From Reluctant Attendee to 10-Year Sobriety: Scott's Journey

Hi Karen. Thank you, Karen. Thank you everyone. My name is Scott and I'm an alcoholic. Oh, yeah, I want to thank everyone for the honor and privilege of being the secretary this past year.

You know, as far as alcoholics anonymous goodness, being the secretary it's just another commitment to make the meeting run, you know, it really isn't there shouldn't be any more important than taking out the trash or any other.

You know like Bruce said, especially in this group.

It does signify, you know, to me as well.

A level of trust that that was placed in me by my home group, and. And like I said that's a it's an honor and a privilege and, and, you know, I humbly thank you for that.

So, uh, let's see, I don't do this that often but I'm going to go I don't have a candy pitch or anything as I say, there's a couple of new faces I've seen so welcome, and, you know, if there's anything that you hear tonight, I want to say that, that if there isn't anything

that you hear relate to here tonight, go to some more meetings, you know, I first went to some alcoholics anonymous meetings, when I was in my early 20s.

When I was all fallen told by the judge to go to some a meetings after having a having a DUI, and it was easier than it is these days.

You know, I think I might have to go to 10 meetings or something like that and I don't know it wasn't like it is today from what I hear. Um, and so you know my perception, which has a lot to do with like everything is my perception right.

I learned being here that I have a disease of perception. So, just my memory, which was probably not true. Maybe there was a little bit of truth, my memory was that these meetings that I went to were just these people sitting around complaining, and I was like,

Oh my god, people need a drink, you know, and I couldn't wait to get out of there like my skin was crawling. Well, like I said, that was probably mostly. Oh yeah, thank you for thank you for my camera. Um, that was probably mostly my perception, and having to do with the fact that I did not want to be there wasn't my idea to be there, and, and I didn't want to get, you know, I'm just going to be all over the place tonight so hopefully you can follow me like a Tarantino movie.

Um, so, yeah, I didn't want to be there. Looking back again hindsight is 2020 right.

I know, you know, now that I was just afraid of getting you know, because that was the one thing that worked for me to get me through life, you know, like the thought of having that was just inconceivable.

And so that denial for me last of a long time, like I said that was when I was in my early 20s, I didn't, I drank for another 27 years, and I didn't make it back here until I was 44, and had really lost everything really any other choice, you know, so I envy the people who don't have to hit that

low the bottom. Because luckily, not everyone has to hit that low the bottom, you know, I've heard that, you know, your bottom is just when you stop digging, you know, and, you know, just come in here and there is a solution here for calls, very grateful.

So, so I came in here. My sobriety that is September 26 2012 so as long as I stay willing few more weeks really obvious over 10 years, and that just kind of makes me a little emotional saying that and it's also kind of like, I'll have to that, like, that just doesn't

work. How do I stay sober for 10 years when I 10 days Forget about it, you know, 10 minutes was a lot of times. So, that's, you know, it's a miracle. We're all miracles, as far as I'm concerned, being here on Saturday nights over, you know, and doing okay, you know, so, so yeah, so I guess I'll go back a little bit, share.

Like it says in the big book, you know, our stories to talk about what we used to be like what happened and what we're like today. And I try to focus on that, like people say you know what, what it used to be like and what it's like now, that's to me that circumstances, what I related

to. When I came here and still relate to is people talk about what they used to be like, you know, the feelings that they have. That's the stuff that related to, I guess seven and also identified as my alcohols, you know, and with that, I personally feel like it was probably

an alcoholic. Certainly an alcoholic long before drinking alcohol, you know, and, and also something that I've kind of learned here is that alcohol wasn't my problem. Alcohol was really my solution, alcohol is a really good treatment for alcohol.

And then when it stops we're good. You know, it's not so that I need something else to replace it, you know, I need a new solution, new treatments while calls, because if I don't get a new solution, gonna go.

And I know that that's just as true. Today, for me, as it was when I first walked in, you know, and that's why, you know, the tech, how did I get here with with almost 10 years, I just, I just keep doing the stuff that I saw first year, that's it pretty much everything

that you guys taught me in the first year, just keep doing it like it's worked, why would I mess with it, you know, I don't want to, I don't want to change it up, you know, and I've always paid really close attention for some reason to, to people

who have gone out relapse students, we've been lucky enough to come back because so many people are not lucky enough to come back to relapse. And I don't know if I'd have to come back.

