Lisa's Journey: From Entitlement to Sobriety

Hi, everybody. I'm Lisa. I'm an alcoholic. And I'm really grateful to be here. And I

want to thank Oscar for asking me. It is an honor and a privilege. And I met Oscar a few

years ago. And he's just a great example of this program. Always smiling, always helping,

always willing. And I really need that. I appreciate that so much. So my sobriety date

is January 13, 2004. And I have a home group. That's the Tuesday Night Pacific group. And

I have a sponsor. And she has a sponsor. And she has a sponsor. And I am just so grateful

to God and Alcoholics Anonymous that I'm sober here. Because I should be dead. I should be

dead. Because for a long time, I did whatever I wanted, however I wanted, whenever I wanted.

And it just simply did not work. And it took me a lot of places. So by the grace of God,

I'm here. And you know, today I'm trying to make my life sacred. I'm trying to bring God's

will into every action in all of my affairs. Because that's where I get my power and my

strength. That's where I get my peace. It's not about money. It's not about property. It's not

about prestige. It's about sharing this program with another alcoholic and staying sober. And

you know, doing God's will for fun and for free. So I'm the oldest of four. And my father was an

alcoholic. He was very abusive. When I was a little girl, I used to rescue my mom and try

to fix everything. And for a really long time, I was trying to fix everything. And I was trying to

fix everything. And I thought it was my parents' fault why I was alcoholic. Come to find out after

working the steps and staying sober for a while, you know, that's all on me. You know, that has

nothing to do with that. So I grew up like this. And you know, I thought I was entitled. My first

drink was around junior high. We cut school. I went with a bunch of girls. We went to somebody's

parents' house who wasn't home. And we drank a lot of booze. We got really drunk. We invited some

boys. And one of the girls puked all over the place. And I was like, I'm going to go to a

The other girl had a really bad experience. I guess she was making out with her boyfriend. And

she had been sexually abused or something. So it turned into a big nightmare. We all got caught.

And you know, we're never going to do this again, you know. And yeah, it was kind of scary. But the

next time I really remember getting drunk, you know, my dad always had alcohol. I had tasted

his alcohol. He also had marijuana and pills. And I am an alcoholic. I love alcohol. I love what it

does for me. It makes me feel like Wonder Woman, you know. And I like that. I don't have to feel,

anything. I just can just go on blazing, doing everything. But I think it was at a football game

in my like ninth grade. I drank a bottle of Mad Dog 2020. And I was like, woo, this is awesome.

I mean, I puked for three days and was super sick and, you know, swore it off. But you know,

I did it again. You know, that was my first drink. And my best girlfriend, she met her husband,

we, you know, later on, or that night, she ended up marrying him. And it was kind of,

funny. But I continued to drink and to use. You know, I went, I graduated high school. I was

supposed to be top of the class. I was like top of the class. But I always ditched school whenever

I wanted. I was pretty smart. I did my work. But I didn't want anything to do with it. You know,

I wanted to drink and do whatever I wanted. I lived with my parents for a while. I think I

moved out around 17 and got my own little place. I was waiting on tables. And it was good. I went

to trade tech. That was kind of interesting. And I was like, oh, I'm going to do this. I'm going to

do this. And I wanted to go to the Rolling Stones concert. And I needed an oil change. And I didn't

change my oil because I was too busy drinking and carrying on, smoking a little grass and having a

good time. And I blew my motor at the Rolling Stones concert. So always check your oil. You

know what I mean? Anyway, I was taking the bus. And I remember I was the kind of girl, you know,

these guys asked if I wanted a ride. And I got in and we went to the West Side. And we drank booze

and we smoked. I never freebased Coke, but we freebased cocaine. And then I was like, oh,

and the one guy started chasing me around the room. And I was so scared. I remember being so

scared. But I called my, you know, walked to a bus stop. The one, his buddy gave me five bucks and

his other buddy to go get more beer. And I called my mom and she picked me up. And I, again, swore

off alcohol. But these are, you know, my best thinking has gotten me here. You know, I think

I know everything. You can't tell me anything. And I'm just like a whirlwind. So after that,

I think I started working at another

restaurant. And I worked at the Sheraton Universal. I was like 19. I got in because my friend was

there. And I had roommates. And everybody would go drink at the casting office after work. So I went

and we were drinking and having a good time. And I got introduced to my ex-husband. I didn't know

at the time. He was 36. I was 19. I wasn't even legal to drink. And, you know, we were closing

the bar and doing other things like cocaine and some other things you shouldn't be doing.

