Finding Sobriety and Service Through AA

Hi, everybody. My name's Lydia and I'm an alcoholic. Gotta breathe. Man, it takes me a long time to get up now. I'm older, but I'm alive and I'm sober and I'm so grateful. I am just so grateful to be here with you guys tonight. I just have a soft spot, a special place in my heart for this meeting. I love so many people here. I want to thank Alex. Thank you so much for the honor and privilege to speak here tonight and

to participate. And I love Alcoholics Anonymous. There's not one thing I wouldn't do. You know, I'm a product of program. My feet are trained. And when I'm asked to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous, I do it. I say yes, because this program has saved my life. I just want to thank those two 10-minute speakers. I loved what you had to say. Rich, I go way back with you, Rich. And, you know, when I came in the room, Rich was three and I think you were two, three, three or four years sober, maybe, maybe five. And, you know,

there's some people here tonight. Eddie, I love you, Eddie. There's people here that know me. They watch my crazy ass come in this room. And that's not a cuss word. That's just a bottom. But anyway, I'm sorry. Forgive me. But, you know, and it's just like, I have a sobriety date. It's July 25th, 1995. On Saturday, July 26th, 1995, I walked into LIS. And, you know,

I'll tell you if you're new, there is a sense when we come in here, you know, we're just train wrecks. You know, we're train wrecks. You know, we have low self-worth, low self-esteem. We absolutely don't know how to live life. We have no tools or skills for living. My whole life was based upon how I can get that drink, what I can do, how I can be as loaded as I possibly can, how I can treat you like a piece of crap because I just hated life and hated you. I mean, I came in here just so tore up and so, you know,

just checked out, checked out. But when I walked into that room that night, I saw those smiling faces and I saw something in this room, you know, it was a spark. It was a sense of hope when I walked in that room. And I remember it because I was so scared, you guys. And, you know, I don't know about you, what happens to you when you're full of fear, but that wall goes up 10 feet high and just don't you come near me, but I need you so badly, love me. You know, and it's that duality and that insanity that we have and that we come in here with. And, you know, you guys like the 10 minutes

and, you know, I don't know about you, but I needed a lot of love when I walked in here. And you guys showed me that. And I am so forever grateful. I want to thank Paul for driving me here.

I love you, Paul. Paul is sober a long time. He's my old timer, my husband, he's everything to me. He's my eyes at night and I'm his ears because he doesn't hear well and I don't see well. And it's a hell of an interesting relationship, you guys. Yeah. But, you know, if you stick around here long enough, a lot of stuff changes in your life and you have this incredible relationship. One of my gals I sponsor, Noelle, she's a good member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love you and I thank you for coming and being here with me tonight.

And I had nobody when I walked in here. I had no friends. I had nothing. I had drank up everything in my life. I had drank and used and lied and ripped and torn into everybody's life. And believe me, I had nothing when I got here. So I'm just thoroughly grateful. I'm going to tell you a little bit of what it used to be like. I always like to talk a little bit about what it used to be like.

You know, I grew up as a small child.

I was a child in the 50s. Yeah, I did. And let me tell you how boring it was, you guys. It was boring. There was nothing out there happening. You know, you had a fuzzy TV set and it was so weird, you guys. I don't know. But God dropped me there at that time in society. And, you know, that's just the way it was. And, you know, I had this crazy household. You know, I grew up, I was the middle child. I had an older brother who was totally insane. I had a younger sister who used to hide under the bed.

And then there was me. And, you know, the thing is, is, you know, I was sensitive. Right. And so, you know, I grew up with this really crazy household. You know, it was a very busy household. I grew up in the Venice area. And it was wild. You know, there was a lot of police activity, a lot of fire activity in the house. I was a vomiter. Every single thing bothered me. I had a thousand forms of fear. I had that insane head, that insane thinking. I was born an alcoholic. I needed a drink. Okay.

I came out of the chute, looked at you and I vomited everywhere because every single thing bothered me. I couldn't go to school. I hated school. I hated people. My school was right down the street from my house, too. I had a getaway plan every single time because I was so afraid of life. And, you know, like I said, I grew up in this house, which never made it any good because my older brother was insane. He was crazy. He used to love to play with matches and burn things down. The fire department was at the house. The police department was at the house.

I always like to say how I grew up. It's not what made me an alcoholic, but boy, it set the tone. You know, and he used to build these clubhouses and burn them down. Ha ha, look at me. And anyway, we moved to a different part of town. And, you know, he built this clubhouse. It was stellar, you guys. You know, it was like the typical house. You'd come in inside of this clubhouse, had like penthouse centerfolds and playboy centerfolds. You know how you guys are. Come on in.

