From Chaos to Sobriety: Gus's Journey of Family and Faith

Hey, wow. Hey, my name is Gus Hennessy and I'm an alcoholic. Ah, wow. First of all, I want to thank Alex for calling and asking me to share and share with you tonight. It's always an honor and a privilege to share and participate in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Not to say it's not nerve-wracking, but it's, it's always, it's always, it's an, you know, it's always a privilege. And I, you know, it's so funny. I am not, I am not a main speaker. I'm sober a long time, but I'm not, I'm just not main speaker material. And so,

so when I think about it, it's like, once I get my, my voice kind of oiled up and I get used to the sound of it, I kind of get, you know, it's, it's okay. You know, it's like, but I loosen up a little bit, ease up. And the, the, the funny thing is I always, I always remember when I first, first time I spoke and I heard it said, I said, you're going to get, I have no idea what I'm going to say tonight. I mean, I always have an idea of what, what works and I tell, and I just tell you my story. And there's some funny anecdotes in there. I was asked tonight, am I going to make you cry or laugh? It's like, yeah,

I'm crying inside, but there's, there's always three talks that come out of me. There's the talk that I gave on the way here. There's the talk that I'm going to give you. And then there's the talk I should have given you on the way home. And that's, and that's the story. That's life. That's just life's in session, you know? See that? You know, I had a, I went to, I go to a men's stag on Saturday morning and, and it's, it's turned my sobriety around in such a way that it's phenomenal. Plus it's also,

it's so nice to see people that I know here. I mean, this is, there's a lot of people that I know here. And that's the neat thing about AA. You know, you always tell, I grew up on the West side of LA and I got sober on the West side. So naturally there's only West side AA. And then I moved out here to the Valley and there's tons of really rock solid sobriety out here. Really. It was astounding. Not, not that it was surprising to me because I've been all over the world in AA meetings. But, but when you, when I think about the, the depth and the breadth and the, and the, and the sobriety and experience that, that's,

that's on, that's available to all of us here, it's remarkable. And that's, and that's part of my story. I'll get into that a little bit later, but I had breakfast with these guys this morning. And the most important thing in, in all of my sobriety, I've learned how to just be present. Stay in, you know, stay in the moment. They, oh God lives in the moments like, yeah, sure. You know, if you're living in the past, you're living in the future, you know, you're, and I thought, oh God, you heard all those platitudes for years. But, but the truth of the matter is, you know, simmer down for me. I,

I had to simmer down, learn how to listen. And I've heard it said a thousand times, let the story land. You know, somebody's talking to me, listen to what they're saying to me, let the story land. And then I, and if they ask me, I can, and I'm thinking that's almost impossible for a guy like me, because all I want to do is talk. But so, so, but I, and thank you, Neil and Mariana for your shares. I, I, I love hearing shares before I share, because it kind of gives me, you know, it gives me an idea of like, if I came in here cold, I'd be, you know,

well, and then, you know, but I, I, for starters, I'm a local, but I'm not a valley. I grew up on the West side. I grew up in the, on the mean, in the mean streets of Westwood, as I used to say. And I love that because I was, you know, hung out in Santa Monica and Venice. I remember when the Santa Monica Pier was a Santa Monica Pier and Venice was Venice and Beverly Hills was Beverly Hills. And now it's all kind of, it's all the same. And I'm, I'm old enough to remember that. But I grew, I, the funny thing is I, I, I come from this family,

and I think about my family growing up. And the longer I stay sober and the longer I work on my, keeping my side of the street clean, which was very difficult for a long time for me, was just cleaning up my side of the street. I grew up in absolute chaos. And I, I joke, I heard it said today, I was raised by vampires and wolves. And when I think, when I tell you, I grew up in the Adams family, I'm not kidding. And when I say that, it's, it's funny, but, but the longer I've stayed sober and worked on myself, the things that didn't add up started to

add up. And I thought, wow, that's, so that's what that is. Or, you know, those revelations that we make in sobriety, because I was absolutely feral when I came in here. I was 27 when I got sober. And I'm so, in January, I'll be 37 years sober, which is like, it's, it's, the only thing I, I promised I wasn't going to say that. But when I say it, it's like, it's like, it's still, it's still amazing to me. Because the only thing I didn't do is didn't drink, didn't pick up a drink, and didn't get old and got old, which is, which is part of the

But I grew up, I was born, I, this is where I got to start from the very beginning. I was born in the first aid station of the Creole Petroleum Plant in Maracaibo, Venezuela. My father was a California engineer working for a Louisiana-based drilling company. And my mother was a war bride from Romania. Now, those of us who remember what a war bride is, right? She was the, she was the one that got the hell out of there before the communists took over. And she didn't come out with my father. She married a guy and married him and then dumped him and married my father and then dumped him.

