1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 Uh, Roque Alcoholic. I want to thank Abraham for asking me to come out here. 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,000 I got my number, you know. 3 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:15,000 And, uh, told me Pacoima gave you the number. 4 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:20,000 You know, and, uh, yeah, I go there sometimes. 5 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:25,000 I didn't think they considered me a speaker there, you know, but, uh, 6 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:30,000 I came to AA in 1993. 7 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:35,000 I'd love to tell you I've been sober since then, but I haven't. In 2008, I drank again. 8 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:40,000 After 15 and a half years, you know, I drank. 9 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:45,000 You know, it's funny because I drank because I thought that I was just too young to be sober. 10 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:50,000 You know, I was like, I was 25, you know, 25. Now I'm a grown man. 11 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,000 I'm not going to misbehave anymore. 12 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,000 And I have responsibilities now. I have a job. 13 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:59,000 I have, you know, I got stuff to take care of. 14 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:03,000 I even have kids now, you know, that, that I, uh, that I oversee. 15 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,000 You know, back then I didn't oversee them, you know. 16 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:11,000 But now I'm sober and I, you know, I have a kid that I love and I'm going to be part of his life. 17 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:15,000 And, uh, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't that way before 1990. 18 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:18,000 I had a kid that I still haven't seen, you know. 19 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,000 I haven't seen him and he's 1987. 20 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,000 So whatever that is, makes me almost 40 years old, you know. 21 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,000 He's like 39 and, uh, I still haven't seen him. 22 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:34,000 And, uh, but yeah, you know, so just so you know, I, I've been sober since July 27, 2015. 23 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:38,000 Uh, and, uh, I haven't, you know, I haven't drank again, thank God, you know. 24 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,000 And I don't want to drink anymore, you know. 25 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:50,000 And even back then, you know, when I was, when I was, uh, when I was sober, I used to tell my, tell myself and share at meetings that I would never drink again. 26 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,000 That my kids never will see me drunk again. 27 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,000 Bless you. 28 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,000 Bless you. 29 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,000 Anything like that, that I was sober. 30 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,000 Did we have something on TV? 31 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:58,000 Yeah. 32 00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,000 The voice. 33 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,000 And I loved it. 34 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,000 You have to do, um. 35 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,000 And then it's funny that one day the thought crossed my mind. 36 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,000 Don't say it. 37 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,000 I'm thinking hard about it. 38 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,000 It just crossed my mind. 39 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:08,000 Right now you're on speaker. 40 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,000 I can be able to drink now. 41 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,000 Go to disconnect my auto. 42 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,000 Funny, right? 43 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,000 Where does that thinking come from? 44 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,000 The book says that that happens to us. 45 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:20,000 That we forget, you know, about the suffering about a month of a week of a month, you know. 46 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,000 On TV. 47 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,000 On TV. 48 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,000 We forget about all that stuff. 49 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:26,000 And the thought of drinking just crosses our mind and just, you just drink. 50 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,000 Yeah. 51 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,000 I mean, it's the truth for everybody. 52 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:29,000 I'm married. 53 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,000 You know, some people have been sober since the first day they came. 54 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,000 You know. 55 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,000 I don't know how to do it. 56 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,000 A lot of us don't. 57 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:36,000 You know, they come and then we forget. 58 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,000 I'm doing better. 59 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,000 All right. 60 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,000 Same here. 61 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:40,000 Took me 15 years to do better. 62 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,000 You know. 63 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,000 It wasn't right away. 64 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:46,000 It wasn't in my first 90 days where I was like, oh, I'm doing great now, you know. 65 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,000 No, it took me a long time to get better. 66 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,000 Because I didn't practice. 67 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:55,000 I didn't really take like program, you know, serious about it. 68 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,000 But it was like, I was, you know, like people get a sponsor. 69 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,000 And I'll be like, okay, I get a sponsor. 70 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,000 Because my girlfriend wanted me to get a sponsor. 71 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:06,000 You know, she goes, if you want to date me, you've got to get a sponsor. 72 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,000 You know, I'm like, I wanted what she had. 73 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:13,000 So, yeah, I'm going to take the steps necessary to do what I got to do. 74 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,000 You know. 75 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,000 And so I did stuff like that. 76 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,000 You know. 77 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,000 I hung out with people that were being active. 