Finding Family and Faith Through Sobriety

Thank you.

Now, I would like to introduce our main speaker, who is Cesar.

Cesar alcoholic.

I've been looking forward to get a drink of water, actually.

Like I said, my name is Cesar, I'm an alcoholic, and my sobriety date is January 21st of 2003.

I also have a home group, and it's the Bellfire Big Book Group, and I got a sponsor in that

group.

His name's Larry T. And my grand sponsor is the co-founder of that group, and his name's

Johnny H. And he's a man that I actually look up to.

And I also have the privilege of sponsoring men, actually, in that group, and I got one

of them with me.

He's actually, he's been with me for seven years, you know, and now my other sponsors

get to call him and complain and whine about me, you know, and they only knew how hard

I was on him.

I want to apologize ahead of time because of my accent.

I'm like the only guy that was born here in the States, and I still have a Mexican accent.

And it was so funny, because on the way up here, there's a guy driving with a flat tire.

So I rolled my window down, and it was a Mexican guy, and I told him, in Spanish, I told him,

you got a flat tire.

He's like, what?

I'm like, oh, I told him in English why you got a flat tire.

I guess Mexicans in the valley don't speak Spanish, I guess.

But I know what it's like to be in denial, though, that's for sure, you know, and I understood

that.

A little bit of what it was like, I've been a little off, but let me start off with that.

My wife spoke here not too long ago, and it was so funny, though, because on the way up

here, my wife is always late.

She did her makeup by the time she got right here up to the point, like she was wearing

a mask.

It was the funniest thing.

She's like, how come you didn't tell me?

I'm like, that's the whole point of it, man.

You know, it's like.

But anyways, we've been married.

I met my wife in my home group, and we've been together for quite some time.

We've been married since 2008, but we went together probably like 12, 13 years already,

and we weren't able to have kids.

And right now, we've been having this opportunity of being, we signed up actually to foster

kids.

And there's a young lady, her brother comes to our home group, and she's dying of alcoholism

right now.

You know, she's got cirrhosis of the liver.

She's only 26 years old.

And she's got this daughter that's only 15 months.

And, you know, that little girl, we've been taking care of her for quite some time.

And that little girl, she's been damaged, you know.

And you know, she came to the house, and I mean, she had the habit of smacking people,

you know.

And she would not respond to her name, and within the last month, I mean, she's been

so much better, you know.

And the other day, you know, and it's a possibility we might end up adopting her if something does

happen to the mom, either us or the grandpa.

And you know what?

That little girl has become the apple of my eye, you know.

And the other day, I found myself praying, you know.

It's like, you know what?

I hope we get to keep her and stuff like that.

And then I started thinking.

I'm like, you know what?

I'm going to take care of you, man, you know.

So I started praying for her actually to get better, and that's what we're hoping for,

you know.

And the doctor told her, you know.

It's a possibility, you know, she stays off alcohol, you know, for six months because

she's young.

She might.

They didn't give her that much of a chance, to be honest with you.

And as far as the liver trans, I mean, but she might have a small chance, you know.

But they don't do liver transplants usually with people like that, either, because there's

always a possibility that we might drink again.

And I said we might because that's me.

I'm an alcoholic of that type, you know.

And it was so funny because I was at a morning meeting not too long ago, and there was this

guy sharing about this car accident in Santa Ana where a whole family almost got killed.

And then the drunk driver, of course, survived.

He's like, if that doesn't keep you sober, I don't know what else will.

That never kept me sober, man.

Never did.

You know, going to jail never kept me sober.

You know, listening to Mothers Against Drunk Drivers never kept me sober either, you know.

And I convinced myself when I'm drunk that I drive better.

I just close one eye.

And now I'm sober.

And I drive with a speed limit, maybe 10 miles less, you know.

You name it.

But it's like nothing like that ever scared me, you know.

And I abandoned car accidents.

That's why I got these two holes in my forehead.

I had a broken neck, you know.

And I had paid a lot of consequences because of alcohol.

I want to thank the two 10-minute speakers actually before anything else, you know, for

giving me a meeting before the meeting.

I needed that, you know.

And so a little bit of what it was like, I was, like I said, I was born here in the States,

you know.

And my dad's from Texas.

My mom's from Mexico.

And that marriage didn't, I mean, it lasted for a while.

But when I was like two years old, my mom from one day to the next, she decided to move

me to Mexico because my parents were getting divorced.

And so she took me to Mexico and I lived in Mexico.

We came back here to the States, you know, back and forth.

I know we came back.

We came back to, I don't know if you guys are familiar with National City.

National City in San Diego is kind of like the East Aleva of that county, you know.

And then from there, you know, she took me back to Mexico and I grew up in Mexico for

six years before that, you know.

And she put me in private school, man.

My mom, she tried the best she could.