And married my stepfather and, and had a bunch of kids in the meantime. And the reason I say that kind of flip because, you know, I always thought we, I always thought I had this really rock solid family. And I, it just makes me, it makes me shiver when I think about what went on in our house. Not, not anything really bad that went on in our house, but just the way things were. My mom was kind of strung out on Valley in most of her life. My real, my real father, the guy that picked us up on the weekends was, was reaching for his medicine, you know, at different times. We drove around, we bounced around in a Volkswagen.

And I think about that. They were fun times, but it was, it was confusing because I had a stepfather that was a disciplinarian and the, you know, the Marines and all that, you know, ex-Marine and all that stuff. And, and so we had, we had no empathy on one side or compassionate empathy on one side. And then, and then my mom was kind of a vacant stare on the other side. So when you grow up, you try to figure out on your, I tried to figure out on my own what was, what was right and what wasn't. And usually found out from my friends.

And, and people that you should, you're not supposed to find that stuff out from. But I started drinking at a very young age. I was probably, I remember my first drink. We'd moved into, we've moved in. We bought, my stepdad bought a house in West LA and we moved in and the heat hadn't been turned on. It was probably about this time of the year, it was November. And, and he gave us all a shot of whiskey. He said, come on, you kids line up and we're going to, that's good. He was Irish. And that's what you do when you're Irish. And he, and I, and I remember taking that shot of shot glass of whiskey and downing it like they did.

On the Westerns. Cause I love television, right? I've watched, that was my first addiction, TV and fantasy land. And I remember downing and I thought, wow, that's like nothing I've ever experienced. But I just remember that as my first drink. It didn't have any great impact, but as a creepy kid, I would go after the parties and, you know, sip gin. And, you know, I think we all did that. I was always ashamed of that. I always thought like, kind of like, like, God, that was such a creepy kid. And my brother says, what do you want to drink for? And, and, and I just remember getting that buzz. It was great. You know? And as time progressed, I, I,

you know, one of the things that that's come to come to my attention in way late, late in life and in sobriety was that I was a sensitive, intelligent kid. And the reason I say that is because I did everything I could in my power to prove to the world I was anything but that. So when I look back and I think that I could have gotten good grades, but I didn't, you know, who, who, who, the only dorks and nerds get good grades. And, and then when my bro, when I, I used to like,

to draw and, and all of a sudden I found out my brother was better at it than I am. So I stopped. I mean, flat out, just stop. They go, well, Gus, why don't you, you know, and Gus isn't my real, my real name's Robert. So there's a, there's a nickname my father gave me. So there's a, there was a lot of chaos in that. But I, I, you know, it was funny. I, I can almost remember, you know, those, I, I always think about my life punctuated by birthdays. So I think my, my 13th birthday, we got drunk and we ended up going up on with a half a gallon of red wine.

We went from Red Mountain up to Bel Air when it was, was a lot of, there was a lot of empty lots up there back in those days. We'd go up there and find a foundation of an old house and sit there and drink, you know, from the fire and drink up there in the late 60s and early 70s. And that was part of our, you know, that's what we did. And I got a job at a liquor store. I used to bag ice and, and put away the bottles for soda pops and things like that. And it was fun. I had a paper route. I mean, I was like, I was a good kid. I was a productive kid. But what happened later was once I discovered alcohol, I found out I could

write myself a delivery slip from the liquor store and take it home. And I did that. We took, we, I, I was never short for cigarettes, beer, anything, anything I needed, I could get at the liquor store. It was Bel Air Liquor on Santa Monica Boulevard. And I worked there for years. I, I cashiered there part-time. I sort of moonlit there at night and cashiered there before I got sober. And I had to give that job up when I got sober. But, um, cause you can't be, I mean, I can't be sober and work at a liquor store. But the, the weird thing about the liquor store was I never heard anything from the, from the late 60s.

The late 60s is the time I got sober in early 83. Um, I never heard word one about Alcoholics Anonymous or anything else. Not one word in that liquor store. And I worked there, I was there all the time. And, and I just, I just remember the characters that used to come through this. One guy, it was near 20th Century Fox. I remember this one guy was a, was an editor and he'd come in, he'd be drinking, he'd buy a big bottle of gin. He'd say, Jesus, no work. There's no work. I'm miserable. I'm, there's no work. And then he didn't see him for a couple of days. And then he'd come in with the, buy the same bottle. He goes, oh, they're working my ass off over there. I'm just, just overwhelmed.

