Can everybody hear me?
Can you hear me now?
Okay.
Hi everybody, I'm Vicki and I'm an alcoholic.
I like to meet you.
Oh my God, I'm so glad to be here.
And you know, I wanna thank Abraham for,
I hope I don't freeze.
I have really bad connection here,
so hopefully this will work.
Abraham for calling me and my friend, Rich,
who has been not feeling very good,
who referred me to Abraham to call me
so that I'm here tonight.
And that's kind of how it works,
like the ripple effect, right?
Somebody knows somebody and somebody knows somebody
and here we are.
You know, I love Zoom.
Zoom is my, you know,
is just something that I really appreciated
from our pandemic.
I am so grateful tonight because it kept me
from driving two and a half hours to see y'all.
Not that I wouldn't have done it,
I would have gone to any lengths,
but this is so much easier.
So I'm really grateful for Zoom.
And you know, in our fourth edition,
it states clearly modem to modem or in person,
we carry the message.
So really grateful for that.
Let's see, do I have 35 minutes?
What do I got?
Yeah, yes.
Okay, I'm timing myself here.
Start now.
Okay, so, you know, I've been sober a long time.
I got sober August 28th, 1988.
I hear there's other, you know, 88s
in the class of 88 in the room.
So if I don't have a phone, I'm gonna call you.
Okay, so I'm gonna call you.
If I don't have a drink, I'll be 38 years sober in August.
So that's, you know, to me, it's like, wow.
You know, I can't believe it.
You know, I got sober when I was 10, clearly.
No, I got sober in my late 20s.
Hey, okay, hey.
You know, I drank and used for 17 years,
but I've been sober way much longer.
And, you know, I love Alcoholics Anonymous.
You know, I love talking about Alcoholics Anonymous.
I love more than anything, the biggest thing, you know,
I love talking about Alcoholics Anonymous.
I love more than anything.
The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous
that, you know, has changed my life.
And everything like, I think our 10 minute,
I forgot your name already.
I'm terrible with names.
Said, you know, everything in it,
there is a solution to everything
and the big book has it, you know, it truly does.
So I try to stay centered.
I try to stay centered in that book, you know?
So that's my sobriety date.
I go to a book study on Thursday nights.
Please come and join us in Covina.
Only take you a couple hours to get there.
And it's a great book study.
It's six to seven at the Prince of Peace Church in Covina.
I also go to a woman's meeting.
I really, really suggest go to your gender meeting
and it's a good thing to be with your fellows, you know?
And then I go to a speaker meeting
and our speaker meeting in Covina is kind of known, you know,
it's been around for a lot of years.
And, you know, you know what they say about Covina, sobriety,
sobriety capital of the world.
So I don't hear a lot about it.
I don't hear a lot about it.
I don't really know.
I don't know a lot about it.
I really don't know.
So anyway, I, you know,
I came to Alcoholics Anonymous when I was young.
But in a very short period of time here,
I'm going to tell you what it was like,
what happened to me
and what I'm doing now to stay sober.
I'm really upset about it.
I don't know.
I don't know how I'm going to handle it.
I just want to do it.
And I'm just like,
I'm not going to do it.
