Finding Comfort in Fellowship: Gabby's Journey to Sobriety

Hi, my name's Gabby. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, guys and gals. I was talking to this, I have

a personal old timer, right? I don't know if you guys have one, but I have my own like

special old timer who befriended me when I was new. And I got some news that I didn't

want a couple of days ago. I got some really hard for me to accept news. And so I called

him. He moved out of state. I called him and he just, he called me back on my way to

the meeting tonight. And he said, you know, like, pause before you speak. Because I said,

I don't know how this is going to go, because I feel really bad, right? I feel really bad.

And, and he said, pause and look around the room, right? And feel God in the room. But

I have to say with our first two speakers, I don't even like really have to do that.

Thank you so much for bringing, where's the woman? Anyway, thank you so much for bringing

you know, all of you for bringing God to the room. And thank you. I'm going to guess this

is a Pacific group. Is this? No, no, it's just you with the dress. But I thought like

with the dress, it's got to be a PG. And then you guys do all the things that the PG people

do like, it's nice to meet you, which I, I, I live in Los Feliz. I go to Eastside meetings.

We don't really do that. It's not, it's not good, right? It's really like, who's that?

You know, that's, I've never seen her before. But, um, really friendly. Um, uh, and you

know, so anyway, so, but thank you. Thank you for everyone for welcoming me and my friend

Alex who came and, and, uh, thank you for coming with me and, and, uh, my friend's son

who's, uh, I'm excited that he's experiencing this. Um, and thank you so much, Oscar. Uh,

and, um, happy new and milestone and identifying not identifying. I'm glad everybody's here.

I, uh, fuck.

I need a meeting, man. I really need a meeting. And I hope, I hope that I'm able to transmit, right, what Alcoholics Anonymous means to me. And I think it's a strange thing to speak because it's like going on this ride together on this journey. I don't, I have the things that I say, I try to hit like, okay, don't forget to hit this point. Now this point, make sure you try to get a laugh here. But it's, you know, it's not a, it's not a set thing. And it really is a journey, you know, so we're going to go on this journey tonight. And I hope that I'm a good,

I hope I can lay myself bare and you can understand why I'm in love with Alcoholics Anonymous, right? Okay, so my sobriety date is May 15, 1997. And I just turned 50. In November, I turned 50. I know. Isn't that crazy? It feels like, I mean, it's good. It's better than the alternative. But my, my eyesight's going and my parts of my body are sliding places. It's not, it was as if

it was ever like, oh, I'm so pleased with everything. But it's really getting some, some strange shapes and, and, but it's, it's okay. It's okay. I've never, I'm not super connected to it anyway. So that's pleasant. I was, I was born in Mexico City and to a bullfighter and a ballerina. True story. And, and my mother was a ballerina from Texas. I have this kind of large extended

Southern family, garden variety alcoholism, some garden variety weirdness, kind of, you know, very dramatic people and some guns and lots of yelling. But there was also a lot of love. And then my, my father, my very Southern family from Mexico, you know, just not a nice person. I'll just say not a nice person. And, and he's, but he was a bullfighter. And then he was murdered by his girlfriend, like maybe five years ago.

And so what my father gave me is like this story, right? This really kind of, my father was a bullfighter and then he was murdered by his girlfriend, which is a strange thing for my son, but kind of a cool thing for me, which I know that sounds weird, but, you know, too soon now. So, and that has nothing to do with my alcoholism, right? Nothing. I, I'm one of those people who I was born an alcoholic. I'm convinced that I was born this way.

I, it's not because I, and I, I feel, I felt separate. I feel, I grew up feeling very awkward socially. I know it's hard to imagine now because I seem so comfortable, but I'm kidding. But I, it's really, really awkward as a, as a child, really unhappy, very, very unhappy. And so, but my, but my mom married my dad and I was born in Mexico. And then she found out that he was married to another woman at the same time.

