1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,620 Meaning, like, you have a number in mind, they gave you a number in mind. 2 00:00:03,620 --> 00:00:06,000 Meeting. What kind of question is that? 3 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:07,240 What are you trying to Venmo? 4 00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:08,540 Hi, Wil Alcoholic. 5 00:00:08,540 --> 00:00:11,500 I'm trying to Venmo the meaning, modern technology. 6 00:00:11,500 --> 00:00:14,500 It's funny, like, you know, I immediately walked in the room 7 00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:16,080 and I just, I've been here. 8 00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:16,920 I know I've been here. 9 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:17,960 I don't know when I've been here. 10 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:20,160 I don't know why I was here, but I just know I've been here. 11 00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:21,340 It just looks familiar. 12 00:00:21,340 --> 00:00:23,460 Or it's just like every AA room you've been into, 13 00:00:23,460 --> 00:00:24,460 all of a sudden you're just like, 14 00:00:24,460 --> 00:00:25,620 yeah, this feels about right. 15 00:00:25,620 --> 00:00:27,920 That feels where I am, you know? 16 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:32,500 My sobriety date's February 9th, 2009. 17 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:35,760 So thank you very much for having me here. 18 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:37,720 I was supposed to be here a couple months ago, 19 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:39,920 but I couldn't make it because of a last minute work thing. 20 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,720 So I brought you Ryan Foley. 21 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:44,120 So if you were here when you saw Ryan Foley speak, 22 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,460 just imagine that every morning at eight in the morning 23 00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:47,580 when he gives you a call. 24 00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:52,580 Oh wow, so much, so much right now, so much. 25 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,620 But a dear friend of mine, 26 00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:57,260 thank you for coming out and hanging out with me. 27 00:00:57,260 --> 00:00:57,800 And 28 00:00:57,920 --> 00:00:59,840 doing the deal. 29 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:04,040 Like him, I found it necessary to kind of wander away 30 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,160 for a while because my life, 31 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:07,840 it got big and beautiful and very, very busy. 32 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:11,460 And I thought other things were more important. 33 00:01:11,460 --> 00:01:12,300 It's okay. 34 00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:14,340 I really filled up the bank account and I'm okay. 35 00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:16,800 And I'll just kind of fill in where I can with meetings. 36 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:20,000 And I found myself in clubhouses every once in a while 37 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,680 and it would go fairly regularly. 38 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,120 And there's nothing wrong with clubhouses, 39 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,120 but the meetings I ended up stumbling into, 40 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,880 I'd be the guy with the most amount of time. 41 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,800 And I'm like, oh, I don't need to be that guy. 42 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:32,220 You know, I don't need to be, I need some people. 43 00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:33,300 I need some people above me. 44 00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:35,260 So that way they can kind of keep me in line a little bit 45 00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:38,180 because I will buy into my own nonsense very quickly. 46 00:01:38,180 --> 00:01:40,180 You know, the guy who closes out the meeting, 47 00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:42,000 they call on as the spiritual guidance. 48 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:45,760 I'm like, no, no, I don't need to be here. 49 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:48,180 I, maybe I need to be here right now, 50 00:01:48,180 --> 00:01:49,380 but I don't need to be here for too long. 51 00:01:49,380 --> 00:01:50,580 But that's very, very scary. 52 00:01:50,580 --> 00:01:52,800 So thank you for having me. 53 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:54,080 It's always a pleasure to be here. 54 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,680 I totally forgot it was Saturday night. 55 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:57,880 You know, what is she supposed to do on a Saturday night? 56 00:01:57,880 --> 00:01:59,480 I'm like, oh gosh, it's Saturday. 57 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:00,300 Holy cow. 58 00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:01,220 Okay. 59 00:02:01,220 --> 00:02:02,680 Good place to be right now. 60 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:03,880 It's a wonderful place to be. 61 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,440 I don't understand the life that I'm leaving right now. 62 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,480 It is a life that has been given to me. 63 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,840 No, it was a life that has been forced upon me 64 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,600 against my will and thank God for that 65 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:14,760 because it is way better 66 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,680 than what I would have planned for myself. 67 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:17,880 I am the youngest of four. 68 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,520 I have three older sisters. 69 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,760 They're all blonde hair and blue eyed. 70 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,720 I am neither of those things in case you were wondering. 71 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:28,560 I used to have very, very long hair, but that's what happens. 72 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,680 I got more gray here now, you know, 73 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,720 and my two oldest sisters are twins. 74 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,340 They're eight years older than I am. 75 00:02:35,340 --> 00:02:39,060 And that's significant because when they're 16, I'm eight. 76 00:02:39,060 --> 00:02:41,640 And the last thing like 16 year old girls want to do 77 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,140 is hang out with their eight year old brother, you know? 78 00:02:44,140 --> 00:02:49,060 So it was a big family, a family of six, lonely, not lonely, 79 00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:51,060 full house, lots of people. 80 00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:53,260 But there's, I mean, the middle sister 81 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:54,720 was four years older than me. 82 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,880 A long four, almost five years older than me. 83 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:59,640 So I'm always just kind of bringing up the rear. 84 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:00,720 You know, it was always the joke 85 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:01,960 that I was the milkman's baby. 86 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,100 Very good looking milkman, by the way. 87 00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,260 Thank you very much. 88 00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:07,100 I'm going to compliment myself on that one. 89 00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:09,060 But my father is, he's retired now, 90 00:03:09,060 --> 00:03:11,100 but he's a retired orthopedic surgeon. 