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Hi, everyone. My name is Michelle. I'm an alcoholic. Hello to our newcomer on Zoom. Welcome. My sobriety date is November 2nd, 2009. My home group is the Rose City Speaker Meeting in Pasadena. Also, the Seal Beach Speaker Meeting in Seal Beach. And my sponsor is Teri B, and she knows she's my sponsor today.

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Haven't taken a drink today, you guys. I'm way ahead in the ballgame. That's what one of my very first sponsors used to say all the time. And I remember he would say it, and I was like, I don't even...

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Eventually, I was like, I don't know what that means. Can you just explain it to me? Like, I don't get it. And he was like, as long as I don't take a drink, then everything's good, no matter what, you know? And that makes sense to me, too. And it's funny, because I was... Gabe and I, yeah, we were driving up here, and I've actually been asked to speak kind of a little bit frequently recently. And we were driving up, and I'm like, I'm sick of hearing myself speak, you know? Like, I need to go to a meeting to hear someone else speak. And then you asked Gabe, and I was sitting there listening, and like, I was getting emotional.

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Listening to you. And I forgot that I'm supposed to speak after you. Like, I was like, that's my meeting. It's great. But I'm just so grateful I got to hear Gabriel tonight, too. Yeah, it was also really interesting with Gabe. I, you know, when I got here, and you guys talked about God, and I'm doing this a little bit out of order. But when I got here, and you guys talked about needing a higher power, it was difficult for me. I had some of my past stuff, and I will go into that a little bit more. But I always like to share that the one time I see God the most is like in the newcomers and Alcoholics Anonymous, you know?

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Yeah, I know.

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And it's like this beautiful thing. And the last time Gabe and I were here, and I got an opportunity to speak at this, not this meeting, but the Tuesday night meeting, Gabe took his very first one year cake was at this location. And I, when I see newcomers, and I see them, like the light coming back on, it's hard for me to deny God. And our literature talks about that. It talks about how like, it's a, it's something we won't want to miss is watching the newcomers, you know? But I've never seen it up close.

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And I say this almost at every meeting. I've never seen it up close, like I got to see it with Gabriel, you know, like, I met him. And like, yeah, he was kind of doing his thing. And I had a little bit of time. And I was kind of doing my thing. I had just actually like a little bit before meeting him ended an engagement. And so I wasn't really looking for something serious. I was like, whatever, this guy is like, cool. And like, we're just dating. And it's no big deal. And I was just doing my own thing. And I had been burned enough time in relationships. And I'll talk about that later, too. But I had been burned enough time to be able to say, like, I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do this. I

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to realize like, whatever anybody else is doing is none of my business. I just got to focus on what I'm doing. And like, it's all good, you know, and even when he would annoy me, I would talk to my sponsor. And my sponsor would just say, you know, just be nice, leave him alone, like, let him do his thing. And I'm just grateful because I had a sister who introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous. And she was so on fire for the program. We both got sober together. She had about a year and a half more than me. And, and when she was 10 and a half years sober, she took a drink, you know, and she's never come back and gave

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and I were talking, she would have 19 years this year, if she would have stayed. And I love my sister so much. I have seen people who have gotten this thing and like walk away from it. And I never expected that when Gabe said he wanted to get sober, I had no expectations. I've seen a lot of people come in here and they like, hang out or they drink the coffee or they don't get a sponsor, they do whatever, like 123. And they're out. I didn't know what was going to happen with Gabriel, I could have never expected what's happened. And like I said, seeing it every single day, watching his willingness,

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watching him get a strong sponsor go through the steps and like his complete like demeanor and personality change. It's insane. It's been an insane experience. And I always feel so like, grateful to have been able to see that because I really feel like how powerful God really is to come into our lives and like change us the way that we change, you know, the things that felt so impossible to like think is like things that we're doing today, you know, and I don't know, it's just been a really amazing experience.