You know, I know I could get drunk again. So it's just easier to stay. But yeah, that. But anyway, yeah, I just keep doing everything that you that you taught me. So, I guess, a little bit on what, what it was like and, like I said, some of the earliest memories, you know, stuff that I've heard people

say here that I related to is, you know, really didn't feel like I fit in, I just felt like something was different. You know, I felt like I felt like all of you knew something that I did.

And you weren't telling me like you had a manual for life that I didn't get, and you were holding it from me, you know, and, and I just felt, you know, separated from, from my family and stuff, which is a little non conventional.

And of course, none of this stuff made me an alcoholic. There were, I think, circumstances growing up that kind of fed into my alcoholism, allowed me allowed my alcoholism to be a little bit.

So like, you know, I had a single mom I actually lived with my grandma till I was five. Then I went back to my grandma's during summers and stuff up in the Midwest and in Michigan, Wisconsin, and that's what I saw around me, you know, so that made me feel different, you know, so always, I guess kind of just did what I wanted to do, you know, this early thing that I personally don't even remember

but my mom doesn't let me forget is that I think it was about five years old, and I kind of took the car out. Actually all I did was like, get in it and put it into reverse or neutral or something like that but it's like rolls out of the driveway into the middle of the street, whatever.

You know, I just wanted to go for a drive I guess I was just, you know, doing myself. Um, you know, just didn't supply to me if they were not convenient for, you know, especially if it got in the way of my drinking, you know, when I got that DUI.

I had like a six pack behind the seat that I was driving. And I did that often. That was the first, you know, that's what I wanted to do. That's what I needed to do. So I knew that wasn't legal, you know, or maybe a good idea.

But, you know, but that's what I needed to do one of the, you know, one of the times, and I think this is before I got the DUI actually passed out, coming down the supportive passive before I passed out and woke up into the cement barrier and total my car, of course,

I was passed out drugs are locked away without a scratch, left my car there. So, the consequences really, even that, you know, the CHP tried to, you know, catch because, you know, having been a drunk driver ditch this car, you know, think of it.

I did not kill somebody that you know what I mean. Um, so that's kind of one of the things that, you know, when I kind of looked back, just kind of questioning whether there was a higher power, or whether there was a higher power, who was in my life cared about me at all.

That's just one of the, just one of the examples of the times that I attribute to why I can't explain anything else, any other reason why, why I didn't die or somebody else, you know, so yeah, I just kind of always kind of did what I wanted to do, was very much like goody two shoes teachers pet.

Kind of like our friend Dan here, and I learned that if I just played the good role, you know, people would kind of leave me alone and then I don't do what I want to do what I really want to do.

And also I was kind of a late bloom. I mean my first drop besides having a few sips of alcohol, either in a really hot summer, like my grandparents, perhaps blue ribbon with salt around the room.

Or some, Morgan David, mixed with seven on Christmas, which I don't know, but anyway, it was sweet. So it's like, you know, that actually did kind of good.

I do remember well, it was, it was between my freshman and sophomore year of high school, it was a four year high school, and I had made friends with some juniors and seniors and so when those seniors graduated, and the drinking edge of Wisconsin at the time was 18

so all these seniors were like 18 and they could legally buy alcohol. I missed all of that. I turned 17 there is the 19, and then when I turned 18 they raised it to 20 myself. But, but anyway, I left there when I was 17.

But, you know, there was this graduation party that I remember there was like jello shots made of Everclear, which I don't even know how they made them like gel at all because that's basically it.

And, and like, like the garbage pail just with all any bottles of alcohol is, you know, poured into it. You know, obviously got so wasted, but I do remember like standing in the bathroom looking at myself, just like, you know, but I felt like, Oh man, this is it.

This is what I've been missing, you know, like that felt great, you know, but you know what I got really sick and was made a mess and it was that a good scene.

Anyway, that was all kind of my last.

That was really going big time he got to that I got drunk until I graduated. Like I said, after I graduated when I was 17, I moved to Boston, but there for a year, and then I came out to LA so I've been a long time, and I discovered pretty quickly.

So I was 18. When I arrived here, I discovered pretty quickly that there was all the team at Altadena dairy, the edge of driving drive, drive through that would sell me there.

And so I think somebody worked with it like, pretty sure he was one of us looking back at it now.

But he liked to drink Mickey's fake mouth. So that's what I started drinking, you know, and look at, you know, I never had one or two, like, you know, social drink.

