Finding Comfort and Connection in AA

And now I'd like to introduce our main speaker, Gemma B.

Gemma B.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Gemma, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, I'm so happy to be here.

Thank you, Oscar, for asking me to speak.

I came from a talent show at my son's school that was four and a half hours, and I had to leave early to be here, so thank you.

It was beautiful and inspiring and delightful, but two hours and 45 minutes was enough, so I'm happy to be here in every sense of the word, and thank you to the 10-minute speakers, and also thank you, Joyce, for helping me get dressed.

I was in such a hurry that I didn't fully put my clothes on, and so I just love AA.

You know, I can just come here, and someone with time or, you know, will just be like, oh, you're not fully together.

And gently, gently.

Gently put me together, so that happened right there, so thank you.

I just checked the front.

The front looks okay, you know, but it's the problems in the back.

Anyway, and, you know, Oscar, when you asked me to speak, he sent me this letter of how to get here and all the directions, but when you said the meeting, I was like, I know, it's the meeting in the church with the bricks.

And so then I was driving here, and he called.

He's like, is everything okay?

I'm like, yeah, everything's fine.

I'm not lost.

I'm just looking for the church with the bricks.

I didn't say this.

But in my mind.

I was like, I don't need to read the letter.

It's the church.

And then my GPS told me where I was, and I was like, where is the church?

And immediately, I thought, my GPS is broken.

And, you know, that is just for me having alcoholism, which is that I think I know the answers, and then when I am not getting the result that I want, I think something's wrong with you, or the GPS is broken.

And not just, oh, I had the wrong idea, and I didn't read a very informative letter.

So thank you for all your help.

My sobriety date is July 5th, 1996.

I have a sponsor.

Her name is Debbie.

I have a home group.

It's Sunlight of the Spirit.

That doesn't elicit like a thing that you guys say, but that's okay.

I'm jealous.

I'm jealous.

I am from New York.

I got sober in New York.

My story is, you know, I'm an only child, and I have very loving parents.

My dad got sober when I was five years old.

My mom was an Al-Anon.

My dad was a therapist, and my mom was a priest.

And so I was raised in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I was raised going to meetings.

I was raised knowing what.

I was raised knowing what alcoholism was, and I had these parents who loved me.

And if knowledge of alcoholism could keep me from being an alcoholic, or if love could

have kept me from being an alcoholic, it would have.

But neither of those things could help me.

For me, I always felt like overwhelmed by my feelings.

I had huge feelings from the time that I was really small.

And those were feelings of fear, and they were feelings of inadequacy, and they were

feelings of being afraid people didn't like me or didn't love me, you know, and they were

being afraid that things were going to run out.

And I was afraid that I was different than you, and I was afraid I was like you.

I mean, I was just afraid of anything and everything.

And I was really uncomfortable in my own skin.

I felt like everyone else knew how to play and do things, and I just didn't get it.

And I was.

I was embarrassed of the things that were wrong in my family.

I was embarrassed in the things that were right.

You know, I was embarrassed.

My parents were married, and everyone else's parents were divorced.

And so I always said, like, oh, marriage is on the rocks, like, any day now.

They'll be breaking up any minute.

And I just was uncomfortable in my skin.

I was so uncomfortable in my skin.

And when I was five years old, I was at church, and I had communion wine, and I was having

a particularly bad day, a five-year-old day.

And I felt the warmth of that wine, and it smoothed out all my edges, and it quieted

my mind, and it allowed me to breathe.

And I knew it was my answer.

Like, I knew that that was going to be my answer.

And for a long time, it was.

And I pursued alcohol in this way of, you know, my parents had talked to me about alcoholism,

so I was really, like, trying very hard not to have it.

So I was very.

I was very controlled, and I had all these rules and ways that I would, you know, if

I drink on these days, it's okay, but those drinks, those days, it's not okay.

These hours of the day are okay to drink, but these hours of the day are not okay to

drink.

