1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:09,240 My name is Clarence, and I'm an alcoholic. I suffer from a disease called alcoholism, which centers in my mind, and I'm allergic to the alcohol. 2 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:19,920 My sobriety date is August 1st of 84. That means I have 42 years. I just celebrated, and it's just the grace of God is the only thing. 3 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:27,120 First of all, I'd like to give God all, you know, say thank you to God because, you know, for His grace that He showed me here. 4 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:31,360 And I want to also say thank you to my parents for the tough love they gave me. 5 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:39,860 And I'd like to thank my wife because when I get a little bit rambunctious, she's one of those that'll tell me, go to a meeting, you know. 6 00:00:39,860 --> 00:00:46,400 And, well, the way it started, I come from a small town, Lompoc, California. I was born and raised there. 7 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:52,980 My father was a reserve policeman. That's the reason why I don't have a bad folder today. 8 00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:56,880 And my mother was a nurse, so they were kind of like pillars of the community. 9 00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:04,160 And, you know, and I was just a typical kid, you know, where I would go and do and everything. 10 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:09,920 But, you know, I got in a lot of trouble and stuff, you know, I burglarized a house and I got in trouble. 11 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:22,000 And, you know, and then it got to the point where the people in Lompoc, the parents wouldn't let me date their daughters because my name went before me. 12 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:25,280 I had a name in the town. I did a geographic. 13 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:26,780 I graduated midterm. 14 00:01:26,780 --> 00:01:26,880 I graduated midterm. 15 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,020 I graduated out of high school and I joined the Navy. 16 00:01:29,020 --> 00:01:41,060 The funny thing is I took myself with me, you know, and I had full intentions of staying there for 20 years and retiring at 38 and I could become a surf bum. 17 00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:43,800 But after four years, they were hot on my trail. 18 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,400 And, you know, they don't like me slushing money. 19 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:54,700 They don't like me slinging dope and they don't like me, you know, black marketing stuff in some of the ports we went into, you know. 20 00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:56,040 But I enjoyed it. 21 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:56,780 I enjoyed the Navy. 22 00:01:56,780 --> 00:02:02,380 The camaraderie of everybody in our shop and everything, I really enjoyed it. 23 00:02:02,380 --> 00:02:21,280 I hung out with my crowd that I knew the best, you know, and I just, I just, you know, and then I got married to my high school sweetheart and I felt sorry for her because she didn't know what she was getting into because I was in San Diego and I'd go to Fresno and I could behave myself for a couple of days. 24 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:25,160 Then I'd shoot back to San Diego and I'd do what I knew best, you know. 25 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:26,760 It took one year for her to. 26 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:36,540 Finally figure out that, no, you need to go, you know, and I, I asked my parents to come back, you know, and my father, my father was like, if you come back, there's going to be some rules. 27 00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:39,460 And I was like, okay, what is your rules? 28 00:02:39,540 --> 00:02:41,340 And he says, no drinking and driving. 29 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:54,180 One rule, you know, and I kind of, I kind of, I kind of think of it like Adam and Eve, you know, one rule, don't eat the apple, you know, and it was one of those things. 30 00:02:54,180 --> 00:02:56,240 And I said, okay, I could do it. 31 00:02:56,780 --> 00:02:59,920 And he gave me free reign because I had a back house. 32 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:02,740 He says, whatever you want to do, do it in the back house. 33 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:03,840 I don't care what you do. 34 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:13,580 Just don't, you know, and for some reason, some reason I had to go into the main house and then announce myself after a good night out, you know. 35 00:03:13,940 --> 00:03:17,440 Oh, was it a, oh, it was, it was on my first. 36 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:25,340 It was my, my mom came over and she started screaming and yelling at me in the house and my, the neighbors thought she was fighting with the neighbors. 37 00:03:25,340 --> 00:03:26,640 And they found out it was me. 38 00:03:26,780 --> 00:03:44,120 She was using me as a pianta, just beating me and I, and you know, I, I don't dare lift my hand, but what blew me away at that moment was I lost bodily functions and I was trying to figure out why am I my, why my number one, who's banging on my door, why is my bed wet? 39 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:44,960 And it was summertime. 