She tried to give me the best life she could, you know, and I also got a brother and a sister,

you know.

And that brother of mine, you know, he started working from the time my parents got divorced,

you know, at the age of 16 to support us, me and my mom and my sister, you know, and

he's a good man.

He's a really, really good man, you know, and a beautiful example of a man, you know.

And my mom, you know, like I said, she took me over there, you know, we lived over there

from one day to the next.

My brother, because he did stay here in the States, you know, and he called us, he decided

to move us back here to California.

And we came back here to California and, you know, and I hated it here, man, you know,

because at that age, you know, this is like in junior high and prior to that, you know,

it's like even going through those private schools in Mexico, I never felt like I fit

in, you know.

And like with those kids, I was in a Catholic school, I came from a different religion,

you know, and so I didn't follow like a lot of the stuff they did, you know, in that Catholic

school, you know, and I didn't even know all the rituals and stuff like that.

And a lot of these kids, actually, they came with money, they came from money and I come

from a poor family.

My mom, she was just working her butt off, you know.

In order for me to be able to go to that school, because she wanted the best for me.

But it was bad.

I would make up these stories that they had all these things and I didn't have anything,

you know.

And I remember my mom, you know, back then, that's when the vans actually with the little

checkers came out.

And so I told that I wanted those shoes, you know, and my mom got me these shoes from Kmart,

you know, the imitations and the checkers and those things, they were about that big,

you know.

And she tried, you know.

And so when I came here to the States, I came straight to junior high.

Junior high, you know.

And it was rough.

It was puberty.

I couldn't speak English.

You know, kids were back then, they used to take showers, you know.

And I mean, and we're talking about some of these guys, you know, that I would take the

PE class.

They look like full grown men, you know.

And I was a late bloomer, you know what I mean.

All these guys, they had hair already, man, you know, all I had was my little dirty Mexican

mustache, you know.

And it was awful, man.

And it was awful.

You know, I remember this one girl, she was walking by and she pushed her friend against

me.

She was like, ugh, you know, and like, oh my God, you know, and I remember one time

I dropped my pen in one of the classes and this girl picked it up and she said, whose

pen is this?

And I told her it was mine, you know, and she's like, ugh, she just threw it at me,

man, you know.

But let me tell you what drinking does for me, man, you know, a few years down the line,

you know, I started drinking and both of those girls became my girlfriends, you know.

And I reminded them exactly what they did, you know, because that's what I do.

One of them is actually homeless right now, living in Florida, you know, it's kind of

sad actually.

She's one of us, you know.

But anyways, you know, so I went through junior high and I remember even in junior

high, you know, that feeling, like I said, I needed a drink.

I think I needed a drink from the time I was either a drink or a sponsor from the time

I was five years old.

You know, I could have used either one.

Oh, and my mom, you know, I remember my mom, you know, all these kids will bring these

sandwiches, you know, these little paper bags, because it wasn't cool for you to bring a

lunchbox or anything like that, it was paper bags, you know.

And my mom, she's all, and I told my mom I want paper bags like the rest of the kids

and she's like, all right.

So she decided to get grocery bags and cut them in half, man.

And then to top it off, I was the only kid bringing burritos for lunch too, you know.

I would kill for those burritos right now though, you know.

Best beans ever, homemade flour tortillas, didn't appreciate those things, you know.

And my mom, man, she tried the best she could, this poor lady, you know.

I forgot to mention, she had me when she was 35, so she was a little older, you know, according

to them, you know, when she had me.

And my brother and my sister, they're a lot older than me.

So I was pretty much raised like that.

I was like a single child.

And this, my sister, my brother, they all love me to death.

I can't really say that I come from a bad family or anything like that.

I got no complaints.

The only issue that we had in our family that I didn't find out until later on is that my

actual father, who is a stepfather to my brother, sexually molested my brother.

That's why he disappeared out of our lives.

We're talking about a church member and all this, that.

And he sexually molested my brother, man, you know.

And that's why he was gone, you know.

But anyways, fast forward, you know.

My brother.

And the reason I mention him a lot is because what he did for my life, for me.

You know, he tried the best he could.

He started working at a young age.

And my brother, my brother's gay.

And I was quite embarrassed about it for the longest time.

You know, and I wanted to play sports.

He wanted me to play the flute.

You know, and you know, I wanted to go to the boxing gym.

He wanted me to take dance lessons, you know, and we didn't really know if he was gay or

not during that period of time, you know, and we didn't find out until later on, you

know.

And he tried the best he could.

You know.

And I, oh my God, man, all I knew, I did not want to be like him, you know, and I tried

out for sports, you know, I remember like that summer between my freshman and sophomore

year, you know, it's like, I remember going through a lot of, you have these conversations

with other kids, you know.

I'm a late bloomer when it comes to my drinking, you know, and drinking has always existed

in my family.