And then I wouldn't be able to keep up to those schedules, so then I would adjust it,

you know, and, but never just an adjustment, just a justification of, like, this just in,

like, the weekend is not Friday to Sunday, it's Thursday to Tuesday, you know.

And technically, and, you know, I, who I was when I drank was, I would say and do things that I

would not say or do when I was sober.

And the shame from the things that I did when I was drunk carried through, you know, so that I

felt like when I was not drinking, I was really unhappy because I was filled with all the shame.

To me, I drank because I drank.

I drank to get over the shame.

I drank to get over the shame that I had from drinking.

And so it was just a cycle of, and once I started, I could not stop.

I had absolutely the obsession of the mind and the phenomenon of craving.

And, you know, my story is that had I known that I was going to get sober at 19, I would

have done a lot more stuff and would have gotten a more fun story to share with you

for the next 20 years.

But I tried.

I tried so hard to, to manage that.

And what happened was when I was 19, I had alcohol poisoning and I'd had that before many times.

But I had, I had moved back to New York and my father, who had been sober for 15 years,

happened to be in the city.

He had been called into the city.

He lived in Yonkers.

He'd been called into the city for a job interview.

And when he got to the job interview, they were like, we have no idea why you were called for

this job.

You're not at all qualified.

And he didn't even have the interview.

And my dad was not someone who would go to the city for no reason.

Like, he was like, this, this has to have a purpose.

So he called me randomly and said, do you want to go to lunch so that that can be why

I came into the city?

And I said, sure, but it has to be a plain bagel and you have to bring it to me.

And I had been throwing up for 14 hours and I had a special kind of humility that you

get from throwing up for 14 hours.

And I had marks on my forehead and my chin from the toilet from going back.

And forth in the seat.

And I had tile marks on my face because I'd been, you know, sleeping and my clothes were

filthy.

And, and I opened the door, you know, hi, dad.

And there was this tiny moment of willingness that I had where I was able to tell him the

truth about what was happening and what I was doing and the lines that I was crossing

and the things that I was willing to do and the places that I was going.

There was a tiny moment of willingness where I was really honest with him that he would

not have gotten that story two hours later.

There was a desperation that I had in that moment and I told him everything.

And he said, you know, what's the next thing you have to do?

And I said, I have to go to work, but I can't stop throwing up.

And he's like, I can buy you, you know, you're in withdrawal and I can buy you alcohol.

And I was like, this guy gets it.

And I said no to that.

And I, you know, but, but then he went and, you know, a couple days later, my, my, my

mom said to me.

Um, you know, here's the deal.

Um, we think, uh, you know, because now my, like a couple of days later, I was feeling

better and I hadn't drank again, but I knew that I was going to that thing of like, I'm

never going to do this again, had passed.

And, um, and, uh, my mom said, you know, here's the deal.

Like, we think, um, we're sending you to school and it's very expensive.

Um, and we think you're going to die.

Um, so it's not a good investment for us.

Um, and if.

If you want to go to school, you have to get sober because, um, otherwise we're not,

we're not going to pay for it.

And so I didn't come here willing and I didn't come here feeling done and I didn't come here

grateful.

I came here on a very bizarre tuition program, um, that my parents had set up.

And, uh, I came here with my arms crossed and I came here not wanting to be here and

not thinking that I was an alcoholic and not wanting any part of this.

And I will tell you in case I forget that, um, you know, 22 years later, it's not going to be me.

That is not what it looks like.

That is not what it looks like anymore.

And, um, I haven't had a drink, um, since that day.

I did misunderstand what first things first and easy does it meant.

So I don't know what your rules are about talking about drugs, but I did have to change my date

because I thought you could still smoke pot.

But, um, that's why you need a sponsor.

Cause when you just translate those things yourself, um, interpret those things yourself,

you can make them mean whatever you want them to mean.

So that is why I've had to change my.

Sobriety date, um, by about a month.