And I used to look at the guy and go, I thought it was, you know, it was one or the other. Anyway, that was my perception. But I, uh, I could take, I could go into the back, into the back of the liquor store or into the cooler and get those little banquet cans of Coors. Remember those? And they had a pop top. It was the only ones that had a pop top in those days. And they were little six ounce aluminum cans. You could pop one and down it real quick, smash it and kick it underneath the, underneath the shelf. I mean, I was 13, 14 years old when I did it, 15 years old. And, um, it was fun. It was fun.

And then, then the, the, the, the, my life changed when this kid moved in down the street and he brought motorcycles into the picture. And I loved motorcycles. I know it's, I know you, the picture you see out here is not quite the, you know, the, the rough and tumble one percenter, but I, um, I'm not, I'm none of that, but I love motorcycles. I, I, I was very ambitious. I wanted to race at one time, but I never, I never got myself together to go down to the AMA and get numbers.

You know, it was like that kind of, that kind of conflict.

And that, that followed me through long into sobriety, that, that conflict. Well, I'd do this if I could do that. You know, I'd, I'd fly jets if I joined the Navy, you know, I mean, just, just fantasy land. And, uh, but what happened was I, I got, I got, um, that was it, man. It was, it was motorcycles. It was, it was fun in the sun. I tried surfing. I tried, you know, body surfing. We hung out at the beach down at Sorrento Grill when it was still a grill and, and, uh, life was good.

But, but my,

my grades suffered. Everything suffered from that. I was a disciplinary problem. I got, um, I held the indoor records for corporal punishment at Emerson Junior High. And, and, um, and, and I was very proud of that because if they're not talking to you at home, the, the greatest way you can get, there's get, you'll get people, you'll get the attention that you're craving and you'll get there and people will talk to you if you act, if you act badly. So I, so negative reinforcement became my addiction and I was a master. I, I could do, you know, I, if it wasn't what, if it wasn't what I wanted, I could do it.

If it wasn't fighting in the bathrooms, it was riding our bikes around the track at lunchtime and just, you know, whatever it was, it was, but it was all under the auspices of having fun. And I, and I'll get sober pretty soon. I punctuate my birth, my, my, my drunk-a-log by birthdays. My 16th birthday, we got up in the morning, we were driving down to the beach and we got, I got implicated with a, into a burglary with the guy in the car and spent the day in jail. And my 16th birthday, and when I got out, we went down to the Sorrento Grill and it was the first time I rode a bike.

It was the first time I rode a big Harley. It was the first time I rode a Electra Glide. And I thought that was the greatest thing since sliced bread and, and still do, but I don't ride anymore. But I, but that was my rite of passage. That was it. I'd spent the day in jail. I'd been arrested before. I had my first grand theft auto when I was 14. And, and we, that's what we did. We stole bikes, we tore them apart. We, you know, and those were kind of like, kind of like secrets. They were, you know, you tried to be a good kid. You tried to, but there was this, there was this element that was always drawing me away.

And I never thought I was part of it. I was always a peripheral. Well, it's those guys. Those are real bad guys. I'm not a bad guy. And I really wasn't a bad guy. I was a sensitive, intelligent kid that drank too much.

My 15, I remember getting a hold of a bottle of vodka and with my friend, with some of my buddies. And I remember as I can, you know, the memories that we have, it was in an A&W root beer mug with ice. And I remember drinking, I go, well, this stuff isn't so strong.

And then next thing I remember, I'm standing in a house about 40.

Four blocks up the street, swinging a telephone receiver, knocking stuff off their mantelpiece. And everybody's standing in the corner, you know, side of the room going, oh, Gus, you better knock it off or, you know, because they were moving. So it didn't really matter. It wasn't really good stuff.

But that's the way I was. I was a wild kid. My, I started high school. I got, I was, like I said, a disciplinary problem. I got kicked out of high school. I went to, from uni high, they sent me to Palisades high. I think I lasted about six weeks.

And, and the thing that really got me more than anything, I mean, that was, that was stuff I could tell you. I could tell my buddies, yeah, I got kicked out again. And, but what really hurt was when they would say, you know, you know, Hennessy, you're no good. You're not gonna, you know, you're not gonna, you're not gonna make it in this world if you keep it up like this. And it was like, yeah, a few, you know, yeah, great. And, and I went to, my stepfather had divorced my mom by that time and he'd moved back to New York and he took me to a, I took my very first trip to New York and I, it was kind of a, it was kind of a neat thing.

