> 00:28:42,980 You know what it's like when you like get up in the morning 884 00:28:42,980 --> 00:28:44,220 and everything's good and you're going 885 00:28:44,220 --> 00:28:45,340 and somebody just pisses you off 886 00:28:45,340 --> 00:28:47,100 and the rest of the day you're just pissed off 887 00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:49,340 about that one thing and you can't get it off your mind, 888 00:28:49,340 --> 00:28:51,020 you're of no use to anyone, right? 889 00:28:51,020 --> 00:28:53,460 I'm of no, I'm not of service to anyone. 890 00:28:53,460 --> 00:28:56,900 And so I need to keep myself filled with spirit, right? 891 00:28:56,900 --> 00:28:57,720 This is what I do. 892 00:28:57,720 --> 00:28:58,940 I have to keep myself filled with spirit 893 00:28:58,940 --> 00:29:01,380 in the way that I do that is through prayer meditation, okay? 894 00:29:01,380 --> 00:29:04,140 So that I can be nonreactive, so that I can be still, 895 00:29:04,140 --> 00:29:06,860 so I can be calm, so that I can give something back. 896 00:29:06,860 --> 00:29:07,780 You know? 897 00:29:07,780 --> 00:29:09,500 Otherwise I'm just kind of like, I'm not, 898 00:29:09,500 --> 00:29:10,860 I'm just kind of empty, you know? 899 00:29:10,860 --> 00:29:12,400 I feel like I'm just kind of stoic 900 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:13,700 and just walking the earth 901 00:29:13,700 --> 00:29:15,220 and just kind of going through the cycle 902 00:29:15,220 --> 00:29:16,700 and just doing the same thing. 903 00:29:16,700 --> 00:29:18,300 And it's like Groundhog Day. 904 00:29:18,300 --> 00:29:20,020 And I find that if I feel like that, 905 00:29:20,020 --> 00:29:22,380 it basically means that I'm not being of service 906 00:29:22,380 --> 00:29:24,140 to the best of my ability, you know? 907 00:29:24,140 --> 00:29:26,100 'Cause there was a time that I felt that way 908 00:29:26,100 --> 00:29:28,920 in and out of, like on and off through sobriety. 909 00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:30,520 There's times like that that have happened. 910 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:32,700 Okay, so when I turned 10 years sober, 911 00:29:32,700 --> 00:29:33,720 I'll tell a quick little story. 912 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:34,980 When I turned 10 years sober, 913 00:29:34,980 --> 00:29:36,780 I was on a pink cloud for 10 years. 914 00:29:36,780 --> 00:29:38,320 Like literally pink cloud. 915 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:40,400 I was on a journey, like my life was happening, 916 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:42,460 things were going on, things were moving. 917 00:29:42,460 --> 00:29:44,340 Like I said, marriage, job, business, 918 00:29:44,340 --> 00:29:45,780 all things were happening, family was coming back, 919 00:29:45,780 --> 00:29:46,780 I was traveling things. 920 00:29:46,780 --> 00:29:48,780 You know, nice, full, big, lovely life. 921 00:29:48,780 --> 00:29:50,380 Everything was really, really great and grand. 922 00:29:50,380 --> 00:29:52,660 And I kid you not, like I turned 10 years sober 923 00:29:52,660 --> 00:29:53,620 and all of a sudden it was like 924 00:29:53,620 --> 00:29:54,940 I was the man that fell to earth. 925 00:29:54,940 --> 00:29:56,780 Like I woke up and there was no pink cloud. 926 00:29:56,780 --> 00:29:59,500 Like I woke up and there were like aches and pains, you know? 927 00:29:59,500 --> 00:30:01,580 I woke up and stuff was kind of pissing me off. 928 00:30:01,580 --> 00:30:03,300 You know, things were starting to bother me. 929 00:30:03,300 --> 00:30:05,380 Or I was alarmed and surprised 930 00:30:05,380 --> 00:30:06,660 like the kind of life that I had built. 931 00:30:06,660 --> 00:30:09,300 And I was like, OMG, like look at my life. 932 00:30:09,300 --> 00:30:11,460 This is very, very overwhelming. 933 00:30:11,460 --> 00:30:13,620 So all these sorts of feelings were going on for me. 934 00:30:13,620 --> 00:30:17,700 And my sponsor at the time had moved to France and retired. 