But, um, so, um, here's what I know when I got sober, I felt really sorry for myself.

I was filled with self-pity.

I was filled with, you know, I am who I am when I'm drunk.

That's who I really am.

I didn't know who I was.

And I got sober at a time.

There was this meeting called never had a legal drink that had just started and, uh, in New York.

And it was started in a, um, in the, in a dorm room.

And now I think it's over 200 people.

Um, I haven't been.

In a long time, but it really saved me because I had that thing that made me different.

And I think a lot of people have that thing, right?

It might be, oh, I only did drugs or, oh, I'm too old or, oh, I lost too much or, oh, I didn't lose enough.

And mine was that I was too young.

That's what kept me separate.

That's what kept me terminally unique.

That's what made it seem like this wasn't going to work for me.

And it's what kept me different.

And so when I found a meeting filled with people who were younger than me, even, um, it took away that loophole, that thing that made me different.

And, um,

I had, um, I had a really hard time admitting to my innermost self that I had this thing.

You know, I, I constantly looked at why my story was different.

You know, we talk about just identifying with the feelings and not comparing the details, but I compared the details and I always came up short.

And, um, you know, uh, I did the, I did the bare minimal to be here, you know, and I sat in the back with my arms crossed and I left early and, uh, and I wasn't getting happy, joyous and free.

And then I thought that it was because there was something wrong with this program when really I wasn't getting in the middle, you know, and I didn't want to be here.

And for me, the answer to not wanting to be here at all, really in AA or on the planet, like was getting in the middle.

And when you are in something that you don't want to be part of, it doesn't seem like that makes sense.

Like, oh, if you don't want to be in AA, get in the middle of it.

But that is my experience that getting in the middle, dealing myself in, um, is the thing that, that helped me.

Um, and, um, you know, when I had about four years of sobriety, I called my sponsor and I told her, I was like, I want a drink.

And she said, where are you?

And I said, I'm at the international AA convention.

And she said, uh, oh, okay, well, what are you going to have?

And I thought, oh my God, I have the worst sponsor ever.

Like, you're not supposed to ask that.

And I said, I don't know.

And she said, well, where are you going to get it?

And I said, I don't know.

And she said, I don't think you want it.

I don't think you want to drink.

I think you want to feel better.

And for me, that was a turning point because my alcoholic thinking always equates wanting to feel better with drinking, you know?

And I, uh, and it is not when I think it through, that is not the answer.

And so she taught me, that sponsor taught me to be really good with my language and really precise, do accurate reporting of what I was feeling and what was happening.

And she said, do you, you know,

you want to feel better?

What makes you feel better?

And I said, well, going to a meeting and she's like, okay, so let's start this call over.

And I was like, um, I'm calling to tell you, I want to go to a meeting.

And she was like, great.

And, um, you know, and the other thing I said, I w I was so unhappy at the convention and she's like, why?

And I said, cause everyone's having a good time.

And she's like, really?

You've talked to 65,000 people and everyone's having a good time.

I'm like, well, Ron is having a good time, you know?

And, and, um, she taught me like everyone always, never that.

That.

Uh, never, always global.

I call it nag, you know, and that that's my alcoholism.

My alcoholism lives in these like absolutes of everyone, everything.

Never.

I'm never gonna cause I've always, you know, that is, that's my alcoholism.

And, um, you know, um, for me, it wasn't until I had about four and a half years and I heard a woman speak and she talked about the disease of our thinking and the way our minds work.

And that is when I finally really got this thing that like, I have alcoholism.

I have a way of perceiving, um, the world.

I have a way of looking at things that is alcoholic and is black and white is all or nothing.

It is, um, uh, you know, I wake up doomed.

I wake up with a, just a sense.

It doesn't matter what I do at night.

I wake up a dry drunk.

I wake up terrified that things aren't gonna work out, you know, and I live with a normie and I'm always like, I've got a bad feeling about today, you know, this is less true now, but, uh, and he's like, you always, you always do, you know, you always do.

