From Chaos to Flooring: Paul's Journey of Recovery

Hi, everybody. My name is Paul and I'm an alcoholic. It's good to be here tonight. It's good to see a lot of faces that I've seen through the years for quite some time. And I like to tell you where it all began for me was on the East Coast growing up. Born in Brooklyn and spent the first 22 years of my life on the East Coast. And growing up as a young man, I always had a lot of trouble. I didn't like a lot of people. I didn't like a lot of things they said to me.

And I would hurt them, you know. And you know what happens when you do that. You get hurt a lot, you know. And that's the way I lived for a long time. By the time I was 13 years old, I stuck a needle in my arm. For the next eight years, I was off and running. If you asked me where I was going, I couldn't have told you because I didn't know. But it took me a lot of places, you know. A lot of places like so many of you who sit here tonight probably went, but you didn't want to go. But you went anyway because you were forced to go, you know.

By the time I was about 15, 16 years old, I started to go to a lot of these places to try to get off all the crap that I had been using as a young man. And, you know, checking into hospitals, you know. You know, you go in there and I never got any recovery in any of those hospitals that I ever went in as a kid. I look back in retrospect and, you know, it just never worked for me, you know.

By the time I was, you know, 19 years old, 18, 19 years old, I was just in a lot of trouble. Just a lot of trouble, you know. I started drinking when we were young kids and, you know, there was a friend of mine, he had horses around the corner from where I lived. So we were involved with horses when I was a kid. We used to go to rodeos and had a lot of fun as a young man. And then things started to get worse, you know what I mean?

There was a lot of drugs in the neighborhood, a lot of booze. There was parties every weekend, there was a party, you know. And my mother, Ethel, used to come around the corner and try to find me, you know, on a Monday morning because I'd be there from Friday night, you know. And I'd be passed out under one of the trailers. And to me, it was fun, you know. I thought it was fun and I had a good time and I enjoyed myself, you know.

By the time, like I said, I was, well, let me back up a little bit, you know. There was a guy that, come out of the,

Korean War in 1953. And in 57, I went to work for this guy. He'd just come out of the army. And his name was Barton. And he taught me a trade, the same trade that I still have today. Some 61, 62 years later, you know, the flooring business. And Barton taught me a lot of stuff. One day he called me up and he said, Paul, would you like to come and do a day's work for me? And I said, Bart, I'd love to, but I got to have some money up front. He said, how much you need? And I told him what I needed. He gave me the money and I said, I'll give you the money.

And I went and got a prescription for 30, three grain toenails, you know. And I see some faces light up around here, you know. And I was downstairs in this woman's basement in Queens. And years ago, they had a lot of that green, high and low green carpet, that light shag. And I had a few steps, then a landing, then another, and then a room, maybe this size, you know. And I started to apply that mastic, you know.

And it was black mastic that we used back in those days. And I started to apply it. And the pills took effect. And boy, I was in trouble. And, you know, I seemed to be covered with that crap from head to toe. And, you know, I'm thoroughly convinced that God looks out for drunks and fools, you know. And I seem to fit into both categories.

Because what happened to me, you know, very simply was I got upright and I crawled, literally crawled out of this woman's basement and got upright and started walking, you know, back to this guy's place of business, you know.

And when he saw me, he was with a client and he never said a word. He just came over to me and I was full of this crap from head to toe. And he was a big guy. He picked me up like a little kid, you know.

And I might have weighed 90 pounds soaking wet, you know. Took me back to Ethel's house. And I don't really remember what happened, you know what I mean. I know the next morning, there they were, you know, probably just like in your family, you know, when you came too, you know.

And they look at you, you know, like, what are you going to do with yourself, Paul, you know. We take you to doctors. We take you here. We take you to the priest. We take you to see the rabbi. And you know what? You're killing us, man. You're just killing us, you know. What the hell are you going to do with yourself?

I don't know.

I'm going to do it myself. I ain't got the faintest idea, you know. And I continue to live that way, you know. And, you know, many years later, I asked that guy, Bart, and I said, Bart, do you remember that time that you took me, you know, home to my mom's house and got me upstairs? And I guess you guys cleaned me up a little bit.

He said, you know, Paul, I tell you the truth. I really don't remember that time. He said, but I do remember the time that you were standing in your mother's living room and you urinated all over her linoleum floor. He said, that I remember.

