Finding Belonging: Mike's Journey from Feeling Lost to Sobriety

Hi, Mike. I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for having me. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. Wonderful life today. Very fortunate to be here in October. My sobriety date, so I bet, 1984, but I've been sober a little while. Got some friends here, you know. I know Oscar, and we used to do a lot of these boating trips. We still do a bunch, but not as many, and Oscar was great on the grill, and he came out on the next boating trip. He wasn't there, and I was doing the grilling and saying, I was

not as good as Oscar, and I got my tri-tip just perfect, but as I was taking it off the grill, I dropped it on the grill. Today, sobriety's fun. It is fun. I love being sober. I've got a busy, sober life. Last night, tonight, tomorrow morning, another meeting. We have an AA barbecue in the afternoon at Stepping Stones, and then another meeting tomorrow night. Alcoholics Anonymous is a huge part of my life. I was at a meeting not too long ago, and a newcomer said,

some people see the glass as being half empty. Some see it as being half full. He sees it as having room for vodka, and today, the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous is it's just not there. Like the book says, the obsession has been removed. I've got a great life today, and alcohol is not part of it, thankfully, because a lot of what I do today is still what I did when I was new. I'm doing the same thing I did when I was new.

It's just, it's actually easy to stay sober, I think. You know, certainly life's got its challenges and ups and downs and stuff, but it's just, I keep showing up and willing and doing what I was shown to do when I was new and trying to improve on that. Anything goes good, you know? So anyway, I'll get started at the beginning. I was born in New York City, Jersey. I was a short, fat kid.

First, I was on the swim team, and let me tell you something. Little fat boys have no business being in a Speedo. I felt like everybody was looking and laughing at me, you know? I just, from my earliest memory, I didn't feel like I fit in. You know, my dad just passed away a couple of months ago. He was 46 years sober, but I grew up in an alcoholic home. My mom had six kids in seven years, five boys and a girl, and out of the five boys, three of us are in AA, and I grew up in an alcoholic home.

And the other two, in my opinion, should be in AA. And so we had a drunken house. It was a crazy house. And you know, another thing I just remember as a kid is just being confused. You know, I'm not really sure how to get along. Everybody seemed to be doing okay, and I just felt like I didn't feel like I really fit in.

Bases were loaded, and the scores, nothing, nothing. It was two outs. And I got up, and I hit a grand slam. And the way I was treated after the game was the way I wanted to be treated all the time. And I heard someone say, and I agree with him, if you treat me special, I feel average, and if you treat me average, I feel neglected. And I always felt neglected. And I had to get, I needed attention. You know, I'm an alcoholic. I believe we're all like that.

And I think the alcoholic has an invisible billboard around their neck that says, treat me special, starting now.

And that was me. I wanted attention now. And one of the problems was, you know, my older brother was a straight-A student, and my dad was a straight-A student, Ford Law School scholarship, and then off to NYU for another degree in something.

And I have no idea what it was. But no matter what I did, you know, if I came home with a B or an A, or, you know, I was like, okay, that thing was hosted.

It's not that I identify with one talking about not really fitting in. I was, I didn't fit in. You know, they were, my dad, like my older brother, and then there was me, who was the complete opposite of my older brother.

I was, you know, basically a D, F tech student, you know, didn't get along in class, always destructive, dad of the principal's office.

Always in trouble. And, you know, again, as a kid, just never feel like I fit in. Another thing that I didn't quite understand was, you know, as a kid, my dad did his undergraduate work in seminary.

So, you know, we would go to church all the time. I didn't get it. You know, everybody, you know, looks like they're looking up in the sky, and everybody's getting it.

And I'm like, what the hell are they looking at? You know, I've done a confession, and I'm coming up feeling guiltier than when I went in.

When I went to the police.

I didn't understand it.

You know, it says things like, if you were raised in a certain faith, it's a good idea to go back and investigate it.

Or it also says, be quick to see what our religious friends are like, take advantage of what they offer, you know.

So, you know, I realized that what I learned at seven, eight, nine years old, you know, as a fearful, confused kid, was useless.

In my 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s.

And I had to go back and take a look at what I learned and relearn it.

Actually learn what it was that they were talking about.

So, you know, I'm very grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous and all that.

But so as a kid, you know, growing up, I didn't fit in.

You know, always a fight in the house.

Always a fight.

Somebody was getting a razzed kid.

