Finding Fellowship Through AA: A 20-Year Journey

Now, I'd like to introduce our main speaker, Janet.

Hi, I'm Janet. I'm an alcoholic, and I want to thank Carlos for asking me to come out and speak to you guys, and Oscar, and Larry for getting me all settled in, and I'm the worst, I was just going to say, I don't remember anybody's names.

Dominique, no, just kidding. No, it really is an honor and a privilege to speak in an AA meeting. I don't take it lightly at all. I'm going to have some of this though, I've been looking at it.

Yeah, I don't take it lightly. I mean, just walking in here tonight and seeing you guys and your faces and your excitement, I just constantly fall in love with AA.

I remember when I was new, an old sponsor I had,

back in New Mexico, and she said, I just can't wait until you fall in love with AA, and I thought, that is so weird.

Like, it made no sense to me. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be sober.

I had a secret in the back when I was new that, where it's read, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, because really deep down, I did not want to stop drinking.

I did not want to give it up.

And I still thought some,

some,

some way, somehow, maybe I wouldn't have to give it up.

But at the time I really, I couldn't even talk and I couldn't even form sentences.

So I just would smile and nod.

And if I did try and talk, like the words would get all jumbled up in the wrong order.

It was the weirdest thing.

I don't even know what that was about, but let's see.

So just to get the basics out, I'm 20 years sober.

I got sober in 1998 and I have a sponsor, a home group,

and I have a lot of friends in AA.

And I didn't want that either.

Like I remember when I got sober, I had a separate phone list.

Like here are my real friends and then here are the AA friends.

Meanwhile, none of the real friends had anything to do with me.

And it was so sad to go through that old address book.

Of most people, I couldn't call anymore.

I couldn't even look them in the eye.

I would, I was hiding from, like to this day,

I'm still not on Facebook because I'm sure there's just too many skeletons in my closet.

But I wasn't talking to anyone.

I was just full flight from reality, right?

Like I had no idea what I had found when I got here.

And what I really had found was a whole new life.

I had, I was pathetic.

I, it didn't start out that way.

You know, I had like really big plans for myself,

but I was never normal.

Like I remember being depressed in kindergarten,

you know, just like right out of the chute,

my earliest memories.

I was uncomfortable.

Somebody, I mean the two 10 minute speakers,

I related to both of you.

I was so uncomfortable in my own skin.

From my earliest memory, it came out, you know,

and in being mean or stealing.

I mean, I just, I was completely maladjusted.

You know, I remember that look on people's faces

or my brother's face at the grocery store

when I was a little kid and he was checking out

and then all the makeup like fell out of my,

my jacket or whatever that I had stolen.

And he's just like, God, what's this wrong with you?

You know, I mean, I didn't have to,

it wasn't brought up that way.

It was just like disgust, you know?

And, and so that, I mean,

I wish I could say that I was so messed up behind alcohol,

that alcohol made me so effed up.

But the truth of the matter is some of the most

like worst things I've done,

or like some of my worst amends I had to clean up.

And some of the things I hate the most about myself are like,

being sober or things that I've done sober

are just kind of who I am, you know?

And, but alcohol definitely,

definitely fixed whatever was broken,

whatever was wrong with me.

My, I mean, I remember taking sips off

my grandfather's drink as a kid.

I mean, I was always trying to cop some.

I never really acted like I loved it

or that it was how, how good it felt

because I just instinctually as a kid, I remember thinking,

I better not let these people know how much I love this stuff

because otherwise it's gonna get taken away, you know?

So I was like very stealth about it

before I even knew it was a problem.

And so I would, I was always drinking like that, you know?

And then I was the kid at the graduation parties

and nobody really noticed or thought it was cute

that I would stand by the keg or something

and, and just get totally drunk by myself

and at these, at family parties or gatherings, you know?

And then I would just go lay in the bed

and the room would spin and I just, it was so happy.

Like that was, that was it.

Like if that's as good as it got,

like I would have been totally, totally okay.

And, and I really shot for that forever, but you know,

I overshot the mark from my earliest memories,

that whole, it really never worked.

I mean, I really overshot the mark always.

I was throwing up, I was making a scene, I was too loud.

I was obnoxious.