And, um, I, for a long time in my sobriety, I went through life in a panic.

I just went from crisis to crisis and I would come to a meeting and I would share about my crisis and, uh, which is good.

That's what we're supposed to do.

But then someone would come up to me, like maybe they'd see me at another meeting six months later and they'd say, oh, how did that situation work out?

And I'd be like, um, what situation?

And they were like, I don't know.

You were really upset about it.

You were crying.

It was, I'm like, ah, you're gonna have to give me more.

Um, I don't know.

I don't know.

My experience in AA is that I fall apart over these things and I, and I, and I think the world is coming to an end.

And then, uh, I find, uh, I find a solution and I get through it.

And instead of taking the time to be grateful for the thing that worked out beyond my wildest dreams, I panic about the next thing, you know, I just move on to the next thing.

And, um, so, um, you know, I have, I have what I call, um,

like my alcoholic translator, you know, and I share this almost every time I speak, but, um, which translates like what, what you are thinking, um, for me.

And, um, I, I see everything through this lens of alcoholism.

So, you know, um, this happened a long time ago, but my husband came home one night and he said, hey, did you get cat food?

And, um, I started to cry and he was like, what did you just hear?

And, um, that is a key.

That is something we use in our marriage, you know, still, what did you, what?

Did you just hear?

And I said, you said I was a bad wife and, um, and that is what I heard.

And that is because I have this thing, this alcoholic, that means, you know, like, did you get cat food?

No, that means you're not a good partner.

That means you don't listen.

That means it's, you know, that means, that means, and then I'm worried about something over here instead of staying in the reality of what is actually happening.

Um, I have, um, you know, just this all or nothing, um, thinking this, um, you know, like I have, um, there must be married couples over there and there's, there's some looks happening, um, cause it's just alcoholism and it shows up the same in all of us, you know?

And, um, and I, I have, um, you know, this thing of like, not only is my alcoholic thinking a problem, right?

Right.

It really is.

But I think even more than my alcoholic thinking or my alcoholic solutions, you know, so if like my husband will say something, you know, today, like he didn't like how I was heating something up in the microwave, you know?

And, uh, like I, I didn't wrap it in paper towels, whatever.

And like, I think to myself, like, I'll leave, like, I'll just move out.

Um, I just, that is like, my button is like, I will, I will go.

Um, it's just.

I just don't think we can come back from this.

And, uh, so, um, so that's what my alcoholism looks like.

And so the, the solution is, um, coming here and, and coming to meetings and hearing people laugh and knowing that I'm not alone.

I'm not the only one who sees it this way and that it is just garden variety alcoholism.

And if we have the same problem, then we all have the same solution.

And you can remind me what it is today.

You know, you give me, Alcoholics Anonymous gives me, um, the word or.

Cause left to my own devices.

It's like, I'm having a bad day.

I'm going to drink, but Alcoholics Anonymous gave me, or, you know, or you can stay sober.

You know, um, when I get upset at my husband, I was like, I'm going to tell him exactly what I think of him.

Or, you know, you can call your sponsor, you know?

Um, uh, I am going to throw this.

Anyway.

Uh, um, you know, or I can come to him.

I'm going to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and share, put my dress on sort of, and, uh, share.

And, um, I, um, I'm just going to talk about where I'm at now, which is that, you know, I've been sober for 22 years and I've been doing the deal and I love Alcoholics Anonymous.

And, um, two months ago, I got into a thing with a defective character that I had to put down.

And, uh, because that defective character.

Was causing a lot of pain for me.

And then the act of putting that defective character down was so, is so much more painful than I ever could have imagined.

And, um, I, uh, have been in a place in my sobriety that I don't think I've been in since the beginning.

And, um, which looks like, um, really not knowing what the answers are and spending a lot of time in the fetal position and a lot of tears.

And.

