Finding Fellowship Through Shared Stories

I'm not gonna need this.

My name's Brenna and I'm an alcoholic.

Exactly.

So I was late to the meeting,

so I figured I'd be late to the second part of the meeting.

So just kind of sit down.

I apologize for being late.

Glad to be here.

I thank my friend Oscar for asking me to lead.

And I thank Scott for being such a gracious host.

He's really cool.

He showed me around and it was really cool.

And Bridget, thank you so much for your pitch.

I can only imagine what it would be like to live that life.

And the fact that you're sober right now is, it's just,

I guess it's the power of Alcoholics Anonymous

that kind of works in our life no matter what we're doing.

You know, and what we know and what we don't know.

And thanks so much for your, where is he?

Again, that must've been like, my father was awesome.

He, you know, was a guy that is my hero.

And he was just such a great example of what a man and a provider should be.

And I think that was for a few years.

And my friend Chad, he grew up gay in Alabama and we were talking about stories

and he was just like, the same situation.

And now he's in the same story.

So it's all good.

So my sobriety date is May 9th, 1996.

My sponsor is Rich A.

And his sponsor is Tony B.

My home group is the Manning-Tuller Men's Society.

It's in Stag.

It meets from 7 o'clock to 8.30.

It's at the intersection of Fadbrook and Shupe in a church.

It was started in the backyard of a gentleman, his name is Jim S.

And a handful of people, it was one of those coffee and resentment deals.

They took it, started in his backyard.

And now they're 100 strong.

And the sign of a good meeting, I think, is the last meeting, there were 10 newcomers.

Half of them came from Tarzana Treatment Center.

They were picked up by graduates of Tarzana Treatment Center that were now sober.

That's an awesome thing.

There was two 30-day chips, a 90-day chip, a nine-month, and we celebrated three birthdays

totaling 40 years.

We have a commitment at the central office answering phones and I've been answering phones

for a long time.

I don't know why they have people answer phones because we go from 5 to 9 and I think we have

phone calls.

I mean, the internet and all that stuff, I know, Alkies, 20 years ago, dudes were calling

me going, like, what?

What?

What's going on?

What's going on?

What's going on?

What's going on?

What's going on?

I'm rambling.

You know, I'm like a year sober, like trying to navigate this thing and there's signs on

the wall that say, do not talk to Harry.

He's got fire alarms.

And like, if this person is coming out, they call like 30 times a night.

But, you know, not to say like I'm not going to go to school to prepare for the fires and

the smell, but it was different, you know?

And I actually think people who are synonymous are different.

And I need to recognize that.

You know, I have a couple of sponsees that, you know, drugs and opiates and painkillers

were their thing.

And I don't get that.

You know, I lived in Minnesota.

I chewed Copenhagen snuff and drank beer.

Red flannel shirts.

That's kind of how I really am.

So it's just, you know, it is what it is.

So that's my home group.

They probably aren't hungry.

But if you're new, get a home group.

And what a home group it is for those that are new.

And welcome to newcomers.

Can some of you raise your hands?

Guys that are new.

You're in the back.

Exactly.

You're in the back.

You're in the back.

Surprise, surprise.

It's so funny.

One of the first meetings I went to by myself, the meeting that's on Dickens by the Fat

Birdie, that church, was a big Friday night speaker meeting.

And they talked about people.

It was really cool.

Well, I didn't think it was that cool then, because I was in Los Angeles.

I'll talk a little bit about that.

But I was one of those guys that sat, like, on the side.

And I just remember it vividly.

I was sitting in the chair, just wiping out those eyes, like, trying to close my eyes

and not, you know, not even believe it was going on.

Like, if you only have my problems, you'd be this way, too.

And somebody comes in and sits next to me.

He's like, yeah, right?

Like, how's it going?

And I'm like, yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah.

And he's like, he goes, hey, I was there, too.

He's like, guess what?

He goes, just take a deep breath and take it in for an hour and a half.