At 18 years old, you know, you're busy. And it had a little, I'm telling you, this is a true story that had a red light on the outside of that house. So I grew up with a whorehouse in the backyard. I mean, come on. I mean, honestly, that's ridiculous. I don't understand. You know, boys could get away with everything. The girls, not so much. And, you know, I was totally out of my mind. I was in a, you know, a new section of town. I was scared to death. I didn't understand.

And, you know, I had my first drink. I don't know about you, but Rich talked about it. I drank for the effects of alcohol. Something happened to me. I loved it. I love the feeling. I love being loaded. I love the way I felt. I love the way it burned. I love the warmth in my stomach. I loved every single thing about it. And I wanted more right away, right away. There was no real, you know, I mean, you know, when you're 12 and a half, 13 years old, you're not going to drink every day, but you're going to steal it any chance you can get it. And that's what I did. You know, I stole it from my parents. I stole it from my parents. I stole it from my parents. I stole it from my parents. I stole it from my parents. I stole it from my parents. I stole it from my

parents. I stole it from babysitting. I did a lot of stuff. I wanted to be loaded. At 13 and a half years old that summer, just before I was 14 years old, I met my boyfriend, you know, my first boyfriend. And he was a, he was a member of a band. He'd started a band and, you know, it was the early sixties and, you know, things were kind of getting interesting in Los Angeles. And by the way, I'm an LA girl around those streets, hard and heavy and loved it. You know, I'm a native. I love Los Angeles. And so, you know, he used to play in his, his band down at the park where I used to live. And, you know, I'm a native. I love Los Angeles. And so, you know, he used to play in his, his band down at the park where I used to live. And,

you know, then he was all excited because he got a gig, a gig on sunset at the Palladium and they were having the battle of the bands, you know, and he goes, you're going to be my go-go dancer. And I'm getting all ready to be his go-go dancer. And I'm putting on those big old bell bottoms that go out for miles and had this little short shirt and I'm going to dance my ass off. And I'm going to be there partying and hanging out and drinking and carrying on, you know, they called us little juicers in those days. And, you know, we were just getting started. We,

we were getting started. Sunset was just starting to brew, you know, it was a hell of a time. And I remember getting up there and go-go dancing and drinking and getting as loaded as can be. And I don't remember so much, you guys, you know, I just don't because that's how I drank. And I don't remember a lot, but, you know, I got going and partying hard and heavy and it was just a blast. You know, by the time I was 16 years old, I was blacking out coming to and making really bad decisions. I was trying to go to high school. I was trying to do the deal, but I don't know how you guys

went to high school, but it was 730 in the morning and this is how we went. You know, there was a group of us that really liked to get high. We didn't really care. So we'd go down to the corner. We, on Cataragas used to be a little liquor store. It's not there anymore, but, you know, we'd get in there and get someone to buy us the drunk in the front, you know, get us to buy a bottle of Mad Dog 2020. It was this big square bottle. I love Mad Dog. Mad Dog got me so there. It got me so there, didn't it? I know there's some Mad Dog people here. I can tell. That's right.

That's right. It worked. It worked good too. It doesn't matter what was in it. Who cared? It got me right where I needed to be, you know, and I remember the connection would come out with a little three grain, two and all rolled up and a little silver things back in those days, you know, with the barbiturates starting. It was right in the breakout time. You know, things were just starting to sizzle, right? You know, you had all this rock and roll music going on. That was your foundation to a lot of stuff that's out here today, you guys. I'm telling you, it was sex, drugs, rock and roll. It was just

brewing and popping and here I was, 16 and a half years old, taking those barbiturates and drinking Mad Dog 2020 and I was loaded and I did not get to class, okay? I fell right on the floor, drooling and passing out and I was just a bad shape and I wanted it every single day and I chased it every single day. You know, running up to Sunset Strip in those 60s and running in and out of the places up on Sunset, you know, they had all these clubs and all these places. You had the whiskey up there.

We'd go down to Pandora's Box in those days. It was a little jazz club up there at Sunset and Crescent Heights and they'd serve this stuff free on a sugar cube, okay? Now, that's a whole other type of situation, all right? As you know, it was acid and I didn't know. I just said, yes, give me more. You know, this was a time in pop culture, you guys. All you youngsters, oh God, you missed it. You missed it. It was a hell of a time in pop culture because I'll tell you what, they didn't know what to do with us.

You'd go up there. It was like a party. It was like 25 people wide on the streets and we're running, ripping and tearing, drinking and saying yes to everything we can get our hands on, you know? And I didn't like that stuff on that sugar cube because it got you really weird, all right? You'd be seeing things flying in front of you, you know, and just, oh God, it was insane.