As her and, and she was pregnant as well, which I could imagine that was a sticky wicket for him to try to manage that. But so when she found out that he was, I mean, she didn't tell me this till I was older. So I'm, and my mother is wonderful, but she's a little duplicitous. So I'm not sure what's true, but she left him and brought me to the United States, brought me to LA when I was like six months old. And, and we moved in to, to Hollywood with my aunt and they were

both dancers, not stripper dancers, but chorus, chorus girls, right? And the Civic Light Opera downtown, and they did a lot of musicals. My mother had been a ballerina. And so I got this really wonderful early childhood, wonderful for me, where I spent a lot of time backstage at the Civic Light Opera at the Music Center and traveling around with this professional touring company. They did musicals, which have now become popular again, but you know, like Bob Fosse stuff and, and which was really

neat to grow up. And it really shaped how I see the world, which is, I like that, you know, everything's very kind of slightly off and colorful. But again, not why I'm an alcoholic. And, and I felt loved by my, my extended family of dancers and my mother and my aunt. And, and that seemed to be okay till I was about five, right? But as far as I know, my mom wanted to give me a more stable life. So she stopped touring.

And, and what I've been told is I started smoking hash with my uncle when I was four. I don't remember that. I remember smoking pot with him when I was six and seven. I remember feeling uncomfortable. Like I said, things were fine till I was about five. And then I remember feeling very uncomfortable from five on. And so what that looked like is, and like I said, my family all sort of moved out from Texas, and we all live together. So they, and I was allowed to drink, it was the 70s. So I started drinking with my family.

And there was another kid, my cousin, who's like my sister. And she, she was three or four years older. So she's the one who taught me how to smoke pot out of a toilet paper roll when I was eight, you know, that kind of thing. And, and my uncle dealt weed. So I'd get weed from him. And my grandmother drank vodka out of a huge container that she kept underneath the kitchen sink. So I drank her vodka. So I managed to stay kind of wasted for a long time. And when I was young, little.

And I didn't have a lot of friends. I felt, like I said, really socially awkward, very, very uncomfortable. And I tried to get the other, the one or two little girlfriends I could make to steal cocktails for two margaritas with me at the Gelson's on Havenhurst and Ventura, which is where we were living, right? Not at the Gelson's, but up the street. And so I walked down there and, you know, third grade and, and I got caught. I was with this girl, Elise.

And I got caught shoplifting these cocktails for two margaritas. And, man, I, I was just the worst shoplifter back then. You know, I didn't have any skills at that age. You know, grade school, it's hard to really hone your talent.

You know, I'm not like Oliver Twist. But so, and she, she told her parents that I had, you know, she got off. She ran away. But she told her parents that I had, this had happened. My mom had to come get me.

So her parents weren't, didn't allow her to see me anymore. And I had a resentment against her till I was like maybe 40, you know, that, that she, she didn't understand, you know, my wild spirit. She was trying to keep a good woman down, these squares, you know, these squares trying to, you know, don't you, can't you see my genius? And, and, you know, of course, I was already a liar, a cheat, a thief and an alcoholic before I was in fourth grade.

So, and I, I started to become kind of violent. I'd go around the neighborhood at night. I'd sneak out of my bedroom and I'd go around the neighborhood and vandalize cars. I'm so sorry. I feel awful for those people.

You know, you come out and some angry eight-year-old has broken your antenna. I mean, it's just, you know, like some wilding, rabid dog child. But, so that's how I behaved. And, and my, some things sort of happened, which led to my consternation.

At my life, you know, my mom's boyfriend left and he was a big part of my life and, and, and my aunt moved out. And so I was left with my extremely violent grandmother, uncle, and my very sweet but ineffectual mother in this house, in this dysfunctional house. And, and, again, not why I'm an alcoholic. I was already, I have the phenomenon of craving, right? You guys all, I'll explain it just for those who aren't familiar. I'm sure you all are.

But, you know, my,

my body and my mind and my spirit are all not well. And what that looks like is my spirit desperately wants to connect with you, but is terrified to do that. And I'm constantly thinking about myself. So I have this spiritual sickness. I have this mental illness that says, you know, this time it's going to be different. This time I'm going to be able to control it. This time I'm, you know, it's going to work out this time. And don't, you know, this, this time and, and some crazy thinking like that is a real, you should really do that, Gabby.

