Finding Sobriety Through Faith and Fellowship

Thank you, Bridget.

Now I'd like to introduce our main speaker for tonight, Julie.

Hi, everybody.

I'm Julie and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, it's great to be here.

And I wanna thank Oscar for asking me to share

and Teresa for showing up as moral support.

And I wanna thank Alex for introducing himself

because I got sober October 3rd, 1987.

And I've stayed sober sometimes out of fear,

but it's a good fear because, oh, I can knock this over.

Has anybody ever knocked this over?

I mean, okay, because I'm leaning on it.

But I was gonna say I'm sober a long time.

It's almost my birthday again, thank God.

And I don't share that often anymore.

I got sober in Chandler Lodge

and I lived near there and someone took me there.

And thank God for Chandler Lodge

because they had a meeting every day.

I think they had it at six, at nine, at noon,

at three, at six again, and then at eight.

And I was there a lot, a lot.

You know, I was 24 and I had tried to stop

for years already.

I was, when I, I remember turning 21 and I was like,

you know, I was already done.

I was already, it just was already too much any time.

I started with smoking pot.

So I was always high, but I ended with alcohol.

And I'm so glad I ended with alcohol

because when I got sober,

I tried to go to some of those other meetings.

And I tried to relate.

And I tried to get any kind of a stable foundation.

And I kept coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous

because the foundation was here

and everything came from the 12 steps.

And as a newcomer, I was very, I was all over the place.

I mean, I'm kind of still all over the place,

but the first year was so hard.

It was hard.

It was so hard to get sober and stay sober

that when somebody would slip and go out,

I would just think, you know, I would, it just,

it scares the hell out of me.

You know, it's easier to stay sober.

It's a lot easier to stay sober now

than it would be to go out.

I mean, I can't imagine, I can't imagine, I can't imagine.

That's why, that's what keeps me.

Because if I ever start thinking about it,

I am very, very quickly go where I would go.

I have no interest in one glass of anything.

I never did.

When I was growing up, it was in the 70s

and my parents were young when they got married

and when they had us and neither one of them came

from families that had much wisdom.

You know, or love or, you know, they didn't,

they were kind of making it up when we were little.

And when they got divorced, I was five and I was glad.

I remember thinking that I was so relieved

that he was not going to be home

because he wouldn't be mad anymore.

That's what I thought.

I thought, and he lived really nearby.

So that was really good.

Growing up.

I always saw my dad and eventually,

eventually in the last eight years of his life,

he was sober.

And that was, that was pretty, that was miraculous.

So the first time I saw miracles was in AA.

I mean, it was a miracle to get sober.

I thought, I started going to meetings

with the girl who was my best friend at the time

and not necessarily,

Shirley today. But she had a small cocaine problem and an eating disorder. And I helped

her go into rehab. And I had a small heroin problem. But I was so controlling. When you

said that you took a hit of acid and you were high for a month, I was like, yeah, I would

rip off tiny pieces of the acid that I had and just take a lick. I was so scared. And that's the

way I did everything. I mean, that's the way I drank eventually, because I had to get off of

the hard drugs. I had someone send me to a psychiatrist who, it was so specific. He put me on

an antidepressant that was old.

That was, it would be deadly to do heroin or cocaine and be on that drug. But alcohol was

okay. And pot was fine. And one drink, it made one drink seem like two and two seem like, you

know, three, no, four or five. So I, that was perfect for me. That was just perfect, perfect,

you know, and it was all, you know, under control.

And being, being younger, I, I didn't have a family that I was in charge of yet. I didn't have,

you know, I had a little apartment and a fledgling boyfriend, you know, coming and going. And that's

how I got to AA was actually with him because he got sentenced to AA. And I would sit in the back,

I still sit in the back, but I would sit in the back and I would listen. And I would just think

they're lying. I thought,

they're lying. There's no way that I just, it was unbelievable to me that these people were so

happy and they were not drinking and not using. I, I, it just was, you know, I believed in a God

easier than I believed that you guys were sober. And so, so I was raised believing in God, but God

was sort of general and I was raised Jewish. But then I was raised Jewish. And I was raised Jewish.

And my, I was like raised by this generation of, of, um, in denial Jews, you know, like Jewish,

don't, don't hate us. And, um, um, my dad eventually became Catholic to marry this,

this woman that he fell in love with. So, and so, you know, God bless him. Um, but I mean,

at Temple, they told me when I was about eight, I think, um, the principal of Hebrew school,

or the, or the rabbi, or somebody told me, well, these stories are allegorical. These aren't

necessarily verbatim, true story. And I, I was like, oh, oh, okay. I get that. But I never

prayed to God. I know. I thought that how dare, how dare I ask for God to help me with this

problem that I had.