But I said, oh, thanks, Bart. By the time I was 16, I met a gal. She got pregnant. And I was to have two children born to me in that marriage. I'd like to stand here tonight and tell you what a good father I was to those kids. What a good son I was and what a good brother I was. But you know as well as I know, I wanted to be that. But, you know, I didn't know how. I couldn't get from point A to point B because, you know, everything that came out of my mouth in those days, I was lying about everything. Everything.

And so nothing was really working for me. Absolutely nothing. I was, yeah, it just got worse, really, is what happened. It got worse.

I knew there were some friends of mine that came out here to California and they wound up down on the beach in Synanon. And I said to Ethel, you know, what do you know about this place, you know, down on the beach? And she didn't know much, but she did a little research. And, you know, it was a place of people like myself that had problems with alcohol and with drugs.

And I had problems.

I had problems with both. And anyway, February 19th, 1966, you know, I came out here to California and went into this place down on the beach. And I spent a couple of years in there. And, you know, you know, the little bit I know about Alcoholics Anonymous today, you know, something's got to happen on the inside in order for you, you know, to begin to grow up, begin to get better, begin to take steps, work steps, do things.

You know, a guy talked about being responsible.

I was none of the above, you know, when I came out to California. I went into this place. I stayed there for about three years. And 1969, I left Synanon. I met this gal down there and we went to Las Vegas and we got married. And I was to, who's left? Who's that, Albert? Oh, that lady back there? You did the same, huh?

Yeah.

So I went to Vegas, you know what I mean? I got married and came back and had two kids born to me. And, you know, I was with this lady for God.

You know, 30 years, you know. And these kids, they grew up and I went to work and thought everything was okay. But, you know, I know Clancy always talks about that spring in the pit of your gut, you know, that it just gets a little tighter and a little tighter. And, you know, I'm working and I'm making a few dollars. You know, I met a guy down at the Union Hall, you know, and he got me a job working for this company. And I had known him from back east, this guy.

and I'm out here, I'm working in LA and things are not exactly going the way I think they should

and so, you know, little by little, I start hanging out on the weekends, you know, at places

down on the other side of LA, down in the marina, you know, there used to be clubs down there,

like the Second Story and the Admiral's Dinghy and La Marina and a lot of those joints don't

exist today, you know what I mean? But they were happening then, that was a big thing then,

you know, and so I was hanging out there and, you know, I was having a good time and having fun

and now my wife, she never seen me drink, she never seen me, you know, using and this was a

whole different life to her and I remember once she had her aunt from California, you know,

came out here and she stood about this high, you know, and she, I'm there and I'm banging on the

door one night for her to let me in because, you know how we are, you know, we can't go hang out

with our friends because we just left.

We left them at the bar, you know, so I'm banging on the door and finally she opened up the door

and she said, Paul, why don't you take this suitcase and leave, you know? I would have,

but I had nowhere to go, you know what I mean? So I didn't take the suitcase and then her little

aunt, you know, said to Elaine, she said, listen, why don't you let him in, man? He looks like he's

going to die, you know, but she had a mouth on her that was this big, you know what I mean? She

stood that high, but she had a mouth on her that was just unbelievable. Anyway, the longer the show,

she let me in for a little while and anyway, all of the above, you know, 1973, you know what I mean?

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, came here for all the wrong reasons to tell you how much I had and

what I had and you said, it's okay, kid, keep coming back. And so I did because I had nowhere

to go. So I kept coming back, you know? I stuck around for a little while and once again, work

picked up, you know, I had bedroom privileges once again. I thought, hmm, who needs AA, you know?

So I did what most newcomers do, you know, I left and I got involved with a bunch of guys that just

come out from back east and we were all involved in a lot of bad stuff and, you know, just wasn't

good, just wasn't good. I'll tell you one story about that and then I was doing a job in Beverly

Hills, you know, and I wound up putting this whole building that I was doing, I put that,

hello Milton, how are you? Good to see you, man. Yeah, you're not late, you know, the meeting just,

you know, just got started.

You know what I mean? So anyway, I put the whole, this whole building in my nose, you know,

and I don't tell you that to be cute or to be funny, that's just the way it was, you know? And,

you know, anyway, I called a guy in 1976. Yeah, the first time I got here, I was 28 years old.

I went back out and stayed out there for a couple of years. 1976, I called a guy that lived over

here in Reseda. His name was Keith Carpenter. He was a big guy. He played football. He was a big guy.

