Finding Faith Through Family: Veronica's Journey

So, my name is Veronica and that's my spirit here in AA, and it's okay, everything works out, and I'm a really good client, so it was really good to be here, it was Friday, December 1st, 2005, I'm a sponsor, my name is Stephanie E., and my mom's in the Pacific League, so I just had a great day this month, I'm 14, and I will stay here this month, and something's working, if something wasn't working, I'm happy to be here, okay?

So, and my friend John Lincoln said, he spoke here last week, and I read this line, and I'm like, why would you invite John, because all he does is come and talk to us.

Meeting with me, I met Susan on my first year of sobriety, and she was so kind to me, because my experience was, if you don't know them, they're really kind to everyone, so it really just warms my heart to relate to them, or wait on them.

So, Matt, Susan, and after a little bit, I brought John in to take over, and he was a very hitting friend of mine, and he was 4-year-old, and had 2 brothers, and I used to normally grow my bed in my household, it was very crowded, and everything was so new, and she and my daughter and I were sisters,

and my first resentment was that my father was 6-2 years older than my mom, and my first name was probably my mother.

Hmm.

Yeah.

My dad, before he met my mom, he was married and had four kids in his group.

And then in between, he had a two-year-old daughter who wasn't home.

So then my mom, before I was, there was a lot of them.

And so my dad was kind of best friends with his mom.

His mom, her, was, and her name was Robbie.

And I love her.

She was an only child.

And when I used to ask him to do, like, dinner, he would go to me and record something for us.

And so I said, and, um, about time, you know, everyone knows, you know, it's just you made it here.

And so, yeah, just, it's really chaotic in my life.

You know, that's how it felt, like, in my head.

It's a lot of joy.

You don't think it's fine.

And I always feel a little different.

So I remember one summer, Christmas summer.

And I had a baby.

And I needed to go in there because, you know, we weren't going to the Christmas party.

And I felt so, you know, coming from L.A.

But Mexico is really far over there.

So I didn't want to do so much time over there.

And I remember, um, so I have a aunt who's a religious woman.

And she was from a very big place where, like, women had to wear skirts and, like, wear makeup.

And so, um, so that church was based in Mexico.

So we spent this summer in Mexico.

So we must have been, like, 11 or 10 years old.

And, um.

We were doing, like, going to church every other day.

And, um.

And I remember one day, I don't know if I was 20 or 20, but, like, someone from church.

And, um, I just remember being in the bathroom.

I don't know if I was in the bathroom.

And I just remember crying uncontrollably at that moment.

Um, I can't tell you, but I just really felt close to a higher power.

And I didn't know, you know, what that was all about.

But later on, at 7 o'clock, I was like, no, no, I'm not going to go to church.

You know, it feels like, you know.

But I'm going to go.

But anyway, so, um, so I was really scared of my aunt.

She was pretty rigid.

And then I had another aunt that, uh, was a Tijuana.

And she's a fan.

She was pretty new, right?

She got caught with a little drug.

And so, she's my fun aunt.

So I have a mean aunt.

And so my mom, my mom would take her to Tijuana.

And so my aunt used to do drugs.

And so, and so, from her mind, I like to see the thing going on.

She would.

And she would give me an iPhone, which was my signal that she had some lines lined up

for me in the bathroom.

And so I started coming with my hands and moving with her.

And that's kind of how I got introduced to her.

My mom never knew.

Never knew.

And we could only be pretty nine months old.

Um, so we stayed home.

And so, you know, that's what we were on.

And so then she was there.

So now it's a danger.

And I said, like, I'm going to check out.

I just feel like.

But don't.

So it started to get me.

I'm getting.

And that was, excuse me.

Maybe I'm getting all this energy.

And I lost a lot of my attention from school.

And then I went back to the doctor.

And I was like, oh, I'm so devastated.

You know, like, oh, my God, I'm going to have to do this again.

And, um, I don't know how I was sort of holding it in high school.

