From Discomfort to Sobriety: Janice's Journey

Double distance, I'll take another one.

I'm super excited to meet Oscar Day-Lorenton Brown.

He's so cute.

He's so cute.

And Diane.

And Stacey.

And Stacey has seven days.

And Stacey has seven days.

And then Monica.

And then Monica.

I want to welcome you if you've been around when you're here.

I want to welcome you if you've been around when you're here.

Oh, let me tell you my sobriety date.

My sobriety date is May 11, 1997.

So I'm 21 years, 5 months, and 2 days.

So I'm 21 years, 5 months, and 2 days.

Because of Everyday Channel.

It's a Pacific group down at Beyonder.

Oh, wait, let me thank Scott, the host with the moat.

Oh, wait, let me thank Scott, the host with the moat.

Thank you, Scott.

And my sponsor, Pat Doe.

And my sponsor, Pat Doe.

If you might know Pat Doe, she's got a whole bunch of variety.

She is the most amazing woman in my life.

She's my voice.

She's in my head.

You know, the bar is high.

And I'm grateful.

Thank you for my water foot.

I'm from Florence, California.

I'm the middle misfit of three.

I will tell you that if you're new here,

or if you're back,

you have come back.

I came back many times.

This is not my first sobriety.

I don't know, but I know a lot of people that got so rid of their first sobriety.

It's not my story.

You know, my second sobriety, my third sobriety,

my whatever.

You know what, everything I'm talking about are my God shots

to get me where I am today.

You know what, no matter how good, bad, or ugly,

or indifferent, or horrific they were,

I'm so grateful for all of them.

I don't want to change any of them.

Now, in the moment, some of them are happening.

I don't know what I would have told you that.

But, here's my story.

So, I'm from Florence, California.

I'm the middle misfit of three.

I was a chunky kid.

I had a younger sister, older brother, mom, dad, small family.

We're, you know, Catholic, Irish,

Catholic, whatever.

But Irish and Italian, for sure.

And, you know, I was a chunky kid.

I really related to everything Nate and Diane were talking about.

I was really uncomfortable in my skin when I was young.

I was a chunky kid.

I cared what you thought about me

at the age of two.

And I really remember that.

I remember, like, I cared so much.

I remember in kindergarten,

my mom cut my hair, and they were calling me

James instead of Janice.

Well, I carried that resentment until I got sober.

You know, I remember that.

I mean, my parents, they followed the rules.

They fought a lot.

Does that make me not follow the rules?

They fought a lot.

They drank. As they drank, they got along better.

You know, there was a lot of pots and pans

and things lying around the house.

And I remember, like, you know,

I remember I used to think...

I remember from the very beginning of my life,

so self-absorbed and self-centered

and self-seeking.

Everything revolved around what I thought.

It's alcoholism.

People remember that before I picked up a drink.

My first little chemical from the neck up

was food. I don't know about you,

but I started overeating at a very young age.

I was a fat little kid.

I hate to use that word, but I look.

They put me on dexedrine at the age of nine

because she worked for doctors,

and I liked it.

The effect it produced from the neck up.

It's a speed, right?

So I was sitting in a house.

Now, you know what I mean?

It's natural. I don't need any medicine.

And, you know, whatever was happening,

we would go to the hall.

We would go to the white ticket fence.

We would go and all that.

And then I was just done going on.

My mom would say, you know, go out in the world

and feel the way.

You know what? It's fine.

I became a serious people-poser.

I felt uncomfortable in my skin,

but yet I was accepted, friends, popular,

all that stuff, because you know what?

If you didn't like me, I'd go over and ask you why,

and I'd find out, and then I'd change for you.

And, you know,

I remember my first little sippy-poo.

I was very young.

I had beer with a little bit of salt in it

because we were Italian.

I had a little bit of cold duck.

I had sangria,

and I had a little bit of Olympia beer,

and I had a little bit,

you know, my dad would let me take a little sippy-sip,

you know, and Lancer's wine.

Does anybody remember any of these?

And, um,

and then there was Boone's farm tickle cake.

