From Locker Rooms to Sobriety: Theresa's Journey

Can you see me? I wore heels because I had a feeling. I'm Theresa. I'm an alcoholic.

I'd like to welcome the newcomers who are here and the birthday people. Congratulations

to you. You know, I'm an alcoholic and I found out through Alcoholics Anonymous that it really

isn't my fault. It's also today is 420. I thought that was quite early. So if you were

hoping if 25 years ago you asked me to go blow a big fat one, I would join you. I was

quite in love with that stuff and I wasn't talking about anything sexual in that. So

that might have been a prelude to it, but I don't know. Anyway, um, you know, I, I'm

here to tell you what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. And, um, I got a lot

of help from my sister who is not an alcoholic. She asked me if I had written my speech yet

and I said, no, we don't write speeches. You come up here and tell it from the cuff. We

tell it from our heart and we ask God to help. And that's really basically all that is.

I told another friend I was doing it and he's a public speaker and he started giving me,

he texts me all the ways to speak in a public and I'm like, they're not alcoholics. So what

I do is just tell you what it was like. Um, it is my story. And, um, you know, thank you

to the main, the two speakers who spoke, they really told a lot of my story. And so I'm

really don't have to say much because I could just leave because they really did tell my

story. But cause I did feel a little like something was wrong, but not that much. Um,

it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was,

but not until it really, I started to really take it all in. And, well, I can tell you

that, um, my father was a functioning alcoholic. He put a little in his coffee in the morning

in his thermos. He put a little in his thermos. He had a little Scotch when he got home every

night. And that was, that was it, you know, Paul mall cigarettes all the time, my mother

was not so much an alcoholic at all. And, um, and they got together in the fifties.

So, you know, when she told me this story, she thought she knew I was having trouble,

but she told me the story.

She said, and this is very intimate, but it changes.

Anyway, she said the honeymoon night, she was very confused.

She didn't know what was going on.

And so my father was upset and she's like, should we cancel the wedding?

You know, should we end it now?

And he said, no, we'll take you to the doctor tomorrow and we'll have the doctor talk to

you about sex and what it was like and everything.

And she said, are we going to have to bring back the wedding presents?

That's what I'm concerned about.

I tell you that because 13 years later and eight children later, they sort of figured

it out and they figured it out really well.

I have an older sister.

She's a little bit taller than me, blonde and blue eyed.

And then I have two older brothers and four younger brothers.

So I grew up basically in this locker room with the smell of sock perfume and athletics

all over the place and a lot of fighting.

There was a lot going on with those brothers and I was the tomboy and my sister was not.

She was the princess.

And so I was trying to fit in with those guys all the time.

And I tell this story all the time that, you know, they lived across the hall in the boys

room and my sister would sneak out at night and I put pillows in her, we had bunk beds,

of course, there was so many of us.

And there was bunk, I'd put pillows in and she'd sneak out and go to the library.

And I would, I would sneak out of my room and sit outside.

The boys room listening to them talk because all I wanted was to be a part of them.

And I just wanted to be a part of that.

And they would say things like, you can't come in here, we're pitching tents.

And I didn't know what they were talking about.

And I would adamantly tell them, I can pitch a tent too.

And they go, not like this, you can't.

And it was a constant, constant story that they were telling me all sorts of things that

I didn't know what they were talking about.

And so I wanted to fit in all the time.

And I would fight with them and I'd walk with them and I'd talk with them and I'd try.

And so my language is a little bit off cuff all the time.

So because I grew up with these boys, you know, just these boys, and I was not really

all that great of a sportsman, but I was definitely much better than many of the women in here.

I got to tell you, I didn't, it was like, all right, Teresa, you're playing, get up,

get off the bench, get off the couch, let's go, we need you.

And I'd be like, what?

No, no, don't put me in the outfield.

And the ball would hit me in the head.

But I went.

I wound up becoming quite athletic, but I did become a gymnast and a cheerleader.

And I was captain of the cheerleaders because I had so many, you know, so much athleticism.

But I did get kicked off from cheerleading in my senior year for drinking at the games.

So it did show up.

And the other thing that it started, I mean, Avery talked about the alcohol on the gums.