I had taken a couple of sips here and there, you know, and I'm not one of those guys that

started drinking at the age of five and I was in Skid Row by the age of seven, you know,

or not.

I'm not that guy.

I've tried a couple.

I've tried a couple of sips.

I come from a Mexican family.

That's what parents do.

You know, that's what uncles do.

They give you a beer, you know, they want to see how you act when you're drunk and stuff

and that.

But anyways, I remember at the freshman and the summer between my freshman and sophomore

year, this one guy that I used to look up to, you know, his name was Tom and Tom looked

like one of those teen idols from the eighties, you know, he used to drive a Supra back then

already.

He had the cool haircut.

He had the earring, you know, with the cross on it, you know, and he schooled me.

He told me, he's like, you know what, man, you're about to go to start high school, man.

You know, it's going to be a lot of partying, a lot of girls, you know, and you know, things

are going to happen.

He's like, you're going to get laid.

And I was like, I wanted to get laid, you know, I'm not going to lie to you, you know,

and anything for that, you know?

And so he's like telling me all this stuff, man, you know, and he's telling me all this

stuff, what I should do.

He's like, you see, he's what he schooled me.

He's like, if you see your friends drinking one beer, you drink two beers.

If you see him smoking a joint, you know, you smoke a joint and stuff.

I'm like, all right.

So I took that at heart, man, you know, and so, you know, I tried out for sports, you

know, I used to wrestle back then, you know, and I did really good and I exceeded in sports

actually, you know, and, but I remember that after that, you know, I completed that year,

my freshman year, I remember my mom sent me to Mexico for that summer between my freshman

and sophomore year.

And by the time I came, I went back over there, a lot of my friends, they were drinking already.

They were smoking cigarettes, man.

And they asked me, you drinking?

And I'm like, yeah, yeah, all the time, man, you know, and they gave me a couple of sips

of that, whatever they were drinking and I spit it out.

And I was like, wow.

And he said, do you smoke?

I'm like, you know, I said, yeah, you know, they gave me a cigarette, you know, and I

started smoking and started coughing, you know, and so I made my purpose that whole

summer was for me to learn how to smoke and drink that summer.

And you know what though?

And I remember getting drunk, I'm talking, getting drunk for the first time and feeling

that magic.

And for the first time, it didn't matter what you thought of me, all the zits I had, you

know, they were gone, you know, and, and for once I looked around and I was at peace,

you know, and I felt like everybody else looked, you know, and, and, and few things happened

that summer.

I did learn how to smoke.

I did learn how to drink.

And I got laid for the first time in Mexico, you know, and so something, I mean, this thing

was working for me, you know, and, and it was a good thing.

I, you know, like I said, I didn't grow up so much with like with a father figure, my

brother was the only father figure and I did not want to be like him.

And so I grew up, you know, looking up to all these characters, you know, like, you

know, like the fonts from happy days, man, I just wanted to snap my fingers and have

those two chicks, you know, and, and all these different things, man.

And I remember I used to watch all these videos, you know, and I remember one of the videos

I watched, it was called the decline of Western civilization.

It was a punk about the punk scene in the back in the seventies, the late seventies.

And that's what I wanted to be, you know, and I was never a good gangster, you know,

I'm Mexican, you know, and I'm very, I'm not disciplined, you know, I'm not into, you know,

ironing my pants and creasing them and all that crap.

You know, it's like, that's not me, I'm a slob, I'm a slob, you know, and you know,

you know, even when it came to work in the beginning of my sobriety, you know, they said

the Mexicans that hard workers, not this one, I'm a lazy ass, you know, and, and, but anyways,

you know, it's like, that's what I wanted to be, man.

And I started hanging out with kids like that and I started dressing like that, you know,

and, and not only that with it, you know, came the whole scene, you know, that came

the drugs and everything else, you know, and I had a blast, man, you know, like I said,

if it wasn't for alcohol and drugs, you know, I don't think I would have even, even had

the courage to even talk to the opposite sex.

For once, you know, I feel like I fit in with somebody, man, and, and we used to go to keg

parties back then and have a blast, you know, and, and, you know, it's like, I mean, I attracted

some girls and stuff like that, like I mentioned earlier, you know, and, and it was working

and you know, the thing is, it's like I, I graduated high school, barely, you know, not,

not with my classes until like later on, you know, and by the time I was done in high,

with high school, you know, it's like things started happening.

I got arrested for the first time for drink, being drunk in public and acting like an idiot,

you know, and, and not too long after that, you know, I remember being at a party, being

super drunk, man, and, and meeting this one girl and I, and I remember she's like, you

want to go get more alcohol?

I'm like, sure.

Went to go get more alcohol and ended up kissing while she was driving and ended up hitting

a parked car and ended up breaking the windshield of my head, you know, and, and I've ended

up fracturing my C5 and C6 and I remember just the car being on fire, you know, and

all this stuff, you know, and I remember getting out of that car and not having any control

over my neck, you know?