Like, that stuff.

So, you know, I remember my family,

and I love my family.

My parents let us drink a little bit at the house,

you know, and my mom was very liberal.

And I, you know, I, like, became a little woman

at the age of nine.

So I started learning about the world

when I was really young, right?

I was nine.

So I'm, like, developing, and the kids are making fun of me,

and, you know, I was uncomfortable in my skin.

And, uh, I'll tell you,

I remember when I first started drinking,

and not really, like, my first kind of brownout,

but I'll just remember,

I was having, like, three or four beers,

and some Boone's farm,

Boone's farm tickle cake, you know,

that uncomfortability.

You are lucky to be with me.

My perception changed right away.

You know what? I'm all that and a bag of chips,

and you are lucky to be with me.

I'm an alcoholic, because alcohol

changes my perception.

That started happening very early for me.

Now, I wasn't drinking every day at the age of 13 or 14,

but I remember when I picked up a drink,

through my early years of drinking,

I was drinking more than the kids I was with.

You know, I was just drinking, like,

six or seven drinks, and everybody else

was on their first or second one,

and I thought, I can handle my alcohol.

I'm a heavy duty alcoholic drinker.

I can handle it.

Now, you know,

from the beginning,

I was drinking alcohol,

but I thought not to be an alcoholic.

So, high school, you know,

I'm the girl that,

I start doing the teeter-totter with,

you know, the diet pills,

and then losing a thousand pounds

twenty times, a million times, you know.

That's very much part of my ism,

you know, I'm not going to go into this,

but when you have severe eating disorders,

you become that liar,

and that cheater, and that manipulator,

and that stealer.

Get that, and then by the time I picked up the drink,

it was on.

I'm the liar, the cheat, the thief,

and a ho-ho-ho, and nothing will be the same.

And then, you know,

soon I'm escalating to

high school.

High school graduation for me,

and I like to drink,

and I don't like food getting in the way,

I don't know about you guys,

but I just like the effect produced by alcohol.

So let's drink.

I blacked out in my high school graduation.

My parents had a party for me.

Oops, I forgot to show up.

You know, that's like 17 years old, right?

17 years old.

I mean, a major disappointment to folks.

But I remember it all from, like,

I just stopped drinking Lambert,

and I went to bars.

I wanted to go early.

I got a job right away out of high school,

and I just wanted to get in the bars.

And I remember in Fort Cliff, like, this rain tree.

I just see the rain tree.

Every time I say that,

do I remember you?

I'm like, did we sleep together?

Who's kidding?

Who needs the ice?

Who needs the brown ice?

Who needs the glass?

So, you know,

I just remember how much I was drinking,

and I couldn't.

I'm in the bar, and I'm drinking, and I have two drinks in front of me,

and I can't wait for the bartender to come to me and, like,

order another one, you know?

It's just like that was happening very early.

So anyways, I'm, you know, started doing other things

that allow me to drink more, you know?

And that's just all of the world for me.

You know, to us.

I don't need to drink more, but

when I find my other party favors,

I can drink more.

I think I started going home with people, you know?

Last call means find somebody.

That was like 20, you know,

I'm in my, like, 19, 20, 21,

and, you know, I got my first gut shot.

Big gut shot. Big gut shot, because I got my first drunk

driving, and here, let me

paint the picture. This is how I drank.

So, I fall out of my car. I'm about a block

away from my house. I fall out of my

little car, and it's a female

officer and a male officer.

Proceed to tell the female officer that she is a

lesbian, and she is going to rape me.

That doesn't go over very well.

And then I have

the male officer

call it.

Now, it is

.30. It is very

accurate. So, back in those days, it was

.10. It was .30.

And I remember, I think

I was called in when I was

56 years old. So, this has been going on

for a while. And I remember what they

said. They said, honey, you are

probably not here by mistake, and if you don't

pay attention, we guarantee you'll be back.

And I'm like, so I remember

my first AA meeting. I'm in the back.

I'm not relating to you. I'm hearing the differences.