You know, that was part of, that was just medicinal.

You know, that was what they knew of medicine back then, how to get the kids quiet.

And then with my father, he was, he would get really angry at us.

He was not a violent drunk, but he, we did get popped.

I got to say, we did get popped.

We did get hit.

We did get the finger poking in the chest and you will listen to me.

And my brothers learned from that and they learned to beat up on each other.

And they learned to beat up on me until they did try to hit me.

And then I would beat the crap out of them if they touched me.

And my father would come in, what are you doing?

You're hitting your sister.

And they go, but, but dad, she tried to kill us.

She tried to kill us.

Well, that's why you don't hit your sister.

She'll kill you.

So, so I, I had this weird upbringing, you know, of, of males and watching sports all the time.

I never knew you didn't have to watch sports all the time.

I still watch sports all the time.

I don't know that you're not supposed to know all the football players or all the teams.

I didn't know that.

And my sister was off being the princess.

She was just off.

She was gone.

She was five.

She was five years older than me and she was gone.

And at one point, my parents won this trip to Florida.

We're from New York and there was a lot of large families in there.

I can say I'm Irish Catholic, but I don't consider myself doomed Catholic.

I, it was really more of a healthy upbringing and thank God there was some spirituality in our family

because that was something that graced my mother and she was very good to us.

She was very kind to us, but I can say we did get popped once in a while from my dad.

And I learned right away.

You know, like if he's, if he's going to get at us, if he calls us all out into the living room at, you know, some midnight or something and because somebody's done something wrong and he's, he's mad at us, just start crying.

It will save you from getting smacked upside the head.

So I learned that right away and all anything emotional to me now, I start crying right away.

So that's something trained to me.

Anyway, my father liked, my parents liked having a Manhattan on the weekends on Sunday, on Sunday afternoon.

After church and my, he taught me the, getting the glass cold and how to drink and, you know, and how the ice would melt and then he would pour it in there.

And my brother taught me that when we took the glass back to the kitchen to eat the ice, because it had such a beautiful taste to it.

And I remember crunching on that ice and that was kind of my introduction to what alcohol was, that nice sensation of burn to it.

When I got into high school, it became a puking experience.

And it was a totally different experience.

I can tell you that when I really, I never wanted to drink.

I never wanted to smoke.

And my parents moved me to Florida, moved my whole family to Florida.

There was 10 people in a car without air conditioning in July and they burned.

We stopped in Virginia and burnt to a crisp because we were all these East Coast ghosts and they burnt us to crisp.

And then we got back in the car and it was like, don't do that to me.

You know, it was just terrible.

It was terrible.

But we got to Florida, we moved there and it was culture shock.

Welcome to Rednecks and there's my Texas friend back there shaking his hand up and down relating.

And from New Yorkers who talk like this and said Brooklyn and New York like this, like this and say it again, say it again.

Let me hear you talk like that.

And I was trying to fit in.

I went to three different middle schools in three years.

But then I wound up.

Becoming a cheerleader.

But what happened was what I had dreamed of and had envisioned for my life in New York was not going to happen in Florida.

And I kind of gave up all those goals, all those things that I said that I'm not going to smoke.

I'm not going to drink.

I'm not going to do any of that stuff.

And I went over to a friend's house and she and there was a lot of different there was wealthy people like Jupiter Island is where Tiger Woods lives.

And so do a lot of other wealthy people.

And we were 20 miles from there.

So there was.

A lot of wealthy kids that went to our school and there were some really poor kids that went to our school who didn't understand who liked to wash their hands because they didn't have real water pumping into their house.

So it was things like that that we were that I was, you know, coming into.

So it was very different.

So I went over to Jan Reed's house and she had white shag, white, white carpets on her floor.

And it was a girl's party.

And her brother came home and we were doing all sorts of silly things that girls do.

And I was vice president of the student.

Council teenager of the month that year.

And I was the captain of the cheerleaders.

So I was quite hotsy totsy.

So I got invited and they were going to drink Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

I still remember it on white carpet.

And we were sitting around and we were playing these silly games.

I don't know, with cards or something.