And, um, uh, and a lot of unknowing, you know, I want to know what the answers are.

Like, just tell me what I'm supposed to do and I'll do it.

Like I'm this whole, like, just be in the, just be in the hallway.

No, no, thank you.

No, thank you.

Um, so, um, I, um, I, was it Martin?

Is that your name?

Milton.

Sorry.

Um, Milton, uh, you, Martin, and now I've given you a nickname.

I'm sorry.

Love AA.

Like you're going to be Martin forever.

I'm so sorry.

Okay.

Milton, um, said.

Um, that, uh, the thing about the desperation and I've heard people say that to newcomers.

Like I wish the gift, I wish you the gift of desperation.

And I always thought, oh my God, that's so mean.

Like that's such a mean thing to say to someone.

And now I understand it.

And what I love about Alcoholics Anonymous is that I can be here for over 22 years.

And now there are things that I understand in a different way that I can, um, my friend

Bird says like, this is a design for living that we don't outgrow, which means that the

same things that are helpful.

Me with my level of my time, uh, are the same things that were the exact thing that I had

to do when I was new.

You know, it's the same stuff.

It's just the love, the, the, the onion or whatever.

Um, and, uh, and I'm, it's, I'm uncovering different things, but, but it's the same stuff.

It's the same stuff that I have to do.

And, um, so I got to the point where like I was powerless over something in my life

had become unmanageable and I was desperate and I, and I got to a place where it felt

like I understand.

Like when they say grow or go, I understand, uh, why people go out with a lot of time.

And, uh, and I understand that I have to tell you because I can sound good.

I have to tell you the truth because you're not going to guess you're not going to guess

where I'm at.

There are a lot of people who are suffering in silence with a lot of time and I have to

be honest with you.

Um, you know, I'm from New York and so I have this, we have this house that we live in and

it has, um, a white picket fence.

And like, I literally thought that like, if you had a white picket fence, you would be

like, you didn't have problems.

Like that just seemed like the, the thing is like, if you have a white picket fence,

like everything is happy.

And to me, I think sometimes time becomes a white picket fence that people don't really

ask me how I am or think that I could be in as much danger as I was in.

And, uh, and I was in danger.

And so I had to like say that, which is that like, um, you know, uh, because not telling

you my truth, um, I can pretend that I'm fine all the way out the door.

And, um, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and

I, um, so, so I'm in this place of, you know, really, um, being honest about where I'm at

and, and really being in so much pain.

And, and so, so that, that was the first step and the second step.

And like, I'm seeking, like, I'm seeking a higher power, like nobody's business.

Like I'm asking people about their higher power.

I'm reading stuff on the internet.

I'm reading the big book again.

I'm reading the 12 and 12.

I'm Googling, you know, like how to get closer to God.

Like, this is not stuff I would do on a good day, you know, like when everything's going

well.

I'm not, I'm not fighting for my life on a good day like this.

Right.

So like, I understand the gift of desperation being a good thing now because I'm desperate,

like I'm desperate and I'm reading the book in a new way.

And I swear people are adding stuff to it.

You know, I swear that they are.

And I, um, you know, uh, I, I, I'm amazed by it.

Um, you know, um, this was added, um, this year on page 52, um, we were having problems

with our personal.

Relationships.

We couldn't control our emotional natures.

We were prey to misery and depression.

We couldn't make a living.

We had a feeling of uselessness.

We were full of fear.

We were unhappy.

We couldn't seem to be of real help to other people.

Was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see

newsreels of lunar flight?

Of course it was.

So that is new.

And, um, um, what happened was I had put my solution so into the fellowship, you know,

and so into being of service.

And going to meetings and, and I did all the showing up stuff, you know, if you say where

to be, I'll be there, but I wasn't doing the stuff that, uh, that takes place at home alone.

You know, when it comes to, uh, making a contact with a higher power, like that wasn't, that

was something I just talked about, but it wasn't something I did.