We don't serve booze here.

You don't have to think about why you got here.

Just hang out.

And I remember that to this day.

I didn't really remember it then.

But standing up here, that just came to me.

And that was the power of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I know for me, you know, it's my responsibility to reach out to newcomers.

And my home group does a great job of that.

And I'm responsible for that.

Because if that man runs out of booze.

If that man maybe just, you know, nudged me and just gave me a little help.

And made me realize that, you know, gosh, maybe I can do this.

That may not have happened.

So, you know, for those of you that have a little time and you're in a home group, reach your hand out.

This, by the way, is awesome.

The Quality of Life.

The Quality of Life.

The Quality of Life.

I mean, absolutely.

We'll get into that now.

Cherry.

Plenty of people came up to me and shook my hand and said, welcome.

Thank you for coming.

What a great testimony of an Alcoholics Anonymous group.

It's awesome.

And I really like that.

Because, you know, I don't think anywhere in the children's steps it says, I.

You need to stop drinking.

You're such an a-hole.

Why are you doing this to me?

Why am I doing this?

Why am I getting, you know, the benefit of the deal?

This is a weird program.

When I first got here, I didn't want anyone's help.

I didn't even know I was an alcoholic.

You know, I was what they call in the book called, I was a periodic.

And I didn't know what that was.

But what I thought it was, was an alcoholic.

And I didn't know what that was.

And I didn't know what that was.

But what I thought it was, was an alcoholic.

And I didn't know what that was.

But what I thought it was, was an alcoholic.

I thought, you know, I don't drink every day.

I'm not under a bridge with Cis Bear, like a brown guy with a Ciscar.

You know, that's not me.

I came from a very, just a wonderful family.

I'm the youngest of seven, Irish Catholic family.

I have a college degree.

I played professional in college sports.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

I was a young man.

You know I'm just a random dude that I would think when I look at somebody like, you know

that person can't be an alcoholic, like what's going on?

My perception of alcoholism and alcoholic was different.

My perception of alcoholism and alcoholic was different and that's not the case.

My perception of alcoholism and alcoholic was different and that's not the case.

Look at everyone here.

Men, women, you know, every you know, age, race, creed, you know, sexual orientation,

preference, whatever, it's it, it's the only…

For me, it's the only land, the only organization that I think is perfect.

When you're in business or in a relationship, there's all these things.

For me, in business or playing sports competitively, if I wasn't playing, I'd hope to God the guy in front of me got injured.

If I was on the team, I mean, I was a team player.

I was into the team.

But in business, if you don't close a deal, if you don't do something, somebody is going to climb up on top of you and they'll tell you anything to get there, whatever it might be.

You know, I guess my point is in Alcoholics Anonymous, it's not that way.

Sometimes I get resentful of people because their lives are really good.

Like, how did that guy get that, like, cool or all this stuff?

And this guy's way too happy for me.

And I've been sober a while, and that still happens.

Like, this guy's way too happy.

At the same time, there's never been a time where even if I did go on, and let me tell you something.

The newcomers, if you don't like, if you like everybody and everybody to your.

I'm going to be in two of these meetings and you're not reaching out to me when I was in a certain thing that was really trippy to sell a big house with, you know, dudes, three dudes, two and all my possessions, you know, came out and it was that was, you know, something for me that was, you know, was really difficult.

And I have, I have a hard time with, you know, I was here and now I'm here.

You know, I do, and I didn't know how to live my life, you know, so the new guys, if you're in here, it's a reason you're here, and I don't know what that is, and your relationship is with your higher power, if you have, if you don't, that's cool too, we can make that work.

If you don't want to be here, let me put it this way, what time is it?

It's like 8, 825 on a Saturday, probably in El Cajon, like most people don't go to.

And choose to do that at 825 on a Saturday night, so, you're in the right place.

And, you know, I mean, and people that are in this meeting say, like, you're in the right place, one day at a time, easy does it, you know, like, I was just like, are you serious?