And, um, so I was going to meetings and I couldn't get sober. And I was trying because

the, the, the best friend was coming out of rehab and on the phone, she said,

if you don't get sober, I can't, I can't ever be around you anymore. You have to get sober.

You're an alcoholic. Julie, you're an alcoholic. And I was like, I thought I couldn't even think

I am not. I couldn't even think I am not. I probably said it, but I knew, I mean,

I was drinking, I was drinking, I was drinking, I was drinking, I was drinking, I was drinking,

I was drinking for free at my job was Jerry's Famous Deli. And, um, you know,

waitressing is really not that hard. And if you're drunk waitressing, if you're not too drunk,

you can remember who's having coffee and where, and you're really happy and you're really nice.

And they pay you a lot more money if you're really happy. So, so getting sober, it, um,

I can't forget this part. When I was almost a year sober, um, on October 1st, 1988,

I was in my car going to 7-Eleven to get cigarettes and I didn't have my seatbelt on.

And these, these guys in a Cadillac hit my Toyota Corolla and I went through the car out the window,

out the passenger window and, um, woke up like a month later in the hospital. So I was quite head

injured.

And thank God I had a year of sobriety. Oh my God. Because if I hadn't had that year of sobriety,

it, I mean, head injury is really bad, but head injury when you're wasted is

gotta be a lot worse. I mean, I can't imagine. So, so I was in the hospital for two months

and, and when they let me out, I just wanted to go to meetings. I just, I was very head injured,

but I knew I was sober and I was afraid to not be able to get on my knees and pray.

And that was how I got one day of sobriety. I forgot to say that was, um, there was this woman

at the meeting and she always shared. So I don't know where she is. I wonder where she is.

Um, her name was Sella and she was so inspirational to me. And so I asked her,

how do you get one day? How do you get one day off of everything? And she said, go home. If you

have anything, throw it away, dump it down the sink, get on your knees.

And ask God for one day of sobriety, whether you believe it or not, just see if it works,

just try it. And, and I tried it and it worked. And that was my first day. And I was

shocked, you know? So I did it every day and I got another day of sobriety and then I did it

the next day and I was still sober. So, um, before I was head injured, when I was about 90 days,

I met, um, I met my sponsor and she's still my sponsor. Thank God. I'm very lucky with that

because she had, she was a speaker at a meeting that I went to and her story was so bad. It was

very bad. It was, I felt that it was worse than, than my story. And I felt like as crazy as I

would feel, I could tell her, you know, from what she shared, I thought,

I can trust her. And it's true. I, I've trusted her and she's, she's been a, she was a member of

the Pacific group and, um, I'm really good with no rules. That's why Chandler Lodge was so good

for me because I could come late. I could leave early. I could, if, you know, if all I could

make it to was, was a piece of the meeting that day, it would save my life, you know?

And then I would, or I would come in the morning and then go later in the afternoon,

because, you know, I was pretty free. I was pretty young and pretty, my schedule was

waitressing, you know, waitressing and acting school. So, so sobriety was the most important

thing. I mean, I went to meeting, I went to a meeting every day and I went to, um, I went to,

after my head injury, I went to a meeting every day because I wasn't working. I wasn't able to

work for a while. And I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, at some point I went back to college and I, my parents were, my parents grew up as years have

gone by and my father's passed away, but, um, they pushed me to, you know, my dad was a middle

school teacher, a junior high school teacher. And he pushed me to go to college and be a teacher,

be a teacher. And I said, dad, I'm so head injured. I, I can't do that. And he said,

yes, you can. Yeah. You know,

think about all those teachers you had, you know, were any of them, weren't any of them a little bit

weird? Were any of them a little bit off, a little bit odd? I was like, yes, yes, they were. Yes.

When, when my, my junior high drama teacher was an alcoholic, definitely. We all knew that she

always smelled like alcohol, but she was such a good drama teacher. So, you know, I've really

learned how to,

act like a grownup in Alcoholics Anonymous. I haven't learned it anywhere else. Um,

I had a panel for a long time. I went every month. Um, one thing that did happen in my

head injury was my memory got really disrupted really badly. So I found things that I had

written before. And I remember, I think I found my, my four step and I was like, Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh God. Yeah.

