From Violence to Fear: Rueben's West Side Story

Rueben Alcoholics. Thanks Oscar for inviting me to come speak. Man, this is like right next door to home. I mean, right next door. I'm on Balboa and Sherman Way. I grew up here. I grew up on White Oak, White Oak and Stag. I mean, I don't know how many times I've passed out in this Jesse Owens Park, drinking 40s with the boys. You know, I've spent a lifetime trying to get out of the valley, man. And I just keep moving back and moving back.

I don't know why. I love the west side, but I guess this is where I am today, right? So, like I said, I grew up right here to a violent, abusive household, you know, is all I can say.

My dad is, you know, I'm Mexican, so I was ashamed of being Mexican when I grew up, you know, because all the kids I went to school with were white, you know. I went to Lawrence Street School right here in Northridge.

And, you know, my dad was from Mexico, you know, and he had an accent and, you know, he's, you know, he just didn't sound like all the other dads. All the other dads sound like Mr. Brady and my dad sounded like Ricky Ricardo, you know, and I was ashamed, you know, and my mom was Mexican. She was from Texas, you know, she used to call herself a Texican, you know, and she was from Sweetwater, Texas, right outside of Odessa, a shithole town.

Hey, I was told that there was no cussing in this meeting. So, I got like two F-bombs and I got a couple in the bank. So, you know, my mom was this, my mom was like a redneck Mexican, you know, y'all and go get the strap, you know.

She didn't sound like all the other parents either, you know. She was a little militant, you know, sawed off, little Mexican lady, you know, and she used to perm her hair. She used to have this giant fro.

In the 70s with that fist pick in the back like this, you know, my mom, she was always going on strike, you know, she was a union shop steward, always striking, you know, I used to staple the picket signs, you know, and I'd see her on the news just ripping the city of Los Angeles to shreds, you know, and I would hear my dad come home and beat the brakes off her, you know, and you'd hear the screaming and her trying to fight him off.

You know, and I felt different, you know, I was different. I knew that all the other kids at school weren't hearing what I was hearing and weren't seeing what I was seeing, you know, that's not the truth. That's just my perception, but it doesn't take much for me, my alcoholism to separate me from you, you know, and the common thread in my life is fear, fear, and, you know, and it was like, I didn't know what the rules were, man.

I mean, my dad would come home and you'd hear that, that violence, or he'd wake you up and tell you, I love, he'd be all drunk, I love you, you know, and I'd say, I'd see, I'd see my family members like that, you know, it was, I don't know if it was just the time I grew up, but the, you know, you didn't speak unless you were spoken to type of house, you know, and no one cared what you thought, and, you know, when I got to junior high,

I remember we, we went to, right down Sherman Way to Thrifty's, there used to be Thrifty's and Zody's and, you know, and we used to call it Snag Alley, because we would snag everything, and we stole a bottle of peppermint schnapps, and I had had a beer here with my big cousins and my brother, you know, in the park, had a low and brow, you know, I got to split one with my other cousin, you know, but this time we stole a bottle of peppermint schnapps,

me and my two buddies, and we rode our BMX bikes over to an alley, just like this one, and we all sit around and just, just, oh, just, it's the most wretched shit you'd ever tasted, you know, I mean, it just tasted like gasoline and toothpaste, you know, if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have stolen that, but the, the, the fact is, is what it did for me, for, you know, for the first time that I could ever remember, I wasn't afraid, I wasn't afraid, you know,

and, and that's all it took, that's all it took, I don't know if I was an alcoholic when I was a little kid, you know, I don't know, but I just know that what, what alcohol did for me, and it gave me the ability to not care what you thought of me, you know, and, you know, I, I sucked at school, I just, I just didn't want to be there, you know, you know, I did lots of, lots of drugs growing up, you know, it was hard, I mean, for me,

it's like, we didn't have any money, I didn't have any money, it was easier for me to go to Snag Alley and steal a bottle than it was to, to get some dough together to buy some drugs, I love drugs, but as a little kid, you can't, I didn't, I couldn't afford them, you know, I remember we, I remember I had this big parka jacket, and I went in there, it was probably August, and I went in this big parka jacket, and I stole four-fifths of Jack Daniels, and I'm, I'm jingling as I'm walking out, you know,

