1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:10,040 Hello, my name is Cynthia and I'm an alcoholic and thank you for asking me to be here and 2 00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:12,040 participate in my recovery. 3 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:17,660 It's always an honor and a pleasure because that's something that was instilled in me 4 00:00:17,660 --> 00:00:22,220 early in my recovery that I show up if I'm available and that's been my experience and 5 00:00:22,220 --> 00:00:27,100 that's probably the one thing that I have done right about my whole recovery, honestly. 6 00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:37,340 If I'm available, I'm here and it's always in perfect timing as well, usually. 7 00:00:37,340 --> 00:00:44,480 So just to talk about the day I'm in, for the most part, I had an amazing day, you know, 8 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:49,640 because AA has given me an amazing life and I get to be off on the weekends and today 9 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:56,960 I just had the day to chill, but it was such a heavy week because it was like the first 10 00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:02,640 anniversary of my best friend passing away on Thursday and so like, I know, we were kind 11 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:07,080 of talking about it, me and Nancy, like we know like sometimes these engagements come 12 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:12,440 up because like for me, my understanding is God's doing for me what I cannot do for myself 13 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:16,420 and so God has made sure that I'm in a meeting every week being of service. 14 00:01:16,420 --> 00:01:21,960 Yes, I have my commitments, right, but you know, to go out and to share my experience, 15 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:26,940 strength, and hope, it's God's way of making me not hide myself because me as an alcoholic 16 00:01:26,940 --> 00:01:33,340 I want to hide when I don't feel good and yeah, so just to share that, but yeah, just 17 00:01:33,340 --> 00:01:39,160 a little bit, you know, just what it was like, right, like I succumbed to this disease really, 18 00:01:39,340 --> 00:01:39,840 really young. 19 00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:44,880 I grew up, you know, my mom was 17 years old when she had me and she was doing the best 20 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:51,180 she could, right, and you know, I can remember going to kickbacks and doing the little thing 21 00:01:51,180 --> 00:01:56,300 until she found the one and the one just so happened not to like me because I wasn't his 22 00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:56,920 daughter, right? 23 00:01:56,940 --> 00:02:03,140 And so he's still in the picture, right, we've made our amends but it created a lot of chaos 24 00:02:03,140 --> 00:02:08,460 so I grew up in a lot of chaos and instability, there was a lot of fighting, there was, you 25 00:02:08,460 --> 00:02:13,420 know, a lot of like just leave him alone, don't say anything and to put into perspective 26 00:02:13,420 --> 00:02:17,980 the kind of kid I was, I would be like, why am I doing your laundry if you don't have 27 00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:19,380 a job and you're home all day? 28 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:23,460 See, these are the types of things that would make this man upset and then, you know, later 29 00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:26,420 on as I grew up, I realized he also had a problem too. 30 00:02:26,940 --> 00:02:32,080 Some type of stimulant, you know, but that ended at some point but, you know, so it was 31 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:36,840 me and my mom and then it was me and my mom and someone else and when someone else came 32 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:40,860 into the picture, I started to feel pushed off to the side because when I'm young, I 33 00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:46,280 don't understand, you know, necessarily what like being unloved is but I definitely felt 34 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,420 unwanted and uncared for, right? 35 00:02:48,420 --> 00:02:53,920 And so, you know, I get my siblings and, you know, like everything's, you know, the relationship 36 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,920 is still a little bit rocky and we move into an area. 37 00:02:56,940 --> 00:02:58,180 That's not so good. 38 00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:02,320 By not so good, you have the ghetto bird, you know, flying through the apartment buildings 39 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:06,980 every night and for those of you who do not know what the ghetto bird is, it's the police 40 00:03:06,980 --> 00:03:08,120 helicopter, right? 41 00:03:08,180 --> 00:03:12,520 And they flash your lights through the windows and, you know, because they're chasing whoever 42 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:13,380 they're chasing, right? 43 00:03:13,460 --> 00:03:19,860 So, yeah, the area I lived in was highly gang impacted, highly drug impacted and, you know, 44 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:22,340 again, my mom was doing the best she could, right? 45 00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:24,800 Because, again, she was the stable one. 46 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,900 She was not the one losing her job. 47 00:03:26,980 --> 00:03:27,380 Frequently. 48 00:03:27,620 --> 00:03:29,200 And she had kids to tend to. 49 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:36,120 And then at some point, you know, like the age of 11 or 12, my mom's best advice was, 50 00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,900 hey, just don't talk to him, right? 51 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,180 And so, so that's the messaging that I grew up with, right? 52 00:03:41,380 --> 00:03:43,720 We were living in a one-bedroom apartment. 53 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:48,400 So, it was me, my mom, my stepdad, and I think at the time it was like two younger siblings, 54 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:49,040 right? 55 00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:53,760 So, to not talk to someone in a one-bedroom apartment, that's pretty isolating, you know? 56 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,100 And so, I hung out a lot with the kids in my buildings. 