91 00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:12,680 Did very, very well for himself. 92 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:17,520 Grew up to marry my mom who was a Miss Teen USA. 93 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:22,100 And they're both very Midwestern, St. Louis, 94 00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:24,600 very kind, generous, warm. 95 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,480 I am the exact opposite of all of that. 96 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,640 They had no idea what to do with me. 97 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:33,060 Just kind of love me because I was too dumb to love myself. 98 00:03:33,060 --> 00:03:35,100 And that's what you don't really necessarily 99 00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:38,020 want to do with an alcoholic because they will just let me run, 100 00:03:38,020 --> 00:03:39,300 you know, because it'll change. 101 00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:42,060 It'll be OK because I'm the only alcoholic in my family. 102 00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:45,380 My mom's side has some drinkers, but you know, that's their journey. 103 00:03:45,380 --> 00:03:49,760 So my father being who he is was fairly successful. 104 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:54,560 I grew up in 5,000 square feet, spent my summers in Maui, spent, you know, 105 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:59,800 my winters in Vail and Banff and Windsor and doing all the fun things. 106 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,940 Like I said, very generous, very humble man. 107 00:04:02,940 --> 00:04:06,640 But I became quite accustomed to a lifestyle that I did not earn. 108 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:11,680 And I wanted to maintain that as much as possible because it was lovely. 109 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:15,220 I am a product of the private Catholic school institution. 110 00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:17,560 Went to private school my entire life. 111 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:22,860 And that was crippling, to say the least, because everybody was like me. 112 00:04:22,860 --> 00:04:24,360 So when I'm 18 and I go to college, 113 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:29,320 I have no experience with other people, for lack of a better word. 114 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,980 Like I was just with water the entire time. 115 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,060 There was no ups or downs, you know? 116 00:04:34,060 --> 00:04:36,320 And even with the water that I was swimming in, 117 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:37,980 a lot of things that I was doing in my life, 118 00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:40,120 people would look at me like, you're doing what now? 119 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,860 Like I've never heard of these things, you know? 120 00:04:42,860 --> 00:04:44,280 So it's just very strange. 121 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,480 It's hard for me to get my bearings. 122 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,020 I grew in a household of love. 123 00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:51,240 I really did Christmases and family vacations. 124 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,200 And it was just wonderful. 125 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:54,360 It really was just wonderful. 126 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:57,860 And I took advantage of that every second that I could, 127 00:04:57,860 --> 00:04:58,980 because I'm an asshole. 128 00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:00,240 Excuse the language. 129 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,280 Because I'm an alcoholic. 130 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:02,780 I am always thinking about me. 131 00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:04,060 And if I'm not thinking about me, 132 00:05:04,060 --> 00:05:05,660 I'm thinking about how wonderful I am 133 00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:07,160 that I'm not thinking about me. 134 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:10,160 That is just my MO and that's how I get down. 135 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,980 I remember I was in junior high 136 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:16,060 and I was flipping through the TV and got to channel 10, 137 00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:19,520 which was MTV and all of us are old enough to remember MTV. 138 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,400 So that's good. 139 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:24,200 But saw Slash from Guns N' Roses, 140 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,600 with the top hat, the cigarette, the hair, 141 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,160 the welcome to the jungle video. 142 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:35,820 And I went, that is the coolest guy I have ever seen in my life. 143 00:05:35,820 --> 00:05:37,860 And all I wanted to do with myself 144 00:05:37,860 --> 00:05:41,200 was play loud rock and roll, drink as much as I possibly 145 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,320 could, or just be degenerate generally, 146 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:45,900 and sleep with as many women as I possibly could. 147 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:47,400 And mission accomplished. 148 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:48,740 That was my goal in life. 149 00:05:48,740 --> 00:05:51,980 And that was my focus on many, many things. 150 00:05:51,980 --> 00:05:52,780 But I'm 18. 151 00:05:52,780 --> 00:05:54,240 I'm going up to college. 152 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,620 I'm following her because it was her 153 00:05:56,620 --> 00:05:58,400 and we're going to stay together forever 154 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,540 and totally incapable of being in a relationship 155 00:06:01,540 --> 00:06:03,580 or being a human being for that matter. 156 00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:06,200 And I always felt a little strange everywhere I went. 157 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,240 I always just kind of felt like I was off, 158 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,400 a little off center. 159 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,360 And I went to Fresno State and I had hair down to here. 160 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,620 So I'm walking around and they're going, 161 00:06:14,620 --> 00:06:16,040 who's the freak, you know? 162 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,280 So that's really where I discovered alcohol. 163 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,480 I joined the Greek system and there's nothing wrong 164 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,580 with the Greek system, but we drink. 165 00:06:22,580 --> 00:06:24,160 And that's where I really discovered alcohol. 166 00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:28,080 In high school, maybe I got loaded four or five times 167 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,320 in duration of junior high and high school 168 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,820 because that's what bad kids did. 169 00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:34,000 But I discovered alcohol in college and I went, 170 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,660 well, this is nice. 171 00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:37,120 And it didn't like, you know, you're like, 172 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,660 oh, it gave me confidence, it gave me this. 173 00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:41,120 It just, it didn't really do any of that for me. 174 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,240 It just made me stop caring that I was different. 