Facing Fears: Stephanie's Journey Through Steps and Family History

Thank you, Steve. Now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Stephanie.

Hi, I'm Stephanie. I'm an alcoholic.

You know, one of the reasons why I

really hate speaking is I'm afraid of steps.

And,

you know, I was at an AA convention years ago and it was, we're in this huge, huge

ballroom. There were hundreds of people there and I forget why they were

calling people up. Maybe it was for birthdays or something like that, but

this woman ran up to the stage and, I mean, the stage was probably three and a

half, four feet

tall off the ground and she tried to

launch herself onto the stage

and didn't even come close.

And so, like, it, the stage hit her, like, at the knees and then she just went down

face first in front of a room of, like,

hundreds of people. And,

and, you know, it's, it's really funny, but it's not. You feel so bad for that

person. So I'm, like, doubled over in my seat. You know, she couldn't see me, but

I'm doubled over and I've got, like, I'm gripping other

friends' hands so that I wouldn't laugh out loud, but I'm just dying and I have that

vision every time there's, like, a step in front of people. So,

anyway, I made it. I made it

till I step off of this thing. But, so, I, I just, I hate speaking. I'm

nervous about it. Thank you.

And Angie and Jerry did my job for me, so I think we should just have some cake and

call it a night.

Just, get the cake.

Get the hell out of here. Thanks, Oscar, for asking me to speak. I mean, I'm supposed

to say that, thank you, but I'm not, I'm not really grateful. I think I was even, like,

yes, I'll speak. And there was one time I said no to an AA request and I regret it.

I mean, I will regret it for the rest of my life, so I've, I've never done it since. But,

so anyway, my sobriety date is January 22nd.

It's the 28th, 2001. My sponsor is Patty P. And my home group is the Saturday Night Interview

with an Alcoholic in Van Nuys. I have done the steps and I'll just tell you that story

shortly and then I'll backtrack. So, I was probably about a year sober. Patty wasn't

my sponsor yet. It was this woman, this amazing woman named Nikki Ann. And she lives on the

west side, or did at that time, and we didn't see each other that often. So, you know, I

would check in with her.

But I wasn't really good at, at doing that. And I wasn't really pursuing her to do the

steps. But I'd done the first three steps and Patty was actually, she was my boss at

work at that time. And, you know, I divulged to her that I had a drinking problem and that

I was sober. And I was attending meetings with her and her husband. And, you know, Harvey,

her husband, would ask me once in a while, so, have you, have you, where are you at your

inventory? Have you done your inventory? And I'd be like, mm, yeah, I'm working on that.

So, one day, I probably, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,

but I probably was around a year sober. He says, you're going to come over this weekend.

You're going to come over Saturday. Come on up after the meeting and we'll talk. And I

said, okay.

So I go over to their house after our Sunday meeting. And I think this is around the holidays

or no, I think this is around Valentine's day. It's because they had a giant tub of

chocolate and those little chocolate candy bars.

So I go in and, and he said, so, at that, see, see that, see the table outside on the

patio? Yeah.

You're going to go sit down out there. I got you a pad and a pad of paper and a pen. Just go sit

out there. So I went and sat there and he comes out. He brings this giant bucket of chocolate

candy bars and he goes, you're going to sit out here and you're going to do your inventory. I

don't care how long it takes. And that was it. That's how I got my inventory done. I owe it to

Harvey for that. And God, I just, you would think that I would have gotten over my addiction to

chocolate from that day, but I didn't. So anyway, there's a lot of alcoholism in my family. On my

mom's side, just, you know, generations of alcoholics, including my mom. My mom was married

before she met my dad. She had four children. She divorced. She met my dad in Texas at a bar.