I'm hearing the differences, not

similarity. Although, I knew something

intuitively not right. And I

fulfilled those obligations. And I remember

you know, I would go to

AA, and I would just feel so

sorry for you. But I remember when I was in an

AA meeting, I was salivating for a drink.

You all were talking about drinking.

So, I'm 21. You know

what? I spent until I'm

35 trying to get here to stay here.

From 21 to 35. And so,

I'm forever grateful.

I'm forever grateful for every single

solitary mistake. Every single

solitary demoralizing experience

because I've had several of them.

I'm

so grateful for every time

I took back my will and I drink.

I mean, because let me just tell you how this goes.

21, I'm living like this.

Okay. So, I'll do anything for

attention. You know, I, all my friends were

getting married in my early 20s. And you know,

I wasn't. Nobody was really

wanting to marry me. So, at weddings, I just

get surprised, get all the attention

and really want to stay here.

I don't need a blackout drink.

You know, I'm a great man at weddings.

Short dress.

You know, and these are the kinds of things I do

always.

You know, but I'm drinking. So, I don't remember.

So, you know,

right?

I cannot tell you that I went,

I have this drink for you and everybody else.

But you do.

So, I'm in my 20s. Life is going on.

I'm a secretary by trade.

You know, and I'm

also the kind of girl that has maybe a boyfriend

over here that would be good

for this. Maybe money.

And there might be a boyfriend over here that might

be good for me for something over here.

And then there might be one. So, monogamy wasn't really

my thing. I got another drunk driving

at the age of 24.

And that's that second view.

Another super God shot for me.

You know? Big God shot.

Oh, and I've seen a therapist, but I'm lying to her.

I don't know what it is about that. It doesn't work very well

when you're seeing a therapist and you're lying.

I always lie about how much I drink, too.

Because, like, I'm drinking straight vodka

in my early 20s already.

And I always say, well, I'm three beers.

Like, every time I get arrested,

I have three beers off for a bottle

or two or three of vodka.

But I remember my second view.

My disease and her disease

is progressive. So, you know,

my second view, I'm always right around

the corner from my house in one of my dive bars.

Because, you know, I went to really nice

bars until I couldn't get into really nice

bars anymore. Because I just do things that are

so unacceptable to the human race.

And so,

and I like dive bars.

I like to go down, you know,

near little brothers.

I get all dressed up, you know, when I go into

dive bars. I feel like you fell

on the ball. But, you know, like,

that second view, I hit and ran.

I mean, no, I didn't hit and run that one.

The third one was hit and run.

But the second one, I hit, like,

guys start calling me.

You know, they were in

my wake.

I'm going

so fast.

I hit all these cars and then I

towed my car in this huge

pool truck. But honestly, I was

going so fast, I would hit going, you know,

I was going, like, to a wall.

And my little car was behind the little car,

you know. And you know what? God,

God got me. I mean, I'm

so grateful I never hurt anybody

because I had three DUIs and I used to

drink all the time. I used

to drink and drive all the time. Anybody else?

Drink and drive, drink

and drive, drink and drive,

drink and drive, drink and walk,

drink and get on the bike, drink and get on the bus.

I lost my license so many

times. I get on the bus, but I

got a big old bottle of vodka in my purse.

From one stop to the next, I'm

in a blackout. Pretty soon, the bus

driver stops and the cops are

picking me up and taking me to jail.

I mean, I black out. I go crazy places.

It happens over and over again.

You know, and I end up in places with people

that I should not be with, you know. And for

goodness sakes, who are you and what did we

do?

You know, aspiring to be a stripper.

That was my big goal in life at the time.

I couldn't even get a job doing that.

I know.

Girls knew, you know,

when you're a prostitute, I mean, like, I should have got paid

for it. I would have been a millionaire.

I need to laugh so hard

on y'all.

So, I'm in my twenties, and I get that

second DUI. You know,

again, once again, the cops pull me

over. All these people are coming out.

What damage I did to them.

And I thought, oh, poor me. I just

totaled my car. Poor little me.