175 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,780 I just like, I just embraced it. 176 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:46,540 And I just went harder into the paint with it. 177 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,740 You know, I really went, I just really went into it 178 00:06:48,740 --> 00:06:50,780 and it just made me feel comfortable when I was like, 179 00:06:50,780 --> 00:06:54,080 this is good, I can live this way for quite a long time. 180 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:55,480 Fast forward a little bit. 181 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:57,540 I don't know, I was seven or eight years sober 182 00:06:57,540 --> 00:06:59,320 and I had some wisdom teeth pulled out, right? 183 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:01,620 So they put me under, popped those teeth out. 184 00:07:01,620 --> 00:07:03,860 So I'm coming to, and I'm looking up 185 00:07:03,860 --> 00:07:05,860 and there's a beach scene and you see the waves, 186 00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:08,660 like it was stationary, but since the drugs 187 00:07:08,660 --> 00:07:11,360 were getting out of my system, like I was coming out, 188 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,620 the waves were going, the clouds were going. 189 00:07:13,620 --> 00:07:16,620 And I was like, well, this is nice, I can do this. 190 00:07:16,620 --> 00:07:19,120 This is lovely, I could sit here for a while. 191 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,540 But you know, in college, that's just the way it was. 192 00:07:22,540 --> 00:07:23,440 That's how I ran. 193 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,440 I just drank as much as humanly possible. 194 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:29,680 I came back down here because I was following her again 195 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,680 because I didn't learn my lesson the first time, 196 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:33,520 slow learner. 197 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:37,440 And like I said, I just dove into the music scene 198 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:41,360 and just playing music and I got the business card job. 199 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:45,480 I was a segment or associate producer for Ryan Seacrest 200 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:46,680 when he was on the radio. 201 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,560 So I had the business card job 202 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,320 and sometimes people would be like, 203 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,060 you're Will, I heard you on the radio, 204 00:07:52,060 --> 00:07:53,400 which is really jarring. 205 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,940 Now, because I already had that inadequacy problem 206 00:07:56,940 --> 00:07:58,680 where I just don't feel like I belong anywhere 207 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,940 and I don't belong doing what I'm doing. 208 00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:03,600 But now you're talking to me a little differently. 209 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,560 So now why are you talking to me, right? 210 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:06,820 Are you talking to me because you're actually 211 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,820 really interested in me or are you talking to me 212 00:08:08,820 --> 00:08:12,360 because you kind of want to wiggle your way in somewhere? 213 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,820 You know, so it was just very, very strange. 214 00:08:14,820 --> 00:08:18,060 And I just, we had a difference of opinions at that job. 215 00:08:18,060 --> 00:08:19,740 I wanted to stay and they wanted me to leave. 216 00:08:19,740 --> 00:08:22,940 So they gave me my walking papers, 217 00:08:22,940 --> 00:08:24,740 but I was sabotaging myself 218 00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:26,240 because I really wasn't comfortable there. 219 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:27,700 And I just felt like an imposter. 220 00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:29,320 Like I have no idea what I'm doing. 221 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,120 Why am I here? 222 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:30,860 This is crazy. 223 00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:33,280 So I really kind of self-sabotage myself. 224 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,440 And I knew I'm like, this is not where I want to be. 225 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,740 Probably was where I should have been. 226 00:08:37,740 --> 00:08:40,280 I was just too scared to take it seriously 227 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,120 because I'm living at home the entire time 228 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,980 while this is going on because I'm completely inadequate. 229 00:08:44,980 --> 00:08:48,040 And like I said, I became accustomed to quite a lifestyle 230 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,540 and I'm allowed to stay here. 231 00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:51,300 As long as I can and do what I want. 232 00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:54,800 Well, I'm going to stay here as long as I can 233 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,160 and do what I want. 234 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,000 So I did. 235 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,240 So after that awesome radio gig, I said, 236 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,660 well, what the hell am I going to do with myself? 237 00:09:00,660 --> 00:09:02,200 Well, all I really knew were bartenders. 238 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:06,200 So I got a bartending gig and that is fantastic. 239 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:07,960 Fantastic, right? 240 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,420 Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I'm in the bars and I'm working. 241 00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:13,040 We're not supposed to drink on the job. 242 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:14,960 Not supposed to do a lot of things on the job, 243 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,460 but we did a lot of things on the job. 244 00:09:16,460 --> 00:09:17,960 And I'm a pure alcoholic. 245 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:18,620 There's been nothing in my nose or nothing in my mouth. 246 00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:20,200 Nothing in my nose or nothing in my veins. 247 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,860 If you're an alcoholic, I love Jägermeister and Heineken. 248 00:09:22,860 --> 00:09:24,920 Love Jägermeister and Heineken. 249 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:28,120 And the way we drink, everybody always drinks Jäger and Red Bull. 250 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,460 And I'm like, why, why that seems silly? 251 00:09:30,460 --> 00:09:31,860 Just drink the Jäger, you know? 252 00:09:31,860 --> 00:09:33,820 And in the wells, that's where the ice is. 253 00:09:33,820 --> 00:09:35,240 We keep bottles of Jäger. 254 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,380 And there's times where we're going through a bottle a night. 255 00:09:37,380 --> 00:09:38,780 Just me and another guy. 256 00:09:38,780 --> 00:09:41,860 And we're just doing bam, bam, bam, you know? 257 00:09:41,860 --> 00:09:45,080 And a bartending gig is a great gig for an alcoholic 258 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,120 because you get cash and you get to drink on the job. 259 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,780 You're not supposed to, but your big party nights, 260 00:09:50,780 --> 00:09:51,920 I'm already in the bars. 261 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,540 And you know, like I said, I'm in a band, 262 00:09:53,540 --> 00:09:56,000 I'm playing rock and roll and the ladies are lovely. 263 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:57,320 I loved all my girlfriends. 