And it was just, you know, I was like, I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not

going to drink. And it was just so much fun. I couldn't believe you could do these kind of things

as grownups. You know, I was like, wow, this is really cool. We went to David Carradine's house.

We partied with Sylvester Stallone and his brother, Peter. I mean, just all these, you know,

I thought it was so cool. It was like the 80s. And it was really cool. But our relationship

didn't really go very well. After a while, I had a daughter. And I remember he didn't

quit drinking. I did when I was pregnant. And after I had her about four months,

up nursing her, I started drinking again. And it was just on. You know, one time I forgot her

birthday when she was four. I mean, we had been partying all night. And I was just puking and

couldn't get up and take care of this little girl. And I felt so guilty. That didn't stop me. And

this went on for a long time. He was quite abusive. I managed to get out of that relationship. And

then I put myself back in school. I went to Valley and got my real estate license. And then I was on

my own again. And I thought I was all cured. I went to the Church of Religious Science,

for a while. And I thought I had found God. You know, they taught you, you know,

the power of positive thought and how if you say affirmations, it kind of heals you. So my

drinking kind of calmed down. I was no longer using for a while. And I got bored, started

hanging out with the bar again, joined a dart team. Yeah, met my next boyfriend who I was with

for like seven years. And one of the first things I asked him is if you you know, you don't do drugs,

right? Because I didn't want to do any more of that. He said, Yeah, yeah, no, no. And so we

started drinking. And I move them right in right after. And right after, you know, we're in love.

And then we live together for like seven years. And this relationship is, it goes from kind of

good to really sad and really bad. There is more drugs. There's crystal meth now. And I have this

little girl, I forgot her at school one day until like seven o'clock. She's in fifth grade. And I

didn't remember to get her. You know, I was too busy hung over throwing up from booze. And then,

you know, I also worked in a bar. And

the drinking at that bar, you know, I'd have double shots of tequila to do my job. And I drink

all night, party all night. And that that gentleman ended up killing himself when I was like 33. He hung

himself on my front steps. And it just really kind of set me before I was kind of controlling and

enjoying it. And after that, I was no longer controlling and enjoying it. And it was really

hard. You know, I gave my daughter away to her dad who was an alcoholic as well. But he was dry at

the time. And I did a geographic, I moved to the high desert. And I was like, Oh, I don't want to go

to the desert. I moved to state line got a job and got fired shortly after because I couldn't stop

drinking. And those trays are really heavy. And you have to have balance. You know, when you stack

them all up, and you've been drinking a lot, it just is not good. I got fired for dropping trays.

And so then, of course, I get a job at a bar in searchlight. And it's just on and I'm just

drinking a lot of booze. I gave my daughter to her dad, I'm feeling really sorry for myself. And

it's just not a pretty sight and shortly thereafter I'm meeting all sorts of men you know

some of the speakers talked about that I don't even know their names but if they had booze they

were my friend and you'd wake up and you're like oh how'd I get here who are you you know you have

no idea but on one of my trips back I remember I was bartending at Searchlight and her dad was

yelling at me telling me I had to get my shit together and I was telling him screw you you know

it was my day off it was early in the morning I had a couple of beers I had a Bloody Mary had

a tequila sunrise and I remember driving from Searchlight Nevada to Van Nuys in like an hour

and a half I don't know how I got there I have no idea how I got there and I knock on this door

and this little girl opens the door and she's like mommy you smell like beer and then her dad

comes over and um so I leave he's gonna call the police and of course we run I'm I'm a coward you

know welcome to the newcomers I forgot to say that I hope that I say something that will help you

stay here um Alcoholics Anonymous is a

disaster and it's a disaster and it's a disaster and it's a disaster and it's a disaster and it's