78 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,000 They like central office. 79 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,000 You know. 80 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,000 They work at central. 81 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:28,000 I'd go to central office and answer the phone and have them ring my house up. 82 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,000 And I do. 83 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,000 And I had a panel. 84 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,000 I did all kinds of stuff sober my first 15 years. 85 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,000 I had a panel for eight years at Acton. 86 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,000 Right. 87 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,000 The night before I drank. 88 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,000 After 15 years, I was at Acton the night before. 89 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,000 It wasn't a month or two months before. 90 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,000 It was the night before. 91 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,000 And I even looked out to the crowd. 92 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,000 I remember that day. 93 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,000 I can remember because I knew I didn't want to be sober anymore. 94 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,000 You know. 95 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:53,000 I overreacted on how bad I was. 96 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,000 You know. 97 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:58,000 But the truth is, is like the next day I was at a family party. 98 00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,000 Family party. 99 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,000 Birthday. 100 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,000 You know. 101 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,000 And somebody offered me a beer. 102 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,000 And I took. 103 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,000 And I just took it. 104 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,000 And I drank it. 105 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,000 And 15 years of sobriety disappeared in like one swig. 106 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,000 Didn't like, you know. 107 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,000 It just disappeared. 108 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:14,000 I couldn't go back the next day and say, hey, I took a one swig. 109 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,000 You know. 110 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,000 You know. 111 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:17,000 Forgive me. 112 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,000 You know. 113 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,000 And AA, it's funny. 114 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,000 They don't forgive you for one drink. 115 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,000 You know. 116 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,000 You got to like pay the whole cost. 117 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,000 You know. 118 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:24,000 It's like, yeah. 119 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,000 We want our money. 120 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,000 We want our shit back. 121 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,000 You know. 122 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,000 Your sobriety ended right there, buddy. 123 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,000 You know. 124 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,000 And it sucked. 125 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,000 But you know. 126 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,000 I didn't care. 127 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,000 You know. 128 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,000 And it was an exciting party because, you know. 129 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,000 I kind of married into a. 130 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,000 They're nice people. 131 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,000 But they could be a little ghetto. 132 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,000 You know. 133 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,000 So there was a big fight there. 134 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,000 You know. 135 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:41,000 I was like. 136 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,000 You know. 137 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,000 I was thinking my. 138 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,000 I remember my wife at the time. 139 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:47,000 She's like, hey, why don't you try stopping that fight? 140 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,000 I'm like, hell no. 141 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,000 Listen. 142 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,000 Those guys are big. 143 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,000 You know. 144 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,000 And they're like gang members and shit. 145 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,000 You know. 146 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,000 They're going to turn on me. 147 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,000 You know. 148 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,000 Just let them go. 149 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,000 You know. 150 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,000 I'm going to enjoy this shit. 151 00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,000 You know. 152 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,000 And that's what happened the first day I drank. 153 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,000 I was like. 154 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,000 You know. 155 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,000 And then. 156 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,000 And I continued to drink. 157 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,000 You know. 158 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,000 For another seven, eight. 159 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,000 Seven, eight years later. 160 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,000 I think. 161 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,000 That I went out there. 162 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,000 You know. 163 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,000 I had this great obsession. 164 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,000 You know. 165 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,000 Alcoholics Anonymous says we're having a great obsession. 166 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,000 Great. 167 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,000 That one day we're going to control and enjoy. 168 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:19,000 That's it. 169 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,000 That's it. 170 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,000 We don't. 171 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,000 I don't want to go out there and lose control. 