Finding Hope Through Fellowship: Terimarie's Journey

Hi, my name is Terimarie. I am an alcoholic. Hi, Terimarie.

Hi, thanks for having me out. Thank you, Oscar for asking me. Thanks. I'm grateful

that you were in that meeting that I was in in January. It was like the first Tuesday

of the new year. I showed up double fisted. I'm in the right place. And it's um, that

was the first meeting I walked in first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I walked into 20

20 years ago. So it was a really special place to meet you. Thank you for having me out. And it's

really nice to see a lot of familiar faces. I kind of got confused because I thought I'd been

here before. But you guys, I thought I was at Life's In Session. Okay. And this is an adorable

little hall. Thank you. It's very sweet. I don't know all the details of how it spun off,

but I'm glad you did. I don't know. That's principles before personalities, which is nice.

I was freezing when I got here. And now I get up here. And Luann, right? Luann asked me,

are you nervous? And I'm like, I'm not really nervous. I just don't like to be treated special.

I know. I don't like to be different. You know, when I showed up, you guys had a parking space

for me. I'd rather just park, you know. And I only tell you that because when I got to you,

my sobriety date is April 20th, 1990.

1998. When I got to you, that was very different. You know, I thought God created me

for all of you to enjoy. I really thought that I was God's, you know, that expression.

God's, you know, I was, you know, a gift here. But that has been smashed here. And I only tell

you that it's none of my making. It's all Alcoholics Anonymous. It's doing these things

that I don't want to do, but I do them anyway. It's not my, some people really enjoy speaking,

I don't enjoy it, but I know it's necessary. You know, it's a gift. God gave me the gift of

sobriety. And I really think it's the gift back. My sobriety is the gift back. I give back to God

because he's working. He's using me as an example to show somebody. My job up here today is to give

somebody some new hope. You know, when I walked into an Alcoholics Anonymous, there was a woman

named Sharon, and I was 90 days sober, not drinking, and I could not believe.

I was so hopeless when I got to you. And I couldn't believe there was a woman up here

dressed nicely and talking and sharing her experience, strength, and hope. And I couldn't

believe where she had been and what has become of her, you know, and that gave me the hope,

you know, and that's my job up here is just to give, you know, somebody some, and to the person

who's still suffering. You know, there are people who, I was talking to Manny, you know, I, Manny

and I got sober in the same group. Lisa, nice to see you. You know, I forget. I've been around for

a little while. I still feel like a newcomer.

I really do. I'm around people who are 50, 60 years sober, and I really feel like a newcomer,

which is good. I always hope I remain humble. I tell you my sobriety date because that is my

first sobriety date, and I pray it's my last. I am not a part-time AA member. I am a full-time

member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have never taken time off. I have done every single thing

that is asked of me, not always willingly, but I've done it in Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes. Thank

you to the people who have supported me. I'm a part-time AA member. I am a full-time member of

Alcoholics Anonymous. I am a part-time AA member. I am a full-time AA member. I am a full-time AA member.

I am a part-time AA member. I am a full-time AA member. I am a full-time AA member. I am a full-time AA member.

two 10-minute speakers, Bridget and John C. Yeah, that's a big deal. You know, and when I hear

you guys, it makes me, you know, it teaches me that I forget to remember. I forget to remember

because my life is so good. I forget to remember how bad it was. And I only got it like a quick

half hour to tell you what it was used to be like, what happened, what I'm trying to be like today.

I do have a home group it's the Serenity Gals in Thousand Oaks I've been there for 13 years

and then the first first six years of my sobriety was on the west side Pacific Group and Bellflower

it was a committed meeting I always have commitments at all my meetings it just it's

how I'm trained I even said to Scott tonight thank you thank God I'm trained and I don't debate

because I wanted to stay home tonight well I know it was cold I wanted to stay home I've been you

know I'm a manager of my son's soccer team I was out playing soccer all day with them and

I went you know I was the valley twice today but I just I'm from Simi Valley I live in Simi Valley

I've been there for 20 years same address same phone number I know that that's shocking I only

tell you because it's shocking to me because I can never stay put I was born and raised in