a disaster and it's a disaster and it's a disaster and it's a disaster and it's a disaster and it's a

design for living and it's just really really saved my life excuse me I'm gonna cough again but

anyway so I'm carrying on on my way back I meet another guy he's really big he talks really slow

you know I've never met anybody from prison he asked for a ride in my truck and I say sure

because I'm crazy and so um I give him a ride and he moves in like in two more weeks you know

we're living together and I had no idea but I thought he could fix me you know I was always

looking for something on the outside to fix me and um I didn't and I didn't and I didn't

like me I had all of this pain I didn't want to feel anything and I would lay at home in that

little trailer I lived in a little trailer nipped and it was a travel trailer probably like from

there to maybe here by myself no locks on the door alone and I cried myself for hours and I didn't

know why I would just sob for hours I was so miserable but of course I'm not done yet um we're

still you know he we're going out he's buying me margaritas but I'm not doing drugs I ended up

getting pregnant and um we end up moving in together and I'm like I'm not gonna do this I'm

not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this

for a little while we kind of have a good life I think it's I'm all better you know he fixed me

I have a baby I'm a beautiful baby boy I was about um 36 when I had James and I I didn't drink when

I was pregnant and we had this little life but you know as time goes on he's working as an uh um

he got a job in some construction thing making good money and so I'm a stay-at-home mom and

you start getting a little bored and you know the guy in back drinks and he's drinking and so I'm

thinking what's a little drink gonna do you know so I have a little drink there's always a little drink

is Jack Daniels and Bacardi. And before you know it, we have a keg of beer in the garage. And

before you know it, I need to go back to LA to see my friends for a little minute to have a little

something extra so I can drink a little more. And all of a sudden, I wake up one morning in my

garage and there's five brand new generators. You know, he was in jail for like grand theft and

stealing and things and he had started drinking and using and now we have like a whole garage

full of hot merchandise. And I'm crying and I'm begging him, you know, and he goes to jail. So

he goes to jail. I'm feeling really sorry for myself. I have a two-year-old and a 17-year-old

and my best idea is to, you know, because she's drinking. She's doing beer runs with her buddies.

They go to a liquor store. They run in and grab alcohol and get in the car and run out. And she's

been caught in trouble. And I'm just like, oh, it's no big deal. It's no big deal. Just start

to drink with me. I mean, this is the kind of mother and person that I am. This is where my

alcoholism is taking me. And, you know, I also did meth with her.

Because she was going to do it with her friends. And I'm like, well, maybe you should do it with

me. It would be a lot safer. So I'm a really sick person. And, you know, when I got here,

I didn't think I was an alcoholic and I didn't think I had a problem. And I thought you people

were really weird. And I wasn't quite sure. But I stayed because I was super desperate. So to the

new people, I hope you're super desperate. You know, so this went on for a long time. And I had

nine jobs in like a two-year period. Couldn't work. Had to go get welfare. When I went to get

high desert, they're like, well, you have college and you have a real estate. They were really mean

to me. And I was thinking, God, that's another reason to drink. It's so not fair, you know.

But anyway, so I just continued to drink and have these jobs and get fired. You know, I could work

for a few days and then I'd have to have a drink. And then I couldn't show up. Or if I showed up,

I was hungover and I tell you how to do your job. And that just doesn't work very well.

So it's a mess. He gets out of jail and,

I'm going to try to get sober. And, you know, it's really hard. And I remember he crashed all

of our cars. I drove one of the cars. He gets out and I drive one of the Suzuki Samurai and it got

stuck on the railroad tracks. But he doesn't have a problem either. He was drinking. And I drive it

to the meeting. There's no doors. It's all smashed in the front. I mean, I think everything's just

fine. But I get a little depressed and I call AA and somebody picks me up and they take me to a

meeting. And they make me drink. And I'm like, I'm going to get sober. And I'm like, I'm going to

read the promises. And I just cry and cry. But I don't stop. And then I go to an outpatient program

because I don't know what to do. And the lady says, well, okay, you're going to have to do this,

this, and that. And I'm like, I'm not that bad. And you don't get better. You don't get better.