And, um, you know, um, the doing like the third step of like, just really getting to

the point where I've just like completely surrendered.

Like, I don't know.

I don't know what the answers.

And I totally give up and, um, and I'm willing, like, I'm so willing and, um, and I'm willing

for the first time to be uncomfortable without fixing it.

You know, I'm always like my whole life has been about how can I, how can I fix it?

How can I fix it?

How can I, I just want to feel better instead of actually getting better.

And that's what, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous is about.

It's about getting better and it sometimes takes time.

And, um, but there's, it's really outlined very well in this book, um, that what we need

to do.

To get better.

And, um, so I had this experience with the third step and like, where I realized like,

oh, I'm willing to be uncomfortable.

And, um, and I, and I, and I was able to pray in a way that I've never prayed.

And I was able to meditate.

Like meditation has been something I've struggled with, you know, my entire sobriety, but definitely

since I was 17 years sober, like try to meditate and I can't, I try and I try and I can't,

and I can't, and I, oh, and I, I started a meditation meeting, right?

So, cause I thought that that was it.

I thought that that would help me meditate.

Um, and I show up for that meeting, but I don't show up for a few minutes at home, you

know?

And, um, and so I had this experience when I meditated and, um, and everything sort of

shifted and I had a different experience and I've, um, been meditating, you know, steadily

and consistently since that experience, um, which was 25 days ago, according to my app.

Um, and, um, and, um, and one of the things that I realized is like, I've always had the

thing about the third step, which is that like, I just turn it over, you know, I just,

I'm just going to take my problems and I'm going to turn it over.

And then I imagine God like throwing them right back down, you know, it's like, oh, but

I turned that over, like I'm turning it over.

And I realized in reading the book this time through of like, oh, and then after we take

the third step, we, we have, we take action, like there's action.

It's not just like, okay, fix it, you know, I'm going to go, uh, binge Game of Thrones.

Uh, let me know when I'm better.

Um, I, um.

Which I'm, I mean, I'm still doing that, but, uh, um, so, so I'm doing like this really

thorough four step, you know, and, um, I am, I am doing the, the thing of like, you know,

writing down all my resentments and, um, you know, um, the cause and, and why, you know,

and, um, what most of it has to do with fear.

Like so much of it doesn't have anything to do with what the other person is doing, but

it has to do with what I think.

They, that means, and what that means about me.

And, um, you know, I, I am not to the fifth step this time around, but, um, I, I'm like,

I don't know, my sponsor's going to have to take a week off work.

I don't know how we're going to do it.

It's so long.

Um, and, um, but I know, you know, um, here's what I know about the fourth step, right?

Like, so a few years ago, my son went to a party and, uh, it was a pool party and he

came home and he was in tears and he was like, my friend pushed me in the pool.

And I was like, oh buddy, I'm so sorry.

And he was crying about it.

And he kept going on and on and on about, you know, his friend pushed him in the pool.

His friend pushed him in the pool.

And like after a while I was like, Hey, so what's the thing that you do that you really

enjoy doing?

And he said, why do you care so much about me?

And I was like, I'm not the person that you are.

I'm the person that makes you feel the best that you have been.

And my little friend, oh, he's a great guy.

He's a great guy.

He's done a great job.

And so I, I, I kept to work and I was a little bit, I was in the first year of my life.

I love work.

I love that it's not like all the other things.

is in tears. And he was like, my friend pushed me in the pool. And I was like, oh, buddy, I'm so

sorry. And he was crying about it. And he kept going on and on and on about, you know, his friend

pushed him in the pool, his friend pushed him in the pool. And like, after a while, I was like,

hey, so what's the thing that you did right before he pushed you in the pool? And he thought about it

for a second. And he was like, um, well, I went up to him. And I just was like, I'm gonna push you

in the pool. And I was like, oh, I think that I can help you see what happened, you know, which

is that he stepped on the toes of his fellows, and they retaliated. And he set the ball rolling by

threatening this kid. And the kid was just defending himself for, you know, he didn't want

to get pushed in the pool. So he did it first. And but what my son was giving me was the victim

slice, you know, right? Well, because he was like seven. And so that's fine. But I'm not seven. So

it's not fine. And I can tell you my story in the victim's life of, oh, he did this,

and she did that. And this is what my boss is doing. And this is what my husband did.