172 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,000 I want to be in control. 173 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,000 And have a good time. 174 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,000 You know. 175 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,000 When you're here in meetings. 176 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,000 If you're having a good time. 177 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,000 You're not controlling it. 178 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,000 And if you're controlling it. 179 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,000 You're not having a good time. 180 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,000 You know. 181 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,000 But I did want to control it. 182 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,000 I wanted to be just a regular social drinker. 183 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,000 You know. 184 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,000 Why not? 185 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,000 I never was before. 186 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,000 You know. 187 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,000 Maybe I want to be able to drink some wine. 188 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,000 Or something. 189 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,000 I don't know. 190 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,000 You know. 191 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,000 Or whatever. 192 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,000 Normal drinkers do. 193 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,000 You know. 194 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,000 And I did drink wine. 195 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,000 I was like. 196 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,000 I don't like wine. 197 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,000 I don't like wine. 198 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,000 I like. 199 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,000 I like beer. 200 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:53,000 And fucking. 201 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,000 Hard booze. 202 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,000 You know. 203 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,000 And not too much hard booze. 204 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,000 Because a lot of bad shit happens when I drink hard booze. 205 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,000 You know. 206 00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,000 I hate myself in the morning. 207 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,000 You know. 208 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,000 I do things like. 209 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,000 Oh my God. 210 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,000 Who is she? 211 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,000 Why is she here? 212 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,000 Oh my God. 213 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,000 I'm sneaking out of the house. 214 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,000 You know. 215 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,000 And yeah. 216 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,000 Stuff like that. 217 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,000 You know. 218 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,000 But anyways. 219 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,000 So I just. 220 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,000 Let me start from the beginning. 221 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,000 I started. 222 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,000 I started. 223 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:19,000 I started sniffing gas and sniffing paint when I was like eight or nine years old. 224 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,000 And that was around older kids. 225 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,000 And you know. 226 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,000 You figure eight or nine. 227 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,000 Where are your parents? 228 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,000 Right? 229 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,000 Well they have ten other kids to worry about. 230 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,000 You know. 231 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,000 So they were just like. 232 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,000 They had no control over me. 233 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,000 And I could do whatever I wanted. 234 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,000 And you know what. 235 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,000 And I felt odd as a kid. 236 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,000 I really did. 237 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,000 I hate to admit it. 238 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,000 Especially like in front of people. 239 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:43,000 I hate to admit that I did feel that way because I always like to feel self-confident or you 240 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,000 know. 241 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,000 With the steam. 242 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,000 You know. 243 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,000 But I didn't have any of that. 244 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,000 But I wanted to. 245 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,000 You know. 246 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,000 I wanted to be like a normal guy. 247 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,000 You know. 248 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,000 And no. 249 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,000 But you know. 250 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:54,000 Getting high made me feel good. 251 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,600 And even the people I hung around with made me feel good too. 252 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:57,600 They were like. 253 00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:58,600 You're one of us. 254 00:06:58,600 --> 00:06:59,600 You know. 255 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,600 Break into this building. 256 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:01,600 You know. 257 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:02,600 For us. 258 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:03,600 You know. 259 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:04,600 Open the door. 260 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:05,600 I'm like. 261 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:06,600 All right. 262 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:07,600 I got in touch with. 263 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:08,600 And it just got worse. 264 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:09,600 You know. 265 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:10,600 Junior high school. 266 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:11,600 I was drinking. 