Bryson's Journey: From Selfish Youth to 12 Years Sober

Right. So I am Bryson. I'm an alcoholic. And thank you so much for asking me to come out. Ben,

thank you so much. You know, like Ten said, it's an honor and a privilege. And be welcoming was so

nice because I was so nervous. You know, I don't normally do. Yeah. I love that. I was hoping for

that. And I don't do the main talk a lot. I don't do I don't do 30 minutes. So I was like, talk

about you know, I'm in my head and like everywhere and like get the jitters and call my sponsor.

He's like, dude, just you know, just go up there and tell your story. Like that's what it is.

So I'm gonna try to do that. So my sobriety date is March 13 2011. It is I have a sponsor,

he has a sponsor. I have a home group. It's the sunset group on Thursday night at seven o'clock.

And those three things have stayed constant throughout my sobriety. And that's not something

that I thought I would have coming in here. When I came in to AA like it was just to kind of like

I had nothing I had nowhere else to go basically. I had no more ideas. I had no more drive. I just

was so tired when I came into these rooms. And 12 years later, here I am speaking to you guys. It's

crazy. So what it was like what happened and what I'm like now, um, being Japanese, I hated it. I

hated being Japanese. I grew up in Anaheim Hills, grew up in a suburb of Orange County, a really

decent nice area, and felt different from everyone. I know a lot of people talk about that. But that's

that's how I felt. My parents, my mom and my stepdad did a really good job at raising me like

they did the best that they could. And like they were they were good parents. But it was just I

don't know what was wrong with me, but I felt different. I just even from like an early age,

I remember just always fighting with my parents about something. And it all had to do with like,

just being so selfish. I wasn't getting what I wanted. And my parents, this is one thing I

remember from my childhood is my parents telling me that you are the most selfish person that we've

ever met. I might have been only about 10 or 11. And like, I didn't understand what that meant.

Because I just was like, Well, why can't I have what I want? Like, what's the what's wrong with

that? You know, and that's kind of been my life up to when I got to even when I'm still self in a

selfish person, like I'm the selfish, most selfish person that I know, to this day. But there's

things there's tools that we work on to harness that and get rid of that. So, so yeah, so I went

to school, I had friends, I did the whole thing. I had good grades. When I studied when I didn't

study there was you know, that, you know, the bad grades and, you know, on the outside, our family

was was very, you know, it was good. But on the inside, like I was causing so much wreckage and

turmoil and uneasiness with everybody. And like this is kind of even before drinking, just with my

whole attitude and how I treat people. And so I, you know, go to school, I go to, you know, go

through middle school. It was a big shock for me going from like, I was at a private school with

like 12 kids, and then I jump into middle school with hundreds of kids. And I'm just like, shocked

from everybody. I'm like, I have no friends. What am I doing here? Like this sucks. And so I tried

to find my group. And I found them. They were the, you know, eventually we went through middle school

and high school and we were playing sports together. And eventually we found weed and

marijuana, marijuana, the same thing, marijuana and alcohol. And I too did the same thing and

did little sprinkles over the, over the over the weed. And that was that was that was fun.

But I still remember my first drink. It was, it was, I was 15 years old. We were in someone's

backyard and we would go there all the time to get high. And it was a Coors Lights and it was,

it had this, it was a can that it was, they would market it as when the, you know how it has the,

the mountains on there, when it was blue, it was ready to drink. And so I still remember that. And

then once I, once I drank that, like, I don't know what it was, but like everything just kind of was

like, okay, you know, I wasn't thinking about anything like, and like that, from that moment,

that feeling is what I strived to have to feel for the rest of my life. And so every day from,

from that point was just going to the backyard, drinking and getting loaded. I had aspirations.

I was, I was an athlete. I played, I played sports and I was hoping to go to college, but you know,

there was to play basketball, but being Japanese and being, you know, pretty little in my chances

were very high. So I kind of gave up on those to, to go get high and, and drink. And my whole life

was, was being an athlete. That's all I did. I played basketball. I played sports on the weekends

and that's, that was my life. And I had that group and those friends that I had, they were gone

because I was focused more on making myself feel like that. Like how I, like how I felt that day.