I, uh, you know, I, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous when I was young, but, uh, in a very short period
of time here, I'm going to tell you what it was like, what happened to me and, and what I'm doing
now to stay sober. Um, and what that looks like. Um, so here we go. So, you know, I, uh, came from
a very normal, uh, uh, family, you know, my, well, hello, let's, let's read back up a little
bit. Um, you know, I, my mom and dad were great parents. My mom, um, was a stay at home mom. And
my dad was a police officer, LAPD's finest. Um, and I, you know, I grew up in a home, uh, where,
you know, it was loving and kind, you know, very loving and kind. And of course you're going to
have your, your stuff that goes on, you know, the elephants in the room and all the stuff, um,
little dysfunctional, whatever, you know, um, I have, uh, I have a, uh, older brother, a couple
years older than me. And, um, unfortunately to me, when I was seven years old, um, my parents
decided without me to stay sober. Um, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,
without my permission to have my younger brother. And, uh, he's seven years younger. And, um, I say
that because, um, you know, we're, we're great friends today. I love him dearly, but, you know,
growing up as the only girl, daddy's little girl. And, um, and also, uh, the youngest when he was
born, you know, my, the, the whole dynamic of my family changed. And, uh, my perception was this,
that they didn't love me as much as they loved him. And, um, you know, and I didn't get what I
needed and, you know, what I wanted. I was a spoiled little girl. And I, um, you know, I, I was
just one of those, like, I believe I have out, I had alcoholism from the gate. Um, I had the
tendencies, you know, um, growing up, I was liar, cheater, um, thief, you know, um, I, you know,
I wasn't a very kind little girl, you know? Um, and I think that, um, that I just had a lot of the
isms, if you will, you know, growing up and, um, and I, you know, sure. I'd like to blame it on,
you know, all this stuff, but I can't, you know, because the truth is, is what I have is
alcoholism, which changes my perception. So my perception growing up was very twisted and very
wrong, you know, and, and after being here for a lot of years, you know, and doing a lot of work,
you know, you learn these things about yourself that in hindsight, if you just knew, you know,
as I grew up and I was a young adult and all this stuff that, you know, some of my choices would
have been different. You know, I was constantly turning,
uh, left instead of right. You know, I was always placing myself in a position to be hurt all the
time. And then I blamed them for it. You know, um, there's always, he's, you know, in our stories,
um, you know, there's always a him or her and I had a lot of them, you know, I had, uh, just what
it took to, um, you know, to, because what happened for me is my relationships also became
very obsessional for me. I, they were obsessions, um, you know, just to, because I felt that I
didn't have enough attention. There was never,
never enough attention for me. And so, um, you know, as I was growing up, I got attention to
anywhere I, I, I could, you know, and it's usually from, uh, you know, from little boys when I was
younger, I'm at a very young age. And as I grew up, you know, it was always about, you know,
trying to get somebody to love me or, you know, any, I don't care if, you know, they were your
boyfriend or, or even your husband, you know, um, sometimes I borrowed that and then, you know,
that then they always went back, you know, I don't care if, you know, I don't care if they
I was always like, I always just, I'd never had something that belonged to me. I always was
borrowing. And, um, you know, again, I was not a very nice person growing up. And, um, and, you
know, I had my first drink when I was 12 and, uh, you know, we were sitting, I was sitting out with
the fellows in the park and drinking, uh, Spaniotta, passing the bottle around. And I had taken, uh,
some of my friends' diet pills, you know, so, um, high powered amphetamines and alcohol is part of
the amphetamines, the high powered amphetamines got different and, and stronger as the years went
on. Um, there were times when I could absolutely, um, you know, go for a while, a period of time
without drinking, you know, in the beginning, you know, I was partying just to hang out with
my fellows just to be like noticed, you know, I could do that. And Hey, you want some of these?
Sure. I'll take some of those. And, um, you know, I, I, anything to make me feel different because
even though I was loved as a little girl and had a head of good family, you know, I always felt
different and awkward and, um, not enough, you know? And so, um, growing up too, you know,
when I was a little girl, I did a lot of like fantasizing and wanting this, wanting something
other than I had. Um, and I was very much, um, an introvert, you know, um, at school I would read
quietly, um, you know, on the steps instead of playing with everybody in the,
recess. And, um, and so these are, are things that, um, that I found out about myself, you know,
as, like I said, as, you know, I learned a little bit more about me during, through inventory and
through a lot of work. Um, you know, of course it's like, I just wanted to be happy, you know,
no matter what, if you just did this, then I was going to be better, you know, and I would wait,
you know, for you to change, for me to feel better and for things to change for me to feel
better. I never thought for a minute that I was going to be better. I never thought for a minute
that I could change or that I should, you know? Um, so, you know, I drank and used, um, a little
bit of this and a little bit of that, you know, um, for 17 years and, um, I was 29 going, almost
going on 30. Um, and, uh, you know, one day I just couldn't do it anymore. You know, I was,
you know, uh, strung out, looked like that alcoholic, you know, the whole look that we get.