And I can just tell you this part, they pushed me in the pool. But the fourth step is like,

oh, okay, but what's the thing that they that you did right before they pushed you in the pool?

What? Where did you set the ball rolling? Right? It says, like, you know, where did I make a

decision based on self that set me up to be hurt later. And that was bad news when I first read it.

But now it's great news. It's great news. Because for the most part, and this doesn't,

have anything to do with things that happen when you're a kid. But like, as an adult, I feel that

in most of the situations, you know, there are exceptions, but most of the situations I had a

part, I played a part, I absolutely set the ball rolling, you know, and, and, and so because of

that, I'm not a victim of my life today, you know, things don't just happen to me, you know,

and things used to just happen to me. And I thought it was such a coincidence that the same

things kept happening. And,

you know, if there's something that keeps happening, it's because there's something I keep

doing. And the thing about the four step is that I thought that it was this really painful, awful

thing, right? You do this four step, and you have to write down all your mistakes. And it's this,

it and it's just, who wants to look at all the things you did wrong. And I recently heard someone

talk, they weren't talking about the four step, but I think it applies, which is really like,

it's not about for me, all the things that like, I'm a terrible person, it's that I made some

mistakes.

I just made some mistakes. And that it's a really self loving thing to go and try and figure out

what those things are, so that I can live with dignity. And so that I don't make those mistakes

again. And so that it's not just about beating up on myself or hating myself or, or wallowing. And

like, because that takes away from me being useful, like it says in the book, it's just about

like, like a loving parent saying, Okay, like, you did this thing. And, and you were scared. And

like, how did you do that? And so that's what I'm trying to do. And so that's what I'm trying to do. And so

that's what I'm trying to do. And so that's what I'm trying to do. And so that's what I'm trying to do. And

how could you do it differently next time? And how can you make up for it? You know, like, how can

you it just, just being a loving parent to myself. And because like the most abusive relationship that

I'm in today is the one that I have with myself, you know, like, there's no one who talks to me the

way I talk to myself, there's no one who does the things or, or betrays me in the way that I do

myself. And that's changing, you know, it's changing because I'm doing this work. You know,

and so I get to figure out what my defects of character are. And so I'm trying to figure out what

my defects of character are, because like, you know, I'm a crafty alcoholic. And so I you can

take away the alcohol and drugs, but I'm going to find other ways like, you know, like, I've heard

this guy Phil say, like, I have a disease and it's going to get treated, it's either going to get

treated by alcohol, or it's going to get treated with the steps and God, or I'm going to find

something else. And so in sobriety, I have found something else, I found a lot of something else's

and you know, I've had a lot of time to find something else's. And none of them work, you know,

none of the obsessions, like, none of the obsessions I've had are ever relieved by

getting the thing I'm obsessing about just changes into something else. And so, you know, and then

we get to make amends, like we get to set things right. And there's no step that I made more

mistakes with than the ninth step. Because I, you know, I did my eight step list, and then people

just appeared. And so then I would just make amends. And like, I made amends on a bus and like,

just was not the right time. And I was going to a wedding of a friend,

and I told my sponsor, I'm like, I'm gonna get so many amends done this weekend. And she was like,

no, it is a wedding, it is not your amends to her. And, and this time going through my fourth step,

it's funny, because there's so many things that are still on there that were on my first fourth

step. And the reason I think they are is because I never made I didn't make those amends, I,

I justified my way out of it. And like, this stuff doesn't go away, it doesn't go away,

unless we clear it up. And, you know, I get to,

do a nightly 10 step. And that is something that I'm doing now that I didn't do before,

which I just is like a quick check in. And knowing that I'm going to have that check in, like I used

to say, I only do a 10 step when I'm in the mood for freedom, right? And like, that's not enough

for me anymore. Like, I have to do a 10 step at night, because knowing that I have this, like

checklist of things that I'm going to need to look at helps me do better during the day, because I'm

like, Oh, if I'm gonna have to write that down in my notebook, like, ah, I'll wait.