Somebody was getting yelled at.

We were dirt poor.

My dad was always losing jobs and stuff.

And, you know, that's the other thing.

You know, go.

Go get an education.

I'm like, for what?

You're always getting fired from, you know, a job.

And shut up, you little asshole.

I get that response, you know.

And, you know, and I started, I didn't understand, you know, they're telling me to do all this stuff.

But then, you know, we got nothing.

We're dirt poor.

And I remember also it seemed even when I tried to do something nice for somebody, you know, it didn't work out.

You know, my mom, my parents got divorced.

My dad moved out.

We were really poor.

And my mom had gotten the only new car she ever got in her life.

And I'm thinking, you know, let me go wash mom's car for her.

Do something nice for her.

So I grabbed the Comet cleanser.

When I got done with that thing, that car looked like it was about 15 years old.

You know, I'm a little bit, you know, trying to do something nice.

You know, it didn't seem to work out.

You know, as a kid, I struggled.

You know, I struggled.

You know, adults were always yelling at me, you know, what the hell is wrong with you?

You know, teachers were always asking that question, you know.

And that's an irritating question because, you know, I did feel, you know, different.

You know, I felt different.

I had no idea.

People were asking me these questions.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You know, and I ended up having to go see the psychiatrist, you know, or later before we all started drinking.

Me and my brothers were in court ordered to go to family therapy, which, you know, that was a lot of work.

It was a pain in the ass.

You know, we were just like always trying to figure out, you know, what was wrong with us.

And I got, I ended up starting to get into a lot of trouble.

And I got sent away when I was 15.

And I remember thinking, you know, I'm not a bad person.

You know, why am I getting sent away?

You know, why are these problems?

And I got sent away.

And one of the things about this place was it was on like a point system.

If you did something right, you got points and you could spend them on a movie on Friday or something like that.

And if you did something wrong, they took points away from you.

And I was like, the first week, I was like negative 5,000 points for the next month, for the next year.

I don't think I would have broke either.

I was up there and I was standing outside with the guys, you know, and I never felt like I fit in.

You know, I never felt like Dixon was enough.

I wanted to be more than what I was.

I always felt like I had to be a funny guy or a tough guy or something.

You know, I always wanted to be a little bit more, you know.

And I'm standing outside with the guys and someone pops up with a bottle of wine.

And I remember taking a little sip off it and I felt something.

I said, hey, can I see that back a second?

And I took the bottle and I just drank it.

And everybody said, hey, send me some.

You know, and I was right from the first drink, you know, selfish, self-centered.

You know, you guys are going to have to get yourself another bottle.

This one's taken.

You know, and my first drink, I got into trouble.

I go back into class and I puked all over class.

And later they sent me to the doctor and they asked, where are you drinking?

And, you know, you give me an opportunity to lie.

Even if you don't.

You know, I'm going to take it.

You know, no, I wasn't drinking on something nasty for lunch.

I remember one time we had broken into my neighbor's house.

We stole all her liquor.

Me and my brother.

And in Jersey, we call it a graveyard.

Just pour it all into one pitcher.

He put that up and went off to the park.

And I puked like right away and went over to the side of this building.

There's my brother on his back, puking straight up in the air.

I'm leaning up against the building and the cop goes, where are you drinking?

I keep going.

Hey, I'm glad I'm still over there, but they don't have patience for kids today.

You know, you get arrested.

They let us go along.

Yeah, we were we were, you know, we were juvenile delinquents.

We were we were problems.

We hung out in this wood.

I remember this one time, this woods we hang out in and the cop said, you know, get the hell out of here.

You guys can't come.

And so me and the boys went over behind the church and one would go off and we'd light the woods on fire and they would come down and put it out.

This went on after about five times.

Lighting the woods on fire and the firemen coming down and putting it out.

The cop finally came over and said, you guys can hang out there.

Just don't cause any problems for the neighbors around there.

And, you know, so we had our victory, you know, and that was that was my life.

It was like me against the world.

You know, I just felt like I was fighting everyone, but they didn't like the stuff that I was doing.

I don't blame them.

I don't blame them at all.

You know, and so I ended up going to that before school.

I got out when I was six, 15 and I went to high school.

I remember my.

My first year in high school and I met a guy as I'm walking up to the school and he goes, come on, I'll show you where everybody parties.

And that was great.