And, um, and I was scared. I was scared that my daddy was going to find out, you know, he
said people like me, you know, I was, I was ashamed and I was full of guilt and, um, and full
of fear. And, uh, you know, one day I got home after a four day binge and, um, and came home
and knew that I wasn't going to make it to work again. And, um, and I fell to my knees and I asked
God, God is good always. And, uh, the God that I grew up with, you know, um, a good Catholic girl
and my daddy used to take me to church every Sunday. Um, and, uh, you know, and, and I knew,
that, that, that there was a God and that if anybody can help me, it's going to be him.
And so, you know, I fell to my knees and I asked God for God help, help me, help me. I'm sick. And
I don't know what to do. And that first intuitive thought that, that we get around here, you know,
after we've been here for a bit, um, I intuitively knew to call my parents, you know? Um, so I called
at four o'clock in the morning and, um, you know, it's never a good thing to call, you know, when
your dad answers the phone at four o'clock in the morning. Um, you know, and I told them that what
was going on, you know, and that I needed help. And they, uh, you know, they helped me, you know,
they came and got me and I detoxed on their couch. And then I went to my first meeting two days
later. Now it wasn't an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I came through the back door of AA and,
um, you know, and the first time I went to the, so there was my whole family, mom, dad, brother,
girlfriends, whatever of my brothers, you know, where there we were all, um, at this meeting,
and I was, it was kind of different for me. A lot of people go to their first meeting and they
don't hear anything. They don't want to be there. And I was so grateful that I was in this meeting.
I was so grateful that these people, um, were like me. And, um, and so, you know, I was sobbing,
my family was sobbing and I stood up and said, yes, I'm an alcoholic. And, um, and my journey
began. Um, I changed fellowships for a bit and, uh, you know, and, and, uh, sooner or later I
made, you know, I was always going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Um, I'd go to our main speaker
meeting. Um, and I kind of sat in the back and listened and, and watched the, um, you know,
the fashion show, all the old timers wearing their, their really nice clothes and, you know,
speaking at the podium and everybody was polite. And I, you know, I just wanted what they had and
I didn't feel comfortable even really acknowledging, uh, or opening up my mouth because I just thought
that I had to do something. I had to do something. I had to do something. I had to do something.
I had, um, you know, uh, a little cocaine problem. I just thought that I had, you know,
I didn't understand what alcoholism was. I had no idea what alcoholism was, although I did get
sober in the big book. Um, you know, but we would cross out alcohol and put drugs, you know, I mean,
it wasn't until I actually went through the book with somebody who had great knowledge of the book
and the steps and explained to me what alcoholism was and explained to me, um,
that I had a spiritual malady, a sickness in my spirit, you know, along with, um, you know,
with an alcoholic mind, you know, that, um, you know, that would, would say things to me
that like, you know, I had this peculiar twist in my, in my thinking and you know what,
I got to get my job. Hey, um, sorry about that. Um, you know, the mental, the peculiar,
the mental twist, the, um, you know, the thing that says, uh, oh, this is going to be okay.
And then I do it anyway, you know? Um, and then just those things that, and then, but mostly,
you know, that, that physical allergy, I didn't understand that. I didn't understand
the allergy, the fact that I couldn't stay stopped. And the reason is, is because,
you know, I had an allergy to alcohol and any, any other substance from the neck up. Um, and,
you know, and I, and I,
I could not say no, you know, I have this craving beyond my control. And so learning the true
nature of my disease was so very important. Um, and I really suggest if anybody, um, has a problem
with not understanding what your, the true nature of alcoholism is, is to ask questions and to find
that out. Um, because, you know, that sets you up for the solution, you know? And so, um, you know,
so, so I did, I used to go to these
and not really understand. And so when I landed in Alcoholics Anonymous and, and actually understood
this disease, I was able to get into the solution, um, with all my might, you know, and I love
Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, I love, um, talking about the book and, um, you know, and helping,
uh, others to recover through the big book, you know, of Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, when I was,
