Finding Sobriety Through Fellowship and Service

I was taught that that's what you say. And today I really mean it. I want to thank the girls for coming with me. It's always fun to ride with them. You know, they're all fairly new and kind of crazy. And, you know, they just keep me entertained.

And so I have a sobriety date, which is August 9th, 1996. I have a home group, and that's the Belfer Medical Group, and I have a sponsor. And, you know, those three things are really important to me, and they're important to my sobriety. If I didn't have a sobriety date, or didn't keep track of it, I wouldn't be sober, or it would just be another day for me. And that's the most important day for me, you know, in my life. It's the day I got sober, because it really just helped me find a different way to live.

And if I didn't have a home group, I wouldn't have a group of people that have taught me how to behave in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, my home group is a very active home group. And, you know, they really just have taught me how to live in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, how to get a commitment and keep a commitment. And if I can't show up, I call somebody to let them know or ask them to cover it. You know, how to sit through the meeting without chit-chatting and being disruptive to my neighbor who may need to hear a message to save their lives. You know, to get up and get coffee during the evening.

You know, to wear a dress or a skirt if I come to share. You know, because it talks about, people say, well, it doesn't say that in the big book. You know, you have to dress up. And it talks about, you know, Bill, he says that when Evie came to visit him, his whole department shouted of a man with a real answer. And that means everything about him, the way he looked on the outside and the way he was on the inside. And so, yes, absolutely. We have to wear sobriety. And so my home group has taught me that.

They've taught me how to show up for one another. You know, going to support people if they have a watch, you know, when they're going to turn one. And if there's a birthday party, a potluck, you know, quarterly we have potlucks. And, you know, it's on a Sunday, you know, at 12 o'clock. And I don't want to show up at 4 o'clock on a Sunday to, you know, celebrate birthdays from, you know, 1 to 5. I don't want to do that. But they have taught me to show up. You know, we have a quarterly breakfast that we have an out-of-town speaker that comes in.

And I don't want to show up to that.

And, you know, if somebody is going to speak, we go and support them. I don't want to do that either. You know, and I never wanted to do anything for anybody except myself. But I didn't know as a newcomer that those things were going to help me to stay sober, that they were going to change my life. And in my home group, we just say, just come. Let's go. Show up. Get in the car. Be quiet. And that's kind of what I do with people. You know, it's just like, come on, let's go. I don't feel like going. Neither do I. Let's go. You know, I don't want to do anything either. We're in the same boat, but we just show up.

And so my home group has taught me that. And I got a sponsor. And when I was newly sober, I went through a recovery home. And they told me, you have to get a sponsor. And I got a sponsor in May, hopefully. I didn't utilize the sponsor. The sponsor would call me and say, hey, I'm going to meetings. I want to come and read the big book with you. And I just, I wasn't interested. I just, I knew I had to have a sponsor to be in that recovery home. That was it.

And, you know, when I was seven months sober, my life, it came to a point where I was going to bars and seeing my old friends.

And I just wasn't happy. I mean, I knew something wasn't working, but I didn't know what it was. And it was a point in my sobriety where I made, I had to make a decision. And I didn't know I was making a decision. I had no idea. But I started coming to AA and working with my sponsor. And so for me, that was really important. And so what happened is, you know, I started utilizing the sponsor. And I called the sponsor. We started going through the steps.

And I got to a point where I believed what my sponsor would tell me and that I had to be honest when I called her. And, you know, I had to share with her my life. And I heard some people say, well, you know, my sponsor just helps me with my sobriety. My sponsors have always helped me with everything in my life, with my finances, with romance, with school, everything.

Because, you know, everything that I do, I never make any good decisions about anything. And so my sponsors have to help me. And my current sponsor knows everything about me. You know, I have one sponsor, she would say, you know, her sponsor knows everything about her warts and all. And, you know, that's what I feel about my sponsor, warts and all, the good, the bad, and the ugly, you know. And so I've had that gift from early on to be honest with the sponsor. Not always immediately, but eventually, you know, I've always had that.

And so, you know, my sponsors,

have really played a key role in my sobriety.

And, you know, I've been really fortunate.

So I just have to share in a general way

what I used to provide, what happened, and what I'm like today.

You know, I grew up in a household.

My dad was a heroin addict, and my mom was,

she was a drunk like me. And I can't call her

an alcoholic, because she doesn't say she's an alcoholic.

But she drank a lot like I drank.

And I think my mom set me up to be

a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I say that because

when she was pregnant with me,

she went to jail with me.

And so she just set me up to be a convict, is what she did.

What happened was, you know, my dad was a, he was a salesman.

