From Abuse to Sobriety: John's Journey

Now, I'd like to introduce your main speaker, John H.

Hi, everyone. My name is John. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is December 24th, 1988, and

I'm grateful to be here, and I'm grateful to participate in my own sobriety. I want

to thank Michelle for coming out. We've been hanging out a little bit. We're dating. We'll

see how this goes, because she has not heard my story. Wonder how it's going to turn out

tonight, huh? Well, I'm going to try to tell you what happened, what it used to be like,

what happened, and what it's like today. When I got to AA, I didn't believe in a higher

power. I didn't believe in much of anything. I was shut down emotionally. I can tell you

tonight before I came up here to speak, I went into the bathroom back there, and I said

a little prayer to my higher power, to my God, and that's totally opposite of how I

got here, completely 100 percent opposite of how I walked into the doors of the house

of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had an unusual childhood. My parents were partiers. They

were abusive. They were not really suitable for parents. They liked to do it their way,

I guess you could say, and I'm a direct result, I think, of that in certain aspects. It doesn't

make me an alcoholic. Really, what makes me an alcoholic is the fact that when I ingest

alcohol into my system, I become completely unpredictable. I don't know who I'm going

to be or what I'm going to do. I don't know who I'm going to be or what I'm going to do.

I don't know who I'm going to be or what I'm going to do or how it's going to turn

out that night. I might be a lot of fun. I might be a whole lot of trouble. I can remember

being like around, say, six, seven years old. I have my earliest memories, and it was pretty

abusive. My dad was physically abusive. He would hit on us. He was a pretty gnarly guy,

and he would party and drink and get out of control. Throw a little whirl in there.

I was born with an imperfection.

Imperforated anus, they called it. They didn't exactly tell me about that as a kid, but what

happened was at that same age, I didn't have control over my bowels. I needed to go to the

doctors, and my parents weren't doctor-oriented people. They were more, my dad would, he had a

stick about that long and about that big around him. Things didn't go the way he thought they

should go. He would start whipping on that, and that stick would hit my ass. It would hit my back.

It would hit my legs, and I developed a strong hatred for my folks and a strong hatred for

society because I eventually would go to the doctor. I would go to the doctor. I would go to the

doctor. I didn't withdraw from school in a big way. I didn't mesh with other kids. I became a

target pretty quick. It's tough to play in sports. I was drawn to sports. I liked them. I enjoyed

sports, but I couldn't really do the whole sporting thing as a kid because it's kind of

tough when you can't control your bowels. All of a sudden, shit happens. No joke, people.

Forrest Gump said it, right? That's a drag when you're a little guy. That's a drag.

Then when you're taught that it's actually probably not a good thing,

like a normal bodily function is an abnormal thing. That's the way I live. I started hiding

things. I started lying at a real young age, and I got pretty good at it. Somewhere around,

I don't know, sixth, seventh grade, I wanted to be just like my folks, and they were smoking and

drinking and partying. I started doing those things. My dad would have solutions for those

with that stick. I got a bucket shoved over my head one time, and that stick came out.

And it was a weird childhood. It was a really weird childhood. And at about the, I don't know,

junior high school, somewhere around maybe the eighth grade or so, I remember I got in a fight

with a kid. And all of a sudden, people were treating me different at school. They treated

me different. And so I kind of learned that that behavior would change how people perceived me.

And about that same time, I started smoking a lot of pot. It started becoming readily available,

and I started smoking pot. And I started passing out. All of a sudden,

guys were calling me by my name. Guys knew my name. They knew who I was. And girls were being

nice all of a sudden. And that was abnormal. I wasn't one of the popular kids, that's for sure.

And in the ninth grade, I was arrested the first time. I got busted selling some pot at school,

and the cops said, you know, if you just tell us the truth, everything will be okay. And I believed

them. I told them the truth, right? They threw handcuffs on me, and they hauled me off to jail.

And my dad had a chain that night, about that long, a big chain, because I had been stealing

bicycles. And I had some trophy chains there. And he went to town on me with that thing. He was going

to teach me not to be like him. But he was still the same guy. And all I ever wanted to do was be

like my own man. I just wanted my pop's approval like every other little kid around, you know?

And it wasn't too long after that that I found alcohol. Alcohol was by far my saving grace.

Alcohol saved my life. I love alcohol to a T. When I drank it, it changed who I was and how I acted.

It changed my perception of the world. It changed my perception.

Of all you, all them, it changed everything for me. And I chased that for a long time. I loved it

profusely. I would drink daily. We would go to stores, and we would jack some stuff right out

of the store. We'd take it, and we'd be high and drunk all the time. I started stealing. I

stole more cars than I can count. And we would take these cars, and we would run into a 7-Eleven,

grab some booze, run out, jump in the car and take off. Didn't matter much about license plates. We

could pull up to a gas pump, gas the car up, and just cruise along.

Didn't have to pay in advance back then. And we totaled all those cars. I drove a car into a house

in Bel Air one night. That was a doozy. Down the lawn and crossed into the wall, and we took off

running, and everyone's chasing us. It was kind of fun, actually. It wasn't a good thing. We were

out of control. There were a bunch of kids that were out of control. And as time marched on,

I was getting in more trouble. When I was 15, I was arrested for, I think, five accounts of

commercial burglary. And it wasn't anything.