Like, this kind of stuff, like, is this really going to work?

And so, anyway, I just, I'm just really grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous, I love Alcoholics Anonymous, I love it.

It saved my life.

And if you're new here, it doesn't matter what you did to get here, nobody really cares, it doesn't matter, you know.

What you've done, somebody's done it, or somebody knows somebody that did it, so, you know, don't worry about that either.

So, anyway, it's kind of like, getting all that gratitude out, this is a great meeting, and I feel very welcome.

You know, this is, you know, for me, that's when I get the most joy, my sobriety is reaching my hand out and just saying, hey man, what got you here?

Just listening, you know, just full on chapter seven, working with others, not trying to solve problems, just listening, and identifying, and that may be some experience to somebody.

So, but it's on you guys and ladies to put their hand out, you know, that's the other thing, it's a two-way street.

So, anyway, so, I'll just kind of do a really brief thing.

I don't like drinking because I tend to ramble a lot just about stuff.

I have a friend of mine that's like, Brandon, you, you, what is it?

You overemphasize the bullshit and underemphasize the truth, you know, and I don't deal with it as much now.

There's a beautiful woman here that I'm pointing at that might beg to differ, but, and that's where we are.

I mean, plain and simply, I was fed of ass when I got here.

Didn't know how to live my life, nothing.

I was the youngest of seven, grew up in Minnesota.

First drink was at 16 years old.

I played ice hockey.

That's what you did in Minnesota, you know, snowmobiles, ice fish, or play ice hockey, so that's what I did.

So, we were at a tournament in Canada, and we gave some dude like 25 bucks to buy us beer.

Get back to the hotel, and we put it, you know, you know, on the ice bank, and we just, I drank it.

And so, my first sip, and that beer was Strohs.

Does anybody have a Strohs?

Yeah, that's pretty solid, pretty solid beer there.

Yeah, not necessarily a craft beer.

I think we, I think we got like 10 cases for 25 bucks.

So, I drank it, and that unbelievable feeling just hit me, that feeling, call it a social lubricant.

It was just something that, that hit me.

And I felt, I felt a part of it, and I felt like I could just kind of be myself.

My skin was off.

And I had a few reasons to drink.

And there was a reason to drink, and there was a reason to work every single time.

I know later that I had to work the steps to feel better.

And I had to work the steps to find out what exactly it was.

But some of the things, you know, I thought I had great reasons to drink, just like we all do.

You know, if you only had this, if you only had that.

For me, one of them was being molested by a male family member at 10 years old, who I loved.

Keeping that a secret.

I liked it.

It felt good.

So, I thought, I was gay, not that it matters.

But I was like, why is this, you know.

And at 10 years old, you know, I look back on it from the first kind of started therapy.

I got into the program when I was 28.

You know, he said, you can't look at this situation from a 28-year-old brain, you know.

You were a 10-year-old boy, you know.

And on a scale of 1 to 10, you know, this guy treated 11s.

Like sickening, horrible things.

But it was on that scale, you know, it happened.

And so, that was a really, one of the reasons.

And just, I grew up in an Irish Catholic family.

And not to stereotype, but, you know, share our feelings.

Everything was swept under the rug.

Hopefully, it didn't blow up, but it was swept under the rug.

My dad did some stuff, you know, here with the Irish.

And it was swept under the rug.

And I didn't find out about it until there was an article in the paper.

And that's kind of how I went through sometimes still.

You know, my first reaction is to do that.

So, fast forward to Snowbank.

This was the perfect man.

This was like an elixir.

It was snowing hot.

I was with my friends.

Drank a beer.

Drank another one.

It was awesome.

Drank the third one.

And just hurled, like, right out my key.

Like, right, you know.

And I don't know if there are any doctors in here.

But from what I understand, if you throw up, that means your body is telling you you're ingesting poison.

So, that's the body's way of getting the poison out.

So, as I did on Kashyyyk, what I did was, I was like, all right.

