From Rebellion to Sobriety: Ishmael's Journey

Ishmael alcoholic. Thank you, Bruce, for, and Abraham, I guess, for allowing me to be of service tonight. Let me start my timer real quick. 30 minutes I put, but I have like, what, 35? My sobriety date is July 2nd of 2018. Not my first sobriety date. You'll hear about that later. Home group

is USR Men's Stag. And my sponsor is Ruben. Some of you guys know him. He's been my sponsor for the past seven years. And before that, my sponsor was Milton, was also a member of Quality of Life. It's always, the hardest part is always like the beginning of my story, because I've spent so long just ignoring or shutting out memories, even though it wasn't really all that bad. But I was always, you know, I could

say that from the very beginning, I always hated just about everything about life.

I hated that I had to go to school. I hate it that I have to take a shower. I hate it, everything. And

then I also hate it. You know, when parents would fight. Or when they separate it. And, um, and, uh,

I hate it. I it's just, that was one of the words in my vocabulary was, I hate, I hate a lot that. And

I don't know. Which my dad hates. He hates when I say, I don't know. And, um, uh, so,

And from the very beginning, I've always found myself in trouble doing something that I shouldn't

have been doing. I don't know why it is that it was, I never learned from my lessons and I never

took responsibility for anything. It was just easier to just blame my little brother or blame

the situation at that time. And so, you know, I found myself, you know, doing things I shouldn't

have been doing in school, like bringing knives to school or, you know, biting some kid on the

playground. You know, I was talking to John, John O, you guys know John Orphan, even though I'm

breaking his anonymity, but he tells me, you need to start telling people the stories that you've

told me in your disease, because they're interesting. And I've never thought about

telling people a lot of the stories, the crazy little stories I have. But, you know, one story

I can give as a youth, the things that I've learned, the things that I've learned, the things

I would do would have school projects where you would do spices throughout the world. And you

would, I remember I told this kid, why don't you, one of the spices was a red pepper. And I said,

rub it in your eye. And my teacher overheard it. And he came up to me and says, what did you just

say to him? And he said, and I said, nothing. I didn't say anything. And I found myself in the

principal's office. And that was pretty much every day. I was doing something like that every day.

And parents didn't know what to do. Giving me the belt or the hanger didn't work. You know,

and then it got to the point where my mom would have to go to my uncles and they would try and

scare me straight. I remember I lived on a military base for like a month or two, the one in San Diego,

because my uncle Robert was a Marine. And she thought that that would help and didn't help.

It didn't help at all. And, um, uh, real quick, you know, uh, my first drink, I remember it. It

wasn't really, it wasn't really, it wasn't really, it wasn't really, it wasn't really, it wasn't really,

I just knew that I liked the way it tasted. My dad gave me a sip of his beer. It had salt and lemon

on it. And it was a Mexican beer. It was, uh, and I'm going to butcher it. And, uh, it tasted great.

I didn't get drunk. I didn't feel, I didn't drink enough to get buzzed, but I just had a little sip

and I wanted a little more of it. And I just, I remember that. And I remember my first cigarette

I stole from my mom, Marlboro light. I smoked in the backyard. And then, uh, you know, that was

maybe six years old. But when I got to like 12 or 13, you know, I was pretty much smoking weed,

ditching school, drinking beer every day. It was just something that happened. Uh, people I'd hang

out with. And, um, you know, at 13, you're not a lot legal. You're not a lot of smoke or drink

alcohol. And, uh, I, uh, would, I'm not really that slick. And, uh, you know, I get caught by

the truancy police. And, um, and, uh, at one point I was charged with, uh, possession narcotics

because at the time marijuana was like a schedule one narcotic and, um, terrorist threats. And I

found myself in juvenile hall. Uh, I found myself in juvenile hall and that was the start of my,

I guess, uh, jail, uh, institutionalized life. Like, uh, a lot of the members in my mom's side,

the family were lifers or in jail, you know, and, um, and she would always warn me about that.

I had, um, uh, alcoholism and I didn't really thought much about it. I didn't really know

what alcoholism was really until AA, but she would always tell me that you have, um, that gene in you.