Middletown New York back east I spent half my life there and now I spent half my life out here

my first drink I met a Deanna here tonight and my

first drink I met a Deanna here tonight and my first drink I met a Deanna here tonight

my first drink I met a Deanna here tonight and my first drink I met a Deanna here tonight

strength with my best friend from first grade. I was nine years old. And I remember it like it was

yesterday. It was in the east, we have rec rooms downstairs and they have shaggy rugs. And her

parents, they were big, big, you use the word partiers, you know, that's an older, but they

were entertainers. They had a business, they like to entertain. They came from a big, I call them

the Brady Bunch family. They had some three girls, three boys, big family. And they just were

really happy. You know, I came in and it was the Brady Bunch family. So when we went there,

the bar was downstairs, and it was those mirrored bars. And my house was the complete opposite. My

mom is Puerto Rican. And my dad is Irish. Well, actually, very American Irish. And

not a good mix. If you're any if you're familiar with Latins, they do have

a they do have a temper. Yeah. And and my mama. I'm not judging. I'm just giving you the

information. My mama, her name is Carmen. You know, she's from that she came to she came to

New York when she was four. She comes from her family, there was 11 brothers and sisters.

And it just was my dad really liked to drink. He was a bartender at night and my mom,

she liked to fight. So you know, it was a really when he would come home drunk. It was just it

my friend Deanna's house. It was safe there. Everyone was having fun. So that night, I said,

I'm staying at Deanna's house. I went downstairs into the bar and her brother and my older brother,

Mickey and John were friends. And they go, What do you want to drink? Now? I don't know. I'm sure

some of you guys have kids. And when I tell this story, when my son was nine, I go, I just can't

imagine picking up a drink at nine years old. But I remember he poured a Seagram seven and a ginger

ale. And I just knocked it, you know, and I don't know, people get up here and I wish I

could be so elegant, eloquent. They're like, my fingers, you know, nothing really what happened

for me is just, I just knew that I wanted to do it again. I just, it kind of settled that like,

you know, like, it's okay. You know, my dad screaming and beating my mom is okay, or just

not having what Deanna had. She had a loving, you know, her father's name was Cy and the mother was

Marilyn. They loved each other. They kissed each other. You know, they were, they were women and

they were men. And I just

didn't have that. So when I had that, I had two of those drinks, I got a little tipsy. I didn't

become a daily drinker, you know, but I just knew it was fun. And it gave me that ease and comfort

that I just needed. I needed, you know, and I did that. I was, I was one of those children that you

could be, it says it in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, that dual, you can maintain a certain

image, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, right? And that's how I was. I was a really good student. I was a

really good athlete. I was voted, you know, I was on every single,

you know, in high school, president of this, president of that. And I just maintained a really

good image on the outside. And I was well liked. I was really, and I was, I was good natured kid. I

was brought up Catholic. That's a whole nother story. We talked about that in my book study last

night about God. And I was, you know, I was baptized. I made my confirmation and I was taught

really good things about God. You know, I had some sort of, I mean, Johnny says it, my son's

namesake. Deep down in every child's life, I was a good kid. I was a good kid. I was a good kid. I

was a good child. There's the fundamental idea of God, you know, and I did have that fundamental

idea of God. But I lost him somewhere, you know, and I was brought up like that. And I didn't become

an everyday drinker. I graduated from that high school in my hometown. I went off to college.

I didn't have any direction. You know, my mom, again, you know, a dad who beat up his mom. It's

not, they weren't planning my college or they weren't planning my future. So I went off to

college. I went to college in Boston. And I was a good kid. I was a good kid. I was a good kid. I

did drink. I did drink there. And I seemed to choose a school that was dry. You weren't, it was an

all women's private school, and you couldn't drink alcohol. Now, I don't know if that was, you know,

I was 18 years old. I can't remember if that was subconscious or starting to control and enjoy my

drinking. But all I knew in the back of my head is that maybe it'll get better. You know, maybe

just it'll get better. I don't know what it is. But off to school, I went and my parents dropped

me off. And it was fun, because then the freedom started. I wasn't at home. I had that freedom to

do whatever I wanted. And that was fun. And drinking was fun. I would still drink today.

I look at people sometimes with their martinis, you know, and especially women,

elegant, who could just control and enjoy their drinking, control and enjoy their drinking.

And I'm grateful. I'm grateful I get up here. And I'm grateful that, you know, Kathy, thank you.

She was welcoming me. I'm like, Hi, she's like,

to park. And then where's Angie? She's there she is. And she's like, trying to give me the I'm

trying to be like incognito. I don't want to park in the speakers. And she's like, this is your

parking space. I'm like, Okay. And then I meet Kathy. And, and it just makes me feel right at

home. You know, I don't want to be treated special. And you know, she's telling me, you know,

like, I relapsed. And I'm like, you know, that's what we do here. We drink, we relapse. And the

first thing I said to her is, I need to hear it is that you're not dead. You know what I mean?