I think it's sort of going to a lot of different parties.

But don't you know, like, we're doing a lot of good stuff.

It's easier to get a hold of it.

Um, when I was a teenager.

Wow.

And so.

It kind of set the scene for me.

You know, like, where's the next party?

What's the next party?

I don't want to find out.

You know, so the results.

I dropped out of high school.

And I dropped out of high school.

I just couldn't show up.

I couldn't show up.

I couldn't show up.

I couldn't show up.

I couldn't show up.

I couldn't drive.

I couldn't show up.

And then also at the same time, I got a job.

Like Nancy mentioned.

I got a job.

I was pretty young.

And, uh, like, I always worked.

You know, I made my own money.

I was pretty good at my job.

But I couldn't keep my own company.

And so, um, now when I was, like, 20 years old, I started to fly.

I was, like, at two points.

And I blacked out.

I was somewhere like in Rosemead.

And I got a stop sign.

And, uh, and then I just remember, like, crying uncontrollably in the cop car.

Thinking I was going to cry my way out of this.

And I just remember, like, living in jail.

I didn't go to jail.

I was in jail.

I was in jail.

And, um, my brother and my sister.

And, um, and I was living at my home.

And, um.

I just remember feeling, like, like I lost his love that day.

Or his respect.

Or, like, something I should do that day for me.

You know?

Um, that was just me.

Just double the AA meeting.

I had never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous before.

And so, I remember going up to AA.

I was loaded.

I didn't want to get sober.

If you're in here on a car, you can find me on a car.

If I was in that van, I would probably win.

Because I had no intention of winning.

No, I had no intention of winning.

So, um, my sister made us go out for the first time.

We went to the fourth house meeting.

And I was experienced with AA.

I can't tell you much about the meetings I've been part of at this moment.

But then I, so, I just kept partying.

And so, I'm still in it with my mom.

And so, I hated living with my mom.

I said to myself, it's the first Tuesday night I'm willing to marry Ellen Carey.

I love her.

I think I love her.

And so, um, that's what I did.

So, um, that was just really nice.

We got married.

It's good.

But, um, before we got married.

So, so, there came a point in my life where I thought I would be drunk at it.

I was using, like, crystal meth in the morning.

And then, and then I would have to, like, either smoke pot or drink at night.

Then, like, calm down.

And I would go.

Right?

So, I wanted to leave then.

Sometimes I would just pray, like, don't overshoot the mall.

You know, I would, like, do too much.

I would get home from work.

And if I wanted, like, to, you know, do more lines, then forget it.

I would go for a day.

So, I would, like, struggle.

Right?

So, at one point, I thought I was a drug addict.

So, I said to myself, I'm going to get a job with the airlines.

I'm going to film a Friday night.

I'm going to do my first job test.

Do you know what the question is about?

Let's connect.

Let's connect.

And so, um, I did that.

I got a job with the airlines.

I was on the internet.

I remember I got the letter.

I remember they were telling me they were going to drug test me.

They told me to get all the drugs.

I did my first 30 days.

I got all the drugs.

But that's when my other home was in progress.

You know, that's when I just started doing all the drugs.

So, it doesn't matter when I miss.

I, I have a, I have a spiritual mouth.

I have a hole inside me that I want to just feel it.

Like, do I have to go home?

It doesn't matter to me.

You know, I, I didn't know that I had, I had something inside me.

I know now what it is.

You know, that, you know, I'm going to go home.

I didn't feel that hole.

I don't know how I feel that hole today.

But, back then, I didn't know.

I just felt, like, really disconnected from the world.

And so, I started drinking every day.

And I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would,

I would empty out the bottle.

And I remember one night, there was a changing crew and I couldn't steal the alcohol on the

place, or whatever.

And I remember going to the motel room and there was no alcohol.