40 00:03:45,260 --> 00:03:47,340 So I thought, Hey, I think I'm sweaty. 41 00:03:47,700 --> 00:03:56,740 And, and then I, then the whole world, when I was the world, when in the family, you know, they tell us, man, we just go in there and we just tear up stuff. 42 00:03:56,740 --> 00:04:07,480 You know, and, and the next morning I usually had a nice breakfast waiting for me from my father that morning, all that was, there was a cup of coffee and I told myself, you're in for it, be prepared. 43 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:10,740 And my father sat me down and he says, we need to have a talk. 44 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:12,220 And he gave me three choices. 45 00:04:12,220 --> 00:04:17,580 Choice number one was to go to a shrink because a mental illness runs in my family. 46 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,200 And he thought I was trying to just balance myself. 47 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:24,620 But what he didn't understand was alcohol was a solution for me. 48 00:04:24,740 --> 00:04:26,460 It was a solution because I. 49 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:36,740 Stuff that happened in my, my childhood, I just could not deal with, you know, and I, I, I was like, you know, I, I just, I just didn't like it, you know? 50 00:04:36,740 --> 00:04:45,720 And so it, it helped me shut my mind off because it would talk to me with complete authority stuff that I did prior. 51 00:04:46,060 --> 00:04:48,140 I, it, everything seemed normal. 52 00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:55,360 You know, I, I mean, I, I hung around with the same people and my father used to tell me birds of feather, Clarence birds feather. 53 00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:56,480 And I was like, Oh yeah. 54 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:56,720 Yeah. 55 00:04:56,740 --> 00:05:06,500 You know, or number two, go to AA, which I was like, Oh man, I don't know about that one because I lived right next to an Al-Anon club. 56 00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:13,860 And I was the little, little, little guy that'll be there drinking his beers in his fort and tossing them over into their parking lot. 57 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:22,940 The empties, you see, that's, that's, that's the way my mentality was, you know, was, and, or three, I was to pack my bags and split. 58 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:26,420 And, and when he said that, tears started rolling down his eyes. 59 00:05:26,420 --> 00:05:28,940 Now, my father only cried twice that I know of. 60 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:37,620 Once when I burglarized that house and there was pens to be paid for that one because I had to take all the crud back to the lady, apologized to her. 61 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:43,120 And my father told her, if you want to call the police, I'm a hundred percent behind you, or I could take care of the problem. 62 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,960 And in my mind, I was begging her to call the cops. 63 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:46,740 Please, man. 64 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,760 I knew exactly what was going to go down. 65 00:05:48,860 --> 00:05:49,820 I was in junior high. 66 00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:51,780 And at that time you had a strip down. 67 00:05:51,780 --> 00:05:56,380 And when I stripped down the next day, I had black and blue marks from my shoulder. 68 00:05:56,460 --> 00:05:58,640 Blades all the way down to my calves. 69 00:05:58,860 --> 00:06:01,660 And the PE teacher asked me what happened. 70 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:07,520 And I was like, oh, I got in trouble, you know, and that, that was the end of it, you know, but I still remember it. 71 00:06:07,540 --> 00:06:20,000 You know, that's the, that's the way my parents tried to raise me, you know, and they, and, and I, I said, you know, I was in such a state of denial at that time that I called up my provider, Facey, at the time. 72 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,400 And I said, yeah, I think I need to go to rehab. 73 00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:24,200 You know, I was going to try the rehab. 74 00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:26,200 And they asked me a simple question. 75 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,420 How much do you drink? 76 00:06:27,460 --> 00:06:46,180 And I said, well, I drink about a six pack a week, you know, and, and, and they, they, she, she kind of fluffed it off saying, well, we don't think you really have a problem, but here's, here's one thing I want you to remember is it's not the amount that you drink, but what happens after you start drinking, your attitude afterwards. 77 00:06:46,180 --> 00:06:49,420 And it was one of those things where I was like, ah, I'm happy. 78 00:06:49,420 --> 00:06:51,480 So I don't know what's wrong with you. 79 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,520 So I go back thinking that I'm, I'm mad. 80 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:55,280 I'm cool. 81 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,100 You know, I, I tried and they said no. 82 00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:05,540 And well, I forgot to tell you at that time, my mom being a nurse, she was a nurse also for Schick Shadel on the alcohol side. 83 00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:09,940 So now she's asking me questions about, well, what was the woman's name? 84 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,280 Very simple things. 