And her brother came in and he introduced me to 420.

And he was the most handsome, handsome man I've ever seen to this day.

And well, not to this day.

I mean, I've seen lots of people.

So anyway, but he was so handsome and he introduced.

And I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And said it a million times.

Don't worry.

You don't get stoned the first time.

You don't, you can't hold it in.

You won't hold your breath.

And by the time the Strawberry Hill started to take effect, I said yes.

And it worked right away.

You know, I was on.

The next day, screw everything.

This is the way to live life.

Why don't people live like this all the time, every day?

What's wrong with my parents?

What's wrong with everybody?

We're going to school.

Who's got it?

Who's got alcohol?

Who's got this?

Where are we going?

And I mean, my whole life changed.

We would sneak out.

We would, we would skip school.

And in Florida, there's a lot of bugs.

I'm laughing.

There's a mosquito that showed up for me today.

But there's things called chiggers in the ground.

And if you sit for long enough, it gets into your skin.

And then we would skip school and we would be drinking and all this stuff.

And then we would go to school.

And then we'd go down there and be scratching all day long.

Just how do we get rid of this chigger stuff, you know?

And anyway, so I wound up, you know, partying through high school.

And I almost failed 10th grade because I was skipping school so much.

And they called me and they said, you know, you've got two days and you fail 9th, 10th grade.

And I couldn't go back to my parents and shame them like that.

I had already been caught shoplifting, which was enough shame.

And now I just couldn't do it.

And so I made the decision, which, you know,

it's her, the girl I'm hanging out with, not me, the girl who's inside of me.

So I decided not to hang out with her anymore.

But I found other people who did the same thing.

But I did wound up getting through school.

And I did graduate high school.

But I didn't know what to do.

You know, I had no idea what to do.

I was so confused.

And I remember my mind shifting in high school as to this really wasn't my plan.

I thought I was going to be, you know, it, successful, you know, somebody great.

I was going to get one of those superpowers.

You know, soon to be somebody great, or something, or something.

And I wound up moving to California because my sister had moved to California.

And I brought everything with me.

You know, like we, they, they gave us so much marijuana to cross the border.

There was, there was a joint for every state I crossed.

And there was alcohol and there was everything.

And we, me and my brother just, we were best of friends and we crossed all the way over.

And I got to California thinking everything would be great.

And that I was going to go to school, and I did.

I took piano and art classes and ballet.

And I did not take math or science or anything that was important.

And when I, and I kind of, my brothers were physical with me.

You know, they were, they were very physical with me.

And I thought that was the reason that I couldn't have relationships with men.

I mean, I did have a relationship with a guy.

And of course he hit me because I was, I could be antagonistic, I guess, but you know, my

brother had me down on the ground.

He was shoving my head into the ground and he, and I said, I'm leaving, I'm moving, I'm

getting out of here.

And I moved to New York within three months I was gone.

And then I was on my own because I said, you know what, my family, this is upsetting me,

but my family will not follow me to the snow.

They like good weather.

And so I went to New York, back to where I was from, and I met with old friends.

And you know, this girl said, I said, I feel like I'm going to recovery or something because,

you know, I'm not smoking or drinking anymore.

And this woman turned and looked to me and she had been in recovery where she was in

Al-Anon.

So she knew a lot of people in recovery and she just looked at me and she goes, do you

need someone to talk to?

And I was like, oh no, no, no, no.

But I related to the first speaker, I'm sorry, I forgot your name.

Because when I was in California, I constantly was, there's something wrong.

I don't know what's wrong.

There's something wrong.

And I'd be walking around, crying my eyes out through a field of flowers and everything.

And it should be a beautiful day.

And I'd be crying my eyes out.

Going, there's something wrong.

And I remember a doctor walking by saying, you should not be crying like that.

You should not be that upset.

I don't know what's hurting you, but get some help.

And I was like, I just cried more, you know, I just kept crying.

I cried all the time.

And I knew, and I, and when I got to New York, I really realized that I had been abused by

my brothers.

And I thought that that was, that was the problem, that the abuse was the problem.

And that was what was hurting me.