Dad was enlisted in the army and, you know, I guess, you know, they met at this bar. And my dad

was, you know, in his early twenties. And I asked,

years and years and years later, how did you marry? You're like a conservative guy from the

East Coast who went to military school. How did you get involved with my mom who was working at

a bar and had four kids? I think they were all under five at that time. I'm like, what possessed

you? Did you guys screw up? And she got pregnant with me. Was I the kid who, you know, got you

roped into this marriage? And he said, no, we really loved each other. We were crazy about each

other. I think the word is lust, but you know, he said, we really, we really loved each other.

We were crazy and we're in love. And as soon as she divorced,

her first husband, we went over the County line that day and we got married and, you know,

you were conceived later. You weren't the reason why we had to get married. And, uh, years later,

I found out that somewhere in there between the divorce and the marriage, or maybe it was before

the first divorce, but there's another husband in there somewhere. Um, I don't know if my dad

knows about that, but you know, my mom was a little wild. So, uh, they got married, had two

kids. So my dad's taking care of, uh, some other guy's kids, uh, four of them under five years.

Then me and then my sister. So they got six kids running around and, you know, I, I don't think my

mom was drinking alcoholically when, you know, before I was born or while she was pregnant with

us, who knows. Um, but it was after that, that her drinking escalated. And I don't remember much

about the time, you know, about that part of my childhood before I was eight or nine, when they

decided to separate, you know, I remember finding my mom face down on the bathroom floor. She's

passed out. I remember things being kind of crazy. Uh, we lived in, uh,

a small town in Illinois then. And, um, you know, but I mean, for a kid, uh, I don't really

remember, but I, my, the memories I have there, it wasn't like outrageously out of control. We

had sort of a somewhat normal childhood. And then one day, uh, dad sat us all down in the living

room, like that only the guests were allowed in. And, um, we had a serious talk and he told us

that they, you know, things weren't working and they were going to split up. And it was right

around that, that conversation that, uh, it sort of dawned on me that my older siblings were not

my father's kids. Uh, before that time, I have no recollection of, of knowing that. And, um,

my parents split, my dad went off and, and, uh, started hanging out in his bachelor pad apartment

building with like the indoor outdoor pool that, I mean, it was, it was crazy. It was crazy for us.

We'd never seen anything like that. And, um, it was fun. You know, we got to see him on the

weekends and he would spoil us with stuff. And, uh, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

then things with mom got real crazy. And, um, there was a time, uh, when, uh, my mom's sister

called my dad and said, you got to do something about this. You know, she's, those kids are going

to end up on the street. They're not being taken care of. They're dirty. They're not being fed.

I don't really remember any of that, but dad came and got us and, um, they sat us down again. And,

uh, my older siblings went to their father who was living in California at the time,

Southern California. And, um, my dad were,

uh, they told us that we, that my younger sister and I were going to go on a trip,

like temporary trip, uh, with dad to California, Northern California. And what we didn't know is

that it was a permanent move. We weren't coming back. And, uh, we left and that was the last time

I saw, uh, well, I S I saw my mom once about a year later and I did not see her again until I

was in my early twenties when I got married the first time, because, uh, after we left that she

didn't have any more responsibilities for anything. And, uh, she just went off the

deep end and dad would get a call every once in a while that mom was, you know, in the hospital

again. And, you know, it was, he was, she wasn't his responsibility. He had already done that enough

times and he washed his hands of her and she was on her own. And, uh, I know for a time that she,

uh, she got married again and, um, she was off and running. I know that they were homeless. I

know that they, you know, jumped trains and, um, uh, her life was not good for a long time.

Once in a while we'd get a crazy call from her and, you know, they would be drunk, but,

after a few of those times, dad just wouldn't let us talk to her anymore. And, um, you know,

I felt, uh, I felt different at, uh, from the get-go as a kid, not necessarily because my

family was a little crazy. Mom was a drunk, um, you know, right outside the gate. As soon as I

was born, everyone knew I was different because I have a birthmark on my face. And, uh, in Illinois,

I don't remember it being that big of a deal. We were a small town. So I'd grown up with these

kids. Everyone knew me. But as soon as we got to California, uh, the cruelty of children, uh,

blossomed. And I was, uh, the, um, the recipient of, uh, uh, incredibly imaginative names for the

way I looked. And, um, uh, it was, you know, it was not good. So, uh, you know, that was one way

that I felt different. And the other way was because I was being raised by a single man,

which, you know, didn't, wasn't really very common, uh, then. And, um, I just never knew,

like, what was gonna happen next. Um, you know, I knew my dad loved us a lot, but his actions

sometimes didn't match, didn't match with, um, what I thought, like, would be a good dad move.

