1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,400 Hi, my name is Wendi. I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:02,400 Hi, welcome to the meeting. 3 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:04,960 Thank you, Abraham, so much for asking me to come out. 4 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,480 And I want to thank my wife, Amanda, for coming with me. 5 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:10,320 And thank you so much for your 10 minutes. 6 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:14,040 I heard you work on Spider-Man or something cool like that. 7 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:15,240 It was nice to meet you. 8 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,040 That was an amazing 10 minutes, though. 9 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:21,040 And I appreciate this light box here 10 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:22,520 to help me keep track of time. 11 00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:26,960 So I'm just gonna start at the beginning, 12 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,800 what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. 13 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,640 A lot of this is kind of like in hindsight, right? 14 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:36,480 At the time, I'm sure I would have seen it much differently. 15 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:42,320 But in the years before I ever drank or used, 16 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,200 I was really just a person 17 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,160 with an incredible amount of anxiety. 18 00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:50,840 And then for a period of time, I was an intoxicated person. 19 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,440 And as of this moment, I'm a sober person 20 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,360 with an incredible amount of anxiety, 21 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,320 but it's manageable and I go through life. 22 00:00:58,320 --> 00:00:59,960 And so, 23 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:03,920 when I was, for as long as I can remember, 24 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:07,240 I was just like a super anxious kid. 25 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:10,760 At the time, I don't think I would have known that. 26 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:14,040 I just thought this is kind of what life was like. 27 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,800 Cause there wasn't really a big reason for it. 28 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,400 Like I had, you know, a family who loved me. 29 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:21,200 I mean, we had our problems, but you know, 30 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,960 a family who loved me and I went to a school 31 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,600 and I had friends and inside my head, 32 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,760 it was like I was living in a war zone. 33 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:32,720 It was just like, like I would lay awake all night, 34 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,480 like around like seven or eight years old, 35 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,480 this part started where I'd lay awake at night, 36 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,800 like terrified of the next day. 37 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,000 And I got it in my head that like, 38 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,240 if I didn't get enough sleep, 39 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,680 that I was gonna like screw up the next day. 40 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,640 And then that was gonna have a ripple effect 41 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,040 and it was gonna lead to homelessness down the line. 42 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:49,880 And it just like, 43 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:52,640 there was a lot of pressure on falling asleep by, 44 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,520 I think I got it in my head 9.30. 45 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:56,960 I, it wasn't like an assigned bedtime. 46 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,560 I just came up with it from my own mind. 47 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,080 My own nervous system. 48 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,960 And I would just like lay there looking at the clock 49 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,440 and I'm like, I'm not gonna make it. 50 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,040 Like, I can tell I'm not gonna be asleep by 9.30 51 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,720 and like it would pass 9.30, you know? 52 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,280 And this is like before third grade. 53 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:13,680 Like there was nothing important 54 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,600 that I had to do the next day. 55 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:20,280 But I was so, I was wrapped so tight. 56 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:23,480 I was out sick for two weeks with the chicken pox 57 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:27,200 and I got like behind on like my multiplication tables. 58 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,160 And I was just like in a, 59 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:33,120 just like in a walking panic for months about that. 60 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,160 And no one was upset about it. 61 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,680 Like I didn't even really have particularly strict parents. 62 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:42,040 I don't know why I was so worried about this. 63 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:43,720 And I also around, like seriously, 64 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,040 like we're nine years old. 65 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:49,840 I got it into my head that I was like a really bad person. 66 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,400 I wasn't raised in a religious family. 67 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:55,720 So I didn't have like a church telling me about sin, 68 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,200 but I was convinced. 69 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:58,640 That I was gonna burn in hell. 70 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,320 And like I had all this evidence that I was collecting. 71 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:04,320 Like one time I had a slumber party when I was about nine. 72 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:08,120 All my friends came over and we just did like little kid stuff 73 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:09,280 where we got up to no good. 74 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:13,080 Like we sent a pizza to somebody's house who didn't order it. 75 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:17,600 And I blew this so out of proportion for months afterwards 76 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,200 of just like what kind of a person. 77 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,960 They opened that door. 78 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:22,840 What if they didn't have the money 79 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,200 to pay for that pizza that night? 80 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,240 They're stuck having to pay for it. 81 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,120 I'm destroyed. 82 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:28,120 They're destroying lives. 83 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:29,560 I mean, it was ridiculous. 