1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:28,460 Thank you so much. Thank you for your share. I'm Diana. I apologize. I was a Girl Scout and a Girl Scout leader. So, Scout's honor. There was a big dog in the middle of Canoga Avenue and people were, you know, getting out of the way. And the poor guy had no collar on. So, I just kind of looked around and then I saw some neighbor come out and I go, do you know this dog? And she's like, he lives over there. 2 00:00:28,460 --> 00:00:43,220 So, he was big. And I go, come on, baby. Let's go to your home. And he like almost knocked me down, slobbered on me, lost a shoe. But I called Abraham and that was the truth. 3 00:00:43,220 --> 00:00:53,160 To me, being on time means 10 minutes early or 15 minutes early. So, I do apologize. That's not my normal thing. 4 00:00:53,160 --> 00:01:01,200 Um, take a deep breath. Look around you guys. And so glad you're here and not watching that basketball game. 5 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:07,240 I thought that's why they needed someone because no one's going to be there. But there are people here. 6 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:17,680 Okay, I'm going to start with, I need to use my timer just so I have some sort of thing. You know what I mean? 7 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:22,400 Um, actually, I'll just look at my clock. 8 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,040 Your clock. 9 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:29,760 Okay, good. And then I need to end by what time? 10 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:41,600 Okay, so my end earlier, my, we don't know. It's all a surprise. So, I'm going to start off with, I'm Diana. I'm an alcoholic. 11 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:53,020 You're right. I said it down here when I was putting my purse down. But the proper appropriate place to you guys is to say it here and to whoever's on Zoom. 12 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:53,580 Welcome. 13 00:01:54,780 --> 00:02:05,140 Um, what happened, what it was like, and how it's like now, that's good for me because I have a very busy brain. 14 00:02:05,140 --> 00:02:17,880 Um, what it was like. I was born in Detroit, Michigan, and I had a mother and a father at the age, and my brother's four years older than me. 15 00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:20,040 So, that's an important part. 16 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:23,020 My mother used to take us. 17 00:02:23,580 --> 00:02:30,040 This comes from my brother, and she worked at Motown Records. That is definitely true. 18 00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:37,440 And, um, she would take us there, and at the age of one, she was married to my father. 19 00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:43,020 My father didn't have any drug problems, or he did smoke cigarettes. 20 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,880 Um, he didn't drink. 21 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:51,500 Occasionally, when he went out, maybe with, um, friends, so on. 22 00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:57,560 But my mother left when I was one years old, and my brother was five, and never came back. 23 00:02:57,660 --> 00:03:00,720 Apparently, she had a bad cocaine problem. 24 00:03:00,940 --> 00:03:09,440 And I never knew any of this until probably, I'm 63, probably 20 years ago. 25 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:20,020 My father never spoke of her, and I never had the courage to ask him about her because I knew it was painful for my father. 26 00:03:20,020 --> 00:03:21,480 But my brother told me, 27 00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:26,660 He told me everything that he knew, and, um, anyway, that's how it all started. 28 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:35,660 And my father would get, like, a housekeeper, babysitter type person to watch me because I couldn't go to school yet. 29 00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:46,840 My brother got to go to kindergarten, and, um, about four years later, he met my stepmother, and he married her. 30 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,600 And she, I, I was little. 31 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:58,020 I was, you know, five by then, so I was excited to have a mom. 32 00:03:58,020 --> 00:04:06,120 And my brother was nine, and from that moment when they got married, she never liked my brother. 33 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,540 No matter what he did, he couldn't chew right. 34 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:17,600 I remember her saying, like, stop smacking your lips, or anything he did was wrong. 35 00:04:17,780 --> 00:04:19,680 So I was always quiet. 36 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:31,840 And, um, my father traveled a lot for work, and my stepmom would get into it with my brother, and she would physically beat on him. 37 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:39,720 And I remember crying and going into a closet because I wanted to go in there, but I just couldn't. 38 00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:42,220 I didn't know what I was supposed to do. 39 00:04:42,220 --> 00:04:48,500 And my brother, when my father called, you know, he would call almost every night to see how we were. 40 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:49,640 My brother never spoke. 41 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:50,260 He never said anything. 