267 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:12,600 You know. 268 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,600 I was like 12 years old. 269 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:14,600 I was drinking every day. 270 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:15,600 Every day I was drinking. 271 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:16,600 You know. 272 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:17,600 I used to get the free lunch program. 273 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:18,600 Get the orange juice. 274 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:19,600 My parents had alcohol at home. 275 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:20,600 And I would steal it. 276 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:21,600 And put it in my orange juice. 277 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:22,600 And I was drinking every day. 278 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:23,600 And then people were selling like crosstops. 279 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:24,600 Whatever. 280 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:25,600 You know. 281 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:26,600 And I would. 282 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:27,600 Every day I was doing that. 283 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:28,600 You know. 284 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:29,600 And yeah. 285 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:30,600 And getting high every day. 286 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:31,600 And I loved it. 287 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:32,600 I loved it. 288 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:33,600 I loved it. 289 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:36,600 I even didn't even mind getting in trouble. 290 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:37,600 You know. 291 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:38,600 I was like. 292 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:39,600 This is part of. 293 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:40,600 You know. 294 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:41,600 I'm a bad ass too. 295 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:42,600 Not only do I party. 296 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:43,600 But I'm a fucking bad ass. 297 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:44,600 Or no cussing. 298 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:45,600 No cussing. 299 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:46,600 Right. 300 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:47,600 But I'm a bad ass. 301 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:48,600 Right. 302 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:49,600 At least I used to think that. 303 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:50,600 You know. 304 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:51,600 I'm like. 305 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:52,600 Yeah. 306 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:53,600 You know. 307 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:54,600 My friends were all bad dudes. 308 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:55,600 You know. 309 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:56,600 And even the girls were bad. 310 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:57,600 You know. 311 00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:58,600 And I liked that about myself. 312 00:07:58,600 --> 00:07:59,600 I liked all that stuff. 313 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:00,600 And you know. 314 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:01,600 I stopped going to school in the eighth grade. 315 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:02,600 You know. 316 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:03,600 And then I was forced to go back to school. 317 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:04,600 Because I went to juvenile home. 318 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:05,600 My probation officer insisted I go to school. 319 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:06,600 And then I said. 320 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:07,600 Okay. 321 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:08,600 I'm going to go to school. 322 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:09,600 But to the school I want to go to. 323 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:10,600 He found out. 324 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:11,600 And says. 325 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:12,600 No. 326 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:13,600 You're going back to where you're supposed to go. 327 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:14,600 Anyways. 328 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,600 I never graduated from junior high school. 329 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:16,600 I never graduated from high school. 330 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:17,600 None of that stuff. 331 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:18,600 Because I was drinking. 332 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:19,600 And I was using drugs. 333 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:20,600 All the time. 334 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,600 All the time. 335 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:22,600 My whole life revolved around that. 336 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:23,600 You know. 337 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:24,600 I. 338 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:25,600 I. 339 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:26,600 I. 340 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:27,600 I. 341 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:28,600 I. 342 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:29,600 I. 343 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:30,600 I. 344 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:31,600 I. 345 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:32,600 I. 346 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:33,600 I. 347 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,600 You know. 348 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:35,600 I used to have like dreams. 349 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:36,600 Like I remember when I was like. 350 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:37,600 Maybe eleven or twelve. 351 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:38,600 It was like. 352 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:39,600 Like. 353 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:40,600 1986. 354 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:41,600 No. 355 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:42,600 It wasn't even before that. 356 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:43,600 Because Marcus Allen. 357 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,600 He used to play for USC. 358 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:46,600 And I said. 359 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:47,600 I want to be like him. 360 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:48,600 You know. 361 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:49,600 Run like the wind. 362 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:50,600 And all that stuff. 