84 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:31,520 And I, but I was dead serious. 85 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,080 And I didn't tell anyone that I was feeling this way. 86 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,560 I just, you know, kept going. 87 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,800 That was just like what it was like to be me. 88 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,520 And I was very socially, super socially anxious. 89 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,040 I would like plan conversations the night before, 90 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:46,560 you know, like they'll walk in and they'll say hi. 91 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,320 And then I'll be like, oh, hi. 92 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,160 You know? 93 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:50,760 And like, I would like practice it in my head. 94 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:54,320 And that was just like 24 hours a day, how I was doing life. 95 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:56,480 I did not start seriously. 96 00:03:56,480 --> 00:04:00,880 Drinking and using until after high school. 97 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:04,880 So I just lived that way for, you know, for a long time. 98 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:05,880 That was just life. 99 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,520 And I didn't know, I didn't even really conceptualize 100 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:09,760 that it could be different. 101 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,160 That's just how, what I thought being a human being was. 102 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,960 And then the first time I got loaded is when I learned, 103 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,120 you know, that it doesn't have to be like that. 104 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:23,400 I got drunk and used drugs at the same time, the same day. 105 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:26,320 I drank some shots and I did. 106 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,120 I did a few lines of crystal meth. 107 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:32,840 And that was just like from just a lifetime of sobriety, 108 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:33,960 just right into it. 109 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:38,800 And it was probably the, it was a religious experience, 110 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:39,600 if nothing else. 111 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,600 Like I just did not know that it could feel that way 112 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:43,800 to be in a human body. 113 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:47,200 I felt totally comfortable in who I was. 114 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:50,560 I forgave myself for, you know, the pizza from 10 years ago 115 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,520 or whatever it was, you know, I was just like, 116 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:53,920 everything was fine. 117 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:59,120 And I knew, I remember thinking that day 118 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,920 that like, I would be willing to give my life over to this. 119 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,680 Like I had a whole other life ready to happen, right? 120 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:08,200 I'd been a pretty good kid and I was going to college. 121 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,840 This was like right after high school. 122 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:12,640 And I'd never been in any real trouble. 123 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,720 And in that moment though, I decided like, 124 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,640 I will give my life over to this. 125 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,720 Whatever it takes for me is fine. 126 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,200 I don't want it to take anything, 127 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,080 but I have to have this thing. 128 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:23,200 And for a while, it was like, okay, I'm gonna do this. 129 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,160 And for a while, it made my life better. 130 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,600 There's no question about that. 131 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,080 I would say from like, I don't even know how long, 132 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,320 but roughly let's say 18 to 20 years old, 133 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:32,720 it made my life better. 134 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,680 I became somewhat of an optimist. 135 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:40,040 I became someone who felt comfortable around other people 136 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,360 who thought like I had a bright future, 137 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,080 who was looking forward to things. 138 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:48,400 And it's not clear exactly when it turned, 139 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,920 but I've gotten sober a few times. 140 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,320 And the first time I got sober was in my mid-20s. 141 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:57,320 And somewhere between like when it made my life better, 142 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:00,800 between 18 and 20, and then when I was 26 years old, 143 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:05,800 it became that I was stealing pain medication from my father, 144 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,840 that I was having seizures when I was sober, 145 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:14,600 that I was just basically suicidal every day, 146 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:18,800 just because I was, unless I was efficiently drunk or high, 147 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:21,680 I was in some sort of withdrawal at all times. 148 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,840 And just like in that, you know, agonizing, 149 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,160 like your bones hurt, 150 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,680 like you can't get through the next five minutes kind of a way. 151 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,960 But I kept trying to do a normal life 152 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,440 for those six years too. 153 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,480 Like I kept, you know, 154 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,400 certain things didn't get better, right? 155 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,560 Like I couldn't seem to get out of my parents' house 156 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:40,680 for very long. 157 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:43,600 And even though I kept going to college, 158 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,560 I just never graduated. 159 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,520 I just kept going and going. 160 00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:50,920 When I was 26, when I got sober, I had not finished yet. 161 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:56,000 I would go every semester and sign up and, you know, 162 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,040 got to the point where I would fail out or withdraw 163 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,520 when I had started off like an A student. 