You know, all the I did a lot of drugs and, you know, before school, we're getting I'm out, you know, by the time homework comes around, my head's on the desk and I'm falling asleep and I'm going home.

I don't want to be here.

You know, and I got ninth grade.

I got expelled from school and my mom passed away a couple of years ago.

We were cleaning out a place and she had saved all our report cards.

And my last.

Report card, she looks at it and she goes, she goes, is this real?

It was straight up.

Yeah, I didn't like school that much.

My daughter was there and she goes, what is it?

You know, she's over at UCLA now.

She's on the Dean's list.

You know, it's amazing if you do the homework, if you apply yourself and that's what I find myself.

It's amazing how really good things can go, you know, but I didn't.

I was busy fighting them all.

So I started.

When I was 15, I'll give you an idea of my drinking.

If prior to AA, I didn't work.

If I did, I was a tree climber and I remember we did this job for this lady, right?

She goes, this job, she goes, boys, all I have is this old scotch.

Would you like some?

And I remember thinking, break it out, granny.

And she, she comes out with a fifth of scotch and it's too hard to bite, right?

And so I pour myself a glass.

I pass it to my buddy and I drain it.

I'm pouring the second one.

You know, when you're out clogging.

And, and problems just seem to find you, right?

And you get a sense of when trouble's brewing, right?

I'm looking at this lady's face and I'm like, you know, we've got to wrap this thing up quick

because she's starting to lose patience with us for whatever reason, you know?

And so I poured my second drink and within just a couple of minutes, there's a little

splash left in this bottle, right?

And I go, here, I'll finish that for you.

She goes, give me that thing.

And we're leaving.

I asked my friend, I go, what the hell got her so angry?

You know, and I didn't realize the effect I had on other people.

I was like a bad rash that just wouldn't go away.

You know, it's like, and it just seemed to come naturally being a puritan, you know?

And then, but then I could, I could justify my actions.

You know, I started thinking, you know, I asked my friend, I said, Jesus Christ, if

she didn't want us to drink at all, why wouldn't she say something?

You know, and I didn't realize that normal drinkers don't hand two guys a fifth of scotch

and say, don't drink at all.

They just assume you're not gonna.

You know, the other thing that I missed was, you know,

Jesus Christ, if she didn't want us to drink at all, why would she, why would she give

us those big glasses?

She gave us these big glasses.

She implied, help yourself, which I did, but I did wrong.

You know, and that was, that was what I didn't understand.

I was always like, what did I do wrong?

I didn't understand.

I could not see my role in this, you know?

And that's how my life went.

I drank for 10 years and that was just, you know, it was just a series of problems and

problems that I created and then trying to overcome these problems.

You know, people would always say, Mike, what's wrong with you?

You know, why do you act like that?

Why do you drink like you shouldn't drink so much?

You know, and alcohol looked like my problem.

Alcohol, anybody that saw me would say, that boy shouldn't drink.

Alcohol's his problem.

And they would say, that is the most irritating question I've been for the alcoholic.

What is wrong with you?

Because I felt different, but I had no idea.

I had no idea why I drank like that.

You know, and I didn't realize until I got into AA that alcohol wasn't my problem.

Not drinking was my problem.

I didn't know how to get along out there.

I didn't know how to fit in out there.

Alcohol made everything okay.

When I drank, I felt okay.

So, you know, there were some problems that went along with it.

That's just, that's just what happens when you drink.

You know, you're going to have some problems, you know, that you're going to have to overcome.

And I just, you know, assumed that.

So I was always in trouble.

You know, always, you know, down at the police station and, you know, I never really had a car.

You know, if I did have a car, you know, I didn't have any of the appropriate paperwork because there's really never any extra money for that.

That really, to me, seemed optional.

You know, in my thinking, you know, really, what do you need insurance for or registration?

You know, I really need to drink.

I did a lot of drugs.

I really need to do that more than I need to have my car registered.

And so it was always, I would buy just these cheap cars.

You know, they would always get on the hook and they were in town free.

Plus, I never had a license either.

They were always just getting my license.

I'd get it and try to behave.

And within a couple of months, they would pick my license.

I was always in trouble and just like, I didn't know what was wrong with me.

And I started, you know, when I started drinking, my dad started getting sober.

So the big book was always around the house, you know, and initially it was a big joke.

You know, dad's an alcoholic.

You know, he belongs in AA.

You know, if I ever get like that, you know, maybe I'll go check out AA and stuff.

