1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:29,980 Hi, I'm Kathy. I'm an alcoholic. Hi. Hello. Thank you, everyone, for asking me to speak tonight. Let's see. Today, I was working on my finances with my husband, who's also an alcoholic. So you can only imagine what it is like working with the two recovering alcoholics working on numbers. So but I'm grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous because it has allowed me to be able to communicate and always see my part and see how I can help people. 2 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:59,980 I can do better. And AA is in my life every single day, in every moment of my life. I have 11 years of sobriety. My sobriety date is February 9 of 2015. And my home group is Pacific Group. My sponsor is Brenda Watson. I just got a new sponsor switched over about three or four months ago. So that's, it's been, you know, it's a lot. It's exactly where I'm supposed to be. And I'm super grateful for that. So a little bit about 3 00:00:59,980 --> 00:01:29,780 myself. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley in North Hollywood. And I grew up in an alcoholic home. My father was an alcoholic. So let's take a look at the time. My father was an alcoholic. And I had two older siblings that were a lot older. My sister's 11 years older than I am. And my brother's 15 years older. And then I have a younger brother that's five years younger. So before my brother was born, I felt very alone, right? So my siblings were a lot older teenagers. I mean, 4 00:01:29,980 --> 00:01:35,400 my own brother had graduated from high school. And when I was little, like, I didn't know that 5 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:41,140 they were my siblings. You know, I didn't understand that. And growing up, I was very, 6 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:48,120 a very extremely anxious kid. There was a lot of chaos in my household. Interestingly enough, 7 00:01:48,380 --> 00:01:54,040 you know, with my dad being an alcoholic, it was just all different experiences, like all the 8 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:58,540 feelings encompass in one, like there was a lot of, you know, laughter, a lot of sadness, a lot 9 00:01:58,540 --> 00:02:05,240 of happiness, a lot of pain, a lot of anger, you know, a lot of fighting. So, you know, I grew up, 10 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:10,340 it was just a little confusing, because I didn't know, you know, on a Friday night, Saturday night, 11 00:02:10,340 --> 00:02:15,740 what it would look like, right? And as a kid, I was super, super nervous. When my parents would 12 00:02:15,740 --> 00:02:21,080 start fighting my stomach, I would get some kind of tummy ache, like knots, like kind of like the 13 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:26,260 anxiety we get when you know, we're drinking out there. So I feel like I, you know, I was born an 14 00:02:26,260 --> 00:02:32,240 alcoholic. And, you know, growing up, like I mentioned, you know, felt really alone. And then 15 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:36,860 my brother was born. And then that was just a new thing for me as well. Still not understanding that 16 00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:41,480 this little baby is my brother. And, you know, I didn't have parents, I really explained things to 17 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:45,680 me, you know, I was like, five, six, seven years old. And I just, you know, a baby popped out of 18 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:52,640 my mom. And I'm like, Okay, cool, I get someone to hang out with. And, but at a very young age, 19 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,600 you know, alcoholism was very, very present in my life. 20 00:02:56,260 --> 00:03:01,940 family. And so it was kind of it was a little hard to navigate life, I would say, you know, 21 00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:06,780 going to school, you know, I tried to enjoy it. But it was hard. Sometimes I, you know, because 22 00:03:06,780 --> 00:03:11,440 my parents would be arguing at night, I'd be sleepy the next morning, and things that I didn't 23 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:17,260 know back then that I'm realizing more now as more years of sobriety comes along, right of of how 24 00:03:17,260 --> 00:03:24,900 alcoholism is a family disease, right. And so, you know, I went on with my in elementary, I had a lot 25 00:03:26,260 --> 00:03:28,880 of friends, I had a lot of friends, I had a lot of friends, I had a lot of friends, I had a lot of friends, 26 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:35,300 like I was a popular kid, but I didn't feel like I was in the popular crowd, right? I felt like I was 27 00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:41,760 always looking behind the scenes, just kind of just extremely shy, extremely quiet. And then I also 28 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:48,540 had a huge, why still do have a stuttering issue. And I believe that I believe I know that it came 29 00:03:48,540 --> 00:03:52,820 from growing up in that chaotic home, right. And like I said, these are all things that I'm 30 00:03:52,820 --> 00:03:56,040 realizing now that I've gotten, you know, outside help with as well. But I still have a lot of friends, 31 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:56,240 and I still have a lot of friends, and I still have a lot of friends, and I still have a lot of friends, 32 00:03:56,260 --> 00:04:01,140 but so you know, growing up with that, you know, still confused. My dad loved my dad, my dad was my 33 00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:06,660 best friend, right? Like the alcoholic, I just loved him. And then I didn't, I wonder why my mom 34 00:04:06,660 --> 00:04:11,920 was so rageful, right? Like, what's going on here? Like, I didn't, I didn't understand. And as a young 35 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:15,400 kid, you know, I saw a lot of things that I shouldn't have seen, I experienced a lot, a lot 36 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:21,200 of things I shouldn't have experienced. And, but I blocked that off, you know, like I went on as 37 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:26,240 elementary school, you know, middle school, I was a good kid, I think for me is that I was