42 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:51,980 But my stepmom did. 43 00:04:52,060 --> 00:04:55,440 She would say, he did this, he did that, he did this, he did that. 44 00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:56,880 So that's what he got. 45 00:04:57,020 --> 00:05:00,220 So that's how that was, and it went on for years. 46 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:07,540 Um, my parents had a child together, so it's technically my half-sister. 47 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:09,320 But we never say that. 48 00:05:09,380 --> 00:05:10,440 We're thick as thieves. 49 00:05:10,820 --> 00:05:19,420 And, um, I remember her crying in the middle of the night, and picking her up, and making a bottle for her, and doing things like that. 50 00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:24,360 Because my stepmother did not have a drinking problem or a drug problem, just a cigarette problem. 51 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,780 And she just didn't want to get out of bed. 52 00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:27,880 So I would do that. 53 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,520 But anyway, we'll move forward past that time. 54 00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:38,620 I just wanted to paint the picture that I always thought everybody else had this perfect house. 55 00:05:38,620 --> 00:05:46,560 And I would go over someone's house after school and go, wow, my mom never, I would say, think in my head, 56 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:49,400 my mom never asked how school was. 57 00:05:49,420 --> 00:05:51,420 Or gave us after school snacks. 58 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:56,380 And I always thought everybody, gee, I wish I could be part of this family. 59 00:05:56,540 --> 00:05:59,620 And they always had, like, a nice little house. 60 00:06:00,140 --> 00:06:05,240 My parents, not that it's bad, but they never owned anything. 61 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:06,740 They never owned a house. 62 00:06:07,260 --> 00:06:09,480 You know, they just never did. 63 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,620 And a lot of people grow up in apartments. 64 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:13,480 That's just how it is sometimes. 65 00:06:13,820 --> 00:06:15,580 Um, they never owned a car. 66 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:17,800 They would always lease a car. 67 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,400 So I learned. 68 00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:25,560 At a very young age, when I could start working at the age of, like, 14, I lied how old I was. 69 00:06:25,660 --> 00:06:27,520 And I got a job at 31 Flavors. 70 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:31,840 I would save as much money as I could. 71 00:06:31,940 --> 00:06:37,980 Once in a while, I'd splurge and buy myself a pair of tennis shoes or a pair of jeans. 72 00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:45,840 But I would save up all my money because I just saw how they were and thought to myself, I'm never going to be like that. 73 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,840 And, um, so I worked at 31 Flavors. 74 00:06:49,420 --> 00:06:55,540 And I got to get two free scoops every night. 75 00:06:55,680 --> 00:07:03,420 So I would take it home and see who, you know, I would call, actually, and see what they wanted and whose turn it was. 76 00:07:03,660 --> 00:07:06,300 And, um, I would go to school. 77 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,820 And a lot of times, I wouldn't get bullied. 78 00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:14,740 But people might make, the girls were a little, you know, catty. 79 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,980 And they might make fun of, like, my dress was not long. 80 00:07:19,420 --> 00:07:22,600 Remember when, like, granny dresses were in? 81 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,080 And now they're, like, back. 82 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,240 Everything comes back, so save it. 83 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,460 But anyway, um, long dresses. 84 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:30,800 And mine was too short because I grew. 85 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:32,340 And that's what I had. 86 00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:34,200 So it wasn't bullying. 87 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,420 It was just mean cattiness. 88 00:07:38,140 --> 00:07:39,000 But you know what? 89 00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:43,480 I felt, as I got older, it just made me stronger. 90 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:47,020 I didn't give it back or fight with them. 91 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,320 I'm just like, uh-huh, yeah. 92 00:07:49,420 --> 00:07:49,800 Okay. 93 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:51,420 And just walk away. 94 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,900 Because I became really strong. 95 00:07:54,220 --> 00:07:57,040 And, um, inside, I thought. 96 00:07:57,820 --> 00:08:01,500 And as I got older, and I went to Taft High School. 97 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:07,200 And I went there when it was 9th, no, 10th, 11th, and 12th. 98 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,280 Now I think it starts at 9th. 99 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,380 So I went there at 10th, 11th, and 12th. 100 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:13,860 And I made lots of friends. 101 00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:16,720 Because there were so many different groups. 102 00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:19,400 You had your pot smoking group. 