And so high school goes by, I met a girl, I thought she was the one. So I followed her to

high school, into college. Like we went to Cal State Fullerton together and like I had no, no,

no hopes, no dreams. Like I didn't know what I wanted to do. Like all I wanted to do was,

was get drunk and get high. Like that's all I needed to do. And like, I didn't like people,

she knew what she wanted to do. And like, I was cool with that. Like, that's fine. You know,

but like for me, like this is what I'm gonna do. I'm just gonna go work my restaurant job that I

got and I'm gonna take my tips, go drink. And you know, that's that. And like, and I was okay with

that. And eventually I start crossing lines and doing different stuff that I always, I never

thought I would do. And it was just, I don't know. I just, it was, we had a bad breakup. We,

you know, it was just an ugly mess. And like, I'm living at her house cause her mom like really

liked me and like, she was letting me stay there. And then I'm just causing havoc over there. Cause

I'm doing stuff that I shouldn't be doing. Then I started stealing from them, stealing jewelry,

pawning that to get, you know, to get what I need to get well. And you know, that relationship

fell through. You know, I dropped out of college. I got fired from stealing at that restaurant job

that I had. I was stealing tips and they caught me. And I was like, and I still fully denied it,

even though I got caught red handed. And I was like, you know what? I quit. Like, you know,

screw you guys. And then I go on unemployment and then I just start living off of unemployment.

I move in with a friend, we have an apartment and then we're just, it's just all went downhill from

that point. We started selling drugs. I know this is an AA meeting, but you know, we were,

we were doing, doing that. And then that place gets, we come back one time and we have no idea.

This was like, we just pull up to our apartment and then six sheriff trucks just come out of

nowhere and they just block us in and their guns are pointing at us. And I'm just like, what

is going on? Like what is happening? And then, so luckily I don't know how, but we were able to get

out of that. They took us in and they let us out, I guess. From what I know, my roommates made a

deal with them to do something with them. So that's all I really know. That's all I really

cared about. I was just worried. I just wanted to get back. I wanted to get out so that I can

go do what I needed to do. Like that didn't stop me from doing what I needed to do.

And that continued. I did a geographic, I moved from there. I thought that was the problem.

And so I moved my mother who I had to call cause I like, I had, you know, I burned every single

bridge and my mom is like, she's had my back forever. And I put that woman through so much

hell, sleepless nights, you know, begging for money. And she's, she's willing to get me some

help that she thinks might be good for me. So she gets me into a sober living in Long Beach. So I,

I moved from Anaheim to Long Beach. I go through my first detox. They put me on some meds to kind

of taper off of stuff that I'm doing and go, I go through that. I remember a group of guys come in

there and they, it was, I didn't know at the time, but it was H and I, and they're talking, talking

to us about their stories and like, I'm getting like this fire lit inside of me about like,

there's actually hope of not drinking anymore, you know? But little did I know that you actually

have to do a lot of the work in order to get that. And so I didn't realize that at the time,

I was just, you know, you get that, you get that hope, you get, no, yeah, I'm going to do this,

I'm gonna do this. And then that's gone. And then you're back. Well, I'm back out running and doing

what I need to do. So I go back to Long Beach, to the sober living for a little while. I meet,

what's crazy. It was a, it was a men's sober living. And then they're like, oh, you know,

we're gonna, it's going to be a coed sober. So we're gonna, you know, there's going to be some,

there's gonna be men and women here now. And I was like, oh, great, you know, I'm gonna,

I'm gonna find another, another, another girl, another woman, the one, I'm gonna find her.

And I did. And she was not the one. And that, you know, with, with no program, and no sponsor,

and no sense of direction, like that was, it was doomed from the start. And, you know,

I don't know that, because I'm not, I'm not going, they're telling us, go get a sponsor,

go to these meetings. I'm like, okay, well, I'll go to the meetings, but I'm not going to get a

sponsor. So I go to, I go to the meetings, show up late, you know, sometimes leave early, you know,

now I come early fellowship. And, but you know, back then, it was like picking and choosing what

I wanted to do with AA. I wasn't fully in. So that failed miserably. I got, I left that sober

living to do another geographic. My dad, who was also an alcoholic, my biological father, he, he,

he wasn't around to raise me. So when I was, was that like 22, 23, we kind of reconnected,

and he was living in North Hollywood. He's like, Hey, listen, like, you know, you can come,

you can come live with me. Um, you know, I got this car that that you can buy. And he can live

with me. And like, so I was like, super, super stoked, because I haven't heard from him in,

you know, years, because he was always in and out of jail, doing whatever, like, we

really had no contact. And so I was like, Okay, yeah, sure. I'll come live with you. You know,