No alcohol anywhere, hotel room, no bar

And I stayed up all night thinking about when I was going to get married

It was like, it was like, crazy that I was going to get married

Because, you know, towards the end, all I was thinking about, like, when I was going to get married

I was going to get on this plane, you know, fly to Japan

And I stayed up all night thinking about getting married

So, like I said, I got married very, very soon

I thought that I was going to be, um, get married and move to the Valley

And so, uh, what happened towards the end, I thought I was going to get married

And so, you know, two book trips, also, um, for Joe

I didn't become a loved one, and I said, you know, I cannot have any liquor in my house

I was, I was just, I was going to go, you know, I didn't make it in my house

Because now I'm just, you know, I'm kind of about to black out

You know, I'm not even thinking, because now, social life, you know, I'm beginning to black out

So, um, the two book trips were the end, and so

And what happened was I started getting sick of liquor, you know

Like, I started having all the problems with my thoughts again

I was afraid, uh, drooling

I had a really awful hangover

You know, I was like, I don't know

So, as a result, I went to see a doctor

Like, I just felt things changing in my body

I couldn't drive long distances

That was really different

So, I went to see a doctor

And I got full physical and full blood work

And she said my liver enzymes levels were really elevated

And that I was too young to have such elevated levels

And she wanted me, like, okay

She was like, you know, like, all of this stuff

It was all just kind of, like, liver.

Like 30 years old

And stuff like that, my entire life, you know

But, like, deep down inside I just, I knew, I had false behaviors

You know, I didn't know what to do again

You know, and now I got really afraid

Oh, she's crazy

I was like, I'm like, I'm gonna die

I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die

I don't know, like, there's a lot of things going on

And I didn't know what to do

And I didn't remember being in that care while I was on the self-care team

I thought, you know, you have to take care of this baby

So then I went and met with the doctor and he was like, okay, well, you know, you have a, your heart will never, your liver can fight with like a 50-year-old person, either in your living room or in your home, so he asked me how much I was drinking, and I didn't have to tell him how much, and I was so embarrassed, and I was so scared, and anyway, he said, you can't do nothing, and I said, yeah, because I was too good, no problem, and so I remember going home, telling my husband, like, I'm going to go to rehab, and my husband and I, we have a perfect situation,

since he worked 3 p.m., so when I tell him that, he's like, oh, he's already fucked up, but he didn't really know how much I was drinking, and so when I came home, and I said, I'm going to, I think I need to go to rehab, and the doctor was like, okay, so he was like, I think you're over, I think you're over, that's really not what I'm saying, so I said, okay, well, I'll see you at my college, and I said, okay, I'll see you at my college, and so when I saw the psychologist, and by a couple of our visits, he said, it's just good to meet about how much I'm going to have to visit, so I mean, I had totally forgotten,

like, we were earlier, I think I went to AA before, so it seems like by next week, I'll want you to report back to me, tell me how the meeting was, even tell me what meeting was, so I'm going to do a meeting, and so I remember I drove to the meeting, and I parked, I couldn't go inside, I could not walk inside, and I heard you guys singing happy birthday, and I was like, what are you doing there?

I was so afraid.

A couple of days later, I woke up to this. This is how I actually walked in. There was a woman, too, and it was terrible for me. She said that she was going through that thing, and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. That, for me, felt hopeful for the first time, and I felt, well, maybe this is going to be real. And so I wondered what she was going to do to help me get out of that.

And so my whole life, I was so sick and tired of her being like this, and I was really desperate, really desperate for her to help me, and I just wanted her to go away, right? So that's what started my journey here. And I'm really grateful that I was so desperate, because I was willing to do it somebody else's way.

And, you know, if you are new, I hope you're desperate, and I hope you're willing to get a sponsor and do it somebody else's way, you know, because my way certainly wasn't working out.

So that started my journey here.

And I remember going.

I went home.

It was a new meeting.

I went home.

I said, you know, I don't know.

I can't tell you what happened.

I mean, I just don't want to go back there.

I didn't want to drink for a while.

I didn't think about drinking for a while, you know?

And so we used to have a relationship.

I don't know.

I don't think we knew what I was going to do.