So, uh, my dad traveled a lot for business. So we were left with strangers and strange being the

word there. So, um, we were left in situations that weren't safe. And so there was, uh, you know,

and, and, you know, back then we didn't have, like, outside of the couple of discussions about

getting divorced.

And we're moving and things like that. Um, my dad wasn't real honest with us about things that

were happening in our lives or what was going to happen next. So, um, I was always wondering,

like, what's going to happen next. Or, um, uh, you know, I would be told he would tell us things

and then those things wouldn't happen. So I didn't handle disappointment. Well, I didn't trust

really anything. And I felt very, very, very alone. Like I couldn't trust him to take care of us,

even though, you know, on the outside he did, we were fed,

for the most part, we are clothed for the most part. Um, we are, you know, uh, we, you know,

things were okay, but it was, um, very uncertain, very lonely childhood. And I didn't feel like

there was anyone I could talk to about any of it. And, um, you know, it went on like that till my,

uh, dad met my, we call her the step monster. And, uh, you know, just at the perfect time,

14 years old, I was 14 and I had, uh, been my dad's like,

um, you know, my, I had like kind of run the house for a number of years since my parents

were divorced. And this, you know, this strange woman who he'd met overseas, um, on a trip,

she just showed up and she was going to be our new mom now. And, uh, I'll never, you know,

I now can feel for this woman and for who she was and how she was feeling in the role she

had to fill and the, the situation she stepped into. But what I remember most from those early

days was, I mean, in my mind, it looks like this, she's in our kitchen and she's,

just tossing our stuff out that she doesn't want to have, like all of our stuff that we had,

you know, accumulated as dad was a single father. And, um, so that's like a memory that's,

that sticks with me is just her tossing our stuff that, that might not have been exactly

what happened. She could have just set a couple of things aside, but in my mind, you know, um,

oh gosh. And so, you know, I was 14. I was already way too grown up because I had to grow up fast.

I had to figure out things for myself. I'd had to take care of my sister. Uh, I forgot about

Australia. So, uh, when I was 12, dad got a job offer in Australia to, um, sort of start this

business, um, for a company that became Motorola. So he was starting this, this division for them

in Australia. And, um, my dad, uh, had the bright idea of not enrolling us in school because

we had flown over, uh, in July. So it was our summer, even though they,

had year round schools and he just decided not to enroll us in school. And, uh, we stayed there

for six months. So we're on our own virtually all the time. And dad was single. I mean, he had a

girlfriend back home, but he's overseas, so it doesn't count anymore. So, uh, you know, he was

dating there and partying and, you know, he was, uh, this time he was probably in his early thirties

and he was tall. He was good looking. Disco was like the rage and he had a lot of partying to do.

So what that looked like for us though, was, you know, getting a call at five o'clock. I'm just

going to go out for a couple of drinks. And my dad's not an alcoholic. He's, he's virtually

normie, but he had a lot of, you know, enjoyment to be had. And, you know, I'm going to go out for,

we're going to go out for dinner, a couple of drinks and I'll see you later. And, you know,

I wake up at three o'clock in the morning. Dad's not there. I'm sure he's been killed. That was

like every, to me, it was every day. It might've been once a week. I don't know, but it happened

to me. It happened all the time. And I'm trying to figure out like at three 30 in the morning,

okay, so where are our passports? I'm a 12 year old girl, right? Where are our passports? How do

we get a flight reservation out? Can I finagle a way to get first class? Like how we got out here?