I was getting everyone in trouble, getting everyone arrested.

I mean, it just like, you know, it was like, you know,

like I was definitely a liability as a friend, as anybody.

I was always going to bring you down.

I was never, I was untrustworthy.

Something better came along, ditched you.

I mean, there was nothing redeemable

about my character at all when I was out there, you know?

And honestly, I just wanted people to drink with.

And if I had, if I had a little pocket of, of that,

I was, you know, as long as I was taken care of,

that's kind of how I felt.

I just didn't have much regard for the people.

And, or much need for them, except I did like company, you know?

So I'd like to kind of have a posse to run with, but it was, there was nothing.

I was not loyal.

I was just, I was really not a good human at all.

And but I, so I just went along that way.

I remember in fifth grade, I had a club and you had to be, you had to smoke if you wanted

to be in my club.

I was like, why, I don't even know where that came from.

I just, I was not the kid.

You wanted your kid to hang out with at all.

And and so you know, finding cigarettes on the playground or whatever, that was me taking,

I'd find little bottles and I would go to my mom, alcohol that was in the house.

And I would just pour a little bit out of every bottle into this, to something that

I had.

And that's what I would drink off of.

And it tasted fine to me.

I mean, I don't really, I don't, I don't think I would notice the much difference between

like strawberry.

Hill and a really fine wine, to be honest with you.

Like I never could, um, they're just, it didn't matter to me.

I really fund them.

So it's really funny that people spend a lot of money on alcohol cause I didn't get it.

But um, um, so, um, so that's, I mean, I was always getting in trouble, uh, that was growing

up, um, burning through people's lives.

I remember going to therapy at one time.

My parents made me go.

And, uh.

I remember telling the therapist, like I go through friends, like people go through

socks and, uh, I was really baffled by why my life was so empty and so lonely.

And, um, I really didn't know it then why I was really just trying to survive.

You know, I found that out kind of in looking at my, my alcoholism and, um, anyway, I just

knew there was something fundamentally wrong with me, you know?

And when I got here, um, I, I knew that I drank, I mean, I knew I was a bad drunk and

I was more or less insanely drunk every time I drank.

And I loved everything about it.

If there's anything you get from my talk, I love alcohol.

I love the smell of it, the everything.

And, um, but I remember thinking in the back of my mind, but there's something kind of

wrong with me.

You know, like, um, I like that sentence.

Like we have grave emotional, mental disorders.

Um, and then some of us have the capacity to, to get well, if we were honest with ourselves,

but damn, there's the honesty word.

Like I didn't even know, truth from false anymore.

Um, and I couldn't even tell the truth.

I was like, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I was like, I feel like spaghetti.

And I'd say no.

And then later I thought, I do.

Why did I say that?

Like, I couldn't even tell, I couldn't tell the truth if my life depended upon it.

And that's the stuff that didn't even matter.

Um, so, uh, so, so, okay.

So, so, um, so, so that's the, that's the, that's, the, that's the stuff that I wanted

to talk about.

Um, and I think it's really important.

What?

I was in full flight, but when I got sober, I found out that once you've been sober a while

and you start working the steps and alcohol is out of the picture, yeah, there's a lot wrong with

us. And that's what the program's all about. Because I think if I hadn't changed, if I was

still that person that came in, if I was still that person, honestly, my first few years of

sobriety, there's just no way I would stay sober. There's just no way that person could live

life on the natch without something to take the edge off. But I kept drinking.

I don't relate. My story was like, it sort of keeps going on and on like that. I remember when

I was new, I'd think about, I thought I would hear people's bottoms, and I always thought,

oh, it had to be such a bad bottom to get sober. And there was like, it seemed like when I was

new, that's all I heard was like this one thing that bottomed you out, and you ended up in AA.

And the truth of the matter is, for me, there were things that I had done out there,

situations I had gotten myself into, places that I was out there, that were way worse than a lot

of people's bottoms. Like, I was going to keep on going no matter what. I was just going to

go.

Get Myself Up, Make My Bed, or do, you know, whatever it takes to kind of make it look

decent on the outside. And I was just going to keep on going. There was nothing, I wasn't going

to give up, I wasn't going to give up alcoholism, you know, I mean, my drinking for anything.