I'm getting I got to get away from this chick. She's no good. And, you know, I'm getting loaded

again in sober living. And so I moved out him out there in North Hollywood with him. And it just

went all bad. Like he wasn't sober. He was out, he would be gone days going gambling and drinking

and doing what he does. And it was just it was just a complete mess from from the get go. And so

you know, fortunately, for me, he had gone through a treatment center in the area, and he was able to

get sober for a little while. And so I was lucky enough to he got me into that treatment center.

And get me the help that that I needed. So I detoxed on his couch. And then eventually they

let me in. And that's kind of where my journey really started on with a because like I just had

no more game. I was just beat down. And so luckily, this treatment center, I was there for seven

months. And they told us to do the same thing, get a sponsor, go to the meetings and work those steps.

And I kind of did those things. I mean, I went to the meetings because I had to because they took me

there. Um, the sponsor, I kind of got a like this kind of sponsor, like he was kind of my sponsor,

but not really because I never called him just by name. And so you know that that went on for

for seven, seven months. And like I, he tried he kind of took me through the steps. He took me

through the like he did a but he took me through the na workbook. Um, like I don't know why I

told him I want to do a but he's like, Oh, no, you think you should do this? No, they're okay. Like,

whatever. I'll do it. So I did that. Um, and then when I was reading my my fifth step to him, he's,

he's like, he took me to his house, and he sits down, and then he turns the TV on and flips the

golf on. And then I'm like, okay, he's like, go ahead, go ahead, just start reading. And then so

I'm reading to him while he's like watching golf. And I'm like, I'm like, all right, so this way I

get through it. And then I don't really feel anything. Because he's like, oh, he's like,

watching TV. And like, what's going on? So when I finish it, I just kind of like, I don't know

how I feel. I just like, like, I did it, I guess, you know, like, I guess I can say I did it. And

so and so that goes on. I'm like, okay, well, I did a fifth step. I'm like, all right, that's and

then I didn't really call him or anything after that. Um, you know, because I thought I thought

I was okay. So I didn't think I had to do anything else. Um, and so that goes on, I see a lot of stuff

happening. I met another girl. I thought she was the one she wasn't the one and then another girl.

Well, she was we were we were friends in there. And like, we were really close, because we used to

volunteer at the treatment center had a bingo hall, and we would go there at three, two to

three days, two to three nights to go volunteer over there. So we got kind of close and like,

we were good friends. And then eventually I asked her to I was like, Hey, I think I'm falling in

love with you. And she's like, What? She's like, No, you're not. And I'm like, Nah, yeah, I'm

falling in love with you. And she's a lot. I was crazy. And she let me take her out after we got

out of there. And then nine months later, we have a kid. So I don't recommend that to anybody. Gary.

Oh, Gary, thanks so much for coming. Got to say that. So so yeah, I get out of treatment,

get a little job at TJ Maxx. And I get fired from that job because I let someone steal. And I, you

know, it's kind of seems to be a pattern with me with stealing and losing jobs. And so I'm like,

maybe I should really try to like not do that anymore. And, and so I find out that she's gonna

have this kid, like the week I get out of treatments. And like, it's kind of like, do or

die for me at this point, because I knew that what I'm doing, like running on my own life, like, it's

not working. It's not and like, I'm very hard headed and stubborn. And it takes a lot for me.

It's like I have to be in so much pain to like, take actions. And luckily, luckily, she suggested

I go ask this guy to go sponsor me at the Thursday night group. And I was like, Dude, I want to ask

this guy. He's he's like, because I'm really like, quiet and reserved. And like, I don't want to talk

to anybody. And this guy's like, loud and happy. And he's like, super all about a and like, I do

not want to talk to that guy. Um, but he was having a kid too. And she's like, she's like,

just go ask him. And I'm like, I'm like, okay, all right, fine. Because, like, what I what I'm

doing is just wasn't working. I needed to do something and I'm having this kid and I'm and I

don't want to drink or get loaded again. Um, and so I go up to this guy. And this is I already and

I have about over a year of dry time. Like my first year was basically treatment and some dry time.