Just because I have 20 years that doesn't make I'm not immune, you know, to alcohol, and I have to,

you know, our book says it, um, you know, I like the effects produced by alcohol,

but nothing will ensure my immunity than intense work with other alcoholics, you know, so I never

want to think I'm up here or down here. I'm always equal. And as soon as I see you guys, you were so

welcoming, right away, so friendly. So and, and it's funny, I put that together that the quality

of life and life is not the same. And I'm like, I don't want to be treated special. And I'm like,

I don't want to be treated special. And I'm like, I don't want to be treated special. Life's in session.

And Robin right away, Robin, I just feel at home with you guys. And,

and I never felt that where I never felt that way anywhere when I got to you, you know, and that is

also why I drank, you know, is, is to to fit in, you know, for that ease and comfort. I see women,

you know, drinking with the immunity, you know, they can drink. And when I went off to that school,

it was fun.

You know, I graduated, and then I then I got a job in Boston. And it was fun. It's a great city,

you know, when you're young, a young woman to thrive in, I am I got a job there. And I lived

there for six years. And when I got to I remember I was speaking at Bellflower, and I realized that

I never got it out here, you call it DUI. Back East, we call it DWI. And I was speaking, it was

hysterical. I was like, maybe I don't couple years. So but I just realized that I never got,

you know, any of that. And when I got to I never had a car, I did all my drinking, you know, I did

all most of my drinking in Boston, I would drink and walk. I lived right downtown, you know, and

like New York City, you have the tea, I took the tea everywhere. And I walked everywhere. You know,

but when I got to you, it was explained to me. I know, I don't know when I crossed that line. Some

people do. Some people know vividly when they cross that line. I don't know, I enjoyed my drinking. I

had a bunch of fun in Boston, I became a fitness professional, I started teaching aerobics back in

the 80s, when step aerobics came out, the leg warmers and the woo, and I found that I could,

I could quit my day job, teach a couple classes here, and make a lot of money,

right, right, and only work for a couple hours. And that was kind of, you know, I'm 23 now, 23,

24, 25. And that was like, wow, I'd rather work for two hours instead of nine hours.

Who wants to give an honest day of work, you know? And so, that's what I started doing.

So, here I am physically fit. I've always been an athlete. I really, I was physically fit. I had

like 15% body fat. And I was teaching four or five classes a day. And then I started to question,

but I would do that. And then I'd go out and drink, especially happy hours in Boston, downtown,

six to eight happy hours on the wharf. Oh, the drinks were so good. And so cheap. And that was

my MO. How could I be so happy? How could I be so happy? How could I be so happy? How could I be so

physically healthy and be an alcoholic? You know, and I did that for a while. And then I started to

notice I was waking up like today, even though I was tired in the morning, I was driving and one of

my, one of the women I sponsored was calling me and said, Teri Marie, she's trying to get this

girl, Claire, sober, and she just can't stop drinking. You know, it's been like 10 days.

And it comes to mind, like, you know, you know how sometimes you don't want to pick up the call.

And I'm taught, you know, God bless us with,

with all this, these cell phones, you know, and it's tempting to screen your calls,

but I tell all my girls, I can't, we don't screen calls. I just pick up and Shelly's like,

Teri Marie, she can't stop drinking. She can't stop drinking, you know? And I just tell her,

Shelly, you know, it's not for us to get them sober. You know, it's, it's for us. What,

what do we get out of this? And what I got out of it is thank God that is not us. Thank God I'm

driving my son to a soccer game and I'm not hung over. I'm a little tired. I'm a little,

irritable, irritable. Our book says it. I wake up irritable, restless and discontented,

you know, not all the time, but that's how I was today. And, you know, thank God I can be

transparent with you guys. And that's how I was. And I told, you know, she said, Shelly,

just, just be grateful, you know, and I get to turn it around and just, I'm grateful that I'm

not hung over. I'm tired, but I'm not hung over, you know, and, um, it's been this April 20th,

it'll be 21 years. And I forget to remember how bad, you know, but here's poor Claire. She's a

lovely gal. I met her plenty of times. She can't get sober, you know? So again, I'm driving and I

just go, wow, thank you God. So I'm 26 now. And now I'm starting to drink every weekend,

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, you know, and then Monday comes and I'm like,

it's harder to go to work. It's harder to teach those classes. It's harder to put on the,

you know, and keep it all together. And, um, this woman, she, uh, she asked me,

how would you like to go over and train the desert storm troops? She put,

put together, I think there was 20 of us. It was an honor. There was thousands of people

interviewed for this. And, um, she said, how would you like to go over and train our desert storm?