And, um, my grandmother was a heroin addict. Um, probably sold herself on the street. Always had a

tall can with the, a Budweiser tall can with the paper bag over it,

smoking her Marlboro Reds. That was just her thing. And she liked to slam dope. Um, everyone

on my mom's side of the family were just messed up. And, um, so yeah, uh, I'm in juvenile hall

and then, which felt like an eternity for a 13 year old, just one month. And then, uh, I got

probation and then I think I just couldn't stay out of trouble naturally. And, uh, I was back in

jail and I get out and I'm back in, I'm back failing. I failed the drug test. I didn't show

for school. Um, and, uh, you know, you name it, I've been there.

You can name every juvenile facility in Southern California. I've been there. I've been to

Los Padrino. I went to East Lake in LA. I went to Barry J. Nordhoff, which is the one in Sylmar.

Uh, and then I found myself in, um, juvenile camps. Um, I was in, uh, Camp Munns and Camp

Mendenhall, uh, is a military camp and they make you march in cadence and face movements and,

and very strong.

And I hated it. And, um, yeah, I was, I was out there and that was just normal, I guess. You know,

there was no school dances. There was no, uh, kissing the girl. There was no, um, losing my

virginity at a party. I, it was just incarceration 24 seven. And then I'd get maybe a month out,

get high smoking weed and then, and drinking and then get caught by the police. And then they throw

me back in for violation. And, um, around the, and,

this is from 13 all the way up to 17, 18. I found myself in a, in a group home. I was in a group home

for what felt like a year, but it might've been eight or nine months. And, um, and I just honed

my skills as a drug addict, as a thief, as a, uh, you know, um, whatever you call when someone

does beer runs. Um, I would do beer runs for, for month for cash for a lot of the residents there.

And, uh, you know, that's,

I was just really good at it. And, um, and I never got caught and I was really good. I was really

good. And, um, and then, uh, I think something happened. I think I hurt someone in there really

bad and I had to leave the facility. So I ran away, must've been 17. And, um, and, uh, I'd

always heard in jail that once you turn 18, your record is expunged essentially from all your

crimes. They can't no longer, uh, arrest you for charges that you received when you were a minor

when you're 18.

So I stayed low as low as possible from throughout my, uh, the age of 17 until I hit 18. And then I

was free essentially. And, um, but I wasn't free from that disease. Um, and it got worse. Um, at

this point, you know, I was, uh, addicted to, uh, uh, methamphetamine and, um, and, you know,

I just did everything and anything I possibly could to like escape reality, enter oblivion.

And, uh, it's the only time,

I'm truly at one with myself, um, comfortable or happy content is when I have something inside of

me, whether it's alcohol or drugs. Um, I can't live without it. Um, and, uh, to support my habit,

I committed a lot of crimes. Um, one, one instance was I must've been, uh, I was just

out of my mind. Uh, I lost, um, all reason. I, I was hearing voices. I was hearing voices. I was

thinking very strangely. And I remember this one time there was this girl I had a crush on

and I thought, you know, the forces that be were, you know, uh, assaulting her, they kidnapped her,

you know, uh, and, and it was, it was a more, and I thought it was happening in a mortuary

inside the, the, where they embalmed the body or where they prep it for this, uh, showings.

I don't know. And, uh, and I came in with an ax and I, I chopped the door down,

and, uh, it was like straight out of the shining and I'm running around. It's a very nice, I think

it's the one where you just were at, uh, J P Oswald, the one on McClay. And I ran around with

an ax and, um, which I used to do a lot. I used to run around with machetes and axes. And, um,

and I just remember this guy standing, I guess he lived there or was the overseer of the property

and he's in his pajamas. I think, I guess he lived there and he was just staring down at me and I had

an ax.