Took a little slow, kind of, and just drank another one, you know.

And that kind of started, that was my first drink.

So, at that point, I drank a lot.

My last drink was when I was trying to eat, like, in, like, in April.

I was at a trade convention in Kansas City.

And I have some mental health issues, which I will probably go into a little bit.

I'm treated.

And so, I was sitting in this room, all depressed, and really having a hard time.

And I said, I'm not going to drink tonight.

I'm just not going to drink.

I'm not going to drink.

I'm not going to drink.

And the guy came knocking on the door.

He's like, hey, man, let's go.

And I'm like, I can't.

I'm not going to.

I'm not going to.

And I went.

Somehow, I just went.

I probably had, you know, not to talk about, like, how much I can drink.

Nobody cares.

But I probably had 15 or 20 drinks in the span of four years when I was stone cold sober.

I couldn't get drunk.

I just, there wasn't enough.

And so, when I looked back, that started my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous.

So, I started drinking Lele Effect.

And then I ended drinking just in a whole break.

I can't stop.

I want to stop.

But I can't.

And I'm afraid to.

And there's a page, like, page 23, I think, it talks about the different kinds of alcoholics.

And my first sponsor pointed this out because I tried to get, slip through the, you know,

the cracks of the periodic.

Like, hey, my man's fine.

My family's fine.

I don't drink all the time.

And he's like, so, when you drink, do you drink to get drunk?

I'm like, are you serious?

Like, seriously?

He's like, yeah.

I mean, that's, why would you?

And he's like, when you start, do you have a hard time stopping?

I go, no.

I don't stop.

I mean, there's not, it's not a hard time.

I just don't stop.

And so, he directed me to that big book.

There's a difference between the social drinker.

And we'll see those a-holes at holiday parties that will sell, oops, a glass of wine.

There's actually half of it left.

If you make a buy, that's a good deal.

Come on.

So, and then the heavy drinkers, I had a couple of friends that are heavy drinkers

that drank kind of like I did.

They got after me.

They got after me.

And I had a couple of friends that were heavy drinkers that drank kind of like I did.

They got after me.

They got after me.

But somehow, their life managed to stay together.

Then there's me.

I'm that guy that they say in the book that somehow, suddenly I crossed that line.

There's this line and I cross it.

And it's a line that I can't stop drinking.

And I can't stop what I drink.

I drink to get drunk, and I don't know if it's going to happen.

And it says in the book that it's reserved for that class.

Like, I'm in that class of drinker.

I'm an alcoholic.

So I know that.

So basically, my sister tendered a letter of resignation to my boss in Minnesota.

She's an attorney, and she's awesome.

She's the one that got me here, and I love her very much.

And if it wasn't for her persistence and love and support, I wouldn't have been able to start my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous.

She's an attorney, and she had a file on me.

Like, literally, like a, you know, they have a video-sized file.

And she called me up and said that it was like, like, this artist, like, my brother came to visit me.

And, like, everyone's like, and I'm laughing at it now.

If you've heard this and you're fairly new, I get it.

It sucks, and hopefully you'll get through it.

And then maybe you can speak about how funny it was, you know, a few years later.

She called me up.

And it was that night in Kansas City.

She called me up the next day, and she's like, my brother took a flight to come see me.

I'm like, hey, man, I love you so much, but you're an alcoholic.

And I'm like, are you kidding me?

I'm like, what are you doing flying?

I go, you're just as bad as me.

I'm like, I just had so much anger and resentment.

My sister called me.

She's like, hi, Brennan, how are you?

I'm like, I'm not doing so well.

It sucks, and, you know, all this stuff.

And we did it.

It was awful.

You know, it was awful.

I was made at 20.

I was, like, 27.

And, you know, it was, you know, this is definitely a family disease.

I was married for 17 years.

But those first couple of years, you know, my ex-wife had a really hard time with it

because there was mental illness and drinking and all that stuff.

So my sister's like, hey, so have you been trying to kill yourself last week?