This was in 1990. There was a ship put over there, the Cunard cruise ship. It was to be on a cruise

ship, go over there and, um, teach our troops. They would come on board just for a little, um,

R and R come out of the desert. And, um, she said, how would you like to go over there for four,

four months, a four month contract? And, um,

everything paid. And now this is in Bahrain. I don't know if you've ever, it's the middle East.

I've never been there. And I just say, now at this point, I'm starting to drink a little more

than usual. I'm starting to wake up hungover. I'm starting to have blackouts. Now I know that

they're blackouts, even though I didn't drive, I would walk home and I, I would wake up in my

apartment, not, not remembering how I got there. And everyone thought it was cute. You know,

people would call me and say, you were so funny last night. And they would rehash the whole night.

And I would just, I'd be like, wow, you know, and that caught my attention. That scared me. I was

like, Hmm, I don't, I don't remember that. I don't remember that. Do remember waking up on my floor,

you know, in my bedroom and I looked down and all my clothes were on and you know, that scares me

now. I I'm lucky. I'm one of those, you know, God's grace. I was never raped, you know, never

beat. I'm very lucky, Kathy. I don't take that for granted because I hear a lot of stories. Um, so I

was a little lost. And when she gave me the dollar amount and she said, everything will be paid for.

I'm 26. I'm not in a relationship. I'm in many relationships, actually.

I got to give out those. The facts quickly is that I can never be in a monogamous relationship.

These men thought they were my boyfriend, but I just couldn't hold a sincere, deep relationship.

And, um, sh this was June of 1990. I don't know if you've ever been to the

middle East. That is the hottest time to go there. And I said, yes. And before I knew it,

I had a passport, everything in my hand and I was shipped off to the middle East.

And it was really fun. I was with one of my best friends, you know, where it's fun. It's a party.

If you've been on a cruise ship, I don't know if you've ever been on a cruise ship and that's what

it was. It was docked. It was there in the, um, Navy base, but it was a full on, you know,

cruise ship drinks. And here's what I love to tell people. My sister loves it. Is that.

All my room and board was free, but drink all the alcohol I wanted was free.

I even kind of, my mouth kind of gets a little, um, free. I love free. I don't want to work for

it. Just give it to me. And, and I didn't know it. I didn't know it, you know, I'm 26. I'm not,

um, I'm not equipped with these facts in here. I didn't know I was enjoying and controlling my

drinking. You know, our book says it, I love this manuscript. Um, I had no idea. And then all of a

sudden I'm over there. I'm like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm

going to do this. You know, and, um, and I gotta tell you, this is like the dream job for somebody

who doesn't want to work, make a lot of money, eat for free. It's like being on a cruise ship.

You're just having fun. I just had it work like a couple hours a day. And all of a sudden it's 110

degrees over there. It's 90% humidity. And, um, I know, and I'm drinking a lot because it's free.

And, uh, one morning I was over there like two months and one morning, um, I got scared. I woke

up and I could not move. I couldn't move. I couldn't move. I couldn't move. I couldn't move. I couldn't

move in the side, my whole left side. I was like bullied over and I'm like, what's going on? I

thought I was having a, what is it when your appendix erupts? Appendicitis, right? That's

what I thought was happening. I'm like, oh no, I'm in the Middle East. So I go down to the ship doctor

and he takes a couple of tests and he comes in and he goes, do you drink a lot? And I go, drink what?

Gotta maintain that image. Now people are starting to ask me that. How much do you drink?