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experience to be a part of. And yeah, to see him come up here in the way that he speaks about Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm grateful that we both love AA. I love AA so so much. And when I got here, it was two weeks before my 22nd birthday. I was like, I don't want to be an alcoholic, you know, like, I don't want it to be done yet. But I wasn't a cute I always say this, like, it's really been true to me recently that I've realized I was not a cute drunk at all. You know, my Seal Beach meeting has, you know, some some

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upper class people, which is very lovely and beautiful and nice. And I do appreciate them. But I remember this woman was speaking and she was like, Yeah, you know, I was sleeping up the corporate ladder and I was drinking champagne in Paris. And I'm like, if that was my life, I would have been drinking a lot longer. Like, I don't know if I would have let it go, you know. But that wasn't me. You know what I mean? I couldn't get out of my mom's house. Like I wasn't someone who just like took off or whatever. I barely graduated high school. And that's only because

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I didn't start drinking until I was 15. And I was a senior at 16 years old. It's really probably the only reason I was able to graduate because I stopped caring about school and all my responsibilities. I couldn't go to college. I barely hung on to my job at Red Lobster. You know what I mean? And probably it was just because it was a job at Red Lobster that they let me like kick it, you know. But it's like, and that was like my that was the only thing that I could hold on to that made it okay, that I was living the life I was living.

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Because you're not going to tell me what to do. But there was nothing else happening. And I thought like, I thought that like vacations and Paris and like all these wonderful things, college and houses, like I thought I was just going to be white trash. You guys don't maybe know yet, but my mom is white. So like, for me, it was like, I was just going to be white trash. Like I was just going to live in a trailer, just have my kids or whatever, like that was going to be me. I thought that those like fancy things were for like, really, really rich white people or something. You know what I mean?

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I didn't think they were for someone like me. And yeah, I just I had these like very abusive relationships. And it was both ways. It wasn't just on me. It was like me being abusive to other people because I was incapable of having romantic relationships. I was a very extreme person. I've been laughing about it recently. But I'm like the kind of drunk girl that opens the door on the freeway because I'm going to like throw myself out of the car kind of girl. You've dated a girl like that. I know you have. I know you have.

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Yeah, 100%. Like, I'm gonna kill myself. Pull over right now. Um, you know, and like go running down the street or something. You know, just like weird stuff. Crazy, insane behavior. Um, yeah. And I love how we say that a drunk horse thief coming into AA is just a sober horse thief. You know, I got in here and it's like, I just, I didn't have life skills just because I stopped drinking when I got here. And I don't think it's like, it's so interesting, the age factor, you know, because I've seen people

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come in and they're 45 and they be acting like they're 16 too. You know what I mean? So it doesn't really matter to be honest with you. I really think that we have to come in and like, I didn't realize that my problem, I think none of us do, but I didn't realize that I had this spiritual malady. And I want to tell you guys, I had this like very interesting, like I had a really deep read the other day about the spiritual malady and it's kind of stuck with me. And I really loved how it explained it. Usually when I come up and share, I talk about how like I was different than you. And I think we hear that a lot in the rooms, which is great. Awesome.

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Like I was different than you. I felt different. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. For me, it's like I grew up in Ventura County. I grew up in a very like nice white neighborhood. It was difficult for me with like a white parent and like white family. And obviously that's not how I look. You know, my, my friends growing up were Ashley, Katie and Nicole. My, my idols were like Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears. Like it just made me feel different. I remember seeing my cousin Yvonne's picture. Cause like, you know, you put family photos on there.

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And she had like this blonde perm and I like wanted to be just like her. I just thought she was so beautiful, you know? And I would look at myself and I felt plain and ugly and just like, you know, all these things. And like, I don't know. So any whoosies. But I, I read this read the other day and it was talking about the spiritual malady. And it was saying that the spiritual malady is like that selfishness and self-centeredness, like the root of my troubles, right? That is the spiritual malady. And it looks like restless, irritable and discontented.

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It looks like me.

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It looks like me focusing so much on myself that I'm like comparing myself to you and I'm uncomfortable in my skin today. It's like, I, I say this all the time. I am my best self when I'm of service to someone else. And it doesn't matter. It could be me sitting across from another alcoholic reading the big book. Um, today I went to my sister-in-law's baby shower and it was such a beautiful experience. You know, like I brought gifts that I thought she would love and I was excited to be there for her and like show up for her. Um, and when she was opening her gifts, like I was getting teary. Cause it's like the first day.

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And this side of the family and, um, I was just excited for her, you know, I was happy for her. And I, I just realized that I'm my best self when I'm of service. You know, when that spiritual malady is like arrested for a minute using the tools that I've learned here in Alcoholics Anonymous, I feel comfortable, you know, but when I'm not and I'm like waking up and the wheels are turning and I'm thinking about you or I'm thinking about what I don't have or what I need to get, or the, I don't even think of it as fierce. Typically I think of it like I need to make more money. I think of it like I need to lose some weight.