Like, I'll be patient, I won't honk that horn, I won't say what I want to say. Because I don't

want to have to write it down later. And I don't want to have to make amends for it. And, you know,

my meditation practice has just changed. And it's like, you know, I have alcoholism. So my disease

tells me like, however things are today, this is how it's always going to be right. Like I'm not,

I'm not, quote, unquote, good at meditating, I'm never going to be able to do it. I'm always going

to just, you know, and my experience of Alcoholics Anonymous is that if I do something different,

I get a different result.

Like, and so that's, that's been happening. And, um, you know, I was talking to a friend of mine,

and he was like, you know, I was telling him I was having a really hard time and really struggling.

And he said, you know, that thing about like, you know, when we're, we're having a hard time,

and we come to meetings, and we, we get more in the middle, and we take commitments, and we,

you know, we sponsor more people, and we just like get in the middle of it, and things get better.

And I was like, Yeah, I know, I'm doing all of that.

And he was like, Yeah, I'm gonna need you to do it in your marriage. And I was like, what? And,

and so when we talk about practice these principles in all our affairs, it's like,

oh, I can, I can come to AA and be on great behavior and like get in the middle and put

my hand out and really do this thing. But then what am I bringing home? You know, like,

what am I, what am I doing when I get home? You know, like, are the people I love the most,

you know, are they the people that I love the most? And I'm like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm getting the best version of me, you know, and so I, my husband doesn't know this, because he's

a normie, and he doesn't need to know, but I've taken up some commitments in our house.

I took the coffee commitment, which is that I, I get up and I make him coffee. I took the

greeter commitment, which is that I get off my phone. And when I come home, I say I find him and

I say hello, and I greet him. And in the morning, I greet him with good morning instead of who's

going to take the kid to school?

Did you do the thing? And I didn't? Oh, could you? Is there any laundry? You know,

I say good morning, you know, it's like these simple things and, and the cleanup commitment,

which is just, you know, that I just clean up before, you know, just clean up after myself.

And, and it's funny, because it's little things. It's a little thing to do. It doesn't take any

time. And the the minute that I do something different, I get a different result. And things

start to shift, and things start to soften, and things start to change. And I'm like, oh,

change. And, you know, just by just by behaving differently. And I don't know, I, I'm just

grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous, because I don't know how to do this thing. I don't know how to I

don't know how to, you know, stay sober for a while and, and, and be like, have a job and a kid

and like, I've never done all this before. And like Alcoholics Anonymous gently shows me how to

show up for this life that I have.

Gently people pointing out, like, maybe do this, or maybe try this, or maybe, you know,

stop doing that. And, and so I'm grateful for that. And I just want to say, I was talking to

someone before the meeting, you know, I want to say happy birthday, happy birthday, happy Mother's

Day to all the moms, you know, I just, you know, being a sober mom is like a huge, huge gift in

my life. And it's, it's hard, because,

we were talking about when you first have a kid, and it's that thing of like, feeling like I wasn't

being a good mom, if I left my baby to go to a meeting, you know, and what I have learned is that

I put AA first, and, and because I put AA first, I'm able to take that time for myself. And, and,

and that helps me to be a more patient, present, loving mom, I have to put AA first, and my family

knows that.

And, and I'm, and I'm grateful that they, you know, support that and allow that and understand

that. And so happy Mother's Day to all the moms. And I think, I think that's all I got. So thank

you so much for listening.