That's a really good idea.

And, and what it looks like is my voice, like in Poltergeist, my voice was, my mind whispered me, whispers to me in this voice that only a child can understand, you know, only I can understand it. And it sounds like a great idea. So that's my mental illness. And then I have the physical allergy. So when I drink, I have an allergic reaction to alcohol, which means that I crave it more than I can control. And I am willing to pay the ultimate sacrifice to satisfy that, that physical allergy I have.

Okay.

My mother has two of those things. She's kind of crazy, and she's got some spiritual malady, but she doesn't have the physical reaction to alcohol. That's the one thing that separates me from my fellow man, as it's been described to me. And that's my physical allergy. And that's never going to change about me. That's never going to change. That was how I was born for me. And everything about me has changed since I've come to AA. Everything, except for that. And I'm really grateful that I got clear on that in the very beginning, because otherwise I would think I was just, you know, a mental illness.

Okay.

I was just a troubled child. I was, you know, and now look at me. Now look at me. And, you know, and, or, you know, now look at you. But, you know, and, but if I drink, I'm going to go right back to the person I was when I came here. So, and I was born that way. So all the outside stuff, I use the outside stuff as an excuse. You know, I'm different because we were poor. I'm different because of this.

I'm different because, and I've got a lot of reasons why I can say that I was different. And different I am. But that's not why I'm an alcoholic. And that's not why I felt, why I felt so afraid and alone and maladjusted and desperately needing your love and attention, but terrified to ask you and unable to tell you what is going on with me.

So, I heard this band when I was 12. I was 12 years old. And I heard this band and it, something clicked. And, and I ran away from home. I went and saw them play that night. I was 12 and I ran away. I went to Hollywood with this two, these two friends of mine that I had just met after I cut off all my hair. It was February of 1981. And I, and that was it. I saw this band. I got my first kiss that night on the floor in the, the Roxy.

And I, and I ran away from home, maybe like two weeks later. And ran away to Hollywood from the Valley. And started shooting up crystal meth that night. But I was already an alcoholic, right? So I started using drugs that night. I got my first tattoo. It was a big night for me. You know, it was really like my quinceanera, if you will.

And, so, and, and I never really went back.

I never really went back. And my mom was heartbroken. I said, she's very sweet and very loving. And she means, you know, she means so well. But, and, and I really, you could, I couldn't go back for whatever reason. And, and so I stayed on the streets. I, and I did everything that you would imagine a 12 to 16 year old, until I got a job, would do for money on the streets.

I stayed on the streets of Hollywood in the early 80s, right? It's very glamorous. I had no shoes, no shoes, no shirt, no service, or full service, actually. But, and, and, and, you know, lots and lots of wilding. And, so, you know, teenage prostitute and stealing and sleeping in laundry rooms and abandoned hotels.

Lots of drugs and drugs for sex. And, which, you know, I don't even, yeah, it was not, it was not pleasant. I was not happy about the situation. But it seemed like this is what it was, this is what was called for at the time. And, by the way, if you're, if you're bottom, if you're in here is because you were a little inappropriate at the Christmas party, or, you know, you're late, I always say this, or you're late on your Neiman's bill. That is a bottom. You know what I mean?

bottom. Please, just let that be your only bottom because it, you know, I just kept on digging

because I didn't know any other way, right? I didn't know any other way, but all it says is

that I'm incredibly stupid and incredibly foolish with horribly low self-esteem and really no

internal reason to live that I knew of, right? And that's nothing to be admired. That's something

like, wow, she's so tough, you know? She's so pathetic, right? God, is she pathetic. And so,

I, when I was 16, I, so I lived like this, you know, for however long. And, and I always say

like, this is, this is not one of those stories where I went back and got my GED and now I'm a

Supreme Court judge, you know? And now I'm, now I'm a doctor. No, I, I still don't have a junior,

I don't even have a junior high school diploma. I never got my high school diploma. I never got

the GED. I lied, I went to college, I lied and said I was back, this was back when you could.