You know, like, seriously, like, it was just a note in her file.

Yes, that's correct, counselor.

So here's what I'm going to do.

I've got a ticket for you and Martha.

You're going to fly with me at the same time.

And tomorrow night, I'm going to pick you up in L.A.

She lives in Studio City.

And then you're going to go to the therapy.

And she literally just, it was literally like, you know, she just took notes.

And I'm like, and she goes, can you please give me the address of where you work and who, you know, who this is?

And that's what happened.

She just tendered away at my label of resignation.

I got out to, you know, Studio City.

You guys know in Studio City, I think it's between maybe Colfax, that handy car wash, that big, huge hand.

She lived, like, right above it.

On Bailey Avenue.

And so I didn't really know California much.

My sisters went to USC.

And I watched around.

It was not a $200.

So I, you know, I was all dialed in.

So she took care of me, you know.

She took me to a therapist.

And the therapist, we talked a little bit about my mental illness.

And we talked about ways that I could get help.

We talked about what happened to me.

And the first thing he said was, I need to go to AA as well.

You know, I can't.

I can't treat you because you can do some of this stuff and you just can't.

You have to be sober.

And you have to go to meetings.

And my sister was, like, just so awesome.

And she took me to my first meeting.

It's not my part of the meeting.

The church, though, they have meetings all the time there.

I was together.

I was, I came up to the meeting.

It was like this.

Like, you walk in and there's so many people there.

I'm happy to see you.

I was like this.

It was literally like in the back.

Like, I was on the threshold.

Foot in and one foot out.

And somebody came up to me.

And she was like, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Just like 20 people here did and said, hey, how you doing?

There's a seat right there.

You know?

And that started for me the journey of, you know, basically what happened after that was

I went to that meeting.

I saw a couple of other men that came up to me.

And people just started taking me to meetings.

They started taking me all over the place.

And I didn't know that's what we did.

I do it all the time now.

I mean, now I know that's just what we do.

And I thought, I honestly thought it was like God's looking out for me.

You know, like, oh, my God.

This is crazy.

It was, you know, it was like a spiritual awakening.

But it was for me.

It really was.

Like, I was walking to a meeting once.

And some dude pulled up and said, hey, I saw you at the meeting.

Let me give you a ride.

And that, honestly, you don't have to have some big, big, big white light experience.

That was God.

You know, that was my higher power doing for me what I couldn't do for myself through

men like you.

I mean, this is, for me, this is God.

To see men so well.

Mending families.

Mending relationships.

Going to work on time.

And being productive members of society.

That's what, that's what this is all about.

You know?

And so, I started building my first home.

It was a med stack.

It was the, it was the, what the heck is the name of it?

I didn't write the name of it.

Maybe that's why I forgot.

Yeah.

It was a gathering of men.

I'm like, really?

This is like, wait a minute.

That's, that's, that's ingenious.

A gathering of men.

Like, what are we?

What are we?

Boats?

Like, what are we?

Boats?

Boats?

Boats?

Boats?

Like, up in the mountains?

Anyway, that meeting saved my life.

I found my sponsor there.

I started working the steps.

And the first thing I did was I went to be of service with my sponsor.

He said, come to my house.

We're having a party.

I need your help.

He didn't give me a ride.

I had to take a bus.

And he, I was in Studio City.

He was in Burbank.

Had no idea how the bus system worked.

Whatever.

So, I did that.

I got home.

I was so living house after 60 days.

And I was like, I'm going to be a part of this.

I'm going to be a part of this.

I'm going to be a part of this.

I'm going to be a part of this.

And got a job at Play It Against Boats in Studio City.

Sharpening skates.

I used my professional hockey career to really good use by sharpening skates.

It was.

I could tell you anything you needed about hockey gear.

That was, that was cool.

And that would be five bucks an hour.

And, don't you know I was a former athlete and a professional in business.

And I was a salesman.

And I was a salesman.

And I was a salesman.