264 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,360 I cheated on every single one of them. 265 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,960 I'm the type of guy, this is me. 266 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:05,660 I'm the type of guy, I'm in a relationship with somebody. 267 00:10:05,660 --> 00:10:07,500 I meet somebody at the bar. 268 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:09,920 We do whatever we have to do in the back of my truck. 269 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:11,860 And then I go home and kiss her on the mouth. 270 00:10:11,860 --> 00:10:13,780 That's the type of guy that I am, right? 271 00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:16,160 I'm the type of guy who has a birthday party, 272 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,080 invites three or four women that I'm sleeping with 273 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:19,180 at the same time. 274 00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:22,760 They don't know this just to see what happens. 275 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,400 Cause I got to thin out the herd. 276 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,740 Like that's how I roll. 277 00:10:25,740 --> 00:10:27,160 That's how I get down. 278 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,740 I will use you quickly until I am done. 279 00:10:30,740 --> 00:10:32,720 And then I will never talk to you again. 280 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:33,560 I am gone. 281 00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:34,920 That's how I do things. 282 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:36,940 So bartending gigs are great. 283 00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:38,940 Met a girl who likes to drink just as much as I do. 284 00:10:38,940 --> 00:10:42,580 More, more of the, now I had an excuse to hammer. 285 00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:45,240 Let's go, let's go. 286 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,880 And I found a girl at the, at the, at my job, 287 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:50,720 at the bar who wanted to be a lawyer. 288 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,080 And I like lawyers because they make lots of money. 289 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,720 And I've become quite accustomed to a lifestyle. 290 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:59,560 I am 27 still living at home with my parents, 291 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:01,440 not paying rent, not paying bills, 292 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:03,120 doing whatever the hell I want. 293 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,500 Just doing whatever I want. 294 00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:06,860 Once again, they've never seen anybody like me. 295 00:11:06,860 --> 00:11:07,800 Don't know what to do with me. 296 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,360 You know, God bless them. 297 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,920 I wouldn't say naive, just, you know, 298 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,880 God and your mother will just love you forever, won't they? 299 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,040 But, um, I found this woman. 300 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:16,360 This woman who was going to be a lawyer. 301 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:17,640 She was moving down to Orange County 302 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,320 and I got tired of this town anyway. 303 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,460 So I was going to, I went down there and moved in with her. 304 00:11:21,460 --> 00:11:24,080 And after eight months she went, you are a wreck. 305 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:25,920 You are a mess. 306 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:27,540 She didn't know. 307 00:11:27,540 --> 00:11:28,580 She's like, you're a mess. 308 00:11:28,580 --> 00:11:31,040 She came home and said, what are you planning on doing? 309 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,840 Living off me for the rest of your life? 310 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:36,000 And my first thought was, shit, who told you? 311 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,160 Cause that was exactly my plan. 312 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,260 And I just looked at her and I said, 313 00:11:39,260 --> 00:11:40,460 I thought I had more time. 314 00:11:40,460 --> 00:11:42,380 I don't know what that means to this day. 315 00:11:42,380 --> 00:11:44,760 You know, I was just going to ride for a couple years 316 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,020 until she got through law school 317 00:11:46,020 --> 00:11:47,580 and then I was going to get my act together. 318 00:11:47,580 --> 00:11:49,400 Um, I picked up a couple of DUIs. 319 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,100 Well, I picked up one DUI during that time, 320 00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:53,880 not in Orange County, but I picked up one DUI and you know, 321 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,640 I'd go to the Valley Club and loaded 322 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,680 because I'm still going to AA meeting. 323 00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:58,760 It's just dumb, you know? 324 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:02,640 And, and, uh, I think that woman a week before Christmas, 325 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:04,120 she came home to an empty apartment. 326 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,840 I just took everything and left. 327 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,680 She was in school and I just called up everybody. 328 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:08,640 I said, I need you down here. 329 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:09,960 And we just load up and took off. 330 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,920 I still remember the voicemail, but now my heart was broken. 331 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,120 So now I had an excuse. 332 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:18,560 I ran home to mom and dad because I have zero coping mechanisms. 333 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,800 I have no idea how to conduct myself. 334 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,280 I had to do everything loaded. 335 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,600 I had to do everything loaded. 336 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,040 Just wake up and go. 337 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,360 I had to, I couldn't get my haircut when I had hair. 338 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:28,360 How dare you, sir? 339 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,020 But I couldn't do anything. 340 00:12:31,020 --> 00:12:33,960 So I ran home to mom and dad and I had an excuse, you know, 341 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,380 because she broke my heart, fell into a bottle. 342 00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:38,120 Didn't really leave the bottle, but you know, 343 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:41,200 now I had something that everybody can get behind, you know? 344 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,920 So I got myself another bartending gig because I really, 345 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:44,920 I was unemployed. 346 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:48,520 I have really no marketable skills, you know, which is guitar. 347 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,480 Give me a CEO position. 348 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:54,320 So you know, bartending gig and I was out in Simi Valley and I was drinking as usual 349 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:57,760 and I was going home and all of a sudden the lights flash. 