So what ends up happening is I get really scared because now he's getting high with my daughter.

She's still getting drunk. I have like a three-year-old and I think she's 17, almost 18.

And it's a big mess. And,

I take off and I go to this place called Angel Steps. It's a recovery center in East LA near

Chavez Boulevard or something like that. And I'm there for like 90 days. I have my little boy.

They give us counseling. They give us anger management. They feed you. They give us a book

like this to a bunch of girls for domestic violence because there was some abuse. And

they say, do a meeting. So they leave. We don't do a meeting. We're screwing off. We're not taking

this seriously. We're thinking, really? What's this all about?

And I'm there for 88 days. And the lady tells me, you're going to get loaded. And I'm like,

who are you? And sure enough, I take the train to my friend's house. By the way, I left my

car there with my friends that drink and use just like me. And when I get there, there's

no tires on my car. There's no starter. And my friend who was diabetic that drank just

like me has missing a leg. And you know what? Probably within a few hours, I have a Budweiser

in my hand. I didn't go to a meeting. There's just all this drama going on. And I continue,

like this, until I really can't. Anyway, right after that, his dad calls and says he's going to

take my son. So I give my son to the grandma. And then my mom says, if I go to treatment,

she'll help me with my daughter. Because I left my daughter at her friend's house who drank just

like that and do all sorts of crazy. I mean, I was so unaccountable. I just really didn't care.

And my kids are the things that mean the most to me in my life. And alcohol took that away from me.

It makes you care about nothing. It makes you care about nothing. It makes you care about nothing.

This is truly, truly sad. But anyway, I did go to Tarzana Treatment Center. I was there for like

five and a half months. It was really hard. I didn't want to stay. But I was desperate because

on the way, before I went to Tarzana, we had gotten high one more time and drunk together

because we had court. And I was really nervous. So you have to stop by and see your old friends.

And there was Jack Daniels. And then there were other things. And we left the court paper on the

top of the car and then showed up to court like wasted. And really, I don't know. I don't know. I

really don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Really bad idea. Really bad idea. And I was thinking to myself, I tried to buy my daughter lunch. And

she's like, Mom, Mom, did you see these people? They're after us. And she was so paranoid. And

I should have taken her to the hospital. But I was so worried that I was going to get arrested

because I'm selfish, self-seeking, just another really sick alcoholic. I don't do that. So that's

why I finally decided to go to Tarzana's because you know what? I'm going to lose my daughter. And

I finally realized that my life has been a mess. And I'm going to lose my daughter. And I finally

realized that my life has been an incredible mess. It's all been whatever I wanted to do.

And if I want something different for my daughter, I need to be an example. And so I go. And I get

sober. It was super hard. I'm there for five and a half months. I clean in the kitchen. I clean the

bathrooms. I get a sponsor off a panel. I remember she took me to a meeting and she had me write

about powerless and unmanageability. And I'm like, oh, I mean, I'm powerless over alcohol,

but my life is not unmanageable.

She starts laughing and goes, where are you? And I was so angry for so long. I slammed the car. She

had this really fancy car. She was doing really well. And she told me, you know, if I ever do that

again, she wasn't going to help me. And I remember going back in and just crying and calling her and

saying, okay, whatever you want me to do. It was hard. I was so full of self. And this like survivor

part in me that just takes over and just like mows down everybody. And thank God for this program.

I started working my, my steps with this sponsor. And, um, I got a job on a bus from there. I'm still

at that same job. It hasn't been easy. I said, that's impossible, but I got two jobs and I picked

one. And, um, then I got visitation to my son and I started staying sober and I started going to

court and I started doing whatever they told me to do, even though I was mad, even though he wasn't,

it didn't matter. It was all about my side of the street. And, um, I put him in, uh, I had him three

days a week and I got him started.

I started coming home and being with, you know, taking him to the park and swimming and riding

his bike, like things a normal mother should do. And, um, it felt really good. I remember, um, I

had the worst credit when I finally, um, got it. I went to sober living for a few months and then I

got an apartment because somebody in the program helped me, um, because my credit was just ruined

and we were watching TV and it was sad. It was some monster movie and he started to cry and I

started to cry and he turned around and looked at me and said, mom, don't cry.

