From Fear to Fellowship: An Irish Soul's Journey to Long-Term Sobriety

sure it's going to come out. I haven't shared my story in a while. It's such an honor to be asked

to speak at AA meeting. And I've had people when I first started coming around that were like the

secretary and a greeter, I thought they were like gods because I was just so afraid of people and

so afraid of myself. I had really, it was like the grease slide to hell for me. It was a nightmare

and I came to AA and things changed. I came upon my alcoholism and addiction honestly. I'm Irish.

My family was full of alcoholism. Either you were alcoholic or you're married alcoholic. And there

were people that were in AA and Al-Anon, which I sort of discovered later. My grandparents were

Irish immigrants. They had a significant history of trauma. My father's father was an alcoholic.

And again, if you're either alcoholic, you married alcoholic. So all that behavior and the drinking

and the whatever just normalized. It was normal. That's just sort of what you did. As a kid when I

first started drinking, people said, what are you doing this weekend? I'm drinking. It was like, it was a hobby.

You know, people played basketball and they did this together. What I was doing was drinking.

I did my first, I did my first geographic. I moved to the Virgin Islands after I finished

undergrad and college. And that's where I really hit my bottom, St. Thomas. Before that started,

I always saw myself having self-sabotaging behavior. I didn't understand why. I always spent

all the money. I would work really hard for money. I'd spend it all. I'd pick friends or whatever that

were abusive. I didn't understand that either. And I had a significant history of my own trauma as a

kid and sexual abuse and more than one occasion. And I had this horrible fear of people. So when

I first started walking into AA meetings in the fall of 1984, I went to open meetings or closed

meetings, but they were, they were just, they were regular meetings. I remember one time this guy handed

me a big book and said, read chapter five. And my first reaction was I recoiled. What's he want from

me? I was clueless. I had no idea he was doing 12 step work, but so the fall of 1984, I was 12 step

by my uncle at a kitchen table. It was like a classic AA 12 step. And I remember he told me,

he was 70 or so when they kept alcohol in the house for holidays. People came over,

they'd offer them a drink. And he said, he said, I realized that I had alcohol in the house. I could

take a drink and nobody knew. And I chose not to do that. And I was so blown away because I had so

so since lost the ability to stop drinking just once I started I'd start drinking. The joke was

like, you start partying with me on a Tuesday and you'd probably be home by Thursday. Cause once I

started, I just didn't stop and used other substances that which enabled me to drink more.

And that followed by the depression, the anxiety, you know, that sort of stuff. I was riddled with

it. So flash forward to fall of 1994. I stayed sober about six weeks and I was going to AA,

but I had that horrible fear of people. I'd go to the meeting, I'd stand in the back of the room

and they would do, in Boston, they would do an hour and a half meeting. They'd take a break

in between. They'd read the secretary's report. They do the seventh tradition and all that. And

I would just freeze because I was, again, so afraid of people. And, but wanting recovery,

wanting to be sober. I was desperate to be sober. And I drank from, it was Thanksgiving actually of

84. And I walked into gay meetings in downtown Boston and I felt like I was at home. Amazing.

You know, my remark, I was at a Christmas meeting here. I've only been in LA for a year and a half.

I was living in Thailand. So I've been sober since February 4th, 1985. And I so enjoyed the speaker

issues. I'm talking about living in the grace because with long-term sobriety, that's what you

come to. You can live in the grace. And I didn't call them situations anymore. It's just, just life.

And I don't react. And I'm able to take care of myself and self-care is huge. So again, I started

going to gay AA meetings in Boston and I made something happen. We're a fellowship of men and

women, and the fellowship is really what got me sober and kept me sober. Going up to people for

coffee or something to eat before the meeting, the meeting, going out for coffee or something to eat

after the meeting, people saying, where's your next meeting? And I had met a friend at my first

meeting. He said, I'll see you tomorrow night at this meeting. Then the next night was I'll see you

at this meeting. And I developed a network of friends in AA. And I was somebody that didn't

know how to have a friend, didn't know how to maintain friendships. I just, you know,

I just didn't have those skills and desperately wanted to have a friend. So my sobriety started

there and had good sponsor. I went to a lot of meetings. So I say, go stick your head in the

corner and stand on it. I would have done that because I started desperate and I wanted what

you people had. I remember going to this meeting on a Saturday morning in Boston, that's called

Old West Church. And there's a woman who was seven years sober. She was lesbian and she was full life

and laughter. And she said she was seven years sober. I thought, Oh my God, seven years sober,

which is beyond my comprehension. At that time, I think I was around 30 days and I would get those

chips. I feel so proud to get those chips. And I thought you can be seven years sober and laughing.