We weren't selling those cars. We weren't doing anything crazy. We'd walk up to a storefront. It

was down on Pico Boulevard that night. And we'd smash the front window out. We knew there'd be

some money on top of the safe. We'd open the thing up, the startup money for the next day. We'd take

it, and we'd split it. We'd do a couple of those a night, and we'd party all night. And eventually,

we got caught for that. And I can remember standing in juvenile court, and they were talking about

sending me away, foster homes, and stuff like that. And I'd end up back in my parents' custody.

I was to get sent over to UCLA for therapy. And they thought I needed some therapy. And as I sat

in the UCLA study group, whatever it was, it was an intern. And she proceeded to tell me what a

screwed up kid I was, and how abused I was, and all this stuff. And all I did was get more and

more angry. It pissed me off to hear that. I didn't want to hear that. Who are you to judge

my family? It's my family. It's all I got. But even then, I think I kind of knew. I kind of knew.

You know, we weren't your average family. You know, we were that family that,

moved into a neighborhood, and people tolerated us. And when we moved out, people were happy. You

know, we rented and bounced around, and the grass was this tall. And it was horrible. It was really

terrible when looking back on it. But it was all that we knew, you know. And I started drinking

more, and I started partying more. And I started getting in trouble more and more. I got my first

DUI when I was 16. And it was a slap on the hands. It was no big deal. And by the time I was 18,

I started partying with my parents.

Some were around 17-ish, you know. They became not as aggressive that way, but yet we were

partying together. And our house was, it was the loosey-goosey place, man. Anything went in our

house. You know, we had this party one night, and oh man, there's a guy passed out on our couch. And

we kicked everyone out, and we wanted to get this guy out of there. And he wasn't budging. He was

passed out. And we decided, in our infinite wisdom, me and my dad, we would put an M-80

on his chest, and we would light it. And that would surely wake him up. It didn't. We put it on

there. I lit that thing, and boom, you know, and blew up in his face. And it was just, you know,

it was kind of like the Wild West, you know. Anything went. We didn't give a shit, really.

We grabbed him by his heels. We drug him across the floor, down the stairs, out the walkway,

his head's bouncing on the cement all the way out, down some stairs. And we left him on the

sidewalk, you know. And he was gone in the morning. And he never came back to our house, you know.

I mean, it was...

That's the way it went, you know. With a lot of that kind of behavior, you know, I can remember

being out for, I don't know, a three, four, five-day run. And my mom was having a party with

her co-workers. It was a Christmas party. And I came back to see all these people having all this

fun in this house, in my folks' house, you know. And it was pretty lively event. There was a couple

of guys that were just having the greatest time. They were dancing. They had these beautiful girls

with them. And I just hated them. I just saw them. And I saw those people from when I was a young kid,

identified them. And I'm staring them down. And the next thing you know, I got one of them. We're

out front. I'm slamming them into the van. His buddy's coming up behind me, cold cocking me.

And we're just going at it. And eventually, it gets broken up. And, you know, I'm sitting in

the garage, bloodied up. Those guys are out of there. And never really occurred to me how my mom

might have felt when she went back to work the next day, you know, or following, you know. Her

party got broke up by her drug addict, alcoholic son, you know, that caused, you know, it was...

I'm sure it was pretty embarrassing.

But, you know, she wasn't really a real follower either, you know. I ended up getting a few more

DUIs and getting in more trouble. I was going to jail more often. And I had picked up a, I guess

it was my fourth, yeah, my fourth DUI. And, you know, I just finished serving 150 days on that

thing or something like that. And every time I would get out of jail, I was going on a, you know,

I was spending more and more time in jail. And I'd come out and I'd say, you know, I want to be

normal. I just want to be a normal guy, you know. Go to school, be a normal person in society. Try

to do, try to do what other people do. And it would last maybe a day, two, maybe three days at

the most. Just like it says on page, I think it's 24 of the big book. I would forget. I would forget

what it was like. And it says it in italicist on 24 of the big book. And it's dear to my heart to

this day. I read that page frequently because I forget. I forget what it's like and what I do and

what happens when I get drunk. And so there I was getting out of jail and I'm going to be a good guy

again. And I'm not going to do the things that I've been doing.

And meanwhile, I had hooked up with my cousin. I'd married a guy who was in a union. So now I

go into an apprenticeship school with a bunch of iron workers and we're hanging iron and

apprenticeship school is a big, big, huge party and kind of run with the pack. And those guys

are a little wild. They're kind of fun. You know, we go into bars and, you know, we kind of do what

we want. And I don't want to do that anymore either because I want to be that normal guy,

you know. I just want to stay sober and do the right thing, right?

I was out on a job out in Rancho Cucamonga or something. And I had gone back to AA because

I'd gotten that nudge from the judge when I was a teen. And this time I really wanted to be there.

I wanted to be in Alcoholics Anonymous. I was trying. I was going to the ballet club. I was

going to the hole in the sky. I was checking out the nest. I was doing all the local clubs around

here. I'm from this area. And, you know, I was sitting on that beam that afternoon. It was a

Friday night. And I thought to myself, whoever heard of a 22-year-old iron worker can't have a

beer after work with a boy.