trying to 38 00:04:26,260 --> 00:04:31,680 be such a good kid, because I didn't want to create more havoc in my household, right? So I was, 39 00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:37,680 I have this thing where I'm a perfectionist, like I want to do really well, like I want to get that 40 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:44,220 gold star, like that is always my goal. And I also took it upon myself to take care of my younger 41 00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:49,080 brother, I had this full responsibility of doing that. And what it would look like on a Friday or 42 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:54,580 Saturday night going to a family party is getting that same, you know, not in my tummy, getting to 43 00:04:54,580 --> 00:04:56,040 the party, not knowing how the night was going to be. And I was like, I don't know, I don't know, 44 00:04:56,040 --> 00:05:01,300 it was going to end. And of course, by the end of the night, just making sure you know, my mom was 45 00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,940 having a good time taking care of my little brother. And then I knew my dad was out there 46 00:05:04,940 --> 00:05:08,720 drinking with my uncle. And by the end of the night, my mom would be in the car having me go 47 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:13,540 back and forth to convince my dad, come on, let's go, we have to go, we have to go. So for a seven, 48 00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:19,720 eight year old kid to be doing that, you know, it was, you know, it was rough. So middle school was 49 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:25,060 fine. There was a lot of kids that were already doing drugs and drinking, I had no idea, like 50 00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:25,760 until high school. 51 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:32,260 I was like, I said, I was trying to be a straight, a straight edge kid, went to high school. And 52 00:05:32,260 --> 00:05:36,960 same thing, you know, it's just, you know, cruising through high school, same thing, you know, I had a 53 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:41,580 lot of friends, you know, I was a popular kid, and I was just trying to be involved. And I wanted a 54 00:05:41,580 --> 00:05:46,180 better life for myself. I never once thought like, I don't want to be like my dad, because I adored 55 00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:53,700 my dad. What I did notice is the consequences, right. And that is what really scared me is how 56 00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:55,900 drinking can create these 57 00:05:55,900 --> 00:06:02,600 problems in a family and also, yeah, like how, how it affected us. So I knew for me, that's something 58 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:06,880 that I didn't want to carry on. But never did I feel like I don't want to be like my dad, I love 59 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:12,080 my dad, my dad was my best friend, like I mentioned. And that's how this, you know, the daddy's girl 60 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:20,380 and all good, right. And then my first drink was when I was 16, I think maybe 17. It was again, 61 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:25,380 at a family party. And my cousin had asked if I wanted to take a shot. And 62 00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:31,240 it was just, you know, like I said, a good kid, I could not hang out with my cousins, because they 63 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:35,660 were already drinking and smoking pot. And my when I would go to these parties, my mom would look at 64 00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:40,360 me and tell me, you better not go hang out with them. They would hang out behind the canopy, right, 65 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:44,620 doing their thing. And I have to be in the living room taking care of my little cousins and my 66 00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:49,300 brother. So when he asked me, and the one thing is that I love to dance. So I would go out and dance 67 00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:53,440 on the dance floor. And then I danced with him. And, you know, but it took me a while, like I'd be 68 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:57,680 there for hours. And I couldn't go and do it by myself until someone asked me to do it. So I was 69 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:02,620 extremely shy, like I couldn't fully be myself, because I was always on guard. I was just always 70 00:07:02,620 --> 00:07:07,360 observing my surroundings. And so when he asked me to take a shot, I said, you know, sure, why not? 71 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:12,080 So we took a shot. We went, we sat back down. And there's both like a couple of minutes. I'm like, 72 00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:15,320 oh, you know, let's go back and take another shot. He's like, okay. And he's worried, 73 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:20,180 because he knows my dad is extremely strict, right? And he knows like, I can't be doing what 74 00:07:20,180 --> 00:07:23,140 I'm doing. So then I went for the third shot. And he's just looking at me like, 75 00:07:23,140 --> 00:07:27,320 are you sure? And I'm like, dude, it's totally fine. Let's go. So we went and we took another 76 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:33,440 shot. And that's the way that I drank. I love hard liquor. I'm a binge drinker. I drink on the 77 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:39,660 weekends. I'm a party girl to the fullest. It doesn't mean that I haven't that I don't drink 78 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:45,600 other days I do, but I'm not the typical everyday drinker. But I am a party party binge drinker. 