Because before when I used to cry, I would go lock myself in the room, drink lots of booze and not come

out for days. And he, he, I was like six, seven months sober, maybe, maybe nine. It was in my

first year. And I told him, honey, you know what? It's different today. I have God. And I got on my

knees and looked him eye to eye and told him I loved him. And you know what? I really meant that

third step. You know, that's a contract with God, with all of my heart, turn your will and your life

over. Um, and he would go and tell all his friends, yeah, my mom goes to church. It's all

about God. They hold hands because I, I used to take him to meetings because I had no choice. I

had no money. And, um, I took him to meetings until he was like eight and, uh, continue to

work my steps. And, um, it really, really helped. Um, got a girl, got a couple sponsees like around

a year and it felt really good to try to give it away. Um, the fourth step, the first time was

really hard. I remember writing all that stuff down and I remember saying like, I'm never going

to say a few things, but I did it anyway. I told her before she left because after I read all the

things, the resentments, she's like, is there anything else? And I decided, you know what?

This is my life. I really want to stay sober because if I don't do this, my daughter's going

to be on the street. My son's going to be with the crazy in-laws because they were really crazy.

And, um, and they're going to blame me. Like I blame my dad and I don't want that. I want them

to have hope. And so I just did whatever I could. You know, I started going on panels. I was an

alternate GSR. I had a home group. It was, you know, I had a home group. I had a home group. I

had women's conscious contact. I had that group for eight years. We had a lot of service. Um,

it was really awesome. But at the end of eight years, it started to really fall apart because

they didn't follow the traditions and there was a lot of animosity. So I changed. My sponsor was

like, no, you need a different home group. So the Tuesday night Pacific group is my home group. Um,

you know, it was really hard. I had to go back to court. I remember when James was 11 and he was in

junior high, he started having a lot of problems because his dad was telling him he was out of jail

with his mom and he was telling my little boy he could do whatever he wanted. And I was like,

no, you can't. And so he started ditching school and starting fights and failing school.

And then he, you know, his mom mortgaged her house so he could get an attorney. And, um,

it was just super hard. He, I had to one time call the police on him because he threatened to

run away. My sponsor made me call the police and, um, have a talk with him. Um, I took him

to counseling for like three, four years, every Friday, come hell or high water,

went to counseling. And, um, and then I enrolled him in all sorts of different sports and he used

to kick me and hit me and tell me he didn't love me. And I would tell him that's okay, honey,

I love you anyway. And he'd be like, well, my dad and my grandma. And I said, I understand,

but you live with me and I'm sober and we're, we're going to get through this. And I love you.

And I was just so scared. Um, my sponsor also made me get a gal from that conscious contact

meeting. And every time before I would, cause I would go off, you'd become in a rage. I'd call

her up and I'd share with her before I talked to my son. And I would call her up and I'd share with

him. So I start to talk to him like a normal person instead of raging. Um, that little boy

is doing really well today. He's like 19. He doesn't, he's not like me at all. Um,

it's just like so amazing. And, um, you know what? And he, and he sees his dad,

you know, for a long time, he was really, um, mad at his dad. Cause his dad doesn't show up

for birthdays or Christmas. He doesn't give presents. And I always tell him, you know what?

It's the only dad you have just love him for what he is. And you know, he's a good guy and I don't

hate him.

You know, I had to do a lot of 10 steps because I was pissed that I didn't get child support.

And at the end of doing all those 10 steps, and he also took me to court, I had to pay for an

attorney to try to, you know, keep my son. I get to be James's mom sober. I'm, it doesn't matter

if you ever give me a penny, you know, all the things that I did, who the heck am I to judge

anybody? So that was really huge, that revelation. And we kind of became friends for a little while

on and off. He still drinks. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he,

he had pancreatitis a few years ago, you know, he's not an alcoholic, that's okay. I'm here. I

always tell him if you ever want to talk, you know, I'm here. Um, that little girl, she's a nurse,

you know, she went to, um, she has two bachelors and an associate's degree. And I was able to make

my living amends by putting her through nursing school. And it wasn't easy. It was really hard.