I lived in New York for three years and I remember, I remember more about New York and that trip than all the three years I lived there. And he took me to a school and he said, I was 15 and he said, I was 16. And he said, he took me to a private school and he said, he sat me down with a counselor and at the school, it was a big, you know, like private school, nice office and stuff. And the guy looked at me and he, he asked me about my grades. He said, what do you think about English? And I told him, I was a little monosyllabic, you know, mathematics, you know, sociology, you know, gym.

And he looked, he looked right over at my dad and he said, he said, Mr. Hennessey, I don't think there's anything we can do for your son here. He said, I think you ought to just put him in vocational school or wait till he's old enough to join the army and just get and be done with him. And I was like, wow, you know, I'm a sensitive, intelligent kid and I wanted to jump out of the window. And, but that was the way it was. I got kicked out of another high school and then they kicked me back in my, they let me back in my home school and I was kind of like, like marked. And then I was getting kicked out for the third and last time.

And,

and my dad was visiting and he said, and I said, I was 17 and he said, I was going to just join the army. I said, I'll join the Marines if you want me to, but I'll just join the army. He says, you're not old enough. And he said, I won't sign you in. And thank God he did that. He said, I have an idea for you. He said, why don't you just go work for my friend in Europe for a year for six months? He said, go for the summer. And I was like, what? That seemed like a, like a, it seemed like a, like a pleasure cruise because, but, and it kind of was, but, but I had to work. It wasn't, it wasn't a, it wasn't a vacation. And, but the, I think the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the

point of telling you that story was my life turned on a dime. On Sunday night, I'm ready to, you know, join the army. And, and probably in those days, even get sent to Vietnam in those days, which was scary. And I, and then, and five days later, I'm on a plane to Frankfurt. And I thought, this is great. So I get to Frankfurt and I can drink. I can do anything I want. There's no, I have no supervision. I have no, no drinking age, no nothing. And I could drink with impunity and I loved it. I went to work and I worked in Paris for a year and, and that kind of turned my life around. I thought, you know, there was a, there's a whole lot of life besides, you know,

hanging out and hanging out at Woody's and, and motorcycles and beer and hanging out at the beach and getting in trouble. And I want to tell a quick anecdote. So I get arrested in Westwood and the cop puts me in the back of the cop car and I'm handcuffed. And, and he drives me by the front window of Woody's where we all hung out. All my buddies are hanging out in front there. And he looks over and he goes, you know this guy? And then he goes, nope, never seen him before. My brother is standing at the end of the line. And I, and my, my, my, my recollection of that was I'm going to kill all of you, you know? But I, anyway, I spent a year in Europe.

And it was a good turning point for me. It turned, it turned my life around. But, but the only thing that I look back on when I think of, of alcoholic behavior was I could drink with impunity. And I did. My 18th birthday, I, I drank too much and ended up, they closed the doors on the subway, the metro they called it. And they, they closed the doors and I was locked in there all night. And I just remember waking up going, it was a miracle. I still have my wallet and my shoes and everything. But, but I, I just remember that. And I thought, and that's, I was 18 years old. That was my 18th birthday. And I woke up and I

was screaming at the guy to let me out of there. And, and he's yelling at me in French and I'm yelling at him in English. And he unlocks the door and I just left, you know? But, but those were the things, that was the calamity of my life. My life was, was punctuated with those kinds of calamities. I went, I got back to LA and I went to, I decided to pull myself together and I went to City College. I went to Santa Monica College. And I, two and a half years later, I graduated. I mean, I had enough years to graduate. And then I went to New York. I didn't really graduate. I got a letter of completion. And,

I went to New York for a couple of years, almost three years. And, and that was punctuated with, with, you know, I got, I got, I remember not getting DUIs because you took cabs everywhere. So I remember getting in this cab and, and getting rolled by this cab driver because I was too drunk. He pulls me out of the cab and leaves me in front of my building and took the money out of my wallet and left me there. And I was like, you know, that was just, that was just the way it was. I know it's, it doesn't sound terrible, but it was kind of creepy when it happened. I came back to LA and,

and I got a job with a production company in Hollywood. And that's when it really began. Because alcohol, I got to say this really, alcohol worked for a long time. I always think of it as detrimental. I mean, it was punctuated with calamity, but, but it worked for a long time for me. And I always drank. It seemed like I always drank and smoked. And, so I get to work in Hollywood and that's when it really, that's when I pulled all the stops out. It was 1979. I was working just below Sunset and Vine. And it was, and it was on. And there was a lot of, a lot of drinking.