And I was, I don't know what I was going to do. I'm not going to say I was going to kill him

because I've never killed anyone in my life, but I just remember having the ax. And then next thing

you know, you have helicopters and squads of cars all over and I'm running from them. And, um,

eventually they caught me. Uh, I ditched the ax though. I don't know if he told them about the

ax or not, but, um, uh, the, the arresting off, the arresting officers had me in cuffs. And then

this one cop just came out of nowhere and he says, don't worry, I got this guy. So this guy was

a friend of my dad's and his son apparently was going through a lot of the same things I was going

through. And instead of taking me to jail, he took me to all of you hospital in Sylmar. And on the

way there, he's telling me about his kid. He was saying, you know, your dad's a really good man.

Uh, why are you doing this to him? Um, you know, uh, we don't deserve this. And, uh, you know,

you're just like my kid and, and, you know, he's just trying to relate. And I'm just sitting there

like dead because, uh, I don't really care. I have, uh, bigger problems like

the shady government trying to implant chips into my brain. And, um, and, uh, and a lot of it's a lot,

a lot, uh, I got, I think I got arrested in, uh, uh, on three different occasions at, at a

mortuary, which is really weird. Um, and I, and I was committing a lot of commercial burglary to pay

for my habit, uh, stealing tools, stealing car stereos. This is, uh, 2005, 2004. And, um, uh,

two, uh,

two detectives that were handling my case, uh, one from LA County and then one San Fernando PD, uh,

uh, detective, uh, picked me up off the street and, um, they didn't read me my rights. They

didn't do anything. They just picked me up off the street and I caused a lot of wreckage,

a lot of wreckage in that city. Um, just robbing and stealing from people. And, uh, they didn't tell

me anything why I was being arrested. Um, and, uh, next thing you know, I'm in County jail and I'm,

and then I'm facing the judge. And then, uh, they're listing all these charges, uh, 22 counts

of commercial burglary, possession of narcotics, strong arm robbery, um, this, this, and that.

And they were like, um, they were trying to throw the book at me. Uh, they thought that I was insane

too. I think they heard about the accident incident being in mortuaries and, uh, and they were afraid,

I think that I might hurt someone. But, uh, you know, luckily, you know, my mom, she's always been

there for me since the beginning. She's always been there for me since the beginning. And, uh,

she literally helped me bury a dead body if she could, or if she can get away with that, or even

if she couldn't, she would still help me. She helped me do anything. She'd go to the ends of

the earth to, to, to save me. Um, and I was lucky enough to have her on my side one last time. And

she, um, got me a, um, a lawyer and, uh, I think they spent a lot of money on that lawyer and he

was a good lawyer. And I think, uh, one of the things my mom says is she said, I think he's a

good lawyer. He has like a really nice car. And, uh, and honestly, I don't know if she's a good

lawyer. I don't know if she's a good lawyer. I don't know if she's a good lawyer. I don't know if

she's a good lawyer. I don't know if she's a good lawyer. I don't know if she's a good lawyer.

I just wanted to get out so I can get high again. That was my main goal is to get out as fast as

possible and get high and maybe try and do it a little differently. Um, so I fought my case for

that year in County jail and, um, and I'm facing, uh, the judge and he's telling me, well, you were

going to give you these conditions, uh, for your release. They dropped all they, I think they

dropped it down to two counts commercial burglary possession narcotics. And I pled insanity. I got

evaluated and I pled insanity. And, um, some of the conditions were that I had a six year joint

suspension. So if I messed up, I got to do six years, whatever percentage, um, had to do two

years in a dual diagnosed men's structured sober living, which was unheard of at that facility.

Cause most people would do six months to a year. And, um, and I had five years probation where I

drug tested every month and, um, uh, and I was free. I thought I was free. And then I, they took

me to a facility, which was called millennium house. Um, and, uh, and that was my, I guess,

introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, they took me to, I remember my first meeting where I

met a friend of mine who I still know to this day, she gave me a chip and she was a solid AA-er.

So, uh, but the meeting that really got me was life's in session. They brought, they brought me

to the, uh, life's in session. And, uh, it was, I think a men's stag and it was packed. It was

wall to wall. Uh, every chair was filled. The walls were filled.