103 00:08:19,420 --> 00:08:21,120 Or whatever they called it. 104 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:22,400 They called it stoners. 105 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:28,000 So, like, at lunchtime, there was, like, a little gaggle of people over there. 106 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:29,040 That was the stoners. 107 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,280 A little gaggle over here, that was the preppies. 108 00:08:32,540 --> 00:08:37,760 A little gaggle over here, that was the misfits. 109 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:38,560 You know? 110 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:42,640 It just, I had friends from all the different groups. 111 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,860 Because I honestly didn't care. 112 00:08:45,860 --> 00:08:49,360 I just wanted to be friends with nice people. 113 00:08:49,940 --> 00:08:55,620 I didn't have to be popular, or be the best, or anything. 114 00:08:55,980 --> 00:08:59,140 And every single day after school, I went to my job. 115 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,660 I had a job, and I would work till 9 o'clock at night. 116 00:09:02,820 --> 00:09:05,000 And then I would come home and do my homework. 117 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:06,920 And I had to take buses everywhere. 118 00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:09,560 Because my stepmom, she wouldn't pick me up. 119 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:15,380 And yucky stuff can happen to girls taking buses late at night. 120 00:09:15,820 --> 00:09:19,240 Luckily, nothing too horrible happened. 121 00:09:19,420 --> 00:09:23,240 I would always try and stay in the front where the bus driver was. 122 00:09:23,380 --> 00:09:25,920 Because the bad stuff always happened in the back. 123 00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:29,680 Or it happened when it was dark out, and you're waiting at the bus stop. 124 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:34,300 But, thank God, nothing horrible happened. 125 00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:39,820 Then, everybody was graduating and going off to college. 126 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:46,400 And I knew that community college wasn't even going to get, I wasn't even going to get to go there. 127 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,200 Because I had to work right away. 128 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,000 My family. 129 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,700 My dad got really sick with diabetes. 130 00:09:52,460 --> 00:09:54,060 They couldn't pay the rent. 131 00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:56,720 We got kicked out. 132 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,820 My mom and sister went with a family friend. 133 00:10:00,060 --> 00:10:03,000 My father had to go to the public hospital. 134 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:05,220 It was called Olive View. 135 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:10,460 And I remember visiting him there and taking buses just to get there. 136 00:10:10,620 --> 00:10:16,880 And I just remember bawling and crying and begging him to get better. 137 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,740 Because I loved him so much. 138 00:10:18,740 --> 00:10:23,740 But, once that happened to him, he had half a leg amputated. 139 00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:26,100 He was never the same. 140 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,040 He couldn't walk with it. 141 00:10:28,180 --> 00:10:30,380 Or maybe he didn't try hard enough. 142 00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:31,560 I don't know. 143 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,420 But, he was never the same. 144 00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:38,760 He had to go into a nursing facility at the age of like 52. 145 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,780 And I would do my best. 146 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,280 I had a full-time job. 147 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,760 And then I would take buses to go see him. 148 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,580 And let's fast forward past all. 149 00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:51,900 And I got married. 150 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:53,040 I was working. 151 00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:55,380 Bought myself a little car. 152 00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:58,040 The front end was smashed in. 153 00:10:58,260 --> 00:11:02,800 But the man who sold it to me promised that it had a really good engine. 154 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,400 And it was an Opel. 155 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,180 So, it was like a German car. 156 00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:10,160 And it actually had a really great engine. 157 00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:12,260 It always started up. 158 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:14,100 Now, it had no air conditioning. 159 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:15,100 No radio. 160 00:11:15,820 --> 00:11:17,480 It didn't look pretty. 161 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:18,480 But, it was mom. 162 00:11:18,580 --> 00:11:20,340 And I bought it myself. 163 00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:22,800 Because who else was going to buy it, right? 164 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,980 And it was great. 