He sold some heroin.

And he was a recreational hero, recreational hero, you know.

And so he sold heroin.

So they, so she went to jail.

And so I didn't really know my dad until I was about five years old.

We'd go visit him, but I don't really know him.

And so, you know, when he got out of jail, I had a resentment towards him.

You're not going to come home and tell me what to do.

I don't even know you.

And I was used to, you know, having my mom and my sister and me.

And so when he comes into the picture, I was just resentful at him.

And him and I never had a really good relationship.

But, you know, I was okay with that.

And so I was resentful at him.

And I remember we moved to Long Beach and I went to school.

I remember going to school.

And I remember the first day of school, I knew I didn't fit in with those kids.

You know, they kind of seemed to know how to interact with one another.

They had the handbook, the rule book of life.

I never got it.

And I think because, you know, I come from a big family.

There's like a home and some cousins.

So maybe they got it, but I didn't get it.

I missed out that day.

You know, my dad had 16 brothers and sisters.

So there was 17 of them.

And, you know, it's just a big family.

I love that side of the family.

My dad's Mexican.

My mom's German.

So I'm a wiener schnitzel.

So, you know, I was never Mexican.

I love my dad's side.

You know, I'm sure.

I don't know today because my uncle just passed away, but I'm sure they're partying.

Yeah, they're partying for sure.

So they're drinking today.

You know, they have a party for everything.

You know, if somebody is going to go to jail, they're going to drink before they go.

If somebody's getting out of jail, they're going to drink when they get out.

Somebody's going to have a baby.

You know, whatever it is, there's always an occasion for the party.

Always.

And I love that.

I love the excitement.

You know, I love the way, you know, when the party starts.

You know, I normally.

So it's probably a two.

Nobody shows up till about five.

That's what we are.

We're on Mexican time.

And, you know, they show up late.

But everybody that comes in, they have a case of beer or a bottle of something.

You know, there's food and there's music and the music's kind of low.

And, you know, people are eating and then the drinking starts and then the music gets louder.

And, you know, it's just more drinking and then there's fighting and then there's crying and then there's more food.

And I love the whole dramatics around it.

I like to watch it.

I don't like to be in the middle.

I just like to watch it.

And that's kind of the way I am in Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know, I come to AA and I'm a part of, but I'm not too much of a part of.

I kind of watch people.

I still, I'm a people watcher.

I watch your action.

I hear what you say, but I watch what you do more than anything.

And so, you know, that's the way I grew up.

And, you know, there's all these kids running around.

And, you know, they don't bring us really anything to drink because everybody's drinking beer.

And so we're drinking water.

We're going to the yard.

You know, playing a little.

You know, just running in the neighborhood.

And, you know, I just, I like that.

I like the way, you know, that side of the family was.

You know, my mom's side of the family was my grandmother.

And my mom had some siblings, but just two.

And, you know, not really any kids.

And so, you know, my grandmother, I'd stay with her.

And she liked to play Yahtzee.

And I hate Yahtzee.

And she would make cornbread.

And I hate cornbread.

So I hated being on that side.

And so, you know, that's the way I grew up.

And I grew up, you know, my family, there were a lot of gang members.

Just a couple weeks ago, they were at my grandmother's house.

And, you know, just gang violence and stuff like that.

And I was never really a part of that.

You know, that's basically where my grandmother lived.

I wasn't really a part of all that.

But, you know, I felt, like, proud of my family gang members.

And I just thought, oh, that's pretty cool.

You know, they respect it.

I don't think like that today.

But that's the way I felt then.

And so, you know, I grew up with all that violence and stuff like that.

And, you know, I just thought that everybody kind of lived like that.

And, you know, I go to school and these kids aren't living like that.

And so, you know, I just kind of shut down.

And I don't share with them what's going on.

And I don't know how to interact with them.

And so by the time I'm eight years old, my mom's sending me to counseling.

And there's something wrong with me.

I've, you know, pissed off all the time.

You know, it's just always just uneasy.

And, you know, when you grow up in a big family, you know, there's just a lot of things that happen in that family.

Yeah.

You know, psychologically and stuff like that.

And so I was just really upset.

And I couldn't say what was going on.

You know, my dad's still dealing drugs.

And, you know, my mom's a little white lady and just really nice and, you know, codependent.

And, you know, she's sending me to counseling.

And my dad's saying, you don't tell our business to anybody.

And so, you know, there's a conflict going on within me.

It's like, do I stay loyal to my dad or do I tell them what's going on?

And I'm getting loyal, so I'm not going to say anything.

And I just get upset.

And that's just the way I am.

And so I needed a drink really early on.