A lot of, we worked really hard, but, and there was a lot of what Peruvian marching powder and everything else that went with that. And, you know, I, I, I crashed a couple of their vans. I, I, you know, but it was, it was kind of funny because I, I didn't really crash it. I left it on the tracks and the train hit it. So, so when they, they go, what'd you do with the van? Well, I left it on in front of the Scotch and Surline on Pico and Sepulveda. And the train came by and creamed the van. And I was like, and, and, and, and I, I crashed into it. And I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I

crashed into another guy in front of the Beverly Hills Hotel. And I thought, really drunk. And, and that's just, you know, I just got, you know, hey, were you drunk? Yeah, I had a few beers. We were working hard. No, we were working hard. But, you know, it was an accident. So let's just write it off. So I, I was always, I was always spared the, the, I don't know where I'm going with this, but I was always spared that, that real hard, you know, my, I have a brother who's my, he's my immediate younger brother. And he's still, he's still drinking. I can't believe he still drinks Marlboro. He still smokes Marlboro.

Marlboro's and drinks vodka. And he's a year younger than me. And I can't imagine, but, but he did everything I didn't have, I didn't have to do. He went to jail. He went to the Nuthouse. He went, you know, it was 52 50s or whatever they're called. And then he wore a collar and had to breathe into this thing for, for six months and went to jail on the weekends and stuff. And I thought I never had to do that. I mean, I got thrown in jail a couple of times and, and got, you know, got roused many times by the cops, but I never really got into any big trouble. I was faced with going to California Youth Authority when I was a teenager and I was terrified.

But I, but the charges got dropped and I, I moved. I, I, I, that's right, right before I went to Europe. I said, I got to clean up my act. And I did. I could clean my act up when I wanted to. But I came back from, I came back from New York and I, I had no ambition other than to be successful. And I didn't know exactly what that meant, but I worked hard at it. And I had some good breaks. And, but what happened was the, the, when I think about the calamity, it was like one thing, I was just too drunk to do this. Or, or I remember I was supposed to pick up this guy and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I,

I overslept and, you know, and I, I, I, I would wake up, I would wake up on the couch with the cigarette that burned all the way through my fingers, that kind of stuff. And that was, that was starting to happen more and more and more. And I, I had had Alcoholics Anonymous on the phone one time in New York. I remember I called this guy, I called AA and I was drunk and I was crying and, because I'm a sensitive, intelligent guy. And, and, and he says to me, I go, I go, he goes, well, how much do you drink? And I said, you know, New York AA goes, how much do you drink? I said, well, I don't know. I go, I got drink.

I drink, you know, a couple of drinks after I drink beer all day. And, and he goes, huh? He goes, I used to drink a half a gallon of bourbon every day. And I go, you know something, I'll call you back when I'm up to a half a gallon of bourbon. And I, about four years later, I, I made that call again. And I, I'd called AA a few times and, and had them on the phone and, and then don't remember, then regret the phone. Jesus, I called them. I hope they didn't trace the call or, you know. And it was finally, it was around Christmas time of 1982. And I had been, I'd really been drinking. I'd really been on a run. I had a lot of, I had a good time.

I had a good job and I was, I was doing well. I was doing okay, but not really. My, my driver's license was expired. You know, my car wasn't insured. I mean, that's stuff like that. I'm still, I'm driving for this company. So the, so if they found out my driver's license was expired, I'd get fired. So I, I, I had a lot of secrets. And I remember I, I, I, I, they closed down for the month of December, the last couple of weeks in December. And they, they gave me a Christmas bonus, a case of beer and said, come back on January 2nd, 2nd or 3rd, I don't remember.

I went on a bender and I, I spent Christmas, New Year's. I went out to Whittier for a couple of days. And I mean, Whittier, I don't know anybody in Whittier, but I remember, I remember sitting, I was in this house. There was a house sitting with some friends. And, and I remember I borrowed this robe and I had that moment where I was wearing somebody else's robe. And I looked in the mirror in the bathroom and there was, I weighed 155 pounds, 27 years old. I weighed 150, 560 pounds. My, you know, my lip was split.

And I, I hadn't shaved in probably four, and I have a heavy beard. I was a couple of five days. And I looked and I said, man, who is that guy? It just shocked me, the, the reflection that I saw. Cause I, I wasn't big on looking in the mirror. And, and I was horrified. And I remember coming back for Christmas. And then I was asked by this, this one guy, if I would play Santa Claus on the, on the, for his Christmas party in Santa Monica. And I thought, man, I weigh 150, 60 pounds. I'm not Santa Claus material. Oh, you'd be great. You'd be great.