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I need to, you know, I have these like ideas, all of a sudden I'm uncomfortable. I'm like irritated because I'm not getting it fast enough, you know, and so I just really loved how it talked about that, you know, like that, that square peg in a round hole situation is my spiritual malady, you know, and I didn't realize that, that this really is a threefold disease. And alcohol really did help me with that. You know, it helped me the moment I took my first drink at 15. It was like the best thing that ever happened in my life. I love the effect produced by alcohol. I really do.

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I love everything about it, you know, and I chased that feeling. I gave a lot of things up for it. And like I said, I was not a cute drinker. And I only drank from 15 to like almost 22, which doesn't seem like that long. And I didn't like, I like to say this to any of you who like got married, could graduate college, had some kids, bought a house, for God's sakes, like, if y'all could do that, and you're drinking, my hats are off to you. Because like, I couldn't make that stuff happen. You know what I mean? No one was trying to marry me.

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Like,

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I was,

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I was crazy.

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But like,

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you know,

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some of you guys do these things,

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like get a degree or could like show up to a college class.

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Like,

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that's crazy.

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But for me,

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I was just busy trying to get the next one.

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And I had this delusion.

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One of my biggest delusions at the time of my drinking is that I was living the life that I wanted to live.

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You know,

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that this is where I wanted to be and how I wanted it to be and what I wanted to be doing.

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But I was like,

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so lost.

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I didn't know anything about my life.

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I remember when I first got sober,

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I used to say that I didn't even know what my favorite color was.

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That's like how separated from myself I was.

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I didn't know anything about who I was or what I was or what I liked or didn't like.

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Like,

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there was no sense of self anymore.

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I had just lost everything that I was,

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you know,

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and I always think it's interesting when we share things that have happened,

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you know,

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in our drinking.

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And then we kind of like shudder.

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Like,

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we're like,

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oh my gosh,

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that happened to them,

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you know,

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but I was telling Gabe the other day,

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like,

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I don't know why we do that because this is a tragic disease.

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And we do tragic things,

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you know?

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And I like that Gabe said,

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like,

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tailor-made butt whooping,

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you know?

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I sound like I'm cute,

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but I'm not.

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Trust me.

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I'm like Gabe.

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I like cuss like a sailor.

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But because it's true,

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I needed the same thing.

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I needed the same thing.

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My sister had gotten sober a year prior to me,

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and she was trying to get me here.

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She really was.

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She would bring me to AA meetings.

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She would introduce me to people.

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She was really on fire for Alcoholics Anonymous.

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But I just wasn't ready.

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And especially because you guys would talk about like lost the house,

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lost the kids.

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And I'm like,

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not me,

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not me.

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And I would just leave,

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you know,

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like I'm barely getting started.

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And I like to keep it to singleness of purpose,

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but drugs were a part of my story.

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And it wasn't until I turned 21 that I just always say that the bar room doors opened for me.

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You know,

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like before 21,

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it's like I'm trying to meet everyone at Carl's Jr.

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for something,

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you know?

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But after 21,

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I could like go meet my friends and just have like a bunch of sake bombs after work.

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And that's totally fine.

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That's totally acceptable.

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You know what I mean?

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And it got to the point where if you guys have,

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if anybody's ever worked in a restaurant,

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it got to the point where the only people who wanted to hang out with me were like the cooks in the back.

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You know what I'm talking about?

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They were,

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they were like,

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yeah,

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let's go to Chewy's and like hang out.

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Like,

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let's go hang out.

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And I remember like my sister was sober picking me up from Chewy's or whatever with these guys from my job.

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And yeah,

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I thought I was cool because I was like 15 years old or 16 years old and my boyfriend was 27.

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I thought that was cool.

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And it really wasn't.

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I didn't know not anything.

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And when I got here,

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I had terminated three pregnancies.

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I,

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I,

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nothing was going on for me in my life at all.

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Nothing.

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It was a very sad,

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sad situation.

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And just like Gabe,

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it just got to the point where I felt like at 21 years old,

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like I didn't feel like life had anything to offer me.

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Like I just was like,

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I have nothing to offer life.

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Life has nothing to offer me.

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Like why am I even here?

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Why am I even existing?

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You know?

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And I wanted to get sober one more time.

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Um,

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it was Halloween night of 2009 and I was hanging out with some people that I considered friends at the time.

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And they were offering me something for free that I would normally love to have for free because we love free stuff.

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And but I knew it was almost like it's like the moment of clarity or whatever it is where I'm like,

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if I take this right now,

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I'm going to wake up to what I always wake up to every single time,

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like without a doubt.

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And I just couldn't go through it through with it.