164 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,800 And, but I didn't just drop out and give up. 165 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:07,000 I just kept going because he was talking about 166 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,240 like other addictions. 167 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:12,800 My, like a big addiction I have is people believing 168 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:13,760 that I'm fine. 169 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,920 That is an addiction that I struggle with to this day 170 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:19,240 is convincing you that everything's fine. 171 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:20,920 So I don't think I've ever in my life, you know, 172 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:25,920 in my life had a period of time where I was just somebody 173 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:30,680 who like no one ever knew what I was doing. 174 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,680 And there was also never a time in my life 175 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:36,520 where I just like could have a beer after work with people. 176 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,840 I was either someone who hadn't started drinking yet, 177 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:44,720 or I was someone whose drinking was so bad 178 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,600 that it could only be done in a hidden way. 179 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:50,120 And people knew when we're talking and worried about me, 180 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:50,840 or I was sober. 181 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,600 And everybody agreed I should be staying sober. 182 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,880 And I'd never just like went to a restaurant 183 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,480 and like had a margarita like a normal person. 184 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:02,920 It was always some version of people were concerned. 185 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:07,040 And so during, you know, that first stint 186 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,800 of trying to convince everyone everything was okay. 187 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:13,360 My, the pain medication I was stealing from my father, 188 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:18,360 he had a tumor in his spine started when he was about 40. 189 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:18,840 And he had a tumor in his spine started when he was about 40. 190 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:19,840 And he had a tumor in his spine started when he was about 40. 191 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:20,840 And he had a tumor in his spine started when he was about 40. 192 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,920 And had to be on a lot of pain medications 193 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,840 for most of his life after that. 194 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:30,200 And when I discovered how well those went with a hangover 195 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,480 or with times that I could not be drunk, 196 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:35,720 like in the morning, I would start taking them, 197 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,600 but I would not take them all, right? 198 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:41,240 Because I wasn't gonna commit to this in any way, right? 199 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,360 So I would take just enough for today 200 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,960 and then get through that day. 201 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,280 And then the next morning when I needed more, 202 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:50,240 I'd have to get more. 203 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,760 And so this involves things like bringing into their house 204 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,200 at three o'clock in the morning 205 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,720 and like crawling on my hands and knees 206 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,880 to the drawer next to his bed. 207 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:02,000 And then just taking, if I needed three, then I took three. 208 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,160 And just having to live like that, 209 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:07,000 even after everyone knew this was happening, right? 210 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:10,440 Even after he'd hidden them and gotten a safe 211 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,160 and they found me on their floor 212 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,560 at three o'clock in the morning, 213 00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:16,400 I still never said like, hey, I have a problem. 214 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:20,040 It was still, I wouldn't even openly steal yet. 215 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:21,840 I would still pretend like I was someone 216 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,320 who did not have a problem. 217 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:27,960 And so I did get sober at that age. 218 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:32,880 And it didn't last until today, 219 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,640 but it was a really monumental sobriety for me 220 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:40,560 in the sense that I went to detox for the first time. 221 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,080 I went to Tarzana Treatment Center 222 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:45,440 and I went there thinking, yep, everyone's been to Tarzana. 223 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,080 I know. 224 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:49,920 I went there thinking like, if I can just stop, 225 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:52,080 if I can stop being physically addicted to all this stuff, 226 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:55,520 to alcohol and to pills, then I can just start over. 227 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:58,040 Like the reason I'm living like this is 228 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:01,280 because when I don't, I'm so sick. 229 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:05,400 So I went there and I got clean for the first time 230 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,200 since I gotten myself into this. 231 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,280 And right away, I stayed sober at that point, 232 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:13,400 but I found out how wrong I was. 233 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:16,240 Like this problem did not go away 234 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,160 when I stopped being physically addicted. 235 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,240 Like my mind was still there. 236 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:25,480 I was once again, a sober person who was incredibly anxious, 237 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:29,120 who was overthinking everything that I said or did. 238 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:34,160 And I was like, because of that, I was such a liar. 239 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,880 And I don't mean like big international crime lying, 240 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:38,760 nothing like that. 241 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:42,080 I mean like lying about how much I paid for something 242 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:45,000 because I didn't know if you thought I'd overpaid 243 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,000 or underpaid. 