It's like, I wanted what she had. I bought it hook, line and sinker. I wanted recovery.

I remember going to her early in my sobriety, probably the first 90 days people were sharing

and they were talking about all this amazing stuff. And I'm like, what meetings do you guys

go to? Cause I wanted to go to any great meeting to learn. And they laughed. They said, we didn't

get, get this at a meeting. We get to treatment. I'm like, what's treatment. I think it was 90

days over the time. So I was past the point of even qualifying for treatment. This was back in

the eighties. There wasn't a lot of treatment around. People were talking about rehab and

treatment centers and it wasn't, I ain't going to rehab cute Amy Winehouse wasn't that kind of stuff.

So moving forward I would go to step meetings in the basement of a Catholic Church in Boston.

I had a sponsor. He'd go there. I'd meet him. We would re we would go to the 12 and 12 over

and over and over again. And I couldn't tell you none of that sunk in. I remember the John

Bollingcorn. I remember some of the phrases and that sort of stuff, but I had no idea what people

were talking about. Like I couldn't get it from my head into my heart. And back then in Boston,

when you get your early sobriety, they said, don't go running into doing the steps. Like somehow you

would get drunk by doing the steps, particularly a four step. People are a lot of fear around that.

And so I went to open meetings, speaker meetings, and that sort of thing, speaker discussion

meetings. And then I joined what was called the AWOL. It stands for a way of life. And when there's

a group of guys get together and you methodically go through the 12 steps, everyone knows their

four step together. I mean, you know, in their, in their own way that does a fifth step together,

not with each other, but they find something to do a fifth step with this core. He was a Franciscan

friar in Boston. Everybody went to him for the fifth step. I felt so bad for him because it was

just sort of, I guess it was his gift. You know, he had a gift gift for he was in recovery and he

had a, he had a gift for it, but at the same time for doing like 13 guys, we're all ready to find

brother Fred for our fist step. And I, I cleaned up a lot. A lot of shame, you know, even as a

little kid, four years old, they couldn't look people in the eyes. I was so full of shame. People

would say my name, my trim red. I thought about this. It's whatever. I don't even know if it's

appropriate, but Jewish guilt means your behavior is wrong. Catholic guilt means you're wrong. So I

was like wrong to my core. Like there was people talking about having low self-esteem. I had no

self-esteem, nothing. I was like hanging on to nothing. I was embarrassed to be alive. And on

the outside, things looked okay. I went to a decent college, barely graduated, but I did

graduate. I looked a certain way. So I'd get attention for that. None of it, none of it came

from the inside. I was always looking for outside sources to put inside needs, people, places, and

things. I was a year and a half sober. They said no relationships the first year. So no relationship

for me. I wouldn't date an AA. I was like, I don't want to spoil. I never, I don't want to be

in a disaster of a relationship, have things go sideways. And I couldn't go to a meeting because

he was there, you know, and everyone wanted that. So I stayed clear of dating in the program,

but I did meet somebody and I felt hopelessly in love. And at one point early on the relationship,

he said, do you need to understand something? I'm going to put as little energy into this

relationship as possible. And I was like, sign me up. I was a codependent, sign me up. I can

make this person love me. And we were on and off together for 11 years. But one of the beautiful

things that happened in that relationship, I was just so devastated when it ended each time that

I landed in Al-Anon and Al-Anon really showed me how to live, you know, because it wasn't about

the drinking and drugging. It was about living and how to negotiate, having feelings and being

identified feelings. People would say, how are you? And I'd be like, I'm great. I'd be dying on

the inside because I thought nice people are really angry. People said, how are you feeling?