And so I asked him, he's like, Oh, yeah, he's like, Hey, you just took it. You just took a

year, right? And I'm like, Yeah, yeah. Um, and so he's like, All right, well, come come to the

Saturday morning meeting. It's at a starts at starts at eight, eight 15. I'm like in the morning,

I'm like, I'm like, Okay, I got nothing else to do. So I started going there. And then he gets me

to get a commitment at the Thursday night. And like the Thursday night group back then,

like there was like, it was a lot of people. And he's like, you're gonna be a greeter. And I'm like,

Oh, no, like, I don't want to talk to anybody. And you're having me greet. So I would I would come in,

you know, right before like, maybe 15 minutes before the meeting starts. And I was like,

kind of sneaking in and like, get in the line and like, Hey, I'm here, you know, like,

make sure you saw me doing my commitment for five minutes. And then that's kind of that's kind of

like how it started. Like it was just me taking his advice and just doing it. And from there,

it was a long, very long, slow process for me to, to change to have that spiritual experience that

they talk about in the book. Um, you know, fortunately, I did another I did another fourth

and fifth step. And this one that I did with him was completely different completely like he was

like focused in on me and like listening to every single word I was saying and he was like, there's

the entire time and like he had stuff to share when I when I talked about stuff and he'd have

a response for it, you know, and he would help me figure out what these defects of character were

and like the patterns and the stuff that kept coming up and like I'm so grateful for for the

you know, the kind of sponsorship this guy's this guy's given to me. Like he's like, I love this guy,

you know, and then I was able to so I was able to get through my my my fifth step. You know,

we do the sixth and seventh and we get back home. And then it's right on to making the amends. Um,

and I just started just putting one foot in front of the other and stop thinking about what I thought

was good for myself. And eventually, like my perception on on life, really, it really changed

after that, instead of really thinking about what I needed, like I have this kid and this lady,

my baby mama at the time, I had to focus on and keeping them safe and taking care of them.

Because that was like a huge fear of me turning into my dad and not being there for my for my kid,

you know, and that was a huge, huge fear for me. And he would tell me like, Hey, man, like, it's

it's okay. You know, you're not your dad, you know, this is your own road to go down. And so

I was able to, to get through these to get through the steps makes make make amends on I made some financial amends by not, like, I don't know how I would say not willingly, like I was forced to because they would freeze my account when I put money in there.

Where was this money? And I'm like, like, Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah, I do. And you know, after all the yelling and screaming, and then it's, it's like, you know, he would say it's not your money, man. It's their money.

You know, you owe them that money. Um, so those were easy, because I didn't have to do anything, they would just take it. So that was so easy for me. Um, the tough ones were like, to the family members and like, you know, getting them to, you know, telling them how, you know, I lied to you. And, you know, I want to pay pay, make it make it right. And I want to pay it back. So you know, if I can make monthly payments to you until it's paid off, um, then I would I would do that. And then you know, the ex girlfriend that I was stealing jewelry from actually contacted me.

And, and I was able to, like, she said she wanted nothing to do with me at all. And I was like, surprised and shocked. And like, I was like, dude, like, how is this possible? And I'm like, I want to make this right. Like I want to and she's like, yeah, you know, sure. So I was able to like, start sending her money and like, paying that back and, um, like feel good about it, you know, I was able to make these things right. Um, and so my dad, well, he passed away a few years and in my sobriety when I was about two, two years sober.

He got it. He got me just wasn't doing well. He passed away. And that was like, it was a pretty dramatic experience for me. Um, like, he was in the hospital, he had heart surgery, and there was no one else there. And like I was, I didn't want to go. Um, I don't know why. But my sponsors like you, you need to go like you have to be there for him. Like you have to do this. And so I and I did it. And I would have missed all this stuff if I had been running on my own will. And I was able to be there for him while you know, before surgery.

And then after when he when he passed, and like, I was able to like, like, the main thing is, like, I would have missed all that stuff. And that that's a big thing for with me for a like, you know, like doing, you know, getting asked to speak, I'm just thinking about how many how many ways can I get out of this? What can I say to, what can I say to get out of this speaking commitment, but I come because it's a debt that I need to repay to a for the life that it's given me. So that the baby mama that I met in rehab, we're married.