And I was just a smart ass little kid.

I love that line in the big book.

It says,

Defiance is the outstanding characteristic of the alcoholic.

And that was me.

I was like, you can't make me do it.

I'm not going to do it.

You can't meet.

That was, that was my attitude.

You know, I was, I was fighting the world and I ended up and eventually, you know, you get worn out doing that.

I do.

And I started thinking, you know, I was maybe 23, 22.

And I started thinking, you know, maybe I got a problem with alcohol.

Hey, let me, you know, I don't want to jump to conclusions around, you know, let me investigate this.

And I went to an alcoholism counselor.

And I said, how do you know if you're an alcoholic or not?

He says, try going five days without drinking.

I couldn't even make it five days.

You know, and I went into my first rehab and it was a 30 day rehab and I'm in there and I'm thinking, you know, I'm going to get out of here.

I'm not going to be drinking or anything.

I'm going to get a job, get it.

I'm going to get it to get a car, get a job, get my own place to live and stuff.

And I started putting conditions on my sobriety.

And that's not what happened.

I got out and I started going to AA and I'm living at this house with four other guys that drink like me.

And my sponsor says, you got to move out of it.

You know, you're going to end up drinking if you, if you don't move out of there.

And I had no money.

I had nowhere to move.

I moved into the backseat of my girlfriend's car in January in Jersey, you know, freezing.

She would come out at like five, six o'clock in the morning, wake me up and, and chase me off the property because she didn't want her mom seeing her homeless boyfriend sleeping in her car.

And I would just wander the neighborhood, you know, wondering, trying to figure things out.

What's wrong with me?

What's my next move?

And you know, that girl's mom.

I had to make amends to in sobriety.

She would, she, she had this attitude.

Like she would tolerate me.

She was, she like, let me in the house, but she had this attitude.

Like, don't feed the dog.

You'll never get rid of them.

You know what I mean?

So, you know, you don't like me.

I'm not going to like you back, you know?

And so she was a big lady and she liked to desert him.

So I'd go every time I went home to the house, I'd take her can of whipped cream.

I'd suck the nitrous out of the thing.

And I remember her one night putting whipped cream on her dessert.

It's just dripping.

Out of the kid, the third, dead kid whipped cream.

I thought, well, that's my spot.

She was there for two days.

Yeah.

One that I wasn't around to go on the team that I was.

So, you know, it's tough just fighting the world, you know, and I'm running out of gas and getting worn out.

You know, and I'm, I started going to come out of that rehab and I'm drinking again.

And I would like Jersey's don't call, you know, we got to get out of Jersey.

So we, we, my brother had moved out here to California.

And he came home and said, Hey, you guys want to go to California?

And so me and a buddy, you know, we just got off work.

We each had like 50 bucks.

We're like, yeah, let's go to California.

We come out here.

And within a week, I had gotten a job and got fired from a job.

And my buddy's dad got him a job out here and had a company truck.

And he totaled that the first week.

So immediately we were like, and we're living on the beach here in California.

Man, this place is off.

You got to get back to Jersey.

And we started, took us six months to hitchhike back to Jersey.

A couple of highlights of that trip.

It was, we're up in Reno and we met this guy that worked for a company that made these

plastic free drink chips for all the major casinos.

And he opened this trunk and there were thousands of them there.

I'm like jackpot, you know, and all we did was wake up, get hammered, go pass out, get

up, go get hammered, pass out.

And after about three days, this, I go to my brother, I go, man, we got to get out of

here.

We're going to end up alcoholic.

If we stick around.

We're going to continue to get out to Tucson.

You know, we're on the street down there, no money, selling plasma to get money to drink,

you know, get bologna for sandwiches and stuff, you know, just trying, just trying to get by

and just wondering how did I ever get, you know, what, what the hell happened?

I'm not a stupid person.

I got some abilities.

How did I ever get to this point where I'm just completely shut out?

Like, you know, and I ended up getting back to Jersey and I got into a lot of trouble.

I remember waking up one morning and just all hung over.

A lot of people were mad at me.

I opened a can of beer and looking at it and thinking, you know, that's, that's it.

That's it.

I can't, I can't drink anymore.

You know, I'm putting the beer down and calling my mom and saying, you know, is there another rehab I can get into?

And she goes, you know, you need a longer, you know, you're messed up.

You need her.

You need a good rehab.