And so I just kept on going. And somehow, I don't know why, I kept like a really clean house. Like

if I could clean my house the next day, or if things could be spotless, for some reason,

I felt like everything was going to be okay. And so that was like, I'm still pretty OCD,

you know, like, you would never know a five year old lives in my house. I'm like,

everything's just perfect for a kid. But like, like, everything's gonna be okay. No, no.

I just started liking things neat. But um, so I, I, I bumbled along. I remember also,

like my stories, this is just, my stories are either way too off the beam,

to share from the podium. Like, they're just, they're just wacko stories. I guess they don't

really fit in a general way. But um, and a lot of them, I don't remember. You know, even to this

day, sometimes I think like, I'm the girl who I just there's pathetic stories. You know what I

mean? I'm me and my friend of mine were laughing the other day, like if some of the people I just

come across during the day knew where I'd been, and how I lived and what was really normal to me,

and what still is normal to me, like nothing shocks us, right? There's really nothing that

could shock us. I we've done it all. We've been there. We've, we've tried it. It's like no big

deal. But most of the people that I see, like during the day, and in the course of my life,

like just would just glaze over, even like how I feel. I remember, like, before getting sober and

coming to AA, you know, somebody asked how I was doing. And I really told them, like, what a day

in the life was like. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't

know. Like, their eyes kind of glaze over. They talk like, you should see somebody. Maybe you

should go to the hospital. Maybe medication is for you. I mean, that's just so like a lot of

zipping it up. I'm not going to tell these people. Keep it to my sponsor and keep it here. And,

and I really get to just be, I just kind of get to be myself here. But I, so, so I went along,

I drank, you know, high school, they made me go to AA.

I remember going, having to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Like, Alcoholics Anonymous was always

somewhere in my life. You know, I've been sent to, for evaluations and I was just able to tell

them just enough. And they'd say, yeah, she's depressed was the big thing. But I was always

able to skate through it without ending up in AA or I'd come to AA. I liked you guys,

even in high school. I thought you guys were definitely my people. I could feel it, you know,

I just didn't want to quit drinking. I mean, that wasn't going to happen. And, and so I, I did,

I went to college. I mean, every year I had new friends. I had to get a new apartment. Everyone

hated me every year. I mean, at the end, if I had a new best friend, they were going to hate me

within a year. Like it just was, it was the cycle. It was just constantly when they got to know me

and, and, or I would just, I was just so disrespectful, you know? And then I, I remember

what happened for me was I was out of, out of college and I was back in, I was back at home

in New Mexico. And I, I had, I didn't so much control my drinking. It was, I knew that if I

had one drink whatsoever, I didn't know what was going to happen. And I didn't know where it was

going to take me. And it was never going to be good. It was going to embarrass me and everybody

around me. So I controlled more of the environment. So I would go and make an appearance if I had to,

and, and I would be sober. And then I would go and make an appearance if I had to. And, and I would

go home and drink how I wanted. So everything was very compartmentalized. And, um, I related to

this, um, 10 minute speaker about, I was a chameleon and I, I just had pockets of friends

everywhere. And, and, um, and I did what I had to do just to survive and fit in whatever situation

I was in. But, um, uh, I, I was living sort of like that and, and, and making things look

good from certain angles, you know? Like I remember going to work and, um, and I would

get to work every day because you think, oh, wow.

I would, I never missed work, but it would be like dry heaving on my way to work every single

day. I mean, there was just a cycle to it. And somehow I just, you know, by noon, I started

feeling better enough for happy hour again. And I just went on and on and on. And, um, and it was

like groundhog day, like every day was the same. And, um, I remember going to work and I was,

you know, dressed, it was back in the day where like with pantyhose, it was more of a dressy,

uh, situation like at work. And, um, and I was all done.

I put rollers in my hair during the day. I remember hearing people share and I'm like,

I always showered, you know, but not really. Cause I remember times where I thought, I

think I can make it one more day and one more day. And so then I put curlers in my hair

from where I could see it. I remember one day I was at the office and I worked for my

family this time. And I remember I walked past my mom and she goes, what is wrong with

you? And I'm thinking, what? Like I'm, I'm all put together. And it turned out like the

back of my hair was all matted, but I was...