And I, he goes, I go, I have, you know, I drink some wine. Last night I had a couple, you know,

a couple of glasses of wine. I don't even know how many bottles of wine I have. Cause on cruise

ships too, if you work there, you get treated, you get to go up to the, uh, the officer's lounge

and that's where they really drink. You get up there and I didn't know how much I drank. That's

not honest. And now, now I can't be honest. You know, now I'm starting to tell people what,

what they, what I think they want to hear. And I said, um, not really, you know, I'm one of the

fitness, see sports here. I'm really healthy. I don't drink that much. He goes, are you drinking

a lot of water? I said, yeah, I drink a lot of water. And he said, because you're really dehydrated

because you're not having a pet, you're really dehydrated. So he had to put me on these fluids

and I had to stay there for like eight hours, just lay down. And, um, you think that would

have caught my attention, but no, you know, that night there I go back out, you know, and it just

went like that. And then I finally got back to Boston and this is when they say, um, you're

a, you know, I'm starting to get restless and irritable and discontented. I don't know. Like I

told you a little bit about my background, even though, you know, my, it was a dysfunctional

family. I still grew up with loving. I was voted in my school, the most congenial. I had a lot of

friends growing up. I was well loved and I felt that, but, um, I was starting to feel not comfortable

on my own skin. Like what's wrong with me? You know? And I started to feel really lonely. All

these people are around me or love it.

But I started to feel really like what's going on. I started to feel lost and here I go. You know,

I got it all put together. I got a good career. You know, I was, I was very well known in Boston

for what I did. And then, um, on that cruise ship, I met a guy in the band, Tyler, and he says,

why don't you move up to Canada? Tyler, he was in the, he was in the band sister moon.

Now, Tyler, I think was 21 at the time. I think I was 26. Um, and I got back to Boston and I just

said, you know, why not? Now I'm American. I'm not, I'm not Canadian. And I went back and then I just

moved all my stuff into storage and I moved up to Canada, not thinking, not sitting and go, you know,

like normal people do. You're 26, you plot it out, put all my stuff in storage. And I did that. And

when I got up there, um, I started to do pretty shady stuff. I'm taking money. Not, I'm not living.

I'm not claiming my earnings. You know, I'm up there. I'm working for a health club because of

my reputation, but I'm not there. I'm not there legally. I think about it now, you know, I'm not

there legally. Um, I'm taking money. And that's when the drinking got bad. You know, that's when

I really started to have blackouts and, um, and that incomprehensible demoralization that they

talk about, you know, they talk about it in chapter three, I believe we read it all the time.

And I started to identify that I started doing things that,

you know, I wouldn't share with my daughter today. And my daughter's 14 years old,

you know, and I look at her and the things that I was doing at 14 is unbelievable, you know, but,

um, that's what I started to do, you know, lying, sleeping around. It just, it wasn't me. Yeah.

No, not. And, um, that's the hard thing for me to compare is to remember how bad it was.

And this one man, um, my dad, now my dad,

called me and said, now, now, now I'm not really talking to my family. My family's calling me,

my mom's calling me, my dad's calling me. And I'm starting to say, they're like, how are you?

And my response to them is I'm tired. I remember my mom would call me. And even if I would pick

up the phone, usually I wouldn't pick it up or not call them back. I'd be like, I'm tired. And

she goes, Terry Marie, you've been saying I'm tired for like two years now. What is wrong with

you? You know, what is wrong with you? And I'm the only girl, I have two brothers and older to younger.

And, and my mom were really close and my dad too. And when I heard it, what is wrong with you? What

is wrong with you? And he, she said, well, your dad's going out to visit your brother in California.

Why don't you fly out there with him and go visit your brother? And so I just did, I was out of

options. Um, I was really also feeling that hope, that hopelessness. I, I didn't know what that was

about, that hopelessness. What's, you know, I always wanted to grow up and I always wanted to,

you know, live a good, good life. Um, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

good life, get married, have kids. That was my fairy tale. You know, other people want, I always

wanted to do that. And I just kept seeming to get farther and farther away from that. So now I'm

living in Canada, London, Ontario. I fly out to visit my dad and my brother, right. He, he came

from New York. Now. My brother was working in Hollywood and it was winter and it was one of

those beautiful Hollywood, you know, California days.

I came out and I was just like, again, let me just do another, I've learned here. It's just another

geographic to get away and went back to Canada. I packed everything up and I moved out to

California and that was in 1993. And I have to tell you, when I was with my dad and my brother,

I would sit in a room with them back when I came out to visit and I was so uncomfortable,

so uncomfortable in my skin. I had nothing to say to my dad. I was so embarrassed because I was so

tired of taking. Every conversation with my dad was, you know, can I have this? Dad, can you get

me out of that? Dad, can you send more money? Can dad, dad, dad, dad? And finally he said,

no more, you know, and I realized what I had become. I was just a taker, you know, and that

was my moment of clarity when I was sitting with my dad and my brother and I could not have a

conversation with them, you know. And my brother, I think this was, I was teaching aerobics out here

for, I forgot the name, I think they folded. It was a club, a chain.