it was the day before the last day of school, and I drank, I drank a whole fifth of Jack Daniels, and I couldn't walk, and I'm on my buddy's handlebars, and I remember I didn't have a shirt on, and I had this bottle, it had like this much left, I'm like, and I fell off the, fell off the bike and onto the bottle, and it just shattered, and I had all these shards of glass in my side, and I woke up in my bed just bleeding, I still had glass in the side,

there was vomit all over my bed, I didn't, till this day, I, I can't remember if, if the sun was going down, or if it was coming up, um, and I, I just had this, the, the worst hangover, I was so sick, um, and the next day was, uh, the last day of school, which no one went to, it was, what, what do they call it, ditch day, so, every, because my, my mom, at this point, I had two older brothers that wore my mom out, and she moved in with her boyfriend, and just left me at the house,

14, there's no, no parents, everybody thought that I had it made, because my mom was never home, but if I was ever sick, or ever needed to talk to somebody, there was, I was alone, you know, and, and, and I'm alone with all this glass in my side, and I picked it all out, and I've got this hangover, and all these kids start coming over for a ditch party, and, uh, they're drinking, and they're getting loaded, and I'm just like, uh, I, I mean, I couldn't even smell alcohol, and to this day, I, I can't sniff Jack Daniels,

because it'll just turn my stomach, and I remember this girl, prettiest girl in the school, just got wretched drunk, um, oh, man, is there a clock, oh, when, when do I wrap up, five till, okay, so, and all, like, the scumbag boys from the school are trying to, like, take her clothes off, she's, she's completely passed out, and I'm like, no, man, this can't happen, not in this house, you know, I, I get everybody out, out of there, and, like, man, I got, I gotta get this girl home, so, she's completely

passed out, she has vomit all over her shirt, um, I remember, like, we're sticking toothpaste in her mouth, trying to clean her up, and do her a solid, you know, and I put her on the handlebar, you know, I put her on the handlebars of my bike, she lived over off of, like, Keswick, or something, she lived in the neighborhood, I knew what block she lived on, but I didn't know what house she lived at, so, I remember, I, I went down the block, I'm looking around, I just go, and, and kick her off onto somebody's lawn, I thought I could have sworn, I could have sworn I was a good guy,

you know, and I saw her years later, oh, my God, the look she gave me, but, um, I get a license, I mean, I'm a, I'm a complete maniac, and then I get a license, um, and I get this little Ford Courier pickup truck, um, they had a 302 in it, V8, it was a bad little truck, no brakes, um, and, uh, I used to love drinking and driving, I'd get sideways on every turn in that truck, and we're down here, I think it's Oxnard, the dead ends,

to Balboa Park, and we used to drink right there, and, uh, got the radio blasting, my buddies were heading home, it's probably midnight, one in the morning, and I got my buddy in the front seat, and I got three buddies in the back, and I'm just getting sideways around every turn, and these guys are rolling around the back of this truck, and they're pounding on the top of the truck, hey, man, let us out, and I let them out right over here off of, uh, Stag and White Oak, and, uh, me and my buddy go split, leave them there,

and I go around, and I roll that truck, roll it, I can just, I mean, no seatbelts, I remember just bouncing around inside that truck, and, uh, it landed in, it landed in someone's driveway on its wheels, and the, the, the, the top was caved, the driver's side was caved in, the door, all the windows were busted out, and not, you couldn't open the doors, that thing started right up, oh, yeah, and, uh, I drove it to recede a continuation for months like that, you know, um, but with no windshield, you know,

you got bugs and rocks hitting you in the face, you know, so I used to ride motocross, so I used to wear goggles when I would drive the truck, and you had to lean over, because the top was caved in, so you had to lean over as you were driving, and it was in the recede of, the recede of parking lot, high school parking lot, and, and people were starting to spray paint, like, ouch, and, and POS, you know, and, uh, this girl, this girl says, hey, can you give me a ride home, like, sure, we're, like, walking out to the high school parking lot,

and we're walking up to this, the nastiest car in the lot, she's like, this is your car, I'm like, yep, I helped her in, I helped her in, it was just like NASCAR, you know, um, we used to love to go to TJ, because you could drink, underage drinking, loved it, cheap, go see some shows, um, you know, and, uh, I remember we were drinking, we were drinking all day in the valley, man, just, what do you want to do, there was nothing to do, we didn't do anything, you know, I mean, I used to