It was like, like from the front, it looked just perfect, you know, but then in the back

it was just matted. I mean, the stuff that was in that hair, I can't even imagine how

long I, I mean, I just was kind of a master really trying to keep it together. That was

really what it was like. And, um, and what happened for me and why I ended up getting

sober and how it came about for me was I was, uh, uh, I had somebody attacked me one night

when I was sleeping at my house and, um, I was able to get away, but what happened?

What happened was I was really terrified. And so all of a sudden where I had my, my privacy,

I can make an appearance and then go do my own life. I couldn't do that anymore because

all of a sudden, like I couldn't even shower without someone like in the room. Cause I

was totally terrified about this whole thing that got me all, um, got me out. Just totally

turned everything kind of upside down and inside out for awhile. And, um, so I had to

move back into my parents' house and, uh, they were helping me out and I was like, Whoa,

I have to drink and I'm in somebody else's house.

And I couldn't, all of a sudden everything was just like in my face and I would, I would

be out just loaded, but then I'd get home and I was terrified. I couldn't walk from

my car to the front door. So I'd have to call my mom to like be at the front door and watch

me walk from my car in. And so anyway, the whole, the way I was living in life, it just

really, um, collided there. And, um, and so, uh, um, one morning my dad said, uh, maybe

you should try a 12 step meeting.

And if he had said AA or anything, you have to imagine like my dad is the devil. So coming

from him, like that's how desperate I was at that moment that it came from him. It didn't

even matter, you know? And, uh, I, I, I was like, okay, I didn't think about it. I did

call Alcoholics Anonymous that day. Um, and I, I really wasn't, um, I didn't want to stop

drinking. I just, I don't know. Like I was at the end of my thinking. I couldn't, I couldn't

keep working it.

I didn't have another plan to sort of keep going. You know, I couldn't keep it up anymore.

And, um, uh, but again, it was like, but you know, I couldn't stop drinking. That was,

that was just crazy and too big of a thought. And so, uh, but I went to the meeting and,

um, and, uh, and I got connected and they were enthusiastic. Like you guys were, I sort

of, I got swept up and I couldn't talk, so I wasn't going to argue with anybody, you

know?

So I was like, okay, okay.

You know, I just went.

I remember a sponsor I'd had that adopted me or made me her sponsee or something. She

said, you know, Janet, this program works a lot better if you're not taking any pills.

And I'd say, okay. I mean, I wasn't taking anything at the time. I was just so done.

I literally was so done. I remember that feeling of, of, uh, you could have told me to do anything.

I would have done it. I, I just couldn't live like I was living anymore. And, um, and, uh,

and so, uh, and I, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and I continue to, uh, I'm being so sick all the time, but I, um, I started to, uh,

I just kind of started to do what you guys did. And then I, um, I got a job, a temporary

job here in la, um, an offer. I was, I was moving and I ended up out here. And then I

had that stalker in, out in New Mexico. Oh, that's another reason why I didn't do Facebook.

Like you guys tell your private stuff on the internet anyway. so that was me.

Yeah. Um, but I had to get her out of town. Um, um, something, I felt like, um, I'm trying

to solve that guy even though he's my roommate, so, uh, so thank you.

get out of town because of the stalker and I ended up out here and I tried going to some AA

meetings I was telling somebody but they you guys clapped out here they didn't clap in New Mexico

and you guys paused at a different place in the Lord's Prayer than they paused at over there and

I thought this is I think I totally overreacted and that that this was a little extreme for what

my problem was and so that's how it felt and then I um um I thought maybe I wrote down like a list

of rules for myself and how I would drink this time like I wouldn't drink with anybody from work

I was only going to drink on Friday and Saturday night um I didn't know what to do with Sundays

because I was off but then there was Monday at work that one was like that one kind of stumped

me when I was writing out my rules

and um anyway within so this is how it was when I was gonna do it I was gonna control it I didn't

know the lingo then really controlling and enjoying but I thought okay if I follow these

rules technically I should be able to drink and I'll be okay you know I had I was in a new city

and I could get a fresh start but like this is what it would look like I remember um I had a

series finale like the big finale and so I thought there was a half a bottle of wine and I thought

I have myself a glass of wine and watch Seinfeld on the couch like normal people.