And I was a salesman.

And I was a salesman.

And I was a salesman.

And I was a salesman.

But I was a salesman.

I was a salesman.

But I was a salesman.

I was talking to my sponsor and I asked him for help

so if you're new here you've kind of asked for help at kind of a spiritual level I don't know

what got you here maybe it's a quote card maybe somebody said you need to be here maybe you got

a problem you need help that was the hardest thing for me to do to ask for help you know

because it started with a young age in the family there was no way I was going to ask for help or

tell anybody anything and that's you know that's gotten a lot better um so I started going to that

meeting it met every day at 7 30 I was working at play against sports working my steps every day

because I was taking a bus so again you may not look at that as a spiritual experience but if I

wasn't taking the bus a half hour two times a day I wouldn't have been writing my step work

my sponsor was the autobiographical kind when I was writing he said pen to paper is just really

visceral and I totally believe that um so I was able to write write write write write write

and so in the middle of service answering phones many times we're supposed to answer phones it's

like you're

coming with me I go well I don't have six months like you're supposed to have six months to answer

phones he goes get in the car you dumbass you know like you can probably tell these guys when

you could ever tell them and I was on other panels like that too but what ended up happening is I

started to become um I had a relationship with God um I love religion I think religion is awesome

I think anything I can do to enhance our spiritual life whatever that may look like um for me my

journey is about their spiritual life and I think that's what I'm going to do for the rest of my life

you know I call God but it's a spiritual thing AA is is is really my religion because that's you

know how I you know that's where I get the most gratitude and so doing these things and slowly but surely I'm in a situation where

I got a phone call from like the main guy this meeting this guy's name was Edward he's he's no longer with us

Hardcore good selling thumping people through to Attica prison for years and years and the guy's the sweetest God and I mean like literally, he's not gonna make it to the funeral

He's like ugh I'm like ugh I'm not gonna make it to the funeral

for years and years, and the guy's the sweetest guy ever.

He called me, and he'd be like,

and I'm like, come on, man.

He basically didn't call people their names

until we were six months old, you know?

It was pretty funny because it was,

I wouldn't do that, but it was like an endowment thing,

and I left the meeting early, and he called me.

He's like, are you okay?

Like, why'd you leave the meeting?

So then he would come in at the end,

and I missed the meeting.

He goes, hey, what's up?

I was like, it was GSR, actually.

I mean, it looks like this meeting participates in all that.

GSR was not my jam.

It was not.

He goes, that was a good thing.

You're going to be three years old when you're done.

Three years old, you've got to be real.

I felt like it was right on.

That's at Sunhood.

Thank you so much for volunteering.

But that kind of stuff, for me,

really was my foundation.

I had solid men in the program.

I had a sponsor.

I worked my steps.

And if you're new, I went to a step study meeting

on Saturdays from 10 to 11, and it was on the fifth step.

And one of the things my sponsor did

that he took such great care with,

he said, just start it.

And don't worry about the guys that are new.

Don't worry about it.

But he just said, just write stuff down, you know,

and get it out, you know.

What we're trying to do is just, you know,

and you may not even know some of the biggest things,

or some of the biggest secrets,

or some of the things that are right in front of your face.

You may not even address,

because you may not be able to.

Just stutter.

Just start writing.

And when I met for my fifth step,

it was like,

I was already having a two-month event on a back-to-back fee.

I was, I'm like, seriously?

And the thing that he did,

I was so scared, you know.

I didn't want to tell him some of these things, you know.

I didn't, I was just so ashamed about some stuff,

and there was a lot of people I hurt.

I just ran roughshod over my family.

I can only imagine.

I have two daughters.

They're 17 and 15.

I can only imagine.

I can only imagine what my mom and dad must have felt like

when I was in a hospital,

and they, they knew that it was an attempted suicide,

and that happened twice.

You know, I could only imagine, you know, what, you know,

what that must have been like for them.