I said I was 18 and that I had graduated.

High school, I was 14 and I hadn't never graduated anything. And they didn't, they didn't

ever question it. I just like, oh, well, you know, welcome. So nice to have you. But I didn't,

you know, I didn't finish or anything. I was very, I took Latin, which seemed bizarre. I'm

drunk taking Latin. And if you missed the first class, forget it. You're not ever catching up.

So, so I've sort of managed to cobble this life together and I got a job. I got some,

I got some jobs.

I always wanted to work in the film business. And when I was 16, I got a job working on a TV show

or I got a movie. That was my first job. And I'm, so I don't go to work drunk, right? I know better

than to do that, but I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, right? I'm so uncomfortable that I'm

like this the whole day, you know, so terrified that you're all looking at me and you all can

tell that I know nothing and you probably all hate me. And the crew broke for lunch and I stood

over at this,

like by the lunch table, like this, the whole lunch, because I didn't want people to think I

was lazy as if anyone was paying it. Well, I'm sure they were paying attention to this strange

girl who won't sit down, but had I just sat down, they wouldn't have noticed. And, and so that's

how, you know, just thinking about myself constantly. What are you thinking about me?

What are you thinking about me? Oh, it's not good. It's not good. I know it's not good. I know it's

terrible. Oh, it's the worst thing. And that's all I can do. And I'm sweating and, you know,

stone cold sober, just a mess.

Side. You know, my eyeballs are turned inward and my skin is turned outward, right? I'm hyper

sensitive, but really only to myself. So I had this job and I started to get other jobs and I

thought, okay, you know, like I've made it, you know, I've got, I'm working on a TV show and I've

got this apartment and, you know, I had this crazy teenage life, but everything's fine now. I'm 17,

18 and, and I run into this child, but I'm drinking and I'm drinking alcoholically still, but, you know,

things are kind of cool. I drink for two, I stopped drinking for two weeks. That was a massive

accomplishment for me, but I did crystal meth during the whole time. Um, you know, uh, you can't

be, you can't just stop everything, but, um, that's madness. And, and I fall in love with this

guy who's a heroin addict. And, uh, and so we get married and I, I become a heroin addict and we get

married and, and, uh, you know, I had to wear long sleeves at my wedding, right? Cause I had tracks

we end up, uh, living by the side of the freeway on Robertson and, uh, the 10 freeway. So every time

you're driving by, that's where I was. Um, so we live by the side of the freeway and, you know,

we going to jails and institutions and, you know, moving, living in a, in a, we had his parents to

rent us this U-Haul to move some stuff. And we lived in the back of it for like a month. And,

uh, you know, it was like when you're trying to sell, we're trying to sell stuff out of the back

of the U-Haul that we live in. And, uh, we live in the back of it for like a month. And, uh, you

know, we would just come across like, Hey, I've got a left Reebok and a right Nike, you know,

five bucks. And, uh, at, at, you know, at two o'clock in the morning at the overpass on Virgil,

you know, it was just so bad. And, um, I live over there and it's funny. I drive around and I see all

the, Oh, I remember when I did that over there and that over there. And there's so many homeless

people now. And I relate to all of them. You know, I relate to all of them and I always try to look

them in the eye because when you're living that way, uh, no one looks at you, right? No,

one, you're the non-person except other people who are living like you are. And, uh, and that's,

it's hard on your soul, right? For the rest of life to not even notice you're there anymore.

So, um, so he goes into, we go into rehab, we sort of kick and then he joins the Pacific group,

right? And I was horrified and, uh, just, again, he starts, she shows up, I married this punk

rocker and he's wearing a tie and, uh, it was just awful. But, um,

so we're living in Venice. He gets sober. I get a job and we get our life, you know, together again.

And I'm in my mid twenties and he goes away for a couple of weeks and I start smoking crack with

the shoreline Crips. I don't really know how that happened, right? I was assistant to the head of

production at this studio, at this movie studio. And then I'm going, I'm smoking crack with the

Crips and I'm robbing people and I, and he's away and I turn our house, our beautiful little house

into a complete den of iniquity, you know, just.