Oh yeah. So, um, I, I, I had, I just had those bad things happen to me. I didn't get pregnant. I

didn't get married young. I didn't do those things because those things, my parents warned me not to

do, but they didn't say don't do heroin. They didn't say don't drink a lot. They never said I

done. They didn't think of it, you know, and I had no idea that I was going to be an alcoholic

because, um, I was so against it. I was so against it. I was so against it. I was so against it. I

was so against being an alcoholic because my grandpa was an alcoholic. So I was never going

to drink, you know, and drinking drank me. It's if I was an alcoholic and when I started, that was

it, you know, and I'm so lucky that I stopped at 24 because, you know, I couldn't go on that long.

I mean, when I hear when people get sober late, I'm just, I marvel at that because I was not

slow enough. You know, I,

I didn't, the only time I wasn't wasted was if I had to not be, if there was something happening

that I had to seem fine. But, um, I've sponsored a lot of people over the years and then I didn't

for a really long time. And, and now I'm privileged to sponsor my dear, dear friend, Teresa. And,

and I know what people say that sponsors do so much more for,

us than, than I do for her. I know I'm, I mean, God, you know, it's just, I just try to tell her

what, what was told to me, you know, and my sponsor still sort of treats me like I'm very

stupid sometimes, but I think it's just a habit, you know, I mean, that's the, um, because I think

I'm going to be 32 years sober and I, I want to say, Becky, I'm going to be 32 years sober,

you know?

So my sponsor,

Becky Jacobson, and she's in the Pacific group and she's very not anonymous in, in that, in this

sense. But, um, I'm trying to think of today, today, today. Um, I've been a teacher for a long

time. I've been a teacher for 20 something years and, and I teach elementary school and that was a

choice because as a head injured person, I thought,

I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.

I can't teach high school. I don't know what they know in high school. I can teach two plus five.

I could possibly, you know, and so, and then a few years ago, about five years ago, um, I had the

opportunity to, to change from regular ed to teaching theater. And I always did theater. I

always was in theater. I, that's why I went to school. You know, that's why I went to school.

And I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

that's what made me go to school because I was in a play. So that's the gift. But still,

every day, if I wake up in the morning at like six o'clock, I just want it to be over. You know,

I want to, we teachers, we want, we want vacation more than the kids want it. That's for sure.

We're always like, it's Friday. It's Friday. So, but it is a really, it has been, that's been a

gift. And if I wasn't sober, none of the,

Nothing in my life would have happened.

I got married about 18 years ago.

I'm still married, still married.

I never did anything for the, well, I did do, you know,

drinking and drugs maybe this long.

But, and I've stayed sober longer than I've been married.

But it's not easy.

It's not easy.

Sometimes it's worth it.

We have two kids.

I'm just pretending, I'm just pretending to be an adult.

You know, but kids help you pretend to be an adult

because they need a lot of things and they need support.

And at one of the schools that I go to,

there's a little placard that somebody wrote,

be the person that you needed when you were little.

So I try to do that.

And so far, so, so far, so okay.

My kids are 14 and 16 and we're very close.

And, you know,

I worry about, I worry because I started everything at 14.

I had a boyfriend.

I had a, I was 21 at 14, you know, I,

cause I was this tall and I, I looked like this almost pretty,

not far from them, didn't know, not the lines, but you know,

so I was grown up too fast, but I think a lot of us were,

a lot of us had to take care of ourselves and, you know,

I never thought I'd be this old.

I really didn't.

So it's gotten a lot easier.

It has to, do I really, what time do I, what time do I stop talking?

Cause I mean,

haven't I said it like everything that I can think of, okay, let me think.

Let me think.

Um, I go to this Tuesday meeting that's Pacific group meeting now.

And, um, my sponsor sent me there and I love the meeting and I,

I love the people and, um, oh, I'm still pushing this.

I'm afraid.

To share there, you know, because I'm just not, I just don't say all the AA things to say.

I don't say them the way that everybody says them.

I mean, I can, but I don't really think of it that way.

You know, I mean, when I wake up every morning, I really do.

I wake up and I'm sober and I wake up even still,

a little bit surprised, you know, I mean, 32 years later, I'm surprised.

I wake up and I'm like, oh, well I have a chance.

I have a good chance today to not screw everything up.

I, you know, because being sober, it's a lot easier not to screw everything up,

but it doesn't mean I don't screw everything up.

I easily can screw everything up.

And, um, I react, you know, I overreact.

I overreacted to there being a blockage on Sherman way.

On my way here, because I, you know, I'm, I have a hard time being on time everywhere.

I just think that everything should be a little more loose.

You know, why does school have to start at eight o'clock in the morning?

And one of my schools starts at 740 in the morning, you know, who thinks of that?

So, but I do it, I do it.

And I haven't been fired yet.