You just put a pillow in. So Christmas Eve, I pick up the Santa Claus outfit and I stopped off at this bar and I saw this guy in there who was the craziest guy I've ever known. One of the craziest guys I've ever known, John Fenwick. He's sober today. And he was sitting there and he was drinking a seven up and I go, Hey, Wick, what's going on? He goes, I'm an AA now. And I was like, oh shit. And, and he says, I'm going to this thing, you know, and I said, but, but the truth was he was my Eskimo. So I went on this bender and I, I, I got up on Christmas day and I was really drunk.

And I, I, I had that, that kind of like we're watching under the auspices of watching football games with my buddies. I couldn't get off the couch. I couldn't move. And I was like, I couldn't tell him I couldn't move, but I couldn't get off the couch. And, um, I passed out, woke up at about four o'clock in the morning and drove home. But I remember stopping at the seven 11 on the way home. It's four o'clock in the four o'clock in the morning on January 2nd. And, uh, I remember groaning at the guy at the seven 11 for cigarettes until he hit the Marlboro lights. And I was like, I couldn't even talk.

And I called, I, I, I went home and passed out and woke up and a friend of mine came over and we split a six pack of beer. He left. And I called Alcoholics Anonymous again, probably for the 10th time. And, um, and I remember this very kind woman was on the phone and she said, do you want to go? Have you ever gone to a meeting? I said, no. Do you want to go to a meeting? I said, no, I guess so. Do you want us to send a couple of guys over? And I thought, oh yeah, sure. You know, I could just see there's Hennessy in four and 47 and a half with these guys with Alcoholics Anonymous sweatshirts driving a,

having an old Ford Falcon wagon that says Alcoholics Anonymous on it. And I thought that's all I need in my building. And they, and I used to spend, because I'd spent many mornings in the front on the welcome mat, you know, with the keys in the door and they go, ah, there he is. You know, that's, that's his apartment up there. And I went to my first meeting. I parked, I remember she said, there's a meeting at such and such a place, but there's also a meeting. Um, there's also a meeting, um, on Ohio street and Sepulveda. I knew where that was, but I couldn't find the other place. If I had to drive and find the other place, you'd be talking to someone.

So I remember I parked and I saw the building and I saw people sitting out there and I thought, well, I'm really nervous. I don't want to go to, go to an AA meeting. So I, I parked my car down the street and, and kind of hid, skulked my way through the bushes and went in through the back of the, and I'll never, for as long as I live, I walked into the back door, not at the front door. I walked in through the back and this guy walks up to me and he goes, hi. He goes, are you new here? I said, yeah, I'm just visiting. And he said, are you an alcoholic? And I said, ah, I couldn't even say it. I thought alcoholic, that's such a harsh word.

And I think I'm a, I didn't say that, but I said, I think I'm a borderline alcoholic. And he said, well, I'm an alcoholic. And he said, he said, I'm an alcoholic. He was, he wasn't much older than I was. He was a little older than I was. It was kind of put together. And he said, uh, he said, uh, I'm an alcoholic. He said, I used to have a drink on my porch in, uh, Santa Monica on a Saturday afternoon. I'd have that first drink and then I would end up in a porno theater in Torrance. And I go, wow. You know, that was, I, I, I didn't, I, I'd never lived in Santa Monica, but that had rang true for me.

And I thought, wow, maybe there's something to this. And I remember the, I remember the speaker and I saw the guy Fenwick was sitting there and he saved me a seat. And I remember when, when they took my hand to, to take the, uh, to say the Lord's prayer, I thought I was going to dissolve. I mean, I thought, what is going on? This is the worst thing. And, and yet they said, Hey, we're going to be here tomorrow night. And I remember the guys that took cakes. They said, these guys took cakes on Sunday night. And then they came back on Monday night and took cakes again. I said, Hey, those guys took cakes last night.

And, and the, the, the, the point is, the thing is, is that, is, you know, the, the, they, they were here last night. And then I thought I was really jaded. I thought, well, this is AA pretty soon. I'm going to, I'm going to have to learn the, you know, who's going to, we were going to get your watches from, where are you going to get your suits from, you know, where are you going to get your shoes with cars is the car dealer. I mean, and then, and then I was going to learn the secret handshake and that was going to be it, you know, and I, all I wanted to do, I didn't want to stop drinking. I just wanted to learn how to drink. And that was my goal.