Awful. Just shoreline Crips and strawberries and I'm running, you know, girls and drugs,

not like well running them out of my house, just, and, you know, crawling around the floor,

smoking the ceiling and man, what clucking is what they called it. Oh, it's awful. It's just,

I don't even like it. Right. But I had, you know, it's terrible. And, um, and, and, uh,

he comes back from working on this movie and I'm five,

ten years old and I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

right. And I weighed like 105 pounds. I'm not kidding. And he looked at me and he said,

it looks like a spider just sucked all of you dry. And I'm like, yeah, thank you. Thank you

for noticing. You know, goal weight. And, um, so, fuck, this is true. It's so brutal. I thought

I looked so hot. And, um, so he leaves me and I've lost my job and I've lost my husband and

I've lost my house. Right. And I'm back homeless again, again, you know,

downtown. And that's when the, you know, like the physical bottom happened, but I still hadn't

hit my emotional bottom, if you can imagine that. And then living downtown this time, all the really,

really bad things happened, you know, kidnapped and bag taped over my head and, you know, weird,

just weirdness, awful, awful, awful. And, uh, and I don't want to get sober. And, um, and the cops,

it's just, you know, I've no fucking underwear and no shoes and just sitting there and the most

pathetic hustle. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'll just tell you this. So my, my last hustle was I, I stole some jumper cables from the pet boys

on Hoover and Pico around there. And, uh, so I take those jumper cables and they were nice,

like in a, you know, they had a holder, a carry, a carry thing. Right. And I took them in the

afternoon during the summer, I've got, you know, dreadlocks that start off as a fashion thing and

then sort of morphed into something else. And, and I go to the pantry right at the afternoon lunch

hour from the beach. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

with these jumper cables and I'm going, you know, want to buy some jumper cables? Want to buy some

jumper cables? Want to buy some jumper cables? Like seven bucks just for you. And, and, uh, you

know, man, will you please leave? And, you know, and that's, you know, that's, that's how I was

rolling. And, um, and, uh, so this friend of mine, Andre finds me and in a roundabout way, he finds

me and he says, let's go to an AA meeting. And I want to say, no, I'm going to rob a bank. I'm

going to, you know, think these are my ideas. I'm going to rob a bank, get some money. Then

become a heroin dealer and then I'll make it. I don't have any shoes and I'm not going to use a

note, but I'm going to mastermind this somehow. And, uh, and, but I said, okay. And I went to

the meeting, you know, and, um, and if he hadn't found me, you know, like that saying that's that

I always find profound. Like if he hadn't called me, you'd have a different speaker, right? Like

I wouldn't be here. And, uh, so I went to this meeting and, uh, I was starting to feel dope sick

and I was, I hadn't been inside with regular people in a long time and I was not feeling well.

And, uh, and then so weird, there was this guy sitting there who was wearing pinky rings and

his forearm was tattooed. This was 1996. I was like, yes, yes. And, uh, and his name's Ricky,

Ricky M. Yo, where you at? And, and I developed a huge crush on him and that's how I got sober

following him.

Um, from meeting to meeting. And I had this friend, Siobhan, who would call me and say,

Ricky is at the Starbucks on Melrose. If you get down here right now, you can see, you know,

you can, maybe you can catch him. You know, I lived in outwater, like that's not going to work.

But, um, but that's how I got sober. That's not how I stayed sober, but that's how I got sober.

Right. And try as I might, I could never get Ricky to sleep with me. But to this day, we're

friends. I talked to him, uh, earlier today. I talked to him, you know, we've been friends for

22, 23 years now. And, uh, and, uh, I couldn't imagine why he wouldn't sleep with me. Um,

so.

So, uh, so I started coming to meetings and then things changed for me, right? Everything

changes. And I, I see, oh my God, I can, this is amazing. This is fantastic. And I start,

you know, going to canters at night after meetings. And my friend always says, I was

like this, I was like, uh, coffee, coffee, coffee, cake, cake, cake, share, share, share.