Whoever heard of that? That's ridiculous. 22 years old, right? So I cracked a beer and I had a beer

with the guys that night. Pretty sure they all went home, but I sure as hell didn't. I went to

the liquor store. I picked up some more. Then I went over to Tonga and I picked up some Coke.

Then I found my buddy and we started hitting the bars. And then, you know, we're up and running.

And then about two, three in the morning, you know, the bars are closed and we're cruising

down Sepulveda. I lived on Sepulveda over there at Sherman Way in Sepulveda. And the lights come

on, you know, and I'm getting pulled over.

And I passed their test. He hauls me out of the car and he has me do the test. And I'm doing all

the walking and everything. And it turns out, though, I had wounds. Turns out I got some more.

And so he hauled me into jail. And I'm sitting in there and I was cuffed. And they brought the

breathalyzer over. And I blew a three-point or 0.31, I think it was, a 0.31, 0.32. I was drunk

off my ass. But I was so jacked up on Coke, I passed their stupid little test, you know. I was

good to go, you know. But that was my fifth DUI. And I'm thinking, man, I just did 150 days. I got

to lock me up for a year at least, you know. And I got out of there. I got bailed out. My folks

actually bailed me out. And my parents were pretty good at the illegal shit. And what happened was

I jumped bail. I skipped out. And I thought, you know, I'm not going to jail. I'm not going to do

that. I do not want to be in their goddamn hellhole for that long. And my mom, she's a pretty

helpful woman. She didn't have much mothering skills and didn't think much about going to the

doctor or taking care of her little kids. But she sure as hell knew how to help me out. She

changed my identity, you know. So that's what I did. I changed my name, you know. We got a new

identity for me. And I became Vern Gardner. And I had a brand new life, just like that. And Vern

hadn't been in trouble ever. Vern was squeaky clean. And back to AA, I went, you know, I would

go back to Alcoholics Anonymous and try to attain some sort of sobriety. And I had no idea what I

was doing. I was angry. I was pissed off. I would stand against the wall.

And I'd be back there. And I had a very smug, angry, hostile look on my face. And if anybody

came up to me, I would push them away verbally or physically. Not even physically, but verbally. And,

you know, with my looks, I was just pissed off. And I didn't want to. I was full of fear. I didn't

know that at the time, but I was full of fear. I didn't want anyone to know who I was or what I was.

I didn't want you to know my weaknesses. I didn't want you to know anything about me. Yet I wanted

what you guys had. I wanted sobriety. And that doesn't work. That doesn't work in Alcoholics

Anonymous. It absolutely does not work.

I was to bounce around from meeting to meeting. And I found myself one more time

not staying sober. And I got this brand new idea. I thought, you know, I got a brand new truck

because I had a brand new idea. So I'm driving around in this little Ford Ranger. It's shiny.

It's black. I had stolen some rims off of a truck up in Castaic because that's how I survived out

there. And it was a beautiful little ride. And I went to a meeting and I didn't fit in. I didn't

blend in. And I left that meeting. And I went to a meeting and I didn't blend in. And I left that

meeting and I got drunk that night and I was driving up Sepulveda Boulevard again. And it was

late at night and I'm cruising along. I looked this way and I ran right into a parked car, smashed my

truck right into this parked car. And I jumped out of the truck. I tried to get it to go. It wasn't

going to go anywhere. I'm pushing this thing. I'm scrambling around because I'm thinking, shit,

you know, this wasn't the plan. It wasn't the plan to go and get drunk that night. I had probably 30

or 40 days of sobriety at that point. And I ended up running. I bailed on that. And I made it back

to my little apartment. And I was like, I'm going to get drunk. I'm going to get drunk. I'm going to

over there on Sepulveda. And I sat in my apartment and passed out. And I woke up in the morning and I

thought, man, and I really had a, yeah, that happened, man. I did it again. I did it one

more time. I did it again. And how am I going to get away with this? You know, so I did what any

smart alcoholic does. I called the police and reported it stolen right away. And they were

like, really? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's funny because we had a couple of guys

that kind of describes you. And I said, no, sir, it wasn't me. I was in my apartment all night long.

And I don't know what these guys are talking about. And they said, well, we have these witnesses.

And I guess they weren't all that credible because they didn't come through. And they did release the

car to me. And I got away with that. I did get away with that. And the car went to, got returned

to me and got, went to the insurance and got fixed. And back to Alcoholics Anonymous, I would

go, you know, and I'm trying to get sober. And what happened for me was I had wandered into a

meeting. A lot of you know that meeting. It was called Life's In Session. Liz. Yeah. And,

I remembered that meeting because it was upbeat and positive. The people there had bright eyes and

they were dressed nice. And a few of them remembered my name. I would walk in and they

gave me their cards, which I thought was kind of lame. But I had this pocket full of cards that I

wasn't going to use. And, and I went back there. I went back there because, because I saw how happy

they were. I saw, I saw what I thought I wanted to have. And there was a guy there, his name was

Steve O. And, and he was always, you got a sponsor? You got a sponsor? You need a sponsor, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I was like, I don't need your sponsorship. I really don't. I just want to get the heat off. I

want to live a normal life. You got to have a sponsor if you want to do that. So, eventually,