I remember it was the last time I ever did it. I'll never forget it. I had this boyfriend. I met him at high school and he was the local drug dealer, of course. And I took this stuff one day and I'll never forget it. We were at the park on Wilshire and Fairfax and it was, thank God, right up the street where they had the free clinic because I thought my feet were on fire and I'm running thinking I'm not going to have legs anymore because I'm burning up from bottom to top.

And I remember the line in those days because this is a true story. These people were in line three miles long, it felt like, you know, getting, you know, trying to get help because we were just saying yes to everything. We didn't know. We're such idiots. And I'll tell you something. I went in that line. I jumped in. They gave you two injections of Thorazine at that time. You wake up and just go, okay, let's go get drunk. And, you know, we're out the door again. And that's how our lives were.

You know, by the time I was 17, 18 years old, I threw on those love beads.

I was done in L.A. I met this guy and he wanted to go up to the state of Washington. I got me a 1966 VW van and I had the outfit on. I had the long hair going on, had the love beads on. I'm headed up to the state of Washington because I'm going to go live in a commune. I'm going to be free. I don't want to be around those people. I don't want to be around my parents. They made me crazy. They were trying to talk me out of it. And I just got into that VW van and I went on an adventure. And now I can drink.

You know, the drink.

The drink of choice was Red Mountain Wine and I just couldn't wait to get down on it. You know, I loved everything about Red Mountain and I loved being drunk. And I got in that van and I went with him and I went up straight up, straight up to my place in the state of Washington. We were actually supposed to live in Colorado, but we never made it. And we ended up squatting on 30 acres up on Whidbey Island. Now, I don't know if any of you have ever been to Whidbey Island. It's an absolutely gorgeous place.

Our place was about, oh, right near Deception Pass. We had no running water. We had an outhouse. We were living in style, you guys. You know, we were squatting all right. And, you know, it was just crazy. And then Whidbey Naval Air Station was right next door. So you have those jets flying overhead. Now, I don't know about you. I don't really need booze to take off my clothes in those days. But we didn't have very much on. We drink and we get naked and we just run down to that ocean. And we were just nuts. You know, we were drunk. We were loaded. We were crazy.

Now, I'm not employable. I'm not employable. You know, I'm close to, I'm 20 years old. I don't know how to do a day's job. I'm busy. I'm drinking. I don't need a job. Who needs a job? I got welfare, food stamps. I know how to be resourceful. Aren't you? I mean, come on. Who needs it? I am not a responsible person. I have no tools or skills for living. I'm just loaded 24-7. I am drunk and loaded and crazy. And I just don't care anymore. I just want to drink. And that is my deal.

You know, I got, I met this guy. I ended up getting married to him on the beach. It was a piece of work wedding. And it was unbelievable. I had my first daughter born to me and I named her China White. And I was a junkie alcoholic by this time. So, you know, that worked. That worked for me. And, you know, I just, you know, like I said, I just never thought in a million years, you know, that why wouldn't I name her? That was the greatest thing in the world. And why not? And, you know, who knew she'd, you know, get older?

You know, I had no sense of responsibility. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I was running amok. I was running like a wild animal up there, just ripping and tearing into everybody. And, you know, after that place, you know, my husband at the time, he decided he wanted to go back to school. And I thought, great, good for you. I've got this little baby born to me. We're now going to head down to Eugene, Oregon. And, you know, I'm thinking, yeah, okay, let's have a change of scenery. You know, I've already ripped and torn into everything up there on the state of Washington.

I'm just, I'm just loaded 24-7. I'm a drunk, you know, I'm just a mess. And, and we end up taking this little baby and we ended up in Eugene, Oregon. And now by this time, I was a little bit older. And I didn't, I probably had a little mileage on me. And it wasn't like state liquor stores, because you couldn't get into them. They had the bars, you know, and there was a bar right there by the U of O. It was called Taylor's. And it was just the best, best bar in town.

It had the sawdust on the floor, it stunk, it had the pool table and the darts in the back, and the music was blasting, and the booze was flying, and I was in heaven. Now, I had this little baby that was, thank God, being babysat. And I wasn't a very good mom, I can guarantee you that. But, you know, my life started to spiral down. You know, this is a progressive disease, and I couldn't stop. And I was in a lot of trouble. You know, I'd always been resourceful. You know, I got kicked out of high school for little minor drug sales.

And it was a private school. And my parents, you know, they didn't have a lot of money. They had some money, and they scraped it together to get me into my private school, because I got kicked out of high school. And, you know, I didn't care. And I started dealing drugs in those days. And I got resourceful again up there in Eugene. And I started doing some crazy things, and I got into a lot of trouble.