I figured the old guy,

the old guys in the AA meetings, you know, they'd teach me, they'd teach me how to drink. And that wasn't the case at all. But, but I, you know, I, I do this every time. I thought, God, just so I have how much, oh, awesome. Changed, turned my life around in 10 minutes. So I started going to meetings and I, I, but the most important thing that I have to say, you know, I, I, I said this, I think I said it earlier. You know, I'm, I'm almost 37 years sober, but I will say this for old timers and new newcomers. I got a new sponsor about three years ago and I worked the steps, you know, again.

And it wasn't so much about the, um, it wasn't so much about the, uh, the fourth step or the fifth step and that stuff. You know, I, I got to the second step and I'd realized that, um, I had deferred my life to everybody. I, I always would think, you know, I'd be waiting for something to come in and fix me all the time. Sober, sober as I am today, that something was going to drop out of the sky and finally, you know, take care of all this. As long as I keep, as long as I'm good and I keep taking care of all this stuff and it never happened. And, uh, so when I, when working the steps and when I did my job, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I

And I did my second step. It was like first step, powerless over alcohol. Yep. Absolutely. Powerless over, over everything else. And I've been obsessed with just about everything else in sobriety. Um, that second step kind of whooped me. I thought, I thought, um, you know, if I'm going to turn my will in my life in the third step and make a decision to turn a will in my, turn my will in my life over the care of this God, I better figure out who he is. And I did the fourth step. I wrote out a fourth step and I wrote it, you know, some, some touchy stuff that had happened. I, I'd been married and divorced twice in sobriety by that time.

and I've had jobs and walked away from jobs

and burned my life to the ground.

I remember I heard a guy speak who says,

well, I've burned my life to the ground at least 150 times.

And I thought, wow, I can relate to that,

but it's more like 250 times.

Just burned my life to the ground.

I spent, I went back and forth to Alaska in the last years.

I got married and divorced.

I mean, I really covered a lot of ground

in only just to stay out of my own way,

just to stay in front of whatever was chasing me.

And I finally did that fifth step

and we talked about the fifth step

and there wasn't anything unusual in that,

but the sixth and seventh step, the defects of character,

the grandiosity and the pride and the one-upmanship

and not being able to listen,

not being able to listen to anybody.

Those are severe defects.

And then I did this fifth step

and then I went to that step study that I went to today.

It's a men's step study.

And I heard this guy speak and this is three years ago.

And I heard this guy speak

and he talked about

all of the fears that we have

as men and women and people and sobriety.

And he distilled it into fear of the future.

And that's really all it was.

And when I saw that, when I got that,

I pictured this kind of gregarious kid,

sensitive and intelligent.

He climbs to the top of the diving board.

And I love it.

This was, I was seeing this in color in my mind's eye.

And he climbs to the top of the diving board

and he's going to show all his buddies

how he's going to do this swan dive.

It's either going to be a swan dive or a belly flop,

but he's going to do it, right?

And he waits and he waits and he's waiting to make his move.

And he waits.

He's watching the water.

Oh, I got to check the water.

He waits.

And then he calcifies and turns into a goddamn gargoyle.

And 25 years goes by.

He's still sitting up on that diving board waiting to jump.

And I thought, oh my God,

that was what I saw, you know, for my life.

And it didn't make me sad.

It made me, it puzzled me.

And then we went on and I drove with my sponsor to Arizona.

He had some family stuff.

So we took a long, I took that eighth step with me.

I wrote all this stuff.

And I had a friend, an old guy from Chicago who passed away.

And every time I talked to him, every time I talked to him,

and he had been a construction worker in Venezuela

in the 50s.

He'd spent time up in Alaska.

And so he was a kindred spirit.

And he passed away in 2010 with 60 plus years of sobriety.

I mean, he was a Navy pilot that sobered up after World War II.

I loved this guy.

Paul Martin was his name.

And he was my guy.

And he said, every time I talked to him on the phone, he said,

how are you doing on that eighth step?

And I'd say, I'd say, yeah, pretty good.

And basically what he, what the eighth step was,

was he said, are there any amends you can make,

eighth and ninth step,

are there any amends you can make

that will cost you some money?

Are there any amends you can make

that won't cost you any money?

You know, like returning that phone call

that you don't want to return or apologizing

or whatever it is, straightening out

whatever business needed to be straightened out.

And I remember many times I would fill out that yellow pad

and then, and cross it off.

And I'd call him and he'd say, I'd say, wow,

I called that psychologist that I owe

from my marriage counselor.