I asked Steve to be my sponsor. Steve, Steve became my sponsor. And, and Steve told me some

pretty important things, you know? He said, you know what? If you want to get sober, you got to

go to 90 meetings in 90 days. You got to read the book from cover to cover. You got to get

commitments at meetings. I'm like, commitments? Really? I, you know, I mean, I didn't want to

do any of it. But I listened to him. I listened to him. I like Steve. Steve was like,

five years sober at the time. He was a tree trimmer. He worked for the DWP. I could relate

to him. I was hanging iron. I was, you know, we, we had very similar lifestyles. He was a little

bit older than I was, 40 or so, you know? And, and he was a good dude. He worked out a lot. He

was always happy. He was a program of attraction to me. And so, I listened to Steve. And I got

those commitments. And, and a funny thing happened when I got those commitments. I started to become

part of a group in Alcoholics Anonymous. I started to feel like I belonged in those meetings. And I

never felt like I belonged anywhere in my life.

Never. You know, I, I, I was the guy, I, I, I got my teeth knocked out. I mean, I, you know,

I was the guy that was always causing problems. I was the guy that was always in trouble. And,

and for once in my life, I felt like, wow, you know, I'm, I'm actually feeling I'm part of

something. I wasn't real gung-ho to do any kind of step work or read a book. I couldn't really

read that good. Kind of read at a low level because I didn't pay much attention in school.

And I was a little preoccupied with a lot of different things. And I hung around the

meetings for a long time. And around, I don't know, maybe 90 days of sobriety or so, I found

myself sitting in that apartment on Sepulveda Boulevard. And I pulled out a 30-30, had a big

rifle, stepped under my, under my couch. And I unloaded that gun and I stuck it in my mouth and

I pulled the trigger. I did it once with my eyes open and once with my eyes closed. And I wanted

so badly to have the courage to load that gun, but I did not have the guts to do it. And maybe I

didn't really want to do it. I don't know, but I did put that gun in my mouth and I did pull that

trigger and I wanted to see what it felt like. And, um, I told Steve the next day, I told him,

the next day what, what I had done. And, and with Steve, Steve was interesting because he would

run everything by his sponsor, Chuck. And this time he didn't, this time he didn't, he seemed

to have the answer. He looked right at me and he said, John, you know what? That's, that's what's

going to happen. He said, either you're going to do one of two things. You're, you're, you're either

going to blow your brains out or you're going to learn how to use the steps of alcohol and

alcoholics anonymous to live your life because drugs and alcohol don't work for you no more.

If they did, you wouldn't be sitting in a seat in alcoholics anonymous. Your best thinking got you

a seat right here in alcoholics anonymous. And, and it pissed me off when he said that. And I

remember leaving there and I was angry and I was thinking, you know, and I went home and I thought

about it. I was like, guy's right, man. My best thinking got me a seat in alcoholics anonymous.

And so, um, I listened to him and I started doing the steps. I started, um, his way of doing the

steps was first I had to read the book, which took forever for me, Jesus Christ. I finally got

through the book, right? God damn, that thing was long. Longest book I ever read in my life at that

time. Right. And, uh, man, you know, so, so then we got into the steps, right. And I had to sit,

he, what he would have me do is read these steps, you know, 14 days in a row. And if I missed once,

I had to start all over again. So I was fit before work. I was fit before work. All my buddies are

having coffee, reading the paper, doing whatever they're going to do. Right. And I'm reading my

book in my truck and they'd come over and I'm like, I'm reading my book, you know, and, and I

finally, you know, and I, and I'd underline and I'd hide that. And we went through those steps.

We went through those steps, you know, and, and, and it was a bit of a game changer, you know,

and I, I didn't want to do certain things. I didn't want to do it. My step, who wants to do

that? Right. I'm living on an A this name. I got five DUIs and several warrants out there, you know,

and, and I don't really want to pony up for that, you know, and, and, uh, eventually I would

eventually that, that was to happen. And, and in, in the process of all that, I did this inventory

thing and, and the medical issue came out too, you know, and, and that was a godsend. There was a

lady named Kim Figueroa that went to those meetings at the time. A lot of you know her,

she's an amazing woman. She's a wonderful lady. Kim worked for Kaiser and I happen to have Kaiser

insurance. And, you know, Steve said something, said, why don't you go to the doctor? And I'm

like, oh, doctor, Jesus, you know? And, uh, you know, I ended up going to the doctor, my buddy

Doug, who was a year behind me in sobriety, you know, he, he drove with me and I was so frantic.

I drove up the, I think I went up an on-ramp or down an off-ramp or I went opposite on the freeway

the way I was supposed to. And I was stone cold sober, you know, but I was wound. I was just

wound over this situation, you know? And, and, uh, and we made it, we got to the doctor without

going head on ahead with anybody. And, and then, you know, Kim, Kim, you know, would call her,

her, uh, her higher ups. And if I had a problem, my God, that lady stepped up for me, you know,

talk about the program working in my life. You know, my own mom couldn't take me to a goddamn

doctor when I was five years old and she worked at Brobner Memorial Hospital that, you know,

go explain that. Talk about a resentment, right? But Kim Figueroa, she, she stepped up for me and,

and I'm grateful to that lady to this day. I, you know, I love that lady to death, you know,

and her husband, David, what a great guy, you know? But, um, that's how Alcoholics Anonymous

started working in my life, you know? And, uh, it just got better and better and better from there.