And I can remember my parents, they had this Jim Beam bottle, right?

And it was empty.

But I remember it was on this little stand and you can tilt it over.

And I remember, like, very early, I was maybe eight, nine years old.

I would turn it around and I can get a little bit of alcohol out of it.

And I remember I loved that taste.

And when I saw him, I'm 12 years old.

I have an older sister and I'm hanging out with them.

And, you know,

I thought it was a good idea to buy me a pack of California wine coolers and that's when wine coolers first came out.

You know, so they bought me a four pack and I'm 12 years old.

I'm about, I don't know, 90, 95 pounds.

I drank the four packs or so, I think.

I don't know.

I'm just going to claim that I drank the four pack.

I don't know.

I blacked out somewhere in there.

And so I remember coming to and it was the middle of July and I'm laying on those wool blankets that you get from TJ and I'm laying on that and it was hot and I can remember that.

And I remember coming to In-N-Out and I came to and I'm lifting up the blanket and I'm bobbing it under the blanket and covering it back up because if you cover it up, it never happens.

I don't know what happened.

And so that was that was the first time that I ever drank to get drunk and I just knew intuitively how to drink, you know, just like drink to get there.

And, you know, there was an invisible line.

I crossed it that day.

You know, there was no social drinking for me.

I'm not a social drinker.

I've never had a glass of wine.

I if I went out tomorrow, I wouldn't have a glass of wine.

That's not the way I drink.

You know, I'm the kind of drinker who I drink Thunderbird, Nitrane, Cisco, Bones Farm, you know, whatever is cheap and whatever is going to get me there quick.

That's the way I like it.

I don't do anything that doesn't give me an effect.

I don't drink decaf coffee because I like the effect of it by coffee.

And and so, you know, that's how I drink.

I drink for that ease and comfort.

And, you know, I fell in love with alcohol.

You know, it tells us in our book that men and women like us drink essentially for the effect produced by alcohol.

And that's why I drink.

You know, if I'm not getting anything out of it, I'm not going to drink.

Why am I going to have a glass of wine?

I don't want a glass of wine.

It's too expensive and it's not going to get me there.

I don't drink beer because I get full unless it's an Old English 800.

That's going to get me there.

I can just add malt liquor.

That's that gets me there.

And when I wasn't a social drinker, I only drank for the effective.

And, you know, at 12 years old, you can't drink every day.

But I drink as often as I can.

I couldn't mostly on the weekends.

And I remember, you know, going to school and I had a friend who was bringing those airplane bottles of alcohol because his dad was a pilot.

And so you bring them to school and I made fast friends with them, you know, like anybody that I can get something from.

I'm on the nubble up to get my friend and my buddy.

You know, I'm always that one.

I see, you know, I can get something from and you're going to be my friend.

We're going to be cool.

And and so, you know, I can't drink every day.

But, you know, I start doing other things and I'm I use other stuff.

And what?

I'm I'm an alcoholic.

I'm an alcoholic.

No matter what.

That's my first job.

I love alcohol.

You know, prior to getting drunk that first time, you know, I'm I'm not funny enough.

I'm not pretty enough.

I'm not tall enough.

You know, nobody likes me.

And that's my perception about my life.

But as soon as I drink, I remember I just felt OK.

Like it didn't matter.

I don't care if you don't like me or, you know, I'm funnier when I'm drinking, you know, happier when I'm drinking.

And that's just kind of the way I look.

And and so I'm drinking mostly on the weekends.

And, you know, by the time I'm 14 years old, my sister is telling me the one who got me drunk for the first time is saying, you know, you drink a lot like what that looked like.

It is my mom.

Like I said, she's codependent, very nice, very kindly.

But you put any alcohol in her system and she's got Dr.

Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, you know, that switch happens for her.

She gets very angry and she calls people and tells them the problem.

You know, my dad treats her bad and all of these things.

And she's the kind of person who she'll get on the phone.

And she passes out.

She'll have the phone on her lap.

But her drink is still upright and it never falls.

She's getting passed out.

Her drink is never going to fall.

And so that's the kind of person I became after two years of drinking.

And, you know, I denied it.

I wasn't going to be like her.

I was never going to be like her.

And so what happened for me is I just kind of stopped drinking with my sisters.

What happened?

You know, I would just drink with my friends and, you know, just do whatever I could to change my head.

You know, I just drink with my friends and, you know, just do whatever I could to change my head.

You know, I just drink with my friends and, you know, just do whatever I could to change my head.

I just needed to change my reality, you know, because there was something definitely wrong with me.

I was definitely missing something my whole life, you know, that hole in my gut.