And I still was damaged. Of course, I didn't

need to take them to take me

to the hospital. And, you know,

it's a .31, so I

like to drink. And I went into,

you know, I had to go to,

oh my gosh, it was like 36

Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I thought, how could

I ever do that?

And that's the drunk driving. And you know,

that's not what they made me sign

this contract that I wouldn't drink. And you know what?

I won't drink. I won't drink. But you know what?

I couldn't not drink. Couldn't. I'm a liar.

I'm like, yeah, I'm in my classes going,

yeah, I'm sober. You know.

I was really, really,

really

I was really, I was depressed.

I'm the one in the family that's always coming

home with the chaos

and the ruined cars. And

I didn't really know what

alcoholic meant. I just knew

I didn't want to be that. You know?

And we have alcoholics in our family.

I have, you know, I have a friend and uncle

that was an alcoholic. And I never

wanted to be like him. But honestly, I lived

my life just like he was. You know, I do

crazy things. And I drank like

him. And so I remember

you know, you're the smartest people I

know. We're hard workers. I'm a hard

worker. And you know, when I couldn't show up

for that job and I was starting to

just, I had to drink.

You know, I got in my first, my

first rehab. And I like to talk about

this because I've been to a few. But

I was about 26 and a half,

27 years old. And this is

where I got into Delamo Hospital

in Torrance. And this was a

sobriety that lasted for three and a half years.

I love to talk about this. I'm sure you all

can relate if you've been around long enough

or maybe you had this experience and you also

went out. Dry time. You know? Dry time.

Where I'm sober, but these

beautiful steps and these beautiful traditions

are good for you, but you don't really need

to do them. And I want to paint

a picture of how I lived my life like that

when I'm sober. But not emotionally

sober. And I don't have a God because

it's me. And I don't have the steps. And I

don't have you. And I don't live by these

traditions. So I got sober. And I'll tell you

everybody's happy when

I'm not drinking. Physical sobriety for

me, my whole family's happy.

The community is safer.

It's really two mixed things. Life

alcoholic, choc-holic, man-holic,

you know, whatever. A-holic.

But that's how it goes. Three and a half

years, I'm sober. And

you know, that first year I worked

programs. You know, I was in Delamo Hospital

and, you know, we were just like

you were talking about, we went through steps

and, you know, we had groups

and we went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

You know, the key is we go to Alcoholics Anonymous

meetings. The key in any rehab that I've

ever been in is that you go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

But here's how my life goes. So

my first little joggy poo was

I was an office manager.

And this is where I met my brother-in-law.

I introduced my brother-in-law

to my sister because she's so adorable

and he's so adorable. And I introduced them. But here's

how it goes. So I'm the office manager

and I do not have a sponsor.

And I kind of go to meetings. And I'm kind of

and I'm really sober. But I'm

not emotionally sober. I'm not looking at any steps.

It would have been the rehab.

I don't have a sponsor because they tell me what to do

and I just really don't need that.

And, you know what, I

God is

somewhere there, but really I'm in control.

So I had two

I had two drunk drivings and I

broke the law by getting a speeding ticket

and I forgot to show up in court.

Because I'm not really responsible

or accountable to anything that I'm doing, right?

I'm not talking to a sponsor. I'm not telling

anybody because I'm so ashamed.

And so, they come to my

office and there are two officers

and they go, now I'm the office manager

don't you know, in the big building. And they

arrested me and took me away.

Now, when they took me away

and I'm sober, by the way

and I had like a year and a half of sobriety

or a year and something.

Took me to jail. Now I'm sober in jail.

And, oops, I forget. I'm also

in charge of the petty cash quarter.

Now I am entitled to borrow when I

need it. However, I borrowed it all.

So, when I was in jail

I was like, holy poo.

I came back to my little office job

and my brother-in-law, who was a bigwig there

all fantasized over me.

But I'm sober. I'm sober.

Life continues to go on like this.

What else did I do in that?

In another job.

I'm working in aerospace now.

I'm working at Rockwell International.

I did this great job as

executive secretary.