And I, and I had all this blood on my face coming from my forehead, you know, and I remember

laying down on the grass, you know, and being super drunk and I'm thinking to myself, I

mean, you know what, I'm just going to kick back and chill for a little while and then

I'm going to just walk home.

I couldn't move.

You know, the ambulance came, they took me in, you know, from one way or another, you

know, my, my family and them getting informed that I was in the hospital and they came and,

you know, and there was that look, that look of disappointment, man, you know, and, and

I remember seeing my mom's eyes, you know, and, and, and it broke my heart, you know,

and by that time I had sober up, you know, and I couldn't move, you know, I was laying

in a stretcher, you know, for hours and hours because I couldn't move, you know, and they

put me through CAT scans and all this stuff and then they transferred me to a hospital

and, and it was a miracle.

It was a miracle.

It's a miracle that actually that I'm walking and that I'm not paralyzed from the neck down,

you know?

And well, I remember being at that hospital and in recovering, you know, they put this

thing on, I forgot to mention, it's called the halo, you know, so I got these two holes

on my forehead and I got a big scar on the back of my neck, you know, from the bone transplant

I had.

And I remember being in that, and the halo, it's like this piece of metal that keeps your

neck straight, you know, they screw these things into your head and you have this big

old vest, you know, and, and I've been in that hospital and my mom, she brought a, she

brought a, one of the, one of her pastors over and this guy, you know, it's like he

prayed with me and he talked to me about God and stuff like that.

And I remember having a moment of clarity and see where my life was at at that moment,

you know?

And I remember committing myself right then, then, you know what, I'll follow this God

of yours, man.

I told him if it's, if it's gonna, if it's gonna help, you know, and, and I'm feeling

that ease and comfort, man, when I was praying with this man, but I, what I didn't know I

suffer from alcoholism, man, you know, and, and what happened a week later after that,

you know, I had, I had made a promise that I wasn't gonna drink again, that I was not

gonna ever do drugs again, but you see, it's not up to me anymore because I'm an alcoholic,

you know?

And, and I remember feeling a little bit irritable and discontent, like the book says, you know?

And so there I was, you know, I told my mom, I'll be right back, you know, I gotta, I gotta

go, you know, and, and there I go, you know, across the street to the liquor store looking

like, what?

Robocop, you know, and, you know, and there I come back with my little paper bag, you

know, and that became a ritual, you know, it's like every day I would go to that liquor

store and pick up my little paper bag with my lick, you know, and I remember back then

these were still Makies, 22 ounce Makies, and they were about that long, you know, and

that was my drink back then, you know, malt liquor, you know, and that and a Ben and Jerry's

for the munchies, you know, and so, you know, it's, then I understood, you know, I mean,

after that thing came off, you know, I mean, there was a few incidents in my life, you

know, still, you know, as a matter of fact, actually, I was going to parties and stuff

like that with that thing on, you know, and, and partying with my friends and stuff, and

it was bad, they would put, it would be like beer cans on it and stuff, you know, and it

would put us like, usually like a cigarette holder, and, and that thing, that thing came

off like seven months later, you know, and I remember I, I, I came across one of my sisters

from my dad's first marriage, she started calling me, you know, and she's, she's pretty

well off, she asked me if I wanted to come over to her house and, and spend some time

with her, and she said, I'm like, yeah, so I went over there, she lives in Godfrey, Illinois,

that's where she lives at, you know, and so I went to go visit her, and, and she asked

me if I wanted to stay with her and live with her, and that she would pay for my school

and stuff, and I said, I'm, well, I don't know, you know, it's like, we'll see, and

you know, and then I opened up the, I started feeling a little homesick, I guess, that's

what I thought it was, and then all of a sudden, I opened up her fridge, and like, ta-da, you

know, there it is, man, she had a, she had like liquor, she had, you know, over there

they make that bush beer, and for some reason, it tastes way better over there, you know,

and I, I started drinking, and before you know it, it's like, I'm making an asset of

myself, because that's what I do, there's nothing glamorous about my drinking, I, I,