350 00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,920 And they're really mean out there in Ventura County. 351 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:03,600 Don't get pulled over in Ventura County, you know? 352 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:08,520 And when I first started going to AA meetings at my first DUI, there was a woman who stood 353 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:12,160 up there and said, Hey, if you're here for your first DUI, you might've just made a mistake. 354 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:13,160 But if you're here for your second DUI, you might have just made a mistake. 355 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,000 If you're here for your second DUI, you might want to look at it. 356 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:20,740 Now what I heard was I'm okay until I get my second DUI. 357 00:13:20,740 --> 00:13:25,260 That's what I heard because I just need an inch and I'm going to run with that bad boy. 358 00:13:25,260 --> 00:13:30,420 So you know, I take you to the drunk tank and all these things and I finally get home 359 00:13:30,420 --> 00:13:34,920 the next day and I call my sisters who I have a fragmented relationship with at that time. 360 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,960 But I called my sisters and like, I think I got a problem. 361 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:38,960 They're like, no kidding. 362 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,760 We've been waiting for this phone call forever. 363 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:41,760 No kidding. 364 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:42,760 All right. 365 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:46,520 Well, I went to one of those bougie rehabs because I couldn't do the 90 and 90. 366 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:50,080 I kind of needed to be, mostly I wanted to run away from all the consequences that I 367 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,920 gave up on, you know, thrusting upon me. 368 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:56,980 So I went to one of those bougie rehabs, a little 90 day bougie rehabs that they charge 369 00:13:56,980 --> 00:14:01,340 your insurance with celebrities and we're going to be on people magazine as sober friends 370 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:06,140 and you know, they, they check you in and uh, you know, you wake up, they wake you up 371 00:14:06,140 --> 00:14:09,720 at six in the morning to check your pulse and check your every, all these vitals on 372 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:10,720 you. 373 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:11,720 And they're like, we're just making sure you're okay. 374 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:12,720 I'm like, I was sleeping. 375 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,080 I was okay. 376 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,080 Why are you waking me up? 377 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:16,080 Leave me alone. 378 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:17,080 It's six in the morning. 379 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:18,940 I didn't know they made a six in the morning anymore. 380 00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:21,640 I get, apparently I missed that memo, you know? 381 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:25,380 And um, after about a week there, Mr. Del Piso, it seems to us, you don't want to make 382 00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:26,380 your bed. 383 00:14:26,380 --> 00:14:27,380 I'm like, that seems to be correct. 384 00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:30,540 You should probably get on top of that for as much money as that I'm not paying to be 385 00:14:30,540 --> 00:14:31,540 here. 386 00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:36,220 You should make my bed for me, you know, but with all the bravado and all the noise, I 387 00:14:36,220 --> 00:14:39,500 don't know if anybody relates this, but when somebody kind of gets on you, you turn up 388 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:41,480 the volume a little bit, push everybody away. 389 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:42,880 It's a lot easier that way. 390 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:47,140 But I knew, I knew I looked myself in the mirror and I went, what the hell, what the 391 00:14:47,140 --> 00:14:48,140 hell? 392 00:14:48,140 --> 00:14:49,480 Like I couldn't, I couldn't ignore it anymore. 393 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,800 It was really easy for me to ignore the next day. 394 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:58,420 A lot of my benders and a lot of the situations I got myself into and uh, her, um, what was 395 00:14:58,420 --> 00:14:59,420 I thinking? 396 00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:07,000 For whatever reason, I looked in the mirror and it hurt so bad and I went, I don't care 397 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,220 what they asked me to do. 398 00:15:09,220 --> 00:15:10,980 I'm going to do whatever they tell me to do. 399 00:15:10,980 --> 00:15:12,760 I can't do this anymore. 400 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,200 I just flat cannot do this anymore. 401 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:19,000 And um, the thing with rehab is the more noise you make, the more everybody descends upon 402 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,000 you because they want to help you. 403 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:24,460 So I went, okay, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut now and just do everything that 404 00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:25,560 they tell me to do. 405 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:26,560 So I did my 90. 406 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:30,140 I did my, you know, living and all that other stuff and I came home once again to mom and 407 00:15:30,140 --> 00:15:34,080 dad cause I literally have zero money, but at least I'm sober now, you know, 90 days 408 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:35,080 sober. 409 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:39,740 And I found the USR men's stag, which is my home group on Thursday nights and they are 410 00:15:39,740 --> 00:15:40,740 not nice. 411 00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:41,940 They just pull over there. 412 00:15:41,940 --> 00:15:43,180 They poke you in the chest. 413 00:15:43,180 --> 00:15:47,500 Um, why are they treating me like, how is everybody treating me like garbage? 414 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:50,360 Cause you're acting like garbage and they're treating you exactly the way you should be 415 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:51,360 treated. 416 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:52,360 Oh, Oh, okay. 417 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:53,360 Okay. 418 00:15:53,360 --> 00:16:00,380 But it was where I found Alcoholics Anonymous where men were actually doing the deal, right? 419 00:16:00,380 --> 00:16:05,420 It wasn't just guys in the podium just talking and just looking good in front of everybody. 420 00:16:05,420 --> 00:16:10,020 It was guys actually like, no, no, I have a family and I treat my family correct and 421 00:16:10,020 --> 00:16:10,620 I have parents. 422 00:16:10,620 --> 00:16:14,460 And I call them and I love them, you know, and I have a God of my own understanding and 423 00:16:14,460 --> 00:16:17,120 I treat my family well and I have a job that I do well at. 424 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,260 Like they were walking the walk. 425 00:16:18,260 --> 00:16:19,260 They weren't living in meetings. 426 00:16:19,260 --> 00:16:20,260 They were living life. 427 00:16:20,260 --> 00:16:22,140 And I went, Oh, Oh, okay. 428 00:16:22,140 --> 00:16:23,140 Okay. 429 00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:24,140 Let's, let's see what's going on here. 430 00:16:24,140 --> 00:16:26,140 And I just did exactly what they told me to do. 431 00:16:26,140 --> 00:16:28,740 I went up to a gentleman and I said, Hey, will you be my sponsor? 