You can go to the bank.

Out of my mind.

Out of my mind.

I have never been that uncomfortable in my life, you know?

The thing for me was, like, I have a cat.

I have a living problem.

That's my problem, you know?

I don't know how to raise children.

So I used alcohol as my condition for many, many years.

You know, I don't want people to hate me because I'm a rapist.

I'm a postal disorder.

Well, everything was a trick.

Everything was like a first time.

So I throw these around here.

I found a sponsor.

She just happened to be part of the Pacific group.

And I had never heard of the Pacific group.

All I know is that I was told to get a Friday day home group and a sponsor.

That's all I know.

So that's what I did.

So she laid it out for me.

She told me what to do.

I had regular meetings.

I'm a regular meeting.

One night, I went to Stephanie's place, because every day is when I want to show up.

And I was told to call three women every day from Boston.

For every woman that was going through the meeting, I'd be hitting the door.

These women are the ones that make the major decisions.

I'm on step by her.

I was told to call her every day.

I did not really know how to utilize a sponsor when I was male.

I did not know how to be honest with a sponsor.

I was never really honest.

It was just practice.

I found them to be a good friend.

They're not really the Pacific people that we came together.

But the way that my son helped me was, like, I would do what his father would do for my sister, though.

And I was saying to him, you know, because I don't really want to disappoint my sponsor.

And I kind of wanted to, you know, today.

I think that I, from my equal side, I think that I would do what Stephanie would do for me.

I was with a friend.

I mean, it doesn't matter, like, a friend or a sponsor.

So I got a friend, and we started doing AA together.

And my husband was so supportive.

God bless him.

He was like, go do what you need to do.

All right.

So it was good.

It's been a long time since all of you together.

And on the days where I didn't want to go to meetings, he would encourage me to show up.

And on the days you don't want to go, like, I would encourage him to go.

And that's something that we helped each other a lot.

Like, you know, big time.

Thank you.

And, like, she also had commitments, you know.

When you're at tour, and you're, like, sick with the winners, the winners are the ones that are, like, a commitment.

The ones that show up.

Those are the ones that we both have commitments.

It was Stephanie and me, I think, and my group and Stephanie.

So I just kind of, you know, I really tried not to get too kind of, you know, forced up.

You know, the sponsor was just like, just write it.

Just write it.

You know, only kind of the little things.

So I think that I did my big step.

And then I just started carrying it to learn about the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I started learning to look at this, where it's easy.

Quality of life.

Thank you.

You know, I have been in this school in my life.

So I get to choose today.

Because I have a lot of good examples.

So I started working a step.

I started finding them in my life.

And three years sober, I was feeling really good.

I had just started, like, home out of my life.

I started to get color in my life.

I feel like, you know, I feel like the first three years.

She was four days, right?

And I remember when my first year of sobriety was when my husband and my other one,

he's not working.

I was like, how the hell am I going to help?

You know, I'm a successful human.

And I remember, like, my first year of sobriety, like, it was six months ago.

We had, like, three plants.

We were in a current.

Don't come on there.

Mexico.

I didn't want to go.

I didn't want to go.

Be along with her.

Don't talk to her.

Get by.

I didn't want to talk to her.

I don't want to talk to her.

And she was like, why?

Come on.

I was so uncomfortable.

I made a change.

And it wasn't the hotel room.

It was me.

I was so comfortable inside.

You know, I was so comfortable.

Every time I turned, there was, like, three alcohols.

And there was no, like, thing that was going to happen to me.

Because my hair was just, like, crazy, you know?

But, you know, I got through it sober.

And those are, like, little things that I just kind of remember.

Where, like, I had to just act like I was working like that, you know?

And because, in your example,

you know, the old-timers, I knew, like, that they can say the word.

So that's kind of how I got into sobriety in my first couple of years.

And, like, third year of sobriety, I started to, like,

I started to enjoy being a very kind, divine boy.

You know?