244 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,240 And so I was like trying, if you were like, 245 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,080 I like that shirt. 246 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,120 How much did you pay? 247 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,080 I'm like naming a price that I think you'll think 248 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,960 is what a person would pay for that. 249 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,160 I never considered telling you what I actually paid. 250 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:02,000 Like everything I said was an attempt for you to be like, 251 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,000 yes, I agree with the decisions that you're making. 252 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,760 And constantly, I mean like the question, 253 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,160 what did you do this weekend? 254 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:13,520 Like I did not ever simply answer that question. 255 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,360 Like everything I'd really done either sound like not enough, 256 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,080 like how a loser would have spent their weekend 257 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:19,120 or maybe too much, 258 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,000 like somebody who doesn't know how to relax. 259 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,280 So I just never ever truthfully answered that. 260 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:28,400 I mean, there were some people who knew truth about my life, 261 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:32,480 but it was, or another tactic I used was just deflecting. 262 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:33,320 Right? 263 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,880 Like if you asked me when I did that weekend, 264 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:38,720 I would quickly be like, oh, weekend. 265 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:39,800 So what did you do? 266 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:44,800 And like literally I would have friends that for years 267 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:46,560 who knew nothing about me, 268 00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:47,880 who didn't know what I did for a living. 269 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:51,720 Who didn't know where I lived and we felt close. 270 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:53,160 I would have called them my best friends. 271 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:57,360 I knew a lot about them and they didn't know anything about me. 272 00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,560 And that was just like, that's okay. 273 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:02,920 So that is the dark side of my first sobriety. 274 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:06,720 But there was like some really magical parts to it too, right? 275 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,640 Like I did start going to AA right after Tarzana 276 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:11,800 and I learned about sobriety for the first time. 277 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:16,680 And I met other people who had the same problem that I had. 278 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:21,000 And then, and I did start picking up certain things 279 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,920 that changed me then and have changed me to this day. 280 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:28,640 So like one of those things was, I always tell this one, 281 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,800 cause this I think will stand out till the day I die. 282 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:34,040 But my, you know, you guys all know in AA, 283 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:35,560 it's a lot about like, you know, 284 00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:38,840 a big part of emotional recovery is thinking about someone else 285 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:39,840 instead of yourself, right? 286 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,400 That's like the crux of how we get out of this, 287 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,880 like obsessive thinking about ourselves. 288 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,440 And at first, I think like a lot of people, 289 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:50,200 I was confused about being told I was self-obsessed 290 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,240 because I knew I hated myself. 291 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,600 I just didn't realize that spending all day, 292 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:58,480 everyday thinking about that was still self-obsession. 293 00:12:58,480 --> 00:12:59,920 Especially if I would think about that, 294 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,640 like while you were telling me about you, 295 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:06,440 that that is still, it doesn't have to, that still counts. 296 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:11,400 And so I had to go to a party early on in that first sobriety 297 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:14,200 and I didn't believe anything about AA at first. 298 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:17,320 By the way, I was going because everyone knew 299 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,080 how badly I had screwed up my life 300 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,240 and I didn't know what else to do. 301 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,680 But I would go home from meetings and like Google, 302 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,280 like AA is a cult. 303 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,720 And like, like I had a to-do list I found years later 304 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,880 where like number three was like, find a way out of AA. 305 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,760 You know, like I was going, but it was not like, 306 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,160 even that was kind of a lie. 307 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,080 Like I was like, I was not drinking or using, 308 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:40,480 but my belief was a lie. 309 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,800 And the first time anything that was told to me, 310 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,880 anything that was told here worked was when my sponsor, 311 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,480 I had to go to a party and I was like, 312 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:49,320 super, super self-conscious. 313 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,680 It was a lot of people from my family were gonna be there. 314 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:55,640 People that I know knew that I was a grown woman 315 00:13:55,640 --> 00:14:00,000 who had not managed to do anything but themselves. 316 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,640 And I just, to me, the party, 317 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,880 the whole point of this party felt like everyone 318 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,240 getting together to look at me, 319 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:07,960 the person who had screwed up their life. 320 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,880 Obviously that no one even cared that I was going. 321 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,800 Like that, it was like a family party. 322 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:13,760 It had nothing to do. 323 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:14,640 With me. 324 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,200 But she was like, when you get there, 325 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,800 do things for people, right? 