But anyway, after like a couple of years, my father passed and I said, you know, and

I went, I had moments of sobriety and I had, I would not drink for a long time and I would

not smoke for a long time.

I smoked cigarettes like crazy, but I did, you know, was really trying to keep it together.

But you know, it was like that gripping the arm rest, you know, trying to be sober.

And when I got to, um, and my father passed and I said, you know, he had a good time drinking

and smoking.

I'm going to do that.

I'm just going to do that from now on.

And within three years.

Yeah.

I had no intervention.

I had been walking around.

I remember I got to a point where I didn't want to go up into my apartment because I

knew what was up there.

I knew because if you think that alcohol was not my problem, I had a box of wine, which

was classy.

I had Bacardi, which was really classy.

I had, um, Bailey's, which I didn't think had alcohol in it.

I'm 30.

I was in my thirties and I didn't think it had alcohol in it.

I'm like, um, I was definitely losing brain cells quickly, quickly.

And I had Samuel Adams, which I loved.

Oh my God.

I love Samuel Adams.

And, um, I would live in that little apartment and wonder when things were going to get better.

And I would think of all these things I would do.

And I would have conversations with God and God wanted my advice.

He was very happy that I was giving him suggestions, what, what to do.

And I was sitting there intoxicated, staring at my foot.

I don't know if any of you remember staring at your foot with your foot up.

And just sitting there staring and going, I wonder when I'm going to pick that piece

of paper up.

Not now.

And I didn't want to go up there anymore because, and I, that's where I lived.

And anyway, um, this girl who I walked down the communion aisle with in New York, I was

friends with her family.

There was 13 in her family, eight in my family.

We were very close.

We all knew each other.

And she picked me up for, um, I don't, I forget what it's called, one of those speaker meetings

where somebody speaks.

Where you're not like a AA, but they're learning how to be speakers.

And she was going to take me there.

She had just had her hip replaced.

Say it again.

Toastmasters.

Thank you.

So we were going to Toastmasters to see this friend of hers.

Her brother Tony was taking me, was driving.

They had the childproof locks on the back.

She had just had her hip removed, so I couldn't crawl over.

And they proceeded to give me an intervention that was like the hellish experience I've

ever, ever experienced.

It was, I was so pissed off at them.

I couldn't believe that they were suggesting these things to me.

I cursed at them up one side and down the other.

And they proceeded for me to tell them their, to, to tell their story, tell my story, tell

my story and keep telling me.

And they were repeating it and repeating it.

And they said, you know what?

So this is your choices.

You're going to stop and talk to this girl.

You have three days to either stop and talk to this girl or we're going to put you in

a psych ward.

And I'm like, all right.

You are going to.

You are going to talk to this girl or you can go to some meetings.

You can go to a meeting every day for three days and introduce yourself and gets over.

And I'm like, yeah.

And or you can, there was all these suggestions that, that I could do and I didn't do any

of them.

And on the third day I started getting auditory hallucinations.

I don't know how that happened, but they are not the committee.

It's a lot worse than the committee.

It's crazy.

You are talking in your head.

And I thought they had done it to me and they didn't.

It was just coincidence, I guess.

I don't know.

But it got really bad and it was 24 hours a day, 24-7.

This Julie keeps looking around the model.

It was 24-7 and they kept telling me to jump out the window and kill myself.

And so I went to the, I wound up asking for help.

They took me to a therapist who I thought was a therapist.

It was a psychiatrist.

for 10 days. And I said, oh no, no, I'm fine. I'm really fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

And then three orderlies came in. They took my purse. They took my stuff. They walked me in,

slammed the door. A lady in white came walking up and said, she looked so like an angel. And she

said, don't worry. We'll protect you. Don't worry. Don't be afraid. They're just, they're okay. Like

all the other people in the psychiatric ward. And I said, that's okay. Because my family members

were quite like this. So I didn't tell you that I have a brother who is bipolar. My oldest brother

is bipolar. My sixth brother has schizophrenia quite severely, but he's still going around. My

fifth brother was severely alcoholic and bipolar. And my eighth brother is bipolar. I somehow didn't

expect this to happen to my life. And I was like, when that door slammed, I said, yeah, that's not

me. Whatever I've been doing with my life.