And so, it's, for, you know, I mean, for me, it was really,

it was really, to just try to let the air in with some of that stuff.

And what he did, and I'll never forget,

and I'll do it with other people, his sponsor,

he told me three things about himself that he told his sponsor.

And all of a sudden, I was disarmed.

It was an open-ended conversation.

And that man took the care to just say, me too, without saying it.

And all of a sudden, I start flying stuff out, flying stuff out.

And he's like, I don't know why this has become a dissertation on my fifth step,

but I guess it's just, I can just say that I did my stuff with that man.

I've done it two more, two more times.

Most recently, seven years ago, I did it with my sponsor.

So, I'm bouncing around here a bit.

So, I mean, I got that great foundation and, as I said, I got it.

I got that great foundation.

So, I have my first daughter.

To a great neighborhood.

Things started getting good.

The same old AA story.

Stopped going to meetings.

Gave my panel at Tarzana Treatment Center.

Started going to meetings.

Half-assed.

And I blamed my, blaming my two little girls

to my meetings on my daughters

because I got to take care of them.

You know, as if there isn't an hour and 15 minutes in the day

that I could do that.

And so, standing there, you know, quickly from, and this is,

I see this as a cautionary tale.

And I also said that because of having seven years,

my life has changed so much as the result of what I did.

From five years sobering to about 16,

I had a horrible sponsor.

It was me, which is not a good sponsor.

Sponsoring yourself, God bless you.

And I was angry when I was lying and cheating

and stealing from my wife.

And I was doing things that I didn't

do when I was drunk.

I was a dry drink, which I think sometimes is worse.

It's just devastating.

And I knew what I was doing was wrong.

And I knew what I was doing was hurting other people.

Probably I knew that it was killing me, you know?

And so, from that period of time,

in 16 or 17, let's see, it was 2018.

I think it was like 2012.

I found myself at the food floor.

I remember under 20 pounds underweight, shit strewn everywhere.

And two of my friends, my AA brothers came up

and they saw me there.

And one of my buddies today said it was,

in the 28 years I've been sober,

it was the scariest thing I've ever seen, you know?

And so basically they're like, so how's it going?

I'm like, yeah, not good.

And they're like, so what's going on?

And they knew about some of my mental health stuff

and some of my suicide stuff.

And so they said, so do you want us to just take you

to the Northridge Hospital?

Or do you want to spend $750 for an ambulance?

What do you want to do?

Those are the two options.

So I went there.

And let me forget it, fast forward.

What that did for me was it allowed me to go,

I finally waved the right flag on my mental health stuff.

And there is literature, AA approved literature,

AA and medications.

There's nobody in here that are doctors.

And if anyone tells anyone what to do that's not a doctor,

you're not seeing somebody, shame on you, really.

So I got the help I needed and I got leveled out.

And I found that if I wasn't doing that, taking care of, you know,

I was going to die.

And I found that if I wasn't doing that, taking care of you,

that outside issue, that I couldn't be a sober member

of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I didn't know that, you know.

I was 16 years sober, 16 years sober at the Northridge Hospital

and a panel that you used to have put me in

and I'm the only guy with the wristband.

Like, you know, and that's, that's pitiful

and incomprehensible demoralization at 16 years old.

But I also saw that as a victory.

I stayed sober, you know, I stayed sober through it.

And I did just, I think, I think it's the absurdity, you know,

I did just, I think, I think it's the absurdity, you know,

I did just, I think, I think it's the absurdity, you know,

I think it's the obsession to drink.

So I was lucky.

I was not like my son.

I was not like my friend Blaine, who is now

at Chabad Treatment Center after five months

of drinking himself to death, being in, you know,

probably four times in the last five years.

We all know people like that.

I met my good friend, Blaine.

He committed suicide two weeks ago.

He left behind an 18-year-old daughter and a 16-year-old baby.

Don't tell me that this disease doesn't affect just you.

It just rips.

It rips through everybody.

And is this five or what?