85 00:07:11,340 --> 00:07:13,140 And I, I, I don't know. 86 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,840 Well, we had a conversation and you're most definitely an alcoholic. 87 00:07:17,060 --> 00:07:20,780 And, and, and, and I was like, ah, criminy, you know? 88 00:07:20,780 --> 00:07:23,480 And then my father says, you remember Ronnie B. 89 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,060 And I said, yeah, I remember Ronnie. 90 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:32,540 Well, I didn't tell him I used to party with the guy all the time and he says he, he's in AA and here's his number. 91 00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:34,740 And that's as far as I'm going to go right there. 92 00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:35,600 No more help. 93 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:36,440 That's it. 94 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:41,840 You know, I, I called up Ronnie and I, I, I said, Hey, Ronnie, man, it's Clarence, you know? 95 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:45,500 And he says, Hey, I hear you're in trouble and he's all chipper and everything. 96 00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:51,440 And I was like, oh, you know, and I, I, I was like, he says, have you drank? 97 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,980 And I said, Ronnie, I'm in so much trouble right at the moment. 98 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:59,420 I, I, I'm not even going to do it now in my mind, I'm already making a plan. 99 00:07:59,420 --> 00:08:06,440 My plan was Ronnie's going to get teach me how to get everybody off my back and then I could go back out and do what I know how to do. 100 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:16,040 Well, staunch AA man, old school AA man, first thing, 20 questions, man, he says, answer these as honestly as you can. 101 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,340 And I said, okay. 102 00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:20,920 And I did, it was 15 out of 20 and I thought, oh, that's cool, man. 103 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,520 That's I, I got it, man. 104 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,280 I got a D, you know, is what I was thinking. 105 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:44,940 And then, and at that time it was on a long form, not like the little folded up one and he ripped off the bottom part, you know, and where I couldn't read everything, you know, and then he gave it to me and I was like, you know, one, you know, one or two, you may want to think about it. 106 00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:49,640 And then came the big one, three or more, you're most definitely an alcoholic, man. 107 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:55,040 And that one kind of perked me up because it was like, no one, no one told me I was an alcoholic. 108 00:08:55,280 --> 00:09:01,980 I put the check marks in the little boxes and a couple of them were freebies because have you gotten pregnant from drinking? 109 00:09:01,980 --> 00:09:14,880 No, I never got pregnant from drinking, you know, and, but, and what got me was the meeting was going on and he, he, he had the, the leader, hey, why don't you stop and ask if there's any alcoholics? 110 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:20,440 And, and, and, and they did, do we have any new alcoholics there? 111 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,480 And he looked at me and says, it's up to you now. 112 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,040 And I raised my hand, I raised my hand and. 113 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:38,940 And, and, and it was off and running, you know, and, you know, then we started going through the steps and stuff, you know, and, and I still have problems with my mind every now and then it's still just because I got time does not relieve my alcoholism. 114 00:09:38,940 --> 00:09:44,040 Like today, Abraham said, professional attire. 115 00:09:44,260 --> 00:09:51,120 Now I'm trying to figure out what is professional attire, you know, but here's the solution is in the promises. 116 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:54,940 It tells us that we will automatically know I'm, I'm paraphrasing. 117 00:09:55,280 --> 00:10:01,320 Automatically know where to go for a solutions where things that used to baffle us. 118 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:09,500 So I Googled it, you know, and they said, yes, there's a casual and then there's, there's a suit and tie, you know, and I said, well, I don't know which one they want. 119 00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:12,500 So I'll just get a suit and tie and go, go for it, man. 120 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:23,320 And that's, that's, that's the way I was taught, you know, and so, so now we're going through and stuff, you know, the steps and I, I wanted to go and try and get another job and stuff. 121 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:24,320 And like, like yours. 