57 00:03:56,100 --> 00:03:59,780 And, you know, I would get everything done and then I would just hang out. 58 00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:02,880 And eventually, I mean, like I said, the neighborhood was not so good. 59 00:04:02,940 --> 00:04:05,140 So, I got exposed to lots of different things. 60 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:10,200 And so, by the time I was 12, I started to rebel, which I think you're like in barely 61 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:11,240 starting middle school. 62 00:04:11,380 --> 00:04:14,260 So, yeah, like I had, you know, tried alcohol. 63 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,380 I had tried other things, right? 64 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:17,720 And so, I'm like dabbling. 65 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,320 I'm dabbling in these things. 66 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:24,320 And illicit substances are readily accessible because we have someone in the building that 67 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:25,520 that's their get down. 68 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:25,580 Right? 69 00:04:25,580 --> 00:04:25,640 Right. 70 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:25,660 Right. 71 00:04:25,660 --> 00:04:25,680 Right. 72 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:25,700 Right. 73 00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:25,740 Right. 74 00:04:25,740 --> 00:04:25,800 Right. 75 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:25,820 Right. 76 00:04:25,820 --> 00:04:25,840 Right. 77 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:25,860 Right. 78 00:04:25,860 --> 00:04:26,480 That's what they sell. 79 00:04:26,660 --> 00:04:26,860 Right? 80 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:30,400 And so, at some point, you know, I'm no longer listening. 81 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:31,500 I'm just disappearing. 82 00:04:31,820 --> 00:04:33,960 And, you know, I'm kind of running amok. 83 00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:34,260 Right? 84 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:37,600 And then I end up like, I don't know, I end up with a probation officer somehow. 85 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:38,720 I can't recall how. 86 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:39,760 I don't know what I did. 87 00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:40,220 Right? 88 00:04:40,340 --> 00:04:43,200 But this probation officer thought I had a problem. 89 00:04:43,340 --> 00:04:46,600 Thought I had a problem and he sent me to a treatment center. 90 00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:47,100 Right? 91 00:04:47,180 --> 00:04:51,340 So, that was my first exposure to Alcoholics Anonymous at the age of 14. 92 00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:55,440 So, at this point, I'm in the 8th grade and it's probably like towards the end of my life. 93 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:56,780 Towards the end of the 8th grade. 94 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,380 And I'm like, what is this? 95 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:02,860 Like, you know, I'm literally in a treatment center in like some, it's probably like Santa 96 00:05:02,860 --> 00:05:03,920 Paula or Philmar. 97 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,160 There's strawberry fields. 98 00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:07,180 That I do remember. 99 00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:09,180 So, it was really hard to run away from. 100 00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:13,560 But I'm a very resourceful alcoholic and I managed to pull it off. 101 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:14,760 So, I pulled it off. 102 00:05:14,820 --> 00:05:15,260 I hid it. 103 00:05:15,340 --> 00:05:16,980 You know, I left that treatment center. 104 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:17,700 But I did. 105 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:18,660 It registered. 106 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:18,940 Right? 107 00:05:18,980 --> 00:05:20,040 The seed was planted. 108 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,340 That there is help if I want it. 109 00:05:22,820 --> 00:05:23,020 Right? 110 00:05:23,020 --> 00:05:25,420 That there are people that are not doing. 111 00:05:25,420 --> 00:05:26,460 A bunch of things. 112 00:05:26,620 --> 00:05:30,240 But at the time, I had no idea that this disease had a hold of me. 113 00:05:30,740 --> 00:05:30,960 Right? 114 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,680 So, I managed to AWOL from this place. 115 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:38,140 You know, and it was, you know, before I finished the 8th grade, which I probably wasn't going 116 00:05:38,140 --> 00:05:40,100 to technically culminate or whatever. 117 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:41,740 But I just stopped going. 118 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:43,300 I disappeared for a few months. 119 00:05:43,540 --> 00:05:46,140 And so, that's the nature of my disease. 120 00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:47,920 I'm running and gunning. 121 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:48,320 Right? 122 00:05:48,420 --> 00:05:50,580 And at some point, it does get bad. 123 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,480 I have different moments where it gets really, really bad. 124 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:54,900 I know when I was 15. 125 00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:56,760 I had such a horrible experience. 126 00:05:57,080 --> 00:06:00,360 Along the lines of being kept under, you know, what is it? 127 00:06:00,420 --> 00:06:02,300 Kept against my will. 128 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:02,640 Sorry. 129 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:06,740 Being kept against my will in some very sketchy situation. 130 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,020 And, but for the grace of God, I was able to get away. 131 00:06:10,460 --> 00:06:12,480 Like, for the most part, unscathed. 132 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:12,740 Right? 