And I will tell you, you know, the connection doesn't take too kindly when you're so drunk, and you don't know what you're doing. And you're using all this product and not paying for it. So you can imagine, you know, it gets pretty bad. And it gets really scary. And I don't know how to deal. And that's the kind of life I led. You know, I had no recourse. I had no idea. I had no idea how to deal with life. You know, it talks about it in the big book, you know, you don't know the false from the real after a while. You know, it talks about that.

Clearly, because you think that's the only life you're going to live. And I just thought those were the decks of cards that was given to me, and I had no choices. And I stayed like that for a while. And I ended up in a lot of trouble. I ended up coming back home to Los Angeles in the mid 70s. And now you got a whole different decade going on in LA. Now you got the whole disco generation. And I'm just taking you into a little ride of decades, guys. Because that's just my story. And that's it.

And, you know, there I am home at my parents house. They don't know what to do with me. They don't even hardly recognize me. They've had it with me. But they're concerned about my daughter and rightfully so. So they're taking care of my daughter. I'm living at home. And now I'm starting to go into these clubs. And I'm starting to look, you know, like I said, you know, I went away with that long hair everywhere. And I mean, everywhere. And back in the day, and I came home off that farm and off that place with that long hair everywhere.

And I'm looking pretty shabby. And now I'm trying to clean up my act. And I'm heading into these clubs to go pick up men and dance and to get loaded and to hustle really. And I ended up in this club with this friend of mine. And I'm looking at this guy who's staring at me across the way. And he's looking at me and he's staring at me and he's looking at me and he's really looking good, you guys. He's got like a really nice three piece beautiful suit on. His hair is really good. He's got a pair of nice shades on. And this guy is

checking me out. And I'm thinking, Oh, my God, he's cute. You know what I mean? And I got the whole thing going on. We're doing the dance of death. And he walks over to me and he's checking it out. He goes, You want a drink and a coylude? And I thought, I'm gonna marry this guy. This guy's looking good. And he's gonna take care of me so well. He's really I mean, I haven't seen a guy like that in a long time. And the fact that he offered me coyludes and booze, I said, I'm in. And I married him. Yeah, I sure did. And I took him on such a ride from hell. I always like to say that because you know, he was a good guy. He was

a good guy. He was a good earner. He made a lot of money. And I knew he made a lot of money. And I knew he was going to take care of me. But boy, did I take care of him. Yeah, I did. I took care of him pretty badly. And that guy had no idea what he was getting himself into. And I'm gonna share a little bit bit to you about that. You know, I mean, I just took this man and I spent his money and I did the things that we do as alcoholic women out there. And I acted badly and I did some pretty bad things. And that man

didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to do. So I ended up having my first child with him.

In 1980. By 1981. I was in a lot of trouble. I was in a lot of trouble. You guys, you know,

I was drinking around the clock. I was drinking a half a gallon of vodka a day. I was sucking on a

pipe and I was in really bad trouble. And I wasn't taking care of that baby. And I didn't have to

because he had a lot of money and he had a lot of help. You know what I mean? And I had gone from

living in a squatting on 30 acres to living a different lifestyle. And I didn't know how to

handle it. I have nothing to do with stuff, but I didn't know how to handle that kind of life,

you know? And I was out there ripping and tearing and drinking and using and just taking what I

could get. And I didn't really care anymore. You know, the lights were on and nobody was home. And

you know, I was becoming really paranoid, delusional. I'll tell you that right now

with all the shit I was doing there. And, and it was bad. It was bad. And,

um, I was trying to work in a store at the time just to get away from the house so I can do my

business. And, um, I walked in a store that day and I'll never forget it because they looked at

me. They took one look at me and they were getting ready to call 911. And thank God they didn't. They

ended up calling my husband. And that day, that husband of mine picked me up. He had, he had sent

me to a therapist that said he wasn't going to touch me unless I was put away somewhere. And that

night with my children in the backseat, I went to my first psychiatric lockdown facility. Back in

those days, they really didn't have rehab facilities like they do today. You know, it was

very different. You know, it had lockdowns. You know, you went in, you got locked up, you saw the

therapist, you did all this crazy stuff. But I'll tell you something. I came to the next morning and

this guy looked straight at me and he said, you need Alcoholics Anonymous. And here I was, I'm

30 years old. And I looked at that man. I was so tore up, you guys. And I looked at that man and

said, what's that? And the lights were on and nobody was home and I didn't want Alcoholics

Anonymous. So I,

opted out for Plan B and Plan B was to diagnose me. They had every single diagnosis on me that

you can imagine. You know, it was alcoholism for sure, but I didn't want anything to do with it.