122 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,640 We aren't doing anything. 123 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,660 You stay right where you're at for a year. 124 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:39,560 And we started going through and I, I, when I first looked at that, none of the step one, we're powerless over alcohols that our lives have become unmanageable, man. 125 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:46,460 That made so much stinking sense to me that it was like, that's my problem right there, man. 126 00:10:46,940 --> 00:10:48,860 And I'm powerless over this stuff. 127 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,960 I'm also powerless over people, places, and things. 128 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:55,060 Also, I have a hula hoop, which is four. 129 00:10:55,060 --> 00:10:55,260 Squared. 130 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:55,860 Four feet. 131 00:10:56,300 --> 00:11:02,960 I put my feet in that hula hoop and only people that could fit in there comfortably is God and myself. 132 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:15,300 I don't worry about other people's problems today unless it's my wife, my family, or something right in the nucleus of my sobriety, you know, because I used to come up with some, some tells, man. 133 00:11:15,380 --> 00:11:18,680 My father would ask simple questions like, why do you drink like this? 134 00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:25,160 And I, and I'd go with the spiel and, and it was like, you know, oh my God, you know, that's it. 135 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:32,600 You just shake his head and get out of here, you know, but, um, but my parents were my best allies at that time. 136 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:46,940 You know, I, I found out that you don't chew gum in front of a parent if you're, if you're, if you're sober newly, because my father would make me spit it out and he would grab me real close and put my face right next to his nose. 137 00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:49,240 And he says, I want you to breathe from your belly. 138 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:54,860 And I, and I, and I was, I was kind of shocked about that because I was like, don't you trust me? 139 00:11:54,860 --> 00:11:57,080 And he, and I just blurted it out. 140 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:58,280 And he says, no, I don't. 141 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,240 Non-trust is earned and you haven't earned it yet. 142 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,280 And I was like, oh man. 143 00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:12,600 But when I go through that, you know, with them and I, that was the easiest step I had to take because I looked at my past. 144 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:21,200 My past is my greatest asset that I have today because I still remember, I still remember a lot of the stuff I did. 145 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,720 You know, I mean, you know, like in the Navy, they would tell you. 146 00:12:24,860 --> 00:12:25,940 Stay out of the rooftops. 147 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:31,820 I said, okay, I won't be under the rooftop rooftops in Hong Kong, but I'll go over to Kowloon, which is China. 148 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,420 Now we all know what's happening over in China. 149 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,640 And I'd go up there and there'd be a, an opium bin. 150 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,640 That's, that's what it was, man. 151 00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:45,020 And I was, when I first walked in, I was scared because I'm a scaredy cat. 152 00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:46,420 That's one of my things too. 153 00:12:46,540 --> 00:12:50,160 I, I, I, I'm sometimes ran on fear. 154 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,000 I either fight or flight, man. 155 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:52,940 Those are my things. 156 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,840 And I was right by the door. 157 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:55,320 Man. 158 00:12:55,320 --> 00:13:04,800 And I was doing my business and stuff and it took one hour for me to go and see the rest of the crew that was there from my ship, you know? 159 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:06,720 And I was amazed, man. 160 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:11,120 I was, I was like, man, this is heaven, man, as far as I was concerned. 161 00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:14,200 And that's the way my, my alcoholism was, you know? 162 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:19,100 And so when I went there, that, that was my first honest thing that I honestly did. 163 00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:23,840 I took, I took that from my heart and put it in my brain. 164 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:24,560 My inner. 