But now what I'm doing is

I'm having an affair with my boss.

Actually, he's not married.

He has a girlfriend and another girlfriend.

One at home and one in the office and me.

This is how I live when I'm sober.

I don't have a sponsor.

I don't have you.

And I don't have a God.

And, of course, I hate my life.

But I'm fine. Of course I'm gonna drink.

Three and a half years.

And so I love that y'all told me that it would be worse

when I picked up a drink and I went,

nah, maybe for you.

So I picked up that drink three and a half years later

and

I'll never forget it.

And you know, in a matter of a couple of days

I very quickly got another drunk driving.

It was a hit and run.

Very quickly. Very, very quickly.

That job that I was on at Rockwell

I was, you know, like I told you guys,

hard worker.

I'm really doing well on this job

and I'm dry so I'm not spiritually connected.

But you know what? I'm a people pleaser

so I know how to do that.

My pull is so big.

I never want to forget that pull.

What was lacking was God,

fellowship, steps, principles,

tradition, you know, friends,

relationships, you know, relationships.

Because then I'm also having that affair

that I was also having another one.

It's like I just live drunk but I'm sober.

Painful, painful, painful, painful.

And then the delusion of

I forgot how bad it got.

It takes what it takes to be able to be here

and to want to be here, you know?

When I was a corporate I just thought,

I don't know if this is like forever for me.

Really, I think I'm just going to be okay.

For a little bit.

I can drink like a lady.

Well, I think I'm a pig, I'm telling you.

From 91 to 97

when I get sober.

I have to shut up in 10 minutes, right?

15 minutes? Okay, thank you.

When I picked up that drink

in 91 to 97

it got bad.

It was already not good and it got...

Oh, I forgot to tell you too.

I remember one time,

this is the kind of girl I am too.

I think you kind of get how I drink.

You know, I wake up pregnant

not sure how that happens.

I never want to forget.

I don't have children

but I have babies and AA.

So you know the story.

I never want to forget the incomprehensible demoralization

that I lived over and over and over

and over and over again.

It's the first drink that gets me hurt.

So,

in 91, I had been on this job

for like three and a half years

and I'm like the only employee of the year

and I pick up a drink again.

The top security in the government

is writing me up.

Now, I forgot to tell you what I'm doing.

This is so incomprehensible demoralizing

but I'm stealing the government desks

and money and food.

I like to steal food.

I like to steal food in everybody's refrigerators

and one day I'm at my desk.

Now, I'm drinking on the job at this point.

I was with the government

for eight years. Three and a half years.

I was sober. Four, I was sober.

And three and a half, I wasn't.

It's just like night and day.

Oh my God, here she comes.

Because I'm a great worker.

I'm a great worker like you all are.

I'm a great worker.

That job tried to get me sober like three times.

EAP program.

I went to another program over here

and another program over here.

Three months here, six months here, nine months there.

I'm so grateful that I have had all of these

doing it Janice's way

and knocked to the bottom of the bottom of the bottom.

I'm so grateful because I'll never forget.

I'll never forget.

And it took what it took.

In 95, oh wait.

Let me tell you about my desk.

Once I'm in here and I'm eating a sandwich at my desk.

You know what?

I drink until 3 o'clock in the morning

and then I wake up at 6 o'clock and I'm still lit.

I'm lit.

I had like two big bottles of vodka.

All I need to do is drink a little bit of water

and I'm lit again.

That's how I go to work.

You know, I stole somebody's sandwich.

Ronald stole your sandwich.

Everybody knows I steal food.

I'm the only one that things don't know.

I'm the only one.

I steal food.

I eat it at my desk.

That's probably going to throw it up too

because you're not a barber-scarfer.

But anyway.

That's a whole other program.

But seriously, you come up to my desk

and you're like,

Yes I do. Could you make another one tomorrow?

I'm like, sure.

Everybody knows.

They let me go.

Because the ombudsman was writing about me.

You don't want that in government.

So, 1995.

I'm going to get sober now.

1995 to 1997.

Well, nope, I'm not sober.