To my alcoholism, there was no invisible line. I immediately from the beginning, I drank to, to, you know, lot out, you know, and I mean, also, and I think I learned about my whole is that I can't stop even if I wanted to once I call in my body, you know, I take that first one.

But then after that, the choice is kind of gone for me as an alcoholic and I drink until, until I black out, or, or alcohol is gone.

But I did my very best to make sure that because that was very.

I did black out a lot I blacked out from the very beginning. I didn't, I didn't know what that was until I came to alcoholics and romance I didn't know what a blackout was I just thought that's what happened.

When you drink. That's what happened that people can remember what happened when they drank normal, you know, and, you know, there were some embarrassing stories that people would tell me, you know, afterwards about things that I had done that were kind of embarrassing and.

But again, you know that denial was kind of so strong, you know, anything that got in the way of my drinking. It just, you know, and of course, we did that with anything that was uncomfortable and inconvenient, you know, anything in my life.

I just ignored it it'll go away right. Unfortunately, that's not true. And it doesn't work that way. Um, you know, I like I said I kind of grew up kind of a good kid at least on the outside.

I had myself full to, I guess the most good kid, you know, drugs are bad. You know, Nancy Reagan said just say no. So, you know, again, as soon as I got here as soon as somebody offered me some, you know, some focus of shirt, you know, let's try that let's do that, you know, I mean, I was, I guess what, what you would call a garbage can would take, you know, anything that you have, you know, if you're like hey do you want to try this.

You know, and then after I take it I'd be like, Oh, what's that gonna, you know, like I didn't care. Like, it was just you know, it was gonna change this or whatever. So, but alcoholic through and through I mean, I always had to have my alcohol, even with these instances where they said, Oh, but don't drink.

Don't, don't drink. That was an option. It's going to drink with everything. So, I did. I did just about overdose.

That stuff I like driving that's one time, um, enough to scare me that. And here's like, you know, for me, looking back, it's just really crazy to me. Again, it goes to the denial and everything, like, I completely understood powerless over this substance, and that I could not be around it, I could not imagine not doing anything, like I said, I needed to have something, and you know alcohol is legal, you know, so it's like, you know,

I'll just stay away from that stuff and know who does it because I just can't be around it. Like I'm powerless. I completely understood, but, but had no clue that I was not a clue.

And, you know, like I said, until I until I built that last year, that was, that was really not pretty. Yeah, it got to be very dark and, you know, like I said, I felt like I was going crazy, you know, ran out of options, luckily, you know, well I had maybe two options.

I live out of my car, which was a viable option, like, I was okay with that, or go to treatment, you know, for a month or two, I was like, okay, I can, I can go somewhere for a month or two, you know, till I figure out what my next move is going to be, you know, figure something out.

So I decided to go to treatment. Like I said, you know, kind of all those 20 years in between a lot of it is just kind of just kind of the same old thing, you know, I think we all we all know how to drink.

Yeah, so I went to treatment, and, you know, like they say, the gift of desperation. I have, like I had lost enough desperate. I felt fairly hopeless, you know, like I was, I was totally fine.

I had wished for a lot of that last year that I was drinking that, that I would just, you know, not wake up, but, but that wasn't happening. And, and so it was kind of scary to think that, man, it just seems like I can't die.

Like, it was scary to think of going on like it was just it was literally like Roundhogs day, it was just the same day, over and over again, drinking from the time that I got up, you know, and not even being able to keep the first drink or two down, you know, first drink or two is just to stop the shakes and dry heaves, you know, until I could finally keep one down.

And then I'd maybe 15 minutes or so, feeling, not even just but just kind of. And then it was just like, like, there was no pleasure in it.

So, so yeah I was desperate, and I guess I'm feeling kind of hopeless. And so when I went into treatment. That made me willing to take some suggestions from some other people at the treatment center that, you know, maybe they know what they're, you know, what.

Like it can't hurt it can't get any worse, you know, so, so it's like yeah, I'll give it a try.

Very grateful I stayed in residential treatment for three months, which seems crazy I did that. Well, you know what, it was coming to this group that saved some of the guys there. There's a couple of guys there that told me, Hey, there's this meeting that we think, you know, you'd really like and Curtis.

And this other guy that's about to go, you know, and they, and they said, you know, so they got me and, and I was hesitant, you know, it's like, you know, I did that 20 years ago.