um, 10 years sober, um, you know, I, um, I had a, I, you know, I was, uh, in a relationship,
um, with somebody that had relapsed and I, uh, you know, I was just crazy as a loon and, um, and
the women held me up, you know, it w if it wasn't for the women, I, I don't think that I would have
would have, uh, I would have probably killed him, but, um, you know, even when I was so growing up
and having twisted relationships, you know, the book talks about our relationships and being unable
to have them, uh, true partner, true partnerships. And, and, you know, is because I, I, I, I kind of
missed that chapter in the book, like our 10 minute speaker was talking about, you know, um,
I missed, you know, I, I totally missed that chapter and I, and I, I still have problems
in relationships, you know, I mean, I, I have, um, you know, I, I still have some inability to like,
um, be comfortable in my, in that area, you know? So, um, so that's why I really try to stay,
um, in the book and, and to, to like, see this, the truths of my own behavior. Um,
so when I was 20 years sober, um, 12, let's go back to 12 years sober. Um, my mom, um, got really
sick and I was able to help her through that. You know, my dad died when I was 24 years sober. Um,
and you know, uh, that was pretty tragic. However, you know, I, I was able to like help my family
through that. Um, uh, you know, again, an intuitive thought, you know, that I was able to
like, know what was going on. And my parent, my, my mom was still in denial and it was,
it was very difficult for her, um, and my brothers, you know, but, uh, I, I, I really
believe that if it wasn't for Alcoholics Anonymous, that would have been a really
hard course for me to take. Um, you know, and I, um, I have always been like a lever of service
of this fellowship, you know? So anybody's bored, there's no reason to be bored. There's so many
things to do in Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and when I was a little over 20 years sober, I think
I started really getting involved with service. I mean, I was,
secretary of meetings, I was doing this kind of stuff, but to actually get involved with the
backside of Alcoholics Anonymous, if you will, you know, um, so, you know, I, I really enjoyed,
like I was the DCM of our district for a couple of years, actually for two terms. Um, I got
involved and, um, and I still am involved in our district. Um, so if again, you know, you have,
you're tired of being secretary at a meeting or having just meeting, uh, service, uh, um,
uh, jobs, you know, try to get involved with, with your, your district and, and then the area
and learn about our service structure that, um, that we so desperately need, you know, that keeps
us as Alcoholics Anonymous and, um, you know, and just know, just having like some experience
in service and that, you know, we'll, we'll give you kind of a new sense of belonging to
Alcoholics Anonymous, you know? Um, so I love service, um, and, uh, but mostly I love service.
I love the book, you know, I really like, um, being, uh, I, I, I love taking new people through
the book or old people, older people that have really never gone through it or that want to go
through it again, you know, um, to break that book down and, and, and, and to explain the history of
Alcoholics Anonymous and, um, you know, and how fabulous Bill was. He was crazy as a loon, but,
you know, he was fabulous. And, um, to be able to come up with, you know, with our principles and
our steps, um,
you know, from, and to be able to like, give us this great, um, you know, this great fellowship
that we have. Um, I, you know, I, I just, I just don't know, you know, what I would do without
Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I, um, I, you know, I went, when I was 27 years sober, um,
I was going through this weird, like my dad had just died and I just didn't like, I had my foot
in service and I wasn't going to a lot of meetings and, you know, and I just wasn't sure. Um, I,
you know, we have our journey.
Right. And sometimes we're on fire with Alcoholics Anonymous. We're on fire with
everything, you know, and then other times we aren't, you know, and I, this was a, we aren't
time. And, um, and my sponsor had just died and, um, and I got, and so I just like thought,
ah, you know, I'm going to this one meeting in somebody's backyard and I just wasn't really into
it, you know? And, um, and that's, you know, when that happens, when we become untreated and we're
not doing the deal, we're not doing the three steps. We're not doing the three steps. We're
not doing the three sides of the triangle. You know, we need to do unity, recovery, and service.
We need to carry the message. We need to stay in our steps and we need to go to meetings.