And I was bringing home guys and I was living with my brother and he looked at me and my younger

brother who always looked up to me and he said, you know what, Teri? He said, Teri Marie, he says,

you got to go. You got to go. Because, you know, you can't be, you can't behave in like this.

And he, he kicked me out. He said, you got to go. And that was like, I don't know, it was probably

the most demoralizing, you know, realizing that you're putting your brother, you know, just,

you know, you guys know how that feeling, that demoralizing, like you're putting other people

in.

In harm's way. And thank God, you know, people just said to me, I think there was this one guy,

PJ, who again, he thought he was my boyfriend. And he, he said, you know, I think you might

have a problem with alcohol. And I was like, I got really offended. I was like, really? You know,

I thought I was a great drinker. And he said, there's a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous tomorrow

in Studio City on Moore Park. And he said, I'd be happy to bring you. And I think now,

now nobody's,

nobody's calling me. I haven't talked to my family. I'm living in North Hollywood now,

a roach infested apartment. I think it was, I couldn't even afford the rent. It might've been

$300. You know, I had no, I had no registration on my car. I let my license lapse. I got fired.

I had a great job at Warner Brothers. I was one of the top instructors, had it for four years.

Again, this is what I'd always hear. Teri Marie, we love you, but I'm sorry. You can't, you know,

you got to go. You got to go. You got to go. You got to go. You got to go. You got to go. You got to go.

You got to show up. You got to show up. Everybody loves you, but you got to show up. I just couldn't

show up. And losing that job too. I was like, oh, I love that job. I loved all my jobs.

But that's what it was. I couldn't pay any of my bills. I'm living in a roach infested. It was,

it was pretty lonely. Nobody's calling me. And PJ said to me, you know what? I love you very much.

And a lot of people love you, but something's very wrong with you. And he says, there's a meeting,

like a three o'clock meeting. I'll go with you. And he walked me there and I walked in

and it was very small, very small. There was probably 10 people in the room. And I went in,

I just sat down and I sat down and I just started crying, you know, and it was a good, it was just a,

just like I could do in front of you, just cry, you know, and it was okay. And I felt safe. That's

what I wanted to say tonight. I feel safe in here. You know, when you said your sponsor's Maggie,

I'm like, that's my girl's name, Maggie. You know, I feel safe with you guys. And where else can you go

anywhere in the world? And, you know, and feel that I've tried, I tried, you know, alcohol. I've

tried everything, spending money, going to therapist. Nothing has worked for this alcoholic.

You know, when I went in that room, I sat down and for the first time in my life,

I got some ease and comfort. There was just, and you guys, thank God, Alcoholics Anonymous wants

nothing from you. You just said, keep coming back. You gave me a chip that said, come back.

And a couple of people put phone numbers in my purse. And I did that for, I only went to like

that same meeting for probably three weeks or maybe even, I did it, no, yeah, once a week I

went to that meeting. And now I'm 90 days sober. I stopped drinking, but I don't feel better. I'm

like, what is wrong with me? You know, I stopped drinking. I thought, you know, hey, I stopped

drinking. Aren't I supposed to feel better? And I didn't, you know, and that's, that scared me.

That got my attention because I've never been the depressed, you know, the suicidal type,

but I wanted to kill myself, wanted to kill myself. And I walked into this Tuesday meeting

in Sherman Oaks, that Tuesday meeting, you met me at Oscar. And there were people in there,

great examples of Alcoholics Anonymous laughing. You're doing what we do, doing what you do here.

And a woman stuck her phone number in my purse. And I called that woman. Her name was Lori,

Lori C. And I called her. I said, Lori, how come I'm 90 days

sober? I stopped drinking and I want to die. I want to kill myself. Aren't I supposed to feel

better? And she goes, honey, you're suffering from untreated alcoholism. She goes, you're

suffering. And that's when I get up here. I always want to say, I'm grateful. I'm in a meeting of

Alcoholics Anonymous. Who cares if I'm the speaker? You know, but I, I know this is my solution.

This is my solution to one of the deadliest illnesses to mankind. You know, she goes,

you're suffering. I'm like, what do you mean alcoholism? What is that? And she said, meet me,

meet me at the diner before the Sunday meeting this Sunday. And I went there. I was, I was scared.