I drank like a fish.

Around the clock, pop-up vodka.

Morning to day, I lost that job.

My dad was diagnosed with horrific cancer.

1995 to 1997, I did not drop.

My last drink lasted for two years.

I didn't drop sober.

Not one day. Not one minute.

I was drunk the whole time.

You know what?

Those things that aren't really supposed to be happening to women

are happening to you all the time.

I will sell my soul to the devil

to get a drink.

I have pizza delivery boys coming to my house.

I don't have any money, but

I'm still getting pizza.

You know, they call me,

Hey, how about a pizza?

I always knew that I never needed everything.

I always knew.

I always knew I'd take my will back.

I always knew.

It was so hard for me.

So much work.

In May 11, 1997, I got into the house of hope.

I didn't really have any friends.

Because you know what?

If you knew where I'd been, you couldn't tell me where to go.

I didn't really want to have anything.

I hated myself.

I hated myself so much.

All the names in the book that I don't say from the podium,

I would just answer them.

I never want to forget.

I got in the house of hope.

And I lived there.

And I remember, by this time,

my family, oh my gosh.

My poor family.

My dad is dying of cancer.

And that didn't even get me sober.

He's like, kid, my cancer's not killing me.

You are.

It didn't even get me sober.

Honey, baffling, powerful.

But what happened for me is, in May 11, 1997,

I got into the house of hope.

And I started this journey.

And I'm really grateful that May 11, 1997 is my sobriety day.

And I want to keep it.

I love my sobriety day.

I want to keep it.

If you're new, Stacey and Will, Catherine,

I love my sobriety day.

You can keep it.

You can.

Absolutely.

And so, what happened for me is,

I'm so grateful for the house of hope.

And I'm so grateful for the women that have sponsored me.

From the beginning to today.

And I will tell you,

the one thing I didn't like about sponsorship

is they told me what to do.

And that's exactly what this alcoholic means.

And what happened for me is,

God had a way for me that I needed to get off the street

to be with women.

And then have a sponsor that was part of the Pacific group.

And Molly would pick me up from San Pedro

and bring me down to the west side.

Now, I love Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

I love club meetings.

I love to go and hang out with the guys.

What I found for this alcoholic

was that the women stick with the women

and the men stick with the men.

And I'm like,

you should stay with the men for a year.

I'm like, sure.

She goes, yeah, they don't want anything to do with you.

I'm like, you sure?

She's absolutely right.

You know what?

I got into the Pacific group my first year.

I didn't turn myself in until I had a year and a half sobriety

because they were a little too serious.

But I will tell you,

these are some of the highlights

that have held me in really good stead,

was that the women stick with the women

and the men stick with the men.

And that's what I need.

And the women gave me their numbers.

And I called them and they called me back.

That probably was happening in other areas in my life in AA,

but I just never gave it a shot.

And this is like,

for any Alcoholics Anonymous meeting,

this is just as profound for this alcoholic.

We don't chant when we read.

And this alcoholic needed to hear what was being read.

I needed to shut off,

because I want to chill.

I want to tell you, I want to say all those things.

And I needed to shut up and listen

to the language of the heart

and the literature that has

that saves our lives.

Because I've read it over and over again and never picked.

I never lived it.

I can talk it, but I can't walk it.

And talking it and not walking it, boy, it's painful.

It's really painful. I've done it. I know.

I'm so forever grateful that I know the difference today.

I have to shut up in two minutes? Five minutes?

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, because the lights aren't on yet. Thank you.

The House of Hope was not easy.

And I'm so grateful that it wasn't.

The journey has been one day at a time.

And I'm so grateful to tell you that I've worked for it.

It didn't come to me. Nothing came easy.

I'm so grateful.

The House of Hope, we had to learn how to clean.

And if it wasn't clean enough,

we had to do it again. Five minutes.

And you know what I want to say, right?

You know what I want to say.

I didn't know the Pacific group

what they were until I got there.

I just remember these things like this.

You know, the chanting.

I started learning how to listen

to our literature.