I'm obviously doing the wrong thing. And I haven't drank or smoked or done anything like that

since then, which was June 13th, 1995. So I'm going to be 24 years over. I'm 23 years over,

but I will be hitting that mark. I didn't say that. I do have a home group. It's the two same.

I forgot you're supposed to tell those things. So anyway, my first meeting was in the psych ward

and the woman had, didn't have any shoelaces that was with me

because she had to go to the psych ward. And I had to go to the psych ward. And I had to go to the

I tried to commit suicide by jumping off the Tappan Zee Bridge. And they told their story and I

related, but I didn't go to meetings. I went to about six meetings in a year and a half. And I

had voices in my head the whole time. And I really thought that I could do this on my own. And I

couldn't. And the voices finally said, you need to see a psychiatrist and you need to go to a

meeting. And I went to a psychiatrist and I went to a meeting. And it was the voice of a priest who

had been following me around in my head for, for a long time. He was very anxious. He was very

handsome in his, in his collar and everything. And he looked really cute. And so I listened to

him and I thought it was going to be the thorn birds and he was coming for me. And then he

would eventually show up and take care of me. And he didn't come and take care of me. And so I took,

I, I used to, I started, I started going, I lived in Oceanside. I moved from New York to Oceanside.

My brother came and got me. He's like, there's something wrong with you. I'm coming to get you

right now. And he flew to Newark and I got out of there. And I was like, I'm going to go to a meeting.

And he got out of the plane. I mean, he got out of the plane and we turned around and drove back.

I mean, that was it. It was like fly and then drive 3000 miles with my car. And he, he asked

me if I wanted to smoke. He asked me if I wanted a drink. And I said no every time. And I thought

somebody was listening to me. Somebody was around me. That's lights are talking to me, that

everything's talking to me. There's somebody recording me at any time now. Somebody's going

to be recording me. Somebody's recording me anyway. And I was really scared and I was really sick. I

was so sick. And I started going to the Catholic church down there.

St. Mary's by the sea. And I started, um, saying the rosary after church. And I was,

while I was saying the rosary after about a month, um, I could hear myself say the rosary

and the voices had stopped. And I was like, oh my God. And it got quiet for the first time in like

19 months. And I went down to, um, I went out and got my car. I was on my way to work. And I talked

to the voices. I started talking to the voices. I used to curse God and everything. And they'd go,

she's cursing God now. She's talking now. She's talking to us.

Oh, she's talking back to us. And whatever, however it was, Rosie O'Donnell and Clinton was

there and all these people were there talking. It was crazy. Anyway. So I said, I don't know what to

do now that the voices are gone. And he goes, you want to hear voices your rest of your life? The

voice said that. And I said, no. And, um, he said, turn the radio on. And I think it was the Beatles

started playing, let it be. And I just started crying. And it was just this one kind of coincidence

of, you know, I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry.

You know, this calming song came over me and I started to feel better, but I cried because I

cried a lot. I cried. I, it was like two years before I stopped crying and sobriety and maybe

because I wasn't going to meetings. But, um, I remember the first time I stopped crying, I said,

that's the first miracle. It was like three days and I hadn't cried. And I'm like, oh my God,

a miracle occurred. Anyway. So the voices went away. I got a sponsor. She, I went to a meeting

and the leader of the meeting came walking in the next day to where I was making,

smoothies at 38 years old going, this is sucks. And I don't know how I did this to my life. This

is just me making these smoothies and juices. And, and I was in charge and they'd say, is it

something I said? And I'm like, it's the voices in my head. And it was just crazy. Anyway, I was

so nuts. And, um, somehow he kept writing me up, but he wouldn't fire me. And I'm like, just fire

me, please. But I wound up going back to school, which was something that I'd always wanted to do.

And I would have breakdowns.

Number two pencils and scantrons and things that I just wasn't aware of. And, um, it was all very,

very, very hard, but I wound up graduating. I wound up, um, it took me years. And when she

wrote down the list of all the things I had to do, I'm like, I'm going to be really old when I

finished this. She said, you're going to get old anyway, honey, just go ahead and do it. So I became

a teacher and I became a high school teacher out in Paris, which is, um, Menifee Riverside area.