I started making an asset of myself, I got a nephew who's about a year older than me,

you know, and I, he was staying with my sister at the time, and he had a girlfriend, I was

trying to be with his girlfriend, and, and, you know, I ended up calling my sis, my sister

the B word, you know, and there's that look of disappointment once again, you know, and

she kicked me out of her house, you know, I don't blame her, like I said, I mean, that,

and that's not my drinking is, it's just me making an asset of myself, people babysitting

me, I'm the type of drunk, I mean, in a good night, you know, so I go to the bar, I used

to go to this one place called Tubby's right there in Whittier, and I would, I would just

get plastered, man, you know, and just be drunk, you know, and I'm, next thing, I'm

upside down, inside this trash can, I'm throwing up, and farting at the same time, you know,

and, and, and, and next thing is like, I try to go kiss a girl, you know, with a piece

of corn in my mouth, you know, and, and that's as good as it gets for a guy like me, you

know, and, and you should have seen my little Honda, I thought it was an, I thought my Honda

was old, this little car that I had, you know, the car smelled like puke, you know, I used

to puke in the pockets of the car all the time, man, and I mean, like I said, I'm a

slob, I don't clean that, you know, just get a couple napkins, and that's it, you know,

and it was nasty, man, you know, and, well, going back to that, man, you know, and, so

my sister kicked me out, you know, I came back, and I, and, you know, I managed to get

a little job, you know, and I, it was at, at Rite Aid, and I thought it was a perfect

job for me, you know, it's like, I got all these free booze, I got free ice cream, you

know, I was, I, I, you know, behind the counter where I worked, you know, there were a lot

of free cigarettes, I mean, I had it going on, I had, you know, it's like, what else

can you ask for, you know, and I would go in the back, you know, and they used to, they

used to have those, I don't know, they're still around, the club drinks, they used to

come in a little can, they were mixed drinks in a little can like that, and they would,

you would get loaded with those, man, so I would go to the back, drink a few of those,

you know, steal a couple packs of cigarettes, and go home, you know, and that was my shift,

you know, and, you know, it was fun back then, I mean, I didn't care about anything back

then, you know, and, and I started, you know, during that period of time, a lot of my friends

that were getting really, really involved with the club scene and all this stuff, you

know, I started this, like, early, early 90s, you know, and, so I started getting involved,

I started dressing differently, because I'm, I'm always trying to fit in with all these

different crowds, you know, nothing ever positive, always different crowds, you know,

I started wearing baggy pants just like they did, you know, and, and try to be like them,

you know, and I started piercing every single part of my face, you know, and everywhere,

my nipples, I mean, you name it, you know, and, and you know what, though, man, and I,

and we, we used to go to clubs where the, you know, a lot of underground clubs were

there in Hollywood and everywhere, you know, and, and we had a blast, man, I started experimenting,

experimenting with different drugs, and, and, and in the, you know, and during that period

of time, I was becoming a really, really bad tweaker, you know, and, and, and then my mind

started playing really a lot of tricks on me, man, let me tell you, you know, and, and,

and within no time, you know, I lost the job, I lost the little car that I had bought, you

know, and family kicked me out of the house, believe it or not, even though we're Mexican

people, they, they got tired of my ass, because, you know, by this time, it's like, I'm not

a big-time criminal, you know, like the gentleman that showed earlier, you know, I'm, I'm a

loser, man, you know, I'm, I'm really, the one thing that I'm really good at is stealing

money from my mom's purse, you know, and I, I, I'm an expert, you know, so I would push

this lady around to get her last night, you know, and, and, or, you know, or my crimes

would be going to the liquor store and coming out of the liquor store and a couple bottles

of tequila, you know, maybe a couple cases of beer, a couple 12-packs, you know, and

run all the way, all the way to my house, you know, and those, those, those were my

crimes, man, you know, and so, like I said, you know, family kicked me out, I ended up

homeless in the streets at that time, you know, and, and, and I remember it happened

in no time, it happened in no time, and I remember, I remember just walking in the streets,

you know, thinking to myself, what happened, you know, it's like, I mean, I was just having

a blast not too long ago, and, and, and my brother, by this time, he had a friend that

he was an Alcoholics Anonymous, and he had asked me if I wanted to talk to him at one

point, they approached me, and I'm like, yeah, sure, and this guy, you know, his name

was Patrick, he took me, Patrick talked to me, he took me to my first meeting, and I

didn't hear much at that first meeting, you know, all I saw was the differences, I was

21 years old, and I didn't want to relate with anybody, so they took me to the meeting,

you know, and by the time I left that meeting, you know, I tried to stay sober, you know,

I don't think this AA thing is for me, I told them, you know, I'll try something else, and

I remember detoxing right there and then, you know, at my, at my mom's house, and, and

I remember telling my mom, you know what, I'm going to kick back for a couple days,

and then I'm going to go look for a job, and, and I remember asking her if I could

borrow, if I could have my car back, and she's like, yeah, sure, and she's like, and you

know what, I woke up that morning and told myself I'm going to go look for a job, but

I was an autopilot, all the way, all of a sudden, I went to the bar, I thought it was

a good idea, from the bar, I went to my dealer's house, and I was there for, for a couple weeks

after that, you know, and then I was like, you know what, though, I think I do have a

problem, and, you know, and the, and the things that I had to do, you know, to get those things,

demoralizing, you know, and all this stuff, you know, and things that, you know, I wouldn't

want to share with anybody, you know, with my kids, you know, if I really do have kids,

you know, because like I said, I mean, there's just nothing, I, I, I mean, I'm not a big

time criminal, you know, and I did a lot of stupid low things, you know, a lot of stupid

low things for me to get those things, you know, and, but anyways, I remember coming

back, and, and from there, this guy, Patrick, took me to a place called The Beacon House

in San Pedro, and I ended up right there at that place, and that was like a seven-month

program, and I got introduced to the program right there, got this one sponsor, and his

name was Dino, and Dino was this short Mexican guy about this small that came out of Skid

Road with a flat face, you know, and I could see him in accidents, he had been in all kinds

of things, man, and, and Dino, you know, he spoon-fed me Alcoholics Anonymous.