You know, I, I was, I was at my folks' house. They told me, you know, just go and act as if,

you know, cause I had resentments. You start getting sober, you start looking at your parents

and you're like, you know, these people are assholes, you know? And, uh, and I, you know,

I said, go, go there, you know, just, just go there for Thanksgiving or something. So I did.

I don't remember how much time I had, but I walked into my folks' house and, and, you know,

they were the same old people they had always been, you know, my dad poured that much whiskey

into three glasses, you know, one was for his wife, one was for me and one was for him, you know?

And, and, and he put about that much Coke in each one of them. And he's like, here you go. And I'm

like, dad, I'm sober, you know, I'm sober. I'm not doing that anymore, you know? And they did not

support the whole sobriety thing, right? He looked at me and he said, you know, they're going to

brainwash you. They're going to brainwash you. What do you think, man? We're your family, right?

And I'm like, oh man, you know, come on, you know, I mean, a lot of pressure, a lot of pressure,

right? I left there that night. I didn't drink the whiskey and I went to a meeting the next day.

And again, I talked to Steve about it, you know, and, and he looks at me and he goes, you know

what? You need a brainwashing. You need a brainwashing. You think, your thinking is screwed

up, man. And he was right. He was, again, this guy is right, you know? Eventually I attained a year,

you know, and, and, and, and in that license session, I'm sure you guys do a lot of that

around here too. You know, they did a lot of fun stuff. We did a lot of fun stuff. We were going

on boats, right, Bruce? We were going on boats. We were having a good time, right? We were, we were,

we were doing watches. We were staying up till midnight and watching newcomers get,

get a year of sobriety. We were, we were out to coffee every night, you know, weekends were just,

we were just all hung out together. And we went to the beach, just going to the beach with a bunch

of sober people, cooler full of Coke. Well, you know, soda pop, you know, it was awesome, right?

You know, we're having a good time. We're having a lot of fun and sobriety became fun. Sobriety

became a good place.

For me, uh, as time marched on, it got better and better. You know, I, I ended up going back

to jail and clearing up the name and getting my own name. And I thought, man, this is great. You

know, I got, I actually have my own driver's license in my wallet and it's got my name on it.

And, uh, and, and I got no warrants out for my arrest. And all I got to do is get off this

probation, this five years, this, they, they wanted to hang a lot of time over my head.

They were pissed off about that whole running thing and change your name. They don't like that

stuff. And, uh, I ended up with like a five year suspended sentence and I served about

90 days or something up at super max. And, and, uh, and life was good. Life was good. You know,

I, I ended up, uh, deciding that I didn't want to do the construction thing anymore. And, and I,

and I started my own little business up. And before I did that, I thought, you know, you know,

I look pretty good on paper, you know, maybe I'll try to buy a house or a condo or something.

And I picked up a little house out in Santa Clarita and I moved out to the, to the suburbs,

you know, and, uh, and life was getting better. And then I met this beautiful tall blonde,

you know, and next thing you know, I'm married, you know, and, and we had this big AA wedding,

you know, and, and, and it was a blast dancing. And there was a guy named Roy that used to come

around. We had the terrible, this terrible, uh, uh, guy that did the music, whatever you call

those guys, you know, he sucked so bad, you know, and I'm Roy, can you, can you, man? And Roy jumped

up there, man, to gift a gab. Roy starts playing music and talking and we're having a great time.

It was, it was a blast, man. You know, welcome, welcome back to the world, you know, slowly,

but surely I started to feel things. I started to feel emotions. I started to feel things that

I really didn't know about, you know? And I,

and I ended up staying married to that woman for quite a while. And we had two beautiful kids. We

had a young, young man. And, and, uh, I can remember Don Newcomb speaking at the Saturday

night meeting and back there holding a little baby. And he's like, Hey, they're breathing in

the back of the room. You know, I mean, life was good. It was fun, you know, and it kept getting

funner and funner. And, uh, I tried to transfer my meetings out to Santa Clarita slowly, but surely,

and it worked for a little while and, uh, life got busier and better and coaching little league

and going to Girl Scouts with my daughter. And, uh, we had a pretty good little life,

the business was doing well. We were making money, uh, a couple of toys in the garage all

of a sudden, you know, I mean, life got really, really nice. And I drifted away from Alcoholics

Anonymous. I slowly, but surely drifted away. And, um, I quit coming to meetings. I can,

I was doing H and I work. I had a great panel up at Warner Springs when it was up off of Lake Hughes

road, had that panel for five, six years. It was, it was my pride and joy. I loved that panel.

I loved going up there. I'd get with men and women and we'd go up there and we'd have a wonderful

evening. And then we'd share with a bunch of spodes up there who are still,

doing their thing, you know, and they'd all be grateful. And then you'd be in a meeting and one

or two of them might show up here and there and they'd shake your hand and slap you on the back.

Hey, remember me? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who are you? You know? And, uh, you know, yeah,

I was in Warner Springs, man. I heard you talk up there, you know? And, and it was, it was,

what a, what a warm, wonderful feeling, you know? But, um, that was the last thing I remember doing.