And I didn't realize, like, I didn't realize for a long time, you know, that that's a spiritual normality.

I have a spiritual thing.

And, you know, alcohol is a spirit.

You know, it's thought about the spirit.

And so I feel my need with that spirit of alcohol.

And, you know, that false spirit.

Because it's temporary.

Because the next day it's gone.

And so that's why I drink for that, for that healing.

And so by the time I'm 16 years old, you know, my friend gave me something.

And I was at high school.

And I took it.

I didn't ask what it was.

I just took it.

And, you know, the next day I come to school.

And I remember just blacking out.

I don't know what I did or what I said or who I talked to.

None of that.

And the next day I come to school.

And, you know, people are asking me, what was wrong with you?

Why were you acting like that?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't even know.

I don't know what I did.

And so my solution for that for embarrassment is, you know, I just kind of go away.

I dropped out of high school.

I convinced my mom to let me drop out of high school.

And she thought that was an okay idea.

And so I did.

And shortly after that, I figured, I started thinking.

And that's what happened for me.

And so the next day I come to school.

And I remember just blacking out.

I don't know what I did or what I said or who I talked to.

None of that.

And the next day I come to school.

And people are asking me, what was wrong with you?

Why were you acting like that?

I don't even know.

is, you know, I just kind of go away. I dropped out of high school. I convinced my mom to let me

drop out of high school, and she thought that was an okay idea, and so I did. Shortly after that,

I figured, well, I started thinking, and that's what happened for me. I started thinking like

that. How am I going to support myself? What am I going to do? Oh my gosh, I'm going to have to

work in a factory my whole life. I'm, you know, I'm this stupid Mexican that just dropped out of

high school. What am I going to do? And so what I did, my thinking is, I was in a wedding. My

husband's getting married, and I was 17 at the time. I just turned 17, and my cousin is getting

married, and I'm at his wedding, and you know, when you're Mexican and you're in a wedding,

you have to drink as soon as you get up, and you know, on the day of the wedding, right? Bring it

up. You're going to the church. You're going to go to take pictures. You're going to just drink

all the way there, right? And so by the time I get to the reception, I'm just drunk, and there's

this guy who is interested in me, and I'm drunk, and he's drunk, and so I'm interested,

and we're hanging out. We're dancing. We're on the dance floor and making out in front of my

family, and I didn't even realize I was doing that, which is embarrassing, but you know, I

remember my aunt coming to me and saying, what are you doing? You're embarrassing yourself,

and the first time I could remember saying, leave me alone. I'm not doing anything to hurt anybody,

and so, you know, this guy, so we were having a good time, and the next day, he wanted to come

and visit me at my aunt's house, and I wasn't interested anymore because I'm not drunk anymore,

so I'm not interested, and you know, he convinced me to let him come over, and he was,

he was really late, like a couple hours, and when he got there, he was drunk, and it's like,

it's, it's okay if I'm drunk, and you're drunk, but if you're drunk, and I'm not, it's not okay,

and so he convinced me to walk outside, and I walked outside, and he threw me on the ground.

He grabbed me by the neck, and he, he acted like he was gonna put me in the face, and me and that

guy got married, and we had a kid, and I'm trying to go into his life, you know. I thought, he loves

me. I didn't love him, but I just thought, oh, this guy really likes me. He's really, like,

you know, because I don't want to talk to him, and that's not it.

But, you know, so we had this kid, and our marriage was very violent. You know, this guy

had been a boxer, and so he was, like, very muscular, and big, and I've always been small,

and, but I wasn't a victim to that life. You know, there was a lot of times that I knew the

first punch at him, because don't you know who I am? You don't want to talk to me like that.

I've just always been kind of feisty. These girls, they call me salty, salty, and, and so I've

always been that way, and, you know, for me, what happened was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was,

you know, really like this with this guy. I really wasn't drinking in the marriage,

and so when I got pregnant, I didn't drink, and, and I wasn't really drinking, but he was drinking,

and so I always went into a problem about him, and what was happening for me is I was

necessarily able to discontent, and I didn't know. I needed to drink bad, and I was just,

I didn't realize, and I'll get right to my death, it was alcoholism. My alcoholism was progressing,

but I wasn't drinking, and the times that I did drink, I always overshot the board,

and I was always drunk, and I was always really under,

comment. And so what happened for me is what made me walk away basically is, you know, I pulled out

a gun on him and I thought, maybe I need to get out of this. Maybe this is not okay. And so I left

and the way I leave, I don't leave like a grown up, a normal person. What I did was when he was

at work, I got my stuff and I put it in the hefty bag and I got my son and we took off. And, you

know, this was in the nineties and, you know, I had a pager and he's calling me, information,

911, it's an emergency. And so hours later I call him back and he's like, you know, where are

you? And I said, I moved out. Like we had been together for four years and I just up and moved

out. And I was like, you know, I'm done with it. You should be done with it. Let's just move on.