I didn't want Alcoholics Anonymous. So they opted out on Plan B and put me on all kinds of meds and

all kinds of diagnoses and all kinds of insane. I was doing that Thorazine shuffle and I was out

like a light. And I can tell you that I did not function well. And pretty soon I got thirsty

again. And time went on and my children were older. And by this time they get

thirsty and I'm using all these pills they're giving me from this psychiatric place. And I'm

going into therapy four times a week and good luck white knuckling it, you know. And one more time I'm

back out. One more time I'm sick and I'm, I'm a mess and my children don't know what to do with

me. And I'm losing bodily functions on the floor and I'm, I'm a mess. I'm an absolute mess. And

what happened was I ended up at a chemical dependency unit is what they called them back in

the mid eighties. They called them CDUs. I had liver disease and I was really sick and, and they

started taking us to Alcoholics Anonymous.

And that was my first time I went into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was sick and I was

ready. I was ready to go to these meetings, but I still wasn't done. And I knew it. You know, I went

in for all the wrong reasons. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous and went to all these meetings and you

should have seen me. I was a hell of a newcomer. You guys, I was something else. I was a piece of

work. You know, I went in to get the heat off, but there was nobody home at my house. They had had

enough of my junk. You know, my search and wait was over. I was a piece of work. I was a piece of

rescue team. My husband at the time, and he was a search and rescue team had stopped searching and

rescuing. He didn't want any more of my stuff. Those kids, they were really, they'd, they'd had

it. They were just disgusted with their mother. And, uh, I went in there and you should have seen,

I just needed attention. You know what I mean? I walked into my first place when I, when I found

it was the hole in the sky out here in the Valley. And I had on this outfit, I had on my little short

tight shorts, you know, I was looking really good. I had on that low V-neck top and I was raising my

hand like a 30 day wonder, you know, like I can talk that talk and I can walk that walk and look

at me, look at me, look at me. And I knew nothing. I was so bankrupt in every area of my life. I had

no clue how to live. You know, those old timers, they just laugh. Oh, honey, just keep coming back.

And I'd look at him and roll my eyes like, oh my God. And all I wanted was some kind of

distraction. You know, I didn't know if I wanted Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know what I wanted.

I was just so messed up in every area of my life. And, you know, I, I came in, you know,

they'd asked me to take a mop. They'd asked me to clean coffee cups, but, you know, I mean,

I didn't want to do it. You know, I just had a bad attitude and all I wanted was for you to look at

me. You know, I was so sick inside. I just needed the attention and I didn't know. And I remember

this guy sonoring up to me. He was tatted up from head to toe and piercings all over everywhere. And

I thought, oh, there's a good one. Sat down right next to me. And all of a sudden we're talking and

he ends up like that. Fell asleep. The guy had narcolepsy for God's sakes. I mean, I had no idea

how to pick him. You know, I just needed you to love me and look at me because I was so sick inside,

you know. And it was suggested I get a better sense of distraction. Well, it was suggested

that I go back to school. You know, I had a sponsor, you know, I kind of wrote things down

for the steps. I really didn't call her. But then I started to think, yeah, I'm going to go back to

school and be somebody, you know. I was sober like a couple of years. I started going back to

school and I had a bright idea that, you know, maybe I'll go be a nurse. Yeah. I don't know.

There's a lot of alcoholics that want to be a nurse. I don't know about you, but I like to be

close to the goods. You know what I mean? So I had some motives. All right. You know, then I'll

really have the keys to the kingdom, I'm thinking. So I ended up going back to school and I'm going

to become a nurse. That's right. I'm going to become a nurse. Too busy for AA. Things are

happening. And I ended up one more time in a lot of trouble. You know, you've got a lot of

I ended up drinking and use on my way through life, you know, and I missed a lot of life and I

ended up going back into this school. And, you know, I had a few years of sobriety, almost four

years, about four years of sobriety when I went out in 88. So in 92, I went out, I went out behind,

you know, a dental appointment. And I like to say this because a lot of, a lot of Alkies go

into appointments, whether it's for their teeth, their back, whatever surgeries they do. And they

hand you these little pain pills.

Now, I like to say it out loud at a podium because I'm going to tell you something,

maybe one or two are good, but we're loaded in two minutes. And 10, 15, a half a bottle a day is not,

you know, is about what we're using. I don't know about you, but I get thirsty and I need to drink.