363 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:51,600 You know. 364 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:52,600 I'm going to be a football. 365 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,600 And all those dreams went away. 366 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,600 You know. 367 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:55,600 Because I stopped. 368 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:56,600 I stopped. 369 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:57,600 I stopped playing sports. 370 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:58,600 You know. 371 00:08:58,600 --> 00:08:59,600 These guys were my heroes. 372 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:00,600 You know. 373 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:01,600 and more. 374 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:06,140 And then, you know, I used to have posters of them cut out from the magazine, these pinups 375 00:09:06,140 --> 00:09:07,140 and stuff, right? 376 00:09:07,140 --> 00:09:10,840 Next thing you know, I have like Jimmy Page on my wall, you know, Jimi Hendrix with, you 377 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:11,840 know, the mushrooms. 378 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:15,540 And I'm like, these guys became my heroes, you know, you know what I'm saying? 379 00:09:15,540 --> 00:09:19,340 Like, and yeah, it was like, my parents could probably see like something's wrong with this 380 00:09:19,340 --> 00:09:20,340 guy. 381 00:09:20,340 --> 00:09:25,200 He's changed, you know, and I was happy about that, you know, I used to dream like maybe 382 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:29,840 one day I'll party like a rock star, you know, I never did. 383 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:34,080 But you know, I wanted to party like one, you know, and, but yeah, man. 384 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:39,880 And so by the time I was, by the time I was like 17 years old, I was like, done. 385 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,140 I mean, I quit trying to do stuff. 386 00:09:43,140 --> 00:09:45,600 You know, I don't have no, I don't have no skills. 387 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:49,600 I don't have nothing, nothing happened to me, you know, I wasn't a success in school 388 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:50,600 and nothing. 389 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:55,240 It was all failure, failure, failure, failure, you know, and if you pointed it out to me, 390 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:59,820 I would get angry, I would only react in anger, you know, so people never said anything. 391 00:09:59,820 --> 00:10:04,780 I said, you're a loser, you know, but I could see it, you know, and, and I just, and I lived 392 00:10:04,780 --> 00:10:05,780 that way. 393 00:10:05,780 --> 00:10:06,780 I lived that way. 394 00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:11,640 You know, when I was like 19, I got a girl pregnant and, you know, she had a baby. 395 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:12,640 That's the kid I'm talking about. 396 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:13,640 I never saw him. 397 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:17,240 You know, I had a year and a half here, but a year and a half, that was the last time 398 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,360 I got, I got to see him. 399 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:23,100 I went to their house drunk, demanding my, my right to be a dad. 400 00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,060 And they're like, dude, can you go home? 401 00:10:25,060 --> 00:10:26,060 You're drunk. 402 00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:27,060 You know, I'm like, and I, and that's it. 403 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,060 And I never went back. 404 00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:29,060 And people would ask me. 405 00:10:29,060 --> 00:10:30,300 Hey, be at the bar. 406 00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:31,300 Hey, how's your kid doing? 407 00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:35,300 I'm like, ah, you know, that girl's a, you know how she is. 408 00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:39,940 You remember her and, you know, I'd give her all, blame, blame other people for my problems. 409 00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:43,240 You know, I started doing that, not, not, I didn't just start. 410 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:47,460 I had been doing that, you know, blaming other people for my problems, never stopped to look 411 00:10:47,460 --> 00:10:52,300 at what I was doing, you know, um, because, you know, like I said, and like the book tells 412 00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:55,500 us, we love the, the effect produced by alcohol. 413 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,020 I don't want to give that up. 414 00:10:57,020 --> 00:10:58,020 I like it. 415 00:10:58,020 --> 00:10:59,020 I like. 416 00:10:59,060 --> 00:11:00,060 I like to be sloppy. 417 00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:03,860 You know, I remember one time I was all buzzed at my friend's house and, and her mom goes, 418 00:11:03,860 --> 00:11:06,680 damn, Roky, you're a cool dude when you drink. 419 00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:10,060 And I thought, yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying? 420 00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:11,060 You know? 421 00:11:11,060 --> 00:11:13,680 And, and I remember, I never forgot what she told me. 422 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:16,340 Like, I'm a cool dude when I drink, that's my drink. 423 00:11:16,340 --> 00:11:18,520 Now, you know, I drink because I'm cool, you know? 424 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:19,740 And, uh, and I like that. 425 00:11:19,740 --> 00:11:24,060 I like that people saw that about me, you know, I never saw it, but they saw it and 426 00:11:24,060 --> 00:11:26,060 I was like, and it made me feel good, you know? 427 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,060 And I don't want to give that up. 428 00:11:27,060 --> 00:11:33,460 and you know like I said wasn't able to hold on no jobs and by the time I was 19 I could see that 429 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:38,160 I needed help. I really needed help. I mean the probation department knew I needed help and they 430 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:43,400 would send me to you know to their little camp outs and shit. I'm sorry about that. They would 431 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:48,220 send me out to the places and I'd be like okay you know whatever I'm here for because I'm being 432 00:11:48,220 --> 00:11:52,620 punished you know but that you know they they send me I remember they even send me to counseling 433 00:11:52,620 --> 00:11:58,060 they're like hey why don't you go and you know somewhere where you like and you know look at the 434 00:11:58,060 --> 00:12:02,060 beauty in this. I'm like all right I don't know what that means but I went and did it you know 435 00:12:02,060 --> 00:12:06,480 because I didn't know anything and so like whatever that's just the way it was and anyways 436 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:13,080 by the time I was 22 years old man I had tried to quit so many times so many times I tried to quit 437 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:21,120 22 years old. I tried I mean I gave my life to Jesus every weekend man. Yeah I was going there 