Who's going to take care of us? How are we going to, so all of that stuff is happening and I'm

growing up way too fast. So fast forward to step monster and dad get together. And she's got like

an adult 14 year old girl who doesn't want any part of her instruction or advice or rules. And

so that made for very interesting household. And she was also a little wired a little differently

than the rest of us. And, you know, she would say things like she had a premonition of so-and-so's,

you know, getting shot. Who's the president who was shot in the early eighties? Reagan, right?

Yeah. So she had, she had had a premonition about his shoot, his, you know, attempted assassination,

things like that. Other things like, you know, there's an Indian who lives outside and he looks

in the window. So, you know, not only were we dealing with a woman who was depressed and

didn't really want kids and didn't like these kids, but she was also a little cuckoo. So,

you know, I don't remember if the drinking started before the smoking pot, but they sort of went hand

in hand. I had friends who were doing both of those things. And the first time I remember getting

drunk was at the party of a friend of a friend and we're all underage, very underage, but the mom of

that friend of a friend was letting us drink for some reason. Maybe she thought like, if I let them

drink here under the, you know, under our roof, they won't go and do it somewhere else. But I was

probably 15 years old. And man, you know, I hear people talk about drinking, you know, starts out

fun, then it's fun with problems and it's just problems. Mine was never just fun. Mine was

immediately fun with problems. You know, I remember that night and this is how the rest of my drinking

went. So I won't tell you about a lot of the...

Gory stuff. But that night I drink, I get drunk, can't stop drinking. And then I go out in the

street and harass people driving, you know, their cars by and take off my clothes. So that's kind of

what happens when I drink. But as I grew up, I also like, you know, stole people's boyfriends

or will try to, but, you know, didn't understand, you know, the vows of marriage like mine or

anybody else's.

Um, you know, there's one pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization after another. I immediately

started losing friends or just, you know, friends didn't want to hang out with me when I started

drinking because you never knew what was going to happen. And, um, the way I drank though, it was,

uh, sort of easy to convince people I didn't really have a problem because I was a periodic.

So I could go, you know, if I needed to, I could go days or weeks without drinking, or I could

control it for a couple of days here or there. Um, and there were times when I didn't have a problem.

There were times where, you know, I did go for a long stretch without getting in any trouble. So,

you know, I, you know, when people said, would say, you know, you think you should look at your

drinking or didn't your mother have a drinking problem or things like that go, yeah, but I

haven't had a drink for two weeks, you know, or, um, you know, we were together last night. I had

one glass of wine. What's your problem? And, um, you know, uh, I knew like when I took a drink,

all I wanted to do was just, for me, it was like a switch that was flipped. I just wanted to flip

that switch and just, you know, I didn't have a problem. And, um, you know, I didn't have a

let's just go. I did not want to stop. And I thought that it was just a problem of, um, that

it was just a problem of remembering when to stop that I just couldn't remember that, you know,

four or five drinks, that's when you stop. And I just thought that it was a problem of memory.

Um, it didn't, you know, and I really, I, I just thought I, I just forgot when I should stop,

but I didn't never want it to stop. And it was, um, I also had a,

sort of a concurrent kind of rage thing going on and it was kind of the same feeling. So, um, you

know, I couldn't really do that at home when I was a kid. Cause my dad was pretty strict. You didn't

misbehave, you know, you got in a lot of trouble. So I didn't really misbehave under their roof,

but, um, uh, the anger part too, was like a, uh, a switch that was flipped. So any excuse that I

had to just completely go off the deep and in a rage was the same. It gave me the same sort of

um, but most people will put up with a little drinking, a little bad behavior, but they're not

going to put up with someone who's rageful all the time. So that was kind of like suppressed a little

bit. And, uh, the drinking didn't, I didn't think drinking solved my problems. I, for me, drinking

was just an escape from all that anxiety of the rage to, of the feeling guilty for the stuff that