And I'm writing fake scripts and I'm doing a lot of bad behavior. And fast forward, you know,

I cheated my way through nursing school. And in 1995, I had made my way out of that nursing school

and I had been doing a lot of really bad things behind that addiction one more time. And my

father called me up on the phone. He said,

what the hell are you doing? What the hell are you doing? You know, he was a physician and I had

been using his name and I had, you know, done a lot of really bad things. And he should have called

the feds. He didn't. He called, he told me instead. And, you know, when you have enough

alcoholics and a little, little belly full of AA, right? Just a little bit, you know, you start to

get a conscience, like what the hell was I doing? You know, I was ripping and lying and cheating.

And, and I'm thinking to myself, you know, I went to work at this guy's place of business and he

looked at me and I just was a mess. And he said, we don't want you here anymore. And, you know,

I had that, that moment, that moment, it was on July 25th, 1995. And I remember I just dropped

to my knees and I said, God, please help me like so many of us do. And, you know, I knew that it

was, I was done. I was done. I walked across the street. It was the motion picture hospital and

television fund and a member of LIS, Cheryl, she's Cheryl, P now, Cheryl B. She was giving a cake to

a woman and she was so excited. She was like, I'm going to go to the hospital. I'm going to go to the

because I had raised my hand and she loved sponsorship. Yeah. This big old Cheshire grin

on her face, scared the living crap out of me. And she handed me her card. And, um, and the next day,

you know, I called her immediately and I, and I just was trying my eyes out to her. I was just

like, unbelievably wanted this thing so bad. Please tell me how you stay sober. And she brought

me to the meeting. And that was that Saturday night, like this meeting, Saturday night where

all you people were. And I got busy here. You know, you showed me a different,

different way of life. You know, you told me I needed to get a commitment. I had to read the big

book from cover to cover. You told me I needed to get a sponsor and try and find a loving God in my

life. And I didn't know that I could do that. You know, I didn't know that I could just scared you

guys. I didn't know, you know, it was perfect set up for me because that house, that big house and

all that stuff and all those people in that house wanted nothing to do with me. I walked in here

with nothing. I walked in here and nothing. But what I had was I had the willingness because I

was willing to do whatever you people told me to do. I was willing to do it. Now, I'm not perfect.

And, you know, it's not fair for me to talk about him tonight. But, you know, you know,

you come into the rooms, you get a little excited, you know, you're still looking around the room

thinking, hmm, who can I look at tonight? You know what I mean? And all that kind of stuff that

we do, you know, but you know what, I did what I was told. And my sponsor gave me direction. And I

did the deal, you know, and we had lots of fun here. We had lots of fun my first eight, nine

months when I was in, in this LIS. And I remember when I was three months sober, you guys, I had to,

it was, I'll never forget, it was our Monday night meeting. And it was at the church. And I was told,

hey, can you lead the meeting? I was three months sober. And I'm thinking, oh, my God,

I could barely talk, you guys. You know, it wasn't like the old days when I just knew everything.

You know, I came in here teachable. I knew nothing. And I was scared to death to say a

word at the podium. And I was dying. And they told me, well, you got to lead the meeting and

that. And so I did it, because I'm always saying yes. And when I was told what to do, I did it.

And this guy got up to the podium, and he had a really thick, thick New York accent, you know,

and he was checking it out. He was looking at me and talking to me and asking me about my family

and, you know, doing the whole thing. And I go, I knew this guy, knew this guy,

knew him from my neighborhood. I'm thinking, wow. And he got up to share his story,

his experience, strength and hope. And I just was like, oh, my God, I related to,

every single thing he said, you know. And then afterward, he goes, hey,

want to go to the big meeting with me on Wednesday night? And I thought, oh, yeah,

I'd like that. So I told my sponsor, I said, hey, this guy, that guy, he just asked me if

he could take me to a meeting. And she goes, absolutely not, you're married. And I thought,

oh, my God, are you kidding me? So what? So I got a new sponsor.

Look, newcomer, you're not perfect. And you and I know we're not perfect. And thank God,

because you know what? You're not perfect. You're not perfect. You're not perfect. You're not perfect.

You know what? The old timers don't eat their young around here. And you know it. And we make a

lot of mistakes. But it was the best mistake I ever made. Because, you know, I've been with that man,

Paul, for 23 years. And, you know, I'll tell you something, that man is the wind beneath my wings.

You know, he showed me a different way, a different way, the enthusiasm and the love for Alcoholics

Anonymous. And he brought me to the Pacific group. And he said to me, you know what? It's your home

group. This is your sponsor. This is what you're going to do. And I got busy and active in Alcoholics

Anonymous. Like, I needed this program. And I wanted this program. And I was willing to do

whatever it took. So I went to seven meetings a week. I got commitments at all my meetings.