438 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:22,600 to repent you know. 439 00:12:22,620 --> 00:12:28,220 Get baptized in the spirit. You name it. I was getting all that stuff done so that, you know, 440 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:34,100 somehow I can stop, you know, because when I was 22 years old, I did an inventory of my life. And 441 00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:38,760 I, you know, I'll tell you what happened before that. I was at a, I was at a friend, it was a 442 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:43,340 gathering of friends and I was at the restaurant and they're all talking, you know, my friends 443 00:12:43,340 --> 00:12:48,040 were in the military. They were just getting married. Some of them were buying homes and 444 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:54,180 they were talking about it. And I was just there, you know, no money, right? No job. And I remember 445 00:12:54,180 --> 00:13:00,320 my friend's sister goes, Roky, what have you been doing? And I just, she, it hit me so hard. Like I 446 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:05,260 didn't have no answer for her. I wasn't, cause I, I answered, if I was honest, would have been not 447 00:13:05,260 --> 00:13:10,360 doing anything. I don't have nothing, have nothing going. So what that happened, it was right before 448 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:16,480 I was 22, I remember. And I started to separate myself from people, sought out short places. You 449 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:17,720 read that in the book, right? 450 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:23,900 Sought out short, you know, lower companions, even lower than the ones I was already hanging 451 00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:29,300 out. Because even those people were like, dude, you like take up space here. You know, you're like 452 00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:34,980 taking up air. And I'm like, you know, Hey, whoa, you're offending me. And then I had become like, 453 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:40,260 so dependent on alcohol and drugs that I didn't even feel like I defend myself. Like, man, I'm 454 00:13:40,260 --> 00:13:44,840 so messed up. I can't even do anything about it. You know, even if you talked before, I would be 455 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,960 like, jump crazy on you. But now I'm like, man, these people are right. 456 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:53,220 I could feel the loser, the loser-ness in me. You know, I could feel it. And I'm like, so, 457 00:13:53,940 --> 00:14:00,420 so I remember one, one, one night I had purchased, I purchased a gold chain for myself. 458 00:14:00,660 --> 00:14:06,960 I got a nice gold chain, right? Not a big deal. But I sold it that same night. I sold it that 459 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:11,820 same night for drugs. And it wasn't what I paid for either. It was like, whatever you give me, 460 00:14:11,820 --> 00:14:17,200 I'll take. And I said to myself, Oh my God, I can't believe I just did this. I cannot believe 461 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:22,960 I scooped this low. You know, like, dude, you can't even take care of yourself. And I just, 462 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:28,760 you know, I remember I was at the street called Norris and Polk Street. There's a liquor store 463 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:32,620 right across the street where I was at. It was called Frank Halleck's Liquor. And everybody 464 00:14:32,620 --> 00:14:37,380 hung out there, right? Everybody I knew hung out there. Not everybody I knew, but a lot of people, 465 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:42,620 a lot of people you don't want to know hung out there. And they, and I thought to myself, I guess 466 00:14:42,740 --> 00:14:47,990 this is my life. Look at me hanging out with these people, all these guys, 467 00:14:48,070 --> 00:14:52,810 are talking about is robbing people, talking about how they just got out of jail, 468 00:14:53,110 --> 00:14:57,770 but they're getting, or they're being hunted. They're being looked for. And I said, well, 469 00:14:57,770 --> 00:15:02,650 these are the people I now associate with on a daily basis. And I said, and I go, and I haven't, 470 00:15:02,710 --> 00:15:07,650 just so you know, before that realization, I had to ask God to help me, help me stop drinking and 471 00:15:07,650 --> 00:15:11,590 using and nothing happened. And then I just said, you know what? Thought this to my head, 472 00:15:11,750 --> 00:15:15,970 guess God's not concerned with me. You know, I'm just going to do whatever I want. And I, 473 00:15:15,970 --> 00:15:17,730 and that's what I did. I, I, 474 00:15:18,070 --> 00:15:23,510 quit trying to quit. You know, I just like, this is my, this is my path in life. God picked a role, 475 00:15:23,510 --> 00:15:27,870 right? Everybody has a role in life, right? And my role is to play this role, you know, 476 00:15:27,930 --> 00:15:32,710 and I was okay with it, you know, and I had prayed to God to help me. Nothing happened. 477 00:15:32,930 --> 00:15:37,110 And I lived that way for the next three years. For the next three years, I just, wherever people 478 00:15:37,110 --> 00:15:44,450 let me stay, I would stay. I would, you know, force myself on their homes. Like you have to 479 00:15:44,450 --> 00:15:47,110 kick me out to get rid of me kind of stuff, you know? 480 00:15:47,110 --> 00:15:51,570 Hey bro, you've been here a month, you know, it's time to go or at least get a job and help us. You 481 00:15:51,570 --> 00:15:56,510 know, I couldn't do it. You know, it's just, it's just a leech. It was a taker of everything. I just 482 00:15:56,510 --> 00:16:01,470 sucked it. And I hated it about me, but you know, I didn't, there was nothing I can do. I didn't 483 00:16:01,470 --> 00:16:08,870 know. I tried to stop. I went to rehab, one rehab, victory outreach, you know, and, and I, 484 00:16:08,950 --> 00:16:12,950 and I prayed all the time to God to help me and nothing happened. And I just like, all right, 485 00:16:12,950 --> 00:16:17,500 I'm just going to live this way. And I just, I just live that way. 486 00:16:17,620 --> 00:16:24,040 For the next three years, next three years, I was going to jail. You know, I remember the last 487 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:29,940 time I went to jail, the judge goes, he said, he says, when you get out, you're going to need to go 488 00:16:29,940 --> 00:16:35,540 to AA. And I was like, Hey, Hey, you know, I didn't even know what AA was, you know, like, 489 00:16:35,580 --> 00:16:41,860 okay. I go, but I told them, I told them like this, don't waste your time. Just add more time 490 00:16:41,860 --> 00:16:47,000 to me because I'm not going to make it to those meetings. Like you asked me to, you know, 491 00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:53,040 because I already knew something about myself. I was not going to make it. I just not that 492 00:16:53,040 --> 00:17:00,480 responsible. I can't even make it to a meeting, whatever it was, whatever that was. So he did, 493 00:17:00,540 --> 00:17:04,920 he added more time, you know, he's like, okay. You know, and, uh, and I don't know, you know, 494 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:10,980 like Memorial weekend of 1993, I was doing okay, I guess, you know, and I called girlfriend and 495 00:17:10,980 --> 00:17:14,220 she wasn't my girlfriend. She was just a friend. And I said, Hey, I'm going to come meet you. 496 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:17,600 Where are you? And she was, I'm at the park. I'm like, come down. I'm like, okay, 497 