You know, her dad passed away when she was like 14. So there's just, you know, us. And it's just

Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me that I can do whatever, whatever is good, whatever is right

with my God. I mean, I have a God of my own understanding and it's just really, it's so

awesome. You know, I've sponsored a lot of people in the beginning. I had like seven girls and I

remember that's why I changed that one meeting because they weren't following the traditions

and all of the women thought they were being talked about. They weren't. The girls were

talking about shopping or some other drama and there were other arguments, but in the Pacific

group, they don't do things like that. The traditions come first. The newcomer comes first

because if I don't do God's work and stay sober and help another person stay sober and take the

actions, not just the words, then I'm going to drink. And there was a time too when I had to

go to court. I remember that was a long time ago. I was at conscious contact and I went to court and

I got lost and I got a ticket for using the cell phone.

I was late to court and they threw out all the child support that he owed me. And I remember I

was so mad because he's a really good, you know, he was in prison for like probably 14 years. He

wrote a really good letter and he said he didn't know, but he did know. And we were supposed to be

together and I wanted to drink on the way home. And the girl, Carrie, that was a really good friend

of mine called me and I told my sponsor I was going to get drunk and I was like, F this and F

that. And she came to my house that night because I told her I don't want to go to the meeting. She

walked up the steps, knocked on the door. I said, I'm not going. And she said, yes, you are. And I

was willing. I got in the car with her and I went to the meeting and I led the meeting, you know,

because there's been a couple times where, you know, you just don't think you can do it. It's

freaking not being, you know, being sober from the neck up with all of this drama. And I had

no tools. I mean, it's taken me a long time to get some tools and a design for living. You know,

for so long, I was just, uh,

to stay sober and, and I would just go to my meetings and just, you could feel God like I felt

God, but it wasn't a hundred percent. There was still so much of Lisa left. And, um, today there's

a lot more God than Lisa. I mean, that's how, and I'm so much more comfortable and at ease. Uh, and

that comes from being of service, you know, taking commitments, you know, um, picking up newcomers,

making coffee, um, you know, being of service at home, being at service at work,

being at service anywhere you can, you know, putting someone else's needs ahead of yours,

thinking of them more and you less. Um, so, you know, half, and I remember when I was new to that

one, um, line, half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point, you know? And so

that's why I always made sure I never stopped going to meetings and I always had commitments

and I wasn't happy. I was so pissed off for so long. I mean, I think just in the last, maybe

three or four years, I started to really kind of acceptance,

without approval and just kind of like be where I am. And, um, it's such a better way and to find

some joy and to find some love because you know what? There's also, I have a really good life.

I live in a sober home. I get to go to meetings. I have sober friends. My family loves me. My

brother's actually paying for me to go to Hawaii at the end of the month. Um, my mom before didn't

want to see me. I mean, I remember one time when I was in a drunken stupor, I gave all of her jewelry

back because they used to spy on me because I'd bring all sorts of stuff. I mean, I remember

it's a creepy people home and she lived in the apartment over here and I lived over here. That's

also when I drank in the closet. I was a closet drinker. Um, and you know, she would worry and

I would always be, I'm fine. It's none of your business here. Take all your stuff and, you know,

stick it up. I mean, I was just so mean. I mean, where else can you come where you can take your

worst things and share them with somebody and have a little light and a little hope?