79 00:07:46,020 --> 00:07:52,240 And so hard liquor is my thing. Vodka and whiskey were my main drinks. And that night, 80 00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:59,220 like all that anxiety, all that responsibility that I felt like I had to hold on to just kind of 81 00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:06,560 dissipated. And I ended up sitting on a guy's lap. And I totally forgot that I had invited my high 82 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:11,800 school sweetheart. So when I came to, I was sitting down on this guy's lap. And what makes 83 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:17,880 it worse is that this guy's lap was this guy was my cousin, right? And it was really hard for me 84 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:22,100 to share. This is the first time I've ever shared that and for, you know, from the podium. 85 00:08:23,140 --> 00:08:27,900 And, you know, he's not my blood cousins, like in the Latino community, people you grew up with 86 00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:32,140 become your cousins, your uncles, you know, so on and so forth. But there was a lot of shame around 87 00:08:32,140 --> 00:08:38,740 that, right? And shame with because it was confusing for me. And, you know, as soon as my 88 00:08:38,740 --> 00:08:44,600 high school sweetheart shows up, I'm just justifying every action, every behavior, because 89 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:50,240 that's just what I do as an alcoholic. It's not what it looks like, you don't understand. And 90 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,980 that's how the rest of my drinking came along. And 91 00:08:53,140 --> 00:08:58,840 interestingly enough, is that at that moment, I feel completely alive, like I feel so the most 92 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:04,080 present I have ever felt in my whole entire life. And it just felt, you know, it felt good. And for 93 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:08,080 someone to tell me that I was drunk, I didn't understand. I felt like no, this is who I am, 94 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:14,000 like everything is, you know, I feel good. Like I am so present right now. And, you know, after 95 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:18,040 that, you know, I think I was 16, 17. It's not like I continued drinking or seeking it. But I 96 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:23,020 knew that if we were to come across it, or we went to another party, I'd want to drink. So, 97 00:09:23,140 --> 00:09:28,480 I went to college, I went to CSUN. And, you know, we started drinking, like on the weekends. 98 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:35,100 And some of my girlfriends went to school at UC Santa Barbara. So, they went to UC Santa Barbara. 99 00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:39,760 And like I said, my dad was extremely strict, but now I'm 18, right? So, still living under his roof, 100 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,840 so I need to ask for permission. But now he's a little bit more flexible with me and letting me 101 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:50,200 go out. So, I went, I would go to Santa Barbara every weekend. And that's when my drinking took 102 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,120 off, right? Like driving away on the freeway. And I was like, I'm going to go to UC Santa Barbara. 103 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:58,660 Anyway, you know, seeing that big bridge, once you get to Ventura County, I was like, we're here, 104 00:09:58,860 --> 00:10:02,940 we're here. Because once we get to Santa Barbara, like it's on, like I get to drink the way I want 105 00:10:02,940 --> 00:10:06,720 to drink. And it wasn't a big deal, because everyone was drinking the way we were drinking. 106 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:10,800 But I was still the one that was getting the most hammered, you know, from all my friends. But still, 107 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:15,680 same thing. Like, I didn't think it was a big deal. I had good grades, I was going to college. 108 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:20,980 Then I felt like, you know what, CSUN is not, I was always looking for something better. So, 109 00:10:20,980 --> 00:10:23,060 for some reason, I felt like CSUN, 110 00:10:23,060 --> 00:10:27,820 wasn't good enough for me, right? I want to go to UC Santa Barbara. So, I told my parents, 111 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,560 you know, I'm moving with my girlfriends to Santa Barbara, and I'm gonna go to City College out 112 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:36,180 there and then transfer to UCSB. And when I, you know, gave that proposal to my family, 113 00:10:36,180 --> 00:10:40,740 the first thing my sister said was, you just want to go because you want to party. And I remember 114 00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:44,700 feeling offended because I was like, no, I want to better my education. Like it didn't click, 115 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:51,100 right? So, I go off to Santa Barbara. And, you know, at this point, I'm 19 years old, right? 116 00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:53,020 Off to Santa Barbara, 19 going to... 117 00:10:53,060 --> 00:10:57,000 Going on 20. And I'm binge drinking. I don't think it's a big deal because I'm going to school 118 00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:01,880 full time. I'm working full time. You know, my parents didn't have the means to provide for me 119 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:06,320 to go to college and not work. Like that wasn't part of my life. So, I felt like I deserved it. 120 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:12,560 You know, it's, I'm taking care of myself. So, this big boss type of attitude, this big shot, 121 00:11:12,660 --> 00:11:18,200 like ego was always present in me. And I feel like nobody can tell me what to do, right? And 122 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:22,760 I had a college boyfriend at that time who I, you know, cheated on, 123 00:11:23,060 --> 00:11:28,120 with my, I cheated on my high school boyfriend with this guy because he, I didn't know how to 124 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:32,420 break up with guys. So, I'm like, let me do something horrible and have this person hate me 125 00:11:32,420 --> 00:11:38,060 so I can hate myself as well and then move on. And, you know, I held him hostage for about four, 126 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:44,400 six years. And, you know, I had, I mean, alcohol poisoning a couple of times. They