Man, you know, he, Dino used to sit, he used to sit in front of the meet, right at the

front, he had panels, he, he, he was involved in Alcoholics Anonymous, he sponsored guys,

you know, and, and I remember he, his home group used to be at a meeting, it was a meeting

right there in West Hollywood, the attitude adjustment meeting, you know, on Sunday mornings,

and, all right, he took me to his, he told me he was going to take me to his home group

meeting, and I went with him, and like I said, this is the early 90s, you know, in

94, I think it was, and I wore this baggy pants that if I was to stand right here, you

probably would be able to see him right now, you know, and I wore this baggy shirts, and

boy, I'm probably weighing in like about 145 pounds, and I got all these piercings on my

face, I just pierced my tongue, and I refused to go look for a job, because they might tell

me to take all that shit off my face, you know, and I had this long chain, you know,

attached to my, attached to my wallet, you know, and I mean, I look like a damn clown,

man, you know, and, and my tongue was about that size, you know, because I mean, I just

got it in a pierce, you know, and Dino's looking at me, you know, because the chain kept on

getting caught in the chair, you know, and I'm trying to talk, and, and I can't talk,

you know, because I mean, I got that thing in my, across my tongue, and he's like looking

at me, man, he comes up with this flat face, and he tells me, man, it takes a lot of work

to be cool, doesn't it, and I'm like, oh, man, because he see you, he's a guy like you,

man, you don't know how to do crap, he said, you know, you don't know how to even pick

up a broom, so that's all you have, that image, he told me, that image is going to kill you

sooner or later, he said, dude, and I'm like, wow, man, what up with all the loving alcoholics

anonymous, you know, and, you know, and so he said, why don't you take off all that crap

off your face and go look for a job, you know, and that's the kind of stuff I tell my sponsees

nowadays, man, you know, and he was right, he said, I didn't, I did not know how to do

anything, you know, that's, that image, that's all I had, you know, and, and, and I didn't

take it off right there and then, you know, actually, it took me a long time in order

for me to stay sober, you know, I managed to stay sober eight months, 18 months every

now and then, you know, and, but I refused to continue doing the program, you know, and

I never did it again.

I never gave this thing a full try, you know, and I remember at one point I landed in, I

even landed on a victory outreach, man, and I saw these gangsters, you know, it's like

praying and stuff, man, you know, and, and talking in tongues and, you know, nothing

against religion, man, but, oh, God, and all I know how to do, speak is Spanish, English

and bullshit, you know, and I'm, am I supposed to pretend that I'm speaking in tongues, what

am I supposed to do, and this one guy kept on grinding my forehead and I see some gangster,

you know, flopping like a fish, you know what I mean?

I used to do that, you know, I used to take nitrous hits, you know, I mean, if it's gonna,

I mean, well, you know what though, if it makes you feel that way, man, give me some

of that Holy Spirit high, man, and there's this guy, you know, and it just didn't work

for me once again, I'm like, you know what, maybe this guy doesn't love me, you know,

he loves all these gangsters, you know, and killers and stuff, you know, it's like, not

me though, I'm still a loser, you know, so I left that place, man, and like I said, I

struggle in and out, in and out, you know, and, and, and you know what though, man,

that whiskey always had more power over me, man, and at that time, you know, I'm just

becoming a full-blown alcoholic, I mean, the drugs, man, that didn't play a part, I mean,

that was not hard for me to quit, I mean, I know what it's like to slam dope and all

this stuff, but that liquor was always there, man, and whiskey always did the job, and by

this time, man, you know, it's the, I remember catching, I caught a case, I caught a case,

a really bad case where I got in a fight and I beat up some guy really, really bad, man,

and I'm looking on, I ended up in jail before, you know, they put that little piece of paper

in front of me, in front of me that, they were going to give me seven years in prison

for this thing, you know, and, and I remember my family, once again, you know, they bailed

me out, you know, and I remember, kept on drinking, and, and I remember just one morning

having that moment of clarity, man, because I woke up and nine years, ten years had passed

by, and, you know, I'm getting a hairline, you know, I'm still stuck at my sister's house,

she had been trying to kick me out, I didn't even have a place to stay, I used to stay