And I had no feelings for this guy at all. Like we've been together for four years,

slept in the same bed for all that time. And, you know, just did a lot of stuff together. And

I just had no feelings for him. And I didn't realize like how cold a person that I was

towards this guy. I had no idea. I just,

and I just thought you just need to be over it. I'm over it. And that's just kind of the way I was,

you know, I just, if, if it didn't affect me, I just didn't care. And I didn't realize until

later on, not too long ago, you know, that pretty much happened to me. And I didn't have any

sympathy. I mean, I did, I felt bad when I made moments and stuff like that later in my sobriety

but until that happened to me, I couldn't really actually be there and think of how this guy felt.

And so I understand it today and I just have more sympathy, more sympathy.

And so I leave the marriage and I start going out to bars and I think, you know,

I'm 21 years old. I need to start going out and having fun. I have no job, but that's fine. You

know, I take up my dad's profession and I'm kind of, you know, selling things at the clubs and,

you know, I'm a user of people. So if somebody is going to buy me a drink, that's cool.

You know, if I can use somebody to get what I need, that's cool. I'll do it. And, you know,

there were times like I had just like, I, I didn't have any walls or anything like that. Like if I,

if somebody wanted something,

for me, for me, and I like their pants, I would just say, give me your pants and then I'll trade

you, you know, and I just kind of, that's just the way I was. And, you know, I felt like I had

a little bit of power and, you know, it's just, it's weak power. And so I live like that and I'm

kind of living in my car. I didn't realize it until, you know, many years of sobriety that I

was homeless. You know, I was homeless. I lived in my car. I had a place to go home to. My mom

lived in Long Beach and I could stay with her. I let my son go back to live with his dad because

I can't take him to bars. So I'm going to let his dad take care of him. And that's kind of what I did.

You know, I thought I was protecting him and I just needed a party. I needed to do what I needed to do.

I love the bars. I love the clubs. You know, I love nightclubs. I was always in LA and Hollywood,

you know, just, you know, drinking in the bars. I love the jukeboxes in the little bars,

the little dive bars. And, you know, you know, I just love the smell. I love playing pool. I love

all that cool atmosphere. I like being around a lot of people, you know, just a lot of music and,

you know, that's what I did. And I drank a lot and I got a DUI. It's funny. I was sharing with

Myra. I said, you know, I just started drinking again. And, you know, I was driving from LA and

I had some people in my car and I used to carry a gun. And so my gun was under my leg and I don't

know why I kept it under my leg. I could have shot myself. But when I got pulled over, I handed

the gun to my friend. He's like this little guy and I handed it to him and he started screaming.

He was like, what are you doing?

And I said, you better take it off. And I would have done it too. I just didn't care. And so I

stopped carrying the gun, but I didn't stop drinking and driving. And so that's just kind

of the way, you know, I just kind of, you know, I didn't really have any. And so I lived in my car

and I didn't do laundry or I didn't, you know, brush my teeth ever really. If I went to somebody's

house, if they had toothpaste, I would put some toothpaste on my finger and just brush my teeth

with my finger. I had a pair of Doc Martin boots that I used to always wear. And then

I, you know, I get cold when I'm drinking. And so I wear like, you know, two, three pairs of socks,

whatever I can fit in there. And I wouldn't take them off for days at a time. And so my feet were

pretty ripe, you know, my, it was just really stinky. I was really stinky. I didn't really

bathe regularly. You know, I like when I'm drinking and I don't know why, I don't know why,

but I like to take off my blouse and so I would always end up in my bra. And you know, this bra

that I had, I had one bra and I don't know where I got it from. I got it from somebody. And, uh,

it used to be white and now it's a dingy gray color. And I thought when I'm dancing around in

those bars that I was good. And, um, you know, just like sucked up and, you know, I didn't eat.

I don't eat when I drink. I don't work when I drink, you know, I just drink. I don't do anything

else. And, uh, you know, like I said, I'm frugal. And so I don't go out to eat after, you know,

a lot of people like to go eat after they go to the club or whatever, you know, I stopped at the

taco truck or whatever. And I'm not going to put a taco on my plate. I'm going to put a taco on my

buzz. I'm just not going to do it. I put a lot of money and effort into it. And, and so, you know,

that's just kind of the way I live. And I don't, I don't think that there's anything wrong with it

for a while. And, um, what was happening for me is I knew that there was something definitely wrong.