didn't think it 127 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:49,380 was a big deal. They didn't really understand what that was, right? And, you know, once I was 128 00:11:49,380 --> 00:11:52,880 in Santa Barbara, like after being there for, I think, five years, I was like, 129 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:57,200 I need to go back to LA. You know, I didn't get a chance to go to these clubs with my high school 130 00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:01,700 best friends. Like, I need to go back up because Santa Barbara is not the same as LA, right? It's 131 00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:07,480 very different, the culture and just the lifestyle. And, you know, I, I moved back, you know, and my 132 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:13,260 whole thing was I'm going back to take care of my family, right? That big shot ism that I have. And 133 00:12:13,260 --> 00:12:17,200 I'm going to go get a job and take care of them. And sure thing, that's exactly what happened. I 134 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:21,600 came back and I literally got a job the same day that I went to look for one. And I'm already 135 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:28,760 thinking this is great. So I take myself with me right back home, you know, and I didn't want 136 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:34,200 everyone to know that I had made it to UCSB, but then got rejected because I had failed a class, 137 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:39,400 right? Also like hiding. I don't, I can't let anyone know that. So I'm going back to save my 138 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:44,400 family, be the rescuer, right? And so I'm doing that. I'm working full time. My younger brother 139 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:51,040 has a band, right? My younger brother now is 19 and I'm 24. And he's with all his group of guy 140 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,860 friends. And I'm like, okay, rock and roll. And I'm like, okay, let's do this. And I'm like, okay, 141 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:57,620 I can do this, you know? So I become the band manager and then I'm setting up shows for them 142 00:12:57,620 --> 00:13:02,400 everywhere in the Valley. And it's great because when you're the band manager, you get a lot of 143 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:07,980 perks, you know, I'm setting up these shows and we get free drinks and now I'm teaching them how 144 00:13:07,980 --> 00:13:12,600 to drink, like how we do it in Santa Barbara. We have parties in my house, you know, the way we 145 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:16,980 did in Santa Barbara. And, you know, my parents let me, you know, I, you know, all the things 146 00:13:16,980 --> 00:13:22,540 that I said I wouldn't do happened. I would never drink with my dad ever. I drank with my dad. I 147 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:28,400 ever, ever smoked pop with my dad. He's in the circle, puff, puff pass, right? And I'm doing this 148 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:33,100 and feeling so uncomfortable. Like I can't believe I'm doing this, but you know what? I'm so high. 149 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:38,880 I'm so drunk right now that it doesn't matter. And I just want to check my time. Okay, my 20 150 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:43,900 minutes, I got about 10 minutes, go for 10 minutes. And, you know, so I'm drinking, having a good time 151 00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:49,040 with my younger brother. And then, you know, the problems have, were always present. I mean, 152 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:52,460 with my college boyfriend, I mean, I was a horrible girlfriend. You know, I cheated, 153 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:58,720 I lied. I just, I did it all. I did it all. And I didn't care about people's feelings. I, 154 00:13:59,140 --> 00:14:03,220 you know, it's just, I'm a free spirited person. And if you have a problem with that, don't be 155 00:14:03,220 --> 00:14:08,200 near me. That was my attitude. And, you know, my dad has always said, you know, you're the daughter 156 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:12,600 of the tiger, you know, of a tiger, you can do whatever you want. And that's how I felt. I did 157 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:18,120 whatever I wanted. And, you know, it's, but the problems started coming, you know, and I'm here 158 00:14:18,260 --> 00:14:22,860 working full time, being the band manager. Then I fall in love with my brother's best friend, 159 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:28,120 who's the drummer. And we started going out. And my brother hates me, right? Because he's like, 160 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:33,700 you're gonna, you're gonna break his heart. I know who you are, how you are. And I was so mad. Like, 161 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:38,640 I would never do that. Like, I love him, right? I love him. I would never do that. And I wasn't 162 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:45,540 faithful. I did things, I hurt him, but he stuck with me, right? And I remember, you know, working 163 00:14:45,540 --> 00:14:50,880 full time out, out in Melrose. And I had an, I always had a high title position. Like I was an 164 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:52,860 op, I was an operations manager at that time. And I was, I was an operations manager at that time. 165 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:58,700 For a clothing store in Melrose. And I remember my husband, the boyfriend, the drummer, he's my 166 00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:05,520 husband now, driving me to Melrose to get to, to work on time. And I don't know about you guys, 167 00:15:05,580 --> 00:15:10,660 but I'm a type of person that I have Sunday blues, Mondays, I'm not going into work, like I'm hung 168 00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:15,620 over. So I remember calling my boss and my boss telling me, you know what, Kathy, you can't do 169 00:15:15,620 --> 00:15:19,520 this. Like you're the operations manager. Like you're, you have to