And, um, and I wanted what they had. I wanted, I wanted to just be a part of, um, and then there

was the split, the big split and the meeting literally cut in half. The meeting was still big,

even after the split, um, even quality of life was big. This is a big meeting. And, um, but I, I,

I didn't know anything about that internal politics at that time. So I just stuck with

life's in session cause it was close to my facility. And, um, and I did everything they

told me to do. And, you know, like you said, they, they, they poke you in the chest. They tell

you, they, they tell you what to do and you do it without, without any, uh, uh, pushback. And,

uh, I had no problem with that. The, the alternative was, was, uh, was hell. And this

was just a second chance. Yeah. The courts were happy. My probation officer was happy. Everyone

was happy when I was in AA doing what exactly what I was supposed to do. Um, but I still had

reservations in at that time, a lot of reservations. I told myself that, you know, I was going to do

that. That, that, you know, when I get to 30, I'll be a man and I'll know what it means to have a

job. I'll know what it means to drink alcohol, like a regular person, just be normal. Um, I

wasn't paying, I wasn't actually listening to what, what the book was telling me. Um, I think

I was just, uh, waiting, waiting for the right opportunity and very opportunistic. Uh, uh, and,

and even today I am, um, which is a big character defect of mine. Um, so this was,

I, I believe I was sober for maybe, uh, six or seven years. I, at that point I had six or seven

years. It's, it's kind of hard to gauge, uh, cause I didn't really pay attention. And my

sobriety honestly was questionable. You know, I did things, little things. I wasn't an active

drinker or user, but I would do things like, uh, take a Seroquel so I can go to sleep that night.

Uh, that's, that's a relapse in my mind. Uh, today I see that as a relapse. I wouldn't do that today.

Um, but, uh, the, I made that, uh, I made the, a decision to get high cause marijuana was legal at

this time. And I think this was 2012 or 2013. And, um, and that was it. Um, I had only, I stopped

going to meeting for maybe two, two months. I fired, I fired Michael Smith and that's all it

took is, is, uh, just that amount of time to be away from AA for me to go out and use again and,

and, and think I can try and do it a different way.

Um, and I gave up everything and I gave up that whole life. I had so many friends and they would

call me and say, Hey, how are you doing? Uh, what's going on? Are you okay? A lot of you guys know

Damien. He was my best friend. He still is my best friend, but, uh, you know, I, I just turned my

back on him and, uh, yeah, that just shows what kind of guy I am. I mean, I was just, um, I didn't

care. I was very, uh, into self. Um, yeah. And he stayed, he stayed. Thank God. And, uh,

you know, I did everything I ever wanted to try. I did all those reservations I had. I,

I got to try the new beers, the, the, the fancy beers. I got to try this and that. And, um, and

it was okay at first, but, um, it got really bad at the end. At the end, I was slowly taking

everything back. I told myself I would never mess around with those heavy, heavy drugs. And then

there I am in, in, in a bathroom doing them. And I'm just thinking to myself, why I'm, I'm back.

I'm back to, I'm back to, I'm back to, I'm back to, I'm back to, I'm back to, I'm back to, I'm back to,

where I was, uh, seven years ago. And then my mind starting to deteriorate all over again. And,

um, those old thoughts are coming back and, um, and I'm not taking care of myself at all. Um,

and it got to the point where, you know, I wasn't showering. I wasn't brushing my teeth. I had very

long, greasy hair, a large beard, my room, the floor was wet for some reason. I don't know why

the carpet was wet. And, uh, I had trash up to here. Can you believe it? There was trash up to

here, just trash. And, uh, and I smell, I smell bad. I smell really bad, like death. And, and, and

what, what, uh, I guess a homeless person would smell like just that I had, I had a roof over my

head. And, uh, and, uh, funny enough, I had a girlfriend for some reason. She, she was pretty

normal, actually. Uh, not really. She, I mean, she, she could drink, uh, this girl, um, we were

living in, uh, or I would stay at her place and,

in, uh, in LA, uh, off of Alvarado street near MacArthur park. And, uh, yeah, she kicked me out,

uh, because, uh, I was doing, um, uh, cocaine and fentanyl together. And, uh, she said, uh,