It was around 12 years of sobriety. I didn't, I eventually dropped the panel and dropped

everything and wasn't going to meetings for quite a while. And, uh, a funny thing happens when you

don't go to meetings, you get restless, irritable and discontent if you're an alcoholic like me.

And that happened to me. I got a little bit more restless, a little bit more irritable.

Um, I'm trying to build that business and it became a little bit more important than probably

it should have been. And the stress levels got higher and higher. And there were some

disagreements between the wife and I, and, uh, we were, we were, you know, we were doing the

best we could, but, um, you know, one day I, I found myself a little more irritable than I

should have been. And my behavior became less than acceptable to society. And, uh,

I found myself cuffed and stuffed and hauled off to the beautiful Beverly Hills jail.

And, uh, and I was somewhere around maybe 16, 17 years of sobriety. And, uh, and I'm thinking,

what the hell, you know, they charged me with a felony. I was charged with assault.

And, uh, I thought for sure they'll just reduce it. It won't be a big deal. You know,

this is not that big of a deal, right? I mean, how bad could this be, right? Well,

they made a really big deal out of it and they were really serious about it. And all of a sudden

they printed out a DOJ sheet on me and it's got Vern on there and it's got all,

all the burglaries, all the stores, all the cars, all, it's got everything on there. And

they're saying things to me and my lawyer, like, are you still sober? You know, have you, have you,

did you, did you change your lifestyle? And I'm, no, I didn't. I did not. But, uh, but I'm standing

in front of a judge and I have to look at myself because, you know, all the other times I was ever

arrested, I could blame on alcohol and drugs. I had reasons to blame it on things, you know,

it was easy to say, well, because, you know, but this time I was stone cold sober. How do you blame

that on anything? But you're still sober. And I'm like, well, I'm not sober. I'm not sober. I'm not

sober. And, uh, and, you know, this went on for a year, strained the hell out of the marriage.

I ended up with another suspended sentence and, uh, oh man, 980 hours of community service

and five years of anger management twice a week. That'll wake you up, right? And, you know,

and I'm not about to violate my probation because I'm thinking how I'm going to keep my business

and my kids and my wife and all, you know, and doing that whole song and dance and having that

kind of stress put on you. It changes how your life goes, you know?

and I got through it all and what they taught me in anger management was I needed to change my

thinking. I had to change my thinking. Well, that's kind of what they teach us in Alcoholics

Anonymous, guys. We need to change how we think. If you're anything like me, you come in here with

stinking thinking and if you stay sober long enough, you have to change that. You start off

by changing your actions. You start off by doing commitments. You start off by talking to newcomers,

making a phone call, but eventually it becomes an inside job and if it doesn't, you will probably

end up like me, I imagine. But for me, that was a reality check and it was a big reality check.

I learned that I needed to have positive thinking, to have positive feelings, to have positive

actions because when I have negative feelings, they turn into negative feelings and those turn

into negative actions eventually. I'm very cautious of that these days. After doing everything they

wanted me to do, the marriage was pretty strained. It was probably the demise of the marriage,

honestly. Eventually, we were to get divorced and I still wasn't

I would drive by meetings out in Santa Clarita and think I should stop in there when I get done with all this other stuff. And then after all that other stuff was done, I should stop in there when I, you know, when the kids are grown, I should stop in there. But I never really stopped in there until the marriage fell apart and life got pretty stressful. And I found myself standing in front of the cabinet over my fridge, which had a bottle of vodka in there for my mother-in-law to keep her at bay, bottle of whiskey in there for my dad when he showed up to keep him comfortable.

And a couple of other things, you know, because we would have dinner parties with the neighbors. We were very social. Our neighbors loved us. I found myself looking at those and I pulled them out of the cupboard one night and the thought was there. And I poured them down the drain and I took my ass to a meeting that night. And I walked into a men's stag out there in Santa Clarita. It was a place called Stepping Stones. And they called on me immediately. They saw newcomers, what they thought. And I went up to the podium and I just spewed it out. You know, I got real transparent real quick.

And I started going back to meetings. And I did exactly what I was taught in Life in Session. I was confused and I was angry and life was falling apart. And I stuck my hand out to a newcomer. And this guy had zero time, a couple of days or something. And next thing you know, I'm driving this guy around and I'm listening to him. And suddenly my demising marriage didn't seem so bad. Suddenly listening to this guy who's on a meth program and has seizures.

And, you know, he's just, just,

just a mess made my life seem pretty doggone good, you know. And I started coming back to meetings. And I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous again. And by the grace of God go I, because I had a, my son was 17 at the time. They were pissed off. They were pissed off, their mom and dad. And my son had started partying. And, you know, he was getting in a little bit of trouble in here and there. And I had these two teenagers living with me. Their mom was gone. She had other plans. And, you know, there's holes in the walls because, you know, we're a mess now, right? And he's partying.