You know what I mean? I didn't want to die anymore. Um,

I worked for a company called The Lover. I worked for a company called The Lover. I worked for a

with this one gal for eight years. It was awesome. And I loved her very much. But at the end of the

time, she just couldn't hear me. And she was getting herself really mixed up. And then I

worked with a bunch of other girls and, um, they would get sober for like a year and a half or two

years. And then they'd stop calling. They stopped going to meetings. And all of a sudden you're

drunk. And all of a sudden, you know what? It's someone else's fault. So I'm so grateful that I

haven't done that. Um, I did a, a, a big book study, a lengthy 10 month, big book study when

I was like 12 years. And it kind of saved my life. Um, because right before that I had a girl that I

worked with and, and she moved to Texas and then she got drunk and I let her move with me and she

never moved out. She was with me for like four months. And at the end of those four months,

I think I had lost all of my serenity, all of my peace. And, um, I remember sitting on the patio

and saying, God, I just need a drink. And then I called up my girlfriend and then I called up my

sponsor. And then I made a, a way to get her out, you know, because I'm an, I learned how to take

care of people. That's what comes natural to me to make it better for you as well as being an

alcoholic. And, um, I was just really not doing this woman any service at the end. Besides she

had already gotten drunk, having a new person in your house with your kids was just crazy. Um, but

doing this workshop, it was so funny. Uh, we went line by line to the book and you just see there's

such, so divinely inspired. Um, just how if we trust in God, trust God, clean house, be of

service, you know, um, how that our oversensitivity is a huge handicap and how it takes many of us

many a long time to get over how that just at one day at a time, we can find hope. Um, just find

hope. I've always prayed. I get on my hands and knees since I've been three years sober and ask

God to direct my thinking and to do his will and not my will.

And that really helps. And, um, doing that workshop, I remember, uh, we got to the, uh,

four step and she's like, do you have resentments? And I'm like, no. Oh my God. I had like 30

resentments and they were different resentments. They weren't like actually actions. They were

like how people treated me. And like my sponsor sponsor always says how I'm carrying myself and

what I'm bringing into the group instead of sharing, instead of being light and happy,

I'm like pissed off. I'm just like,

like doing it. Um, okay. Just, uh, doing it, uh, you know, just not with such joy. I mean,

I see a lot of people and they feel so they look so light and I've always, I think I'm wrapped

really tight. Lack of power is my dilemma, you know, and I want to control and enjoy things.

And really that's not what God's about. You know, we have to come here, follow direction,

put one foot in front of the other and keep doing the actions on one of the 10 minute speakers

talked about that.

The actions bring us into right thinking and it's like service and service and more service.

And, um, one of those resentments was over my sponsor. I remember she didn't have time to see

me and I had gotten my real estate license and she was buying a house and she was going to use

someone else. And she came to the Tuesday night meeting with her group of friends and I was just

sitting there and I just started to shake. I was, and I haven't felt that in a long time.

And, um, I don't know how I stayed, but I stayed.

And, um, and as she left, I said, we need to talk. And, um, I called her and told her I really

need to talk. And I wrote about that 10 step because I was thinking she needed to be everything

that I had expectations. You know, she has a life. She's a person. She's busy. It's not all about me.

I mean, this selfishness, self-seeking, um, dishonesty, fear, it's just, it just drives us.

But I ended up doing a 10 step on her and really making amends and taking a good,

look at it and seeing that I was at fault. It's all me. Wherever I go, it's frigging me.

And, um, it's not always pretty. It's not always pretty. Um, so we got over that and we've been

working together. She's been my sponsor since I've been a year and a half. And, um, you know,

my life is pretty good. I just went to Massachusetts. I wanted to make an amends to this

young man's mother. I never went to the funeral, the guy that killed himself. And, um, you know,

it's really hard. I got to bring my daughter and, um, she caught,

I, I called her. I had a dream about him and I called her and she invited us. And then I called

her a week later and she changed her mind, but I had already bought the tickets. So, um, we went

anyway and I just, you know, wrote about it and just wanted to let her know that I really loved

her son and she was a good mom. She was a good mom and, um, she did everything she could. It

was not her fault. I didn't keep it heavy. I kept it really light. I bought her lunch and I brought

her flowers. We only had lunch, but, um, she told me when I left, she gave me a hundred dollars.

And she said, please keep in touch. Um, you know, one of the girls at my work, uh, her, her son is 23

years old. He just OD'd like a month ago. And, uh, he's been having alcohol and drug problems for a

while. And I, you know, I've offered to try to help and he was fine. She's fine. You know, this

girl drinks and smokes and whatever. But, um, that's when I really realized I saw from a mother's

point of view, how that must feel to lose a son. Because when Steven died, it was all about me,

what he did to me, how dare he left me behind. And I drank behind that for years. I mean,

that's just, I'm just such a selfish person. Um, but I was kind of able to put that behind me.