Um, I didn't know that I was an alcoholic. Um, I didn't realize, you know, what was wrong with me.

I just thought maybe I just, because I didn't grow up with any morals or values is what I thought.

And, um, and that, you know, I was just an alcoholic. And, um, and so what was happening

for me is I started feeling really guilty about leaving my kid. And, um, and so, um, you know,

I just had that guilt and my kid would call me and say, you know, mom, when are you going to come

pick me up? He was by this time, he was like almost six years old. And I would say, you know,

I'm going to be there. I'll be there for your birthday. I can't show up. I just can't show up.

If I'm drinking the night before, I just can't show up. Um, you know, if I, I just feel guilty.

And so I just can't show up. Cause I'm not one, like I went to, I went to jail on this one warrant

that I had. Cause I never showed up to court. Cause I just cannot show up for anything.

In life, anything that's important. And so if I feel bad, I'm not going to show up. And, you know,

I'm trying to spend all this guilt. And I just thought, what's wrong with you? What's wrong with

my life? Why do I live like this? And, um, I thought that I needed to get a car. I needed to

get a job. Um, you know, I needed to get an apartment so I can get my kid back and I was

going to be okay. I thought normal living was the solution to my alcohol. And, um, what happens for

me is that, uh, I went out this one night and I had been talked to about my drinking and, um,

I was in a relationship with my mom. And, um, I was in a relationship with my mom. And I was in a

relationship and, and I was being talked to about my drinking about, I thought we all drank

alike. Right. And I was being talked to about my drinking. There's something definitely wrong with

the way we drink. And I had started blanking out and I didn't realize. And, um, until, um, so that

happened. And then, um, my aunt was asking me to leave. I started to stay on her couch and she

asked me to leave because I wasn't contributing. I was, I was coming home at three, four o'clock

in the morning, knocking on the window, knowing my uncle has to go to work at six o'clock. And

so I'm just disturbing them. And I was never, you know, I never,

I would never contribute. I would never help out. And, um, so she's asking me to leave. And so

one more time, there's something the matter. And, uh, you know, I called my mom and she had been

calling me and telling me that they had been going to AA meetings. And, you know, she told me this

one story that, um, they went to this AA meeting and, you know, the, the person who was at the

podium said, you know, if you want to come up and get a chip, come up and get a chip. And she

thought they were potato chips. And so she was telling me, she's like, I was hungry. So I went

up there and they thought, no, it's a sobriety chip. And so she told me that story. And I

remember laughing about it.

And, uh, it stuck in my mind. And so when, uh, I told my cousin, I said, I'm not going to go out

with you tonight. It was Sunday night. I said, I'm going to go and get a job tomorrow, you know,

so I can get my life together. And he said, you don't have to drink. And I thought, oh, okay.

So we went to this club and, um, we go there and I'm sitting there and it must've been only a few

minutes. I don't know. But he said, well, let's just play you a beer. Cause you know, I think

it's a beer. And, uh, I'm like, all right. And the next thing I know, it's probably about nine

o'clock. The next thing I know it's about two 30, three o'clock in the morning. And I'm down in the

strip hall at this pool hall that was open till four. And I have no blouse on again. And I'm

asking this guy to give me something to wake me up. And I knew him kind of, um, so I'm asking him

to give me something to wake me up. And I thought, how did I get here? Like I wasn't supposed to

drink today. I was supposed to get a job tomorrow. And so I called my mom and she suggested I get

into recovery home. And so I interviewed recovery homes. If they talked about God, I definitely was

not going there. Uh, if you couldn't smoke, I was not going there. And so I called my mom and she

said, you know, if, if they didn't let me outside, I wasn't going to go. And finally, I remember my

mom came to me and she said, if you don't get into a recovery home by tomorrow, you're going to have

to leave. And, um, you know, I told you my mom's very codependent, right? Always taking care of

me. And years later I had told her, I said, you know, I said, you know, I'm so grateful that you

told me that, that if, if I didn't get into this recovery home that I would have to leave. And she

said, I never said that. I never tell you that, but that's what I heard. And I believe for me

that that was my God talking to me through my mom. She didn't even know it. And I just thought

it was her, which helped motivate me to get into a recovery home. And, um, until, you know, when I

told her that and she said that, I just thought, wow, that was a gunshot. You know, I didn't really

believe in God, but that was a gunshot. And so, um, so I went to this recovery home and they

introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous and I got sober on a Friday. Um, you know, I still love

Fridays. I don't really care if it's Friday, but I like me sober on Fridays and I love that I got

there. And there was an AA speaker that came in and I got to hear, I got to hear alcoholism. You

know, I got to hear what it was like, what happened and what it's like today for that person.