He played football. You know, Kathy remembers who he was. There's some people in here that remember

him too. Anyway, Keith was a good guy. I called him up, said, Keith, I'm in trouble. He said,

Paul, where are you? I told him where I was. I had a little place in Canoga Park. I had a little

condo out there. And Keith said to me where I, I told him where I was. And he said, listen,

could you meet me? And I said, where would you like me to meet you? And he lived up on Reseda.

And years ago, there was a little place on the corner called Sambo's. Maybe some of you guys

remember it. And yeah, people are smiling.

So they remember it. Yeah. Anyway, he said, can you meet me there? I said, I think so. You know,

I got my car. I drove over there and he got there and we were like two ships in the night, man. You

know, like, you know, just missed each other. You know what I mean? We just, he called me up that

night. He said, Paul, how you doing? I said, absolutely terrible. Absolutely terrible. He said,

Paul, I promise you everything's going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. Now, I didn't know

what he had in store, but when he said that, I don't know what happened to you when you came to

AA, but you know, I said, I don't know what happened to you. I said, I don't know what happened

to you. I started the ball like a little guy, you know? And I thought, what is he talking about?

Everything's going to be okay. Nothing's okay. You know what I mean? I'm in big trouble, man. I had

a lot of money out of drug people, money, and it was not good. Not good to say the least. He came,

he got me, took me to a meeting down on 4th and Wilshire. You know, we had a meeting down there

and there was a man standing at the door. His name was Maurice Zolotow, you know? He stuck his hand

out and he said, hi, my name is Maurice. What's yours? I told him what my name was. He said,

come on in. You know, they brought me a cup of coffee, but they only brought me half a cup of

coffee. And I thought, geez, man, they're really cheap around here. They can't afford to give you

a full cup of coffee. And I would come to know why they gave me a half a cup of coffee because

I sat up front. Keith said, sit up front where the winners sit. And I sat right up front and

guy got up to share his experience, strength and hope. Guy by the name of Norm A. He's not around

anymore. Kathy remembers him and a few others probably do, you know? Norm got up and he started

to tell his story. And the more he told his story, I got to tell you how I rolled into AA,

okay? First of all, I had hair out to here, okay? This was, remember, 1976, you know, when I got

here. I was wearing a pair of Britannia jeans. Britannia. Now listen up. I don't want you to

miss this. This is important. I had a silk shirt on. Yeah. And I had gold draped around my neck

and my shirt was wide.

And I had these platform shoes. They're about this big, okay? That's the way I got here. And

Keith said, Paul, sit up front. He said, because that's where the winners sit. I said, okay,

no problem. I'm going to sit up front. I got right in the seat where this young lady's sitting

and I sat down. Norm got up to talk and he was one of those kind of guys. When he started to talk,

you thought he was talking to you, you know? And I hung on to every word this guy said, you know?

He talked about stealing cars.

1946, you know? And then he said, oh, it got to be too much. He just stole a whole goddamn car,

you know? And I understood that, you know? I understood that. He talked about going to the

restroom, you know? And he'd slide underneath, you know? Because he didn't have money to put in,

to open up the door. And when he was done, he just slid back out. He didn't know you could

just turn the handle and let yourself out, you know? I mean, that's how smart he was, you know?

And that reminded me of me because I did a lot of stupid things like that, a lot of crazy things

when I was out there. And I remember, you know, I was in the car, and I was in the car, and I was

out there drinking and using, you know? Anyway, Keith said to me, sit up front. So I'm sitting up

front, and the more this guy Norm talked, I was starting to sweat now, you know what I mean? I'm

starting to sweat, and I'm starting to sweat profusely, man. And I start sliding down in the

chair, you know? And I'm sitting next to Keith, and I'm sitting next to this guy, Marv, Marv R.,

Marv Rosenthal. He's still alive today. I tell you his name because he don't care, you know?

Anyway, he was sitting on one side,

Keith was sitting on the other. And as I'm sliding in the chair, they kind of grabbed me

and put me back in the chair. And I remember Keith said to me after the meeting, he said,

listen, Paul, he said, he said, here, listen up. He said, I'm going to, he gave me a dime,

you know? He gave me a dime. He said, here, take this dime. He said, when things get really bad

for you, you know, if you call somebody, there'll be somebody on the other end of the phone

to listen to you, you know, whether it's good or bad, you know? And, you know, from that day

till this day, that has been the truth. That has been the gospel for me. Because anytime I would

make that call, that's what it cost back in those days, a dime to stick in the phone. Some people

don't look at me like I'm crazy, man. You know what I mean? Yeah, they used to have these phones,

these big goddamn phones, you know what I mean? They're about this wide and this high, you know?