play football at, for the Mid-Valley Rams, Pop Warner, played football at Taft, I mean, I used to love art, you know, and it's like, once I started drinking and using, everything that I used to love, I stopped doing, I just hung out, that's all I did, I remember we were sitting at a park, like, what do you want to do, let's go to TJ, bad idea, bad idea, you know, we split out of the valley, and I remember, like, I had to go pee when we left the valley, and we're, like, in Oceanside, and these guys won't pull over,

man, so they pull over at a liquor store, because we're drinking all the way down there, you know, we're 15, 16 years old, um, they stop at a liquor store, and we got to, like, pimp beer to get some beer, you know, we're not going to make it to TJ, and I, I get out, and I walk to the back of the liquor store to go to the bathroom, and I'm sitting there, going pee, and I hear the gravel shifting behind me, like someone's walking behind me, and, uh, someone puts their hand on my shoulder and rips me around, and it was this big Samoan woman, she lived in a trailer

behind the liquor store, and I'd never seen a Samoan person before, but she was big, and pissed off, you know, she was, like, 300 pounds, she had this giant afro, and she whipped me around, and I've been holding it since the valley, so I just went, and I spray her, and I'm, like, drunk, and she starts hammering me upside the head, and I'm, I'm holding, I'm holding her hand, now she's hammering me over here, now I've got both her hands, like this, and now my pants are down around my ankles, and we take it to the ground, and we're rolling around,

the ground, she's just thrashing me, you know, I'm, like, 15 years old, like, 120 pounds, I've been drinking all day, you know, it wasn't much of a fight, I was screaming for, like, backup, you know, help, and we roll out, we roll, we roll into the parking lot behind the liquor store, and there's a San Diego police cop car right there, and it doesn't look good, I've got my pants down, I'm the one screaming, you know, so, like, these are, like, the highlights, these are, like, the good times, you know, I didn't,

I got a certificate, I never finished anything, you know, I, I get a, I get an apartment, which is right here, on the other side of all these stores on Sherman Way, Kingswood Village, my first apartment, 400 bucks a month, I don't know how I'm gonna come up with it, but I'm pretty sure I could do it, you know, and I was always late on my rent, I had this little girlfriend, we had a kid, little baby, and nothing's changed, I'm still partying with the same guys, but instead of partying at Jesse Owens Park right here, we're partying at my house,

and this little girl's girlfriend's held up in the bedroom, while all these losers are out in the living room, partying, and, you know, we, the manager of the apartment building was my drug dealer, and he was a born-again Christian, by the way, which is weird, and I was having a party, and he came over, and he brought his, like, buddy from church, you know, and I've got, like, guys that I grew up with in Reseda, and Van Nuys, and these guys come in, they get,

they open up their Bible, they're, like, preaching the word, and we're, like, drinking and using it, I'm like, hey, man, that's, like, probably, this is probably not the best place for this, you know, and his buddy doesn't drink or use, and that makes me uncomfortable, you know, I think he's a narc, and I'm on this kid, you know, come on, have a drink, have a beer, and finally he does, you know, and he starts to have a good time, and we're all drinking, and having fun, and doing, you know, outside issues, and we're up until the next day, you know, and people pass out, and people leave,

go home, and I wake up to the screams of this kid, because he had passed out on his arm, he had passed out from drinking, and his arm was just black from lack of blood flow, and he, we take him over to Northridge Hospital, and they're, like, it's dead, like, there's no, there hasn't been any blood in there for hours, it's just all dead tissue, and he's not going to be able to use it, or they're going to have to take it off.

I'd never,

I saw this guy once in my life, I'd never seen him again, but my life, my life changed, you know, I mean, I was, like, you know, my drinking changed, the way I stopped hanging out with people, you know, because look at what happens, you know, and I'm drinking, I'm coming home, I'm a roofer by trade, so I go out drinking with the guys after work, and I come home, and my girlfriend's like, you know, where are you, you know, what kind of life is this?