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:22,200 I'll be right there. And you know, I showed, I showed up late. I showed up like two hours later 498 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:26,380 and she was leaving. And I go, where are you going? She says, I'm leaving. I've been waiting 499 00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:30,700 for you for like two hours, dude. I'm like, all right. So I called another girl that I knew. 500 00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:35,080 And I said, what are you doing? She goes, Oh, we just got back from some AA camp out. Happy 501 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:40,200 campers. I think they were back in 1993. I was like, what? And I was like, okay, whatever. I 502 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:44,160 don't care. I'm coming over. And they're like, yeah, come over. And they, and that's the day 503 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:51,600 I went over there and I go, Oh, you have to go. And they're like, yeah, you know, just got back 504 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:57,100 from the sober thing. And, and Chris is sober six months. And you know, my friend wasn't sober, but 505 00:17:57,100 --> 00:18:01,560 she went with her, you know? And, uh, and I said, Oh, cool. And I said, I'm going to go get me a 506 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:06,760 beer. And I remember my friend Jennifer goes, dude, Chris is sober for six months, man. You 507 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:10,540 know, be careful, you know, maybe you shouldn't. And I was like, and I know Chris from high school. 508 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,020 So I told her, Hey, Chris, I'm cool. Right. You know, don't worry about it. It's just a beer. 509 00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:17,180 I went and bought it, bought one tall can, one tall can. And I, 510 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:21,200 came back and I finished it right away. And, um, we were waiting for pizza and I said, 511 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,160 you know what? I'm going to go get it, go get another one. And that's when she's, 512 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:29,800 and that's when Chris 12 step me. She says, why can't you just stop drinking? Why? What's wrong 513 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:34,940 with you? Why do you need another drink? Blah, blah, blah. You know, you're a drug addict. And 514 00:18:34,940 --> 00:18:39,280 if you die, I'm going to come to your funeral and just spit on it because you're just a drug addict. 515 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:45,920 That was an AA member, the AA member. Yeah. And, uh, and I was like, settle down, girl, you know? 516 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,580 You know, and I thought, settle down. 517 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:53,780 I ended up marrying her, you know? She was my first wife. I loved that, you know, it was better. 518 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:59,860 I had a little self-esteem back then, you know? And, uh, yeah, but thank God for her. I know I'm 519 00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:05,760 married now, but that's my story, you know? And she, and she invited, she invited me to a bunch 520 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:11,360 of AA functions. She was like involved in AA, you know, I had to go back to jail. She went to visit 521 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:15,500 me and she would tell me, she told me when you get out, I'm going to take you out and buy you a suit. 522 00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:19,820 And we're going to go to a convention, an AA convention. That's what she said. Like, all right, 523 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,500 whatever. I don't even know, I don't even know what you're talking about, you know, but okay. 524 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:28,520 And she did buy me a suit like this, you know? And we went to AA convention when I got out and I was 525 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:33,460 like, yeah, you know, and I was like insecure. And I was like standing like this because I don't know 526 00:19:33,460 --> 00:19:38,740 how to act. I'm like, I don't even know how to act in public, you know? And, uh, and I would, 527 00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:43,820 and I was jealous of these people talking to her. Who are these people? How does she know them? Why 528 00:19:43,820 --> 00:19:45,480 are they hugging her? You know, all this crap. And I was like, I don't even know how to act in public, 529 00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:51,160 emotional craziness in me. And, you know, she was just a member of AA. That's what they do. 530 00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:55,520 You know, I didn't know that, you know? And she invited me to more stuff, you know? You want to 531 00:19:55,520 --> 00:20:02,380 go bowling? I'm like, fool, I don't bowl. She goes, you want to go to a picnic? Like, I don't 532 00:20:02,380 --> 00:20:08,380 picnic, you know? But I'll go, I guess, you know? That's what she wanted. And I did that. And thank 533 00:20:08,380 --> 00:20:12,820 God, because I went to the meetings all the time. Every day I was going to meetings and I have a 534 00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:15,480 job. And I went to meetings every day, every day, every day. And I was like, I'm going to go to a 535 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:21,480 three times a day, four times if there's meetings there. And that's where I got hope that things 536 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:25,660 could change for me. The things, like, people would say stuff like, if I could do it, you could 537 00:20:25,660 --> 00:20:29,660 do it. And I'm like, you know, I'd be all, drank a lot of coffee that day. So I'd be up all night 538 00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:35,200 thinking about all these people in AA were saying. I'm like, do you think that stuff could really 539 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,700 happen for me? Because see, I didn't think it could. I didn't think that it could. No, 540 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:45,220 it won't happen for me. It can't happen for me. That's the kind of thinking I acquired from trying 541 00:20:45,220 --> 00:20:50,800 to quit. Can't and it won't happen. Why bother? But in AA, they said, it could happen. It really, 542 00:20:50,980 --> 00:20:57,060 it will happen if you do these things. And they make me do dumb stuff back then. I think you 543 00:20:57,060 --> 00:21:02,400 could smoke. They say, wash the ashtrays. I'm like, okay. Wash that. Wash the cups. They find 544 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:09,440 serenity at the bottom of the sink. Oh God, you know, you hear that stuff, like whatever serenity 545 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:15,200 means. But I did it. And I met a lot of people there and they became my friends. We ended up 546 00:21:15,220 --> 00:21:20,260 doing a bunch of stuff together. We started growing up together, right? We did, you know, 547 00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:27,780 I met Mike back then in the nineties. And yeah, man, my life started to change and, you know, 548 00:21:27,780 --> 00:21:33,720 my life did get better. They were right. My life did get better, you know, but I forgot, 549 00:21:33,900 --> 00:21:38,520 you know, there's a thing in the book says we less, you know, we rest on our lower. We're 550 