And you put money in it. And now you got these, you know, whatever we got, man.

I don't know. Totally crazy, man. Anyway. But he said to me, Paul, listen, here's what we do.

If you want what we have, you got to do what we do. And so, you know, I was dying, you know what I

mean, on the inside, trying to look good on the outside. And it wasn't happening. He said, you

know, on Saturday, we go to this yard, this man's yard. And, you know, we do some things there. And

then we get together. We play a little ball. And, you know, we stick around. And then we have lunch.

And we play a little volleyball. And, you know, I don't know anything about playing volleyball.

And I don't know anything about playing baseball. Because I spent most of my life as a youngster

on the street corner, trying to be hip, slick, and cool. So I don't know anything about this.

And so, but he said, try it. And I remember the old man said to me, go on out there, kid,

and have some fun, you know? So I'd go out. I'd play a little ball, you know, do whatever I could

do. And I got to like it. I started to enjoy it, you know? And then I met a bunch of guys like

Marv. This guy, Marv, he came from my neighborhood. You know, he drank in some of the bars that I

drank in. He knew some of the people that I knew, you know, back east. And, you know, we got to

talking. And I liked this guy. And so we shared a lot of things together, you know? And he said,

look, Keith said to me, Paul, here's the meetings we go to. And I said, okay. And I, too, started

going to the meetings, you know? And I started to very, very slowly, very slowly, you know what I

mean? Get a little bit of what this program had to offer, you know? Because I'm a very slow learner.

And I think I know everything, you know? And I had to come to find out that I actually knew

nothing, really. And so...

So, you know, as time went by, things got worse in that relationship with this lady I was married

to. And finally got a divorce. And I'd met Lydia, you know? And she was a part of my life. And we've

been together some 24 years now, you know? And yeah, right. Exactly. You got it, right? You got

your ass, you know what I mean? When you got a good one, man, you keep them, you know what I mean?

Especially one with a job, you know what I mean? That always helps, you know? I've been retired for

25 years, you know what I mean?

But anyway, I'm just making a joke of that. So, anyway, so he said, here, here's what we do. You

want to, you know, have what we have, you got to do what we do. So, I started doing it. You know,

I got very involved at all the meetings I went to, you know? I started going through the steps and,

you know, I got a sixth grade education. So, a lot of stuff I didn't understand.

Anyway, by the time I was... I don't know what time is it. I got time. Yeah. All right. So,

anyway, by the time I was... I was 21 years old.

I was sober, you know? I was 51 years old. And I went through this horrendous divorce, you know?

And I thought, jeez, if anything's going to take me out of this program, it's going to be this

goddamn divorce, you know? Because I had a couple of kids born to me in that marriage. And I loved

those kids. And I liked that wife. I just wasn't in love with her anymore. And, you know, it was

really tough, really tough. I had a sponsor and I would call him and tell him, hey, Byron, you know

what she wants? And he said, I don't know. I don't know what she wants. I don't know what she wants.

And he would say, Paul, give it to her, you know? And then he hanged the phone up on me,

you know? He picked the phone up and I tell him and I said, Byron, you know what, how much money

she wants? And then the phone would go dead. And I said, oh my God, something must have happened to

the line. I get back on the phone because I'm a smart guy, right? I call him back up. I said,

Byron, you didn't hear what I said. He said, just give it to her. And again, the thing went dead,

you know? By now I'm like, okay, I may be a slow learner, but you know what I mean? No is no.

So anyway, I gave it to her, you know? That was a long time ago. And then my sponsor at that time,

Byron, said to me, Paul, listen, there's a retreat this weekend that a friend of mine is going to put

on, a guy by the name of Clint Hodges. I tell you his name because he's dead too, you know?