Like, doesn't that just sound nice, right?

Never mind that I have no interest of drinking one glass of wine.

Like, zero, none, ever.

I don't even kid myself anymore.

That doesn't even sound good to me.

And so I was curled up, and you can just picture it, like a normal person, right?

Next thing I know, it's 6.30 in the morning.

I'm walking into my place with a different guy that my boyfriend, I remember, is like,

this is kind of boring.

He went to bed.

And so I was going to stay up and enjoy my glass of wine.

And I really liked that guy.

Like, that was the best I had had.

He had a real car and everything.

Like, he had a nice car, and I was like, that way, I was happening.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, too, that I went out on Listerine, because normal people do that, right?

So, like, I got on my knees.

I asked God to keep me sober.

And then I...

I just kept drinking the Listerine.

I had been rinsing my mouth with it.

And, again, that tasted fine.

I don't know what the big deal was.

It tasted just like alcohol.

It tasted the same as anything else.

And then for, like, a week, I was like, you went out.

You didn't go out.

You went out.

You did not go out.

You went out.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then I decided, you went out, so enjoy a glass of wine.

Over time.

So that was, like, how that went.

And so 6.30 in the morning, I'm coming into my place with a different guy.

We're, like, glimpses of the night, doing some cocaine with somebody.

No idea if I got there.

My boyfriend was calling.

I literally walked into my room to my phone ringing.

Like, not even any time to think of the story.

He's like, what happened to you?

Oh, I just...

I had to go.

I don't know.

You know how you just have to make up your stories as you go along?

Again, back to, like, it's so much work to be, like, out there, to live that way and have a life.

You know, it's better just to be alone, because then you don't have to explain anything.

And then, and it happened a lot, because we didn't have cell phones back then.

So, you know, if you got separated from your friends or whatever, you just kept on going till, like, the story ended or whatever.

And then you find your way home somehow.

Some pathetic somebody who's still in your life will come pick you up or just, that's just what that was like.

But anyway, so that was me just having a glass of wine over Seinfeld.

And then I found out later that...

What had happened, that his roommate came home and had vodka frozen in the freezer.

Like, I never would have thought to look for vodka in the freezer.

Like, it never lasted that long.

But I guess normal people will keep it in the freezer.

And so there was that.

And I guess I had to take some volumes of hers.

And then, like, I just, yes, yes, yes, or whatever came my way.

And then that's how I ended up.

And that was when things were, like, perfect.

I remember thinking, this is awesome.

This guy is cute.

He has a car.

He has a real apartment.

Like, his own room in a house.

And I had a job.

I mean, if you just check, check, check, I'd never had it so good.

And that's the best I could do and burn that thing to the ground in one day, you know.

And he was, you know, of course, wanted nothing to do with me after that.

I mean, just...

So I drank for a little bit longer.

And then he...

I was trying to get him back.

And so he said, yeah.

But you can't drink, you know.

And then I said, well, he said, in AA, you know, you can't drink.

Because he had known I was in AA.

And I said, well, you can drink wine and beer in AA.

And then he was like, oh, you can't?

And then, like, a couple days later, he goes, you know, I checked into it.

You're not supposed to drink anything.

And so then I wanted to get him back.

Because that was, like, the best thing I'd ever had.

Like, he had a car.

I mean, I hate to say that.

But I dated a lot of losers.

So he was like, a car.

And so I came to AA to get him back.

And, you know, like I said, there were reasons out there.

There were bottoms that I'd had.

There were places I woke up.

There were places I woke up when I was 10 years old that I should have been my bottom

and were way worse than most bottoms I've heard in here.

I should have gotten sober when I was 10.

And I didn't.

And I just kept on going, trying to find a way to live.

And so it was, who would have thought it was James that was going to do it to get him back.

And so I came.

And, you know, when I got to AA, I was kind of bitter.

And I thought, this is, like, the last place, you know?

And so I was honest.

I told my sponsor.

I said, I just want you to know I'm just doing this to get him back and get a little traction under my fee.

And she said, that's fine.

That's all right.

I'll work with you anyway.

I was so glad she understood alcoholism to know that that didn't matter.

What I was doing right at this exact moment was all that mattered.