I ran there that Sunday morning. She just sat across the table like we do. And she just told

me what she used to be like, what happened and what she's trying to be like today. And I was

like, wow. And I said, all right, this program just might work. And then she said, honey,

I said, do you think you could be my sponsor? And she said, yes. And then she looks over the table.

She wrote down all these things. She goes, all right.

Here's the seven meetings you're going to go to. You're going to get seven commitments and you're

going to call me every single morning. And you're going to tell me everything you're grateful for.

And then you're going to call 10 other sober women. I know. And I just went, what? I'm busy.

She said, you're busy doing what? I'm like, well, I got to teach a class here and there.

And I was just like, that's a tall order. Really? I just went, that's a lot to do. But I was so

scared. She goes, if you really want to get better. And she goes, I just trust me and have it. She

goes, Teri, I go, what's all this God stuff? And what's all these, you know, she goes, I just want

you to have an open mind and willingness. That's all you have to have here. And you have to take

it a second at a time. Just a second. Don't try because that's what I do. Even today, I have to

slow down. And that's what I did. Manny knows I did that. Did it for a whole year. I went to the

same meetings, same commitments. And she made me move up over the hill. She made me move on to the

west side and get really busy in my home group. And I did.

And a year later, I couldn't believe it. There was 400 people at my watch singing me happy birthday.

And when I got to you, nobody was singing anything to me. They were like, please don't come over.

Am I okay on time? Yeah. How much more time? Oh, thank you. And I tell you that because,

you know, I didn't have deep relationships when I got here. I couldn't put down that, you know,

that image.

John Harris, because my husband's sponsor, he's 58 years sober now. He says, you know,

you got to drop that image. You keep carrying that image around here. You know, you're not

going to stay sober. And today, that's hard. It's hard as, you know, even at 20 years of sobriety,

our egos, I mean, our book, we're selfish and self-centered to the core. You know,

we got to, you know, I got to get rid of that every morning. You know, God, take it. Please

take it. And they say we have a spiritual experience here, right? And I got busy,

Lori and I got busy. We went through the doctor's opinion. We laughed. I couldn't believe it. The

doctor's opinion really describes the illness of alcoholism. When I read that, I realized I'm not

a bad person. You know, I just suffer. I suffer from this, you know, illness. And then it's okay.

I'm going to get, you know, if I keep doing this, I'm going to get better. And we did that. And I

got busy. And okay, it's okay. And my spiritual awakening was sitting at that watch at 12 o'clock

at night, 400 people, how unselfish of them to come on. It was the middle of the week. They have

to work and sit around and help me celebrate sobriety. You know, I was just like, what a

testament to Alcoholics Anonymous. And that was not me. It wasn't me like, they're all here to

see me. That's what we do, you know, for each other. And I just was like, you know what? There's

something here. You know, I'm going to stick around. You know, and I got that year and there

was this gentleman that I met, my first

night at my home group at then. My Lori told me, I want you to go to this meeting tomorrow night.

It's at the synagogue in Brentwood. And I was going there. It was my first night there. I fell

off the curb. And he kind of scooped me up. And he had on a tie. He looked really nice. I'm like,

God, where am I? He's like, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm like, and I said, okay. And I said,

he goes, are you new? And I said, yeah. And he goes, all right. He goes, there's the line. And

he kind of just shepherded me to get onto the line. There was lots of people. There was too many.

And I wasn't comfortable. I was only four months sober. But he shoved me to the line. And when he

got inside, he was asking his friends about me. And he was told she's only four months sober

to leave her alone. And thank God that man had enough Alcoholics Anonymous and enough good men

like you in the rooms to tell him, let her get sobriety. Leave her alone. And he did.

He was 12 years sober at the time. He left me alone. And a year later, he called me and he

asked me out. And I said, I'm going to go to the line. And he said, I'm going to go to the line. And

I said, no. I only said no, because there was some confusion. And then my mom was out here

visiting from New York. And it was Mother's Day. And I was still living on the west side in a

little studio, which I paid for all by myself. And I said, well, my mom's here from New York.

And he said, well, I'd like to take both of you out. And our first date was with my mother.

And he brought us both flowers. He brought us both flowers. And one great thing is,

I'm still sponsored like this today, is I always run everything by my sponsor. And she said,

you can date. You go on one date a week. You do not let him in your apartment. You kiss him good

night. And that's it. And we did that. We did that for seven months. And then we got engaged

December 1999. We got engaged. And it was the old fashioned way, you know. And I tell you that

because I never had a monogamous relationship, you know, and I never did things the right way.