And so she gets me to this place in seven in Denver called Santa Cora.

It's a two-year drug and alcohol rehab and I'm flying out to Denver.

I'm like, man, I've been in one for 30 days and that was awful.

There's no way.

I've lasted two years in this place, but I know where else to go.

Thankfully, I know where else to go.

And I get there and I'm on one of the things that you can't do.

They got all these rules and stuff, right?

One of the things you can't do is say anything negative.

I'm new.

I got nothing positive to say.

Shut up.

And then I got to happen.

I'm from Jersey.

I got a big mouth, right?

And so after about like six days in this, I go up to the director of the place.

I go, I don't think I belong in here.

Let's get out.

I'm like, where?

He's like, get out.

They had to physically throw me out.

I'm with my stuff.

I remember it was a Thursday night in Denver.

There's a light rain falling and I'm standing on the corner in Denver with everything.

I own the two glad bags full of stuff right now.

And you know, the book talks about a higher problem.

I believe I was helped that night.

You know, I believe my heart will put this guy in my life.

Along comes this guy staggering down the street.

You've been hoping for the half full six and an open beer.

And he goes, do you want one?

I wanted to drink as bad as I've ever wanted to drink in my life.

But I knew it was.

I knew if I took that drink, I would be just like,

I'm just staggered to see around the streets of Denver.

And I had been there.

I didn't want that anymore.

And I said, no, but can you get me to the airport?

Two brothers out here at the time.

And there's that.

They said, if you get to the airport, there's plane tickets to come out to L.A.

And, you know, the book talks about the loneliness of the alcoholic and seeking out lower companions of which I clearly was.

He goes, hang out with me tonight.

I'll make sure you catch your flight in the morning.

I hung out with this guy and I saw what an active what I looked like.

If I were to drink, you know, and it wasn't appealing.

And I and I came out here to California.

I'm 60 days sober and I'm pissed.

I'll tell you honestly, you know, you hear I've heard speaker speak saying, you know, I walked through the doors of AA and I knew I was home.

I walked through the doors of AA and I was angry because this wasn't where I wanted to be.

I was 25 years old.

My life was washed up. I had no jobs here with no education.

No, I had nothing. Absolutely nothing.

You know, and I get out here and my brother starts taking me around to these meetings and I'm standing on the wall.

I'm not talking anymore.

Nobody's coming up to me and I don't feel like I'm fitting in and I'm feeling uncomfortable.

I call my uncle who's sober a long time.

He's my aunt's call Clancy and and talk to him and I and he did and I didn't.

He took me to a meeting Saturday night lay life meeting in Santa Monica.

And I remember going in there and him introduced me around.

Just the welcome I got was unbelievable.

You know, everybody. Hey Mike, I'm glad you're here.

We're glad you're here. And you know, if you're new, we're truly glad you're here.

Right?

There out there is, you know, if it was fun, I'd still be out there.

It was not fun, you know, and in here, you know, we can learn how to have the life.

We've always gone, you know, and so I got in there and I didn't understand why everybody was so glad to see me.

You know, I've been going to AA and I didn't understand how this thing worked.

It made no sense to me.

You know, they're talking about drinking.

I got all these problems, you know, and I didn't understand how alcoholics anonymous work.

And so I started going to the meetings and and they're big on service there.

And right away, they're like, like, why don't you get on the cleanup crew?

And you know, I got sponsor and I started every time I went to a little problem.

He'd be like, you'd be like, you need to get on the setup crew.

You need to do smash troops.

You need to take the trash out.

You know, and I go up to one night and I said, you know, another, the world is ending.

One of my world is ending problems.

And it was probably something as simple as, you know, I was trying to eat my lunch and there was a fly that kept bothering me, you know, and so I told him what the problem was.

And he goes, you know, Mike, tonight's your lucky night.

This meeting needs a GSR and you're it.

And he goes, by the way, that's a two year commitment.

And I started doing service, you know, and I learned how to get my people to change, change my actions.

And I learned that if I change my actions, my thinking will change.

But all my life, hard AA, I had been thinking about what's wrong with me and what I needed to do to change.

And I learned that if I change my actions, my thinking will change.

And I learned that if I change my actions, my thinking will change.

And I learned that if I change my actions, my thinking will change.

And I found that thinking is just going to make things worse.

But if I can change my actions, eventually my thinking will change.

And it did.