432 00:16:28,740 --> 00:16:29,740 Um, and he said yes. 433 00:16:29,740 --> 00:16:34,800 And I went, Oh no, don't say yes, don't say yes, please. 434 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,400 And he was very mean to me. 435 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,320 I wasn't suggested anything. 436 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,020 I was told what to do. 437 00:16:40,020 --> 00:16:41,780 Nobody suggested anything to me. 438 00:16:41,780 --> 00:16:42,780 I don't care. 439 00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:43,780 Drink and die. 440 00:16:43,780 --> 00:16:44,780 Click. 441 00:16:44,780 --> 00:16:45,780 You know what I mean? 442 00:16:45,780 --> 00:16:46,780 And here's the problem. 443 00:16:46,780 --> 00:16:48,400 It's not, death is not the problem. 444 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,400 That's thank God. 445 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,680 Cause all the problems go away. 446 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:56,260 The problem is you don't die and you're a piece of garbage for the rest of your life. 447 00:16:56,260 --> 00:16:58,720 Oh, Oh no. 448 00:16:58,720 --> 00:16:59,820 That's not a good look. 449 00:16:59,820 --> 00:17:01,860 I don't feel that doesn't feel right. 450 00:17:01,860 --> 00:17:04,200 So I just did what the men told me to do. 451 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:08,020 And the first year sucked out loud sucked next year's. 452 00:17:08,020 --> 00:17:09,020 Okay. 453 00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:10,020 All right. 454 00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:11,020 Oh, third year. 455 00:17:11,020 --> 00:17:12,020 I'm on my own. 456 00:17:12,020 --> 00:17:13,020 I'm in an apartment. 457 00:17:13,020 --> 00:17:14,020 I'm doing my. 458 00:17:14,020 --> 00:17:15,020 Oh, okay. 459 00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:18,360 You know, you start getting those things, you know, and I just did what the men told me 460 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:19,360 to do. 461 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,520 And I did the steps and I read the book and I went to meetings. 462 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:24,780 I tried to be a service of where I can. 463 00:17:24,780 --> 00:17:27,820 I have found that I don't need to be in a leadership position because I take myself 464 00:17:27,820 --> 00:17:29,900 entirely too seriously. 465 00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:34,280 Don't need to be that guy, you know, but I just did what the men told me to do because 466 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:35,780 they had what I wanted. 467 00:17:35,780 --> 00:17:36,780 Right? 468 00:17:36,780 --> 00:17:37,780 Not everybody has what I want, but I found the men who I'm like, Oh, I want this. 469 00:17:37,780 --> 00:17:38,780 I want this. 470 00:17:38,780 --> 00:17:43,160 I want the men who I'm like, Oh, I want to be like you or even close relation to you. 471 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:46,980 If you guys are familiar with the USR or Bob Fischer, you know who Bob Fischer was. 472 00:17:46,980 --> 00:17:49,280 Bob Fischer was a staple in that meeting. 473 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:54,820 And if I could be 10% of Bob Fischer, holy cow, he's a monster. 474 00:17:54,820 --> 00:17:55,820 Still is a monster. 475 00:17:55,820 --> 00:17:59,540 My sponsor, I'll call it my sponsor complain about something he's all, let me get this 476 00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:00,540 straight. 477 00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:02,780 I'm like, no, don't say that to me. 478 00:18:02,780 --> 00:18:03,780 Don't. 479 00:18:03,780 --> 00:18:06,120 And then he would every once in a while say, well, what would Bob Fischer do? 480 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:07,780 I'm like, that is hurtful, sir. 481 00:18:07,780 --> 00:18:09,600 It's hurtful. 482 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:10,600 Say that to me. 483 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:15,220 I don't like, but I just followed those men and I did exactly what I was supposed to be 484 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:22,240 doing, you know, and got myself a little lady, got myself a wife now and who I take for granted 485 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:23,240 more than I should. 486 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:28,080 And it's a shame because like I said, for a while there, we opened up our business, 487 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,780 opened up a business together, which I do not recommend. 488 00:18:30,780 --> 00:18:35,400 And we closed a business, which I highly recommend us being who we are. 489 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:36,400 She's an alcoholic also. 490 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:37,400 But I got myself a wife. 491 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:42,020 I got myself a little lady and trying to have a kid, you know, taking a second or two, you 492 00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:43,580 know, finally, finally. 493 00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:48,620 And December, 2018, she's five months pregnant and there's a problem. 494 00:18:48,620 --> 00:18:49,620 So we lost that child. 495 00:18:49,620 --> 00:18:50,620 That would have been my son. 496 00:18:50,620 --> 00:18:54,440 It was a week before Christmas, you know, I was nine years sober and her sponsor, he 497 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,220 asked me, he's like, Hey, you want to go speak at a meeting? 498 00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:58,620 I'm like, I don't even know what's going on. 499 00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:03,800 And I can reflect on it now that the real miracle about all that was that the last thing 500 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,120 I even was thinking of was drinking. 501 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:07,120 Okay. 502 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:08,120 My first thought was like, I need an adult. 503 00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,120 Somebody help me. 504 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:10,120 I don't know what I'm doing. 505 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:11,120 And my sponsor said to me, he's like, at the end of the day, be proud of the day you had 506 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,120 and be proud of putting your head on the pillow. 507 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,120 Okay. 508 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,120 I don't know what that means. 509 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,120 But okay. 510 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:16,120 I understand that for whatever strange reason. 511 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,120 I get it. 512 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:18,120 All right. 513 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,120 So I want to put my head down today and go, I did, I did well today, you know, because 514 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:20,120 whatever I'm going through, I cannot even imagine what I'm going through. 515 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,120 I can't imagine what I'm going through. 516 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:22,120 I can't imagine what I'm going through. 517 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,120 I can't imagine what I'm going through. 518 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,120 I can't even imagine. 519 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:25,120 It's just one of those things, you know, we're promised sobriety and we participate in life. 520 00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,120 These things happen. 521 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,120 It's up and down. 522 00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,120 It's left and right. 