I was in a rage on the inside, but nice people don't get angry. So I couldn't tell you that I

was angry. So there was not much, I was like this two dimensional person and I got a lot of Al-Anon

someone gently took me aside as they do an Al-Anon and they said, you're codependent. I'm like,

what's codependent. So I went into treatment actually at seven years sober for anxiety,

depression, and codependency. And I was shameful and you want to put me on medication. I was like,

oh no, you know, you just don't do that. And they educated me and I started getting help for

my depression and continuing CODA. I often say I've been in multiple 12 step programs as the

issues came up and I couldn't solve them in AA. I just went where I was supposed to go. Years of

therapy, years of psychiatry, years of sponsorship. And I often say it takes a village to raise an

idiot. And that's just been my experience. I've had to get my help from a variety of resources.

AA doesn't solve everything, but it gives you a platform that you can look at some of the other

outside issues and get the help that you need. I have an amazing sponsor. We've known each other

for 37 years in February at a time. So I have 36 years. He's known me for 36 years. The only

one became my sponsor about 15 years ago. We really sponsor each other. He's 46 years old.

And we really sponsor each other as far as just checking in five or six times a week and just

presenting our stuff. And if I get stuck working steps, I'm like, what do you think about this?

And what have you? The steps are beautiful. I guess it's something, I mean, I love the preamble.

I love a vision for you. Sometimes I listen to you, just reading it all emotional because it's

a program of a week for this self-centered alcoholic, narcissistic alcoholic being part

of a week. It's like, I want to be part of weed my whole life. And so when someone says, you know,

in the closing of the meeting, say the serenity prayer, I said that we did the leave version of

serenity prayer. Cause again, it goes back to the fellowship of men and women, the things I like,

and that's sustaining our meetings. First of all, doing 12 step work. I'm not the best sponsor,

but I'm great at other things in Boston. When I got sober, they'd say you have to do the ABCs,

which meant ashtrays, brooms, and chairs. So I've done a lot of that. And I've been a GSR. I've done

a lot of soda, that outside stuff, but I'm not a sponsorship. I guess I need to know if I want to

do it. I try to do it. And I would like to have that relationship. So I'm adding inside and do

intimacy or whatever, but other people are really highly skilled in that area. I miss that class.

Oh, what else can I say? So when I'm on the beam, I have an app on my phone and it starts with

unawakening from pages 86 to 88, which is an amazing read. And then it's the serenity prayer,

the six step prayer, the seven step prayer, third step prayer, St. Francis prayer, then a reading

by Thomas Merton. And I do read that regularly. I've been kind of backsliding recently with that,

with my mindfulness and meditation. I get caught up with life, I get caught up with work, whatever.

It's so easy. I get distracted. I have ADD. I get distracted. Everything squirrel, you know,

bright and shiny object. So I have to take a lot of sort of energy to stay focused. I turned out

to be an amazing man, not blowing my own horn, but just sort of like I'm integrated as a person,

you know, I didn't, they said that, you know, alcoholism was a spiritual mental and physical

disease. I understood the physical part for years. Cause I was, I had to drink. I didn't

understand the spiritual part of it. I was spiritually bankrupt when I got here. I had no

sense of spirituality. I grew up in a religious home, but there was no spirituality. It was all

about, you kneel here, they ring the bells here. And then you say this prayer and that prayer,

but none of it, none of it made sense to me. And I remember looking up the cross

as a Catholic church at the age of five saying, I want nothing to do with you. I was five.

And it was true. I just sort of, you know, that was it for me, but the spiritual part of the

program, when it came to me, the person that said, I'll meet you at meetings at the beginning,

I'll meet you this night. I'll meet you that night. My car broke down in downtown Boston and

it was like a, it was a clunker and I walked and cracked the head of the car. It was an old Peugeot.

It was very, very cool. And I walked in and cracked the head and cause the fan stopped

working and the whole thing overheated and I kept driving. So I had to stay with him for two weeks,

my friend, and at nighttime he'd get down, he'd kneel and say his prayers. I'm like,

what are you doing? He said, you know, saying more prayers and saying the third step prayer.

I'm like, what's that? And we set it together. And then from there I was struck with spirituality.