Like, that's when I discovered, like,

that's where I really started to fall in, you know?

And so that was really important for me.

I did a lot of, like, falling in love.

And then, three years, I realized, like, I was really unhappy.

I had mentioned to my manager that I was just going to marry you.

And he went to, like, just take me out of the house, right?

And so I remember telling my sponsor,

like, I'm really happy, but I'm really unhappy.

Like, I just didn't want to be around him anymore.

I was sanitizing, and I got in a room.

I knew I'd never have to sanitize, and I got to stand in a room.

And for a long time, I kind of, like, that kept me going, you know?

And so I had a lot of help in there.

And so my sponsor was like,

okay, you have to finish all your steps, including here and there.

No, I won't do that.

I'm happy.

And so I'm going to enjoy doing this right now.

Okay.

So she helped me.

Let me.

I'm going to walk through that with ways and dignity.

I remember, like, she helped me with finding work.

I remember we had a Dodger game.

You know, we had a plan to go to the Dodger game.

And I called her, and I said, hey, you know,

we're going to do a Dodger game.

Can I do it after?

You know, it's not the right time.

Can I do it after?

And she goes, I think that's never going to be the right time.

It's all through, you know.

And then I thought, like, God was going to punish me.

God was going to punish me.

She's like, no, you have, like, a higher power.

That's not punishing.

No, no.

So I just went on faith.

Because I felt like a big fraud, you know.

I felt like I was, now I'm feeling like I'm just using her for potential reasons.

You know, I can't afford to live like that.

It's over.

And when I was new, I remember, like, I would meet these women and look like,

they're in apartments and self-supporting.

That's what I wanted.

Show me how to be an adult, you know, and not depend on it.

Because I lived with my mom, and then I got married.

And so I've always been taken care of.

I never know if I felt this way or not.

No, because I had no skills.

I don't care.

So I got through that divorce.

I was really kind.

I did it with grace and dignity.

My sponsor told me to walk away and ask for nothing.

He's like, he was such a good man to me.

We were like, you're out for her.

So that's what I did.

So I asked my sister who was a lawyer to help me through this divorce.

And she said, you know, Monica, we know you can get married.

You know, you can't accept it.

Like, okay, this is your win.

And so because I did that, I felt really good about how I walked away, you know.

And my sponsor.

She just kept reassuring me, like, you are taking care of this thing.

And so I walked away from her, and I just said, it's over.

Hey, all right, I trust.

I'm going to trust.

And that's what I did.

And so I remember the same day I told him, I was leaving.

I told my, I called my sister.

She wanted me to live upstairs, and then she told him downstairs.

I was like, no, I have to, like, fully leave all this now.

And so I called my sister.

And everybody loved him, too.

My whole family loved him.

And my sister.

I called my sister, and I said, hey, I do select letters.

Can I take your home?

She was like, no.

You can stay here as long as you need to.

And that's how I did it.

I drove to my sister's house, and then she put me there.

After I entered, I could rent a room from her, because she lived by the beach.

And I was working at LAX, you know, as a flight attendant.

And I had a perfect arrangement, right?

And so she let me rent a room from her.

And I was, like, six years sober now.

And I was going to leave, right?

And so I did a lot of work.

I started to use my domicile.

And I would go.

I had a problem with a guy who lived in Cleveland, Texas, Sweden.

So I went to Sweden.

With the intentions of going to A&M.

So I got nice to be in a meeting there because of this guy.

And because the proof of that would come out every year.

And so I made friends with him.

And then he would always joke.

And I'm like, oh, can I be there one day?

And so I started to travel by myself.

And I was so terrified.

And I was like, that would go anyway.

And I had so many little goshdots.

And I started traveling.

And my sister, though, I thought I hadn't done living in a relationship.

I thought I was going to be a good roommate.

I thought I was going to be my best friend.

I was even on weekends to go see my mom and my wife.

And I would be at a meeting every day.

But my sister, I had a couple of months.

She said to me, I want you to start dating.