And I did. And I'm not telling you this because good me is that I followed sponsor direction.

And it wasn't my will. You know, and that man and I are married 19 years today to each other.

He's 33 years sober. And we put Alcoholics Anonymous first. I have done all these 12 steps.

I have had a spiritual awakenings. You know, what is it like today? I worked hard. I paid

all those amends back. I followed sponsor direction. Unfortunately,

that wonderful first sponsor fell away. So I had to get a new sponsor. I met her when my husband and

I got engaged. I moved out to Simi Valley. We did it. We were engaged. I moved in with him

to our beautiful little condo on a golf course. I no longer lived in a roach infested place.

And I moved in with him. He owned it. We both owned it. And she told me you need to get a job,

not teach a class here and there. Get a job. Go to a temp agency. Get a job.

You're going to work 40, 60 hours a week. I said, okay, Cheryl. I found this woman named Cheryl C.

She was 20 something at the time. And I did that. I followed her direction. I went to work for

Countrywide. I hated sitting at a cubicle. I was dying. But I did it. I did that. And I still went

to my Wednesday night meeting. My husband and I always drove to Brentwood and down to Bellflower

for six years. We did that. It was our committed meetings. And my husband and I agreed. I wanted

kids. When I got to you at 33, I was like, I want kids. I want kids. I want kids. I want kids. I want kids.

We got married at 34. I wanted to start having kids. But my sponsor said, oh, no. You take that

birth control pill. You pay off all your amends. I had to do my steps. You get all that financial

stuff, wreckage paid. She goes, you do it. And it's between you and your husband. And quickly,

I did that because I wanted to have kids. But I said, no, no more self-will. I followed her

direction. I worked at Countrywide for four years. My husband and I agreed. If I saved

my life, I would do it. I would do it. I would do it. I would do it. I would do it. I would do it.

My salary for two years, once we started having kids, I could stay home. And I'm here to tell you,

I did. I went to work every day. I gave an honest work. Never called in sick. And I did that. And

then I was able to save two years of my salary. In 2004, our baby girl was born. We didn't know.

We didn't know. I never found out if it was a girl or a boy. I didn't do that. And my sponsor

today, Cheryl, was in the room. I had no idea. And out came a beautiful girl. Her name's Maggie.

Maggie Rose. And we named her Rose because my husband's mother is named Marie Rose. And I'm here

not to tell you his story, but now that I'm a mom of a son, he found his mother four days dead.

Alcohol, you know, alcoholism, defecation in their home in Agora Hills. And that keeps me sober. You

know, I can't imagine my son coming in and seeing that. You know, so that girl was born to us in

2004. And I got to stay home with him. And for the selfish, the self-centered,

centered, selfish alcoholic that I am. In our book, we're selfish, self-centered to the core.

I raised that girl. I stayed home with her every day. And then two and a half years later,

we had a boy, girl, boy. And when that little boy came into the world again, my sponsor's in the

room and my life was completed. And here again, I listened to sponsor direction. She looked at me,

said, you got your girl, your boy, you're done. Yeah, go get your tubes tied. And I did because

I'd have a busload. I really, I'd have a busload of kids. I love kids, but I would get drunk.

I can't, I can't have, two is enough. So I have raised those kids. I have done every single thing

is possibly asked, putting their needs first. And I don't know how that happens for an alcoholic

like myself. It's because of you, it's because of God. And one last thing, and I have been able

to be faithful to that man. I am a married woman. And sometimes things come up,

but I act better than I feel. And that is a testament to Alcoholics Anonymous.

And today I sponsor women. I do everything that is asked of me in Alcoholics Anonymous,

even when I don't want to. When he asked for my number, I was like, no. But tonight,

I had a good conversation with Manny. It's what my life is like today. I have a good life. I have

a great life. But someone talked about they're mad at God. My sponsor, who's been my sponsor for 20

years.

She was diagnosed with ALS. ALS. She's 44 years sober. She still goes to all her commitments.

She's been battling with this for five years now. And that woman, that woman is the most

important person in my life. She comes before everybody. She is, I have to watch this. And I'm

mad. Manny says, I'm mad at God. It's hard. I'm mad at God. I need God. I'm mad at God. I need God.

But I come here and I tell you,

you know, I was sharing with Manny is that, you know, thank God we're sober. And I know that you

guys are going to get me through this and share with you. I know that I'll get through it. So

thank you. Thank you, Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you, Oscar. Thank you for my life and my drinks.