I had done that I wanted to forget about, um, of all that unresolved stuff from my childhood that

you know, um, and you know,

I would, you know, I would have a good time once in a while. So, or there was always the

intention of having a good time until then I forgot again, and I was throwing up or blacking

out. And, um, a lot of my drinking was in, in a blackout. So I don't remember, I don't even

remember some of this stuff. You know, I'll remember things like, um, you know, being at

this bar with my friends in Culver city and I'll remember talking and drinking and, uh, you know,

eating peanuts. And then the next thing I know I'm in the alley and my girlfriend,

pulling the, on the back of my pants to drag me into the bar. Cause some I'm out there with

some guy and she's like, what are you trying to get killed? And you know, she's taken me home

once again, and my car's left somewhere on the street. Cause I can't drive and she's driving

me home once again. And that just is repeated over and over and over again. Um, I got married

when I was in my early twenties. Cause I thought, well, we're together. I guess this is what you do

if you don't break up. And he had the same theory. So that's what we did. And I knew,

I didn't want to be married. He was a great guy. He was, you know, had his own issues or he was a

good guy. Um, but I didn't want to be married. And I didn't, I don't think either one of us

really thought that the marriage thing was going to be a successful endeavor, but we didn't really

know what to do except forget married. And, um, I think just, you know, my, my being unhappy as

a married person, we moved out to Agora Hills cause that's, you know, what we could afford.

And I was commuting, uh, 75, 80 miles a day. And,

talk about road rage in traffic in LA. I mean, he even says, you know, that that's part of the

reason why our marriage failed. I'm like, no, it was all the drinking, but, um, you know,

he had a weird schedule. So he was out late at night with clients and I was home early.

Well, in the beginning I was home early, so he would get home at eight or nine o'clock and I'd

have a glass of wine. Well, what he didn't know is I'd already drank a bottle of wine and I was

working on like the second bottle. And, but it looked like I was just on my first glass.

And, um, and then as the thing, you know, as we, as we got unhappier and unhappier and more and more

fights, I started hanging out with people from work more and being, you know, like not showing

up and that just went on and on and on. And guess what? We got a divorce. Uh, and, um, then, you

know, that was it. There was no one around to report to, there was no one around to be accountable

to. And, um, you know, always in the back of my head, there was, um, your mom's an alcoholic,

maybe you're an alcoholic. Remember the, remember your first roommate who brought you to Alcoholics

Anonymous. So when I first moved to LA, I had this roommate named Lee. And one day he comes to me

and says, Hey, you know, I go to these, uh, 12 step meetings. You want to go with me one time?

I'm like, sure, whatever. Not thinking anything like he and I don't even really have, we're like

ships in the night, but he's seen something in me. So he takes me to a meeting and I'm like,

I don't even know what I'm doing there. Is that a famous guy? You know? And that was it. That was

the only impression that was left.

And, uh, uh, so, you know, I'm on my own, I'm drinking crazy. And, uh, one morning I'm driving

home drunk from the night before. And, um, I get in an accident on the freeway. I had, uh, tried

to change lanes and just clip this guy's bumper. And if that guy had pulled over, I would have

pulled over, but he didn't, he just kept going. I have no idea who keeps going in LA when you get

in an accident, but he keeps going and I don't get arrested. I don't get a DUI, but it's a wake

call because, you know, I go home, I collapse. I go out a few hours later and like tiptoe out to

the car to see if it's real. And there's the damage on the car. And, um, I call my ex-husband

cause I know that he's seeing someone who's in the program. Um, and she takes me to an AA meeting.

And what I love about that is she said, well, yeah, the guy told me it's, uh, is that a club

house? The guy told me it's at a club house on Pico Boulevard. And if we don't like the meeting,

we can go across the street to the bar. So that's what we did. And, um,

sober for a little while. I, um, I didn't get a sponsor. I didn't have a regular meeting. I

didn't do the steps. Uh, sooner or later I started, uh, the marijuana maintenance program because I

didn't have a problem with marijuana and you guys were too strict and, uh, I'm not drinking. So that

should be good enough. And bless his heart. My friend in AA who's, who'd known me, you know,

before sobriety and after, and he was a few years sober, that guy, he didn't have the guts to tell

me or didn't, you know, maybe he thought it wasn't his job, but I didn't have the guts to tell him.