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I don't know what it was that just like moment of like,

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I can't keep doing this,

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you know?

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And I went to a women's stag at rafters in Santa Clarita.

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And it was when they had their old building.

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If you guys don't know,

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they tore down the old building and they have a new building now.

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Yeah.

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And so I walked up those stairs and it was a Monday afternoon.

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It was noon.

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And they usually at the time they had like split the room where they'd have the men on one side and the women on the other.

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And they would like there was like a divider and they would close it.

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And I don't know what the women said that day.

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But I remember I tried to like look the best I could for my first day in AA.

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You know, I took a shower.

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My hair was wet.

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And I was wearing like a tank top in my jean.

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I just I remember what I was wearing because I just remember thinking like I'm trying to show up like presentable or something.

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And I don't know what was said,

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but I all I did was cry.

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Like, I'm just here.

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You know, I'm just here.

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And I just feel like sometimes that's all it is here in AA.

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And I love that.

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You know, I love the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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I really do.

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I love that no matter how I show up or when I show up,

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like you guys always show up for me and it's vice versa.

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I really try to show up.

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For Alcoholics Anonymous.

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But it's like you guys get me and I'm sure we all can agree.

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It's like AA gets me in a way that nobody else does.

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I barely even take my problems to anyone outside of AA.

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Unless I want someone to like commiserate with me, you know, or like agree with me for a little bit.

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Then I'll like talk to someone outside the rooms.

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But any whoosies, I'm going off on a side tangent.

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So I, you know, I get here for that first day and I actually got a sponsor two weeks after I started and I was very scared.

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She spoke it.

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She spoke at the rafters and she actually lived in Palmdale at the time and she had this crazy story, super crazy story.

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And I was like, if I have to tell a four step to anyone, I'm going to tell it to her, you know?

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And so I remember going up to her and I was like shaking to ask her to be my sponsor.

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And she said, yeah.

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And I used to drive one time a week up to Palmdale.

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And I remember I literally remember driving up the 14 thinking like, why am I doing this?

191
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I'm like driving all the way to Palmdale to see this lady.

192
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But I used to drive all the way to Palmdale to see this lady.

193
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I used to drive to Palmdale to get loaded.

194
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Absolutely.

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Who hasn't driven to Palmdale to get loaded?

196
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You know what I mean?

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Lancaster, Bakersfield, Fraser Park.

198
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Come on now, like we've all been there.

199
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I don't know what it is with these desert communities, you know?

200
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:41,880
But yeah, so I just thought, like, I remember driving, just thinking, like, I've driven to Palmdale to get loaded.

201
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Like, I'm supposed to do the same things if I want to get sober.

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Shortly after I ended up getting a local sponsor and we started going through the steps.

203
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And, you know, I said that I was going to talk about that relationship with a higher power.

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And I just want to say

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that I just want to say, like, I just want to be so honest that when I got here, I did not know what I was doing.

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00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,240
OK, like, I just read what you told me to read.

207
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I read it and I talked about it to the best of my ability.

208
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If my sponsor asked me a question, I just did my best answering the question.

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I didn't always understand the work we were doing.

210
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You know, I didn't really understand.

211
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Like, it was just kind of like, do you believe in a God?

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And it's like, well, like, what does this really have to do with anything?

213
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I couldn't, like, really digest all of it in the moment, but I was doing it to the best of my ability.

214
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That's all I can say.

215
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So I'd read the readings and do whatever she told me to do.

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And so I was we were talking about a higher power.

217
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And I just have this, like, small story about God.

218
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,960
I remember going to church with a family when I was in, like, fifth grade.

219
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And my family is a is a Christmas and Easter prayer family.

220
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We're not like a church family.

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Didn't really know about Jesus or like whatever.

222
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I don't know about these stories.

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And I go with this Christian family and like I have nothing there's nothing wrong with Christianity at all.

224
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That's not my point here.

225
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It just is my story and my experience.

226
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I go to this church and there was a play going on.

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And these two guys are sitting on a wall and they're like, hey, Bill, are you in the book of life?

228
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And Bill's like, I'm not in the book of life.

229
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And he's like, do you want to do a prayer right now?

230
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And they're like, yeah, let's do a prayer.

231
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And they accidentally fall off the wall after the prayer.

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And they go to the gates of heaven because they died.

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And then they go to the gates of heaven and they're looking for their names in the book of life.

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And they're in there.

235
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And they like get welcomed into heaven.

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And it's like this beautiful moment, you know.