And so Lydia and I, we went on this retreat and I asked this guy, Leonard C., you know,

if he'd take me back through the steps. Because I was really going crazy at that time. I was mad at

everybody and everything. I was sober 21 years. And I thought to myself, what is this guy going

to tell me after 21 years of me being an Alcoholics Anonymous? I think I've heard it all. What is he

going to say to me that's going to change things, you know? And he looked at me and he said, Paul,

how about a new attitude? I said, oh yeah, you know, that'll work, you know? And so I used to

drive from Woodland Hills all the way down to Echo Park every Friday night. And this guy,

after work, he'd come home at work at five o'clock and he'd break open a book and we'd sit down and

we started going through page after page after page. And we were looking at this stuff. And

what I realized was that I had a big part in all of this, you know, and that, you know, it wasn't

just her. And, you know, I tried to make amends to her and she wouldn't accept my amends. So I

tried to call her up and I called her up and I said, you know, I just want to make amends,

you know, for the way I behaved and the things that I did.

I mean, something that I'll never forget. She said, you know, I too had a part in this.

Now, she never had a part in anything, man. That floored me, man. That almost,

you know, I couldn't believe that she even said that, you know? But she said,

I had a part in it too. And I said, okay. And little by little over the past 23 years,

you know, she's become a part of my life today, you know? And I've had two children born in that

marriage. And I went and talked to my kids and I told them, listen, I may be divorcing,

your mother, but you kids are always going to be a part of my life. And from that day till this

day, they are, you know, because I made it my business to do just that. And even now when we

have parties, you know, up at my house for the holidays and, you know, Hanukkah is coming and

Christmas is coming. And, you know, when we throw a party, we invite her, you know? And how does

that happen? How does stuff like that happen? You know how it happens? Because Lydia and I are

members of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous. And we try to practice and live the way the program teaches us how to live

and to do things, you know, and to make amends. And because I've been able to do that, you know,

today I live a pretty good life, you know? I was in that trade for many, many years, you know,

probably around 10 years ago or less, you know what I mean? I quit doing it because I can't do

it anymore, you know? And just got a lot of physical stuff, you know, which happens as you

get older.

You know, a lot of you young guys don't know about it, but you'll get there, you'll see,

you know what I mean? Your mind tells you you could do a lot of things. Your body got a whole

different plan, you know what I mean? So anyway, you know, I go to a lot of meetings today. I

sponsor a few people and we have fun, you know, and we have good times. And, you know, that's what

it's all about, really. So don't take yourself so serious, you know? Life is good, you know? Life

is short. I got a lot of friends of mine that are very sick right now, you know, very sick. Some of

them are dying.

I got one down in Manhattan Beach, sober 46 years. We took a meeting to him, 11 guys, and my

beautiful wife, Lydia, and we went down there and put a meeting on for this guy. And, you know,

he's been a friend of mine for 45 years and he's actively dying, you know? And we just sit and we

talk and we share, you know? And I got a few of them, you know? I got, my home group is the

Pacific crew, you know, the coffee crew. And, you know, we might have five, six hundred years of

sobriety.

And, you know, some of them are very sick. Some of them are very sick, you know? One guy just lost

his wife, you know? She died unexpectedly. And, you know, it's tough, you know? It's tough. But I

tell you something. My experience has shown me here in Alcoholics Anonymous, you can get to

anything, you know? It doesn't matter what it is, you know? Because you come here, you tell the

truth. You tell people what's going on in your life, you know? Both the good and the bad, you

know? And, you know, it's a lot of fun. And, you know, it's a lot of fun. And, you know, it's a lot of

fun. And, you know, it's a lot of fun. And, you know, it's a lot of fun. And you don't have to run

away. See, because I never ran. When that stuff hit me, you know, and my wife, and I was going

through this divorce, I thought, Jesus, you know, this is a bad situation, you know? And, but

honestly and truly, I had nowhere to go. Where was I going to go? So, I just came to my sponsor. I

talked to him. I told him. He said, well, you're going to be okay. You're going to get through

this. You're going to be able to work this out, you know? From that day till this day, I have been

able to work it out. You know, Lydia and I, we have eight grandchildren. I was just telling Kathy,

you know? And she said she had seven, you know? And eight grandkids. And they're wonderful,

you know? Life is full of joy today and happiness. And the holidays are coming our way. And I'm just

really glad to be here tonight because it feels like old home week to me. You know, I see my

friend David back there, you know? And Avery. Avery and I go back a lot, a lot of years. And,

you know, he was sponsored by a friend of mine who is no longer with us, neither he or his wife. But,

you know, we loved him, you know? We loved both of them, you know? And I still love them today.

And I miss them, you know? But the bottom line is we stay here. We keep doing what's in front of us.

And the new guys, stick around, man, because you know what? Life's just begun. Thank you.