133 00:06:12,860 --> 00:06:15,800 And so, what do I do as an alcoholic? 134 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:19,680 I just go further and further into oblivion. 135 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:20,000 Right? 136 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:24,880 I remember, like, having little moments where I came to and I was with one of my friends. 137 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,440 And I was just, like, just dazed and confused. 138 00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:27,880 Right? 139 00:06:27,940 --> 00:06:29,100 So, that's how I operate. 140 00:06:29,220 --> 00:06:29,340 Right? 141 00:06:29,380 --> 00:06:32,040 Like, I already learned early on that this was my solution. 142 00:06:32,140 --> 00:06:35,520 But I can't say that by 15, I understood I had a problem. 143 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:39,680 I, now looking back, I know the disease had me by the time I was 14. 144 00:06:39,860 --> 00:06:43,840 But at 15, still, like a true alcoholic, I couldn't comprehend. 145 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:48,580 Because any normal person, if you're in a situation that's threatening your life, whether 146 00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:53,660 you're, you know, a teenager or an adult, like, you'd be like, oh, maybe I'd stop. 147 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:54,780 Maybe I should stop. 148 00:06:54,780 --> 00:06:56,040 Maybe this is dangerous. 149 00:06:56,380 --> 00:06:56,540 Right? 150 00:06:56,640 --> 00:07:01,960 But, no, that did not register for me to register to go harder, faster, stronger, whatever. 151 00:07:02,260 --> 00:07:05,380 And so, you know, I was starting to get really tired. 152 00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:07,020 And I also had a best friend. 153 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:07,380 Right? 154 00:07:07,780 --> 00:07:08,760 I had this best friend. 155 00:07:08,860 --> 00:07:11,180 We met in an 8th grade honor science class. 156 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:15,800 And she succumbed to, you know, I succumbed to the disease faster. 157 00:07:15,980 --> 00:07:18,720 So, there was a point in time where she was like, you need to stop. 158 00:07:18,860 --> 00:07:20,380 Like, this is not for you. 159 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,160 You can have a future ahead of you. 160 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:23,760 And, like, me being an alcoholic. 161 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:24,240 Right? 162 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:24,320 Right? 163 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:24,380 Right? 164 00:07:24,380 --> 00:07:24,400 Right? 165 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:24,420 Right? 166 00:07:24,420 --> 00:07:24,480 Right? 167 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:24,540 Right? 168 00:07:24,540 --> 00:07:24,560 Right? 169 00:07:24,780 --> 00:07:25,220 Right? 170 00:07:25,220 --> 00:07:25,240 Right? 171 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:25,260 Right? 172 00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:25,280 Right? 173 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:25,360 Right? 174 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:25,520 Right? 175 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:25,680 Right? 176 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:25,720 Right? 177 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:25,840 Right? 178 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:25,900 Right? 179 00:07:25,900 --> 00:07:25,940 Right? 180 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:26,080 Right? 181 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:29,340 Like, they don't, they mean something, but I can't do anything about it. 182 00:07:29,500 --> 00:07:29,760 Right? 183 00:07:30,060 --> 00:07:32,060 It's like, I mean well, but I can't do well. 184 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:32,300 Right? 185 00:07:32,380 --> 00:07:33,460 Just like with my family. 186 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,560 You know, they were, they were devastated. 187 00:07:35,740 --> 00:07:37,240 They for sure thought I was going to die. 188 00:07:37,340 --> 00:07:39,000 They lived as if I was going to die. 189 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:44,500 And so, my alcoholic thinking, to the best of my ability, I would try to stay away. 190 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:48,800 Because in my mind, I was like, if I'm going to die, I don't want to be around them. 191 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:54,380 and this is this is the kid of this is a warped mind of a teenager right our big book tells us 192 00:07:54,380 --> 00:07:59,040 that women succumb to this disease faster and then you add the component of a teenager 193 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:06,060 it can get really bad really fast um but yeah so like at some point I just started to 194 00:08:06,060 --> 00:08:12,240 accept my fate I was like oh okay this is how I'm going to die and I was okay with it I really was 195 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:18,500 I was like okay so I'm going to die in this way and there's no there's no um it was my means to 196 00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:24,380 an end and so you know obviously all the horrible experiences that came time and time again you 197 00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:30,180 know it was okay because that's actually what served me it helped me brush it off because I 198 00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:35,580 knew that there was an end right I knew there was going to be an end and in a way it was like my 199 00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:40,560 protective mechanism right I didn't have time to be afraid because that would put me in more harm 200 00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:48,020 I didn't have time to you know dwell on on any pain because that would just not serve me right I 201 00:08:48,020 --> 00:08:48,400 was 202 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:54,440 I was being controlled by this disease right because it is it is a disease right I was I was 203 00:08:54,440 --> 00:09:01,260 the cheat I was the mouse chasing the cheese on that