That's why I thank you for reading.

Because it saved my life.

And then, you know, what happened for me,

my first year of sobriety,

I was not picture-perfect poster child

of AA once again.

My sponsor said, don't get in a relationship.

And I said, okay. Okay, I won't.

You know.

And my dad is severely ill.

I'm so forever grateful.

I love my dad.

We got to be with my dad.

Let me just paint a picture.

I wasn't allowed to be in my parents' house.

But sober, I was.

I got to be with my dad when he was really sick.

And he saw me sober.

And I got to promise him.

I got to promise him. I got to promise my dad.

Dad, they said I have to do it for me this time

through my backup plan.

No matter why you come to AA, when you come to AA,

until it turns out to be what it is.

I can't tell you how many times I came for dad.

And my sponsor, you know, I lied to her.

And you know what?

And I got in so much pain.

Finally I learned that lying in sobriety

and doing things behind my sponsor's back was not cool.

And she fired me.

And you know, then I lost my dad.

And then I made a commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I made a commitment, went down and turned myself into that home group.

Turned myself into the Pacific group.

And you know what?

The Pacific group is awesome.

It is structured.

I am an unstructured person by nature.

I don't want to do things. I want to do what I want to do.

I want to do what you want me to do.

And you know what?

I had to learn how to do what someone else wanted me to do

in order to change my perception of my actions.

So again, it's a program of action.

It's not a program of action.

It's a program of action.

So I started going to all the meetings.

I got a sponsor.

I started going to six meetings a week.

I got commitments at all those meetings.

Commitments is a little job before the meeting.

And that's where I started learning how to have friends.

Hey Brittany, how are you doing tonight?

Let me say and let me shut up.

Let me remember one thing you tell me.

My brain is really on.

What do you think of me? What do you think of me?

Are you thinking about me right now?

What are you thinking about me?

Let me talk about it.

And I started learning that really early.

And then take the actions the feelings will follow.

What does that mean?

What does it mean?

You know, I better sit around and think about it.

When feelings will follow.

My sponsor would say, I don't know when the feelings are going to make you feel better.

Do it anyway.

And calling a sponsor every day at the same time.

Such a tall order.

And then I couldn't wait to do it.

I get to the meeting early and I couldn't.

You know, I'm like, oh my God.

And then I get there and I have a meeting before the meeting.

And that's where my perception started to change.

And my life started to change because I started doing these things at my job.

And then my job started to get better.

Because you taught me how to suit up and showed up.

And that's better than I feel.

Like, this is a really good one.

Better than I feel until I feel better about the way I act.

So.

It's a really tough day, Oscar.

Oh my gosh.

You know, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.

Ben, oh my gosh, my day's been so hard.

Oh Nate, my day's been so hard.

Oh God, Karen, my day's been so hard.

Let me just walk around the whole room and tell you about how bad my day is.

No.

Tell my sponsor, tell a friend, and then go be of service to you.

Act better than I feel until I feel better about the way I act.

Pretty soon I like the way I act.

Then I like Janet.

What a concept.

Like brilliant stuff.

You know, and it's so simple.

One minute.

One minute.

One minute.

All of the steps.

And the steps.

And seeing my part.

I'm a part of all of it.

Yeah, I'm a part of all of it.

A couple things I wasn't a part of.

But most of it was all part of it.

You know, and then amends.

Amends.

John's above.

Okay, I have to tell you.

I love you so much more.

And I'm so sorry I got stuck in my drunk.

But I'm taking care of my 88-year-old mother who kicked me out of my house so many times.

Who hated me.

And who loves me today because she relies on me.

I take care of her.

Because you taught me how to be a good daughter, sister, aunt, wife, friend, Alcoholics Anonymous member, child of God, sister, aunt.

Those are big roles.

I didn't get to do 21 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago.

And I am an employee among employees.

I mean, I run a business.

But it doesn't matter that I run a business.

Because I'm just a worker.

You taught me how to do all that.

I love you.

I can't wait to be here with all of you one more day every day.

Thank you for having me.