Coffee, coffee, cake, cake, cake, share, share, share. And, and I, I went, you know, to five,

six meetings a day, every day. I did, you know, 180 and 90, that sort of thing. And,

and, um, and I went from a hundred, 107.

Pounds to 187 pounds. I'm not kidding. In two weeks. And like a sponge and, uh, oh, I was

horrified. And, and, uh, but you know, following a guy from meeting to meeting and just sitting

in meetings was not enough. So I drank, right. And then I'd get a few, I'd stand up and, uh,

oh, I'm so sorry. And then a few months and I drink, sorry, drink. And then pretty soon people

would just, I'd raise my hand like,

I'm new again. And, and this friend, this guy I knew who later became a friend of mine

came up and said, you're going to die and no one's going to care. That's just what's

going to happen. So just shut the fuck up. Stop talking. You want to get up at the podium

and share how you're an atheist and you know, you're dead, you're dead and you're talking

about God. So just forget about it where I'm annoyed with you. And, and he was right.

Um, so I ended, this went on for a year and a half and I ended up getting on my knees

and begging God to spare me. I was like, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going

to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. And for some reason, I'm

begging God to spare my life. This atheist, right? I'm an atheist. And begging God to

spare my life. And for some reason the obsession was lifted. Right. And, uh,

I don't understand that. I really, I really don't understand it. And so I've had a spiritual

awakening of the educational variety. And, uh, so then I, when I was at this meeting,

I had a year, no I had a year and a half coming to meetings, probably had a month sober. And

I'd had all kinds of sponsors for all kinds of things. I'd had multiple sponsors for all

kinds of the wrong reasons. I liked her eyebrows. I did. I asked this one woman to sponsor me

because she had fantastic eyebrows. But I couldn't stay sober on that. So then I asked

this woman to sponsor me who was, her sponsor had been a drill instructor, sergeant, whatever

that, military person. And she was very on the nose with me, right? Very much, this is

how you do it. And I was terrified of her. People have shot at me from me to you. And

I'm not afraid of that, right? Because I want whatever you have. But even though I wanted

what this woman had, I was afraid of her, you know, disapproving of me, terrified of

her disapproving of me. So I worked my steps. And in that process of working the steps is

when all the things happened for me, when all the magic turned on for me, right? So

I came to see it.

When I was working in step two, I came to see that my personality was not a personality.

My identity was not identity. It was a collection of random decisions and beliefs that I had

come to. And I had gathered those things so closely to me that I couldn't have anyone

have anything different, right? You have to share all my views and beliefs because if

you have something different, you are, or believe something differently than I do, you

are challenging my very existence. And I was,

vehement about my beliefs and how I was right, which does not make for a good friend, right?

No one wants to hang out with that. And, and I, so I had that realization in working the

second step. I had the realization in my fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh step that every, every

moment of my life has been covered in a fear that I'm not going to feel loved, right? I

am not going to be loved.

Like this giant hole inside of me will never, ever feel satiated. And that has caused me to behave

poorly, wonderfully, all, you know, the whole thing, because I want to, I want to grasp that

love and I want to control it. So, you know, I, I made all my amends, right? I, when I did my

ninth step and I had all those glorious experiences that you hear about that. I, I found my father,

as, as part of my ninth step, you know, I, I didn't owe him an amends in the sense of I had never

done anything to him, but I was, I went and saw him in Mexico City when I was maybe like four

years sober. And I was very excited because I thought, now here's the relationship that's going

to happen that I've always wanted, this idea I had of this man. And it didn't work out that way.

He was sober in AA, but his idea of AA and

mine are slightly different. And, and he was very much ashamed of me, right? Of how I looked,

that I had been divorced, that I didn't speak Spanish, that I didn't have his last name,

a proper Spanish guy, right? Proper Mexican. And in, for his group. And, and, you know,

he told me how ashamed he was. And I had that moment where I sat in this restaurant in Mexico

City and I went to the bathroom and I'm crying and he's,

you know, stop your blubbering and pull yourself together and people are going to see. And so I

went to call my sponsor and she said, you know, you have to look to your friends to see your worth.