237
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And the next scene are like these two girls and they're in a car.

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And it's like, Jill, are you in the book of life?

239
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And she's like, no, I'm not in the book of life.

240
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But like, I'm a good person.

241
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You know, I really believe in all that Christianity stuff, but like good for you kind of thing.

242
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:40,200
And they get into a car crash and they die and they go to the gates of heaven.

243
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They're like looking in the book for Jill's name and they can't find it.

244
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And then the devil comes out and drags her to hell.

245
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And I'm just like, I'm like in the fifth grade.

246
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Okay.

247
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Like, I don't know anything about God or Jesus or Christianity or religion or anything.

248
00:18:56,520 --> 00:19:03,000
And yeah, so they asked if anybody wanted a prayer done for them that night.

249
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And I just like beelined it, right?

250
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:09,640
Like I get out of my chair and I'm like in the front, like on my knees in this church

251
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,880
being prayed to be put into the book of life.

252
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And I go home and I swear to you that I asked my mom, do you know about the book of life?

253
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:20,280
You know, does grandma know about the book of life?

254
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:20,760
I would.

255
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,720
I literally was afraid that I was going to be in heaven by myself,

256
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:27,320
but that my family didn't know about the secret of the book of life.

257
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,720
And that was my first experience with a higher power.

258
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:35,720
I, when I got sober, I did, I went to the AV roundup, Antelope Valley roundup.

259
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,640
And this gentleman had like all these cards with these AA sayings on them and they were

260
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,160
face down on the table.

261
00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:45,480
So you got to pick one and it's like your special, you know, meant for you AA card.

262
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:49,800
And I picked mine up and it said deep down in every man, woman and child is the fundamental

263
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idea of God.

264
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And I was a newcomer that was also a brat.

265
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And I'm like, this isn't a cool enough card.

266
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Like I want a different card.

267
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,440
Oh my God, I don't like this card.

268
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,600
And he was like, no, that's your card.

269
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:04,360
And, um, when I think about it, if I'm honest with myself and that's such a big part of

270
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:08,760
this program, and I love Gabe, how you share it, like on being honest with myself is scary

271
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:13,480
because then I have to face reality of what's happened, what I've done, what I've done to

272
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,720
other people, the reality of the situation.

273
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I don't want to do that.

274
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:18,600
You know, I just don't want to do it.

275
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I don't want to do these things.

276
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:20,520
Um, I don't want to do that.

277
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But when I'm honest with myself, I can look back on my life and, and recognize that there

278
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was a part of me that's always wanted a relationship with God.

279
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,200
I really just didn't know how to have it.

280
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:33,560
And it could have been the time that I was like on shrooms in the backyard.

281
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:38,200
And I was like, me and God are like so close, you know, like that I thought that there was

282
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:42,680
something bigger than me or that when I was a child and I would pray for my divorced parents

283
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:43,800
to get back together.

284
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:48,040
Or when I, you know, prayed because I believe that there was a God in this church.

285
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,520
And I love that Bill says in the literature.

286
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:54,680
Or, you know, that he was in the cathedral and he had this fleeting moment where he believed

287
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:59,560
that there was something bigger, but then it's like worldly calamity like gets in the way.

288
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And it just kind of like goes away.

289
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:03,640
And that was what it was for me too.

290
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:08,920
Even if I would think that I had this like moment in my life where I got close to God,

291
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:13,000
it was just fleeting, you know, something else came into play and I just forgot that

292
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:17,480
God existed or I wasn't trying to really develop the relationship with God.

293
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,960
And I'm like I said, for me, one of my biggest hangups.

294
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:24,440
And I had already mentioned it is, you know, I had terminated three pregnancies for a woman

295
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:24,920
like me.

296
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:30,600
It's like I really thought if there was a God or a Jesus or whatever that I was like

297
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,360
not in the book of life anymore.

298
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:33,080
You know what I mean?

299
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:37,640
That like God, it took a fat scrap sharpie and scratched me out of that book.

300
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,440
And like I'm not, you know, what am I going to have to do?

301
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:41,400
And that's what it felt like.

302
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:42,760
Like, what am I going to have to do?

303
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,600
What water am I going to get dunked in?

304
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:46,360
What prayer do I have to do?

305
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:49,880
And I love that our book says that the hoop we have to jump through is a lot

306
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:50,920
larger than we think.

307
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,600
You know, it's like this idea of God.

308
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:57,960
And so at the time, my sponsor gave me a blank sheet of paper and she folded the paper in

309
00:21:58,040 --> 00:21:58,280
half.