And he's got a friend who's got a dad that's a cop that says, it's okay to party. They party at my house, you know. And I'm like, dude, you know, the cops kids never go to jail. It's, it's, it's, it's our kids that go to jail, you know. And you're going to be that kid if you keep doing what you're doing. And sure enough, he was. And he went on, he still, he still managed to go to school through his, through what he's doing. But I had to cut that dude loose, you know. I had to say, look, you know what, go do your thing, man. Because my daughter was younger and she hadn't partied, you know. And the best thing I could do was just to keep her away from him.

And, and he went and did his own thing. And eventually he called me up and said, dad, you're right, you know, you're right. I, I, he had just gotten out of jail. And, and he, and he wanted some help, you know. And, and I, and I had to sit down with him and tell him, you know what, I'll help you. This is your one and only time. But I will help you. I will walk with you this. But if you choose to do it again, you'll be on your own. And I won't help you. And I had to serve a dose of tough love to him. And that was really hard. Because all I wanted to do was like bring him home and baby his ass, you know. But, but that wouldn't have done it. That wouldn't have done it. I know, I know how hard family is.

And, you know, eventually he ended up, he ended up, he did end up coming home. He, he, he quit the school thing. He was going to college. He was playing some baseball. He had a little scholarship out there. And he quit doing that. And he decided to come home. And I had to tell him, you know, we made a deal that he wouldn't drink until he was 21. He was 18 when that happened. And I think he lived up to that end of the deal. But I, I neglected to say, hey, you're no pot, no pills either, you know. Right? Hello. Right? So, he's high as a kite all the goddamn time. Right? And I, and I said, you know, you can come home. You get to come home. But you can't drink in my house.

You can't smoke in my house. You can't smoke in my front line. You can't smoke in my backyard, my driveway, or my side yard. You can't smoke or do any drugs here at all, anywhere. If you want to do that, you go around the corner with the, with the idiots and do that. And if you're going to be here, you need to work and go to school. And, and, and he did that. You know, he did that. And, and, and nowadays, what happened actually was he ended up in meetings because to get a driver's license, he had to go to meetings. So, he ended up meeting and he got sober. And, and I got to be an example to him. I got to be an example. I have a, I have a letter from my daughter that says, thank you for being a sober example. How to, how to, how to, how to

deal with heartache and trouble. And, and I'm proud of that. I'm proud of that. Thank God I put those bottles down and went and helped out a newcomer. Thank God I was willing to get on my knees and ask God one more time. And I don't believe in your God, but you know what? I kind of do, but I don't really, but I kind of do, you know? And I asked God for, you know, some help with this shit, you know? And, and, and, and that's an amazing thing. That's an absolute amazing thing, you know? Today, today, both those kids are doing really well. I have one, she's in school over in Hawaii and she's killing it. She's killing it. She's killing it. She's killing it. She's killing it. She's killing it. She's killing it. She's killing it. She's killing

it. She's 19 years old. She's got two years in, she's entering her third year of college and she's an amazing girl, you know? And my son, he's since sobered up and I think he's drinking again, but we'll see how that plays out, you know? But he's going to school. He's over at COC. He's got a, he's got a year and a half in and he's planning on going to Santa Cruz and he's got a girlfriend up there that's, that's smart as a whip and he's got a reason to live now. So I guess that'll work for him. But as for me, how blessed am I? I get to go to meetings now. I'm secretary of a

Wednesday night meeting. I go to meetings Mondays and Fridays and, and I get to participate in my own sobriety and I almost threw it all away. I almost threw it all away just by being complacent. About three years ago, my dad died. He died drunk on the floor. I have a video of him defiant as hell. You know, I didn't go see him. They had moved out to Florida and, and that was the end of that. You know, that relationship ended and it was about a year later when I was talking to my brother and he was talking about my mom and I, and now I have a sponsor, you know?

And he said, you know, maybe you ought to go see her. You know, you didn't go see your dad. Maybe you should go see her. Oh man, I don't know, Tom. Yeah, when are you going to plan to go see her? You know, so I, so I booked a, I booked a flight. I flew out to Florida and I went and saw my mom and she was laid up in the hospital and death warmed over and, and we had a conversation, you know, and she, she's not an accountable woman. She is not an accountable woman by any stretch of the imagination, but we were able to talk and we had a tense relationship our entire lives, but we were able to talk that day and, and we ended up with, you know, a lot of I love you's.

And as I walked out of that hospital room, she was yelling out, I love you. I love you. I'm like, I love you, mom. I got to get on a flight and go back to LA. I love you, you know? And, and that's the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous working in my life, you know? She died three days after I, after I flew home. She, she, you know, and I kind of wonder if she wasn't waiting for me. Maybe, maybe she wanted her son to show up, you know? And what a, what a blessing, you know? What a blessing. What if I had gotten, you know, what if I had gone out and gotten drunk that night? There, there's no way that I'd be walking those kids through what they're going through.