set an example for the rest 170 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:22,860 of the crew. Like you can't do this. He's like, the only way that I'm accepting this is because I'm 171 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:27,620 an accepted to come back into work is if you have a doctor's note. So Oscar's driving. And like, 172 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:32,040 he's holding my hair because I'm throwing up. And I've had alcohol poisoning many times where I 173 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:36,160 didn't go to the hospital. And I could have died. You know, I didn't know that until now. And I was 174 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:40,560 like, Okay, oh my gosh, we're taking to the hospital and go to the ER. And then when I went 175 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:44,240 there, you know, the nurse told me, you know, she asked how much I drank. And I told her, Oh, 176 00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:50,140 I didn't drink that much. I'm like, I had what 11 beers and six shots. Like I was that's, that's 177 00:15:50,140 --> 00:15:52,400 fine. Right? And she's like, you know, 178 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:56,480 are your you know, is anyone in your family alcoholic? And you know, I started bawling. I'm 179 00:15:56,480 --> 00:16:00,740 like my dad and my older brother. And you know, I didn't say anything about me. But I just felt like 180 00:16:00,740 --> 00:16:05,900 this is why I am the way that I am. Yeah. So you know, God kept giving me little clues, like little 181 00:16:05,900 --> 00:16:10,940 clues here and there. And then finally, you know, people stopped hanging out with me. You know, 182 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:15,120 the shows weren't as fun enough. I was trying to look for you know, the next party and I still 183 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:20,060 wasn't getting that high. I just I couldn't like, I didn't know what was going on. Like I knew I 184 00:16:20,060 --> 00:16:22,860 wanted more in life. And I wanted to be successful. And I wanted to be successful. And I wanted to be 185 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:28,680 successful. But I couldn't get myself to do it. Finally, I moved out, got a place with my 186 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:33,580 boyfriend at that time. And I wanted to change my life. You know, I wanted the purity I had when I 187 00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:38,360 was a kid, you know, I wanted to invite the parents over the house and let me treat them to lunch. So 188 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:44,040 I had these plans with my parents to have them come over and I was looking for spiritual practice 189 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:50,580 as well. So the next day I had also I had to attend some it was a Buddhist meeting and I was 190 00:16:50,580 --> 00:16:52,860 going to have lunch at my house for my parents to come over. 191 00:16:52,880 --> 00:17:00,340 And that night was the night that I went out with my cousin, my, my girl cousin, my boyfriend and my 192 00:17:00,340 --> 00:17:03,960 brother. And that was the first time I said I wasn't going to drink. Like I have done that 193 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:08,580 couple times I you know, I never watch what I drink. I was gonna drink whatever I want whenever 194 00:17:08,580 --> 00:17:13,360 I wanted. I drink to lose control. So I wasn't trying to control my drinking. That's that was 195 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:19,200 insane. Like no, this is why I drink but that last it was a one or two times before that. But this 196 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,700 was like really clear. I said I wasn't going to drink. I show up. 197 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:26,560 They asked if I want a shot. I say no, because I'm not going to drink. Then they asked me again, 198 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:30,080 they asked me the third time I said, Okay, fine, just one shot. What's going to happen? Everything's 199 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,780 fine. I took the shot. All of a sudden, I'm taking the second shot. And then I'm taking the third 200 00:17:33,780 --> 00:17:39,100 shot. We end up in the car. My cousin looks at me, I look at her and her face just changes because 201 00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:43,920 she noticed that my face has totally rearranged itself, right? Like, we know it's going to be one 202 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:49,420 of those nights. And the next morning, I wake up, you know, and this random guy had come over, 203 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,600 I had let him come over to hang out with my cousin because he had a gallon of 204 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:56,600 a handle vodka. And of course, you know, he's a stranger. But if you have liquor, 205 00:17:56,620 --> 00:18:00,440 you're more than welcome to come over my house, like, of course. So this guy leaves, 206 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:05,440 I wake up in the morning, I didn't make it to my Buddhist meeting, I had to call and counsel on my 207 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:11,380 parents. And having that remorse, like, dude, I did it again. Like, I keep canceling and keep 208 00:18:11,380 --> 00:18:17,340 having these goals, these, these things I want to do. And I just don't know how to, I don't know 209 00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:22,440 how to, you know, live my life. Like, I don't know how to do this. And, you know, there, there were 210 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:27,740 little, you know, signs, like, a few cousins being like, Oh, you're like a father, you know, 211 00:18:27,820 --> 00:18:32,020 or, you know, you drink a lot. I'm like, you know what, I know I'm an alcoholic. Like, that was 212 00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:36,560 something that I had admitted a long time ago. And I was okay with I love to drink. And I could 213 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:41,100 not see myself not drinking. But this remorseful feeling that I had was just like, the