You know, I, I still overreact to criticism.

You know, I'm, I still am.

I'm overly worried about what people think of me and probably, probably less as, as the years have gone by.

I'm less worried about what people think.

You know, I, I trick myself out of some of my old thinking because it's a habit.

It's, it's a habit that we're taught very young.

No, no, no.

And having had children, you have to say, no, don't do that.

Sit down.

You know, and being a teacher, you have to do.

So, I understand how we get this negative voice in our head.

We're hearing it all the time.

But as we get older and we don't hear it all the time, you hear it from yourself.

So, being aware of it is helpful.

It's really helpful.

At least, you know, if I can hear it, I can counter it, hopefully.

And I do.

I, I don't go to enough meetings.

You know, I think, you know, when they say, you know, I don't go to enough meetings.

They say that life doesn't give you more than you can handle.

It doesn't.

You know, you can handle everything.

You can.

But as you get older, you learn, you go, well, I can't handle that and that and that and that and that.

That, I can.

You know what I mean?

So, so, oh my God.

What did I not talk about?

I mean, what it was like, you know.

I mean, I was, I was very slutty, but I didn't think of it that way at all.

I didn't think of it at all that way.

I was busy.

You know, getting positive reinforcement, validation, you know.

And, and the craziness is anything that was negative that was said to me, I remember it.

It's in there.

I have all these little, you know, little mean things that men have said to me or, or girls have said to me.

They're in there.

So, so my advice is, you know, we have to be nicer to ourselves.

Staying sober is not normal.

It's really not.

It's not the norm.

It's not.

When, I mean, I don't know about you, but I mean, I had this horrible car accident and

I really didn't blame these people because that would have been me a year before that

would have been me.

You know, it could have been me easily and thank God it wasn't.

But then, you know, I was on the other side of it and they told the truth to my insurance

company.

That's how I knew what really happened because they certainly didn't tell the truth to the

police.

And I wasn't supposed to be this normal.

Okay.

I wasn't supposed to be this.

Okay.

I was supposed to be, I think my doctor said 97% at one point.

My neurologist said 97% and I thought 97%.

That's pretty high.

That's pretty good, you know?

And, but I, I really feel that Alcoholics Anonymous is what saved my life because I

mean, I learned.

I learned how to ask God for everything, for all the help that I needed, and I needed a lot of help because I didn't walk for a while. I didn't walk for about six months. I was in a wheelchair, and they said I might not walk, but I had a fracture in my upper spine, so it hurt really bad to sit against the damn wheelchair.

So I got out of the chair, and I fell a lot, but then I got much better at falling. I remember calling my mom and saying, Mom, I fell today, but I caught it. I caught myself. So that was huge.

Somebody at one of my meetings, one of my sober sisters, gave me a paper, like a gratitude list paper, and I started making gratitude lists.

At one point, so much so that I think of it without having to write a list anymore, because it was really hard. I haven't talked about how hard it was, but you know how hard it is to get sober?

It was that hard. As hard as you think it was, it was that hard for me. It was really hard. And when marijuana became legal, that was just so unfair.

I mean, you know, now? So, but I've dealt with that. And I mean, I never, I never thought that I could drink and use like other people, because I never did. I never wanted to.

I'm the one who wanted to lock herself in the bathroom and, you know, use all the drugs so that I wouldn't share. And just more and more and more.

Give me more. Give me more. Oh, I have water. I forgot I have water. All right. I'm getting there. I'm in it for the long haul. You know, I remember thinking, someone said something like, am I going to stay sober for the rest of my life? And that just made me ill. That just made me sick to think about that. So I never thought about that. And I never think about that now. I just think about right now. Right now, right here.

And I still live.

I still live one day at a time. So, but I don't have big plans to, you know, get wasted before I die. I just don't. It doesn't hold the same allure that it used to hold. It just doesn't. Because anything good in my life would be gone. You know, and it's been a hard, it's hard. You know, it's hard to recover. And as long as you're in recovery, and it's ongoing.

You have a chance, you know, and that's all I need is a chance. So are we close enough to the end of the man? I mean, much more. Do you see why I'm afraid to share everywhere? So, in closing, I will say, thank you for asking me to share. Alcoholics Anonymous is the most important thing in my life. God is the most important thing in my life. It's so important. I'm afraid to talk about it too much. You know, it's just been so important.

And the best, best thing. And it's like Pandora's box. It just keeps giving, you know. So, thank you, Teresa, for coming here. And thank you, Oscar, for letting me share. And Alex, at your meeting. Thank you. Thank you guys for being here. Thank you.