310
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,360
So now I have like two halves of a paper.

311
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,480
On one side, she asked me to write down everything I thought God was.

312
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,320
And it's all the things I just described to you guys.

313
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,000
I was very afraid of a higher power.

314
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:10,440
I was very afraid of God and like afraid of all the things you guys were doing.

315
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:13,880
And it is scary because we say like church prayers in here.

316
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:17,480
And sometimes even now, I like look around and I'm like, do we know what we're doing?

317
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,400
Like, you know, it's like so trippy.

318
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:20,280
Like, it's really trippy.

319
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:23,880
I could understand, you know, being a newcomer and being afraid or thinking it's a cult or

320
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:24,360
whatever.

321
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:26,360
And on the other side, it's true.

322
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:30,520
And on the other side, you know, I wrote down everything that I thought God, she asked me

323
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,520
to write down everything I wanted God to be.

324
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:38,120
And I wrote down like happy tears and my best friend and rainbows and sunshines and just

325
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,120
very, very basic things.

326
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,720
And she tore or she like ripped the paper in half.

327
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:48,040
So I had the two lists and she ripped up what I thought God was and she handed me what I

328
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:48,840
wanted God to be.

329
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:52,600
And that was my first conception of a higher power here in Alcoholics Anonymous.

330
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:58,680
And I love when we try to share our experiences with higher powers or like, is it odd or is it

331
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:00,760
God moments or like, you know what I mean?

332
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:04,840
Things that happen where it's like each of us have had these experiences that have allowed

333
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:09,400
us to I love how the big book says step from the bridge of reason to the shore of faith

334
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:15,160
here in AA that we've seen God working or we have experienced God working in our lives.

335
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,720
And sometimes it's like, I can't explain it well.

336
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:22,040
I just know it in my innermost self, you know, and that's what I mean by watching Gabe get

337
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:27,240
sober has been an extreme I wish you got I gave should show some pictures after because

338
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:32,280
like, you know, his I didn't I didn't meet I didn't meet him with blue hair, but like

339
00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:34,280
he had the blue girls going on.

340
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:35,240
And you know what I mean?

341
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:40,200
Like, but it's like, even the man that I met in the way that he thought, and I think about

342
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:44,600
it to the people who watched me come in who are still around and have seen me today like

343
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:47,240
they see they've seen the same in me too.

344
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:53,320
You know, these like entire life transformations that this entire personality shift.

345
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:58,440
I also love that Gabe and I were talking about it, the 10 step promise where it's like I've

346
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:03,400
been placed in a position of neutrality, you know, like my mom is sober today.

347
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:08,200
She's been sober almost 14 years, which is a beautiful thing, but she's not an Alcoholics

348
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:08,920
Anonymous.

349
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,680
You know, she she chooses to do it on her own, which is totally fine.

350
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:16,520
But she's talked about how she avoids the aisles and grocery stores.

351
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:21,160
And it's like, I have been placed in a position of neutrality, you know, as long as I do this

352
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:25,960
daily reprieve, which looks different every day, you know, Gabe, so beautiful.

353
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,440
He literally prays and meditates every day.

354
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:32,680
I like call my sponsor, I do my prayers and meditation outside of our home.

355
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:34,600
But it's like every day is a little bit different.

356
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,720
And sometimes my like spiritual reprieve is something like this.

357
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:41,800
Sometimes it's, it was so funny, we were driving and like, I got a call.

358
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,680
Like I said, I've been speaking kind of frequently.

359
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,360
And I'm like, okay, God, like, do you just think I'm

360
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:47,320
really sick right now?

361
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:48,280
Or what's up?

362
00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:49,720
I got a call on the way.

363
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:50,840
I got a call on the way up.

364
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:52,840
And like, it was like some newcomers at a rehab.

365
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:54,840
And they're like, can you pick us up for the meeting on Monday?

366
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:58,680
And I'm like, yes, but I just need to coordinate because I pick up my sponsee, I'm picking

367
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,440
up an elderly woman who's very ill right now and bringing her to the meeting.

368
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:03,960
And yes, I can pick you guys up too.

369
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:08,280
And I'm just like, okay, my service and like my getting out of myself and like my daily

370
00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:11,480
reprieve, like, it can sometimes look a little different along the way.

371
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:16,280
But I have to keep in mind, like the things that work and always work, you know, in my

372
00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:21,960
my sponsor and me have been like, deepening what my daily work has to look like, like,

373
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:26,360
she literally wants me to write, she wants me to write something that annoys me.