You're never home.

and when you're home you're just loaded and you bring your friends home and you're just getting

loaded and uh what started to happen is I started to put my hands on her you know I come I come out

of a blackout or I come to in the morning and uh she'd have a mark on her face you know where I

threw the keys across the apartment and hit her in the face with uh my keys and uh and I would

just swear up and down man I'll never do that again you know I felt like a monster felt like

an absolute monster you know um and uh some time would go by and uh I'd rationalize how well if

you wouldn't have said this I wouldn't have had to have done that and it would happen again

and again until she left you know I came home and she had taken our our daughter and uh and at this

point I'm alone like I I'm not I'm not drinking I have no friends my family doesn't want me around

and uh you know I call central

office um and they direct me to the Valley Club on uh at that time it was Van Owen Van Owen in

Tampa and I pulled up and I'm looking through the windows inside the Alano Club and the meeting's

just getting over they're they're picking up the chairs and saying their goodbyes and they're all

laughing and hugging and I just like my life is over I knew I knew right there that I'm never

going to feel the way those people look and this isn't the answer you know

I knew that I had a problem but I didn't think that drinking was it and uh I just sat down outside

man I just started to sob because uh Clancy talks about you get to a point where you don't there's

no friendly direction you know and I was I was um I was desperate I was hopeless um and this guy

pulled up he was in a suit he was driving a nice car and he came over and he sat down next to me

put his arm around me he said it's gonna be all right

it's gonna be okay and he took me inside the meeting sat me down next to this little old lady

she must have been about 40 and um because I'm 24 I just turned 24 and uh and she buys me a big book

um and she writes and she opens it up and she writes on the inside June 11th 1992 she said

this is your sobriety date you know she says you need to read this book and that guy that brought

you in from outside you should ask him to be your sponsor and um I'm like all right whatever you

know I mean I don't know what a sponsor is I don't know what he's supposed to do but I asked him to

be my sponsor and uh he had a year and a half of sobriety which was like there's no way a year and

a half of sobriety it's like I'll never get there you know so he was the secretary of that meeting

and that little old lady was Marilyn Slater from the Pacific group and he just started going to the

Pacific group because he liked playing softball so I asked him to be my sponsor he says be in my

house tomorrow and I'll take you to a meeting so it's summertime I'm gonna be in a meeting and I'm

gonna be in a meeting and then I'm like I'm gonna go to my house tomorrow and I'll take you to a meeting

meeting. So it's summertime, I get off work, I got shorts, I got flip-flops on, I got a tank top,

and he takes me to the Wednesday night meeting. And it doesn't mean, you know, we're like cruising

down sunset. I'm like, wow, this is a pretty swanky area. You know, and we pull into the

parking lot and it's just an absolute rock concert of a meeting, you know, and he's on the parking

crew in the Catholic church up across the street. And he gives me these two flat like airport

flashlights. He says, go to that corner right there and direct people in. I'm just going,

my life is over. This, what's this dude? How am I going to get my girlfriend back? How is this

helping at all? You know, I don't get it, man. And I would, I would tell him like, what's this

got to do with anything? And, and he's like, well, I'll tell you tomorrow. And he strung me along

and he strung me along. And, and I started to identify, I started going to meetings and I

started, I'd go to Clancy's house on Saturday mornings and play softball.

And man, I hadn't played sports in so long. I hadn't played sports in so long. And, uh, and I

was hooked, man. You know, I just, I started going to the Pacific group. I was the absolute

worst member. You know, I was like, yeah, I'll sign up for a commitment, but I would never show

up. I might show up. I might not, you know, and then you'd fire me. And I'm like, what do you mean

you're firing me? You know? Um, they're like, Hey, you don't show up. So we're going to get

someone that that's going to show up, you know? Um, and I would see people that I got sober with

passing me by, not that it was a competition, but I saw them getting better and I wasn't, you know,

I just wanted to play softball. I went to meetings. Um, I got, uh, Shamu's a sponsor at that point.

Um, and, uh, and he played softball. Um, and he started taking me through the steps,

you know? Um, and, uh, you know, I started, I stayed sober. I got it really slowly. You know,

I was no rocket to stardom by any means, but I was around here a couple of years,

and I was like, you know what? How come nobody's asking me to sponsor him? What is this? You know?