little wheel that's what I was and I was I 204 00:09:01,260 --> 00:09:08,280 was starting to get really really tired um and so I would have these little moments of like I want 205 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:14,660 to get help I want to stop because that seed was planted at 14 right and I remember you know I would 206 00:09:14,660 --> 00:09:20,200 try to stop and I would come either to my mom's house or I would come to my grandma's house and 207 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:25,700 be like I need to stop like I want to stop I like I mean well I mean well and I mean well and I'm 208 00:09:25,700 --> 00:09:31,700 like let me get rid of all my needles let me get rid of all these things right and I so badly I 209 00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:37,920 want to stop and then I get there and I you know I kind of dry out I'm really sick and like the 210 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:43,300 first two days are the worst and by the by the third day I'm a little bit better and that that 211 00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:44,640 disease mind comes into play and I'm like I need to stop I need to stop I need to stop I need to 212 00:09:44,660 --> 00:09:50,600 play the obsession starts to keep kick up again it says no but you don't really want this you know 213 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:57,200 and so that's that's the cycle that I was in I'm really grateful that my mom would always sign me 214 00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:02,640 up into school every time I wanted to stop I'd be like mom sign me into school so I enrolled in all 215 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:10,280 these schools in the valley I went to Cleveland, John Wooden, Reseda, Zangre, Birmingham, Options 216 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:14,520 for Youth, Opportunities for Learning, all the ones over there like literally I've been 217 00:10:14,660 --> 00:10:20,400 enrolled in all these schools right because that was what she knew that was that was all she knew she 218 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:24,880 could do you know and so like I am really appreciative that she did what she could 219 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:30,880 right um and so I just continued this cycle and then I started going into treatment centers on 220 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:37,240 my own I think my first treatment center was when I was 17 and again like I wanted to stop 221 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:43,600 I meant well it's just this disease is powerful and so it just continued so I you know in my 222 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:44,640 active alcoholism I was like I need to stop I need to stop I need to stop I need to stop I need to 223 00:10:44,660 --> 00:10:50,400 right I had been knocked out choked out pushed out of a moving vehicle uh been the literal jaywalker 224 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:55,640 you know like they closed the road down thought I was gonna die overdosed many many many times 225 00:10:55,640 --> 00:11:00,360 and woken up to paramedics being like you should be dead or doctors saying you should be dead and 226 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:05,500 been institutionalized 5150 because you know if you overdose and they're like oh you're clearly 227 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:10,240 a danger to yourself like no no no I'm not you know and I would still try to convince them 228 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:14,440 otherwise and so at some point you know those big headaches 229 00:11:14,660 --> 00:11:21,880 from coming to I was getting real real tired right and so I just remember towards the the end 230 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:29,720 right that last year um at this point I'm like 19 no I'm like 20 I'm 20 and now I'm really trying to 231 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:36,880 just stop like I I know lack of power is my dilemma I am fully aware right I I have no problem 232 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:42,280 accepting the fact that I'm an alcoholic I have no problem accepting the the fact that my life 233 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,640 is unmanageable right that's not the problem I'm not the problem I'm not the problem I'm not the 234 00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:49,920 problem right um but I had a really hard time accepting the fact that I had a choice in whether 235 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:55,740 I lived or died right because I was so set on that I was like I'm going to die and I remember when 16 236 00:11:55,740 --> 00:12:02,920 came 17 came 18 came 19 came I was like what is going on what is going on here why are all these 237 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:09,100 people passing away and I'm still here and um and so towards the end I ended up at a trap house with 238 00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:14,380 that best friend turned first love and she succumbed to the disease the same way I did 239 00:12:14,660 --> 00:12:20,240 like you know I succumbed a lot faster but I was really tired I was really tired and I was like I 240 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:25,460 can't be here anymore I'm gonna go get help and I remember we had the biggest fight ever and we were 241 00:12:25,460 --> 00:12:29,960 at a trap house and so all the people in the the trap house are trying to stop us from fighting 242 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:34,300 because we don't want to bring attention and so like you know it was serious when all the other 243 00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:40,700 people there are trying to stop you right when they're like wait hold up and and the fight went 244 00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:44,640 a little something like this she's like you know I was like oh my god I'm gonna die I'm gonna die 245 00:12:44,660 --> 00:12:49,640 I want to go get help and she's like no you're weak how dare you how could you leave me right 246 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:54,700 and like that's how we ended it and in that moment I knew I wasn't weak right in that moment I 247 00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:59,840 definitely