And so I'm really grateful that she understood alcoholism like that.

And so I did it begrudgingly and bitterly and angrily.

Anybody who knew me when I was new, I was really pissed off.

And so I was pissed off to be here, you know?

I was like, being an alcoholic was bad.

But the solution to alcoholism was just way more than I could handle.

I was so devastated, really, to be an alcoholic.

And there was, like, I even, I remember just grieving giving up alcohol.

I mean, that was, like, it was everything to me.

It was so meshed in my personality.

I didn't even know where I started and alcoholics stopped.

I mean, the idea, like, people would say, well, you want to go out to dinner?

And I would think, why?

Like, you can't.

You can't drink.

Why would you want to go out to dinner?

Like, that's just lame.

I just, like, if you can't drink, you just wanted to die, really.

I didn't think about how you did laundry.

Like, why would, anything.

I mean, I never even, I drive drunk.

I mean, drive sober, go somewhere.

I was interested in nothing, you know?

I just was, like, without alcohol, I was just a zero.

There was nothing.

It had become my everything.

It was life itself to me, frankly.

I don't know.

I don't know how else to put it.

And so I, but I stayed here just because I needed a different plan.

I was just here to find another plan, really, a better plan.

And as I got sober, that guy finally left me for somebody else.

And then I had about 10 months sober.

And I thought, why am I here?

Like, I just did this to get him back.

And I was at a meeting.

I remember I was at the Saturday night meeting in Santa Monica.

And somebody asked, like,

why I was there.

And, like, just after 10 months, it wasn't good.

Because I was definitely, like, a slow bloomer.

But I feel like at 10 months, the scale had tipped just enough that I had,

enough had been revealed to me, just in general, that I, it was,

I had a glimmer of what I wanted.

And it was better than what I had had.

It was, it was maybe a little bit of hope.

Maybe a little bit of, maybe this could work.

Maybe there's another way to live.

Maybe I could get this thing.

Like, maybe something, there was something,

there was something here, you know, I had, I was laughing again, I was talking again.

I remember when I was newly sober, everyone, it seemed to, it would seem like everybody

was saying this around me.

Oh, I don't have a job.

I'm unemployable.

My sponsor tells me I'm unemployable.

And I would tell my sponsor, like, I'm unemployable.

I can't do this anymore.

And she's like, you're gonna work until they fire you.

And I mean, I like kind of came to in a job that I didn't know how to do.

I mean, I was like, in charge of, like, making multiple jobs.

Like, multi-million dollars decisions, on credit decisions, on contractors.

And like, I got sober and my attention span, it just shrunk to nothing.

And I job, I had to read contracts and financial statements.

And I would read the same paragraph over and over again, literally for days on end.

I couldn't, nothing would sink in.

My brain was so messed up.

So much alcohol that I, sobriety, like, it was just, I was so overwhelmed.

Um.

I remember calling my friend Harmony and she would say, well, just read the first page

and call me back.

I mean, like, AA, seriously, like, just, they went in there.

It wasn't like AA came and cleaned my house and did my laundry and helped me.

But I showed up for AA and people, like, really showed up just to help me get through the

days.

And I remember, like, four months sober.

I always remember this.

Um.

They asked me to share from the podium.

And I knew enough in my home group, like, at four months, that nobody shares from the

podium.

Nobody bitched.

It was not like a whine fest.

And I was like, I got nothing good.

I got nothing good to say.

But that day, I had gotten up from my desk and made a copy.

And then I sat back.

That's all I did.

Like, like, they paid me a lot of money and I was just sat there looking out the window

and watching airplanes land.

I couldn't do anything when I was new.

When I got sober, like, oh, I was really just, I was a vegetable completely.

And um, I know people were like, what's wrong with her?

But um.

And thought I was still, but I wasn't loaded.

I just kind of ran out of gas.

But I, uh, I was more like, live it in my head, I guess.

And um.

And so, I got up from the podium and said that I had made a copy.

And I remember, like it was yesterday, walking back to my desk and thinking, oh my god, I

cannot keep this up for the rest of my life.

Like just the idea, the energy that it took me to get up and make a copy.

Um.

I just thought I was going to die.

And um, I thought sobriety was going to kill me.