935 00:30:17,700 --> 00:30:19,020 And it had been about a year 936 00:30:19,020 --> 00:30:20,780 since I'd spent any time with him. 937 00:30:20,780 --> 00:30:23,140 So I literally was kind of unsponsored, right? 938 00:30:23,140 --> 00:30:25,540 I was kind of unsponsored and I didn't really have 939 00:30:25,540 --> 00:30:27,580 somebody to kind of bounce stuff off of. 940 00:30:27,580 --> 00:30:30,180 And it was time for me to kind of get the sponsor 941 00:30:30,180 --> 00:30:31,420 and do a 10th step, you know? 942 00:30:31,420 --> 00:30:33,260 And so I asked somebody to sponsor me. 943 00:30:33,260 --> 00:30:34,340 He agreed to sponsor me. 944 00:30:34,340 --> 00:30:37,740 And you know, the first day that I had with him, 945 00:30:37,740 --> 00:30:39,540 like the first time it was just me and him alone 946 00:30:39,540 --> 00:30:41,300 outside of a group or whatever, blah, blah, blah. 947 00:30:41,300 --> 00:30:42,780 I literally just like broke down. 948 00:30:42,780 --> 00:30:44,580 I was like, this is going, and I don't have it. 949 00:30:44,580 --> 00:30:46,220 Like I was hyperventilating, freaking out 950 00:30:46,220 --> 00:30:47,300 about all the stuff that was going on. 951 00:30:47,300 --> 00:30:48,780 He's like, just calm down. 952 00:30:48,780 --> 00:30:50,380 You know, and he gave me some specific direction 953 00:30:50,380 --> 00:30:52,260 to sit down and to start writing about it. 954 00:30:52,260 --> 00:30:54,940 You know, had me sit down and write about all of it 955 00:30:54,940 --> 00:30:57,100 and had me come to his house on an afternoon. 956 00:30:57,100 --> 00:30:58,660 And we discussed everything that was on my list 957 00:30:58,660 --> 00:31:00,300 and we took care of that 10th step. 958 00:31:00,300 --> 00:31:01,660 You know, and he gave me some significant 959 00:31:01,660 --> 00:31:03,300 like sponsor direction on how to deal 960 00:31:03,300 --> 00:31:04,140 with all of that stuff. 961 00:31:04,140 --> 00:31:05,940 And I can tell you, I felt a lot lighter. 962 00:31:05,940 --> 00:31:06,940 I felt a lot better. 963 00:31:06,940 --> 00:31:08,740 And the pink cloud has not come back, 964 00:31:08,740 --> 00:31:11,340 but I have kind of gone through this growth spurt 965 00:31:11,340 --> 00:31:13,460 in sobriety, if that makes any sense. 966 00:31:13,460 --> 00:31:15,660 There's like these phases that I've gone through, 967 00:31:15,660 --> 00:31:16,860 but like when I turned 10, 968 00:31:16,860 --> 00:31:17,900 there was something that happened. 969 00:31:17,900 --> 00:31:20,460 It was almost like I somewhat started to mature 970 00:31:20,460 --> 00:31:21,980 in being a sober man. 971 00:31:21,980 --> 00:31:26,340 Like, so today I am sober longer than I was 972 00:31:26,340 --> 00:31:28,180 at the point where I was really throwing my life away 973 00:31:28,180 --> 00:31:30,060 drinking and using, if that makes sense. 974 00:31:30,060 --> 00:31:32,580 And so it's extraordinary. 975 00:31:32,580 --> 00:31:35,420 At the end of the day, I wake up a sober person, 976 00:31:35,420 --> 00:31:36,620 but who knows, right? 977 00:31:36,620 --> 00:31:37,460 Who knows? 978 00:31:37,460 --> 00:31:38,620 It's one day at a time, you know? 979 00:31:38,620 --> 00:31:40,660 When I realized that and I started spending time 980 00:31:40,660 --> 00:31:42,260 with other people that were new, 981 00:31:42,260 --> 00:31:43,860 I realized that at the end of the day, 982 00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:46,900 like if we both stayed sober, that's a miracle, you know? 983 00:31:46,900 --> 00:31:48,860 And this is what I was gonna say to you earlier sometimes. 984 00:31:48,860 --> 00:31:51,940 Sometimes my day, I may not feel productive 985 00:31:51,940 --> 00:31:54,380 and stuff might feel really, really challenging 986 00:31:54,380 --> 00:31:55,740 and I may not have done stuff. 987 00:31:55,740 --> 00:31:57,420 And I may have even like talked shit 988 00:31:57,420 --> 00:31:58,700 to somebody about something. 