I would take dirty cakes. So like year one, year two, year three, I'm already, I'm not sober. I'm

smoking pot, right? He takes, he takes me to take a cake at a meeting I've never been to like for

three years. You know, I just show up at a random meeting, not having been to any meetings at all.

And I think that's sobriety and I want my cake and my hugs and all of that. And, you know,

I see people now, like I have a judgment now about that thing. Like if I've never seen you

before in my life and you show up at my meeting and you take a cake, I'm not sober. I'm not

going to take a cake and I never see you again. You're on my list, right? So anyway, so, so

needless to say that sobriety didn't last long, about three and a half years. And it was the

millennial, you know, thing and it was New Year's Eve, 2000. And I had convinced myself that that

previous, you know, stint with alcoholism was just a phase and I could handle it. And let me tell

you, if you haven't slipped.

I relapsed. I can pretty much guarantee you that you will start where you left off. So if you left

off in the gutter, very shortly, you will end up there again, if you start drinking or using again.

So I, you know, my, my, that same AA guy who like, you know, didn't have the guts to slap me around

a little bit, figuratively speaking, was there that night and I convinced him and he's like,

oh, sure. It's just a phase. Absolutely. Well, if you want to drink again, that's your, sure.

Absolutely. Whatever. You know,

I was around drinking friends, so they were like, yes, she's going to drink again. This is going to

be great. And, you know, drank again. And I mean, from that first sip of champagne, I was like,

just, I could just feel like trying to control and enjoy that drink in without going nuts.

Cause I didn't want to prove them anybody right that I had a real problem. Right. So that whole

night was like, how many drinks have I had? But that, you know, that night I drive right past my

house and I'm like, I'm going to drink again. And I'm like, I'm going to drink again. And I'm like,

because I forgot where it was because I'm almost in blackout. Right. And I'm trying to, you know,

well, you know, I haven't lived here for long and like, it's only been a year and a half.

And, um, uh, I was out for a year and my last hurrah was, um, God, I won't even tell that

story. Anyway, it's, it's New Orleans and it involves a walk of shame. Okay. Came home and,

um, and got sober again. And this time, um, uh, the woman who's my sponsor now was my,

my boss then. And I divulged to her what was going on and she and her husband, Harvey took

me under their wing. And, you know, I, I'd always done everything myself. I still try to do everything

myself. And I was going to do this sobriety myself. I was going to do it differently. Like

I was going to go to meetings, get a sponsor, do the steps, but I was going to do it all on my own

and they wouldn't let me, they took me to, you know, invited me to dinner, to coffee. And I'm

like, but you don't have to do that. Like, I felt like I was the pity case. I didn't know that this

is what we do here. Right. And, um, you know, uh, from, from early on from them being inclusive

and from getting in good with a group of people that I saw all the time. So regular meetings on

regular meeting nights, right. Starting the steps, you know, uh, Harvey was instrumental in me doing

my four step, which made, meant that I did the rest of the steps too. Right. And, um, you know,

having, uh, sober people at work, even though we didn't talk about it openly, there was, you know,

there was that support system and,

there were, uh, so during this, you know, in early sobriety, you know, there was kind of a

pink cloud thing. I got really into like, so the spirituality part, kind of the Christianity sort

of thing went to church a lot in the beginning there. And then, and then not so much. And, um,

but there, there were, uh, um, I had several spiritual experiences, um, that, um, told me I

was in the right place. I was doing the right thing. And that, uh, gave me a brand new connection

to God for me. Uh, and part of that, uh, part of that, uh, part of that, uh, part of that, uh,

part of that was that, um, I, I had been, uh,