We have two kids, they're 11 and seven. Um, she doesn't, she doesn't, she doesn't do any of this stuff. But she doesn't drink or do anything as far as I as I know. And I would know. And, and that's okay. You know, and it was a big deal for me that I was like, she needs to, you know, get a sponsor and do the steps and do what I'm doing, because I'm doing it, you know, my sponsors like dude, like, no, he's like, chill, he's like, just worry about yourself. You have no control over over what she's doing. And I was able to work through that. And now

it's like, I mean, we have a wonderful house together. Like we were complete opposites, but it works like we, and it works because I do a lot of the work. So I would never tell her that. Because she's perfect. She really is though. But man, I love her to death. And man, like the life that Oh, God, I forgot. I'm not I haven't talked about God yet. I I was I didn't really know how I felt about it. Like I grew up in

going to private school and at Lutheran, Lutheran private school, and they would take us to chapel and and have us read all this stuff. And, you know, the book, the Bible, and I so that's kind of what I believed in. I believed in that have in the hell. And one thing I remember is I always be in the principal's office, because I was always acting up. And they had this picture of people walking towards hell, and then falling into this big old pit of fire. And I was just like, what the

what is this? Like, what, like, I never asked them what it was. But it was just, that's like, one thing I remember from there. And so going through the book, my sponsor, you know, he's like, you can have your own conception of God, like, it doesn't have to be what you believe in, like, you can pick your own thing. And like, for me, from someone going from from that, to be able to pick something, it was like, kind of like a revelation for me. And so I had a hard time praying, but he's like,

just, you know, I was really embarrassed to get on my knees and do it. And he's like, just do it. Like, it's not that big a deal. And like, with practice, I was able to do it, I would do it in front of my wife, I'd be so embarrassed doing it in front of her at, you know, on bed, but I would just do it, you know, and I was this is kind of like my sobriety, like, I just do this stuff, you know, I just keep going on. And it's been it's been a I'm not gonna lie, it's been a real struggle for me for since the since the pandemic, the pandemic

really hit me hard with the meetings. I tried to do to do the zoom, like, I applaud these these guys for being able to, they're, they're, they were here early, you know, they're here, fellowshipping, they're, they're with right there with you guys, like, that was not me, I'd have my camera off, and I'd be doing whatever, you know, so my hat, my hat is off to you guys. Because I was I was very impressed with the amount of people that were here early and talking and fellowshipping, like that's, that's, I wish I could do that. Um, so so I

it took it took a big hit. Um, I stopped going to meetings, and I was like, I was dry for a long time. And, and, and I was and I was hurting, I was hurting a lot. And it's, it's hard to come back and get this thing going again. Because when life gets big, and life has given me a lot of stuff, a lot of the cash and prizes life has given to me, it's hard to get consistent with my with my it was it was hard for me to get back and get consistent with the meetings and the,

the fellowship and picking up new guys and doing all that stuff. And I'm not sure why, but it just it just happened. And I never thought it would happen to me. But it did. But it did. And it was a struggle for me. And my I love my sponsor, because he like, he'll call me if I don't call him for a while, like, he'll actually call me and that happens happens a lot. So I'm like, grateful that he's there for me. And so I've been really trying hard to get back into these meetings getting, you know, going back and

picking up new guys and taking into our meeting and start and taking guys through the book, because I forget that that's the debt that we need to repay. And I've been doing that for the past, you know, for the past year, and like, I feel so much better, so much better. I remember calling my sponsor at work, just like crying, like that big, deep cry where you can't breathe, and you're like heaving for air, and like, that's how much I hurt. And like, I don't like, and I don't want to feel like that, because I'm treating everyone else like not well. And so I have to

keep it a serious piece of business. And this thing has to come first before everything else. Because without AA, my life is nothing. It really is. Like the job that I had, I get to get I get to go to the car that I get to drive. The wife that loves me, the two kids that absolutely adore me that I love so much. All that's gone. I'm gonna be maybe get 30 minutes with them with, you know, because I'm not going to get custody. You know, if I'm out there doing my thing, like,

they probably won't even have anything to do with me. And, you know, my deepest fears of being like my dad will come true. You know, like, that's what's waiting for me. So I'm just I'm like, super grateful to still be around to be of service to have guys like Gary come with me to the meeting. This is the best deal in town, my sponsor says it's the best deal in town. And thank you so much for having me for asking me you guys were so welcoming, and I really appreciate it. So thank you. Thank you so much.