989 00:31:58,700 --> 00:32:01,260 I may have even stepped out of, you know, myself. 990 00:32:01,260 --> 00:32:02,460 But at the end of the day, guess what? 991 00:32:02,460 --> 00:32:04,060 I think when sobriety comes forgiveness, 992 00:32:04,060 --> 00:32:05,740 I was able to forgive myself and just be like, 993 00:32:05,740 --> 00:32:06,560 you know what? 994 00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:07,420 I stayed sober today. 995 00:32:07,420 --> 00:32:09,080 It's not an excuse to be an asshole, 996 00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:10,980 but I tell myself, you know what? 997 00:32:10,980 --> 00:32:12,580 I stayed sober at the end of the day. 998 00:32:12,580 --> 00:32:14,940 And that was the one big thing today 999 00:32:14,940 --> 00:32:16,260 is that I didn't pick up, I didn't drink, 1000 00:32:16,260 --> 00:32:18,540 I didn't run and I didn't use, you know? 1001 00:32:18,540 --> 00:32:20,300 At the end of the day, that's all that matters here. 1002 00:32:20,300 --> 00:32:22,540 It's one day at a time that we stay sober and clean 1003 00:32:22,540 --> 00:32:24,620 and that we don't drink and use no matter what. 1004 00:32:24,620 --> 00:32:28,080 And so I wanna say I'm really grateful to be here. 1005 00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:29,940 I've had a really big day in AA today, 1006 00:32:29,940 --> 00:32:33,140 sat down at an AA workshop this morning 1007 00:32:33,140 --> 00:32:35,980 and read from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous 1008 00:32:35,980 --> 00:32:38,540 and got to a space to do, 1009 00:32:38,540 --> 00:32:40,420 they sit down, it's a bunch of guys sitting down 1010 00:32:40,420 --> 00:32:41,700 just having coffee and what we did 1011 00:32:41,700 --> 00:32:42,820 is we pulled out the big book 1012 00:32:42,820 --> 00:32:45,300 and we all took turns reading out of the big book 1013 00:32:45,300 --> 00:32:47,580 until we got to like the inventory part, 1014 00:32:47,580 --> 00:32:48,980 like right after the inventory part. 1015 00:32:48,980 --> 00:32:51,420 So that was like 72 pages, 73 pages 1016 00:32:51,420 --> 00:32:52,580 that we read this morning. 1017 00:32:52,580 --> 00:32:54,740 So I'm pretty AA'd up, if you know what I mean. 1018 00:32:54,740 --> 00:32:56,180 Like I'm feeling pretty solid. 1019 00:32:56,180 --> 00:32:58,900 And so, and I'm also starting to feel more comfortable 1020 00:32:58,900 --> 00:33:00,940 in sharing my story and sharing my experience 1021 00:33:00,940 --> 00:33:02,420 with everybody in Alcoholics Anonymous 1022 00:33:02,420 --> 00:33:04,300 because I realized at the end of the day, you know what? 1023 00:33:04,300 --> 00:33:06,100 My experience is about me and my higher power, 1024 00:33:06,100 --> 00:33:07,500 you know, at the end of the day. 1025 00:33:07,500 --> 00:33:10,700 I know that it is not me that got me sober. 1026 00:33:10,700 --> 00:33:12,860 I noticed that nobody and all those hundreds of people 1027 00:33:12,860 --> 00:33:15,660 that ever tried to help me, that got me sober, okay? 1028 00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:17,820 It was my relationship with my higher power 1029 00:33:17,820 --> 00:33:19,500 that helped me stay here, you know? 1030 00:33:19,500 --> 00:33:21,600 Shed some, I made some space. 1031 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,020 Shed some, I made some space, right? 1032 00:33:24,020 --> 00:33:26,060 I let go of some things and created space 1033 00:33:26,060 --> 00:33:28,220 for love and God's light to come into my life 1034 00:33:28,220 --> 00:33:30,140 and my life transformed, you know? 1035 00:33:30,140 --> 00:33:32,860 And here I am today just navigating this day, 1036 00:33:32,860 --> 00:33:36,260 this life day by day, one by one with all of you guys. 1037 00:33:36,260 --> 00:33:37,900 So thanks for letting me be here. 1038 00:33:37,900 --> 00:33:40,460 Oh, actually I'm leaving this.