And I got to relate and I realized that I was an alcoholic and there was a solution and it was in

the book Alcoholics Anonymous, but I still wasn't willing to do anything. You know, I, I thought

that there was a solution. I thought this lady's life, she seemed to be, you know, pretty happy in

her life, but I didn't want to do anything. Like I'm lazy. I don't want to do any work at all.

Like, like path measures. That's me, you know? And, um, and so I really didn't want to do much.

And it took for me, uh, where I was at that point where I didn't know if I was going to

be able to stay sober to really dedicate myself to Alcoholics Anonymous. And that lady who, who,

um, I asked to be my sponsor that first night, um, at seven months of sobriety, she started

walking me through the steps and, um, I started going to my home group and, uh, she said, I want

you to stand in the greeting line today, our greeting line on Monday night, there's probably

about a hundred people that stand in that greeting line. It's ridiculous. You're really

welcome by the time. And, um, and so I got into the greeting line and I don't like people. I don't

want to touch your hand. I don't want to ask you how you're doing. Cause I don't care. I don't want to

care. I just didn't care. And you know, the thing about it is more than anything is I was

full of fear. I've always been full of fear my whole life. My whole life I ran on fear and I

didn't know it. Um, and so what happens for me is when I'm afraid, I just get angry. I have those

two emotions, fear and anger, and they're all one and the same. And so I was afraid of people and I

didn't want to stand in that greeting line. Um, but I did it anyway, because I was at that point

that I needed something to change in my life. And, uh, I, I didn't know how to do it on my own. And

so I listened to my sponsor and we started working the steps and, um, and, uh, it came to the third

step where, uh, she said, you're going to come to my house. We're going to get down on our knees

and we're going to pray and we're going to hold hands. And I thought, um, I am too full for all

that. I'm not going to hold your hand and I'm not going to pray because I don't believe in God.

And, but I did it anyway. And so, you know, what I was taught is that it doesn't, you don't care

how you feel or what you do that matter. And, um, I'm very grateful that I got that early on in my

sobriety is that they didn't care what I felt. They didn't care what I felt. They didn't care what I

thought. They just cared what I did, you know? And so my home group has really trained my feet.

And, uh, and so I got commitments and I started going to three meetings a week. Um, you know,

I had visitation with that kid and, um, you know, I got to form a relationship with my son and I had

him every other weekend and I paid my child support. I thought that was lame. How do you

pay a man for child support? Like that's the way, but my sponsor said, you know, you're self-supporting

you take care of your responsibility and that's your responsibility. Um, I got into a relationship

when I was newly sober, which was a bad idea. Um, and, uh, it worked out for a long time. Um, you

know, but I didn't know how to be in a relationship. I still have those old ideas. And so we just

fought regularly, which was not great, but I would call my sponsor and say, this is what happened.

And she's supposed to get to a meeting. And so I did. And, um, and I, I just continue to put

Alcoholics Anonymous first and, you know, that violence stopped happening. And I got to stay

sober and show up to meetings and have commitments. You know, I've always, um, been active in my home

club, you know, I was active in service in my private area, central office. And so I would show

up for all of that. I've sponsored people on and off and spread, you know, sometimes, sometimes I

have sponsored, sometimes I didn't, um, you know, but the thing that was missing in my life and I

didn't realize it, you know, I started, I looked at the steps, but I couldn't fully do, um, you

know, like really work with second and third step, you know, like I didn't have a God of my

own understanding. So how can I turn my will over to that God that I understand? Because I didn't

have an understanding. So I didn't have an understanding. So I didn't have an understanding.

and so but what my sponsors have taught me to do is it doesn't matter you know if you believe

we just want you to take the action to pray and so I've you know always been in prayer but I never

had faith I've never had that conscious contact with God I always thought that I had to see God

working in my life and I can't see it from my own eyes you know for my perception like my life is

still not great it's not wonderful I get to stay sober but you know there's things that would be

different and I can't see that sometimes you know there's just a different plan for me and um and so

you know I've always had that that's always been my um my difficulty in sobriety is that relationship

with God of my own understanding and it seemed like every seven years I had that spiritual bottom

you know and that I had to recommit to Alcoholics Anonymous and start to pray again because I would

get away from it and uh you know I always relied on myself myself to uh you know just to to be

self-sufficient and um you know so I

always just had people to kind of look up to and I kind of you know had my group as my higher power

and um and so you know I'm here in sobriety and I'm about 20 years sober and um you know I've