knew I wasn't weak I just knew I couldn't keep living this way and so I went to 248 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:05,760 a treatment again right I went to a woman's treatment in Pasadena and you know I did their 249 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:10,980 treatment I went into their sober living and I probably had the most time I had ever had which 250 00:13:10,980 --> 00:13:14,640 was probably like four months right it was four months sober and I was like I'm gonna die I'm gonna 251 00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:19,560 die and I was like in it in the program had a sponsor was doing whatever it was and I remember 252 00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:24,620 some of the girls and us had an outing at Santa Monica Beach and everything was great and then 253 00:13:24,620 --> 00:13:28,960 my mind just said no I don't want to do this anymore I don't want to do this anymore and I 254 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:35,380 literally went to my sober living and I told my sober living manager hey I'm I'm leaving I'm done 255 00:13:35,380 --> 00:13:40,300 with this life right before I ever before I ever took a drink right I'm done and they're like what 256 00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:44,640 are you talking about I was like no I don't want to come back here loaded I'm leaving right I'm 257 00:13:44,660 --> 00:13:50,380 so like you know like the disease was so powerful and so there I went on another run and in that run 258 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:56,380 is when that best friend died and and I and that was what what ended up bringing me to my knees 259 00:13:56,380 --> 00:14:01,740 right because at the end I had a mutually beneficial relationship with someone that 260 00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:06,100 knew I wasn't gonna rob him he knew I wasn't gonna rob him I knew he wasn't gonna hurt me 261 00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:11,480 and we had an infinite supply of anything and everything we wanted right and and despite having 262 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,640 anything and everything I wanted right it didn't take away from me it didn't take away from me 263 00:14:14,660 --> 00:14:20,080 the pain right my medicine had clearly stopped working a long time ago but it became real apparent 264 00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:26,500 after that because I was hurting I was in a world of hurt and I was it was an insane amount of 265 00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:32,460 things that I was doing and it just wasn't going away and I remember I OD'd one last time and um 266 00:14:32,460 --> 00:14:37,940 and I came to and my head was throbbing and I have this man he's standing there crying because 267 00:14:37,940 --> 00:14:43,560 he thought I was gonna die right and he's like scary and tatted and everything you know but he's 268 00:14:44,660 --> 00:14:50,060 out and I'm like what like what can you just give me what I need give me my medicine right because 269 00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:55,180 at that point I know that's all I want and he was like no I thought you were going to die and I just 270 00:14:55,180 --> 00:15:00,700 remember just like having this moment of defeat it's like I don't like I I don't know if I thought 271 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:06,240 I wasn't gonna die but I just had this moment of defeat and I walked over to this park it was over 272 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:11,680 there on um Devonshire and like I don't know I think it's Arlita whatever street that turns into 273 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,600 I walked over there and it was just in time to catch this 274 00:15:14,660 --> 00:15:21,940 and I just remember I'm so tired I'm so tired right like I I had you know I understood that 275 00:15:21,940 --> 00:15:27,440 there was Alcoholics Anonymous I understood that there was a solution right and I understood that 276 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:32,280 it was the last house on the block but I also you know was living under the delusion that I 277 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:38,620 I could dictate my life right I could dictate the fact that I would die from this disease and I 278 00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:43,780 wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore and so I was really tired and I just remember 279 00:15:44,660 --> 00:15:49,620 I posted something just saying I'm tired and then I had already developed relationships with women 280 00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:54,780 in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous right um and I'm so grateful for the women of Alcoholics 281 00:15:54,780 --> 00:15:59,580 Anonymous um and they and someone someone responded and they came and they drove out 282 00:15:59,580 --> 00:16:04,300 an hour out they were an hour away from me and then they drove an hour in another direction to 283 00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:10,420 draw me off in a detox one more time right and and I did I did detox and then one more time real 284 00:16:10,420 --> 00:16:14,640 quick I tried to change my mind because I'm a true alcoholic and I was like no I'm not going to do that 285 00:16:14,660 --> 00:16:20,460 no I don't want this anymore um and then I think I got stopped by the cops and I was like oh I was 286 00:16:20,460 --> 00:16:25,040 gonna go to treatment or some something like that right I always managed to get myself you know out 287 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:30,340 of trouble with the with law enforcement somehow some way um my friends were not so lucky um but 288 00:16:30,340 --> 00:16:37,720 but I I ended up at a Christian woman's program and it was free right because it was the last 289 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:44,460 house for me essentially on the block uh it was a Christian woman's facility in Pasadena and all we 290 00:16:44,660 --> 00:16:52,620 did was read the bible go to church do door-to-door fundraising and they did not allow us to do AA 291 00:16:52,620 --> 00:17:00,560 or NA any of that stuff it was strictly the bible and at that point I was just done because what 292 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:08,920 this place offered me was a safe place to sleep they gave me food