I still owe him, you know, and I paid him back.

And he goes, feels good, doesn't it?

And I said, yep.

But I always did it kind of piecemeal.

The last time I did that ninth step,

I worked it through with my sponsor.

We talked about everything, everything came to light.

And we got it down to a list of a few phone calls,

a couple of things I needed to do.

And then these three financial amends that I had to make.

And one of them, you know, if you read in the 12 and 12,

there's the one that you want to make.

There's the one that you're reluctant to make.

And there's the one there's no way in God's green earth

you're going to make this amends.

And I had all three of them, but I had agreed.

And this is where the magic of the program comes in.

Cause I took myself, I didn't realize at the time,

but I took myself out of it.

And I wrote the checks out.

I got everybody's address and wrote the checks

and went to the, you know, went to the thing and got stamps.

And I thought, Mr. Drama Queen,

I'm going to go to the post office

and drop them in the post office box.

But as soon as I got there, I thought, you know,

I'm going to snake that last one.

There's no way, there's no way he doesn't need,

he's not even going to remember this.

I started to snake it back.

And I thought that's not the agreement I made

with my sponsor and I let him go.

And I was free before they hit the bottom of the,

of the, of the post box.

And I thought, wow, that's what Paul Martin talked about.

That's serenity.

That's what we go for in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I wasn't free, but I'd made agreements

that that's how I was going to handle it for me.

And that's an amendment, not an apology.

I was sorry about everything I ever did in my life.

Most things, but, but I wasn't, it was an amendment,

not an apology.

And I have to, I have to, my wife's with me tonight.

And I, I, I, I have to tell you the hardest question

that I ever had to answer in my life.

When we first started dating, she said,

have you ever been married before?

And I said, funny, you should ask.

And looking back when I, when I look back over, over those,

I got, I got married as a newcomer.

I got married at 15 months of sobriety.

And I don't recommend that to anybody.

And I, it's funny because I mean, it's been many, many years now,

but I don't think I slept for six months after I married her

because I knew it wasn't the right thing to do.

It wasn't the right thing to do, but I did it anyway.

And that's the way I lived my life.

I just kind of did what I thought I was supposed to be doing.

What I thought you guys thought I should thought

I should be doing.

And then I got, I got summarily obligated to another,

a second marriage that lasted about a year

and it was a disaster.

So I'm driving back over and I moved from,

I gave her up a rent up, rent control department in Santa Monica.

To move to Simi Valley.

And then about a year later,

I'm driving this old Volkswagen squareback back over the 405

and everything that I had worked for,

everything that I had saved, everything that I had was gone.

And I moved in with some guys in Culver city and I had to,

you know, I've had to start over again, but that was okay.

I went to Alaska.

I got into some good, good.

And I got into a pretty good business venture

at different times.

And I spent about nine years going back and forth up there

for the summers and, but I wanted to go back to school.

So I came back to, I came back to CSUN and in 2005,

and I've been back here in the Valley ever since.

And I love, I love the Valley AA.

I love Alcoholics Anonymous.

It's changed my life.

It turned me into, it's summarily turned me into the guy

I never wanted to be.

I didn't want to be the nice old man that worked at the mall,

you know, and, and I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm living the most fulfilled life I've ever had.

I have an absolutely dynamic, loving relationship

with my wife, Michelle, who's with me tonight.

And she taught me that she taught me that, you know,

love isn't, love isn't a feeling, it's an action.

And it's not a sensation that you have to feel, you know,

all the time.

One minute, how am I going to clean this up in one minute?

That it's an action and, and it's, and it's every day

and it's in the present, it's right now.

And, and those are, those are some of the lessons

I've learned and I'm still learning, you know,

I'm still work in progress, but, but I have like,

I love what was said here at the meeting.

I have a loving partner.

I have a good relationship.

I retired, I retired reluctantly and I, because it was

an easier, softer way, it was the easiest thing to do.

And I, I collect social security and I do swap meets

on the side and I'm having the time of my life.

I'm absolutely enjoying my life more now than I ever,

I'm writing, I'm writing, I'm writing a fiction novel

right now and, and I'm having, I'm having the time

of my life and it's all thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous

and, and rooms like this, people like you, you know,

the, I remember I was at a meeting and this guy talked

about, you know, seeing the face of God, which is impossible.

But he said, you know, if you, if you wait here,

and I think the God comes down and he never sees his face,

but he sees where he's been.

And, and, and this then, and this has been part of my journey

and I appreciate, I want to thank Alex again

for asking me to share and I thank, thank you all

for listening.