I, like, I.

I was so.

I felt like, um.

I felt like I just wanted to unzip my skin and go running.

I mean, I was so uncomfortable.

I, I, uh, I physically just, I would, I felt pain.

And um, and so I, uh, but I didn't have anywhere else to go.

I was still trying to figure that out.

And um, um, I just kept doing it.

I did things like, I would never have worn something soft like this.

Like back in the day, I would, I would wear like those stiff, more cotton iron shirts.

Cause I just had no oomph.

I couldn't even hold myself up.

And so I thought, well, um, one day in particular, I remember feeling like pretty good.

Like the best I had been feeling, you know, and I walked, you know, from into my office

and back to my desk and someone saw me and they're like, are you okay?

And I'm thinking, she's like, that was the best.

Like what do I look like?

Like I couldn't, I couldn't, um, get any traction under my feet.

Like, um, sober.

I mean, I just couldn't, I, for me, like, I feel like everything even got worse.

It was like alcohol was this glue that hold, held me together.

And um, after I stopped drinking, things got way worse before they got better.

And um, I was really grateful that I heard that in my, uh, in my home group and in meetings,

um, that, that alcohol, um, for alcoholics, that alcohol was the solution.

Um, because it rang true to me.

If I, I think if I hadn't heard that, I, I probably would've thought this isn't it either

because I felt so bad without alcohol and, um, I couldn't think, I just, um, and I felt

sick and stuff.

So for a long time, probably like a year, I didn't really feel good.

But, um, like I said, super slow bloomer and so depressed.

Oh my gosh.

I thought I was going to die.

And, um, and, um, but I kept on coming.

I started having belly laughs here.

I started laughing with you guys.

You guys started laughing at my crazy stories.

I was laughing at yours.

And um, I remember sitting next to somebody one time who was with her boyfriend.

She had brought him there obviously.

And the speaker was really funny last night.

I mean that night.

And we were just really cracking up and I leaned over and I said, wasn't he funny?

And she goes, I don't think he was funny at all.

I was like, okay, she's a little too close to the.

She's a little too close.

She was not the alcoholic, you know, and, um, and like, I just feel like that the laughter

is so healing here that, that we get, um, even to this day, like, uh, uh, we can be

down in the dumps, you know, um, they, my sponsor had me calling three women a day when

I was new.

And, um, you were very unlucky if you got my one call, cause I'm like, I'm just filling

my quota.

My sponsor said to call three people and it's you and, uh, I mean, seriously, I, I love

it.

I love it.

I love it.

I love it.

I love it.

And I've never met new people like that.

Cause I totally, I just know, you know, and some people get so offended.

Um, in fact, when I got to my nine step, my sponsor's like, let's make amends to everyone

in our home group, cause this is where you have to live for awhile.

And it was just like, people really took us seriously.

You know, like I look at them like, oh, they're new.

Like I get it.

But, um, anyway, and I, I was very good at faking it.

I remember my sponsor telling me like, Janet, you need to tell people what's going on with

you because you look really good on the outside.

on the outside. Because I was still faking it and showing it for my job and still trying to

make it look really good on the outside. But I was so messed up on the inside. I was so,

so not right. But I made those three phone calls a day. And I made friends here. And what I did

and what worked for me was I built a life here in AA that, you know, I could say I lost a lot

of things, you know. I screwed up a lot of things. I remember one time my dad had, he put, I don't

know, he probably put like $500,000 into a software program developing that he had had. And I was the

face of it. So I was going to, I was taking it out to market and showing it and doing presentations

all over the country. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And I was like, I'm going to do this.

I had gotten, and I remember the way I even got people together back then. That was when I reached

out and I talked to like the main person that could really make this thing come together. And

he's like, this is great stuff. Are you going to the cocktail party later? And I'm like, oh no,

I won't be there. Like back then, before, it was like, oh, I don't go to cocktail parties with

people like from work. Because I would end up sleeping with you and everybody else. Like where

it went. Like that's, I didn't, I knew that.