You know, I make sandwiches with a gentleman named Ray Casanelli, um, for Frontline. He's

been doing it for 30 years. And so every Sunday morning at 630 in the morning, I'm making tuna

sandwiches and he takes them to Skid Row. And I find that acts like that are, um, they're just

selfless. It's just like a really, really beautiful,

beautiful thing. And, um, he always tells me that we come to Alcoholics Anonymous and we have a

head full of our own ideas. And we work these steps and we take these actions and it slowly

kind of saturates all of our stuff. So sooner or later, there's only God left and all the confetti,

he goes like this, the confetti, Lisa, that you have, it just all kind of disappears. And it's so,

it's so true because God is the director. We are the children, you know, um, he,

he's the principal, we're the agents. And if we follow his will in all of our affairs,

whether we like it or not, um, it just really works. And, um, that's kind of where I'm at

trying to make my life sacred and trying to do God's will. You know, I'm a waitress,

been there for a long time. Uh, it's kind of hard. They, they, I get moved around a lot

and it's hard. I have to show up and be of service if whether you're nice or not,

whether you tip or not, whether it doesn't matter. And, uh, Sunday on Mother's Day,

after coming back from Massachusetts,

my order got lost and the manager, I think I know better than her. Of course I know better

than everybody. And, um, she doesn't go over there. My order's missing the sausage patties

missing. And then, you know, so I'm complaining and I'm whining and I'm pissed. And she says,

will you stop complaining? And I turn around and I look at her and I said, well, if you know how

to do your job, I need the food to serve the people. Okay. Really? Okay. I'm a spiritual

giant. But, um, so I say this and, um, anyway, I get in trouble. I get in trouble. I get in trouble.

I get in trouble on Tuesday. I call my sponsor on Wednesday. I tried calling her. I left her a

message. Couldn't get ahold of her. I get ahold of her on Wednesday morning and I'm like defending

myself and saying, it's not my fault. And she's like, okay, Lisa, you know, you have tools do a

10th step. So I did a 10th step and you know, I read it to her. And on Thursday morning, I brought

this woman a coffee and I said, you know, Judy, I'm so sorry. You work really hard. You really

do a good job. And I just need to keep my side of the street clean, being a good waitress. And I am

so sorry. Can we, can you please forgive me? And, um, you know, that's how I live. I feel it right

here when I don't do the right thing. And so far I haven't really wanted to drink. I mean, it's like

when I was new and I was alone, I'd be so afraid. Like when I was sick and she'd say, you have to

call in sick. I'd be like, oh my God, oh my God, I got to call people. Now I know that wherever I

go, God is, and he's right here. And I have this inside of me and I don't want to drink or use

anymore. I mean, sometimes, you know, it flies by.

And you go, no, no, thank you. Or if you think about it, then I'm raising my hand in a meeting

going, guess what my head told me? My head told me to go to the bar and have a Coke. What do you

think? No. And so you stay sober. So I'm just so, so blessed to be here. And, um, it is an honor and

a privilege. I'm sorry if I'm all over the place. Um, I love my life and I want to give more and do

more for God's will. And I want Lisa to get even smaller because when I have more humility and,

um, less of me, I'm just so much more powerful. I can actually really help people and you can see

their light. And I love the identification in Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, that was the first

time I ever laughed when I came here. You guys were talking about all your deep, dark secrets

that I was like shoving. And I'm like, oh, you guys are my people. This is a we program, not a

me program. And, you know, I tried getting sober with my first husband and I sat in the back and I

didn't raise my hand and I didn't say I was an alcoholic. I didn't say I was an alcoholic. I

was an alcoholic. And if you're not powerless over alcohol, it isn't going to work. So it's

really simple. So, um, thank you all. I am really, really grateful. I'm going to stop because I think

I'm babbling now, but, um, it's an honor and a privilege and, um, I really appreciate it. Thank

you for letting me share.