I just, it was, you know, I can still remember right now, I get emotional just thinking about it.

I got in it. It was just like, there is something outside of me that wants me well,

that will take care of me. My whole life I was looking for something to take care of me,

just through the mental illness in the family and the addiction. And my mother had a very

severe form of arthritis. That was the active disease in the house. And it's like many of us,

I didn't get what I needed as a kid. Oh my God. Oh my God. I wasn't prepared for this.

Yeah. I'm not going to be able to go all the way, just half measures to bail me,

not sure, but I'm standing at the turning point. So if you think you have a drinking problem,

AA is a beautiful way of life and we can help you get a sponsor, do what you're told,

not your version of AA, not California sober, do it as it's laid out. And people that do it

have great success and are happy, joyous, and free. And there's a poem called the desert

erotic where it talks about wearing life like a loose garment. And I really liked that and it

stuck with me. And that's kind of how I wear my recovery. It's means everything to me. And I'm

able to pass it on, but I don't demand that people get sober. I don't demand that people listen to

what I have to say. I just sort of share my experience, strength, and hope in a gentle way

and lead by a power of example. I got a very difficult phone call. Let me back it up Monday.

I have a niece she's 34 years old and she left college suddenly enjoying the national guard.

I found out later that she was raped in college. So obviously the trauma and she had even as a kid,

she had an anxiety disorder. So often Iraq, she goes to two tours of duty and then she did a tour

duty in Afghanistan and some really bad things happened to her. I don't know the details. And

her drinking just took off again. It's all of, you know, family disease. It's all over my family,

anxiety, depression, alcoholism. So I put her, I've been, I've put her in treatment,

three different treatment centers over the years, say in the past 10 years. And she got some really

good care. Um, but she was really a tortured soul with the anxiety and the trauma and even getting

good care. She wasn't able to rise above it, but she had a year, year and three months sober. And

I believe in messages from her for three years. Just thinking about you, how you go and give me

a call and like crickets and we have a tight family. So I've never pushed the issue. Um,

I've never checked in to say, you know, like the sobriety, please, what are you doing? You

need to be doing this or that. I just am able to listen to people today and just be present, um,

which is a gift in itself. So she started sending me texts was four o'clock in the morning our time.

So it must've been seven o'clock on the East coast. Um, and she started going to memory lane,

thanking me for this. And I'm like, God, you did this. You did that. And I'm like,

no, I'm so sorry. Threw up on your carpet. She was 10 years old and I took them out to dinner

at a show or something and brand new carpet league. Don't you came in and like, you go over the place

and, um, I wasn't really happy about at the time, but what do you say to a 10 year old? So she

apologized for that. And I found it really funny. I'm like, can't believe you can remember that. Um,

I immediately got off the fence. I had the sixth sense that she wasn't okay. She was telling me

things were good and she's going to get married and she can do all the stuff. She met a nice guy

in AA and they were doing really well together. And she's studying to be a peer counselor. I had

the sixth sense that it all sounded too good. And the memory lane thing just really triggered me.

And I'm thinking this isn't, this doesn't match up. So I immediately called her sister. And then

my sister was like a second mother to her and saying, you need to keep an eye on Emily. Um,

I don't think she's doing well. And they reached out to her and of course she's saying she's doing

well and what have you. And I'm going to call last night about 11 o'clock saying she relapsed

on Monday on alcohol. And she died last night from alcohol poisoning. My family I'm devastated.

My family is I'm in shock. My family is devastated. She really wanted it. And it is a gift. It's an

unmerited gift. There's no reason why she'll be sitting here with over 30 years of sobriety when

there's other people that may have worked even harder than I did to maintain the sobriety and

get sobriety. We don't always have a choice about, you know, when you have, for me, when

having time, I just assume I'm going to be sober and there's no assuming it's a disease. Um, so I'm

very grateful to be here. Very grateful that I have a friend in Scott and he asked me to speak

in a meeting. I'm supposed to be here. It was the last week and something came up and I completely,

um, wasn't able to do it. So I'm very grateful to be here tonight. Thanks so much for listening.

Okay. She showed me what I feel so long.