374
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:30,840
And then the spiritual like response to that, like, what would be the deepest spiritual

375
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,040
response that I could have to it and like to try to do that today.

376
00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:37,480
And it's like, this thing just like, it feels like it never ends, you know, like, not in

377
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:39,080
a bad way, not in a bad way.

378
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:42,360
Like, it just continues to get deeper and deeper.

379
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:46,040
You know, when I first got here, it was like, still okay to kind of lie a little bit, you

380
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,560
know, like, I can be like, a year sober and still kind of lie.

381
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:53,240
And today, it's like, I'm so uncomfortable when I lie.

382
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:57,480
Like, I've, I'm so grateful for the relationship I have with my sponsor today.

383
00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:00,280
And I did not always have strong sponsorship, either.

384
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:04,920
I had a very strong sponsor when I got here and had strong sponsorship for about my first

385
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,200
four and a half years.

386
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:07,880
And life got real lifey.

387
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,880
Life got really beautiful and big, you know, I was in Santa Clarita, I was at the rafters,

388
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:15,960
I had my sponsor, I had my sister, I had my home group, like, it was a beautiful life.

389
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:16,760
It was a beautiful thing.

390
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:21,240
And then I got accepted to college at USC for engineering.

391
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:25,160
And like, that was a really amazing experience that happened for me.

392
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,760
But it separated me from like, all the things I was used to.

393
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:31,640
And you would think like, Santa Clarita is not really that far.

394
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:35,480
And I tried to drive from LA to Santa Clarita.

395
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:39,720
No, it was like the worst ever.

396
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:41,080
And it was the worst ever.

397
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:45,800
I think the only thing that saved me because at that point, I no longer had.

398
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:50,440
I had like distanced myself from my sponsor, I wasn't seeing her at meetings anymore.

399
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:51,960
I was kind of doing my own thing.

400
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:57,320
I was in school, I was so busy with life, you know, I didn't have a home group like

401
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:58,600
a set home group.

402
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,280
And it was really just like service work that kept me here.

403
00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:07,320
I'm so grateful because at that time in my sobriety, I'd really met young people in AA,

404
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:10,600
which in Santa Clarita, they didn't have at the time, you know, it was just me and the

405
00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:15,080
old timers, which again, I think is just was a good basis for my own sobriety.

406
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:16,840
But I just started running with the young people.

407
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:19,240
We were out like doing conventions all the time.

408
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:21,480
My car was always packed with people.

409
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:24,840
We were always doing like so such fun things together.

410
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,800
But I was my program was suffering.

411
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,760
My program was suffering because I wasn't growing spiritually.

412
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:34,840
I wasn't checking in with a sponsor and like, you know, evaluating what was happening.

413
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,560
And I started burning bridges and Alcoholics Anonymous too.

414
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:41,720
I was burning bridges with romantic relationships and friendships.

415
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:44,840
There's one friend that I have in AA where we live together.

416
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:48,280
And I essentially was like, well, I'm going to go move in with my boyfriend now and like

417
00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:53,160
help them get someone else for the lease, but like pretty much just ditch them, you know?

418
00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:57,560
And at that time it felt okay because like, don't you know that I'm in love and I'm allowed

419
00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:58,760
to just like leave now.

420
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:03,560
Um, and I've never really been able to like fix that relationship and I've tried to ask

421
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:07,400
if I can make an amends, you know, and they've just never really responded about it.

422
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:12,920
So I've like caused harm in AA because I wasn't willing to do the spiritual work and I met

423
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:13,880
my sponsor.

424
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:14,680
And, um, I was like, I'm going to do this.

425
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:16,520
I was in a terrible relationship at the time.

426
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:20,760
I knew things were like just going south in my sobriety and I had been praying to my higher

427
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:21,160
power.

428
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:26,120
Like I need a sponsor, like I need a sponsor and boy, did he give me a sponsor, you know,

429
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:29,800
someone that annoys me, someone who calls me on my shit, sorry, on my stuff.

430
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:33,880
And, um, it's just direct, but kind and loving.

431
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:35,080
And that's what I needed.

432
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:37,000
I really, really needed that.

433
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,800
I needed someone who was going to tell me, and it seems weird.

434
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:43,240
I needed someone who was going to tell me how to dress at a meeting, which is a weird

435
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:44,600
thing to say, but I needed it.