And it wasn't,

it wasn't the best area. And I was a terrible high school teacher because by this time I'm

starting to go through menopause and all the girls are starting men, you know, their menstruation

period. So it's not a good blend. And in fact, when there's over a hundred personalities that

I'm working with every day, and I have that many of my own, it's really not good. Just wasn't a

good experience. And, um, they were, they were just teenage boys, you know, and they were putting

condoms on the erasers and condoms on the doorknobs and condoms on the floor. And I was like, I'm going

to be a teacher. And I'm going to be a teacher, but I'm going to be a teacher. And they don't,

they don't do it. And I'm going to be a teacher. And I went to the bathroom and I put the phone

and I got so pissed off. One time I took, put the gloves on, you know, the emergency gloves that we

all have, teachers have for blood or something. And I took that thing off and I took the bathroom

pass and I put it on and I slammed it onto the wall. And I said, there's your bathroom pass.

You want to use it? Because I was crazy. I was still crazy. Anyway, an M80 went off in my

classroom one day. It wasn't a good day and it scared the bejesus out of me. And it also brought

the voices back.

which was not good and they were coming because I wasn't I wasn't I didn't want to take the

medication I didn't feel that that was part of Alcoholics Anonymous and you know I have a severe

illness you know it's not good and um so anyway this M80 goes off in my classroom the kids are

diving under the desk kids are yelling and um all this it was just a nightmare and I was in charge

why was I in charge of this I don't know this is not what I do I don't do this and um I took two

days off for work I took one day off after the day like a Monday because I was just really

shattered and then I went back to work and I got halfway through the day and I had this this

breakdown in the classroom and I'm crying and I'm like standing in front of everybody in a podium

talking and everybody's got their eyes on me and they're like she's crying and she's losing her

mind in the classroom and I'm like I walked out and I was going to keep going I was just going

to keep going and I came back and I went to I went to I called the the secretary and I said you got

to get me out of here I'm like I'm going to get you out of here I'm like I'm going to get you out

And I went down to HR and I said, you know, this happened and I've lost two sick days and I want my sick days back. And they're like, we're risk management and we should have brought you in right away. We're really sorry. And we're going to send you to urgent care. And I'm like, good, because I was, it was coming back. It was all coming back. And so they took, gave me five weeks off. I went to a psychiatrist. I went to a psychologist. I went for, and I have voices in my head and she goes, you have panic attacks and anxiety.

And you've probably had them your whole life. And I said, that's why I'm not married. I could never go up to a guy in my life that I liked and tell him that I liked him. I just couldn't do it. And here I am 50, 50 some years old. And by the end of that year, I sold my house that I bought for $80,000. Thank you very much. And $100 down through HUD because I was a teacher and I sold it for over $200,000. And I feel really good about that.

Anyway.

Anyway, I moved to Los Angeles because I had wanted to be a writer and I studied at UCLA for a little while. And then I got my master's degree online in creative writing and English. And I live over here in Sherman Oaks. And you know what? I love my life.

I wound up looking for a job as a high school teacher and I couldn't get a job. And I was like, I always did this. You know, God, what, what, what, God, what, why can't I do this? You know, why can't I answer the questions for the interview? Why can't I do?

I said, this is your fault. Your fault.

and then I got this email and the email said would you like to be an elementary theater teacher

and I said I would like to interview for that position and I got this job it's it's it's

difficult and it's the most fun I ever had because I was the kid that was on the porch dancing up and

down doing all these things I was you know the cheerleader that we didn't have dance though so