they gave me water and clothing 293 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:14,320 right these are all things that I had been without really for a long time um and you know 294 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:14,640 I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just 295 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:20,660 I just had a place to be still the program itself was a year long I did not stay a year 296 00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:27,300 um but I stayed for six months right I stayed for six months because because I was just done 297 00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:33,140 I was done running the show like I was in this place of complete defeat and I knew that I just 298 00:17:33,140 --> 00:17:39,520 needed a place to be still I had many experiences in which which you know I had tried to stop on my 299 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:44,300 own but I you know and obviously I failed so I knew that I needed to just be someone 300 00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:50,320 somewhere that was not with you know like that was not running on Cynthia's power right because 301 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:56,120 obviously Cynthia's power was not it and so I did I did whatever was asked of me to the best of my 302 00:17:56,120 --> 00:18:01,600 ability except for you know having girlfriends because I was highly not acceptable there right 303 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:07,980 because they don't believe in that uh you know and so I was there I was there for a whole six 304 00:18:07,980 --> 00:18:14,180 months and when I ended up leaving it wasn't that I left on good terms I was literally upset that 305 00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:14,280 they couldn't leave me I was like I'm not gonna leave you I'm not gonna leave you I'm not gonna 306 00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:20,820 my little girlfriends right and they weren't punishing me um um and and you know I have my 307 00:18:20,820 --> 00:18:26,600 ideas right because it is a non-profit and I was the biggest fundraiser like I knew I knew why 308 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:33,620 they were keeping me and um I made the most money right um but I remember as I was leaving these 309 00:18:33,620 --> 00:18:38,180 women like they they're not nuns I don't know what to call them I really need to look it up 310 00:18:38,180 --> 00:18:44,000 but um they were like you're not gonna make it you're not gonna go to school you're you know 311 00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:48,420 wishing I think they wished everything but death on me because they knew I wanted that right and so 312 00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:54,860 they just said horrible things and I remember just knowing like these are these are not my people 313 00:18:54,860 --> 00:19:00,620 right and then there was one lady that also like lived worked there and she's like um I guess I 314 00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:03,920 need a backtrack because they thought I wasn't going to enter into the kingdom of heaven and 315 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:07,960 they would tell me because I like women right they would straight up tell me that but at the time it 316 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,940 didn't matter and and the reason it's also important to say that it just goes to show 317 00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:14,180 how done I truly was right because I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like 318 00:19:14,180 --> 00:19:20,980 I was I was so done that it didn't matter if you had beliefs that hated me right like I was I was 319 00:19:20,980 --> 00:19:26,120 just defeated and I was like like the big book says I was beaten into a state of reasonableness 320 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:32,020 and the state of reasonableness was that I just needed a safe space to dry out and to be right 321 00:19:32,020 --> 00:19:38,720 and um and then when I was leaving that one lady that that was good to me and kind of like gave me 322 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:43,860 permission to continue on with my life she was like hey like you know like you know basically 323 00:19:44,180 --> 00:19:50,840 what they're saying but also don't let them don't how did she say she said don't basically don't 324 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:57,600 believe like don't let them decide who your god is you know like don't like she basically gave me 325 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:01,480 permission I don't know why I can't think of the word but she basically gave me permission to be 326 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:08,320 like no their god isn't the right god your god is is unique to you right and it's kind of like how 327 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:13,680 our big book says or in bill's story talks about like having your own conception right so basically 328 00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:19,740 permission like yeah and they I know they go by this this whatever order but like that's not 329 00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:24,720 the reality like your god can be whoever you want to be and I'm so grateful that I did have that 330 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:30,140 experience as I was walking out as another woman from Alcoholics Anonymous was picking me up 331 00:20:30,140 --> 00:20:36,740 because again I had made those relationships right and so I got picked up uh you know from that home 332 00:20:36,740 --> 00:20:43,720 and and and then you know I I was still in a world of pain honestly right like I had a lot of guilt 333 00:20:44,180 --> 00:20:49,440 the wrong person had died right and that was that was what how I felt the wrong person had died 334 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:56,660 right I had obviously gone through a world of trauma du jour right so I was very raw and um 335 00:20:56,660 --> 00:21:02,080 honestly I wanted to die I wanted to hurt myself like I was extremely suicidal like up until my 336 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:08,400 first year sober somewhere between year one and year two finally the thought of like I want to die 337 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:14,060 