165 00:11:25,180 --> 00:11:26,880 I felt like, wow. 166 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,240 This is cool to have a car. 167 00:11:29,420 --> 00:11:30,480 I was happy. 168 00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:36,420 And so, I had a full-time job at the corner of Burbank and Sepulveda. 169 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,040 It's a coin shop. 170 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,240 There's different owners there now. 171 00:11:40,420 --> 00:11:43,880 But, I worked for the original owners. 172 00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:46,620 So, I started working there when I was 20. 173 00:11:46,620 --> 00:11:48,540 And I stopped working. 174 00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:51,780 And I started working there when I was in my early 30s. 175 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,440 Because I was married and had a baby. 176 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,220 A wanted child by both of us. 177 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,160 We both wanted a child. 178 00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:13,160 And then, unfortunately, the year of our first marriage, we decided he was going to cheat on me. 179 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:16,960 So, my girlfriend found out and told me. 180 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,560 And so, I got in my car. 181 00:12:18,980 --> 00:12:20,300 And I followed him. 182 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,720 And then, when I saw where he was going. 183 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,220 Because I was told where this person lived. 184 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:26,760 I just drove away. 185 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:31,740 And then, the next day, I took anything that was in the safety deposit box out. 186 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,900 And then, the checking account had a... 187 00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:36,280 There was no savings. 188 00:12:36,460 --> 00:12:38,520 But, the checking account had like $3,000. 189 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,000 Took that out. 190 00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:41,900 All the credit cards were in my name. 191 00:12:41,980 --> 00:12:43,800 Because he had horrible credit. 192 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,620 And I had a girlfriend who was an attorney. 193 00:12:47,980 --> 00:12:48,560 And so, I... 194 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:53,480 I said, I need an attorney that specializes in custody. 195 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:58,560 Because that baby, my daughter, meant everything to me. 196 00:12:58,640 --> 00:12:59,680 I mean, I... 197 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,520 It's not that I didn't want him to see her. 198 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:06,840 But, I didn't want him to do what he said he was going to do. 199 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,780 I'll say you're crazy. 200 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,220 I'll get custody. 201 00:13:10,580 --> 00:13:11,300 Blah, blah, blah. 202 00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:13,200 So, I filed for divorce. 203 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,180 And used that attorney. 204 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,460 And gave whatever I had in my hand. 205 00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,900 And she took the case. 206 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:22,440 It dragged on. 207 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:28,580 And while I was working, I saved up a bunch of money for her future. 208 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,860 I didn't always... 209 00:13:30,860 --> 00:13:31,980 I was working. 210 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,720 So, I didn't... 211 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,620 I would get child support. 212 00:13:35,860 --> 00:13:37,700 So, I would save that up. 213 00:13:37,780 --> 00:13:41,800 And use my paycheck to pay for the apartment. 214 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,320 And things that we needed. 215 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:44,240 That kind of thing. 216 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,440 And after that... 217 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,440 At the age... 218 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:50,380 Of 30, I started drinking. 219 00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:57,700 When I was younger, once in a blue moon, my girlfriend and I, my best friend, we would go out to clubs. 220 00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:58,620 All the clubs. 221 00:13:58,780 --> 00:14:01,620 Whiskey, a go-go, and all these, you know, places. 222 00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:05,320 And if you didn't have a wristband, you couldn't drink. 223 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:09,060 So, I never had a wristband because I was always like 18 or 19. 