So that was back then. And I, I put together, I remember we were all getting together in Chicago

and we had like the heads of five or six insurance companies, which, you know, it was just a miracle

if you know the business and it was going to really streamline them. And I was going to do

a presentation and I had, I was so prepared. It was such a big deal. And one, I, the developer

gave me some last minute updates that I was kind of going through in my room and someone came by

my room and was like, have you ever tried beer? And, um,

tomato juice or a beer in V8 juice? No, I never have. So I had to try it. And then, uh, there went

that, you know, the, the mini bar was empty. I was so sick and hungover. I was late. I, I, I walked

into the room. Everybody's there waiting. I ruined the whole presentation. How do you make amends for

that? How do you fix that? Like, how do you go back and, and, and, um, and do that? So, um, I

heard a lot of people out there. I heard a lot of people out there. I heard a lot of people out there.

I mean, that was like a big dream of theirs that they had put together. And, um, and it took a lot

of time to get to that point, you know, and there was really nothing wrong. It just, who wouldn't

try V8 and beer if you've never tried it before? And someone suggested it. And how harmless is

that? It's like a vegetable. So I didn't know. I, I, I just, um, I, I, I just, I'm like the,

maybe with V8, it won't, doesn't count. Like that counteracts, whatever.

But, um, it was actually really good. So if you go out, you should try it. Um, but so, um, that was,

I don't have like a very exciting story. Kind of pathetic. It's good. I don't drink. I'm loud.

Like I said, obnoxious. Um, um, and totally unpredictable. Okay. So, um, but I kept doing

it because I had nowhere else to go as I got sober. And the longer I got sober, the more I realized

how pathetic, how messed up I was, how good I had it. And, um, and once I got a taste of recovery

and once I started doing the steps and once, um, and I, I was one who like did amends, like not

believing I wrote an honest inventory. Like I wrote it all because you're an AA, like you're

at the bottom end of the block. Like it doesn't get any worse than this. Just be honest. I mean,

I put stuff on there, like my fifth step after doing it, I was like, I should not have said all

that. But, um,

I, uh, I would make amends to people that, um, I did things contrary to what I felt even making

amends to people. I didn't even know I had heard them. And they would, um, they would say back to

me, yeah, you were really bad. And I think I was like, I was still shocked to hear it. I was still

somehow the truth came out in the steps and doing it. And, um, and now, uh, I have built a life

here. My best friends are here. Um, um, I hate to talk about so much for me. It's not about like

the, oh, the kids.

I'm gonna pick a fence and I got married and blah, blah, blah, because the truth of the matter is for

me, um, I didn't have a lot of that for a long time. And I think, uh, in AA, I don't think we're

protected from life, you know, cause there's divorce and I have friends who have lost children.

And I don't think that, that, um, that things like that equal my sobriety, that that doesn't

define it. And that's not what, what makes it great. Um, I think the extent to which I can

let go and the extent to which I can, I can enjoy and live and bask in the love of God,

and the gifts, and at the same time, um, walk through loss and heartbreak and everything else

with dignity. What, what AA has given me really was, is a way to live. It's given me, um, no matter

what, um, I have tools here today that will get me through absolutely anything. I have seen it here

or I've experienced it here. And to me, that's, that's what we have come upon this, like the

great solution here, you know, and you can call it, you know, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

um, whatever you want, but it's a, it's a, it's a way of life. And so for me, I, I just, I hold on

to it for dear life because, um, doing it my way and meditation like three days ago, the daily out

of the 24 hour book was, um, something like, uh, I'm just going to do it God's way today because

when I do it my way, I just mess it up, you know? And I do, I, I mess up everything, um, that I try

and just control and manage and, and whatever, but I'm, um, I will forever be grateful just to,

to be taught how to live here because I, uh, I had no idea. I didn't get the rule book.

Uh, I don't get people who do. I see my son even like doing things that are just thoughtful.

That's so weird. I didn't even, I didn't know. I didn't have anything about that, um, in me,

but I find even now at 20 years, I do find more and more that my first instinct, my first reaction

is kind and good and awesome. And like, who is that girl? I mean, I'm really still like,

two people trudging this road, but, um, but I'm very grateful to be here. I'm humbled to be a

member of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're new, I hope you get to stay here. Um, it ha it, it's not

easy to, to do this thing, but it's, um, for me, I just no other way, you know, I tried really

everything else. And so I'm grateful to be here. Thank you.