You can't look to your father to see your worth, you know, look to your friends and who, who chooses

to be around you. But I got to have this thing where I wrote him, I left Mexico and didn't speak

to him again, but I wrote him a letter thanking for him for all the things he had done because I

wanted to be a good daughter and I needed to accept that people aren't going to be the way I want them

to be, right?

I want all of you to behave in this way that I deem appropriate. And if you do that, then I'm okay.

Of course, that's unrealistic. And what am I? You know, I would make a terrible God, by the way,

I would make a terrible God. I'm so glad that that hasn't happened yet. Anyway, but, um, so, uh,

so I got to see that my, you know, I looked at my part in that, that I wanted this man to be

something different than he was. And I was resenting him for not being,

who I wanted him to be. And that is on me. So I got to thank him for all the things that he had

given me. I got to be a better daughter before he, before he died. And, um, um, so it goes on and on

like this, right? And, uh, I wish I was more eloquent right now. I got this, so I got this news

two days ago, night before last, that my boyfriend of five years that I love, we have this whole life

together, does not want to be with me anymore. Right. And, and it's interesting because we have,

we have had, he's, he's, uh, he's sober, but not in AA. He's whatever he is. He, the man doesn't

drink. And, um, and so I have this idea because I'm 22 years sober. I sponsor, I'm sponsored,

you know, I'm in the middle of it. I've worked, you know, that I am fully realized. I'm a fully

realized woman. I totally understand. Sure. I've got something. I've got something. I've got something.

I need to work on, but I've really done the work and you haven't was my judgment. Right. So when he

would tell me this thing that you're doing hurts my feelings, I, and I, you know, it's weird. I

didn't see it until today. I didn't see what he's been trying to tell me for four years until today

that I have dismissed this man's feeling because I am so carefully trying to guard my own story.

Right. Instead of living in understanding,

and instead of really letting go of my desire to say, it's not my fault. It's not my fault.

Right. I ignored what he was trying to tell me and told him it was his fault. Right. That all

that he was feeling was on him. It was his fault. I'm not doing that. It's your fault. I don't know

whose fault it was. I have no idea, you know, if things would have been any different,

but I can tell you that it's a real tangible, um, regret that I couldn't

see even after all, you know, and you, that's always the, my fear, right. Because every year

I see more about myself than I did because if I, but I have to work, right. I have to constantly

work. And the whole time I've been in this relationship, I've been on the phone with my

sponsor. Like, what do I do? I'm writing, I'm writing, I'm, you know, going to meetings and

being a service. And if I do all these things, I'm going to get what I want. If I do all these

things, I'm going to be able to control the situation and get what I want. I'm good. Right.

I'm good. And with it, and it's going to give me,

what I want. And that's not what, that's not what life is about, right? It's not about that. I can,

I can get what I want by making some sort of deal with my God, that if I'm good, I'm going to be

able to get what I need or what I think I need. And, uh, I wasn't my personal old timer. Marty

said, you know, you, you're attached to being right. Like you're invested in being right.

And you're attached to your story of where you are in your life.

Instead of letting go,

of my story. And instead of having faith, and instead of trying to control the situation

through extreme love, right? Competitive loving, if you will, you know, I'm going to,

I'm going to get you to behave the way I want you to, if I just pour enough love on it

without really hearing another person. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it was, uh,

it was really quite, are these going to go off? Am I close? Okay. Um, I like your little,

right?

It's amazing. I feel like every meeting should have this. I'm, I'm going to take a picture of

it and take it to my home group and look, we're lacking. Um, meeting in the valley housing. Um,

and I so want to gavel somebody. Oh, look at that. Um, I don't know. Does that make sense?

What I just said? Do you guys understand what I'm talking about? And you know, if you had told me

when I got sober, half the room's like, I have, and, uh, uh, um, yeah, it's just,

it's really every. So when, when I was, uh, when I was nine years sober, I met this guy,

I went on a, I went on a sober surf trip to Bali for the convention. Clancy was speaking.

And I went down there and I met this other sober dude, you know, and it was the moon and

everything. And we fell in love right really quickly. And I married him after two months.