224 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:15,220 And that was okay with me because we were there just to dance and see the band. 225 00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:17,300 We weren't there to meet guys. 226 00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:18,220 We just wanted to... 227 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,120 Dance with each other and have fun. 228 00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:25,320 And we would drink a little in the car before we went into the club. 229 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:31,860 And then, geez, hours later, we were completely sober because we danced it off, you know. 230 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:36,780 And so, I didn't really have a drinking problem back then. 231 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,780 But at the age of 30, I remember that. 232 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:45,240 When I was to put Emily to bed, I was by myself at night. 233 00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:46,540 I was isolated. 234 00:14:46,980 --> 00:14:48,780 I started drinking those. 235 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,300 But I didn't drink the whole thing every night. 236 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:52,820 It was actually too much. 237 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:58,020 The big jug of Gallo wine, that nice expensive stuff. 238 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:02,600 I would probably drink about three quarters of it some nights. 239 00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:06,440 So, I think that's two bottles in there. 240 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:07,460 I don't remember. 241 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:11,460 I think it was 1.5 something. 242 00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:12,120 I don't know. 243 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:14,340 But I would just do it at home. 244 00:15:14,540 --> 00:15:16,120 I wasn't a drinker, driver person. 245 00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:23,660 And then, I got to the point where later, speed up a little bit, got remarried to a 246 00:15:23,660 --> 00:15:29,800 nice man, moved into, we moved into his house because he had a house. 247 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:38,080 And I worked in Beverly Hills at a different coin shop in antiquities and stamps and stuff 248 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:38,640 like that. 249 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:42,820 And the ride was miserable. 250 00:15:43,220 --> 00:15:46,520 From Woodland Hills to Beverly Hills. 251 00:15:46,940 --> 00:15:51,020 First, I had to drop her at her little school and drive over there. 252 00:15:51,140 --> 00:15:56,760 No matter what, everybody knew a secret way to get to Beverly Hills. 253 00:15:57,220 --> 00:15:57,780 Guess what? 254 00:15:58,060 --> 00:16:05,620 Beverly Glen, the 101 to the 405, or these secret streets in Encino, no matter what I 255 00:16:05,620 --> 00:16:08,380 did, it was exactly the same. 256 00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:09,200 Trust me. 257 00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:12,460 And coming home at night was just as bad. 258 00:16:12,460 --> 00:16:15,460 And then, when I would walk in the door, I just wanted... 259 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:17,520 I wanted wine. 260 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,400 I was a wino, mainly. 261 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,640 And so, I would drink wine. 262 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,520 And I had a drinking problem. 263 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,340 I didn't... 264 00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:34,020 I knew, probably by the age of 40 or so, that I was an alcoholic. 265 00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:35,020 I knew it. 266 00:16:35,020 --> 00:16:36,020 Nobody... 267 00:16:36,020 --> 00:16:38,760 There was no messing around like, ooh, I wasn't sure. 268 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,440 Yes, I was sure. 269 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:44,060 Because I had to drink every single night. 270 00:16:44,060 --> 00:16:45,140 Not to pass out. 271 00:16:45,140 --> 00:16:46,140 I wasn't a pastor. 272 00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:46,780 I wasn't a surrouter. 273 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,300 But just to get the stress. 274 00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:58,520 And I would still think about the past and all that pain that was never dealt with. 275 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:08,100 And my brother, who never really did well, he could support himself, but that was about 276 00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:08,380 it. 277 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:10,680 And he always had health issues. 278 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:15,900 And I think, really, he also maybe had Asperger. 279 00:17:16,140 --> 00:17:19,960 Or a form of functioning, high-functioning autism, but was never, you know... 280 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,380 It was never handled by a doctor. 281 00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:30,380 And so, I would think of him and I would be in touch with him. 282 00:17:30,380 --> 00:17:35,080 And he lived in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, because he was a disc jockey. 283 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:40,080 Like an old-fashioned disc jockey where you actually played records back then. 284 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,720 And I was happy for him. 285 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:44,320 But still, he kind of was just never... 