165 00:13:24,860 --> 00:13:42,200 Self, you know, that you are an alcoholic, you know, now, now way back in the back of my mind, I still had reservations because I was like, you know, I'm just getting into this, you know, let's still look at that year plan that you have and stuff, you know, and that, that, that's that honesty, you know? 166 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:52,400 And, and today I have to be honest with everything, you know, I, I cannot, I can't, you know, Ted and I, I want to thank Ted for coming out also. 167 00:13:52,580 --> 00:13:54,560 He's part of the group that we have. 168 00:13:54,560 --> 00:14:00,700 He's part of our accountability group and, uh, we'll have a meeting before the meetings and we usually have a meeting after the meetings. 169 00:14:00,820 --> 00:14:02,180 That's the way it always was. 170 00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:06,060 And that's what we like, you know, and, uh, we'll talk about stuff. 171 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:12,900 We get down to some very intimate stuff, him and me, you know, and it's a shared thing, you know? 172 00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:23,280 And, um, so then as I'm going through, you know, you know, I was, uh, I lost that wife and then I, I gone, I was about five years, six years sober. 173 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:24,540 And I, I thought. 174 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,700 You know, I think I want to get married again. 175 00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:31,840 So I thought, you know, I, I had an arranged marriage basically from my mom. 176 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:39,540 She picked out the gal and I went with her and, and she, she understood all, I told her about AA and the whole nine yards. 177 00:14:39,540 --> 00:14:52,280 I told her, man, this is what I do, you know, I'm a product of Pacoima 530 because I work construction and I, I need to get my sleep, man, for I could do a good, honest day's work. 178 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,120 You know, I was a pipe fitter. 179 00:14:54,120 --> 00:15:07,000 Welder, I, I, that's, I loved it, you know, and, um, then about six, seven years later, she, she came up to me and she says, I, I, I wish you were cheating on me because I know how to handle this. 180 00:15:07,060 --> 00:15:09,120 I can't, you're, you're always at a meeting. 181 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:20,460 You're, you're, you're, you know, you're, you're a good man and everything, but you know, it's just, it's just, ah, you know, and I, and so I conceded, I conceded. 182 00:15:20,460 --> 00:15:24,040 And I said, well, I'll tell you what, if, if, if I can't go. 183 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,900 AA, let's go to church. 184 00:15:25,940 --> 00:15:31,800 You want to go to church, you know, we'll get it, but I'm going to tell you, I'm going to be as active in church as I am in AA. 185 00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:43,240 And that lasted for about three years, you know, and I was like, and she says, this just isn't happening, you know, and, and that's where that, uh, wife, no wife, job, no job. 186 00:15:43,380 --> 00:15:47,100 We don't drink no matter what, you know, that, and that's one of my things. 187 00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:51,000 I do not drink no matter what, because I have a solution today. 188 00:15:51,220 --> 00:15:52,540 First is prayer, man. 189 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:53,660 First is prayer. 190 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,820 And then I don't, I don't drink. 191 00:15:56,060 --> 00:15:56,940 We aren't drinking. 192 00:15:57,140 --> 00:15:57,900 We aren't using. 193 00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,100 We aren't doing anything. 194 00:15:59,440 --> 00:15:59,740 Prayer. 195 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,340 Then I go to my sponsor. 196 00:16:01,740 --> 00:16:04,500 Then I go to my people in our, within our group, man. 197 00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:07,840 And that's, that's, that's, that's my, that's my thing. 198 00:16:07,940 --> 00:16:13,920 That's what I have to do because I do not want to die an alcoholic death. 199 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:19,120 I have seen some of those poor clowns out of our county where they're all bloated up and stuff. 200 00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:24,080 And, uh, I really feel, you know, I have a lot of empathy. 201 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:27,900 I don't feel sorry for people, but I learned the word empathy. 202 00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:33,320 It's like, I care about people, but I'm not going to get really into it, you know? 203 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:38,700 And then we went to step two, which is hope, you know, and that's all I ever wanted was 204 00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:39,760 just a chance. 205 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,560 Just give me a chance, please. 206 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:46,980 You know, and, and it says that we, we came to believe that a higher, uh, a higher power 207 00:16:46,980 --> 00:16:53,020 can relieve, um, I gotta look at it, came, came to believe that a power greater than 208 00:16:53,020 --> 00:16:54,080 ourselves could restore. 209 00:16:54,280 --> 00:17:02,000 And I knew I was crazy because the stuff I did, no sane person would do, you know, I 210 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,500 mean, seriously, man, you don't, you don't go streaking. 