I said, why can't you just tell me?

I was so excited.

She totally hurt me.

I was so hurt.

I was so hurt.

I was hoping for her to call me back.

I was hoping to be there.

I was like, okay, I'll be there.

I was like, okay, I'll be there.

I was like, okay, I'll be there.

And I was like, oh, my God.

I said he couldn't be there for a couple of months.

He's like, it's your deposit.

So I got it.

I got over it.

I started looking at the parts.

I went off to AA.

I invited my friends from AA.

I had no clue.

I had no idea what was going on.

So we went to the department.

We got another girl from Alcoholics Anonymous to come with me to find the one.

I was like shaking when I was playing.

I had never paid rent before.

So I brought her with me to find it, and I looked into my name tag, and I remember what my sister did for me is that that's what God did for me what I did for myself.

Because when you look at me, I find the things I still believe in there.

So everything has been for me.

God did it for me right now.

God was speaking to me.

And so I got my claim.

Now I'm really glad to be alive.

I'm self-supporting.

I'm going to meetings.

I've got an apartment on the west side.

I want to come to my meeting.

I'm feeling really good.

And then I'm at a meeting, and I see this really cute guy.

I don't know anything about him, but I said, he's going to be my boyfriend.

I don't know anything about him.

Turns out he's a chronic relapser.

But you know what?

I mean, I can't explain how cool I am.

I just can't help it.

And so I remember trying to get him to stay.

And I remember telling my sponsor.

I told my sponsor, here I started being so-and-so.

And she goes, well, do you want me to stay?

You can't see him.

That was really, you know, a little extreme.

And so I called her the following week, and I thanked her for sponsoring me.

I took my vote back.

That was on me.

I remember my sponsor calling me.

And he told me, well, not that he sponsored me.

He told me, I told her, I said, look, I'm not going to take your suggestions at all.

And so she said, okay, am I only for justice?

And I said, no, we need to get it.

Just don't do it.

And so he didn't get voted.

And he was like, oh, this is really scary.

You know, he was like, oh, I'm going to get a place.

And then he was like, drink.

And then he would lose everything.

And then, you know, and so that was, that was, I just ignored the red flag.

I ignored the red flag.

But I just got my will.

So that was like, you know, so I finally ended up with that.

And then we realized I was going to go with him.

And he was a really good guy.

And he didn't like my home group.

He didn't like me meeting him.

He was just being a stone.

Of course he didn't like me.

You know, you guys are so over happy.

You know, and it was really making me feel good about myself.

So finally, after two years, I'm like, oh, he's here with me.

But it was like a weird day.

Thank God, you know, until he moved back to the parents.

Yeah, God didn't hurt me, but it was so hard, you know.

And so, but you know what, though, that experience really is what gave me so much compassion.

Like, now I have so much compassion for, you know, because I suffered.

And I just do that.

And I'm just like, I don't know.

And it's like, it seems like I've gotten enough pain to like connect to my number one motive.

The good thing about pain is I think it's getting up in the morning.

It doesn't go anywhere.

So I got to know a little bit about what happened there.

And so today I'm still flying for the airline.

And so much of work is like, I feel better than I feel.

Because I work with the public.

And this is the way, you know.

I go to a lot of meetings.

Like, I come here so that I can get energized with my life.

Really about that.

So I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like.

I'm out there in the real world, you know.

And I apply the principles in my life, you know.

I recently started dating again, which, you know, it's so hard.

Even though the character games have come out.

But the good thing is, it's like, now when you see the red flags, it's like, oh, wait.

Now it's been a few years.

Like, I mean, it's been a while.

You know what I mean?

And it's still not fun, though.

But I know that short-term pain will often have my benefits long-term.

You know, that's why, like, I went to a people's work today.

You know, like.

I love being sober.

I love how good I feel.

I think that's the best way to say it.

You know, that's because I'm in the middle.

I'm in the middle of a new life.

I'm in the middle of a new thing.

I want to do it my own way.