Um, and, uh, finally this one guy, uh, they used to call him homeless Ray hit me up. I was like,

yeah, I'm going to take you to the top, Ray. I got you, dude. You and me. All right. I'm going

to pick you up. We're going to go to fellowship. Ray lived on in a bush, but on Wilshire and

Sepulveda, I'd pull up in my little roofing truck and Ray would come out of the bush, jump in my

truck. We'd go, we'd go to fellowship, go to the meeting. We'd go to cafe fifties on, uh, Santa

Monica. I take Ray back to the bush, but I'll see you tomorrow, dude. Ray never, never could stay

spawn, uh, sober. He couldn't, you know, and he's still around. Um, but I started, I was staying

sober, you know? And I worked, I worked with this big, tall, goofy dude who was like, Mr. Pacific

group, man, I couldn't stand this dude. You know, he was like, he was on fire.

With AA. It was disgusting. Um, and, uh, and I started, I started working with him. We were

selling roofs. I was a salesman. I'm not a salesman. You know, I'm a, I'm a worker bee.

I'm a roofer, you know? And, uh, Don was like six, 10. I mean, he used huge words. He would just,

just talk these, just force these people into buying shit, you know? And I'm like, I'm listening

to it, you know, cause I had to drive around with him to learn the job, you know? And, uh, I soon

learned it. I go,

you don't know anything about roofing, huh? It's like, nope, but he could sell anything,

you know? And, uh, and Don would say, Hey, you want to go to a, a watch tonight? I'd be like,

nope. I'm like, no, I don't even know that guy. Why would I go? You know, he turned around,

loser, you know, a couple of days later, he's like, you want to go on a, on a move,

help somebody move? No, I don't even like that girl, you know? And I didn't get it.

I didn't get it. You know, he turned on his heel taker and, uh, you know, and he's sponsoring guys.

He's, I mean, he was so happy. It was like, man. And I was so miserable. It was like, and finally

like, all right, I'll go, man. I'll go. And, uh, and I went and helped somebody move. And, uh,

and I felt like I was a part of after, you know, I felt better after. And, um, and that was the

lesson for me is that the action doesn't care why you take it. I take the action and my life

changes without a doubt. That's the blueprint. If I do, if I do all these steps and I'm of service,

my life will change. I saw it happen. I saw it happen to you. So I believed it could happen.

So I started to do it and I, I, I, I didn't, I still don't feel like, you know, I don't feel

like being here right now. There's a UFC fight on tonight and I'm missing it. So thanks a lot.

So, uh, when I was waiting for that, what, where do, when do you guys do that? I saw you guys at

the time slot at the convention. You guys were quaffing all over the place. Do you knock what's

the quality of life? Okay. All right. Sweet. It's good to be a

quality of life.

Um, a little pocket of enthusiasm. So, you know, um, 10 minutes, where's my light? Oh,

it's not up here. You don't have a 10 minute light. Okay. Um, so I, uh, you know, I got

addicted to how I felt. I went to seven meetings a week. I had seven commitments. I'm sponsoring

12 dudes. Life is good. Life is good. But there's a lot of stuff that, uh, still comes up. You know,

I get married. I get married. I get married. I get married. I get married. I get married. I get

divorced. I get married. I get divorced. I don't, you know, getting married in AA is not good. It's

not good or dating in AA, you know, cause we break up and there she is looking way better than she

looked when she was with me. Skirts are shorter. Heels are higher, you know, dang, she's, she

working out and I have to come here to save my life and I'm uncomfortable and I don't want to

come because she's going to be there with him, you know? Um, and, uh, so I've got these,

these feelings that keep coming up that have, that came up my whole life, you know, and getting

another commitment and sponsoring another dude and taking another step wasn't working for me with,

with this particular problem. You know, I had stuff that happened to me when I was, you know,

a young kid, man, um, trauma that I needed help with, you know? And, uh, so I started going to

therapy, you know, and, um, you know, Mexicans don't go to therapy. They don't, they don't talk.

Don't talk about it.

You know, I mean, I told my mom, I just didn't passing. We're just talking. Yeah. I was at

therapy yesterday. She's like, like a physical therapist. Like, no, like a therapist, therapist.

She was all taken back. You know, do you talk about me in those sessions? Absolutely. You know,

you're the root of all this shit. Um, um, and, uh, my life is running out my sleeve, man. And, uh,

so my life starts to change. You know, I still want to be sober. I still want to go to meetings,

but I'm afraid to stop.