211 00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:12,240 That's, you know, you know, you just don't do some of these things, you know, and, and 212 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:17,040 I always wanted that, that, that hope, you know, I always, you know, just give me a chance, 213 00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:21,340 man, just give me a chance, you know, and people would give me a chance and I, and I 214 00:17:21,340 --> 00:17:23,640 would, I would, I would, I would fall short. 215 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:24,060 I would fall short. 216 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:29,440 Now, when I would fall short, I would, I would do what I would naturally know what to do, 217 00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:34,820 you know, but now I can't do that, so now I have to keep going, you know, and then came 218 00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:40,080 the faith, the faith, man, you know, turning my will and life over to the care of God as 219 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:40,860 I understood Him. 220 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,320 Now, part of my upbringing was church. 221 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:48,400 When I went to Forest Square, it's a Baptist, and at that time, the only thing they preached 222 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:55,380 was firestone and brimstone, fire and brimstone, man, and I was, I was hyperactive, attention 223 00:17:55,380 --> 00:18:00,980 deficit, so I was kind of a wild child, you know, and they would say I was a demon, I 224 00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:07,860 was demonic, and then came the, the one thing that, that just blew me out of the water was, 225 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:13,260 was, you know, if you thought it, you did it, and you're gonna burn in hell, man, and 226 00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:14,720 I was like, you know, let's go. 227 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:18,380 So, junior high, I told God to stay on His own side of the stinking stage. 228 00:18:18,380 --> 00:18:20,780 I'll stay on the street, and I'll stay on my side of the street. 229 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:25,300 That's, that's as easy as I could put it, you know, and I was off and running at that 230 00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:29,980 point, you know, and, but when I came to that, turning my will and, my will and my life over 231 00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:33,840 to the care of God, it was one of those things that I had to make a decision. 232 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:39,860 I had to make a decision, and it had to be coming from my heart, and I was, I was like, 233 00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:44,320 and I prayed about it, and I said, God, I, I just don't want to be what I am, but if 234 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:48,360 you're the person that's going to be helping me, I'm going to go all the way. 235 00:18:48,380 --> 00:18:55,460 You know, and I, I, I was like, okay, because I, you know, like part of my religious teaching 236 00:18:55,460 --> 00:19:00,600 is that there's no other God, so I was like, okay, we're, I still have that same God that 237 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:06,520 I had back when I was younger, the only difference is that I have a different attitude towards 238 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:12,640 Him, you know, what I can do today is I can ask for forgiveness, you know, I'm sorry, 239 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:17,140 you know, that's a very, two simple words, I'm sorry. 240 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:18,360 And you'll never. 241 00:19:18,380 --> 00:19:25,860 Never learn that when you say stuff like that, that cuts nonsense to, to nil, you know, and 242 00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:31,480 I, I was like, you know, and I, and, you know, and we kept on going, and we're going through 243 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:36,260 the steps, and you know, the, the four step, I wrote all the stuff, and I really don't 244 00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:41,920 like those in between, because I had to look at myself, and why I was the problem, and 245 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:47,920 I went through it, but my other three is 10, 11, and 12, you know, when you're wrong, promptly 246 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:48,360 admit it. 247 00:19:48,380 --> 00:19:55,460 You know, now, I, I'm not easy to say, I'm sorry, but every once in a while, my mouth 248 00:19:55,460 --> 00:20:00,620 would get me in trouble, and it, and it's, and it's at, and, and I, I didn't mean to, 249 00:20:00,620 --> 00:20:07,760 to step on any toes or anything, and, but at our meeting, I, I, I, I said some stuff, 250 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:12,300 and I heard through the grapevine, someone was upset about the, what I talked about, 251 00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:16,460 you know, and I, I was like, ah, you know, yeah, yeah, well, a couple of weeks ago, we, 252 00:20:16,460 --> 00:20:24,720 well, on my birthday, it was on my birthday, I'm walking out the door, here's that man, 253 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:30,920 and I heard in my mind, apologize, and I was like, oh, please, you know, and so, I, I had 254 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:36,900 to apologize, and I did, you know, because when I have a thought that isn't my own, and 255 00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:42,740 it sounds like my father's speaking to me, I'm, I'm doing it because I, you know, that's 256 00:20:42,740 --> 00:20:44,840 just part of my, my program. 