326 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,840 Just be like, oh, can I throw that out for you? 327 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,520 Or can I get you another drink? 328 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:25,000 Or ask people like, how did your year go? 329 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,440 And this sounded like the stupidest advice 330 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:28,480 I'd ever heard in my life, 331 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,520 because now I was not only gonna be the loser, 332 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,160 but I was gonna be like the loser who didn't even know it. 333 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:34,640 Like I was still perky and happy. 334 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:37,720 Like I wasn't even cool enough to be ashamed of myself. 335 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,160 And, but I tried it, I did it. 336 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:43,680 And it was the most relaxed I'd ever felt. 337 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,160 Sober in my life. 338 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:46,760 Like it, it actually worked. 339 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:50,680 Like nobody, when I started just talking to people about like, 340 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:51,840 oh, I heard you started a business. 341 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:52,680 Tell me about that. 342 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,040 Like that is all that interaction was about. 343 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,080 It was not about the, I mean, 344 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,240 what I now know is that they hadn't been spending the year 345 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:01,000 thinking about what I've been doing with my life. 346 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:01,840 They did not care. 347 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:05,200 I mean, they loved me, but they were doing their own thing. 348 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:08,440 And another one on that same kind of like theme 349 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:12,200 that stuck out for me is early on in AA, I got asked to 350 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:16,800 speak like 10 minutes, like in my first year or so. 351 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,120 And afterwards I was walking around the meeting, 352 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:20,680 just feeling like I should go home. 353 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,560 Like, I'm so horrified by how badly that went. 354 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,840 Like, I don't even think I can come back here anymore. 355 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,640 And some guy came up to me at the break and he was like, 356 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,840 oh, thanks for reading chapter five. 357 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:33,880 And he didn't even remember what I had done at the, 358 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:37,240 like nobody, not only did they not remember what I said, 359 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,720 a certain number of people didn't even remember I'd spoke 360 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,720 like 10 minutes after it happened. 361 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,840 He kind of knew I'd been at the podium. 362 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,040 Like he thought maybe I'd read something. 363 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:50,040 And just like the clarity of how much people were not paying, 364 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:53,560 like all the effort I'd put in trying to convince you 365 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:56,840 I'd paid just the right amount for a lamp didn't matter. 366 00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:00,960 Like that is not, it was only me living in that insanity. 367 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,400 Nobody else was like, 368 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,680 doesn't Wendy always pay the right price for lamps? 369 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,080 And you're like, yeah, she's fantastic. 370 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,320 But that is just like, it was eye-opening. 371 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,520 So that, so it did like, it did change my life. 372 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,720 That's sobriety and it, and it lasted for nine years. 373 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:19,480 And then it, and then it didn't, and I don't a hundred percent know. 374 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,800 Like when, so when I, I've thought a lot about the whys. 375 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,280 So I got sober with a lot of people who are still really good friends of mine today. 376 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,320 And a lot of them are still sober. 377 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,960 They have the time I would have had if I'd never relapsed. 378 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,560 And like any still self-obsessed person, 379 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:34,960 I spend a lot of time thinking about like, 380 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,360 what is different about them? 381 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:39,280 You know, like we all kept going to meetings. 382 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,200 We all kept having a sponsor. 383 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:48,480 What is, why is mine seems so much messier and I'm never going to have an answer to that. 384 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:51,040 I honestly, I'm not even sure at this point that it matters. 385 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:55,920 Like in order for me to have a good life, I have to like find a way to be sober, you know, 386 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:59,600 whether I was sober yesterday or not, like I have to be sober today. 387 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:04,880 But I, you know, obviously I, I want to be able to give some sort of reason for it. 388 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,840 But one thing that it does seem true is like in this, 389 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:11,120 I guess is the definition of alcoholism is no matter how long I've been sober, 390 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:16,800 at a certain point or how many times drinking and using has just like knocked me down. 391 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,800 If I'm not paying attention, like alcoholism walks into the room 392 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,480 and it's wearing a new outfit this time. 393 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:23,600 And I just don't see it. 394 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:27,920 I'm just like, oh my God, it's my old friend who's here, who made me feel so good. 395 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:28,400 I'm so happy. 396 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,960 And everyone who knows me is like, are you crazy? 397 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,120 This is just a different version. 398 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:39,760 This one maybe came in a prescription or this one is, you know, but it's the same thing. 