436
00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:48,920
You know, I needed someone to tell me that showing up to the meeting on time is, or yeah,

437
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:53,240
showing up to the meeting on time, isn't getting here at 7 30 when the meeting starts, you know,

438
00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:58,280
it's coming before having commitments, having a home group, seeing me every single week.

439
00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:00,520
These are the things that I need you to do.

440
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:04,600
And it like completely shifted my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous.

441
00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:09,640
She deeply taught, taught me about the traditions and Alcoholics Anonymous, which I had not

442
00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:11,080
really cared about before.

443
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:14,520
I had not really thought about the group more than myself and what that meant.

444
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:18,360
I had not really thought about what it meant to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

445
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:20,120
And I appreciate that with her.

446
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:24,760
And she taught me how to make like real living amends to my parents too, which I don't have

447
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:27,160
a lot of time to talk about, but I'm just grateful.

448
00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:29,480
I'm so grateful for strong sponsorship.

449
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:33,480
And if it wasn't for her, because like I said, I had been burning my relationships up to

450
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:34,360
that point.

451
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:38,280
And when I met Gabe, she's the one who taught me to just shut up sometimes, you know, and

452
00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:42,440
I say sometimes because Gabe is here, so he can say that I don't shut up all the time.

453
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:44,440
Um, but to shut up sometimes, you know?

454
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:46,520
And, um, I'm just so grateful.

455
00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:51,320
I'm so grateful for strong sponsorship and I'm so grateful to the program of Alcoholics

456
00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:52,280
Anonymous.

457
00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:57,080
I really, you know, I used to say like years ago, I would be like, I'm a woman of dignity

458
00:29:57,160 --> 00:29:57,560
and grace.

459
00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:01,800
I don't even really want to say that right now because it's like, can I really say that?

460
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:05,800
I, am I really doing what I'm supposed to be doing at all times?

461
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:07,720
All I know is that I'm willing to try.

462
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:08,760
That's all I can say.

463
00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:12,280
I'm, I'm willing and I don't want to lose my C and AA.

464
00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,360
I've watched a lot of people get some.

465
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:19,000
Ideas around here and then we just don't see them for a while and then they come back

466
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:20,360
or then they, or they don't.

467
00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:23,160
And it's like, I love my life in Alcoholics Anonymous.

468
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:23,720
I really do.

469
00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:25,480
I love my life today.

470
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:28,520
It's bigger and fuller than I could ever experience.

471
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:31,800
Gabe and I's biggest problem today is that we don't have enough time.

472
00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,200
You know, it's like I got to go to a baby shower today.

473
00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:35,480
I'm speaking tonight.

474
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:37,240
I got to share at a meeting last night.

475
00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:39,880
I'm going to my sister's master graduation tomorrow.

476
00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:43,320
Like I get to have this really big and beautiful full life.

477
00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:43,640
You know?

478
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,480
We get to have friends that love us.

479
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,160
I love so much.

480
00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:50,760
One of my favorite things ever is that our family loves that we're together.

481
00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:54,680
That just hasn't always been the case for me that I've dated people that my family approves

482
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:58,440
of or that they're excited, you know, that they're excited us for us to try to start

483
00:30:58,520 --> 00:30:59,080
to have children.

484
00:30:59,160 --> 00:30:59,800
Thank you.

485
00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:01,880
Um, and I'm just, I'm just grateful.

486
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:06,520
I'm, I'm grateful to AA and I just am grateful that today I get to be a little bit more comfortable

487
00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:11,320
in my skin and I get to be a little bit more excited for life and I just get to like share

488
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:13,560
and also congratulations on 10 years.

489
00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:14,760
That's a big deal.

490
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:16,200
That's like insane.

491
00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:17,480
It's so exciting.

492
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:18,200
The crazy thing.

493
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:22,280
Last thing I'll say is like, I'm, I'm, it's crazy to think I'm 16 and a half years sober.

494
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:26,520
I never thought in a million years, but I keep thinking like, oh my God, when am I like an

495
00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:27,160
old timer?

496
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:28,200
That's so weird.

497
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,880
Like, I don't want to be an old timer, a long timer.

498
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:33,080
I keep saying long timer.

499
00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:38,040
I'm like, you know, the long timers or whatever, but, um, I just hope the last thing I'm going

500
00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:43,240
to say is I just hope that, um, I can be a long timer that carries the integrity and

501
00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:48,840
authenticity and truth that Alcoholics Anonymous is and carry that torch for the next people

502
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:53,240
because it was so freely given to me and in such like a beautiful fashion.

503
00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:56,200
So just thank you so much for my life and thank you for listening.