There's no way that they would have dealt with anything. My, my children's mom, my ex-wife, two years after our divorce, she died. She, she had a heart attack and, and, and, and dropped dead. And my son hadn't talked to her in a year and he felt the guilt was off the charts, you know? My daughter was starting to rebuild a relationship with her. And to be able to walk through that with them, to walk beside them, it wasn't, what do you say? What do you say to a kid whose mom's just died? There's really nothing you can say. But I was able to

be there and I was able to be with them. And my son had the luxury, luxury is the right word, but he had the responsibility of being the guy who looked at the doctors and said, let's take her off life support. And being her, her, you know, her, the only 18 year old and her, and her closest living relative. And he felt terrible about that. He, he was, he called me up crying three days later, you know, I shouldn't have taken mom off life support. I shouldn't have taken her off life support. What was I doing? You know? And, and I was able to tell him, look, you know, that should have been my responsibility. Really, it really should have

been, but we were divorced. And the fact of the matter is we all sat there and we made a collective decision. We talked to nurses, we talked to doctors, her sisters and brothers were there. And we all walked through that together. Yeah, you might've said the final words, but we made a collective decision. By the grace of God go I, that I stayed sober, that I could be with my kids and give them the hugs and the support that they needed to deal with that kind of stuff. Because they don't, they would have lost a mom and a dad. And that would have been, that would have been hell. I don't think that boy would be sober today. I don't think he'd be in school. I think he'd probably be in

jail just like I was. And I'm grateful for that every day. I'm grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, Steve, Steve O was my sponsor. If I could see him again today, I would thank that man profusely. I'd give him a big hug. And Chuck too, Chuck Andreessen, you guys probably know a lot about Chuck. And those men taught me how to stay sober. They taught me how to live in this world as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, as a sober member of society. And most of the time out there, I'm a pretty responsible guy. Most of the time I have a lot of blessings. My life is

bountiful. You know, I'm at the lake. I'm hanging out here. My sponsor's a hell of a fun guy. We were at the lake last week having a good time. You know, it's a beautiful thing. You know, life's in session. Over there at Stepping Stones, they have stones all over the wall. And everybody's got their sobriety day. And everyone chooses a little slogan to put under it, you know. And mine says life's in session. You know, because life is in session. And I love living. I feel blessed to have the life that I have. I'm overjoyed with it.

I couldn't be happier with it. I've got five minutes. If I could, you know, if I could carry the message to anybody, I would hope that there's some newcomer here that might think to themselves, you know, I'm in the right place. I'm in the right place with the right people. And, you know, get a commitment, get involved, read the book, you know, and learn how to apply the steps in your life. For me, I live a lot in step 10, 11, and 12 these days because it's exactly what they taught me in anger management.

You know, step 10, I keep my house clean, right? I have a clean conscious. When I do inventories, when I take accountability for my behaviors, when I make right my wrongs. And that was a big lesson. When my ex-wife died, I was a resentful guy. And I wished I wasn't. If I could go back, I'd have been a much better ex-wife. And I can't fix that. There's no way to fix that. I don't get to fix that. She was my best friend for 15 years. And I cannot fix that. It's a done deal now. So I try very hard to not have resentments.

I learned a big lesson with that. And I study step 10. I live in step 10. And I keep the resentments down. I keep myself in check. And that gives me the ability to think about having a conscious contact with my higher power. If I have a conscious contact with my higher power throughout the course of my day, because I was big on praying in the morning, going out there, ramrodding through my day, slapping and pushing and getting through wherever I wanted to be and getting shit done. And then I'd come home and I'd say a prayer at night and think everything was great.

I need to have a conscious contact with my higher power throughout the course of my day. And when somebody is getting in my way, I need to take a step back, pause when agitated. I need to think about, hey, what's going on with that person? Maybe they're having a rough day, right? Instead of thinking or coming at them. And that's how I get it. By doing that step 10, by doing that step 11, I have that conscious contact with my higher power. It teaches me to have those positive thoughts. And I don't think like that. Left to my own devices, I am a negative son of a gun.

And if you're in my way, that's going to affect you as much as it affects me. So nowadays, good thoughts bring good actions. Good thoughts bring good feelings. Good feelings bring good actions. And that in turn gets me to step 12, where I can practice these principles in all my affairs. And if I can practice them in all my affairs and I can carry the message to an alcoholic still suffers at some level, whether I'm in a meeting, whether I'm a secretary meeting, or I'm working, I've got this guy I sponsor. Jesus Christ, that guy called me all the time, man.

He used to drive me up the wall. Drive me up the wall, man. Now I look forward to him calling. I've sponsored him for close to four years now. I love it when that guy calls. But there was a time when I didn't. And being of service, having that practice, these principles on all of our affairs is not an easy chore. That means when somebody overpays, do I tell them the truth? Yeah. Yeah, I do. I credit their account. I don't wait to see if they question me and say, hey, by the way, because it'd be in my,

best interest to maybe just, you know, just credit them for the month that they're there and see if they kind of pick it up the following month. And if they don't, eh, a little score for John, you know? I don't do that now, you know? Now, you know, it's credited to their account and I live a pretty clean, honest life. And that's the gift of sobriety. That's the gift of sobriety because I get to have a clean conscience. I get to have a good life. I get to come out and do stuff like this. I have a bunch of non-sober friends. I have a bunch of sober friends. I'm blessed, you know? I'm going to tell you, you know, I used to hate sobriety.

I used to hate this thing. I used to hate this thing when I was new. But the truth of the matter is I'm overpaid. I am so overpaid. Alcoholics Anonymous gave me back my life. It gave me back the ability to have a higher power. It filled up me, gave me the ability to feel again. And I'm forever grateful for that. But thank you for having me out here to share tonight.