in the back of the shed, you know, and, and, and her back there smelled like puke and,

and pissed everywhere, because that's, that was my bathroom, you know, and, and, and my

sister had been trying to kick me out of her house for so long, you know, and, and the

only thing that stopped her from kicking me out was my mom, you know, every one time she's

like, dude, you need to leave my house, she's like, she's, so people are going to, they

think you're, you're, you're, you're like a little slow, you know, and my, my daughter's

getting older, you know, she's bringing her friends over, they want to swim in the pool,

but they can't because you were there, you know, they're going to think you're a perv,

so me, like, you know, so I, I, I got my feelings hurt, so I went and told my mom,

my mom let her have it, you know, after that, you know, and, and, you know, and she was

right, and she was right, I mean, and that's the thing, I remember just waking up that

day and having the shakes, you know, and I couldn't stop shaking, and, and looking at

myself in the mirror, you know, thinking to myself, I'm up to go to prison, and I'm still

stuck in the same spot that I was in, you know, when I was 15 years old, you know, it's

like, and I, and I, I think that I'm not like those one alcoholics, like this one girl that's

dying in the hospital, I think I would have been one of those in and out of this program

till the age of 60, you know, and that's what scared the crap out of me, man, you know,

being you at the age of 60, homeless, you know, and so this time, man, I remember getting,

getting down on my knees and praying, I'm like, you know what, God, if what it takes

for me is to be like Dino, you know, I'm going to try to be like, like my old sponsor, Dino,

man, and, and that's what I've been trying to do, you know, I came in, and I got introduced

to Bellflower Big Book Group right away, you know, and I remember going to that meeting,

and I saw this old man from across the way that I had seen speak years ago in 1994, as a matter of

fact, when I first got introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I, his name's Johnny H, and that's

my grand sponsor, man, I didn't know who he was, but I remember he was like the first speaker that

I was able to listen to this man from the, all the way from the beginning to the end, and he was a

great cheerleader for Alcoholics Anonymous, so what I mean by that, he, he made Alcoholics

Anonymous look attractive, and I remember looking at that old man, you know what though, that's the

guy, that's the guy that I had seen speak years ago, you know, and I might be in a good place,

and not too long after that, you know, I ended up, you know, I just ended up seeing my sponsor

speak at this one morning meeting in Studio City, because that's what I started doing, I started

going to a lot of meetings, to as many meetings as I could, you know, because I wanted to stay

sober, I did not want to go to prison, man, I'm no prison material, man, you know, and so I remember

seeing my sponsor speak, and I asked this man to be my sponsor, and that's Larry T, you know, and

he's a great man, he's a great man, he's a, he can be a jerk, you know, but you just need to say

he's a great man, you know, he's actually really nice nowadays, and, but back then,

he was, and that's what I needed, and this man, you know, just smiled when I asked him to sponsor

me, and he's like, here's my number, he said, give me a call, so I started calling him, you know,

and I went to go pick him up on the following weekend to go speak, and, and this guy, man,

he was not nice, like I said, man, he just asked me straight out, man, are you willing to follow

directions, you know, with any, without questioning me, I said, yeah, and, you know, so we started

from right there, and, you know, and, and I was going through a lot of ups and downs during that

period of my sobriety, you know, and the first four or five years, they were tough, man,

and things were not going my way, nothing was, it was bad, it was really bad, you know,

in and out of courts, and all that stuff, and I remember going through breakups, and all this

stuff, and I remember bringing it up to my sponsor, my sponsor, you know, she just broke up with me,

why should I do, oh, so that's great, he said, I'll see you at the Monday night meeting, make

sure you get a commitment, click, and, you know, next thing, it's like, hey, sponsor, lost his job,

he said, oh, you know, that's great, you know, it's like, why don't you go get an H&I panel,

all right, click, you know, and, and next, every, and then he's like, you know, every time I brought

something to him, man, he would, he would just give me some type of direction, you know, and,

and Alcoholics Anonymous, he wouldn't talk, he didn't talk about whatever little problem I was

going through, he just saw me, you know, he just refocused me into Alcoholics Anonymous, and I

remember, I remember one time, he's like, and we ended up doing a fourth and fifth, a fifth step

with him, and he told me, he's like, you know what, kids, he said, you're not worse than me,

you're not any better than me, or nothing like that, we're the same, he said, we just, we just,

we're just alcoholics, he said, and, and the only thing that's gonna work in your life is if you put

this thing first, if you seek the kingdom first, and what he meant by that is put, put Alcoholics

Anonymous first, he said, and once you start sponsoring, guys, you're gonna see what I'm

talking about, and, and that picture right there, that's my favorite picture in Alcoholics Anonymous,