So that in itself, when I look back at it now, was the start of a hell of a journey.

So if you're struggling, if you got three years, 10 years, 15 years, even 20 or 30 years

old.

I went to a couple of meetings, a couple of my older friends with 30 years, they just

stopped going to meetings and they died.

I mean, they just drank and died.

So it can happen to anyone just because, you know, I have 22 years, doesn't mean anything.

I mean, it does, but it doesn't.

You know, I've got a main target.

I've got to maintain my sobriety, maintain my spiritual condition.

So that was a huge thing because I started to get my little man.

I got a new sponsor.

He had two daughters, 20 years sober, just really admired this guy.

I wanted what he had.

And if you knew it doesn't matter when you first get here, just get a sponsor, you know,

reach your hand out.

We're not going to hand you a resume.

This isn't ZipRecruiter.

Just say, hey, I need some help.

Can you help me?

And we'll do it.

And so he took me through the steps the way that he was just so happy that he was going

through his steps again too.

So we did this journey and I was sponsoring a guy and then I got another sponsor and surprise

supreme is my life changed.

I started going to meetings.

I started working with my sponsor and what do you know, people want me to sponsor them.

Imagine that, you know, and since then I've been able to take four men through the steps.

I've heard four fifth steps and those of you that have done that, if you don't believe

in God or power after hearing somebody's fifth step and taking them through the steps, I

don't know.

I don't know what it is, you know, but the first sponsor, he had a really hard time with

God.

He had a really hard time with God.

Just a wonderful dude.

He was, I think he was spiritual, but he had a really hard time with this relationship

and he was forcing it.

He was trying to pray.

He was trying to do that.

And I said, Aaron, I think what's going to help you, what's really helped me is sponsoring

other men.

And the guy now he's on fire.

He sponsors two guys and it's, I told him, you know, I just said, this is what worked

for me.

And he just did it in his time.

You know, he did it, you know, when he could do it.

And so, you know, fast forward to today, my life is absolutely, it's amazing.

I did a lot of work.

I hurt a lot of women in my relationships, not just women that I went out with or was

married to.

But I hurt my sisters.

I hurt my mom and just, you know, just ring a shot by using bullshit, AA charm, telling

people what they don't, what they, you know, what they want to hear, basically people pleasing

and that kind of stuff.

I got to do it.

I got to do a ton of work on that.

And it was probably the most painful thing that I've ever done is, is I really say how

much destruction and how badly I hurt people, you know, and it's not easy when you've really

effed over some people and really messed with their minds.

And I had my mind messed with here and there too, but as a result of the work as love and

as it relates to sex, you know, the salt and pepper this way, that way, I did ideal, you

know, I had to do it.

Okay.

I had to do a six month run of celibacy.

I had to do, it's supposed to be funny.

Anyway.

You don't have to write.

I can't.

No.

Anyway.

Oh, trust you.

And I had to do a lot of writing.

I had to do a lot of, um, actually went on a date, you know, went on a couple of dates

and on the second date, I didn't get a new hat trailer and move in and tell them that,

you know, that like, oh my God, this is great.

And I met somebody at this meeting that set out together and, uh, you know, first time

I had kind of gotten through the time.

You know, I'd done my, not my penance, but I kind of did what I was supposed to do.

And, you know, I met an amazing woman and she's sober and we love each other.

She loves my daughters and we work a program.

She has her program.

I have mine.

And that's God too.

I could not do that on my own.

I couldn't.

And I could, I would never believe that my life would be like this.

I had pain in one of the hardest years financially and as a man, I had to be a provider and with

my daughters and everything, all that stuff.

To have somebody help you out, just sucks and it's hard, but I've turned the corner

on that.

But even then, having all that stuff going on in my life has never been better.

And it's because I'm sober.

Today, I meditate, I go to meetings, I work the steps, I help others and my life is just

absolutely amazing.

So, you know, if you're new here, just stick around.

Again, I want to thank everyone for their hospitality and I think that's it for me.