way that I 214 00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:45,820 was treating myself, and I got violent, a couple of I'm a violent person. Like when I drink, 215 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:49,020 that's what really scared me. Because I'm like, what am I going to do? Like, I was scared that 216 00:18:49,020 --> 00:18:52,420 I was going to hurt myself or hurt someone else. And that day, I looked at myself, and I was like, 217 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:57,640 online, like how to get sober. And I said to write down your date, right. And I didn't know 218 00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:01,900 much about Alcoholics Anonymous. Like I knew about AA, like in TV, but I was just like, I didn't 219 00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:05,700 think that I needed that for some reason. But I did look up, you know, how to get sober. So it 220 00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:11,000 told me to write my name, I wrote down, I mean, the day I wrote down my date. And then I, for some 221 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:17,020 reason, the obsession to drink was lifted for me. Like it was that that day was lifted that first 222 00:19:17,020 --> 00:19:22,420 year, you know, I became a Buddhist. So I practiced that for a whole year. And I didn't go to AA 223 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:28,720 the second year, I went to another 12 step program in for outside issues. And it was great, 224 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:35,280 I thought because this place also had the AA book, Alcoholics Anonymous book, the big book. So I 225 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:40,260 thought to myself, I get to do two in one, like, I love that. Right. So I'm doing this thing. And 226 00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:45,320 I'm trying to fix myself two and a half years of going to every single 12 step program you can 227 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:51,120 think of. I mean, I even wanted to come up with the 12 step program. It was so bad. You know, 228 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:55,340 and, you know, because I'm a winner, right? I'm a winner. And I'm gonna fix this. And I'm gonna get 229 00:19:55,340 --> 00:20:01,920 it done. And no, there's no way I'm gonna go to an AA meeting because alcoholics are crazy. How do 230 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:06,220 I know that? Because I'm an alcoholic. You know, my dad was an alcoholic. If I go in there, I'm 231 00:20:06,220 --> 00:20:11,460 gonna fight and I don't want to fight, right? My dad was at that point dying from alcoholism. And 232 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:18,760 when he was in that, you know, process of dying, I joined Al-Anon. And my sponsor was a double winner. 233 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,020 And she asked me, Kathy, have you identified as an 234 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:25,720 alcoholic? Why don't you go to AA? And I didn't have a response for her. And she told me, you know 235 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:30,460 what, I think it's because of your dad. And I started crying. And I was like, you're right. So 236 00:20:30,460 --> 00:20:36,400 she told me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I did that. And that was in. So I got sober 2015. I kept 237 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:41,220 my time. So when this happened, this was about 2017. So I was about two and a half years sober. 238 00:20:41,500 --> 00:20:45,340 And I didn't know what was going on. What was going on is I had untreated alcoholism. I stopped 239 00:20:45,340 --> 00:20:50,440 drinking. Like for me, that was the easy part. But the living was, it was horrible. Like I was alone. 240 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:55,960 I was alone. It was easy to stay sober, living in my own place with my boyfriend and, you know, 241 00:20:56,020 --> 00:21:00,900 doing my thing. But once I started getting out in the world, things just weren't lining up. Like I 242 00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:05,860 just wasn't feeling it was I was, yeah, I was really irritable, discontent, everything you can 243 00:21:05,860 --> 00:21:12,380 think of. And I started going to these AA meetings. And I went to the Friday night Magnolia Park Steps 244 00:21:12,380 --> 00:21:16,860 and Traditions meeting out here in Burbank Friday nights at seven o'clock. And that is where I met 245 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:20,040 my sponsor at that time, Joby W. 246 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:24,920 And at that time, I did have another sponsor. But you know me, I just, if I see something better, 247 00:21:24,940 --> 00:21:30,580 I'm going to go with that. And you know, who do I think I am, right to think that. And so anyway, 248 00:21:30,580 --> 00:21:36,200 so I let go of the sponsor that I had, I went with, you know, Joby, and I just took off from 249 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:42,720 there. I had committed meetings, my home group was Pacific Group. And then I, my life started 250 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:47,400 changing, my life started changing. You know, I did my steps, I was ready, I was ready to do my 251 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,420 fourth step, because they imagine two and a half years of all the remorse, and I was like, I'm going 252 00:21:50,420 --> 00:21:50,820 to do this. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And I was like, 253 00:21:50,820 --> 00:21:50,980 I'm going to do this. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And 254 00:21:50,980 --> 00:21:56,560 all the crap I had done was literally going through my head. And I needed to put it down. Like, I 255 00:21:56,560 --> 00:22:01,240 don't want to, I don't want to deal with this. I always forget this part of my story that when I 256 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:05,720 had stopped drinking, when I had made that decision to stop, I believe that I had PTSD, 257 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:11,200 because I and I feel like I had a nervous breakdown, because I kept thinking of I kept 258 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:15,780 having flashbacks about my childhood. So I think a lot of my trauma came back. And at the same time, 259 00:22:15,780 --> 00:22:20,640 my alcoholism kicked in hard. And, you know, and my dad was dying. So I was just like, what is 260 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:26,840 going on? And when I had joined AA, my dad had already passed. He passed away in 2017. And, 261 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:32,260 you know, I took off, I took off, then God, God had a plan for me. And 10 years, what, 262 00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:36,380 nine years later, here I am, you know, nine years of being an Alcoholics Anonymous has 263 00:22:36,380 --> 00:22:41,220 totally saved my life. You know, it's not the act of stopping, you know, stop drinking and stop 264 00:22:41,220 --> 00:22:45,740 smoking pot. You know, I bring a pot because at times, I didn't think I had a problem, because I 265 00:22:45,780 --> 00:22:50,120 just drink over the weekends, right, a binge drinker, but I was high every single day, I could 266 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:55,460 not be in my own skin, like a normal person, I couldn't. So that's why I bring it up. Because I 267 00:22:55,460 --> 00:23:01,240 know that if I didn't have pot, maybe I would have been an everyday drinker, right. And I owe my life 268 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:06,180 to Alcoholics Anonymous, it has opened a lot of doors for me, you know, I, you know, I got 269 00:23:06,180 --> 00:23:10,160 commitments. And that is what really got me in the middle is having these service commitments, 270 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:15,760 because since I was so shy, really, what it was self centered, and fear, right, that I had, 271 00:23:15,780 --> 00:23:20,280 in me was that it allowed me to get to know people, but it allowed me to let others get to 272 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:26,360 know me. And, and everyone was so loving and kind. And, and it was great, you know, and I just started 273 00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:31,340 just, you know, just like, in a way, like in a succeeding and Alcoholics Anonymous, right. And 274 00:23:31,340 --> 00:23:35,640 not everything was perfect. But you know, I was able to be like, now, like, I'm a better daughter, 275 00:23:35,660 --> 00:23:40,240 I'm a better sister, you know, I'm a better wife, you know, with that guy that stood by me, 276 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:45,720 we got married last January. So yesterday, we celebrated six months, we've been together, 277 00:23:45,780 --> 00:23:51,280 for 15 years. I mean, he was 19. And I was 24 years old, right. So it's been a very long time 278 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:57,120 that this guy stuck with me. And we were engaged for seven years. And surprise, surprise, my 279 00:23:57,120 --> 00:24:03,520 boyfriend, husband now, he's an alcoholic, right? I thought he was he needed Al-Anon because of me 280 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:08,080 and because of his family stuff. And I'm here trying to fix him. And sure enough, you know, 281 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:12,900 we go to group, I mean, to couples therapy, and we find out he's an alcoholic. So he gets 282 00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:15,760 sentenced to Alcoholics Anonymous. So I show him the room, and he's like, I'm going to go to the 283 00:24:15,780 --> 00:24:20,620 robes. And then, you know, we waited about five years, he is actually going to come, he's gonna 284 00:24:20,620 --> 00:24:25,740 be five years in September, he's gonna celebrate five years of sobriety. And I got it, I got a 285 00:24:25,740 --> 00:24:29,520 sober home. Like, that's what I wanted the whole time I was, it was hard for me, because my life 286 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:35,080 was changing. And even though he was such a great guy, I was just, I didn't know, you know, I didn't 287 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:40,480 know what that was gonna look like. And even though for me, he only got drunk, like five times out of 288 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:44,960 the year, he would get drunk the way I got drunk. So a lot of it was I felt like payback. And I was 289 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:45,700 like, man, like, 290 00:24:45,780 --> 00:24:49,540 this is how it was like, I don't know how he did it. I know that I'm not going to do it. So I got 291 00:24:49,540 --> 00:24:55,780 a lot of guidance and to just look at my own plate, focus on my recovery, and then God intervened, 292 00:24:55,780 --> 00:25:01,080 right. And now we have this sober home, you know, we're married. And any way that we can be of 293 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:07,160 service, we are, you know, and, and I get to share this with him, right. And it's amazing. And, you 294 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:12,640 know, AA has, like I said, opened a lot of doors for me where, you know, I don't have that obsession 295 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,760 to drink. Like, I know I'm an alcoholic, I know that if I were to pick up a drink, I would drink 296 00:25:15,780 --> 00:25:20,780 up, I would take off exactly from where I ended. There's, there's no doubt in my mind, like the 297 00:25:20,780 --> 00:25:25,560 first step I had taken it a long time ago. But there's things where like, with my higher power 298 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:31,420 that keeps evolving, right. And I treat my morning routine, like a very sacred thing that I have to 299 00:25:31,420 --> 00:25:37,120 do every morning. And I see how, you know, it changes my life. If I spend time with God, and I 300 00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:42,420 spend time, you know, in this quiet time to just reflect, it helps me be a better person, right? 