I got, I got it in my kitchen, as a matter of fact, it was a gift from my sponsor, because that's the

one thing that has worked in my life, you know, not talking about my little problems, nothing like

that, you know, it's just that, you know, me actually helping somebody else out,

around nine months sober, you know, and I, when I think everything was going down the hill,

and I'm with this guy that smelled like crap, came up to me and asked me to sponsor him, limping,

you know, and, and he became my first sponsee, and, you know, and I made it a purpose to keep

this son of a bitch sober, man, you know, and, and I sponsored him for quite some time,

you know, and he was a, he was a drunk, you know, he was a drunk, man, and, and you know what,

though, man, it's like, after that, you know, it's like, a lot of things happen in my life,

you know, and, you know, sometimes good things, and sometimes bad things,

that's just life on life's terms, and you know what, though, but let me tell you one of the

greatest gifts I got in my life, you know, it's this, it's actually been, the fact that I was

able to be there for my mom before she passed away, the fact that she saw me become a man,

the fact that she saw me actually be married to somebody else, to somebody that I met in my home

group, you know, and taking care of business for once, not taking her money anymore, you know,

and, and let me tell you one thing, that lady's faith was so strong, man, before she passed,

I remember she pulled out her little purse, and, you know, her hand was, her hand was so,

I mean, she was so fragile before she passed, man, you know, and she pulled out a little bit

of money for her purse, and gave it to my sister, for my sister to go get her a dress, because she

was gonna go meet her maker, she said, and she was ready, she was ready, man, and, and she used

to grab me, my wife's hands, and, and, and, and sing her, you know, her old hymns, and stuff like

that, because she was very religious, and you know what, I could have missed all that, I could

have made it about myself, and that's the thing, oh, you know, except one time, I found myself

crying, it's like, why all this, but it's not even about me, man, it's about her, just like I'm being

there for this little girl right now, and you know what, though, and I, and I sponsor a lot of

young guys in my home group, man, and for some reason, I attract all these young knuckleheads,

man, and, and they all, it's like, as soon as they see one, man, it's like, oh, this one's for

him, you know, and, and they bring him to me, you know, and, so that's been a privilege, man,

you know, and, and like I said, I was a loser, you know, and then I got introduced, you know,

I didn't go to prison, I did, did some jail time sober, you know, and it was okay, I managed to

stay sober, you know, and, and I was on probation for a long time and ended up, I couldn't get a job

anywhere, you know, and so somebody told me just to apply at my, at the union that I'm at, and that's

the electrician's union, you know, and, and I've been with that union for the last 11 years and it

has paid quite well, you know, supports me and my wife, you know, and, and it's, and it's all

thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, I, I stood up and show up to that job and I get to

apply the traditions in that job and I managed to keep that job, you know, and, and I'm talking

early in my sobriety, I walked out of it three or four jobs.

You know, and, because they would hurt my feelings, I'll be like, ah, screw you, you know,

you know, and, and I'm telling you, man, I, you know, I've been a good example in this

meanness, I've been a bad example, the one thing is I have learned to show up no matter what,

you know, and, and, and let me tell you one thing, it's the few years ago, I almost lost my wife

because she had a miscarriage, you know, and she couldn't get pregnant for the longest time and all

of a sudden she, she had this baby going in one of her tubes and it burst right through it and,

and she was, she bled to death, she was bleeding to death and, and, and, and she,

she died pretty much and they, and after that, I was like, you know what, forget about this whole

kid thing, I just want my wife back, I told, I told, that's what, that's what my prayer became,

you know, and, and, and you know what though, man, it's like, and, and, and that's the thing

though, we're going through this whole procedure right now to actually to try to foster kids and

stuff like that, you know, there's a lot of kids that need help, I mean, that's what God put me

right here to, I get to help somebody, some, some of those kids out, they're broken kids just like

I was and you know what, I'm in my, and, and, and you know what, the miracles, man, like I said,

the gifts, financial, I'm doing okay, all this stuff and like, that doesn't matter, man, for me,

the gift is when I get a guy like Matt, you know, and broken just like I was, you know, and, and all

he had is like, it was just like, he used to wear a slingshot, he couldn't afford, afford a haircut

so he used to slick his hair back, he looked like the old school Dracula, you know, and, and his

jean shorts and he used to wear his LA County slippers, you know, and all of a sudden it's like,

I get a guy like that, you know, and I, we cracked that big book open, you know, and we put him in

the greeting line.

You see a transformation in that greeting line.

A few months down the line, you know, they get a job and, you know, and by that, and then later

on, it's like, they get to wear a suit just like I am right now and take a cake and, you know,

those are the gifts and I get to see all these young guys, he's got seven years, he's, his wife

to be, cause he's getting married already, you know, ask me if I could actually walk it, walk

it down the aisle.

You can't beat that, man, you know, and, and, and this is the family that I've created in

Alcoholics Anonymous, man, and, and I think that's all I got to say.

Thanks for letting me share.