went away so I by no means did I have a pink cloud right and 338 00:21:14,180 --> 00:21:20,940 and so yeah like I came into the rooms with a lot of guilt but I had women I had a a home group and 339 00:21:20,940 --> 00:21:26,740 they surrounded me right you know they're like take this commitment I said okay like I just needed 340 00:21:26,740 --> 00:21:33,280 to be told what to do because at that point I just I I couldn't I couldn't do anything else and I'm so 341 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:38,040 grateful that they were there for me right because I had never had a life that was worth living right 342 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:42,020 I stopped going to school in the eighth grade and I only earned three classes worth of high school 343 00:21:42,020 --> 00:21:44,160 credits that's not even a full semester of work right so I just needed to be told what to do and I 344 00:21:44,180 --> 00:21:52,040 of high school right um and and I just remember having so much like guilt and I had this small 345 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:57,940 moment because I I was in a world of pain I was in this emotional turmoil and I had this small 346 00:21:57,940 --> 00:22:04,080 moment where I heard hey that was the best thing that I could do for her and I remember in that 347 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:09,960 moment I felt so much peace you know like I was literally living in a world of calamity 348 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:14,160 right and I had experienced so much peace that I couldn't do anything else right and I had 349 00:22:14,180 --> 00:22:20,020 I knew that I did not produce that you know like that was again me knowing that I could be restored 350 00:22:20,020 --> 00:22:26,140 to sanity right and it wasn't by the power of Cynthia wasn't by the power of my sponsor or 351 00:22:26,140 --> 00:22:32,340 another human being that that was literally the a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity 352 00:22:32,340 --> 00:22:39,020 doing for me what I cannot do for myself right and so I had such a a great step two experience 353 00:22:39,020 --> 00:22:43,580 and that is something that has propelled me throughout my whole recovery honestly because 354 00:22:44,180 --> 00:22:50,220 things get tough and me as an alcoholic right like I'm naturally defiant my today in the day I'm in 355 00:22:50,220 --> 00:22:56,900 I'm defiant um my alcoholism looks like I want to kick it in la la land and pretend problems don't 356 00:22:56,900 --> 00:23:05,040 exist I want to paint them red flags green um you know like I want right I want to do things that 357 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:11,360 feel good that serve me um I don't necessarily step on the toes of my fellows anymore but 358 00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:14,100 sometimes I do it to my co-workers right um 359 00:23:14,180 --> 00:23:20,100 so every now and then I do it to my mom right because that wound is still there 360 00:23:20,100 --> 00:23:25,560 right but I forgot where I was going with it anyways I'm an alcoholic that's the point we're 361 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:32,980 all alcoholics and so you know when when I start to feel like my life is unmanageable or when I 362 00:23:32,980 --> 00:23:40,300 start to to be uh overcome by the insanity of my disease in the day that I'm in right I need to go 363 00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:44,160 back and I need to look for those big godshot moments those big godshot moments and I need to 364 00:23:44,180 --> 00:23:48,120 look for those big moments of being restored to sanity because that's what I find that helps me 365 00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:54,080 helps ground me helps me remember that I'm just another old little small alcoholic out in this 366 00:23:54,080 --> 00:24:00,680 world right because so badly I always try to play god right I'm you know like like saying like I 367 00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:05,280 should have died right I that was me playing god saying like she should have lived that was me 368 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:11,580 playing god right but when I can set that aside and just be present for the life and the day that 369 00:24:11,580 --> 00:24:14,160 I'm in right my life is so much easier than it used to be right I'm just like I'm just like I'm 370 00:24:14,180 --> 00:24:20,860 easier um it just takes a lot of practice and I will say in early recovery it took a lot of it took 371 00:24:20,860 --> 00:24:26,920 it took a lot of work it took a lot of effort uh you know I found a sponsor that she had what I 372 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:31,760 wanted and when I say she had what I wanted it wasn't about the materialistic things it was about 373 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:37,620 that inner peace right I could see that you know there was a genuine light in her eyes you know 374 00:24:37,620 --> 00:24:43,780 like she was handling situations with ease and again like I came in here so hopeless so 375 00:24:44,180 --> 00:24:50,820 desperate and just you know just so raw right and and so I started to have an experience with the 376 00:24:50,820 --> 00:24:58,320 steps right I started to like uncover discover and discard and you know um having done the multiple 377 00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:05,680 having done the steps multiple times now um that first one was real easy looking back right it was 378 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:12,780 hard then it was hard then right but it was just me being willing to show up for myself and to 379 00:25:12,780 --> 00:25:14,160 align my will with god's will and to show up for myself and to align my will with god's will and to 380 00:25:14,180 --> 00:25:20,240 being being willing to uh remove the things that are blocking me from this power because that's what 381 00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:25,760 it is right like these these things that I hold on to they always block me from being present being 382 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:32,860 here in the in the day that I'm in and and when I can be fully present you know it's just so much 383 00:25:32,860 --> 00:25:37,620 better honestly it is so much better and like when I can sit here and be present for my grief that 384 00:25:37,620 --> 00:25:43,580 shows up let me just show you