523 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:29,120 Nobody said it'd be easy. 524 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,120 But what they did say was that we're going to help you get tools in order to deal with 525 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:31,120 these things like this. 526 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:32,120 So I want to put my head down today and go, I did well today. 527 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:33,120 You know, because whatever I'm going through, I cannot even imagine what my wife was going 528 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:34,120 through. 529 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:35,120 I cannot even imagine. 530 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,120 It's just one of those things, you know, we're promised sobriety and we participate 531 00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:37,120 in life. 532 00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:38,120 These things happen. 533 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,120 It's up and down. 534 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,120 It's left and right. 535 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:41,120 Nobody said it'd be easy. 536 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,120 But what they did say was that we're going to help you get tools in order to deal with 537 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:43,120 these things like a man, like a human being, like somebody to be respected. 538 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:44,120 You know, you know, and when the storm was going, they put my feet on the ground. 539 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,120 I'm like, not today. 540 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,120 You're not blowing me around. 541 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:47,120 I'll be back here tomorrow and I don't care how long it's going to take, but we're going 542 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,120 to ride this out. 543 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:49,120 And, um, yeah, we lost that child and we opened up a business. 544 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,120 We put all our efforts into it. 545 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:51,120 We put all our efforts into it. 546 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,120 We put all our efforts into it. 547 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,120 We put all our efforts into it. 548 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:54,120 We put all our efforts into it. 549 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,120 We put all our efforts into it. 550 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,120 And, um, decided that alcoholics and non-profits was not necessarily the most important thing 551 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:57,120 right now because we're trying to build something. 552 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,120 And I think within that seven years, I think I was on the verge of divorce three times. 553 00:19:58,120 --> 00:19:59,120 A lot of pressure. 554 00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:00,120 You're that pressure cooker and I'm a little kicker. 555 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:01,120 I'm a little kicker. 556 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:02,120 I'm like, you know what? 557 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:03,120 Let's put some pressure on these kids. 558 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,120 Let's get out of here. 559 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,120 Let's get out of here. 560 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,120 You know, and one of the things that we learned is that if, you know, if they put their life 561 00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,120 at risk, that's going to be the worst thing ever. 562 00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:08,120 Because I've been with them for a long time. 563 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:13,360 we opened up a business we put all our efforts into that and decided that Alcoholics Anonymous 564 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:17,020 was not necessarily the most important thing right now because we're trying to build something 565 00:20:17,020 --> 00:20:21,880 and I think within that seven years I think I was on the verge of divorce three times a lot 566 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:26,160 of pressure you're that pressure cooker and I'm a little stubborn I'm a little self-righteous but I 567 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:29,620 stopped doing the things that I should have been doing right I stopped going to meetings I stopped 568 00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:34,620 reading the big book stopped being a service thinking about me all the time and I don't need 569 00:20:34,620 --> 00:20:40,520 to drink to ruin my life I can do it pretty well without keeping in contact I was calling my 570 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:45,220 sponsor and I was doing the things and I was around I wasn't in the middle I was around and 571 00:20:45,220 --> 00:20:49,780 you know what happens to people who stay around don't stay around for very long you know but 572 00:20:49,780 --> 00:20:55,500 during that time um we had a we had a little girl because God has a sense of humor so we had a 573 00:20:55,500 --> 00:21:04,380 little girl she'll be four in July and she oh oh like that that ruins you that softens you so 574 00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:04,600 quickly 575 00:21:04,620 --> 00:21:09,400 you can't even understand I have all the great intentions of saying no like no I'm going to be 576 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:14,700 disciplined and not that falls right out no because that's my little girl right there and 577 00:21:14,700 --> 00:21:20,620 I got to spoil the hell out of her I have to you know but she forces me to be a better human being 578 00:21:20,620 --> 00:21:25,440 she forces me to be a better human being we had a five-year anniversary party for our business we 579 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:30,200 owned a gym five-year anniversary party and in our location every once in a while we have somebody 580 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:34,600 you know sleeping outside because they have no place to go sleeping by the dumpster my wife's 581 00:21:34,620 --> 00:21:38,140 like oh we should give them the extra food we had left over and I'm like no they're like feral cats 582 00:21:38,140 --> 00:21:42,300 once you feed one of them the rest of them can't get rid of them and uh putting my baby in the back 583 00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:46,860 of the car told my wife like hey just keep your eyes out there's a gentleman sleeping eight feet 584 00:21:46,860 --> 00:21:52,120 away and he's kind of restless she's like daddy what's wrong with him and I'm like oh oh monkey 585 00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:57,520 he's just getting comfortable he's just trying to sleep she looks at me she's like maybe he just 586 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:04,050 misses his mommy oh why did you say that every time I see somebody now sleeping on the street 587 00:22:04,050 --> 00:22:07,870 I'm like maybe they just miss their mom you know it just you just but those little things you go 588 00:22:07,870 --> 00:22:14,730 yeah yeah I'm terrible I get it I get it thank you for reminding me how to be a better human being 589 00:22:14,730 --> 00:22:20,590 but you know Ryan and I uh we uh rediscovered each other maybe about three or four months ago 590 00:22:20,590 --> 00:22:25,530 both of us going like we need to be better people don't we so like I said I get a phone call every 591 00:22:25,530 --> 00:22:32,150 morning regardless if I want it or not from Ryan Foley lighting my world on fire but it it's it's 592 00:22:32,150 --> 00:22:38,110 not it's the music it's the music of it you know I mean I I like oh yeah that's right that's right 593 00:22:38,110 --> 00:22:41,050 this is where I need to be and these are the people