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:44,940 hated for danger. And that's what I did. I started not doing AA. I did my own thing, you know, kind of 551 00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:51,140 AA. I can't, I did kind of AA, not real AA, but kind of, you know, and then one day the thought 552 00:21:51,140 --> 00:21:57,120 crossed my mind after 15 years, you know, after 15 years, like I said, I got a good job. Oh, Mike, 553 00:21:57,120 --> 00:22:04,580 he's a good speaker. Mike, Mike was speaking at my home group. I didn't even know him. And he was 554 00:22:04,580 --> 00:22:09,560 like, yeah, man, they gave me a job. And I was like, the city of Los Angeles gave me a job. And 555 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:14,740 I was like, man, I heard his story. I was thinking they gave that guy a job. Maybe they can give me a 556 00:22:14,740 --> 00:22:15,000 job. 557 00:22:15,220 --> 00:22:19,920 That's what I thought. I said, I really thought that. I'm like, Mike has brought hope into my 558 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:24,620 life, you know, and, and sure enough, he, I went up to him and I said, do you think they'll hire 559 00:22:24,620 --> 00:22:29,040 me? And they're like, yeah, just go down there and apply. I was just like that. And just like 560 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:35,220 that's what I did. And I applied, you know, I worked there for 28 years. I just retired a month 561 00:22:35,220 --> 00:22:42,170 ago, you know, you know, thank God, you know, it's like, and it's good. If you're an alcoholic, 562 00:22:42,170 --> 00:22:45,430 it's a good job to have because it's very hard to get a job. 563 00:22:45,450 --> 00:22:52,930 You know, it's hard to get fired. They'll let you go to rehab and all kinds of stuff. But yeah, 564 00:22:53,050 --> 00:22:57,610 you know, just like, it's stuff like that happens. So it's, so it's kind of weird that I rested on 565 00:22:57,610 --> 00:23:04,310 my laurels. And I drank again, you know, I really did drink again. And, you know, it got bad again, 566 00:23:04,510 --> 00:23:09,730 got bad again to where here I am again today, you know, doing the same thing, you know. And, 567 00:23:09,850 --> 00:23:15,410 yeah, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me, man. It really is. It did it. 568 00:23:15,610 --> 00:23:20,430 You know, there's a, there's a part in the book that says, what I thought was a flimsy reading 569 00:23:20,430 --> 00:23:25,130 turned out to be the powerful hand of God. And that's the truth. You know, what I thought was 570 00:23:25,130 --> 00:23:31,710 something weak and dumb and useless, you know, turned out to be the hand of God helping me. 571 00:23:32,030 --> 00:23:38,280 You know, when I was praying back when I was a kid, God answered my prayers, you know, 572 00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:41,940 sometimes I had to pay a price, you know, sometimes we have, it takes a long time 573 00:23:41,940 --> 00:23:45,560 to get there because we're unwilling, because I was unwilling to change. 574 00:23:45,740 --> 00:23:51,200 Because I was unwilling to believe that maybe the things that you believe wouldn't happen for me. 575 00:23:51,580 --> 00:23:57,500 So I had to pay the price and keep doing my own stuff until I figured it out, you know. And then 576 00:23:57,500 --> 00:24:02,700 one day I realized, hey, you know, I might as well just turn my life forward to this God, 577 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:06,680 this power greater than myself, you know, because people say that if you do, you know, 578 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:10,780 as a matter of fact, the 12 and 12 tells us that the third step, the third step is the most 579 00:24:10,780 --> 00:24:15,520 important step that, you know, that you're wholesome, that our whole recovery depends, 580 00:24:15,580 --> 00:24:20,440 on how well we do that step, how well we give our life over to that power, you know, 581 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:24,360 and it was like, pretty powerful stuff there, you know, for me, I was like, okay, 582 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:29,700 I'm gonna try my hardest, you know, and so I do that now, you know, I'm better at it, 583 00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:38,140 you know, you know, I've grown from that, you know, it says that we need to continue to take inventory, 584 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:45,460 we need to continue to get a conscious contact with God, we need to, you know, practice, you know, the 12 steps is not about passing it on, 585 00:24:45,460 --> 00:24:51,100 completely, the 12 step is about practicing these principles in all of our affairs, try to carry the 586 00:24:51,100 --> 00:24:55,420 message, but we need to practice the principles, you know, a lot of people think 12 step is, 587 00:24:55,620 --> 00:25:01,880 let's go to the jail, pass, it's about acting right, you know, and it's hard for me, you know, 588 00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:06,160 it's hard, it's hard, you know, because for a long time, I would, if you pissed me off, 589 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:10,000 I would probably chase you on the freeway, you know, I would do dumb stuff like that, 590 00:25:10,060 --> 00:25:15,140 you know, and I had to pay the price for that, you know, full of turmoil all the time, full of, 591 00:25:15,460 --> 00:25:23,960 stuff, you know, but as I stay sober, as I stay sober longer, my life is a lot easier, I really do try 592 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:30,000 to pray, I don't try, I do pray, and I do meditate, and I do it every day, you know, the 11 step tells 593 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:35,180 us that prayer and meditation is our principal means of conscious contact with God, so since 594 00:25:35,180 --> 00:25:39,180 it's our principal mean, it's our most important means of it, so I try, because I don't want to 595 00:25:39,180 --> 00:25:44,180 drink, I don't want the thought to come in my head again, and say, you're okay, bro, you know, you're 59, 596 00:25:44,180 --> 00:25:45,380 I came when I was 25, 597 00:25:45,460 --> 00:25:52,600 I'm 58 now, so, you know, and I, there's a lot of, there's a gap, but, you know, you can stay 598 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:58,140 sober, you know, now, and I hope, you know, they just come to these meetings and practice these 599 00:25:58,140 --> 00:26:05,400 principles, practice the principles, you know, and all your affairs, you know, and it may be hard, 600 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:11,420 you know, I want to share one other thing, I was with my wife in Peru, she meant I was happy to be 601 00:26:11,420 --> 00:26:15,140 there, I was like, I was sitting there, you know, they're going on about whatever they're talking 602 00:26:15,140 --> 00:26:19,040 about, I'm thinking, man, what a lucky guy I am to be able to witness her stuff, you know, 603 00:26:19,380 --> 00:26:24,700 witness, because that happened to me, I have the same story she has about, I got to meet some of 604 00:26:24,700 --> 00:26:30,460 my family from Mexico, and they explained a lot of stuff about how, and I realized, oh, it makes sense 605 00:26:30,460 --> 00:26:35,400 why I was the way I was, you know, anyways, and, you know, she, I want to share this one thing, 606 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:40,920 she shared that she used to think her cup was half full or half empty, right, now, I know her cup is 607 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,940 over full, man, ever since she met me, you know, 608 00:26:45,140 --> 00:26:53,060 it's like, it's running over, you know, that's all I got, thanks, guys.