And I just kind of wasn't doing all that. And I felt it, you know, I felt it in the way that I
reacted, the way that I interacted with people. And, um, you know, and it was a, it was a hard
time for me. And, um, and so somebody elected me to be the speaker, the, the secretary of our
speaker meeting. And I had, you know, 26, I had quite a bit of time at the time. And, you know,
and, and, and I, and I, people knew me, but, you know, I, I was like even unable to look at them
in the eyes, you know? So that meeting really changed my life to be able to like be a part of
and do, um, do AA, you know, with some of the old timers that knew me and they were like,
where have you been? You know, self-centered me. Um, and you know, so I, uh, I, it just kind of
really changed for me. And, um, and then, you know, when I actually like started practicing,
some of these principles in all my affairs, you know, we say that all the time, are we doing the
deal? Are we really practicing the principles? I would think, Oh yeah, you know, I've done all my
steps, done my inventories a couple of times I've done, um, you know, 10 steps I've written this
and that, you know, but the deal is, was I keeping myself accountable? You know, was I really looking
for the flaws in my makeup every day so that I didn't have to do a four column,
10th step, you know, because I, so I didn't have to have all this stuff that was, you know,
propping up and, you know, and, and, and I had all these resentments. I don't want to live like
that anymore. And I really believe that Bill designed our maintenance steps, uh, to be just
that, to maintain my sobriety. Um, and, and in, in order to do that, I have to do some things every
day. You know, I don't call my sponsor every day. I call her once a week. She just moved to
Tennessee. Um, you know, but, uh, so I don't do that. And I go to three meetings a week, sometimes
four. Um, and I stay in the book, but what I do do is I do a 10th step every day. And you know,
when, when we like, if you remember when you did your fourth step, right. And your sponsor sent
you home and said, after you did your fifth step and sent you home and said, I want you to take
out that book. And I want you to go through all five proposals and make sure that you're sound,
make sure that, that you don't have any questions and that you didn't,
leave anything out and that you have a firm foundation, you know, and that you didn't skimp
on the motor cement and that, um, you know, that you have your keystone and your cornerstone,
which is the second and third step. Um, because then you're ready for your six and seven step,
which by the way, if you did, when you did your inventory, your sponsor is probably writing in
the corner, all these things about you, um, along with your fourth column. And, you know,
unfortunately we just leave it at that, you know, okay, we have all these defensive character
things, you know, we'll work on it later. Um, and they continuously prop up. So after that,
you know, then we do, we, we make our, our amends, you know, um, the, our first initial amends,
which, which are, you know, sometimes harder, hard to do. Sometimes not, you do the family,
you do all those things. And we initially get that, that reprieve, you know, some of those
promises start coming true for us. You know, it says when we're halfway done, you know,
our ninth step, our promises start coming true, you know? Um,
and then we get into step 10, right? And it says, continue to take personal inventory or,
you know, when you have, and then it talks about some of, some of the inventory work that you're
supposed to do in the 12 and 12, but really doesn't say much. What we don't read in the 10th
step in the big book is that it says we continue to look for all these defects of character. We
look for anger, resentment, fear. We look for self-righteousness, which is my biggest thing.
Um, you know, we look for these things,
things that crop up and when they crop up, we ask God immediately to remove them, right? So now
we've done four and then we four, six and seven. And then we, we talk to our sponsor or we share
about it. That's five. Um, and if we own amends, we do that promptly admit it are wrong. And that's
eight, nine. So now we've done steps four through nine, which is what our 10 step is a daily four
through nine. And I started doing that rigorously. And, um, you know, and there's so many things,
that I didn't realize were still cropping up. You know, the book talks about old ideas and,
you know, and those old ideas, those things like, you know, my, I still have issues with that
brother, you know, because my mom loves him more than he loves. She loves me, you know,
and those things crop up and then I react. And when I react, I respond and, and, you know,
to things that, that in my mind would could totally be an illusion, you know, because I
suffer from illusions and delusions that, you know, are, are truly maybe not even,
they're, you know, I have the ability to mislead my own mind. You know, I can like think of
something that really isn't going on. And boy, by the end of that, if this is, it's something
that really isn't happening, you know? Um, I think we call that going down the rabbit hole.
Um, you know, and, and so I have this brain of mine that, that these things, these old ideas
from when I was younger and, you know, keep cropping up in my life, character defects
nest don't necessarily go away. You know, they, some of, some of the grosser ones do,
I think, but a lot of them keep cropping up in my, in, at least in my life, you know,
in my 37 years sober, but I have to like, look at myself every day in order to see the truth
of my own behavior so that I don't react. And so that, and I love that ripple effect, you know,
it, when I react, when I, so the ripple effect works both ways, you know, um, it ripples into
goodness, you know, but if I am not on guard about what I'm doing, who I'm doing it to,
you know, I shouldn't be messing where I shouldn't be messing. Then that ripple effect is going to
affect that too, you know? And, um, and I want to, I want to change. I want to be a different
person. I don't want to be the person that I was, you know, I have, um, you know, there's still so
much to learn, you know, I might be sober for, for a while, but there, as soon as I stopped
thinking that, um, or, or thinking that I'm unteachable, I'm in trouble, you know? And
that's why I like book studies because when I go to book studies, I get to like hear,
at least my book study, we talk about what Bill's trying to tell us in our book, you know? Um, and I
get to hear different views and thoughts, you know, about, and maybe hear something that, oh my God,
you know, I never thought about it. You know, when you read the book, you always, you read it.