257 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:45,840 I, I just. 258 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:50,060 I went up to him, I said, hey, I'm really sorry about, you know, I, I don't have no 259 00:20:50,060 --> 00:20:57,940 beef with the, the homosexual community, I don't, in fact, I'm very grateful for them, 260 00:20:57,940 --> 00:21:01,980 because they taught me the difference between a pedophile and a homosexual, because I thought 261 00:21:01,980 --> 00:21:07,440 they were intermingled, you know, that they were both clumped together, you know, and, 262 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:12,580 and, and, and I'm very grateful for Johnny and Enrique, because they kind of let me stay 263 00:21:12,580 --> 00:21:14,100 there, which they couldn't tell me not to go, but they, they kind of kept me there, 264 00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,100 and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, 265 00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:16,100 and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, 266 00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:19,220 they, they kind of kept everyone away from me where I could just listen and learn. 267 00:21:19,220 --> 00:21:22,580 And, about, six weeks later they asked me, do you, do you understand? 268 00:21:22,580 --> 00:21:28,480 I said, yeah, it's between two consenting adults, and the, a pedophile is a predator, 269 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:33,040 you know, and he said, you're, you're absolutely right, now why don't you go back to your meeting 270 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:35,140 and have a good time . 271 00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:40,480 which is fine, I understand they want their, you know, but they were willing to teach me. 272 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:45,100 And I told this to this man, and I think the beef is over, I think the beef is over. 273 00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:53,760 and I didn't really use the the the fag word or anything it was the homo is what I said and and he 274 00:21:53,760 --> 00:22:00,340 took offense to it you know and uh so that's that's where I'm at when I hear or or if I'm I 275 00:22:00,340 --> 00:22:05,760 know I'm wrong because when I go to sleep and I when I was working and I'm tossing and turning 276 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:13,280 and I'm replaying and replaying and replaying and replaying that action it's one of those things 277 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:21,760 where you know ah man and I had a beef with an iron worker and I and and and I was taught that 278 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:28,900 if you make a scene in public you apologize in public and I went over to the guy and I said you 279 00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:34,160 know hey look man I'm really sorry about yesterday yes I should have just moved your lead and for you 280 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:40,240 can go on about your business I was a little bit busy and I and it was just the heated words and 281 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,900 and and and and he says okay no problem 282 00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:43,260 and 283 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:51,040 and and then came then came all the other workers you know the p word you know and and I and he he 284 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:57,400 stood up for me he says man this guy has bigger ones than any of you guys because he's right here 285 00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:02,820 apologizing and now you guys are belittling him you know and I I was quite grateful to him man 286 00:23:02,820 --> 00:23:09,240 you know and uh and that's where I am you know if I if something's eating at me I have to get it 287 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:13,260 out of my head because it'll just keep going it'll just keep going 288 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:19,640 it'll keep going and it'll keep going and I just I just don't like that man and it'll talk to me with 289 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:25,760 complete authority you know you know forget him you know he doesn't know what you're doing and 290 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:32,280 and that's my alcohol that's my ism there man that's that's where I'm I'm I'm kind of you know 291 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:38,260 I'm listening to myself now when I listen to myself I'm listening to an idiot you know it's 292 00:23:38,260 --> 00:24:05,940 I have to put it, you know, because sometimes I'm just not the sharpest pencil in the box, man, you know, yeah, and then when it comes over to, you know, having that right here, soft repair, meditation, improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, I do, I walk every