you know, you need to leave. You're going to kill yourself. I want you dying in here. And, uh, she

said, yeah, you need to leave. And, um, I remember walking down MacArthur park and like grasping at

my chest and kind of crying a little bit, you know, uh, saying, oh, I'm, I think I'm going to

die. Um, I don't want to die, but the way I use and drink, I, I just like, I'm trying to kill

myself. And, um, and, uh, I called my, my buddy Damien and, uh, you know, of course he'll be there

for me. Um, he says, okay, I'll pick you up. And, uh, I ended up at all of you hospital. I was

waiting for him. I don't know if he was at work or something, but, uh, uh, he picked me up that

next morning and, um, he took me to a seat and I was like, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm

in Long Beach. We picked up this other person, uh, Melissa D, um, was Mike D's, uh, wife. Um,

she had gone out too. And they took me to, they took us to a meeting and, um, I, I, I hadn't done

anything for, I don't know how long it was all, it's all, it's all blurry. A lot of that, uh,

a lot of that was very blurry, but, um, I just remember us going to, um, a Mexican restaurant

and, uh, and I had to leave the table and I went into the,

the bathroom and I just sat on the toilet fully clothed. I wasn't using it. I was just sick

and, uh, very sick. And I just remember sweating a lot and sitting on the sweat and I was wearing

this long black trench, trench coat, uh, and, and, uh, and then I felt better and I went to go sit

down and, and I ate with the rest of them and with the rest, with Damien and his wife, Tammy and

Melissa and, and, uh, and he picked me up the next day and went to a meeting. And, uh, I think that

was the Friday night, um, quality of life meeting. And, um, you know, uh, strange times. Cause I,

I didn't, I didn't end up staying sober. I, I met, I, what I guess they call California sober

now. I didn't, they didn't have a name for it. I don't think then. Um, but I, I just continued

going. And then finally, oh, and USR that he took me to USR. And I, I came back every Wednesday,

I don't remember you leading that meeting. I don't remember that that night. I mean, I, I vaguely

remember it. I just remember sharing. That's about it. But, um, and I kept coming back and I said,

oh, I got eight days next Thursday, eight days. Like really? I had no days. I got high every day.

And then July 1st, 2018, I was at the Saturday night, uh, quality of life meeting. And I think

Milton was there. I don't know if he spoke. I know he didn't go to the meeting, but he was there and

he, he said something. And I don't know. I just want it. I, I want it. I don't know. I don't know.

I wanted him as my sponsor. And I asked him, well, I told myself that once I make that decision

where I'm going to ask this person to be my sponsor, that's it. There's no more games. There's

no more. Um, that's it. It's time to get sober. And, um, uh, yeah, that night I smoked all my

weed. I smoked everything. I did everything I had. I I'm like, I'm not, I'm not waste, wasteful

person. So, uh, I, I did everything I had and then, um, got really messed up and I went to sleep

and I woke up that morning and that was my sobriety date, July 2nd, 2018. It was a Sunday

and, um, called Milton and he told me everything I need to do. Go to the meeting tonight. I went to

the newcomer Sunday meeting. Um, I read the book and I got on my knees and I prayed and that was

a tough day. A lot of the days after that were tough because I, I ended up on my knees every

day, just crying, uh, begging God, uh, to make it make the pain go away. Um, I remember like

really just praying to God, like, um, to relieve me of,

of this pain and, uh, I couldn't believe I was staying sober. It was, uh, it was pretty intense

and, uh, and I just went to meetings and I called my sponsor and, uh, I read the book and, uh, and

I got commitments and I did that. I did that, uh, every day, every day for 20, 2018. Um, and I went

to USR and I went to my first men's retreat, uh, and it was the greatest thing ever. Um, and the

obsession is gone and, uh, all that's left is going to my meetings, reading my book and doing my best

to be, uh, to stay in the middle. Um, my first, you know, I, I hate it. I, I thought the idea of a

men's retreat was just the dumbest thing. It was a bunch of men hanging out, uh, away from your home

and I just thought it was dumb and weird. And, uh, it was the greatest experience ever. I met,

well, I, I, Ryan was going, but he was like what I called the game master. I don't know if that

term has always been the term, but I just saw it as the game master, you know, some cool stuff

right there. And, uh, and, uh, we, we played games all night and it was, uh, you know, I, I just,