286 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:45,320 I don't know. 287 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:45,520 That's him. 288 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:53,340 never the same we never learned how to drive and so all of that pained me and my past was like a 289 00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:58,840 monkey on my back I would think about it just about every day something would flash my head 290 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:06,120 and I would think about it because it was not dealt with and I drank alcohol for the pain 291 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:14,520 for the stress and anxiety that I had and finally 10 years later at the age of 50 292 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:20,720 I didn't drink during the day drank when the kids went to sleep at night but my husband who wasn't 293 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:28,860 my new husband anymore he was my husband he said in the morning one day he said you know I called 294 00:18:28,860 --> 00:18:36,640 Betty Ford Center in the desert and our insurance will pay a good portion of it and he didn't say 295 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:44,520 nice like this there was no nice there was anger frustration um he had had enough 296 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:52,500 of it. Even though I wasn't physically hurting anyone, I was emotionally hurting him, emotionally 297 00:18:52,500 --> 00:19:00,620 hurting our younger daughter because she would know that I was drinking. She knew I was upstairs 298 00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:07,800 having a glass of wine because she knew. She wasn't dumb. She was like 14 years old. So I said 299 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:17,800 to him, I'm not going to Betty Ford. I said, I hear they use the big book. So I'm going to stay 300 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:25,980 here. And I said it loud with like conviction. I said, I'm not going there. I'm gonna go to AA. 301 00:19:25,980 --> 00:19:34,040 Well, I didn't know where AA was. I didn't know how to find it. I didn't know anybody that was in 302 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:37,780 AA. But guess what? I found it. I looked online. 303 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:45,400 I found a phone number. I called central office. Got some poor man on the phone and I'm just 304 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:54,120 blubbering and crying and he can barely understand me. But he sent me to the closest meeting at the 305 00:19:54,120 --> 00:20:02,260 closest time and I went. And the whole meeting, I sat there and unfortunately probably ruined 306 00:20:02,260 --> 00:20:07,540 their meeting because I just cried. I couldn't stop crying. I knew I was an alcoholic. 307 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:15,260 I didn't know how to stop. I kept thinking that I could do it on my own. I would play games. I'm not 308 00:20:15,260 --> 00:20:20,900 going to buy any wine. I'm not going to buy any wine. And then a week would go by, I'd have to 309 00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:29,020 buy wine. It was like I had to. It was like life or death. And so then they gave me a big book and 310 00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:37,440 I'll be honest with you and I have repaid for it many a times. I threw it in the trash. When I got 311 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:51,500 out of the meeting, I just was so self-loathing and so pitiful, hating myself. What a loser that I 312 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:59,500 am. I didn't think they were losers in the meeting. I thought, wow, they got this. Didn't 313 00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:07,020 if someone had a month, I was like, wow, I really was. I thought that was just spectacular. So, 314 00:21:07,020 --> 00:21:16,660 I had that about myself, not about you, not about them. And after maybe a month or two, 315 00:21:17,260 --> 00:21:26,160 I started to go to meetings slowly. I would sit in the back of the room. I would fold my arms 316 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:30,640 and I would fold it, fold my arms because I was uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do with my 317 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:36,480 hands. Like, what do you do? Do you put them on your, you know, lap? Do you like do this? You 318 00:21:37,020 --> 00:21:42,920 did not know what to do with my hands. So, I folded my arms and sat in the back of the room. And 319 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:51,080 for months and months, oh, most people stayed away from me. There were some that gave me their phone 320 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:58,720 numbers. I would never call because the phone must have weighed 500 pounds. I could not pick 321 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:04,720 up the phone. Just couldn't pick it up. And then one day I met this nice girl and she said, 322 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,000 I want your phone number. I want to call you. I want to call you. I want to call you. I want to call 323 00:22:07,020 --> 00:22:13,380 you. I just want to call you and say hi to you. And she was so nice. I said, okay. And then she 324 00:22:13,380 --> 00:22:19,440 called me a couple days later. And then she said, let's meet at this meeting. I said, okay, I'll do 325 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:26,880 that. And then a little bit of time went on. And then I saw how you get a sponsor. And so I asked 326 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:34,620 her to be my sponsor. And she was a good sponsor. She was very nice, very kind. She worked a lot. 327 00:22:34,620 --> 00:22:37,000 We didn't ever