I've learned how to be a an employee here I've you know been a spouse I've been a I was a

grandmother you know I'm a student I go to school um you know I'm a college student and I'm almost

done I'm so happy I'm not St. Mary's in a way and um and so you know I've done all these things

I've been in the church I've been in the church I've been in the church I've been in the church

keep a job, you know, and that's big for me, you know, to keep a job, to be an employee, to show

up and do what I say I'm going to do, and to be, you know, valuable employers, and so I'm here,

and I hit these bottoms in sobriety at seven, I almost wanted to drink, at 14, I had a difficult

time, and I had to start praying again, and at 20, what happened for me is, you know, I was in a

20-year relationship, and that ended, and, you know, for me, it's like, what do you do, like,

this is your whole life in sobriety, and I was, you know, 20 years sober, and it was, it was at

bottom again, it was like, okay, so what do you do now, you know, and I had to recommit to Alcoholics

Anonymous, I had to start praying to that God that I didn't believe in, and start speaking on a

different level, and I had to see where religious people were right, and really just, like, somebody

said to me, they said, you have old ideas, and the result is real until you let go absolutely

about God, and I

really had to dig that in, and start looking at that, and saying, I did, I have these old ideas

that were not my ideas, they were based on somebody else's opinion, and, and so I had to

really start seeking a different way, and what I started doing is, I started doing medication,

I started getting down on my knees and praying, and I started seeking, and I started seeking people

that were religious, and I started kind of following them, never putting Alcoholics Anonymous

second, but just having a different walk, and believing that a God could work in my life,

and that's the whole thing.

And, and so, you know, that really has helped me to, and I started, I reconvened into Alcoholics

Anonymous, which is basically what happened, you know, I stepped up my meetings from, like,

two to three a week, which, you know, in sobriety, what happened for me is, I started getting

complacent in my life, and so Alcoholics Anonymous had been really inconvenient, and, and so I

stepped up my meetings for, from, you know, two to three a week, so I think for seven,

you know, I started sponsoring more people, people would ask me to show up to a birthday

party for somebody I didn't know, yeah, somebody's off.

They would ask me to show up for whatever it was, yes, I will do it, yes, yes, yes, yes,

I just started saying yes, and I had to do that, you know, because every Monday night

when I go to my home group, you know, my wife is there with her new girlfriend that's a

newcomer, and it's like, how do you do that, how do you walk through that, I want to hurt

somebody, but I don't, you know, what I do is I, I work with that 12 tradition, you know,

it's, I have to place those spiritual principles before my personality, my personality is violent,

and I can't do that.

I can't do that today, what I have to do is I have to show up, and have to know that

everybody is welcome in Alcoholics Anonymous, no matter whether I like them or not, and

that no matter what, I have to stay sober, no matter what, I have to look to the newcomers,

I had a sponsor in the past, and she's still a friend today, and I called her, and I said,

how did you do this when this happened to you, how did you, how did you show up, you

know, and, and, you know, sit there and watch this happening, and she said, you know, if

I knew where they were, then I'm not doing my job.

I'm finding the newcomers, and so you work the room, and you talk to the newcomers, and

so that's what I do, and, you know, that has helped me, it doesn't take those feelings

away, but what I do is I just try to practice the things that Alcoholics Anonymous has taught

me, you know, to keep on my side of the street, I'm not a victim to any of that stuff, you

know, I place, I made decisions based on self many years ago that placed me in a position

to be hurt today, and, and I have to look at that, and I have to be responsible for

that, and I have to take ownership for that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that really helps me to kind of just walk through this thing with some dignity

and grace, and, you know, what, what I base my life upon today is, you know, I heard early

on, you know, my wife would say, you know, you reap what you sow, you reap what you sow,

and, you know, I would cringe, I would be like, because I was not a nice person, but

today, I hope I reap what I sow, because I put out there, I put, I put love, I put respect,

I put, you know, the, the thought of others, I pray for others today.

If I hear somebody struggling and alone, I will pray for them.

Every day, I pray for at least three or four people in my home group, or people that I

see in beauty, and, you know, that's the, the different thing about me today.

It talks about in our book, we don't pray for ourselves, we pray for others, and I've

learned to get those practices and, and apply them to my life, and how I live today, and

those are the things that keep me grounded, you know, these women keep me grounded, you

know, being of service, and putting Alcoholics Anonymous first, it grounds me, and having

that God that I never believed in, to say, you will work for me, if I put the effort into it,

that grounds me, and it's only because of Alcoholics Anonymous, and they've been in

grace, no matter what, you know, nobody can get me drunk, and nobody can keep me sober,

and I have to remember that, so thanks for letting me share.