I started going to this man's backyard. I started to do every single thing there was to do in our

home group. And I got active. And by the time I was two and a half years sober, I was stark

raving sober. Stark raving sober. I hadn't picked up a book. I hadn't worked a step. I hadn't done

anything. I hadn't found that loving God in my life. I'd been so busy in

in Alcoholics Anonymous doing all the activities, but I hadn't had any personal recovery.

And I was crazy, you guys. I was absolutely nuts. And Paul's sponsor at the time,

Byron, suggests that we end up going to these retreats that a gentleman named Clint Hodges,

he's dead. But he was an icon. He was a giant in Alcoholics Anonymous. I know a lot of you

new people don't identify and stuff, but he was amazing. You know, he was just amazing. And

we started going to these retreats. And you know, I got turned on to the book and the steps of

Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't know about you, how you come in here. I had no character defects

and I had no amends to make, you know. None, because I am clueless. I don't know what I have

and how I'm going to do it. It's not about fearing it. I just didn't think I had anything.

That's my favorite. I work with a lot of women. I love when they tell me that. I start laughing.

Oh, yeah, honey. I know all about that only too well. And, you know, my mom died right before I

got sober in 1994. And I never got to make any amends.

You know, I never got to clean up anything. I wasn't going to tell my secrets to anybody. I was

going to the grave with my stuff. You know, I had a lot of sickness inside of me. And I didn't think

I could trust anybody to do that with. And thank God for good sponsorship and for people that really

took their time with me. And, you know, they taught me how to do this program. And because

I was willing enough to do it, I got to take those steps. And I got to find that loving God in my life.

And I didn't really see it for a long time. I didn't see it for a long time. I didn't see it for a long time.

Because I knew there wasn't a God when I got here. Because if you grew up the way I grew up and the

things that went down with me as a child, you wouldn't have a God either. And what happened

for me is I got to make those amends. I remember it was Mother's Day weekend. And Paul had taken

me to the grave site to make those amends to my mom. And I'll never forget it. Because, you know,

one more time, the old timers. And I'll tell you something. If you're new in this room,

you grab a hold of those old timers. Because those old timers will say things to you that

you don't want to hear. But they know because they've been around. And I took a hold of this

old timer when he told me what to do.

And I was able to make amends to that mother of mine. And I had a lot of stuff to make. And I

earned my seat here in Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't know about you, but my God has a hell of

a sense of humor. He's always winking down at me. Because it was Mother's Day weekend. And I got to

clean it up with my mom. And something started to change inside of me. You know, that big hole in

my gut started to get filled up with you and Alcoholics Anonymous and the love that I have

for this program. And I didn't have that, you know. I had no faith when I got here, you guys.

I had no sense of direction. I had nothing. And you guys slowly started to give that to me. And

you know, I had a father that did a lot of really bad things and a lot of stuff that, you know,

he didn't know any better. And, you know, I didn't think I could ever make amends to that man. But I

was able to do that through these steps. And through good sponsorship and guidance, I was

able to make amends to my dad. And I always like to say, be careful how you make your amends,

because he had dementia and he remembered everything. You know, I'll never forget. It was

crazy.

But the most important thing, and I like to say this, and I like to talk briefly about it,

is forgiveness. You know, I never thought in a million years that I can forgive that man. I

never thought in a million years I could come to that place inside of me where my heart would open

up and I would actually forgive that man for anything that he did. And I remember it was like

maybe six months before he was getting ready to pass away and I was at this house of his. And

I remember sitting down and, you know, he had said to me, you know, I had made my amends to him and

he had told me how proud he was of me and he had never forgiven me. And I remember sitting down and

I remember, you know, he was just so proud that what A&A had done for me. And he told me how much he

loved me. And I thought, oh my God, this man just told me he loved me. You know, I don't know how

you are with your alcoholism, but my perception is really off base. And I do believe in the power

of love and I believe in the power of truth. And that changed me. Something happened to me. And at

that time, right then and there, I started to, you know, from my head to my heart, I knew I could

forgive this man. And because I could forgive that man, I had this sense of freedom. You know,

that hole in that gut and that insanity,

that I had in my head for so many years just started to dissipate. And I was able to love

that man right then and there and forgive him. And that changed me. And, you know, those children

of mine went through hell and back. You know, I didn't have relationships with my children.

You know, when I was three weeks sober, my 15-year-old daughter showed up in the room.

Brucie will tell you about her. She was cute as hell. This is the cutest thing you'd ever want

to meet. You know, I picked her up at a hospital in Simi Valley. She was drinking in the morning

with her girlfriends, you know.

I brought her to AA when I was three weeks sober. And you helped her. Two and a half years sober.