I was the one jumping up and down in front of everybody and so I was like so I went in I

interviewed and then and this was the interview we're going to offer you the position okay and so

now I get to say to little five-year-olds let me see you be a duck things like that and here we go

gingerbread man and things like that and it's really fun and that was grace from God now I have

this crazy neighbor and this neighbor is as nuts as I was and she doesn't take her medicine and she

slams the door

you

you

you

and she the other night which this is the norm this is the norm she got in a fight with her

boyfriend and the dog got out and so she's screaming at one o'clock in the morning she's

screaming for Sandy the dog and she's screaming and she's making slamming throwing things all

over the place and after a while I went nine one one and I'm like you know what I really should

go out there and tell her my story because you know she needs to know my story I should just

go out there and tell her and so I'm like I'm just gonna go do it so I go out there and I'm

cool stuff here is

out there and

okay

and I break into the room and I open the door because I don't think the police have come

and I'm any one of them in my neighborhood maybe but like a加 team and go out there and I open the

door because I don't think the police have come and I don't think they're coming and there's nine

police officers and they're like we're assessing the situation man please step back inside your

house Mike she thanks for coming out and I was up till about three in the morning and I'm really

concerned about her so that I'm just telling you that because that's what my that's that's my big

problem today is my neighbor because I don't have problems I've gone through you know I have you know

15 pounds that extra that's underneath it. I'm kind of financially having some issues, but you

know what, that's going to be taken care of. But I have this wonderful job. I mean, I have been

graced by God that I recovered from alcohol and drugs. And alcohol and drugs gave me this crazy

mind, you know, like my friend Annie, she's like, so what happened with your family? And I'm like,

I don't know. I don't know. But I'm really grateful that I'm here today and that I can

tell my story. It's, you know, I've done the steps three times with three different sponsors.

I've enjoyed it. I get something out of it every time I do it. I am so grateful that God has given

me Alcoholics Anonymous. I can tell you if you are an alcoholic and you're wondering why you're here,

it's not your fault. It's not your fault. None of this is our fault. You know,

we,

it's, it's genetically, you know, it's a psychological twist of the mind that happens

when we inject alcohol and things into our system. We didn't have a choice about it. And

I'm grateful that the choice that I did get to make, because the first meeting that I went to

outside of Alcoholics Anonymous, somebody that I knew, Keith Murdoch spoke, and he talked about

choices. And I was like, I'm not going to make that choice anymore. I'm not choosing it. I was

adamant. And I had like, when I would think of alcohol, I would get nauseous.

I would just have this psychological, I'm going to throw up. When I think about pot, I get this

thickness in my skull, my skull. I'm like, I can't do it. So my brother freaks out that I drink

Starbucks. He's like, you spent $4 on coffee. That's crazy. I'm like, I haven't had a drink

in 23 years. I'm going to buy some Starbucks. How much does alcohol cost now? I don't even know.

I was able to quit smoking by the grace of God. Everything that I do is by the grace of God. And

I have cursed him. I have cursed him. I have cursed him. I have cursed him. I have cursed him. I have cursed

him out one side and the other. I have been so angry at God. And I was so angry coming in here. I

didn't talk about how angry I was, but I was angry. And I couldn't do my steps for like a year. I

couldn't do my four step for like a year and a half or something because, and I didn't really

get into the program until I was in my second year. I didn't take a first year cake because

I thought I could do it on my own. I didn't think I needed it. So, so I, so when I did start doing

it, I had my sponsor, God bless her. Her name was Wendy Darling, and she loved Lost Boys.

Let me tell you. Anyway, so she would call me every day and say, give me a call because I

couldn't call her. And I would call her. I needed it. I needed someone to help me so bad. And I

didn't know how to make those smoothies. And I didn't know how to answer the phone my second

job after I got sober. I didn't, I didn't know how to, I never told my story. I don't tell it

in high school. And I've had some great, I had some great experiences in high school and the

kids wound up loving me, but it wasn't, it took a long time. And I love what I do now. And you

know, I have a good relationship with my family now. And I didn't always have that relationship.

I will tell you that my brother, three years ago, he died from alcohol. And I was in Florida at the

time. I flew my mom back to Florida because she's, she's 91 in May. So she's doing great.

My father passed at 64, but my mom is still around. She's doing great. And, but within,

five, I dropped, we took a red eye home, which we shouldn't, you don't do that with an elderly

person. And we took the red eye home and then we got a ride to our house, to the house. And she was,

we couldn't sleep. And so she got up and she spun and she fell and she broke her hip and I was out

for a walk. And so she laid on the ground for about 25 minutes going, Teresa, Teresa. And then

when I come in, she goes, I've fallen and I can't get up. She really said that like over and over.