like some cool things god does right in my life so not too long 385 00:25:44,180 --> 00:25:50,100 ago my friends passed away from this disease right uh she had slowly started to remove herself which 386 00:25:50,100 --> 00:25:54,160 you know whatever that's what we do right when we're sick we don't want to be around others 387 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:59,400 and then she ended up passing away and at the time I was working out my resentments and I actually 388 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:04,540 had caught in a resentment against my sponsor for the way she showed up for me for uh the way in 389 00:26:04,540 --> 00:26:09,100 which she showed up for me when my friend Adira died and when my friend Alicia died right and 390 00:26:09,100 --> 00:26:14,160 and you know like I worked it out I got to work it out and I and I felt like I had gotten the right 391 00:26:14,180 --> 00:26:18,940 and I used a different fellow because not all things need to go to my sponsor, especially if 392 00:26:18,940 --> 00:26:24,580 it's a resentment against my sponsor, right? And I got some relief. And then the next day, 393 00:26:24,700 --> 00:26:29,920 then we found out that another one of our friends passed away from this disease, right? And had I 394 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:36,000 not cleared that, like it was just divine timing. Had that not been cleared, like it probably would 395 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:43,060 have been, you know, a lot, a lot harder to be able to navigate that. Another example was literally 396 00:26:43,060 --> 00:26:50,220 on Thursday, right? I remember just, you know, like in anticipation of the anniversary, right? 397 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:55,380 Like the grief was seeping, it was coming out. And I'm so grateful for the women and the men 398 00:26:55,380 --> 00:27:01,920 of Alcoholics Anonymous. AA has given me, you know, a grandpa and I love him and I adore him. 399 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:08,340 And, you know, he shares from the podium and he says, you know, you lean into the grief. When it 400 00:27:08,340 --> 00:27:12,780 comes, you lean in. It's going to hurt like hell for 20 minutes, but then it will pass. 401 00:27:13,060 --> 00:27:18,420 Right? And so I've just been hearing his voice. And so I've been leaning into the grief and then 402 00:27:18,420 --> 00:27:24,220 it passes just like anything and everything, right? Like the one thing that's constant in our life as 403 00:27:24,220 --> 00:27:30,220 a human being is change. So all the good passes, all the bad passes. It's just the good old 404 00:27:30,220 --> 00:27:35,880 alcoholic me that wants to hold on and keep it the same, however uncomfortable it is, right? But 405 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:41,740 again, that's my self-will problem. And so I've been having that experience. And so Thursday came, 406 00:27:41,740 --> 00:27:43,020 I also cried a little. 407 00:27:43,060 --> 00:27:48,160 That day. And then by the time I went to the women's meeting at San Fernando, like I was 408 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:54,200 chilling. I was good. Right. And I was like, oh, do I really need to go? Do I really need to go to 409 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:59,160 this meeting? Right. And I was like contemplating and I was like, okay, fine. I'm going to go. And 410 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:06,660 then I ended up going and I was like, it was cool. Right. I saw some women that I adore. Everything 411 00:28:06,660 --> 00:28:11,980 was good. And then the leader led. And then the topic that they chose was grief. And I was like, 412 00:28:11,980 --> 00:28:13,020 what the hell? 413 00:28:13,060 --> 00:28:18,860 What's going on in here? Right. And it's just like, and it was such a good meeting. Right. And 414 00:28:18,860 --> 00:28:23,800 at that point in time, like I was, I was okay. You know, like there was a lot of people that 415 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:28,760 actually weren't okay. And I was able to be of service and provide comfort to those that were 416 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:33,600 not okay with that topic. You know, like after the fact, right? Like this is God doing for me 417 00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:39,440 what I cannot do for myself because I can't show up for others. Me of my own power. I just can't. 418 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:43,040 Right. And so, you know, I just get to be present. I get to participate. 419 00:28:43,060 --> 00:28:48,060 I get to participate in my recovery in the day I'm in. I'm not always perfect. I'm not always 420 00:28:48,060 --> 00:28:53,180 walking, you know, with principles. Like there's times when I know I'm going to say something 421 00:28:53,180 --> 00:28:58,760 that's going to piss off my coworker and I do it anyway. Right. I will say I do it less. 422 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:05,760 And I will say the practical application is I do pray for them. I'm like, oh, they're pushing me 423 00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:11,280 on. You know, like, let me pray for them. Bless them. Right. Right. Because that's a matter of 424 00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:13,040 just like, do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. 425 00:29:13,060 --> 00:29:18,280 I have to pray for them. I just have to because I want them to be good. And then I don't know 426 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:23,980 whatever the result is, is none of my business. That's the truth. Right. Because again, like I'm 427 00:29:23,980 --> 00:29:29,400 not in the results business. Right. I'm in the efforts business. And that is something that has 428 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:36,300 been instilled into me. Right. I just I just continue to show up and and try to be a part of 429 00:29:36,300 --> 00:29:42,640 and and try to be grateful, you know, even when I'm not, especially when I'm not, especially when 430 00:29:43,060 --> 00:29:49,320 I don't want to show up. I come and I show up. But of course, I always, you know, try to get my way 431 00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:53,720 out of it. But for the most part, I always show up. So that's all I got. Thank you. Do I read? 432 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:54,580 Okay.