She was, what was it? She stayed here for a couple years. Two and a half years. She got a sponsor. You

showed her how to live life and her life changed. She's not an alcoholic, you know. She was drinking

with her friends and doing her deal. And, you know, she was a senior in high school, told me

she wanted to smoke a joint. I said, go do it. You know, she's not one of us. What she wanted to do

was she wanted to be with her mother. And that came out later. And she just wanted to be with

her mom because I was never around.

I didn't know how to be a mother, you guys. And you taught me how to make those living amends. You

taught me how to be there for my children. You know, and today with my children, we have good

relationships today. And you guys showed me how to do it. You showed me how to show up no matter

what. You showed me to be there for them. I didn't even participate in their lives. I had no idea.

We didn't show up to birthday parties. I'd be so loaded. And I couldn't get there on time. You

know, I didn't diaper change. I didn't potty train. I didn't do any of those milestones because I was

so loaded. And here's what happened for me.

What happened for me is I started to produce these grandbabies. And here it was, you know,

here it was all this time later, I got to be a grandmother. And I got to make a living amends

to these kids and to these grandchildren and be participatory in their lives. And you know,

I'd like to share with you that, you know, I got to clean up everything. And we're a work in

progress. You know, my youngest daughter is in Al-Anon today. And it's just amazing what that

program has done for her. I'm in awe of that program. I love that program. And it's amazing.

It took her 20 years to get here. And she's a different person today. And she's not filled

with so much anxiety and insanity because she was living with an alcoholic. And that's what

that program did for her. It's a real family disease. It really is. And I'm so grateful for

that. You know, the ex-husband of mine, you know, God, crazy, Stu, Stu the Jew. You know,

I spent his money. I lied. I cheated. I did all kinds of things with that man. And today,

we have a great relationship. You know, I got to clean it up. I got to make financial

amends. I got to pay back because the old timers told me, hey, did you spend it? I said, yeah. And

you owe it. And I paid it. I paid it back. And I got free. I don't know what it did for him. It

doesn't matter. What it did for me is I was able to sit in these rooms with you. You know, because

I started to come into these rooms. And I got busy. And I got active. And I started working

with others. You know, my life started to change. I went back to school. You know, I did become a

nurse. And I went on to get a baccalaureate degree. And I went on to get a master's degree.

And I went on to become a nurse.

I'm a practitioner. You know, I'm a provider today. I have the keys to the kingdom. And let

me tell you, I don't use them because it's a gift. And I know the difference. I know that I have God's

grace today. I do. I have God's grace. I know because I work in the worst possible field in

medicine that you can work in. And that is a very sick elderly. I specialize in geriatric medicine

like half a lot of you geriatrics sitting out here. But I'll tell you what's amazing. I'll tell

you what's so fascinating.

So many of my patients come in so sick with such chronic illnesses behind alcoholism.

And I get to see it. And I've 12-stepped a few. And some of them are so,

oh, I quit. I found the Lord. And I'm like, yeah, okay, cool. I've given big books out. I have

shared with people. I've been with patients that are five months sober and programmed and they're

dying of cancer. I'll tell you, I just have such an incredibly good life. You know, I am such a

selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish,

self-obsessed person on the natch. I don't want to give. I don't want to do. I want to lay in that

bed, pull the covers over my head and hibernate. I don't want to be a part of society like Alcoholics

Anonymous has taught me to be. I just want to be alone because that's how I am on the natch.

I'm an alcoholic. I suffer from alcoholism. It's not always a picnic, you guys. You know,

the butterflies aren't always flying around kissing me. You know what I mean? It's,

I got alcoholism and I suffer.

I suffer from it, but I come in here no matter what because my feet are trained. I come in here

when I don't want to come in here. I call that sponsor when I don't want to call that sponsor.

She knows everything about me, you know, and these old timers are getting sick. They're getting sick

and my sponsor is sick right now. And I'm watching the people around me slowly get ready to pass

away. And that's what happens when you stay here long enough. Life happens, you guys. But we huddle

up. We huddle up. We huddle up. We huddle up. We huddle up. We huddle up. We huddle up. We huddle up. We huddle up. We round with each

other. We're there for, where else in this world can you find a place like Alcoholics Anonymous? It's

a community. It's a sense of love, commitment, and community that we have towards one another.

And we are all so different, but we are all so connected. And I cannot tell you how grateful I am

for the life that I have in Alcoholics Anonymous that you have taught me,

that you have shown me the key to living, which is loving and giving. As long as I live right,

and I keep giving in a way that I do on a daily basis, my life will continue to flourish good,

bad, ugly, and different. And I'm so grateful for that. So thank you for having me tonight.

Love you guys.