399 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:40,960 Like, don't let this. 400 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:41,840 Thing into the room. 401 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,840 And I'm always like, no, I think, I think I need to let this thing in the room. 402 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:49,600 Like she was such a good friend of mine and everyone else can see. 403 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:54,720 And anyone who's seen me with that, including now my wife knows like that. 404 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,560 No, that's not a good thing. 405 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,640 Like let that out of your life. 406 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:02,400 But when it shows up again, to me, it looks like my friend. 407 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:09,360 And so I can't, you know, really rely on my own assessment of that for no matter how much 408 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:10,720 alcoholism does to me. 409 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:10,960 Yeah. 410 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,440 That is like life destroying and soul destroying. 411 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:17,840 At least until recently, when she shows up again, she looks like a friend. 412 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:22,960 And, um, and so I have to do, I have to do sobriety, even though there's like 30% of 413 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:27,040 my brain at any given time, that doesn't totally think I need to be sober. 414 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:27,600 Like that is. 415 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:32,480 That might change someday, but as for right now, 70% of me knows that if I'm not sober, 416 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:37,120 my life's going to go up in flames again, because it has always gone up in flames. 417 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:40,240 But even knowing that 30% of me thinks. 418 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:40,560 Yeah. 419 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:47,680 That I need to find some way to have something like alcohol in my system in order to feel 420 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:48,160 better. 421 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:52,800 And so all I know to do right now is to just live with that, to acknowledge that there's 422 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:58,480 that part of me living in my brain and to accept it like as in trying to accept everything. 423 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:04,160 And I wish it wasn't there because she is the most annoying visitor in my head ever. 424 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,360 She's never satisfied. 425 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:10,080 She's constantly, constantly forgetting the way things were, but she's there and that's 426 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,520 the way it is right now. 427 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:18,560 But I, you know, even with all of that, you know, even with that going on seemingly indefinitely 428 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:24,880 so far you know, it's still a hundred percent true always that, you know, I feel better 429 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:25,920 when I'm honest. 430 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:33,200 And when I think about someone else instead of myself, that I have a better day when I 431 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:35,120 stay in the moment, I have a better day. 432 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:40,000 I'm always, always, always trying to get back into being like a regular meditator because I do. 433 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,600 I don't live in the moment at all. 434 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:45,360 Like just like when I was eight and I would be up all night thinking about how I was going 435 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:46,560 to ruin my life. 436 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:50,080 I'm mostly thinking about how I'm going to ruin my life. 437 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:50,720 Right. 438 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:56,720 I wake up in the morning and I'm like, what mistake am I going to make it work today that 439 00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:01,920 like I lose my job and my license and then we're going to be homeless pretty soon. 440 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:05,120 And like, um, and not like nothing's happening that day. 441 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,400 She's not worried about this at all. 442 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,760 Um, and so when I can, when I'm. 443 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:15,120 I can meditate on a regular basis, even just like 10 minutes a day, it just gets me, uh, 444 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:21,040 enough in the moment to realize like what's actually happening is I have like a wonderful 445 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:25,120 marriage and we have a beautiful home and I have a job that I really like that I'm pretty 446 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:30,400 good at, uh, that we're, our life is pretty spoiled in a lot of ways. 447 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:36,240 Uh, and honestly, I'm not really that different from other alcoholics or drug addicts or anybody, 448 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:37,200 anybody with any kind. 449 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,360 Like my story is not that unique. 450 00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:39,600 We're. 451 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:45,760 That it feels somehow if I let myself get into a pity party, like, is this one harder 452 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,640 than you can fill in the blank with someone I know who stays over? 453 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,000 I'm like, is mine harder. 454 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:56,000 But I know that, that alcoholism is like, by definition, it is tricky. 455 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,800 It is like, it's uncomfortable. 456 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:05,680 And I am lucky enough to just be standing here on August 21st. 457 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:06,080 Second. 458 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:06,720 Thank you. 459 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:07,840 August 22nd. 460 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:08,880 Totally sober. 461 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:09,440 Like. 462 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:10,480 Thank God. 463 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:16,320 I mean, the number of ways I've tried to just destroy that, you know, um, the number of 464 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:20,240 times that I've made decisions that would not make that possible. 465 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:23,120 And yet still somehow I'm standing here today. 466 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:24,880 Um, completely sober. 467 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:27,200 I do have a, a sponsor now. 468 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,880 She is actually, these lights haven't gone on, so I still have time, right? 469 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:31,360 Yeah. 470 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:31,920 Okay, good. 471 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:32,400 Okay. 472 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,040 So I just want to make sure they didn't break or anything. 473 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,120 And I would just have going and going 10 minutes. 