And I remember, like I said, I was not happy I was here.

I realized I started, I could turn a positive thing negative really fast.

And I remember thinking, I got all these janitorial duties at all these meetings.

I'm going to meeting every time.

And I'm thinking, no way they're so glad to see me.

They just got a janitor that's going to work for free.

You know?

And I'm like.

And my brother managed a place called the Coffee Spot in Santa Monica.

And he got me a job there.

And I remember him trying to explain one of the cotton machines to me.

And I was pretty toasted when I came in.

You know, he's like, Mike, this is the on button and this is the off button.

I remember thinking, could you repeat that?

I was pretty toasted.

You know, a guy with such low self-esteem, during the day I was a trash man and at night I was in jail.

I don't ever want to be.

I hope I don't ever forget.

But the end of my drinking was on the struggle to learn how to stay sober that I had to go through.

And I don't ever want to go through that again.

And thankfully, you know, I don't have to.

I don't have to.

So anyway, that job at the coffee spot, you know, you're paying me four bucks an hour, right?

And in six months, I'm six months over.

And the owner of the company goes, Mike, we're going to have to let you go.

I go, are you kidding?

Why?

And she goes, you argue with everybody.

I go, but they argue with me.

What am I supposed to do?

You know, I did not know how to get along.

I did not know how to get along.

And the reality of this, she was paying me four dollars an hour to be there.

I should have been paying her forty dollars an hour to be there.

I was like customer repellent.

It was it was a struggle.

You know, it was a struggle.

And I started learning what they were teaching me, you know, to be a service, be a service, be a service.

And I started changing my attitude.

You know, I started changing in these rooms, you know, and it started with the laughter.

You know, I remember.

They have it on the wall at the Wednesday night meeting, you know, just looking at everybody and thinking, you know, I'm different.

I'm different.

I'm not going to fit in.

You know, everybody seems to have it together.

They look good.

Most people have a car.

They got some money, a place to live and stuff like that.

And here comes a guy that looks like I felt.

We start talking and, you know, turns out we like motorcycles.

You know, he said that I told him a story that one time I was I was so drunk, you know, as long as I was moving, I could keep the bike up.

Right.

Right.

Right.

A red light or something would just fall right over.

Because he told me about a time that he had left the bar drunk, crashed his motorcycle and couldn't get it off him.

So he just laid there and smoked his pot until someone came along.

And I, you know, don't understand.

You know, I remember a lot of people messed up in the witness.

I'm rather dirty.

I remember them yelling.

I don't mind you.

And I had to learn how to live for myself.

You know, it's going to be, everything's going to be okay.

You know, and I started, and I started with, I was the type of guy that, you know, I had the attitude like, give me the fire and then I'll put the wood in.

I wanted to see that this thing worked before I was willing to put in any effort.

I didn't trust anything.

I didn't, I didn't trust anything.

I didn't believe anybody.

And eventually I started, but I knew, I knew one thing for sure.

My best thinking got me to AA.

And I thought about things a lot, all the time.

Best answer I ever came up with was go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

So I knew I had to listen to somebody else.

I had to take direction from somebody else.

And I was around a lot of other people that were in the same boat that I was.

There was a lot of other guys that were all, you know, down and out, nowhere to go, you know, starting from the bottom.

And we were all just trying to find our way.

Talking about our lousy jobs.

One of, one of my friends, he had a, he was all excited.

He came to the meeting, he goes, yeah, I just got a job selling stun guns over the phone.

I was talking about a stun gun.

Because everybody needs a stun gun.

You know what I mean?

I just remember, you know, what was constant with our, our, every night I was at a meeting.

Every night I was doing some sort of service work.

I started doing general service.

I started getting into H&I.

I still got, I still got a panel.

I was out at Wayside on Wednesday night.

You know, I got clearance.

Now, back then, 30 years ago, 30, 34 years ago, you didn't need clearance.

You just put your license down and you'd go in and do your panel and stuff.

And one of the guys that I got sober with, he hadn't quite cleaned up the wreckage of his past.

So he put his license down, went in to do the panel.

And when he came out, they ran it.

And he had some outstanding warrants.

And so they were, they were patching down, he said, as they were walking the guys back to their cell.

And one of the guys said, keep coming back.

And the other guy said, that is not a great conclusion.

He says, we need him.

He came up with some, some little letters.

You know, I was listening to the phone.