Fucking oh my God. Jesus. At least I can say I was still in the.

I was in my 30s, so I was still, you know, in the fog of war, but, so, and then we had a kid, and he moved back to LA, he was living in Bali, and he moved to LA with me, and we had this child, and I, you know, I was in the middle of AA still, lots of, you know, I've always kind of been in the middle, because I knew, if I'm not in the middle, I'm going to fall off the edge.

So, and then, much like what's happening to me now, maybe I need to look at this, my husband didn't want to be married to me anymore, right, he didn't want to be married to me anymore, and I was very invested in that story, right, I was very invested where I was, what my outside of my life looked like, and I was probably about 12 or 13 years sober, and he didn't want to be married to me anymore, and we had this kid, and I went insane.

Instead of going to a lot of meetings.

I retreated into my house, and watched a lot of reality television, which I'm telling you is a gateway drug, and it's dangerous, make no mistake, I'm only partially joking about how dangerous it is, and, and, and man, I just like watching and judging, you know what I mean, and, and I slipped away from going to meetings, and I didn't have, I didn't have that experience where AA just came to me, and then a bunch of things happened, my dad got murdered, my aunt got cancer, I got a

tumor in my intestine, so I got really sick, I lost my job, three or four things, other things happened, all within a month period, and I just shut down, and then my ex-husband started coming over, and abusing my, myself, and my son, and all this, the police, and I went from, you know, 902, Beverly Hills 9210 to the Jerry Springer show, not, not really Beverly Hills, but you know what I mean, like, perfectly beautiful manicured life to Jerry Springer in a minute, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and I found that extremely upsetting, and so people didn't rush after me, you know, they didn't come after me, and I'm sure I was difficult, right, it's no one else's fault that I slipped into an emotional coma, because my life is my responsibility, the hand of AA was there for me when I first came, but if you don't say to somebody, I'm having a really hard time, people aren't going to read your mind, and we're all, you know, it's great, the few people that reached out to me, my friend Ricky, my sponsor,

this other friend of mine, Serena, they all reached out to me, and that's probably why I didn't get loaded, but I spent three years completely emotionally out of my mind, you know, physically sober, and emotionally so sick, and I lost everything, and I retreated, and I thought, you know, these are the darkest days of my life, because there's nothing worse than being sober, and physically sober, and having no program, so I'm in a,

you know, and then I kept on going to meetings, and I couldn't feel that connection with God, I couldn't feel it, I couldn't feel it, I couldn't feel it, and then one day I came back to a meeting, and it turned all back on for me, right, it just, like that, and my life went from being a hideous pit of misery and despair to this magnificent blossoming thing, and, you know, so I have to be in the middle of AA for me to see what life is, if I drift off, like, you know, this is going to be a rough time, we had, my boyfriend and I have a whole life to

get through together, and our kids live together, and, and we've built this beautiful life, and now, that's all changing, right, and I don't like change that I don't seek, you know, I don't like change that's thrust upon me, but I'll tell you, the only piece that I've gotten that I get out of this is knowing, I have to know that I'm taken care of, and I don't know if that means that, like, I go through this, and then I come out the other side, and things are better than they were before, now I get a better boyfriend, and now I get a better

boyfriend.

job. I don't know if that's true, right? I don't know if that's true. Maybe the best I can hope for

is that I can learn how to walk through this breakup with dignity and with grace. And then

I can share it with my sponsees and anyone who wants to ask me how to do it, right? I need to

pay attention to how I do it because that's my only value. That's my only worth of what I can

give to you. I used up all my drink tickets. I used up all my time. So my only value, my only

worth is what I can give to you because that's what AA has given to me, right? It's given me my

whole life. It's given me self-esteem and it's given me in these moments when I want to blame

someone else, the strange peace, like the calm that came over me today when I realized what I

had done to hurt my own relationship, like what I had done. And that's an incredibly painful place

to be, but it's also a great relief to know that I'm still capable of learning and change and of

honest reflection.

And that's from AA. Thank you so much for being here.