474 00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:38,000 Okay, perfect. 475 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,280 So I have a sponsor now. 476 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:44,240 Um, she is one of the first people I met in AA. 477 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:47,680 She's been my friend for like almost 20 years now. 478 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:52,720 Um, and so I never thought I would have, um, like a sponsor who's a friend of mine that 479 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,160 seemed kind of messy. 480 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:58,720 Um, but she is the third sponsor I've had. 481 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:05,120 And, um, unfortunately in the past, what would happen is I was happy sponsors where like, 482 00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:09,040 um, again, like I was, they had so much more time than me. 483 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:11,760 Or they only knew me as my sponsor. 484 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:16,320 And so I just could not get away from like, feeling like I wanted to tell them what they 485 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:17,120 wanted to hear. 486 00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,400 Like I, every time I called, I would hope they wouldn't answer. 487 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:27,360 Um, and then if they did, I would, you know, just, if I wasn't putting like 110% effort 488 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,200 into it, I'd be like, everything's good. 489 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:29,440 Yeah. 490 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,200 I'm not having any concerns today. 491 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:36,480 Um, and that just, I mean, that doesn't work. 492 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:39,040 I don't even sure that's, there were still stuff I could get. 493 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:39,600 Out of that. 494 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,240 They could, they still managed over the years to give me direction. 495 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:43,760 Like I said, that was life changing. 496 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:49,360 But the good thing about having this friend of mine sponsor me is, um, she's known me 497 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:50,720 for so long, just as my friend. 498 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:54,240 So she already knows a whole bunch of stuff about me that I never would have wanted to 499 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:55,440 tell a sponsor. 500 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:59,920 Uh, she actually apparently has been forming opinions about what I should do differently 501 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,600 for like 15 years also. 502 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:08,720 So like she was ready for this, so that's, uh, and you know, she's just like enough of 503 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:13,040 a, like a loving non-judgmental person where I don't mind that either. 504 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:13,360 Right. 505 00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:18,960 Like, it's funny to me that she has some ideas about my life, but it also means that I can 506 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,640 call her three days in a row. 507 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:25,680 Um, not feeling better than the day before or three days in a row where I'm fine, you 508 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,240 know, but I don't have to like watch what I say, right. 509 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,960 I never had to, but I always felt like I did. 510 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,840 You know, I would always be amazed when I would hear other people call their sponsor 511 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,400 and just tell them exactly how it was going. 512 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:37,920 And they didn't feel the need to. 513 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,920 This is kind of a weird one, but they didn't feel the need to always make it look like 514 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,520 the sponsor's advice works. 515 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,680 So this is a trap I'd always run into. 516 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:50,800 So say I called them with like, just a totally boring problem, like a work problem. 517 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:52,080 And they were like, try this. 518 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:54,320 And I try it and it didn't really work. 519 00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:58,080 I don't feel like I can go back and tell them that because I have to present it as like 520 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:00,080 your sponsorship really worked in this case. 521 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:05,520 So now I'm stuck because I actually need more help or I need to talk about this more, but 522 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,440 I'm finding myself being like, yeah, I did that. 523 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,040 And everything's different now. 524 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:10,560 I don't know what that is. 525 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:15,920 I mean, I'm pretty sure it came from my mom, to be honest, but I it's mine now. 526 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:21,440 And I, I clearly not everyone has it because I watched, I've sponsored people in the past 527 00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:24,800 where time after time, they're like, Hey, your sponsorship didn't work and they didn't 528 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:28,000 seem to care at all, but I worry about it quite a bit. 529 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:34,080 And so it is the, the amount of effort I just put into on a daily basis of just being honest 530 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,320 about who I really am. 531 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:37,360 What's really happened. 532 00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:42,960 The way I'm really feeling, but then not so much too, that I forget to be grateful also, 533 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:50,320 like not so honest that I let my mind like convince me that things are the way my mind 534 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:57,680 thinks they are too, because I also need someone to tell me that, you know, my version of reality 535 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:02,480 is based on the fact that in a lot of ways, I'm still that kid who thinks being behind 536 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:07,200 on your multiplication tables is the end of the world and all of that, like that is, that's the, 537 00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:07,600 that's the, that's the key. 538 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:09,440 Newscast I'm getting from my brain. 539 00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:11,360 And that's a lie too. 540 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:18,160 So, um, this sounds so stupid and so silly, but like, uh, my wife and her in this thing 541 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,720 where a lot of times she'll be like, oh, do you have more work to do tonight? 542 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:24,320 Um, because she just wants to know, like, are we going to have dinner early or whatever? 