I need to be talking to and this is the 594 00:22:41,050 --> 00:22:44,970 life that I need to lead and this is who I need to this is what I need to prioritize these are 595 00:22:44,970 --> 00:22:50,890 things that I need to focus on you know and not everybody makes it back into the rooms and I have 596 00:22:50,890 --> 00:22:56,630 too much way entirely too much I have a home I haven't missed a meal since I've been sober 597 00:22:56,630 --> 00:23:04,350 clean clothes I take my blessings and shift them over into the burden pile as opposed to reminding 598 00:23:04,350 --> 00:23:09,630 myself that I wanted these burdens and maybe you should count your blessings stupid because 599 00:23:09,630 --> 00:23:14,230 there's somebody sleeping on the road who just misses his mother you know my wife lost her mother 600 00:23:14,230 --> 00:23:18,610 six months ago I come home she's crying every once in a while she's like yeah this is the first time 601 00:23:18,610 --> 00:23:24,510 I did xyz without calling my mom you know my dad and I um have not seen eye to eye in the last 602 00:23:24,510 --> 00:23:26,800 couple years um 603 00:23:26,820 --> 00:23:32,480 my part in it is probably haven't been the best son in the world um you know and it's it's been 604 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:37,820 a challenge to say the least and I would talk to my sponsor about it and kind of pining you know 605 00:23:37,820 --> 00:23:42,780 why does my father love me just being overly dramatic but he's just like man you gotta mimic 606 00:23:42,780 --> 00:23:46,280 the behavior you want so when you leave your parents house give your dad a hug and a kiss 607 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:50,100 and say I love you and walk out what's the problem you know because those are the things that I can 608 00:23:50,100 --> 00:23:54,500 control those are the little thing I can't control anything else but what I can is control my 609 00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:56,800 behavior and my reactions and how I do things 610 00:23:56,800 --> 00:24:02,140 right I can do those things okay I can do that you know regardless of how a situation might be 611 00:24:02,140 --> 00:24:07,220 with my family or like that I can okay I can be that person you know um and it's just those little 612 00:24:07,220 --> 00:24:11,580 reminders that I forgot about that the blessings of Alcoholics Anonymous had given me you know 613 00:24:11,580 --> 00:24:17,000 that I just took for granted once again I took all my blessings pushed them to the side and said 614 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:22,340 I'm going to take control of this I got this figured out going crazy losing my mind because 615 00:24:22,340 --> 00:24:26,460 I'm just uncomfortable because I forgot to do the things that I should be doing and 616 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:31,260 I was really frustrated I'm not going to go to meetings every once in a while and being the 617 00:24:31,260 --> 00:24:35,460 spiritual guidance of everybody it's not a place where I need to be I understand it's 17 years 618 00:24:35,460 --> 00:24:40,800 sober where I sit in the mix of things but I still need people above me you know the double my time 619 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:47,640 look at me going like yeah okay settle down stupid okay that was cute love ya but stop believing your 620 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:51,520 own height and that's the blessing of Alcoholics Anonymous and that's the blessings that like I 621 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:56,680 said have been thrust upon me against my will just because I chose to push all my chips in and say I'm 622 00:24:56,680 --> 00:25:05,580 I don't care what they ask me to do I am going to do it because I am done I truly believe you know 623 00:25:05,580 --> 00:25:11,220 in the deepest of your soul if you are done I have seen people who are 99% in and I have 624 00:25:11,220 --> 00:25:16,240 buried those people I have buried those people this is the first thing in my life where I went 625 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:23,360 I don't care what it is or what you want me to do all in I am all in hell or high water I'm rolling 626 00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:29,460 with this and it has given me more than I have given it way more than I have given it because 627 00:25:29,460 --> 00:25:34,840 once again I will find ways to take advantage of little things or finesse the situation that I feel 628 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:40,340 benefits me the most as opposed like hey maybe you should think about somebody else for 10 seconds 629 00:25:40,340 --> 00:25:44,340 out of the day you think you can do that I know it's a long time to think about somebody that's 630 00:25:44,340 --> 00:25:49,720 a long time to think about somebody else but maybe you should do that because for the first 30 years 631 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:53,360 you thought about yourself and that ends you up and ends you up in alcoholics 632 00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:57,620 anonymous how well did that work out for you you clearly have your life in order because nobody 633 00:25:57,620 --> 00:26:01,260 really comes in here on a winning streak you know we're not the house in the hills with millions and 634 00:26:01,260 --> 00:26:05,540 millions of dollars in the cars and everybody loves us you know you know what on a Saturday 635 00:26:05,540 --> 00:26:10,280 night I'm going to an AA meeting to see what's going on there but those are the things that have 636 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:14,520 been given to me and there's everything I learned about alcoholics anonymous in life I learned in 637 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:20,320 the first 90 days go to meetings be a service read the big books be a service and think about 638 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,340 somebody else maybe let's do that last one in there but think about 639 00:26:23,340 --> 00:26:27,840 somebody else maybe for a second you know I mean and it's just I hear the same thing over and over 640 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:36,120 in different versions why because I'm dense and I need to hear it over and over and over again 641 00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:45,740 to remind myself on how wonderful my life is that I asked for all of this I wanted this life and 642 00:26:45,740 --> 00:26:51,040 sometimes I'm too stupid to remember those things and it's the men and women in these rooms who 643 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:52,480 slap me across the face 644 00:26:53,340 --> 00:26:59,600 metaphorically who slap me across the face and remind my remind me you asked for this and you 645 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:04,780 get this you can go out and die how about that leave that little girl leave your wife go ahead 646 00:27:04,780 --> 00:27:09,860 and die see how that works out for you it is a blessing to be here it is an honor to be here 647 00:27:09,860 --> 00:27:16,340 this has it didn't save my life it just gave me a life you know and it's not even mine it's not 648 00:27:16,340 --> 00:27:20,880 even mine it's God's life and it's just my responsibility to try to do it as best I can 649 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:23,320 you know it'd be honest intentions and that's just what I said to my wife I said to my wife 650 00:27:23,340 --> 00:27:27,240 this is what it is supposed to be doing it's um it's a blessing to be here thank you for having me 651 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:31,480 here thank you for coming and listen to my nonsense for the last 35 minutes 652 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:35,820 the chaos in my brain but it's a blessing to be here thank you very much 653 00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:36,680 Thank you 654 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:37,500 Thank you 655 00:27:37,500 --> 00:27:38,380 That was really good 656 00:27:38,380 --> 00:27:40,740 Very good 657 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:48,080 Bill, glad I wasn't one of your girlfriends 658 00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:51,580 No