301 00:25:42,420 --> 00:25:45,040 It helps me be a better member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 302 00:25:45,780 --> 00:25:50,700 And, you know, I'm glad like, I don't regret my journey. You know, like I said, the second year 303 00:25:50,700 --> 00:25:55,640 of my sobriety, I was in another 12 step program, but they were strict. Like you have to read the 304 00:25:55,640 --> 00:26:00,800 AA book, like I had to read two pages every single night before I went to bed, I had to do 30 minutes 305 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:06,920 of meditation before I called my sponsor. So this was my second year of sobriety, right. And, and if 306 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:12,280 I didn't do those things, my sponsor would fire me, like it was really strict. And so for me, 307 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:15,760 that is why I kept my time because I did, you know, I had my sponsor, 308 00:26:15,780 --> 00:26:19,140 that took me on told me, you know, you really need to think about if you want to keep your time 309 00:26:19,140 --> 00:26:24,260 or not. And I'm like, you know, and it's between you and God, and God knew how much I wanted this 310 00:26:24,260 --> 00:26:30,560 God knew that I worked my butt off to get this right. And, you know, it's, you know, he's the 311 00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:35,180 only one that I need to, you know, prove it to pretty much. And God has has been with me this 312 00:26:35,180 --> 00:26:39,560 whole time. So that was a little girl, like my whole journey, he was with me. And it took me way, 313 00:26:39,700 --> 00:26:43,720 you know, different paths to find him. No, I'm not I don't want to go to church. I'm going to be a 314 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:47,740 Buddhist. No, I'm not going to get on my knees, I'm gonna, you know, cross my legs and meditate. 315 00:26:47,860 --> 00:26:52,260 And God, it has a great sense of humor. My God has a great sense of humor, like you are so stubborn, 316 00:26:52,260 --> 00:26:58,140 but you're gonna find a way to get to me. And I did. And now my higher power is the same higher 317 00:26:58,140 --> 00:27:03,100 power I had when I was a little girl. You know, it's, it's more of a spiritual connection that I 318 00:27:03,100 --> 00:27:08,180 have. And, and I'm so open of what that's going to look like in the future, whether I continue 319 00:27:08,180 --> 00:27:13,460 Catholicism, like, you know, as we have in our family, I don't know, I don't know. But I'm open 320 00:27:13,460 --> 00:27:18,620 to it. Right. And yeah, and it's just like, every day, you know, God keeps showing me that he's 321 00:27:18,620 --> 00:27:23,300 there, I just need to get out of the way. It's what I've been noticing now. And you know, now, 322 00:27:23,420 --> 00:27:28,080 like 11 years later, there's a lot of things that have come up, you know, like it says in the big 323 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:34,680 book, Alcoholics Anonymous is there to treat our alcoholism. But sometimes we need to look for 324 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:40,060 outside help. And I still disagree. I'm so stubborn. I'm still like, nope, it will fix 325 00:27:40,060 --> 00:27:43,220 everything. Like, I don't care what you do. Good for you. 326 00:27:43,460 --> 00:27:50,540 Super hypocritical, super critical, judgmental. And, you know, I hit my knees again in sobriety 327 00:27:50,540 --> 00:27:56,160 about 10 years, I think seven, eight and nine. No, yeah, nine. Yeah, nine, 10. Yeah, eight, 328 00:27:56,220 --> 00:28:01,320 nine and 10 was hard for me. And I realized that a lot of the stuff I experienced as a child 329 00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:06,120 came back again. And realizing that I grew up in an alcoholic home, and then my father was an 330 00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:11,620 alcoholic brought an other set of problems. So I just joined the sister program about two months 331 00:28:11,620 --> 00:28:13,440 ago. And for that, I'm eternally grateful to God. And I'm so grateful to God. And I'm so grateful to 332 00:28:13,460 --> 00:28:19,780 I mean, I went there before I even started AA, right? I just didn't want to see it. And I'm 333 00:28:19,780 --> 00:28:26,600 getting outside help for health or trauma, which, you know, was really hard for me to kind of accept 334 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:31,140 and also be able to share my story, because it's the first time I share that. And I'm in a different 335 00:28:31,140 --> 00:28:37,200 place in my recovery right now. And I'm taking it all in. And you know, and it's for me, I wouldn't 336 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:42,660 have these things, these doors wouldn't be opening, if I was not an Alcoholics Anonymous. So 337 00:28:43,460 --> 00:28:49,180 do I owe my life to Alcoholics Anonymous? You know, you bet your ass I do like, hell yeah, I do. Like 338 00:28:49,180 --> 00:28:55,760 it has saved me every single day of my life, right? And and it's allowing me to be able to help other 339 00:28:55,760 --> 00:29:01,680 people. That is what keeps me going, right? And I'll wrap up have one minute that this is the best 340 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:06,460 deal in town. Like if I help somebody else, my life gets better. You know, the problem was that 341 00:29:06,460 --> 00:29:11,500 I was helping too much. And I wasn't taking care of myself. And I was really hard for me to identify. 342 00:29:11,500 --> 00:29:13,440 But anyways, but there's still there's 343 00:29:13,460 --> 00:29:18,520 a balance. And I know that if I don't pass this on to someone else, then I can't keep my sobriety. 344 00:29:18,700 --> 00:29:22,520 So everything that I'm learning everything that you've taught me and how to present myself as a 345 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:26,360 woman, how to present myself as a woman and Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm able to share that 346 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:31,620 with other people with women with men, you know, and with my family, like if I can just tell you, 347 00:29:31,700 --> 00:29:36,140 like what really urged me to do all of this, which one should be for me for my own life, 348 00:29:36,140 --> 00:29:43,120 but it's for my family, you know, alcoholism is strong in my family right now. And it's we present 349 00:29:43,460 --> 00:29:51,100 so well that you can't tell. But behind the scenes in our homes, it's pretty bad. So I am grateful 350 00:29:51,100 --> 00:29:57,500 that I don't have to live that life that Alcoholics Anonymous has given me a new life and that I'm here 351 00:29:57,500 --> 00:30:00,560 on a Saturday night speaking for you. So thank you so much.