morning and I go, one of our, one of the guys, he says, he goes hiking and he says, who am I hiking with? I'm hiking with God. 293 00:24:05,940 --> 00:24:35,920 And when I go on my walk, who are you walking with? You're walking with God. And I do a lot of meditating during, while I'm walking because I'll, I'll just pick a topic. One time a person said that his girlfriend's mother said that he had a good heart, but a sick mind. And I kind of understood that and I thought about that for a while, man. Do you want your mind matching your heart, Clarence? And I said, yes, I do, you know, I don't, I don't want to have, you know, 294 00:24:35,940 --> 00:25:05,920 I just don't want to have no beefs anymore, man. And it's getting better. It's getting better for me, you know, took me a while, but you know, it's, it's all okay, you know, because it's, it's, it's what it takes, you know, and then step 12, man, that's action right there, you know, that's action, man, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to other alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs, man. 295 00:25:05,940 --> 00:25:35,720 And that's what I do. That's why I'm here today. Because I have been secretaries. And sometimes it's kind of hard getting people up. And I was taught, when you get asked, you don't say no, you say yes, and you go on about it, you know, and I'm willing to dress up. If you told me it's a nudist camp with you, guess what I would have, I might be embarrassed, but hey, I will suit up and show up, you know, and, and I do. 296 00:25:35,940 --> 00:26:05,920 You know, I try to help other people. There's a one person or group that's having a tough time. And we're really working with them really working with them. I and I, I old school is when you had a birthday, you would take a candle and you give it to the newcomer. And I gave it to him. And I told him here, I want you to put that on your, your first year cake because I and I would tell him because I heard one thing from one of the guys in our meetings that really, really struck me. It says if you don't believe you can, but you can. 297 00:26:05,940 --> 00:26:35,920 Believe that I believe you can, you know, stay sober. And I told him that. And he says, Well, what happens if it, you know, what happens if I go out and start drinking? I said, I'm going to light it, and I'm going to put it where the sun don't shine. You know, it's very simple, you know, and he, you know, and I think he's kind of listening a little bit this time, you know, and I'm like, God, you know, and I'm sure everyone's praying for the man, we pray for one another, we there's power and prayer and everything. And that's, that's one of the 298 00:26:35,940 --> 00:27:05,920 things that I like, you know, I am one of the reasons I went back to church, because at that time, I was trying to figure out God again. And, and I and I was hearing old timers, old timers were talking about going to church. And I said, Why don't you go to church? You know, that's one of the things. Why don't you go to church, man, you're right here, man, it's a spiritual program. So if you want to learn about God, where do you go? And that made so much sense to me, you know, that it was beyond my comprehension that that's what I said when I 299 00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:35,900 you know, when I helped when my wife said she wanted to go to church, okay, fine, I will go to church, man. And I, and I enjoyed it. I had a good time there. I still go I barbed like tomorrow, I'm going to barbecue, I'm going to make Jesus burgers. Yeah, that's what I call them. Because we have a, an outreach in the park that we, we eat and whoever's there, if you want a hamburger, come on over, man, it's more than, but that's how I give back to the community, you know, and 300 00:27:35,900 --> 00:28:05,880 you know, and it, you know, and I have nothing bad to say about Alcoholics Anonymous, man. If you're new, give yourself a chance, man. I mean, I mean, 100%. Don't, don't play, don't play little wishy-washy stuff with it. It's one guy says don't play Penny Annie with a million dollar program, you know, and, and I and my sponsor, you know, this man, I still have 301 00:28:05,900 --> 00:28:35,740 him today. He has, I got 40, he has 47 years, Ronnie B., and he told me not too long ago, this is how serious this man was about it. When I first got sober, I could not sit down. I could not sit down and behave myself. I'd get up, I'd wander around. I was at a men's stag, and they asked him, don't bring him anymore. I was like, what? He says, didn't you ever notice that we never went to the Thursday, it was a third, not the former one, but another Thursday night men's stag, we just stopped 302 00:28:35,740 --> 00:28:35,880 going. 303 00:28:35,900 --> 00:29:05,740 And we went over to Kenny Brown's, and I said, yeah. He says, that's the reason why, because I wanted you to make it, man, because I know you could, you know. And today, all I can say is thank you, God, man. Thank you, God, for showing a little grace on me and giving me a way of living a life. I have a set of morals that I can live by today. I'm comfortable in my own skin, which I'm very grateful for. And that, that, that squirrel cage that 304 00:29:05,740 --> 00:29:19,340 goes, man, it's, it's, it's, it's not, it's not running as quick, you know. It might be, you know, just a little, but, you know, I can handle it with God's help. And I just thank God and AA for my sobriety today. Thank you. 305 00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:22,120 Oh, I forgot to thank, uh, quality of life.