543 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:28,320 And what I hear is like, and she's never once said this, this just came from inside is like, 544 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:32,400 I hope your work is all done because otherwise you're not a very efficient person. 545 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,000 And our life is going to suck. 546 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,200 And so anytime someone asks me something like, 547 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:40,400 are you done for work or is it going to be another hour now? 548 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:43,600 I'm now I'm just like, I'm trapped, you know? 549 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:50,320 And like, because literally I'm just dealing with a crazy person running my thoughts, you know, 550 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:56,720 just telling me that I have to not be honest somehow about whether or not I finished my work 551 00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,600 for the day yet, or if I need another 45 minutes. 552 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:04,880 And, um, you know, but speaking of my mom, who I mentioned another minute ago, you know, 553 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:06,960 one thing that really makes me so grateful. 554 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:11,440 For the fact that I fell into AA so young, you know, whether I stayed sober the whole 555 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,520 time or not is, um, thank you. 556 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:18,320 I talked to my mom fairly regularly, especially, uh, my dad died maybe about five or six years 557 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:18,640 ago. 558 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:23,360 And so I've been talking to her pretty regularly on the phone since then, and really gotten 559 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:24,480 to know her better. 560 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:31,440 And I don't mean this as a, as an insult at all, but, uh, she is a lot who I would be 561 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:35,920 without if I hadn't had any program or any something therapy, something, you know, um, 562 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:39,920 because she just a hundred percent believes her own head, right? 563 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,440 Like it never occurs to her. 564 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:45,840 If she feels nervous about something, it's because that thing is dangerous. 565 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:50,960 And I have been so saved by, by the. 566 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:55,280 Like people teaching me that what I'm thinking is not the truth. 567 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,440 Alcoholism runs a lot in my family. 568 00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:02,960 Um, my dad was an alcoholic, um, and kind of everybody on his side of the family that 569 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:04,800 I'm related to is an alcoholic. 570 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:05,040 But. 571 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:05,280 But. 572 00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:09,600 But much like me, there's a lot of secret alcoholism in my family. 573 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:16,400 So, um, my dad's sister actually died of alcoholism, but I never knew till I was an 574 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:23,600 adult that she even drank because no one like at our family Christmases would drink openly, 575 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:23,920 right? 576 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:28,560 All the alcoholics had bottles in their purse that they would drink in the bathroom. 577 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:32,960 And then everyone came out and pretended to all the other alcoholics that they were not 578 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:33,280 drinking. 579 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:35,120 There was never a bottle of wine on the table. 580 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,520 I know this is just what I got. 581 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:38,240 I come by this. 582 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:42,560 Honestly, I don't know why we're like this, but I didn't even know how much alcoholism 583 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:43,440 was in my family. 584 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:48,080 And, and my dad genuinely did get sober when I was very young, when I was three years old. 585 00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:51,520 He'd been quite the open, terrible alcoholic before that. 586 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:53,520 Um, but he never got AA. 587 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:55,200 He didn't, he didn't do program either. 588 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:59,040 He didn't even do like Christianity the way John's dad did. 589 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:01,280 He just stopped drinking. 590 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:04,400 And again, it's just, it was an example to me. 591 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:04,960 Uh, I loved drinking. 592 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:10,240 I love my dad, but an example to me of what would have happened to me if I never run into 593 00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,480 some sort of recovery in my life. 594 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:18,640 You know, he, by the, by the time he died, he was someone who, um, carried a gun around 595 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:24,320 with him and Kate, because one time he was at a Walmart and someone insulted him in the 596 00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,720 parking lot verbally that they didn't threaten him. 597 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:28,720 And he waited for them outside for the gun. 598 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:29,920 And then they didn't come. 599 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:33,120 He never actually like shot anyone or ended up in prison. 600 00:28:33,120 --> 00:28:34,000 He was just. 601 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:34,440 Yeah. 602 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:36,120 Suburban crazy, right? 603 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:37,320 Like he's just so lucky. 604 00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:38,520 Nothing ever happened. 605 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:45,080 He, he like myself could somewhat put a regular life around him, but otherwise was just completely 606 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:48,760 insane because of his own fear and anxiety and self-hatred. 607 00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:53,240 And, um, I, I, I will always be grateful. 608 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:57,400 Not, you know, not only for, for the long stretches of sobriety, but just for, you know, 609 00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:00,120 anyone pointing out to me that my head is wrong. 610 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,160 There's so much relief from pain in that. 611 00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:04,280 Um, and just the. 612 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:09,080 The community of people I found who are all so open about just what it's like to be them 613 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:12,760 and what it's like to be a person, you know, I will forever be grateful for. 614 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:13,720 And that, that is it. 615 00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,240 Thank you again, Abraham, so much. 616 00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:16,040 For having me.