Going to the Pacific group for five years, man. I'm, I'm 20. I'm coming up on 20 years sober at

this point. And, uh, I'm afraid because what I hear is that when people leave PG, man, they get

loaded. You don't see them. They've got loaded. No one actually told me that, but that's just what

my perception was, you know? And I stayed and I was getting worse and I was getting worse.

So I talked to my sponsor about it and he's like, start going to one outside meeting. I'd never been

to an outside meeting. I'm not going to an outside meeting. I'm not going to an outside meeting. I'm

not going to an outside meeting, you know, except for the Valley club in that first year. So 20 years

goes by. I've just been going to Pacific group, man. So I started going to meetings in Venice

cause that's where I lived. Um, and I found that other meetings have good, they're respectful,

you know, they, um, they're of service. And I was like, man, I'm good. I'm gone, you know?

And, uh, and I'll tell you what, you know, like it came to pass that who was, who was really my

friends who were really my friends and who really were not, you know, people turn their back on me.

You know? Um, and it really, it broke my heart, you know? Um, and, uh, you know, I started going

outside meetings. I go to men's stags now. Um, I'm secretary at Monday night and CNO speaker.

That's the only open meeting I go to. Um, my home group is the USR men's stag on Thursday. We have,

uh, three classic members here. Some of the best members. Yeah. He's the president. Um, um, and,

uh, you know, and it's better, it's easier for me. It's not, not that it's easier. It's that I

never liked going to men's stags because there was no women there, you know? And I go to men's

stags. I can, I can be, I can be, I hear more honesty, you know, and people are, you know,

they don't have to have a, a, a bravado and trying to impress, um, whatever the case might be,

you know? Um, it's just what I needed. And when, when it was the right time,

and, um, and again, my life changed, my sobriety changed. So I have an open mind.

My, my mind is more open today about how sobriety should be for me. You know? Um,

I go to three meetings a week. That's the least amount of meetings I've ever gone to.

And I have balance, you know, it's like, I've got this either, you know, like seven, I heard,

I heard when I was new, if you're, if you're 30 days sober and you're not going to seven meetings

a week, you're like, I'm not going to seven meetings a week. You're like, I'm not going to

If you're 30 years sober and you're going to seven meetings a week, you're a loser. You know,

there's gotta be like a balance, you know? It's like, I used to leave, I used to leave the house.

I'm going to seven meetings a week. I would leave the house. My kids would be asleep and I'd kiss

them goodbye. And I'd get home at 10, 30, 11 at night after my meeting and fellowship. And they

would be asleep, you know, for years. I'm like, and I would think, man, there's something wrong

here. There's something wrong here, you know? Um, and I've got, I had to have that balance.

I need to spend time with my kids. I need to spend time with my woman, you know? Um, I need to

have, yeah, I need to have quality of life. Um, and for, for years, you know, after getting divorced,

it's like, man, I would, I would be dating a new girl like two days later. And then after her,

it's like, I was afraid to be alone, you know? And I had to, I had to learn how to be alone.

You know, I used to, my,

would say, you need to have a night where you don't go to a meeting and you don't go on a date.

Man, that was tough. That was tough. I'd never thought it. I mean, I didn't think I was so

afraid of being by myself. I was like, I'm not afraid of being by myself. I was, man. I was

incapable of it. And now I love it. I love when I get home and there's no one home. Napping is like

my sport now. I'm like, oh, nap. She wants to call and say, hey, how was your day? Tell me about your

day. I'm like, man, I'm napping. This is me time. If you're new or newer, I had to follow

people that were doing or that had what I wanted. Good men, guys that actually did what they said

they were going to do, who were good fathers, who were good businessmen. Because there's a bunch of

broke fools in this program that you should probably not go get financial advice from.

You know, you have to, you know,

and there's plenty of successful people in the program and in business and in relationships,

you know? And it's like, I believe if I do what they do, I'll get what they get, you know? And

that's come to pass for me. You know, life is killer. I just got back from vacation and I was

like, man, I can't wait to get home. You know, the last couple of days, I was like, man, I love my

life. I do. I'm not running from it. I love my life. So I want to thank Quality of Life for

asking me to come.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks, man.