It's like that's like whatever, you know, they got me in the car. They brought me to quality of life. And it was a, it was a Wednesday men's meeting, and, you know, it was a rainfall.

A lot of guys, you know, everyone was very friendly on it, and build W is the one who came and picked us up, you know, and he introduced himself and I was like, Oh, W, this is Bill W.

Coming to take me to an AME. But of course that would be the case because you know it's me. So, um, I mean, I still had an ego, you know, I mean, that's another crazy part of my disease, right, is that like, you know, I had this really inflated ego with an inferiority complex.

You know, it's like, I felt like the world owed me something, but that I didn't deserve, which sounds crazy but it's like, that's kind of where I lived, you know, it was like, it was either here, either up here or down here, I was either.

Better than superior than you or, or, you know, inferior, like, just this place, you know, like, in the middle was formed for quite a while, you know, until I really got pretty far through the steps.

But anyway, you know, I do remember that meeting. I just remember, you know, these guys and, you know, as well.

And, you know, it looks like they were happy, you know, as it was possible, you know, it's like because I saw all of you guys that I believed, you know, that you were sobering.

You know, it was just, you know, I've heard heard guys sharing about what was going on in their lives and, you know, and it was real life stuff, then they're talking about how they dealt with it, like I said, I ran away from everything that made me the slightest bit.

You know, to, to hear you guys like talking, you know, the most personally deep stuff and, and how you deal with it that was, that was impressive to me, you know, and, and a guy took a donut that great day Paul took a donut for 20 something years, and then he came up to me after the meeting

and gave me a candle for this donut, you know, and that too, it's like, that may seem like such a small insignificant thing, but that meant so much to me, I still have, I have all the candles that people gave me in that first year, you know, like, you know, keep coming back to get your cake.

So, you know, there was a guy that night, took the time out to talk to me after the meeting, and totally 12 step me kind of classic 12 step right on the book I realized it at the time that you know, basically just shared with me his story, you know, in a way that I trusted, because I knew that he knew what he was talking about.

I knew that he understood the way that I felt no one had ever spoken to me that way before, and no one had ever put into words, the things that I felt but didn't know how to say, you know, and so, of course I asked him to be my sponsor.

And he said, he's like, Well, actually, I seem to be my sponsor, and he's like, he's like call me tomorrow. So, he wanted to see if I was willing to do that before he even said that he would be my sponsor or temporary sponsor because I was a traitor.

But I call him the next day, you know, and, and I asked him again to be my sponsor, and he said yes and then he told me what he expected me to do, you know, first thing, which is extremely important thing was to read the book of alcoholics analysis cover to cover.

I had to do that first, you know, and. And if anybody has not read that book.

I had one of those big books for 20 years that I never opened up, I never read, who knows if I ever did after somebody handed it to me gave it to me in one of those first day meetings, who knows if I ever read it what would happen but you know but that just wasn't my journey,

you know, we all have our own journey, our own journey that brings us here, just like my story, you know, whatever we, you know, it's the big is, it hasn't changed since 1939, thousands and thousands of people got certain just off that book when they didn't have

meetings to go to. And so, you know, it works. That's why it hasn't been screwed with, you know, there's any reason to so but you know, told me to read that book cover cover call him every day, tell him what was going on in my day and how I felt about it.

That took a while to open up to him but you know that relationship built and I started getting, you know, started doing that, being honest with them, being honest with him.

So, like so I'm still in treatment meeting that I could which was three, three or four meetings at the time, get a commitment at every meeting. And so when I got the treatment that meeting every day, didn't I do any meeting every day commitments at every meeting, you know, get there, call people off the phone list.

You know, all this stuff that we do here, you know, and I'm so thankful for thankful for taking you through the steps, and the, and the traditions you know, and I'll always be grateful to to that sponsor, he.

After a few years, just a few years, decided to. So, he stayed with the group, Jerry to be my sponsor, always be grateful for Jerry being my sponsor, and then Jerry moved away.

This was free zoom and co bed so I got another sponsor.

Danny, who had always been my great grand sponsor. It's a very incestuous.

You know Danny has moved on in years and kind of unable to be with us and so now, since earlier this year.

Greg is my sponsor. But, like I said, Greg also for the majority of my surprise has been my, my best sponsor at a time. Wow.

If I make it there so anyway, I'm grateful to all the, all these guys who sponsored me, you know, given me this, you know, miracles.

So I think that quality of life, my own group, I think, alcoholics anonymous. You want to think that I found in this room.