You know, when he was drinking, he said he was so down and out and depressed, he was going to kill himself.

He got a 30-foot rope and he climbed up on a 20-foot high garage roof and he jumped.

He was going to hang himself.

He goes, I'll have to spray my ankle.

And I, and I, I, the stuff we do, you know, we got to be careful because we can hurt ourselves.

This isn't really the easiest option, really the easier one.

Just, you know, just what the hell, you know, someone suggested something just okay.

You know, and I think that's probably the biggest thing that helped me was learning how to say yes.

You know, I have, I've spoken to a lot of guys over the years and I hear a lot of excuses, you know, about how busy I am.

I'm busy.

I'm busy.

And I get that.

I believe we are busy.

I'm busy between our ears because we don't stop thinking.

We think about everything all the time, you know, so between my ears, I'm a busy person.

But actually in reality, I can always squeeze a little bit more.

I can always do a little bit more for the thing that's saving my life, you know, and, and, and that's the thing.

Am I willing to do it?

Am I willing to do it?

Am I willing to show up whether I want to or not?

And that's the key.

You know, that's what I learned that that's what adults do.

Adults do things they don't want to do.

You know, like go to work here.

You know, I think I was, I was bred for leisure.

I was not, you know, this, this work thing was, was a bit of a surprise, but I could do it.

You know, learning how and getting a career and a good job.

And, you know, like I said, you know, we're, we're on these boating trips.

I always wanted to go out to the lake and drink and watch other people go water skiing or watch them ride dirt bikes.

Everybody had a dirt bike.

You know, I had a bag of weed, you know, when we were kids, you know.

We do a lot of motocross.

We do a lot of trips.

And, you know, we got the freedom today.

I got the freedom today.

Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the freedom to do anything I want to do if I'm willing to pay the price.

If I'm willing to put in the effort, if I'm willing to pay the price and take care of the number one problem, and that's my alcoholism.

If I'm, if I'm willing to do that, anything else is possible, I've found.

And I don't know of any other organization in the world that can do that.

I take a useless piece of flesh like myself and give them a useful, purposeful life like I had today.

Like I said, you know, I'm married 28 years.

That's, that's amazing that I can be actually in a relationship for that, for that long.

You know, I'm a parent today.

My kid does well.

You know, I got, I'm not worried about where I'm going to sleep.

I own my own home.

I got a car, you know.

And if you're new, you know, I remember thinking when I was new and I used to listen to the old timers talk about what a good life they have.

I remember I used to just think, oh, shut up.

Because I didn't think I could ever get, you know, I didn't think I, it seemed like the mountain that I had to climb to get from where I was to where the people were that they were talking about just seemed impossible.

But, you know, slowly over time, and if I'm willing to take care of my number one problem, which is my alcoholism and my inability to stay sober, if I'm willing to take care of that first, everything else seemed to fall in line.

It took, it took years.

It took a lot of time.

You know, nothing.

This program, or at least for me, happened quickly.

But it does happen.

You know, and those, those promises came true.

And, you know, you know, today I have, I have a faith.

I have an understanding.

I got a spiritual advisor.

I got a sponsor.

He's funny.

I got, you know, so they talk about, you know, you read about pride and humility a lot, right?

Pride, I understand what pride is.

For anyone that doesn't, I looked it up in Webster's Dictionary.

There's 14 uses of the word pride.

And the first one is an overinflated opinion of oneself.

So I get that.

I understand what pride is.

But humility, what is, what does a self-centered person know about humility?

So I got, years ago, I got my hands on everything I could find on humility.

And I read all this stuff and I found out that it's possible to become too humble.

And I called my sponsor up and I said, Bob, did you know it's possible to become too humble?

He goes, that's not something you're going to have to worry about.

And I don't, I don't know, you know, I could keep going on and on and on.

I would just like to encourage you.

If you're new, don't stop.

You know, there are times when I just said, oh, screw it.

I didn't want to be here.

But I went anywhere because I had nowhere else to go.

And eventually, eventually it clicked.

You know, they said, they told me there's only two times you should go to a meeting.

When you feel like going and when you don't feel like going.

So go to a meeting all the time.

It's basically what I found.

And then when I got there, do something for it.

And do it consistently.

You know, and I'm just, like I said, I'm still doing the same thing that I was doing 34 years ago.

Because it works.

It works.

And I got a great life as a result.

Thank you.

Thanks for having me.

Thank you.