And then all of a sudden something pops out at you that you think, oh my God, when did that get
there? You know, when you put a spin there all along, um, you know, and that's the beauty of
our big book, you know, is, is reading it and reading it and you learn things all the time
and different, you know? Um, but, um, you know, I, I think that, um, that, like I said, that Bill
is fabulous in, in, in giving us these steps and especially our maintenance steps. Um, I, uh, I'll
just tell you a little bit about my week. How's that? I have five minutes, five minutes left or so.
Okay. Um, you know, I, I live a very calm life, you know, um, still don't have the husband or
whatever. I, I, I'm a single woman and, um, and AA's my life.
Now I have a great little career, um, in the fitness industry. I have, uh, animals, you know,
those are my fur babies and, um, I have a cute little condo and whatever, you know, um, which
by the way, when I, before I got sober, I had those things too. So those of you who think that
all because you have all that, that you're not alcoholic, you're wrong. Um, so, you know, I,
I have this very easy, like life, you know, that, um, no drama. I do not like drama. So
last two weeks, my roommate got hit by a, uh, a car. He was on his motorcycle and it was a hit and
run. He's in the hospital, you know, flat on his back with a bunch of broken stuff. Lucky to be
alive. Uh, beginning of this week, um, my dog got into a fight at the dog park and, uh, and it
wasn't good and scary, you know? Um, and it was like all this trauma, all this stuff, you know,
all of a sudden kind of came flowing in. And I'm like, I'm so exhausted.
I'm so exhausted. I'm so exhausted. I'm so exhausted. I'm so exhausted. I'm so exhausted. I'm so
all that that happened, you know, but I'm so grateful that I was able to like be there and,
and be presented, you know, be there at the present moment and to be able to be accountable,
you know, um, with, you know, the dog fight and, you know, the guy and, you know, she hurt,
she hurt the dog a little bit, you know, thank God just a little bit. Um, you know,
dog fights, fight dog parks. That's what happens. But, you know, I was responsible. Um, and, uh,
you know, because that's what I was taught, you know, and I know,
my roommate's going to be okay, but again, you know, um, God is good. I, you know, thank God
every day. I journal every day. I just do. It's easier for me, you know, and I thank God every
day for my blessings and Alcoholics Anonymous and, um, you know, and the, and the things that I have
as a result, my social life, I wouldn't have that the women in my life. Um, you know, thank you,
my friend Shannon for, for coming on the call on the call tonight. Um, you know, I wouldn't have
all those things. And even in my work life, you know, um, it all ripples, uh, to, to just some
really good things, um, for me and, and that's all due to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, um,
and I'm so grateful that, um, that I got, you know, that I found it, you know, um, not everybody
gets a chance to like have another, to have a redo, you know, and to re to be able to like
change your life. Um, uh, I've just, um, I I'm really grateful.
That, um, well, I've been, you know, carrying the message here a little bit, um, rich, my friend
who has not been feeling well, um, you know, has kind of passed the past me along, I guess. And,
and it's just been great and fabulous. And I'm, I'm so grateful that, um, that he called Abraham
and that you allowed me to come and talk to you tonight. And I hope that, um, that I was able to
like say something that's, that made sense to you guys and, and maybe you can carry on, you know,
get some book studies going and, um, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,
and start journaling. It'll, it'll help you throughout, um, you know, for the next things
to come. So I think I'm going to end there. I have one minute. So thank you for letting me share and
for, for inviting me on. Thank you for having me. Thank you. Abraham, thank you again.
You mean, thank you so much.
Abraham, thanks again. I'm going to hang up now. Okay, great. Thank you.