I just knew that I wanted to do that again. And, um, and whatever anyone and everyone was doing,

I wanted to be a part of, um, if they're going here, I want to be there. Um, they're going out

to eat. I want to be there. I want to, uh, like that annoying, uh, little brother, I guess. And,

uh, but I didn't care because I just, I, I was hungry for it. And, um, and I wanted to be a part

of, and, um, and I was sober.

I was sober and it was, um, you know, uh, you know, I'm, I don't have a perfect program.

Um, I, I still did things my way. Um, not as bad as it was before, but, um, I thought,

oh, if I'm not hurting anyone, as long as I'm doing what my sponsor's telling me, then,

then I'm all right. But, um, I think, uh, uh, I did a lot of that one too many times

and, uh, it got to the point where my sponsor fired me, Milton fired me. And, um, and, uh,

I knew that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that,

that wouldn't fly me not having sponsors. So that very night I called Ruben. Uh, I didn't

even give it a minute being without a sponsor. I called Ruben and, and I asked him, I need

a sponsor. And he said, all right, call me tomorrow. We'll, we'll, we'll make this work.

And, uh, you know, that was, you know, that was, this, this was a whole nother level of,

of, of AA for me because, um, you know, the thing with life succession and quality of

life, that there was always that fear that once you lose your sponsor, or once you stop

going to AA, you're going to lose your sponsor. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

you know, you're going to drink. And it was always kind of instilled by other members

that if you do this, you will drink. If you leave life succession, you're going to drink.

It's like, uh, you know, and, um, that's not the case. As long as you have a good sponsor,

strong recovery, and you stay connected, anything is possible in AA, I found out. And, uh, and

I wasn't really afraid because the connection I had with the men at USR was just so strong

that, uh, I was safe. And, uh, you know, like I said, Ruben brought me into a whole nother

level of, of, of AA, uh, Pacific group and what they do. And, and, um, a lot of the men

that he knows, uh, who I greatly respect. Um, and, uh, you know, next thing you know,

I find myself with these, these men and I feel a part of, uh, of, you know, and I could

never put myself at that level of, of, uh, at least for me, I don't know how they would

see it, but it just seems like they're on a whole nother level and maybe they see me

as equal. I don't, I don't know. But, uh, just, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

it's, it's a, it's a great honor. It truly is a great honor. I don't want to glaze you

guys that much. Obviously a lot of you guys are sitting here today. So, um, but yeah,

you guys are, I love USR and, and I love Bruce. You were always good to me. Uh, you're always

good to me. Um, in that first year, I won't forget that. And, um, and yeah, I love AA.

um yeah I love being of service and even though I still have those feelings where it's like I don't

want to do this today but it's normal I found as long as I just keep showing up doing what I'm

supposed to do keep hanging out with guys like Abraham Game Master over here you know I got to

meet connect with guys I never thought I my my brother's friend from childhood I'm friends with

him now I feel like it should be the other way around he might need that more than me um yeah

um the men are amazing I love men's stags I love men's retreats um it's it's a brotherhood it feels

like a there's a strong bond with that that comes with that that's that's amazing um uh and it's a

lot different from what it was like eight years ago sitting in that room slowly killing myself

um I've been given so many gifts so many gifts and um and I and one big difference is that my

connection with God is that I've been given so many gifts and I've been given so many gifts

um God and my sponsor and the men in the rooms it's it's it's the biggest difference I've never

really had anything like that before um my understanding of of of the steps and a lot of

what it really is that we have in in AA um I understand that um I'm not cured it's a daily

reprieve um as long as I have that God in my life um yeah so uh thank you guys for being here thank

you Bruce for asking me and thank all the men for showing up I really appreciate it and I'll see you

next time.

I really appreciate it a lot thank you.