Anyway, she said,

and then I needed to see my brother and I, cause I was going to borrow his car.

And, um, he walked out, he had neuropathy in his feet from, um, diabetes from, I don't know. He was

very sick. He was very thin. And this was a very handsome man who was best of the best of the best

at Nordstrom's, which is a great honor to get. And he's gotten it twice. It means you're the

best in your department. You're the best on the floor, the best in the store, best in the county,

best, whatever they pick you up. When you give you the honor, they take you, you're there.

Your parent, your friend, your family has your luggage pack. They fly you to New York City. You

walk down the red carpet. They have people flying, flashing you. This is who my brother was. And,

and my sister-in-law called me and said, she's the ex-sister-in-law. She goes, he was stayed

overnight and he is bleeding and we don't, can't stop the bleeding. And they took him to,

they took him to the hospital and I went to the hospital and I was waiting outside,

waiting in the emergency room. And I'm like, you know, what's going on? Can I go in and see him?

They're like, they're working on him.

And I'm like, okay. Finally, I'm like, it's like two hours later. And I'm like, can I see him?

And they're like, no. And it's like three in the morning, four in the morning. I go out to my car,

I fall asleep. I wake up, I go back in and they're like, he's up in intensive care.

And I go up there and there's plastic sheets on the floor, plastic sheets on his bed. There's

blood pouring out of his body. They have something in there making him breathe. Blood is coming out

of his, every orifice, his ears, his nose, everything. Cause he's had a, he's, I'm forgetting

the word.

Um, he's, he's having a bleed. So there's a, there's a vein that goes into your liver. And

when your liver hardens so much, the vein pops off and it starts bleeding all through your body.

And this is how he's dying. And I'm watching and I made the choice and he couldn't do it. And I'm

like, why am I the one that's here? And we, he wound up living for six months in the hospital.

And he was one pissed off, angry guy when he came to, and he was like, where are my cigarettes?

Give me something to drink. Where are my cigarettes?

And I'm like, is there anything you want to do? Yeah. Get the guy to get me some cigarettes. And

I'm like, oh my God. And so what they told us was let him be comfortable. Let him have what he wants

because he's not going to live. And he didn't. And if you're new and you're wondering how bad

is this disease, it will kill you. It just does. It will take everything from you. So, um,

on a happier note, um, I don't know, have one, but I'll think of it because there's one minute left.

Okay.

Now my brother who has schizophrenia is living with my brother, Lawrence, who lived with my

alcoholic brother. And you know what? He stopped smoking pot and he stopped smoking cigarettes and

he's doing well. I'm worried about my younger brother. I'm worried about my neighbor, but I'm

grateful to Oscar for asking me to speak today. And I'm grateful for all of you for being a part

of my sobriety because this is the easier, softer way and it will change your life. I have no idea

what your path will take you.

Where it will take you, what journey you're on, but I am super grateful to the life that I've been

given. I was very angry when I was younger that I'd never had children. I never married. And,

you know, I have these great nieces and nephews who give me so much joy. And, you know, I've

learned to be happy with what I have instead of fighting for something I don't have. And I hope

that you find what I found here. Um, there was a man, this is, I'll end with this. There was a man

who, when I first got to sobriety, there's two guys that I remember, angry Carl,

who said, if you go around carrying a hammer, you're going to find something to nail. You run

into three idiots in a row. It's probably not them. And then there was Bert, who was this huge,

um, six foot four. He'd been in three services, the army, the Marines, and the Air Force Reserve

now. And he said, I'm living the life beyond my wildest dreams. And I thought that was the most

pathetic thing that I ever heard in my life. And I am living the life beyond my wildest dreams

because I didn't realize that I didn't need,

I didn't need things to make me happy. I didn't realize that there was a way that I could get up

in the morning and enjoy my day without having stuff, you know, without having all those things.

So I'm grateful for your, for your, for everyone being here tonight. Um, happy birthday one more

time to the newcomer for, to the people who have taken cakes and welcome to the newcomers. I don't

know who else identified themselves, but that's all. Thank you.