work the same. 328 00:22:37,020 --> 00:22:43,860 Once in a blue moon, she would have a printed out sheet for me of like some sort of work with AA. 329 00:22:44,260 --> 00:22:50,440 So I would do it and then give it back to her the next time I saw her. I wasn't upset that I 330 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:58,780 wasn't getting to do the steps. I knew eventually I would, but a little time went by and then she 331 00:22:58,780 --> 00:23:06,680 had problems at her work and things were going on with her family. So I said to her, I wanted to let 332 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:07,000 her off the hook. I wanted to let her off the hook. I wanted to let her off the hook. I wanted to let 333 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:11,760 her off the hook. Because I think she didn't want to do it the opposite way she felt so bad. And I 334 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:18,800 said, hey, you know, I really want to do the steps. So I think I need another sponsor because you're 335 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:24,840 so busy and I get that you're, you're holding together your family. And so she understood. 336 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:30,740 And to this day, I still call her and we talk on the phone. She's a really great person. Great, 337 00:23:30,740 --> 00:23:36,960 great AA program. And then time just kept going, trucking on by. 338 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:45,280 And slow but sure, I never had a drink. There were times I wanted to, really, really bad. And I 339 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:54,820 just didn't go to the store and buy it. Or I would go like just try and buy everything at Trader Joe's. 340 00:23:54,820 --> 00:24:03,300 Even though they had wine, I just stayed out of that way. And slow but sure, I got a little time. 341 00:24:03,300 --> 00:24:06,140 Now I have 12 years and 342 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:17,320 the only regret I have is not getting to this program sooner. That's my regret because it truly 343 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:26,380 works. However, there's all different factors why it might work faster for one than the other, 344 00:24:26,380 --> 00:24:35,060 or why someone doesn't get it and someone else does or why someone keeps relapsing. But it works 345 00:24:35,060 --> 00:24:36,620 if you work it. 346 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:45,580 A big component for me is the fellowship. Huge component. Now, can I tell you I love everybody? 347 00:24:45,580 --> 00:24:53,120 No. But do I treat everybody with respect? Oh, heck yeah. Because I didn't walk in their shoes. 348 00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:59,860 I thought maybe they had the perfect life, but they didn't. And so everybody gets respect. 349 00:24:59,860 --> 00:25:02,320 Everybody's due that respect. And I love the program. I have a high level of Methodism and I think, 350 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:03,720 I think you are going to value this program. Even if you're doing the same thing for yourself, 351 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:04,940 maybe you're going toLIE at it and it will get better, but it's worth getting it. I really like this program. 352 00:25:04,940 --> 00:25:06,000 It's good. I love it. There's other programs that I don't like, I've never watched, or I've never watched. 353 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:35,340 I have a higher power. My higher power was super easy for me. It's God. I think there's one God for everybody. I take out the religious aspect of it, however I was born, whatever. I think there's one God for everyone. That's just me. And it doesn't mean I'm right, but that's how I think. And it's a spiritual program. I wish I could tell you that I meditate every day. I don't. I want to. 354 00:25:35,340 --> 00:26:02,520 I meditate probably three, four times a week. I have a busy mind. Some of you know what a busy mind is like. And when I'm meditating, I start out real good. And then all of a sudden I'm thinking all these other thoughts that I need to do or thinking about something else. But I got to get better with that because it really does help. And also my best thing that helps me is breathing. 355 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:27,480 When I'm anxious or stressed out, I can do it and nobody knows that I'm doing it. I don't have to go, you know, I don't have to do that. I just sit there and I, and for me, that works best. That really helps me. And as I said, the fellowship is number one. God is number one for me. Fellowship and family, I kind of think they're merged in one. 356 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:32,480 A lot of the fellow, a lot of the people in AA to me are like family. 357 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:55,460 And I hope people that have a hard time with the program, I hope and pray that they ask for help from a fellow AA or maybe that person can help you. And if they can't, go to the next one because that's going to help you get the program stronger and stronger. 358 00:26:55,460 --> 00:27:02,460 And I want to thank you so much. All of a sudden, I don't say it. I said it. 359 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:20,160 Abraham, I want to thank Abraham so much for asking me to be here tonight. And I want to thank all of you for being here. That's really nice of you, you know, because I know how it is, the Saturday night or the Knicks or playing who knows what's going on, you know. But thank you so much. 360 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:21,820 Here it is. 361 00:27:32,780 --> 00:27:34,420 Thank you so much.